What To Expect

[Eir]

Hey Blake!

There was a mental trick I am going to use to start wetting!

I tense my sphincter's, and visualize the word shut very strongly, I see a tube that has contracted itself shut, shut SHUT!

Then I break state, and tell myself to relax. It has got me to wet a few times, have not tried it in a public restroom yet, but

it is starting to make me wet diapers at home fairly consistently.

It sounds like for you, wetting while driving and at work are like wetting at urinals for me. Good luck with your annoying mental blocks, the root issue is all about control, we are both trying to give up control.

[BlakeJordan]

A thanksgiving day update.

I've been going through a Lot of changes in work lately. Which has also changed my sleeping habits. 3, 12 hour days. Third shift. Maintaining business four days a week. Also on call for my shift.

So busy in any case. Has been... Difficult to integrate diapers into work. Moreso than I thought. I'm still working on it.

Went through days where I tried not wearing. Well. Let me tell you. That didn't work out too well. Besides constant panic. I confirmed that, even trying not to leak and hold the bladder and sphincter closed at all times no longer is possible.

No big disasters. But a nice big wet spot constantly on my crotch. So. That'd be that.

I've pretty much given given up on trying that again. As well as given up on ever being continent again.

I know that I am no longer safe out of diapers. No matter how hard I try. (and yes. I tried my best, cutting back on liquids, caffeine. Frequent bathroom visits every 30 min. Etc) the realization that at this point. It's not Just hard to go back to underwear, but a lengthy process. Requiring retraining. Medications. Etc.

Those safety nets/checks and balances have kept me in check more than a few times. Knowing that everyone I know believes I need diapers indefinitely. Has helped me through rough times.

So I think I can now say that I am diaper dependent. And that I am becoming incontinent, to the point that If I were to see urologist again. I would have a severe case of incontinence.

Ive tried to stay away from the be careful for you wish for. Don't do this. It really works. I regret it. Words of warnings yada yada.

I'm not hear to preach. I'm here to give as much of an unbiased testimony from beginning to end.

We are all adults. I'll pop in and say how things are effecting me. But cannot nor will not speak for any one person.

Do I sometimes regret my choice. Of course.

This is a difficult path.

For me though. I know my reasons and can go back to them. In the end. I think it was thought out, non impulsive. And I can live with it. AND enjoy it.

-Blake-

[Craisler]

I'm kind of surprised that you'd attempt going without a diaper. Given the progress you've made, I'd have thought that it would practically impossible to even get out of your apartment without wetting your pants.

If you really want to wear minimal protection, I'd recommend some heavy training pants with waterproof pants over them. With that combination, you could use the toilet when when you can, but still be protected from embarrassing leaks.

[BlakeJordan]

The bottom line why I tried this was I was at witts end. It was a point of weakness for me. I honestly thought I had more control than I now realize I do. This new schedule WAS kicking my ass for a few weeks and I almost quit. Had it not been for so many checks and balances. And the fact that I realized I could not quit cold turkey. I would have. In any case. What I did not realize is that I will leak at all times now. Even when not wearing. Not too long ago I could prevent this from happening.

My muscles were sore after only 12 hours and frequent trips to the bathroom. Literally hurt. I realized that I had exercised them for the first time in months.

Honestly I'm glad I was able to get past those few weeks. I think things should be easier from here on out.

Diapers now feel like a part of my slim. It's weird not having them on. Panicky even.

By Jan 1 I'll be at 5 months. Means I'll finally passed the 4.5 months I was in earlier.

I am finally starting to experience some involuntary expelling of urine during the day through powerful spasms that in turn start the flow. Catches me off guard.

Night I sleep through Without waking unless I am thirsty. Get up. Get water. Viscous cycle.

Prolly end of dec things will be pretty normal.

Thanks to everyone here.

Best.

-Blake-

[Bettypooh]

Thanks again for sharing with us I had once considered the same journey, and as you have found this has it's own implications. There is nothing in life which is all good or all bad, nor is there anything which comes without a price Knowing where you are going always helps you make the right decisions for yourself. Others may decide differently, but so long as your decisions make your own life better for you, what others feel about it doesn't matter much in comparison For me, financial constraints keep my from following my chosen paths Were it not for that I would probably join you on the journey

Be happy!

Bettypooh

[BlakeJordan]

Thanks Betty.

It's interesting as things continue. I'm as much dependent emotionally now as I am physically. There is Definitely an emotional dependence that has been brought into the picture.

I think part of the thing the thing that is most difficult for me right now Is that I know I am actually losing control. It's the fantasy vs reality. I am not big on public humiliation. One of the reasons im sitting writing this journal entry at Work on 3rd shift with a crowd of 1.

Somehow I have yet to learn that humility in public. I've had accidents in front of people I know. But up to this point have been lucky enough to avoid it in front of clients and strangers. I know at some point this will happen. And I'm working on accepting this. For now, I'll be as careful as I can.

I think that's what the past few weeks have been about mostly. The realization that YES I am really losing control. This is no longer a fantasy. It hit me full on. Full on that I was beyond the point of no return, waaay beyond. In fact it would be quite awhile for me to return to normal. If I ever got there.

I also realized just how effective my checks and balances were. I basically not Just told people I was incontinent. But that treatment was hopeless. I did this specifically for these times. Boy. Did it work. I couldn't just say I was getting better.

Every thing I set up was put into effect. I can honestly say that I was surprised I leaked as much as I did while not diapered.

For anyone that has worn for lengthy periods of time, most I imagine would say there is conditioning to the feeling of being diapered. That when you remove it. Your body knows not to just let go anymore.

This was the case for me. I was pretty much incontinent in diapers at the 2 month mark. However if I removed the diaper my body still knew what to do.

This it seems has changed, and fairly recently. As of a few weeks ago I was able to go Without diapers without issue. This is no longer the case.

Granted there was an adjustment period of a few minutes to a few hours. During which time I was extremely vulnerable to accidents. After the adjustment I could go without diapers with very frequent restroom breaks though, and very minimal leakage.

So yeah. I was surprised. It was a jump in progress for me, and realization that things are still changing.

As of now. It literally hurts to hold my bladder. An ache after about 30 min.

I wonder how much elasticity I'm losing. If it would be possible to regain it, and if so. When that becomes-not possible.

This has been quite interesting and it will be interesting to see where things go from here.

-Blake-

[Billiardnut]

I believe that you will never become completely incontinent like a person with an injury or born with the problem. However, I feel that wearing diapers 24/7 for a certain period of time will eventually make your body less dependent on control. As you stated, you pee at the slightest urge, I feel that is simply your body getting used to not having to hold it until you get to a toilet.

As far as the psychological portion of becoming voluntarily "incontinent" - it takes a lot of mental effort to be dependent on diapers, not reverting to traditional underwear when wearing the diapers gets old or you simply do not want to for a while - you mentally have to stay committed to the cause. I feel this entire process is probably 80% psychological, as long as you are mentally prepared to follow through, you will obtain what you are after.

[whisko]

... or, if you decide not to follow it through, let us know what to expect then too :-)

i agree with Billiardnut that your situation is reversible with great effort. when i don't do push-ups for a while, i suck at them and my arms shake and burn. but if i do them regularly and to the point of exhaustion, i get pretty good at them in a couple of months. i figure bladder muscles probably act about the same.

[Creepymouse]

Actually, it's a bit more like doing the splits. The majority of the 'urgency' that trainees get during diaper training is caused by the bladder shrinkage. I'd honestly guess that's why Blake has had better luck than most, he found a way to overcome the usual backslide caused by unconsciously holding it at night.

If you're flexible enough to do the splits, and you don't stretch or practice for a while, the next time you try it will be harder, if not impossible. Regular stretching and practice will probably bring you back to being able to do them, but not necessarily as well as you did before.

[BlakeJordan]

I need some help.

Over the past six weeks or so, they've been the toughest I have had. I have spent quite a lot of time out of diapers. 2/3 prolly. However am nowhere near ready to give up.

This is where I am.

I have a 3rd shift.

13 hours 2 days a week. 16 hours 1 day a week.

Nighttime.

Three people in building.

Urinary only.

Afraid I'm going to leak in public. Has not happened yet.

Can diaper as thick ad I was want. Jeans, long shirt. Very dim lighting. Could get three Bella's on with soaked without issue.

Changing at work is an issue. Would like to only once a day.

Have only one hand to change. Take longer than normal.

I really want to finish this but need to get past three bumps with work and could use some moral support, and or help with an ongoing basis for awhile.

Im particularly interested anyone who has faced this issue before. Medically or otherwise.

As well as looking for emotional support and someone to possibly finish this out with.

Thanks.

Blake.

[diapertime42]

hmm... First thought, your hours SUCK!! 13 hour day and 16 hour day??? geez... On the other hand, it's nice that you can diaper thick without notice.. When I wear a diaper to work, I wear one bambino diaper with a booster pad inside, with plastic pants. I can't go any thicker without it showing.

My diaper combo will last an 8 hr shift, but by the end, I start smelling not so fresh... I'm guessing that might be your problem too - Your diaper may be thick enough, but then there's odor and probably the start of diaper rash. Certainly you must get a couple breaks during your shift?? Are they long enough to allow a diaper change? Can you carry spare diapers in a backpack or book bag or something?

[BlakeJordan]

Breaks can be taken as I need of want them. Not a big deal.

Would basically Like to change every six hours or so.

Given the fear of leaking in public. I think the doubling up will work well for this.

It will however just take me forever to get those on in a stall. No fun.

Have yet to find a way around that.

I do have a backpack for supplies I take in general.

-Blake-

[Bettypooh]

Think boosters, and change them instead of the whole diaper You may need extra tape for fastening; some diapers are not terribly refastenable Faster to change, smaller to conceal, less odor (so long as you don't oversaturate them) since they will take the old urine out with them

One of the real risks of using diapers is leakage. With care and good quality diapers it won't happen often, but sooner or later it will happen So you have to be ready to handle that. I check my backside with my hand or in a mirror once my diaper starts getting full enough to possibly leak, and a spare diaper is always on hand if caught early enough pants will dry in fairly short order if you're moving around, but in a chair you've got problems Maybe keep extra pants in the backpack similar to the ones you are wearing that day? I've had a few leaks but not visibly at work- I just take an "Oh well!" attitude about it like I do with most things. If my reasonable efforts aren't enough to avoid trouble it would likely have happened to me anyway

Bettypooh

[DavidMW]

It will however just take me forever to get those on in a stall. No fun.

Have yet to find a way around that.

I'm a bit clumsy when it comes to trying to diaper myself, and my body shape doesn't cooperate either, so much so that I don't worry about trying to tape up the diapers to fit well (I often even tape up the diaper before I put them on, effectively treating them like loose-fitting pull-ups at that point).

Rather, I routinely wear a snug pair of briefs over the diaper to help hold them in place. I can change pretty fast with this approach, and have sometimes changed the diaper when just pulling down but not taking off the briefs. (which works out just fine when I haven't leaked)

[BlakeJordan]

I'm a bit clumsy when it comes to trying to diaper myself, and my body shape doesn't cooperate either, so much so that I don't worry about trying to tape up the diapers to fit well (I often even tape up the diaper before I put them on, effectively treating them like loose-fitting pull-ups at that point).

Rather, I routinely wear a snug pair of briefs over the diaper to help hold them in place. I can change pretty fast with this approach, and have sometimes changed the diaper when just pulling down but not taking off the briefs. (which works out just fine when I haven't leaked)

I'm a bit confused. How do you avoid leaks even with the brief. I can see it working for the waist but not crotch area.

Thanks!

[BlakeJordan]

I honestly can say this has and is a larger undertaking then thought it would be. It has not been as simple as strapping on a diaper and going about my day.

This post is going to be a retrospective. Of where I am at, where I am going. And what I've gone through. It will be personal thoughts. Not much of my journal here deals with this. But right now I need to get this down.

When I first started this journey, I honestly thought I was prepared for it. Even the second time around. I thought I knew what was coming. And for the first 2 months I did. Then my Job situation changed. I transitioned from one position to another. Where the freedom to change at home vanished. I had to relearn things. Relearn how to cope in public. Relearn how to change in public.

For the past Six weeks I've been on the verge of quitting. Had it not been to the enormous pain in the ass not wearing diapers have become. From bi hourly trips to the restroom. To constant leaking even between that time. And the fact that my entire inner circle now thinks of me as incontinent, with no hope. I would have given up.

Even when I wasn't wearing full time I was still in need to wear diapers at night. I prolly always will be. I think that part is irreversible at this point. I have I feeling that my bladder has changed enough to make me a bed wetter the entirety of life.

I've found that diapers have become some sort of physical trigger for incontinence. As soon as I put one on. My body says the hell with holding my bladder. This is slightly different from nighttime wetting where I need a diaper due to the weakness and the sleep patterns.

After about an hour out of diapers. I am at the point described above.

I guess the past six weeks just took me by surprise. I realized just how far I'd come. Yet how very far I have to go if I'm to truly integrate this into my life. I keep thinking in the back of my head. An incontinent person does not have a choice every time I cheat.

I also know every time I cheat I'm back peddling. Reversing things, even just slightly. Which makes me feel slightly disgusted with myself. It's like all this work all for nothing.

Every time Im reminded of this. It helps me. Puts me back on task. I know now that it is not as as easy as strapping on a diaper, and waiting. It never was. I suppose I'm just surprised at how off guard a simple job change caught me.

I know that leakage is part of being incontinent. Logically I know this. I know that I will leak in public. That it will show. That this is out of my control. However it Is not an aspect I like.

I've put in soo much effort. It's bed. A steady, slow gradual lifestyle change.

I'm stocked with diapers and supplies for another two months. I've already gone public to family and friends. I have not told coworker as there is only 3 people in the building at work. No need. The first three weeks was training. Finally on my own, by myself for most of the shift.

Changing at work is time consuming. If not painless process. If I take my time. I'm fine.

I don't know if I will ever be truly completely incontinent. However more and more I'm finding that emotional dependency. While I may never realize I'm wetting persay. I think I will get to the point that I won't be able to hold the bladder for more than a few minutes at a time. Where not using a diaper will be foolish. More and more I'm thinking this is going to take years. Not months.

I'm trying my best to avoid the purge thing. Or give up. It's a struggle. That takes an incredible amount of dedication. I admit that I've gone on and off. Though I'm in this for the long run. Not the sprint. And I've tried to set things up accordingly. While I think things will eventually get easier. I don't think they will get much easier for at least six months. I loon forward to the day where things are routine. Habit.

-Blake-

[Creepymouse]

I really do think you've reached the point that most of us would call "success" in your position. You've become a helpless bedwetter, and if you don't wear diapers you'll probably end up wetting yourself. I know, in your position, I'd call it 'done'.

Best wishes on getting more comfortable with the changes you've made. It sounds like you're having problems adjusting.

[BlakeJordan]

I get what your saying. I do. However. There is a part of me that says I'm not done yet. That I'm still having mental blocks. And those mental blocks are keeping me from being in diapers 24/7.

Now I'm not complaining. I don't regret anything. I'm just wanting permanence to set in. Right now, today. I feel I could go to the urologist. Put myself on Meds. Grab some training pants. And within six months be back with little harm done.

You are right on. I am having troubles adjusting. It is a very personal battle. I know once that permanence kicks in. That will be it. I'll be in diapers the rest of my natural life.

Hell. I could write the whole. Be careful what you wish for thing. Though. We all know that's not my style. Nor the point of all this.

I needed to add a personal touch to all of this as there has been a lot of criticism that this journey is not physically possible. That it cannot be done.

I'm at 4 months right now. That's all it's been for me. If in 4 months I can come to this point. I think it is damn very well possible.

The biggest problem is. There are no experts. No guides out there.

Yes. I will write my guide. In due time. When I get to where I need be.

Though for most the amount of money, time and effort this takes. As well as the drastic lifestyle changes you have to go through. Expected and not. Is nor feasible. It is a fun fantasy. A rewarding if not difficult reality that has tested me at every turn.

-Blake-

[Dill_Pickle]

Blake, I have a book I think you should read.....

"into the Wild", by (i think) John McPhee. It describes a very idealistic kid who goes and lives on his own in Alaska, near Denali.

Blake, I refer to the book as an example of very pure idealism....with some unexpected consequences. It is also worth comparing War and Peace with Stephen Crane's The Red Badge Of Courage....Crane does a better job in 150 pages than Tolstoy in 1000.

Edited December 10, 2012 by Dill_Pickle

[BlakeJordan]

I know it. As well as the ending. But why the reference?

[DavidMW]

I'm a bit confused. How do you avoid leaks even with the brief. I can see it working for the waist but not crotch area.

Thanks!

Crotch leaks generally haven't been a problem, perhaps due to the snugness of the briefs. They're the briefs I normally wear, so with the addition of a diaper underneath, they're pretty snug.

When I do leak, which happens when I take full advantage of a diaper, it usually starts at the sides at the hips, not the crotch.

[Creepymouse]

100% with David on leaks starting at the hips. Usually a trickle will escape the padding on the left or right of the front 'hourglass' and run down the wing, finding its way out instead of absorbing.

The only time I get 'crescent' leaks on my butt is when I deliberately wait too long to change (want to use the whole capacity, don't care about leaking) though pinhole leaks are unavoidable save for plastic pants.

What about a microfiber diaper cover that would prevent moisture from wicking out? I sometimes use a snug pair of fleece shorts as PJs over my diapers at night, and they usually cover for any spots the plastic pants have a hole or otherwise don't cover properly. Ultrasuede boxers might work similarly for daytime use. You might get a 'humid' spot on your pants but not a wet patch unless you actually got a trickle leaking.

I've also thought about either using a thin film of silicone or liquid latex to line a pair of jeans. I bet it would be uncomfortable on bare skin but it might be the ultimate in leak prevention. If you leaked bad enough, you might soak your socks though.

[Bettypooh]

My leaks are always the crescent shaped 'diaper smiles' in back, or similar wet spots. I've never leaked at the sides (save for side-sleeping in a disposable). The positioning of the male parts may have an affect here, I always point down

Blake, you use the term 'mental blocks'- is this perhaps some doubt showing up? At this point in the game, having doubt is not unusual because you've reached a point where at least unconsciously you know you can reach your goal, and that there is a possibility of permanence if you proceed further. Please understand that I am not doubting you- I believe what you've said through all this about wanting permanence; I'm just saying that sometimes we really believe we want something when we really don't- the human mind can be weird like that This might be a good place to take a break on the journey, to sit back and reflect on where you've been and where you're going before you continue along You don't have to stop diapering or you might, the thing here is to take stock of everything and either totally affirm your objective as correct or to set it aside for now. Pursuing this is something you can do later on, you still have a lot of life ahead of you Nothing needs to be rushed along, and going too fast can sometimes leave regrets. Avoid those wherever possible!

You do need a better diapering solution for work. Here's something to consider which may help you find your way- try pull-ups and using the toilet at work. The pull-ups are still diapers, so any desire for them is at least partially met; they will handle inadvertent leaks well enough to save you any embarrassment; and if you so desire the decent ones will hold at least one full wetting when you don't want to take a bathroom break. You'll recognize this as my own work-time solution. On finding this I discovered that it was enough for me- I didn't need to go any further to be happy You may or may not find the same thing- everyone is different and there are many options out there for all of us.

One last thought on this. No matter where you end up, you have not failed anything in any way so long as you are true to yourself in the end Even if you decide to stop here, you have gone further than most in this and that is a commendable achievement in it's own right You now have have knowledge and personal experience in a rare realm where many will not dare to tread. So long as you have no regrets you will be fine in the end whatever your decision, many will be those who will find themselves wishing they had went ahead and tried this when their time comes to an end, and regret that they didn't at least give it a chance when they could have

Whatever you do, you have my support and that of many others here, as well as our best wishes for you to find your happiness wherever it be found for you

Bettypooh

[BlakeJordan]

Ok, I think I'm good!

Have a good combo that works.

Two Bella's, cut through of course.

Onseie that fits perfectly.

Plastic pants.

Quadro. Folded in half. Inserted at beginning and changed every four hours.

Changing the quadro often makes diaper last through day, and keeps odor down.

Plastic pants are reliable. We're tested the first day on the job. With a Huge leak. How all this got started.

I've done a lot of thinking the past six weeks.

The mental blocks have been cleared. There is no doubt they were connected to the fact that I was in frustration. The entire point of wearing 24-7 for me was for the safe and secure feeling. Benefits of mental health. I wasn't getting that. It was all work and no payoff. I was to be put simply. In fear.

Something had to give. While my body was still changing. My mind was holding back. I needed Something that would work for literally the rest of my life.

I spent a lot of time, trial, and error getting different fits. Combos etc.

I finally had to come to the point they not smelling and convenience were more important than pure discretion. And so that's why I settled on the compromise of thickness rather than changing more often.

--------

It is my hope this is all useful. This entire journal. Sometimes I feel like I'm rambling on. Though I don't know of any complete journals on the subject either. So....

It's funny though how quickly my body started changing again once I got through those blocks. Was confident I was securely diapered. Able and confident to wear in public.

It is now rare that I urinate voluntarily. I am almost constantly leaking. That is a new for me. For instance I now have a fully soaked diaper only urinating 2x and of course, given my current bladder size is not much.

Betty is right that I had to come to terms yet again with being in diapers for the rest of my life. It took work. But I think I'm there.

I find it interesting that there are those that think this is just a fantasy. That is. Cannot exist. I know this is just heresy. Though it is my hope it counts for something.

I've tried, and am trying to include the good, bad and ugly. The highs and lows. Without coloring things one way or the other. Keep it to the facts of the journey.

In any case. It did and has taken me by surprise how far and how quickly I have come. I even did not realize this was possible.

I am looking forward to the next year now. I am faaar more optimistic about the future of this journey.

I will continue posting here to the end and beyond.

Thank you for taking this journey with me.

-Blake-

[BlakeJordan]

I thought I'd give another update.

I'm right at the point. 4.5 months. Where I quit last time. This was now 3 years ago.

I can say that about 2x as far as I was at that point.If not further.

Today this is where I stand. Wet nights 6/7 nights. 7th night is voluntary.

I am having bladder spasms 14/16 hours a day

. I wet now involuntary (because of spasms I assume) 70% of the time. This is in the form of constant leakage

. I'll get into a bit of detail here. For the first time today, I had troubles holding a voluntary void outside of diapers. This differs from the leakage previously mentioned. This also differs from previous accidents where I might try half heartily to stop it. I made every effort to stop

voiding. And could not.

While filling up Of a full diaper remains the same-in terms of timeframe. The frequency of voluntary voiding is exponentially decreasing, being replaced by leakage from bladder.

Obviously am not safe outside of a diaper anymore.

Only times I wake up with a full bladder is if I'm pushing fluids before bed.

-------

Have purchased a custom recording by the hypnotist of the recordings on baby-pants.

Waiting for file.

You may be wondering... Why? My reasons are to get past any remaining mental blocks. Should help

me through the end of the process.

I think I'm at the point where changes will start to set in as effects that will be there for the rear of my life.

A sense of permanence is starting to set in. Both mentally, as well as physically. I don't know if there is a point where these changes will be irreversible. Most who go down this path don't lose as much control as quickly.

This has been and continues to be an experiment to see the most effective way to go down this path. I think one of the problems is, there is no hard

documentation that this is possible. What exact methods are used, when, how, for how long, and why.

This whole subject has become a thing of urban legend in our community. My goal, at least one of them. Was to either prove or disprove the the legend with every tool available to me, and every piece of documentation available both on the subject, and related subjects. By the end of this journey. And the creation of the website/guide. I will hope to put to rest this controversy. I have decided NOT to start on the guide until I achieve the end results I want. Thus being said. It may be some time before it is. Though again. As you can see.

Right at the 4.5 month. I'm beyond the point of the 12 program in most regards. Specifically in the sense

that in the last sentence. He said he was able to clench to make it to the bathroom. This is no longer a viable solution to me.

So. Why not write the guide now? Well. My body is Still changing. I want to see how far down the rabbit

hole things go. Once I'm satisfied. I'll write.

In Any case. Most of what I want to see is possible is at this point is it possible to get to the point of not

noticing at all when wetting, and/or get to the point of not voiding but just a constant dribble. This will take time. But will be closely monitored. If/and when I get to that point. It will be interesting to see if the bladder spasms cease. Or if they continue. If they do continue. For how long.

So. We shall see where things go. But somehow I felt the 12 month program never was quite to the end. As I mentioned before. This is an experiment. To see how quickly I can reach the bottom of the rabbit hole. The guide itself will be ala carte. Thus meaning broken up into specific guides for specific tasks. Should you need to focus on a specific area etc. This should allow anyone to go as fast/or as slow as the choose.

-Blake-