Something Is Missing

[foundout]

I've been thinking a lot about being a DL and my constant desire to want to be diapered. When I say constant, I mean that I even talk about them in my sleep. I'm sure like most others, I think about diapers all the time. So much so, that I'm scared to have a procedure done that I need that is done under conscious sedation because I'm worried what I might say.

So, I was thinking that I don't feel right when I'm not wearing. Kind of like those people who say that they don't feel like they are (insert gender). I feel like I have a hole in me and and it is only filled when I'm diapered. Does that make sense? Is it possible that the AB/DL thing goes so deep as to compare it to gender identity issues? It's like some part of me is damaged. Instead of undergoing some type of surgery to fix it, I just need to wear a disposable diaper to feel normal. I guess I've always felt this way, too.

[Bettypooh]

While there are similarities between being Gender Dysphoric and being ABDL (or even just DL) there are also differences. Many TG's who need to transition to the other gender but cannot become suicidal, with a fair number of them completing that process While many ABDL's become severely depressed when their path is similarly blocked, far fewer do themselves in over it. In that one can judge the severity between the two, although it is tough to quantify either since so many remain hidden or are not accessible to those doing the counting. Having been deeply involved in the TG community (and still in the periphery), and having studied the ABDL world online for several years, my best guess is that for every ABDL there are about ten TG's. And not all of either can be discovered online directly. As communities go, the TG's began coalescing in larger numbers somewhere around 80 years ago, became more accessible to the average person about 30 years ago, with a huge increase coming with the advent of the internet. As best I can tell, the ABDL world is at best half of those numbers, and maybe even less, although it too got a boost with the internet. I think all have existed since time immemorial.

The roots of both are deep within us and immutable. The levels of need for expression as well as the type of need vary in both from almost none to almost all. Those with adequate motivation can learn to suppress some or all of either, but as far as removing it, that never happens. And with both many also find it's strength varies over time. Yet there are some in whom these needs are always absolute, or nearly so Even with a very strong need, many people find that a partial allowance for it is enough to allow them to adequately deal with whatever is left without having it become manifest in other than the mind. In this group are the majorities. The origins of either are also unknown, though many believe they are inherent from the start, and are enhanced by society through life's experiences. Few are those who believe that all of this is brought about by experience alone, with no part having always been there.

Among both is a small percentage where the need is so large that it becomes a part of their everyday life, and that is where the biggest difference is found. It is relative easy to wear diapers without the general public being aware of this. In the same way, so long as there is no visible expression (babyish clothing for example) it is also possible for most ABDL's to blend in so well that few notice. With TG's and an equal level of need, there is no hiding or blending in. Your situation is easily seen by most people Oddly, at the highest levels of these, the ABDL becomes very visible, almost impossible to not notice, while the TG transitions to blend in with the other gender, often so well that nobody knows except those who they wish to know

There is no direct link in either to sexuality, yet for many that is a large part of it. And in both any variation of that sexuality is also possible. As best I can tell neither group has an inordinate number of what society considers deeper 'perversions' such as rapists, pedophiles, or necrophiliacs than greater society has as a whole does. Insanely, general society does not see this and generally believes the reverse is true Among those in these categories one often finds less sexual inhibition and more tolerance of diversity, especially in those who have best accepted this part of themselves. In no other part of life does any of these needs seem to have a categorical link- we are as diverse in all other ways as society in general is, although there is a generally higher level of education among us than for the rest

I have personal experience as a TG. I lived 2 years openly in my non-biological gender role with the sole exception of my working life. I am still TG though I have since reverted to a life more in line with my birth sex. I am also a DL who has grown to wearing 24/7, and because of a physical need I do not see that ever changing. In both areas I started with little knowledge and a lot of wrong conceptions but evolved into who I am today as I learned and grew and accepted who I am

As to your surgery and fears about what you may say while anesthetized, you can be pretty sure that those within earshot have heard it all or soon will. I know many whose working life has had them in the operating room at these times and they all say that when 'under', people say the wildest things and that even those with known life-long characteristics often exhibit the reverse in their speech at these times. This is because the unconscious mind is unlimited and explores everything it is aware of without inhibition. And in most 'western' nations, it is illegal and/or highly unethical for anyone in the health care system to divulge anything personal about you to the outside world without your express consent

Perhaps my own story will help ease your mind. To see me now you would not believe my past, for I lived much of my life in denial of my true self, trying to be pretty much the opposite of who I really am I talk in my sleep sometimes, and that is a very good indicator that the same will happen under anesthesia. I do know that there was a marked difference in how those who were in the operating room approached me after surgery compared to before it and the only thing which could have brought this about would have been something I said as I was unaware of saying it. In their shoes I think that I too would have been taken aback by hearing a dirty muscular drug-and-alcohol loving biker-type macho man spouting off about wearing girl's undies or acting as a woman or wondering about sex with a guy or (gasp) even wearing diapers, perhaps even liking then best when they are wet I did not ask and they did not say but it was more than obvious afterwards that I had blown their minds while I was under. And now that my life is settled and my self-denial gone, I think I would have gotten a kick out of being there hearing that too If you need surgery just do it. The less worried you are going in the less likely it is that you will say anything at all, good or bad. The unsettled mind seeks release and will find it; the settled mind has much less that it needs to say for it is at peace with itself.

Now set your concerns aside and get your surgery because dead people can't speak at all.

Bettypooh

[diaperpt]

Wow, Bettypooh! I've always had a lot of respect for what you've said, but this is a particularly well written response. You've revealed some things about yourself that I, for one, never would have expected. You've obviously done a lot of soul-searching and given a lot of thought.

Before I ignore the OP, let me say I agree with Bettypooh completely. Don't worry about what you reveal while under. Certainly don't avoid a procedure you should have simply for the concern that those in the room may hear you talk about your desires. The medical personnel are supposed to give you total confidentiality and you should be able to expect that.

Back to the comparison of DL/ABDL and gender dysphoria (I'll use the term Bettypooh used because in my ignorance I do not want to offend anyone). I'm sure there has been research done to a fair extent on gender dysphoria as there has been with homosexuality where there seems to be strong genetic links. Are there those same kinds of links being established to a wide range of gender dysphoria? My guess would be yes, but I don't have anything to back that up.

In the case of DL and ABDL, as much as I'm well into that category, I tend to think that there is no genetic link but rather some sort of psychological link. I'm saying that out of 2 1/2 years of psychotherapy initiated out of being "found out" (my wife found me out and it was either split or see a shrink). Now I'm so glad I was found out and went to the shrink as I understand myself much better. I not only understand where my abdl side comes from but I'm understanding a lot of what has caused me problems throughout my life and I'm working on changing. My marriage is on more solid ground though I have much further to go.

Without dwelling on myself further, I wonder if a large percentage of abdl stems from thoughts, experiences, behaviors that developed from birth and infancy. We've heard so much of that in personal testimony here. That would then be another causal difference between gender dysphoria and abdl, though I wonder also if some gender dysphoria is caused as well from issues developed in infancy. I have some 'sissy' and transvestite tendencies which I attribute also to issues in my infancy and early childhood.

And Bettypooh, since you are more knowledgable and experienced, would you comment on these thoughts? You spoke of one's ability to blend in as TG, AB, DL etc. Even if 'found out', it seems that none of these are at a level of general acceptance and in fact each finds a fairly high level of rejection from most others. There is a difference however, between acceptance of the concept as opposed to acceptance of a personal acquaintance, family member or friend. Yes, there are many who would not make any differentiation - I am a personal of faith and practice my religion, but I'm also confident that the religious right would call us all sick, sinful and perverted.

For most others, I suspect that knowing an individual would make a lot of difference. I am confident also there is a whole spectrum of acceptance in this as well, but I wonder if a DL with any kind of physical need (me also, Bettypooh) will tend to be fairly well accepted. With no experience, I'm not sure about TG, etc, but suspect that with relatively understanding public exposure through tv, etc we are making progress in the general acceptance of this group. AB, however, despite individual anecdotal evidence from people we know on this site, is NOT nor will it be soon acceptable. Is this because of my own anecdotal evidence coupled with that of a good friend of mine? Or is it widespread.

The issue for me, more than how easily it is for any of us to blend in, but to be accepted for who we are. You've spoken to all of this above and I suppose my ramblings are simply me wording it in my own terms. If so, I apologize to those who read this, but I'll leave it as it has helped me clarify my own thoughts.

foundout, I hope also that all this discussion isn't too far from your question to be of some help.

[babylin]

foundout

So I take it you have not been found out? You must be coping with your diaper need somewhat successfully. Your fear is what is keeping you from being happier. As Bettypooh says, nobody notices or cares.

So start small. Just put a diaper in your underpants. You do not have to use it, but by just being there the diaper may help you to relax more. Proceed slowly.

I've frequently worn diapers to the dentist's to help me relax. but have never worn while under general anesthesia. Your mind won't betray you.

I'm a lifelong DL, married 30+ years, and still deep in the closet. I've found happiness is self-acceptance. You can too.

Best wishes! pm me if you like.

Happiness Is Wearing Cotton Diapers

[babyleanna75]

I sugest wearing a diaper 24-7

[Baby Brian]

Being under anesthesia during surgery is different than sleeping. When they put you under you're sooo deep you don't dream, don't achieve rem sleep, and actually may not even breathe! When you're under they insert a breathing apparatus down you throat (which is why so many people have a sore throat after surgery), so don't worry about saying something you may regret. You have other things to worry about. Hope this helps (fyi- I've been under 3-4 dozen times now, it's not a bad as you may think it is)

[Baby Brian]

Oh, I also forgot to mention I always show up diapered since I'm urge incontinent. In fact I just had a colonoscopy this morning and was diapered right up to the "surgery" (scoping only- no cutting), when the attending helped me remove it- no remarks or condescending of any kind.

[curiositykilledthecat]

Who knows what I rambled off about while sedated during my colonscopy.(Thankfully the sedatives kicked in by the time the lower half started.) Medical professionals know that the sedatives make people do weird things so even something that is a deep seated truth is not going to come across them as anything other than medicated ramblings..

Oh and on a lighter side, right as the camera was being inserted where the sun don't shine my last words were "OUCH!" then I woke up in the recovery room.

[foundout]

Thank you, Bettypooh for you response and for sharing so much of yourself with us.

As for my username, I chose this after my wife discovered that I was having an affair with a female DL. I had been found out. I created the account to have DD close the other account so I could try to hide from the other woman. I had shared too much of myself and my wife didn't feel safe until I closed all of my accounts and changed my phone number. As I stated in another thread, that was the worst thing that I have done and I truly regret ever doing it. I'm thankful for my wife not kicking me to the curb.

For the procedure, I need to have a upper endoscopy, which, like a colonoscopy, is done under conscious sedation. That means that you aren't nearly as deep as you would be under general anesthesia. I have had them before and have worried about them. My problem now is that I work directly with the people who would be doing the procedure. While I trust them that they will not break HIPAA, I'm worried it might get awkward if I talk about liking to wear diapers.

[curiositykilledthecat]

Dude relax, Ihad both done back in February. you'll stay awake during the upper endoscopy but if you're lucky you'll pass out as soon as that camera gets rammed up your rear. My only caution is your throat and ass will hurt like hell for about a week afterwards. also plan on using a personal day the day of and after. Preferably use one the day before as the liquid they give you is brutal. Don't worry about saying anything, the first half you will have a camera in your throat and you'll be too cocked to be coherent by the time they get to the second part.

[babyleanna75]

They can't ask you why yoy wear diapers. And even if you told them it is under confidentuality they can tell no one. If they talk about you or anything you say they can lose their jobs and be sued. Besides people say weird shit while under none of it is beleived because its a bunch of nonse.