New To All Of This!

[KitsaP83]

Hello everyone! I wanted to come on this forum because while I am fairly new to this lifestyle, my husband is not, and I must say that we are (rather, I am) having an adjustment phase as we try to integrate this lifestyle into our lives.

A little back story on us - we've been together for around 6 years, married for three and a half of those. I knew he was really into the more mainstream aspects of BDSM but really wasn't aware that the ABDL side of it was so prominent until we had been married for at least a year. I am super, super vanilla but have told him that I am willing to at least try some of the things he is into. A part of me is frustrated about the ABDL part of our sex life, and I sometime get angry thoughts in my head towards the situation. Like I feel sometimes that I didn't sign on for this, that I want real babies not an adult one, that I don't see us doing "normal" adult things as long as we have this hanging over us constantly, like every time we have sex I know in the back of my mind he wants to do it and sometimes I just can't, etc etc.

But then I have to check myself because in spite of any frustration I feel about it, he was terrified to tell me and sometimes hates this part of himself. I go on message boards for ABDL and see how lonely people are and how they are searching for a partner and are afraid they will always be alone, and I feel so lucky that he has chosen me and that he trusts me enough to know about this part of him. So I try hard not to judge him about it. He is a wonderful man and I feel like I love him as the person I married more than him as the ABDL.

I try not to act weird around him because he already beats himself up about it enough without me making him feel guilty about it, but there are sometimes where I feel like we need to take it super slow because I am having problems adjusting or not feeling weird about it. Every time we integrate a new part of the ABDL lifestyle into our sex life a tiny part of me inside recoils, and while I love my husband dearly I am having so much trouble being turned on by this.

I am torn between being a participant because I know it turns him on (which does turn me on) and makes him feel safe, and feeling irritated because sometimes I just want him to take care of me, not the other way around. I think the problem also comes about because I am a more submissive person in bed and when he wants to be submissive I just have no idea what to do with him. I've tried verbalizing some of these things (not all) to him in the kindest way I can because I want to be his support system and he is the love of my life, but I went looking for support online because I need some other perspectives from people who are in this lifestyle too.

The last thing I want to do is shame him or hurt him because I know in the back of his mind he is constantly feeling guilty like he's forcing this on me. I think the main problem is that I really do want to help him explore this side of himself so he is comfortable with who he is, but I don't know how to be supportive. Especially when my own self-conscious negativity gets in the way.

Thanks so much everyone for reading all of this, whew!! Any suggestions are appreciated

[Bettypooh]

....But then I have to check myself because in spite of any frustration I feel about it, he was terrified to tell me and sometimes hates this part of himself. I go on message boards for ABDL and see how lonely people are and how they are searching for a partner and are afraid they will always be alone, and I feel so lucky that he has chosen me and that he trusts me enough to know about this part of him. So I try hard not to judge him about it. He is a wonderful man and I feel like I love him as the person I married more than him as the ABDL.

I try not to act weird around him because he already beats himself up about it enough without me making him feel guilty about it, but there are sometimes where I feel like we need to take it super slow because I am having problems adjusting or not feeling weird about it. Every time we integrate a new part of the ABDL lifestyle into our sex life a tiny part of me inside recoils, and while I love my husband dearly I am having so much trouble being turned on by this.

I am torn between being a participant because I know it turns him on (which does turn me on) and makes him feel safe, and feeling irritated because sometimes I just want him to take care of me, not the other way around. I think the problem also comes about because I am a more submissive person in bed and when he wants to be submissive I just have no idea what to do with him. I've tried verbalizing some of these things (not all) to him in the kindest way I can because I want to be his support system and he is the love of my life, but I went looking for support online because I need some other perspectives from people who are in this lifestyle too....

First let me say hello and welcome I hope you can find what you seek here. I chose to quote only part of what you said because this seems to be what matters most. You are doing the right things for the right reasons, but maybe you don't quite get that we're humams, not machines, and that we all have times when we do not want to do what we normally do. I'm TG and the submissive type too- I just cannot get it right being the leader in the bedroom but when my partner needs that I try to accomodate them. I'm not at all comfortable doing that, but they mean so much to me that I put my feelings aside for them once in awhile- they deserve this for putting up with me and my foibles. I've lived both the male and female life and I know that nearly every guy sometimes needs to have someone else take care of them for a change, just as almost all girls will sometimes want to lead their guy where they want to go instead. All of us have both parts in us to varying degrees.

More directly to the AB thing, seeking a workable middle-ground is what will likely bring you both the most happiness overall. There has to be room for both of you in the relationship even if some things can't be resolved. Some can be happy with the spouse simply knowing and allowing them to do what they need independently while some need their spouse's direct interaction. Most of us don't really know where this is going to take us until it happens in our life. That can be scary for even the boldest of us. I wish I knew where life was going to take me but I really don't have a clue about a lot of it- the best I can do is to keep my mind open to the possibilities. I do know this much- realtionships need to balance out; the giving and taking must be close to equal all around or things will not work out in the end.

Please realize that this is something in us that we cannot stop- most of us have tried and failed. It is indeed very unusual but that in itself doesn't make it bad. In fact it can create a stronger bond when the need becomes fulfilled among one you love, but most of us realize that it isn't something everyone can deal with- all we can do is hope that we will find that person. That he has revealed such a deep secret to you says volumes about how he feels about you. That depth alone is a rarity in most relationships. That you are trying to deal with this speaks volumes about your feelings for him- many would just run away but yiou haven't. I see hope here- the possibility that some middle ground will be found where both of you will be happier for this even if that takes some effort. Nothing worth having comes easily, and nothing that comes easily lasts long. May your efforts be rewarded and returned with love eternal- I think they will.

Bettypooh

[NewMommy2]

KitsaP83,

Bettypooh has some very good points. And the most important thing Bettypooh said was "balance". I too am new to this community but I am learning a lot. The best thing is that you are trying to understand and not be judgmental. This is something that will NEVER go away. This lifestyle is part of who your husband is and will always be. If you think he will grow out of it, or if he says he will, all he will do is go back to hiding it from you. I never had or wanted 'real' kids, but still have the nurturing bone in me, so I guess that is what is helping me.

But you really, really need to tell him completely how you feel. If you are uncomfortable with something, he needs to know. And he should also respect that. If you need him to be a "big boy" so you guys can go out to dinner or to have sex, he needs to balance your needs with his. You should not have to give, give, give all the time without receiving just as much. But how is he going to know unless you tell him everything.

One last thing, and I will get off my soap box, since this is all new to you, he really needs to ease you into the whole lifestyle. One step at a time. Not just make you jump in head first blindfolded and expect you to accept everything. If you ask, he will always tell you what he wants and how he likes it done, but you need to be telling him the same.