Coming Out Of The "Closet"

[Billiardnut]

I am a white, 38 year old male, dad of 2 and divorced in 2009. I am heterosexual, never had a thought of homo or bisexuality.

Far as long as I can remember I have had a thing for diapers. I remember when I was very young, probably 7 or so, possibly younger. Of finding a stash of diapers that was ment for me to wear at night when I wet the bed (which I did until 6 or 7ish) I remember loving the feeling of trying on and having a diaper on.

Probably between 11 - 13 years old, I discovered panties for the first time. They were my cousin who, without me knowing at the time, would be my "supplier" (via theft) of panties for many years. I simply loved to wear panties, gradually I experimented with dresses, bras, pantyhose, leotards, etc,etc virtually everything a woman wore, so did I. Of course all of this was "in the closet" and a heavily guarded personal secret even to today.

Throughout the years my stash has been discovered by my parents, girlfriends and (ex) wife. In my late teens or early 20s my desire for diapers continued and finally, I ordered my first adult diaper. I tried it on and I was completely lost and frankly, in love with them. Well, since then I have worn cloth & mostly disposable diapers, plastic pants, until ... well now. My ex-wife found my diaper stash many times, honestly she despised me for wearing them and was disgusted at the thought of me wearing one.

I tried, tried, tried and tried to explain to her. Unfortunately along with all the "tries" were several lies that I would tell her that I had quit - when in reality I never did - just simply hid them in a different place. Well, in 2009 she said she had enough and she filed for divorce. Because of the diapers? She says yes along with my "mind games" To be honest I dont think she ever really wanted to be married. She never really was in love, and it was just something, at the time seemed like the thing to do. She asked for an annulment the week after our honeymoon (before finding any of my stashes) I think from that point forward - there was always a little bit of question and possibly resentment from me about her question that night.

So now, I am single, diapered most of the time and honestly, happier than ever. I wear diapers to work and out in public, I am very discrete about it, I don't make a bit deal out of them. Am I freak? Am I gay? I have a girlfriend that knows about my diapers - never has seen me in one. But she is completely OK with it.

So what is the big deal about diapers? Why do I feel like I am completely alone in this world? I don't do any illegal drugs, I dont party, bar hop, or for that matter - I drink a beer possibly 2 times a year. So what is it with me with women's clothes and diapers? I love sex with a woman - never have wanted to try it with a man - never will.

Are you the same as I am? Do you have the same desires? Man or woman - I would really like to have an intelligent conversation with some people about this addiction / lifestyle.

Thanks

[sarah_ab]

So now, I am single, diapered most of the time and honestly, happier than ever. I wear diapers to work and out in public, I am very discrete about it, I don't make a bit deal out of them. Am I freak? Am I gay? I have a girlfriend that knows about my diapers - never has seen me in one. But she is completely OK with it.

So what is the big deal about diapers? Why do I feel like I am completely alone in this world? I don't do any illegal drugs, I dont party, bar hop, or for that matter - I drink a beer possibly 2 times a year. So what is it with me with women's clothes and diapers? I love sex with a woman - never have wanted to try it with a man - never will.

Are you the same as I am? Do you have the same desires? Man or woman - I would really like to have an intelligent conversation with some people about this addiction / lifestyle.

Thanks

1. You are no more a freak than any other person on this planet (of course not counting serial killers and chimos, they ARE freaks)

2. Do males make you sexually arouse? do you look at a male and have fantasies of being with them? are you attracted to the male gender? this would make you gay. wearing diapers, does not make you gay.

3. no big deal about diapers. Some people find diapers arousing, others find acting like a pony arousing, other find having sex in public arousing, still others find being tied up and whipped arousing... to each his own...

4. I can't answer why you feel completely alone, you have been a member on this site since 05 so you know you are not alone.

5. While many people may have theories as to why you enjoy women's clothing and diapers, no one has the answer. Ask youself the same thing about your favourite food, or tv show, why do you like them? not WHAT you like about them, but WHY you like those things.... you can't, so perhaps do what some of us here do, forget wasting all that time wondering why, and spend that time just enjoying!!!

I personally don't find this an addiction OR a lifestyle.... its just a fetish.. something i enjoy doing with my boyfriend to get off.. its fun, its enticing, and its HOT!!! Now that doesn't mean it can't become an addiction to someone.... especially when you let your desire for diapers or women's clothing take over your life. When this desire interferes with your ability to work, to have a social life, to have a personal life etc... etc... etc...

[Billiardnut]

Yes I have been a member here for a while, I know I am not alone in that sense. Honestly, I am not sure what the hell I meant by saying "alone" Its just sometimes all this just gets to me you know? I dont feel guilty about any of it - it is just a burning question / status for me (being "alone"). I really cant explain why. Possibly because I have been so secretive about everything for so long?

As I told my ex once. I think of diapers all the time, I envy those (not getting paid) who post pictures not because of their voyeurism and guts to simply do it. But because they are open about their fetish. In a way (I think I have posted about this before) one of the reasons why I enjoy looking at pictures of women in diapers is 1) women are freakin sexy as hell in a diaper but 2) (I honestly think mostly )because that person is open about it. They (obviously) are not hiding the fact and I think I envy their openness and kind of jealous that I don't have the same type of personality or freedom in my life. Does that make any sense?

Everybody here seems to be open about it - I guess this is my first time just coming out and telling my story. I have never told anybody except my ex, who either didnt care, didnt listen or both ... because she never really seemed to understand me.

[sarah_ab]

i'm open about being an ab, on and abdl site .... but i don't feel any need to go around broadcasting to the world my sexual fetish's be it my roleplaying as an ab, or getting off being tied up and verbally humiliated.

Don't get me wrong, its one thing to be able to share with an intimate partner, but remember, not everyone who is 'open' on this website is just as 'open' in their everday life, and there is nothing wrong with that. Its perfectly normal to have a private life that you do not advertise to the world. Its ok to have secret likes and desires that no one else knows about.

i do understand what you are saying, but remember, telling other people is not going to help you feel any more comfortable with yourself or your fetish. No matter how many people accept your likes and dislikes, self acceptance can only come from the self.

[curiositykilledthecat]

hobby, lifestyle, addicition, it's all how you look at it

[dpfrichard]

I am almost like you, also 38 white male with kids, who loves diapers and women's clothing and yes my wife knows about my diaper fetish but she is also disgusted by it and always wants me to quit. This is also the cause of most of my depression -- can't talk to her about it at all and I have to hide my feelings towards my fetish from her. As I said before on another post, I have to be here till the kids are out of the house (another 15 years to go) and then I am done with this world since I fulfilled my responsibility -- maybe walking into the back country in the middle of winter, or "ice fishing" on thin ice...

[Letluvsrool]

I am almost like you, also 38 white male with kids, who loves diapers and women's clothing and yes my wife knows about my diaper fetish but she is also disgusted by it and always wants me to quit. This is also the cause of most of my depression -- can't talk to her about it at all and I have to hide my feelings towards my fetish from her. As I said before on another post, I have to be here till the kids are out of the house (another 15 years to go) and then I am done with this world since I fulfilled my responsibility -- maybe walking into the back country in the middle of winter, or "ice fishing" on thin ice...

That's a really terrible attitude to have thinking once your kids are 18 that you're done with them. Children are a lifetime commitment dude. Even when they're grown they still need parents in their life once in a while, even if it's just for advice or the occasional hello.

[Guest NaughtyAshes]

I am heterosexual, never had a thought of homo or bisexuality.

Am I gay?

I love sex with a woman - never have wanted to try it with a man - never will.

Me thinks he doth protest too much!

[dpfrichard]

That's a really terrible attitude to have thinking once your kids are 18 that you're done with them. Children are a lifetime commitment dude. Even when they're grown they still need parents in their life once in a while, even if it's just for advice or the occasional hello.

I will make sure that the youngest one went through at least one year of college before doing it. At 18 they are still not yet ready for the world. I figure that at 20 they are good to go and let's face it, how many times do most kids call home or stop by after hitting 20 or so. Even at 20 they will never listen to any advice you will give them...

[Guest littlesissy]

I will make sure that the youngest one went through at least one year of college before doing it. At 18 they are still not yet ready for the world. I figure that at 20 they are good to go and let's face it, how many times do most kids call home or stop by after hitting 20 or so. Even at 20 they will never listen to any advice you will give them...

You would be terribly ashamed if your children ever saw this post. Its one thing to have kinks, if your children found out about them I suspect that they would see past them if you're a good father. However, I don't think most children would ever understand how you could see them as a burden or an obligation to fulfill. You should really consider what is important in life...

[mike indiapers]

My adult life in diapers is very similar with my wife being very disgusted and turned off by my feelings toward wanting to wear diapers. I confessed my desires for diapers early in our relationship and she told me that the image of me in diapers would be too much for her. She wanted a strong protective sexy man as opposed to a diapered toddler as a husband. I can completely respect her feelings and kept the diapers out of our marriage. She knows I still have strong feelings and needs to wear my diapers in private, but we do not discuss it. Part of me would love it if I could share my diapers with her, but another part of me knows that it would turn our relationship in a direction I am not sure we want. It is a dilemma that I live with knowing that my feelings and needs for both diapers and my wife are strong but cannot co-exist. I have such strong feelings to want to share this part of me in an intimate manner. I have suppressed my needs for a mommy/toddler relationship, but still find an outlet for my ABDL needs by wearing diapers as often as I can alone. I live in two worlds that would be great to merge as one, but it is what it is.

[KrisNdiapers]

I think most of us can relate to these feelings, and the reason why I and many others may feel alone is from the rejection we get from our significant others. Also this is the first that any of us have spoken much about our feelings on this subject. I know, I personally dont want to come off being too sensitive sometimes.

[toon]

Polonius said "to thine own self be true". To denie yourself something you need, as apart of who you are is the biggest crime you can make unto yourself. To deny others needs because of your own is a crime of selfishness. There is a balance one must observe. As a parent your needs no longer matter though. Their well being emotionally and physically outweighs this need. To resent them for it in my opinion is unfair and selfish.

Children never outgrow the need for their parents. Your weak arguement of such is unhealthy and irrelevant. I think you may need to really search within yourself not only why you feel suicide is a viable option, but also why you choose to resent your children for something that isnt your fault.

You made a mistake not telling your wife before getting married about your needs...or you did...she disapproved and so you hid it. As a married couple you are a team. Personal needs of each individual should be communicated and if need be a compremise must be observed. It is unfair and also unhealthy for either individual to deny the other of personal needs and/or their own pursuit of happiness.

perhaps you should seek help from a psychiatrist. Whether it be as a couple or just yourself, but suicide is never a viable option....as it hurts everyone else around you.

[toon]

*that isnt THEIR fault. lol Posting from my phone...argh!!!

[Jen Harris]

I'm in my 20s and not yet married but I can relate to a lot of this.

Of course when I was in my teens I used to wonder, if I was not even gay, nor straight, but just "diaper" oriented. That was before I realized women aroused me; and before I realized the same about their clothes.

Granted as time went on and I got more accepting I did more things. I consider myself straight, but sometimes I do like to play the female role with a boy. The arousal comes from the role and it's something I can only really do online - I'm not physically attracted to men at all. That puts me a step past you in gay-ness, since I've cybered with boys. But who cares? I don't.

My current gf knows. She loves to dress me up in girl clothes and play with me. But she has about the opinion your wife did. I never have promised to quit because I know I won't. She tolerates it but never wants to see it, and if she finds evidence or my stash, she is upset for several days.

I don't know how to get her past it. I don't ask that she get "in to" it as well - but more like, accept it for what it is. A kink. Or think of diapers as... just diapers. An easy way to avoid public restrooms if nothing else, or to make sure you don't have to leave a movie at the best part.

I worry sometimes I'll be in your situation 10, 20 years down the road - where she wants a divorce shortly after the honeymoon, and is always.. unsatisfied with diapers, and maybe with me. Granted we're not even married yet, because I wont' marry her until I know that answer.

I just wish I could change things sometimes.

[enfant]

I know that for some people this is easier said than done, but really, there's a lesson we People of Kink all ought to learn: If your boyfriend or girlfriend is disgusted by your kink, forces you to hide it from them, and won't change, then that's a dealbreaker. Dump them and move on, so you both can have real relationships instead of the fake one you're blundering into.

That said, @Jen, you have a partner who "loves" your crossdressing kink but is upset about your diaper kink. If she's open-minded about the one, she has potential to get her head around the other one, even though she may never be comfortable playing with you that way. I'd suggest opening up some lines of communication, maybe finding a sex therapist or sex-positive counselor, see what it is that's making her uncomfortable.

But if she can't change, move on. There's a relationship out there that will actually meet your needs; if this isn't it, you owe it to yourself to go find it.

[CBD]

Me thinks he doth protest too much!

Ha ha-- my thoughts exactly, Ashes.

[Honu]

BNut,

You have my sympathy for the death of your marriage. It is a hard thing to get past, but it is a journey. You can't change her at this point so stop looking at what she did or didn't do. Look at at what you didn't do when you knew that she won't accept a critical part of you before you got married or how you treated her. There is so much more to life and you should accept that you are in a better place now. At least now you are free to be who you are.

Since you have children, DO NOT bash their mother. She is half of them and you are the other half. In time, your relationship with them can either strengthen, or disolve. That is as much up to her as it is to you. It will be what it will be and at least now, you are free to heal from the injures you have from being so restricted and misunderstood. Further, give yourself the time and space to review YOUR mistakes before getting deeply into another relationship.

Been there, done that, understand. Well, except for the cross-dressing stuff, but I get that you are still heterosexual.

[pampers212]

I tried, tried, tried and tried to explain to her. Unfortunately along with all the "tries" were several lies that I would tell her that I had quit - when in reality I never did - just simply hid them in a different place. Well, in 2009 she said she had enough and she filed for divorce. Because of the diapers? She says yes along with my "mind games" To be honest I dont think she ever really wanted to be married. She never really was in love, and it was just something, at the time seemed like the thing to do. She asked for an annulment the week after our honeymoon (before finding any of my stashes) I think from that point forward - there was always a little bit of question and possibly resentment from me about her question that night.

I am reminded of a time that I was going through my dad's desk (I wasn't really supposed to be in there) and found a small padlock and key that he had there. I wanted it, simply for the reason that I had never had a lock of my own anywhere. So I took it and used it on the dual zippers of my backpack. One night I went to grab my backpack from the front door before going to bed. As I passed my dad in the hallway, I placed my hand over the lock and held the bag close to my body, afraid he would see the lock and bust me for stealing it from him. He was immediately suspicious, and stopped me and questioned me about the contenst of my bag. I insisted that I wasn't hiding anything from him, but he did not relent, so I handed him the bag, expecting to be busted for the lock. He asked for the key, opened it, and finding nothing, demanded why I was being so sneaky about it. I guess he figured I was hiding drugs or porn or something. He didn't even recognize the lock, which was the whole big deal.

I figure that the simple act of hiding something from someone who is close to us can really scare them, and their imaginations will run wild about what we are up to when they discover our stash. Diapers are really innocent, but most of us are secretive in general because we anticipate that others might think of us as wierd or pedo. While it is always wise to keep this lifestile lowkey, hiding it from loved ones for fear of this very reaction is absured to me. If they love us, they should know us well enough to not jump to that specific conclusion, unless they are uneasy about our obvious fears of their reaction. Regardless, I am not certain that tellin my future partner will be easy.

Billiardnut, I'm glat to hear that you are happier now, and that your girlfriend is ok with what you do. I'm just processing my thoughts out loud, I hope you don't hear me preaching at you.

[tcc]

I will weigh in here, too.

If a person is convinced their life is not complete without diapers, a diaper life (DL OR AB) and a diaper "world", you MUST "draw a line in the sand" BEFORE making a committment, or BEFORE you move on with a relationship, and lay it out. Admitting to being a DL or AB CANNOT be revealed to a partner LATER, AFTER a relationship - especially MARRIAGE - is established, and be expected to be accepted, unless you've connected with a very special and open-minded partner!

As much as it might hurt, it's far better to end a potential relationship BEFORE anything is established, if you have not "'fessed up" and been assured of understanding WHAT you are saying about a FETISH AND YOU involvement and ACCEPTANCE of it. Geez, you can even go as far as a signed letter of acceptance, so your "revelation" doesn't come back later to haunt you. Drastic? Maybe. Comforting, in the long run? Perhaps.

When I was dating, after my second divorce - and my ex, out of spite, used my "leanings" against me IN the divorce - I decided I would rather go to my grave ALONE, and DIAPERED, than to have to hide my DLism and a DL lifestyle I love, than to have a partner I couldn't tell, wouldn't accept it or it would cause nothing but problems with. I have three kids, and pretty much hid my diaper life from them, though my youngest DID tell his kindergarten teacher that his daddy wore diapers! That was the only repercussion I ever heard over three kids and all their years of living with me! LOL

YOU have to decide how important your diapers are in your life. You HAVE to decide if you need to be open about it or can successfully satisfactorily secretly hide your leanings - it doesn't work, IMHO - the rest of your life. If you can't, then your leanings have to be up front, out in the open, and on the table FROM THE GITGO. My wife still chuckles about me running around the house in just diapers and plastic pants - and usually a full diaper - on Saturday mornings - but she knew about "my thing" as she calls it, and I rarely don't thank her for her acceptance, encouragement and participation, and I usually, without going into details, make it "worth her while" - in a variety of ways! - for her open-minded attitude AND encouragement. If she had NOT accepted my DL life, we would NOT be married now, and I would have been very sad to have cut HER loose. I'm a very lucky and happy man with her in my life!

Looking at the header again, let me reiterate, you don't come OUT of the closet. You need to BE out, from the start.

I feel bad and sad for those that have partners that didn't know from the start and don't accept, but I think we all are our own worst enemies - I mean, diapers, after all, are only absorbent underwear! - and how WE handle "our thing" will determine how OTHERS handle it. Too soon old, too late wise, in too many cases in the DL/AB world...

Oh, and the guy on guy thing? You're not alone in being "curious". While I am straight - may a little bi (and I hear if you call yourself bi, you're actually gay - um, I don't agree...) - the male body and male response is an intersting thing, and to experience it, if nothing else, a time or two, I don't think, is a bad or negative thing. But, again MY humble opinion. And, I wouldn't trade my wife for a male any day. Given that, I'm not going to agonize over diapers OR my sexual preferences, which are MINE, and I'm comfortable with!

[happyindprs]

I will weigh in here, too.

If a person is convinced their life is not complete without diapers, a diaper life (DL OR AB) and a diaper "world", you MUST "draw a line in the sand" BEFORE making a committment, or BEFORE you move on with a relationship, and lay it out. Admitting to being a DL or AB CANNOT be revealed to a partner LATER, AFTER a relationship - especially MARRIAGE - is established, and be expected to be accepted, unless you've connected with a very special and open-minded partner!

As much as it might hurt, it's far better to end a potential relationship BEFORE anything is established, if you have not "'fessed up" and been assured of understanding WHAT you are saying about a FETISH AND YOU involvement and ACCEPTANCE of it. Geez, you can even go as far as a signed letter of acceptance, so your "revelation" doesn't come back later to haunt you. Drastic? Maybe. Comforting, in the long run? Perhaps.

When I was dating, after my second divorce - and my ex, out of spite, used my "leanings" against me IN the divorce - I decided I would rather go to my grave ALONE, and DIAPERED, than to have to hide my DLism and a DL lifestyle I love, than to have a partner I couldn't tell, wouldn't accept it or it would cause nothing but problems with. I have three kids, and pretty much hid my diaper life from them, though my youngest DID tell his kindergarten teacher that his daddy wore diapers! That was the only repercussion I ever heard over three kids and all their years of living with me! LOL

YOU have to decide how important your diapers are in your life. You HAVE to decide if you need to be open about it or can successfully satisfactorily secretly hide your leanings - it doesn't work, IMHO - the rest of your life. If you can't, then your leanings have to be up front, out in the open, and on the table FROM THE GITGO. My wife still chuckles about me running around the house in just diapers and plastic pants - and usually a full diaper - on Saturday mornings - but she knew about "my thing" as she calls it, and I rarely don't thank her for her acceptance, encouragement and participation, and I usually, without going into details, make it "worth her while" - in a variety of ways! - for her open-minded attitude AND encouragement. If she had NOT accepted my DL life, we would NOT be married now, and I would have been very sad to have cut HER loose. I'm a very lucky and happy man with her in my life!

Looking at the header again, let me reiterate, you don't come OUT of the closet. You need to BE out, from the start.

I feel bad and sad for those that have partners that didn't know from the start and don't accept, but I think we all are our own worst enemies - I mean, diapers, after all, are only absorbent underwear! - and how WE handle "our thing" will determine how OTHERS handle it. Too soon old, too late wise, in too many cases in the DL/AB world...

Oh, and the guy on guy thing? You're not alone in being "curious". While I am straight - may a little bi (and I hear if you call yourself bi, you're actually gay - um, I don't agree...) - the male body and male response is an interesting thing, and to experience it, if nothing else, a time or two, I don't think, is a bad or negative thing. But, again MY humble opinion. And, I wouldn't trade my wife for a male any day. Given that, I'm not going to agonize over diapers OR my sexual preferences, which are MINE, and I'm comfortable with!

Well written and well said TCC, I was involved in diapers long before I met my wife. When I did meet her for quite some time I was able to put my diapers aside. I fell in love and thought I no longer needed them. Two years later we were planning our wedding and whether due to stress or just out of the blue my desires for diapers was stronger than ever. I knew I had to tell my wife to be but feared losing her. I shadow boxed for a while and weighed the pros and cons. I came to the realization that diapers were a major part of who I was and I knew I could not give them up even for the one I loved. So I told my fiance' in a letter, spelling everything out to her before the. "I do's." We just had our thirty-second wedding anniversary on August 12th and I wear diapers every day. A relationship cannot be founded on lies or secrets but rather trust, love and understanding.