Cheating?

[Heven]

Just an idea I've been wondering about lately: Are AB/DLs more faithful to their significant others than the average person?

I can imagine a couple of reasons why:

First, there's the secrecy aspect. If you tell your SO about your fetish, you're trusting him/her with an enormous secret, likely the kind that you wouldn't want anyone else to know about. This sort of trust helps to build bonds, and on the more crass side, it also serves as a sort of incentive to not piss the other off too much.

Second, diapers are sexual for many of us, and I think they have the potential to fulfill the sexual desire that many are searching for when they cheat. Of course, there are many different reasons why people cheat, and I doubt that AB/DLs would emotionally cheat much differently from normal folks, but for the sexual side, I wouldn't be surprised if we were a lot more faithful.

Those are my $.02, anyway. What are your thoughts?

[Abby]

Nah. I've talked to abdls that have cheated on their spouses before. Hell, I've had married men hit on me.

If it's so secret I think they may be a little bit more unfaithful if their partner doesn't know...

[NappyHappy]

I think everyone is their own person, we all have our own morals and ideas. I know I would never cheat on my significant other but that is just me.

[boy ricky]

My observations of Ab/dl folks suggest there is no difference between us and them when it comes to "cheating".

I make no judgment here with the following, just an observation... I have met with many ab's that have not shared their fetish/ab side with their spouse, yet wanted to play with me and in some cases did play with me.

[tcc]

All of the comments offered are viable. But, to me, Heven, your reasoning is sound. I would think a lot of it depended on the level of committment with the SO, and they were on board with you from the gitgo. In addition, with the right SO or partner, the pleasure/enjoyment could be so mutual, that even if the relationship tanked, there would be no reason for revenge and exposure of leanings to others. But, it doesn't always work that way! Anyone into "kink", and revealing to others, risks being exposed at some point, if the relationship goes away.

[drynot]

Tcc has a good point. I think in most relationships there are secrets that one partner would not want exposed if the relationship ended. AB/DL folks are no different in that regard.

If someone wants to cheat on his or her SO then it will likely happen. That is just human nature.

[Heven]

I definitely agree that the idea totally goes out the window when you're talking about a situation where the AB/DL hasn't actually shared the secret. I might speculate that cases like those are even more likely to lead to cheating than normal. I was basing my thoughts around a situation where at least the necessary trust had already been established where the AB/DL felt comfortable enough to share.

Anyway, thanks for the discussion, everyone.

[tcc]

I think that a person has to define "cheating" in their own mind. A cheater is going to cheat, no matter WHAT they are into. If you define "cheating" as AB or DL play with another AB or DL, outside of a relationship or marriage, WITHOUT the SO's knowledge or permission (if you'd have to HAVE "permission" from them to engage in mutual play), then it IS cheating on a SO. Too, is the mutual play mutual diapering, wetting, messing, baby games, etc., but short of sexual involvement? Now we get into "splitting hairs". Was the oral that Bill Clinton got from Monica Lewinsky SEX or NOT SEX?! Now we get into definitions. Since for many in the AB/DL world there IS a sexual side to the turn-on of indulgence and involvement, the term "cheating" CAN be very accurate. When you have a totally anti-social and socially immoral (again, by WHO's definition?) person, then anything goes and nothing is bad, wrong or "sinful" (and now we bring RELIGION into the fray). How many sociopaths in prison don't think they ought to be there because THEY feel they did nothing wrong - even to the point of homicide?!?

The question is a great one, and one for plenty of thought. If you have to indulge your desires and get fulfillment on your own, on the sly, without a SO knowing, it CAN be considered cheating. And, as always, it CAN be in a matter of degrees, which for most people, they use to justify what they do, without guilt, especially WHEN they feel that what they are doing may NOT be "quite right".

I laid out the majority of my DL life to my now-wife, BEFORE we got beyond a certain point - where I felt she HAD to know about things, my involvement and online friends - before we invested more time and emotion into our budding relationship. She asked for time to deal with it and over time, with her knowing about me and my life, we broached the topic, gently, every so often, and a little bit more every time. She said it was MY thing, and being open-minded, it was up to me how I wanted to deal with it and indulge myself. At a certain point, she could FEEL it was time to "put up or shut up". And, she felt she was going to lose me if she didn't participate, though I never pushed her. Once she DID participate, she discovered how she had not HAD to be fearful and how much fun she actually found she could have by indulging me and participating. Patience, on my part, made all the difference. Knowing my wife WAS open-minded, and approaching things intelligently, also came into play.

I can only wish the same type of thing for everyone feeling unfulfilled and unsatisfied.

[babylin]

I definitely agree that the idea totally goes out the window when you're talking about a situation where the AB/DL hasn't actually shared the secret. I might speculate that cases like those are even more likely to lead to cheating than normal. I was basing my thoughts around a situation where at least the necessary trust had already been established where the AB/DL felt comfortable enough to share.

Anyway, thanks for the discussion, everyone.

Check your assumptions! I've been married over 25 years and my secret is still secret. Do to a cheating first husband my wife's only pre-marital condition was "fidelity." If anything my diapers are my other woman. Being a DL is not cheating on my wife. And what do you really mean when you refer to "emotiional cheating?"

HAPPINESS IS WEARING COTTON DIAPERS

[sarah_ab]

we can all thank dr. phil for this new found term emotional cheating..

according to dr phil, if a say a man and a woman are together, and that man's best friend is a female, and he hangs out with her and shares with her things bout himself that he may not tell his wife, then he is emotionally cheating.. likewise is a woman goes and hangs out with a man and shares things about herself, including feelings, that she does not share with her husband then she is emotionally cheating on him. (assuming both in the relationship are heterosexual for this scenario because dr phil does not address homosexual relationships) Course its unclear if this man or woman's friend of the opposite gender is a homosexual does this still constitute emotional cheating.

personally i think its a load of crap myself.

[curiositykilledthecat]

bahh, people are people.

[PampersPete]

Dr. Philmydiaper is a fuckin' douchebag!

[Heven]

Credit should go where credit is due, and Dr. Phil certainly did not come up with that idea. The split between sexual and emotional cheating has been a part of relationship psychology since close to its inception. Studies have pretty conclusively shown that men take much stronger offense to the former than the latter, and women vice versa. It might be easier to think of it in comparing love minus lust to lust minus love.

To babylin, I only speculate that a person in your situation is more likely to cheat, not that you necessarily will. More power to you if you've stayed faithful. As for what really constitutes cheating, I agree with tcc. It's subjective, and we make our own meanings. Of course, as the relationship is an agreement between partners, it's helpful if the two can agree on a loose definition.

[tcc]

Okay, I'll throw something else into the fray.

I just damaged my marriage almost beyond repair because I chose to binge with alcohol and got out of control. I won't go into details. I'm still in the dog house - though still married - and will be for some time. I damaged a slowly grown trust almost to the point of breaking.

In talking to my wife, she referred to alcohol as "my mistress". My wife was not here when I was drinking, and was not a part of what went on. In that respect, because alcohol, in fact, is poison to me, and I "got together", on the sly, I WAS cheating on my wife.

Doing our DL thing "on the sly" emotional cheating? I think it more depends upon the people involved. If you can have sex outside of marriage, but are very religious, is it fornication or are you able to "overlook" THAT part of your religiosity or theology because you don't agree with it? Do we deal with strict "standards" or a certain "morality" - what is accepted or not - or is it a sliding scale, depending upon the people involved and the group you may be a part of?

There is no black and white, and I agree with what some have been emphatic about - there's a lot of psychobabble out there. Ultimately, it depends upon the individual to decide what they are comfortable with or not, and how they will handle the situation if they've not totally paved the way for what they do and the damage control needed if what they do DOES blow up in their face.

2 more cents from a 40 yr. DL...

[Baby Bethany]

There is a theory that we are more faithful to our partners because once we manage to find an accepting partner we'd be a fool to risk that, but I don't go with this thinking. I've known guys into this that have messed about with other women, and yeah you could argue that if their partner finds out she may expose their secret, but most people that cheat on a partner simply don't think of the consequences of getting caught.

On another level, when I kept this from my wife for 12 years was I cheating on her? I know I wasn't messing about with another woman, but I was still sneaking around behind her back and telling lies about where I'd been.......it often felt like having an affair. And of course, you still might be tempted to visit an AB nanny, which to me is a form of cheating. I know many of you would say it's not, because you're not having sex with her/him. But having another adult diaper you behind your partners back is to my mind, pretty much being unfaithful.

Beth

[tcc]

To second the emotion of Beth, with another penny or two, a person who is prone to cheating will almost always cheat, no matter WHAT they are into. It doesn't make it right or justify it. It just often IS.

Now, let's take it a step further. Look at the banner at the top of this column. There is a woman in diapers. We see her, we may lust after her, but we look. Are we turned off? Look at the SITE we are on! For the AB or DL, looking at photos of women or men in diapers, and being turned on, is, in effect, OUR "porn". And, in divorce cases, what often comes up? "Oh, he wasn't into me anymore. He was too busy with internet porn." And, what does HE say? "I turned to internet porn because SHE wasn't attentive to MY needs anymore. I had to have stimulation and release SOMEWHERE/SOMEHOW." So, is involvement in PORN cheating? No, there's no actual SEX, but there can be self-gratification! Is THAT "sex"? In denial of sharing that release with a partner "cheating"? And, then, we can question "What IS 'porn'?" Are photos of other diapered adults - paid models or real-life practitioners - any less, any more or the same as a Playboy centerfold or Playgirl playmate of the month!?

In a Puritan world, we would not even be having this discussion because of censorship. In a wide-open world like in Rome centuries ago, this forum would be unbelievably wide open. Hopefully, in OUR world of today, we've reached some sort of happy medium, though we all will not agree on what is right, what is wrong and the definition of everything we question and practice. The original question was fabulous; the ensuing discussion has been enlightening and delightful to bandy about! Thank you to all have been and are participating!

[pamperedbabyandrew]

I didn't read all the previous posts but just tossing my thoughts in the pot. I've been with the same partner for almost 9 years now, and she has known about my AB side for about 7 of those years (told her about 2 years in). I've never considered cheating on her as it is just not the thing to do. If you commit to someone and your willing to share all of your personal quirks, then you shouldn't have the need to find someone else. I'm happy to be with her and happy that she understands my AB side, so there's never a day I would want to cheat on her.

[tcc]

I didn't read all the previous posts but just tossing my thoughts in the pot. I've been with the same partner for almost 9 years now, and she has known about my AB side for about 7 of those years (told her about 2 years in). I've never considered cheating on her as it is just not the thing to do. If you commit to someone and your willing to share all of your personal quirks, then you shouldn't have the need to find someone else. I'm happy to be with her and happy that she understands my AB side, so there's never a day I would want to cheat on her.

The issue IS that YOU have an acceptant partner. One of the main issues brought up originally is the need to satisfy and fulfill one's SELF, MINUS the benefit of an acceptant partner. Is THAT, then, cheating? Whether it is the thing to do or NOT, was not the original issue. You're right. If you commit to someone, then you shouldn't want to or have to find someone else to satisfy your indulgences. However, in the REAL world, it doesn't always work that way. And, when guys can get sexual satisfaction, they go to hookers. When fetishists can't get fulfillment at home, they seek out dommes. I'm not saying it's right, or it's fair, but it IS what it IS, and the WAY it IS, for some in our society. You are fortunate. Your partner accepts and encourages and participates. What does a person do, who IS committed to their partner, but craves nothing but a little EXTRA fulfillment, maybe "spice" or "adventure" (adult play, kink, etc.), but has reached a brick wall, a dead-end, an absolute "no way" with their significant other. Humans are fallible and humans are week. The sex drive is incredibly strong for some and the opportunity to find fulfillment an incredible opiate. You are lucky your partner didn't tell you to take a hike, waiting two years before opening up to her. My lawyer told me that I was far from the first client he had had where diapers - their desire for, their wear, their use, by choice - was brought up in a divorce proceedings! Obviously, it's the two people involved that must decide upon the parameters of what cheating IS. And, then, it's for them to deal with, if cheating has gone on. Yet another two cents...

[Aurelius]

I think this is a silly topic, but I agree having a strong fetish decreases the desire to cheat. There is some credibility to that.

More than that though, it is our individual morality. I've only had two love interests in my life (neither of which actually got going to any meaningful extent) so I would be thrilled to even have a girlfriend - who would then be so important to me that it would take something very serious to split us up, I expect. Cheating is dishonest either way. If your relationship for any reason is not working you talk about it; you don't go throwing the whole thing out the window over some petty dispute or issue. If you can not make up your differences it is better to end it. Cheating will end badly for everyone, ultimately.

[sarah_ab]

i think it was mentioned here, but what is considered cheating is a very individual thing between the couple. For example i have two friends who have been married for over 20 years have three incredible children, all adults now, both are swingers, and have had multiple partners both shared with each other and individually. To them this is not cheating, it is something they both understand about each other. to others, this would be completely unacceptable and considered cheating.

for some people, if their SO looks at porn on the internet, in magazines, watches movies while alone etc... this is considered cheating, for others, its a non issue.

So you may know of an ab/dl who engages in some form of diaper play outside their relationship, but perhaps their SO knows about it and does not consider it cheating...

[Baby Bethany]

I think cheating for the most part is decieving your partner. If me and my partner both like the idea of a threesome and we find another girl or guy to join us for some sexy fun, that to me is not cheating. The same applies to us both going to a swinging party. I don't think I'm cheating on my wife with porn, because she knows what porn I have and she often shops for it and looks at it with me.

I would just like to comment on a couple of points that TC made about visiting a dom or prostitute. I don't think it is the case that most guys will visit a dom or prostitute if they enjoy a fetish that their partner won't provide. I think that most guys will just fantasise about it/act it out in private. Let's face it, visiting a dom to act out your fetish is expensive and risky. Equally, I don't think guys only have affairs because their partner won't satisfy them in bed. Many guys are satisfied with what their partner does in bed, but they just want sex with a different woman. In some cases guys (especialy guys my age and older) will pull women, just so they can prove to themselves that they still have what it takes.

Beth

[sarah_ab]

In some cases guys (especialy guys my age and older) will pull women, just so they can prove to themselves that they still have what it takes.

which just goes to show all old men are dirty

[tcc]

With all the comment that has been made, we could be splitting hairs in some areas and to some degree. That's fine and that's what an open forum and a lively discussion needs.

For me, my wife knew about a male DL friend that I had been friends with, and whom I had diapered from time to time, BEFORE she made a committment to me AND my DL life/world. While we live 70 miles apart due to work and other circumstances, she KNOWS that we still get together - my place, even though he is divorced, is a little sanctuary for him, when he can do his thing freely and comfortably - but I have withdrawn from diapering him. And, typical of a male situation, he never diapered ME - you know, typical top/bottom type of situation - though we never had any sexual interaction.

So, for my wife and me, our interaction is not considered "cheating", and especially now that I have gotten her to JOIN me in diaper play infrequently, with her open-mindedness letting her find out she ENJOYS it - being diapered and wetting - if I connect with any other DLs or end up planning on going to and attending any DL/AB gatherings someplace, she will be WITH me. I guess, as has been well stated a number of times, if what you do is on the sly, without your partner's knowledge - especially knowing you would most likely NOT have their approval, and have to worry about "being caught" with what you are doing - which might damage or END a relationship, I think a person COULD pretty well consider their actions and activity "cheating".

Bottom line, it takes two to tango, and if your partner tangos along with you, you should be fine...