Being "Outed"

[night0wl]

Like most ABDLs I have had a lifelong fear of being "outed". That is until recently. When I was at Uni I ended up telling two people, pretty much by chance. The outcome of these events has changed my outlook on the whole thing.

The first was my (then) gf; she took it well, didn't flip out or act disgusted although she refused to have anything to do with it. I was fine with this, I was just glad that she accepted it. I would previously have expected this to be a complete disaster. I would have thought that would be the end of our relationship and that all our mutual friends (which at the time was everyone I knew at Uni) would know about it.

The second time was after my gf and I had split up. I told a female friend as part of a drunken bet. I knew this girl well and knew she was open minded enough to accept it, which she did. What I did not expect though was that this conversation actually led to a relationship, one which involved various forms of age play and nappies (Heaven!). Sadly this couldn't last due to circumstances in both our lives, but it was so worth it.

Since then I have pretty much lost the fear, I no longer care really within reason). Obviously I don't go around shouting it from the rooftops, or even purposefully starting conversations about it, but if the subject happened to arise, I'd probably say (unless I knew someone would definitely react badly). This has also led to me telling my best friend. We've known each other since we were 2yo, my fascination with nappies started when I was about 3yo and yet I only told him last year. It is immensely liberating to let go of something you've kept a secret for over 20 years.

However, I have read on here many horror stories of this sort of thing going wrong, or that liberating feeling fading like a novelty. I hope this doesn't happen, though I suspect one day I will say something to someone that I regret and think to myself "I should never have started this". Either way the truth is I cannot regret the fact that I have been able to truly open myself up to my closest friend and also had the pleasure of acting out my fantasies with a sexual partner. Given these benefits, would being completely "outed" be such a bad thing?

NOTE: While I hope this inspires others, I understand that my experience is only due to my circumstances. I would advise anyone thinking of telling friends or family to be very careful. I am lucky to have some very open minded friends, but there are still some people I will never ever tell, such as my entire family!

[Depends1578]

No matter what you do in life, there is going to be a pro and a con to it. You have to do what feels right for you, and bad times do happen for whatever reason. I have told 2 people in my life. 1 being my current gf of over a year and a half and a female friend from college. Both accept it, but don't really participate. I commend you for what you have done for telling the ones you trust, but in the end I wouldn't worry too much about being "outed". Your not screaming it to people or attracting attention to it, but do remember there is 2 sides to every coin. And to answer your question, being outed all depends on who you tell and how they take it. I don't see it being that big of a deal unless its someone you cannot completely trust or feel comfortable telling. But you wouldn't have told them in the first place if that was the case. Hope this helps, best of luck,

[Mischa]

I've got three different examples of how coming out has been for me.

When I told my grandparents, they were a bit surprised seeing their 20 year old grandson with a baby bottle and binky. They're the most accepting of it. On the way back home from my dad's on New Year's Day, I fished my binky out of my duffel bag and put it in to catch some sleep, I'm sure they could see it but they didn't say a word.

I came out to my friend a while back too. He's fine with it, though I suspect only because we're so close and he realizes it's my coping mechanism, still, he says he supports me (and i've even considered inviting him along on a trip to visit a few AB friends this summer, he admits he needs to unwind a bit, so i think letting him put his hair down for a week would be good for him, even tho he's more of an AK than an AB)

On the other hand, I was outed by my mother, she found two of my spare binkys. She hasn't told anyone else that i know of yet, but since I've been out to her our whole relationship which is usually as cold as Fargo in February, has gone even colder. I've gone so far as to pack a "crash bag" with two day's worth of clothes in case I need to make an emergency exit. On top of that, I've begun planning moving away in the spring, because staying here any longer would do possibly irreparable damage to me.

[night0wl]

@Depends1578 - I couldn't agree more, I guess I'm just musing whether the cons will eventually outweight the pros. The problem is that you can never know without taking that chance, and I have taken it, and hope not to regret it.

@mischa - I'm sorry to hear that being out to your mother made things worse between you. This is the sort of thing that scares me, souring relationships which I depend upon. I couldn't imagine going through it with my parents (although I wish I'd had the chance). I hope you can get it sorted one way or another. Have you tried to talk to her about it? It's might be worth a try although I know some people just don't seem to respond to that.

[Mischa]

She's talked (read yelled) about her wanting me to go see a pshrink. I told her that I will not consider going to a pshrink for infantilism until she goes to a pshrink for anger issues. Since she says she doesn't have any.....well my being AB isn't THAT big a problem then.

Eventually we'll get it sorted out, I'm gone in due time, so after I leave, I won't care. I don't 'depend' on her for anything other than making my day miserable. She hasn't really been much of a parent for the last few years anyway. So why should I care?

[BabyLex]

Coming out and being open about one's interests is extremely liberating. It only takes telling a few friends before one can relax, let the anxiety flow away, and realize it's not that big a deal or anything to be ashamed of. Once the change happens from within you, the shift from feeling this is something you have to hide and keep a secret, everything becomes much easier, and more natural.

I've come out to a fair amount of friends at this point with excellent and supportive results. At this point, I've learned I should have done it a lot earlier

Be well.

--Lex

[curiositykilledthecat]

I have no desire to bouted to my folks ever. I don't trust that they would understand or accept this part of me. In regards to relationships, yes I'll have to come clean as I want this to be part of my lfe at least for the time being.

[Bettypooh]

....It is immensely liberating to let go of something you've kept a secret for over 20 years.

However, I have read on here many horror stories of this sort of thing going wrong, or that liberating feeling fading like a novelty. I hope this doesn't happen, though I suspect one day I will say something to someone that I regret and think to myself "I should never have started this". Either way the truth is I cannot regret the fact that I have been able to truly open myself up to my closest friend and also had the pleasure of acting out my fantasies with a sexual partner. Given these benefits, would being completely "outed" be such a bad thing?

NOTE: While I hope this inspires others, I understand that my experience is only due to my circumstances. I would advise anyone thinking of telling friends or family to be very careful. I am lucky to have some very open minded friends, but there are still some people I will never ever tell, such as my entire family!

The novelty of new-found freedom does fade as it becomes another part of your own life's normality- but that was your goal of coming out wasn't it? So actually it's a good thing But opening a secret to the world also means no longer having a secret since you can no longer control it Coming out to friends and family as TG cost me half my 'friends' but no family Coming out as DL likely wouldn't do so well so here I maintain discretion (plan A), with the smaller truth of my diapering out of need as my "plan B" should it become necessary for me to explain why I'm diapered. The 'white lie' of my having seen doctors and tried Meds for this is my moral compromise for their comfort. Coupled with "I really don't want to discuss this" will make for the best resolution for all involved, and I'm ready to bear the burden of that lie- I can live with it

If you have the right kind of people in your life you've got a chance at things going well- if not you're already screwed- so coming out just makes it clearer what kind of people are in your life, including you. If you're not already smart enough to to distance yourself from small-minded intolerance and hate in your life then you're going to be in for a heavy learning experience when you try to come out- and you darn well deserve it. There are things you will learn in life whether you want to or not- that's what this life is about- how you learn them is up to you

Opening yourself this fully does bring freedom, but freedom always has a cost. Never forget the words of Janis Joplin in "Bobby McGee"- this might be you and you can never know until it's too late to change things. Being known as a DL might not hurt where you are now in life but it may close doors in your future Yet it opens other doors- so which doors do you want the chance to go through? And will you use them when they appear? Which doors mean the most to you? NightOwl's advice at the end is very good This really is "need to know people only" stuff- telling any others has more risk than possible benefit unless you're going to an open 24/7 lifestyle, in which case your decision has already been made and your fate locked in In the end it's just life, and life's what you make of it Make it good.

Bettypooh

[Honu]

I think there is another side to this. It's great that there are open-minded people who don't automatically think we are child molesters. They are out there as well and they enjoy being pinheaded. Now that you are "out", I think your responsibility to show that you are very normal and socially productive otherwise.

Moving out of the parent's/mother's place is a good thing, diapers or no. It's about becoming independent and taking care of yourself. Of course, having your own place gives you some rights to privacy that will allow you to more completely enjoy your off time the way you want.

I hope everything works out well for all involved.

Honu

[Nia]

After my car accident I was left bladder and bowel incontinent. Some thing I work very hard today to keep people from finding out mostly because a person who I had been friends with for years crushed my confidence. I had just been moved home from the hospital I was staying in the living room (couldn't get up stairs to the bedroom) and I couldn't walk yet. My SO was changing my diaper when my friend walked into the house with out knocking looked at me and said "Oh my god, You shit your self, That's so gross" She left shortly after and I haven't seen her since. From that point I don't trust other people's reactions to some thing out of the norm.

[night0wl]

I've come out to a fair amount of friends at this point with excellent and supportive results. At this point, I've learned I should have done it a lot earlier

--Lex

So far I'm inclined to agree - if my close friends have got my back, then I don't need to worry about what anyone else thinks.

In regards to relationships, yes I'll have to come clean as I want this to be part of my lfe at least for the time being.

Gotta agree on that one - relationships are built on trust and honesty. Even if you do not expect or want your partner to participate, to keep something like this a secret could easily be interpreted as betrayal and end up being (even more) damaging to a relationship.

Opening yourself this fully does bring freedom, but freedom always has a cost. Never forget the words of Janis Joplin in "Bobby McGee"- this might be you and you can never know until it's too late to change things.

Thanks for the advice, and Janis rules

Now that you are "out", I think your responsibility to show that you are very normal and socially productive otherwise.

Moving out of the parent's/mother's place is a good thing, diapers or no. It's about becoming independent and taking care of yourself. Of course, having your own place gives you some rights to privacy that will allow you to more completely enjoy your off time the way you want.

I quite agree, there are far too many "crazy" dl making exhibitions of themselves inapropriately out there. As for moving out, that is good advice but unfortunately I did that already when I was 15 after my mother passed away Independant is my middle name

From that point I don't trust other people's reactions to some thing out of the norm.

That's a real shame, I am quite surprised at your friends reaction especially as it's medical / car accident related. Most people are far more understanding than that. Maybe it showed what sort of friend they were in the first place (obv only you can decide on that).

[BabyJune]

Personally, I can't see any reason to discuss infantilism with people I know--family or close friends. Everyone has deep, dark, secrets. I'd be petrified to tell anyone. This forum is my outlet and so is my writing. As a matter of fact, no one that knows me is aware that I wrote three infantilist novels. (And those novels have actually sold better than my mainstream novels).

The main reason I don't want people to know about my intimate desires is because for most of my life I have worked closely with children. People would most definitely get the wrong idea about me. They wouldn't understand that a fetish is actually defined as being turned on by objects and not necessarily the people that wear the objects. Everyone would automatically assume that I'd harm children if they knew about the diaper/sissy fetish. Believe me, I honor and respect children so that I'd never hurt them. But it is kinda fun to pretend to be one--knowing what I know as an adult.

In some ways, though, by working with children I am reliving my childhood. It isn't selfish really because I assume the role of a responsible, caring adult and set a good example. I also balance my work with kids by serving on adult committees within the same organization. I gotta tell you, though, I have as much fun at summer camp as the kids do. Although I'm in charge most of the time, I'm allowed to have fun, too. So outwardly I'm guiding these little kids and teaching them, but inwardly I'm one of them.

I guess my question to a lot of people in this forum would be: Why do you feel that you need to tell anyone, and what do you think (or want) it to accomplish? After all, for anyone without infantilistic desires, they won't understand what we're going through and it is highly doubtful that deep in their hearts they will accept it.

[Aleia]

I have no desire to be "outed," regardless of the reception--I find the idea of other people knowing about my bedroom behavior to be extremely creepy. Even if everyone accepted and applauded my fetish, it's just not theirs to know about--this is a hugely intimate part of my life, and the intimacy is huge part of what makes it enjoyable for me.

[beachxbunni123]

I don't think there's any reason to tell family or friends. It's not like you plan on having any sexual relations with them right..? So then they wouldn't have to know what youre "into". But yeah I think that after a while it's a good idea to let your significant other know what satisfies you in a relationship after some time. Just introduce it gradually and in a subtle way and it should work out great.

[curiositykilledthecat]

Interesting thread. Some of you keep it behind doors cause it's sexual for you. I, on the other hand, am a very NON-sexual AB. I'm looooong since over being concerned with who finds out. I onl hide it at work, and I am open all other times. It's worked for me, but maybe being "abnormal" in other categories lead to AB having almost 0 consequences. With the people in my life knowing I'm lesbian, some know of my birth defect, and oh yeah, I'm two people... Tossing a binky and a diaper in with all that is nothing. (lol "Hi. We're Miakoda.")

To the poster who's friend was all "That's gross"... That is messed up! You didn't need that friend anyway. That is seriusly messed up, and he/she should be ashamed of themselves.

Join the Miakoda, resistance is futile.

My biggest issue is I want to work on radio or television at some point in my life(not to mention missions work) so albeit I don't mind having a close circle of abdl friends, I am rather concerned of being outed destroying my future.

[Mischa]

Join the Miakoda, resistance is futile.

I knew it wouldn't take her long!

Resistance is futile, ain't it Darth Kitty?

[BabyBadRat]

It's worked for me, but maybe being "abnormal" in other categories lead to AB having almost 0 consequences. With the people in my life knowing I'm lesbian, some know of my birth defect, and oh yeah, I'm two people... Tossing a binky and a diaper in with all that is nothing. (lol "Hi. We're Miakoda.")

To the poster who's friend was all "That's gross"... That is messed up! You didn't need that friend anyway. That is seriusly messed up, and he/she should be ashamed of themselves.

I think I may have been in kinda the same boat here. My friends all know I'm gay as well as some other quirky things I do, so that is why I think they didn't care when I told them about the ABDL thing. I think it would be a lot different if someone tries really hard to appear "normal" to a particular friend and then all of a sudden springs the ABDL thing on them.

Oh, and yeah, I agree as well that it is totally messed up how that friend was all "That's gross". That is just un-friend-like.

[Guest Saya]

I have had some good and bad experiances myself...

a couple of good ones, was that a friend ive known for about a year has had expeirance with infantism in the past because she was a nurse, so she was quite accapting of it, a bad experiance i've had was I told someone the wrong thing, and she pretty much spreaded it around.

[curiositykilledthecat]

I think it would be a lot different if someone tries really hard to appear "normal" to a particular friend and then all of a sudden springs the ABDL thing on them.

Welcome to my fundamental problem. Although I'm pretty sure I probably fail at appearing normal however I like to keep that delusion.

[Guest Saya]

please define what you call normal?, you can act childlike even as an adult without having to desclose anything about your personal lifestyle, I do it myself, I enjoy things like watching cartoons, going to see a U rated film at the cinema or even havvin a happy meal at mcdonalds.. Its about finding the balance between what you can do in the general public and what you can't.

I must admit getting my friends to come watch yuguoh with me or Bolt 3d was real funny, since they were real embarresed about it lol.

[enfant]

I've been very private about this for a very long time. There were lots of people I'd met within the AB/DL community, and some of them even knew my real name, but of the people who knew me first in my regular day-to-day life who I then told about my kink, there were only two: my wife and my best friend. (And a therapist, but I didn't really consider that to count.) Every time I'd told anyone, it was a positive experience, but that didn't make me any less afraid of telling other people.

But over the years I've come to believe more and more strongly that there's a fundamental contradiction between being proud of who I am and not telling anyone who I am. And there have been a few occasions when the subject of kinks came up in conversations, friends came out of the closet to me, and it was clear that I would have been safe coming out to them, and that it would have strengthened the friendships to do so--but I was too scared. And I always regretted it, afterward... but after the moment passed, it seemed so awkward to bring it up again, so I still never told.

So this past year or so I've made an effort to be less secretive. I found out, by a weird coincidence, that a coworker I'm friends with is also friends with an AB that I know--who had come out to him, and he was fine with it. So I came out to my coworker, and that went fine. And then a different coworker came out to me as a kinky person (not an AB, but he's in a 24/7 master/slave relationship), and I decided to throw caution to the wind and tell him about myself too, and now he and I are very good friends. He told his slave, too, so now I'm out to her as well. All of these have been very positive experiences for me.

I'm probably never going to be ready to tell my family or post it on my facebook page or whatever. Most of my friends don't know, and I expect I'll keep it that way. But if I'm still in the closet, at least I've got the door open now, and I feel good about the change.

[buckeye87]

One of my friends just had an experience that's been extremely stressful, and which has turned me a bit back from the road to openness. We casually invited a non ABDL person into our group of friends because he was dating a girl in our group, but after things went sour with her, he decided to retaliate by telling her family and people in her workplace. Whatever, her fault for dating a messed up dude . . . then he decided he'd do the same for others in the group. Some of them are professionals who simply can't afford this bizarre imagery associated with their names. Luckily I was spared and I'm not sure how things turned out ultimately, but now I see that it just takes one negative experience to really jank stuff up.

Luckily for me, I'm pretty much immune to misfortune My parents are privacy invading ninjas who do their best to find out stuff about me and overreact. It was pretty much inevitable that they would find my stash, but they were more worried that I might have something wrong with my urinary system than anything else! Once they realized my fiance was fine with it, they just stopped caring immediately. More or less the same thing happened with my childhood best friends, college best friend, and grad school best friend. On another note, I seriously need to work on hiding things, my skill in it is arrested at somewhere around a second grade level.

[enfant]

One of my friends just had an experience that's been extremely stressful, and which has turned me a bit back from the road to openness. We casually invited a non ABDL person into our group of friends because he was dating a girl in our group, but after things went sour with her, he decided to retaliate by telling her family and people in her workplace. Whatever, her fault for dating a messed up dude . . . then he decided he'd do the same for others in the group. Some of them are professionals who simply can't afford this bizarre imagery associated with their names. Luckily I was spared and I'm not sure how things turned out ultimately, but now I see that it just takes one negative experience to really jank stuff up.

What a jerk. I'm sorry your friends had to have that experience. I will say, though, that if some bitter ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend of a friend of mine told me that my friend was into <insert outré fetish here>, it wouldn't make me think any less of the friend. I'd think a lot less of the ex, though--and might well assume s/he was making the story up to be nasty. So hopefully nothing too terrible will come of this.

A similar thing happened to a friend of mine, actually--he was outed to his family and friends by an angry ex--and from what he's told me, he eventually came to feel that on balance it was a good thing for him that she did so. It got it out of the way, and his family were no more upset about it than your parents were. (Kudos to your parents, by the way, they had a good healthy reaction, even though they shouldn't have been snooping in the first place. Regarding your skill at hiding things, by the way, let me advise you that when you get married you're definitely going to need to work on that. Not for diapers, of course--for birthday and christmas and anniversary presents. )

I'm sure that if my family found out, it would be fine--they wouldn't think any less of me at all--but I still don't want them to, because I'd just feel terribly embarrassed having that conversation. Eeuggh.

[Yvhuce]

To the poster who's friend was all "That's gross"... That is messed up! You didn't need that friend anyway. That is seriusly messed up, and he/she should be ashamed of themselves.

Oh, and yeah, I agree as well that it is totally messed up how that friend was all "That's gross". That is just un-friend-like.

Can we say overreaction to "normal" human behavior? I'd expect such a reaction by any of my friends (irl and online). And they can expect the same reaction from me if they're into something I find gross and burden me with the details... In general, friends typically don't want to know what kinda stuff you're into.

One of my friends just had an experience that's been extremely stressful, and which has turned me a bit back from the road to openness. We casually invited a non ABDL person into our group of friends because he was dating a girl in our group, but after things went sour with her, he decided to retaliate by telling her family and people in her workplace. Whatever, her fault for dating a messed up dude . . . then he decided he'd do the same for others in the group. Some of them are professionals who simply can't afford this bizarre imagery associated with their names. Luckily I was spared and I'm not sure how things turned out ultimately, but now I see that it just takes one negative experience to really jank stuff up.

Luckily for me, I'm pretty much immune to misfortune My parents are privacy invading ninjas who do their best to find out stuff about me and overreact. It was pretty much inevitable that they would find my stash, but they were more worried that I might have something wrong with my urinary system than anything else! Once they realized my fiance was fine with it, they just stopped caring immediately. More or less the same thing happened with my childhood best friends, college best friend, and grad school best friend. On another note, I seriously need to work on hiding things, my skill in it is arrested at somewhere around a second grade level.

Thus is the risk we face when including "normal" folk. The same goes for anyone who's into something that's not considered "normal". Quite frankly, it ignorant to expect people to keep secrets. Especially if they're not into what you are... Better to leave them in the dark if possible...

[squashNstretch]

Welcome to my fundamental problem. Although I'm pretty sure I probably fail at appearing normal however I like to keep that delusion.

Ha, and that kind of IS the problem. I find myself to be a fully functioning person. I a super social person that has many different cirlces of people I hang out with, generally living in places with 3+ roomates, do something out of the house most nights of the week. The AB thing comes up in waves for me. I've spent a week doing the ab thing every day, then not grabbed a diaper for a month or so. I really wouldn't any of my friends to know that I like to wear diapers when I play video games and wake up wet Christmas morning. My buddies and I are always joking around, and as friends do there is a lot of ribbing and 'busting each others balls'. Now enter the fact one of my (ex) room mates saw I was wearing a pullup under my pants one day. I VERY rarely wore outside of my room, but she saw the band and it all went to hell. She and her boyfriend started making fun, and wouldn't let up. Next big party that came up, she told the whole room. She would make a joke about it pretty much every time I saw her and we were in a group. No-one else has ever said anything or seems to care at all. I am still friendly with her, but I really dislike being in her company. Haha, my gf and I went on a passive aggressive revenge mission though. Ex-room mate was trying to loose weight, and I kept bringing her as many desserts and chocolate and chips as we could.

Mua ha ha.

Anyways, you will have to suss out how you would feel knowing everyone you know knowing you like to wear diapers. They aren't in the community, so they may sit there and wonder if you are wearing one right now, if you might poop your pants at any moment etc... I found the whole experience there to be terrible. On the flip side, meeting up with and hanging out with some fellow AB's like Lex and bobbyc has been awesome. And of course my GF is an AB as well, so don't be averse to telling ANYONE, just be weary who you do tell.