HitorMiss

Oh, new set of concerns has arisen, actually. A friend of mine is going to meet this woman on friday. I hope it all goes smooth, but I'm sort of worried because she'll be older than us. I really don't have any problem being with an older woman in public - I like her a lot - but I'm sort of worried about my friend acting awkward or committing a faux pas. Obviously, we're not going to talk about diapers or anything, but I think it might still be a little weird. I'm more nervous about my friend accidentally making her feel uncomfortable than anything else. Here's hoping it goes well.

Thank you so much for the warm replies, it means a lot to me. I've been getting some static from the chat room because apparently this girl is all I talk about, and I've been trying to keep myself from just gushing constantly. I guess I do it, because I really only come to this site when diapers are on my mind, and when diapers are on my mind she's typically on my mind too. I don't mean to offend, I guess it's just an outlet.

Well it certainly ties into economic solutions. Plastic diapers are quite inefficient and wasteful, not to mention they pile up in dumps. The green solution is cloth.

That's certainly an interesting take, but one that isn't realistically one that most can hold. I envy your ability to not care what others think, I really do. Despite accepting who I am and generally not caring to let people in on my fetish, I still do care what others think. Like if my friends found out and rejected me, I'd be crushed. It's not black and white to me, I can value someone's input while avoiding their input of diaper fetishes. My trick is that I've figured out that I dont need others to approve, and thus don't seek out their input. It's sort of easier for me since I want simplesexual fulfillment from wearing diapers rather than to live the AB lifestyle, but I don't feel the need to clue people in on my personal actions. I guess I've learned true privacy - the need to share only with those I care most for. It's basically a mental change. I haven't done anything differently - when I didn't accept myself is not like I told people in my life what I did anyways. It's more like I've decided to not worry about telling others. It makes a huge difference for me, that mindset really repairs my mental health.

That never works for me. I can never work up the urge to express my fetish. The fear of rejection is paralyzing, which funny enough usually sabotage the relationship because it becomes pretty obvious that I'm hiding a significant portion of my life from the person I'm with. Looking for someone who is into the fetish first and starting from there was more logical to me and has been working better. I suggest using sites like this very one. The meeting place subforum seems to be set up specifically for this. You just have to be out going. Be honest, too. Spilling your guts to someone online can yield a powerful connection.

My own pee doesn't turn me on really as much as it serves as a reminder that I'm diapered, which itself is a turn on. However, when I change my girls diaper, the smell of her urine drives me crazy. I'm not into water sports our anything, but damn her wet diaper's stench is great. I haven't been able to identify why it's such a turn on, likely a combination of the fact that she had willingly submitted in such an intimate way coupled with yet another sensory reminder that my mate wears diapers, but it's great. I don't think this would apply if the urine was extra smelly though. So no asparagus urine lol.

I've been thinking quite a bit about fetishism and the sort of havoc it can wreak on people. Obviously some are more accepted than others - foot fetishism is practically mainstream compared to diaper fetishes, for example. Growing up, I had an extreme amount of stress over my own diaper fetish. I felt broken at times, like a freak. I feared rejection, and the one time my fetish came to the forefront - when I was caught by my parents - my fear was validated. A common, repeated wish of mine was to be "cured." For my fetish to vanish over night, for therapy to absolve me of my mental prison. I've since come to realize the destructive nature of this mode of thinking - it implies imperfection and inferiority. You can never find happiness until you are satisfied with your own worth. I know countless others wish they wouldn't have this affliction, this desire to wear diapers or diaper someone else, and/or act like a baby. I enjoy reading thought provoking material on the subject of self worth and I'm surprised to find relatively little discussion about coming to accept this fetish. It seems there are simply two groups of thought - those still struggling to come to terms with it, and those who already have, with little dialog between. Learning to accept this fetish is important. I learned the hard way that you can't be cured, that this never goes away. The best solution isn't to fight your subconscious but rather to stop hating what you are and learn to manage it. Managing is a broad term, it can mean simply learning when it's acceptable to engage in diaper play or being ok with totally submitting 24/7, and anything in between. I don't think managing can ever mean totally giving up the practice, unfortunately. The truck to managing is to love and accept yourself. There is no one way to do that. It came with a lot of self reflection for me. I guess I sort of logic'd my way to acceptance - realizing, for example, that gay people don't choose their orientation and can't change it, yet I don't think any less off them, for example. I applied that mode of thought to my own experiences and found solace. A general disdain for those who so often set agendas in this world also helped - if this leader can fuck up municipal matters so greatly and I disagree with him on every fiscal issue, why should I take his opinion on my sexual fetishism to heart? I guess I mainly learned to only care for my own opinions on things over those of others, and that lead to me listening to my own desires greater, and sort of figured out that I shouldn't judge myself for what I'd beyond my control, ultimately. Hence this topic. It took me ages to come to this sort of mindset that could grant me inner peace. I know others have experienced this as well. As a young man, I was often so confused by all of this that I would have killed to hear this sort of world view. Anybody else want to share their own thoughts on acceptance and what it had many to them? Their own personal journeys? I apologize in advance for any typos in this post. I'm writing it from my phone and the handwriting recognition on this thing isn't always the best.

Thanks for the support, guys. I 've been on a lot of forums where treating your topics like a blog is pretty frowned upon, and I don't want to upset any unspoken rules.

It depends on how big this fetish is to you, but for me I don't think I can go back to dating a woman not into diapers. i completely sympathize, though, because I was never bold enough to able to tell any of my girlfriends about my fetish. The fear of rejection terrified me. Eventually, I switched my plan around and decided to find someone into the fetish first, and see if it worked out from there.

Of wearing? The tightness I feel all around. It's so tight that every movement I make, every body shift I do gets felt all over the diaper. When I move my leg forward, for example, I can feel a counter tightness on the back of my right leg as the diaper stretches and contours. This is, of course, in addition to the sound factor because the diaper crinkles and cackles as it strains to cover my toilet area. When I wet, the feeling is even better because the diaper swells and gets thicker. A good, swollen diaper feels great, especially if I've soaked it to the point where every ounce of it is swollen.

I guess this isn't quite as interesting to everyone else as it obviously is for me. I'm sorry if I appear eager to talk about this, it's just been understandably on my mind. The nature of this site makes it the only place I can really converse about this, because I can't normally talk amongst my friends like we all normally do.

I found someone over on diaperbook, so I will swear by that site for life lol

Ooooh, another point I wanted to make - sorry for the double post - but since then, I came home and diapered myself and it definitely didn't feel the same. It didn't feel thrilling like it normally felt. For one, we were using ABU Cushies at her place which are amazing and only have depends at my disposal which, well, aren't. But beyond that, being in diapers by myself felt very lonely. It wasn't the normal rush. Should I keep seeing this girl, I guess it doesn't matter to me if the rush doesn't return. In fact, it's kinda nice being able to go through the day without pining to get into a diaper... although that sensation has now been replaced a desire to go be with someone else in a diaper. Either way, from here on out, this is definitely not a by-myself activity for me anymore. Saturday night changed my perception about this fetish quite profoundly.

So I've been lost at how to reply to this thread. Writing the initial OP was very theraputic for me and I definitely want to follow up for the same reasons, but at the same time it was such an incredibly private and personal moment that I don't want to spill my guts in the same way. It's not bragging, it's more like reflection and interspection. I'll just keep things vauge so that my favorite moments remain mine.

For me, the turn on comes from the swelling and bulging of the diaper. Thus, the wetter it is, the thicker it is. I typically wear 2 diapers at once, so even if the bottom diaper is completely filled, my top diaper looks normal. However, I'll poke holes in the bottom diaper to make both fill. The feeling of thick padding all around me usually drives me wild.

Well we're meeting up this weekend. I have to say that, even though I've dated other women before, and I've met this woman already, I have butterflies in my stomach already. It's a mixture of excitement and nervousness. I'm trying to keep a cool head about this and remain calm and keep my expectations low, but when you've been lusting for a weekend like this your whole life -- and your partner appears to be just as excited for it as well -- it's hard not to dream big.

Oh, I can't believe I didn't mention it in the post. It's diaperbook, we found each other on diaperbook.

Thanks for the warm responses thus far! I definitely felt like I was exposing some the deepest portions of my soul in that post, and I appreciate that some took the time to read it.

Well, crap, so much for that ending, haha. The video didn't get included... so here it is. Again.

I'm not really sure why I feel compelled to tell other people this, but the urge to rush and shout from the rooftops is too hard to contain. I'm not trying to brag or anything, I'm just feeling intense, life-changing happiness and I need to share. A lifetime of sexual shame, frustration, and guilt feels like it's washing away. I appologize in advance if this entire post seems disjointed and free flowing - I'm writing stream of consciousness style. Perhaps I need to give some context into my particular situation. I'm certain it's not unique at all - I've been a diaper lover since before I even entered puberty. Like virtually everybody in our community, I have no idea why. I can remember being very little and sneaking diapers from the nursery that my mother worked at. She babysat kids, and I sort of grew up in the nursery. I can remember the urges to wear diapers coming extremely young - some of my first memories involve diapers in some form or another. I can remember, for example, a time when I was being potty trained and I had an accident, and my mother put me in a diaper for the night. I can remember sitting in time out while my mom angerly prepared a bath, with some powder and a diaper on my bed waiting for me. I also can remember being envious of other kids while my mom changed their diapers - being little kids, when one kid had to have his diaper changed, we'd all inevitably gather around and watch. I'm sure to most kids it was humilating, but I remember a strong desire to swap places with the kid being diapers at any given moment. I can also remember my big sister's friends playing with baby dolls, changing their diapers, and teasing me that they'd put me in a diaper if I didn't leave them alone. I'm sure all these moments in some way contributed to my fetish, but, my education not being in psychology, I can't say for certain. I can say that the desire to wear diapers was so strong, so early, that I gave in regularly probably beginning around 5 years old. Like I said earlier, I'd sneak diapers and wear them around when it was late at night, after everyone had gone to bed. I had a stash that I hid behind my bed. In retrospect, I have no idea how I got rid of those diapers, but sufficient evidence leads me to believe that my parents never had a clue. This ritual continued until I hit puberty. That's pretty much when my desire to wear diapers stopped being a fancy, and became the largest, most complicated problem in my life. With my rapidly growing body, figuring out ways to fit into diapers became a major hassle. I would frankenstein together some weird, wicked diapers, using a couple of pairs of baby diapers, duct tape, staples, and pieces of paper. I can remember so vividly wishing with all my might that, somehow, magically, I could fit into a diaper. I, of course, knew about adult diapers, but obtaining them was not realistically possible. It's funny to look back now, at 28, and think about how finding diapers that fit me was such a huge desire. I would literally dream about finding those types of diapers. With puberty came, of course, masturbation, and it wasn't long before I learned to pair the two together. Diapers and masturbation became my sole sexual outlet for many years. It was a source of great personal shame. I developed the classic binge-purge cycle. I can't recount the number of nights that I'd swear to myself in the mirror that I'd give up diapers for good, that I was strong enough to over come them, thatI could be "normal." I'd always give in, of course. With the benefit of retrospect, I can confidently say that I hated myself, who I was. My strong fetish came at the detriment of dating - I missed many important social milestones throughout puberty because I felt such a strong shame. For example, I didn't have my first real date and kiss until the second semester of my senior year of highschool. As I'm older, and more confident in myself today, I can admit that, looking back at pictures, I wasn't an unattractive young guy, but I'd become paralyzed when I spoke to girls my own age. The shame from my fetish would drain me of all confidence, and I'd stutter through some awkward conversations that lead nowhere. I'd watch my peers and friends effortlessly pick up women, and as I got older, I began to hear whispers from extended family members, "Why doesn't [hitormiss] ever have a girlfriend? How come he is always coming to christmas/thanksgiving/whatever by himself?" and so forth. It's not that I didn't desire a woman - I definitely did - it's that I thought so little of myself that becoming close to one was a near impossibility. Now, to contrast all this doom and gloom, the sole bright spot in this fog of confusion is that I was born in the early 80's, and my parents were incredibly technologically savvy. My household got the internet in 1988, and I really can't remember a time when I didn't have access to it. Yes yes, I predate the web, I remember going around on usenet and BBS sites talking to people about this from an extremely early age. One of the earliest websites (as in, not a BBS or forum) I found was the now-defunct Diaper Pail Friends page, along with Narcis' Diaper Page. Thus, for a young teenager going through such a confusing time in my life, I had a remarkable grasp of what I was doing. I understood fetishism early, to a degree at least. I still clung to the hopeless idea that I could somehow be "cured," but I at least knew I wasn't alone. Narcis' Diaper page in particular was extremely eye opening: WOMEN can be into this sort of stuff too?! DPF was like 99% male at the time, so realizing that both men and women can experience fetishes was important in my early sexual identity. If any of the old guard from DPF stumbles upon this post, please understand how sincere my gratitude is for what that site did. At times, it was likely the only thing keeping my young mind together. I can remember reading updates (this was before blogs, kiddos) where anoymous webmasters mused about hypothetical young teens who might stumble upon the site, extremely confused, and how it was important for them to know they weren't alone. I am one of such people, and you guys were spot on in your mission. From highschool until well after I graduated from college, I experienced a long string of failed relationships. Not just "oh it didn't work out" sort of failed relationships, but soul-crushing failed relationships. I would try my hardest to "be normal" and just get a normal girlfriend. It never would work - I had several women who honestly liked me and were interested in me throughout my life, but I was never able to reciprocate. Eventually, every relationship met the same end - we'd hit a wall where I would be sexually unsatisfied, the girl would sense incredible mistrust, and the relationship would crumble. Their sense of mistrust was well placed - I did mistrust them, after all. I could never tell them about my fetish. How could I? It is something they'd never understand. When I was 17 years old, my parents actually caught me, and their reaction was a disaster. The folks were oldschool sorts of people, and I got an oldschool response - I was called everything from a pervert to a freak to disgusting. This, about a subject I was already deeply ashamed about. They made it very clear - my "diaper shit" ended immediately (even though, unknown to them, it didn't) and what I did was wrong, and I was right to be ashamed because I was going to end up alone and shunned if I continued this behavior. that mentality killed me for many years. No, telling someone I was in a relationship with about my diaper fetish was completely out of the question - anything other than outright approval would have destroyed me, and I had already made up my mind that no one would ever approve. And thus, I remained alone for many, many years, very unhappy. All those years, one desire burned inside me - find someone who understands and wants to join in with me. The image of Narcis putting on diapers in grainy realmedia videos 20 years ago fueled these desires - someone, SOMEONE out there must be searching for me. Being that I grew up alongside the internet, I naturally turned to it for the best help I could get. In my more curious years, I'd actually respond to ads other guys had put up, even though I was sure I wasn't gay. While I definitely have no feelings of animosity towards gay people - those of us who have experienced the scorn of a shunned fetish quickly learn all sorts of tolerance after all - the thought of being with another man repulsed me on a personal level. I'd schedule to meet up with a person, inadvertantly stringing them along, only to cancel at the last second because I couldn't go through with it. I was looking for female companionship, not a cheap round of masturbation. To those guys who I strung along, I apologize. Throughout all this, from the moment I hit puberty to still to this very day, diapers subconsciously dominate my thoughts. I'll often have very sexual dreams about being diapered against my will. Such dreams are thrilling when they occur, because they can occasionally feel very, very real. Sometimes, I'll be minding my work or doing something unrelated, and the thought of a diaper will creep into my mind. More specifically, the thought of having a companion to revel in this diaper play with me. For me, this is very much a fetish - my adult baby tendencies are very light compared to the intense fetish side of all this. As such, it's not so much a dom/sub thing with me, and I don't look for a mommy or daddy, nor am I particularly interested in solely being someones daddy. It's all encompassing - I've been searching for a woman who's love for diapers is as far reaching as my own - someone who is turned on by the mere diapers themselves, who can appreciate the other aspects of ABDL lifestyle but who ultimately knows that it's a fetish for them. I need a woman who will not only diaper me, but let me diaper her. A very mutual relationship, as it is. Like most guys my age, I've tried all sorts of online dating stuff. I've put out ads on craigslist (and answered one once... it turned out to be a guy, ugh), and sites such as this very own. About 2-3 years ago, after my last breakup with my last girlfriend, I sort of re-examined my life and I've come to a bunch of conclusions. This fetish is never going away, you can't defeat it. To anybody who hates themselves over it, who is struggling to put it behind them "forever," you have my eternal sympathy. I've been there, and I am very sorry to say you'll fail at your endevor. For my own mental well being, I decided that my only course of action was to embrace the side of my life to the best extent I could, and try to accept it. I've come to realize that a big portion of my shame came from this feeling that diapers had to be all or nothing - I either had to be all about diapers, or not about them at all. Life isn't nearly as black and white. Moderation is key - I can keep the "normal" parts of my life, along with the diapered parts. I can switch between modes at will. I don't have to choose one life or the other, I can choose both. What I do in private is of my own concern, and nobody elses, save those I choose to share it with. My private life doesn't need validation, I don't need the clerk at the corner store down the street to understand me or to give me her approval. I can still go to sporting events I love, sans diaper and sans embarassment, and come home and put on a diaper when I feel like it. The culmination of all this reflection was a different approach to dating - I wouldn't put out an ad for sex on some diaper site or craigslist or whatever, nor would I date girls who, in all honestly, likely would never understand a diaper fetish. I understood the sort of woman I wanted, so I decided to go after that sort of woman. I put out a feeler ad on a diaper dating website and poured my soul into my profile, much like i'm doing with this post, and waited. A year went by, two years next. I'd get responses from the usual guys, or transgendered people (bless them for the difficult road they travel, but they're just not what I'm looking for). While I've felt peace with myself and who I am, I still felt hollow without a companion. Many times I felt my effort was futile. After a while, I stopped going out of my way to read other people's personal ads, believing they all lead to dead ends. Then, about a week and a half ago, it happened. A woman answered my ad. A woman by birth. She was older than me, but you'd have to be crazy to think that would be a hang up for me. We chatted a bit online - I confirmed to myself that she was real. She was perfect, exactly the sort of person I was looking for. Her appeal to the fetish was vitually identical to my own. With my deepest, darkest secret not only wide out in the open, but completely embraced by this amazing woman, I found newborn confidence. With a boldness I haven't felt in many, many years, I scheduled a date, and she agreed. Last weekend we met up for the first time. And it went great! We both found, thankfully, that we have other things in common beyond diapers. I had a wonderful time, and by the end of the night, we were already discussing plans for our next meeting. Our initial date was public - dinner at a restaurant, sans diapers of course. It was mainly to feel each other out and make sure there weren't any weird hang ups or anything, but she wants to continue and obviously so do I. Our next meeting, which is still unscheduled (mainly because I have a busy weekend coming up) will likely be the sort of meeting I've dreamed about for virtually my whole life. She was very open about her desire to diaper me, and for me to diaper her. We are going to watch some movies, drink out of sippy cups, wet outselves, and play with each other's diapers generally. But, more importantly, we want to keep seeing each other. We've been in contact repeatedly since our initial date - there aren't any signs to be misread. We're both taking it slowly, I'm not nearly ready to consider her a mate or a partner or anything, but we're definitely friends and eager to see if we can become more than friends. We have an agreement to put aside an akwardness we feel, because we both know exactly what we want. It's the reason she messaged me, after all. The reason I put the ad up to begin with. There is no need to tip toe around it. The extent by which this has had my confidence soaring lately cannot be measured. I haven't felt this alive in... ever. It's different, it's not the sort of tingly thrill I'd get when I'd go out with a girl in college, for example. It's very different, very liberating. I feel a lot more open, a lot more complete. Even if this relationship doesn't work, I know it's not futile. It's not impossible. There are women out there looking for me, and this big beautiful internet is here willing to help me find thm. I find myself very optimistic as of late. It's an amazing feeling I wish I could share with everyone who has a diaper fetish, because I know the opposite extreme. I guess, in contrast to the opening of this post where I said I didn't know why I was writing this, that I've figured out why I felt compelled to do so. I need to spread this feeling of hope with all those just like me. Because it's an incredible feeling. It's not love or lust, it's happiness and belonging. I truly hope everybody gets to experience this at least once in their life. It's very validating. Such a long, rambling post needs a good ending to sum it all up, for completeness. I've spent a good 15 minutes now trying to come up with one - there are numerous quotes that can apply. Instead, I'll post a song from a claymation show called Moral Orel that sums up eveyrhing. For those who don't know, Moral Orel is an adult claymation show that ran on cartoon network's late night adult swim block. It initially appears to be nothing more than a couple of cheap jabs at religion, but over the course of 3 seasons, an extremely dark, depressing, and bleak story is told about repression, and shame. In the instance of that particular show, it uses religious intolerance as an analog for all sorts of intolerance, and focuses on a boy who is initially hyper religious. He slowly comes to redefine his religion - not losing it in the process but rather reframing it as not an external outlet, but an internal one, and ultimately finds happiness and peace once he accepts himself. It's an incredible show, one that definitely doesn't get the recognition it deserves and it's incredibly thought provoking. If you ever have the opportunity to watch the show in its entirety, I recommend you do and press on through the seemingly juvenile opening season (it actually isn't as juvenile as it seems when you go back and rewatch it after season 3, and is initially misleading, but is important in framing the distorted mindset of the town). Anywho, enough praise for the show, about the clip itself. It comes from one of the last episodes called "closeface," which is about how the only (self-hating) lesbian in the town is reflecting on her junior high dance. A girl asks her to the dance as a prank and kisses her in the process, and the lesbian pens a song about her called "closeface" because, when you kiss someone, the face you see is distorted. Of course, intolerance rules the day, and once it becomes obvious that the other girl isn't a lesbian but is instead making fun of the lesbian, she spirals into depression, magnified by the social stigma that what she's doing is wrong and evil. The lesbian, now an adult and a social outcast, is friends with the main character, the titular Moral Orel, who wants to go to his junior high dance with a girl he has a crush on, but who is unfortunately a slightly different religion (the main difference being something trivial, like they use red brick on their church instead of brown). He initially decides not to persue his crush, because he's convinced it's "wrong" when the lesbian teaches him about closeface. I don't want to spoil the series for anyone who decides to actually watch it, but it plays a crucial role in the ultimate outcome of the series. A couple of key lines that seem particularly relevant: "There's a dirty girl and she whispers to me... 'close face' I think she thinks that I'm her perfect match cause I'm just her type when we are both attached and when she backs away you are always right there" Thanks for letting me bare my soul. I'll likely drop in a few times in this thread if anybody has any questions or anything.