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GirlyGirl

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About GirlyGirl

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  1. Alrighty people I need to get this off my chest before I explode. My ex and I dated for just over a year. During this time he opened up to me about being a DL. I researched it, tried it, and even enjoyed it with him as time went on. All in all things were going I thought pretty good. I mean we had our fights but doesn't every couple?!?! By the time we were together for 3-4 months we started hanging out everyday together and spending nights together. Still I thought everything was good. Fast forward a couple months and he springs it on me that he needs alone time every once in a while... To which I'm totally okay with. Everyone needs time to do them. We then go from sleeping together every night to only seeing each other on weekends. It was a little hard to get used to sleeping alone again but I got used to it because that's what he said he needed. Then he starts pointing out things I do wrong. I raise my voice in conversations quickly. I am stubborn at times. I'm very vocal on my feelings and he didn't like to hear that. He didn't think I owned up to my mistakes. Every single thing he ever pointed out I worked on. I tried my hardest not to raise my voice and if I did he'd point it out and id low it and apologize. I tried not to be as stubborn... that ones a little hard... I was taught to always fight for what I thought was right or if I really wanted something. Being vocal on my feelings was something I wouldn't change. I watched my parents marriage go down the drain because they never talked feelings. So if I was sad or confused or even happy I always wanted to let him know. I thought I owned up to my mistakes... I know sometimes my stubbornness probably got in the way but I know if I ever hurt anybody in any way then I would own up to it and apologize and fix it. Anytime I tried to talk to him about things I thought he had to work on id get told that hed work on it when he was ready to... Which is fair. cant fix a problem if you don't think its a probably. Our relationship got rocky after that. One day he'd tell me he didn't love me any more then the next he'd say he loved me like 10 times. One day he'd call and we'd talk for hours the next I wouldn't hear from him for a couple days. I knew he liked his alone time and I always did my best to give it to him. Even if somedays I'd be at home crying I still wouldn't reach out because I knew I would bother him. I then thought that our relationship couldn't be healthy... I mean how could it. He called the shots at every corner and if I said otherwise it would be a fight and he'd tell me if I couldn't give him what he wanted then we had to break up. And I stayed. Because I love him. Our last fight got really bad. I went over to get my stuff because I was finally done. I packed all my stuff and he asked if we could talk. I said yes. He said he didn't want us to part and I meant a lot to him and I told him I couldn't do anything without communication and honesty and I needed to see him. He said that he could do that. We decided I would still take most of my stuff but a couple things and he'd have the weekend to himself and then we'd hang out. half way through the weekend I sent him a text to ask when we would next see each other. I got a "Im doing my own thing and I'll reach out once that's done at the end of the weekend." It was then I realized he wouldn't change. He always thought of himself first and his needs first. and I was always the one that thought of him first and his needs, but I was tired of feeling unwanted and like my efforts to please him weren't good enough. So I came over and grabbed the rest of my stuff. Its been 3 weeks... and everything hurts. I know a lot of people will say "give it time," "you'll get over it after a while." but I'm not. And I'm not doing to well. I don't sleep... Well I sleep but on a good day I'll fall asleep around 4 am and wake up crying by 6 am. I don't ever feel hungry. I eat because I know I should. If I see anyone that even looks a little bit like him or the car he drives I break down. He told me to talk to my only friend, but she's tired of hearing about him. So I keep everything to myself. Maybe that's why I'm writing this. because I'm so tired of keeping everything in. I'd be lying if I didn't say death looks really appealing right now. but even then I some how fucked that up. I've tried multiple times now. I've taken all my anti-depressants and pain killers (I had an accident that allows me to have pain killers) in one night. Felt a little hung over the next day but that was it. Self harm... yup did that. only left marks and felt really light headed for the next couple days. Something plugged into the wall and put in the bath tub... Nothing... Did you know modern houses will automatically turn off the wall thing if it senses its going to shock or short circuit. Hanging myself... Rope broke and then tried again and the wood piece from the attic broke. Took a whole bottle of Tylenol... Made me sick but still here. I can't even successfully kill myself... I thought maybe this was some weird way telling me not to give up on him... funny how he hurt me but if he called me right now I'd answer it in a heartbeat. I thought maybe he'd call me tonight... We were supposed to go to a family's wedding today together but for obvious reasons he went and I did not. But there was a thought in the back of my mind thinking maybe he'd watch them get married and watch all that love and realize how much love I gave him and he'd miss me... Even for a second...But nothing... I was dumb to think I would cross his mind... I'm not wort much... Sorry for unloading here... but I had to get this off my chest. Not sure anyone will even see this though ..
  2. GirlyGirl

    Feeling Alone

    I don't have much I enjoy doing right now. I did enjoy gaming, but he has our gaming system so that's out of the question. Maybe I just gotta find everything new. Or maybe nothing will change. I struggle with depression as while and its just been a bumpy road since then.
  3. GirlyGirl

    Feeling Alone

    So I was dating this guy for about a year. After a couple months he told me about him being a DL. I found this site and it really helped me understand everything and I was able to feel comfortable about what he was into. I told him I would give it a try just to see how he felt using it. The first time I ever wore it took me hours to use it, but he wouldn't let me out of it until I did... Which kinda excited me to be honest. Flash forward a couple months and I've worn a couple times and we even bought me some pink ones that I loved! I was starting to feel really open with him about all of this and opened up to him saying how I enjoyed wearing. Flash forward some more and we broke up. We broke up because I couldn't give him what he wanted even though I was giving him everything I had, but it wasn't enough. All in all he wanted someone he never had to talk to unless he wanted to hook up and I couldn't do that. not to myself. I deserve better. I didn't realize that once I lost him though I would lose this too... I know technically I can do this stuff on my own. But I haven't accepted that part of me yet. I was helping him open up about it and he was helping me realize that liking something different is okay. I can't even think about doing that stuff again without breaking down while thinking of him. So how can I do something I want to do but hurts me at the same time? I just miss him, and I hate it. I want to feel the comfort of wearing again but it just hurts at the same time.