Jokes?

[Tuxedo Oryx]

Here's a couple of jokes I made up (though I'll bet someone somewhere on this planet may have a similar sense of humor and "made these up" as well... )

What was engraved on Mendel's tomestone?

Rest In Peas.

Who are the most egotistical knights in Camelot?

The Knights of Me!

How did the ornithologist reply to his confused assistant?

"Elementary, dear Hoatzin!"

Why do woodpeckers have flexible schedules?

Because they can always Picidae!

What do you call an adolescent turkey?

A peeping tom!

[Chloe]

know this not a joke but I found it funny :-

Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia- Fear of long words

Yes its a true word

[DollyDiaper]

This one's strictly for the guys who find Blonde Jokes so hilarious -

Mermaid grants a wish...

Three guys are having a relaxing day of fishing. Out of the blue, they catch a mermaid -- who begs to be set free, in return for granting each of them a wish.

One of the guys just doesn't believe it, and says, "Okay, if you can really grant wishes, then double my I.Q."

The mermaid says, "Done."

Suddenly, the guy starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly, and analyzing what he's recited with great insight.

The second guy is so amazed he says to the mermaid, "Triple my I.Q."

The mermaid says, "Done."

The guy starts to spout solutions to problems that have been stumping all the great scientists of the world: the mathematicians, physicists, chemists, and so on.

The last guy is so enthralled with the changes in his friends that he says to the mermaid, "Quintuple my I.Q."

The mermaid looks at him and says, "You know, I normally don't try to change people's minds when they make a wish, but I really think you should reconsider."

The guy says, "Nope, I want you to multiply my I.Q. times five, and if you don't do it, I won't set you free."

"Please," the mermaid says, "you don't know what you're asking! It'll change your entire view on the universe. Won't you ask for something else, a million dollars, anything?" But no matter what the mermaid says, the guy insists on having his I.Q. increased to five times its usual power. Finally, the mermaid sighs and says, "Done."

And he turns into a woman

----------------------------------------------------------------

D lly

[Chloe]

Very good Dolly, like that. Heard a simular joke before

[melbubs]

Picture a scene in a nursing home.

In the day room, all the old folk are in their armchairs, watching television.

An old, old man leans over to the old woman next to him, and says "I bet you can't tell how old I am!"

The old woman looks at him for a moment, then says "OK then, show me your willy!"

The old man looks confused, but he fumbles around in his lap and a moment later, brings it out.

The old lady leans over and peers over the top of her spectacles for a moment. "Humph," she says, "91".

The old man was flabbergasted. He said: "Why, you're absolutely correct!! But how on earth could you tell???"

The old lady looked at him severely, and said: "You told me yesterday!"

Mel

[Valentine]

Two men walk into a bar. You would think that the second one would have ducked.

[Tuxedo Oryx]

What is a nosy agoraphobic's favorite pastime?

Peephole watching!

Did you hear about the heart who attended folk dancing classes?

...its arteries became clogged!

What do you get when copycat murderers imitate Psycho?

Batesian mimicry!

[Chloe]

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her

nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his

name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he

knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain

elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank

manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out

there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to

use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a

Rolling Stone."

(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)

Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!!

Have a lovely day

[Sunshine2585]

I was singing it Chloe, in my head.

[DollyDiaper]

Tee-hee, yep, me too. Singa-longa-Chloe time.

D lly

[DollyDiaper]

Not a joke as such, but I just saw this and it made me giggle -

D lly

[diaprbayb]

Pantyhose quiz

Q: How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose?

Now, think about it......

Ready? ARE YOU SURE???

Answer:

10 little piggies

2 calves,

1 ass,

and an unknown number of hares

[diaperdanger]

There are only 10 types of people in the world. The ones that can read binary and the ones who can't.

I got that one from a tech geek shirts website.

[diaperwerx]

Okay ladies...and I do mean ladies...this a joke thread...okay? I did not make this up...but it was funny...

dw

MEN AND WOMEN CAN'T EVEN AGREE ON THEIR PRAYERS.

FEMALE PRAYER

Before I lay me down to sleep,

I pray for a man, who's not a creep,

One who's handsome, smart and strong.

One who loves to listen long,

One who thinks before he speaks,

One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

I pray he's gainfully employed,

When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.

Pulls out my chair and opens my door,

Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,

Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"

I pray that this man will love me to no end,

And always be my very best friend.

Amen

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

MALE PRAYER

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs

who owns a liquor store and a Harley-Davidson.

This doesn't rhyme and I don't care.

Amen

[PamperBoy]

Here's one I thought everyone would like. Seems only fitting, as it's so close to the Elections here.

Subject: Heaven or Hell

A prominent politician has a massive heart attack and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and St. Peter meets him at the entrance. “Welcome to Heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there's a small problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.” “No problem, just let me in,” says the now former senator. “Well, I’d like to but I have orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity." "No, really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the senator. "I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of the most beautiful golf course that he has ever seen. In the distance is the clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him, everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They played a friendly game of golf and then retired to the club where they enjoyed caviar, prime rib and lobster, followed by the finest brandy and cigars. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy and entertains them all with funny stories and jokes. They're having such a great time that, before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit Heaven."

So 24 hours pass with the senator conversing with Saints and angels, moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. "Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity." He thinks for a minute, then answers: "Well, I never thought I would hear myself say this, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell." So Saint Peter escorts him, to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell.

The elevator opens and he's in the middle of a hot, barren waste-land surrounded by mountains of rancid, festering garbage. He sees all his friends: filthy and dressed in rags, miserably picking up garbage and putting it in burlap bags. The Devil comes over to him and puts her arm around his shoulder. "I... I don't understand," stammers the senator, "when I was here yesterday there was a beautiful golf course and country club. We ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable."

The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning, today you voted for us!"

Here's one more guys, I just could't leave this one out. Enjoy!

FRIDAYS IN HELL

One day a man dies and goes to Hell. He meets up with a demon who sees that he’s depressed. The demon asks him, “Hey, dude, why so glum?”

“Why do you think?” said the man, “Look at where I’m at!”

The demon replied, “Hell’s not so bad. Hey, do you like to drink?”

The man replied, “Uh ... yeah, I like to drink.”

“Well, every Monday in Hell is drinking day. All day long, help yourself to wine, whiskey, brandy, vodka, rum, tequila, mead, beer ... anything you want. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more.”

“Wow, that sounds like a lot of fun!”, said the man.

“Do you smoke?”, asked the demon.

“I love to smoke!” said the man.

“Well, every Tuesday in Hell is tobacco day. We have the finest cigars from all over the world! Smoke all you want. You can’t get cancer because you’re already dead.”

“Wow, that’s great!”, said the man, starting to feel a little better about being in hell.

“Do you like fighting?” asked the demon.

“Yeah”, said the man.

“Great, because every Wednesday in Hell is fight day. Pick any weapons you want, swords, knives, axes, guns, clubs, and just go wild. Hack, shoot, stab and maul to your heart’s delight. You can’t kill anyone because everybody’s already dead!”

“Wow, that sounds like fun!”, said the man, becoming more and more enthusiastic about his situation.

“Do you do drugs?”, asked the demon.

“You don’t mean, ...?”

“I sure do! Every Thursday in Hell is drug day. We got it all: cocaine, heroin, opium, meth, crack, ice, pills ... anything you want. Smoke a joint the size of a submarine if you want to ... you’re dead, so who cares, right?”

“Wow, this is great! Who would have thought Hell is such a cool place!”

“Are you gay?”, asked the demon.

“No”

“Oooh ... you’re going to hate Fridays!”

[diaprbayb]

Two friends talking, making up for lost time.

Joe: So Sam, you have a girl friend yet?

Sam: Well I had a few, but every time I take her home to meet my parents, my mother hates them so much I can't see them again.

Joe: What need to do is find a girl that just like your mom, She wont help but like her.

Sam: Sounds good, I try it out.

~2 monthe later~

Joe: So Sam hows the girl friend hunt going?

Sam: Well I found the perfect girl, my Mom loves her.

Joe: So what's the problem?

Sam: Now My Dad dosen't like her

[TerryBigBum]

The Donkey Raffle

A young hillbilly named Kenny, moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said, "sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died."

Kenny replied, "well, then, just give me my money back."

The Farmer said, "can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Kenny said, "OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey."

The farmer asked, "what ya gonna do with him?"

Kenny said, "I'm going to raffle him off."

The farmer said, "you can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

Kenny said, "sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."

A month later, the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "what happened with that dead donkey?"

Kenny said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $998"

The farmer said, "didn't anyone complain?"

Kenny said, "just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

[Chloe]

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that

can store and play music in women's breast implants.

The I-Breast will cost between $499 or $599.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always

complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Chloe

[Tuxedo Oryx]

A preacher buys a donkey from another preacher, who explains that it was trained to go at phrase "Praise the lord," and stop with the word "Amen." One day, the new owner climbs onto the donkey's back, and says "Praise the lord." It walks on command. Pleased with the its training, he repeats the phrase to get it to trot, canter, and then a full gallop. Unfortunately, the beast of burden was racing towards a cliff, and the man forgot how to stop it. Just when they were about to plunge off the precipice, the preacher shouts towards the heavens, "AMEEEEN!!!" The donkey screeches to a halt at the edge of the cliff. Relieved, he pulls out a handcherchef and dabs his forehead. "Phew! Praise the lord..."

[BabyJune]

An Irishman who is running late for his appointment is frantically driving around the big city trying to find a parking space. He prays, "Lord, if ye help me find a parkin' space, I promise to give up the booze and go t' church every Sunday." All of a sudden, the Irishman notices a parking space and says, "Never mind, Lord, I found one."

***

Once upon a time there were two rabbits...and now look how many there are!

***

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi are out on the lake fishing in a boat. The priest announces, "I'm thirsty. Think I'll walk back to shore and get me a bottle of water out of the cooler." He steps out of the boat and walks to land, returning with his water.

A bit later on, the minister announces that he, too, is thirsty and steps out of the boat. He also walks across the water to land, grabs a bottle of water and returns to the boat.

The rabbi decides that he would like a drink. The rabbi steps out of the boat and immediately sinks to the bottom of the lake.

The priest looks at the minister and says, "We really should have told him where the stepping-stones are, shouldn't we?"

***

Jack and Jill went up a hill;

Each with a buck and a quarter.

Jill came down with $2.50.

[Sunshine2585]

A woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary surgery. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Polly has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room, returning a few moments later with a beautiful black Labrador. As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws

on the examination table and sniffed the dead parrot from top to bottom.

He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet fussed the dog and took it out, but returned a few moments later with a cat.

The cat jumped up and also sniffed delicately at the ex-bird. The cat sat back, shook its head, meowed and ran out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but like I said, your parrot is most definitely 100% certifiably dead."

He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman.

The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill.

"$150?!, she cried, $150 just to tell me my bird is dead?!"

The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it the bill would only have been $20, but what with the Lab report and the Cat scan..."

[Sunshine2585]

Another parrot related joke:

A woman has a parrot that is fond of swearing. She constantly corrects him but the bird just keeps swearing. One day, in desperation, she takes the parrot to the vet. The vet's advice is to put the bird in the freezer for a few minutes. The woman leaves vowing to never use the strange advice. However, in frustration one day, she finally pops the parrot in the freezer. Upon taking him out, she asks, "Now, are you going to stop swearing?" The bird replies, "Yes". "Are you sure you are going to stop?". "Yes", replies the bird again. "But, can I ask a question?". "Sure", replies the parrrot's owner. And the parrot asks,

"What did the chicken do?"

[DollyDiaper]

Very funnies, me larfins.

Why are parrots the butt of so many jokes I wonder?

D lly

[BabyJune]

I think it's because they're the only species that can learn to talk...besides humans, that is. It's fascinating to hear a bird use human words. As a psychology major, I found it so intriguing that gorillas/monkeys, etc. can learn to use sign language. Not only that, but once they've learned it, they teach it to their offspring. (It was groundbreaking research when I was in college, which was a long time ago).

Baby June 3/6/2007

[Saotome]

I have a few that are pretty old, but I still laugh when I hear them. Sorry if the words are a bit off and sorry if the second offends anyone.

A man is out walking one day along the beach and in the sand he finds a magic lamp. The man begins to rub the lamp and out, of course, pops a genie. The genie then proceeds to tell him "Master, you have released me from the lamp and I will grant you 3 wishes, however, anything I grant you I will give double to your wife." The man thinks for a moment and asks the genie for a million dollars. The genie nods and replies "you now have a million dollars, but remember your wife now has 2 million dollars." The man thinks for a bit longer and then asks for an expensive house on the beach. Once again the genie nods and says "Your wish is granted. You now have an expensive house on the beach, but remember your wife now has 2 houses." The man goes back into thought for a bit then makes his final wish "Genie, I wish for you to beat me half to death."

-----------------------------------------------------

4 men are enjoying their regular poker night when the host asks if the others want another beer. They all say sure and so he goes off to the kitchen to get the drinks. While he is gone the men get to talking about family and the first guy begins to brag about his son.

"My son is the best salesman at his car dealership and man is he doing great! He makes so much money that he was able to get a friend of his a new car, completely paid for, as a gift."

The other 2 men start nodding and agreeing how good that is when the second man speaks up.

"That's pretty good, but MY son sells houses and is making so much money he was able to get his friend a brand new house completely paid for."

The first guy lowers his head a bit, but agrees that it is pretty impressive. Not to be outdone the 3rd guy chimes in.

"Well that's good and all, but MY son is a VERY successful businessman. He is closing deals all over the world. In fact he is in Japan right now making a huge deal that will pretty much set him for life. He is doing so well in fact as a gift he took his buddy around the world with him on his last few business trips for free"

The first 2 guys clearly outmatched lower their head in defeat just as the host walks back in with the beers. The third guy says "Hey we were just talking about our sons and how successful they were. How is your kid doing?" The host turns red and very softly says, "Er...well. I don't know. He is one of them...homosexuals..." The other 3 guys sort of gasp and mumble amongst the group feeling bad for the guy. The host continues, "..although, I suppose he's not doing that bad. His last 3 boyfriends bought him a car, a house and a trip around the world."