I've Finally Found Someone

[HitorMiss]

I'm not really sure why I feel compelled to tell other people this, but the urge to rush and shout from the rooftops is too hard to contain. I'm not trying to brag or anything, I'm just feeling intense, life-changing happiness and I need to share. A lifetime of sexual shame, frustration, and guilt feels like it's washing away.

I appologize in advance if this entire post seems disjointed and free flowing - I'm writing stream of consciousness style. Perhaps I need to give some context into my particular situation. I'm certain it's not unique at all - I've been a diaper lover since before I even entered puberty. Like virtually everybody in our community, I have no idea why. I can remember being very little and sneaking diapers from the nursery that my mother worked at. She babysat kids, and I sort of grew up in the nursery. I can remember the urges to wear diapers coming extremely young - some of my first memories involve diapers in some form or another. I can remember, for example, a time when I was being potty trained and I had an accident, and my mother put me in a diaper for the night. I can remember sitting in time out while my mom angerly prepared a bath, with some powder and a diaper on my bed waiting for me. I also can remember being envious of other kids while my mom changed their diapers - being little kids, when one kid had to have his diaper changed, we'd all inevitably gather around and watch. I'm sure to most kids it was humilating, but I remember a strong desire to swap places with the kid being diapers at any given moment. I can also remember my big sister's friends playing with baby dolls, changing their diapers, and teasing me that they'd put me in a diaper if I didn't leave them alone. I'm sure all these moments in some way contributed to my fetish, but, my education not being in psychology, I can't say for certain.

I can say that the desire to wear diapers was so strong, so early, that I gave in regularly probably beginning around 5 years old. Like I said earlier, I'd sneak diapers and wear them around when it was late at night, after everyone had gone to bed. I had a stash that I hid behind my bed. In retrospect, I have no idea how I got rid of those diapers, but sufficient evidence leads me to believe that my parents never had a clue.

This ritual continued until I hit puberty. That's pretty much when my desire to wear diapers stopped being a fancy, and became the largest, most complicated problem in my life. With my rapidly growing body, figuring out ways to fit into diapers became a major hassle. I would frankenstein together some weird, wicked diapers, using a couple of pairs of baby diapers, duct tape, staples, and pieces of paper. I can remember so vividly wishing with all my might that, somehow, magically, I could fit into a diaper. I, of course, knew about adult diapers, but obtaining them was not realistically possible. It's funny to look back now, at 28, and think about how finding diapers that fit me was such a huge desire. I would literally dream about finding those types of diapers.

With puberty came, of course, masturbation, and it wasn't long before I learned to pair the two together. Diapers and masturbation became my sole sexual outlet for many years. It was a source of great personal shame. I developed the classic binge-purge cycle. I can't recount the number of nights that I'd swear to myself in the mirror that I'd give up diapers for good, that I was strong enough to over come them, thatI could be "normal." I'd always give in, of course. With the benefit of retrospect, I can confidently say that I hated myself, who I was. My strong fetish came at the detriment of dating - I missed many important social milestones throughout puberty because I felt such a strong shame. For example, I didn't have my first real date and kiss until the second semester of my senior year of highschool. As I'm older, and more confident in myself today, I can admit that, looking back at pictures, I wasn't an unattractive young guy, but I'd become paralyzed when I spoke to girls my own age. The shame from my fetish would drain me of all confidence, and I'd stutter through some awkward conversations that lead nowhere. I'd watch my peers and friends effortlessly pick up women, and as I got older, I began to hear whispers from extended family members, "Why doesn't [hitormiss] ever have a girlfriend? How come he is always coming to christmas/thanksgiving/whatever by himself?" and so forth. It's not that I didn't desire a woman - I definitely did - it's that I thought so little of myself that becoming close to one was a near impossibility.

Now, to contrast all this doom and gloom, the sole bright spot in this fog of confusion is that I was born in the early 80's, and my parents were incredibly technologically savvy. My household got the internet in 1988, and I really can't remember a time when I didn't have access to it. Yes yes, I predate the web, I remember going around on usenet and BBS sites talking to people about this from an extremely early age. One of the earliest websites (as in, not a BBS or forum) I found was the now-defunct Diaper Pail Friends page, along with Narcis' Diaper Page. Thus, for a young teenager going through such a confusing time in my life, I had a remarkable grasp of what I was doing. I understood fetishism early, to a degree at least. I still clung to the hopeless idea that I could somehow be "cured," but I at least knew I wasn't alone. Narcis' Diaper page in particular was extremely eye opening: WOMEN can be into this sort of stuff too?! DPF was like 99% male at the time, so realizing that both men and women can experience fetishes was important in my early sexual identity. If any of the old guard from DPF stumbles upon this post, please understand how sincere my gratitude is for what that site did. At times, it was likely the only thing keeping my young mind together. I can remember reading updates (this was before blogs, kiddos) where anoymous webmasters mused about hypothetical young teens who might stumble upon the site, extremely confused, and how it was important for them to know they weren't alone. I am one of such people, and you guys were spot on in your mission.

From highschool until well after I graduated from college, I experienced a long string of failed relationships. Not just "oh it didn't work out" sort of failed relationships, but soul-crushing failed relationships. I would try my hardest to "be normal" and just get a normal girlfriend. It never would work - I had several women who honestly liked me and were interested in me throughout my life, but I was never able to reciprocate. Eventually, every relationship met the same end - we'd hit a wall where I would be sexually unsatisfied, the girl would sense incredible mistrust, and the relationship would crumble. Their sense of mistrust was well placed - I did mistrust them, after all. I could never tell them about my fetish. How could I? It is something they'd never understand. When I was 17 years old, my parents actually caught me, and their reaction was a disaster. The folks were oldschool sorts of people, and I got an oldschool response - I was called everything from a pervert to a freak to disgusting. This, about a subject I was already deeply ashamed about. They made it very clear - my "diaper shit" ended immediately (even though, unknown to them, it didn't) and what I did was wrong, and I was right to be ashamed because I was going to end up alone and shunned if I continued this behavior. that mentality killed me for many years. No, telling someone I was in a relationship with about my diaper fetish was completely out of the question - anything other than outright approval would have destroyed me, and I had already made up my mind that no one would ever approve. And thus, I remained alone for many, many years, very unhappy.

All those years, one desire burned inside me - find someone who understands and wants to join in with me. The image of Narcis putting on diapers in grainy realmedia videos 20 years ago fueled these desires - someone, SOMEONE out there must be searching for me. Being that I grew up alongside the internet, I naturally turned to it for the best help I could get. In my more curious years, I'd actually respond to ads other guys had put up, even though I was sure I wasn't gay. While I definitely have no feelings of animosity towards gay people - those of us who have experienced the scorn of a shunned fetish quickly learn all sorts of tolerance after all - the thought of being with another man repulsed me on a personal level. I'd schedule to meet up with a person, inadvertantly stringing them along, only to cancel at the last second because I couldn't go through with it. I was looking for female companionship, not a cheap round of masturbation. To those guys who I strung along, I apologize.

Throughout all this, from the moment I hit puberty to still to this very day, diapers subconsciously dominate my thoughts. I'll often have very sexual dreams about being diapered against my will. Such dreams are thrilling when they occur, because they can occasionally feel very, very real. Sometimes, I'll be minding my work or doing something unrelated, and the thought of a diaper will creep into my mind. More specifically, the thought of having a companion to revel in this diaper play with me. For me, this is very much a fetish - my adult baby tendencies are very light compared to the intense fetish side of all this. As such, it's not so much a dom/sub thing with me, and I don't look for a mommy or daddy, nor am I particularly interested in solely being someones daddy. It's all encompassing - I've been searching for a woman who's love for diapers is as far reaching as my own - someone who is turned on by the mere diapers themselves, who can appreciate the other aspects of ABDL lifestyle but who ultimately knows that it's a fetish for them. I need a woman who will not only diaper me, but let me diaper her. A very mutual relationship, as it is.

Like most guys my age, I've tried all sorts of online dating stuff. I've put out ads on craigslist (and answered one once... it turned out to be a guy, ugh), and sites such as this very own. About 2-3 years ago, after my last breakup with my last girlfriend, I sort of re-examined my life and I've come to a bunch of conclusions. This fetish is never going away, you can't defeat it. To anybody who hates themselves over it, who is struggling to put it behind them "forever," you have my eternal sympathy. I've been there, and I am very sorry to say you'll fail at your endevor. For my own mental well being, I decided that my only course of action was to embrace the side of my life to the best extent I could, and try to accept it. I've come to realize that a big portion of my shame came from this feeling that diapers had to be all or nothing - I either had to be all about diapers, or not about them at all. Life isn't nearly as black and white. Moderation is key - I can keep the "normal" parts of my life, along with the diapered parts. I can switch between modes at will. I don't have to choose one life or the other, I can choose both. What I do in private is of my own concern, and nobody elses, save those I choose to share it with. My private life doesn't need validation, I don't need the clerk at the corner store down the street to understand me or to give me her approval. I can still go to sporting events I love, sans diaper and sans embarassment, and come home and put on a diaper when I feel like it. The culmination of all this reflection was a different approach to dating - I wouldn't put out an ad for sex on some diaper site or craigslist or whatever, nor would I date girls who, in all honestly, likely would never understand a diaper fetish. I understood the sort of woman I wanted, so I decided to go after that sort of woman. I put out a feeler ad on a diaper dating website and poured my soul into my profile, much like i'm doing with this post, and waited.

A year went by, two years next. I'd get responses from the usual guys, or transgendered people (bless them for the difficult road they travel, but they're just not what I'm looking for). While I've felt peace with myself and who I am, I still felt hollow without a companion. Many times I felt my effort was futile. After a while, I stopped going out of my way to read other people's personal ads, believing they all lead to dead ends.

Then, about a week and a half ago, it happened. A woman answered my ad. A woman by birth. She was older than me, but you'd have to be crazy to think that would be a hang up for me. We chatted a bit online - I confirmed to myself that she was real. She was perfect, exactly the sort of person I was looking for. Her appeal to the fetish was vitually identical to my own. With my deepest, darkest secret not only wide out in the open, but completely embraced by this amazing woman, I found newborn confidence. With a boldness I haven't felt in many, many years, I scheduled a date, and she agreed. Last weekend we met up for the first time.

And it went great! We both found, thankfully, that we have other things in common beyond diapers. I had a wonderful time, and by the end of the night, we were already discussing plans for our next meeting. Our initial date was public - dinner at a restaurant, sans diapers of course. It was mainly to feel each other out and make sure there weren't any weird hang ups or anything, but she wants to continue and obviously so do I. Our next meeting, which is still unscheduled (mainly because I have a busy weekend coming up) will likely be the sort of meeting I've dreamed about for virtually my whole life. She was very open about her desire to diaper me, and for me to diaper her. We are going to watch some movies, drink out of sippy cups, wet outselves, and play with each other's diapers generally. But, more importantly, we want to keep seeing each other. We've been in contact repeatedly since our initial date - there aren't any signs to be misread. We're both taking it slowly, I'm not nearly ready to consider her a mate or a partner or anything, but we're definitely friends and eager to see if we can become more than friends. We have an agreement to put aside an akwardness we feel, because we both know exactly what we want. It's the reason she messaged me, after all. The reason I put the ad up to begin with. There is no need to tip toe around it.

The extent by which this has had my confidence soaring lately cannot be measured. I haven't felt this alive in... ever. It's different, it's not the sort of tingly thrill I'd get when I'd go out with a girl in college, for example. It's very different, very liberating. I feel a lot more open, a lot more complete. Even if this relationship doesn't work, I know it's not futile. It's not impossible. There are women out there looking for me, and this big beautiful internet is here willing to help me find thm. I find myself very optimistic as of late. It's an amazing feeling I wish I could share with everyone who has a diaper fetish, because I know the opposite extreme. I guess, in contrast to the opening of this post where I said I didn't know why I was writing this, that I've figured out why I felt compelled to do so. I need to spread this feeling of hope with all those just like me. Because it's an incredible feeling. It's not love or lust, it's happiness and belonging. I truly hope everybody gets to experience this at least once in their life. It's very validating.

Such a long, rambling post needs a good ending to sum it all up, for completeness. I've spent a good 15 minutes now trying to come up with one - there are numerous quotes that can apply. Instead, I'll post a song from a claymation show called Moral Orel that sums up eveyrhing. For those who don't know, Moral Orel is an adult claymation show that ran on cartoon network's late night adult swim block. It initially appears to be nothing more than a couple of cheap jabs at religion, but over the course of 3 seasons, an extremely dark, depressing, and bleak story is told about repression, and shame. In the instance of that particular show, it uses religious intolerance as an analog for all sorts of intolerance, and focuses on a boy who is initially hyper religious. He slowly comes to redefine his religion - not losing it in the process but rather reframing it as not an external outlet, but an internal one, and ultimately finds happiness and peace once he accepts himself. It's an incredible show, one that definitely doesn't get the recognition it deserves and it's incredibly thought provoking. If you ever have the opportunity to watch the show in its entirety, I recommend you do and press on through the seemingly juvenile opening season (it actually isn't as juvenile as it seems when you go back and rewatch it after season 3, and is initially misleading, but is important in framing the distorted mindset of the town).

Anywho, enough praise for the show, about the clip itself. It comes from one of the last episodes called "closeface," which is about how the only (self-hating) lesbian in the town is reflecting on her junior high dance. A girl asks her to the dance as a prank and kisses her in the process, and the lesbian pens a song about her called "closeface" because, when you kiss someone, the face you see is distorted. Of course, intolerance rules the day, and once it becomes obvious that the other girl isn't a lesbian but is instead making fun of the lesbian, she spirals into depression, magnified by the social stigma that what she's doing is wrong and evil. The lesbian, now an adult and a social outcast, is friends with the main character, the titular Moral Orel, who wants to go to his junior high dance with a girl he has a crush on, but who is unfortunately a slightly different religion (the main difference being something trivial, like they use red brick on their church instead of brown). He initially decides not to persue his crush, because he's convinced it's "wrong" when the lesbian teaches him about closeface. I don't want to spoil the series for anyone who decides to actually watch it, but it plays a crucial role in the ultimate outcome of the series. A couple of key lines that seem particularly relevant:

"There's a dirty girl and she whispers to me...

'close face'

I think she thinks that I'm her perfect match

cause I'm just her type when we are both attached

and when she backs away you are always right there"

Thanks for letting me bare my soul. I'll likely drop in a few times in this thread if anybody has any questions or anything.

[HitorMiss]

Well, crap, so much for that ending, haha. The video didn't get included... so here it is. Again.

[BigC300]

Good for you! Remember the old saying "give a man a fish and he eats for a day but teach a man to fish and he eats for a lifetime!" You know how now.

[warpiper]

i thought it was give a man a fish and he eats for a day. teach a man to fish and he sits in a boat and drinks beer all day...

[packrat]

hitorMiss:

Great news for you.

[Zekent]

That was an interesting read, I hope that everything turns out well and you haven't built up TOO much on someone you've just recently met.. I know falling for someone is exciting but it hurts the worst if things don't go well.. But I hope it does because you seem to deserve a break!

[SammaraShradder]

Thanks for this!

As an 18 year old girl I've gone through all the "I'm a freak. I hate myself. What's wrong with me? I'm so ashamed." and most of all the confusion. I can talk to friends about everything...Except this.

[HitorMiss]

Thanks for the warm responses thus far! I definitely felt like I was exposing some the deepest portions of my soul in that post, and I appreciate that some took the time to read it.

[diapertime42]

So what kind of site did you have your ad on??? Was it a regular vanilla site, or a fetish oriented ste? Or something like Craigslist?

[HitorMiss]

Oh, I can't believe I didn't mention it in the post. It's diaperbook, we found each other on diaperbook.

[Bettypooh]

Glad you've found someone who might work out with you It is tough knowing that you may be alone in life forever as I am, but once you validate yourself as being OK just as you are it gets easier But it's still lonely nonetheless Now that you're on the right path, be honest with her and go forward at her pace, not yours. Relationships are always a bit awkward at the start but the good ones get past that pretty quick I hope you've found your bliss- let us know how it goes

[HitorMiss]

Well we're meeting up this weekend. I have to say that, even though I've dated other women before, and I've met this woman already, I have butterflies in my stomach already. It's a mixture of excitement and nervousness. I'm trying to keep a cool head about this and remain calm and keep my expectations low, but when you've been lusting for a weekend like this your whole life -- and your partner appears to be just as excited for it as well -- it's hard not to dream big.

[wetabenas]

good for you mate..... me and my missus met on diaper mates 4 years ago and now we live together and im 24/7......life couldnt be any better...

[HitorMiss]

So I've been lost at how to reply to this thread. Writing the initial OP was very theraputic for me and I definitely want to follow up for the same reasons, but at the same time it was such an incredibly private and personal moment that I don't want to spill my guts in the same way. It's not bragging, it's more like reflection and interspection. I'll just keep things vauge so that my favorite moments remain mine.

[HitorMiss]

Ooooh, another point I wanted to make - sorry for the double post - but since then, I came home and diapered myself and it definitely didn't feel the same. It didn't feel thrilling like it normally felt. For one, we were using ABU Cushies at her place which are amazing and only have depends at my disposal which, well, aren't. But beyond that, being in diapers by myself felt very lonely. It wasn't the normal rush. Should I keep seeing this girl, I guess it doesn't matter to me if the rush doesn't return. In fact, it's kinda nice being able to go through the day without pining to get into a diaper... although that sensation has now been replaced a desire to go be with someone else in a diaper. Either way, from here on out, this is definitely not a by-myself activity for me anymore. Saturday night changed my perception about this fetish quite profoundly.

[HitorMiss]

I guess this isn't quite as interesting to everyone else as it obviously is for me. I'm sorry if I appear eager to talk about this, it's just been understandably on my mind. The nature of this site makes it the only place I can really converse about this, because I can't normally talk amongst my friends like we all normally do.

[Bettypooh]

The forums have been slow lately There's usually 2-3 pages of new content every day, lately about one I'm sure I'm not the only one interested in your thread. Your time together seems so idyllic and I hope it gets even better

[wetabenas]

im interested. its kinda nice to see how it turnes out for somebody else that has gone through what me and my gf have gone through. there is alot of similarity between your experience and mine. like i said, me and my gf are now living happily together and the happy nappy ever after we always wanted is now reality........ i wish you the best of luck with your new found encounters..... a word to the wise though, just be cool. you will have plenty time to have fetish fun and sex. its not the be and end all. spend time having fun in a normal sense of the word and getting to know each other. i hope it all goes ok for you bro.

[PaddedPat]

Please don't think you have to censor yourself on our account.

The whole point of a public forum is to discuss topics freely by drawing from the unique experiences each member brings to the the debate. There's absolutely no shame in using this forum as it's designed: a medium for sharing your personal experiences with the community anonymously and without fear of reprisal.

In fact, this thread is a testament that AB/DL is not always a burden; it can be a positive and enriching experience too if the right circumstances prevail.

Threads like this are important to newcomers and folks that still struggle with personal demons about this lifestyle.

It's cathartic. And lord knows that many AB/DLs need such a catharsis to help them cope with or adjust to this lifestyle as healthy adults.

Keep it up! :-)

[Forced2wet]

Always good to see a happy ending and someone lucky enough to find exactly what they're looking for.

Don't let the lack of response put you off posting you experiences, you'll see from the number counter, members are reading your thread and hopefully enjoying it

[HitorMiss]

Thanks for the support, guys. I 've been on a lot of forums where treating your topics like a blog is pretty frowned upon, and I don't want to upset any unspoken rules.

[wetabenas]

youll probs feel it amp right up and off the scale bro..... thats what happened to us.... im 24/7 now and we love it......

after reading alot of your posts it sounds like we have had some similar experiences, thoughts and feelings about the fetish and i can say that after 34 years i have finally

[joel15]

Thank you, thank you, thank you! I can relate to this on so many levels. I've always wanted to be 'normal' but I realize this is normal for me. I've been blessed with so much and I can't hate myself for being myself.

This post was inspirational to say the least-- I wish you the best!

[PaddedPat]

See? Posts like Joel's are precisely why threads like this are important to the community. Sometimes, folks just need an occasional pick-me-up to remind them that AB/DL needn't hinder them from leading a fulfilling life.

Normalcy is an illusion, and aspiring to reach it at the expense of one's identity is a fool's errand.

Celebrate your quirks. Embrace them. Because without them, this world would be a dreary place indeed.

[HitorMiss]

Thank you so much for the warm replies, it means a lot to me. I've been getting some static from the chat room because apparently this girl is all I talk about, and I've been trying to keep myself from just gushing constantly. I guess I do it, because I really only come to this site when diapers are on my mind, and when diapers are on my mind she's typically on my mind too. I don't mean to offend, I guess it's just an outlet.