Work, Putting My Neck Out Too Much, And My Sexuality Are All Hurting Me

[ForbiddenFruit]

I've been in University for about 2 and a half months now, and it's starting to pick up work-wise. Yes, yes, I know, first year, first semester in particular, is more about survival than doing well academically but I haven't gripped the bull by the horns as much as I should have yet. It went great at first, I was hitting everything on time. but now I'm missing a lecture a week if not more. I don't want to miss lectures, it just happens. I have to shoehorn my laundry in, I have unmissable work to do for the newspaper, I want to play catchup on stuff I missed or go to the library...or sometimes I just feel bad about myself and can't go.

The exams are on the horizon and I have two essays to do (planned both but officially started neither, one due the 29th, the other the 5th.) The last essay I did the night before it was due in and due to distractions a 2 hour essay took 7 hours total. I won't make the same mistake again and really hammer away at these ones, but I've had them for a while without properly acting on them.

Sure, I guess I have enough time to soak up good habits and pull up my socks in time for semester 2 and onwards, but I'm afraid that I might have bitten off more than I can chew in coming here. I wanted this so much. I could hardly believe I've managed to get here. It's hardly likely that I will fail to advance (I can get pretty good marks with fuck-all study, but I want to try my best as I should) but I'll be damned if I'm to fall now. I'm even getting to the point where I don't care, as long as I pass English and Classics so I can just advance and continue with my Creative Writing and work for the newspaper, not caring if I fail Philosophy. For all my talk of ambition, I still wander a self-made purgatory.

I still find that I'm also making my life too much about other people. If I talk to someone who's upset, I'll try to help them but I never seem to realise at the time I don't have the ability to do so. There's only so much I can do over the net and I don't seem to know when it's best to just move on. When it came to exams and work, I was more concerned about disappointing my tutors, who taught between 60 and several hundred students, than myself. It's like I can't see the big, practical picture. When I was back in high school my counsellor / English teacher spoke to me, and I said that I didn't want to disappoint her or the principal or my parents - I never thought about myself. She told me I need to realise I'm here to live my life, and now I'm still living my life for other people a bit too much. What about what I want? Then, I worked for my teachers. Now, I work for my newspaper's editor, even doing crap like surveys just for some brownie points.

But one of the biggest things getting me down is the issue of my sexuality. I don't have a label, it's a spectrum, and I'm fine with that...but the thing is I have desires that don't work in practice but I still crave more, even though I have fallen for a girl here (and I don't believe it will work). I don't know if it's that I'm just not comfortable with my curiosity towards males or if I really am not that attracted enough to have a serious relationship with one - but even then, I still get lusty desires, I still roleplay male / male sometimes, I still hunt for images, I still express my tendencies sometimes casually and optimistically like on my profile page, I still seek perspective from others. I just don't know what it is with me. Is it the stigma others would perceive, is it just that I'm insecure or uncomfortable, or is it that I'm just 'not bi enough'? I want to be able to love freely without any 'guilt' or 'shame' or regrets or at least get rid of some of my desires that I know I won't be able to satisfy no matter what path I take.

I feel a bit better for venting but fuck me, I wanted my life to be different here. It looks like I'm just taking the scenic route to the way I was before. And I do not want to be that bitter little shit from 2-3 years ago.

[Diapered Jason]

Do what you desire. Life is just too short to push it away.

As far as knowing what those desires are, I am afraid I can not help you.

[Elfy]

I know precisely what you mean about putting others before yourself.

I've been the same for years, when I'm unwell or just not up to doing anything with my friends I will still go to theirs only to want to leave immediately. I have a feeling I know why, and its somthing that happened in my childhood which I can't really share. But its left me wanting to always hide away in the shadows and at the same time keep everyone around me happy even at the cost of myself.

It's something that frustrates me too since I seem to spend so much of my life running around helping others that I lose out in the process, but if none of my friends want to do something I feel lost and have no idea how to react to that situation.

I think its to do with self esteem, I have quite low self esteem and few friends so the ones I have I seem to go above and beyond the call of duty to help/visit or whatever they wish. Yours seems to be more to do with pleasing those with more power than you, maybe its an attempt to gain praise and validation from them?

As for ambition, I don't think everyone can have the drive to succeed at the highest level. I got an A* at History for my GCSE but by the time I got finished with Uni I had scraped a 2:2 in the same subject and it was all because I lost my drive to work somewhere in the middle. I'm about to start a job working at the same place as my Dad as a trainee electrician and whilst the pay isn't going to ever make me a millionaire, I will be on a wage quite a bit higher than minimum wage and it will give me the opportunity to earn, fairly securely, in the future... My point is, not everyone is going to fly a rocket or cure science, I'm not suggesting you can't do those things but I think its important to remember that life isn't aleways about how much you make but how happy you are. Basically, maybe you need to just take some pressure off! Remember that you are doing this course for you and not others (easier said than done).

As for sexuality, this is one I know first hand.

I agree with you that sexuality is a spectrum and that we can fall anywhere along it. My question is have you ever tried anything with a man? I was bicurious for a long time and it wasn't until I found my partner that I could act on those feelings and know one way or the other whether I could live with a man, I can, you may find if you tried it that it is best left as a fantasy or forgotten about.

Just know you aren't alone, I've had (and do have) all these fears too and I'm sure plenty of people at your Uni have experienced the fears as well.

I hope I haven't rambled too much!

[Diapered Jason]

You must pursue your studies with zeal. It is the only way to achieve better grades, and prevent your grades that were once 4.0s from slipping below 3.0, because it only gets more difficult.

One thing that will come to you as a comfort is your ability to study will get better. The time it takes for you to read and interpret a textbook will become less. It will all feel less overwhelming as time goes on.

[Bettypooh]

Agreed. The main thing you have to learn is focus- not letting anyone or anything deter you from pursuing your goal and not lowering your goals to make that job easier. Only when you've exhausted all means should you reconsider- until then you must give all you've got, willingly or otherwise. I have several old friends (acquaintances really) that went to college together to become engineers. One didn't party, burned the midnight oil studying, and torturously clawed his way through the required math courses even though that was his worst subject. Of all of them, he got that degree and is now fairly wealthy, very happy, and has all the time he wants to pursue his other dreams. The others are doing OK at best with degrees that are about worthless, have to work daily, and have dreams they will never have the money to fulfill. These guys had a great time in college but other than the experience bringing them together they wasted that time and have paid for that error for the rest of their lives and are still paying. Life is what you make of it and it's a lot easier to make it good starting when you're young. Money isn't the most important thing in the world but it sure as heck makes everything else go a lot easier!

Bettypooh