glycerine

Excellent note! One thing, though, is that I do go off Zoloft on a regular basis, sometimes for months. The desire to full-time, out-in-public dressing hasn't returned. (Why on and off? When things are good, I'm off. When things are bad (house vandalized and living and in apartment for six months!) I'm back on.) As with the initial coming-out, the meds appear to have made a fundamental change in me. I'll probably write some more later, but the customer that's paying for this trip awaits, and I've still got to shower and dress (!).

I've been waiting for some nice "off" time to write this, and since I'm on an Amtrak train heading cross country, this seems as good a time as any. Before I go on, I need to say that this is my story. What I've been through is unique to me. However, I do offer it as a cauntionary tale. As they say, "Your mileage may vary..." Ever since I was an early teen I've been atracted to women's clothing. Of course, in those pre-internet days of the 60's I thought I was really weird and went through the typical cycles of attraction and revultion. By the time I was in my 20's I'd try to slip into some frilly things whenever I could secretively get away with it. Of course, this was all a Big Secret. The "Big Secret". It became an even bigger secret in the mid 90's when the internet helped me to discover what I was: a cross dresser. But still, the secret held, especially to my (then) wife. That relationship, however, was on a downward spiral. On one emotional evening I told her what I was, and revealed to her that I'd been trying on her clothing. "I didn't sign up for this." was her reaction. Shortly after that, she moved out. But, wonder of wonders, something amazing happened. I'd always had a hair-trigger temper. A violent, lashing-out, screaming temper. Suddenly, literally overnight, the temper evaporated. As best as I can figure, the three decades of the Big Secret were such a strain on me that my brain resolved it by making me angry. Friends commented on the sudden change in me. I was a new person. By then search tools on the internet had improved to the point where I could do some serious searching and I lit upon Tri-Ess. Others like me! Living alone gave me the opportunity to dress in a way that I'd never been able to. Dress and actually go out in public as a woman! I began to use a breast pump, trying to get some decent boobs. I thought about hormones, but I'm enough of a science geek to be very cautious about putting something as strong as that in my body. Neverthe less, I was out the in public, in the mall, on business trips, around town, as "a girl". By the early 0's I was in a great relationship with a woman who'd eventually become my wife. When I, with much trepidation, told her about my crossdressing her response was "how sweet", and that was that! Life was good. Business, though, was not so good. It was a depressing time for me. Lot's of work stress. My doctor prescribed Zoloft. In the same way the coming out to my ex-wife erased the anger from me, the Zoloft had an amazing effect: the dress-up and go-out desire simply evaporated. I still loved women's clothing, and never even though about giving up my nightgowns and pretty undies, but the desire to "present" as a woman, to almost "be" a woman had dissapeared. I wrote a letter telling what had happened to my friends at Tri-Ess, but was viewed almost as a traitor by them. The idea that something as simple as an anti-depressent could change me so was anathema to them. Was I "cured" of being a cross-dresser? Hardly. If I was, why was I still keeping my panties and nighties? Why couldn't I force myself to donate away all of my dresses? Other posters in this forum have talkey about the "spectrum" of gender. Gender is in the brain. The way I read things is that whatever mix of connections and chemicals are in my skull made me what I was, and am. The first "coming-out" stabalized a hideous imbalance and made me a sane, non-angry, person for the first time since I hit puberty. The Zoloft was just as important. It leveled out the wild giddyness of my new-found femininity and brought it down to what I feel is my true state: a man that loves women, likes being feminine, but doesn't want to BE a woman. Now to the "why" of writing this. I've seen a lot of notes floating by here about self-administered hormones; desires to travel out-of-country where gender-changing surgery isn't so rigerously controled. I look at what I've been through in my 60 years and I look back at the twenty-something me. A lot of folks go though the correct route and find a physician / psycholgist that will help them truly explore their sexuality and help them to really know where they are in the gender spectrum. Others don't, and jump in with both feet into the "I'm a woman inside and I want to BE a woman" pond. What I want to get across is that before any ireversible changes are made, be totally sure that the "real" you isn't a Zoloft away. I thought I was one thing, and it turns out I was something else. I'm not preaching any "rightness" or "wrongness" in any of this. Just make sure that before you start loading up on hormones or lopping off body parts, you're not just in a state of "giddy feminity". That's about it. I'm sure a number of you are ready to throw things at me. A number will say I'm in denial. As I said at the start: "Your mileage may vary." Indeed it may.

A couple of weeks ago my wife was sorting laundry and she held up a pair of undies: "Yours?" Nope... wrong size. I wear a 9! She's got so many that she's forgotten them all. Mine are cuter, though!

Take Amtrak! No hassles, and nice big bathrooms ON the train for changing your diaper. I always get a sleeper...they even have showers. TSA pat-downs? *pshaw"

Having sat down to lunch with the guys at TSA that TRAIN the TSA agents I can tell you that behind closed doors the TSA folks know it's all smoke and mirrors. This, of course, is all one reason I take the train. If some terrorist is going to take me out, I'd just as soon he (or, she) do it while I'm relaxing in my compartment or having a kick-ass meal in the dining car. Why the feds are some damn worried about someone blowing up a plane and killing a couple hundred when all that <insert name of terrorist bunch here> has to do is load a shipping container with a ton of petroleum-soaked fertilizer and a pile of low-grade plutonium to kill thousands and sicken millions. If people REALLY understood the whole idea of comparative risk analysis they'd really be pissed.

Laying down does give me a snugger fit... but just barely. It's so much easier to lean up against the bathroom door and put my diaper on in the morning as part of my start-the-day ablutions.

I wish I could get my wife to change my wet diaper and then smear my bottom and penis with a nice thick coating of Desitin diaper ointment. Just the slightest hint of that lotion's fragrance brings me back to when I was a little baby and my mommy would do that to me. I know I can't really remember details, but that smell must be hitting some way-back hidden memory. My mommy also used to put it on an enema nozzle when I had problems. I can still remember being bent over her lap...and that was well over a half century ago!

I just swapped out the last of my 24/7's from the sample pack after REALLY filling them up. I guess those 5 cups of coffee this morning flowed through! Oh and the buzzzzz.... But I digress. I'm back in my usual Depends 3 tapers and after those super thick and bulky 24/7's it's like I'm not wearing anything at all. When I wet, it feel like I should just be peeing out of my pants, but of course, I don't Nice!

My ex let me nurse at her breast once. *sigh*

Then there was the time I got a can of Mendota Mineral Water that was funky with stuff floating in it. They sent a guy over to look at it. I got coupons for around 5 CASES of water out of that! I never do a fake complaint... companies screw up often enough on their own! Same thing at restaurants. If the food is bad, poorly seasoned, cold, whatever, and you truly don't like it... ask for the manager and complain. Likewise, of course, if things are GOOD, send that message on too! I can't count the number of free deserts I've scored after calling over a manager after a particularly good meal, complimenting them, and having them say "Thanks... folks NEVER say they like things... they always complain! Have a desert on us!".

I got some Depends 3-tape diapers the other day with the top tape sheared off by a manufacturing error. I went on the Depends site and filled out their "comment" section with the product and lot number. A couple of days later I got a "thank you" email and a couple of days after that $9 of coupons... two $1 ones and one $7 one. Since Walgreens has Depends on sale every couple of weeks, not too bad a deal. Not as good as when I sent a can lid to Bush's Baked Beans after I got a can that was only half full. They sent me a box with a big can of EVERY bean type they make, a really good can opener, and a bunch of coupons.

I wrote about using the garden gel a couple of months ago. My trick is to insert it into a baby diaper, and then use THAT stuffed inside the "main" diaper. I don't think toxic shock is much of an issue. The tampons in question were INSIDE the user. They also were soaked full of a MUCH different medium than urine.

I haven't wore guy underwear in probably a decade. I've found a great place for GOOD undies at amazing prices: Sierra Trading Post: Sierra Trading Post - Hanes Panties I've been shopping there for years. If you're on their email list you can get even bigger discounts.

Yeh... Big Lots ... Those bottom feeders are also good places to find things like jewelry and kids toys containing enough lead to poison you. They sometimes end up with just-about-to-be-recalled stuff too. Got to be careful out there...

Know the difference between training and education? You want you kid to have sex EDUCATION. You don't want 'em to have sex TRAINING.

Party? Heh! I spent most of the day hauling stuff out of the temporary apartment and back to our house. My legs are soooooo achy this afternoon! "Party" was cooking a steak on the grill outside. I'd REALLY missed that. My son gave me a 1.5TB drive FULL of pretty much any Dr. Who that was ever made along with a bunch of anime. Next door neighbors came over and we had some champagne to toast my birthday, their anniversary, and moving back home.

Large 24/7 made it from 8:00 AM to 2:00 before I noticed leakage around the leg gathers. I think, though, it was more of me wearing a too-big diaper. I'll try an extended period with the medium ones tomorrow.

Well, the old odometer clicked over and I hit 60 yesterday. Best present of all (other than actually being here for 60!) is waking up in my own bed for the first time in 6 months. We've moved home!

Just got my 24/7's by FedEx this morning from XP. Talk about fast shipping! First trial (on me now!) is the Mediums. These guys run large. I ordered both a large and medium sample, and I'm wondering if the large is going to turn out to be "too large". The diaper is nice and thick and VERY bulky between my legs. Kind of lumpy under my butt as I sit on the chair. I'm going out for lunch, and I'll being drinking a LOT of liquids. Let's see how this baby holds up. Update - 5 PM Nice... very nice! Amazing capacity, and very resistant to flooding. I had a lot of tea at lunch and the diaper held every drop. I took it off since I didn't feel like wearing it back to the apartment (we move back to our house tomorrow!!! Woot!), but I think I could have kept wearing it for a lot longer. I'll try the Large size on Monday when I can give it a full days test.

Just ordered a sample pack of 24/7. We shall see...

Some Readers may remember my post of Way Back When on having our house vandalized by a kid we had staying with us. Six months and $80,000 later (not counting personal goods & the apartment) we are getting ready to move back in. Thank heavens for insurance! The house looks gorgeous! Probably the best it's looked since 1901. About all that's needed to be done is: - Toilets on the 2nd and 3rd floors (special order...should be in by the next of the week. We have a working toilet on the 1st floor. Of course, there ARE diapers <grin>!) - Stove in the kitchen needs new burners. It was under the the cascading water and got rusted. - Wallpapering and painting ... but we're doing that and can do it after we move in. I'm going to start moving stuff back into the kitchen this evening. My wife and I were on vacation when this happened and have no idea what sort of shape our personal things are in. Like I said... thank heavens for insurance! (Heh... it's my 60th birthday next Sunday. Heck of a present, eh?)

I can second the hair conditioner trick. It really works like a champ.

Back in the day when I was an active out-in-public CD'r (and trust me, THAT'S a long and interesting story that I'll post someday) I always tried to go out "age appropriate". Boobs in the right proportion to my body, sensible shoes, nice LL Bean or Lands End jumpers with sweater underneath. When I'd seen some of my fellow CD'rs in their outfits all I could think was "Ewwww". I guess I always tried to dress like the woman I'd like to date!

Geez, Angela... why the rant? All that Darkfinn said, essentially, was "they cost a lot". They do. Nothing bad about saying that. If he'd said "why do those &^*^%* make it so expensive" THEN you would have had something to rant about. Sure, I'm a DL. I don't have to wear diapers. I do, 'cause I like 'em. Also... when it's raining it's a pain to go inside to the house from my garage office. Diapers keep me dry in more ways than one!

Nice, nice, diapers! Today I gave my Free Sample a test spin... Popped 'em on at 8:15 AM, pulled 'em off at 4:15 PM. They probably could have gone longer, but I didn't want to be driving home with a soggy butt! The "breathable covering" really works quite nicely. I didn't end up all sweaty as I do with my Depend's 3-tabs. Man... they REALLY come up high, so there was no worries about leaking out of the top or back. I may have to get myself a bag or two of 'em. Any suggestions for Best Price?