Mean Mommy

i remember the moment i became an FA... my ex was doing the dishes and i was sitting on the floor some feet behind him in our tiny apartment. i was watching the fabric pull over the curves of his glorious ass. he was in this depressed funk and had put on some extra 20 pounds and it made his ass even thicker and rounder and bouncier somehow. and then he had these strong luscious thighs that held up that ass like marble columns. he was built beautifully. could really fuck someone up if he cared to, which he didn't. he had a network of muscle and these thick gorgeous curves on top of it all. drove me wild.

y'know those massive stuffed animals they have at the fair? next time you're there, make him win one for you. a monkey, preferably. then go home with your new toy. when you're naughty baby boy does something to annoy you, bind his arms behind his back, strap one or two diapers about his waist and pop a bonnet on his head to complete the humiliation. then walk him to his room where monkey will be laying on the floor, make him get down on his knees and hump it. watch with amusement as he, to his utter shame, begins to grow an erection. stuff a pacifier between his lips and fasten it about his head with attachable straps. (they gotta have that on the internet somewhere.) then, as he quietly weeps, walk around him and snap at the inside of his thighs with a horsewhip. tease him by cooing "c'mon big boy, fuck mr. monkey for me. blow your load into your diaper like a good boy." as he begins to grind and hump the stuffed monkey with increasingly agitated hip thrusts, step on his diapered butt with one stilettoed foot and listen to him cum. another idea: buy some serious heels. preferably black and leather - NOT suede! then, once your husband is bound and diapered, lead him to your closet. set your new shoes in front of him. yank his diapers to his knees and begin rubbing his cock. as he grows hard, remind him who's in charge by firmly holding his jaw and kissing him. as he begins to cum all over the shoes don't let go of him, and don't let him stop kissing you. this shows him he's not in control, you are, and you decide when to release him. with any luck he should be moaning and spasming in waves of kinky pleasure at this point. but he's not done, push him to the floor and order him to lick your shoes clean.

god, okay, i know i'm dragging this thread back from the dead but i can't help it, i so disagree. and i don't have the emotional maturity to let these things slide. so i'm gonna declare myself underwhere's white knight and charge to his defense with or without his asking. before i start, i know it's gonna look like i'm waging war on you, sarah_ab, but i'm don't intend to. i disagree with your opinion, but regardless of that you sound like an intelligent and funny person. a sort of person that i would like to hang out with or something. and i'm more than happy to argue with someone smart over a matter of differing opinion. a few years ago i'd be in complete agreement with you guys: feeling blue? suck it up, get over it. which is probably why, in a karmic sense, i got hit with medical depression. it's not something you can suck up or mow over with sheer will. believe me, i've tried. i've been trying for more than a year. the funny thing is i'm not even sad. i made it a point to make friends and do something constructive and i am still plagued by symptoms of depression. that's when it hit me that this isn't a silly fanciful invisible boo-boo pansies are diagnosed with, it's a serious medical condition. and like any other medical condition it has to be approached responsibly. if underwhere says he's depressed, give the man a break and a little sympathy. comparing him to severely handicapped people isn't doing anyone any favors. first of all, the logic behind it is demented. if someone says "i've been feeling down ever since i had my wallet stolen" are you going to say "well suck it up asshole! people have their families kidnapped! i bet those people would love to just have their wallet stolen..instead of their SON!!" or if someone says "my dog just died" are you gonna say "big deal! at least it wasn't your WIFE!" overshadowing hardships with even greater hardships isn't helping the problem. people need sympathy, they need support and a little love. that's what solves problems. not dismissing smaller problems in the face of bigger problems. the world isn't only made up of big problems. in fact, many big problems come from unresolved smaller problems. take columbine, for example. anyways, i always thought it was twisted to feel a sense of gratitude when hearing about other people's misery. like when my mum nagged me to enjoy my food because kids in Somalia are starving. is that meant to make me feel better? wouldn't it be sick if i attacked my food with a relish, chewing it with a smile on my face saying "oh those poor Somalian bastards! i'd hate to be them! i bet they'd appreciate meatloaf! but i have it, bwah ha hah!!!" No one is gonna be like "Someone somewhere can't walk?! Well I feel a lot better now!!" additionally, i don't think people who are in that position (paraplegics, etc.) would appreciate other people using them as fodder to make severely depressed people appreciate their lot in life. would you say that in front of them? probably not. it would make them feel bad. and a few of them may want to tell you that they lead fulfilling and happy lives that many people would want to have. so why say it at all? eventually underwhere needs to get over his depression if he wants a happy life, which i assume he does. but that isn't going to happen overnight and will require a lot of support from his friends and family. if he attempts to build relationships with other people and follows up on the advice he receives in order to combat his depression, then he is trying his hardest to progress given his condition and should be applauded, not ridiculed. if we want to change the world for the better, only love will do.

i was all three: the bully, the bullied, and the defender. but not at the same time. i used to bully kids when i was really young. even my friends, if they stepped over a line. i was a very pushy, very aggressive little kid. i moved around a lot. and one year i moved to a school where the dynamic made me the bullied instead of the bully. so i did that too. after that year it was middle school, where i was remained somewhat neutral, and became more the defender of my friends. i think girls were aware that i was more than ready to fight, so they would stop bothering my friends when i got into the action. i think the rage i had as a kid is related to my urge to nurture someone. it's this...intensity beneath my skin. and it only comes out when i'm loving someone or hurting someone. friends and family don't really see it anymore. i do enjoy defending people i take a liking to. there aren't many of them, so it doesn't happen all that often.

I have that feeling too. Usually immediately after i've masturbated, i become disgusted with the things i've used to achieve sexual bliss. like what adriansurley said, this happens with a lot of fetishes. fetishes seem to have a dualistic nature: one aspect of the fetish is its outer reality - what it serves and symbolizes in society - then there is the second aspect, the inner fantasy involving the fetish. once we have satisfied our secret desires surrounding the fetish, we are often struck by shame/disgust/indifference from its primary purpose. once diapers stop being a sexual object, they return to being the object you associate with babies and really old people. not sexy. it's no big deal and it won't stop. you'll eventually get over the compulsion to destroy your diapers and will keep them, knowing full well that although you want nothing to do with them now, you will later. just take a deep sigh, congratulate yourself on banging out a great orgasm, and clean up. over time, as you grow to accept your deviant ways, your feelings about your diapers will likely evolve.

for boys? ass ass ass. i love ass. and finding a thick one on a guy is a rare find. i love it when ass is pressing up against the pants! i get kind of stupid and start to follow it before i catch myself. for girls? red hair. it's not like i'm looking for it, more than i get struck dumb by it. i am a huge sucker for cute red head girls. i don't really like looking at people, unless i'm people watching from a certain vantage point. i find that i can easily make eye contact with people, and i don't care for to trade that awkward "oh hai i see you" nod thing with strangers. often i find a certain number of people looking at me. you can tell when you look up and people quickly snatch their heads away. but what's really creepy is when they keep looking, like they don't care that you notice. uh...hi you, uh, person there..

Nrrrg... This one paragraph confuses me. You claim to empathize with homosexuals. And if that's merely on the basis that you are an AB/DL, then I think you've made a mistake in the comparison. You go onto say that Christians should judge based on scripture, and what I know about Western Christian scripture is that it views homosexuality as "sinful" i.e. "wrong." So how can you claim to empathize with homosexuals when you follow scripture that declares it's wrong? Just wondering if you could clear that up for me..

Flamboyant, sharp, and always funny.. She will be missed.

thanks for the write off tip. awesome. i'd have to declare that i have a porn business though. hm.. i think you're right. when i'm on meninpain.com i get frustrated that i can't see the submissive's reactions. i thought it was because i'm a girl and not the typical demographic. but i think both the face of the dom and the sub is important. between the two a story can be discerned. but you're totally right, you want to see what the effect of such things like diapers and bondage has on a person. nooooo, bandwidth is expensive...sob.. ...oh my god i think my parents are having sex! Holy shit they're right above where i'm sitting having sex! holy shit! (i don't live with them btw, i'm just visiting.) jesus chirst!!! AAAUGH! i actually got a sewing machine and am making my first few stabs at sewing. (one word: horrendous, but i shall not be detered!) i don't think i'll have the skills to sew something as complicated as what i'm imagining for quite some time. also sewing leather is hard, and still expensive. so it will take me a while before i can fall back on that one hobby. you're right. if i disguise myself in really heavy make-up: thick eyeliner, red lips, strong hairdo and beauty mark, i can't imagine people will figure out who i am without the make-up. i could even apply a slightly lighter shade of foundation to further obscure my real identity (i'm bi-racial, so i look white but i'm just a bit darker than your standard whitey). also, i could use photoshop to alter my pics ever so slightly. totally. i can look like a lot of things. lately it's been slacker-chic. (har...oxymoron) good point. i just got a scanner. so maybe i can post some on this site soon. learning how to make a website is hard, but i'm working on it. no point in all this homemade porn going to waste under my bed. AAAAUUUUAAHHHH!!! They're going at it again! OH FUCKING GOD WHY?!!!!! SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! are they mad at me or something? is this some indirect form of revenge?! oh, and the cat farted. awesome Saturday night. freaking fantastical. i'm comfortable with females. what a good idea. hrmmmm...

Okay, so I'm thinking (thinking) about doing some AB fetish modeling. Me being the mommy of course. I'm a good-looking young woman and am considering a modeling career anyway (hopefully I'm not too old at this point, even if i am, i should be able to score some small jobs) and I really enjoy creating my own porn. I've seen what's offered as mommy porn and often think i could make something waaay better than that. Hell, with all the deranged things running through my head I have enough twisted ideas to fuel japan's red light district. I'm thinking I would do some softcore porn (not interested in showing off my vajayjay or my boobs) dressed in several different outfits that indicate i'm a mommy (or teacher, or nurse, or deranged kidnapper..joking!). i'd also have an AB that i would be doing something to (spanking, tying him up, making him lick my shoes). i guess the point isn't to see genitalia pounding into genitalia, but to construct a story within a photo: a whole situation that should (god willing) be a turn on. for instance i could dress up as a fifties housewife and have an AB on his knees beneath my poodle skirt. i can run the gamut from tame to severely twisted. is this a good idea? would anyone pay money to see this? i think getting another model to play the AB would be easy. the trouble is where would I get a good photographer? moreover how could i afford one? (lighting is key to professional looking photos, you know) also, how would i be able to afford these outfits? (they're pretty fucking pricey, especially anything leather). i feel like these problems have a solution. the one problem that doesn't seem resolvable is that i don't want to be recognized, which is pretty rich considering that i want to be the prime model. but seriously, i'm pretty ambitious, and i don't want this side project to ruin my chances for a good career/world domination. actually, when you get right down to it, i'm just a very private person, and i don't want to deal with this outside out of its context. i don't want the chance that friends, coworkers, and family members will recognize me from these photos. from what i'm imagining, there will be more emphasis placed on my face since its softcore porn and all. i've thought about wearing wigs, changing my eye color, even donning a little black mask, but i don't think those little black masks actually disguise anything. because the demographic for this porn is straight, single male ABs, i'm guessing that more people will want to see me than the AB. (Just like more focus is placed on the dominatrix than the submissive at meninpain.com - much to my chagrin). so how can i express myself - including all facial expressions - and still keep relative anonymity? i had one more idea about how to tackle this anonymity problem - there are molds actors use to change the structure of their face. Nicole Kidman wore one when she donned a different nose to play that one author in the movie the women. maybe i could do that. and then there's the whole problem of running a website and managing whatever business came of it. something i'm willing to do, but if anyone has tips on how to make it simple i'm all ears. maybe i should stick to drawing porn and skip all the pain such a project could cause. but it seems like a good idea and a really fun job! i don't know. any suggestions?

I'm gonna disagree with you there. ABs aren't historical reinactors (hm..is that a word, or did i make that up?). The point of the thing isn't to convince anyone that you can perfectly imitate a baby. The point is to satisfy who you feel like on the inside being who you now are on the outside. A 35 y.o. man may enjoy picturing himself as a baby, but will also do things that a baby cannot do (like use polysyllabic words). That doesn't matter, all that matters when determining what age one is in age play is how old the person feels, and satisfying the requirements of that age to an enjoyable degree. I like the title of Adult Kid. I think that better captures what my boy likes to do. He likes to regress to the age of about 5 or 6 and then anything younger would typically be forced upon him by yours truly. My boy acts like Dennis the Menace with an extra streak of evil, although beneath it all he's an angel. This is what he aims for when age playing, and it's rather seamless, mind you. We could age play in a restaurant (w/o any of the props tho) and he snaps back into a mature adult mode if anyone, say a waiter, approached him. Diapers only come out when I'm really horny. His pranks and bad boy antics is what he used in his childhood to get his parents' attention, although it never really worked. He does it again with me and is secretly pleased (I suspect) when I get angry and scold him. He also likes to be dragged around a lot, pulled like a little kid would be by a busy mother. The best thing about having an AK is forcing him into the dreaded diaper. Proving he just can't handle the responsibility of big kid undies. I think it's this false front - this adopted outlook that the AK "doesn't want" to wear a diaper that distinguishes an AK from an AB. AK's are loosely imitating the mentality and the goals of an actual child at that age, and that is what differentiates them from an adult baby or an adult toddler.

where does gender neutrality fit into all of this?

if that avatar pic is real then i would hope rockrat would not wear that logo, or anything else. okay, sorry for being a creepy perv. cool logo and all.

Y'know, i'm not really bothered that i have these quirks that can be explained with Fruedian analysis. if i'm doomed to replay this role, or other roles related to my past traumas, then, y'know, whatever. this is who i am and i accept it. i even like it because i can understand how i can be deeply fulfilled. i'm not exactly wracked with envy when i spot a completely sane, issues-free couple splitting a milkshake or whatever it is that vanilla couples do. i like being this way and i like finding other cracked weirdos like me. i completely agree that relationships with BDSM, regression, or the like have something deeper to offer. perhaps it's something most normal people are not interested in exploring but, y'know, their loss. thank you, and i'm actually no longer in New York. when you're screaming back at the ranting homeless psychopaths on every street corner, that's when you know it's time to leave. ("FUCK YOU!!! Your shoes are cardboard, Nostrodamus!!!) you would think it would be horrendous, right? but i've actually gotten more guys interested when i say things like "you wouldn't like me, unless you like suffering." it really gets men riled up. either because i'm playing hard to get or because i've touched upon their latent masochism. that's not the first thing out of my mouth (i save the really freaky stuff for the second date), but i do get good results when i begin with something deranged. me: what's your favorite color object of interest: blue me: blue's a stupid color and boom! two hour long debate with hot guy about color preferences. ending with a passionate stare and "we have to talk more, here's my number. i will convince you that blue is superior to green." LOLZ! you just reminded me of how my friends and i used to do the humpback swagger around high school (always remember to drag one foot!). oh, how the boys loved it. what with their staring, and slowly backing towards the closest exit.

dude, that would make an awesome contest. of course, people would be wearing something underneath whilst changing themselves. unless their genitalia was gorgeous, or shiny.

i should mention that i'm pretty sure my depression is circumstantial. my life has just been incredibly shitty until recently. so much so that it propelled me to be a prime example of textbook depression. i doubt i am genetically predisposed toward depression. i did not struggle with depression in my childhood or teens. i guess this should be acknowledged when i say things like "surround yourself with positive images, hyuk hyuk!" although i don't mean you should tape a dorky motivation poster to your wall and feel better, i just mean that one's mood and sense of self is incredibly influenced by the kind of company one chooses to keep. if you are surrounded by losers and assholes, it will be hard not to become one yourself (i should know). if you are surrounded by kind, happy people - not people who are irrationally chirpy, but people who genuinely enjoy life - their outlook will invariably rub off on you. i would suggest this book to anyone. but it is not enough to combat real medical depression. especially if you are more prone to it than others. but the book does psych one up to combat one's problems, if you choose to take it sincerely. the official term is called comorbidity. it is typical for people with learning disabilities and other neurological conditions to develop depression, social anxiety, etc., amongst other psychiatric disorders. it's hypnotic..

AAAAAAAAARGH!!!! WHAT?!! THEY DO THAT TO YOU?!!?? WELL LET'S GO BEAT THEM!!! HOW DARE THEY!!!! AAAAAAAAARGH!!!! FUCK THOSE PEOPLE!!! FOR FUCK'S SAKE YES, YOU IDIOT!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE WHEN YOU NEED HELP WITH THIS SERIOUS NEUROLOGICAL CONDITION?!!? OMIGOD!!! How the hell do you think we could help you when our realities are so dramatically different from yours?! you need to connect to other people who are also going through this! you need to figure out what resources are available! underwhere!!! you are so infuriating!!! jesus! it is so unfair to hold yourself up to other people's standards who can depend on a mental process you don't have! and it makes me so angry to hear that you allow yourself to be vulnerable to their contempt!!! ARRRRGH! i want to punch an informative medical brochure in their faces!!! What are you doing isolating yourself?! you need people to help you! YOU NEED A SUPPORT GROUP! this condition you're describing sounds so incredibly reality-impacting i can't believe you set yourself up to be tortured like this! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!!! Have you ever watched "Monk"? It's a good show, you should watch it. But the main character, Monk, has a personal nurse that follows him around because his OCD is that severe! HIS OCD!!! So where does that put you? I think you may need a nurse, or a good friend, to help you out in social situations. Don't listen to dumbasses who have no idea what you're going through! Reach out and find the resources you need to help and empower yourself! I am still so angry to hear that you have to suffer people's wrath for your mental condition! And you wonder why you're depressed?! That's like a paraplegic wondering why he's depressed every time he has to walk up stairs!!! ARRRRRRRGH!!!! RESEARCH WHAT PEOPLE WITH YOUR MEDICAL CONDITION NEED! KEEP UP ON LATEST BREAKTHROUGHS! CONNECT TO OTHERS LIKE YOU!!! FIND PRACTICAL HELP!!! – that may mean you will need a personal nurse Listen, i make it a point to tell my teachers about my ADD. and i will make it a point to tell my bosses about my ADD. not that i can’t perform my job, but that i may come off as spacey/thoughtless, and they need to know that that’s my ADD. Life used to be hell when I was a kid, because no one knew what ADD was. and if they did, many people suspected it was an elaborate hoax for lazy kids. (such as my father, for example). things are so different today, and that’s mainly because people are moreover generally aware and accepting of ADD. for many people, if you talk and act normal, you must be normal. and your claims that something isn’t right – something about you is dramatically different – will be dismissed with contempt and even hostility at times. i’m so lucky that ADD has so much exposure in the public’s conscious. that means more people will just accept me. if no one understands your condition, life can be hell. i’m so sorry you have to deal with this. you need to fight for your right to be understood and appreciated for the person you are. that means finding people who understand your condition and arming yourself with relevant information. i suggest you place support groups and any training relevant to your condition above going to a therapist. i don’t expect a therapist will help much if you’re still muddling through the confusion of living with this condition.

Actual scientific evidence?! Sweet merciful Jesus YEEEEEEESSSS!!!!! you lose! say goodbye to your not-inflamed prostate!

oh man...i am so gonna get flagged but i can't help it.. so you can't recognize people? that's it? that's your big disability? man, that is the ultimate excuse: "i'm sorry, it's not that you're boring, it's just my brain can't recognize anything about you that would otherwise make you distinctive." awesome! okay, i'll stop being an asshole and get to the crux of my point: if you informed people of the significant difference between your brain chemistry and theirs, i'm sure any reasonable person would forgive your social faux-pas. i can't imagine anyone saying "your brain can't distinguish me from other people?! HOW DARE YOU!!!" once you do this people will happily converse with you, a few may even be intrigued by your unique neurological burden (girls find that kind of stuff sexy..well, the crazy ones do. take it from me, i'm their captain). i have ADD and once i learned to swallow my pride and acknowledge that my brain structure is the type that suffers in a bureaucratic society, life became far more manageable. i am not less of a person, i'm just different and for fuck's sake, that will be acknowledged. i have gifts, i'm talented. i know that in other areas (such as evil plans of world domination) i excel far beyond the average person. i don't know anything about your condition but i am currently suffering from severe depression too. fuck, i never would have imagined this shit was so hard to shake off! i want to be happy, but some days it's like i'm not even given a choice. i have to fight - really fight - for a positive outlook. and that can be exhausting in itself. and it decimated my motivation! that was the only thing i could rely on to help me tackle my ADD - shit! you should look into whether your disability may combine with depression and make your symptoms worse. it's good to surround yourself with positive images, people, and thoughts, and keep fighting. eventually it will get better. a book that really helped me is titled feel the fear and do it anyway by...someone. i'm sure you can find it on amazon. it really helped me put my life into perspective. i still go back to it on those days when it feels like i got hit with a tidal wave of melancholy listlessness. there is a group starting up in my area called aphrodite. it's a group that acknowledges people with mental conditions and disabilities as people who are gifted, not inferior. maybe there is a similar group somewhere in your vicinity. you should go see. if anyone would understand your struggle, it would be a support group. that's where i'm gonna go next. also, i am so distracted by refridginator's avatar...i've been staring at it for like 8 minutes.

that emoticon is totally not what i intended.

... But they're so smooth now!! How will you ever be able to go back?!?!!

Sorry it took me so long to answer this, I had to think about this one. I couldn't tell you what I meant by "break" unless I told you what I suspected went on inside another person's head. So I'll tell you what I think goes on inside a person's head: I think that underneath it all people are beautiful and vibrant creatures, just like every little kid you know. But due to a lifetime of pain and disappointments, most people are compelled to pave over that vulnerable beauty with indifference and a wealth of other psychological defenses. It's these defenses - these falsehoods - I picture shattering like plates when I say (type) the phrase "breaking a submissive." For example, you may have employed a stringent form of self-control when you realized that letting yourself go can open you up to the humiliation of being stupid, wrong, a fool. You may wear your self-control like a body of armor, reinforcing it with rationalizations like "I didn't make a mistake, I followed the rules, therefore it was an accident." If you no longer make mistakes, you no longer look like a fool. Or so the reasoning goes. The only drawback is that an amalgamation of psychological armor doesn't allow one the pleasure of enjoying a spontaneous and carefree life. It might have locked you into a predetermined existence, destined to look out onto those fools frolicking in a meadow with a mixture of superiority and envy. Those are the type of things I want to break. Those falsehoods that were erected by fear and perpetuated by pain. They hold people back from honest emotion. They paralyze them. And I refuse to let these psychological defenses keep me from the person I love. I will not allow it to subsist between me and whoever bears the brunt of my beastly affections. And while I have the capacity to unravel it carefully, lovingly. It is stubborn, and it will persist no matter how many sweet nothings you pour into a lover's ear. Sometimes it seems the only way to quell a lover's doubting heart is to overwhelm him with the raging passion of your own. In short yes, I intend to help my SO achieve an orgasm of the soul. And, although the pain appeals to me, it is nothing compared to the thought of a sobbing, raw submissive stripped of all pretenses and reduced to his most elemental self. I am motivated by the vision of my lover exhibiting honest emotion. The pain is ultimately a necessity, a means to get there.

Hhhhrg... You say 24 is not an age where someone can be there for a broken submissive. You then say there is no age where one can be mature enough to break a submissive. So it sounds like you're saying that it is not humanly possible for anyone to provide adequate support for a broken submissive. I have to disagree with you on a few points. First, a BDSM scene is not the equivalent of emotional trauma. Things in a BDSM scene may look emotionally traumatic, but that's where the similarities end. A BDSM scene is controlled, whereas an emotionally traumatic event is not. When I was abandoned by a loved one I couldn't call out "Squirrel Alert! Squirrel Alert!" and said loved one rushed to me saying "what's wrong? is everything okay? are you hurt?" Control is an important difference here. Secondly, there are only consenting partners in a BDSM scene. We all want to do this, or else we would stop. I did not consent when my dog was hit by a car. These are two big elements that keep a BDSM scene safe and controlled and not a traumatic emotional event. Let's say I want to tie my sub to the ceiling and whip him until a puddle of piss collects on the floor. Even if I tied myself up to the ceiling and emptied my urethra, I doubt I'll be any wiser about how my sub will respond because he is different than I am, ergo we will have different reactions even if we experience the same things. Something like scrubbing toilets may be a pain in the ass to me, but deeply humiliating (and perversely satisfying) to him. This is especially true when it comes to a BDSM scene. I can't relate to my partner's masochism because I am a sadist. I think it hurts, he'll think it's ecstasy. But I can make educated guesses as to what he'll need after a heavy BDSM scene. Some ointment to soothe any wounds, and a great heaping of TLC, which I will be happy to give. I think it's generally dubious to advise anyone to emotionally traumatize themselves for any reason, whatsoever. I have read many conflicting things about breaking a sub. I don't think there are any qualified authorities out there on this matter, it's all peoples words against other peoples words. In the end I can only decide what's best for me and the person I love, and choose what advice to take from there. I wasn't really ready for so many people to try to talk me out of this. I know it's extreme, but fire-eating is extreme, and there are still people out there who do it. Not everyone is capable of fire-eating, and not everyone should do it. But those who think they have what it takes get together with other fire-eaters and have a grand old time. I think I can do this, I was with someone else who thought he could do it too. And I'm sure I will be able to find another willing partner again. We're both ready and aware of the dangers, and we place safety above all else. If we are safe and responsible, and this would mean a lot to the both of us, why should we not do it? I want to love this way. This deeply. This extreme. I know I am young but it only makes me happy to know that I have a lifetime ahead of me to explore and finely tune the ways to love another human being. My age shouldn't stop me from doing something I feel strongly about. Should I live a lie until I've reached the age others have decided is emotionally mature to handle such intense passion and unequivocal trust? I so rarely feel - really feel - anything. It's as if a valium has been wedged into my heart. I want to live. But how can one live when everything is easy and meaningless? Perfection is easily obtained. As is love, if I cared for it. I want to feel. And if that means squeezing life a little harder, delving into the twisted and obscene for that moment of pure white something then so be it. Perhaps in your world pain is a constant undercurrent that must be kept dormant, but in my world I feel nothing. Sorry, I had to scratch the oratorical itch.

Ooooh, just you wait. You'll be doing it again now that you know the feeling.

I wish there was a name for someone who encouraged cross-dressing. The idea of a man (especially a manly man - an undeniable Adonis) dressed in a hot pink silk teddy (oh..how I long to see the donning of a hot pink silk teddy..) wracks me with lust. I love the idea of seeing something delicate and feminine encase a thick, muscled body. The dichotomy turns me on. The easiest way to go about cross-dressing another doing a bit of 'forced feminization' in the bedroom. I think it's easier for a man to accept that he likes donning feminine attire if its under the pretense that he is 'forced' to do it by someone else. Then he can skip that idiotic-yet-obligatory "am i gay?" dilemma. No. You were forced. Your mascara ran and I liked it. End of story. Outside of the bedroom a man displaying a touch of femininity here and there is always appreciated by androgynous fucks like me. Funny how cross-dressing isn't an issue for women. No girl who puts on a pair of pants must launch herself into a philosophical quandary over whether these pants allow her to emote a forbidden side of her personality. In fact, one (if a girl) can even be self-righteous about it. I always am whenever I decide to whip out my three-piece suit (complete with power tie!) And I will be again when I wear a fluorescent cup tomorrow. "Can't girls protect their crotches too? Or do you have a problem with fortified vaginae?"