Update With My Wife

[Diaper Lightning]

First, Idk where my last post went on this, it was fairly recent...

Anywho those who know whats goin on here is the continuation-

So we sat down and talked more about this because I sent her an email asking if she would have loved me or still married me if she knew about diapers before we were married.

"I am not going to answer that question." She said.

My thoughts are that she maybe would not have. The bigger fear is that she couldn't love me unconditionally.

Her Father is a gambling addict and her mother hates her father for it and the mother gets very bitter when he goes to the casino, it is REALLY ugly to watch, I try not to be around when that happens.

My fear that is if I say "You know what, I am just going to wear diapers- and I will keep you out of it since you don;t want me to wear them anyway." I think she would hate me like her mother hates her father and then there goes a bad downward spiral...

She says she doesn't understand it or why I would want to wear diapers or what it all means.

Comfort, security, stress-releasing, practical, fun and exciting - is how I have described them.

She is afraid that if I start wearing I will just keep stepping it up until it is out of control.

I told her "others" on this site say to moderate the intake and balance it with life priorities. This doesn't sit well with her.

She wants to talk to someone she knows about it.

I told her she can't because it is a private matter and people she would talk to would be too judgmental and it would jeopardize my ministry as a religious leader.

She says I shouldn't have to hide things, that it is wrong to hide things...

I told her that one doesnt go flashing their underwhere either or talking about what happens in bed to other ppl either... she doesnt see it that way, but for now has "said" she won;t talk to anyone.

What if our kids find out, she doesnt want to explain it to them...

I told her they won't know that i will be careful.

I asked her if she would let me wear them.

She says no, she doesn't agree or like it.

I told her there are things I compromise with her on, sometimes I don't like it either.

I am afraid my wife doesnt truly know and express unconditional love. She thinks I am an addict and that if I dry myself out things will be ok, but it is not, this is stressing our marriage. Ever since I told her and felt her response I have been shutdown and seem to not be able to get back up to "normal" - She says why were you ok before? I told her because I thought it wasn't going to come back.

I have given her links to adisc.org and the understanding infantilism website and the good article in the psycgology book. I think she is caught up in the WHY. and from what I have read- we dont know why we are all stuck on diapers!

[Bettypooh]

This is why I really don't understand why people marry while keeping something like this a secret.

I'm not judging here, I am just saying that I really don't understand it.

DL has said several times that he hadn't worn in years when he got married and had thought it was gone for good in his life- you can't fault him for doing something like that when he didn't know any better.

Bettypooh

[beachxbunni123]

You can't force someone to like diapers. If you're wife doesn't want to there's nothing you can do except divorce. Sorry there''s really no other advice to give.

[leafy kille]

sigh what a mess society creates with its ideas of normality so firmly hammered in that the nails poke out of your ears... sure its not normal, but does it really do any harm to anyone?

[Repaid1]

I guess I can chime in here for a bit. I have been married twice, the first dissolved due to us not seeing each other enough due to opposite shifts. Well the more I think of it, it was because she was insecure with herself. So I look at it like this DL, While both my wifes were understanding and knew of my little secret. They both knew in advance, I gave them plenty of advance notice. Both took it in stride. It seems to me that your wife is deeply hurt over this.

You are trying to explain what you are now telling her is a part of your life, and I'm seeing it as she feels betrayed of your trust. I know it's apples to oranges here. But try this analogy. Let's say for instance you had a drinking problem earlier in your life, but through AA and consult you've been sober for say three years. Would you have told her of that past. If not, why not? Were you afraid she wouldn't like you? If so why would you want her? This is a HUGE part of who we are, and I think in her eyes she see's this as a lie to her of sorts. I think she see's now this is a big part of you, and it's eating her up.

At this point I have to question if there is any advice to change her mind. She seems set in her convictions. I think you hit the nail on the head about "unconditional love" to a point, but you didn't help matters to get her there with you. She's seems out side of the relationship if she needs to talk to others, or afraid of what others will think. I agree it's a private matter, and should be rational talked about between yourselves. She isn't striking me as that type of person, at least not at this point.

Normally I wouldn't suggest this, but it sure looks like you have two options at this point...I don't have to tell you the first, which is a last resort. The second is just to keep living a lie and go on with it behind her back. It's a shame if this had to happen. But for you two, it's about come to this. I would stop bringing up the subject. Let her have her time to dwell on it if she want's and bring it up on her own terms. Till then it seems as though your making things worse. I'd hate to say this, but she seems like the type that if you push her too far she's gonna out you to people, and in your situation that's certainly not going to help matters. Best of Luck dude. And on a lighter note, I love the shirts! take care.

[sarah_ab]

as a girl.. let me tell you.. girls like to talk to their friends. girls have best friends that many girls tell everything to !!

all i can say is, if my boyfriend 'forbid' me from talking to my best friend, it would not sit well.

You have no right to control who your wife talks to. You can tell her that you wish to keep t his private and would prefer that she not tell all of your friends and family, but to forbid her from discussing this with a friend whom she has most likely always used a confidant is well.. extremely selfish on YOUR part.

She is confused upset and needs someone to talk you, and you are saying the only person she can talk to about this, is the person she is confused and upset about (you)... not sure thats gonna work.

Diapers are not an addiction, its just you are so obsessed with convincing your wife she must agree with you wearing them that that you can't stop thinking about them.

I dont think your wife needs any form of therapy, however given your obsession with insisting she accept your diapers, i think therapy may be beneificial to you, alone, not couples therapy, but therapy where you talk and try to figure out why you are so obsessed with the idea of her having to agree with ur diaper wearing.

Again, she is a woman, and us women have best friends for a reason, its free therapy.

from a womans point of view, i dont think your wife is out of line in wanting to confide in a close friend. However, I do think you are out of line in forbidding her from doing this.

If you are angry at someone, is that the person you want to vent to? No, you want to vent to a friend who is going to lend a sympathetic ear, who will let you let off some steam, so then you can go talk to the person you are angry at.

you seem to be denying your wife this chance to let off some steam, which means the tension will just build and build and build.

If you really want to have a marriage that works, you cannot control who your wife talks to or about what, but rather trust she will use discression in who she chooses to disclose to.

[AutieAB]

as a girl.. let me tell you.. girls like to talk to their friends. girls have best friends that many girls tell everything to !!

all i can say is, if my boyfriend 'forbid' me from talking to my best friend, it would not sit well.

You have no right to control who your wife talks to. You can tell her that you wish to keep t his private and would prefer that she not tell all of your friends and family, but to forbid her from discussing this with a friend whom she has most likely always used a confidant is well.. extremely selfish on YOUR part.

I agree with this. And anyway, for all you know, if she chooses to confide in a friend, that friend may help her see things in a way that's more favourable to you that your current situation.

Other than that, I have no idea what advice to offer, except that remember she's going through something as tough as you are.

[curiositykilledthecat]

Now I wouldn't say accept this or we're divorced, that is a bit self centered, however you are entitled to do what makes you happy. The problem is you can't force her to like it.

[ArtemisEnterri]

as a girl.. let me tell you.. girls like to talk to their friends. girls have best friends that many girls tell everything to !!

all i can say is, if my boyfriend 'forbid' me from talking to my best friend, it would not sit well.

You have no right to control who your wife talks to. You can tell her that you wish to keep t his private and would prefer that she not tell all of your friends and family, but to forbid her from discussing this with a friend whom she has most likely always used a confidant is well.. extremely selfish on YOUR part.

I agree with this. And anyway, for all you know, if she chooses to confide in a friend, that friend may help her see things in a way that's more favourable to you that your current situation.

Other than that, I have no idea what advice to offer, except that remember she's going through something as tough as you are.

But what about his explanation above regarding his "ministry as a religious leader"? What if the wife's friend is part of that same church/organization? Or knows other people involved? What's to keep the friend from "spilling the beans" if she gets freaked out by whatever his wife tells him? Or worse yet, what if the friend makes things worse by making his wife even more freaked out by suggesting he's involved in other things (like pedophilia)? There are so many uncontrollable variables when an outsider is informed about our world for the first time.

IMHO, he is well within his rights to say that she cannot discuss this topic with anyone outside their relationship (unless that someone is maybe a user on a site like this). He cannot forbid her from discussing other topics with her friends, but I believe he can forbid this specific topic.

Edited May 11, 2009 by ArtemisEnterri

[wetvinyl]

as a girl.. let me tell you.. girls like to talk to their friends. girls have best friends that many girls tell everything to !!

... Again, she is a woman, and us women have best friends for a reason, its free therapy. ... From a womans point of view, i dont think your wife is out of line in wanting to confide in a close friend. However, I do think you are out of line in forbidding her from doing this.

... If you really want to have a marriage that works, you cannot control who your wife talks to or about what, but rather trust she will use discretion in who she chooses to disclose to.

This last point: emphasis mine... and I hope to God your wife's discretion is considerate of your privacy, and is thoughtful in choosing who she chooses to talk to.

Beyond that, this guy knows Sarah's speaking truth-- it's out of your hands, dude. Girls need to talk, and they do. Try to suppress it, and you'll have even more problems! Just trust that she confides wisely... and let it be.

If you can't trust her with that... wellllll....

wv

[sarah_ab]

he has already severely compromised his position as a religious leader by posting hs picture and other identifying information on this website, along with setting up a site where he sells tee shirts that are ab oriented that he prints himself... i'm pretty sure if someone in his ministry or community came to this site, they'd figure out who he was pretty darn quick..

so if you are afraid of compromising this position, my suggestion would be to clear out.. and quick.. there is already a lot of information about you on these ab sites for someone who really wanted to find out...

[PampersPete]

I smell so much irony in this post it's fuckin' hilarious!

[Diaper Lightning]

Ok, about her talking to her friend. Her friend is actually not a bad idea. She no longer lives in town and doesn't plan on living in town, but they do visit often.

I believe they would be silent outside unless her friend thinks I am a pedophile then she might alert church officials and then it is game over big time.

I have info on the web in only spots that people like us are most likely to find it. If they find me on the web, I have equal amounts of "ammo" to fire back and ask them what brought them to the sites. MY blog has a 18+ Adult theme disclaimer. If they get there I can ask them what they are doin on "adult" sites.

I think I am just going to can this for a couple more months while the stress of a new baby wears off and I need to be a WAY better husband than I have been. I am disgusted with my performance these last couple of months- I need to treat her like I did when we were dating - diapers will be on hold I guess. Who knows, might be a good time to put some design time into Project: Emergence.

[Baby Cammy]

From a Christian perspective, all the things she has said is true of what most christians believe on this "sort" of thing. Pornography for example is usually more easily overcome when accountability is in place. You have to tell someone BEFORE they can help keep you accountable, thus the need for telling. There is safety in a multitude of council. She brings up very good points. They certainly are not to be just excused away.

A lot of [christian] people who indulge in this sort of thing know one thing. They like it. They don't know why. But they do. Sure infantilism isn't directly addressed in the bible. Sure people can say they are in God's will even though they have this whole secret life that they keep hidden (for good reason). But when you get down to it, take a step back and look at how much trouble and confusion and heart break and lies are involved. Is that God's best? Seriously. I doubt it.

Stop lying to yourself and more importantly stop being selfish. You have a wife that loves you and she wants the best. Don't discount her arguments simply because you think she just has no clue, and she doesn't know what it's like, and no one understands, blah blah blah. Think how much strain and stress could be lifted if this was not something you dealt with. A lot probably. She is not the problem. You are.

I suggest you seek council from someone you trust. Love covers, it doesn't expose.

Somebody had to say it...

[Aurelius]

I said before you should just divorce... I know it's horrible, but if it's doing you more harm than good there is no reason not to. She will probably be able to keep things together - and while the situation for the kids would be a little sad, the alternative is spoiling your own life over this. It sounds like, in my view, that you should say that if she is not able to accept some reasonable and moderate agreement on this, that it is over. Especially considering that with time you would probably adjust.

You don't need their church or religion. I generally laugh when people call me 'immoral' or 'amoral' even though that's more or less true. 'Morality' is mostly a lot of preconceived ideas and brainwashing, with only a couple of exceptions which are universal (eg. of course you don't just kill people, steal, destroy etc.)

You have nobody to blame but yourself for marrying a puritanical Christian. Seriously, is there any scriptural backing for the supposition that fetishism is "wrong"? That's pretty doubtful.

[Diaper Lightning]

Baby Cammy -

I understand and if you see my last post, I am working on giving her space on the issue and some time. I also started another thread here about what has recently happened.

Thanks

[Diaper Lightning]

Update -

So my wife says, "I am going to Wal-mart today. Do you need anything besides diapers."

I just stood there in shock, wondering if she knew what she said. She caught on after a couple of seconds of me not saying anything.

"For our children..."

"Oh..... No, I don't think so."

I try to make a diaper joke about once a week that is obvious but not rude or aggressive.

She was talking about her Walmart trip later that day. I said, "Did you get me some diapers?"

"No."

"I am medium just in case you want to know."

She just kinda shrugged it off and replied, "Making fun of it isn't going to make me think they ok any quicker."

So does that mean she is starting to realize something???

Meh, for time being I am not gonna crack the diaper jokes. I still am drinkin outta my sippy cup.

Will update you in a new thread if something different happens worth tellin. I almost didnt write this

[dl_ashlee]

Hum, well if you keep doing it, then it keeps reminding her, and either she will have to accept it or she will get feed up about it and do something about it.

[Pollyanna Fleshman]

sigh what a mess society creates with its ideas of normality so firmly hammered in that the nails poke out of your ears... sure its not normal, but does it really do any harm to anyone?

I totally agree with you. If people spend a lifetime cmfrming and trying to please others, they will deny themselves the happiness they truly deserve. True, not everyone in your life that matters will understand and love that part of you, but from my experience, if you are confident in yourself and if you are confident while taking to the other person and act like it is no big deal to you and that this is just a part of you, it will eventally rub off.

Just throwing the marriage out the window is not a good idea, since there are kids involved. I personally believe that a marriage is forever, so because i feel this way, i'd offer the advice to try to find strategies to work things out. could you possibly find a councelor that is AB/DL friendly. I'm guessing that if they are certified in the field of psychology, they would be objective and not judge you but try to help you and your wife work through this hard time. Note that I said "supposed to" because not everyone does their job like they should.

I suppose you could interview some to see which ones are safe. without exposing yourself, you could state that you have a friend who is into this, and you want to help him and understand more about it. This way, it is in the third person and does not incriminate you. Once you find the safe one and you feel that one is okay, you can then open up to him.

I know you gave your wife the literature to read, but is it possible if you could request that both of you sit down together to read over it and discuss it? tell her that she means the world to you and that you love her very much. Tell her that you love her unconditionally, even if she were to have a strange feddish. You could even ask her if there is anything strange that she likes that she may want to share. Also tell her that you totally understand how she feels and because she is your wife, it is important that she reads and has this discussion with you. I've always found out that if you take an interest in the other's feelings and if you reassure them, they are mor apt to budge. It is human nature that people want to be put first and to be understood. People love it when you talk about them, so if you sort-of put the focus on your wife, it could work. Perhaps, you could do this over dinner to lighten things a bit?

I hope that this helps out.

[Pollyanna Fleshman]

as a girl.. let me tell you.. girls like to talk to their friends. girls have best friends that many girls tell everything to !!

all i can say is, if my boyfriend 'forbid' me from talking to my best friend, it would not sit well.

You have no right to control who your wife talks to. You can tell her that you wish to keep t his private and would prefer that she not tell all of your friends and family, but to forbid her from discussing this with a friend whom she has most likely always used a confidant is well.. extremely selfish on YOUR part.

She is confused upset and needs someone to talk you, and you are saying the only person she can talk to about this, is the person she is confused and upset about (you)... not sure thats gonna work.

Diapers are not an addiction, its just you are so obsessed with convincing your wife she must agree with you wearing them that that you can't stop thinking about them.

I dont think your wife needs any form of therapy, however given your obsession with insisting she accept your diapers, i think therapy may be beneificial to you, alone, not couples therapy, but therapy where you talk and try to figure out why you are so obsessed with the idea of her having to agree with ur diaper wearing.

Again, she is a woman, and us women have best friends for a reason, its free therapy.

from a womans point of view, i dont think your wife is out of line in wanting to confide in a close friend. However, I do think you are out of line in forbidding her from doing this.

If you are angry at someone, is that the person you want to vent to? No, you want to vent to a friend who is going to lend a sympathetic ear, who will let you let off some steam, so then you can go talk to the person you are angry at.

you seem to be denying your wife this chance to let off some steam, which means the tension will just build and build and build.

If you really want to have a marriage that works, you cannot control who your wife talks to or about what, but rather trust she will use discression in who she chooses to disclose to.

Wow! Well said from a fellow woman!

[Pollyanna Fleshman]

But what about his explanation above regarding his "ministry as a religious leader"? What if the wife's friend is part of that same church/organization? Or knows other people involved? What's to keep the friend from "spilling the beans" if she gets freaked out by whatever his wife tells him? Or worse yet, what if the friend makes things worse by making his wife even more freaked out by suggesting he's involved in other things (like pedophilia)? There are so many uncontrollable variables when an outsider is informed about our world for the first time.

IMHO, he is well within his rights to say that she cannot discuss this topic with anyone outside their relationship (unless that someone is maybe a user on a site like this). He cannot forbid her from discussing other topics with her friends, but I believe he can forbid this specific topic.

While i do agree with Sara_ab, i also agree with you in that he has a say as to what is discussed outside the relationship. He has a riht to privacy. My husband and i have asked this of one another abo somepretty difficult things, and i do not think that is wrong. So, now that you bring out that point, he is entitled to ask that this not be discussed with outsiders, as it is not guaranteed--almost pretty sure--that this friend would not understand.

[ArtemisEnterri]

While i do agree with Sara_ab, i also agree with you in that he has a say as to what is discussed outside the relationship. He has a riht to privacy. My husband and i have asked this of one another abo somepretty difficult things, and i do not think that is wrong. So, now that you bring out that point, he is entitled to ask that this not be discussed with outsiders, as it is not guaranteed--almost pretty sure--that this friend would not understand.

Well gee, at least someone paid attention to my post.

[DiaperBigBoy]

I totally agree with you. If people spend a lifetime cmfrming and trying to please others, they will deny themselves the happiness they truly deserve. True, not everyone in your life that matters will understand and love that part of you, but from my experience, if you are confident in yourself and if you are confident while taking to the other person and act like it is no big deal to you and that this is just a part of you, it will eventally rub off.

Just throwing the marriage out the window is not a good idea, since there are kids involved. I personally believe that a marriage is forever, so because i feel this way, i'd offer the advice to try to find strategies to work things out. could you possibly find a councelor that is AB/DL friendly. I'm guessing that if they are certified in the field of psychology, they would be objective and not judge you but try to help you and your wife work through this hard time. Note that I said "supposed to" because not everyone does their job like they should.

I suppose you could interview some to see which ones are safe. without exposing yourself, you could state that you have a friend who is into this, and you want to help him and understand more about it. This way, it is in the third person and does not incriminate you. Once you find the safe one and you feel that one is okay, you can then open up to him.

I know you gave your wife the literature to read, but is it possible if you could request that both of you sit down together to read over it and discuss it? tell her that she means the world to you and that you love her very much. Tell her that you love her unconditionally, even if she were to have a strange feddish. You could even ask her if there is anything strange that she likes that she may want to share. Also tell her that you totally understand how she feels and because she is your wife, it is important that she reads and has this discussion with you. I've always found out that if you take an interest in the other's feelings and if you reassure them, they are mor apt to budge. It is human nature that people want to be put first and to be understood. People love it when you talk about them, so if you sort-of put the focus on your wife, it could work. Perhaps, you could do this over dinner to lighten things a bit?

I hope that this helps out.

I 2nd that. lol

[Diaper Lightning]

i am so working on trying to love and affectionate her. its like a mission that requires research study and tactics! fun fun fun!

[sarah_ab]

Well gee, at least someone paid attention to my post.

wait you made a post?