KitsaP83

Hello everyone! I wanted to come on this forum because while I am fairly new to this lifestyle, my husband is not, and I must say that we are (rather, I am) having an adjustment phase as we try to integrate this lifestyle into our lives. A little back story on us - we've been together for around 6 years, married for three and a half of those. I knew he was really into the more mainstream aspects of BDSM but really wasn't aware that the ABDL side of it was so prominent until we had been married for at least a year. I am super, super vanilla but have told him that I am willing to at least try some of the things he is into. A part of me is frustrated about the ABDL part of our sex life, and I sometime get angry thoughts in my head towards the situation. Like I feel sometimes that I didn't sign on for this, that I want real babies not an adult one, that I don't see us doing "normal" adult things as long as we have this hanging over us constantly, like every time we have sex I know in the back of my mind he wants to do it and sometimes I just can't, etc etc. But then I have to check myself because in spite of any frustration I feel about it, he was terrified to tell me and sometimes hates this part of himself. I go on message boards for ABDL and see how lonely people are and how they are searching for a partner and are afraid they will always be alone, and I feel so lucky that he has chosen me and that he trusts me enough to know about this part of him. So I try hard not to judge him about it. He is a wonderful man and I feel like I love him as the person I married more than him as the ABDL. I try not to act weird around him because he already beats himself up about it enough without me making him feel guilty about it, but there are sometimes where I feel like we need to take it super slow because I am having problems adjusting or not feeling weird about it. Every time we integrate a new part of the ABDL lifestyle into our sex life a tiny part of me inside recoils, and while I love my husband dearly I am having so much trouble being turned on by this. I am torn between being a participant because I know it turns him on (which does turn me on) and makes him feel safe, and feeling irritated because sometimes I just want him to take care of me, not the other way around. I think the problem also comes about because I am a more submissive person in bed and when he wants to be submissive I just have no idea what to do with him. I've tried verbalizing some of these things (not all) to him in the kindest way I can because I want to be his support system and he is the love of my life, but I went looking for support online because I need some other perspectives from people who are in this lifestyle too. The last thing I want to do is shame him or hurt him because I know in the back of his mind he is constantly feeling guilty like he's forcing this on me. I think the main problem is that I really do want to help him explore this side of himself so he is comfortable with who he is, but I don't know how to be supportive. Especially when my own self-conscious negativity gets in the way. Thanks so much everyone for reading all of this, whew!! Any suggestions are appreciated