Barrelling Downhill Again

[ForbiddenFruit]

Last few days have been rough, and today we've moved to our smaller house further up in the country. I know it's the definition of 'first world problems' to say "I don't like our second home" but here...it just doesn't hold anything for me any more. The constant sound, be it a radio, rain, or that damned donkey, I can't focus on anything.

I can't really keep myself focused on much at all. I'm likely to stop doing anything except play Skyrim after twenty minutes. Reading, writing, looking for a place to stay in September, nothing...nothing excites. Nothing entices. Nothing inspires. Nothing scares in the way that I enjoy.

I find that I'm barrelling between two minds throughout each day. One moment I feel like my ideas can change the world, like I can really do something like make this forlorn little rock a better place to live or do some wacky road trip. Other times I just sit or lie there and weep.

I'm scared, damn it. After so many years, know what I realise? Ignorance is bliss. I was a lot happier before I got into politics, because now I know how filthy human nature is and how hard it is for minorities. Every day, I'm reminded of crap like a Church that wants to talk about the Sanctity of Marriage when its most important role in history was giving Henry VIII divorces.

I can't go a day without thinking of Fred Fucking Phelps and those unhinged lunatics at Westboro Baptist Church (and don't give me that "They're too extreme" tripe, take out the soldier bashing and it looks a lot like mainstream Religious Right). Soundbytes by living, breathing hate crimes (tax-exempt ones at that) run through my head, and people yell "It's a choice! You're the reason for natural disasters! You're dooming us all!" Today I walked the dog in the rain. I spent the entire time thinking of the things I'd do to Phelps' family. Sometimes this fear is so damn awful that I worry about my future, the very idea of being out and any sort of vocal or public figure makes me fear for my life. I don't feel safe. But what else can you expect from a world where 'democracy' now means "My ignorance is just as good as your knowledge"?

I thought that I'd feel better for coming out. But guess what, fuck nothing changed. The world's still a horrid, ugly place, coming out didn't give any braindead fucking fundies fatal heart attacks, any non-straight sex is outlawed in places, and you can still be taken seriously as a candidate for POTUS just by admitting you hear voices in your head. Now that I'm out it just shows me that the real problems still damn exist.

It's like all I did was pass that sign that says "Welcome to Fagville, Population: People in Power, and You. P.S. Everybody else hates you for no good reason and no, It Doesn't Get Better."

I thought I could be something. I used to be glad knowing that I'd examined some things in my life and discarded some that rotted in the face of enlightenment and had enough guts to face up to some things about myself that I can't change. End result, though, is that I'm just more painfully aware of people living unexamined lives, going by unexamined doctrines, keeping everyone else down.

Every time I yell at the world, I look back and realise I'm being irrational. Maybe it's because I'm human. Maybe the fact that looking at the world makes me sick to my stomach is because I'm human too. I can't help but shake this off though. This constant rocketing back and forth between having a go-getter attitude to these grand aspirations and crying into a pillow, afraid to go outside in a world that doesn't think people like me are people.

[Diapered Jason]

Well, I think you already realized you have two choices. You can accept the world for what it is or you cannot. The trouble with ignorance is eventually the bad shit comes knocking at your door regardless of what you do, especially with politics. As Ralph says, if you are not turned onto to politics, politics will turn on you. If you decide not to accept the world for what it is, I think you are doing yourself a favor, but at the same time, you will always have to be ready to stand up for yourself. The only thing I can tell you is positions built on philosophies of enmity are inherently weak whereas positions built on mutual rewards are inherently strong. Empathy is of course important in properly positioning oneself for victory.

Also, you may find some solace in a place that is disconnected from the rest of the world when you need to take a break. I here Connemara is very beautiful.

[Bettypooh]

Welcome to a life of the different soul So we're not 'normal'- I fail to see that it matters much. I just go on from day to day and let life go wherever it goes. There's nothing outside you in coming out so much as there is inside you, and that is why it matters Now you are free to be yourself; that's worth something. But only if you live life- stay at home and all you get is what's at home I'm a homebody but even I have to get out sometimes, especially when I'm feeling down and don't want to I don't know why it works; only that it does. So go do something outside- even if it's only grocery shopping. It sure beats the monotony of the same old same old! Or redecorate- I just painted my living room and the new look makes me feel a lot better just being here Thing is that you need to be active when depression hits- that physical activity and some social interaction will go a long way to making you feel better, then you've got a chance to beat the episode of depression

Bettypooh

[ForbiddenFruit]

I guess so...least I haven't had any more of those instances where I don't see the sun for a whole week.

It just feels so insurmountable. Trying to restore some feeling of a rhythm to my day, trying to put in x hours of 'do this thing on a regular basis to get a work ethic back' per day, with little success, all the while trying to find some place to live come September. Looks like I'll be getting a shared apartment again, but at least it's better than last year's.

It's feeling like a constant weight on my chest, an inability to focus, but at least I'll be back at a different place tomorrow where I have some more personal space and silence. I've tried walking, but...honestly? When you spend your life living in buttfuck nowhere, going to another buttfuck nowhere loses its appeal a bit. The fact I fear eventually losing the use of my legs isn't much help. Maybe the other place will help stabilize me for a bit longer.

...Bluntly, on the one hand I need to go back to uni to be with some more supportive people and to feel like I'm being challenged, stimulated, utilised. On the other, I'm not really prepared to hit the swing of work again. Uck, uck, uck, I'll just have to tough it out :/

Many thanks for your support. <3

[WakkoWannaBe]

I think that I may be missing some pieces to the equation, but I hear just a pinch of myself in your post.

Last week or so I was kind tryin to push myself to do some reading, trying to get myself to do some reading to keep up my work ethic, and when I'm stressed out like that I also can't focus on anything form more than half an hour.

Color me one of the ignorant folks, but I think that if you react to something, either emotionally or mentally, then you're giving it a certain power. At the very least you're acknowledge its power. You don't have to guage your self worth based on the events over which you have no control. Just do what you do, and if you do it well enough then it won't be hard to find oppurtunity.