Don't Know Anymore...

[Doughboy420]

As long as I can remember, I've been plagued by bouts of depression. All I've ever wanted is some friends and maybe one day a steady relationship, but my social awkwardness makes even talking to people difficult, let alone trying to speak with a girl (or boy). After years of being mistreated by family and people who pretended to be my friends, I've developed such a defensive wall around myself that I can never feel safe enough to just be myself. I find it nearly impossible to lower my guard and let anyone close. I can't seem to trust anyone out of fear of the past repeating itself. I feel useless and have almost no self-esteem. I've almost reached the point of giving up on everything and just living in my car. All I seem to do is wall myself off in my apartment and vegetate, smoking a little weed to make it so I don't care anymore. Even base things that I use to enjoy,

[Rockies Fan in Diapers]

Please Know that you are Not alone & I have & actually currently feel much the same way you do. Its a struggle I know, Just try to live in the moment not looking in the past or too far into the future, & enjoy & look for the small things in life that might bring you a smile. *Hugs* I hope this brightens your day somewhat.

[Doughboy420]

Thank you, Rockies Fan. I do feel a little better and I appreciate all the help. The only problem is that I know these down trodden feeling will return like they always do and they'll just keep getting worse. I'll continue to keep my head up, but I really don't know how much longer I can deal with this level of loneliness and depression. All I ever feel now is tired and sleep is my only escape. I'd sleep forever if I could.

[Bettypooh]

Normally I have nothing against casual 420 use, but it is a depressant once the high is gone I know this from personal experience and all the medical info agrees I'm not saying that stopping smoking will cure what ails you, only that with it you're fighting two enemies and they seem to be winning You need a life with people in it- we all do. You have to get out of the house to have that life so that's where I would recommend you start. Make it easy- go see a movie, hit the library, watch the races, just do something outside of home and around other people even if you don't know them If you haven't sought professional help with the depression then do so. Your MD can help you in that search or maybe you know someone with depression.

[BabyJune]

Try this as an exercise: Instead of writing about what depresses you, write a story (either true or fictional) about the way you'd like things to be and what would make you happy. Read it and re-read it until you can put yourself into the scene. Remember that sadness is a state-of mind...and so is happiness. The important thing to remember is that YOU CAN DO IT AND YOU CAN GET THROUGH THIS.

[Doughboy420]

Thank you everyone for your words of encouragement. I appreciate everything you have to say. Heck, I even feel better knowing people just pop in to read my depressing thoughts. I'm not

[Bettypooh]

You're not alone here in this forum, for many of us go through similar issues ourselves. Not wishing to see anyone else suffer what we have, we're here to help if we can

[-Sudoku-]

Buy a giant trampoline. They cure depression. Fact.

[kevindhca]

Find something to do, a hobby perhaps. Just sitting around is not going to be helpful.

Maybe you have some interest in a field that with study and practice you can become skilled in.

You need to occupy the mind with some productive thinking.

It's not a bad thing if people call you with a need, that's what friends are for. They need something, maybe you can deliver, it's win win.

People call me all the time looking for something, note I don't really like talking to people, but I have skills, and they know quality honest work is hard to come by.

I do appreciate the praise of a job well done, but for me the biggest reward is the job itself. All projects are done to the best of my ability, no shortcuts ever.

Be yourself, normal is boring, get on with your life and accept that you are an unique individual that the world will be better off with you as a part of it.