Alex Bridges

And it ends up in a landfill or river anyway Really just looking to solve the plastic bag problem. Maybe i need to try paper bags and see how well they do.

And the winner is the one who was smart enough to buy Abena. The losers in Depends went home in wet pants.

I know what you meant and I take no offense. I’m just giving you a hard time and trying to set some expectations because I, too, know it can be disappointing to have to wait a long time between updates. I’m glad you like the story enough to feel that way at just the prospect of having to wait. ?

I wear disposables, like most people here. I wear probably about 12/7, so each week it definitely adds up. My trash smells even tho I just wet, so I started buying 2-gallon ziplock bags, which hold up to 3 used diapers. Way more effective than using plastic grocery bags. No problem with the smell anymore. But it’s bad enough I’m generating all the refuse that the diapers themselves, parts of which will outlast me. Adding plastic bags makes it even worse. Is there such a thing as biodegradable, yet mostly odor-proof, bad suitable for disposing of disposable, adult-sized diapers? Or does anyone have any other ideas that don’t include my guests wondering why my house smells like a nursery, and not in a good way? Switching to cloth, which are better but not perfect for the environment, is not an option. Thanks

I lied. This is hardly the entire chapter, but given where I've stopped, there's no reason not to post it. Enjoy! ____________________________________ Chapter 13, Part 1 “What are we doing today,” Jamie asked after his breakfast or pureed fruit. It felt good to be back on something other than liquid, though he really liked the formula. Still, he missed chewing, and that was still several weeks away. “I don’t know yet,” Becky replied. “Did you have anything in mind?” “Not really.” “You’re bored, huh?” “Well, pretty much been the house since I got here, other than a couple errands.” “Well, why don’t I call Jane and see if she and Rosie want to do something with us. You can go play meanwhile.” Jamie toddled off to find Amanda, who was in the shower, apparently. Not that he’d have minded just sitting in there while she did that. Jamie didn’t think of her that way, he just enjoyed being by her side, and he didn’t have much else to do. So he went to his room and got his bear, then sat down in his chair with one of the books he got. He was surprised by it. It had, at best, young adult themes, but it was written well enough to be absorbing. “Oh, Jamie,” he heard Becky coming up the stairs. “We’re gonna go to the beach and meet Jane and Rosie. I’m going to pull our things together, and I’ll be back in a bit to get you dressed, okay?” “Okay.” Of all the places to go, the beach would have been Jamie’s last pick. Staying home sounded better. But having asked to do something different, he knew he couldn’t back out now. He liked the beach, loved it even. But here? A beach, the most public of public places. He tried to turn back to his reading, but he kept picturing himself waddling out of the water with half the ocean in his pants. “Hey! I heard you’re going to the beach.” Amanda smelled like flowers he hadn’t smelled before. “Yeah,” he feigned some enthusiasm.” “Can I come?” “Of course!” “Mom’s getting a bunch of stuff ready. How about I get you dressed?” Amanda started rooting through the closet. “Ok … what am I gonna wear to the beach?” “Well, I figured this would be a good chance to break out the sailor suit. I mean, we were gonna save it for a religious holidays and christening ships, but now that think on it, that’s just dumb. If you can’t wear a sailor suit to the beach, you might as well just have the hat and not the suit, right?” Jamie knew when he was being put on. It actually made him feel good. Kids don’t get sarcasm; it’s mean to be sarcastic with kids. That Amanda would joke this way with him just showed she respected him. “Unless you’d like to wear something else …?” “Um, how about a bathing suit and a t-shirt?” “That’s what I like about you, Jamie. You’re stylish yet understated. Let’s get you changed.” She lifted him on the changing table, and he held up his arms by instinct. She unzipped his sleeper, and as she put in the hamper he reclined on the pad. The few minutes of time without a diaper he got each day were pleasant for him. Just feeling air where he rarely felt it was nice, and that the time coincided with baths, which he also loved, and with Amanda paying such gentle attention to him was extra special. Wanting a toilet to use above anything else, he been timing his voiding for when Amanda would be around next. It didn’t always work, but two out of every three changes were done by her. It was that Becky wasn’t just as good at it. It was just that, between the two of them, he preferred in pretty much all things, and if he couldn’t choose where to empty himself, he could choose when and thus who changed him. “Um … Amanda, I, uh … I can’t swim in this, can I?” “Not unless you want to carry around about 4 liters of sea water with you. We have some swim diapers for you.” “Oh.” Was that a good thing or a bad thing? She had him in swim trunks and a t-shirt in another minute and put sandals on his feet. He already had a tan from spending so much time out in the backyard. In fact, having been chained to a desk, he hadn’t been this tan in years. “Let’s go wait in the living room for mom.” She helped him down, and the two of them went to the living room. ‘We’ turned out to be Jamie, whom Amanda lifted into the playpen while she went to go get herself ready. Jaime didn’t mind. He’d left his coloring book in there. Jamie sort of liked the play pen. If he sat against the side away from the center of the room, he could still see out through the mesh, but he was a little more hidden. Becky came crashing up the stairs with chairs; then she went back down and came crashing up with a mesh bag full of beach toys; then she went down and came crashing back up with an umbrella. This is quite the production, Jamie thought. Becky had worked up a sweat. She decided to go get herself ready next, as Amanda came down wearing a T-shirt dress and carrying a backpack. “What happened to you?” “I was getting stuff from the basement.” “I’d have helped, Mom.” “It’s alright. How ‘bout you go make us a lunch while I change?” So Amanda went and filled a cooler with water and food for them, and that went to the car, too. It wasn’t a large car. This seemed a bit much to Jamie; they were just taking a day trip to a beach, and he thought they lived near it. He told himself to remember to ask for a map. At last, Becky came back downstairs in a new outfit carrying an overstuffed pool bag in her arm, which she set down, went back down the hall, and came back with Jamie’s diaper bag. “Are we ready?” Jamie didn’t know who she was asking. “Yeah, Mom. So long as we don’t forget Jamie,” Amanda said as she came back into the living room and lifted him from the playpen. I could live with that, Jamie wanted to say. Even from his low vantage point, Jamie could see the back of the car was filled with stuff. He had a lot of beach experience and knew you didn’t need all this. Not unless you were taking kids. Oh, he thought. This presented a dilemma. Jamie didn’t feel compelled to use eight buckets and five shovels and a sifter and a net. But so much work went into bringing it, he felt he had to. As Amanda buckled him in, he asked, “Will you sit in the back with me.” “Sure, buddy!” She went around to the other side and climbed in. Becky had them headed toward the beach. “So, what did you want to talk about?” “Rose.” “Ah. You want to know what she’s like?” “Yeah.” “I used to babysit her.” “Why don’t you anymore?” “School, and because Jane’s neighbor’s daughter is old enough to now, and she’s cheaper than I am.” “So, what is she like then?” “She’s about your age.” That was confusing. “Which … of my … ages?” Did that even make sense? “Your Little age. I think she’s older than you where you’re from.” “How long has she been here?” “I want to say twelve years.” “So she decided to stay then.” “Yep. She’s always been a happy little Little.” “Does Jane have any kids?” “No, she says she never wanted any. After a while, she decided she wanted a Little though.” “But …. How is that different?” “It …” That was a good question. Having a Little was arguably more work than a kid. Kids grow up and need less care. Only a handful of Littles grow up. Some grow up a bit and then stop, and most stay the way they arrived, or even go backward. “I guess I’m not sure.” “But it is different, though, right? I mean …” He had trouble wrapping his head around it, too. Amanda tried again. “I think, maybe … maybe Jane liked the idea of always having someone who depended on her, and being able to take care of her forever.” “But, doesn’t your mom do that for you?” Such a sweet guy, Amanda thought. “Ya know, you’re right. She does. But I think every parent is torn. A part of them wants to see their child grow up and get to know the person they become, and a part of them wants their child to stay young, even so young that they need their moms and dads for everything.” That made sense to Jamie. “That makes sense. So how far is the beach anyway?” “It’s on the other side of that hill.” She pointed to the ridge on their left. “Maybe when we get home, you could show me a map of where we live.” They pulled into a sandy parking lot filled with cars like Becky’s. From his seat, Jamie could see other people unloading as much junk as they had. Jamie had no idea what time it was, but he was feeling tired and figured it must be near his morning nap time. “Chill here; we’ll get some stuff out first.” Jamie kicked his legs for no reason, his feet dangling low so they didn’t hit the seat. The hatch of the car opened, and it sounded like all but a few things fell out. Becky got the entire car seat out with Jamie still in it and secured into the stroller. She looked at Jamie and at the pile. “Can you walk?” “Of course I can.” Does she think I’m gonna forget how? Jamie found himself next to the stroller, and as much as they could fit ended up in it, under it, or hanging from it. From stroller to luggage. Still, they’d need to make more than one trip. Jaime appraised himself. This was the most normal outfit he’d worn since he got there, even if the shirt had a whale on it. The swimsuit did nothing to disguise what he had underneath, but catching glimpses of other Littles between the cars as they walked past, he counted himself lucky he wasn’t wearing a speedo, or nothing but a diaper. He remembered people taking their babies around like that in public back home, and he always wondered what possessed a parent to do that. It was hardly dignified for the child, and it wasn’t exactly polite to the people around them either: here, it said, this my child and the thing they void their bowels into; we thought you’d enjoy it more if there wasn’t even a layer of cotton to obscure the view. “And we’re off.” Amanda held Jamie’s hand as they crossed the parking lot, looking both ways. They headed toward the boardwalk. Jamie looked at the sand: white and fine. There was sand like that at home, but he’d never seen it in person. A dozen trash cans, some overflowing, were near the entrance to the boardwalk; that part he did remember from home. They boardwalk was long. Thankfully Amanda and Becky slowed down so he didn’t have to speed-walk to keep up. When they finally came in sight of the sea, Jamie stopped walking and took in the scene. He smiled; a tear fell from his eye, the good kind. “Honey, is everything okay,” Becky asked. “Yeah. It looks like home.” The two of them waited for his cue before they walked on. At the foot of the boardwalk ramp were two dozen other strollers. It was still early in the day; Jamie could at least tell that from the sun, and it wasn’t as warm yet as it would be. He wondered if things would get busier or if this was it. Jamie was handed his diaper bag and the sack of beach toys, and Becky and Amanda shouldered the chairs and umbrella and beach bag. They turned left from the boardwalk. Their feet slipped a little each time they pushed off the balls of their feet, the rubber soles of their sandals squeaking with each step. It was a little hard on the calves, just like Jamie remembered. The salt in the air; the smell of sea life; those were familiar, too. After a few hundred meters, they saw Jane wave to them. She trotted over and took the toy bag. “More toys! Exactly what we need,” she chuckled. “Good morning, Jaime. Are you excited for your first time at the beach here?” “Good morning, Jane. I am. I missed it more than I thought.” “Rosie can’t wait to meet you.” They reach the spot Jane had picked out, just above where the surf stopped; he could feel the tide had only stopped washing over the area an hour or two ago. The sand wasn’t dry; it was spongy and cool, not hard like the packed sand the waves still lapped over. Rosie didn’t pay them much attention. She was seated with her legs under her, working on something in the sand in front of her. She had an array of buckets and tools to work with. “Rosie,” Jane said as she knelt down and touched her on the shoulder, “I want you to meet Jamie.” Jane’s voice was odd, he thought. Rosie turned around, and Jamie saw what she’d been working on – a wet mound of sand. He looked her up and down. One-piece bathing suit with polka dots and ruffles on her butt, clearly padded underneath. She had black hair and olive skin. He couldn’t tell how old she really was; it was impossible to know because of the cosmetic work the doctors did, the same ones that make him lose his facial and body hair and look and feel so much younger. When she turned all the way around, he saw she was blushing, and when she spoke, she rushed the words out: “Hi, Jamie. I’m Rosie. Wanna help me build a castle?” Jamie hadn’t considered it, and no one had told him. She’s regressed, he realized.

What a wonderful compliment. Thank you. And sorry, no update today. Maybe not until Thursday. There’s a lot I want to in this next chapter, and frankly, I’m just tired. Every time I lay down on my couch with my laptop the last few days, I feel an overwhelming urge to close my eyes. I’m gonna follow that feeling.

I’m glad it makes you happy. Writing it makes me happy, too.

That's an odd name for a diaper. As in, the 'forsite' to know you're gonna load your pants? I like the Under the Sea ones. I haven't tried them; I just mean I like the idea. A print diaper for incontinent people, as if to say this doesn't have to be miserable and it's okay to find accept it for what it is AND to even find some fun in it if you want to. I think that would be a revolutionary attitude adjustment for people who need diapers and the people who care for them. All the mainstream brands (Depend, etc.) market themselves primarily for being discrete, and there's nothing wrong with wanting discretion (I do, too), and having a printed diaper isn't the same as not being discrete, it's just that the motivation behind the desire to be discrete is that, whether you feel it or not, it's something to be ashamed of. A print doesn't say "don't be discrete;" it just says "it's nothing to be ashamed about - here, you can even have a little fun with it."

I didn't doubt it. Those folks live in the world, too. If we forget, they remind us. Hope you like this next installment. __________________________________________________ And chapter 12. There's something I'm trying to work toward, and I'm not sure if this chapter did it or not. I started out with a scene in mind that I quickly changed to this scenario, which I think is better and, within the story, more consistent and authentic with the world I've created. In other news, Daylight Savings Time should be all the time. Anyone who disagrees should go eat worms. __________________________________________________ Chapter 12 After a night’s rest and a thorough bath, Jamie was ready to write to Cheryl. My Forever Friend, Cheryl, I’m called Jamie now. Amanda picked it out, I think. You were right about her. No one has ever been so nice to me, except you. She calls me her buddy. She makes it bearable here so far. Becky and I got off to a rougher start. At first, it was like she was so blinded by her idea of a Little that she didn’t how I was different. She’s never been less than kind, but sometimes inconsiderate. But Amanda talked to her. I don’t know what she said, but Becky apologized. She promised if I trusted her and gave her another chance to show me she loved me, I’d come to love her and even heal, she said. I don’t know what that means, ‘heal.’ If it means to forget, I’d rather stay broken. Do you think that’s what I am? I don’t want to be a pity case. There are some thing I hadn’t anticipated, and if I had, I don’t know that I’d have come. They’re hard sometimes, but not everything about them is bad. They threw an arrival party for me yesterday. I like Amanda’s uncle Danny and aunt Laurie, and Becky’s best friend, Jane. Jane has a Little named Rose. Becky’s mom seems like a piece of work. I sorta made fun of her, but honestly, I don’t feel guilty about it, and everyone else thought it was funny. Except Becky, but she didn’t seem mad either. I’m going to get to me Rose eventually. I haven’t gotten to meet any other Littles yet. I saw some in a store. Most of them seemed regressed. I think I’ll feel better when I get to talk to some Littles and hear their perspective on things. They have to have some tips and tricks to make things easier. Other than that trip to the store, I haven’t gone out yet. I had several surgeries, and between that and the time difference, I’m tired a lot. The surgeries don’t hurt very much anymore, but I guess I’m still mending. About that trip to the store. Some random lady just came right up and pinched me cheek, and then when I got mad she did it again! Like she didn’t even hear me! I’m nervous about meeting other Bigs, not because I’m worried they’ll be mean to me but because they’ll treat me like she did, like I’m not a full person. I try to tell myself it will be okay as long as Becky and Amanda are around, but I know at some point, when summer ends, they won’t be around all the time. I’m trying to prepare myself for it, but sometimes it’s easier not to think about it. Every day is pretty much the same; that’s comforting, in a way. I think it will get boring eventually, but so far it’s better, I think. Most of my day is spent with Amanda. It’s a bit embarrassing, but when I do get bored, I follow her around. She never gets tired of me, though. She usually picks me up and keeps doing what she was doing, or else she stops and we talk or she helps me find something fun to do. It seems I never go long but I’m with her or she comes to me, I like that. She makes me feel ... I’m not sure. I just want to be with her most of the time. I have two people who love me. I don’t know if I’d can say with sincerity I have that depth of feeling for them, even for Amanda. It would be absurd to, right? I’ve known them little more than a week. Thank you so much for the presents you gave me. They were each so thoughtful. The bear is ... I’ve never had anything that was important to me. He sleeps with me. Sometimes I carry him around the house. I know it’s silly; it’s just a teddy bear. But because it’s from you ... I don’t understand how a teddy bear could make me feel so much better when it’s just a bear. But it does. I’ve only heard its voice once. It hurt so bad, hearing your voice and not seeing you, and not knowing when I’ll see you again, I don’t think I can hear it again. But knowing your voice is inside there makes me feel that I’ve not lost you. I haven’t, have I? There are times when I’m afraid I’m pretending, or maybe don’t even know I’m pretending. Do I feel such affection for Amanda because I have her with me and not you? Is the bear just a substitute? Your words are always a great comfort to me. Not hearing them every day leaves a void. I can’t tell if Amanda is filling that void in my heart, or if my heart grows each day to make a space for her. I can’t say I’m unhappy, but neither am I happy. I don’t know what this feeling is. There are moments, many of them, when I smile and laugh and have fun and suppose am I happy. But it feels like those moments end, and then there’s just the uncertainty. What am I doing here? Did I trade for a better world, or did I just trade for a new world to be sad in? I can’t foresee where this all ends. Amanda can’t tell me that, or Becky. They know where they want it to end, and they believe it will; they seem so sure of it. I want to be sure of it, too, and I try to will myself to have their confidence, but I can’t, or when I can it only keeps away the doubt so long. I never doubted your word. When you were sure, I was sure. Can you tell me, where does this road go? I thought I was scared when I left you. I thought that was the hard part, and it was so hard, harder than anything I’ve done, and I’ve done what’s hard. I had to do what was hard, and then I chose to do what was hard. Then I chose to walk away from all that, as far as I thought I could walk. The road didn’t end, Cheryl. Maybe I deluded myself into thinking it would, or else chose not to think on it because I didn’t want to know. As there’s a path still to tread, I guess I have to keep walking. It feels more like a limp. Cheryl, do you know where this road goes? Do you know the way? Your Forever Friend, Jamie PS, Becky sings a song to me every night. Its last verse make me think of you. Though sad fate our lives may sever Parting will not last forever, There's a hope that leaves me never, All through the night _­­­­­­­­­­­_____________________________________________________________________________ “Where are we going?” Jamie had asked once already and had not gotten a straight answer. Were they trying to surprise him with something? He doubted it. “You'll see,” Becky answered. Amanda kept silent. Jamie gave up and watched the houses go by out the window. Everything reminded him of pictures of ancient Rome, not because things were ornate but because they were so massive. Not being told put him in a suspicious mood bordering on irritated. They pulled into the parking lot of a long, rectangular, brick building. Jamie was allowed to walk into the building, but he had to hold Becky’s hand. He wanted to ask Amanda what was going in; surely she’d level with him, but he never got the chance. Once in the building, he saw the sign board listing names and initials behind them. This is a medical building. Why not tell him he was going to the doctor if nothing was wrong? But he felt fine. Were they going to do something to him? They rode the elevator to the third floor and went into a waiting room filled with Little and their Bigs. Amanda took Jamie to find a chair while Becky registered them. Littles were sitting next to their Bigs, some were in strollers or carriers, some were playing on the floor with toys. Some looked sick, and some, like Jamie, looked fine. Their Little ages ran from new born to child. He could easily tell some of them were regressed by their faces and body language. Their eyes looked bright enough, but their hands and arms jerked when they tried to move them; nothing was smooth. Or else they had control of their gross motor skills, but no their fine; one held a sippy cup with both hands, while another smashed two toy cars together. He looked happy, but he also looked like he wasn’t capable of any game much more complex than that. Only one other Little, besides Jamie, looked completely with it. “Jamie,” a nurse called out as she opened the door. She held the door and then showed the three of them to an examination room. “The nurse will be in shortly.” Jamie heard loud crying from the room next door; he was out of patience. “Why are we here?” “It’s just a check-up.” “And?” “And that’s it.” “Why didn’t you just tell me that?” “Well, I know the doctor can be scary.” Yeah, Jamie though, when you’re five, and not knowing can be scary too. It would make sense if he was regressed, but he wasn’t. There was a knock on the door and it opened before they could answer. Guess doctors do that here, too, Jamie mused. Becky stood up to greet the young woman who came in. “Hi,” she said, “I’m Dawn. I’m one of Dr. Perkins’ nurses.” Becky answered back for the three of them. “Hi Dawn. I’m Rebecca, this is Amanda, and of course, this is Jamie.” Though he was seated on the exam table, Dawn still had to bend down slightly to look him in the eye. “Hello, Jamie. I’m Nurse Dawn. It’s a big day for you, isn’t it? Are you ready for your first physical?” She said it as though speaking to an actual infant, her voice pitched higher than when she spoke to Becky. “Actually, I’ve had, like, 50 of these.” “Ohho, well today you get your first real one.” Was that a shot at me or human medicine, he wondered. “I’m not regressed.” “I know. It says so right here in your chart. Arms up.” Her tone didn’t change. Jamie looked at Becky, who was smiling weakly. “It’s okay, honey, she's just going to undress you.” “I can do it.” Rather than reply, Dawn lifted his arms for him and pulled off his shirt, pushed him back gently, and then removed his shoes, socks, and pants. Jamie looked pleadingly at Becky and Amanda. He wasn’t sure why; maybe because she was being so patronizing, and because this was the first time someone other than the two of them saw him in just a diaper. The nurse lifted his wrist and took his pulse. Jamie preferred to not look at her. With a tug on one and then other hip, Jamie heard his diaper being opened and felt the cool air. It made him need to pee. “Oh my, goodness,” Dawn squeaked, “someone is all dry.” Jamie rolled his eyes. “Yeah, which one of us,” he asked in his driest voice. Amanda had to cover her mouth to stifle her laughter. Even Becky chuckled. Dawn didn’t get it. “We need to get a quick urine sample.” Finally, Jamie thought, I can show them I can control my bladder. He started to sit up, and Dawn pushed him back down. “It’s a lot easier to go standing up,” he said. She shushed him. “It’s alright, honey. I know this doesn’t feel very good.” "What doesn't? What are you doing?" She didn't answer. She took his penis in her hand and began wiping the end of it with a something wet. He cringed. Before he could over it, he suddenly felt something wet and just above freezing being rubbed in circles over this bladder, and he felt an irresistible urge to pee, which he did. He heard it hitting the plastic of a specimen. Jamie wasn’t sure if he had purposefully let his urine go or not. The need was so urgent, he couldn’t tell if he instantly relaxed or lost control. He was embarrassed and angry. “What did you just do?” “Sorry, kiddo, I know that was cold.” “That …” Before he could finish, Dawn flipped him over. “Did you bring a stool sample?” Jamie blanched. “Right here.” Becky reached into her purse and pulled out a plastic bag with an opaque specimen cup inside. Jamie put his head back down. Screw this, he thought, resigning himself to being a passive participant. Or at least he did until he felt a very large hand spreading his butt cheeks apart. “HEY!” Jamie struggled to get up, but Dawn pushed him back down. Amanda interjected. “Could you be a little gentler, please?” To everyone’s astonishment, Dawn answered with, “Aww, aren’t you just the cutest Big sister. Don’t worry, baby, it won’t hurt.” Amanda scowled and shot back, “I’m not regressed either, lady.” Dawn had already turned back to the task at hand. Becky intervened. “This way is much more accurate for Littles, trust me.” She stepped forward and put a hand on Jamie’s back, gently, but he knew she’d hold him down if she needed to. Jamie tried coming to his own defense. “Can we talk about this! I mean, what’s so bad about being off a tenth of degree. That’s not ...” He was cut off mid-sentence by a greasy finger entering his backside. “Ow! Take that out! Do you even fucking hear me?” “Shh,” was Becky’s response, which she meant well, but it did nothing to make Jamie feel better. The finger was withdrawn and something much thinner was inserted. Jamie would have tried to get up, but holding perfectly still seemed the wise option. He laid with his cheek pressed to the table, thinking, fuck this and all y’all. After fifteen seconds, the thermometer was removed. Dawn folded the diaper back over Jamie’s butt and announced, “The doctor will be in just a minute.” “I’m sorry, baby, I know that wasn’t nice, but it was necessary,” Becky said as she stroked his back. Jamie huffed in response. “Amanda,” he asked. “Yeah, buddy?” She stepped up to the exam table, and Jamie subtly titled his eyes. She caught the signal and bent down so he could whisper in her ear. Amanda nodded and opened the diaper bag, took out wipe, then folded back the diaper again and cleaned the lubricant from between his cheeks. “Thank you.” There was another knock, and again another woman came in without waiting for a response. “Hi! I’m Dr. Perkins. You must be Rebecca.” “Becky, please.” “So, his first physical.” Jamie was getting a headache. “May I?” It wasn’t a question as she stepped forward and placed what Jamie could tell was a cold stethoscope on his back. “I don’t even have to be here for this,” Jamie said. “Shh. Be very quiet for me, babe.” Jamie’s inevitable sigh coincided with her request he take a deep breath. “Can you be a big boy and roll over for me?” Becky said something this time. “Yes, because he’s not regressed.” “Oh! I’m sorry. Sometimes we just forget!” But the apology was to Becky, not Jamie. He turned himself over, and she put the stethoscope back on his chest, then his belly. She probed around his abdomen. “Any complaints?” “Just an upset tummy last week. It cleared up in a day.” She folded the diaper down and checked Jamie’s privates. To her credit, she was gentle. Finally, the doctor spoke to Jamie. “I’m go to press in a few places, and I want you to tell me if it hurts.” He nodded, and she pushed gently around his stomach, pubic mound, hips and joints. “There,” Jamie winced. “Here?” “Uh huh.” “Okay, sorry.” She turned her attention back to Becky. “Well, that’s normal for the surgery he had. He’s healing at the right rate. He’s moving around alright?” “Yes. He gets tired easily, though.” “That’s to be expected. I don’t see anything different from what the doctors at the hospital noted. He looks healthy and well developed.” “Then can I get up?” She ignored him. “How’s he tolerating his diet.” “Hey! Can you please address me, dammit!” James sat himself up and did his best to look deserving of respect, albeit nude. The doctor turned and look at him with a blank expression for a few second before turning back to Becky. “There are things we do to manage his behavioral outbursts, such as medication.” Becky cut her off. “No, thank you.” Now Perkins look at Becky blankly and turned to Amanda, who looked livid. “Alright. I’ll have Dawn come back in and give him his vaccination, and then you’re free to go.” She left. Becky sighed. “Sorry, Jamie. Let’s get you redressed.” Becky was getting his shoe on by the time Dawn came in. “Alright. So this will only take a sec.” Dawn laid out a syringe, alcohol wipe, and band-aid on the exam table next to Jamie. “What’s the shot for?” Dawn ignored him. “Becky?” “It’s just a vaccination. You got some in the hospital but will need some boosters.” He nodded. Amanda stepped forward and took his hand. “Squeeze if it hurts, buddy.” Dawn rolled up his sleeve and rubbed his arm vigorously with the alcohol wipe. “Are you gonna be brave for me?” She pinched his arm to make the needle slide in easier. It looked no different than any other needle he’d been stuck with. “What’s the big deal? I’ve gotten shots …” Dawn inserted the need and depressed the plunger. Jamie’s lips quivered. Agony. Pure agony, like he’d been stabbed by a rhinoceros horn! He burst into tears and proceeded to wail while crushing Amanda’s fingers. Dawn put a bandaid over the spot. Jamie’s arm felt limp. “He’s all set to go.” “Oh, baby boy, I know it hurts.” Both Becky and Amanda tried to comfort him, and it was only a moment before he got himself under control, though he still lost a few more tears. “What the hell was that? What did she do to me?” Becky rubbed his back. “It was just a shot honey. They hurt.” “Not like that! We have shots where I’m from, too! Did she maim me? Is it bleeding?” Amanda couldn’t help but chuckle at his dramatics. Littles and shots – she didn’t understand how they could overreact so much. “Can we go home?” “I think that’s a good idea.” _­­­­­­­­­­­_____________________________________________________________________________ Once inside, Becky told Jamie, “Go wait for me in your room. I’ll be there in a minute.” Amanda stayed behind. “We have to get a new doctor, Mom. She and her nurse were just awful.” “Agreed. We need to take Jamie out somewhere he can meet Bigs soon. He’s left the house twice so far, and both times were terrible for him. He’s gonna think we’re monsters. But I need to have a little talk with him first. He can’t behave like that and expect to get away with it.” “I know. The books say it’s important to confront Littles as soon after misbehavior as you can.” “Yeah, so I’m gonna go talk to him and then put him down for his nap.” She filled a bottle of water and went to Jamie’s room, where she found him sitting his chair looking tired and rubbing his arm as though he’d been an industrial accident. “Jamie, we need to have a little talk.” She sat down in the rocking chair. “Come over here, please.” Jaime didn’t like where this was going, but her face said it wasn’t a question. He got up and walked to her, and once he was close enough, she leaned out and picked him up, putting in in her lap so they were facing each other. His heart skipped half a beat; the action reminded him of large, fast hands from his childhood. And the moment reminded him just how much at the mercy of her good intentions he was. He figured to head off trouble by apologizing, though what for he wasn’t sure. “Becky, I …” “I’m going to talk first. I don’t like how that doctor and nurse talked to us or treated you. They had no excuse. We’re going to find a new one for you. Okay?” “Thank you.” “But I also don’t like the way you talked to them. When someone is rude to you, you can’t just be rude back. That doesn’t fix things. And your language is not alright. When you get angry or afraid, you need to use appropriate words.” “I know I used some swear words, but overall, I don’t think I said or did anything that was out of line.” “Where you come from, when someone made you angry, is that how you talked to them?” “Well ... no.” “Why not?” “Because it’s just not how I talk to people.” “Why not?” “It would just be wrong; you’re supposed to control those impulses.” “Exactly.” But people didn’t treat me like …” “Like a Little?” His ears burned. “Yeah.” “I like you so much the way you are, Jamie. I like the way you came to us, and I wouldn’t change it for anything. You’re smart and funny and confident. Those are all good things, and it’s important to me you stay that way. Understand?” He nodded. “You are a Little, and that’s such a good thing. Some things are different here, and they’re all for your good, even if you don’t understand why. For instance, Littles get their temperature taken in their bottom. That nurse should have explained things to you as she went along instead of ignoring you. She was wrong about the way she did it, but she did what she needed to do for you.” Jamie wasn’t liking this conversation. Why do Littles get treated differently? That seemed like a whole different conversation, and Jamie didn’t want to solve it just then. He wanted to end the lecture. Still … “But … I’m not stupid. I’ve taken care of myself for a long time.” “Of course you’re not stupid. You’re very, very smart. Remember when we talked about trust? That’s what this is. Rights and responsibilities go hand in hand; you gave up a lot of responsibilities, and that was for the best. But that means some things can’t be up to you. That’s why you have to trust us and let us make some decisions for you, even when you don’t understand why. It takes a lot of courage to trust that much.” That made a certain sense. Someone with no responsibilities but who thinks they can still make decisions when it’s convenient for them is called a brat. Still, there’s a line between trust and credulity. “That … what if I really disagree? Like, I don’t think they do have my interests in mind?” “You ask me or Amanda, or someone you do trust, and then you do what we decide.” “What if the only person is around is someone I don’t know enough to trust?” “Like who?” “I don’t know … a babysitter?” “I wouldn’t put a babysitter in charge of you that I didn’t trust. But, if you ever feel unsafe, you do what you think is best, and we’ll talk about it together later. Okay?” “Okay.” So basically, Jamie thought, my right to do what I want has a limit. He thought back again to the adoption agreement. You have the rights of a minor, which effectively meant he had given up rights, a lot of them. And he wouldn’t ever talk to anyone the way he did to the doctor and nurse, not as an adult. He knew better – it was rude and it made whatever the problem was worse; everyone just dug in their heels more. The tables turned. Jamie used to tell kids in new situations something very much like what Becky told him. These people know best, or I wouldn’t put you with them; you need to do what they say, but if you ever feel unsafe or if they hurt you, tell me or another adult. I just got told to behave myself, in other words, he thought. And overall, he didn’t disagree, at least in theory. Giving up the power to make certain decisions, which he had agreed to do, was something he had to do in order to have the freedom of having less responsibility. I can’t have my cake and eat it too. And he knew trying otherwise wouldn’t help him in the long-run; he’d just be another version of his old self, or worse. “I know it will be hard for you sometimes, especially at first. Sometimes you might not succeed, and we’ll work on it together. Does that make sense?” He could foresee that. No one never misbehaves. What then? One thing at a time, though, he thought. “It makes sense. “It’s your nap time. When you wake up, we can talk again if you have more questions.” She hugged him tightly, undressed him, and kissed him before raising the crib rail and turning off the light. _­­­­­­­­­­­_____________________________________________________________________________ When Jamie woke up some time later. His arm still hurt. He found the bottle of water Becky had left in his crib and started drinking. He never seemed to wait long between waking up from a nap and someone coming to get him. He did his business in anticipation of being clean again very soon. Sure enough, he only had to wait a few minutes. It was Amanda, the person he wanted to see. She shut the door behind her. “Hey, buddy!” She said it in excited voice, a little higher than normal, but it wasn’t like when others did it. She was excited to see him, Jamie knew, and it wasn’t patronizing. He smiled back at her but stayed where he was. She lowered the crib rail and knelt down so she was at his left, and then ran her hand over his back. He was beginning to recognize her hands by the way they felt different from Becky’s, softer, more delicate. In some ways, this was the best part of his day. It was Amanda’s, too. She always took the opportunity when she could to get him up from his naps; it was quality time together. “How about we go straight into some PJs for the rest of the day?” That was fine by Jamie; he was growing to like those sleepers. She picked a pair from his dresser. He wondered how many there were. He’d only worn a couple of them more than once. “Let’s get you cleaned up.” This was also getting so routine that it was losing the power to bother Jamie. So long as he was able to time it right, he didn’t have to endure it long. That it didn’t bother her, or Becky, made him feel at least as though he didn’t have to feel ashamed. “How does your arm feel?” “It still hurts.” “You were very brave.” Jamie blushed. “No I wasn’t.” “Why do you say that?” “Because I cried like an infant.” “Ya know, every day I see people who walk around with some hurt inside them. Are they brave because they don’t cry?” “Well … no.” “So what makes them brave?” “I guess, that they keep going.” “That’s right. Anything else?” Jamie thought about it. “I can’t think of anything.” “How about that when they need to, they ask for help? I think that’s very brave.” “I think so too.” I guess that’s what I did, Jamie thought. “And there’s nothing wrong with a Little letting it out when something hurts a lot. That’s just another way of asking for help.” That made Jamie feel better. It took away some shame. He was clean again. “Manda?” She smiled at him funny. “What did you call me?” He blushed; he hadn’t meant to. “Um … Manda. Sorry.” She ruffled his hair. “Don’t be. I like it.” Jamie smiled. Now he had given her a name, too, even if he didn’t mean to. A name only he knew. “How bad … was I?” He wanted her opinion. It meant the most to him. Zipping up his footies, she picked him up and carried him to the rocking chair. “Can you hear me?” “Of course I can.” “And you’re listening really well?” “Yes … promise.” Was he about to get another lecture? “You weren’t ‘bad,’ Jamie. I don’t think you could be bad if you wanted to. You just made a little mistake. And when that doctor started talking about medicating you, I wanted to make a much bigger mistake than you did. Did you notice what Mom did?” “She just shut down the conversation.” “Right. That was the right way to handle it. The rest of it, they only did what they were supposed to, but it was how they did it. They were very mean to you. Has anyone been mean to you before?” “Of course. Lots.” “When you were a kid, how did you handle it?” “I’d get angry … which didn’t usually work.” “Exactly. You learned better ways to handle it. Ya know what I think happened? I think, without you realizing it, not having a say made you feel you weren’t responsible for what happened next, so you said what felt good even though you really know it wouldn’t help.” Jamie realized Amanda had him totally figured out. He wondered what else she knew. “But you were responsible for some of what could have happened next, weren’t you?” “Yes.” “That can be really hard to remember when we feel powerless, that we only feel that way. What we say and do can make things better or worse.” Jamie certainly knew that was true. There wasn’t much that couldn’t be made worse. “You’re right.” “And I know you know I’m right, because you’re a very smart person. Sometimes we all forget things and make mistakes. That’s another Big sister responsibility, help you avoid those and helping you learn from the ones that get made even though we both try.” Jamie just wrapped her arms around her. He shuddered a bit, to know he was safe with her. She kissed his head and stoked his hair. “Feel better.” “Much. Thank you.” “I’ve got something else for you, too.” She reached around to her back pocket and withdrew an envelope. Jamie’s breath grew a little faster. Excited and nervous. She handed him the letter and he looked at it for a long moment. “Tell you what. How ‘bout you just hang out in here for a while?” She set him on his feet, and he finally looked away from the envelope. “Okay.” Amanda decided to empty the diaper pail, so she took that with he. Before she reached the door, Jamie asked, Manda? What are you doing later?” “After lunch, I thought I’d go lay in the sun for a bit.” “Can I come with you?” “Of course.” When Amanda walked by his room twenty minutes later, Jamie was under his crib, re-reading his letter. _­­­­­­­­­­­_____________________________________________________________________________ Dearest Jamie, What a joy to see your name on the envelope! My thoughts turn to you by the hour. The hours are long sometimes. It is a great relief to know you are well. You are not broken, Jamie. Never. You have me and always will. Forever and ever. Whatever else you doubt in the world, never doubt that. No distance or time or force can sever what we have. We are part of each other, now and always. I’m so happy you and Amanda are growing so close. She’s a sweeter person than she knows. I saw her in it like I saw it in you. She is young yet, though not so much younger than you. None of us knows all of what we are until time in its fullness reveals ourselves, but each day we come to know more. We shape and are shaped by the people around us. You are helping her to know herself for the miracle she is as much as she is helping you. Becky is right. Trust her, and you won’t regret it. I placed the two of you in each other’s arms. Trust that, and you will trust her. My sweet boy, I don’t know where the road goes. I don’t know the way. But I know you’re on the right road. I’d have held you back otherwise. It was hard enough not to. You are a pilgrim now. Pilgrims have far to walk; they know where they mean to go, but they don’t always know what they’ll encounter along the way, or what paths they’ll follow when the road diverges, but a pilgrim is never lost. Wherever he goes, he is still a pilgrim, and whether he ever arrives where he set out to, a pilgrim always arrives where he is meant to. A pilgrim’s walk is easy some days. There’s dew on the grass in the morning. The sun warms you. The breeze pushes you along. Other days, the walking is hard. The mud pulls at you feet. The rain pounds at you. The wind pushes you back. Good days and bad, it hurts to walk far. But the way provides for pilgrims who keep walking anyway. I’ve never met someone so able to endure as you. You will walk so far you'll discover wonderful things only you'll know of, and then you'll share it with us the way you've shared yourself and made our lives so much richer. And when you think you can walk no farther, when it hurts too much to take another step, Becky and Amanda will carry you. Others will, too. They’ll carry you because it lightens their hearts to shoulder your weight. We carry those we love. And when you’re ready, they’ll know it, even if you do not, and they’ll set you back on your feet. How far you will go. I walk beside you always. Your Forever Friend, Cheryl

This didn't happen to me, but when I was a high school senior, a group of us were walking down the hall and saw the dean of students standing outside the restroom in the freshman hallway with a custodian. Seems some poor freshman (that's 14-15 year olds, for you Brits) was taken suddenly ill and didn't get his pants down in time. No idea who it was, and had we known, no one would have made fun of him. Our school was known to not have cliques or bullies. We were pretty close to one another. I couldn't imagine how mortified the kid must have been. Poor guy.

I’m sorry you had that experience. I’ve had both kinds. He one makes you appreciate the other. As I’ve gotten older, though, I’ve come to appreciate the less kind one in her own way. I don’t think anybody asks to be the way they are. I know her intentions, and though I don’t want to spend time with her, I know in her own way, she means well.

As if the bills and work weren’t bad enough, it’s the random pain that’s pissing me off today. I woke up seven months ago, on my birthday of all days, with a terrible pain wrapping around my scapula. Massage, stretching and finally a dozen costly visits to a chiropractor. My neck and shoulder hurt on Friday, and sure enough, this morning. That pain is back like a thunderous, malevolent bitch demon. And I’m only 30! What bullshit do the next 60 years hold for me? I blame my parents. They knew things like this would happen when they decided to have me. Another reason I don’t want to have children: it’s a lot to subject a person to with no way of getting their consent. Im going to stay in this bad mood until approximately 3pm. That usually helps.

I man-scape. It’s less about diaper wearing and more about ring a secret sasquatch. I have a body groomer I use on my back and very gently around my private areas. On the latter, I sometimes get quite close. I did take a razor to my perineum today, and that was motivated by diaper wearing as I want to use barrier cream more often but hair prevents it from being as effective as it could be, plus makes the cream tends to stay on the hair and is and difficult to clean off. I don’t do it often. Just every few months. It’s kind of a lot of work, at least the back part. I may start attending to my diaper area once a week though.

Yes. A few places I don’t, but other than those, or if I’m coming from those, I’m padded. The a,punt of time I spend undiapered these days is pretty much just equivalent to the time I spend at work or bathing. Family functions, dinner with friends, sometimes even a date if I know nothing is going to get physical. All diapered, plus errands, etc. I think my favorite is getting out of bed in the morning in y wet night diaper and going to the store or diner for breakfast without changing.

I’ve sometimes felt that way, but not years. Pull ups don’t just feel or work as well. I should look into training pants.

? Im pretty sure she’s just a smelly bitch.

I did this the first and only time I played with a catheter. 2 nurses and 1 doctor tried to get me to admit I’d had unprotected sex. I later told my primary, and she said if it happened again she’d have me see a specialist because it is so rare in males, and in the mean time, be sure I clean myself very well after BMs. So that was embarrassing. If I ever do it again, I’m just going to lie and say I got it in the bedroom and let them draw their own conclusions as to how. And I may try again soon, but this time with a partner who is also a med-surg nurse. Safety first ?

I like Abena because they offer 5 different thicknesses. M2 is my go-to at hoepme on weekdays and most nights. M3 is my go-to if I’ll be home for awhile, or out but I can wear something baggy. M0 or M1 is my diaper of choice in the summer.

My parents kept a lot of my stuff. I have my legos, a series they don’t make anymore, at my house, plus my favorite stuffed animal. Theres a trunk at their house filled with mostly nerf guns, or at least I think they still have it.

You have to factor diapers into your monthly budget.

The thing you’re typing on has unacceptable levels of dangerous chemicals in it. This is a fact: there is no safe way to eat an electronic device. As a general rule, mere physical exposure to something is not harmful unless that something is absorbed through the skin. So you can wear, but not consume, your diapers safely. (That’s sarcasm in case anyone misses it.) And Bettypooh is correct: infants are much more susceptible to dangerous chemicals than adult. I think this study is fear mongering and misleading.

I think you'll like this chapter a lot. It turned out a lot better than i thought it would. Bonus points if you get the movie references. I'm not sure if the Bigs do or not, or just think it's funny. ____________________________________________ Chapter 11 “Hey, Cheryl? Wanna talk for a minute,” Ashley asked. “Sure. What’s up,” Cheryl answered, sitting down in Ash’s office. Ash stood up from behind her desk and closed the door. Cheryl didn’t like that – what did Ashley have to say that had to be said behind a closed door? “I just wanted to see how you’re doing, how you’re feeling,” Ash said as she sat down in the chair next to Cheryl’s, rather than back behind her desk. “Uh, fine I guess.” “Okay. I’m glad to hear that. I’ve just noticed you’ve seemed a bit detached lately.” “Is there something wrong with my work?” “No. Not at all. You just … maybe I’m overstepping. I want to be just a person right now, not your boss. Are you okay with that?” She continued after Cheryl nodded. “I haven’t seen you smile much lately. You’ve seemed quiet, the last few months.” It felt good to know Ash cared about her. Whether as a person, friend, or employees, she cared enough to notice and say something. It’s always easier not to. People only do it when they care. “I … thank you. I’m just … I guess I’ve been a little down.” “Anything you want to talk about?” Yes! She wanted to unburden herself. She got too close to a client and missed him terribly. She didn’t have any emotion left to be more than professionally caring toward her latest clients, and every insincere smile she forced just to be polite was one more stick in the eye. Cheryl didn’t want to be happy, she didn’t want to appear to be happy, and she didn’t want to deal with anyone else’s emotional needs. Not until her own were met. “Thanks for asking, but I’ll be fine. Everything will sort itself out.” “My door is always open, whether you need me to be a boss or a friend.” “Thank you. It means a lot to me that you cared enough to ask.” Cheryl left the office and pulled up her calendar. She couldn’t remember these days what was on her plate or when. She was finding out – or rather, recalling – that she had commitments just an hour, or sometimes even less, before they began. Scrolling forward for no particular reason, she zoomed out from the day to the month, and as she had at least once a week, she then scrolled backwards. First a week, the first time. And now seven weeks. There on her calendar, blocking the whole day: “Eric’s Departure.” The healthy thing to do would have been to delete the entry, but she couldn’t and didn’t want to. _­­­­­­­­­­­_____________________________________________________________________________ “Knock knock,” Becky called out lightly as she came into Jamie’s room. Jamie was at his activity table, still looking at a nearly blank piece of paper. Jamie turned and saw she was holding a bottle and cloth. “I thought you might be hungry.” Jamie was hungry. He used to eat like a horse, and though he figured eventually age would catch up with him and he’d starting putting on serious weight, it hadn’t, at least yet. Today, though, hungry to the point of pain, Jamie didn’t care. Not that he was hungry and not that his belly was so empty it ached. He cared more about why he couldn’t figure out what to write in this letter, and guilty for it. He figured she was waiting to hear from him, and he felt guilty for it. He’d have been content to stare at the page until an idea came. “I hope I’m not interrupting.” “No, I’m not doing anything. And I am kinda hungry.” He got up from his table. “Sorry dinner is kind of late tonight. Amanda told me you were writing a letter, and I thought you’d come find me when you were hungry.” Jamie nodded. “Is it okay if I feed you?” When have you not since I got here, he wanted to rhetorically ask. “That’s okay.” “C’mere.” She sat down in the rocking chair and held out her arms. Jamie stood from the table and crossed the room with his shoulder down. That he showed his unhappiness physically was relatively new to Jamie. How he grew up, you didn’t show unhappiness, not if you didn’t want to be bullied. You couldn’t show happiness around the wrong people either. You could show indifference and anger, and you could show disdain, but unhappiness around all but the most trusted was an open invitation to whomever wished to be cruel. It was only after a year of being on his own that he felt able to show happiness, and never exuberant, around others. Becky scooped him and gently laid him across her lap, resting him in her right arm. She tucked the cloth under his chin and smiled down at him, holding the nipple to his lips. He took it and closed his eyes while Becky gently rocked. “I’m sorry,” she said. Jamie opened his eyes but didn’t stop drinking his dinner. “I should have stopped that woman from doing what she did. You defended yourself because I didn’t. Do you forgive me?” Jamie was surprised. He doubted she came to this realization on her own, and knew this likely wouldn’t be happening without Amanda. Jamie was a forgiving person, a tolerant spirit as some say, and it was his nature to be generous, to assume good intentions. Becky didn’t strike him as unkind, the very opposite. And for these reasons, and because he needed to make this arrangement work, he nodded his head with the bottle still in his mouth. “Thank you. I want to do better for you.” Her voice was soft like it had been his first day there, less excited. “I think I understand most of why you’re here. That was why I wanted you to be with us, because I know we can help you heal, and I want that for you more than anything.” The bottle was empty, and she took it from his lips and wiped his chin. Jamie just listened. The rocking motion and the hour were making him feel sleepy. “I need your help, too, though. Will you help me?” Jamie nodded again. “What I need you to do is let me take care of you.” Jamie’s expression didn’t change, but something behind his eyes told her he was thinking, and she couldn’t figure out what. Was it dismissiveness, or was it opening up? “Oh, honey, I know you’ve worked hard all your life to take care of yourself, and I’ll never understand how hard. And I know how hard it must be to let go and accept that we all need help to get through the world with as many of our better angels still with us. We’ll need to trust each other, and you only just met me. I went a little too fast, and you weren’t ready. But I will try again, and If you try and trust me, I’ll help you to give up those parts of you that hurt and find the sunshine I know is inside you. Let me show you my love for you, and I promise I will earn the trust you place in me. And then when you are afraid, I will be brave for you. And when you’re sad, I’ll share your sadness. And we’ll love each other more because we faced the hard times together. And when you’re happy, you’ll make me so happy. And we’ll know we love each other in the easy times when love is easy, and in the hard times when love is hard. Will you try to trust me, and let me try to earn it?” Gone was the insipid smile that Becky had worn for three days. Jamie had never doubted her sincerity, only her judgment. Jamie had come here to escape there. But that alone wouldn’t help him to make a life worth living here. He knew that. “I’ll try my best.” Becky patted his shoulder and smiled, not with condescension but compassion. Jamie saw the difference. He knew it would be hard. Trust wasn’t easily in him. It took extraordinary souls to bring it out in him, like Cheryl, and perhaps Amanda, too. Knowing this about himself, he added, “Will you help me to try when I forget?” “Of course I will, sweetheart.” She lifted him to wrap both arms around him, and they shared their first genuine hug. When they let one another go, she stood him on her lap. “I have an arrival party planned for you. It was going to be a surprise. That wasn’t right of me. Do you want a party?” Jamie didn’t like being the center of attention. It was much easier and safer not to be. But what had he just promised? “How many people?” “How about just a few very close people? Would that be okay?” “Yes, I’ll try.” “Okay. It’s almost your bedtime. I have something special for you.” Carrying him to his crib, she sat him down on the edge. “Arms up.” She slid his shirt off and gently pushed him backward before pulling his pants off. It wasn’t easy for him to be like this in front of her. He no longer blushed, but he still didn’t want to look at her face while he was exposed. “Lay down on your tummy for me.” Her voice was just above a whisper. Putting his clothes in the hamper, she went back to the door and turned off the lights, with only the sliver of evening light through his curtains illuminating the room. Once again, his mattress felt so good, and the warm formula in his belly, and the new hope that things might turn out alright after all. Becky walked back toward the changing table, and Jamie rested his head on his folded arms with his eyes closed. He felt suddenly something soft against his lips, and opening his eyes and turning his head down to see it, he saw it was a pacifier. This isn’t any different than she’s been treating me, he thought. She didn’t force it. “Trust me,” she said. And Jamie kept his promise to try and let her place it in his mouth. “Just put your head back down.” He did, and Becky poured baby lotion into her hands and rubbed them together to warm them. Starting at his feet, she massaged the lotion into his already soft skin, kneading the muscles softly but firm enough to find and release the knots, working her way up his calves and thighs, digging into the big muscles so though it hurt, it was a good pain, and Jamie moaned low behind his pacifier, letting her large hands take away the tension. She reached his diaper, gently unfastened the tabs, and pulled it back, exposing his bottom. Her hands dug into his upper thighs and across his rear, and it felt so good Jamie didn’t care he was nude or what he was wearing or that it was wet. She was gentle with his hips and hard on his lower back, running her hands up and down his spine and along either side, then from right to left and left to right all the way up to his shoulders, pulling the fibers loose, turning his skin warm, and eliciting an electric pleasure that ran the length of him. She turned her attention to his shoulders and neck, then his scalp, and Jamie stretched out his arms as if to say, these next, and her hands worked their way down until they reached his. She lifted first his left, and holding it in one hand, the thumb of her other massaged deep into his palms so that his fingers curled, and she gently worked her way down those next until his hand was limp, and repeated the pleasure with his right. Jamie’s breathing slowed into a long rhythm. Sitting down on the edge of the crib, Becky ran her fingertips lightly across his back, occasionally letting her nails drag across his skin just so, and Jamie sighed once more, and Becky soothed him with her gentle fingers until he was deep asleep. Turning him over gently, she replaced his diaper with a fresh one. She raise the crib rail. She moved to the rocking chair and watched him sleep. “How’d it go,” Amanda whispered as she tiptoed into the room. Looking behind her, Becky reached out her hand for Amanda to take hers. “I think it went really well.” “You got him to take a pacifier?” “Mhmm.” “He looks so peaceful.” _­­­­­­­­­­­_____________________________________________________________________________ The next few days passed more or less like the last. He spent more time outside, and to his chagrin much of it was clad only in his diaper, but no one saw him through the fence. He took naps in the sun and began to acquire a bit of color, leaving tan lines around his diaper that Amanda found too cute. She took surreptitious pictures of him reclining in the sand box and walking across the grass, or tried to, and though Jamie didn’t like being recorded that way, it made him feel special that someone cared enough to want to capture these moments. That the someone was Amanda made him feel even more special, because she was. The day of the party arrived, and for the first time Jamie found himself in the playpen while Becky and Amanda cleaned and got ready for guests. He didn’t especially like the confinement, but on the other hand, this was his space. The suspended surface was soft, he had his bear, and Amanda gave him a coloring book and pencils to keep him occupied. He hadn’t opened the coloring books since the store, here were images, surely simple by Big standards, unlike any style as home. They were too intricate and complex to have been made for Big children. They were too precise even for a crayon to stay within the lines, and Jamie had to concentrate to follow the edges even with the fine tipped pencils Amanda had picked out. After two hours, he was only half done with the first page. He was absorbed. “Oh, they’re going to be here in an hour,” Becky fretted. “It’ll be fine. It’s just family and close friends,” Amanda reassured her. “You know how your grandmother can be.” “Finish in here, and I’ll get Jamie ready.” Amanda went into the living room and stood over the playpen. Jamie didn’t notice her. “Hey, buddy.” Geez, seriously, how are they so quiet, he wonder when he looked up. “Let’s go get you ready for your guests.” He looked at this page. “Five more minutes?” “Sorry, but it will be waiting for you later.” He closed the book, and Amanda lifted him from the crib. Jamie was nervous. His first encounter with Bigs who weren’t Amanda and Becky hadn’t gone well. Now he was meeting several at once. She set him on his feet and he walked ahead of her to his room. She went to his closet. “Okay, which do you want to wear?” She turned around holding up two hangers, one with overalls and one with a sleeper outfit. Becky wanted him in the overalls for company, but Amanda offered him the choice knowing it would make him feel better and that there was no way he’d choose the sleeper for strangers. A win-win. “Those, I guess.” She picked him up under his arms and hoisted him to the changing table. He knew the drill and lifted his arms. His shirt came off, he laid back, and his pants were pulled off. “Here, sit up for a moment.” She held out her hands and helped him up, then moved him on her hip to the rocking chair. He wondered what was going on. “So … how ya feeling today?” She leaned one elbow on the arm of the chair resting her head against her fist, and kept the other around Jamie’s waist. “Nervous.” “I’m sure you are. What can I do to make you feel better?” Jamie had questions he’d held off on asking, afraid the answers would only make him more nervous as he waited. “Who’s coming and what are they like?” “You’ve been saving that, haven’t you? Uncle Daniel and Aunt Lauren. You’ll like them. Uncle Daniel is Mom’s brother and is a lot of fun; he’s younger by a few years. Aunt Lauren is nice; Mom always says she lucked out by getting a sister-in-law she actually likes. Jane is Mom’s best friend. They’ve known each other since they were teenagers. If you get her alone she’ll tell you all the stories Mom doesn’t want us to know about her wilder days. And Grandma is coming. She can be a bit …” Amanda’s eyes turned up as she looked for the right word. “Difficult. Just be yourself around her. Our neighbors were going to come, Andrea and Elizabeth and their daughter, Amy, but I think something came up. Does that help?” He thought about it. It helped a little; it wasn’t a lot of information. “Some. Um, how do they feel about, uh, people like me?” “Love ‘em. Seriously. Even Grandma, though she’s ... a little less up to speed. But then I guess that’s a generational thing.” Jamie felt the need to pee and did; it was getting easier. Amanda felt it but didn’t say anything. Jamie had a serious look on his face. “What if I don’t like them?” “Then you come find me or Mom if we’re not right there, or ask for us.” “And if you are there? Can we have a signal?” “Sure, but I don’t think we’ll need one.” “Because I’ll like them all?” “That, and because I’ll just know. But how about you pull on your earlobe just to be safe.” “Okay.” “Let’s practice it.” Amanda tugged on her ear. Jamie did the same. “Good, but let’s try the other just to be extra safe.” They both pulled on their other ear. “And let’s do both at the same time just to extra extra safe.” Jamie smiled and thought that was silly but did it anyway. When both his arms were up, Amanda went for his armpits, tickling him all the way down to his ribs; he nearly fell out of the chair trying to get away, laughing with tears in his eyes and out of breath. “Stop doing that,” he protested, still laughing. “Never.” She shook her head with solemn authority. “Why not?” “Because I took on certain responsibilities when I became your Big sister, and that’s Number Seven. It’s out of my hands.” She kept a straight but lighthearted face. Good, Jamie thought. “And speaking of responsibilities, let’s get you changed and dressed.” Jamie tried to be reassured, and hoped he could will it, but as he lay there he felt as though a clock were ticking, and the butterflies in his stomach wouldn’t settle down. He wasn’t looking at Amanda, but look toward the wall across the room. Amanda got him into a fresh diaper. “How about some socks?” He didn’t hear her. She put ankle socks on his feet. He paid attention again when she lifted him off the table, and stood next to the dresser. Amanda opened the second drawer down and pulled out a onesie. Jamie hadn’t worn one yet, and didn’t relish the idea, but then he’d be wearing overall, so it would look like a t-shirt. He couldn’t what all she had to pick from: ones with cute phrases, one’s with outlines of animals, ones with designs. She chose a grey one with thin, blue stripes. He lifted his arms, and once it was on him she knelt to snap it closed. He was in overalls a few seconds later, the same ones he had worn to the store, with the snaps on the legs and the elastic waistband that made them less baggy but accentuated what was underneath. Amanda knelt down again to straighten his hair. He looked zoned out, with his left cheek pulled back in a face she recognized as the one he used when he was thinking. The butterflies in his stomach were getting agitated; he’d always had a nervous stomach, his body’s unpleasant physical response to stress. The doorbell rang, and he jumped a little. “Hey.” She took his chin and gently turned his face so they were looking into each other’s eyes. “These people are going to love you, and Mom and I will be there the whole time. If you get scared, remember …” she tugged on her ear lobe. “Okay?” She leaned into his crib and found his pacifier. “And here. If you don’t want to answer any questions, just put this in your mouth.” She tucked it into his pocket. “Are you ready?” Trying to be brave, he put on a smile. “Do you want me to carry you?” God, yes, Jamie thought, someone to cling to. “No, I’ll walk.” She smiled back and held out her hand, which he took, and they walked together back to the front room. “Oh, there they are,” Becky said as she saw them come in. Jamie kept a fake smile on his face, not coincidentally the same smile he used at the rare parties he went to back there or when meeting new people when he didn’t want to. He assumed this was Daniel and Laura. “Oh, he’s adorable,” Laura said to Becky. Daniel knelt on one knee and put out his hand, “Daniel Webb, damn glad to meet ya!” “Stop it,” Lauren snickered, giving him a gentle smack on the shoulder. The exchange felt a little intimidating, but he thought it was funny, too. “Hi, I’m Jamie” He held out his hand, and it disappeared into his. He gently shook it and let it go. “You can call Uncle Daniel or Danny or Dan or whatever you’re comfortable with.” “Thank you.” He gestured to his right, “This is your Aunt Lauren.” She knelt down and went in for a hug, which by instinct he returned, but with little conviction. “And you can call me Laurie.” “Nice to meet you.” That was the extent of Jamie’s social skills with strangers in the best of circumstance, which these were not. Dysfunctional families and angry kids? Those, he could deal with. But in a purely social circumstance, if that’s what this was, before Cheryl he hadn’t made a new friend in a long time. Thankfully, though the party was for him, he wasn’t the center of attention. Daniel and Lauren stood back up and continued their conversation with Becky. “So how are you doing,” Lauren asked. “Oh, we’re doing great.” Jamie felt an unexpected sense of solidarity. Ya hear that, he wanted to say, ‘We.’ “Is he sleeping through the night?” “Oh, like a lamb. He doesn’t even wake up during his feedings.” I’m getting feedings, he wondered. “How long until he’s back on solid foods?” “Almost 7 weeks, but I think we’ll keep up the night time bottle ritual.” “How are you doing, Amanda,” Daniel asked. He nodded toward the couch and the two of them started walking away. Jamie didn’t want to stand there being talked about, so he tugged on her jeans. Midsentence with Daniel, she lifted him on to her hip, and the three of them sat down on the couch. “Good. This has been just the best summer.” “How do you like all this? Big change from being an only child?” “This little guy?” He turned to look at her, and she looked down into his eyes. “He’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me.” Jamie wanted everyone to leave so he could snuggle into Amanda and stay that way until it he got hungry. But he had guests, and he didn’t want to be rude. “Didn’t I tell you,” Daniel smiled. “Can I?” He looked eagerly at Amanda. “I’m not the one you need to ask.” Daniel held his arms out a bit. “Well, buddy?” Not wanting to be rude and worried about getting off on the wrong foot, Jamie looked first at Amanda as though asking for reassurance, which he got from a quick nod, and then nodded at Daniel, his mouth dry. Daniel took Jamie off Amanda’s lap and put him in his own. This is different, Jamie thought. Amanda and Becky both felt impossibly strong, but Daniel even more so. He wasn’t as soft but he was soft enough. It just felt more firm, but also more secure, in a physical way. “So Jamie, what do you like to do?” “Uh …” It didn’t feel like he did much at all. He hung out, or so it seemed to him. “I guess I like to …” What is it you do all day, he wondered. He thought it through. “I have some blocks I like to build with, and Amanda picked out this really neat coloring book. And I hand outside a lot.” “Do you like your swing set?” “Uncle Danny helped put it together,” Amanda interjected. “Yeah, I do. Thank you for helping.” “You’re welcome. Do you like to play any sports?” “I used to.” “Like what?” “Um, do you have baseball here?” “I’ve heard of it, but Bigs don’t play it. I bet I can find some stuff for it, though. Would you like that?” “Um, I don’t want to ask for anything.” “How about some time you and I get away and go do guy stuff?” “Like what?” “I don’t know. Wrestle, go to truck rallies, watch action movies, have a burping contest, go drinking. I bet I could pick up a lot of chicks if I took you to a bar.” Jamie laughed. I guess I am kind of a babe magnet here, sort of, he thought. “God, isn’t it the best feeling when they smile at you,” Daniel said to Amanda. “What are you guys talking about it,” Lauren asked from across the room. “Tell her,” Daniel said. “Guy stuff,” Jamie answered with a smile. And everyone got a laugh out of that. Amanda, Daniel and Jamie went back to their conversation. Becky caught Lauren watching her husband with a sly smile on her face. “He looks good holding a Little, doesn’t he,” Becky said. She was awfully fond of her kid brother. “You guys talk anymore about having one of your own … baby, I mean?” Lauren was about to answer when there were three sharp knocks at the door. “We’ll talk later,” Lauren whispered. Becky opened the door. Jamie couldn’t see into the foyer. “Jane! Oh, it’s so good to see you,” he heard Becky say. “You, too. Feels like it’s been ages.” “Come in.” Becky appeared followed by a woman just a little heavier than her, with brown hair instead of blonde. She stooped a little coming around the corner, taking off a pair of sunglasses with her right hand and holding the strap of her purse with her left. “And this must be the famous Jamie I’ve been hearing so much about!” Her voice took on a lilt, and she set her things down just inside the living room. She crossed to the couch, and Danny took his hands off Jamie, who turned an eye over his shoulder and then back to this new person, who bent at the waist to look him in the eye. Her hands were clasped between her knees. “Hi, Jamie! I’m Jane. I’m one your mommy’s friends.” She said it in a sing-song pattern pitched an octave and a half above what Jamie could tell was her normal voice. Lauren and Becky followed her, and Lauren sat on a love seat opposite the couch. “Actually, Jane, we’re not there yet on names,” Becky said on Jamie’s behalf. Jane turned back to Jamie. “I’m sorry, Jamie. My mistake.” This time she said it in her normal voice, and Amanda made room for her on the couch. “That’s okay. It’s nice to meet you.” “So Jamie, how are you liking it here?” “At Becky’s house? I’m getting used to it.” “Sorry, I meant in our town.” “Oh, I guess I haven’t gotten to see much of it yet.” Becky interjected. “He’s still adjusting and healing. So far, we only went to the store.” “I see,” Jane said, turning back to Jamie. “When you’re ready, how’d you like to meet me and Rosie at the park?” “Who’s Rosie?” Jane’s face turned sour and she scoffed. Jamie was afraid he’d said something wrong. Jane turned back to look at Becky, who was seat next to Lauren. “Really, Beck?” Her voice was filled with sarcasm. “Rose is my Little’s name.” “Oh.” Jamie hadn’t met another Little yet, and only glimpsed a few. “I’d like that.” “Rosie can’t wait to meet you. She’s eager for another playmate. She’s playing at our neighbor’s house today.” Jamie was nervous at meeting other Littles, but at the same time he was starting to get anxious to talk to a human, one who could hopefully fill him in on what he should know. He needed to hear the perspective of someone from his side of things. The doorbell rang. “That’ll be Mom,” Becky said. Jamie wasn’t sure exactly how, but her voice sounded different. “She came,” Jane asked. “Of course she came,” Becky answered defensively. She held out her hand. “C’mere, Jamie. Let’s open the door together.” Danny helped him down, and he took Becky’s hand. Up until now, Jamie had been feeling such relief. Everyone was nice to him, and he really liked Danny. But now he was picking up on a weird dynamic. Once in the foyer, Becky guided Jamie in front of her before she opened the door. An older woman walked in, dressed in dark colors for the summer weather, and Becky placed both her hands on the tops of Jamie’s shoulders. “Hello, Mom.” It was said warmly and precisely. “Good afternoon, Rebecca.” The woman bent down and seemed to inspect Jamie. So far he hadn’t felt on display, but now he felt he was being scrutinized. No one in the living room could see. “Does he talk?” Defensively, Jamie quickly answered on his own. “Hello, I’m Jamie.” She smiled at that, and looked up at her daughter. “Hmm. He’s very verbal,” the older woman said. “Thank you,” Becky replied. Wait, that was a compliment, Jamie thought. The woman turned her attention back to Jamie. “I’m your grandma.” “It’s nice to meet you. What’s your name,” he asked as he held out his hand. “Grandma,” she answered, slowly, her hand dripping with well-meaning condescension as she shook his. “Grand-ma.” Jamie wanted to be diplomatic here. He once again reminded himself to be generous, not to assume the worst. Perhaps she just hadn’t been told much about him. And he certainly didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, even if his own feelings weren’t being especially respected at the moment. “Uh … what else can I call you,” he asked as he took his hand back. “Uh, let’s see. Granny. Nana.” Some people need to be hit over the head. “I’d rather call you by your name, for now.” “I’d rather you didn’t.” Some people hit back. Her tone made it plain she meant it. There’s always two kinds of grandmas, Jamie pondered. The sweet ones who will spoil you when you’re little and be a safe confidant when you’re older. And that other kind, the overly formal, this-is-a-hierarchy-and-I’m-at-the-top-and-you’re-at-the-bottom kind. One wants you feel loved, and the other wants you to know you’re loved; one wants to teach you how to love, and the other wants to teach you about respect, even when they don’t do anything to earn it. And the silly part is they both love you just as much, or think they do, and they both think they’re doing the right thing. But only one of them is right Another test of wills, Jamie thought, Fine - ‘Hey You’ it is until further notice. He felt like a foster kid again, ending up in a new home, where frequently someone would regard him with barely disguised disdain, as though they judged him for being parentless. He didn’t always help himself in those situations, lashing back out with sarcasm to show, if nothing else, he was clever. “Actually, ma’am,” he couldn’t be faulted for calling her that, could he, “I prefer to be called Mister Tibbs.” She was obviously perplexed. No one had told her his names was Tibbs, and what Little did any self-respecting Big call ‘Mister’ except when the Little was in trouble. “Excuse me?” “They call me ‘MISTER Tibbs.” And Jamie could have kept a straight face were it not for the look of astonishment on hers. He belly-laughed and couldn’t stop himself. “Hi Grandma,” Amanda swept in to defuse the situation. “I haven’t seen you in so long?” “What are you talking about? You saw me three weeks ago.” “Oh, well I guess it just felt like a long time.” Amanda took her arm and pulled her toward the kitchen. “That’s a very rude Little your mother picked out. Did she find him at the pound?” “Oh, I know! Isn’t he the worst,” Amanda answered in her syrupy whatever-makes-you-happy-grandma voice, but she still managed to turn around give to Jamie a thumbs up. Becky wasn’t so pleased, but Jamie couldn’t tell with whom. She sighed, and walked back into the living room, where Lauren, Danny, and Jane were red faced and stifling guffaws. Lauren held out her hand to Jamie, and feeling comfortable now, he walked over to her. Lauren had been made to feel much the same way when Danny first introduced her to her future mother-in-law, except she didn’t have the excuse of being a Little to answer back. She patted the seat next to her and Jamie climbed up. “I like you a lot,” she said. “She’s not gonna forget that, just so you know.” “Thanks for the warning.” _­­­­­­­­­­­_____________________________________________________________________________ A simple lunch was served. Jamie was a little embarrassed to be fed a bottle in front of everyone, especially Danny, but he knew, in theory, no one expected otherwise, especially since they knew about his operation. A small cake with “Welcome Jamie” spelled across it was served. He sat in Becky’s lap, and she fed him icing off her finger. This made Jamie feel better; she’d acted so strange with her mother, and he was afraid she was upset with him for mouthing off to her. Everyone seemed to be having a good time, even Becky’s mother, but Jamie could tell her version of a good time was at best more subdued than everyone else’s. She didn’t even sing when the cake was cut. Everyone went back to the living room and sat facing each other, the conversation wandering from topic to topic, sometimes involving Jamie and sometimes not. He joined in where he could and otherwise sat in Amanda’s lap and listened, interested to hear more about these people’s lives. After a while, Jamie began to feel tired and hot. He was trying to keep listening, but his head started to hurt. Suddenly the butterflies were back in his stomach, except this time they felt like angry humming birds. He slumped again Amanda and tugged on his ear. She leaned in close so he could whisper in her ear. “You getting tired, buddy?” “I don’t feel well.” Amanda put her palm on his forehead and then his cheek. He felt sweaty. His stomach started to cramp. Amanda lifted him so he was resting over her shoulder and stood up. “Jamie is getting pretty tired. I’m going to go put him down.” “Really? You didn’t get to open your presents yet,” Jane said. Amanda was already walking out of the room, and Jamie weakly waved. Another cramp hit him, and he couldn’t prevent what happened next. Amanda felt it, and responded by rubbing his back and cooing in his ear as she carried him to his room. She held him and kept patting his back, waiting for him to finish. Becky came in. “What happened?” She sounded a little alarmed, not as much as a first-time parent, but enough that Amanda could hear it in her voice. “He’s fine, Mom. Just an upset tummy.” “Oh, dear. I guess that’s my fault. Icing after a liquid diet for months just may have been too rich.” She stepped forward and put a hand on his back. Jamie wanted to tell her it was okay, but he wanted to tell her later. Just then he wanted to feel miserable. “That’s alright,” Amanda answered on her behalf. “It’s not much richer than the formula. I’ll get him cleaned up and put him down.” “I’ll see everyone out.” She leaned in and kissed Jamie. “Sorry.” Thinking he was finished, Amanda laid Jamie gently on the changing table, undressed him and began cleaning him up. “What’s wrong with him?” Her grandmother was standing in the doorway. “He’s got an upset tummy. Can you wait outside?” “Why?” “Because Jamie would like some privacy.” Privacy? He’s just a Little, her grandma thought. _­­­­­­­­­­­_____________________________________________________________________________ When Jamie awoke later, having been changed twice more during the six hours he’d been asleep, it was dark out and Becky was in the room holding a bottle of what looked like juice. “Hey,” she whispered. “How you feeling?” “Better,” he answered truthfully but tiredly. “You were a pretty sick little boy. Are your thirsty?” She’d given him three bottles of the hydration solution while he was out. “Mhhm.” She handed him the bottle and let him hold it himself. “I’m so sorry. I think that was my fault.” Jamie wasn’t so sure. He’d always had a nervous stomach, and he wasn’t feeling great before the party. More likely the icing set off something that would have happened, albeit to a lesser degree, anyway. “It’s okay.” He sounded so sleepy. “It’s very late. Go back to sleep, honey.” He wasn’t drinking anymore, so she took the bottle from his mouth but left it in the crib. He caressed his cheek with her thumb and left him to rest.

I'd advise against ABDL diapers as they are not meant to be discrete and tend to swell a lot when used. I wear Abena and am very happy with them. They come in a variety of thicknesses so that you can balance discretion and need to suit your preference or even, as I do, select a different thickness for different parts of the day and when I'll be away from home. Molicare is another good option.

Premium is the answer. If you’re going to crap your drawers, do you thinking anything not premium is going to contain waste and odor well enough for you feel confident? Also, no diaper will contain odor for more than a few minutes. Wear plastic pants over your diaper. l suffered from IBS-D for 15 years if you want any advice on managing it. I no longer have it.

Who deals with it, and how? I deal with it with meds, and I’m tired of taking so many pills, and I’d like to stop taking these ones. So what non-medical remedies work for people to fall asleep fast and stay asleep all night? Thanks!