nitewets

So, I went the months of November and December without reverting to wearing diapers. Today, I wet myself and well... long story short, here I am back in diapers and a messy diaper at that. During my 'time off' I felt so very embarrassed about my dependence on diapers. It's purely an emotional dependence; well almost purely. I can usually resist diapers for a couple of months but since the late 90s I've been wearing diapers on and off.

I LIKE being in diapers and I feel ashamed of that. When I'm not in diapers, I'm so embarrassed and ashamed of myself. Yet, it's so frustrating that when I'm wearing diapers I'm more content, more relaxed and even more productive. I've lost the thread of the trigger that spins me back into diapers but it can be the most simple thing. Today, making lunch in the kitchen, there was the slightest urge and I simply made no effort to resist... and I wet myself. 

There's an internal dialog that starts up, I'm not so much ashamed at that moment but annoyed with myself: "That's just naughty. If you're going to behave like a baby and wet yourself, then you're going back into diapers for the day." I changed and put on a diaper. I've stopped throwing out diapers, it's been a hard admission that even when I tell myself I won't wear diapers again, that I simply hide them in the back of the closet and deny to myself that this is an admission that, no, I can't give up wearing diapers and it's only a matter of time—regardless how ashamedI feel at the moment I hide them—that I will need to diaper myself in the future. I can't escape my dependence on diapers. 

From the mid-summer until mid-October, I was wearing diapers every night. I had a binge purchase of cloth diapers but found that even with plastic panties, I was repeatedly wetting the bed because the panties leaked. Now, I love sleeping in diapers because I never have to worry about getting up. Trouble was, over time, I stopped waking up fully with the urge to pee; I would kind of nearly waken, relax, and then wet and fall back asleep without really waking at all. Then when I tried to stop wearing diapers at night, I was too scared that I would wet myself and couldn't sleep at all. Plus, at even the slightest feeling of having to pee I would jerk awake fearing that I was going to wet the bed. For a week, I really didn't get any sleep. And a further plus was that having awakened, I would have to force myself to get up and go the bathroom—which I really, really didn't want to have to do. 

So, after nearly two months, I came back to talk with you here on Dailydiapers. Midday, I had a bath and changed my diaper. Late this afternoon, as always happens once I've returned to being diapered, I had a poop. And here I sit in a messy diaper, typing my thoughts. I will be diapers for the forseeable future, again. Like Pavlov's dog, once in diapers my control seems to vanish and I'm wetting myself throughout the day and once again, scared to go to bed without being diapered. Tomorrow, I'll wake up in a wet diaper. I'll have to check if I've also wet the bed and will have to wash the sheets if I have. I am again reduced to wearing diapers every day—wetting and pooping. I am both ashamed but so bound to being in diapers. I will feel better and happier my diapers whether dry and so comfy or even when wet and soiled. I will delight in the wonderful freshness and dryness of a clean diaper when I change. It is my life.