Ishigreensa

Chapter 75 Did It Work? Cait’s morning was clean. She had no more poops in her tummy. It was still pouring medicine out her butt, but it was clear jelly like stuff, not brown poops. She wasn’t allowed to eat anything and could only drink water for a while. Elora was there in the room when the doctor came in. “Elora, I want to talk to you after surgery today. Come by my office after Cait is put in her own room after being moved out of ICU. As for you, little one, Did you sleep okay?” Cait looked up at them, and Grandma was sitting on the bed they put in there for her. “Yes, Doctor Foster,” Elora said her head down. “Don’t look so down, Miss. Not many nurses would have stood up to their head nurse for the right reasons. You’re not in trouble. I just need to talk to you in private.” Cait looked up at him. “So you not firing her for lying about me being sixteen so that I didn’t have to wear a diaper when they scared me that they treated me like a baby?” “No, Cait. She’s not fired. That’s none of your business, but….” “Yes, sir. It is. If I caused her to be fired, then it my job to tell you it my fault.” He looked over at Grandma. “She takes a lot of things on herself as her fault. I don’t know what to say. I don’t like it, but she does it. She is seeing a counselor now.” “Yes, I am well aware. I was taken away from my family while a young enthusiastic children’s therapist called me up to chew me up one side and down the other. And when she realized I was following the hospital rules and hadn’t even known yet what they were doing last night, she called the hospital up without even saying goodbye. Too focused on getting Cait’s voice heard, I suspect.” Grandma smiled. “I like Ms. Harmony!” Cait nodded. “Me, too.” “Will I wear a diaper?” Cait asked the doctor. “No, little lady. At least not until you are put back in your room. I would like to talk to you directly about that myself.” “Okay. I’m not a baby though.” “No, Cait. Even when an adult has been in surgery depending on the surgery, it is customary to put them in a diaper until they wake up. You are allowed to say you don’t want one, but before you do… here is why I want you to think about it….” “Because Elora said last night?” Cait asked. “What did she say last night?” “After the mean nurse was go homed! Ms. Nurse Elora said that diaper makes not get sick because the potty stays one place in case they too busy to check you in time when it hard time at hospital.” “Yes….” “And… and…,” Cait thought he was going to interrupt her. “...And it keep more comfortable while wait to change my pants because I can’t help pooping my pants.” He smiled. “You won’t be pooping your pants until you eat something, but it’s the same with urine. Do you know what urine is?” Cait frowned. “Well, if it doesn’t poop, then it must be pee?” “That’s right. Pee isn’t good for your skin. While it’s not dangerous to wet your pants, if you wear it for long periods of time, you get a rash because it is not good for you. Have you ever drank cola?” “Yeah. All the time back in Mysery.” “Do you mean Missouri?” “Yeah, where Father and Grainne and Mama and my other sisters stayed.” “Have you ever tried to put a penny in cola?” “No.” “It will take an old copper coin and clean it in a few minutes by just dropping it in. The acid eats away at the stuff that’s not copper. Your skin is resistant to the cola’s effect, mostly, but pee has it’s own strong stuff like cola. It’s called acid. And it decays your body over time if you sit for a while, so it starts as a rash, but if it is allowed to keep going….” “Wait… wait… please, Mr. Doctor Foster? Too much. I not understanding it. Cola eats stuff on coin, and it good for coin.” “Well, it cleans the coin. It attacks the stuff over the coin.” “Okay, but then pee is acid?” “It’s got things in it that are acid-like, yes.” “Pee doesn’t like skin, so it eats it?” “You got it.” “And we need skin because skin makes us health?” “Sounds like you understand, Cait.” Cait frowned. “Oh, okay. I thought I didn’t.” “No, you followed exactly, Cait.” “So the diaper, it keeps the pee from being all over my body to keep the acid stuff in one place?” “Yes. It keeps the rash contained in one place so it you get a rash, it doesn’t hurt everywhere.” “Okay. Can I take the diaper off after I wake up?” “Not until I see you when you are awake.” “Why?” “Complications, and your stomach will be sore from being cut. That’s the main reason I want a diaper on you. If pee leaks into your open tummy because a stitch pulled that will be really bad, Cait.” “Oh! I don’t want that.” “I don’t either. Can you try to be brave and wear a diaper for me, not because you are a baby, but to protect your tummy from hurting worse?” “Yeah. If you let me take it off as soon as my tummy is okay?” “Deal.” The next few minutes happened quickly. Cait wasn’t sure if it was minutes or maybe more than hour, but she knew one minute, she saw Grandma stand back as they took her through Do Not Enter doors, and then Nurse Elora disappeared, and then there were masked doctors and nurses but Doctor Foster’s voice was in one of the green masks. “Are you comfortable?” he asked her. “Yeah.” “I have to put this plastic mask on you for a few minutes. It’s scary, but it will protect your body while we get the guts back in place and help them stay there.” “Okay.” “Please don’t pull it off your face. I promise, we’ll take it off once we don’t need it, okay? Just like we won’t make you wear a diaper any longer than you need it.” “Okay.” “Count backwards from twenty. Can you do that?” “Yeah.” “Slowly, Cait. The slower you count, the better.” “Oh, that easy then. 20...19… uh seven… no 18… 17….” It went fully dark. “She can go home tomorrow,” Cait heard the doctor talking before she opened her eyes. “The surgery went as planned, but sometimes, stitches and other complications like infection can make recovery hard. We want to watch her for twenty-four hours, and then tomorrow, if she’s out of the diaper you can take her home, but I want it fully understood, she doesn’t run… not even to the bathroom. She takes her time. If you don’t feel comfortable with her peeing on the floor or pooping her pants at home, then she can stay here a few days….” Cait tried to interrupt, but her voice was still more tired than her ears. “Uh….” came out as a moan more than even a thought. “She’s allowed to pee her pants and poop em… even if she wants to,” Daddy said firmly. “I told you when we first started. This procedure wasn’t done to make her stop going potty in her pants, but rather to make it a choice that she makes instead what a sickness does to her.” “Yes… I recall that questionable interaction now. I must say, her voice is strong. You know, she probably saved that nurse’s job. The nurse spoke against authority, and the hospital has fired people for less. Cait’s advocacy for her… well, I’m putting her on my team directly. The hospital can’t fire my staff without firing me.” Cait smiled. “Go..oo..od,” she said her voice trying to get strong enough to be heard. “Miss Nurse Elora should keep her job. I don’t like the other nurse.” “Unfortunately, Cait, the hospital likes nurse Sandra, and I do, too. She handled YOU wrong, but she is a very skillful nurse and she is still needed here. They did put her on week suspension without pay though.” “What that meets?” “It means she can’t work for a week, and she doesn’t get paid for that week,” the doctor told Cait simply. “She’s being corrected for the way you were handled, but we can’t afford to fire her.” “Okay.” Cait looked up at Daddy. “I let the doctor put a diaper on me, Daddy. But I not a baby, right?” “No, Cait. The nurses explained as well as Grandma that the doctor talked to you about it, and that it is healthy for you to wear one especially after the surgery to keep the wound sight from getting infected while you can’t move. He said he didn’t want to put a catheter in.” What meets a cat a der?” “It’s a tube that goes into your pee pee place that goes to a bag. They usually do that to either fully drain a bladder or to measure how much is coming out so they know you are okay, but he didn’t think that was necessary. He says that tubes in kids’ bodies can scare them, and you are a very bright kid that needs everything explained before, not after the fact.” “Huh?” “He said you are very smart, and we need to tell you before we do things, not after we do things.” “Oh. Yeah. But Daddy?” “Yes, hon?” “You already knowed that. You been telling all those people that.” “Now.” A little later, a tray of food was brought in and a different nurse was there. “Where’s Nurse Elora?” Cait wondered. “She’s taking the night off. She worked double shifts yesterday and this morning.” “Oh.” “I’m going to change your diaper.” “I don’t want you to. I don’t know you.” “I’m Nurse Thelma.” “I still don’t know you. I don’t want you. Grandma do it.” “She can’t, Cait. You’re tummy. Remember? I have to change you, not just because you might have peed, but because I have to check the wound, too.” “They didn’t say another nurse was going to come in. I won’t let you unless the doctor says he chose you.” “Why not?” “I don’t like the Nurse Sandy. She’s your boss?” “Yes, she is my supervisor, Cait. But even if you don’t like her, there are things written down that have to be done.” “Like telling a ten year old she has to be a baby and wear a diaper?” Cait fumed. “Like you can’t talk to a ten year old girl and tell her the reason for the diaper isn’t a baby thing? Like those rules?” “What?” “I’m not talking you unless the doctor says to.” The nurse sighed and nodded. “Auntie, you can help her eat. There’s no rule against that.” “See! You called my family wrong! I don’t trust you!” Cait yelled at her retreating back. “Grandma!” Grandma sat down and started to spoon food to her little cousin’s mouth. “Sweetheart, I know that the system is broken. The thing is, we have to choose our battles. If you didn’t like her touching your diaper, and that’s a battle you care about, then you know I’m on your side, right?” “Was I bad?” “No, Cait. You were not bad. But not everything can be a battle in a place that is meant to heal you. You have to learn to compromise. You have to learn to talk to people instead of just saying you don’t trust them. If you are not sure how to and you are scared, you can always ask my help. I am always on your side.” “I peed my pants. I scared she see and she mad.” “Well, Grandma will throw her out if she knows you are in a diaper and then shames you for being wet. In a hospital, a diaper means, you have a situation that they need to be respectful of, and they are supposed to be trained for. I’ll curse her if she doesn’t even understand that, hon. But let’s try to let the nurse do her job. You can tell the nurse if you want… ‘I wet my pants. I don’t want you to do it. I want someone I like to do it.’ this tells the nurse the situation, and that you understand her job, but tells her that you don’t feel comfortable her seeing you in that state.” “She still might try to do it,” Cait frowned. “Yes, Cait. In the end, I think we have to let Nurse Thelma do it. She needs to talk to you about it though. Let you understand why she’s doing it, not just tell you its the rules.” “Okay.” When nurse Thelma came back, she squatted down by the bed. “May I… Grandma Kinsella?” Grandma stepped back. “I just got the memo when I went to find out what is going on. I haven’t had a kid refuse a diaper change before. But let me try to help you understand something, okay? A lot of kids think the nurse is magically here all the time, and doesn’t have her own home. Your favorite nurse, Nurse Elora, just worked over 20 hours.” Cait frowned. “Let me put it this way. You are at your desk at school for 20 hours. That means school starts at eight in the morning… so you are at your desk until four o’clock the next morning. Sure, you get lunch recess. Sure, you can raise your hand to go potty. But besides that, you are working on worksheets and stuff the teacher tells you to do. Can you understand how tired she is?” “Yeah.” “Do you know what pee will do to your body if we leave you in pee for that long?” “The doctor said it makes me sick. I get a rash, and it can get in the hurt-y part.” “We don’t want that, do we?” “No. But if you change me this time, can it only be you until you go home, and then you show me the person who is taking over for you so I know she is the one? I don’t like a bunch of people…” she got blurry vision from tears starting to well. “I don’t like everyone to see bad, dirty, pee pants… pooping Cait with messy… I don’t like it. It… it’s hurts. Not like owie, but like I get really can’t breath, and scared, and want to cry!” The nurse put a hand on her arm. “I should have explained before I went to change you, Cait. I sometimes forget to check in with even adults. And kids… well they rarely complain. I just didn’t know what to do with a kid so young being so vocal. I’m sorry if it looked like I was mad. I mean, I was. I had to calm down. But I understand now.” “Okay.” “Can I see the diaper when you take it off… before you roll it?” Cait asked. “Why?” Nurse Thelma asked. “It’s just… I want to see how wet I was. If someone says I peed all over the bed, and I didn’t… I want Kooks, here,” she held up Kookaberry, “...He will bite the lie. Not the person who says the lie. He can’t. But he can bite lies. He tells me if someone being fair. If I don’t see how wet the diaper is, you can anything and Kooks can’t protect me.” “Alright, Cait. I’ll show you. I want you to know something though. I’m looking for three things when I change you. I’m looking that the wound is healing and not getting infection and stuff in there that shouldn’t be, I’m looking at the color of your pee to tell the doctor if there is more going on than the hernia, and I’m looking that you are peeing, and you aren’t having a problem where your pee system is hurting. You need to pee, and I need to know you are peeing. That’s why I change your diaper.” “That Why every nurse change it?” “That should be why. If you ever feel they are looking for the wrong thing, you tell Doctor Foster your fear, okay? You are allowed to tell on nurses to your doctor if they don’t treat you right. Did you know that?” Cait shook her head. “But Grandma called him last night.” Nurse Thelma nodded. “Well, sometimes, Cait…, even parents understand that the system doesn’t take a child’s voice to heart. Especially on the phone, she was right to have been the one to make the call. But if you see the doctor, and you don’t like something I did, you tell the doctor what I did. The doctor will tell me what I did wrong if you are too scared to tell me. You have permission to tell on me. I won’t be mad.” “Now… I like you.” Daddy brought the Spell for Chameleon over, and Cait clapped. This was a while after the nurse went to do other things. She promised, though. Only she gets to check the diaper, even if other nurses check the hurt-y spot. “Daddy? Nurse Elora did something. Can I have a paper and a crayon?” Sean nodded and reached in to pull out some real paper, like school paper, and because she asked for a crayon, he pulled out a crayon, but she saw pencils and pens in there, and she was colored paper, too… art paper. Cait smiled. “Let’s see….” She looked at the word Chameleon with the biggafier. How did she…? She wrote down C and then AM and then ME and the LE and then ON. Is that how she did it? Cait looked gain. It says Kuh. Am. Me. Le and On. Yeah it will work. Then she turned to Sean. “Can I have two pieces of you don’t need papers?” Sean nodded and ripped one of the black papers in half and handed them to her. “Too big,” Cait said as she torn them down. “Now. You read it good. But Pretend I you and you me.” Sean nodded. “Okay….” Then Cait demonstrated what Nurse Elora did the night before for her. “When we got to a really big word like this, she wrote it down. Then she covered the word parts like this. And then she opened the word parts like this. And Until I can read the paper. When I asked her about the H, she said well, Hour has the same H and so does Honor. So she said it’s that kind of H.” “So, when we get to a longer word that might be readable if it’s smaller parts, you want me to try this?” Daddy asked. “Actually!” she clapped meaning exactly. Eiboline smiled. “That nurse was a teacher, once. I can tell. And a damned good one. I never thought about rewriting the word because that was never done for me. They told me to use my finger to break the word, but then my eyes were crossed again. It didn’t work, so I didn’t tell Cait to use her finger. It’s just a circular thing if your finger makes it blend, and fingers on traditional reading lines, are too big anyway. They partly cover the part you are trying to read.” “Now.” Sean frowned at Eiboline. “I don’t think the young nurse would have known to do that paper thing if you hadn’t taught Cait to read with a ruler and magnifier to start with.” “I don’t know… she seemed to know what she was doing….” “Like other teachers at her previous schools? Eiboline, to be honest, I don’t think most people think like you do because a lot of teachers don’t have those issues. You just helped both Cait, and the nurse further helped her.” “Yeah Grandma! I wouldn’t even let the nurse read with me without what you taught me. I would be too scared to show I stupid!” While Cait was reading with Daddy, a boy nurse came in. “I need to check.” “You’re not Nurse Thelma.” “Oh, you’re that outspoke Cat?” “Not Cat! Cait!” “Sorry. Look, I’m not here for a diaper change. Thelma got it cleared by the shift supervisor that only she touches your diaper. I’m just checking the hurt part and going to ask a couple of questions I have to write down. Is that okay?” “If you don’t call me cat again or call meow at me,” Cait shrugged. The boy nurse was actually gentle. He did push on her chest a little and her stomach, but he stopped as soon as Cait made a face. He also helped her sit up so they could be more eye to eye. “Now, it will be sore for a while, Cait. Did I say it right? Ca hat?” “Better than some people,” Cait shrugged. “It’s okay.” “Well, it will be sore, so there is a really big question. If you stay in the hospital, and you can for three more days, then when you go home, you can probably play right away and stuff. You still might have little accidents until your tummy feels stronger though. But you can go home tomorrow, too. If you do that, you will need to use a diaper….” “Na-uh! Daddy says I allowed to pee my pants and poop in em if I want.” The nurse frowned. “Okay. But what I mean is, you can’t run no matter what. Not to the bathroom, not at all. You have to move really slow, so it would be recommended that all potties go in your pants and not the toilet.” “Okay. Won’t I go potties in my pants at the hospital, too?” “Yes, but we’ll have more nurses here so you aren’t making too much work for your big people. They get tired, too.” “I won’t make more work. I’ll wear pee pee pants for a while….” “That’s what we don’t want, and why a hospital is better. You must change your pants as soon as you potty on yourself, as soon as you can, and you must clean up so your skin doesn’t get more owies that might slow your other owie from getting better.” “Oh. I am ten. I know how to change pee pee. I can change my pee pee underwears and rinse off the pee from where I can be allowed.” “Are you sure? It’s going to be really tricky.” “Yeah. I’m almost ten. I don’t talk like another ten person because of people think I stupid, but I promise, I not. I feed my baby horse at home. I brush him, too. I don’t need help to take a bath. I can do stuff. I just got trouble read and time and math. But keep pee off me, I not too stupid for that.” “Well, okay. I’ll write what you said down. Then the top people have to by law, talk to your uncle.” “Daddy. I going to start not talking to people that don’t call family right. He is Daddy and she is Grandma. It’s important like I am Cait.” “I’m sorry. I’ll write that down, too. Says she will not respond to anyone that calls her cat, meows at her, calls her cousin anything but daddy, and her girl cousin anything but grandma….” Is that okay? “Yeah. Can you tell them if they talk me, they say Daddy, Grandma, and Cait to me? I don’t talk if they say wrong words to me.” “That’s fair, Cait.” “Now, I have something else to ask, and this is going to get hard, but you need to try. Can you try?” “Can I hold Kooks?” “Yes. Actually, it’s hospital rules that kids hold something they love when they are asked hard questions.” Cait held Kooks up to her own mouth. “Hamp-h” she said along with chomp chomp. Cait lowered Kooks to her chest. “Kook said that lie.” The boy nurse smiled. “Guilty. But it should be a rule.” Cait smiled. “Okay.” “So, when you last went potty, did you try to hold it because you don’t want to wet your pants, and if you did, do you know how long you waited?” “I don’t have a clock,” Cait frowned. She held the bear up to her face. “Cait? Even if there a clock, you don’t read it like them. If they tell you 40 minutes, they think you crazy because they said 40 is within one mark, but you count it 12 for one mark, so it’s longer for you.” Cait pulled the bear down and scolded it. “You don’t get to tell my stupid stuff.” She put the Bear up. “It not stupid, Cait. It make you confused though. Clock doesn’t help you, and doctor should know you can’t answer.” The boy nurse frowned. “Cait how many minutes to an hour.” Kooks answered. “Twelve. It’s the adults that messed up. There are 12 numbers on a clock. So twelve minutes on a clock for one hour is smarter. A clock doesn’t have 100 minutes!” The boy nurse smiled. “I have a compromise, Cait. If I may….” Cait looked up at him. “If I ask how many marks, and one mark is how many times the big hand hits a number so 12 marks make an hour, can you answer questions to the best of your ability if I do that?” “So, you letting me keep 12 minutes for one hour?” “Let’s call it 12 marks, so adults don’t get confused, too. After all, there are 12 numbers clearly marked. Marks will equal minutes to you and a number of minutes to us, but we will see the same passing time on a clock. Is that okay?” “Okay. Twelve marks is a one hour.” “How many marks, if you were guessing, do you think you waited this last time before you just peed your diaper?” “I promise, I waited as long as I can.” “I know. That’s what I’m worried about. Not that you peed your pants, but that maybe you didn’t pee your pants as fast as a normal kid would.” “Huh?” “Look, can you just answer. I promise, I’m worried about you taking longer to pee not if you pee it sooner.” “Okay. I had like 3 marks of no problem. Then maybe a long marks. I don’t know how long… it pre-pee. It means, pee try but nothing can see if I wear boy panties. Then I pee real pee and then two marks after real pee make my butt wet… it all came out.” “You don’t know how long these pre-pee marks lasted?” “No clock. I don’t know.” “Okay. I’ll get you a clock. We need to know, though.” “Why?” “I don’t know. The doctor just asked me to check. I think he’s worried about you huring yourself, but I’m not a doctor or even a real nurse yet, so I don’t know everything.” “Okay.” “Okay, when you peed this last time… let’s break it down… before anything, what you called pre-pee, and what you called real pee. Did you feel burning, hurting, or stomach pain during any of those points?” “Huh?” “Too fast?” Cait looked down. “I’m stu….” “No,” The boy nurse nearly scolded her. “No, Cait. You are ten. Even some adults ask me to say stuff again or slower. This isn’t how stupid you are, this is how good I’m learning, and I’m still a bit… well, stupid, when it comes to judging how fast or slow to say stuff to all patients, not just kids.” “Oh. But you not stupid! You made us find good talking to read clock the same by saying marks and not minutes.” The boy nurse nodded. “Well, yeah, but I had to. How were we going to meet in the middle with such different ideas?” Cait shrugged. “Okay, before you started to do your what you said were pre-pees. Did your stomach hurt, was it burning where you pee, or did you feel something bad?” “Before?” “Before.” “No.” “Okay, and during what you called pre-pee?” “I don’t think so. I don’t remember nothing feeling different.” And how about when you couldn’t stop peeing?” “It hurt when the water was coming out. It hurt like just a little but not a mark after it finished. Then it was normal.” “Did it hurt inside, or outside?” “It hurt on my skin, on top, for just a little bit. But it feels good now. It’s just really wet and slippery and slime and yucky.” “Good job telling me as much as you can about that. Now one last question.” “Yeah?” “Do you like vanilla or chocolate?” “Huh?” “Sorry, confused you, didn’t I? They has the cafeteria open right now and I saw some vanilla and choclate pudding down there along with some waffer cookies. So, do you like like vanilla or chocolate?” “With cookies?” “Yeah.” “Vanilla.” “Okay. Nurse Thelma should be in here in a few minutes to check your diaper and take some other vital signs.” “Can I ask a question before you leave?” “Sure.” “If you not a real nurse, or what did you mean, you not a nurse, yet?” “I’m what they call an intern. It means that I’m kind of between going to school and being at my first job. This position is almost like… well…, let’s see. You have a baby horse, right?” “Yeah.” “Are you a farmer?” “My Father in Mysery is. Daddy is a Dairy farmer, but he has horses, chickens, and some pigs, too.” “Okay, have you ever helped on the Dairy stuff?” “No. Just taking care some of the feed the animals.” “Okay…. That’s perfect. You are learning to feed the animals.” “Yeah.” “Do you get money for feeding them?” “No.” “But you help feed them.” “Yeah.” “Well, I’m learning some of the stuff nurses do, but I don’t get paid for it, yet. It’s okay though. I’m being taught at my level so I can learn how to help people. So, I’m kind of like the nurse’s kid helper.” “You don’t look like a kid… well… not a little kid. You look like big kid. Like in my group for kids that need help, there are two big really big like almost Daddy and Grandma age kids, but they there. They kids, so they can’t be the same number years old, but they big like that. Is that like you?” “Maybe.” “Okay.” Chapter 76 Nurse Thelma’s Intern Nurse Thelma came in just as the boy nurse walked out. Cait smiled and motioned her over. “Tell me, how did David do?” “David?” “The boy nurse that was just in here.” Cait smiled and put two thumbs up. “He asked questions and he didn’t even try to look. He just saw the owie and he asked questions… and… and… and he’s nice.” “Did he go slow enough?” “Yeah, but not the first time. He was talking all mixed up mouth like I get when I give a have to speech at school, and I’m stupid, so I scared everyone laugh me, so I want to do it fast. He maybe nervesed. But he knew I get mixed up so he asked in one thing at one time. And he going to say marks and not minutes on clock so we both understand when the big hand is ten. It ten marks. That way, I can call it minutes and he can call what you big people call it, but we both know what it meets.” Nurse Thelma. “I see,” she looked over at Daddy. “She has a special way of seeing time. There are more than a few things besides medical that makes us a little irritated at my wife’s cousin. But for you, her medical is what is important.” “You are right about that. I need to look in the diaper, Cait. If you have any pooping in there, I’ll wait so you can tell me first, okay?” “It just pee.” “Okay. May I open it and show you before throwing it out?” “Okay.” The nurse frowned. “Oh, my….” “I did bad?” “No, Cait. It’s not your diaper I’m seeing.” Cait drew air in her teeth. “What you seeing?” There was a sharpness and something was not right. “I think you’re getting a rash. See? This is partly what we worried would get in your hurt-y. But it’s worse than I thought it would be. This needs a doctor to see.” “Why?” Air went through her teeth again. Cait felt some pre-pee except that the nurse’s hand got wet. “Did you feel pain when you peed, Cait?” “It’s not the inside,” another breath. Another small stream of pee. “It’s okay. Try to finish, Cait. Pee all the way on the diaper, Cait. It’s okay. That’s where we want it, okay?” She sucked in more air in her teeth. The stinging seemed to sharped for a minute. Suddenly a flood of pee and the pain dulled until she stopped peeing and the pain full stopped. “Sit up, Cait. I want you to see. I want to show you what I’m looking at, and I want you to know two things. Peeing your pants didn’t make your skin do this just because you peed a couple of times. This is showing that your pee might have something going on inside your body, something that again, has nothing to do with you peeing. It’s actually, perhaps more related to you waiting too long. I wouldn’t be surprised if the doctor didn’t prescribe you medicine to make you pee more often without control.” “I thought the fix was to make me pee with my say so.” “Plans have changed, Cait. The real goal is, yes, for you to choose. But right now, something really bad is going on inside caused by you holding in your pee too much all the time. We need you stop holding it in on purpose. For how long… will depend on how bad Doctor Foster thinks it is.” “My skin got sores and tearing there.” “That happens when acidic pee eats at your skin, Cait. We will probably have to prescribe some very strong lotions and creams to treat the rash and keep the acid from attacking your body.” “And it’s not my fault.” “No. The fault is the system that made you do this to yourself. Children shouldn’t be holding their pee for over two hours. That’s one of the things David was supposed to find out, if you held it more than two hours.” “Two little hand movings? Two hours? No. I only make two big hand movings or three before the pre-pee started, but the real pee… I don’t know how long it was… so he going to get me a clock so I can check next time from when pre-pee starts to when I can’t stop it going pee all at once.” “Well, I don’t think we want you holding it anymore, at least not until the doctor says it’s okay, Cait. The longer pee is in your system, the longer it has to make your system sick.” “Can I still go home today?” Cait’s eyes burned and she shook. “I don’t want to be in here forever!” “Cait, I’m not the doctor. I don’t know if keeping you will reduce the problem or not. You have to ask Doctor Foster if you need to stay, and ask him why. He will tell you, if you ask.” Cait shook. “Okay.” “You want to get out sooner?” “Yeah?” “Learn to pee sooner and force it out… in your pants or diaper, Cait. Just until the doctor says you can choose again. Right now, the urgency is whether you need a catheter and if you need special medicine. Special medicine can be taken at home if you take it. Needing a catheter will require nurses to take careful measurements to make sure you are peeing enough. So, if you are holding it on purpose… try to pee on purpose. If you can’t help it, and it’s just stuck in there, that’s a different problem, and we may need to keep you longer, Sweetheart.” “Okay.” Nurse Thelma turned to Daddy. “I’m sorry to have to tell your little girl that she needs to wet her pants out right, but right now, she’s likely used to holding it beyond you knowing it. This is definitely abuse caused. I am going to have to send someone to your cousins. If you get in the way of that, I’ll have to re-evaluate if Cait belongs in your home, too.” Daddy hung his head. “Now.” Grandma frowned. “They live in Missouri.” “That does make it a little harder. I will be in contact with social services. If they can do anything, expect to hear from your cousin within the next month. I will warn you, that if you do anything to interfere including warn them…. You can be held accountable. Watch what the little one sends in the mail. Make sure that at least for a month, no one says anything. If nothing happens in a month, Social Services is probably powerless to do anything.” “Yes ma’am. We’ll watch the little one’s letters.” “I’m not allowed to write Grainne?” “Who’s Grainne, sweetheart?” “My sister!” “No one is saying you can’t write your sister. You can tell her everything except that the hospital is going to be talking to the police about your home life.” “But my sisters didn’t do nothing!” Nurse Thelma sighed. “The system isn’t fair Cait. Your sisters will not be the ones in trouble, but that doesn’t make them not feel like they are in trouble. Even so, if you write and sneak a message to your sister, you will get your Grandma and Daddy in trouble.” “Oh.” “Unless they are the ones hurting you?” Cait shook her head as fast and hard as her heart could. “Daddy been telling Daddy when he dropped me off that I smart and Grandma gives Daddy the look. You know. Like if you are a teacher and you a kid did something, but you can’t prove it?” “If I promise to pee my pants all the time on purpose, I can go home?” Cait asked. “Hon. It’s up to the doctor,” Nurse Thelma frowned. “But if your situation is manageable at home, yes, the doctor would have less a reason to keep you here… if it’s not just a promise, Cait. It’s real…. Diaper checks pee fully loaded as fast as you can and calling to get changed.” “I promise. I’ll pee and poop my pants on purpose.” Nurse Thelma sighed. “Well, you do what you can. But remember, whatever the doctor decides, it will be to help you the most, okay?’ “Okay.” The nurse sighed, and she put Cait in a diaper. “You have a lot to think about. Before you just start peeing your pants on purpose, I suggest you do talk to your big people. It will help you understand what you’re promising to do if you go home, and if the doctor thinks you are not doing it, you might end up back here again, and maybe longer. Not because you did anything wrong but because you might have hurt your body worse.” “Huh?” “Talk it over with your big people. You need to do that, first Cait. I will always be here to listen, but sometimes, you need time to think about what you are choosing before you are just forced to talk, okay?’ “Okay.” Cait pulled Kooks closer to her and she held him up. He didn’t say anything. There was no chomp. The nurse was telling the truth. That was scary. If Kooks had chomped, even if it meant the nurse lied, it would have been less scary. Chapter 77 The Talk When it was just Daddy, Grandma, and Cait, the adults sat on the edges of her bed, near her, and they hugged her a moment. “You understand why they might not want you to leave the hospital today, don’t you, Cait?” Cait looked down. “Because my body is hurt again, but different?” “And whose fault do you think that is?” Cait put Kooks up to her mouth. “Not Cait’s fault?” “That’s right,” Grandma rubbed her arm. “Being hurt for a long time makes hurts you don’t see until the main hurt is starting to fix, or I should say, the main one that was first noticed. But sometimes, the found hurt…,” Sean frowned. “That sounds confusing even to me.” “What Daddy means to say, is that sometimes one hurt is seen easier than another. Sometimes, the hidden hurt is worse than the one found, and sometimes it’s not. We don’t know in this case which is worse. But the nurse hopes that the hernia was the worst one. She hopes that the hidden one is not that bad, but she did get scared when she saw what it did.” Cait frowned. “How come it didn’t make my skin like that before… when I peed before the surgery.” Grandma and Daddy looked at each other confused. Cait didn’t think they knew the answer. Even Kooks was making threatening chomps at the air. Cait sighed. “We can ask the doctor, can’t we?” “Of course,” Daddy nodded in agreement. “You should ask him, baby. I’ll be right there when you do, so if he doesn’t understand, we’ll help you ask him. It’s your body, you have a right to hear the doctor tell you.” Cait smiled. “It’s not my fault.” “No,” Daddy rubbed her back. “It’s not your fault. Now, about going home. You know we want you to go home, don’t you?” Cait looked into his eyes. Kooks didn’t fully chomp, but he did nibble on a string on of the world. “No, you don’t. You’re scared,” Cait frowned up at Daddy. “Your heart wants me to be able to go home, but its not the same as you think I go home is good thing. You know something.” “Well, no, I don’t know anything,” Daddy said. “I am afraid of something, but I don’t know it is true. That’s why I want you to ask the doctor. I want to not say what I’m afraid of.” Kooks moved in front of Cait’s mouth. “If you say it, it might be true, but if you don’t say it….” Kooks became quiet. “That’s spot on, isn’t it? Damn those schools that said you are stupid. You are a lot smarter than they ever gave you credit for. So you can’t read at grade level, maybe if you had the magnifier all along, and a good teacher that wouldn’t be the case. So you can’t read a clock the same as the rest of the world does… still the fault of those that taught you time. You invented a time telling of your own because you didn’t know the world one. That’s being intelligent. That’s being smart, Cait. You know that, right?” Cait smiled. “I’m smart. I just see it different from other people.” “That’s right!” Chapter 78 Assessment Sean was reading with Cait again, but they were just going over the pages from 1 to 25 to help Cait remember what was happening from this book. She loved the story so much, she wanted to make sure she understood all the interesting things in the book. That’s when suddenly, Nurse Thelma came in again. “Cait, I need a word with your Grandma and your Daddy, and then they will help me explain some stuff. I am not used to talking to you so I want to, but if they understand what is going on first, then if I confuse you, they can help me. Is that okay?” “Yeah. Thank you for telling me why you want to tell them first.” Cait turned the television on while the nurse took her big people into the hallway to help them understand in adult language what was happening. When they came back, Grandma sat down next to Cait first while Daddy and Nurse Thelma continued to talk to the side about what parts were essential that Cait understands while the nurse cautioned about parts that could be confusing and scary for a child. “Cait?” Grandma rubbed her arm. “Doctor Foster, he’s nice enough, right?” “Yeah?” she turned the television off. “Well, the rash news got him really worried like the nurse said it would. He hasn’t made any decisions yet….” “Okay. So it’s bad?” “Well, he doesn’t know, Cait. So, what he has asked, is that the nurses check inside your diaper every hour.” “That’s a lot. I don’t gotta pee that much?” “Well, the doctor isn’t sure that’s true. But it’s not just that. Your skin is really hurt, baby. I think it’s more about trying to understand how the skin got this bad in just a few hours.” “I didn’t do bad?” “No, Cait. You’re hurt. You should have been seeing a doctor for a long time, and even the doctor wanted you get help not last Monday but the Monday before, remember? He had to follow procedures though since we weren’t legally allowed to take you then. Remember how mad he was at the system?” “Yeah,” Cait giggled, but she wasn’t sure why she giggled. It was serious. Still, the doctor’s face was funny when the hospital told him that he couldn’t do the surgery without the paper and insurance. “If she’s checking all the time, how will I pee without it going on the bed or her hands sometimes? It… Sometimes, I can control it… but sometimes, it just comes out.” “She’s a nurse, Cait. You won’t be the first kid that’s peed on her hands, hon.” “Honest?” “You can ask her if you like. I’ll be right there. It’s always best to ask the person straight when you can.” “Okay.” Cait noticed that Daddy was nodding and stepping aside letting Nurse Thelma come closer to the bed now. “Cait, let me help you understand why I’ll need to do two things that we didn’t talk about before, but these are the doctor’s requests to help determine if you can go home today…. I’m not trying to break my word to you. I know it might feel like I am. I am sorry. But your condition is worse than we thought, and we need to keep you dry.” “What you telling me that you changing on me? I don’t want other nurses to watch me pee.” “I know, sweetheart. But I am one person, and the doctor has made it clear, we need to keep up on this more. Now, my intern, you met him….” “David?” “Yeah. He’s going to have a stop watch with him. He’s going to be reminding me to check you when it’s time. When I am too busy, he will have to pull down your diaper.” “And he’ll be looking at how gross I….” “Cait, no. He will show you your diaper as you requested so no one can lie, but his primary concern is first, get you dry if the diaper is wet. Second, to check the rash and report to me if it’s bleeding, if it’s growing, and if it’s tearing more. We need to know how deep this is. The doctor thinks it might be worse than we are seeing because maybe you didn’t scratch at it before or maybe something caused you to scratch more at it since being in the hospital.” “I did bad? I scratched? It was itching!” “No. Hon. Everyone scratches irritation. But we do need to try to keep it from getting scratched. So we will be putting stuff on your private places, and that’s the second thing. I have to do it, even if you say ‘no’. It’s not to punish you or to take away your voice, but even with an adult in our care, if it’s something that is going to make you sick, we do have to sometimes do things against the patient’s wants.” “You do this if I was twenty-two?” “That’s right, little lady. Your skin is that sick. It’s going to help you. I am not asking permission this time. I am telling you what has to be done. Do you want to see the medicine we have to put on your pee pee place?” “Okay. But especially David. What if…?” “What if what, Cait?” “If you checking my diaper every hour, sometimes it just comes out. If you check me before I’m wet, and I am about to go… what if it goes on the bed or on… on… on your clothes?” “Little lady, if he can’t handle a little bit of little girl pee, he doesn’t deserve to be a nurse. We get pee on us all the time along with a lot of other stuff. Poop, puke, blood, just about everything you can think of. That’s a nurse’s job, to ignore the fluids because the fluids are not the problem. The reason the fluids are behaving they they do is the problem, and it’s never the patient’s fault. No one wants to pee their pants, hon. Not even a scared little ten year old like you.” “Okay.” “Now, I’ve talked to the doctor and we are going to break protocol if Grandma follows very strictly what we tell her to do.” “What that meets?” “When I am busy and David is inspecting the healing of your sore, when he determines medicine should be put on, he does have to watch to make sure it’s done right. The idea we even let a person touch a patient that’s not medical trained is not done. So you have to accept he has to watch. But he will let Grandma do it, if grandma does exactly what I’m about to do now….” “So he doesn’t touch?” Cait asked. “He doesn’t touch more than he has to, hon. If you feel he does something he shouldn’t… do you remember the right to tell the doctor on me? Well, you can tell me or the doctor on him if you are afraid he touched you in a way you don’t like. This is about healing people, not making things worse.” “Okay.” “Now, Grandma has to come over the sink here… see?” And she waited for Cait’s eyes to follow her over. “She has to wash her hands… put on these gloves, new ones each time, that I will leave here by the sink….” All the time, Nurse Thelma was doing it. Then, she sprays this alcohol on her gloves. This kills anything that we can’t see in the air before you are touched. Then she can put the medicine on.” Nurse Thelma came back and she showed Cait the first one. “This helps to restore your skin’s natural moisture, but not making it wet… unnaturally like sitting in pee does.” Cait nodded. The nurse went all the way through what Grandma does. Then she said “David has to look after she’s done, and he closes the diaper if he’s the one that needed to check. If I check, I’ll do all the steps. I need to do more steps than we are letting David do. That way, it’s more comfortable for you. And it won’t hurt not to be thorough every time as long as we are thorough enough to make sure you don’t get more sick, and I do check enough times that once or twice won’t matter.” “Okay.” After Nurse Thelma was done she covered Cait and she patted her head. “You were so brave listening to everything and allowing me to do things that I couldn’t ask your permission because they are necessary to make you feel better.” Cait smiled. “I like you.” The third time the hour came around to be checked, and Cait was still dry, she sighed. It was getting to be in the way of her watching television, enjoying her book, or even trying to write a letter to Grainne. She looked as the door opened, but this time, Doctor Foster was there with Nurse Thelma. “I need to take a look at what all the fuss is about,” Doctor Foster told Cait. “They say some little girl might pee on the sheets.” he touched her nose. “Seriously, though, Cait, it’s important to see what is going on.” “Will I have to stay here?” “I don’t know yet, little lady. Let me see what we have. They have taken tissue samples, and I’ve seen the labs telling me of possible causes. I more need to see what it’s doing to your skin. I’ll have to clean up around it to get a good look. Is that alright?” “Yeah.” He cleaned her and prodded a little, and then taking the gloves off, he nodded at Nurse Thelma to change me. There was a little bit of pee that got on his hand while he was checking, the moment before he remove his hand to let her finish peeing. “Well, it’s not as bad as I at first feared,” he sighed in relief. “It’s still bad and needs to be watched carefully. She will need to wear pajamas and probably something tight enough she can’t get her hands into her pants when she’s sleeping to lessen the impact of her scratching in her sleep….” “She can come home?” Grandma asked. “She can. But she’s to wear pants to bed with a belt to keep her hands out of inside her pants. That will lessen the scratching on her in her sleep. She will need to be watched during the day, carefully, and if you see her holding herself, you clean her up and assume she’s peeing her pants even if you don’t see it right away. Take her to the toilet at three hour intervals, and if she acts like she’s going to scratch, then check her before that. Keep medicine on her when possible….” He went through all the care in front of Cait, even putting Cait partly on his lap. “She’ll mend, if you watch her carefully. Now, what of her brothers and sisters? If she’s been neglected, I wouldn’t be surprised if all her sisters pee their pants.” “Only Roisin… mostly,” Cait whispered. “And sometimes… only because she holds it so she can take care us… but sometimes… my oldest sister, Grainne.” “Dan is supposed to have taken them to the doctor last Monday. I made sure they had the money so they didn’t need to rely on DHS.” “I’m afraid the hospitals will not do much with cash, Sean. The sad truth is, cash to check is not a promise of payment when the problem proves to be more than a fix they can throw a drug at. Your cousin doesn’t have Insurance?” “No sir.” The doctor sighed. “Well, let’s get this child recovered, and then maybe we can tackle having Dan putting the other two daughters under your insurance at a later time. I don’t like it, but I dare say your insurance company is fighting you as it is?” “They have approved Cait until December for now.” “December? That’s very optimistic of them.” “Well, Dan’s power of attorney expires then. Unless I can get him to extend it, and he won’t until December or until Cait stops peeing her pants.” The doctor shook his head. “Even if we called CPS on him, DHS wouldn’t really help them much more. I don’t really know what to do about this, other than to ask you to try to get him to change his mind. I don’t expect this child to stop peeing herself until she’s mentally healthy again.” “That mean my peeing isn’t still my control?” Cait asked. “Yes, little lady, that’s what it means. You are starting to medically mend, but what what your physical body does… is still controlled by your brain. Your brain is still trapped in a terrible loop of doubt, fear, and self-blame. I am not qualified to address those or insurance wouldn’t be your problem. However. I do know the hot headed Harmony. She’s fought for other kids before. If I have a word with her… we might be able to make it possible for you to continue seeing her as long as you make a payment plan with her office after the insurance runs out.” Daddy smiled. “I will most certainly keep up with that as much as I can.” “I know you will. And there are state moneys to help, if you get her called your foster child. The state moneys won’t help with everything, and they won’t cover even half of what you need, but they will help.” Daddy smiled. “Well, help is help. But the problem is she isn’t our Foster kid.” “Not yet…,” the doctor smiled. “However, if this Dan doesn’t have money for insurance, and it is kind of a lie. I won’t have any real power behind it, but still, official letters scare people in his position. If my office wrote him a letter that said we are thinking about actionable consequences if he doesn’t allow her to stay under your care… and as long a she’s still his kid, that means child support, but if he signs papers making you her foster dad, then he no longer has to pay child support and we drop all considerations….” Cait frowned. She didn’t understand everything they were saying. What she did know, was they were going to lie to Father, and they were going to scare him into giving her to the Kinsellas. “I love my father and my sisters and my mom,” Cait looked up at the doctor. “You can’t do that. And if he thinks it is anything to do with my doing, he’ll hit Grainne thinking she told me to do it.” Doctor Foster looked at Cait, tapped his pen on his lap, and then touched her nose. “What if you didn’t have anything to do with it? What if we looked at it as you’ll be in the middle of a school year. The letter will tell your Dad that the school found that you peed your pants again. We’ll have to wait for September, but that won’t be a lie unfortunately. I don’t see how you don’t still pee your pants, hon. But then we write this from the school perspective. If you pull your kid out of the school, we’ll assume you are trying to run, and that won’t look good on an investigation…?” Cait looked up at him. “You still lying to Father.” “Yes, Cait. I am. I want him to give your uncle power of attorney until at least next summer. That should at least get you started with your care. And Harmony will take payments without insurance if she has to. I’ve seen her do it before.” Cait looked up at him. “The school letter will make it sound like I’m just still peeing my pants, and then it will tell him if I get taken out of school, he’ll be in trouble for that, and not because I peed?” “That’s right. I will make it sound as if, and I would if it were true, that I told the school that you are recovering from multiple problems due to not solving a severe medical problem as soon as it started. I’ll say I understand DHS and other doctors dealing with them don’t always do their job right meaning he’s not even to blame for the medical stuff.” “That’s a lie?” Cait wondered more than thought it was true. “No. DHS and doctors that deal with it are limited in the care they give. Anything they do extra comes out of their pocket. For one person, it wouldn’t bother them, but they see hundreds of people like that over a year. That would be unrealistic to make a doctor pay.” “What meets un real stitic?” “It means it’s not a goal that a doctor can do.” “Okay.” Cait knew the doctor was lying about more than one thing at once in his letter to her father, but what she left the office that evening think was…. “Kooks? The doctor says the school thinks it bad to move in the middle of the year, and that if I move, then they think Daddy hiding something.” “Well…, he kind of is, Cait. If he took you out in the middle of the year, it would be from being scared.” “Scared?” “He knows that the doctor found out you get hit. It’s hard to hide those deep hurts from a doctor. He knows schools can take kids for hurts. So, he is hiding something. He’s hiding your hurts and moving you where they can’t check.” “Yeah?” “And the system, if it worked, would know you don’t just sit there and pee. It’s because of the two rules. The school’s rule of waiting forty minutes, and Daddy’s rule, once you start to pee, if you move, you get hurt or Grainne gets hurt for you.” “Yeah. That’s true.” “You two are so stupid…,” the ghost slowly crept into view from out of just-an air-appearing. “Daddy would gladly give Cait to the Kinsellas with foster whatever they called it if it didn’t mean they would take Grainne and Clodagh. Without your big sisters to help, he can’t try to keep the farm and find what little work he does in town, too.” Cait looked at Kooks. Kook shook his head. “Cait, you know there’s nothing to chomp there. What I know of your Father and you being sent here anyway, the ghost didn’t lie.” “So, I’m bad?” Chomp. “That is the lie, Cait. What people do, is what they do. The reason can still be a lie.” Cait sighed as Kooks settled and the ghost just faded. There was no conflict. The ghost had meant to bring it, but Kooks only chomp at Cait’s words, ‘So, I’m bad?’ The ghost simply had no answer for this. It was the first time Kooks Chomped at Cait instead of the ghost. In the background, the hum of the doctor’s voice was starting to finish. The hospital stuff with beeps and dit dit dats of printing things from the things that measured what bodies do, Cait’s eyes nearly closed as the doctor touched her nose. Cait’s eyes opened and saw him smiling. “Now, try not to scratch, little lady. We need it to get better, not get bigger sores, okay?” Cait smiled because his face… she couldn’t describe it at the moment. It was… not a harsh ‘I know what I’m doing’ man talking down at a child, but a kind gentle uncle-like face that says to her inner heart, ‘I hear you, and you are smart.’ Nurse Thelma rubbed her arm as Daddy picked her up, and patted her butt much as if she was a toddler in his arms, but he earned the right to do that. He had been with her through all of this, and she was safe with him. The scene pulled back towards the window of the room where a small fly sat looking around at the bed that was still messed up, the shiny white walls and matching floor and ceiling making it seem cleaner than it was, and the last of the machines that was still in the room was darkened and quiet. Cait’s thumb pushed itself into her mouth the crook of her elbow holding Kooks snuggly though he was also pinned to her shirt. Daddy was starting to walk with the doctor out of the room. His chest was a barrel of comfortable heat against the side of her face and ear. She felt a breath of a sigh escape. The fly slipped out of the room before the door closed, and it watched overhead as they approached the elevators. The people walking in the halls and other sounds were losing their focus to her ears. Her arms felt like they just rested from holding a gazzilion pounds over her head. They were now like wet noodles. The outside doors of the hospital shooshed open and her eyes were closing. She didn’t make it to the car before she was asleep even though it was still just late afternoon. She had no idea of what time it was, but she knew it wasn’t dinner time yet. Cait felt herself being lifted up again, when she next realized she was waking up. Her hands went right to her pants, but Daddy gently but firmly moved her hands up to his neck. “Cait, hon, we’re getting some early supper at McDonalds. We also need to help you change your pants, sweetheart. You’ve peed.” Cait looked at him in the eye. “It’s okay? I’m allowed?” “Of course, sweetheart. No one is mad. I just need to take care of it because the doctor said it’s very important that we help you for a while when you pee because of your sore, remember?” “Oh, yeah. The itches?” “That’s right, baby. Does it hurt?” “No. Just gross.” “Grandma’s getting your bag of stuff. We’ve gotten the pants that the doctor said to get you for sleeping in, actually a few pairs of them and a cute little belt that is hopefully a little tricky for you.” “Why tricky?” “Because you’re a clever girl, and the doctor said the purpose of the belt is to keep you from getting your hands in your pants because people tend to scratch at irritations in their sleep.” “Ear a shuns?” “That right, sweetheart. Itchy-the-ditchies?” Cait giggled. “Itchy-the-ditchies? I like that phrase. I sounds funny!” She felt some pee leak and she squeezed her legs. “No, Cait,” Uncle patted her butt lightly, but Cait understood that even though it didn’t hurt, it was like his spank. “You are not supposed to hold it. Wet ‘em, hon. It’s okay. The doctor is afraid of your bladder getting more sick. Pee all the way out, hon.” “Pee on you on purpose?” “Yes, baby! I’m your Daddy. It’s supposed to be safe to wet your pants when Daddy has you, hon. I just don’t want you getting more sick. Until the doctor says, you move slow and if you have to squeeze to hold it, then you pee, hon.” “Okay.” She opened her legs slightly and started to flood her pants. As she did, she held him tighter with her arms. “That’s a good girl,” Daddy rubbed her back. “I know it’s embarrassing, but we’ll get this taken care of so you have a choice—but we do it right. We don’t rush it because we don’t want to hurt you worse, okay?” Cait just shook as she held around his neck tighter until the gross pee stopped pushing into her panties and for moments, it also caused her to draw in breath through her teeth. It made the itchy part sting a little bit moments after she had stopped peeing. Daddy kissed the side of her face. “It’s okay, sweetheart. We’ll get you clean. Grandma has medicine to help the owies and the itches, hon.” She didn’t notice when they had gone into the restaurant, but only that suddenly, all three of them were in the bathroom together. It was a small bathroom, the kind with a locking door because it only had one toilet in there. Grandma helped Cait back to her feet for a moment to help her get her pants and panties off while Daddy just kept a hand on her shoulder to let her know he was there. Ordering food was not his priority. Cait was. Cait felt it in the way his gentle eyes held her even though tears started to slide down her cheeks. She wasn’t sad exactly. She just felt helpless that she had to be changed like a baby. She felt Auntie trying to tell her top pull her own pants down making her feel as capable as possible, and she felt Uncle brush a tear from her cheek. Daddy doesn’t do this. Not the other Daddy. He would tell her to sit in her wet pants and eat if she wants to be gross. But Daddy, right here, he’s going to order food in peed on clothes because he said that it’s safe to pee her pants on Daddy. Why can’t all Daddies be like Sean? Why? Grandma squatted by the toilet and she showed Cait the three kinds of medicines the doctor wanted on her skin. “This medicine will help with healing, sweetheart. It makes the skin feel encouraged to close around the sores that are trying to open because of the acid and your accidental scratching. Even though we have a way to keep your pants on you at night, it won’t stop you scratching over the top of the, and you will scratch in the day. It’s human nature. Daddy and Grandma might sound irritated when we tell you to stop, but we aren’t mad at you. We are just frustrated because we are trying to tell you not to do something that we know we’d have a hard time ourselves with, but it needs to be limited.” “Grandma? I won’t scratched.” “Don’t promise that, Cait. It will just set you up to fail. This is a very complex and difficult problem. Of course you’ll try not to scratch. I understand your desire to try to obey, but this isn’t about obeying, sweetheart. It’s about doing what is best for you. So sometimes, you can’t help it, but that’s why we have this second medicine. We we see you scratching, or when you feel really itchy, you can ask and we’ll check if you peed when we do since we’ll have your pants down anyway, and let you pee in the potty even if there’s anything in there… but we put this on you anytime you feel the itchy-whatever Daddy called it.” “The Itchy-the-ditchies?” “Yeah,” Grandma giggled. “And finally this medicine protects your skin keeping it’s natural moisture inside while trying to keep acidic pee and other moisture out of the itchy places.” “So I need all three on when I change my pants?” “That’s right, hon.” “Can I do it?” “How about Grandma does the first two because you’ll be tempted to itch. Then we’ll see how effective the itchy medicine is. If it helps you not scratch, I’ll teach you to do the protective layer yourself. Eventually, if you keep wetting, we should teach you to do all three, but we have the summer to do that, and we are supposed to watch it for now, so can Grandma just do the two and you do the one for a while?” “Okay.” Once the medicine was on, and Cait looked up at Grandma. “It hurts a little bit. You do the last one. I don’t want to touch it.” Grandma hugged her. “It hurts because your skin is crying loud, hon. It needs to heal, but it doesn’t like anything on it because it is too used to the pee picking at it. It’s okay. Grandma will do all three for a while, until the stinging calms down, okay?” Grandma finished getting her fixed up, and then she held out some clean boy panties for her, and she stepped in. These were different boy panties though. They weren’t the kind she got before. She wasn’t even sure they would hold her pee against her and keep it from letting pre-pees come out and down her legs. The legs of them were longer, and they fit more loose. “Grandma? These won’t help stop the pre-pees. I’m going to show real pee faster in these.” “I’m sorry, hon. Doctor’s orders. He said to get you some looser unders for a while. And Sean, Daddy, I mean, said that we’ll just stick to the boy theme to reinforce that it’s just underwears so you aren’t scared to go back to the boy panties when you get more control, but don’t want to fully wear girl ones yet in case you still leak a little.” Cait put a finger in her mouth. “I know, hon. But remember? You’re allowed to pee. Anyway, Grandma wants to see the pre-pees. If I see you starting to need the toilet soon, and we are at home, we can start taking you, but you walk at the pace I set, even if it’s coming out. The doctor said not to run, okay?” “So, if I can’t hold it and it’s wetting?” “You don’t hold it. That’s the point, hon. You wet on the way to the potty… even if you don’t get any in the potty. The point isn’t that you make it right now. It’s that you keep trying so that you don’t lose the dignity that you know what you are supposed to do. You don’t have to freeze and pee where you are.” “Okay.” Once Cait had a skirt on, a clean one, Daddy picked her up again and kissed her cheek. “Are you okay? Remember, if you pre-pee, you’re not supposed to hold it. Let it all out if you pre-pee.” “Even in the restaurant?” “Yes, baby. No matter where you are. You can ask to be taken to the potty so people at least see you trying go go potty, but you wet on the way. You need to not hold it until the doctor says it’s safe for your insides again.” “And nobody will be mad?” “Nobody important will be mad, and Grandma and I are here to tell them that shaming a medical problem in a child is worse than even a child purposefully pooping her panties right there in front of them. That will shut them up, hon. This isn’t anyone’s right to shame you for needing to heal.” They walked out while he patted her butt while carrying her to order food. “Now, what would you like to eat? How about a shake, or an apple pie?” “Both?” “Okay, but get some real food, too, Cait.” Daddy bought Cait the Chicken nugget, fries, and small shake happy meal and got her an apple pie, just like he said he would. Of course, that was no surprise to her, but just the same, it made her forget about the deeper stuff. For a minute, she felt like she was a little younger. She pretended to feed a fry to her constant companion, Kooks, who was always pinned to a leash that clipped to her shirts these days so she wouldn’t lose him. “Tomorrow Sunday,” Cait smiled.” “It is Sunday,” Daddy nodded. “Well, only, if I not allowed to run to make it…. Last Sunday, I peed my pants in front of everyone. Do I have to pee my pants in front of everyone at Sunday School again?” “Cait, actually, we’re keeping you with us if we go to Sunday School tomorrow. Your doctor needs us to watch and keep you clean if you pee. We won’t know if you peed if you are in Sunday School, will we?” Cait shook her head. “No, you stay with us. We can tell your class you’ll go back soon, but right now, you need to be watched for medical reasons.” “Okay.” Cait let Daddy pick her up again when they started for home. “Can I talk to Summerstone when we get home, just for a little while?” Cait asked from the backseat. Chapter 79 And Then, Cait Got Mad A cloud that looked down from high overhead, saw the brilliant timekeeper slowly setting the gray particles in the air ablaze in orange and red as it slipped further down towards under the horizon. Shadows fell long and deep along the ground. And glowing little bubbles of light started to slowly appear into the night. Over one house, along the long dirt road that many ranchers, farmers, and country folk used, the cloud sat listening to the joyous victory of a child achieving one more abstract level in life, perhaps, a girl turning from ten to eleven years of age. But that house was not the farm where our little ten year old Cait was pulling into. No, it may not have even been in the same neighborhood, maybe not the same city, nor even in the same state. Cait, however, came home in a different kind of victory. She was a little different. She was still scared. She still had her ghost and her little immature stuffed bear pinned to her shirt, and she knew when she woke up in the morning, she’d either be sitting in wet clothes, have pre-pee in her panties, or if she was fortunately, she’d get to in front of the bathroom, and then pee on the floor. But what was different… was that she had a voice. It was a weak, small voice, made by holding up a stuffed bear who spoke for her, but that voice wasn’t afraid to say… “That’s a lie.” Grandma looked back at Cait who was bouncing up and down in her seat, and more so the closer they got to the farm. No, she didn’t need the toilet and she didn’t have the pre-pees. She was nearly pre-pee excited to see her baby, and it felt like a hundred years since she had seen Summerstone. For all she knew, he could be a fully capable riding horse, but that was Cait’s inside. In truth only a few days had passed. “Are we there yet?” she was saying yet again even as she saw the house come into view. Her hands were jittery against the black belt across her lap wanting to get it off her and get the door open. She was scooting up and down in her seat, and her legs were bouncing so profoundly, that Grandma actually asked. “Cait? You’re not supposed to hold it, hon. Remember?” “What?” Cait asked a finger in her mouth and her eyes scrunched up in confusion at Grandma, almost making the face she’d seen her sisters, her dad, and even Daddy make when they didn’t get something. Then she burst in a single “HA!” not quite a laugh, but still a happy sound. “Oh, I don’t feel like that! It’s Summerstone! Daddy said I can see Summerstone, and the car isn’t off, and I want to rip this seat strap thingy off my lap and run out to the back!” Grandma laughed. “Well, we are going to in the bathroom for a moment so I can look at your sore first and make sure you aren’t accidentally holding it, then you can spend as long as you need outside, but remember… however long you are out there… if it feel like… and you are not in the house….” “I promise,” Cait pulled the belt off of her. “I promise, Grandma. Just hurry up and lets get inside so you can check and I can go see Summerstone! He must be my age by now!” Cait ran outside in just her panties, Grandma having given up on trying to finish dressing her after she did tinkle a little tiny bit in the toilet, and Grandma put medicine on her and the boy-undie-shorts that they bought her. These boy-undie-shorts… she didn’t see the point in them at all. Girl panties… Well… those were probably not allowed by a doctor. They were like… probably keep pee right by her place where the doctor doesn’t want it… so she’d have to wear something else. At least it wasn’t a diaper! She saw Liam out there! Wait, did she even see his dad’s car? She was in such a hurry, she now thought…. “Kooks? Did you see another car?” The Bear shrugged. The ghost seemed to slowly appear with its finger in its mouth. “You didn’t see the car, did you?” “Did you?” Cait asked. “Well, Liam is here, isn’t he?” “Yeah.” Cait ran up to the stable and called out. “That’s MY BABY! I can do that!” She was eyeing him brushing her baby down. Liam looked up at her from sitting on the stool next to the colt. “Well, I thought you’d be in the hospital until next week. I just wanted to take care of something that was Cait’s since she gave me a priceless looking card that looks official.” Cait giggled. “That was a peed on by accident card, and you know it.” “I don’t care what was on it, Cait. It was given with love just the same. And I value my friends.” Cait smiled. “Okay. You earned Summerstone time. But he’s still MY BABY!” “Yes, he is, Cait. And I am sure he’s be-he-he en waiting for you fo-ho-hor e-he-hever!” Cait giggled. “You do horse voices really good!” She walked right up to him and hugged him. He was family. She didn’t care if he saw her in boy panties or not. He wouldn’t tell on her. Cait started to sit and brush her colt. “Can you babysit me so I can come in after dark?” “Sure.” “I met this boy this week. It made me start wondering. If I am ten, and I pee my pants… and this boy is like fourteen…. He’s littler than you, but he still lots older than me. And he pees when he is scared about time…. And don’t you tell no body, either. He’s my best friend in that group. But if he does it…. How many people really do pee on accident?” Liam frowned. “I don’t know. I never thought about it.” “So you haven’t?” “No… well, at least not since I was in elementary school. I don’t remember my last accident. Maybe I was your age. You’re just going into fourth grade, right?” “Fifth,” Cait sighed. “I am too old….” Liam frowned. “Who says peeing is an age thing. You just said your friend is fourteen years old. I was just guessing because I didn’t remember how old you were, and I wasn’t guessing because of you peeing, Cait.” “Okay.” “If I ever ever introduce you to Holly, a girl I had a crush on when I was in middle school, you don’t want me to tell on Shane’s Secret… promise you won’t tell on my first crush’s secret….” He looked down and his face was read. Cait looked into his face. There was something fond in the memory. Liam either still liked her, or he still loved the memory. “I will never tell your secrets. We secret buddies, okay?” “Spit-shake?” Liam asked. Cait tilted her had a little, put a finger in her mouth, and asked. “What’s that?” “It’s kind of the way a farmer makes a promise that is stronger than just a word promise. It’s a pact that if you break it, it’s worse than breaking a promise. I mean, you spit on your hand and then shake the other person’s hand with spit on their hand. Can you break a promise like that… where you share spit?” Cait’s eyes got big. “Father at home would be sooo… Mad-Angry-bully stomping a snake mad if I spit on my hand.” She narrowed her eyes. “Daddy’s not here, and she spat on her hand. The excitement of it made some pre-pee she didn’t know she had go into her undies. Not even realizing she pre-peed a little more, she waited for him to take her hand, and they shook it, and Cait kept his hand longer than necessary, thriving in holding on to this gross detail as in saying… “Daddy? It’s gross, and I don’t care!” in her own mind. “He’s my friend. He is here, you now, and he says I can pee and you say that I’m stupid. So there!” Kooks cheered. “Yeah, Dan! Leave her alone!” The ghost immediately faded out of existence. Cait immediately started peeing while still shaking his hand. Then she sat down in her wet panties and started to brush Summerstone again. “So you were saying about Holly?” “It’s kind of embarrassing,” Liam’s red face couldn’t show it more if he tried. “But it wasn’t even a situation anyone with a good bladder could help, and well, I don’t know what her private matters are….” Cait turned to face him. “There was a huge storm scare around September when we were in eighth grade. It was really scary. And the school decided that we’ll stay in the classroom, just one classroom, for like… I don’t even remember, to tell the truth. But it felt like… well, honestly, it felt like days, but it couldn’t have been more than four or five hours. Still that was a long time….” Cait looked down. “Did she…?” “Yeah. She was crying and afraid of everyone calling her gross until she realized she wasn’t the only girl and for that matter, a couple of boys too… had done it. But then it was okay. But… what’s embarrassing, is I though she was cute at first, when she did… until she started crying. Then I felt like a jerk for thinking it cute for a thirteen year old girl to pee her pants in front of everyone.” Cait looked down. “At least you have feelings and understood her feeling. I take your being a jerk for a minute any day.” They sat in the quiet for a bit, Cait in her soaked boy-short-panties and Liam squatting nearby while she brushed her horse. He stroked her hair. “You go on being Cait,” Liam told her. “I don’t mean the pee-pee. That part is personal and whatever happens, happens, but keep asking. Keep trying to understand people. And please, when you feel strong, remember who you are. I think you’re going to help someone someday, and that’s going to be because you have the courage to ask ‘why?’” Cait kept brushing Summerstone though in truth, if she wasn’t intent on spending as much of the night as she could with him, she’d have wandered off hours ago because he was already brushed out. “You keep being a jerk that made right your mean think. Someday, a girl like Holly or me, will see it, and it will be just right, what we need to see then that helps someone.” Liam’s dad, Arnold came to the gate of the stable, and he smiled. “I thought you were out here. We couldn’t find you or Cait, and Cait knows not to be out here after dark, so the Kinsellas suggested looking here since Cait was still missing, too.” “She wanted to spend time with her horse,” Liam shrugged. “She hadn’t seem him in days, and to a little kid… that’s like a year!” “Well, we do need to get going though, so be a good babysitter and bring her in and let her big people know she’s peed herself.” “Dad….” “If you are going to babysit a kid, especially one with medical concerns that you are not willing to deal with yourself, you need to be able to tell her people. It’s not tattling, and it’s not hurting her. It’s making sure she’s getting the care she needs. Do you know how long she’s been like that?” “No?” Liam shrugged. “Well, her guardians need to know. And it’s probably a good idea to take her in as soon as she does it even if you bring her out here later. Again, no shame and not tattling. Just getting her the help she needs to heal, son.” “Okay.” “Understand, Cait?” “Yeah,” Cait sighed. “But I wasn’t scratching, and it wasn’t wet against my skin, and my inside owies didn’t get nothing on them, so there no worries.” Arnold shrugged. “It’s still the babysitter’s job to report every discomfort as soon as possible especially when it’s health related.” “Okay.” Cait wasn’t happy with her time being cut short with Summerstone… well, for a child who hadn’t seen her baby horse in a few days, anyway, it was short. But the clock had moved from 5 short hand and 3 long hand to about 7 short hand and 2 long hand. She stomped all the way into the door, slamming it, opening it and slamming it again for emphasis, and then she stomped into the kitchen and looked up at Grandma. “I’m mad!” Grandma smiled at her. “Well, I suppose you’re too mad for brownies and milk?” “I’m mad,” Cait frowned. “But I didn’t say I was that mad.”

Chapter 71 Morning Panic Cait woke up out of the darkness of evil, and the light of the day was shining upon her with Daddy there, Eiboline there, and with that lady from the day before there! Why was she there? The Ghost wasn’t there. “You had a hard morning, Cait,” Harmony whispered. “Do you remember any of it?” Cait put her thumb in her mouth. “Are we not talking about what we know?” Kookaberry asked from his normally pinned leash on her left chest of her undershirt. Cait shook her head. Cait saw a red mark on Eiboline’s jaw. There were scratches and jarring red marks on Sean. It looked like they had been fighting each other, only Grandma got more likes in than Daddy did. That would make sense though. Daddy doesn’t hit like Father does, and Daddy doesn’t let anyone dis-be-spect Grandma. The mark on Grandma’s jaw was probably an accident to stop her attacking him. “You don’t have to talk about this morning,” Harmony whispers with a smile. “We can work on something else for a minute, if you don’t mind?” “What?” Cait, the idea of wanting to know what she’s up to catching her interest caused her thumb to come out of her mouth. “Is it scary to wet the bed, Cait?” Cait shrugged. Not until last night. Daddy gets mad if she doesn’t wet the bed. Wetting the bed is normal. “Has your sister even woke up with you in bed with bruises before?” “Well, Sometimes Roisin sleeps with me and she says I kick in my sleep. She does too, though. But we don’t really hurt each other. We just get annoyed because it wakes us up.” When Harmony was finally leaving, Eiboline frowned. “How come you and Daddy got in a fight?” Cait asked. “A fight, Pet?” Grandma asked her whole facing to move in a small circle as though trying to search for Cait’s logic. “Your jaw got red. “Did I do bad things and you fighting to keep or sent me back?” “No, hon. Daddy doesn’t hit mommy.” “Father does.” “Well, you been with us almost two weeks. You haven’t seen Daddy get that mad, have you?” “I never seen him mad. You don’t hit if you not mad. You don’t lie me, Grandma. Be member, Auntie said she peed her pants at the time for field? I know it mean to say it, but I be member you had so you don’t have to be scared me say you bad or Daddy bad. I know getting mad happened.” “Cait? I did pee my pants at the field the other day. I’m not ashamed. And I am not scared to tell you the truth if Sean says something or does something that hurts my feelings, but he’s never hit me.” “You hit all over his face.” “No, Cait. I promise you. Sean told you that the farm big animals are sometimes dangerous.” “Oh! Yeah. I knew Daddy doesn’t hit! I sorry I said Daddy hits. But Father does. He hits Mama, and he uses belt on Grainne when Grainne bad or Grainne makes us little kids be bad.” Eiboline took Cait over to the dresser to get her boy underwears. “I can pee my pants?” Cait asked. “If you need to, you pee your pants, Cait. It’s okay,” Eiboline nodded. “Pee is not Cait, and Cait is not pee. Pee is just what the body needs, and Cait is Cait, a smart little girl that’s learning she can do a lot more than she thinks she can.” Cait smiled. Sean came up the stairs and stayed outside the room for a moment. “Harmony says that she appreciates us calling her, and trusting her to do the right thing. She says that house calls normally cost double, but if it’s an emergency, she will wave all costs, even normal costs until the insurance is settled. She says she’d rather take a pay cut than have a child going through that kind of trauma and the whole family being helpless to do anything.” “Isn’t that kind of her?” Grandma nodded. “Well, we are going to be a little late for our meeting today, but I’ll call and let him know we had a crisis this morning. Maybe he’ll still meet us today.” “You go ahead. I’ll just get Cait changed and let her see Summerstone so she can feel better.” Daddy nodded. “Do you want to hug daddy?” Cait ran over and hugged Sean. “I love you daddy. Grandma told me the big animals hurt you. I’m glad it was the big animals and you and Grandma didn’t hit Grandma. I don’t want to make you mad so you fight and hit Grandma.” Daddy reached down and picked Cait up and hugged her tight. “We are not fighting about you, Pet. We both want you here, okay?” “Okay.” Chapter 72 Shane Cait and Eiboline walked out to see Arnold working with some cows in the milking pen, and she saw Mama horse and Summerstone in her own play pen with Liam out there, brushing Summerstone. “You’re brushing Summerstone?” Cait asked Liam. “You weren’t feeling good. Your Aunt and Uncle were worried. We got here but your ….” “Daddy…,” Cait said patiently. “You can do it. Say Daddy! I don’t see any uncles here, assept maybe you and your brother.” “Daddy,” Liam nodded. “Go on, what about Daddy?” “Well, your Daddy told my Dad about everything that happened this morning, or at least the things that scared them. This lady came to talk to you, so My Dad and brother are over there, and I didn’t know if you’d be out here today, so I started to take care of your baby so he didn’t get weak on you.” “He said everything? Even I pooped my pants in bed?” “He didn’t exactly say that.” “Oh,” Cait’s face got red. She looked down at the ground. “I’m dirty.” “No,” Liam walked over and hugged her. “You are Cait. I don’t know anyone called dirty.” Handing her the brush, he rubbed her shoulder. “And Summerstone agrees. Don’t you boy?” Liam threw his head back and made this really good impression of a horse. “S-hu-hur-hure do.” Cait giggled. “You good at horse talk.” “I loved your card,” Liam said rubbing Cait’s hair while she was taking over brushing her baby. “It looked like an old authentic paper, too.” “Huh?” “The yellow stains gave it a look like it was really old and important.” “Oh,” Cait looked down. “I accidentally….” “Made it look old and valuable,” Liam rushed to interrupt. “I like it.” “That was pee, you know,” Cait whispered. “It was! Now it’s important. It doesn’t matter how it was made. It is the first card Cait ever gave anyone in Wisconsin. It is, isn’t it?” “Yeah, I think so.” “Cool. Someday, it’s going to be worth something really valuable in trading, and I’m going to have it.” “You weird.” “Know you are, what am I?” Cait put her tongue out. Sean came running out. “He says he’ll come here to talk to us. Something about having to resolve something with another Dairy Farmer.” “That’s good, then,” Eiboline nodded. “Yeah. He might want to check in Cait’s room though. I don’t want him seeing her mess. She’s had enough trauma for one day. He doesn’t need to know she peed the bed last night, or at least he doesn’t need to see the evidence of it.” “I’ll get the bedding and sheets. You watch Cait, Sean.” Cait walked over to the gate, Summerstone walking behind her. “Am I did something bad?” “No, Cait. You are doing everything right. I just don’t want you being on display if he decides to check your room. It might be good if you pick up ‘Front City’ for now though. You can put it back after he leaves, but he might not understand our methods if he sees toys all over the house. I don’t want him to judge you, Pet.” “Okay.” Cait looked down at her boy pants and then up at Daddy. “Daddy?” “Yeah?” “What if I pee?” “Well, that’s why he’s putting you on our insurance. That’s what we are fixing. Your choice to pee. Not stopping you from peeing your pants, if you feel you need to, but giving you the choice between not doing that, and whatever other bigger thing is worrying you.” “You won’t care if I pooped my pants while he’s here?” “Not at all…,” then he frowned and reworded. “Actually, I would care. I want to see your little face if it happens, and I want to know how you feel. If you get scared or feel bad, then you will be taken from his view immediately. You are not to be shamed for your body being sick. But if you are happy, playing, and don’t notice, then I won’t care to notice either.” “Okay.” With Front City put into a box and put away under the television cabinet where the VCR goes, it wasn’t out to be judged, but Cait realized a pee stain was on the carpet. “I gotta clean the carpet,” she told Daddy. “No, Cait. The man will not know what the stain is, and if he figures it out, he has too much time on his hands. He’s not here to find out every time you proved you need help. He’s simply here to see if the company will help us or not. It’s the doctor’s business how often you pee your pants, hon, not the insurance man’s. Different jobs.” “Okay,” but Cait put a finger in her mouth trying to make sense of that word jumble. ‘He fig yards out, too much time—hands? What about his feet and his head? Time doesn’t matter there? Doctor’s business for how much I pee, but not ni sure ace man? Different jobs? What job is ni sure ace?” Daddy took Cait up and gave her a quick bath and put her in a blouse and skirt set. She still only had boy panties, but at least she looked more like a girl. Then, this fat man with a thick mustache rang the door bell. “Good afternoon,” the man presented a card. “Mr. Glover.” He shook Daddy’s hand, took Grandma’s hand and bowed hi head to it, and he rubbed Cait’s head. Grandma got him some lemonade, and got Cait some, too. “The company will give you a ten percent decrease in premiums if you sign this waiver not to sue our company for anything Brady did, though it does not protect Brady if you were to sue him separately.” Daddy frowned. “Okay. But that’s not the issue right now.” “Right. As for Cait. You have a power of attorney will drawn up making you her guardians?” “Until December.” “That might be a problem,” Mr. Glover was honest. “I’ve seen how hernias can go. Sometimes, they cure them the first time with surgery, but sometimes, they need more care. I am also concerned that the hernia, being as big a problem as it is, could be hiding other conditions that would need to be looked at.” “What you mean?” Cait asked. The man started to continue. “So, it’s probably not a good….” “Excuse me, sir. My child asked a question. If you are going to ignore her, we go with my friend’s brother-in-law’s insurance.” “You… you were already looking for another one?” “Look. We are a community out here. I didn’t go looking for anything, but we farmers stick together, and he heard that Brady had terribly handled Cait, and honestly, with the trying to skip my wife last night, you aren’t looking much better to me. So, you going to talk to Cait, or do we drop this act?” “Cait? Did you pee your pants recently?” Cait looked down. “Excuse me! SHE asked a Goddamned question! You have no right to ask her if she’s peed her pants. The doctor will ask her that when the time is right. You aren’t a healer, so she is not obligated to telling you if she’s wet or not.” “Sorry. What was your question, girl?” “Cait,” Sean’s face was getting red and his hands were opening and closing from fists. “Address the little lady right, or….” “Yes, okay. I’m sorry. Young lady? Cait is it? What was your question?” “You said the Ha ya na might something. You said it’s hiding or something? I forgot,” she had tears in her eyes. “She’s a child,” Daddy told Mr. Glover. “She forgets when the conversation gets too far in. I’ll tell you what she asked. She asked what did you mean? She asked you after you said the hernia could be a big problem hiding other problems. So… she’s not dumb. She’s very smart. Just remember, she is still ten, so talk to her. Make sure you don’t use medical words unless you have to. Make sure she can respond to you. That’s how you know a kid understands. Want to try that again?” “Yes, sir.” “Go ahead, Cait. Just do your best. Daddy’s here if you need help.” “What meaned that ha na ya is hiding and it needs more something?” “Well, Cait…. I don’t know how long you’ve had the hernia, but I know that if it’s been any amount of time, you could have weak muscles, you could have other stomach and bladder issues caused by it. You could have digestive issues, and depending on the growth of the hernia, even lung issues.” Cait’s finger was in her mouth. “How come pooping can cause eating problem? That means dijustin, right? And how come pooping can cause breath problem. That what lung does, it help breaths?” “Well, first of all, a hernia is when your stomach tears on the inside, and the guts in the stomach area, the lower area, about right here…,” he touched Cait a little close to her hips. “This is where your intestines are. These are parts that help your stomach make food small enough to work in your body.” “Okay.” “Well, the ways a hernia happens, is your guts can try to climb into your chest, into your stomach which is really up here, or down into your pee pee organs or organs for babymaking and sometimes into your leg.” “Okay.” “The hernia can cause problems in those parts of your body it gets into, but it can also hide things in those areas that we wouldn’t know are wrong until we fixed the hernia.” “And that can take from June is 1 July, August… December…. Seven months, but more?” “That’s right. That’s why Brady tried to get the approval later. He wanted the doctor to identify what the insurance is paying for and try to limit what is covered. But I’m not happy with covering you to just December because your Daddy wants all the problems to be addressed as we can.” “Okay.” “And your daddy said you have mental concerns?” “What Mental concerns? That I pee on purpose at church or school?” “That is concerning for a ten year old, but no, something a bit more scary than that.” “Dan, her father, is giving us until December. Even if I need to pay a higher premium… couldn’t we just pay until December and renew in November? He’ll give us longer if he realizes Cait is getting better.” “The reason you are being given this power of attorney is you have access to insurance and he doesn’t?” “That’s right.” “What about DHS?” “That’s what they used before. DHS doctors either didn’t want to look, or they missed the hernia completely the last time Dan had her to see a doctor.” “I’ll have to go back and talk to my supervisor. How much more will you be willing to pay over what you were, if we let you renew it in December?” “I can afford double the monthly fees with a 100 dollar deductible.” “I’ll try to talk you into a better deal, but no promises. I do think we can get you insurance until December. I’m just afraid of what will happen if we decide we already helped her and someone in corporate says she should go back with her family.” “Well, one step at a time, Mr. Glover. If you get us help with the Hernia, we can find other insurance for Cait if we must after that.” “Come in tomorrow to fill out the papers. That will also be the limit for mental health since you only have the power of attorney that long, I’m afraid.” “We’ll make it work, if you are willing.” “Come anytime tomorrow. I’ll have papers drawn up until December, and my secretary can have you sign them if I’m busy. You have insurance until December. And your kid… She’s peeing her pants.” Cait whispered. “Sorry.” “I was just telling your big people, child. You didn’t do anything to be sorry about. This is why we are trying to help you see a doctor.” As dinner time rolled around, and Cait was rebuilding Front City in the living room, the phone rang again. Cait looked up. Did the insurance decide she’s bad and she doesn’t deserve them? “What’s that? Yeah, we can bring her by at 8:30. No cost? What’s going on?” Eiboline was talking. “Yeah, anything that we can do to help her would be a blessing. Friends? Like her?” “Sean, can we take Cait out to dinner tonight?” Eiboline asked. “What’s the occasion?” “No occasion. She’s needed at a trauma group that Harmony just told me about. A lot of the kids there have similar problems, and it pairs older kids and younger kids to help them talk to each other. Sometimes, older kids need younger kids who judge less, and sometimes, younger kids need older kids, who can teach them how to understand the difference between help and bullying.” “What’s it going to cost us?” “Well, that’s the beauty. It’s a low income program, so it will take DHS insurance, but also, we can pay $25 a month without any insurance. It’s not insurance based, so December dead-line or not, she won’t lose its support as long as they get their twenty-five that month.” “Yeah, I’ll give her a bath.” I was wearing my purple skirt and blue top. I like them. They are kind of bumpy and interesting to touch with my fingers especially over the blue top. It has designs in the fabric like a castle, but it’s hidden. It’s in the same blue. You have to look really hard to see it, but if you blind, you can see it easily. That because blind people see with their fingers. They told us that in third grade. I licked my lips. They still tasted like barbecue chicken. There is a brown building that’s big but only a few cars are outside. Maybe it’s late. A car stopped further back, and a little girl, maybe seven or eight years old got out and shoved with all her might to make the door shut. Then she ran up towards the doors. She saw a bigger girl with red hair in braids in front of her. The girl had red hair. Her top was too dark to see the color and her skirt was nearly knee in length. She tapped her back as she passed and turned to face her. “Are you here for playtime?” “Playtime?” “Yeah. If you are, you can follow me. You can pee your pants. It’s okay. Playtime lets you pee your pants. It’s not bad to pee your pants.” I looked up at Daddy. “Kids don’t say that, Daddy.” “Well, maybe she’s part of the group that was mentioned. The girl walked through some doors that had words on the glass. P-lay-tim-?e Was that Playtime? A man was outside the door, reaching for each child’s hand, patting their back and handing them something. “You must be Cait,” the man said. He had gray hair, blue eyes that were kind of tired looking, and his face sort of looked like Grandma’s sometimes. Daddy is strong. He never shows it, but if I had to guess, something had happened at him like Grandma. But he is trying to smile. “Yeah. Cait. Not cat.” I looked up at him. He took my hand. “We shake hands to let each other know that we are important.” “Okay.” “We safe hug, so you know that you don’t have to, so you can lean in as far as you want it, but you can pull away. That means, my body is mine. I hug you because I want to.” And he pulled me slightly patting my back. “You pull back as far as you want, and even break the hold. I won’t be mad.” I pulled back. I don’t know him. “Good job,” he whispered to me. I looked up at Daddy confused. He called it good when I didn’t want him to hug me? Finally, he put a round sticker on my hand. It had a Bee on it. “Bee-u-tee-ful!” I could read that! That’s how I spell it… almost! “Take a seat inside, please. I’ll be in there when all the kids are there.” I think he was talking to Daddy and Grandma outside. I looked up from the floor, and I saw these chairs in a circle… kind of… kind of like at reading circle time in second or third grade. The teacher’s chair is spaced out so she can see everyone. But in second and third grade, we sit on the floor in a circle around her. It’s like library time at school, too. But the kids… they all had stuff in their hands. Kookaberry was told to come. Grandma told me they wanted him there. There was this really really tall kid. He had brown hair and blue eyes. He had a little red and white fox. There was this girl next to him. She was blond hair and green eyes. She had a panda in her arms. There were kids as big as really big people, like Daddy big people, but only he wasn’t apposed to not be a kid, so he couldn’t be as big as Daddy. But he was. And there was a kid the smallest is the one that touched my back on the way in. The maybe seven year old girl. I frowned. There were ten chairs around the teacher’s chair. There were seven chairs with kids in them. I walked closer. “If you pee your pants, your in the right group,” a boy told me. I don’t know, but I think he was a little older than me. “We have head problems. You allowed to pee your pants if you want. It’s not bad here.” I frowned. “I didn’t.” “You don’t have to pee your pants to be here. It’s just allowed.” “Does kids pee their pants while in talking here?” “Playing,” the boy said. “Yeah. We pee our pants all the time when we play. At least three or four kids in any meeting goes home in peed in pants, but we just hug someone that pees and we see it. We hug them to say… we see you, but you allowed to pull away if you don’t want hugged while you peeing your pants.” “But… what if I poop my pants? I have a her a nya or something like that. It makes watery poops and it goes in my pants sometimes.” The boy shrugged. “That girl over there poops her pants and doesn’t even know why. The doctors say they can’t find nothing wrong with her body but Mr. Vance says she has sickness and injuries that don’t show up on bodies. No one ever laughs. She gets extra hugs when she poops her pants.” Cait’s eyes got as big as truck lights when she realized the girl he was pointing at. She was as tall as Grandma! She poops her pants? He can’t have pointed right. I must be looking at the wrong girl. “What if I cry?” “Most of us cry when we pee our pants, especially when some of us poop our pants. We cry, and then Mr. Vance stops what we are doing, and he teaches us to ask what happened. And when we find out poop happened, the pooped person gets hugs, and then he or she goes to the back with their helper-partner, and they change their underpants and put on some special clothes that Mr. Vance lets us wear, that says No such a Thing as Shame No More… No More!” I guess Daddy and Grandma had to stay out. The man, with black and gray hair walked in behind two other kids that just came in. One of them was a boy that looked like he was the same height and weight as one of Grainne’s friends. He was probably in Junior High or something. He had sort of thick but flabby arms. He looked a little bit fat. His face looked like he had a lot of trouble with pimples. Grainne hates pimples. Mr. Vance kept the boy next to him as he approached the teacher’s chair. “Good evening, children. If you aren’t seated, I’d appreciate if we could all take our seats so we can get to the fun stuff.” I sat next to the boy. “That’s Shane, the kid next to the teacher. Shane must have been having trouble or something. He keeps having to stand by the teacher a lot this year. He has a nice mommy and daddy, but he has trouble with kids in his school and his house area,” the boy told me who had been telling me about people. “He’s gonna definitely pee his pants.” “He is?” “He always does,” the boy said. “But he’s really nice.” “Hey, Johnny?” Mr. Vance whispered. “Do you remember what we talked about with letting other people tell about their problems rather than being the group reporter? I think it’s nice you are helping our new friend get comfortable, but you really shouldn’t tell other kids’ problems because you can’t really know everything. Remember?” “Sorry. Cait was just scared because….” “Johnny…,” Mr. Vance smiled at him softly for a minute and the boy got quiet. “That’s right. You let Cait tell us what is bothering her, son. You are really nice to make her feel comfortable, but don’t tell on your group, okay?” “I’m sorry.” “Young lady, can you come up here, please?” I looked up. The man was definitely like a grandpa. He had an arm around the boy’s shoulders even though he was fourteen, and the boy wasn’t scared of him. He wasn’t fighting or shaking. I stood up. The boy looked down. I looked down at his tan, brown, white striped shirt. I looked further down. His tan shorts were getting dark. He was doing it. He was peeing his pants? I walked over and looked up at him. “Mister?” I looked at the boy in the eyes. “Are you okay?” He nodded, but a tear went down his cheek. “Are you scared?” He shook his head no. “It’s just… I do this all the time. I want to stop, but I can’t.” I looked down and whispered. “Me too.” “Shane, this is your new buddy,” Mr. Vance told the boy. She’s struggling with a lot of issues, but one of the issues is almost like you. She feels scared at school and in public sometimes.” The boy bent down to me, and he sighed. “I’m sorry your first image of me, is seeing me… being scared of being late again. I’m exactly two minutes late. I didn’t use the bathroom because I was late. I did it again even though Mr. Vance says it’s okay to be late to this group… I just… I can’t be late. It’s scary.” I hugged him. “Cait, hon?” Mr. Vance took my hand and backed me up. “In this group, we never force others to let us touch them. We always always seek permission. I know you were just reacting as all kids do, with empathy….” “Apathing?” “Yes, sweetheart. Empathy. It means with a wanting to understand and comfort a friend.” “Oh, okay.” “But, little lady, you are going to learn that we do our hugs in steps, so it gives people who are a little nervous of a hug time to adjust to it, and time to refuse if they want.” “Oh.” “Kids, stand up, please. First the little kids. Show me you know the steps to hug your big partners. Cait, watch, please.” At the door, the man took my hand. The little kids did the same now. At the door the man put a hand on my back. The little kids put their hands on their big partner’s backs. Some of the big kids pulled back, some let the little kid rub as high as they can on their back, and some leaned in and hugged the little one back. The hug was broken when the big person pulled back. I think my finger was in my mouth, but even though I tasted it and felt it, I couldn’t take it out. “Now, big people, you hug your little ones. But this time, Vance went to one of the really big people, and he helped that girl do the steps. Then this boy by me, reached down and took my hands. “Are you going to hug me?” I asked him. “I peed,” he said. “I’m not going to do anything you don’t want. I don’t want you to think you have to hug a dirty big kid.” “Oh. I didn’t mean that. Grandma says when I poop my pants, I’m not dirty. I just have trouble from my her an a?” “What’s that?” He reached a hand on my back and patted. I reached up. He shook his head. “I can’t fully hug you. I’m peeing my pants.” “So? I pee all the time, and my Daddy puts me in his lap and even lets me pee in his lap when I’m crying.” “He does?” “Yeah. It’s just water, right?” “Shane?” Mr. Vance put a hand on his shoulder. “Remember, in our group, you are not late until you are over ten minutes late. Parents have traffic, younger brothers and sisters, and sometimes crisis that they have to handle with your peers here. We have a rule. Ten minutes is not late, it’s just arriving with difficulties. And being late is okay. This isn’t school or any place where you get in trouble for being late. This is YOUR playtime.” Shane nodded. “Cait, how about you tell us who you are, and maybe share a fun experience where you were happy.” “Not where I pee my pants?” I asked. “Sweetheart, I’ll never ask anyone to tell a group about your reasons or your struggles with your bodies. Those are private, and only shared if someone wants to because they feel safe or they need help from their peer or me. Just keep it simple. Who you are and something you did that was fun.” I smiled. I couldn’t help it. I was standing there next to a big kid that just peed his pants, and the teacher didn’t tell him to explain it, and he told him that he is allowed to be ten minutes late as normal and he’s allowed to be more late, too. And he was telling me to share something fun… not what I did bad. I think I like this place. “My name Cait. Please don’t meow at me. I am not Caaaaat, like the animal. I am Cait… light how you say I Cait the ball… kind of… but kind of different.” “Hi Cait,” everyone said, but the little boy was still talking. “Not caaat.” “I have him,” she held up her Kookaberry. “Kookaberry has his own troubles. He doesn’t pee his pants, but he has been born in trouble with love, too. And I have a baby horse at my home. He just got borned last weekend. He’s mine though. Daddy says so. He name is Summerstone. He talks like… Hi yi yi. I a ha ha ham Summerstone.” Everyone was smiling at me. No one was making fun of me. I told them and held up Kookaberry… and even the big kids had these friends in their laps they held up at the same time, and one bigger kid even put her thumb in her mouth. This was like… people like me! I knew ghost was somewhere. I never get peace like this. I looked around at the shadows in the room, back at the door of the room, at the books on the far wall, at the round tables with stuff on them, and then back at the teacher. The ghost was hiding. The ghost… she wasn’t anywhere. “Why you looking for that demon?” Kookaberry asked me. “Don’t let her ruin a place where you have friends. Leave her to haunt you where she always does. Don’t bring her here, okay?” I shrugged. Kookaberry was right. I whispered up at Shane. “What a peer buddy?” “We set up play time out side of group to be together, and in group, we help each other reminding that we are safe especially if we start to cry because someone is scared they got caught peeing. It’s really important during school. The high school girls cry the most when they pee their pants because it is somehow more scary and wrong the older you get that you pee.” I frowned. “If your body is sick….” “Not all of us are sick the same way, and it confuses us. I’m more sick in my head, which means I have less a reason to….” “Shane,” Mr. Vance shook his head. “We talked about this. Your reasons for needing help are just as valid as everyone else. Don’t do that. Why don’t you take your buddy with you and sit down so we can open with story time, okay?” Shane nodded. “Okay.” After the playtime there, a book, playing with blocks and talking to Shane, and really having fun… I was walking out with Shane holding my hand, and I didn’t even know I peed until I was in the car and the ghost showed up as the car started moving. “You peed.” I took my thumb out of my mouth. “Yeah. I did. And I don’t care.” The ghost popped out in an instant. Mr. Vance was talking to Grandma and Daddy all the way to the car about what his goals are with the group, and he warned them that my buddy pees his pants, too. He said all the kids that go there have incontinence problems of one kind or another. It’s a support group, and the big kids need this even as much as little kids. “Without it, teenagers die.” I remembered that last part he said. I scooted up in my seat. “Grandma? Mister Vance is my favorite teacher ever. But how come he said without the group, that teenagers die?” “I don’t know why he said that specifically to us. But I know he has his reasons,” Grandma said. “Just be kind to your peer friend, okay? He has trouble making it to the toilet, I guess.” “He pees when he’s scared he’s late. He told me.” I told Grandma. Not to tell on him or tell his secrets, but so Grandma doesn’t get mad at him for peeing his pants like Father at home does with Grainne. Chapter 73 I Have A Peer that “Gets It!” Cait bounced in the back seat with Kookaberry in her wet lap and she was talking about the group non-stop from leaving all the forty minutes it took to get back to the barn. “First, Mr. Vance makes us start doing contact in a way that doesn’t force the other person to touch us, even if we want to hold them cause they crying. He says it’s always choice, even if we need a hug. If they don’t want us to give it, they always have their big people. He says you hold hands first. Hands is a safe zone. We always hold hands. We pass stuff, we greet with hands, we do stuff like high fives and everything. Hands is safe. If they pull their hands back, we know to stop.” Cait looked down at her hands. “I keep putting my thumb in my mouth. I hope they don’t get mad my thumb is wet all the time.” “Shane didn’t,” Kookaberry said. “Then,” Cait looked up as Grandma looked back at her listening. “If they take our hands, we put a hand on their back. And that’s the hug. If they want to deep make it, I think that how he said it. Anyway, if they want the hug they can move more in. If they like the touch, they can stay where they are, and if they don’t like the hug then, they can pull back away. It not because they hate us, but because they need to be okay first sometimes. Mister Vance called it space.” She was rambling, but she was so happy, she couldn’t help it. “He read a book about a boy that saw a scary toilet. At the end of the book, he peed his pants, but his friends hugged him and said that sometimes, it’s just scary. It’s okay. After that, we played like… playing. Even high school kids were playing. Blocks, beads, stuff animal world, everything. Really big kids played and these two really big almost big people like your age, they play and peed their pants, and it’s okay, there!” “Daddy?” Cait realized they were home. “What happens when the time is up in December. Do I lose my new playgroup?” Daddy frowned. “As long as you stay with us, no, Cait. The power of attorney is limited though, not only in health care, but in allowing how long we keep you. Your parents have a right to get you after December. But we’ll talk to your Father and Mother, and maybe there will be enough progress that they let you stay until at least next summer. Maybe you’ll be healthy; both in mind and body by then.” Cait sighed. “Can you pick me up? I peed my pants at group, but you never cared before if I pee in your lap.” “I’ll carry, you, Pet. You don’t have to tell me you’re wet. It has nothing to do with whether I pick you up, sweetheart.” There were no nightmares that night. Cait was out the next morning, in her own pen where Daddy put both mother and Summerstone again. Cait was brushing him. “I found someone that doesn’t look at me like I’m a alien,” Cait told Summerstone. “Shane has some of the same troubles, and he bigger than me. He wets his pants at school, too. He gets scared. He knows how it is, the recess rule. He gets it!” Summerstone’s head went up and down. “He even peed his pants right there in front of everyone just because he was two minutes late. So I know he’s not lying. He couldn’t hold it no more and peed his pants because of being late is worse than wetting his pants. That is exactly me at school. It because the recess rule and Father. Father’s belt if I don’t come in recess on time.” Summerstone’s tail swished. “The the other baby horses talk to you yet? You know, if you go to horse school, I will be really really mad at Daddy if he beats you just for being a second late from recess. You go potty okay? You don’t let horse school make you scared like me. You tell them that your Mama and your owner, Cait, that we said you allowed to pee your pants if they don’t let you go, and then we going to yell at the teacher, not our baby horse who doesn’t want to do it.” Summerstone pushed his head on my chest. I patted his soft but firm nose. “You safe here, Summerstone. We love you, here.” “Wh..ha..hat’s the re..he...cess… rule?” Cait looked up at Summerstone. “Don’t you get recess?” “Do-ho..hon’t know what it is.” “Well, you get playtime at school, but when it time to come in, it time. Then you don’t ask to leave the room for forty minutes. So I take recess now, at… say it’s little hand twelve and big hand twelve. Recess ended. Now, forty counts for asking to go toilet… so I count the little hand to the 1… and the big hand goes 1 to 12, so that’s twelve minutes. And I have to wait forty. See?” “So ho ho… you have to wa..ha..hait….” But even Summerstone is a baby, so he couldn’t really do the math. “That’s like 12… 18… 24… for 2… 30… 36… is 3… you have to wait like four hours to pee?” Cait nodded. “Yeah.” “What if you didn’t go at recess?” “Doesn’t matter. Not allowed to asked. So… you wait… or you pee your pants… of if you are bad like Cait, you poop your pants, too.” “I don’t like your school,” Kookaberry fronwed. “Me, too. But all kids have to go, so it not something even Daddy can stop.” Eiboline walked out to the fence where I was in with Summerstone talking to him. “Cait? Can you come here, hon?” The little girl patted Summerstone. “Go to Mama, boy. I’ll be back.” Eiboline smiled. “Your mom wrote, but I found this tucked in the letter.” “Grainne answered me?” “No…. It’s too early for her to have had time to read your letter and answer it. This is her writing to you.” A cereal box was ripped apart and black marker was written on the insides of the cereal box like paper. Dear Cait. I am doing what you asked me. I know that you were right. It hurts to hold it outside for a long time. Daddy doesn’t hit me if I do it in the field. I told Clo to do it, too. She did it on Tuesday. This letter is going in the mail tonight, but you probably get it on Friday. Cait? Do you still pee your pants there? Daddy says the cousins are wrong. He says they can’t fix you because. I’m not going to tell why he said because. You already know his words. You don’t read it here. Daddy saw me trying to go to the bathroom on Monday. I started leaking by the bathroom when he was in there. He looked at my feet. He said pull down your pants. I got scared. I peed on the floor. He said Goddamn you! He said go to bed. Now. I think he’s going to make me do the rule you have. You know. No getting up at night now. You pee in the night. Don’t make a mess. He talked to mom about it. I’m scared he’s going to make me do it. It only happened once. I have to be careful if I don’t want that rule. Cait? Do you have anyone to play with? Do you have to work all the time? Daddy says you working there still. He said the cows are still going to get milked, and they have a worker for free. Of course you have to milk cows. Cows can kill. Are you scared? Stupid Cereal box! No more room. I love you. Grainne. Grandma read the letter to me by the fence, and then she handed it to me. “I wanted to not read some of that,” Grandma told me. “But then, you wouldn’t trust me, when you started to read. I knew I had to. I am sorry Grainne is having a hard time.” Grainne’s letter filled the whole brown inside of the cereal box in black marker. She found paper that daddy wouldn’t mind. She hided her letter in Mama’s letter. “Grainne has to pee the bed,” I looked up at Grandma. “That’s my rule. You stay in bed and you are wet, Father doesn’t get mad and look where you peed even if you didn’t. If you not wet, he says where you hide it, and he smacks your face until you find a way to make a wet on the floor to show him. Then he spanks you for lying, but you stop being in trouble of him being mad.” Grandma was shaking as Cait explained to her the rule. “So, your eldest sister… will be expected to lie there awake, knowing she can usually get to the toilet, but be scared into peeing on herself in bed?” Cait frowned. “So she doesn’t make a mess to the bathroom. She peed her pants, Grandma. The ghost made her pee her pants in the house. That was my fault. I didn’t do the deal right on Tuesday, and I didn’t pee my pants before you and Daddy saw me, and then I pooped too early after the second deal. I was bad, and now, Grainne is in trouble with daddy just like the ghost said would happen!” “Grandma can call Daddy, hon.” “NO! You can’t! Grainne will get it worse. Not only telling me she has to do it in bed now, but teaching me to tell you about our family private secrets. He gets really mad at Grainne and Clodagh when the family secrets are told. They tell them that’s their job, to keep us little sisters from telling people that he has daughters that are too stupid to stay dry and too willful than use the toilet. What willful means?” “Willful means you are stubborn or you are going to do what you want no matter what trouble it causes,” Grandma frowned. “And Cait? Sometimes, the problem with abuse, is it takes your Will away from you. Your Will is your ability to do good things for yourself!” “What’s abuse?” Grandma shook her head. “Well…, It’s like the insurance guy asking you if you recently peed your pants even though it’s not his business. It’s any time a teacher made you hold it when it was easy to see you were going to wet yourself. It’s your daddy telling you to purposefully staying in bed to pee, even though there is a good chance you can make it… and even if you pee in the hall… that should be encouraged over lying there and just giving up and pooping yourself to stay out of trouble. Does that make sense?” Cait shrugged. “I cause trouble. It’s easier for people to clean up one place than two or three.” Chapter 74 Cait Breaked The Diaper Wall Grandma shook her head. “Well, we have an appointment to get the papers from the insurance this afternoon, and then we are going to see that doctor again. So go say goodbye to your baby, then we’ll get ready to leave, Love.” A squirrel on the ground glanced left and right and chattered in its little head to its own ghost. Do you see anything? It looked at the two giant long legged things with pink legs at least on one of them, and as they walked away from the fence, the ghost relaxed and chittered to the outside squirrel. The car pulled out of the drive, and a cat in a tree over the drive, watched as the three people inside it seemed to control the car in their own ways. It was a wonder that the same thing could need one person one minute and three people another. “They’re going to fix my body now?” Cait asked leaning up from the backseat towards Grandma in the front passenger. “We hope so, sweetheart. We are going to pick up proof of insurance on the way, and then we’ll be able to see if that doctor who saw you before is in.” “What if she fixes it, but I still do it?” “I don’t know, Pet. But what I do know, is your Daddy often says, one problem at a time, and right now, I think that’s great advice. Don’t you?” “Okay.” Cait sat back, put her thumb in her mouth on purpose this time… she lifted her thumb, looked at it, and stuffed it in her mouth, and she hugged Kookaberry. The hospital was scary. Surgery was scary. Her chest hurt a little bit. “You don’t have to get surgery,” Ghost just-appeared in the car next to her. “Just tell the truth. Tell the doctor you don’t have this her nee ya, and that you just do it on purpose. Do it in front of the doctor. Poop your pants in front of the doctor so she won’t want to touch you.” “It doesn’t work like that,” Kookaberry frowned at the ghost. “If she just poops her pants, the doctor will just change her. Besides, the doctor saw her inside with a magic screen. She knows what’s inside.” “But the inside is Cait’s fault. She can….” Chomp. “Ghost is wrong. Inside isn’t a human’s ability. Inside has a place where something is just is, and if it’s not, it can’t be put back just by thinks of it.” Cait looked out the window. “My chest hurts,” she whispered. Cait was in the car with Grandma, and they waited while Daddy just went in to get the papers from the ni sure ace people. The pain in her chest felt like she was drinking cold water, like ice water, with her inside her chest, and it was floating at her chest and not inside her stomach where it should be. “Can I just poop my pants?” she whispered too low for anyone to hear. “You should,” the ghost whispered to her. “Make your aunt think you did it because you want. Maybe she will tell Daddy that you just did it and you don’t need the doctor.” Chomp! “Grandma, stupid Ghost, Grandma! And Grandma smarter than you, Smarter than Father, and smarter than even the doctor. She knows Cait.” “Cait, hon?” “See?” Kookaberry stared the Ghost until it dis-just-appeared. “Yeah?” Cait asked holding her chest. “It’s okay to be scared, child. And if you need to, you can pee your pants. Grandma doesn’t expect you won’t. This is really scary, and you don’t know what will happen. The doctor expects you to wet your pants, too, hon. She’s dealt with kids that have hurts like yours, and she knows it’s scary and that your body isn’t yours, right now. She won’t yell. If she did, Grandma will teach her how you are supposed to treat kids with scary problems.” “Yeah,” Cait’s voice fell. “I told you, Cait. Grandma knows you want to poop. She just said wet so you don’t feel like she’s watching you. She doesn’t have to watch. She knows you. She been cleaning you since you got here. She loves you.” “Yeah,” Cait’s voice got a little louder. “What if I did do it on purpose, Kooks?” “Grandma said to do it. She said it’s expected. Why should you have to go and do it on a scary time, instead of just doing it on your time. Grandma knows you are scared, even if you do it on our time and not the scary time of doing it in front of other people. Who knows if it will come out in the big room where they wait you to be called? All those people watching? Do it now is your choice, and didn’t Daddy say it not about if you do it but giving you the choice? You tell him you did it on purpose and see if he’s telling the truth, about if he cares it is your choice. He says it should be your choice.” “What if he kicked me out?” “Grandma won’t let him. Grandma told you to go ahead. She knows you gonna poop. So just do it.” Cait sighed. “Look, let’s say they would kick you out. Isn’t it better to know now instead of find out after all this scary stuff, that they kick you out and you find out it was a lie all this time?” Cait held Kooks closer. “Can I hold you while I poop my pants?” “Yeah. Squeeze me with all your might until you pooping is done. You are my person. I want you to squeeze me if you’re scared. Then you don’t accidentally pinch someone that not made for it.” “I can honestly poop and pee my pant with you?” “Yeah. Do it. Do you think the little boy never peed on me?” “He did?” “I don’t remember. But he probably did. I don’t deny little big people the right to pee or poop. I am here for comfort, not judgment. And I won’t remember if you pottied on me too, if I am put in the hands of someone else. Your secrets stay your own unless someone else tells. I never tell my big people’s secrets.” “Okay.” Cait leaned up. “Grandma? I don’t want the people in the hospital waiting place to see me do it.” “Hon?” Daddy was walking back from the building. “I want to do it on purpose… poop my pants.” Grandma turned to face her. “Baby. You’re scared?” Cait nodded. Grandma got out and she started to move around the car. Daddy stopped and they looked at one another as she went to the back door. “Is Cait okay?” “She needs comfort, Sean. She’s about to poop her pants. She wants permission to do it right now, on her own terms instead of in front of other people.” “I can take her in the building.” “Sean? I think if she thought she could make it, she would have asked me to take her in. I don’t think she has a choice but poop her pants, and she’s scared. Let her just do it.” He nodded. “I’d never tell her not to poop her pants. I want it to be her choice. I just want it to be… her choice. Not fear scaring her into it.” Cait felt the tightness in her chest, the gentle pushing at her bottom. She could hold it and go inside, if she wanted to, but she didn’t want to. She didn’t want to get out of the car. She hoped Grandma won this time. “Sean. Let’s trust she knows what she wants?” Eiboline whispered. “For the child’s sake, let’s trust her to know if she wants to poop her pants, or if she wants us to try to take her.” “Alright.” Sean went to Cait’s window, all the way around the car to her window. He motioned for her to roll it down. Cait did, her butt still trying to resist it coming out. “Cait, Auntie has this magic I told you about before, where women sense things. I don’t have that. Can you tell me if it’s your choice to poop your pants, or if it’s fear that I will get mad if someone sees you do it, before I agree to let you poop your pants?” “I want to. I’m sorry. I really want to. Not because you not embarrassed. Because they see after it. But I don’t have to let no one watching me do it assept Daddy and Grandma. You said it my choice. That why you want me fix, so I can do it if I want, and not because I can’t choose… or….” “That’s exactly right, Pet. You go ahead and poop your pants, then hon. I’ll drive slow so you have time to finish going in your pants, okay?” “Honest? You letting me choose to do it?” “Honest, Pet. We have clean clothes for you with us. We knew you’d pee at some point. This is scary. It’s better you choose where it happens. You do it, baby, and we’ll clean you up before the doctor sees… in the car even, if you aren’t scared of being changed in the car.” “I like being changed in the car better. Less people will see.” “Then we’ll keep driving around until say you finished going potty, and then we’ll pull over, change your pants, and then take you into the hospital as if nothing happened, is that okay?” “I love you, Daddy and Grandma!” I sighed as I got out of the car, my messy skirt and panties on the floor of the car, but Daddy picked me up and turned my head away from the mess. “No going back on doing what you knew to be right for yourself, little Pet. You decided, and now we go in clean. Put your thumb in your mouth if you want, and hold your Kookaberry. Kookaberry knows why you chose this, and he chooses you, baby.” And like that, the Kinsellas went into the hospital together as a family. Daddy even carried the ten year old up to the register place, and he whispered in at the lady. “This is Cait. You’ll direct your questions to her. I’ll help her with what she needs help answering, but talk to her. She’s a big girl.” Cait was handed papers and documents as they asked, and she pushed them to the nurse people inside there. “Can you give us a pee sample?” the lady asked. “Only if you want to go out to the car and get my messy panties. I went potty in the car.” “That’s alright. We can proceed without it. You’ll need to do some other tests, though.” “Okay.” The Kinsellas stayed right by Cait’s side the whole time they were testing her and from start to finish, if Eiboline needed the toilet, Sean held Cait. If Sean went to the toilet, he put her right on Eiboline’s lap in the wait periods. They kept her in their laps until all the tests… the most painful and scary, the blood taking was done right in Sean’s lap while she peed her pants… on purpose… on him. They were finally in a room where they put a second bed. “We have a policy that a parent can stay the night with kids under thirteen in these situations. We even provide a bed for you.” “Thank you so much.” Cait looked up at the nurse. “I peed on the blood test. I scared and I hurted, and I peed on purpose. I wanted… I chose to pee my pants. It made it hurt less. Because I focused to pee in front of people made the needle not get feeling in my arm.” The nurse smiled. “You’re not the first one to pee your pants, but now, I understand why some twelve year olds do it. Thank you for explaining that.” Later, in Cait’s little bedroom for the night, people set Cait up with what she needed, and then a nurse came in to start getting her ready for surgery that would happen the next day. The nurse with the medicine in a bottle that Cait immediately recognized from last weekend flashed in front of Sean. “We need Cait to….” “Wrong person,” Sean frowned. “I will hold her while you explain it to her, and I’ll help her understand what you need her to, but she’s smart. Tell her why she has to drink it and I promise you, she will understand and she’ll do it even if she thought you were being mean. That’s how she is right now. Explaining it to her makes you seem less mean.” “Oh. Usually, kids understand when parents….” “Trust me. She doesn’t fully understand or trust parents anymore… not in the traditional way a child should trust them. You will find the notes with your doctor if it’s important for understanding. But this little brave warrior has had to fight a world for a long time without the parents that protect her. So, trust me, she will trust YOU a lot more if you talk to HER, and not just to me. She trusts me, but that’s because I make sure SHE gets to ask questions and understand.” The nurse sighed and she approached Cait. “Hey, little warrior? Can you climb in one of your big people’s lap. I have something scary to explain to help you get ready for tomorrow. I need your full attention.” She saw Cait’s raising thumb that was slowly climbing to her mouth. “Yes, Cait, your thumb can go in your mouth, but not when you’re talking. I want to understand what you say if you ask me something.” “Okay.” I liked this lady. “Do you know what this medicine is?” The nurse asked me. “Yeah. It makes me poop my pants so it all comes out and I can pee easy again. It makes my chest hurt less, too, when I want to poop.” “Well, tonight it will make you potty your pants. We are going to put you in a diaper.” “No! No diapers. I not a baby. I poop my own underwears.” “Cait, we need you to wear a diaper….” “NO!” Sean looked up at the nurse. “Why do you need a diaper on her. If I pay for the bed or sheets, does it matter if she poops her pants?” The nurse frowned. “Clean up is….” “Eiboline will stay with her. Eiboline will clean her up.” “That’s not how it’s done….” “Cait will not be forced into diapers without a good reason, a reason that would make you diaper an adult and it is more understandable than making a mess.” The nurse sighed. “I have to get a head nurse. I’m not allowed to change protocol on my own. I’ll be right back. I’m sorry I scared you, Cait. It’s just the rules.” “Like the school forty minute rule before you ask to use a toilet after recess?” “They do that at school?” “Yeah, in fourth grade. That makes it hard to not pee my pants at school though.” “You know what? Screw it. I’ll just say I forgot and thought you were sixteen or something.” I really like this lady! A head nurse came in with the nurse that let her wear her boy panties. “She’s not in a diaper.” “She’s sixteen,” the nurse said. “She doesn’t look sixteen me,” the head nurse frowned. “How old are you, child?” “Nine… almost ten! I WILL NOT WEAR A DIAPER, and you not making me. If a sixteen year old doesn’t have to, then my Daddy says I don’t have to, too.” Daddy had already left by this time, but Grandma was still there. “Pet is right,” Grandma said. “She’s a smart little girl, and there is no reason you can give that should make a ten year old kid feel like less a person, that you wouldn’t have reason to tell a sixteen year old to.” “We put diapers on sixteen year olds,” the head nurse said. “They choice or your choice?” Cait asked. “Well, we tell them how much better it is, and then most of them choose the diaper. You’re a child, so of course your first thought is… if I have a choice, I’m not a baby. You don’t understand why a diaper is a good choice.” Cait looked up at Grandma. She was getting confused. “Did I choose bad?” “No, Pet.” and then Grandma turned her attention to the head nurse. “How about you explain to this little lady why a diaper is a better choice? You are not putting her in a diaper unless you use her language to convince her, not scare her. I’ll call my husband. He knows how to talk to you bureaucrats.” The nurse sighed. “Teenagers understand….” “Understand what, exactly?” Eiboline asked. “That they have to give up their dignity to get help or that the diaper actually helps them not poop their pants?” The nurse licked her lips. The junior nurse whispered to the head nurse. “I lied on purpose. That kid is really smart, and her Daddy figure will have your job. I’ve seen his kind before. You need to tell Cait why and make it something you can tell her Daddy or they will be mad.” “You think you know more than a head nurse?” the head nurse asked. “She knows more than you!” Cait said jutting her chin out. “Chomp her, Kooks! She’s being taken by the stupid Ghost again!” “I can’t,” Kooks whispered to Cait. “She’s a real person. What she’s doing is wrong, but all I can chomp are lies, not what she’s doing.” “Kooks says you are wrong, and he only can’t chomp you because he can’t make you not be mean!” The nurse shook her head. “I’ve never heard of a mother letting her child backtalk hospital professionals.” Cait held up Kooks to her mouth. It was Cait’s voice, but the bear’s face that said it. “You not a Professor on als.” The head nurse walked out. “The director will be in shortly to explain hospital rules,” hung on the air as the lady walked out. The young nurse looked at the ground. “I guess I’ll have to explain to my boyfriend.” “Explain what?” Eiboline asked. “Why… I got fired and we are going to be short this month.” Cait frowned. “They fired you because you called me sixteen?” “No, Cait. Because I told the head nurse off. That was my choice. You didn’t have anything to do with it.” “Kooks made you tell us. That why you said it,” Cait said. The nurse looked up at Cait and smiled. “It’s so nice that you still believe in Kooks. You keep believing in him a little longer, Cait. He’s really helping you.” “Cait, come with Grandma,” Eiboline was not going to let nurses corner her little cousin while she went to call Sean for support. Grandma walked with Cait in hand down a hall, and a choice of halls at a nursing station. She glanced around and finally found the signs that indicated public toilets and phones. They walked in that direction until they found a payphone. A quarter later and a few words of love connection with Sean soon led into the reason for the call as Grandma told Daddy what was going on…. “The Hospital director is supposed to come and tell us about hospital rules. They are trying to force Cait to wear a diaper, and I fear police involvement might happen.” Cait saw the pre-pee in Grandma’s shaking and her voice. She was scared. She might be trying to pee her pants… but she’s keeping it inside strong to protect Cait. Cait looked down as she peed her boy underpants under the hospital gown. Grandma and Daddy talked a little more, and eventually Grandma seemed to come to an agreement with Daddy. “Okay. I’ll call Harmony. You call your brother-in-law’s lawyer?” Cait looked up. Harmony? Does Harmony control the hospital? Grandma took Cait to the bathroom, not to change her. Her panties were in the hospital room, but so Grandma could finish peeing in the toilet. Cait wondered if Grandma did have pre-pee in her panties, but she respected her Grandma too much to ask or look. It was an hour before the junior nurse came back to the hospital room. “Nurse Sandra has been asked to leave for the night,” the younger nurse whispered. “The director says I’m going to get paid extra tonight because he needs me to handle you specifically until your surgery.” The younger nurse was talking directly to CAIT. “My name is nurse Elora. I will be your nurse until surgery, okay?” “I like you,” Cait told Elora. “You talk to me.” “I peed my pants,” Cait told Elora not a moment later. “You can stay if you want, but Grandma gonna change my wet boy panties.” “Why boy panties?” Elora asked. “Because they give me more time to get to the bathroom before pre-pee becomes real pee. I meet, that if you see it… It’s pee on the floor and I get in trouble, but if it hiding in my panties… it not real pee yet, and I don’t get in trouble.” “Does your Uncle and Aunt hit you for peeing?” “No. They the ones that let me pick the boy panties because I wanted more time to get to the toilet. No. It just school gets mad if I pee in the chair, but school has forty minute rule for going to toilet. And then if I move from where I am after pee is on the floor at Mysery home, then I get trouble for making pee bigger… but boy panties means I can move further and maybe get on the toilet before it pees out of my panties.” Elora looked at Eiboline. Eyboline just shrugged. “Cait needs help. Why not let her be confident? God didn’t invent underwears and who wears what, did he?” “If you read the book with me,” Cait showed her the Xanth novel: A Spell for Chameleon, “It would be really fun. I don’t read good, but I can use a ruler and a biggafier to help me, and then hard words, you can tell me.” She looked up. “But you busy, right?” “Well, the new head nurse told me that my only job tonight, is to watch you. You are allowed not to wear diapers, but we are more worried about poop going all over you because of it, so I need to make sure you are not sitting in it, and actually, your big person isn’t supposed to change you while in hospital care. It’s a law thing. I hope that’s okay.” “You gonna tell me bad girl and tell me how bad pooping my pants is? Cause I already know it’s bad.” “No, Cait. Like you said, you already know what is normal. This isn’t your fault. It’s to help you. The reason we usually put little kids in diapers, anyone under twelve, I mean, is that it keeps the mess on your butt to reduce the spread of being uncomfortable, and the chance that you might get sick from sleeping in a mess if we don’t get to you right away because sometimes the hospital gets busy.” “Hey! If the first lady said that…. I don’t know… maybe I would say diapers is okay. But she made it sound like I baby! That why I said NO. Daddy said I choice. But that doesn’t mean I make stupid choice!” “Well, diapers off the table unless you request it. I’m your nurse tonight. The only way I’ll be called away from you is if they need everyone for an emergency, so you can just wear your boy panties, if you want.” “Okay. See? I told you I like you.” Elora did it different than Daddy. When I got a word that’s hard, she said okay. Look. She wrote the word on a paper. And then she covered the part of the word with paper and two papers even to make only the part to read. And breaked the word so I read as I know how. And then she move the paper so I read two parts together and then all three. It was slower than reading with Daddy. But I learned to read Chameleon for real. She put paper on C then AM then says say together. I read Cham. “That’s why the word is Chameleon, Cait. It has the rules in the word you already know. You just have to find the rules.” “Okay!” We read pages 11 to 25 together while Elora was reading with me, until I fell asleep. I pooped my pants again, but she didn’t say nothing about it. She pulled the blankets back as I was yawning. “May I change you?” She asked me? “Yeah. Sorry. It just happens.” “That’s the medicine, Cait. It’s supposed to just happen. Your body has a lot of reasons it can’t control it. Not just the hernia. You are a younger child, so it’s not going to take as long to go through you, and you don’t always feel it coming out because it may have done some nerve damage to you. We don’t know yet.” “What nervous damage?” “Nerve damage means that if your body gets too much pain too often, it stops feeling it as pain. Pain is our body’s way to warn us, to protect us from doing something that hurts. Like we don’t put our hand in a fire because we feel the heat. If you had really bad nerve damage in your hand, you could catch fire and die if you put your hand in the fire. But because of pain—when it works right, it won’t let you die.” “Oh! That’s like Daddy’s bulls in the pens by the house! They warn us snakes are there. They can’t kill all the snakes, but we know they there.” “That’s right, Cait! It’s exactly like that. The bulls are your farm’s nerves.”

Chapter 61 Billy Likes Me Cait was taken to a private room with Pastor Patterson, Another church man she didn’t know, Uncle Sean, and Auntie-grandma Eiboline. “You said that Cait is sick or something?” “Yes. She didn’t pee her pants the way you think on purpose means.” “Well, I’d like to think not. That’s not a normal thing for a child to do.” “Well, she’s had some very harsh experiences when it comes to a lack of money and how they talk to her about her toileting issues. Last week… Wednesday, I think it was, the doctor realized she has a hernia….” Uncle was talking about the hernia. “Billy might like you,” Kookaberry told her. “I know he likes me. He said I’m his sister.” “No…. I mean like seventh grade boy likes girl… like.” “He’s not in seventh grade,” Cait frowned. “Besides, I know what that kind of love is. Daddy does that kind of love. It’s you see a girl once a week or maybe two weeks, and you do something, and then your real girlfriend or wife hates the other girl for it and gets mad at you. That’s what happens at home.” “No…. Seventh grade like isn’t the same as that love. It’s different.” “Well, he held me with pee pee pants. He doesn’t like-like me. I’m just like his sister. That’s all.” “He loves you, Cait.” “I know. He loves me like a sister. There’s no stronger love than the way my sister protected me at the whole time Daddy was saying I’m just a fail. They love me. Ruth loves me. She sat in my pee on the floor in Sunday School just because I’m sick and it makes me pee my pants, but she sat with me because she can’t do only that, but it is bigger than she knows. And Billy? He puts me in his lap and tells his friend to call on the next reader to not blame me for not reading good. Billy is my brother and I love him, too.” “Cait?” Pastor Patterson seemed to need to say her name a couple of times. “Cait? Your guardians have given permission, but in this holy temple of God, we also ask a soul for permission.” “Soul?” “You, Cait…. You are the one that they are asking for a blessing on the behalf of. You understand? They asked for you, that Brother McMichaels and I ask God to watch your surgery. To help you find peace, and to not allow the hurtful words of the devil to get in the way of your healing. Would it be okay if we touch your head?” “Daddy says that Head annointedings is the devil work. He says only Priests who want power do those, but they don’t even real.” “Well,” the Pastor frowned. “I can appreciate that your Daddy has probably seen a lot of television Priests and maybe has had some experiences that he doesn’t trust for one reason or another. If you say don’t touch my head, we won’t. But if we can’t, can we say a prayer for you?” “You can say a prayer-er-er? If you want?” Cait’s hand went to her mouth on the first ‘er’ of the phrase, and she looked up into his face on the second ‘er’ of it. “May we hold hands?” “Okay.” Cait’s thumb was in her mouth on the ride home. Kookaberry was pinned to her shirt, but he was crooked in her arms, looking up at the heavens through the roof of the car. The people that loved Cait most, were in the front, sitting in quiet. One was driving, the other was patting an arm and looking back at the sleeping child, who was peeing her pants gain. And they stayed silent. Chapter 62 Summerstone Is In A Safer World The bumping of the rocks and uneven dirt path-roads jolted Cait and she knew they were out in the country where the farm was. She didn’t mind the waking. She was just in zero land, not a dream, and not awake. She did feel wetness on her dress. “Uncle-Daddy?” “Yes, Cait,” Sean answered looking at her from the passenger side, not the driver side of the car. Not like it would be if Mama and Daddy were coming home from church. The father’s place is in charge, in charge of the car and of the family at church, but not with Aunt and Uncle. “I wet my pants at church.” “We know that, little one. But do you remember what Billy said?” “What?” “About it meaning nothing to do with who you are?” “I be membered he said not to say his friend name is Miss Pissy Pants, and he said he’d tell on me if I say it one more time about his friend, but he talking about me.” “Well, he’s a true friend, Cait. Friends don’t let friends talk bad about themselves. They teach them why they are important.” “I think Billy lied at church. That makes Daddy’s God mad.” “Well, a lot of things makes Daddy’s God mad,” Sean frowned. “It’s not right. It’s just what he knows.” “But Daddy always right at home. Whatever he says, it happens.” Sean frowned. “Now.” The car stopped on the gravel drive, and Cait felt the car slide even though Cait thought Uncle-Daddy turned it off. Cait’s door was open, and she looked up at Sean, knowing if it were Daddy…. There was a lake on the seat. The dress had too many pee stains to hide. Cait smelled… more like Cait than ever. Sean picked her up, just like always. He kissed her forehead, and then he carried her in to the living room where he started to undress her while Auntie went to make lunch. “I’m just helping you get your dress off. It can be tricky to get a dress of when you’re all wet, hon.” “Yeah?” Cait’s thumb went into her mouth. “You want to talk to Summerstone after lunch, Cait-a-kins?” “Yeah,” Cait bounced as Uncle got her dress over her head. “Good, because I have to check the other animals, too. I also need to do some milking.” “How come you gotta milk everyday?” “Well…, that’s just how it’s done, Pet. If you don’t take care of the cows, they dry up on you.” “Can Summerstone come to my pen?” “I think we should give him two more days to get stronger first, Cait. But you can brush his coat. Horses love that.” “Horses wear coats?” Sean chuckled. “Not exactly. I’ll show you after lunch.” Cait ran in just wet panties from the living room to the kitchen, and then she saw Auntie about to throw out a box. “Can I have that?” Cait asked Auntie. “Hon, this is garbage. Why do you want a box?” “It’s paper. I can write on it, and Daddy won’t think I’m wasting your good paper, and he’ll let Grainne read it because kids just playing letters. If I wasted your paper, and he saw my writing, he wouldn’t let Grainne read it.” “How do you know that,” Auntie Eiboline frowned. “It’s just… Daddy says don’t draw using your good crayons. You wasting them. Don’t use good paper. Find scraps if you draw. He won’t see my letters, only kid can’t spell pic-ch-eers.” Eiboline frowned. “Sean? You need to tell Dan that Cait is writing to Grainne, and that we expect Grainne to get to see the letters.” “I don’t know, Eiboline. I don’t want to poke the bear. We’ve demanded a lot this last week.” “Look what she’s going to use for paper.” “What harm is that. You’re just throwing it out, and to Cait, that’s perfectly usable paper. Let’s let her.” “I mean, I’d like to think we could give her real paper,” Auntie said. “There’s no reason she should feel like she has to use scraps.” “Well, we could ask her why she asked for scraps rather than a notebook, though. But I sort of think I understand. You didn’t see them in the field, Eiboline. And upstairs in the bathroom. I don’t think Cait’s asking us to treat her with scraps. I think she’s trying not to seem better than her sisters.” Eiboline looked from Sean to Cait. Cait whispered. “Grainne probably can’t write to me at all. No paper at home, you see, unless she uses the back of something that’s not important. I was going to send some of the box for her to write on, but I don’t know if can get the post office to take it.” Auntie frowned. “Well, you can use the box if you want. If Grainne wants, though, I could send her some paper, envelopes, and stamps.” “You can’t. Daddy will think Grainne did something wrong and she’ll get in trouble.” “Well, family has a right to stay in touch, Cait. You let your mom and Auntie work it out, okay?” “But don’t get Grainne hit or nothing?” “No, hon. We’ll figure it out so Grainne doesn’t get in trouble for writing to you.” Cait at the table in just her wet underwears, and she started to eat. “Auntie knows how to talk to Mama,” Kookaberry told Cait. “But it’s not Mama she has to tell to let Grainne write to me.” “Isn’t it?” Kookaberry asked. “Daddy of the Crops doesn’t have to know that Grainne puts letters in Mama’s envelopes, does he?” Cait scooted back after drinking her juice, and she looked up at Uncle Dairy-Daddy. “Daddy? Can I go see Summerstone now?” “Cait, we talked about this, this morning. You’re wet, hon. Your baby will notice and get scared. You change your underwears first, and then you can go. Besides, I want you to wear jeans and boots outside.” “Why?” “Snakes, hon. While I’ve done what I can, Snakes can still slip in, and they can’t bite through boots and jeans are somewhat more protective than shorts.” “Okay.” Cait ran off to the bedroom to get her clothes changed. She wanted to go to her room anyway and so she could take the box outside to Summerstone with her crayons, and while she talks to her baby, she can start writing to Grainne. Chapter 63 Kookaberry Writes Cait laid her back against the fence after Uncle Sean had helped her brush Summerstone down. He showed her how to fix his hay so he was clean, and he showed her how to make sure he had water. Cait was learning to take care of her own baby horse. Uncle didn’t just say, well, take care of it. He was step by step teaching her to care for him, like Summerstone was real to Uncle Sean, and that Cait managing to take care of him was as important for Cait as it was for Uncle Sean. Kookaberry was in her lap. Summerstone sniffed at and tasted Cait’s hair. She giggled. “Let’s see…,” Cait chose a red D blue E Pink E and Purple R. DEER in many colors. Grainne was all in green, Grainne’s favorite color. “What do we tell Grainne about first?” Cait asked Kookaberry. “How about getting the paper for the letter. Daddy at home, what would he do if you asked for something already going to be put in the trash?’ Cait shivered. She didn’t want to think about that. The thought caused a little pre-pee in her underwears. “Okay. So….” And Cait drew a box and she made feet on it, and a trash can on it’s side where it was going. She put a hand down in front of the garbage can. She smiled. She wrote under the first little line of pictures all drawn in yellow crayon. “Kan I hab iss?” Kookaberry smiled at her. “Perfect. Grainne can read that perfectly.” “Before church,” Kookaberry tells Cait. You made friends that happen to go there. You should talk about Ruth before church. She’s… she’s been there, even when you pooped, remember?” Cait nodded. “Do I gotta tell Grainne I pooped on my friend’s hand?” “It’s your letter, Cait. Auntie said it’s not lying to just say what you need and not say what isn’t. Pooping on Ruth isn’t important. Her choosing to sit in your pee, is. She sat down in your pee because you were crying. Isn’t that a friend?” “Okay.” Cait drew a picture of herself in a swing. She drew a puddle on the ground under her. She drew Ruth looking right at the puddle, but under Ruth, she wrote: “Wat to pla?” Cait drew the other kids in a circle. Under Ruth, she wrote: “No Cat. You say it wrong, you meo at my frnd, you ot!” Under a boy she put Bly, she wrote. “You hrt my sis frnd, you hrt my sis, and you fite me.” She sighed. She drew Billy again with her in Billy’s lap. She drew a cross nearby. She drew water on the floor under the chair. “OK?” is all she wrote under the picture. “Perfect,” Kookaberry smiled. “That what he did.” Cait wrote on the bottom. “Mor hapen- I don’t draw becuz papare. You reed it? Tel- me if you Kan?” She looked at Kookaberry. “You have to draw on the back.” Cait looked at Kookaberry. “Be member when Ruth was trying to help, but Billy told her not to make you feel bad by aksadent? Be member? Now you wanted Grainne to know you know she did for you?” “Oh, about I told her to pee her pants?” “Yeah.” Cait turned the paper over and drew a big frown and wrote. “sawy” on it. Then she wrote Grainne outside doing the cuts with the curvy knife with Clo, and both of them puddles under them, and Cait’s head in the air. “You need do that.” Cait sighed. She drew her little sisters watching. She put a yellow X on them. “Sawy I said by them wating. It hrt. I sawy.” She looked at Kookaberry. “She’ll get it. It’s good.” Cait signed it. Luv Cait. Not Cat. She looked it over. “It’s good. I promise, Grainne will get it,” Kookaberry told Cait. Chapter 64 I Got Myself Up Pee suddenly flooded into my pants. I looked up and the sky was getting dark. I don’t know how long I was at peace with Summerstone tasting my hair and gently pushing his nose on me. I just knew I was pre-peeing, but I didn’t care. And then I had peed my pants. With a sigh, the little girl got herself up. “Sorry boy. Daddy Sean says when it getting dark, I go in the house. I back out tomorrow, okay?” She hugged her baby horse; she patted the mommy horse. “Thank you not taking your baby away when I peed. I didn’t mean to.” Then she carefully closed the fence to protect her baby and its mother. Cait looked over at the water on the mudroom floor, and she knew. She had forgotten something! “Auntie!” she gasped. She ran out into the kitchen her boots still on. “I’m so sorry. I forgot to help with the water!” “Cait!” Auntie bent down and put an arm around her shoulder. “Cait. You’re just ten years old. You were just zoned into writing a letter and wanting to talk to your new pet. There’s no harm. Uncle Sean helped me this time. It’s okay.” “But…, I love our time together to get the water.” “Well…, then you’ll remember tomorrow, hon. You don’t have to say you are sorry though for being ten years old. Kids forget things when they are in a moment.” Cait looked up at her. “So I can still get water with you?” “Of course, Cait.” Cait hugged her Auntie-grandma. The more she stayed with her, the more like grandma than Auntie she was to Cait. Always forgiving. Always trying to cheer her. Always telling her not to worry when she makes trouble, and teaching her how to clean up what she can. It really should be Grandma Eiboline. But Cait promised to show respect, and respect means that she calls her Aunt. So she told herself, that’s what she says to Eiboline. She says Auntie or Aunt Eiboline, but in her heart, it will always be Auntie-grandma. “Can I tell you a secret?” Cait asked Auntie-grandma. Auntie bent down. “I peed my pants in the horses place, and no one cared.” Auntie smiled and whispered. “That’s as it should be, sweetheart. Pee is no one’s business but the one doing it. You make it our business when you need help, but it’s not our business until you make it ours by either being too scared to do something about it, or just wanting help because you’re a little girl with a body that’s been hurt too much.” Cait embraced her Grandma-Auntie. Yeah. That feels more right. Grandma-Auntie, only Auntie spoken out loud so she doesn’t disrespect her loving Auntie-cousin. She loves her so much! Auntie has a right to check on Cait, and so does Daddy Sean. Daddy Dan? He might have to earn that back. He scares Cait more than ever, now. More because she knows now. Daddy Dan’s way isn’t the only way. She’s allowed to be checked for pooping her pants without everyone seeing it done. “I’m allowed to not have the neighbors watch me get checked when I know I pooped in my panties.” Sean walked in and he saw Cait standing there her boots still on, pee dripping down her legs to the floor from her jeans, and Auntie Eiboline not telling her to remove her boots, but hugging her and patting her wet bottom. “That’s as it should be. Peeing is private, Cait.” Uncle Sean walked over and bent down to Cait. “Looks like I missed something.” “No you didn’t, Daddy! You’re here just on time. I peed my pants outside, but I’m okay. And for now, you are Daddy. I tell Dan Daddy only cause I have to, but you… you are Daddy. You and Gra… sorry… Auntie, you are my real love.” “Can I change my pants by myself?” Cait asked Auntie. “Yes, sweetheart. That’s as it should be. When you’re not scared or needing to be held because the world is too big sometimes, then healthy ten year old girls who sometimes pee their pants, change their pants on their terms, hon. That’s healthy and that’s normal.” Daddy smiled. “Exactly. You get Daddy when you NEED Daddy. Daddy doesn’t just go in the bathroom with you just because. He has to be needed. That’s a daddy and that extends to changing your clothes if you pee, hon. Although, I’d like a favor from you?” “Yeah?” “Pooping is hard for a little girl to clean up. You can choose who to go to and how it happens, but you really should get help until you are a little older when poopy goes into your Undies. Can Daddy have you promise that? Not that Daddy cleans you, but you choose, but you don’t do it by yourself, not until you are ready, hon.” “Okay. I don’t like trying to do it alone anyway. I did before, you know. To try to hide pooping my pants from the other Daddy. But he always knew because I can’t do it right.” “Well, you come and get someone safe, right Cait? From now on, don’t do it yourself. You want to know why Uncle Sean…?” “DADDY!” Cait stomped her foot. “Yes, okay. You want to know why Daddy says you get help and you don’t do it yourself?” “I already know,” Cait reached up and hugged him. “Daddy loves me. Daddy agrees me, that it’s too hard, not because I Cait, but because kids don’t can get poop off their back easy.” “Yes, that is a part of it, sweetheart. But it’s also a concern for your health. If we think you need it, we can suggest you take a bath without taking you, if you just pee. You’re a big girl and pee is just water. It comes off easily. But poopy….” “It sticky and gets everywhere.” “It does, doesn’t it?” Sean doesn’t even look like he’s trying to hold back a sigh at her interruptions, but rather, seems to pat her wet backside and keeps talking to her like she was invited to add to the conversation. “But the real reason, Cait, is that when you don’t get it clean, bacteria can get into your little girl areas… places that will get really uncomfortable. It will cause you to get sick. That’s why girls wipe poopies front to back, where as boys, don’t care. Our bodies are made different, but even a boy should get help if he poops his pants at ten years old.” “Oh. So poop causes sickness?” “It can, sweetheart. Pee can too, if you don’t clean up. But you’re ten. You are smart. And pee is water, so it comes off easier if you take a bath.” “Okay.” “Go take a bath like a normal ten year old,” Daddy told her. Cait smiled. “Okay.” She stomped her foot for emphasis. “DADDY.” The adults looked at each other, and they smiled. “Dan’s going to say we’re spoiling her,” Grandma-Auntie whispered, but Cait heard. “Well… it’s not spoiling to teach a ten year old to take care of herself. She might have some challenges that makes expecting her not to wet her pants difficult right now, but she’s still a normal ten year old girl that should have the right to bathe herself,” Daddy nodded. “Her daddy left her in our care. If he didn’t want us to teach her to be healthy, maybe he should have been her Daddy and kept her on his own farm and taught all the girls right!” Cait woke up early on Monday morning, and she laid in the wet bed for a minute. She felt her bladder slowly leaking. She pulled her little Kookaberry to her stomach and it sitting on her, she asked. “What do you think Daddy will do if I cry if I pee my pants?” Kookaberry sat there a moment, as if he had his thumb in his mouth, too. “Well, which daddy?” “The one here. The one that’s in my heart my daddy.” “Well, he said he can still take you to the bathroom, if you want him to. He said the only thing that changed, is you get to not give him permission. He said he doesn’t just come in. You can go in by yourself. But I think he means when you feel okay. I think if you crying, he’d pick you up and think he has permission unless you said no.” “Yeah?” “I mean, you can ask him. He’s not like the other one. He doesn’t hit you for not getting it, and for asking for help to get it. He the one that let you take that paper from the trash without asking you why. He the one that let you sit in a boy lap and knows you peed on the boy. He doesn’t yell for you doing something everything. Right?” “Yeah.” Cait’s body started to push. “I’m pooping my pants.” “I know. Daddy won’t care though. He’ll make you take someone with you though. He said getting clean is more important than your privacy, but he said, too, you can choose someone safe to go with you. It doesn’t him if you choose Auntie instead.” “Grandma-Auntie,” Cait whispered. “You know the real word. You say Grandma-Auntie, not just Auntie… when it just you and me. It doesn’t disrespect to think truth, as long as we say respect by them.” “Yeah. You’re right. I’m sorry.” Sean walked down the hall and knocked at her door though it was open, he didn’t look in around the corner at her in bed. He knocked at the door and waited. “Yeah?” Cait asked pulling the blanket up over her bedding accident as he looked up at him. “Do you want to spend time with Summerstone?” Daddy asked. “Um… I pooped my pants.” “Well, you know that’s not your fault, right?” “I still did it. I not scared you know. That’s why I telling you. But it kind of feels funny you looking at it.” Sean smiled. “You’re just becoming aware, hon. How about we clean you up? If you want, I can get Auntie to help.” Cait shook her head and reached her arms up at Daddy. “You.” Sean smiled, pulled the blankets back, and lifted his little girl out of the brown puddle she was in. “As long as you need me, Cait-a-kins. Daddy will be here for you. You have a bad day and need to cry, you have a shoulder. You have a wet skirt and need encouragement, in Daddy’s lap you can come. You need a bath and want Daddy? Daddy will clean you as much as is appropriate. But Daddy knows you are growing up. That means Daddy only needs to clean off the poopy places or the places that can make you sick it it doesn’t get clean enough.” Cait hugged him as he told her how he was going to be going things from here, forward, and it made her feel even more… that he was the Daddy she’d always wanted. She sighed. Why didn’t Dan want to be that Daddy? But she didn’t ask. She had her Daddy, for now. As the happy little ten year old held her Daddy’s hand and walked towards the pen for the horses, she and Daddy talked. “I wrote my letter to Grainne last night. You can mail it today?” “When we go to the park.” “You didn’t say we going to the park,” Cait looked up at him. “Well, I think routines are good for kids. Chores help with that, but so does scheduled playtime that lets you know, this is your time to unwind and be a child. I don’t think kids really know when the time is theirs, and when they might get called to do something. This sort of sets the expectation that Monday afternoons are Cait’s time. And Tuesdays, we are going to the library.” “Really?” “Your Auntie is the one that actually suggested we do this. She said the library was important, so I told her that you need playtime. She agreed, so we decided Mondays are play days and Tuesdays are Library days unless something important comes up.” “Okay.” “Is your letter to Grainne private?” “Yeah.” “That’s all I’ll ask then. You have a right to have privacy with your sisters, Cait. You are a soul, not just a little kid that gets controlled like a toy.” Cait fed Summerstone in clean clothes just like the day before. She is different today though. She knows that she knows how to feed not just her baby horse, but also the pigs, the chickens, and even the cows. Cait can come into breakfast and smile at Auntie that she is able to do stuff. She’s not stupid no more. “Auntie? Daddy says we can mail my letter at the park today.” Eiboline nods and smiles. “After breakfast, I need to get water.” “Daddy? Can I help on the farm after I get water with Auntie? Getting water with Auntie is our time.” “Sweetheart, you never have to ask to spend time with either of us. Just let us know, and if there’s a problem, we’ll let you know.” Cait was bouncing in her seat. “I pooped my pants this morning,” Cait told Auntie. “You can say that after breakfast, love. Some things are not conversations for meals, okay?” “Okay. I just wanted you to know I not scared to tell you.” “That does mean a lot to me, love. But remember what I said about some things need to be said. You know I have to clean your bedding, so I’d know even if you didn’t say so.” “I know. But now you know it’s got poop water in it, so you can be prepared.” “Okay. We’re eating now, hon. No more talk about poop water until we finish eating, okay?” “Okay.” Chapter 65 Ron’s Disaster We walked along the trail with the signs at the cross roads. The Cait space, the well, the house and the X. These are Sean’s directions. They say he loves me enough to put the sign in my language, with pictures. As Cait and Auntie walked towards the hill, Cait noticed Auntie stopped walking. Her bucket stopped swinging. She looked into the field again. The wild field, far off, but Auntie looked at it like it was right in front of Cait and Auntie. “Auntie?” “His name was Ronald,” Auntie sighed. “Our dead boy. It’s been twelve years to the day. It was today when the snake and the bull and it all happened. It was so fast. I had no idea there was even a snake out there….” Auntie’s voice sounded like sandpaper was scratching words as they came out of her mouth. “The boy…,” Auntie frowned as her tears spilled down her face. “Ron…. He was so concerned he had pooped his pants. He asked if it was okay he pooped his pants, his chest with a hole it in!” Auntie sat down on the ground. “I don’t even know why he’d think I’d even noticed his pants until he said it. There was this gapping hole in his chest. He was barely breathing. He ask me. Is it okay, Mommy? I pooped.” She sat there on the ground, her hands holding her face. She cried. I rubbed her back. “He loved you.” “Auntie? Is the field safe?” Cait asked. Auntie looked up at her. “Why?” “Because if it’s safe, I’ll get the water today. I watch you all the time. I’m strong. I won’t fill your bucket all the way. I’ll fill mine and bring it back and pour it in yours, a little at a time. I’ll make three trips. Then… you’ll know I’m safe. I won’t get too close. I watch you. Do you trust me?” Auntie frowned. “Do I trust you? What kind of question is that, girl? Of course I trust you.” “Then I can get the water. You see Ron’s field. You need this. It’s like the pre-pees in your panties. If you don’t go over there, it’s going to get worse and worse all day until you fully poop your panties, somehow. It might meet you yell at me. Even I do nothing. It might meet you make dinner run. It might meet anything… but if you don’t control your pre-pee, you will poop your pants in the grownup way.” “Shadow!” Cait called. “See Auntie? I have shadow. He doesn’t let you walk into snakes. I can’t walk into a snake. It’s because Shadow. She is watching. Or you can take him. Your grass is taller.” “No, Cait. I’ll feel better if Shadow is with you. I’ll be okay. I know what I’m doing.” “Then you go and pray your be spects to Ron and tell Ron thank you for Kookaberry and for his clothes and his bedroom. Tell him I’m careful with his dresser shrine, too. And you tell him your hurts. Yeah?” Auntie stood up. Cait looked up at the sky like she didn’t see it. The ground was mysteriously wet, but Cait pretended the sky was more important until she skipped off not looking back at Auntie. She was learned that Grainne was upset that Roisin knew she’d pee her pants, so Auntie would be upset if Cait knew… so Cait would pretend she didn’t see. Besides, these were water pails they had. Maybe somehow, some water that was still in them got on Auntie. Cait didn’t know for sure… except her Auntie’s dress was kind of wet… even for the little bit of water that might be on the buckets. But she skipped off. Auntie is big. Daddy said Cait can clean herself if she pees. Cait played around with Shadow by the buckets while she watched Auntie in the field. She couldn’t see clearly, but she could see her moving. She pulled some grass away. There was a very visible little t in the field now. Cait could see it. Shadow growled. “What is it, girl?” She whined and looked towards Auntie. “Get it!” Shadow didn’t have to be told twice, she ran towards it and then Cait sat it. A great diamond patterned snake with browns and greens all over it’s body, it was sliding and twisting into something like rope. “Shadow! Leave it!” Cait called worried. “Shadow!” The dog look back. The snake was still coiling. “Shadow!” Shadow ran back to Cait. The snake was now visible in the grass, it’s head swaying and its tail shaking and making this strange noise. “Cait!” Daddy called from the direction of the Cait pen on the sigh. He ran taking with him, a large bull. “Where’s your Auntie?” “Ron’s field.” Daddy frowned. “Shadow, heel, Cait, you stay behind me. Old Buckertooth here is going to lead us over. The snake won’t bother him if we don’t get too close to it. We’re just taking him to warn us of others. You stay behind me. The animal can turn in an instant, and being behind it isn’t safe either.” And Daddy started to lead Cait towards Auntie and the field where they pray. As Cait and Daddy walked through the field, Cait found her story. Was it a lie? It made sense to her. The snake was there. Shadow was there all along. Someone told her when an animal can kill another, the animal senses it. It pees to get ready to run. Shadow peed on the ground. She was remembering Ron. Shadow peed. Grandma didn’t watch it. Shadow didn’t know where the snake was. She was listening for it. Then she growled and I see it. Auntie was watching as Daddy and Sean walked into the gate and let Shadow in with them. Daddy tied Buckertooth to the fence outside of the sanctuary. They didn’t need the bull inside there. “Cait’s so smart,” Auntie praised. “I saw her do as she said. She didn’t got to the well three times, she went five times, four to fill my bucket. She knows I was hurting. I trusted, and I was proven right. She knew when to ask Shadow to find the snake and when to call Shadow back from it. She waited for you to help her. She’s so smart, Sean!” “Cait… I was proven right by trusting you,” Grandma-Auntie told her. “You let Shadow find and show the snake, and you knew to call her before she was close enough to get a bite. That’s a skill many adults never get right, Cait.” Cait looked down. “It wasn’t. I didn’t know. I just saw the snake and I didn’t want Shadow to die. I just called her. Daddy says to watch the animals. Animals warn. They can’t always stop or kill the danger. They warn. I saw the snake. That’s all I needed, right? So I knew if it was okay to pee my pants… I did.” “Well, you earned the right to pee your pants this time,” Uncle told her. “You peed at the right time. The snake didn’t notice. And you might not know it yet, but that is still a skill. You loved Shadow, but good instincts tell you the difference between when you send a dog to find danger, and when to call it back before it’s put in harm’s way. You got it perfectly right, Cait-a-kins. And I’d take your little pissy panties any day over someone that would have left the dog to deal with the snake; killing the dog!” “Come,” Auntie put a hand out towards to Cait. “You earned this. You can see where we put an outdoor shrine to our boy. We weren’t allowed to bury him here, so we got him cremated.” “Like made into cream?” “No Cait. It’s a ritual that’s not exactly Christian, but our Pastor says that God can make bodies whole out of just a speck of dust, so he saw nothing wrong with this. With Ron Cremated, and with some of the ash mixed in with the soil, the government couldn’t do something they can’t prove. We scattered the ash around this field. That’s why we let it grow wild. This is Ron’s field. Ron loved high grassy fields and spirits can’t be bitten by snakes, so there was no reason to take Ron’s high grassy field away from him.” “I peed. It’s a Sacreted place. I stay out,” Cait frowned. “I wet my pants, too, Cait,” Auntie suddenly admitted. “I don’t know why I did it. It was before we knew anything about the snake. I guess… I was just way overwhelmed by seeing the field this morning. I mean, any other morning, what was I thinking leaving you to get the water by yourself? But you proved something to me, Cait. I was right to trust you. And you are welcome in this field in pee pee or even poopy panties anytime as long as Uncle or I am with you. We need to know, Cait.” Cait nodded. “I know. You just protecting me. Not cause I stupid. But cause I a kid, and it is the grownups job to protect kids.” “Let’s take Buckertooth back to his field so he can rest. He’s earned it, and Shadow’s earned some extra treats, too, Cait, if you want to get it for her when we get back. Then we can get ready to go to the park. You’ll have a lot to tell Ruth.” “Daddy? Ruth is coming?” “Her parents and your Aunt and I set it up. Every Monday, the children will play at the park from two in the afternoon until around four thirty. I know that’s hard to understand, but it means the little hand is on the two when we start, and the big hand is on the twelve. And we finish when the little hand is….” “… I know!” Cait got excited. “And the little hand is the four and the big hand is the six, and that’s finish time!” Daddy patted her head. “You did tell me once that you could read the big hand on the twelve and the Six, didn’t you?” Cait smiled. As they walked into the house, Cait started to stripping her pants off in the kitchen down to her boy underwears. She was soaked but Daddy and Auntie knew. Auntie told her she peed her pants, but Cait didn’t care about that. Auntie just needed to see her died son, then she can be okay for a while. Cait checked on Summerstone again and brushed him, she got her letter ready in Auntie’s envelope, and she took a quick shower to be clean. Ruth is her friend. She doesn’t want Ruth to worry. Then she and the Kinsellas went out to buy her some bread at a convenience store for lunch and to mail the letter on the way. Ruth smiled when Cait caught up. “I told she was coming,” Ruth told the group of kids. “Am I late?” Cait asked. “No. They just didn’t want to believe me. But I knew you were coming. We’re best friends.” “I tell you about my morning before we play? It was scary, but then… then… then Daddy and Auntie said I was smart.” “Okay,” Ruth looked at the others. “You don’t have to listen. We’ll join you in a minute if you want to start.” “Daddy gave me a bath this morning, but then he told me something. He said I can choose. he doesn’t do it to bath for me if I pee my pants. He said I don’t have to get checked like a baby just because my body pees sometimes.” “That’s… um… normal,” Ruth said. “I peed my pants at church last year, like a lot, and my dad always asked. Do I want help?” “Oh.” “Well, then after breakfast, we were going to get water. Auntie had to visit her kid.” Ruth frowned. “I didn’t know the Kinsellas had a kid.” “Well, he died like twelve years ago,” Cait frowned. “That’s a long time ago. I don’t think we lived here yet.” “We didn’t Ruth,” Billy came over to see what they were saying. “We moved here almost six years ago, and we met the Kinsellas about five years ago.” “Oh.” “Anyway, they have this shrine in their fields to the boy. So Auntie went to visit…. Then, this snake? It was maybe that long!” Cait tried to guess how long with her hands spread apart from one another. It was really big. It made Shadow growl. Shadow is Ron’s dog.” “Whose Ron?” Ruth asked. “Daddy and Grandma’s kid?” Cait whispered. The two looked at each other. “I thought it was Uncle-Daddy and Auntie,” Ruth frowned. “Well, it changed,” Cait said. It’s Daddy. Daddy does what you said is normal Ruth, but the Daddy at my other home… he says I just a stupid baby. He mad every pee on the floor, and tells me to just pee where I at, Stop moving. Don’t go bathroom if my pants are even a little wet.” “That’s mean!” Ruth put her thumb in her mouth. “You know you’re not stupid though,” Billy asked Cait. “I know. I not saying it. Daddy at the other farm says it.” “That’s not a Daddy,” Billy says. “He might be your old man. You can say he’s your father. But not all fathers are Daddies. Daddy is something that you do to love your kid. Like Ruth and me. We have a Daddy. And like Sean. He acts like your Daddy even though he’s not even your father. That’s a Daddy.” Cait sighed. “Okay.” “I don’t understand something,” Billy frowned. “If Sean is Daddy, why isn’t Mrs. Kinsella Mommy?” Cait shrugged. “She’s nice like a Grandma. You can pee on the floor, and she thinks it’s cute. She makes you sweets. She shows you how to make things better, like clean up pee off a rug and doesn’t let you sleep in a bed you pooped in in the morning.” Billy and Ruth looked at one another. “Mommies are like that.” Cait shook her head. “Not my Mommy. She can’t do nothing if…,” she put a finger on her lip. “...if father says she don’t do it. She can’t smile and say cute. She can’t make sweets. She can’t let me go toilet. I pee at table while I do homework. Father is not allow it. Last week, we went to the library, and Daddy talked to me about Kookaburras from the books, and Grandma showed me picture books and then said I can read, but there no letters on the page.” Brother and sister, they looked at each other, and then they looked down. Cait was tired of talking. It just made her friends think too much and look sad. “Let’s go play,” Cait said holding her hand out to Ruth. “I can be it. I am strong now. I can see a snake and do it right. Daddy even says so.” “Three new people to start,” one of the other kids frowned. “Only one it, though. How we going to decide who’s it?” “Already did,” Ruth called. “Cait said she can be it. She’s strong.” The kids ran off in all directions. Cait glanced playfully evil at Ruth. Ruth saw it and gasped in a giggle as she ran from Cait. They ran around swings, through the monkey bars, and up steps and down slides. Cait didn’t even notice any pre-pees. She was on the top of the slide when she felt warmth flowing down her legs. No one said anything, and they continued like Cait hadn’t done anything at all. Ruth was it, and she was running behind things, so Cait lost track of where she was. She looked to the slides, and Ruth wasn’t there. She looked to the swings… no. The little girl was…. “You’re it,” she came out from behind a crowd of people and tapped her elbow. In the car, Cait yawned. Though it was four-thirty, it felt to Cait like the day had already lasted well beyond normal. She had an exciting morning that would last a life time, and then she played at the park, and now, it just felt like it should be time to sleep. “How did it go today?” Auntie asked as though she hadn’t been there watching. “We played,” Cait said. “Ruthie said we playing next week, too. It was fun.” “No problems with other kids at all?” Sean asked. “Na-uh, not even when I peed. We just kept playing and it was... the water puddle was always there. No one acted it is bad.” Cait was yawning. Her eyes were closing. She was safe. Chapter 66 Kookaberry Reads Cait woke up on Tuesday morning, and she blinked. Something wasn’t right. She felt her hands between her legs. Her Underwears were dry. She pushed on the bed. It was dry. She pulled the blanket back. A very light yellow stain from not being able to get the stain out was in the sheet, but it was dry. Her legs squeezed together. “Are you gonna pee your pants?” she heard a quiet whisper. “Is that you, Kookaberry?” “No,” there was something almost like a laugh in the voice of the cautious voice. “Everyone expects you to pee. If you don’t pee at least some in the bed or in the hallway, are you sure they won’t ask you where you hid your underwears?” “Is that you, ghost?” A faint visage of a little girl maybe a couple of years younger than Cait was appearing. “Maybe?” Cait sat up in the bed and put her hands on her underpants again. They were dry. There was a pressure in her tummy. “I didn’t see you all day yesterday,” Cait frowned at the ghost. “Did you miss me?” “Maybe.” “Well, I saw the snake. You peed your pants. That was me. I’m the one that wet you.” “Oh.” “I couldn’t say you peed though.” “Why?” “Well… um….” Cait saw a memory of her aunt, raising to her feet to cross the distance to Ron’s field, the back of her dress soaked. “Why’s that matter?” Cait asked. “If a grownup is allowed to pee her pants, what would you even listen to? Cait, you’re peeing,” but a woman already did it. It’s just not scary, is it?” Cait shrugged. “The snake was already more scary. You can’t be more scary than that.” Cait put her feet over the bed. “You’re trying to go the bathroom. But Cait? Your Auntie peed her pants.” Cait frowned. “Yeah?” “If she pees her pants in the day. You don’t pee at night….” Kookaberry whispered. “Cait? The ghost….” “BOO!” Kookaberry was quiet. “Is it okay for you to pee in the toilet while Auntie pees her bed?” Cait felt a little bit squirt in her undies. “That’s not going to let Auntie off. She fully peed herself, Cait.” The pee fully flooded her underwears as she stood up and then she saw Daddy at the door looking in at her. “Sweetheart? Almost make it?” Daddy asked. “I… um… guess?” Cait whispered shaking. “Cait? You look a little upset,” Daddy whispered. “I don’t want to stop you being a big girl, but I don’t want you to be scared. How are you feeling?” Cait stared at Uncle Daddy for a long moment. She sighed. “Did Auntie pee the bed?” “Cait, no! Why would you think that?” “Auntie peed yesterday. That’s all.” “Cait, she doesn’t do that. Yesterday, she was overwhelmed at the loss of our son. Don’t hold one moment of weakness against her. She’s human. We all have a moment of weakness now and again.” “Did you ever pee?” “Yes.” Cait looked down. “Okay.” “It’s okay to know, Cait. It’s not okay to judge without knowing why.” “Yeah. I saw Gr...Auntie. She was pre-peeing. Not like pee pee, but like, her hands were white. Her body was shaking. She was looking at the field.” “Then you understand it was a body response, not a failure to understand what she needed to do, right?” “Yeah. I sorry. I peed on purpose.” “We’ve been over and over this Cait.” “Not this, Daddy. This was. The ghost. The ghost told me I’d make Auntie feel like Grainne.” “What do you mean?” “On Friday, when I told Grainne to pee in front of the little sisters. Grainne looked red and a little like she didn’t want me to say that. But I told her wrong.” “Cait?” Daddy said and waited like he was trying to make me hear him. “I’m going to not tell your Auntie what you said. That will upset her a lot more than that you made it to the potty once when she didn’t.” “Why?” “She knows you are having a lot of self doubt and issues, Cait. She loves you. She wants to teach you right, and if you believe that peeing your pants will help her… remember what I said about horses sensing you if you go to them in wet pants?” “Yeah?” “Well, women have this thing that is like instinct. Some people call it a woman’s intuition, and some call it a mother’s intuition. But it means, women understand things sometimes, things that are not said. If she catches you peeing your pants on purpose, she’ll know that for some reason, you believe this protects her, and that will make her doubt if she’s your grandma.” “I did’t say Grandma.” “Cait, you were going to say it at least twice. People around you do hear you, a lot more than Dan and maybe even your mom did, Cait. We heard you call Auntie grandma, and we don’t mind. I heard you staying Uncle-daddy, Dairy-Daddy, and other meanings. You are a clever child, but we can see you and hear you, Cait. We catch you when you are at your most needy, and we hear you say… I need a real Daddy. I need a grandma. We smile and we fill those roles the best we can.” “The best you can? Daddy, you and Auntie are so good to me. I just don’t understand. If you are not mad me all the time, why is Daddy? Am I really bad?” Sean frowned and looked back towards the bedroom where Eiboline was still sleeping. “Honey, I think they love you. They just…. It’s not always easy for people, Cait.” “Why?” “I sure wish I had those answers, sweetheart. But how about your show them how it’s done? How about you get your panties changed and you go take care of Summerstone like you wish your parents would hold you, child?” “Okay.” Sean bent down and he picked her up patting her soggy pajamas. “You just remember one thing. Whatever you call Eiboline and me, we do care, sweetheart.” “I know.” Cait frowned. “Daddy?” “Yes, hon?” Sean was still holding her in his hands. “I want Summerstone to know that I am just a girl. I pee my pants, and I don’t lie to him. I don’t think it’s nice he thinks I am different. I want to feed him in just wet panties and a shirt. Is that bad?” “Not if you are not scared, Cait. As long as the horse senses the love more than the hurt and the fear, then it’ll be okay.” Cait arrived at the stable with the mommy horse and her little Summerstone. Summerstone walked slowly over and then nudged Cait. He pushed at Cait’s shoulder, and he tasted her hair again. “It’s me, boy. This is how I smell sometimes.” Summerstone rubbed its head against her again. A snort of warm air blew into her chest through her flimsy pajama top. Cait giggled. Shadow walked over by the gate and watched from the outside. I smiled and nodded at Shadow. “Soon. I’ll feed you, too, girl.” Daddy helped Cait with the feed for the horses, and then helped her make the Mama Mere comfortable so the baby could eat. Then Cait fed Shadow before going with Auntie to the well again. There was no sadness this time. They got the water, and the morning continued. Hours later, they were at the library parking lot…. They returned the books that they checked out the week before, the two on a Kookaburra, the three picture books upon Auntie’s insistence, and now, Eiboline guided her little niecie-grand-cousin to a table while while Sean seemed to be looking through some shelves by himself. “You peed your pants at that table right over there,” A small voice in her head that was maybe four years older than Cait. “Last time, the kids that saw were too old to care. I wonder if any fifth graders will be here today. Maybe Angela from Church?” “Angela?” Cait asked a little worried. “Why not? Angela is staying the summer. She could be here. Or how about other fifth graders who don’t know you yet?” “I’m gonna pee my pants?” Cait looked up at Auntie. “Right now? Do you want to try to go to the bathroom?” “No. It’s the ghost. It’s the girl that keeps telling me when bad is coming, and then it happens when Kookaberry gets quiet. I’m gonna wet my pants. Is it okay?” “Pet, you tell that ghost that you are ALLOWED to pee your pants, and that just because it says you will, doesn’t mean you will.” “Okay.” “You’re gonna poop ‘em… and then your Auntie won’t save you. Your Uncle Daddy will be too embarrassed to save you. You will be alone because the adults will be shaming your bigs for taking you out of the safety of the farm and putting you in public.” “I been in here, and church, and in movie before. I peed in this library last week. You said so.” “And that turned out just fine, did it? You didn’t cry?” Cait frowned. “BOO!” Kookaberry seemed to be invisible. For a minute, Cait couldn’t even find his outer shell. “Grandma! I can’t find him!” “Find who?” Auntie asked. “Kookaberry! He’s not here!” “You just had him, Cait. Take a breath, okay? Now, let’s look where he could have fallen.” Cait looked under the table, and he wasn’t there. Then she saw his foot sticking out from under the chair she was on. She reached down. “Kookaberry!” “Here,” Auntie smiled and pinned its leash to my shirt. “That’ll keep Kookaberry safely with you.” Cait sighed. “That’s not funny, Ghost! Kookaberry doesn’t make you just appeared.” “Just because he’s too stupid to play fair….” Cait put her tongue out at the ghost. “Put your tongue out…. But you’ll poop your pants here. You watch!” “Maybe…,” a whisper came not from a fourteen year old teen ghost girl, but from a ghost two years younger than Cait again. “Maybe… it will be better if Roisin poops her pants?” the Ghost threatened. “I wonder if Daddy will be happy if she poops in the sheets in bed tonight. You doubt me? You wrote a letter. Grainne will answer. Let’s see if Roisin poops her pants tonight before morning… yeah?” Cait frowned. Her face failed. “Or how about Grainne… right in front of Roisin and even Aoibhe? Yeah… right in front the baby, a big giant pooping in her panties…. “No,” Cait said out loud. She felt her face heat up. “I’ll do it.” “Your choiiice?” the ghost seemed to shrug and disappear. Cait looked up at Auntie and she took two deep breaths. “You gotta yell at me.” “Yell at you?” “Yeah. When you want, but you gotta.” “Cait. Dan can’t do anything over here.” “I… I… I’ll break your good sugar bowl at home if you don’t yell at me.” Eiboline frowned. “Wait here, Cait.” She went off somewhere and Cait saw neither Sean nor Eiboline. Cait’s eyes looked this way and that. She got up from her seat even though she was told to stay, and she walked to edge of that reading area. She looked left. There was no Daddy. She looked Right. There was no grandma. She went back to the table, but didn’t sit. “Kookaberry?” The doll was silent. She walked back to the edge of the reading area. She looked right. No Auntie. She looked left. No Uncle. She stood there. “What do I do? What do I do? What do I do?” She walked back to the table and stood there again, by her seat, finger rubbing along the hard plastic seat back. It was orange. The seat was black. “Kookaberry?” she whispered. Her voice came out into the real world, but only just. The Stuffed bear was still silent. “Poop your pants,” echoed in her head, but she didn’t see the ghost. “I can’t right now. It’s not coming out,” she whispered, her voice just softly touching the stale air of the real world, but not carrying. She pulled her fingers through her hair. She stepped one foot in front of the other where she stood and bent at her waist. What to do? Cait walked not straight back from her table as she had been doing, but this time, to the left of facing her table and came to an aisle where she looked left. The exit hall was that way, and she could sort of see a toilet sign down that way. “If you want it in my pants, then I can just go over there?” she asked the ghost. “You tried that at church, don’t you remember? Besides, if your Aunt and Uncle wrote home that you sat on the toilet and did it on purpose, how would that look? I wonder if he’d blame Grainne for teaching you to do it in your panties on the toilet?” “But he wouldn’t?” “He wouldn’t? This is Daddy Weimer. He forgets things, and you know you can’t deny he didn’t teach you that trick, so who would he blame it on? The Kinsellas?” No, Daddy just blames kids. Cait knew that much. Adults never make mistakes. “Please… I’m trying to poop. I promise,” Cait’s lips moved but the air didn’t move the sound past her lips. “I will, I promise. Just give me time….” She looked the other direction. She didn’t see Uncle or Auntie. “Your big people will come back if you just pre-pee a little bit in your panties… enough that you know you’re wet, but it has to feel wet without having to show up. If you do that much, I’ll let you poop in the car on the way home.” Cait nodded. “Go pee sitting at the table then.” Cait walked towards the table. “Of course, since you are changing the deal, I am too. One of your sisters will wet her pants today.” “What? No!” “Do you want your dad to find out?” “No?” “Then don’t change the deal any more.” “I can pee all the way in my pants at the table,” Cait said. “And then poop my pants in the car?” “Good,” the face of Grainne faced her. “So my sisters?” “Did I promise to negotiate? You already made it so one of them pees. If you change what you just said, Grainne poops and another sister pees… in front of Daddy.” “But! That’s not even! You said just poop in the car and a little bit wet at the table!” “Hey. You are the one that said you could pee all the way. Now, you do so, or your oldest sister poops right in front of Daddy and Aoibhe pees her pants!” “No! Not her! She hasn’t done it, yet.” “Then you pee at the table, and you poop your pants in the car… when you leave the library. No matter where else you go, you poop in the car as soon as you leave the library. No take backs.” Cait folded her arms. “Fine!” “Good. Now look! See? You do what you say, and I can bring your big people back! Look! Grandma is coming from there, and Daddy is coming from over there.” Cait frowned. They were. Eiboline and Sean both sat at the table on either side of Cait. Sean held her hand. “Cait. You don’t deserve to be yelled at.” “But I don’t deserve a baby horse, and I don’t deserve a pen in the farm, and I don’t deserve a nice bed to sleep in and these thick boy panties that make it easy for me, too.” “Cait, little lady, you don’t get to have a baby horse, a safe place to play, a nice place to sleep or comfortable clothes because you do something to earn it. These are things your big people give you because they love you. They are not payments for things you do. Being yelled at or being corrected sharply are things that happen because you need to learn that something is not a good thing.” “Pee my pants is not a good thing?” “Pee in your pants is not something that hurts other people,” Auntie softly stated while a hand slid up and down her thigh. “When we say that something should be corrected for, it should be something that actually affects other people or really hurts yourself. The problem with this situation, Cait, is you are having trouble controlling yourself both because of a medically physical problem and also because of things that have been done wrong to you, mentally.” “If I break your sugar bowl, it will affect you,” Cait frowned at Auntie. “Yes, it will,” Eiboline looked at Sean. “We should get a new set anyway,” Sean winked at Eiboline. “If she wants to break it so badly, we can just show her how to do it safely.” “Are you serious?” Eiboline asked Sean. “I mean, if she hates it that much. I’ve been telling you for years that it’s the ugliest thing in the world.” The two looked at each other. Cait looked down at her lap trying to pee. Cait shook a little and she whispered. “Even if it is ugly, old grand-lady likes it. You should still yell.” “What was that, Cait?” Daddy asked. Cait sighed. “I can’t do it. I’m sorry. I was trying to just-be-spect Auntie, but I can’t. I… I just can’t.” “I… I tried to call Auntie something as mean as I could think of… but I can’t,” Cait started to cry. I can’t. I just… Grainne and Clo and Roisin and Aoibhe… what happens to them if I don’t get it?” “Cait…,” Daddy got up and lifted her into his lap as he sat in her seat. “Hurting yourself won’t stop whatever is going to happen at the farm over hundreds of miles away. If your daddy thinks they have to learn something, he’s going to do it whether we yell at you or not.” “But Grainne doesn’t have to poop her pants in front of Daddy or in front of Aoibhe,” Cait whispered. “Hon? Do you think if we yell at you, Grainne won’t go potty in her pants at home?” Cait looked down. It sounded weird when they said it out loud, but still, the ghost could do it, right? She shivered. “I don’t know.” Eiboline frowned at Sean. “How soon can we get Cait on that insurance?” “I have a meeting tomorrow, Eiboh.” “She needs help right now.” “I know. Look. Let’s just try to get her interested in this book. It’s a fun story about a guy with his own troubles. Maybe it will help her.” “You don’t think that’s a bit advanced to start with?” “Nah. She’s smart. She just needs some patience and someone to explain things as we go along.” “That’s got a monster on the book front,” Cait said as she looked at the giant lion with wings, a wicked ball of spikes on its tail, and something like a human shape inside of the mane of hair, but its teeth are all pointed and sharp, and not eve close to like an animal’s teeth. “Let’s read the title,” Sean whispered to Cait. Cait looked at the words. “A. Spell. For. Cha. Champaign. Cham… Cha-melon.” “Chameleon,” Sewn whispered. “It’s not from English, so it has a different rule for how it’s said. It’s one of the tricky words that English uses from another language. Do you know what a chameleon is?” “No?” “It’s a little lizard that can change it’s color to hide from creatures that eat them.” “So the book is about a lizard?” “Well, we’ll have to read it to find out, won’t we?” “Okay.” Daddy held her in his lap and he had her use her finger to point at the words for several sentences. “Sean, wait,” Eiboline frowned. “She’s doing something with her eyes.” “What?” “I think some of her problems with reading is her vision.” “Vision?” “Cait?” “Yeah?” Auntie got out a piece of paper and pen. She wrote a C, but made it backwards. “Can you read that?” “Um… It’s a C, but it not right?” “Okay. How about this?” She made five Cs, two were facing right and three were facing backwards. Cait looked at the line of things, but they started to blend and get fuzzy. She couldn’t tell how many Cs there were, or where the open parts were. “Um… O… O… O… the last one is maybe a C?” “Her eyes ARE seeing cross-eyed when she reads,” Auntie says. “You can’t tell a kid to read a book with typical print if her eyes are not working. Also, my teacher taught me something when I was in high school….” Cait frowned. “I can see.” “Yes. I’ve seen you interact normally. That’s why this wasn’t something anyone found yet. Your vision problems are more to do with reading things than seeing things overall. Your vision is probably not the normal problem where the further things are, the harder to see.” “Huh?” “Sean, here, have her use this ruler to hold under the line she is on instead of pointing at each word.” “How does that help?” “Both her eyes focus on the same point when she looks at her finger. Her eyes cross, and it blurs and blends the letter. She’s basically crossing her eyes. With the line under the words and revealing one line, she still has to search the line for where she was at, but her eyes are not crossing to the same point as much. She can see the letters better. She has the same problem I had when I was in high school.” “Alright. Let’s try that, then?” Auntie was right. The line of Cs and backwards Cs was easier to see. The words in the book were better separated though sometimes they still blurred into each other sometimes. “Sean? This will take money to find out all the tools they have today, but if she’s going to school with us this fall? We talk to her school. We teach them to have her put a paper or something over book lines she’s not reading yet, and we teach them not to have her use her finger. This will help a lot. We also get her a bigger bible for church, one that has the big print like old people sometimes use when their vision is going.” “And that will help with her reading?” “A lot. Actually, let me see….” Eiboline pulled out a magnifying glass from her purse because she sometimes needed it herself when she was reading small print. She was one of those people that tried to read the small print for ingredients because she tried not to buy foods with certain sugars in it. In the nineteen eighties, people didn’t know as much about fat, but they did understand that unnatural sugars, too much of it, wasn’t good for you. “Words are huge!” Cait said. “Yes. This tool is going to be really tricky at first, Cait. You will need that paper under the line you are on, and you will have to be careful not to move the magnifying class too much when you are reading. It can be hard to find your place again when this thing can only see a few letters at a time. But when you get good with it, your reading will be a lot better.” Sean frowned. “So, now what do I do?” “You hold the rule for her. Keep it on the line for her. Don’t rush her. The magnifier will move around a lot because she’s a ten year old kid holding a toy. Be patient with her. Let her settle in her own time. She knows she’s supposed to read. Trust her, that she’s going to try, and she will do what is expected, just like she uses to stay in bed and pee in it because that was expected of her.” Sean nodded. “Can I start over?” Cait asked Sean. “Of course, Pet. Since you now know how some of the words are supposed to be read, the new tool will help you see it more clearly, eh? And if you forgot how to say something, ask, pet. We are not here to be in a hurry. We are here to enjoy reading and building a world where a young child can learn to use her mind to make her own little world.” “Okay.” Cait started to pee in his lap. She looked up at him, but he kept the rule in place, so with a sigh, just continued to pee her pants while trying to read. “This is so much easier,” though she meant it was easier for two reasons. She wasn’t scared of peeing. She was peeing while she read. She wasn’t afraid. And the words were easier to see, and the easier some of the words were because of it, the easier it was for her body to relax and pee her pants. Then she started to poop. But she just sat there, reading and pooping her pants. She didn’t care about it. Uncle Sean—Daddy didn’t mind. He held her, and he knew by now she was pooping. He had to know. But he just patted her lap and held the rule steady for her. Sean looked up at the clock. “Well, we do have to go somewhere, Cait. So, is this book too hard? Shall we find an easier one?” “No!” Cait whimpered. “I like this one. I want to read it. Please?” Sean nodded and winked at Eiboline. He doesn’t know about reading disabilities, but he knew his little baby girl could challenge herself if she was expected to. Cait proudly put the book on the counter, her poopy butt sagging and thumb in her mouth. “I want this one,” and put her library card on the counter. No fifth graders showed up, she noticed. Angela wasn’t there. No one cared she had poop in her panties and her boy panties were sagging a little bit under her skirt. No one cared. And she walked out to the car carrying her book, her bear hanging from it’s line on her chest, and she was smiling in her poopy panties! Chapter 67 The Monster on the Cover Brown pee pee all over Sean’s pants, Cait in a messy pair of panties, kept running her fingers over the cover page of the Spell for Chameleon. “There’s no lizard in the first page,” she told the book. “Are you hiding somewhere in the next surprise?” She opened the book again and she called to the front. “Grandma? Is it okay if I say Grandma? I don’t want to be rude, but Auntie… it’s okay… but it’s not really you, cousin. You… your better than an Auntie. Please don’t be rude if I want you to be grandma?” Eiboline smiled and looked back. “I see nothing wrong with you calling me whatever feels right, Cait. I trust you not to be mean.” “Can… Can I have the magafieder? I want to read the first page again.” The car was not going to the farm, but Cait didn’t care. The book was her focus at the moment, and the bear on her shirt there by a safety line. “Justin Tree…” Cait considered. “Someone called Trent made him a tree? He was wise. The village liked him. He can’t move. Everyone talks to him.” Her thoughts were filling the space in the back seat with her. “Bink is really lucky. He escape-t three times of danger and the book says it like it was hard. I like Bink. He doesn’t have magic, but he doesn’t lose just because he can’t magic things.” She was rereading not the first page, but ten pages. She kept looking back and forth. It was so fun seeing the way Bink escaped bullies and the bullies didn’t know why they couldn’t get him. Cait didn’t either, but that’s okay. The bullies are confused, and that’s funny. “Are we taking Cait in like this?” Auntie asked when they arrived at an office building. “Eiboline, I was on the phone with them on Monday, and they are trying to delay things. I’m not going to let them do this to our girl. Now, if she the little one in messy panties in their own office, maybe they’ll realize that this isn’t normal. I don’t know, but I’m going to bother them in anyway I can until they let her be seen on the insurance.” “You don’t think this is going to hurt her?” “I’ll be holding her. She’ll stay in Daddy’s lap the whole time we are talking until they are forced to realize… maybe if Cait ends up peeing on their floor again, and the realize she’s not just doing it… I don’t know. But I’ll tell you this. You said it at the library. She needs help now. I don’t know any other way to make the insurance understand that.” Eiboline frowned. “Okay. Just be careful. You have a little child there, not a prop.” “I know.” Sean got out of the car, and he picked Cait up with her little messy butt, and he whispered. “Do you want the book? We might be a while.” “Yeah. I like Bink, Daddy. He doesn’t let people bully him. Or at least something doesn’t. They can’t magic him!” Sean patted the little one’s bottom. “We have to talk to some important people to help get you help so you can start choosing when you’ll pee whether in your pants or the toilet instead of waiting for it to cause trouble for you.” “I pooped, Daddy.” “I know, hon. Now, this isn’t a good thing to do, but these people don’t understand. We need them to see how important this is. So, I don’t like doing this, but you’ll have to wear poopy panties in there. Is that okay?” “I love my Daddy!” she hugged him as if that answered it. The three of them walked into the lobby, and Sean hovered by the front desk until the secretary woman looked up at him. “I’m here to see Mr. Brady, and we’re not leaving until he sees us.” “Your child has made a mess in her pants.” “And that’s your business because…?” The lady frowned. “Have a seat. I’ll see if he will see you. Don’t let that child….” But Sean turned away from her while she was talking and he put Cait on her feet until he sat, and then he put her back in his lap. His chin was held out in a jut, like… Don’t tell me what to do with my kid! Cait was still looking at the book. She settled in Sean’s lap, but it sort of made the poopy shift in her panties. She looked up at him, but he patted her lower back like he didn’t think about what her potties did. She was important, not what was in her panties. The lady walked over, and hovering there, this after Cait had read through page 2 and 3 again. “Mr. Brady said he’s busy right now. You will not be seen for a while.” “Then we’ll wait,” Sean looked up into her eyes. “You tell him, if he makes us wait three or four hours, then he’ll get to clean up Cait’s messes himself because I’m not letting my child clean up any of the messes that an insurance company is causing her body. We are here to fix it, and if they want to make her wait, then she’ll wet her pants again, and we are not going to clean the floor if they do that to her.” “At least put her in clean clothes?” “As soon as Mr. Brady sees her. He just doesn’t want to meet her because he knows the insurance company is wrong. I have the power of attorney, I have the doctor’s assessments, and this is the next step before we can get the hospital to look at her, and he wants her to wait until March? He needs to see what he’s doing to her by making her wait until March, so… if she has a peeing on your floor later, that’s up to him.” The lady frowned and walked back to her desk and picked up the phone. “Daddy’s here, Cait.” “If I pee, will it make them mad?” “You don’t worry about your body, Cait. You can ask to go potty if you think you can make it, but if it goes in your pants again, you don’t worry about anything. We are playing chess with the insurance company, and he needs to see how important this is by talking to you, whether you are wet or not, hon.” “Okay.” A fat looking man in a dark suit walked over while Cait was looking at page six again. “Mr. Kinsella?” “Yes sir.” “Bring your family back so we can talk about your concerns.” Sean lifted Cait immediately as soon as he was standing, right back up. “How old is that child?” “Ten,” Eiboline frowned. “What does that have to do with it? Would it be more an emergency if she were twelve or eight?” “Well, isn’t she too old for….” “Stop it right here,” Sean’s normally calm voice got loud. “If you say one more word, I drop this insurance company for my whole family and we look for someone more compassionate. You are already telling her she has to wait until March—our reason for being here. Now, if you shame her for anything without knowing anything, that’s stepping one too many steps over the line than I’m going to allow.” “What stepping over the line?” Cait asked her thumb in her mouth. “It means he’s testing my patience, Cait. It means this company isn’t doing what it is supposed to do by law, and I’m not going to let it go that far and pick on a child who is having a hard time.” “Did you just let her inter….” “She didn’t interrupt anything. She’s the reason we are here, and that means, she talks. We don’t talk about her, we talk to her and with her! You got it?” “You’re being pushy for wanting us to make a compromise.” “If that’s the way you see it, then consider us a lost customer. Come on Eiboline. We go find another insurance company tomorrow.” The man’s face was red. “I caused trouble,” Cait whispered. “No, Cait. He spoke out of line. You hear me? That man did something wrong. You were brought in to talk with him about why you need care. He tried to shame you and he tried to shut you off from talking. That’s not on you, sweetheart.” Sean took Cait to a gas station where he took her into the bathroom, and he helped her clean up. “I’m sorry we didn’t get it resolved, Cait. I thought if the just realized a child was suffering they might listen, but I was wrong.” Cait hugged him. “You didn’t even move my skirt,” Cait whispered. “Cait, there was no reason to do that. Everyone could tell what happened without exposing your mess more. My goal was to get ears to hear you, not to cause you shame, sweetheart.” “At the other home, Daddy pulls my skirt up and checks my panties in the parking lots and in shopping places, especially if it smells like I just went poop.” “Well, that was the other place, hon. We don’t shame you for having a hard time here. We only tell people what we need to get you help.” “What if you can’t get insurance for me?” “Then we’ll have to go through the stupid government, but the government won’t be thorough enough, Cait. That’s why it’s important we fight for good insurance first.” “What means thru-oh?” “It means they won’t fix the problem, hon. They’ll fix the infection and say you’re done and won’t do anything for the hernia.” “That’s the thing that making me poop my pants?” “That’s right, hon.” Cait was upstairs in her bedroom town, playing the scene in her head as she drove a toy car from building to building. “See? You read,” Cait told the invisible child in the car. “You just do it different. If you eat red licorice, you can read. If you eat black licorice, you can’t read. That’s the trouble. School only serving black licorice.” “No,” Cait told the invisible child. “Reading and pooping are different things. You can have trouble with both, but they are not the same thing. And look what you can do! You rode a bike. You changed and washed your own hands. You were a friend. You are not someone who can’t. You just need help with some things.” Turning to the door feeling like someone was watching, Cait saw Grandma at the door. Eiboline smiled. “Dinner is ready, hon. Do you need a minute in the bathroom?” Cait looked at the floor. She looked up at the pretty tall grandma. “It rained. It rained in my underwears.” Eiboline smiled. “So it did. You can change rain, though, can’t you?” Cait smiled. “Go clean up in the bathroom real quick. Daddy and Grandma will be downstairs waiting for our big girl to come and show us how big she is and how good she can clean herself up.” “Okay.” Cait came down in just underwears and an undershirt, and she dropped Kookaberry off at his chair before she sat down next to Grandma where she always eats. She looked over at Grandma. “I cleaned up put on clean underwears and a clean undershirt. Some rain on my shirt.” “That’s fine, Pet. Do you want to say the prayer tonight?” “Okay.” “I broke the rule for the ghost at the library,” Cait said while she was eating. “What do you mean, you broke the rule for the ghost?” “The ghost said to poop my pants before you find me, but I don’t. I tried to make a deal so it leaves Grainne alone, but it said if I pee at the table and poop later, then only Grainne wets her pants, but I messed up. I pooped at the table. So now, the ghost will make Grainne poop her pants and make probably Aoibhe wet her pants. Aoibhe has never wet her pants before, and Grainne…. I told her to wet in the field because I scared she going to hurt, but the ghost said it’s gonna make her poop right in front of Daddy,” Cait looked down. “How do I make the Ghost leave Grainna be? Grainne didn’t stop the deal. I didn’t do the stuff right.” Sean frowned and looked at Eiboline. “Hon, this is not something you or the Ghost can do anything about. Grainne is in the field all day. Your two big sisters probably will poop their pants, eventually, if they aren’t allowed to stop long enough to get to the toilet. If Aoibhe doesn’t pee herself, then she probably won’t, Cait.” “What if she does? It might fault for not doing what the Ghost wants, and if Grainne does it at the house in front of Daddy, then it is my fault.” Tears rolled down her face. “Oh, Cait.” Daddy opened his arms, and I went over and sat in Daddy’s lap and he started feeding me. I would be in trouble if Grainne fed me at the other farm. Mama wouldn’t do it. It would be against Daddy’s rules. Grainne is the only one that might, but she’d get in trouble if she did. Chapter 68 Sean’s Ghost After dinner, Daddy put me on the floor. He looked at the back door. “I’m going to go check on my babies for the night. Do you want to check your baby?” Cait smiled. “Yeah.” “Put some jeans on. It’s getting dark, so it’s harder to see snakes. Jeans and boots, Cait. You have five minutes, and then I’m going out, okay?” “Okay.” Cait sat in the stable while her baby, Summerstone was getting stronger by the day. He wasn’t so wobbly and it looked like he could run the field now. He walked over and tasted Cait’s hair. He seemed to like her taste or something. “Grainne didn’t write back yet,” She told Summerstone. “Grandma says letters take a little while, and then Grainne has to write and then that letter takes a while. She says I might get a letter next week if Grainne gets to write. What if the Ghost punished me by not letting her write.” Kookaberry, always pinned to my shirt when I go out, looked up at him. “The ghost doesn’t know how to punish if it just stops Grainne writing to you. It said nothing about that. So, if it claimed that as punishment, I’ll chomp it. That’s not punishment, Cait, that’s just being mean.” “Never stopped the teachers from doing what they said is punished even when they didn’t say they do something because I poop in my seat in class.” Kookaberry stayed quiet. What could he say to that? Summerstone’s brown and white nose pushed on Kookaberry making him dance sideways on my shirt. “What do you want me to say?” Kookaberry asked Summerstone. “I wasn’t there. We all know it was mean. I can’t stop people from being mean. I can just chomp at lies, not what really happens.” “Kooks? Did I make Daddy lose his nisure-ace?” Kooks stared at Summerstone for a minute. Summerstone’s voice… you can’t miss it. It’s like he says an h-h-h all together before he talks, and sometimes the sound is even in the middle of his words. “H-ye-ye-ye alhe-he-he ready mad at those-eze.” Cait looked up at the baby horse. How could a baby know?” “Uncle says,” Kookaberry started but Cait cut him off. “He’s not Uncle no more and the lady’s not Auntie no more. It’s Daddy and Grandma.” “Sorry. But I was just telling you how Summerstone knows.” “Okay.” “Daddy says that the animals share what they hear. Daddy talks to the cows. You’ve heard him. Well, whatever the cows know, eventually the horses know. And Summerstone’s Mama still has horse friends even if she is not by them now. She will be when your baby is strong.” “Daddy does say that,” Cait frowned. “Did you tell the others animals I poop my pants?” “Wh-ha-hat’s pants?” Summerstone asked. “What’s on my legs now. Be member in the morning? I came only in underwears to show you I peed the bed?” “Wh-ha-hat’s bed?” The Mama horse walked over and nosed Summerstone. “Pants and Bed meets nothing for us,” Summerstone frowned. “It’s no-ho-hot news for u-uh-uhs.” Cait smiled. “Did you eat enough today?” Summerstone’s head went up and down as he went to lie by his Mama. “Okay. You sleep, Summerstone. I love you!” Cait felt herself lifted up and she was sat on Daddy’s shoulders. “Whee!” They walked into the mud room, Daddy bending his legs funny so my head fit under the door. He finally put me down and he smiled at me. I smiled while I took my shoes off. “Summerstone starting to talk,” I told Daddy. “He is?” “Yeah. He has this cute thing he does where his words sound like… well, I can’t do it right. My voice doesn’t make the horse thing right, but it almost like I-ye-yef I-ye-ye say this.” Daddy laughed. “That sounds horse me.” Daddy took off my shoes and then he pulled off my pants so I was in my panties and undershirt. “There are no snakes in here, Pet. You don’t have to wear jeans inside if you don’t want.” Cait ran to the living room to play with Front City, a mess of blocks and other toys Daddy has let stay there since last weekend. No one has touched anything. Uncle tells me if the city went out from the line, but he doesn’t kick it back. He just asks me to fix it. And if he still hits a block or house, he says sorry. And he still doesn’t touch. He says it my city, and he sorry he messed it up, but he doesn’t want to touch it to fix it because it’s mine. Daddy doesn’t touch my stuff, even when he lets me put my stuff all over the house! I have my bedroom town. I have Front City. I have my pen outside. I have a chair for Kooks. He never moves Kooks unless he shows me he’s doing it. It’s like silent permission, and if I feel upset if he touches, he stops and nods leaving Kooks as I left him. Uncle went to the phone. “Arnold,” I heard Uncle sigh. “I’m going to need help tomorrow on the farm.” I turned to listen in. “Yeah, I’d dropping the other insurance. They are not right for us. They won’t even let a child speak up for herself when she’s the one that needs them. I don’t honor a place like that, Arnold.” “He didn’t just threaten to drop them,” Kooks whispered. “Quiet. I listening.” “I really appreciate it. Look, we’ll probably need help for about two weeks if I can get you to take a little payment for keeping the cows milked and checking in on the farm before noon each day?” “I like his family,” Kooks whispered. “Me, too,” I agreed with Kooks. “Liam is really nice. He didn’t say I stink when I peed my pants last time I saw him.” Grandma took Cait up to the room after Daddy hugged her goodnight and then she tucked her into bed. “Daddy’s going to town tomorrow then?” “We all are, pet.” “Me, too?” “Your Daddy isn’t going to take any insurance agent that doesn’t let you talk. And if they say they need proof or expects any kind of thing that hurts your feeling, he won’t take them, either. He left a good system because the people were hurting you, Cait. He’s not going to let anyone hurt you.” “Do you think I’ll have to sit in poopy panties in front of the nisure-ace guy again?” “I don’t think so,” Eiboline frowned. “Your daddy did that as a last resort trying to get you seen earlier. Now we have to hunt for insurance, that’s going to take time, Cait. But he’s not going to be directed that they shame his little girl just to get on their insurance.” Cait hugged Grandma and then rolled over. “Cait?” “Yeah?” “If you wake up in the night, you go potty,” Grandma whispered. “Don’t you think about what happens to me has anything to do with what happens to you. And if you wet your pajamas, take them off if you are awake, and then put on dry underwears. It’s not bad to wear dry clothes if you pee your pants, okay?” “Okay.” She left the room quietly. “Kooks? What if Daddy doesn’t find any good nisure-ace because of me?” “He won’t, you know,” a girl was sitting on the end of my bed again, her own panties with poop in them. “No one wants to nisure a stinky kid that can’t be fixed.” Kookaberry frowned. “You know about nisure-ace people now?” “I know that until now, Daddy and Grandma are the only ones to ever listen to Cait and even walk away from a good thing for her.” No chomp. “Did you make Grainne poop her pants?” “Yes.” “In front of Daddy?” “I’ll let her tell you that.” “What about Aoibhe? Did you make her pee her pants?” “I let Roisin pee her pants instead. At dinner. She cried with her finger in her mouth. You know how she does. They made her sit there until she finished her dinner. She pooped ‘em. I didn’t tell her to poop ‘em. I only made her pee, but I guess when she started to pee, she couldn’t stop the poop.” “You made her pee her pants at the table?” Cait frowned a finger in her mouth. “It wouldn’t be punishment if I made her wet the bed. Your dad is already making her follow your rules. She already pees her pants sometimes. I mean, I could have picked on Aoibhe….” “No?” “Well, it had to be punishment. So I made her pee at the table.” “What did Daddy do?” “Grainne will tell you in her letter, won’t she?” “Why come you can’t tell me now?” “Because maybe Daddy is right. Maybe Grainne pooped her pants… if she did, because of Daddy’s work and has nothing to do with the ghost. And maybe the ghost is just trying to scare you about where Roisin peed, but we both know she pees her pants sometimes.” Cait narrowed her eyes at the ghost. The ghost popped out. Cait closed her eyes and started to fall asleep. It was dark everywhere. Cait couldn’t see anything. She couldn’t hear anything. She felt her chest. There was something there. The leash. The Bear. Kooks was there, dangling, but it was too dark to see him. “Why don’t we put Cait front and center,” some invisible voice said. It wasn’t Kooks, and it wasn’t Grandpa. Really, Cait didn’t even know if it was human. She didn’t see the speaker. A spot light suddenly flashed down on the body, and Cait seemed to see herself in full dressed up farmer-boy’s clothes, looking from outside, as if she was someone else looking at the child with tangled and dirty hair. Her shirt was stained. Flies buzzed around her. A green tint of smoke like stuff was around her. A voice out of the dark asked. “Did you pee your pants the first day you Saw the Kinsellas?” “Yeah?” “Why?” “I… um….” “Did anyone prevent you going up to the toilet that day?” “No?” “Why did you piss your pants?” “I don’t know.” “We are here to see if you get Nisure Ace. Do you know what that is?” “It’s so I can see a doctor?” “No. Anyone can see a doctor. It’s so the doctor doesn’t rip your cousin’s arms and legs off to pay for your health. You will rip his arms and legs off if you get help without the nisure ace he wants.” Pee started to form in the chair. “You are pissing the bed, Cait…. Do you feel the wetness? Touch the Goddamned pee before I have your cousin’s left arm torn off!” Cait felt like there was a veil of some kind. A girl in a bed her feet tucked up to her chest. Pee sliding into the bedding. She was peeing. The ant in a far wall of the dim room saw a small alarm clock on the night table. Cait didn’t know when it was put there. It as reading small hand 1 and big hand 5. A kid was kicking slightly at the blankets, though she was nearly fetal in them. Her hair was matted and tangled in the pillow. She was shivering. “Do you see that you are pissing the bed?” the voice asked. “Yeah?” “You are pissing the bed. You choose to do this, right now instead of get out of bed. You see yourself doing it but you keep your eyes closed pretending you are a sleep, don’t you?” “Yeah?” “Why?” “Do you remember at recess in December?” Cait’s little figure in the spotlight shook her head. “Sure, you do. You were inside the school. That bathroom was right there, just feet from you. You could have went. You turned around, remember?” “Um… recess. It was time to go in.” “So… it was….” The judge chuckled, but that wasn’t a happy chuckle. “You knew that when you turned around and went back to your seat… that you could poop your pants. You knew that the recess rule would protect you.” “The rule didn’t help me….” “It didn’t? Then tell me why you pooped your pants on purpose when the toilet was feet from you.” “Recess was over.” “The teacher didn’t tell you to go take a break?” “She did…,” “EXACTLY. You choose to go back to your seat and shit your pants!” Cait’s thumb went to her mouth. The ant on her bedroom wall saw the kicking, small girl, curled up like a cat, now putting a thumb in her mouth. Kookaberry was being pushed against her chest as hard as it could. “Tell us what happened at church this week….” the judge went on. Cait was shaking. “Before we get into that. Another not so happy chuckle. How about we see what you choose for underwear. You can tell us about that. Do I pull Grandma’s hair out, or do you pull your pants down?” Cait’s figure in the spot light started to undress. The blankets were nearly off the bed on the floor. Cait’s hands were pushing her pajama pants down. The ant ran into a crevice in the wall to hide from it. “Are those girl panties?” the voice asked. Cait’s thumb was fully in her mouth. Pee was flooding the chair she was in, and she felt it soaking around her somehow crawling up her shirt and wetting her back. “Cait, wake up….” the sounds were faint in the background. “They boy panties,” Cait shook in the chair. “Are you a boy?” “No?” “Do you want to be a boy?” “No.” “Why do you wear boy clothes?” “Cait, baby, wake up…” a voice so faint and somewhat familiar…. “I don’t on purpose. But it farm. Jeans is protect from snakes.” “And what do the underpants protect, Cait?” “They let me pre-pee a little more so I can get into the bathroom.” The ghost let the silence settle. “Cait?” Cait’s eyes opened. She was crying. Her body was shaking. She was still peeing all over. Her hands were shaking with Kooks in her hands. Daddy had her in his lap and she was peeing all over him. Grandma was holding a wet cool rag at her head. The so called clock was never in her room on the nightstand, but the crack in the far wall, Cait sees it. The ant could have been there, maybe. Cait was still crying. “Let’s put her in dry stuff and put her in our bed tonight,” Sean said. Eiboline nodded, already moving to the dresser to get Cait some panties. “I don’t got girl ones,” Cait whispered. The adults looked at each other. They don’t have girl ones. She didn’t want them at the time they went last. Eiboline frowned. “Sean, go get her some sweat pants. We’ll just let her sleep in sweatpants, no undies the rest of the night. She can decide if she wants the undies in the morning, but for now, let’s make her comfortable.” Sean nodded. “Okay. That sounds like the smart thing.” They took the little girl back to their room, tucked her between them, helped her thumb find her mouth, and whispered. “You are perfect as you are Cait. You are a good little girl, and we will help you get your body back under control. Trust us. It will take time, but we will fight for you until you have control, hon. We don’t mind you peeing, even if you do it for attention. What we hate, is you feeling like you have no control over it at all.” Safely between her big people, she slept into the morning too long and peed the bed again. No one yelled at her when Grandma checked on her. “Cait, hon? You awake?” “I peed.” “That’s alright. You’re a big girl. Do you want help in the bath, or can you do it, hon? You had a very bad night last night, and I’m not talking about pee, baby. You had a nightmare, and it’s okay to be scared after a nightmare.” “I… it wasn’t a nightmare exactly.” “Well, do you want to take a bath by yourself?” “Yeah. I want to. I can do it.” When Cait came down to the kitchen for breakfast, Sean came through the door. “We fed your horse for you and got the water today, hon.” “I’m sorry.” “No, Cait. You didn’t do anything wrong. We all get upset at nightmares. You were running a fever last night, too. You needed the rest.” “I peed your bed.” “It’s okay,” Sean went over and picked her up and put her in his lap. “I told you last night. You are allowed to pee, even if you are doing it for attention. I just don’t like you not being able to control it, hon. That’s what we are fixing, is your ability to choose if you pee your pants or not, not if you will do it when you need to know you matter or if you get scared or have a nightmare and it happens.” “It felt so real, and somehow, I was awake in my room at the same time I was in the dream,” Cait was chewing on a piece of jam and toast. “It was…, I was awake and peeing my pants on purpose, but I wasn’t awake and I had this like police light on me. You know the old shows, where they show someone being in question by the police?” “The nightmare?” Sean asked. “Yeah. There was a ant watching me sleep. And there was a clock, but the clock not there when I waked up. And the people in a dark place… I couldn’t understand what they sounded, but it doesn’t like people. It’s like. Something. Not people. And it said. I did everything. I pooped my pants on purpose at school.” “Did you poop your pants on purpose at school?” Daddy asked. Cait looked down. “I think so.” Sean and Eiboline looked at one another. “I don’t care how much this costs us or if we have insurance. Can you explain this to her?” Sean asked. “I can’t. But I know that no ten year old purposefully poops her pants where she’s going to get shamed… especially by an entire room of her peers. This is… this is out of my skill set, Eiboline. Unless you have some magical understanding like with the reading thing….” “I don’t,” Eiboline frowned. “I’ve never seen anyone so guilt-filled over just peeing the bed. This is… you’re right. We need to sacrifice for this, Sean. You and I… we love her, but that’s not enough this time. She needs real help.” Chapter 69 Mr. Brady’s Mistake “Okay, this is what we do. Cait, you need to see your baby first, so you eat breakfast and you go put on some farm clothes. You may choose not to wear panties if you wish.” Sean has her standing facing him like everything he is telling her is serious. “If you choose not to wear panties put sweats on under the jeans. Can you do that?” “Okay.” “Your choice, hon. Sweats will be hot, but still has an inner layer to feel like you have panties on. But you’re right, we don’t have girl ones, so it’s up to you. Second, after you are dressed, you go out to the stable while I call Arnold over for an hour, and you spend time with Summerstone, but when I say, not whining, we go then, okay?” “Okay,” and she reached up and hugged him. “I don’t know what I said,” Cait was telling Summerstone a while later. “Suddenly, Daddy got real serious. He wants me to go to town in an hour. I’m sorry I wasn’t out here to feed you before.” Summerstone was tasting her hair again. “Why do you like my hair so much? Hair is yucky.” “I’m worried though.” She led Summerstone from the stable to her own field. It was still very low cut, and difficult for snakes to hide in not to mention the chicken fence stuff that went up to the first board of the fence to keep snakes out. “The Ghost said that Grainne pooped her pants yesterday, and I’m afraid she did it in front of the My sur y Daddy. If she did, she’s gonna be in real trouble. And if she didn’t and had to go, and went off the field, she’ll be in trouble for not doing her chores.” Summerstone nudged her hand. Cait patted his neck. “And if Aoibhe peed her pants… she’s going to be really… there’s a word for it. It means more sad than sad. I can’t be member the word. But she will… she will need Grainne and if Grainne pooped…. What if everything is messed up?” Cait sighed. “I need to write Grainne and ask. She won’t know I need to know unless I ask. It’s impertent. I hope Daddy lets me use another stamp thing and enbellop.” “Oh, I gotta see this,” that girl stood feet from my baby. How can she? I’d hit her if my hand could. “So, you’ll write to Grainne…. Big sis. I got you in trouble. Did you poop your pants? It’s my fault!” Cait’s hands shook at her sides and her eyes narrowed at the spot the ghost stood. She was pushed gently in the back and she fell on her butt. Summerstone pushed her down. She laughed. She looked around and the ghost was gone. “Thanks. I need did for that.” When Sean brought Cait in, Cait looked over at the kitchen drawer. Sean and Eiboline were talking until somehow, Eiboline noticed something, maybe. “Cait? Did you want something?” “I just thinking. How many enbolops I can use, and if I can use those stamp things? I… I have a really hard question to Grainne that more impertent, and I scared I don’t ask… Grainne doesn’t know I scared she hurted.” “Are you talking about the nightmare last night?” Grandma asked. “It before the night dream. It doesn’t nightmare. It not monsters. It just… It bad dreams.” “Well, how about we go talk to someone first, Cait. Then, if you still need to ask Grainne your question when we get home, we’ll let you write a letter then.” “Okay.” We approached this smaller building with a parking lot around it. I think it had a waiting room, maybe toilets, and then a hall with only four rooms in it. “Cait Kinsella?” a shorter than adult girl but taller than kid girl called us. She had a green dress on, and it had all these colored ribbons on her dress. Her hair was light brown and she wore it like pigtails. She was shorter than Grandma and shorter than Mama. She was taller than Grainne, though, I think. We went into a room, and Daddy held me in his lap while Grandma told her what made them bring me. “Children have nightmares,” Grandma said. “But even the next morning, the nightmare was eating through her. She thinks she poops her pants on purpose, at ten years old, even though we know it’s a hernia and have tried to explain it. This is just the start. She does things that… well, I’m sure it’s because she’s suffering from guilt or something and Sean and I… we’ve done what we can… but his guilt she carries. It’s not normal and we are worried that we don’t know how to really help her.” Cait looked down. “I was bad.” The woman frowned. “I see what you mean.” She stood up while Daddy and Grandma sat with Cait in Daddy’s lap, and she walked over to a shelf. It had this floppy black bear and this brown dog. She walked back to her desk, but she shook the bear, and it looked like the bear was walking on his back feet and the brown dog, she scooted it along, but not on nothing. And she sat there with them. She had the dog say it name to the Bear. “My name is Zing Shawn.” “I am Gentle Ben,” the black bear said. “But Ben works.” “You know Harmony, don’t you Ben?” “I sure do, but who is that girl?” The dog doll was made to look up, down, left and then at me. “Oh. There is a girl here.” Cait giggled. “What’s her name?” Ben asked and the head was made to turn in cartoony movements… even almost turning the bear upside down to make it look at Cait upside down. “I don’t know,” Zing Shawn, actually Xin Xaou, but Cait didn’t know Chinese. “You could ask her.” “No, you ask her.” “No! What if she hates me?” “I’m scary,” Ben said. “Little girls are used to dogs. You ask her.” “No….” and both of them ran behind the far edge of the desk and hid peeking only their heads up, their eyes just over the surface looking at Cait. “You not scary,” Cait told the bear. “Why your name is Zing and Shawn?” “No. it’s more like zhin zhou,” the dog said. “I Chi-a-nese if you please!” “Oh.” “Can you help us?” Ben asked Cait. “Help you?” “Well, it’s just we don’t know what is the right thing. See, sometimes, it’s cold outside. Xin Xiou doesn’t like going outside to the dog’s toilet. He likes the cat’s toilet. He never used it yet, but he thinks it would be warmer in winter.” “Do you ever go in a boy’s bathroom?” Xin Xiou asked. Cait frowned. “If you go in the Cat toilet, will another dog call you a cat?” “That’s what I tried to tell him,” Ben waved it’s paw. “But…. Sometimes…. The people don’t understand that what reasons are. I pee my pants.” “Are humans supposed to?” Ben asked. “No,” said the dog. “But the girl looks big enough to know that. The question is why she does it.” “Does it matter?” Asked the Bear? “I don’t know,” Xin Xiou somehow had its shoulders go higher than it’s head. “Well, it matters,” Cait frowned. “You don’t have friends… well, you can have friends, maybe… Ruth is my friend. But at school, no one likes you if you go in your pants.” “If no one likes you at school…,” the dog began. “I can’t make trouble. If I make trouble, someone gets hurt. And it’s my fault! If I bad, Grainne gets hit. If I bad, Daddy bad mood. Grainne get in the way, not just me. She get in the way for other sisters. She gets hit when he… when there’s too much drink and too many troubles for the other Daddy.” “Other Daddy?” “Yeah. These my cousins. But Sean is like…. How can I say? It’s not one thing. He just…. I wish Daddy is like him. And Eiboline…. Eiboline is Irish, Xin Xiou. That means you and my Grandma… or really my cousin… you are the same. You come America, but your family in another place.” “But you wish your Daddy is like your cousin?” Xin Xiou asked. “What about why you call your other cousin Grandma?” “I was apposed to call her Aunt or Auntie, but she… she’s too… she’s what I wish I have. I don’t have any grandmas. But if I had one, she’s just like one. She bakes stuff. She doesn’t get mad when you put too much sugar on your cereal. She lets my have a Front City right in the living room, and she lets….” Cait looked around for Kookaberry. Sean handed her the toy. “This is Kookaberry, or Kook or Kooks for short.” “Why Kookaberry?” asked Ben it’s head all over again almost upside down making Cait giggle. Cait shrugged. “Why not? I like it.” “Well, his name sounds like something someone can make fun of?” Ben twisted it’s every which way again. “Do you mean like Coo Coo?” Cait asked. “Because Coo Coo is not his name, and my Name is Cait, but my best friend and her big brother doesn’t let no one meow at me no more.” “Well, yeah, I guess that is what I was thinking,” Ben put its front hand paws out. “No one gets to play with him that calls him names,” Cait frowned. “I am in charge of who plays with him even though he really was the cousins’ son’s bear.” “How did that happen?” Xin Xious asked. “Nope. That’s not my story. I don’t tell no one that story. If you want to know, Daddy and Grandma are right there. They will tell you if they want. I not saying it.” “Have you ever done something you wish you didn’t do?” Xin Xiou asked Ben. “Well…, I did a lot of things that I wish I didn’t do.” “Like?” “I climbed a tree once and stole honey from the bees. My nose paid for that one.” “I buried a bone in someone’s yard once. They put this barrier I can’t get into now and lost my favorite bone.” “You two!” Kookaberry frowned. “You don’t know nothing! That’s just… stuff you do. That’s not like what Cait understands at all!” Except Kookaberry had Cait’s voice this time. It wasn’t in her head. “Oh, we don’t?” Xin Xiou asked. “Well, what do you know, then?” “Cait has to not get Grainne in trouble. She has to not get in trouble at school. Not move if she starts peeing because pee going into more than one room makes trouble for her mom. She has to pee the bed… on purpose… and not because she wants to. She doesn’t know when she should pee her pants and should try to get to the bathroom sometimes. But if someone tells her to stay, she stays… and she poops her pants if she isn’t told to move, but the poop is there.” “That’s a lot of rules.” “Yeah. And it’s different for school, for church, for home, for the car, for everything. Cait can’t even read the same school as at home. And she can’t even ask permission. Other kids raise their hand to get water. Cait sits there and pees her pants in the quiet and hopes no one is watching her.” “What happens if she wets the bed?” Xin Xiou asked. “Nothing. She’s supposed to pee the bed. It’s if she gets up. If she wets and it gets more than her panties hold and gets the floor going to the toilet, she gets it. She stays in bed and pees…. She is told good girl. Don’t cause trouble.” Cait’s eyes felt hot, stingy, watery and blurred. She felt her legs shaking. She felt hiccups in her chest, but they weren’t coming out in the air. They were just pressure moving making her chest hurt. She started to pee her pants. Cait though the professional lady was frowning, and that her hands shook as she picked up Ben. Shaking. Ben asked. “What’s different where you are now, and how home is?” Kooks got quiet. “Cait still pees the bed, sometimes. Sometimes. Sometimes, she gets up. No one yells at her. She peed in the hall. She stayed in her pee in the hall. That’s where it wet past her panties. She sleeping there. He was just Uncle Sean then. He got her up. He said. “Don’t sleep in pee.” Now, they change her when she’s trying to stay in her peed underwears.” Cait dropped Kooks and looked the woman in the face. “That Daddy,” she pointed at Sean. “He doesn’t lift my skirt with poop all over my underwears. He holds me and he takes me home and changes my underwears, and he told me don’t sit in pee pee.” She looked down. “At school. I don’t read. I don’t like books. Yesterday, Grandma made me like books. I Reading ‘A Spell for Cameron’ or whatever it is. And I love Bink. Grandma and Daddy let me really read. Really read. Really read! I need help. But the words are big and separate when I read with Daddy and Grandma. Not at school and not at home.” “Tell me about the thing that scares you most,” Harmony asked. Cait looked down. “Later.” More pee went into her pants and all over the chair. “I think that’s all we can do today, but Cait shared more than I expected. This is not a failed session. I just don’t have the full picture yet. I’ll need to have some sessions with her alone to fully understand her, but we have a starting place for next time.” “We don’t have insurance yet,” Daddy frowned. “I can pay today’s with cash. But I don’t know how long I can pay in cash. I told my insurance company off yesterday. They tried to shut the child up, when the whole reason we were there was so they could hear from her to understand why we need her on insurance today and not next March!” We were in the car on the way home. Daddy had changed me before we left. He always takes care of me, assept when Grandma does it. A cat watched from across the street as a young girl climbed into a car. The tall woman had opened the door and let herself in the passenger seat. The man had put the girl down on her feet from carrying her, and then ducked into the car to fuss over the child. The car pulled out. A butterfly flew over the top of the car as it pulled onto the main road. “You told the lady, Mrs. Harmony, about everything,” Kookaberry said. “Not everything,” the pee pee pantied ghost sat at the other door. “She didn’t tell how she got you.” “That’s not really true.” “Yes, it is. She told them that you were given to her, but she didn’t tell them what you were before they gave you to her.” “That’s not working,” Kookaberry whispered. “Grandma doesn’t hear you.” “Grandma? Is Cait talking or is Kooks talking?” There was silence. Three dogs sat a corner across the way, just watching cars. The head dog probably decided they would chase the blue one. But before they did, they glanced at Cait in the window. They had to have seen the ghost. They didn’t move until the ghost was gone. Then they chased the blue car. “Auntie said not to tell everything,” Cait whispered. “What did Grandma say?” the Ghost asked. “Grandma didn’t say nothing.” “You see? Because the Grandma in the old lady is smarter than the Aunt. The truth will come out, and you will be sorry you didn’t tell on yourself before your helper finds out.” Chomp. Fizzle. The ghost slowly just-appeared into nothing. “Cait? Why didn’t you tell the helper person about where I was before you got me?” “Because. You weren’t mine until they gave you to me, Kookaberry. That past. It’s not mine to tell. It’s Grandma and Daddy and you. Auntie said that days ago. It not lying to not say that something you know. It’s what Auntie meets. You can know something but not say. I didn’t lie. I told the truth. I said I not saying that. I didn’t say I don’t know. How that lying?” “It’s not lying. Do you think that Grandma wanted to keep me from you?” “No. I just don’t think I tell that story. That’s Grandma and Daddy who must share if anyone shares it. You… you won’t make me tell them with you, promise? Promise, if you tell them, you do it with using Auntie’s voice. Not Grandma. Auntie. Auntie needs to be okay sharing.” “You are a kinder and more smart person than some,” Kooks said. “No. I’m just careful. I’m not better.” Chapter 70 A sure Ace! Arnold was in the kitchen when Daddy and Grandma got us in. It was after dark. “How was the kid’s Therapist?” Arnold asked. “I don’t know,” Sean frowned opening the fridge and pulling out two beers. He tossed one at Arnold. “She did get Cait to talk a little bit though by sort of playing with her.” “So? Can she help her sort her problems?” “She says Cait just barely broke the surface today. She said it will take time to understand Cait enough to start working out her issues. She said it’s going to be expensive. She took a cash payment today, but she said what Cait needs… is insurance, so that the sessions are not interrupted once she gets comfortable enough to start sharing.” “Stupid bureaucrats!” The men took a breath. Cait sat in Kookaberry’s seat so the men could sit closer to each other, but Cait was curious. “I heard you ended it with that Brady guy.” “Well…. I don’t know if I did the right thing, but he wanted to talk at Cait or about her, but not to her. He wanted to make her wait until March. And he wanted to act like a child sitting in a messy pair of pants is normal. I won’t expose Cait to people like that. She’s had too many people like that deciding things over her head.” “I can read,” Cait said though her voice was a little quiet, just in case she wasn’t supposed to be there. “You’re ten,” Arnold told her. “I hope you can.” “Well, I can’t read like a ten year old. But I can read. I just learned to read.” “What?” “It’s her eyes,” Sean frowned. “These people are supposed to be watching children and knowing how to find out when they need help, and what professionals for the last four or five years of her life couldn’t find out, my under-educated and wonderful wife found out within three seconds of seeing Cait trying to read!” “It’s my finger,” Cait frowned. “Everyone says to follow your finger. I do it and every time, my eyes hurt, the words get sometimes three words is one, and then I lose where I was. But Grandma…. She tells him to use a ruler. Then she pulls out this biggafied glass, and then I can read more.” “A what kind of glass?” Arnold asked scratching his white and black beard. “She means a magnifying glass. She called it something else earlier.” “You’re not telling her what it’s called?” “She’ll work it out for herself. She’s smart. But I like to think that her inventing the words for herself first is helping her. She can predict words better if she has an idea of what she feels when she sees them. So… I see no harm in her calling it a biggafier or whatever she wants to call it.” “You’re not a typical parent.” “No. I suppose I’m not. I guess that’s what Mr. Brady found out.” “Can I go bathroom and come back and talk, again, too? Or… I can just pee my pants,” Cait reconsidered. “You go potty, little lady. If I didn’t intend on you talking, I would have told you to leave the table before now. This is your table, and if I didn’t run you off from an adult talking, then I won’t run you off just because you went potty.” “Okay. I be back… unless… pre-pees make too much before I get there.” “I’ll take her,” Eiboline smiled. “She’ll be back whether she has an accident or not.” “You didn’t tell them where Kookaberry came from,” Grandma said as she led Cait into the bathroom. “Why is that, hon?” “Because. Auntie would be sad. When Auntie is too over sad welmed she pees her pants. I don’t want Auntie to be over sad welmed where people pick on her because her pre-pee can’t hold back from the sad of Ron. That why I told Kooks in the car, he not allowed to make me tell that. And Grandma can’t tell, too. It has to be Auntie.” “You really do protect people you love, don’t you?” “No? I don’t know how. I not strong. I just doing what Auntie said one day in field when I found Ron name on Shadow dog tag. She said it not lying to not say something sometimes.” “Well…, someday, some of those kids that thought you were not worth their time, they’re going realize they made the wrong friends, Cait. It would have been so easy to tell the therapist what you decided you didn’t want to tell. You were having fun, playing, and talking to her. Then, you set Kookaberry down, and you said you wouldn’t share that. That takes a lot for a kid to not forget to protect something that she was keeping. We didn’t even say it was private between us. You just decided on your own, and you went with that promise even through play.” “Daddy, Uncle, cousin, whatever… Sean…. He doesn’t lift my skirt in parking lots when he knows I got poop in my panties. He doesn’t tell I wearing boy ones. And you don’t do it, too. I learning that somethings not lying. It just private for that person because you don’t prove everyone I peed my panties.” Pee started pushing out of my body and into the toilet. Darriiitleitleitle…. It stopped. I looked up at Grandma. “I can’t get up yet. There’s still pee in there.” “Grandma has as long as need, Cait. Don’t be scared.” It started again. The red headed and heavily freckled child was smiling as she walked into the kitchen again. She picked up Kookaberry and held him against her chest, and she listened to Daddy and Mr. Arnold again. “I talked to my brother-in-law about you having trouble getting Cait insurance.” “Is he the one that works for an insurance group?” “He is.” The phone rang. “Kinsellas speaking,” Grandma answered the phone because Daddy was talking. “You don’t say? Look, I don’t know. Yeah. I’ll ask him, but you people shamed a little girl that was trying to tell you what was wrong with her, and she was being brave…. No, I understand it was one man. One man or not, it is not…. Yes, fine.” Grandma came back to the table. “That insurance group wants to talk to you, Sean.” “Did you tell them that they had a chance?” “Look, I’m sorry, but he’s talking over me like my voice doesn’t matter. He wants to talk to you like you make all the decisions.” “Oh? Do they think this will make me want to deal with them?” Grandma shrugged. Daddy got up, but as he did so, he almost made the chair fall backwards. He stomped to the phone. He had that stomp stomp in his step that if he were going after one of us kids, Grainne would try to get in the way, and four other girls would be running in all directions to get away from him. Only… Grainne would get it. Hot tears blurred my eyes. “…. Stop. Stop right there. Your Mr. Brady talked over my little girl, and now you acted like my wife isn’t an equal. I’m hanging…. What? Look, I don’t care what you’re…. What? No, I don’t…. Yes, I know how hard it will be to get Cait on new insurance. No? Even if you …. No. You don’t get to dismiss my wife like that. You want me back? You talk to my wife. I’m busy. If you don’t convince her, don’t expect to even have a chance with me. Here’s Eiboline…. No. I’m busy. And you either talk to her, or I’m finding someone else. End of it.” “Eiboh? There’s a man on the phone here for you with a large helping of humble pie in his mouth!” When Daddy sat down at the table again, I looked up at both of them. “Cait, hon? Daddy sees the question on your face. You’re allowed to talk.” “What did you meet, humble pie?” “Well, you remember how that Mr. Brady was and how I stopped listening to him when he shut you down?” “Yeah? What shut you down?” “He didn’t let you talk, hon. That man on the phone is from the same company and tried to act like your Grandma was a kid or something. He wanted to go over her head and talk to me. That’s the stuff I’m not putting up with. That Brady dismissed you just because you are a child, and the one on the phone tried to go over Grandma’s head just because she wasn’t a man. I told him that none of his apologies or his deals will have us going back there, unless he talks to your Grandma right.” “He wants us back?” “Well…. When you are a good customer with a large company like that, I suspect Brady got a slap in the face for losing one of their good clients. They are offering things that made it hard to pass up. The thing is…. I’m not going to take them back as long as they disrespect either of my ladies.” Cait slowly crawled out of her chair, looking up at Daddy, holding Kookaberry. “I see you, honey. Yes, you can come over here and hug Daddy if you want.” Cait ran over and put her arms around Daddy. “Back the other farm? He wouldn’t have cared. He would talk the man and we’d have insurance no matter they even called Mama the Bah plus itch word.” “I’m not perfect, pet. Grandma and Daddy get in lots of fights over stuff. But we try to not hurt each other’s feelings. Fights is supposed to be about looking for a way that we can both live with something where we don’t get it all our way. They aren’t about attacking the other adult into fully giving up. When you do that, well, what is the point of being together? You’re not even friends if you fight tooth and nail for every compromise.” Cait looked up at him. Her eyes were wide. Daddy said he not perfect. That’s a surprise, but it’s not as confusing as his other words. He said fighting isn’t about attacking the other adult, and fights are about looking for a way to do something fair? That’s like fighting with Grainne. Grainne fights until Cait doesn’t bother her by what what she wants. He said coprise? What is coprise? “Is Daddy talking over your head again? I’m sorry, Cait. What I mean is, I can be stubborn, and I sometimes do carry a fight a little too far sometimes trying to get what I want from Grandma, and that’s wrong. When people are married, they should try to be fair. Why marry someone if you don’t love them. If you love them, why wouldn’t you want to be fair and want the other person to be happy, too?” Cait smiled. “Oh, okay. I get that. That’s like Grainne does me. I fight too hard though, but she just says fine and walks away even when I get more what I want, but only after she gets something her way.” “You are children. You are still learning what’s fair and what fighting with someone you love should be like. But adults that do that marriage partners…. Well, let’s say we should know the goal, and sometimes, we forget.” “Okay. You said coprise?” “Coprise?” “Yeah, um… how did it go? You not friends if you fight tooth and nail for every coprise?” “Oh, com-pro-mise, sweetheart. That’s when you both agree on a term that’s fair or that you are willing to do in exchange for something the other person will do. Wars against countries fight tooth and nail for compromise, but loving friends and partners shouldn’t need to fight so hard for it. They should want it.” “Clodagh sometimes does dishes for Grainne when Grainne helps her a long time with her homework.” “Yes, Cait, that’s what I mean. And how hard does Grainne have to fight for it?” “Depends on Clo’s feeling. Sometimes, Clo offers it. Sometimes, Grainne says she won’t have time unless she is willing to trade it. But that’s usually the end of the fight.” “Well, you saw what I did with the insurance company?” “Yeah. You didn’t even let them talk you when they said sorry.” “Why didn’t I, Cait?” “B’cuz they tried to talk you and skipping Grandma?” “I don’t compromise my family’s respect, Pet. Grandma is important to me. You are important to me. I don’t have to care if it’s fair for the insurance company. I’ve been more than fair with them. They got paid first two years ago when I almost lost the farm. I already paid my dues for fair treatment, and my family’s respect is not even going to be something I talk to them about. They respect you and Grandma, or I don’t need them.” Cait hugged him. She didn’t know exactly what he said. But what she did hear was… Grandma was too important for him to accept trading her be-spect. And Cait was too important for him to trade her be-spect. That’s all she needed to hear. Arnold frowned. “I wish my boys were as attentive as your ten year old kid,” he frowned. “They’re a lot older, but sometimes, I wonder if they know the meaning of fair and how to get it with family. Maybe I can pay you to teach my kids?” Sean shook his head. “No, you know you don’t mean that, Arnold.” “I actually, do, sometimes. But I suspect being boys has a little bit to do with it, or maybe not having a sister to be gentle with?” “They’re still kids, Arnold. Give them time. Liam was really gentle with Cait the other day.” “I even peed my pants,” Cait looked up at him. “Liam said he not changing no ten year old butt, but he still stayed with me until I go in the house and he didn’t call me bad stuff.” “Oh, Mr. Arnold, sir? Oh, sorry. I been dis-be-spectful. I… um… Daddy? Can I talk to Mr. Arnold? What his last name?” The two men looked at one another, Sean more sad and Arnold more with his eyes scrunched like he was trying to understand something. “Cait…, he’s at your table, and you were invited to talk,” Daddy said again like the third time. “You already got permission to talk to him. You were not disrespectful, Pet. It’s okay to talk.” “Oh. Okay. Can… Can you wait a minute, Mr. Liam’s Daddy?” “Sure. I’m not going anywhere.” Cait ran upstairs and dug under her bed. She ran back down. She saw a little yellowy on the blue paper. “Um… I not allowed to say it. I showed why Daddy at Mysery always says it though. I got it. It go pee on it. Tell Liam I sorry.” Arnold took the paper from her anyway. It was folded like a card. It has pretty colors all over it. On the outside front, in big rainbow colors, one word. “F A N K S” was printed. Inside, there was a horse and a little girl by the horse and a tall boy outside the gate talking. Under the boy. “I am not tanjin no 10 yeah od but.” Arnold smiled and chuckled. “He’ll like this, Cait. Even with the pee on it.” Cait smile and looked down. “He my best big friend but I have another big friend. But he bigger friend than my other big friend, and he stay with me dark so Snake can’t bite me but I trouble for him. So he get a Thanks Card.” Eiboline called to Sean. “Sean? Do you want to give them another shot? They said they won’t even make Cait go through the pre-screening. I told them she has the hernia, something that will get her thrown off the insurance before they start, but they said they’ll work around it.” “Eiboh? Did the man talk with you with dignity, or did he talk at you?” Sean asked. “I wasn’t offended.” “Tell him we’ll talk to him tomorrow then at a time he determines. But if I don’t like his manner to either you or Cait, they had their chance, so tell him to come knowing who he’s talking to. I can be stubborn, and you know I can.” “Mr. Michael James asked if we can come in first thing. He says they open at nine, but he knows we are at the farm, so he’ll leave his day open for us until eleven.” “Eleven, eh?” Sean smiled. “I think he’s getting it. Yeah, we’ll be there at open, if Arnold is okay bringing his boys by tomorrow morning to help out on the farm.” “We’ll be here before seven.” “Daddy and Grandma trying to fix my body so I can choose if I pee my pants or not. I don’t get to choose a lot of times. It just doing it. Daddy says if I choose it, he not stopping that. He said he getting it fix so I CAN choose.” Arnold looked up at Sean. “You’re letting a ten year old decide if she pees her pants?” “She’s a person, Arnold. Why not? It only bothers her, and I don’t know many ten year olds that choose that unless it’s because of feeling safe or feeling like they are being heard. I see no reason not to let her wet her pants, if something scares her or she feels something is more important. We can still talk about it, and talk her through if it was the best thing for her. But a child that has been controlled like she has… they need to know that they have the choice. It’s not hurting anyone else. It’s not like she asks to sit on people and do it. That…, I would correct.” “What about social consequences and rashes and other problems that come with a kid peeing her pants?” Arnold asked. “Well, like I said, she’s ten. She’s not dumb. Ten year old kids are not going to pee in front of their peers unless something happens that scares them, makes them forget, or they are made to feel is more important. I’m not worried about her putting herself in social trouble all the time, and if becomes a problem, that’s what communication is about.” Arnold nodded. “Yeah, I suppose that’s right. But what about rashes?” “Rashes are not a problem if she changes her pants often enough. Grandma and I have already been working on teaching her to change her pants as soon as she can when she makes a mess even when it’s not her choice to potty her pants, she can still choose to put on clean clothes. She’s still learning she’s allowed to do it without permission, but we are working on it.” “She doesn’t know she should change her pants?” “Oh, I have no doubt she knows she should. That doesn’t mean she feels safe doing it yet. You have to understand. This child has not been living in a house where kids are assumed to be smart. They have to prove it. And if you have one little problem like your eyes don’t see the page right, or you can’t read big enough words, they didn’t look at her as being smart. That’s half the trouble. She knows she shouldn’t be wet, but she doesn’t feel empowered to do anything about it, yet. She’s learning though.” “What kind of crappy parents…?” “Don’t go spreading this around or saying stuff,” Sean leaned on the table. “I’m working with Cait, her Grandma, my wife… yeah, I know it sounds funny, but it’s Cait’s world. We are there for her as she needs us to be, but the both of us and eventually her therapists and doctors will teach her about choice and her responsibility to take care of herself.” When Arnold left, Cait was glad he still had her card for Liam. He even showed it up at Cait as he walked out so Cait could see. “Old Arnold means well,” Daddy said. “He just does things different and doesn’t understand. That’s okay. Being friends doesn’t mean you have to understand and do the same things. You just have to respect that your friend can make their own choices.” Cait held Daddy’s hand. Even if she didn’t understand his reasons for saying some things, she liked that he talked to her like she mattered. Like she was smart enough to talk to. “Daddy?” Cait looked up into his eyes and she felt his strong hands as she held one of them in both of hers. “What if I am sixteen, and I still pee my pants?” “Well…, I don’t know, Cait. What are you worried about with that scenario? Are you afraid you are doing it on purpose? Are you afraid your classmates won’t understand?” “Will you still like me?” He squeezed her hand. “I will always love you, Cait, even if you are old and gray and still pee while you’re talking at the table. Love is not conditional, Cait.” “What if Arnold says he won’t be your friend no more because I teaching his kids to pee their pants?” Sean frowned. “Where would you get that idea?” Cait looked down. Somewhere outside, an ant scampered to its nest. It ran down into the tunnels until it found the telephone room. It clicked and ticked at the phone…. Six ants with headbands and feathers popped out of their hole somewhere in a back yard. They saw their target, a large giant structure with little entrance places their size here and there. The clicked and ticked at each other. Three ants went up the wall. Two ants went to the large plank that was different from the wall. One ant crawled up to this giant see-in thingy. It tested and pushed until it found a way under the see-in thing and got into the empty room. “Cait?” Sean broke into her thinking. “Does anyone accuse you of teaching other kids to pee their pants?” Cait’s finger was resting on her bottom teeth in her mouth. “No.” Drool pools on her finger. The single ant moved across the large foreign surface. There was no dirt, no grass, no rock anywhere on the flat surface. It touched the front of the surface with its forward hands that were on its head. Tick tick click click It signaled though it couldn’t see the other five. Ticking and clicking came back to hit. The ant moved forward. “Well, where would you get the idea that you are teaching someone to wet their pants?” Daddy asked Cait. “It’s Grainne.” The ant broke into a room with white ground, shiny walls, white big things that had water smell to them. Once of the things had dirty water in it. A large creature with a snake like arm swayed back and forth, it’s body striking another large creature with their back turned to the creature with the snake arm. “Roisin Pisses her pants because you teach her to do it,” was yelled and echoed around the room. Cait looked up at Sean. “What if Grainne gets hit because I pee my pants? What if she gets hit because Roisin pees her pants? What if Daddy blames her for both of us? What if Grainne doesn’t know, but I caught her changing her panties one day last year?” Sean frowned and looked over at Eiboline. Eiboline frowned. “What if…? Or are you afraid to say it is?” Cait shrugged. “Grainne peed her pants on the bus home, one day. I didn’t think about it when I was sitting next to her, but then when we got home, I was outside the bathroom. I wanted to go pee. Grainne was taking a minute and so I tried to go in. She said get out really mad, so I went out, but she had her panties off and her skirt was really wet on the butt. I think she was hiding her panties.” “Well, Cait, you are here, right now. There is nothing you can do right now that would affect Grainne getting in trouble. I cannot tell you if another sister is being used the wrong way or not, but I can tell you, that it’s not right,” Eiboline responded. “I don’t think it’s healthy to think so much about what you can’t do anything about, Pet.” Cait sighed. The ghost said that Cait had power. All she had to have to do, is just potty her pants how the ghost wanted, and Grainne wouldn’t be in trouble, and then Roisin wouldn’t see her pee, and so Daddy wouldn’t accuse Grainne of teaching Roisin wrong. It was Cait’s fault. As Cait got ready to sleep that night, she thought about the ant scout and what the ant saw in her old home. To her, it was very real, but it was cartoon ant after all that went down it’s mound in an elevator, and it had a telephone room where it called up her uncle’s ants, and they sent these cartoon like ‘Indian scout ants’ into the house to find out that Grainne was being yelled at by her other Daddy again, and he had a new snake belt that was hitting Grainne. “Kooks? Which Jesus feels more real to you?” Cait asked the bear. “Everywhere in the world, I see people have some trouble, and a lot of lost people. The Bible isn’t magic. It doesn’t always save people. Does Daddy’s Jesus get stronger than Father’s Jesus?” “It’s the same person, it’s it?” Kooks smoothed down some fur on his right front paw-arm. “I don’t know,” Cait frowned. “Father’s Jesus is powerful, but he can be angry and he demands you to be powerful and he demands you obey. Daddy’s Jesus is kind and tells little girls that he’ll hold you even if you peed.” “You humans are too mixed up for me.” “It the grownups that are mixed up,” Cait told Kookaberry. “Grownups have so many rules, I don’t know how they know them all. I just have rules that mean it’s safe. Don’t hit another person. You won’t want it done to you, and so you know if you hit someone, you expect them to hit back. Don’t take and not ask. If someone takes your stuff and you don’t even know they want it, you get mad. So you don’t take stuff. You ask for stuff.” “Those rules are easy.” “The Kinsellas are lying to you,” the ghost appeared on her bed. “The Jesus that Father taught us about is shown in the Bible. He gets mad when the people forget him. He punishes them when they do bad things and don’t trust him to protect them. Don’t you remember the stories?” Cait frowned. When Moses told the people that He, Moses told the people how to get out of the desert, and how he saved them, and how he gave the food and water, God said because you have done this, you will not leave the desert. When Samson forgot his purpose and he let the woman take him from God, his only way to make happy God, was to die with the bad people. When Lot was leaving the bad city, and he told the people not to look back, his wife got punished for wanting to go back. The Ghost was right. Cait sighed. “Do you think the Kinsella’s are doing what Jesus wants?” The Ghost shrugged. “How would we know? What matters is you do what God wants. Does God want a dirty poopy ten year old follower?” “No?” “But that is what you are. Before you can stop pooping your pants, you have to ask God to forgive you for everything.” “What is forgive?” “How should I know? I’m just a ghost. You should have listened to Father.” “Father? He says I stay there and finish it, and not say lie I don’t do it. Let it go, and the tell I am sorry. And prove I sorry.” “How do you prove you sorry?” “I… I do recess rule. I don’t tell loud what I do. I sit and wait for say I can move. I wait and then they say I allowed to change and then try again. And I don’t go until I allowed.” “And you been shameful since you got here. God isn’t happy with you.” The next morning, Cait was sitting wrapped in the blankets waiting for father to get her out of bed. She was rocking. Her thumb was in her mouth. Her little boy panties were soggy, but she refused to believe she peed. She was still drizzling when it hurt too much to wait. Her tummy hurt. Air pushed at her bottom, but she tried harder to push it back in, not let it out, in case it was shame. Kookaberry was quiet. Cait was rocking. Her thumb was getting wrinkled. She felt another little bit of water push from her into her boy panties. She was in the wrong panties. God not happy that, too…. Unexpectedly, a tap on the wall and a sound that thundered through her ears told her that they were about to catch her being bad. The bedding was pre-peed… or was it wet? The air puffs were coming out. Was that failure? There was no poop yet. But it was started. She was puffing. Cait rocked harder, staring at the window, shaking. “I didn’t do it. I didn’t do it.” Her butt was sore. She was trying not to let it out. She didn’t pee. She didn’t. But there was dampness in the sheets and the wrapped blanket around her. But she didn’t. It was just pre-pee. It was. “Cait? Are you ready to come out and help with Summerstone this morning?” this distant, dreamy, unreal voice of a dream of what she wished Daddy and God were like called through the open doorway. “The Devil calls, sounding sweet like an angel. He was one, once,” the Ghost told her. Cait nodded. She stayed quiet. She wasn’t going to answer the devil. “You’re pooping your pants,” the Ghost told her. Suddenly, a slimy sick sludge started to push into her boy panties and stick on her butt and legs. She sighed with a small whine and her thumb paused in her mouth as she pushed and loaded her panties now, knowing it was too late. The flood of pee flooded the bed. She had dis-mad-pointed God again. She felt shaking, not her own, someone was using their hands. She closed her eyes. She didn’t want see the demon faces. She screamed. “Leave me alone!” She kicked and slugged the air with her hands. “Get the therapist!” she heard each word slow and echoing in the fight. “Get the Ther o pest!” She kicked, screamed, and swung and cried until she fell asleep, wetness pouring out of her again and soaking her back and bottom before she was too tired, and she saw only black.

Chapter 54 Ch...ch, That God’s House Cait opened her mouth wide, a hiccup of breath shaking her jaw, and she sat up in bed. She looked around the not (azactly) dark room, the curtains pulled just so, a gift from Auntie, so that she could see a little bit and wasn’t scared. The farmland on the dresser was one-se again hiding all the persons by the rules of night. The kalt was almost just-appeared. She felt some warmth in her underwears, and knew that she pre-peed a little in her sleep, but the bed was still not wetted, so it wasn’t full wet, yet. The bed-town along side of her bed, closer to the bottom so she had space to get up, was fully up and she knew it was quiet there with people still sleep in the two or three blocks that were one house, but a lot of these, so it was a town. There was bit of light through the open of the curtain, that let light in, and the sky was look not dark black, but more like it was light with a deep orange and red haze. It was the second Sunday in June. It was just one day after the first week with the Kinsellas, where Cait knew Sean as Uncle, and then Uncle-Daddy, and then Cow-Daddy. He was the safe one. It was okay to get up even if she pees the floor. The ghost sat on the edge of the bed, it’s head turned towards Cait but it’s body trying to face the window. The dress was soaking wet and stained that it had on. It’s eyes were just dark holes of black. “Sure, get up,” the ghost told Cait. “Dairy Dad won’t say a thing, but you know yourself, you are going to pee in a minute. You can even clean the stain up off the floor, but then you’ll be a liar.” Cait paused. “You promised something last night, but I guess your promises don’t mean nothing?” Cait looked down. “What did I promise?” “That your new pony comes first, or are you too stupid to be member?” Cait wet a little pre-pee in her underwears. “Well, staying in bed isn’t doing the promise, too.” “I never said it was, but if you go into the bathroom, or make a stain on the floor, you know what will happen. First, you won’t be doing your promise that Summerstone is first, and second, if you ignore the floor to care for Summerstone, then that means Auntie has to clean up your stupid stuff.” “What do I do?” “Honestly? No Kookaberry bites?” “I want to do my promise, ghost. What do I do?” “Hurry up and pee in the bed. That’s where you are supposed to pee at. Then you go straight out to Summerstone, and change your pajamas after Summerstone is taken care of, like you promised.” “I could just go outside, peeing my pants outside.” “And if you don’t make it outside, then Auntie cleans up the floor all the way as far as you get while you are peeing? Put your hand in your pajamas and feel your Undies. Then, you tell me that you are not going to start getting pee pee for real on the floor.” Cait felt some more pee soak into her underwears. Her face was hot and she shivered in bed. “You’re right. It’s not going to wait long.” “Just pee your pants here, so Auntie only has to wash the sheets. Then put Summerstone first, like you said. You’re not a liar?” Cait spread her legs a little and it started pouring into the bed and she felt her chest get sore and her body shook. Her eyes hurt. Her pajamas got wetter and wetter. She shook, but she peed. And then it was over. The wet pajamas clung to her. “Go take care of Summerstone or be a liar,” the ghost whispered a smile on its face as it faded into the shadow of the large wardrobe. Cait sighed deeply, and pushed the blankets back. A lake in the bed, her pajamas clinging to her, she put her feet over the side of the bed, and she slid down to the floor. The house felt really quiet. She reached back across the bed and pulled Kookaberry to her, and then took Kookaberry’s lease, that suspender thing that Auntie uses, and she hung it round her neck and clipped the bear to it so it hung on her stomach. Her bedroom door was always open at night now. “Cait,” Auntie had rubbed the small girl’s legs last night when she had her tucked in bed. “How about we leave your bedroom door open tonight?” “Yeah?” “Yeah. You choose to close the door when you want, pet. I don’t want you to ever feel any room in the house is off limits to you during the day, and at night, well, if you are scared, you knock, but mostly, Uncle and Auntie’s room is off limits when we are in there unless we already invited you in, okay?” “Okay.” “No more doors inside, unless someone is in the bathroom.” Cait had taken a deep breath. “Why suddenly?” “Oh… just something your mom said when we were talking. I don’t want you to be scared to get up in the night if you need. I don’t mean just for the toilet, lassie. I mean for water if you need it, I mean to watch TV at four in the morning because you can’t sleep anymore, and I mean, just when you really need to not feel stuck.” “Okay.” Auntie and Uncle Sean. They don’t act like they know everything, but they do. Auntie knew I wouldn’t leave the bedroom with the door closed unless I heard them first… unless I had to pee, now. And she knew I would be scared to go into rooms that were closed off. She knew it. I don’t know how she knew. I don’t think Mama knew, so I don’t know what Mama told her. Cait looked down the empty kind of dark-kind of light balcony hallway to the Uncle and Auntie’s room. The door was closed. The bathroom light shined into the hall. That door was open. She tiptoed to the stairs and looked down at the clock that was just sort of lit enough. It had the little hand on the four and the big hand on the two. 4-2 in her way of telling time. Walking as quiet as possible, she crept down the stairs to the kitchen. The sun’s light was peeking up into the sky giving it some blue now. There was a little deep red and orange in the sky, still. The kitchen was as if no one had ever been in it except to clean it. No dishes, no chairs out, nothing that proved anyone should be in it. “Summerstone,” she breathed to herself. She got to the back door. “You don’t come out here on your own,” Uncle Sean told her. “Not until I know you can understand the animals right. Snakes shouldn’t be up here everyday now the bulls are closer to the house, but still, sometimes things happen. You only come out there if you know I’m out there and you only go to your pen and those places between on your own. I want you to wander, but I want you to do it in safety, love.” Cait hung her head. “Summerstone,” a whisper reminded her. “Are you breaking your promise?” “Cait,” Kookaberry whispered to her. “Is it breaking your promise if you knock on your Uncle’s door and make sure he is outside, first? Is it breaking your promise to follow his rules so you can do safe things?” Cait closed her eyes. “I don’t know,” she whispered aloud. “I know that Uncle Sean and Auntie are scared of snakes, and you are near it. I know Auntie will yell. She not mean. She yell because snake is serious. That boy last night… he telled you, right? A snake killed the little boy.” “A bull did,” Cait countered. “No. The bull was safe for the boy. The boy wouldn’t go in the pen if he or Uncle got scared of the bull. The snake scared the bull. The bull did was accident. The accident get made from the snake. And….” Cait had started to argue about the horns. “And…,” Kookaberry’s soft arm seemed to fall just right to brush Cait’s arm. “Even if the bull wasn’t there, and the boy was….” “The snake bites,” Cait whispered understanding that the snake was always the danger. “I could have went to the bathroom, huh?” Kookaberry seemed to shake its head. “I stayed quiet for because it was wrong to stop you peeing.” “Why? “Your underwears were not just wet, Cait. You were peeing in the pajamas, and if I chomped the ghost, you still would be sitting in a puddle in the hall thinking you should have made it. You already started to wet the bed. You were waking up, but you were really wet. You remember. You felt it.” “Yeah.” “Sometimes, the ghost isn’t wrong about you just peeing, it’s just it’s reasons haven’t been right yet.” “Yeah?” “Yeah,” Kookaberry frowned at Cait. “Just because Barbara Hayes doesn’t want you to play outside, doesn’t mean you ignore her when she tells you the teacher says recess is over. Remember?” “Hey!” Cait frowned, and she saw the girl standing there bold as day with her new watch telling Cait that she was going to get in trouble if she went with the fourth graders, that they come in later. Her blue eyes glancing at Cait’s shorts like she expected something, her yellow-blond hair shining in the sun, and her excitement over having a watch with Mickey Mouse on it because she could tell time. “You can’t play with those kids,” Barbara sneered at Cait. “They’re just kids!” “They’re fourth graders. They finish lunch later than us. You’ll be late.” “You’re not that smart,” Cait kicked sand at the prissy girl that told everyone in third grade what to do that year. “Yeah. Well, get yourself in trouble. See if I care!” Cait turned her back on her. Dad was furious! She came back to the present, standing by the stairs looking up to the balcony. “Get Uncle-Daddy, Cait. You’ll be in less trouble if he’s sleeping and you wake him than if you go outside, and he’s not out there.” “Fine” Cait shook her head. “I’ll get him.” Cait took a deep sigh, and she walked up the stairs back to the balcony, and she looked over at the closed door that meant the room was private right now. “I’m not scared,” she whispered to Kookaberry, her thumb in her mouth. “Is it wrong to knock?” “More wrong than to break a promise, either to Summerstone or to Uncle Sean? You promised Uncle Sean not to go outside by yourself until he knew you could understand the animals. Don’t you be member?” Cait took a keep breath, pulled her thumb out of her mouth and wiped it on her peed on pajamas bottoms, and then lifted it. “This is right, right?” Kookaberry didn’t answer. Cait's knuckles very very lightly tapped at the door. "Uncle-Daddy?" Her voice hurt from her trying so hard to keep it low, that it scratched somehow inside. “Daddy?” Her hands shook a little. The door opened, and Cait looked up at his wet hair, his hands already reaching for her shoulders, and his eyes resting on hers. His suspenders were already in place. He took a knee and rubbed her back, his hand gentle on her shoulder. “I peed the bed,” she whispered. “In my sleep, and then again, on purpose. I had to keep my promise to Summerstone.” Her eyes searched his. “I didn’t want to make a mess for Auntie, and the bed was already…,” Her voice fell silent. “Now,” Uncle-Daddy pulled her into his lap. “That’s as it should be for now. But we need to get you cleaned up.” He lifted Cait, and she felt him pull her into the air and settle his arm under her wet bottom. “Bath time.” Cait wiggled in his arm and got closer to his ear where she whispered. “What about Summerstone? I promised. I told him last night that he’s first.” “And he will be, Cait. But a horse knows when its person is hurting.” “What?” “You want to feed him in wet pajamas? You want him to smell that on you and think you're scared?" Cait looked down. "He'd know?" “He'd know,” Sean carefully set her on the tub side, and then he knelt next to her. "Let me tell you about a horse I had when I was about your age. Her name was Sunset." Cait's thumb slipped into her mouth. She blinked up at him for a moment or two, and then let her head fall one time. Just one short nod that said I’m listening. “She was four years old, and she was mine. There was a boy at school — Brian. He pushed me down every chance he got. Made my life miserable every single day.” Sean's voice went quiet. “Yeah, I know the kid like that. Her name is Barbara for me.” “Well, One afternoon, I was in her pen, telling her about him. I didn't know he'd followed me.” “Did Sunset? I bet she did!” “I don’t know, but he came up behind me and shoved me right into a fresh pile of manure." Cait's eyes went wide. “Yuck! Banure?” “That’s right, pet. Yuck. But then you know what Sunset did?” Uncle Sean smiled a little, a small little point of his lip twitched at the corner of his mouth. “What?” Cait was bouncing on her butt listening with all her might, excited for what Sunset might do!” “Well, that four year old pony wasn’t so small, and Sunset rose up on her hind legs and kicked her front hooves at him.” Cait covered her eyes. “Whoa!” “She didn't touch him,” Uncle Daddy laughed. “But he fell backward, and he pooped his pants right there in the pen." Cait looked serious, her thumb in her mouth, watching Uncle Sean for some kind of mouth, hand, or eye thing to say he was teasing. They stared at each other, Uncle Sean’s hand under her and her eyes not blinking… she suddenly asked, “That’s it?” Her high pitched squeal of laughter cut through the morning air. The sound surprised her. “Funny thing, that horse,” Sean pulled Cait into his lap as he knelt there. “She'd seen other kids push me down before, but she only did that to him!” “It was almost like she…,” Cait was breathless and magickified at the same time. “I'm convinced she knew,” Uncle Sean nodded at her quiet near question. “That boy made me miserable every single day, and she knew." Cait pulled her thumb out. "Did she ever really kick anyone?" "Never. Not once." "Then why did she do that to him?" “Because she loved me,” Sean said. “And she knew I was hurting. Horses know, Cait. They feel what you feel.” Cait looked down at her pee pee pajamas. “So Summerstone will know if I didn’t want to pee the bed?” “Aye, she does, Cait. If you go out to Summerstone right now, in those wet pajamas, with your heart all twisted up — he'll feel that. He'll think he did something wrong." Cait put her hands in her wet lap and felt the bad and gross things her Crop-Daddy said of the wet and icky pee on her legs. "I don't want him to think that." "Then let's get you clean and dry first. That's not breaking your promise. That's keeping it the right way." Cait nodded slowly. "Okay." Sean stood and held out his hand. She took it. He lifted her up and took her to the toilet and put her on the toilet, and then he started to take off her shirt. "What happened to Sunset?" Cait whispered putting her thumb in her mouth. Sean went quiet—not even continuing to unbutton her pajama shirt. His fingers just shook, and then they just freeze. They just sat there. A shaky quiet whimper broke the quiet when he continued. His voice was softer. "She was sold while I was at school. I came home and she was gone. But she wouldn't stay gone.” Sean unbuttoned two more buttons on the top. “The trailer lost its balance on the road. The door came open. She got out and tried to run back to me." Cait started to pull her arms through the open sleeves now as she asked about more. "Did she make it?" "No, pet,” Sean whispered a heavy earthen groan seemed to linger. “Her flank gave out not an hour up the road. She was too crippled. They had to shoot her." Cait stopped squirming to get her shirt off. She looked up at him. "She died trying to get back to you?" "That's what I believe. The police said it was the wind, or the road, or something else. But my dad and I always knew. She chose me. And she died trying to get back to me." Cait squeezed his hand. "I'm sorry, Uncle-Daddy." Sean squeezed back. "Don't be sorry, little one. She loved me. That's not something to be sorry about. It's something to carry." Cait’s shirt was finally off, and Uncle Sean breathed once or twice deeply as he turned back to the tub. Sean turned on the water and started filling the tub. "Summerstone is yours now," he said. "And he's going to love you the same way. But you have to let him. You have to show up clean and dry and happy. That's what he needs from you." Cait nodded. "I can do that." "I know you can." She reached up and hugged him. He hugged her back. “Uncle? Would they sell Summerstone on me?” Cait asked. “Not unless I had no other choice, like I was already losing the farm, pet. It hurts to have your own stuff taken away and sold on you, especially if that things is alive like Shadow and Summerstone.” “Not even if I pee my pants still, after you fix me at the doctor, or after I go back to my other family because of… stuff?” “Not even then, Cait. We are family. All of us. We don’t sell things on family, at least not at the Kinsella farm, we don’t.” “Do you think Daddy wants to think I stupid?” “I don’t honestly know what is going on with him, pet. But I know he has a lot of worries, and the drink, it don’t make him think none too good either. But sometimes, that’s the point. The drink, I mean. I helps you dull the thinking because it hurts sometimes.” “Maybe if I just tried harder not to pee….” “No, Cait. Don’t ever think like that. That’s what caused part of your problems. The doctor says you shouldn’t have held it half as long as you do, sometimes.” “But the others girls do, and they never peed their pants… acksepted for sometimes outside, sometimes Roisin.” “Cait, no. You told your big sisters right when we left the farm this last time. You told your Daddy right, too, that he needs to think if he wants wet daughters or a finished farm. They are too little to get all the way to the house from way out in the fields.” “Okay.” Sean started to soap up a cloth. “Let’s get you ready for Summerstone and for Church, okay?” Sean didn’t use the brush on her nails, he didn’t clean her nails at all. He didn’t spend too much time on her feet at all. He just got her clean. But Cait was okay with that. If she wanted to feel the extra—she didn’t know what it was, but if she wanted it, she could ask Auntie later. Sean lifted Cait out of the tub and wrapped her in a towel that was warm from the radiator. She hugged Kookaberry against the towel, and her thumb found her mouth. "Now," Sean said. "Let's get you dressed, pet. Summerstone's waiting." Cait nodded and let him carry her to the bedroom. The bed was stripped already — Auntie must have done it while they were in the bath. Fresh sheets were on the mattress, pulled tight. Cait looked at them and felt her chest squeeze. "Auntie fixed it," she whispered. "Auntie washed it," Sean said. "That's what we do with wet sheets. We wash them." He set her down by the wardrobe. "Pick your farm clothes, Cait. Something you can get dirty." Cait reached for the boy jeans and a plaid shirt. The thick boy underpants were already in her hand. She pulled them on herself, then the jeans, then the shirt. Sean buttoned the cuffs for her, and she tucked Kookaberry under her arm. "Ready?" "Ready." They walked down the stairs together, through the kitchen, and out the back door. The morning air was cool and smelled like hay and animals. Cait's boots crunched on the gravel path. She could hear the horses before she saw them — a soft whinny, then another. "There he is," Sean said. Summerstone stood close to his mother, his legs still a little wobbly, his ears twitching. When he saw Cait, he took a step toward the fence. "He knows me," Cait whispered. "He knows you're his person," Sean said. "Go on. Let him smell you." Cait held out her hand. Summerstone sniffed her fingers, then her wrist, then nudged her palm. His nose was soft and warm. "Hi, Summerstone," she breathed. "I'm clean now. I came back." The foal made a small sound, almost like a question. Cait giggled. "He's hungry," Sean said. "Let's get him and his mama fed." They filled the feed buckets together — Cait scooping, Sean lifting. The mother horse ate first, and Summerstone nursed beside her. Cait watched, her chin resting on the fence rail. "Can I stay here all day?" "You can stay a while," Sean said. "But the horses need to eat in peace. We've got other animals waiting on their breakfast, too. Want to help me feed them?" Cait looked at Summerstone one more time. "Okay. But I'm coming back after." "I'd expect nothing less." They walked toward the barn, and Cait looked back over her shoulder. Summerstone was still nursing, but his ears turned toward her as she went. "He knows I'm coming back," she said. "He does," Sean said. "And he'll be here when you do." They fed the chickens, the cows, the few goats they had, and finally Shadow. “Hey, Shadow,” Cait reached towards her. “You hungry?” Shadow crept close to Cait and laid on its back turning it’s stomach up at her. “That’s a dog’s way of saying please pet my tummy. It’s a special place, when any animal lets you pet their belly, Cait. Know why?” Cait looked up at Uncle and shrugged. “Why?” Uncle poured a scoop of food into the dog dish. “The stomach is almost always the weakest spot, the spot that if a predator gets to, will not only be certain death, but will be painful. Even larger predators in a fight, keep their stomachs hidden as much as they can in a fight.” “You know so much!” Cait looked up at Uncle Sean though her hand had some dog food in it that she was holding out to Shadow. “Cait! Get in here and wash your hands!” Auntie called. “I didn’t even go see Summerstone again, yet.” “You’ll get a chance in a bit, girl. You need your breakfast though, too. You fed your baby, now you eat!” Both of the adults laughed. After breakfast, they allowed Cait to go see Summerstone for a little, and then Sean carried her back into the house, her thumb in her mouth where she was taken back up to her room where Auntie helped her put on a nice purple dress. “I don’t like church,” Cait whispered around her thumb as Auntie was zipping up the back. “Why not?” Auntie turned her to face her, Auntie’s face a frown. “Oh, it’s not that I hate God or nothing like that. It’s just… church is hard.” “Tell Auntie what you mean, sweetheart.” She sat on the bed and pulled Cait in her lap. “What’s hard about church?” “You have to be really quiet and really still. And then you have to read even harder stuff than a regular book, and if you don’t read right, you get in trouble in Sunday school.” “Really?” Auntie frowned. “And then I pee my pants, and then that’s when I really hate it because… it’s worse than when I pee my pants at school.” Auntie rubbed her back. “You don’t gotta go to Sunday School if you are scared,” Auntie whispered to Cait. “And you can sit in Auntie or Uncle-Daddy’s lap the whole time if you want, sweetheart. Church is important. You have to go, but you don’t gotta face it alone, and we’ll support you the whole time, sweetheart.” “But…, if you hold me, I’ll pee on you. I always pee at church. I don’t know why.” “The doctor does, though, Cait. You’re not being bad. You’re just sick, and being nervous doesn’t help when you already feel scared about peeing. You just pee your pants, hon. No one is going to mind.” Cait looked up at her. She felt a tightness in her chest. Did Auntie just give her permission to pee her pants in church? That doesn’t make any sense. Or was she just saying it’s going to happen anyway, like Daddy does? But that’s not Auntie, either. Sean knocked at the door even though Auntie left it open. “Is everything okay?” “She’s scared, Sean. She says she always pees her pants at church, and that it’s more scary when it happens there than at school.” Sean frowned. “Well, now, that’s just not right. You know what, Cait? I bet you were never allowed to take something with you before to help you feel less scared, were you?” Cait looked down. No. That’s dumb. Daddy says she’s not a baby even if she acts it. She shivered. Then she looked up, a hot wateriness in her eyes, and she whispered. “I’m not a baby.” The adults looked at one another. Auntie patted Cait’s lap and Uncle-Daddy frowned but he wasn’t looking at Cait or Auntie. He turned to look out the window, and his fists tightened at his side. Cait had never seen his fists get so tight. He muttered something. “...me the str-th not to ber fas winess…” was among the things Cait though she heard in his mutterings out the window. He turned and squatted down. “You look at me, child,” he held Cait’s arms, not in an angry way, but it was still tight, like he wanted something from her. “You are NOT a baby. That’s right. But kids cannot sit still through church where they barely understand everything said. You don’t need to look at Kookaberry as a baby’s toy. He’s not, Cait. He’s your comfort object. Your Daddy, does he leave his cigarettes at home when he goes to church?” Cait frowned. “Those grown up things.” “They are his comfort-vice, child. They are no more big nor small than your cuddly Kookaberry, only Kookaberry is a better thing to bring to church.” “Why?” “Because Kookaberry doesn’t bother anyone. You don’t throw it around and bother other people with him, do you?” “No.” “Well, the smoke from the cigarette, even if people are too nice to say it to his face, does bother other people. So, your comfort thing is a lot less troublesome than your Daddy’s. You just think about that if you get nervous. And if you pee your pants, you hold Kookaberry tight and whisper to him, and you come and get in my lap, child.” “I wet your lap? At… at church?” “Church is no different than anywhere else, child. God… Jesus told the people to let the children come to him, and he would have put you in his lap even while you are pooping your pants, if he thought you needed a hug. He doesn’t shame a child for being a child, especially when a child is trying really hard, and is sick.” “Okay.” “No Sunday School for her?” Auntie asked. “How about we let her decide that after she sees how the main meeting goes? No decisions until it’s upon her, and then we support her. We even leave right after the main meeting if we need to.” “Sean! You’ve never left mid-service before,” Auntie said though there was a twitch in the corners of her mouth. “God understands, though. You don’t force a child. You support a child and you let her feel the love, not the pressure of doing what man says is right.” “Of course, you’re right, Sean,” Auntie pulled me in a hug and whispered in my ear, the air ticking the tops of my ears. “You hear, that, Cait? If you don’t want to stay after the main meeting, you tell Uncle-Daddy and we go home, no shame.” I shivered in her arms. Was that really okay? Chapter 55 The Parking Lot Before In the car, Cait sat with her hands in her lap and she looked around outside. Kookaberry was pinned to her dress with his leash, so she wouldn’t lose him, and her hands held his lap like Uncle Daddy and Auntie had been doing since the whole week, especially at the doctors. “It is your first time at church?” Cait asked Kookaberry. “I don’t remember,” Kookaberry whispered back. “I think I might pee my pants, too.” “That’s okay. If you do, I’ll hold you.” “They never had a reason to take you to church when after the boy, right?” Cait hugged Kookaberry tighter. “Yeah. The boy didn’t need me as much when just before it happened. He still slept with me sometimes, but he spent less time just before it happened.” “I’m sorry,” Cait frowned. “But I guess kids at my school still call me a baby. I need baby things.” “So…. I’m a baby thing?” “No. Uncle Daddy says you not. He says you like Daddy’s cigarettes for him. You’re just what I need now. That you are not a baby toy.” “Good,” Kookaberry whispered. “I don’t want to be a baby toy. I want to be a Cait toy.” “Don’t worry. You are. But not eber-y-bo’y can understand it.” “They don’t have to, if you still love me.” Cait hugged the bear tightly. The car pulled into the church parking lot. Cait squeezed her legs out of the coming doom of being in a soaking wet dress though she felt no need to go potty right then. She looked out the windows of the car while Uncle Daddy looked for a parking spot. She saw people moving slowly and like a wide ocean or something, into a smaller and smaller slow stream into the church doors. “Boo!” Someone suddenly hit the glass next to her after the car was parked. A certain girl with yellow shiny hair and blue eyes bounced up and down on her toes looking in the glass. Cait struggled to get her seatbelt off. Her best friend was outside the door the one that held her leg even when she had fully pooped her pants last week and she said that Cait was her friend. No one ever held her like that before… except for Uncle Daddy and Auntie. “Slow down, Cait-a-kins,” Sean turned and helped her get the belt off. “Careful opening the door or you’ll hurt your friend.” Cait climbed out of the car. “You bringing your Kookaberry in?” Ruth asked. “I’m not allowed?” “Um…, I’ve never seen anyone bring a toy in after the age of like maybe six,” Ruth frowned. I don’t know. Let’s ask my mom.” “Um… I can leave Kookaberry,” I said feeling my voice get shaky. “No,” Uncle Sean heard us and put a hand on my shoulder. “Each family has their own rules based on what their kids need, Cait. You worry about yourself and what you need, not what Ruth or other kids need. Kookaberry stays with you today.” “Okay.” Ruth looked up at him. “She’s not a baby.” “No, Ruth, she isn’t. But church scares her.” “Why?” “Let’s just say… maybe she hasn’t had the right experiences before. Maybe you can help her with that?” “Yeah. Kookaberry stays,” Ruth pushed Kookaberry back into Cait’s arms. “You’re a big kid. You just… need different thing than someone else. Everyone needs things. My brother needs gum in church even though we not supposed to, Daddy says he can have one piece in the big meeting because he doesn’t talk there, but then he gets rid of it before Sunday school. It’s like a com-po-mise.” Cait frowned. “Yeah. I heard that rule. No food, no drinks, no gum…. The house of God not for eating, but just for learning.” “But some other big kids need to drink something. I seen it,” Ruth said. “Mama says mind my own. It’s their own troubles, and we don’t know what happening, so don’t mind it. And that’s the same your Kookaberry. You need it. No one can mind it, that you need Kookaberry.” “Okay.” Ruth took Cait’s hand and they walked closer to her family. “Look, Billy! You need gum and Cait needs Kookiberry. See? You not weird at all.” Billy smiled and hugged his little sister. “Sometimes, you are hard to hate, Ruth.” Chapter 56 What Is Different In This Church Sean and Eiboline led Cait towards the doors, Ruth not far away, talking to her parents and pointing insistently at Cait. A man would shake Sean’s hand on his way in. A woman would speak briefly with Eiboline. It was very much the same as at the other church with Mommy and Daddy. Everyone sort of ignoring Cait, except Cait still saw Ruth… and her brother, too, looking at her. They got inside the church, and a man looked down at Cait holding her Kookaberry close and her thumb in her mouth. She squirmed a little. “Who’s this?” he asked Sean. “She’s staying with us for a while. Her parents are having some trouble, and they asked us to mind her for a while.” “Well, Cait, my name is Jim Harris. My family is already seated, but I have a son about your age.” Cait smiled up at him. “Sean,” another hand touched his shoulder. “Can I ask you to pray for the opening services today?” “Pastor Patterson. Of course. And while we are at it, I’d like to ask a favor from you?” The pastor looked down at Cait. “As you like. What is your favor?” “Well, Cait has some issues. I’d like her to know that God understands her. Can we get a blessing after church? Not just Cait, but I need one. I’ve been struggling with issues because I’m worried about her, too. I’ll explain away from unneeded ears.” “Sure. Shall I find you after church then?” “If Cait is up to it. I promised her we can leave early if she gets too overwhelmed. Church isn’t her favorite place. She’s… she has difficulties, like I said.” Pastor Patterson nodded and looked down at Cait. “Well, you can leave when you want, child, but I hope that in time, until your Uncle is done minding you, that you might start to consider this place your Church, too. Jesus welcomes everyone, especially children.” Cait clutched Kookaberry tighter. “Okay.” Sean's hand stays on Cait's shoulder as they walk toward the pews. Here and there, chatter before church was not unlike at her old church. One kid scored a goal, a proud father says, or someone has family from out of state coming to visit. It’s Sunday as usual. Ruth ran up on Cait and took her hand. Cait! My mom says you can sit us. Please? Billy’s saving us seat!” She was tugging at Cait’s arm. When Cait looked up at Aunt Eiboline, who glanced at Sean, they both smiled and nodded. “We’ll be along in a minute. Go with your friend, sweetheart.” Ruth smiled and pulled at Cait. They walked to the middle of the seats, and then sat down, Billy there, now moving things from the seat. His suit coat, he put back on. His bag, he moved to the floor. A bit of gum could be seen between his teeth as he spoke. "Hey." Cait looked down shyly. “Hi.” Her voice quivered and was barely a whisper. Ruth scooting in next to Billy, touched the seat beside her glancing up to Cait. Cait sat with Kookaberry in her lap. “I pee my pants at church,” she whispered to Ruth. “Well, if you don’t want to do it, even if you think you are starting to pee, you can ask me to take you,” Billy told her. “I took my little sister into the girls’ room before. Other kids tease me about it, but I don’t care. That’s my sister, and you are her friend, so I see nothing wrong with it. I’m not watching you or anyone else pee. They have inside doors for the toilet.” Cait frowned and looked down. “I just do it though… before I know I’m doing it.” “Then tell me anyway. I’ll get you to Mr. Kinsella where you can feel safe.” “Okay.” Cait felt people moving behind her, and then saw in the row behind, Bill and Ruth’s parents were there and so were Auntie and Uncle-Daddy. She was safe. A woman with red hair in a bun, a green dress, and that smelled like cotton candy? Walked over and met with Eiboline. “It’s nice to see you,” the woman whispered to Eiboline. “The Henderson’s daughter, Ruth, says that you have a girl that might be in our Sunday school class.” “I’ll be in Sunday School with Ruthie?” Cait whispered around her thumb clutching Kookaberry tightly. “I… I don’t know.” “Well, we are going to leave that up to Cait when time for Sunday school comes. We’ll give her three choices… to join Ruth, to stay with us in ours, or to just go home early. Church makes her really nervous, you see.” “Well, that’s understandable,” Mrs. Johnson whispered. “But we’ll be really happy if you do get the courage to join Ruth, Cait. It’s not wrong if you can’t come today. You can try another day if you want.” Cait’s grip on Kookaberry loosened, and her thumb fell so only the tip was on her bottom lip. “Can I bring Kookaberry? Can I have my thumb, wherever it wants to go?” “We don’t pay attention to thumbs in Sunday School,” Mrs. Johnson smiled. And I had a friend just like Kookaberry until I was twelve. He went everywhere with me, and especially to church. He was a bit naughty though and bounced a bit too much, but my mother never made me leave him at home. He was a rabbit named Flopsy.” “Flopsy? That’s a good name for a rabbit,” Cait whispered. “Well, I know Flopsy loved her name,” Mrs. Johnson nodded. “But there will be a small rule for Kookaberry. When you are talking, he has to be quiet, and when other classmates are talking, he has to listen. And of course, unless it’s really important, then he should listen to the message of the day.” “Oh, he will. I promise,” Cait frowned. “But only if we go. I don’t know yet. I might pee and get scared.” “Why would that scare you, sweetheart?” “It just does.” “Well, if you get scared, you can whisper to Ruth. She’ll let me know if you need the girls’ room or something.” “Yeah, okay.” Chapter 57 Gonna wet my pants! It won’t come out! Gonna do it! The pastor was soon at the pulpit, and he looked around at all the wonderful people there. Cait saw moms with arms around sons and dads holding daughters in their laps. She saw two preschoolers on the floor with plastic trucks, Mom on one said and Dad on the other side of them, blocking them from disturbing others to the left and right, but still letting them play as long as they were quiet. She saw the comfortable lights, and the pastor looked out at the congregation. “Brothers and sisters, we have a blessing today. Two new births in the congregation and the mothers are in the hospital today with their babies, but they are expected to go home tomorrow. We have friends and relatives vising from out of town, too. First, the Sullaviches are back in town….” “Not them,” Billy said. “Billy!” his mother whispered up towards him. “Not nice.” “I’m sor—ree!” he looked at his mother. “But if they cause Ruth to so much as pee a little bit in her panties today, I….” “What do you mean, make her pee her panties?” Billy frowned. “Nevermind. It’s not done in a way I can prove it. It’s just… they scare her, mom.” “Well, I can take her to the bathroom, today, Billy!” “Mom! That’s exactly why she’s pee her pants! You just don’t get it!” Mrs. Henderson frowned. “Are you saying she say something or does something if I take Ruth to the toilet?” “Mom…,” Billy frowned. “Ruth is in fourth grade now. Of course they do. They’d been calling her a mama’s baby since second grade about it. Now… Ruth told me she would rather pee her pants than you take her before we left home.” Mr. Henderson leaned up to Ruth. “Is that true, hon?” Ruth frowned and nodded. “I don’t want to go in there alone because I don’t know what they’ll do, and if mom takes me this year, the Su-uh-itches will make the whole fourth, fifth, and sixth graders call me a baby!” “I’ll try to go with you,” Cait said. “I’ll probably even be wet, so they can tell everyone that….” “No,” Billy frowned. “Ruth, I told you. The bathrooms in the girls’ toilets have doors in front of the toilets, right? So, if you need to go, I’ll take you. Mom isn’t taking you, and when you come out, if I see a Su-um-itch, I’ll tell you that you always forget to wash your hands, and you can argue with me, and they’ll think I was just being a big brother over a normal thing.” “But you gotta go in the girl’s bathroom to do it.” “So? I went in the girls’ bathroom before when you were in third grade. No one cares. I’m not doing nothing. Just making sure you wash your hands because mom’s busy and you didn’t ask her to come with you, and I saw you go in the bathroom, and I am telling you to wash your hands… right?” “Billy, I don’t know about you taking your sister….” “Dad, my mind’s made up. She’s not going to the toilet with mom. I’m not having the whole Sunday school class laughing at my sister because she needs her mommy to take her, but I’m not letting the Su-um-itches get her alone either. I don’t trust ‘em.” Cait frowned. Billy was willing to take his sister into the girls’ room. Ruth had a brother that Cait was sure… Daddy would have floored for even suggesting that to him, but she was glad that Ruth’s parents were looking at one another and listening to the kids, like it mattered. Suddenly, before it could be resolved, the Pastor had said “And staying with the Kinsellas for a while, is their little cousin, Cait, from Missouri. Let’s welcome our new members, temporary or long term today, and help us all feel the spirit of God.” The organ lady started playing, and Billy handed a book towards Cait and then brought his book over closer to share with his sister. “I don’t need a book,” Cait whispered. “I feel the song when I sing. The notes and stuff, the reading; it just gets in the way.” Billy shrugged and took a book to himself, but Ruth still stood close enough that if Cait wanted, she could get closer and see. But she refused to look at the book even though she about half a word behind everyone else. She didn’t care. Cait did care, though. She side-glanced at Ruth to make sure Ruth wasn’t feeling embarrassed standing next to her, and she kept glancing back to make sure Uncle Sean and Auntie-grandma weren’t mad that she was actually singing, because she knew she was half a word behind everyone. She called it a half a word. She needed them to start the word sometimes to know what came next sometimes. Everyone just sang as if Cait was following along fine. Then she saw Ruth sat, so she carefully climbed up in the seat, put her hands in her lap around Kookaberry, and she watched the man get up at the pulpit. It wasn’t even the Pastor. Why wasn’t the Pastor speaking? “My dear brothers and sisters,” the man said his voice soft and quiet, like he was trying to sound more… not loud in God’s church even though the po-poss of the Micke is to make everyone hear you. “I was asked today to speak about Compassion….” Cait looked at Billy. “Do you know what Kopasson is?” “Yeah. It just means kindness, but it means a kindness that you don’t get paid for. You don’t get nothing for it, but you do something anyway because it makes someone do good,” Billy whispered. “Fanks.” Cait looked back at the adults, but they were listening. Sean didn’t even threaten to tap her head. He winked at her, even. Ruth was drawing on a paper pad with crayons. Billy was writing on a paper pad with a pencil. “Do you need paper?” Billy asked. “Why?” “For church notes.” “Oh, I be member stuff up in my head,” Cait shifted her shoulders up and looked at at the Ceiling as if expecting God to reach down and finger-nail flick her head for lying, and for it to really hurt. Nothing happened. “What’s Summer-tan?” Cait asked. She knew what summer was and tan was, and a summer tan would have made sense, but the way the speaker was talking, that didn’t sound right. “The Sumeritans and the Jews used to not like each other,” Billy said. “That’s why the Good Sumeritan is one of Jesus’s best examples of what we should do. Someone hated the Jews as a people, but still helped the man that almost died.” “I thought the Jews were the good guys in the Bible!” Cait frowned. “Well…,” Billy frowned. “I don’t know if they were really all that good. I mean, they tried. I think the Bible actually says it like they are just people, that God chose. They don’t have a special ability to be good. They don’t always do the right things. But God just said… you are my people, and then there is a lot written on them.” “Didn’t Adam start the Jews?” Cait whispered. “No? But yes.” Billy frowned. “Look, can we talk later. I have to take notes.” “Sorry,” Cait straightened up. She did it again. She messed up. She should have known better than to talk. Even Billy told her to stop talking! Cait looked back at the entrance to the worship hall. There was an unreadable round disc above the door, with numbers one to twelve, and the two standard hands that confuse her daily. She can name the numbers, and she can understand when it will be O’clock and -thirty. She just counts differently. It’s about 10-5 now. She looked back and the speaker was changing to a woman. “My dear brothers and sisters,” she said in the same quietness as the man before. “Let me tell you a story about a neighbor teenager to start this off, because that teenager, though he doesn’t go to church here, and may not go to one at all, he has the heart of Jesus’s the Woman by the Well….” Cait frowned. Did she ever hear about the woman by the well? Her legs started to bounce a little. Her hands were clutching at Kookaberry. She looked back around at Uncle Sean who smiled at her, but then looked up at the podium. Cait’s knees bounces and she held them a little closer together. “Ruth,” Billy’s voice suddenly whispered sharply at his sister maybe for the third time by as annoyed as he was. “What?” “Get up. You’re going to the bathroom, with your friend.” “I don’t have to….” Billy nodded at Cait’s hands turning white on her legs, her knees bouncing, and her breath sucking through her teeth. “Yes you do!” Ruth looked and she frowned. “You’re right. I’m about to pee my pants. Cait, come to the bathroom with me. I’m scared.” Cait looked over at them, and then down at her knees bouncing. “You don’t want me. I’ll pee in front of everyone and make you….” “Cait! Please!” Ruth looked up at her. “Billy says I have to go, and I don’t want to go with just him bossing me around. Please come with us so he doesn’t boss me?” Cait scratched her head. She thought he was the best big brother ever. They even had a plan if the su-um-itches were in the bathroom. Why does she want Cait with her. “Okay, only I might pee my pants.” “So?” Ruth put her hands in her crotch and squirmed. “Okay. Let’s go. Don’t yell at your sister,” Cait told Billy. “Billy do that?” Cait thought she heard Auntie ask, but they were already headed out the door before she heard the answer. The walked into the bathroom, and then Ruth opened the doors one by one by pushing so make sure they were all empty. “Go to the toilet, Cait,” Ruth whispered. “I’m going too, but only after you go in one. Go.” Cait’s face heated up. “It’s not that easy.” “Well, go anyway,” Billy said. “Take your time.” Billy stood between the two toilet stalls of the three that his sister and their friend was in. He crossed his arms, and he waited facing the sinks and the large mirror that covered nearly the entire wall. He sat a pair of eyes peek in and a soft voice ask. “Is this the girls’ room?” “I’m guarding it,” Cait heard the girl that was definitely younger and Billy. “I won’t let no one do anything bad to you. That toilet stall is free. You can close the door. No one is watching you.” The door next to Cait banged closed and she heard shifting of a lock and then it was quiet. It was too quiet. Ruth was on the other side of her. She should have made it easier, knowing her friend was there to help, but she couldn’t get her clampers in front to unclamp. Billy was outside the front, and as he said, he was the guardian. He wouldn’t let anything bad come and do anything. But he was a boy. Cait’s face heated up. He was a boy, watching the stall door for her like… she wasn’t sure what like. But he was outside. Suddenly, her pee pee didn’t even feel like it was pee pee anymore. It was fully quiet. “You’re gonna pee your pants… you’re gonna pee your pants… you’re gonna….” was all Cait heard like a first grader taunting her that it was going to happen, and she knew she couldn’t shut the ghost up, or force it out. It was just too quiet. No pee even tickled at the inside of her stomach. She just couldn’t go. Cait heard the toilets next to her, both Ruth and the other little kid had already gone, and she was just sitting there, failing again, and she was probably going to get the boy in trouble if she stayed there much longer, or maybe Ruth. She couldn’t do that. As soon as she thought she needed to get up, a little bit of a squirt hit the toilet. “Cait’s taking a bit.” “Maybe she’s pooping,” Billy told his little sister. “It takes a minute if you’re pooping. Just wash your hands.” “I am.” “I know you are because I told you to, and I’ll wash them for you if you don’t get ‘em clean.” “You don’t gotta do that. You know it.” Cait shifted her legs and tried to push again. A little squirt like that wasn’t going to do anything. She had to pee in the toilet. She felt her face scrunch up. She heard this kind of strange head noise from trying to force herself. She couldn’t describe it. It was just this… like stillness thing your head does when you are using all your might to push. But nothing came out. She started to shift her legs to get up. She squirted again. She was trapped. When she tried, it acted dry. When she went to get up, she squirted. What could she do? She’s gonna get her friends in trouble if they stay in there much longer. “Why don’t you just pee your pants?” Kookaberry asked. “You know Uncle-Daddy won’t mind. You know Ruth won’t mind. You know that Billy knows you went into the toilet. If you don’t finish, he’ll understand. He’ll know you’re scared. That’s why they brought you. You’re scared.” “Because she’s a baby,” the ghost countered. Chomp! “Ruth says you are not a baby. She knows you’re having trouble, and you didn’t even ask for Auntie’s hand to take you. You tried. You just can’t stop the owie from getting in the way. You’re sick.” Kookaberry’s head was against Cait’s heart, where the leash was shortened to make it be there. “Billy doesn’t know I’m sick,” Cait whispered to Kookaberry. Billy knocked on the stall. “Cait? If you’re sick, I’ll just send Ruth to get your Aunt and Uncle.” “You heard me whispering to Kookaberry?” Cait’s voice cut up so much that it took several breaths to get the question out. “Yeah, I heard you talking. Shall I send Ruth?” “No. It’s not that kind of sick. I… I can’t pee, Billy.” “Well, that’s okay. If you are sure you can’t pee right now, we can try later, okay? I don’t mind taking you again, Cait. I took Ruth. You took Ruth, too, so she’s going be more than happy to take you when you really know you gotta go.” Cait’s face got hot. “Um…. You… you’re okay taking Miss Pee Pants to the bathroom?” “No…,” Billy pushed the door open and saw Cait sitting there, her boy panties staring up at him. “I’m not okay taking Miss Pee Pants. I don’t know no Miss Pee Pants, Cait.” Cait looked up at him, trying to cover herself with her hands. “I know a Cait Kinsella.” “Weimer.” “What?” “My last name. It’s Weimer, not Kinsella.” “Whatever. I know a Cait. Cait is a beautiful little girl that makes my sister happy. Miss Pee Pants, I’ve never met her. Now, Cait sometimes pees her pants, but that doesn’t make her a Miss Pee Pants, and if you or anyone else makes fun of my sister’s best friend again, I’ll… I’ll tell on you. I don’t think your uncle wants you to talk like that.” Cait frowned up at him. “But… It’s….” “Don’t say it’s true, or else.” Cait looked down. “Now, if you pee your pants, it’s okay. You just tell Ruth or you tell your big friend, Billy… me… and we find your Uncle to help you. But don’t you dare call our beautiful little friend names. Got it, Missy?” Cait looked up at his face. It was all serious, except the corners of his mouth. They twitched like he wanted to smile. Ruth rushed in and helped Cait to her feet and started to pull her pants up. She felt Cait’s undies. “Ruth,” Billy frowned. “That’s not your concern. Pull her pants up. I know you just want her to be happy, but if you check her, she’s older than you. She’ll get scared and feel like she did something wrong. Let her be wet, if her underpants are wet.” “Oh, I didn’t mean….” “I know. You were going to ask if she should get some clean ones, but we’ll let Cait decide if she needs clean underpants. We don’t check her. She’s our friend. You are my little sister. I check you if I think you peed, but we don’t check Cait… especially because Cait is older than you.” “Okay.” Billy put an arm around his little sister. “You didn’t know. It’s okay. But bigger girls get shamed when younger girls who are supposed to be their friends seem to check to see if they went potty in their pants. Instead of checking, just ask her if she needs her big people. That’s the right way. If she says no, then forget what you saw, even if you think her panties were wet.” Cait heard him. He called her underwears panties. He didn’t say to Ruth that they were something they weren’t supposed to be. He called them panties. She pulled her skirt up and she looked up at him, her face burning. “Thank you.” “For what?” Billy asked confused. “For… for not making fun of my panties?” “Why would I do that, Cait? Their just clothes. And if… I said it and I meant it. I didn’t look. If… if you peed, it’s okay. Your Uncle or Aunt can take care of it. It’s not my place to check you or to say anything if I did accidentally look. But right now, I was looking at your eyes with tears in them. You are scared, Cait. That’s why you not peeing, and that’s okay. I don’t mind trying to take later, and in the mean time… if you wet your pants, just tell me so I can help you get to your big people, okay?” “Okay.” Chapter 58 Isolation; How It Feels Cait walked with Ruth taking her hand back down the aisle of seats to the left and right on the right walkway. She clenched her hands all the way down knowing she still had to pee, but knowing that at the moment, it wouldn’t go in the toilet. She was looking at the red-wine walkway on the floor. Her eyes tried to avoid the people to the left and right. “They all know you went into the hall out there, and the only reason to do that…,” the ghost didn’t have to finish the thought. It was true. There is no way anyone wouldn’t know why she left the seat, and a boy was holding her hand. Not like Uncle Sean or Daddy, no, a boy was holding her hand, but he was nice, and her heart tightened. If she needed leave her seat to use the bathroom, would they think she was talking to him? But what would they even say together? What are people thinking? At church. “Cait,” Kookaberry whispered. “What do you think people would think the boy was saying to you. Uncle Sean, you know what he’d tell nosy people, right?” Cait’s face burned. “Not everyone is like Uncle Sean,” the ghost whispered. “Maybe the boy told you to pee on purpose… in your pants… so he could… maybe….” “Maybe do what?” Kookaberry frowned at the ghost. Cait stood at the side of the seats that slid into Uncle and she looked up at Billy and then over at Ruth. “If you need your uncle,” Billy whispered. “Ruth will understand. You’re having a hard time. Ruthie knows you didn’t pee, Cait.” Cait shook her head. “Can… can I wet my pants if I sit by you?” she asked the others. “I mean, it’s okay if it comes out,” Billy whispered. “No one is going to bite if you pee, and I won’t mind if you wet your pants.” Ruth rubbed her back. “You’re my friend. If you can’t help it cause you scared, then you do whatever happened. Big brother will keep you safe.” “I… I get people wet,” Cait whispered. Billy took her arm and gently pushed one more step to the seats they were in, and he held her hand down the row past the other people on the end, two of them, and where they were sitting. The brother and sister now put Cait between them. “Did you pee in the toilet?” Billy asked his sister. Ruth blushed. “Why are asking me?” “Because, sis. I just want to know if you are both scared, or if only one of you is this nervous.” “I went in the toilet. I promise, okay?” “Okay, sis. Then we need to watch for Cait. If she looks like she starts, we try to take her before it spreads all over her dress and makes her embarrassed, okay?” “Okay.” Billy rubbed his thumb on her hand, on the back. “Cait, even if you are scared, and you feel yourself peeing, just do what I tell you, okay? Not because you have to, but because you don’t want anyone to see you peeing, okay?” “Okay. You can hide it?” “I’ll sure try, if you do what I tell you. I can’t if you don’t let me try, and if you feel it going, you whisper to me, Cait.” “I… I’ll…,” Cait looked down. “She’s too scared to say she’s peeing her pants,” Ruth whispered. “Well, I guess I would be too. So you and I watch her like a jelly on peanut butter,” Billy told his sister. If you see some pee between her legs or on her butt, you let me know, okay?” Billy leaned down to Cait, and he whispered. “Don’t think you’re the only one that’s ever peed out of nerves, Cait. Ruthie peed last year in class when they had a test that she knew was really big. She didn’t raise her hand even because she was sure the teacher would say no.” Ruth’s face got red. “Yeah. And Billy did it like two years ago, when the teacher was counting heads for a fire or something, right?” Billy nodded. “We’re not telling just anyone on each other. We’re letting you understand, if you get scared and pee your pants, that’s just being human, Cait. You don’t have to hide it from Ruthie or me.” Cait looked up at him. Her eyes hurt and she rubbed them. She started to put her thumb at the corner of her mouth, but she moved her hand back down when she realized what she was doing, Only Billy caught her elbow. “You’re scared, right?” He whispered. Cait felt tears in her eyes. “Everyone thinks I went to the bathroom. They’re gonna laugh when I pee.” “Not near us, they won’t,” Billy whispered to her. He pushed her elbow until her thumb was near her mouth again. “No one around us is going to say anything about our friend, or make you feel bad. If you are scared of our church, that’s because she should do something.” “I don’t know what you can do,” Cait whispered. “All churches are scary. You not supposed to talk in the meeting.” “Well…, we’re talking, aren’t we? And no one cares as long as we whisper. They just see three kids that don’t know no better, and I prefer them to think I don’t know no better than see my sister or my sister’s best friend feel abandoned when you’re scared.” “What means a-band-on?” “It means, being alone. And I won’t leave you to feel alone, Cait. Ruthie, too. We both want you to know you are our friend, and Jesus wants you to know, he’s your friend.” “How you know what Jesus wants?” Cait leaned against Billy with her thumb in her mouth. “Because….” He seemed to think on it before he suddenly kissed her cheek. “Because he said let the children come to me. And He holds little kids.” “You never seen it.” “It’s in the Bible.” Cait looked down. Not in Daddy-Dan’s version. In Daddy-Dan’s version…: “Cait! You pissed your pants again? At church? Jesus is very mad at you.” “I didn’t mean it.” “You never mean it, and yet, here you are. He’d grab my belt himself, if he were present. You know that, right?” Cait felt her eyes tearing up. Billy pulled her into his lap. “It’s okay, little sister.” Cait felt a little pre-pee. “What would Daddy say if he knew a boy was holding you in his lap?” the ghost asked. “Daddy’s not here,” Kookaberry whispered. “Uncle Sean knows. He’s right behind you, and he’s letting it happen. That means it’s okay.” “Uncle Sean doesn’t use a belt.” “Uncle Sean also tells her big sisters that the work they doing is too big for little girls, and that so called Daddy can’t stop Uncle Sean from letting the girls make a game of the work, can he?” The ghost froze. “This is a new church, Cait. It’s not Daddy Dan’s church. It’s new rules, where you are allowed to put your thumb in your mouth, and let a boy you like hold you.” Cait slowly closed her eyes. A gentle peace settled in her legs and her arms. Billy was still rubbing her hand with his thumb. Ruth scooted closer, leaned her head on Billy and put her thumb in her mouth, too, and she relaxed. Cait felt her head against her back, because Billy had Cait turned sideways in the seat and he was whispering. “You are so loved, Cait. Jesus loves you, your uncle and aunt love you, Ruthie loves you….” The ghost whispered. “Billy loves you.” Cait didn’t take the bait. Besides, if Billy did, why was that wrong? Cait rested, a hand slipped out of Billy’s holding on and reached around behind her to find Ruth’s lap. “I love you, Ruthie,” Cait whispered. “I love you, too,” Ruthie whispered. “And Big brother won’t say it cause it’s not cool for a boy to sort of like a girl, but… he doesn’t hate you, too.” Cait whispered. “I know. He feels safe.” More pre-pee went in her underwears. “I don’t want to get you two in trouble. I’ll just wait until Sunday School to try again. I think my body will wait. I have to wait like this at school all the time. No can take you to the bathroom at school.” Billy rubbed her back. “Okay, but if I feel you leaking, we go when I tell you.” “Okay,” Cait whispered back. Cait looked up at his face, as he held her, and she smiled. He was still holding her. He kept glancing at her, probably checking on her like in the bathroom, to make sure she wasn’t crying. That would tell him she was peeing, if she was crying, only, Cait didn’t think he was just looking for crying or even for pee. There was something else. He kept her there, and when they looked at each other, they smiled. There wasn’t the concern look like are you ready to pee. It was always happy, like I got you, and you can stay. It felt good to get to stay. Some more wet released into the underwears, this time, a longer stream. Cait had to go. “Billy? I’m gonna pee my pants,” Cait whispered around her thumb. “Do you mean you want to right here, or you are scared it’s coming out?” “I… I think’s going to come out.” Billy nodded. “Ruth, stay here. Watch the clock. After ten minutes come and get us if we aren’t back. That will give her body time to try to go away from other people.” Ruth nodded. “Okay. But make sure she walks with her legs partly apart.” “Why?” “So if she wets a little pit, it goes on the floor and doesn’t wet her dress.” “Oh,” Billy’s face got red. “I mean. Yeah. I… okay.” Billy saw Cait holding her side. “Come on, Cait. Just get to the hall. You can pee your pants out there. Not here. Not with the Su-um-itches over there looking. Let’s at least do it where they don’t see it, okay?” Cait nodded and let Billy hold her. “Ruth made sense, Cait. Try to walk with your legs further apart.” “That will make me pee,” Cait whispered. “Better directly to the floor than on your dress where people will see. No one will know you peed on the floor if your dress isn’t wet.” “You don’t care if I’m peeing?” “Oh, I care. I care that you’re sad and scared, but if they see it, you’ll be more sad and scared. I’d rather you pee more on the floor and no one knows you did it, than for it to get on your dress and you get scared and made fun of by mean people that don’t get it.” “Okay.” Cait tried to walk a little more far-foot apart, but it started to let her panties get more and more wet. They got into the bathroom. “Are you okay, Cait?” “Yeah.” “Okay, It’s okay. Nothing shows.” “What do you mean?” “Just go in the toilet before you pee your pants, little sis. I’ll tell you after, okay?” “Okay.” She felt more pee drizzle into her underwears, but Billy was holding the door open and nodding at the toilet like he didn’t see if she was leaking or not. Cait got on the toilet, and she looked down at her underwears. They definitely wet on the floor. Billy’s lying. She did pee somewhere, and he saw it. “Shut up, ghost,” Kookiberry whispered. “He wouldn’t lie to her, not without a reason. He is trying to help.” “Her underwears are wet.” “Yes, but that doesn’t mean he saw her do it, or where it went on the floor,” Kookaberry told the ghost. “He said that he’ll tell her after. He knows.” Cait tried to push past the noise in her head, pressed down against the head-static, was the only thing she could think to call it. The head-static was this weird high pitched down between her ears. It got stronger the more she tried to block out the ghost and Kookaberry and trying to make her body pee. It clamped down again. Cait started to cry. “I’m tell my sister you’re in the girls’ bathroom again,” a little kid’s voice cut through the air while Cait shivered. “You do that, and you tell her I’ll watch the bathroom as long as my sister is going, because that devil doesn’t get to make her wet her pants!” After she left, he opened the stall door and he saw Cait crying. “You’re undies wet?” he asked. Cait nodded, her eyes so full of water, she couldn’t really see him. He felt her heart as though it had ice water dumped on it. Now this boy that had been trying to help her all this time, knew she peed her panties. “Hey,” Billy whispered. “It’s okay. Stand up and fix your dress. Let’s see how bad, okay?” Cait still had to pee, but it wouldn’t get out. “I’m still gonna pee.” “You want me to leave a moment and let you try again?” Cait could just make out his face through the blurry tears. “No. Stay. I need help. My panties are wet.” “I should probably get your Auntie.” “She won’t be mad, but getting her means other kids will know I peed. Don’t?” “Okay. What do I do?” “Just stay in the bathroom and tell me to wash my hands when I come out, like you do Ruth, in case someone comes in? Be my big brother?” “Okay. But as your big brother, I need to shut the stall and let you fix your clothes, okay? Don’t be scared about the pee on the floor. No one really knows you did it.” “Okay.” Billy walked her back to the seats and he let her sit between him and Ruth again. He whispered to Ruth. “Be nice. She’s wet her panties… a lot… so she’s sad. Let her know how much you love her, okay? But don’t touch her butt. We’re trying not to let the wet show on her dress.” “Um… Billy?” Ruth looked up at him, seriously. “Yeah?” “You had her sit down.” “Yeah?” “If her panties were that wet, it’s going to get on her dress.” “What… what do you mean?” “I always lift my dress out from under me when I sit after peeing on my panties. She’s sitting on her dress, Billy! She’s going to be wet.” “Oh, dang it. What do we do?” “You don’t take her the rest of the main meeting. We go in late to Sunday School, and you walk behind her until she sits, so no one sees her butt. I hold her hand.” “Okay.” “You hear us, Cait. If it comes out in the seat right now, it’s okay. But don’t move. You stay here even if you pee your pants until everyone leaves the room. Billy and I help you to Sunday school.” “Okay. But it still wants to come out. I don’t know why I can’t pee in the toilet. It’s so… so… mad-making!” “I get it. I do that in my pants sometimes, too, when the Su-um-itches are being mean to me, and sometimes at school if I feel like they are making me hurry. You’re not the only one that’s felt like that or wet because of it.” “Okay.” Cait didn’t want to wet her dress though. The Kinsellas bought it special for her, for church. She had to somehow not wet it, and hope the underwears didn’t make it wet. She knew though, as she shifted her bottom, that her dress was wet. She sighed and pressed her knees together trying not to let any more come out. She couldn’t be a baby and ruin something the Kinsellas gave her out of love and accepting her. Somehow, the time slowly crawled until people were standing. Billy put a hand on Cait’s shoulder stay. Even if you pee, little sis. We don’t move until all the kids are out of the room, that way, no one sees pee on your dress, okay?” Cait felt her face get heater-hot-red, but she nodded and even leaked a little bit while she waited for ‘big brother’ to say it was safe. “Are you going to come to Sunday school?” Billy asked. “You’ll be there?” “Yeah. We’re in the same class.” “You sitting with me.” “I’m not supposed to, but you can sit with Ruth. They have a fifth grade table, but you are Ruth’s guest today, so they will let you sit with her.” “Okay. At the fourth graders?” “Yeah. And I’ll be there. I won’t let anyone be mean.” “Okay.” “Billy?” “Yeah, Cait?” Cait was watching the other kids leave the room and the adults were gathering closer to the front. Sean was waiting by the three children. “What if I pee in Sunday School? What if everyone sees?” “If you do it quietly in your panties and no one sees, just stay in your seat. I’ll walk you out after everyone leaves. If you have an accident that everyone sees, then no matter what the rules are, I leave my table and come to you, and I either hold you through Sunday school or I take you to find your big people. Your choice.” “Okay. I’ll go to Sunday School.” Chapter 59 The Quiet Table As they walked through the hallway, Billy stopped his little sister. “Ruth. A quick word before we go in?” “Yeah?” “I know it’s a lie, and you don’t have to say nothing. Don’t lie with me, but just don’t say nothing. The teacher expects me as the big brother to say what happened. You don’t have to tell, okay?” Ruth frowned. “But you want to protect Cait?” “Yeah?” “Well, I’m going to ask your permission. But if you say no… Everyone will know Cait had to pee if I don’t say this.” Ruth put her hands on her hips. “You gonna say I peed my panties?” “No! Why would I do that? No. What I was going to do though, is say you wanted to go to the bathroom, so I insisted Cait and I wait for you. Cait because she doesn’t know the way, and me, because I’m being your big brother waiting to tell you to wash your hands.” “Oh, well, that’s….” “No,” Cait looked at Billy. “Don’t tell the teacher that Ruth was bad. I peed my pants. Tell her I peed my pants. Don’t tell her Ruth was late on purpose.” Ruth took Cait’s hand. “He wouldn’t get me in trouble, Cait. It’s not bad at church to go to the bathroom on the way to class, and to sometimes need an older brother or sister with you. It’s normal. He just didn’t want me to feel like he was blaming me being late. He wanted to make sure I knew what would happen if we don’t lie. He knows I hate lying in Sunday School. But this time… it’s… it’s the right thing to do. You don’t deserve people to look at your wet bottom.” She grabbed Cait’s hand. “You better not tell anyone my friend Cait wet her pants, or else… I… I won’t be your friend no more,” and she put her thumb in her mouth. “I don’t care you peed, but I care other kids make fun of you peed.” Billy nods. “Exactly. The heart, the person, that’s what matters. Not what sick does to you.” “You’re sure you’re ready to help me lie this time, sis? Even if you stay quiet, it’s still helping me lie.” “I don’t see a lie, except about who peed,” Ruth frowned around her mouth. “I don’t care if they think I used the toilet. Let them think what they want. I don’t think Jesus said to never lie. Grownups do it all the time, like when Daddy tells mommy she’s beautiful even when he knows that dress is ugly on her. Jesus says be kind. I don’t think he cares about lying assept when it hurts people.” “That’s what I keep telling you, Ruth? You finally understand!” “Well, you do sometimes lie to hide bad stuff. That’s not the same.” “You got me on that, Ruthie. I do sometimes lie if you or I break something, and that’s why mom always asks you if you know what happened. She knows you’ll tell if it’s important.” Billy walked behind Cait with Ruth holding Cait’s hand. He bent down to the two girls after they are seated. “If Cait panicks,” Billy whispers but he’s aware the fourth graders are listening. “Just rub her hand like this and tell her to breathe. Remember, she gets panic sometimes. She’s sick, little sis.” Billy winked at Ruth, and then Ruth… saying “Oh,” winked back. He then went to the sixth grade table. “You’re late. Is everything okay?” Mrs. Johnson asked. “Yeah, I just had to take Ruth to the bathroom and remind her about something.” “To wash her hands?” Melissa asked. Melissa was at the fifth grade table. “Your little sister is still too much of a baby to go by herself. My little sister told me all about you taking her before the main meeting was even over. You’re lying.” “He’s not lying,” Ruth stood up. “I pooped. It took a while.” She sat back down. “Ew, gross! You don’t have tell us details.” “You asked for it when you told everyone I was taking too long. So there.” Mrs. Johnson frowned at Melissa. “Melissa, we don’t need to know how long someone is in the bathroom, and Ruthie, it’s okay. Let’s just continue with the Woman at the well, from the sermon earlier. What did you kids hear?” Cait frowned. She didn’t hear any of it, and she didn’t think Billy or Ruth heard either because she kept bugging them. She squirmed a little. “Well,” Mrs. Johnson saw only Melissa’s hand raised. “How about we read about it in the Bible?” “Cait, do you have a Bible?” Mrs. Johnson asked. “No. I don’t read good. Daddy never gave me one.” “Well, Good at reading or not, everyone in this Sunday School Class gets a Bible to follow along, hon. Ruth, get you and Cait a Bible from the back. Does anyone else need one?” No one raised their hand. “You don’t have a Bible?” Cait asked Ruth. “I do. I always forget mine at home. Mrs. Johnson knows now. It’s the third Sunday in her class, and she said last week to just get a Bible from the back if I forget mine. She must have seen I was with you though, so knew I didn’t get one yet.” “Okay. But I wasn’t lying. I can’t read.” “I get stuck on those big words and those old ones, too. Don’t be scared.” And then Ruth went and got a Bible. While Ruth was getting Bibles for herself and Cait, the fifth grade table had whispers going on around it. Cait couldn’t hear them, but she saw the Melissa girl nod at her direction. “Leave it,” Cait thought she heard someone say, but she wasn’t sure what it meant because no one was going anywhere. “Now, let’s start reading about the woman and the well,” Mrs. Johnson smiled as she looked around the room. “Maybe Cait should read first,” Angela said aloud to some of the fifth graders looking at her sharply. “Well, we can let Cait read in time, but now, let’s start at the sixth grade table. Who would like to read first?” Mrs. Johnson whispered. Cait didn’t hear everything, but she heard Billy for sure. “Don’t pick on Cait or anyone that doesn’t usually read good,” he whispered to the other six graders. “My sister has a friend for the first time. I don’t want her to have to stand up, yet. And Don’t call on any of the fifth graders. I don’t trust them.” Cait glanced over and she saw Billy whispering to a tall thin kid who was reading. He smiled as he continued to read. Some wet slipped out into her panties gain. She’s a bad girl. He tries to take her potty, but she’s starting to wet herself gain, only this time, the drizzle isn’t stopping. It’s still going… for until… it does stop. Cait looked at the clock. The hand didn’t move. It felt longer than that. Her dress is wet. It’s heavy and it’s dripping on the floor. She feels some of it going down her legs. The tall sixth grader came to a point, and he looked over at the fourth graders. “Jamie,” he called on a boy with yellow hair and green eyes with freckles at the fourth grade table. “Hold on, Jamie. Let’s discuss these few lines first…,” Mrs. Johnson directs the class. “Talk to your tables about what you think the woman is thinking.” Cait saw the other fourth graders looking around and about, and then Cait frown. Jesus tells the woman that she was bad,” she frowned. “That what my daddy said.” Ruth frowned. “Jesus never says bad, though Cait?” “Jesus said you have five husband you now have a man who is not your husband.” “No,” Jamie frowned his finger on his chin. “Even if he said that, the Bible only makes known Jesus told her who he is. What is important, is he says he has a life that cannot die, for her.” Ruth nodded. “Jesus never said ever in the simple people, what is wrong. He always only said what the people know what happened, if they wrong.” “That’s right,” a girl with black hair. “Jesus knows if we do something, but he only mad when the leaders say we bad, they do bad. For those who do not know bad, he always has a gift to try again. He telled the woman that he has that is another chance her.” Cait was wrong again. She felt her underwears leaking against her legs and into the dress and into the chair. She was the one who knows that Jesus is mad at. “That’s right,” the ghost said. “You were bad. You said the woman bad, but the woman doesn’t pee her pants while she talks to him, and she doesn’t even know he’s the God. You are very bad.” Cait looked down, her face red. “Daddy says that,” she felt a tear run down her face. Ruth put an arm on Cait’s arm. “It’s okay, Cait,” she whispered. “Guys? Stop a minute,” Ruth says. Cait. She doesn’t understand. Let’s help her. Let’s not say why she’s wrong… Let’s show her. Can you?” Cait was shivering badly. Pee was just pouring in her pants now. She can only sit there, waiting for it to start. Ruth called to the sixth grade table. “Billy! She’s badly really scared! Help!” Billy stood up. The teacher started towards them, but Billy was faster. He bent down by her. The other fourth graders stared at Cait and Ruth in confusion. Billy took Cait’s hand. “It’s okay. We’ll go find your big people. You were really brave, Cait. You’re a good girl, you hear me? You’re a good girl, and your not Miss Pissy Pants!” “Billy!” the teacher looked like she was going to scold him. “Miss Johnson. I promise. I’ll explain the bad words. Cait. She needs this. I’m sorry.” He started to help her up. “Oh, and I thought it was Ruth pissing her pants over there,” Angela smirked at Melissa. “Not funny, Angela,” Melissa frowned. “She’s stupid! She can’t not only not read, but she can’t even get her Bible right!” Two fifth graders stood up and shook their head. “We can’t either.” And they walked over the Fourth grade table. “Guess we’re as stupid as Cait, Miss perfect.” Angela’s face froze as she saw her cousin walk with them to the fourth grade table. “But… you are the one that told me that Billy was….” “You’re picking on a kid that is younger than you, and you are picking on someone who can’t read, and you are picking on a girl that might be sick. You heard the fourth graders and the sixth grader telling the fourth graders she’s scared and sick. NOT cool!” Three other fifth graders stood up. “We are not that dumb, maybe,” one of the boys says. But there’s no room at the perfect table for us. We might ask the sixth graders to put up with thumb sucking fifth graders. One of the fifth graders going to the sixth grade table actually put his thumb in his mouth. “It’s not so bad, actually,” he said around it. Two more kids stand up, not sure if they want to ask the sixth graders for grace or if they want to go back to fourth grade, but they know one thing. They move to the wall, to the back of the class away from the perfect table. “We’re not perfect enough for that table.” Cait’s jaw dropped. Her dress is soaked. The rest of the pee is going in her pants, and the fourth grade table got three fifth graders that demoted themselves because that table was being called the table for a perfect person. Cait squatted down as she still peed, and then sat in her pee, crying. Ruth sat on her knees in the pee, and hugged her friend. Billy reached down and lifted Cait from the shoulders out of her puddle, and he whispered. “Not Miss Pissy Pants, Cait. You don’t sit there. You did nothing wrong.” He walked her over to the sixth grade table, and he sat and he put her in his lap. “If you stay, Cait, you stay with us. We sixth graders need someone to teach us courage like you have. You came in here… and you told me you’d pee, but you tried anyway. You are brave. That’s who you are, Cait!” When the lines were drawn, Kookaberry whispered to the ghost. “That’s what I been telling you. Isn’t it? At the end of the day, you only know Dan. And I only know Sean and Eiboline, but in the end, I also knew right from wrong, and what is normal. You are learning.” The ghost wasn’t visible. “Cait? If you sit in my lap the rest of Sunday School, you can finish peeing your pants, if you didn’t already, and I’ll help you read, and the sixth grade table won’t even care. They purposefully didn’t choose you to read next. I asked and they knew I had a reason, so that reader, right there, he called on a fourth grader that can read. I ask him not to choose a fifth grader for a reason.” “You asked them not to ask me to read?” “Yes. Because I think you can read. But not when you’re nervous, scared, and know your sickness will make you pee your pants soon. So I didn’t let them choose you today, not because they think I’m important, but because they are my friends, and they understand that I don’t separate people on purpose.” Chapter 60 The Woman At The Well? The Children at the Well The teacher stopped just feet from catching Cait. The kids started to back away from the perfect table, and Mrs. Johnson, stood there, feet from catching Cait, but instead watched Ruth go down with her, and then Cait saw the corners on the teacher’s face twitch as the fifth grade table splintered, the big boy came to help her to his table and put her in his lap, and still, he asked her. “You can stay or go, but if you stay, you stay right here and pee on me and let me help you read.” She heard him say it. He said she could read! She just couldn’t today because she was scared and he knew she was feeling sick and knew she was going to pee, and he didn’t want her to read when she’s sick and scared. He did care! The other fourth graders… maybe one or two stayed, but the others got up and went to find a fifth or a sixth grader’s lap at the sixth grade table, and those sixth graders, they rubbed fourth grade backs and whispered. “That’s why we’re in the same class. To catch you when you need help.” Ruth looked at Angela. “Are you too perfect to join the sixth graders, or even talk to the fifth graders by the wall? Because if you are, then you are the one that needs our love. I don’t know why you are sad like this. But this is church, and we help each other at church.” “Miss Sullaviche,” Mrs. Johnson frowned. “I think you are excused for today. Next Sunday, maybe think if you belong in the perfect classroom or not. If you do, we welcome you, but I don’t teach perfect kids. I’m not qualified. I’m not perfect. But if you understand that you don’t need to be perfect, then you are still welcome to learn.” She looked at the door, and Angela walked out. The kids at the back wall followed her out and the kids that stayed at the fourth grade table walked out. “Well, that lesson would have gone better,” Mrs. Johnson frowned. “How?” Melissa asked. “That lesson was perfect. Angela is always making fun of other kids in class when she’s here. You just met her, and look what she did on the first day you were here. That’s her all the time. Your lesson made us make a choice, and I think that’s a good thing, not that Cait didn’t help. If Cait hadn’t even been hear, it would have gone the way you wanted, but no one would have done anything different from they usually do.” Cait frowned. “I peed. I caused trouble. I didn’t….” Billy put his hand on her mouth and he whispered. “Listen Cait. Listen what is going on. You did, too, help. Your courage helped. You are a very good girl.” She looked down and drizzled in her panties again. She didn’t know why. It wasn’t stopping like it’s supposed to. “I peed my pants again,” Cait told Billy. “I know. And I don’t care, Cait. Now, you can read. You’re in my lap. No one will rush you. If you look for help, everyone will rush to help, but no one will tell you the word until you tell us to. You can read. Go on, you read what the fourth grader was going to read. We are here, and I’m holding you. You go ahead and pee your pants while you read. It’s okay.” Mrs. Johnson let Cait read with the help of the others, and after class, she stopped a few minutes early, they prayed, and then she brought out some peppermint candies. “I usually check homework and give people who do the assigned homework a piece of Candy,” she told Cait. “But today, you kids still in the room, you did something that no amount of homework will ever teach you. You were a community to the one person that needed help the most in the moment. And Remember, this, kids. Jesus said, if you do it for the least of your brothers, you do it for me!” Cait looked down. “They did it for me. Why I get candy? I made the trouble and stopped the lesson.” “No, Cait,” the teacher touched her red hair. “You were brave. You came in here sick, knowing you were scared, and that you might wet your pants, according to other kids, unless they lied…?” “No. I knew I was gonna. I… I been pre-peeing all in church and Billy tried to take me two times, but it wouldn’t come out. And it kept getting harder to not pre-pee in my underwears even though I tried to use the toilet. I couldn’t.” “My dad says she has something called a girl in a nea or something,” Billy said rubbing his head. “I heard him talking to mom about what the Kinsellas said.” “You heard wrong,” Ruth said. “They called it a Hurt no ya.” Mrs. Johnson frowned. “Well, whatever it is, you know it’s a sickness?” “Yeah. She needs surgery and everything. And she’s been peeing her pants for a week because the sick is getting really bad, and please don’t tell Angela and adults that will talk about her? She’s trying really hard, and well, you are the Sunday School teacher. You can make her feel better at Church, like you do when Ruth gets nervous and forgets her Bible or the last time she peed her pants in class that first day, remember?” Uncle Daddy Sean, Mr. Todd Henderson, and several sixth grader and fourth grader along with a couple of fifth grader parents came up because they were really late getting out. Mr. Henderson saw Cait still in his son’s lap, and he looked to Mrs. Johnson. The Pastor came in just behind and saw the puddle on the carpet under a chair and then the sixth grade boy holding the fifth grade girl. “I’m sorry, Pastor,” Mrs. Johnson frowned. “I lost control of the class. If you….” Melissa walked up to the Pastor. “Mrs. Johnson didn’t do anything wrong. She was teaching like normal. Someone at grade table five said something very outside the spirit, and Mrs. Johnson… being the perfect teacher… let us Understand Jesus and what he offered the woman at the well through our own way. And we don’t want Angela in the intermediate Sunday School no more. Not Mrs. Johnson, the kids don’t. We understand grace, but for her to get grace, she has to be really sorry she shamed a fourth grader….” “Fifth grader,” Billy corrected her. “Worse, a peer! She has to be really sorry she shamed a peer when that peer told us she can’t read, and we all heard Billy say she was sick and told Ruth to tell him if she got scared from being sick. Now, we know what that meant. She got so scared she peed. Can that Angela… well, her words don’t belong in our Sunday School until she stops being Miss Perfect in speech but not actions.” “I can have a talk with….” “No,” Billy frowned. “If she is allowed to come to class next week, none of the sixth graders will come. I don’t care if you are teaching. Not meaning disrespect to you… but fully meaning it to Angela. Not until she stops picking on my little sister, Cait. Cait is sick!” “I’m the one that peed my pants, on purpose, in Sunday school,” Cait said. “Don’t punish the others. I caused it.” “Damn it!” Billy clamped his hand over his mouth even as he heard himself say it. Mr. Henderson walked over and put a hand on his shoulder. “Explain, son.” Cait’s eyes narrowed. Billy was being asked to explain? He wasn’t getting it for cussing in front of the Pastor, the Sunday School teacher, and half a dozen witnesses at church? His dad was asking him to explain? “Cait already calls herself Miss Pissy Pants in private. She thinks everything is her fault! Something’s not right, Dad! And I… I couldn’t take it! No matter how many times I tell her she didn’t cause the Sunday school trouble, Angela did, she’s still sitting here and calling herself names in her own head! That’s… that’s not normal, dad!” Mr. Henderson frowned. “I’m sorry, Pastor. If this Angela is allowed to come to this class next week, we will not be letting Billy or Ruth come. That girl has been harsh with Ruth since they started coming in the summers. She’s so scared, she’d rather pee her pants than ask her mom to take her… Social isolation! I won’t have it. That child picks on sick kids? If you allow this, we will stop coming to Sunday service all together!” The parents started whispering. “I’ll talk to her parents,” the Pastor said. “I’ll see if we can find out why she’s being like this, but yes, if she can’t promise to be civil, she can sit with her parents or not come to Sunday School at all. The community matters more than a self righteous person. Besides, even didn’t Jesus himself over turn the money tables in the temples when he saw what happened. Jesus doesn’t want this spirit here.” The parents nodded in agreement. “And now, little troublemaker Cait,” Billy whispered to her with laughter in his voice. “You just made church safer for my sister. She’ll still need me to take her until she knows that it’s true, but you probably helped her not be the first sixth grader that has to pee her pants just to not get cornered in the bathroom for being different, and it all started because you said yes when she asked you to play at the park on Monday, last.”

Chapter 47 The Roaring Engine In the setting sun, the girls started playing tag while Sean sat in the grass out there with them, and watched. The sun created nice colors across the sky of orange, yellow, and red. The girls were being children. The babies threw hand fulls of loose hay they hadn’t gotten to the silo at their older sisters giggling. Cait walked up to Grainne. “I want to show you something.” “What?” “Just come, you’ll see.” Grainne frowned but followed her sister, and Cait led her right up to Sean’s side. “Uncle Daddy? I peed,” Cait told the whole yard loud enough all the sisters turned to look. Sean bent down and picked her up. “Now.” He lightly patted her wet bottom. Cait called down to Grainne. “I told you before. That he holds me when I pee.” The girls all stared at him like he was an alien, but not a scary one. Just one of wonder or one that had different rules or ideas than they did. “How come you’re holding her against you?” Clo asked. “She’s gonna get your shirt wet.” “That’s as it should be,” Sean whispered. The girls all as one, except Cait who held Uncle Sean’s neck though she shook a little, turned and looked in the direction of the house as they heard Daddy’s old pick up approaching. Cait had just peed her pants. What if Daddy did get mad that Sean let her pee her pants and was being gentle to her? The truck stopped in front of the field, and it wasn’t even half done. “Grainne! Clo! Get over here!” Sean put a hand on Grainne’s shoulder. “Don’t move until I say so, child.” Grainne looked up at him, shivering. Sean stepped forward as Dan got out of his truck. His boots hit the ground and Uncle Sean stared straight at him. “Dan?” “Sean?” “You’ve got little babies out here doing men’s work. Where are your help?” “I don’t have any help. They stopped working mid spring.” “Whatever your reasons are, your daughters haven’t see their little sister in a week. And they were working even while Cait was here.” “No doubt that little troublemaker slowed them….” “None of that. They were all working beautifully until the sun went down. And I was helping them.” “You were… what? I can’t pay you!” “Did I ask for payment?” Sean asked. “I simply said I was helping them. The difference between helping someone and doing a job, is with help, you don’t expect to get paid for it, do you?” Dan frowned. “I don’t want my daughters to learn that. The minute they learn that they can count on someone to take any pressure off them, is the minute they find out just how harsh the world is, only now, they are behind because they didn’t get the help they expected.” “Now. The world isn’t always pleasant,” Sean frowned. “But we are, family, aren’t we? Who can you count on, if not your family?” “The field isn’t done.” “Dan! Four people my size couldn’t have finished what I walked into.” “That’s because they’d been playing all week instead of working.” “Now,” Sean frowned. “That’s not what I saw. I saw two little kids nearly passing out in the heat, and working with hand tools, Dan! You realize there is a reason people don’t use those anymore!” “Little kids can’t use machines. Machines and kids don’t mix.” “Now. Little kids and machines don’t mix. You are not wrong. But little kids and working twelve hours in the field doesn’t mix either.” “Oh, so now you want to report me, do you?” “Did I say anything about reporting you?” “Your children need food, and you need to rest from your work in town,” Sean said starting to try to turn the confrontation towards needs at the moment. Cait looked at Uncle and rose her eyebrow. “Daddy has his reasons, perhaps, and I have no intent on reporting you for teaching your children to be self sufficient. But I think you should agree that all of your babies need a bath! The little ones helped put the hay in the silo.” “What? They can’t help! They’re too little!” “And yet, they loved the game of trying to be the one to stack the highest hay mound, did you pets?” Cait grinned knowing that was a loaded game, and that Uncle Sean taught them something more important, if her sisters were watching. Grainne had to have realized what Sean did. “Yeah, next time, I bet if the three little sisters worked together, we’d get more than the two big sisters!” Aoibhe smiled. “That wouldn’t be fair,” Cait put an arm around her. “Those two have to cut so they wouldn’t be stacking as long as us. Just because their arms are bigger doesn’t meet that they can cut and stack, too. Besides, if we all stack together, we all get two quarters.” “Two quarters?” Dan asked Cait. Cait looked down not wanting to look at Sean and cause a fight. “Grainne, get over here,” Dan didn’t even give her any moment or privacy. He called her over on the spot and he lifted the teenager’s skirt in front of everyone and check her panties. “They’re not wet. What was your excuse yesterday? You were working and didn’t get to the bathroom. So, what? You got to one today? So did you not work as much today, or did you lie yesterday.” Cait yelled at him. “You are just being a fucker!” “What did you say?” Dan glared at her. The other girls covered their mouths and Grainne shivered, but she stepped in front of Dan. “I’m the one that lied,” she told him but it was futile. Cait had crossed a line. “Is this what you do? You pretend to say you’ll help and maybe take her to a doctor, and you teach her to talk to her father like that?” Sean shook his head. “Cait. Say you’re sorry, pet. I told you about that.” Cait frowned. “Why’s Cait apologizing?” Grainne asked. “She’s kind of right! Why am I bad for wetting my pants yesterday to get my work done, but I’m bad this time for not wetting my pants and you saying we didn’t do enough?” “Besides, Grainne peed,” Clo said a little quieter. “Me, too. Uncle Sean just didn’t like us being in wet stuff, so sent the two little sisters to get us clean clothes.” “So, you two think that acting like Cait, you’ll just be sent away and not have to help the family? Is that it?” Dan asked both Clo and Grainne. “And what will you do when your sisters have no food because you decided you couldn’t help with stuff, and pottied your panties just to get out of it?” “Dad! Stop it!” Cait spoke out of turn again. “Cait!” Sean pulled her in a hug and lifted her up. “Cait! Stop. This is an adult fight, not a child’s place. You and your sisters go, now. Go get baths… All of you. Now.” “This is my house, Sean. Mine! You were not given control over the other girls. Only Cait.” “I am not taking control of your house, Dan. I’m protecting YOU from making a terrible mistake that could take your whole world away from you.” “What do you mean? You come here uninvited, urge my kids to play and to piss their pants, and you are protecting me?” “You are so afraid of everything, Dan. I’m not here to take anything from you. But if you hit those girls like you plan on doing right now, you can lose them, and what’s more, you can lose not only your family, but go to prison, too. I don’t want you to make that mistake. Let the girls go. We can duke it out if you want, but the girls go get clean, and you calm down before you address them.” Dan’s eyes eyed Sean seriously for a moment. It was hard to tell if he saw Sean’s muscles, though his own were not exactly small either, or if it was Sean’s logic about losing his family or his freedom, or what it was, but Dan sighed and opened his pack of cigarettes that were always in his shirt pocket. “Do as Sean says, kids. Go take a bath. Now. Before I do lose my temper!” Chapter 48 It’s Okay, Grainne Cait stood in the bathroom along with Clo while Grainne was bathing the two younger sisters. Uncle Sean and Daddy were talking downstairs, though there were some moments when Daddy got loud, so they knew the fight wasn’t over and that’s why Uncle Sean sent the kids away. “Daddy doesn’t like you peeing your pants,” Cait started. “We already know that,” Grainne said. “Yeah, you didn’t let me tell you why.” “Well, it’s not decent, is it?” Grainne narrowed her eyes at her sister. “It’s shameful in society.” “That’s not why Daddy hates it. It’s not the real reason. That’s what he uses to make us scared to do it. If no one else does it, and everyone else agrees with him that it’s gross, then we won’t have anyway to shut him off.” “Really?” Grainne asked. “So, what? You want us to go around pissing our pants at school like you?” “No. That’s just hurting you,” Cait said. “No. The only person it matters to, that will be affected if you do it in front of and you don’t say you are sorry, and you just tell him like the grass is green that you did it, you know you did it, and you not sorry…. He can’t prove you did it on purpose, but he can’t prove you didn’t, too. You can tell him… you have the belt, but you hit anyways. I don’t scared of your stupid belt because no matter what happens, you use it. But I choose why you use it. It’s like sticking your tongue at him without doing it.” “Cait…. No. Don’t tell our little sisters to do that. He will hit them.” “He hits them anyway, though.” “Wait, he hasn’t hit them? Not when I was at home?” “He started getting on to Roisin on Monday because she peed on accident outside. He told you got sent to our cousins because there are two of them there and so to split your shame between, so they can both make you be good. They told us all that they have these great beasts with horns that kill kids, and he even showed us a picture of our cousin who died from one of those beasts.” Cait gulped. “But they’re not like that at all.” “Roislin sleeps on your old mattress until she stops peeing herself outside.” “So if she wets her pants on purpose, Daddy is scaring her?” “Not just scaring. He hits her, Cait. He hits all of us more. I get it if the sisters are not clean and if the farm work doesn’t get done. Clo gets it if she has an accident because the house toilet is too far away, and pulling our pants down outside is… well… we didn’t want to change our pants earlier because… and that’s the real reason I couldn’t clean myself up, Cait. I was too nervous. What if Daddy came and checked on us while we were getting into clean clothes?” “He’s gonna hit you anyway, Grainne.” Cait looked her in the eyes. “If Clo doesn’t tell daddy you changed, even if he hits you, he has no why for it. You know that.” Cait patted Grainne’s back and looked at Clo. “Auntie-grandma taught me. She said. You don’t have to tell everything. You don’t have to say stuff, Clo. You make him find out because he wants to check and he wants you to lie anyway. But you make him look, and you make him work for why.” “What good’s that doing?” Clo asked her hands on her hips for a moment resting from washing Aoibhe’s hair. “Because if he doesn’t find wet clothes or any proof you peed, he knows he’s wrong even if he hits you for it. He has to tell you the real reason he hits, and if you find out the real reason, he might be scared you know it.” “Daddy doesn’t get scared,” Grainne told Cait. “He’s in charge of everything. You know what he’s like.” “I do,” I whispered. “But I am learning normal, too. Uncle Sean? Picking me up when I peed my pants? That normal stuff, Grainne. Parents apposed to ask you why you peed and find out how you got in trouble to pee so they help you, not so they can tell everyone you bad.” “But Uncle Sean patted your gross.” “Uncle Sean was keeping me calm.” “Keeping you calm?” “In case I start to get scared, Grainne. He working hard to tell me that it doesn’t be my fault about even poop in my underwears, and he trying for me to see a doctor. The doctor says it doesn’t my fault, too.” “He does?” Cait touched her sister’s butt. “When Sean checks me, he doesn’t just pull my skirt up looking for me being dirty. At his place, I wear pants anyway because easier to be outside and stuff and I get water with Auntie.” “You can’t wear pants! You’re a girl.” “I don’t care. God didn’t invent close, Grainne. That first thing Uncle taught me. God doesn’t mind what we wear, only what we feeling.” Clo whispered. “But Cait, if you wear boy stuff, people will say you’re weird.” “They say it anyway, don’t they? Daddy tells them that I do potties in my pants, and school already knows it, so why I am scared of that word? Sean lets me be weird, and it’s safe to be weird by my own choice. Want to see?” “See what?” Clo asked. Cait took down her skirt and showed she was in boy underpants. “They put those on you?” “Daddy forgot to leave my clothes after I already peed before he left. He didn’t care. They don’t have clothes my size for girls, but they have these others.” “So they put those on you!” Clo frowned. “Not this ones. This ones, I chose at store. It’s safer to wear. I don’t pee my pants as fast with it on. I can have stronger pre-pees, and it doesn’t count cause no one sees. And I can get into the bathroom.” “You aren’t supposed to move when you pee, Cait!” “Daddy’s rules, not Uncle and Auntie’s rules. Uncle says I do what Cait feels is feel good. And Auntie showed me to make the stains go away. She says stains can just-appear, but feelings can’t.” Grainne shook her head. “Well, you better remember before you come back or Daddy will be mad. If you come back and you turn eleven and you pee at school, or you move while peeing when you should be in bed….” “I know,” Cait frowned. “But I also know.” “What’s that mean?” Clo asked her head tilted at me. “I know that daddy will be mad, but I know I get to choose why he mad. It’s not if he will be mad, but what he mad about, and if I can don’t care he mad.” “So, you peed outside just because?” Roisin asked. “Not just because,” Cait frowned at her little sister. “I peed to prove that Uncle Sean doesn’t care I peed, and he even said me that I am allowed.” “He didn’t say you were allowed to do it on purpose, Cait,” Clo tried to correct me. “You watch next time I look up at him and then down at my pants before I start pee what he does. He knows if I choose to pee or I don’t.” “Don’t,” Grainne whispered. “He might not do nothing, but Daddy’s home. I don’t want Daddy to catch you.” “Cait? If Daddy catches you peeing in front of him with a look at Uncle like it’s planned? Dad will hit Grainne,” Clo started to wash the little sisters again. “I guess that why Uncle told me to careful what to tell you is best doing it. But Grainne, you can’t hold it when you farming. Doctor said I got inspection or something from doing it, and he said it can kill you. You can’t hold it no more in the farm. You gotta decide, I change my wet pants after I pee, or I sneak somewhere and pee where no one can see. You can’t hold it. You too, Clo.” They looked at each other. “Cait…. Daddy wouldn’t kill us.” Cait put her thumb in her mouth and sighed deeply. “Cait…,” Grainne whispered. “If I tell the little ones to pee their pants, Dad will hit someone.” “He will hit the little sister and Grainne both,” Clo told Cait. He does it when Roisin accidentally pees, especially if she does it in the house.” Grainne put her hand up to Clo. “I don’t care if he hits me, I can take it. Roisin is still a baby.” “Hey! I’m not neither, too. I just can’t stop it going.” Cait bent down by the tub. “You’re not a baby, Roisin. You’re still little though. That’s what Grainne means. You shouldn’t get hit like that. It hurts bad.” Roisin sucked her thumb. Cait looked up at Grainne. “Did I make you get hit when I peed in more than one place when it happened?” Grainne’s jaw moved back and forth, but she didn’t say anything. “Oh, my God, he did! He hit you and you never even told me! He never did it where I saw!” “I’m the big sister. He left the belt by the tub. He knew I didn’t use it on you, so he said I’m going to get it if I don’t use it.” “You never did, though.” “Just because it’s there doesn’t mean I should. Besides, I don’t even like touching it to move it. But if you remember, I moved it sometimes because you stepped awkward by it, and almost slipped when you get out the tub, so I moved it away until you got away from the tub and put it back.” “You… you didn’t like touching it, but you touched it protect me?” “I’m your big sister. You already upset I have to bathe you because you did it again. And I know you scared Daddy is mad. I’m not going to let it make you slip and fall.” “Well, how come you get to protect me from the belt that can’t do nothing without Daddy’s hand, but you don’t let me protect you by telling you how not to hurt more?” “Cait…. You mean well, but you’re still a little kid. You…. Maybe you are right and I shouldn’t hold it out there. I know my body wants to go, but Cait…. If I start peeing my pants, our sisters won’t have someone strong to hold them and protect them when they need me. I have to hold it to show I’m strong enough to carry them.” “Grainne. We all love you. You don’t gotta be perfect for us to think you are the oldest. You allowed to poop your pants. You don’t think I still look up to you even if that happened? You don’t think Aoibhe still sees her big sister, but she just pooped her pants once? You don’t gotta be perfect, Grainne. We love you, and we know, deep down, you are stopping Daddy hitting us or we’d get it more than we do. We know it, Grainne. Right Clo?” “She’s not wrong, Grainne. I saw you trying to work while it was going in your pants. I wanted to do something, but I didn’t know what to do. I can’t tell you what to do. You’re the big sister, but I knew you were going to poop your pants before you did it.” Aoibhe reached up at Grainne. “Grainne pooped her pants. But you still don’t let the belt hit Roisin, and you still don’t let Daddy even see me if he mad. You get in front of him if he ask where I at, but he smell like that big people stuff.” “Yeah. You’re allowed to pee your pants if it hurts, Grainne,” Roisin looked up at her with tears in her eyes. “I wouldn’t disobey you just cause you got pee pee in your panties, and I wouldn’t tell no body nothing about especially Daddy.” Grainne took a deep breath. “Grainne? I’ll pee my pants if it helps,” Clo told her. “You’re supposed to be the oldest. If all the little sisters do it, then the oldest is allowed. You’re still being told to do everything, and you are doing things while you are potty dancing all the time. I hate it when you potty dance. It scares me when you are potty dancing. I’m afraid Daddy will walk in and see. If you just… got it over with, especially without Daddy there, I wouldn’t feel as scared.” “Cait?” a small quiet whisper drew my eyes to the toilet, the ghost sitting on it. “If Grainne gets caught peeing her pants, your Dad might take her status of big sister away. How do you answer that?” “Daddy doesn’t have control over her being our big sister,” Cait whispered. “What?” Grainne asked as though she heard me respond to Ghost. “I said,” I cleared my throat. “Whatever Daddy says, even if he were to put you in diapers and try to tell us you are the baby, he doesn’t have control on the way we see you. He doesn’t tell us what to think, Grainne. We know you are the big sister.” “Cait’s right,” Clo frowned. “But Cait. Why did you say that?” “Because if Daddy caught Grainne peeing her pants, and then he might try to say she lost her big girl status and make you be the older, Clo. But that’s wrong. You know it.” “Daddy would, too,” Clo frowned. “So, no matter what Daddy says, little sisters, to protect yourself, you call her what Daddy wants in front of Daddy, when when Daddy isn’t here, which is like all day, we still obey Grainne, right?” “Yeah,” Roisin pulled her thumb out. “Besides, how can I change my own panties? I never been allowed. Grainne changes me, and I like it when she does.” “Cait?” Roisin looked down. “What if Daddy told Grainne she’s not allowed to change me no more?” “But Daddy’s not here,” I told her. “Daddy off in town all day, right?” “Um… yeah?” “And Daddy makes you sleep on my old mattress and makes you wet the bed now, right? You have the old rule, if you get up and he sees pee on the floor, you gonna get it?” “Yeah.” “Daddy doesn’t get to take Grainne away from you though, if you trust Grainne and Grainne keeps protecting you. You pee the mattress on purpose so Daddy doesn’t hit you, and then you cry and whine and run away and hide until he has to leave, then come out and let Grainne change you no matter what Daddy says. Grainne will, as long as you show her you need her.” Roisin looked up at Grainne. “Even if daddy said you can’t do it, you change me?” Grainne nodded. “Don’t listen to the ghost,” I told Roisin. “The Ghost is just scared. She’s real. She’s our feelings. She’s our knowing of Daddy and she doesn’t mean to be mean. She’s just scared. She’s our feelings.” “Ghost?” Grainne frowned at Cait. “Yes, Grainne. You know her, too. Even if you don’t see her, she whispers to you. She tells you you better not piss those panties. She tells you that Clo will get it if you let her wet her pants even though you know she’s crying from having to go. That’s the ghost talking. Daddy won’t know if you are quiet and don’t bring up if Clo pees or not. Daddy doesn’t aspect you or Clo to pee.” “Clo, get the little kids out of the tub and take them to the bedroom,” Grainne said her voice was quiet… more quiet than Grainne has ever been. Her eyes were looking at the floor. She was breathing heavy. Cait knew the ghost was testing her even now. “Please, Clo?” Cait asked trying to show that she respects her as being older, but still asking for space. “It’s not that you can’t hear what we say, but the little girls…. They not ready for some of it.” Clo looked to Grainne. Grainne’s watery eyes looked up at Clo. “I’m not excluding you, Clo. I’ll tell you everything. It’s just…. Cait’s right. I have to talk to her, and you should know this too, but the little ones… they are little.” “Okay. I understand. You are trusting me to protect them so you and Cait can talk?” “Exactly,” Grainne hugged her. “You… if I didn’t have you to help me, I honestly couldn’t do all this by myself. You must know that, Clo.” Clo looked up at Grainne with wide eyes, as if, Grainne just shared something she didn’t expect. “Grainne is right, though,” Cait whispered to Clo. “Grainne is very strong, but she would have fallen a long time ago had you not been helping her.” “What do you know, Cait?” “Can we please talk about what I know of it later? We’ll scared the little sisters….” Clo huffed. “Okay. But you’re still going to explain to me what you think you know later.” Cait shrugged. “Already planned to.” Grainne frowned as the door close and then she sat on the floor and pee spluttered, drizzled, and then flooded from between her legs. Cait sat in her wet lap even as she was still peeing and her butt touched the wet floor where pee spilled over even peeing against her skirt. She felt just like Sean. The pee was gross, and it was kind of warm but kind of not. It was her sister’s cry though for help. The warm ick was nothing. It was just a symbol of the ick inside. The part that mattered that Cait had to work on. Grainne’s body shuddered as Cait moved upon her sister’s lap better, though it made both the girls more wet because of the pee on the floor having soaked into Cait’s clothing. She didn’t care. He wrapped her legs around her big sister’s waist, and she laid her head on her shoulder. “Grainne? The ghost is talking right now, isn’t it? What’s it tell you?” Grainne was starting to shake, and she turned her face away from Cait trying to wipe at the tears that just kept coming out. “I’m so useless! I can’t even keep my own panties dry when I’m upset anymore! I’m so stupid!” Grainne’s arms tightened on Cait. “And I just peed on my little sister.” Cait held her tighter. “Ghost! Not helping! Go the fuck away!” Grainne looked up into Cait’s eyes. “You can’t say that word right now. Daddy is downstairs. He’ll hear….” “Get the fuck out of here, ghost! Grainne needs peace right now. Leave!” Cait turned back to Grainne. “You didn’t pee on me, Grainne. I chose to sit in your lap when you were peeing. I chose to love you. You don’t love someone by just hugging them when you’re happy. You hug them when they need it, and sometimes, that means while they are peeing. Sean hugs me every time I pee my pants, and even picks me up while I’m doing it. This is what Uncle Sean showed me. How’s it feel?” “I…,” Grainne was sniffling. “You can cry, Grainne. You’re my big sister, and you been protecting us all the time. Sometimes, you gotta cry, too. You can cry. It changes nothing. Even Auntie cried once, and let me hug her while she was crying.” Grainne looked up into Cait’s eyes for what felt like two big number ticks by the longer clock hand. Her eyes seemed to try to push past Cait’s pupils, like Grainne was trying to see something in her that she never saw before. Then Cait felt it again. More pee flooded her sister’s lap and peed on Cait. Cait held her tighter and whispered. “Go ahead, big sis. Pee your big girl panties. You are still my big sister.” Grainne started to really cry. Cait didn’t know how long they were there, holding each other, but Cait didn’t care. She laid her head on her sister’s shoulder, rubbed her back, and whispered. “The ghost is gone for now, big sister. You’re not stupid, and you know it. You’re not weak, and you know it. You’re definitely not useless. You hide the Snake or belt from Roisin when you bathe her. You get in front of Clo when you think she’s gonna pee her pants. You don’t even let Daddy see Aoibhe when he’s got heavy drink in him or he’s mad. You are the least useless person of this house, and you know it, big sis. It’s okay to pee your pants. It’s one little thing that’s finally showing you are human and not an alien, and that’s what makes you better. You are human, but you still protected us all.” Cait said all this over such a long time, she wondered why Daddy hadn’t come up and checked, and then she knew Sean was down there. Uncle Sean was still protecting her. Chapter 49 Will or Will Not There was a light knock at the door. “Grainne? Cait? The other two are down stairs. Uncle Sean says you two have to come down now.” “Grainne didn’t get a bath yet,” Cait called to Clo. “I don’t trust Daddy, we’re not opening the door right now.” “Cait, please. Now.” Just trust me, I really really need Grainne right now, and Grainne can’t come out. She’s naked.” Clo got closer to the door. “Cait? Uncle Sean says you have to come down, too. Now.” Cait frowned and looked at Grainne. “Daddy’s out there.” “Cait, that’s Clo’s voice, not Daddy’s.” “Grainne?” “Yeah?” “Uncle Sean never rushes me. But who always does?” “Daddy?” But that wasn’t a question like she didn’t know. Grainne is bigger and smarter than Cait. You cannot open that door.” Cait saw Grainne’s legs twitch and heard the sigh in her breath like she was preparing to face Daddy. “You hear me big sis? It looks like I peed on you and Daddy will hit me.” “No,” Grainne frowned. “He won’t. If we get the door right now…. The pee stayed in one place!” “Grainne? Trust me, he will try get Sean to hit me.” Grainne looked at Cait for several moments. Cait wasn’t sure before she jumped on her sister’s confusion. “Tell Daddy you’re naked helping me clean up because now I really do need to clean up, too, so we can do it together,” Cait whispered. Grainne held Cait tightly. “Daddy? Cait needs more time. I’m naked. I have to give her a bath.” “How the hell did they figure out I was out here?” Cait heard Daddy yell at Clo. “Daddy! You leave Clo alone! She didn’t do nothing. The ghost told me you out there!” The ghost wasn’t even around though. Cait lied. “Cait,” Grainne whispered. “Daddy doesn’t believe in make-believe-peoples. He won’t understand what you mean that the ghost told you.” “The ghost did tell me though.” I knew it was Daddy though. Sean? He doesn’t do it that way. He holds me even after I pee on his lap, and he holds me until I look up and I tell him I want to move now. Uncle Sean always has time. He never says now, to me. “Cait. I believe you, but how he can he think like a ghost told you? “Grainne, do you know how long passed?” “I don’t see a clock right now.” “But you good at time, right? Guess?” “Maybe half an hour?” “When does Daddy ever let you give us a bath for half an hour before coming in here?” Grainne rubbed her chin. Daddy doesn’t do other people’s timing well. He needs to see us when he thinks something happens. He knows Grainne peed her pants. Sean sent us and Grainne told him she pooped her pants. He wants to catch her in poopy panties. That’s how he is. He wants to show her what she did. And even if she didn’t know. He wants to catch me peeing on the floor. That’s why I knew he came up with Clo. “I guess that would be like Daddy,” Grainne answered. “It’s the ghost,” Cait told Grainne. “The ghost told me that time passed and that’s why it’s Daddy and not Sean.” And, I licked my lips. I know something else. If Uncle Sean wanted me, he wouldn’t send Clo to get me… especially if he was going to do something that would scare me, like suddenly not give me time. He took me to the hospital. He told me the medicine would hurt. He told me when we had to do it again. He didn’t let the doctor tell me. He told me. Uncle Sean tells me to do something. He would not send Clo where I have no way to know why I’m getting yelled to go out of the bathroom in peed in panties and probably almost naked. That’s not Uncle Sean! “Daddy? You hear me? If you don’t let Clo leave the door right now, I’m going to tell Uncle Sean your rule for me to pee the bed!” “What? Child, you know you do that yourself!” “I knew it!” Cait yelled though the door. “I caught you! Now you let Clo stomp down the stairs so I know she’s safe or else!” Time passed for a moment, and Cait got up and put warm water on a washrag, and soaked it and then sat down in her sister’s lap and then squeezed the sponge on purpose in front of her underwears under her skirt getting Grainne wet again. “If he breaks the door down, I peed on you,” Cait whispered to her. “Daddy wouldn’t hit me while Uncle is playing my Daddy. That’ll make Uncle mad and Daddy don’t want him mad.” Grainne looked at Cait shaking. “Grainne, pull together or whatever it is they say. You big sister. You babying me. I peed on you. You need Daddy to believe that. You need it for me. I have Uncle Sean. He won’t hit me for peeing on you. Daddy will hit you, if he thinks you peed.” “I did pee,” Grainne looked down at our laps. “You didn’t,” Cait insisted. “You did what you told. You making us take baths and taking care us first. You didn’t pee, you held it until we were done, but your body didn’t able, so it came out when I made you cry. You didn’t pee. Your body hurt too much not to do it. And Daddy doesn’t need to know it. Daddy just sees my pee on you, and that’s all he needs to see.” “Cait….” “Grainne! Why you think I sat my butt on the floor first and make it so the pee went directly on my underpants? Do you think I wanted to just sit in pee instead of your lap? I moved to your lap. Why I do that instead of right on your lap first? I didn’t miss!” “Getting me in trouble doesn’t make sense….” “My butt’s wet, and your crotch is wet from holding me. Who it looks like peed?” “Cait, no… Daddy will….” “Uncle Sean. Daddy told Uncle Sean is my Daddy this summer, and Uncle Sean decided that’s true. He decided the night when Daddy left and I had no girl panties to wear, and they had to put me in boy underwears because that all they have my size, and then he decided… I am his family.” “Do they make you do chores at their farm?” Grainne finally asked after she looked up at me with that way she does when she is not mad anymore, only this time, it wasn’t mad. It was the pee in her pants that made her shake. She had red eyes from crying. Her hair was everywhere like in her eyes and in her mouth, and it looked like she actually saw Cait’s ghost. Also, she smelled like pee and sweat and Cait, and her panties were showing where her skirt rode up from Cait trying calm her and adjusting in her lap to better comfort her—Those panties being like the ghost trying to tell on her by showing the whole bathroom, but right then, only Cait and Grainne were there. Grainne’s voice was raspy. It spoke of her deepest strong feeling, that Cait was being scared by noisy. Maybe even pushed by big animals that pushed her to the ground. Maybe even glaring at her with those eyes that have those horns. A single touch of a horn to Cait’s chest, well, even Grainne’s maybe, and poop would be filling panties. “Auntie asks me to get my share of water for the day to drink. That’s the only thing she has said is something she needs me to help all the time. But you know what? I love doing stuff with her. She lets me help, Grainne. I mean really help. She let me cut onions and taught me that next morning. She taught me I don’t have to have my mistakes out where people see. She helps me clean it up. So you can’t even tell the three times I peed my pants upstairs in their hallway, and none of the clothes they put on me has pee stains, and Uncle Sean just calls it water. He says it dirty water, but it is just water. You don’t drink it, but you don’t mind it… like rain!” The door slammed open, and then Cait hugged Grainne tight. “I didn’t mean to wet my pants in your lap! Don’t tell on me!” she pretended to cry, but she heard the lock break. She knew daddy just got in, and that little whining only happened right after Cait was telling her sister how good the Kinsellas were to her.’’ “Your sister just pissed on you?” Dan frowned at his eldest kid. “Why are you hugging that disgraceful….” “That is enough,” Uncle Sean just showed up before Daddy could finish. “One more word, Dan, and I won’t ask you politely for a power of attorney. I will be speaking with DHS. You understand. Cait’s not yours to shame right now. You made that clear. And if you shame her sisters while she’s here, I’ll see it as you still shaming the little miss. So, I suggest we go downstairs and let the two little girls finish their bath! Your kids or not, Grainne is too old for you to force your way into the bathroom on her without at least her permission. DHS will definitely want to know about that. Understand?” Dan frowned. “Well, at least keep your dirty butt off of your sisters if you’re going to pee your Goddamned pants!” and he turned and walked away. Whatever Deeashis meant, Daddy knew. Uncle-Daddy Sean knew. Crop-Daddy was scared of it. “I’m sorry, Cait-a-kins! You’re not washing up here where that man can shame you and watch you. Uncle Sean will just sit you in his lap, and we can be wet together, baby. Then when we go to a motel later, Auntie can clean you up.” I looked right at Crop-Daddy. “I want Uncle-Daddy to do it,” and I watched Crop-Daddy’s eyes narrow. “You never rush me and get mad, and you don’t have a belt by the tub to spank me before I get in the water!” “Cait!” Dan frowned. “Look, you can’t just not be punished for that! It’s going to hurt you when you start big kid school if we don’t do something about it!” “The doctor told us. I heard him. He said my stomach insides are not right. He said it makes water-poops and the same thing makes me pee. And he said I wait too much, and it making me sick. And you better not make Grainne. And you better not make Cho. And you better not make the little sisters get water-poops and hit them. You better not!” Sean picked Cait up and she put her thumb in her mouth. “Dan, I wasn’t lying. I am not asking you to sign all your parents rights away. I’m asking you to let me take her to see a doctor, and I’m asking that you give her time to heal before she gets home. The doctor is really scared and says she needs surgery.” “Surgery? You’re sure?” “Dan….” Sean started to carry the wet little Cait down stairs. He glanced back only a moment. “Clean yourself up, Darling,” he told Grainne. “You and Clo get clean. Right Dan?” Daddy looked over at Grainne’s soaked clothes, supposedly Cait’s doing, and then at Clo, and he sighed. “Clean Clo first. She did piss her pants. Look at her.” And then Dan walked down with Sean and Cait. “Here are the doctor’s notes that he could release. He said you can have the full file if you petition it. You as her parent have a right. And with Power of attorney, limited power of attorney, Dan….” Cait put her finger in her mouth. Daddy can penitishun for a file. There is a power of turning? There is a limit power? So there must be a full power? “Please, to help your child stop peeing her pants the right way for once, please sign it. She’s peeing on purpose because it hurts, Dan. Yes, I know she does it on purpose sometimes, but you have to ask yourself—ten years old and forcing herself to wet her pants…. She’s scared, you will spank her. She’s hurting… it’s too hard to hold it and it hurts. And she’s got the runs all the time. That’s not normal, Dan. You can’t be that stupid!” “Are you calling me stupid?” “No sir. I’m saying you are NOT that stupid. So I get the problem. You have five girls. Little money, and don’t know how to solve it. I’m the answer, Dan. She stays with me until December, and then we re-assess. If she’s better and doesn’t have the runs all the time, she can come back. If she’s still got the runs, then we let her heal where there is a resource for it.” “What means resserce?” Cait asked. “Later,” Sean rubbed her wet leg and nodded at Daddy. “We need to talk, little one. Quiet or I’ll have to make you get down and go play.” Dan looked up into Sean’s eyes, a beer in his hand but not drinking at the moment, and he took a heavy breath. “Sean…. Grainne pees her pants, like all the time. I’ve her the same as I do Cait, but she doesn’t stop. Do you think she needs to see a doctor, too?” “Probably, Dan.” “You prove to me you can fix Cait,” Dan whispered. “If Cait just stops shitting her pants, then I’ll let you help Grainne next. But you have to prove it. I’m not going to send all my girls away to you if I don’t see any reason to.” “That sounds fair, Dan, but we should at least find out a bit about how bad her wetting her pants is. If she’s hurt bad… she should see a doctor sooner.” “I need her for the farm, though.” “Dan. She won’t be able to work if she can’t stand. And I’ll tell you, it’s no fun leaving your child to die because there was something you could have done, but you didn’t know you could. You need to do something and make sure. I… I’ll give you money, Dan. Just to get her checked this time, if you want. I’ll give you money to get her checked. If the doctor tells you to do something, you do it.” “What about Roisin?” Cait asked. “She pees her pants in the day. She needs help.” “I’ll give you money to take both the girls just to get them checked, Dan. You get them checked. Can you do that?” “I can’t pay you back, Sean. I don’t know how I’ll ever repay you for Cait’s needed stuff.” “I don’t care about the money, Dan. Eiboline and I are not hurting for money. What we are hurting for, money can’t fix it, but Cait has been a great help to us. Maybe a little more time seeing family would be more than enough payment, with kids acting like kids and not scared to pee when it’s not their fault, maybe?” Cait saw the ghost, standing next to Roisin, and shaking its head. There was a sorrowful frown on the ghost’s face, and the ghost started peeing, only Roisin was peeing. Roisin put her finger in her mouth, and she started crying and the ghost faded. “Daddy? Roisin is scared. You can’t yell?” But Cait knew he was going to yell. She knew it with her whole feeling inside and the whole ghost that predicted it just as it was about to go. The ghost was still there. Daddy… he doesn’t change. Chapter 50 I Am Cait The ghost was floating over Grainne as Cait saw her sisters waving goodbye, her mom behind them, and Dan at Sean’s window. “I’ll take Grainne and Roisin first thing on Monday. That means Clo will have to try to do as much as she can by herself, though.” “Daddy?” Cait whispered holding Kookaberry tight in her arms. “Let Clo pee her pants. Please. Not because she wants to, but because she wants to do the work you asked her, and she wants to keep her panties on in the field like you want. And it’s impossible to both stay dry and not pull down your panties if you are outside for that long. Can please? Can she pee on purpose?” Dan sighed. “Fine. If the elder sisters are doing the work to help the family, then they have permission to just pee their pants, both of them.” “Okay. I want to hug you now.” Dan’s eyes did this kind of strange knit thing where his crossed eyes were not mad eyes, but just like… as if… Cait proved that little hand 4 and big hand 10 was actually the time 4:10 instead of 4: whatever it’s supposed to be. He walked over, and Cait opened the car door and she hugged him. She looked right at Grainne, and she said… “Pee your pants sometimes, for me, big sister. Don’t hold it when you outside, please?” Dan looked back at Grainne, and he sighed. “Go ahead, little darling. The belt disappeared anyway. I won’t be needing it for a while.” Cait looked down at the ground and saw where Daddy’s tires always ran over the same path in the yard. The grass was bent and brown there. There was more dirt showing. She didn’t know how it meant to her yet, but it felt like it was supposed to be there. She sighed and looked up at Daddy. “I’m wet. You don’t have to pick me up. I didn’t take a bath or change my wet underwears yet. You scared me too much. I had to come with Uncle Sean and make sure you didn’t hit Clo for leaving when I told you to tell her to away from the bathroom, and stomping so I heard her.” Dan frowned. “Well, can I hold you for a minute?” “Only if you don’t care I peed again in the living room and got it on Uncle, so I’m more wet than you think.” “I don’t think I mind. You girls come and hug your sister for real,” Dan hugged her and then even patted her wet butt. “It’s not that bad, I guess, that you pee. And when the doctor gets done, you can finally learn not to pee your pants, too.” “Yeah. Maybe.” “Grainne, did you hear, darling. Come and hug your sister. You might not see her again until Christmas. All you kids! Hug your sister!” Cait saw the ghost, clear as day. It stayed over Grainne until they were out of the proper-ately. And then the ghost slowly vanished from Cait’s eyes as Grainne became less visible. “Daddy?” Cait leaned up to the front. “Do you think the other Daddy will really let Clo pee and not be mean now he knows she doing it to not be lazy at the farm?” “Hon, I can’t tell you what your Daddy thinks. I will tell you this, he can’t dismiss what you said gives him what he wants.” “What that meets?” Cait asked. “Desimessit?” “What I mean, Cait, is your Daddy wants the elder girls to work on the farm. He wants them to take less breaks. And he wants them not to pull their panties down outside. I don’t understand the not pulling their pants down. There is no one around to see them if they do, but it is something he wants. You hit all those marks. The only thing he is giving up, is dry daughters. You made it better for him to accept your deal than to not accept it because he knows now, that the girls can’t wait like that.” “So… he going to let Clo pee her pants and not hit her?” “If he’s smart, he will. Grainne heard him make a promise to you, and Grainne can write, Cait. If you want to write her to ask how she’s doing, we can help you write. You can ask her if Daddy is hitting them when they are in the field or for what happens in the field.” “You write it down for me?” Cait asked. “No, sweetheart. You have to write it. We will help you. You can’t learn by people doing the things you want to do yourself for you all the time.” Cait sighed. “Okay. I can do it, if Daddy-Sean helps me.” The adults in the front looked at each other. “And Auntie-grandma,” Sean insisted. “Sometimes I have to work the farm, and this paper Dan gave us…, it’s not a done deal. I will be busy a lot, Cait-a-kins. I’ll need Auntie to help you, too.” “Okay. I love Auntie-grandma, too. It’s just… I’m allowed to pee my pants in your lap.” “No one said you can’t wet on Auntie’s lap,” Eiboline whispered. “But… it not the same, Auntie. You… I love you too much, and you… um… repectability is more. I repect to Uncle too, but Uncle is safe like I can pee and he just dirty wit me. But you… you teaching me like teacher. And you… I don’t want to wet against you. Am I bad?” “No, sweetheart. You are learning roles that work for you, and that’s okay.” “Rolls? Like gym class rolling or like dice rolling?” “Cait, you are learning that different people mean different things to you. It’s okay to love each person differently. That’s what you are supposed to do,” Auntie said. “But Cait, you can still pee on me if you need help and Uncle Sean’s not there. I’ll never get the belt for peeing in your pants or getting me wet.” “Okay.” They drove into town and after dinner with Cait still in wet panties, they finally went to a motel. “I’m sorry, love,” Sean told Cait. “I did mean to get you cleaned up sooner, but I wasn’t going to let your Daddy scare you there, and well, we just now got the chance. So we are staying the night here tonight, and we’ll go home tomorrow. You can take a bath by yourself if you want?” Cait frowned. “I want Daddy-Sean. I got poop in my underwears.” “Oh, okay. That’s smart of you to get help when you’ve got poop there, hon. It’s really hard for a Kid even your eldest sister’s age to clean up right.” “I know. I cleaned Grainne, well helped her. She didn’t let me wipe her. But she didn’t want me to touch, but she had to keep asking where it was and had to let me help at the last, and she hated it.” “That’s because she’s a teenager, hon. It feels different to be cleaned up as a little kid than as a teenager, and worse, when the person helping is someone you’re supposed to be helping.” “I know Grainne does a lot.” “Well, let’s get yo a bath, little one.” Cait smiled and reached up at Sean, Kookiberry in one of her hands as she held her arms up. “I gonna clean my panties out, Auntie. But I need help. You show me like you do the floor?” “Of course, sweetheart. After your bath.” As Eiboline started to dress Cait in her pajamas, Uncle now needing a bath because he hadn’t changed since Cait peed on him when they arrived at the farm, even. He’d been in her piss all day, and not said one word, and now he was showering while Eiboline helped Cait with her hair. “Help Auntie count,” Eiboline requested of Cait. “Remember, 100 strokes, but we count in Gaelic?” “Why Garlic?” “Because, sweetheart. It’s the roots of Auntie and Mama. It means we love you enough to teach you about your roots, too.” “Oh.” Cait clapped. “Okay. I’ll learn to count to one hundred in Garlic!” “Gaelic, sweetheart. And it’s okay. You’ll learn to say it right, in time.” She started counting and Cait relaxed against her. The counting was hippo-not-attack. It put Cait to sleep before they got to eighty. Over a small town in Missouri, dark fat clouds float slowly by far above the peace below. Most of the cars have returned to driveways, garages, and roadsides, to rest. Most of the buildings are mostly dark. There is hardly any movement. A lone dragon fly buzzes down near the farm and looks in a window here and there. Could it see Grainne, in a wet bed? Could it see Roisin doing what Cait told her to do, and pee the bed on purpose? Could it see Dan, looking in his closet for a new belt to put by the bathtub? Could it see Clo pulling her littlest sister tight and whispering her to sleep? The dragon fly flew off. The hours are moving, But the town is not paying attention. Not enough people are awake to care how fast time is working. Only the dragon fly moving over fields and looking in windows as it approaches the town, approaches the motel window, sees a little girl with her thumb in her mouth and bear in her elbow, surprised awake and looking around before looking down at her lap and the bed. “I peed the bed,” Cait whispered but her Auntie was still asleep. Auntie’s night dress was wet. Her butt was even wet. Cait made Auntie wet. She whispered. “Sorry.” She felt the bed between her legs. It was soggy. She let it all out. She peed. She sighed and scooted closer to Uncle Sean where the bed was dryer, and didn’t make a fuss. She just went back to sleep, putting an arm around his big heavy chest. Even in his sleep, his hand remembered Cait’s little hand, and it patted her tenderly and she closed her eyes. Chapter 51 A Cricket and a Dragon Fly Cait felt it as she woke. Her body was peeing again, and her leg was somehow caught between uncle’s legs, causing her pee to go right on him. He didn’t pull his leg away though. He just pulled her little body in close to him as she peed on him. And brushed her hair from her eyes. “Baby? Are you okay?” Cait didn’t mind Uncle calling her baby. She knew when HE said it, it never meant that she was being a five year old that wets the bed, or that she needs diapers or a bottle. He always said it when she was feeling most in need of a hug, and he hugged her and kissed her head like always. He didn’t say anything about why she needed him. She knew he knew though. “Did I pee again?” Cait asked. “Again?” Sean asked puzzled. “Last night, I woke up. I act a see dently peed and Auntie’s butt got wet. I scooted away to a dry place to sleep, and you held my hand and I went to sleep. But now, you’re wet, and I think I just felt it go a little bit.” “Cait? Remember what we said about pee and bad being together?” “It not no sense because you pee or you don’t pee. It’s not amount or how yellow that matters is, but how heart is feeling?” “Good girl. Now, if your heart is hurting, let me help it by saying I’m glad you felt safe enough to pee against me that you didn’t wake up and lose sleep over it. Let me also let you know, Auntie doesn’t mind. There’s a shower in the other room that works, and you’re not dirty, child.” The morning went quickly. “We need to get home today, Cait. Want to stop at McDonalds for breakfast?” Uncle Sean asked. “She’s not going anywhere until I wash her up. She’s going to be cleaned from any lingering shame from that man and that farm,” Eiboline put her foot down. “She wanted you to hold her last night and bathe her. I agree, she needed that. But this morning, we move past that, and Auntie bathes her not to just comfort, but to make her feel clean. That man… honestly… I’ll need a week of showers before I’ll feel clean of his presence.” “Now,” Sean’s favorite word. There was a chirping sound in the bathroom. Not a bird sound, but a sound… maybe a grasshopper? Six visions of a little girl, one on top, one on the bottom, two in the upper left and right and two in the lower bottom right. A vision held by one little bug in one little corner of the small bathroom. A taller woman whose brown hair was getting lighter in color by the day. It was magical, like it changed colors. Cait heard of a story once, of a girl that changed like that. But that was a magic story her third grade teacher once read to the class. It was called something like… A Spell for Cameon. She never understood why the title was Spell in it. They never did spell any words. Cait didn’t even understand that the book was called for Cameon, but the main Carrkter wasn’t even Cameon. It was a boy who tried to leave that magic place because everyone used magic on him, but he didn’t have his own to use back. And then the girl… she didn’t have magic she likes. In a month, she had like it is 8 days of very pretty but dumb like an Ox. Then 7 days she was normal. Then seven days she was smart like the grand Ajax principal of all schools but ugly like a big fat toad. Then she had eight more days of normal… no… that’ can’t be because then it normal again. It not exactly that. But she was pretty sometimes, smart sometimes, and normal sometimes, and she didn’t like it cause pretty is always dumb and smart is always ugly. Cait frowned. If only I was at least pretty even if I stupid… or if I was smart even if I am red hair, freckles and pizza face, and dirty poopy panties always? But no… I stinky, dumb, and all the worst. At least Cameon got away from the worst parts sometimes. Kookaberry whispered. “Cait! That’s Daddy. You are too little to know if you will be pretty and you are smart. Uncle says so. You can’t read paper, but you can read people. You can do numbers on paper or tell lines on a clock, but you know how to measure in sugar in eggs without some paper, and you know how times works that you get. You can even track time on a clock, even if you call it different. You not stupid. You just don’t think the way the teachers want, and they never told you how. It’s their fault.” Cait sucked her thumb for a moment, and then she popped it out and she whispered. “What if you did read the book at me again, the Spell for Cameon?” “If I can find it, Cait, we can read it together. Sounds like another library trip, to me.” Uncle seemed to hear her thinking out loud again, and he spoke a little louder so she’d hear. “I’d be happy to help you read it, Cait. I know you can do it, if you just have some help and the right person to take turns with you so you can see how it’s read as well as help you read it. Your mama should have been reading with you all this time, but I dare say Dan thought what Dan thought.” Cait frowned. She knew Uncle was avoiding saying words… words she wasn’t allowed to stay about herself. Uncle Sean wasn’t like Daddy. He told Cait she wasn’t allowed to say stupid and dirty about herself. Those were his bad words. He didn’t smack her butt or threaten soap in her mouth for saying fucker. It was like fucker is like stupid to him, and stupid was like fuck! That’s the way Uncle made it seem. Chapter 52 A Foal, Foal, Foal for You Cait was laid out across the back seat, the bear in her arms, one leg off the seat and the other leg down the back crease of it. Her head just near one door. She was breathing heavy and she had a full tummy of McDonalds pancakes, a peaceful mind that she was heading home, and hope that her big sisters were not going to be punished for working the field and scared of peeing in their pants while they do it. Cait didn’t dream. A black bird left the roof of McDonalds, and it flew up into the sky. It followed the car along the streets and out to the highway. It was a smooth driving vehicle, the tires on is rolling along the road as it should. It joined thousands of cars that could be seen the further up in the sky the bird flew. Then the bird disappeared. The first time on this road towards West-Con-sen, Cait was wearing a skirt that was stained, like she was. She was bag of trouble that Daddy was putting away for a while with these strangers. She was in the car, and when she woke up, he told her it was a three hours drive, but she already peed her pants. She was ashamed she didn’t even make it very long. Daddy said it was still three hours. She didn’t even wait ten adult minutes or whatever the time it was slept. She sighed. Cait didn’t know when, but she woke. She rubbed her eyes, and her skirt felt soaked. She felt her skirt, soaked. She felt the seat under her, skirt. Her back was wet, her seat all over. Then her underpants, had squishy in it. She pooped her pants. She knew Daddy would let her off if she peed a little bit and the pee was just on the floor in one part of the seat… but this was all over. “You’re not with Daddy,” Kookaberry whispered. “You’re with Uncle-Daddy? Be member? You’re with the man who says you are supposed to be okay peeing on him, and he touches your poopy butt. We don’t care what Daddy says. Be member yesterday?” “You pooped your pants, though Cait. In the car. All oven Uncle Sean’s nicer car. Even if he’s not mad, you caused him trouble.” Chomp! The seat under her was wet everywhere. Trying to change her pants wasn’t going to do anything. The whole seat was peed on. She sat up and with a heavy sigh, she leaned to the front. She stare ahead at the road ahead. “What is it, love?” Auntie asked. “I peed sleeping.” Eiboline looked back, and she saw the wet seat. “It’s okay, pet. It’s not a big deal. You just sit tight. Uncle will stop for gas and lunch soon, and we’ll figure it out, okay?” Cait put her finger in her mouth. “I know you say that. You always say that. But this is Uncle’s nicer car. I think I had water-poops.” “We both expected that to start, Cait. You’d been drinking those bottles of formula stuff the doctor gave you between yesterday and last night.” “I thought I wasn’t apposed to have watery poops though.” “Cait, what he said, was it would take time for it to work.” “But what about not having watery-poops?” “It’s just trying to soften your poopies so they go through you, and you’ll probably poop your pants a few more times today, hon. Don’t be scared of it.” “I not Scared, Auntie. I just don’t want water-ones. I can’t hold it at all when it’s watery.” “Once the medicine has done it’s work, you should be able to poop normal for a few days.” “Okay.” Cait sat back and put her thumb in her mouth. She was pouting. Pouting at the medicine not doing its job fast enough, at mama for letting Daddy hit Roisin, at Grainne for being so scared of Daddy that she can’t even wet her pants for her own good…. She was mad at the world! Cait looked around and with her thumb in her mouth, she saw the gas station that daddy filled up when they drove towards Uncle’s the first time, or at least she thought it was the same. It looked right. “Daddy,” Cait told him on the way to the cousins the first time they were about this far. “I’m gonna pee my pants.” It was a whisper, a plea to stop, Daddy responded with “Go ahead.” Cait sat back in shock at first. She couldn’t help but listen to the ghost retell the past. “Look, Cait. You’re gross. You’d no doubt already peed heavily in your panties. You never say you have to go until you are peeing in your panties. You just sit there and pee. We’ll be at your cousin’s house soon enough.” Cait had her hands in her lap trying not to let the pre-pee get worse. “I promise, I won’t pee my panties if you let me go!” “And how are you supposed to go, Cait? I can’t take you in the mens, and you are not going in all alone, out here? Where you can be kidnapped? Just piss your pants like you always do.” He wasn’t mad when he said it, but he made it seem like Cait just does it. She had been shaking and started to cry as it started going in her pants that time…. Then… it was Uncle who was opening her door, and he was helping her out of the car. “Oh, poor little lass. It’s okay. We’ll make this comfortable for you, hon. Just. Let me take you to the girls’ room. Your Auntie will have to help you change so I can clean this seat up for you and have a dry place for you to sit.” Cait looked up at Uncle-Daddy. “I can help clean it.” “You could,” Uncle said. “But right now, what I want, is for a big ten year old to feel herself, and clean in nice dry clothes. You need to get clean. And I would be happy to be the one cleaning you, but this needs cleaned up, and Auntie would love to help. You love Auntie, right?” Cait smiled and reached out for Auntie. Uncle lifted her up and held her. “I’ll take you in the bathroom, then you let Auntie help while you are in there. Uncle will clean the seat. Good girl,” and like always, he patted her messy skirt like it didn’t bother him. He always showed her, her messy wasn’t a problem, only her hurting heart bothered him. Sean put Cait on the floor in the bathroom, and he hugged her. “You let Auntie help this time, little pet. It’s okay. It’s nobody’s business why you got poopy in your underpants unless you want to tell someone. No one is going to be here long enough to care that she see a big girl with messy pants on, hon.” He kissed her cheek. “Alright, pet. Let’s get your skirt off. You’re a big girl. You can do that, can’t you?” Cait smiled at Auntie. “In the outside here?” “Well…. Do you want to sit on the potty and try to go more in the toilet?” “Can I… try?” “Of course, hon. But I want to wipe your butt with water first so when you get up, you don’t have poop on the seat for the next person that has to sit down. If they are almost to pee their pants, and they have to wipe your poopy, it might make them pee their pants. Do you want another little girl that might have a hard Daddy like yours be caused to wet herself?” Cait shook her head no. “So, it’s only right I try to clean your butt off first, even if you poop while I’m doing it, okay?” “Okay.” Auntie kissed my forehead as she started to clean my butt off. It felt so good getting it off. I relaxed and hugged Auntie while she got it clean as she could, and then she guided me to the toilet and as soon as I sat naked waist down, I felt the water pouring from my butt. She was right. I did have it coming out, but it wasn’t like normal poop. When I looked in the toilet, it was clear stuff coming out. There was a little brown but mostly clear. “You’re almost cleaned out,” Auntie told me. “But the medicine will probably still make some messes in your underpants on the way home again, maybe more than once. Are you okay?” The stall door was open, and Auntie was looking in my eyes as she talked to me. She had some clean underwears in her hands for me, and she was smiling. “I’m okay. Thank you not making drive three hours in poopy pants.” “Cait, three hours? Honey, we still have like five hours to go. You just went about three hours from the motel, so your Uncle and I were not surprised you’d had to use the toilet or maybe wet yourself, hon. Even Auntie has to go right now, but you’re more important.” “Not to me, Auntie. If you gotta go, you need to go. If it’s important I don’t hold it, how come you holding it? You sit on the toilet now, if you don’t want me trying to hold myself to not pee.” Auntie frowned. “We’re making you strongly opinionated, aren’t we?” She giggled. “I’ll go as long as you promise to stay right there until I can help you and make sure the poopy gets wiped enough that you feel clean when we put you back in the car.” “Okay.” Back at the car, Cait knew that Uncle sometimes controlled Auntie, but it was always different than Daddy’s. It was with love. When Sean tried to control Auntie, it was with kindness and not with threats. He asked her opinions to make her relax. He said “Now” at her to help her calm down. He lightly touched her shoulders. That’s Uncle-Daddy’s control. A soft word, a light touch, a question—never a threat, a rush to accuse, or telling her she failed. “Uncle-Daddy? I had to tell Grainne to pee her pants outside. I had to tell her she’s still the big sister even when she should pee her pants so she doesn’t hurt herself.” “Now.” “But that’s it, isn’t it? If Grainne should pee her pants to not be sick because she can’t not pee all day and do daddy’s work, too…. How come Auntie gets to take care of me when I already made my pants a mess, but she’s doing a Grainne dance. You know. The one where no one that looks at her not knowing doesn’t know, but if you know her, you know she going to pee her pants? How come Auntie does that if I not allowed to hold my pee pee in with my hands?” Sean frowned. “I don’t know, Eiboline. We have to set an example. Maybe she’s right. Just maybe use the toilet and then clean her up after you are clean. Let’s not confuse her. I’ll do the same.” Like they promised Cait, they cleaned up her clothes and her body as best a gas station bathroom can make her clean, then they took her to get lunch at a small restaurant with lots of trucks around, and then they were on the road again. Cait felt the road change under her, and she jolted awake. She was soaked and had gross stuff in her underpants again. Auntie said she knew it would happen. Cait leaned forward once again. “I did it again, Auntie. A lot this time. I think I pooped everything in there!” “Good girl, Cait. We’re almost home. We’ll change you soon.” “How long?” “Sean?” “Maybe ten or fifteen minutes, Cait. That’s the hand there on the car clock. When it moves up to the eleven, we should see the house if we aren’t getting you out yet.” “Okay. It’s about to come out again.” “Just do it, hon. Don’t hold it right now,” Sean told her. “We’ll clean you up real soon, I promise. But Cait, the doctor says you’re bladder is going get hurt if you hold it too much. Just pee, babe, and if poopy comes with it, it’s okay.” “I already doing it before you said I could.” “Well, that’s just your body telling you what I already told you. That’s good. Your body needs to keep you healthy, hon. You listen to your body when it comes to needing the toilet. Not teachers, not Daddy and not even Uncle Sean. You listen to your body and if it’s already pushing, you go ahead and finish in your panties, even the really gross stuff, okay?” “Okay.” The car pulled around and to the front of the house at 5:30 in the afternoon… or evening. Arnold’s car was still there, and Cait could hear noises outside and inside the house. The door to the house opened when Sean was opening Cait’s door, and Liam ran out to meet her halfway. “Liam, later, lad,” Sean whispered. “Cait will talk when she’s feeling confident again. She’s… still being affected by the medicine the doctor gave her on Thursday. So she needs some space.” “Oh, of course,” Liam stepped back seeing the messy dress back and the sagging panties trying to droop under the poor messy girl. “Cait! Your farm horse had it’s baby. You probably want to see as soon as you are ready!” “Really?” Cait looked up at Uncle-Daddy. “Can we see the new horse first?” “No, hon. Cleaned up body and clean underwears first, then horse, okay?” “Okay.” A few minutes later, there was ruckus upstairs. Cait was being difficult, but it wasn’t really her trying to be bad. She was just excited and couldn’t wait to go see the new horse! Cait was still fighting Auntie Eiboline even as Eiboline was trying to put her real shirt on over her undershirt and trying to get some shorts on over her Underwears. "Daddy says no one will see me. I want to see the hose." “Cait, no one will see when no one is visiting. Arnold and his boys are here….” “They family!” Cait said. “Uncle likes them, good for me!” “Cait, no, hon… you are going to be eleven soon. Please, just let me put some shorts on you.” “Why? It’s almost bedtime. And I’ll pee them anyways.” “Cait! I don’t care if you pee them. The boys out there are not little kids. I don’t want them seeing you in just underwears.” “Then hurry! Before the sun goes down and I can’t see the new horse…. Summerstone!” “Summer stone?” “One word,” Cait said with her thumb in her mouth. Summerstone. It’s the baby’s name!” “Who said you were going to name the horse, baby?” “Well, I don’t know any of the cows names, but I don’t care. I going to look at each and every animal starting tomorrow, and I’m going to hear their names without someone saying it. I going to know them. And the horse. It cries on the air and it says it name is Summerstone.” Auntie smiled and finished dressing her, but Cait didn’t wait after her shirt was on her. She ran down the stairs and towards the back door. Sean had just come back in from outside when he saw Cait’s hair all over the place still running wet water all over her clean shirt, and her socks were wet from water. She had not even let Eiboline dry her off proper. “Hey, are you done with your bath?” “Yeah. Yeah. Yeah! Summerstone calling me. I going to see Summerstone!” “What’s Summerstone, Cait?” “The new baby! It been crying it’s name since we got here! Can you hear the air?” Sean put a steady hand on Cait. “This is serious. I put the bulls closer to warn us, but it’s turning dark out.” “Please don’t tell me it’s too dark to see Summerstone?” Cait eyes felt heavy pressure and soreness in them. Her throat tightened. Her chest hammered inside her. Her legs were trying to find a way around Daddy Sean. “No, babe. I would not tell you that on a day like today. You can see, but it is dark. Rules, Cait.” Cait looked up at him. “I carry you to the barn where the horses are. You watch, but you don’t touch yet. Your little Summerstone gets used to its mama, first. It needs it’s mama for a few weeks, so it’s important that you don’t interfere with nature. Once it’s ready to go on little adventures with you, you can start leading it out. Summerstone will be yours.” “Mine?” “But Cait, a real baby needs you. You can’t take a break like you can at school. This isn’t just some homework assignment you don’t get. It’s life. If you need help, you ask me for advice, but Summerstone is your responsibility. Are you ready for that?” “I think….” Sean bent down, tucked her dress up so she was covered, and then everyone went back to the barn. The Arnold boys and their Daddy, Auntie and the Arnold mommy, and then Uncle Sean carrying the still giddy Cait, though her joy was stunted by a sudden realization. She could be a little mommy, but was she ready? Could she not mess up? Could she be trusted? Sean set her down by the wood gate that kept out danger. “It’s alright, Ginger,” Uncle Sean talked to the mama. “Your foal is safe. No one is touching her right now. You go ahead and parent your child, mama. Do as nature intends.” Cait listened to Uncle Sean calm and respect the mama horse. He didn’t talk to her like she was a cat in the house or even a dog on a hunt. No, he talked to her like she was important and like he knew that she was the baby horse’s mama. “When you respect animals, and understand that God specifically created them just like he did us, and that each mother has responsibilities that help its young thrive, then the animals respect you as a keeper who helps them when they need help.” “That’s what you meant, we listen to animals? We respected them. Then the bulls don’t stab your chest?” “Well, that’s pretty much it, yeah.” “What’s a keeper do if the baby already has a mommy?” Cait asked Uncle Daddy. “A keeper, is a person that helps the mama with things that mama doesn’t have a way of getting. In a way, humans have other humans as keepers. Do you know the idea of my brothers’ keeper from the Cain and Able story?” Cait shook her head. “Well, God asked Cain. Where is your brother? Cain answered: Am I my brother’s keeper?” It’s a simple message, but that very thinking is why some doctors don’t need to charge as much money as standard doctors charge. That thinking is why some teachers try harder than they have to, and that thinking is why you will care for the little horse in ways its mommy can’t.” “Okay.” “Look, Cait,” he pointed at the foal. It was was trying to stand up, now. He couldn’t have even been that old. “You can do it, Summerstone. Stand up,” Cait cheered. Chapter 53 Summerstone First, Auntie! Cait sat down by the gate with Kookaberry in her arms, her thumb in her mouth, and she watch through the gate. “You can talk to dad,” Liam, a big boy about Grainne’s age, I think, still a kid but bigger and the younger of the boys for Arnold told Uncle-Daddy. “I’ve got the little girl. I won’t let nothing happen.” Uncle Sean looked down at Cait on the ground. “I need to talk about the farm with Arnold. If you want your Auntie or me, you know the trail to get home?” Cait nodded. “You put a big ol’ sign over there to tell me where the well, the pen, the house, and the no-no land is. I promise, I won’t go to the X until you say so.” “Are you okay if I tell you do what Liam says?” “Yeah, if he not mean.” Uncle Sean bent down. “Well, give me a hug then, and when the sun starts to hide behind that hill over there, it’s time to go inside, okay?’ Don’t wait for all the light to be out of the sky.” “Okay.” Cait looked up at the boy. “I pee my pants, but you can’t touch. Uncle Daddy and Auntie-grandma help me if I need, and Auntie made me change my own wet pants last night. She’s teaching me to do it myself. I don’t need help like a baby. I need help like a doctor to make it my control again.” Liam smiled. “I never pegged you a baby, Cait.” “You lying. You saw poop in my falling down boy underpants!” “I saw a little girl that was exhausted from a long trip that had an accident in the car. That’s not a baby. That’s a kid that didn’t have a bathroom when she needed one. That’s never your fault if the bathroom isn’t right there. Lots of kids between like maybe 8 and maybe 14 poop their pants on vacations because the car trip takes a little bit.” “You lying.” “I am? Well, you can ask your Uncle-Daddy if you want later. It’s not even my business if you poop your pants at home. That’s between you and your Aunt and Uncle. If I babysit, you, I’m not changing your wet pants. You’re too old for me to change your clothes for you. I’m just watching you don’t get into something that can hurt you.” “Look,” Liam pointed Cait’s attention away from the uncomfortable truth she was stating. “Look. It’s curious. It’s looking at us.” “He’s looking at me.” “How do you know it’s a he?” Liam asked. “Same way I know his name is Summerstone,” Cait shrugged. “He told me.” Liam frowned scratching his head. “He told you, just like that?” “Yeah. Uncle said if you listen, the animals talk.” “But they don’t talk human, Cait.” “That why you gotta listen, right? Because they tell you but you have to learn their talk!” He shook his head. Something looked confusing to him. “You are sure this horse is a boy?” Liam asked, his hand scratching his head.” “What’s up, Liam?” the older boy came out. “This girl, who’s never seen a horse, a cow or nothing, from all the way over here… she knows that the horse had a boy baby!” The other boy laughed. “Sean probably told her or maybe our Dad told Sean and she over heard, Liam. Don’t be so gullible!” I didn’t like the older boy as much after that. He didn’t believe me, that the farm can talk and animals are smart. I don’t like he called me a liar, too. I wasn’t lying! The air did have the baby’s voice in it, and the baby told me his name and he was a boy that was just born, maybe ten minutes before we got there! So there! “Yeah, whatever know-it-all,” Liam ribbed at his brother. “So what you still doing out here?” “The little girl wants time with the baby horse she’s just been given. I offered to babysit.” “You? You can’t even keep a group of sheep together with two trained dogs.” “Maybe not. But Cait’s not a sheep. She’s a little girl that can tell me where she’s going and why. I don’t have to direct dogs to chase her down. I just ask and know where she wants to go.” “And if she potties her pants?” “She’s ten. She doesn’t.” “Yes, I do,” I whispered. “The doctor gotta fix it. But until he fix it… I poop and pee my pants. That what I told you before.” Liam frowned. “So? You’re still not a baby. You can tell me we need to go to the house so you can change your pants, right?” “Yeah.” “See? So I was wrong and thought she pooped because she’s a little kid on a long car ride. Doesn’t change the fact she can tell me if she wets her pants and she needs me to take her to the house so she can change.” “Whatever, bro. Just watch her carefully. She’s a little kid. She’ll run off on you.” “No I won’t. Get the fuck out of here, ghost!” Both boys looked shocked at her. “Cait, you can’t talk to big people like that!” Liam whispered as the older boy walked away his face red and his fist slamming into his hand. “Talk to big people like what?” “You telling my big brother to go away and saying fuck to his face?” “I wasn’t talking to him.” “Cait, he just said something that would have made any little kid defend herself. I heard you. You said, exactly, Go the fuck away, ghost.” "I was telling the ghost to go away," Cait said. Liam frowned. "But you said it to my brother's face." "No. I said it to the ghost." "Cait—" "The ghost was putting those words in his head. Those my Daddy's words. Not his." Liam didn't say anything. He just waited. "The ghost told him I was bad. That I potty my pants like a baby. That I do bad things like run away." "Do you?" Cait looked down. "I do wander. But Uncle-Daddy told me it getting dark. And I know why he said don't go nowhere but the trail. And I heard him say you babysitting me. So I wouldn't run away." She looked up at Liam. "I promised Uncle-Daddy I listen to you. And if I promise my Uncle-Daddy, I don't break those promises. Honest." Liam nodded slowly. "I told the ghost to go away. Not your brother." Liam nodded. “Okay. I mean, he was being mean. But Cait. No one will believe a ghost told him to talk like that.” “I know. I just don’t know why I the only one that can see the ghost!” “Why come your brother said that about you and sheep and dogs?” Cait asked her thumb in her mouth as she looked back at the horses, watching the colt now shake on its feet. “Well, one day last week, we had a job to help someone with their sheep, and a couple of sheep got away from my two dogs.” "So, he's blaming you for the dogs getting mixed up?" Cait asked. "No," Liam sighed. "I gave them confusing signals." Cait frowned. "Okay. So you pre-peed your panties a little bit. But that doesn't mean you can't keep from peeing your pants." "Cait—" "You just made a little tiny mistake. Someone corrected you. That's all." Liam shook his head. "I don't pee my pants, Cait." "Neither do Auntie-grandma. But she got her own pre-pee problems that not about peeing." Liam looked at her, confused. "You learning to control dog and sheep. You had one little almost accident. Someone helped you by telling another dog to stop the sheep." "How do you know the sheep didn't get hurt?" Cait looked at him. "Because you here and not crying in your bedroom." Liam blinked. "You love animals. You never be this happy a few days later if you caused a animal to hurt." Liam frowned. "How… how can you know that?" Cait turned back to the foal. "The horse told me." Liam sat down next to her, his arms resting on his knees. "My dad says that too, sometimes." "Says what?" "That animals tell him stuff. Stuff no one else sees." Cait looked at him. "Really?" "Yeah. He knew days before the vets came. When his animals were down. He just… knew." Cait nodded. "The horse told me." Liam smiled a little. "He lost his farm, but it wasn't because he didn't understand his animals." "Why did he lose it?" Liam shrugged. "I don't know. He doesn't talk about that part." Cait waited. The colt wobbled, took a step, wobbled again. "He told the man the other day," Liam went on. "About those three sheep. He said they don't like the new dogs." "Did the man listen?" "No. And then Daddy was right. The sheep didn't do what the dogs told them." Cait frowned. "So it wasn't your fault." "That's what Daddy said. But the man tried to say Dad was just covering for me." Cait's thumb went back in her mouth. She watched Summerstone try to stand again. "Daddy said, take this misunderstanding out of Daddy's share." "What's that mean?" "It means the man didn't pay him as much. Because he blamed me." Cait pulled her thumb out. "That's not fair." "No. But Daddy says this year is the last year he helps that man drive his sheep." "Why?" "He says a boss that doesn't trust his hand can't expect his hand to warn him when something is wrong." Cait thought about that. "So your Daddy would understand? If I told him the horse told me?" Liam looked at her. "No, Cait. Almost no one would understand that." "But—" "But if you tell him the horse told you its name and it was a boy? He would believe that." Cait looked back at the colt. "Summerstone." "Yeah," Liam said. "He'd believe that." “You nice. Can you play with me sometimes? Maybe teach me to ride when the horse big enough?” Cait looked at the colt get back up, and it walked a little. It went sideways, seemed to run sideways, but it was not good, and Cait knew before it happened, the horse fell again. “I’ll teach you to ride a horse, if my dad says I’m allowed to babysit you or something.” “That’s my pen, over there.” “Your pen?” “Yeah, where Uncle made it before we went to see my old family. He said, that way, I can wonder in and he put this fence stuff high so snakes don’t want to get in.” Liam smiled. “That’s just like Uncle Sean.” “You call him, Uncle?” “Ever since we moved here about, what… eight years ago now?” “Uncle Sean and Auntie-grandma are nice, right? They never mad about little stuff?” “No. They don’t get too mad about little stuff, but I learned to never ever disturb two places.” “What meets… Esterb?” “Disturb means you don’t bother something. A dresser on the second floor with a farm toy set and a field out near the front of the house, no one is allowed to go in there.” “Did Auntie tell you why?” “Not right away, but my Dad did. They lost their son when an accident caused a bull, that was stomping at a big snake, to accidentally punch its horn in their son’s chest.” “Yeah. I been learning about their son, everywhere. Shadow the dog is really old. She’s his dog.” “Yeah… I remember them talking about that, The Kinsellas and my Dad. My Dad asked why they didn’t get rid of it because my Dad thought it could heard sheep and Mr. Kinsella said that Eiboline would never let the dog go. He said the was about 7 years old when I was 8… about 6 years ago, so I recon the dog is about 14 or 15 years old.” “Is that old for a dog?” “Well, some dogs die around that age, some a little later, up to around 22, is the oldest I’ve ever heard.” “Shadow is really old then.” “Yeah.” “I know the dresser you’re talking about,” Cait whispered. “I sleep in the same room as it.” "You know the dresser?" Liam asked. Cait nodded. "Auntie showed me. She said if a piece falls, I can put it back. But only one at a time. And I have to put it back the way the boy had it." Liam looked at her. "She let you touch it?" "Only if it falls. And only one piece. Then I put it back before I touch another." Liam was quiet for a moment. "She never let me touch it." Cait looked at him. "Maybe she knows I know how it feels. When something is yours and someone moves it and you can't find it the same way again." “Maybe,” Liam frowned. “You been staying in the boy’s room for a week?” “Yeah.” “You wear his clothes sometimes?” “Yeah. My Daddy forgot to leave my suitcase at first. It was all I had for at first. Now I have some clothes my own, but they still put me in the boys’ stuff for the farm chores, and they comfort to me.” “Comfortable? You mean?” “Yeah.” “So… if your Aunt and Uncle had to get a paper for your dad, why he doesn’t just take you to see the doctor or something like regular dads?” Cait shrugged. “He busy. He got four more childs at the farm, and he working long times in town. That is he says my mom.” “You don’t sound like you believe that, or maybe you think there’s more to it.” “I’m a baby?” Cait shrugged. “He thinks I just peeing and pooping my pants like a baby. He doesn’t get mad about it no more, if I just don’t move when I’m doing it so I don’t make a mess.” Cait’s voice was really sad. She didn’t want him think that, but she felt it in him and the way he answered Sean wanting the papers to take her to see a doctor. “You are a baby,” the ghost whispered. “You suck your thumb?” Cait pulled her thumb out of her mouth. “I’m gonna prove I’m not a baby. I’m gonna make sure Summerstone gets fed first in the morning before me. And I going to make sure it’s hair is brushed right everyday before I play. And I’m going to make sure he knows I am there for him every time he’s worried his mama can’t get something he needs.” Liam frowned, and he stood up and pulled her to her feet. “It’s getting dark, Cait. I told your Uncle or whatever you call him that I’d take you in. But you listen to me, okay? You are not a baby. You are a capable child. You just need some help with stuff sometimes, and we all do.” “That what Uncle-Daddy says, too.” “Well, I know Uncle Sean says that. But I’m telling you, he’s right.” He took Cait’s hand. “You know there’s snakes out here, don’t you?” “Yeah, Auntie-grandma says it all the time, and Uncle-Daddy made the bulls better pens from out there in the far field to closer the house so they can stomp and moo if one gets near the house.” “Do you know how dangerous Rattlers and other venomous snakes are?” “No? But I know they scared Uncle-Daddy. If Uncle-Daddy is scared it, then it really scary.” “Well, some snakes, if they bite you, you have only about three or four minutes of life left to say goodbye. If others bite you, you might have half an hour… and half an hour, might be enough time to get you help from the hospital.” Cait shrugged. “I don’t do time, good. You can tell me a minute, and I still have to ask you if it was a minute yet, or You can tell an hour, and I don’t come back for way longer than you thinked because I don’t do time. Good.” “That’s what a clock is for.” “Yeah. I don’t do that good, too.” Liam frowned. “You can’t read a clock?” I can read it okay. I can see the little pointer is on a number and the big pointer is by a number. But I don’t say it like grownups say it. I don’t get it.” “But you know your numbers?” “Yeah. Numbers is easy. I know all the way up to a gazzillion!” “Well, do you know how to multiply?” “You mean like four timezes four?” “Well, yeah?” Cait shrugged. “I can do some of them.” Liam pushed open the kitchen door and we saw Auntie look up. “Decided to come in, did you kids?” and she was looking at Liam more than Cait. She didn’t really look that mad, but she didn’t look happy, too. “You made sure to stay on the paths we marked for her, and you made her watch the ground where she was walking, right?” “Well, no…, I didn’t….” “Liam? She needs to learn the ways of the farm and that means she comes in before it’s dark unless she’s with someone we trust… like you, but you also need to teach her to watch the ground, listen to sounds, and watch the bulls, the dog, and everything else.” “Okay. I’m sorry.” Auntie breathed in deep. “Well, no one got bit, right?” “I didn’t,” Cait said trying to be helpful. “No ma’am. I was listening and stuff. You know I was.” “Yeah, well, I want you to teach Cait to listen and watch, too, when you are with her. She’s smarter than she’s been told, and I want her to be responsible for her own safety as much as a nine year old can be.” “Yes ma’am.” “Cait, pet, can you sit at the table and eat dinner with Liam? I’m sorry I sounded sore. I just….” “The snakes scare Uncle a lot. They make you more upset than even Uncle,” Cait frowned. “I’ll try to be more careful. I promise.” “I know you will. We just haven’t really had a chance to teach you how to watch out for them yet. I’m not going to rest when you are out there until you see your first snake, and you do what you need to not show it you are there or you are interesting.” “I’m listening to everything you say, though. And Liam might not know, but I was watching how he walking back, too. I watching his eyes. They on the ground more than me.” Sean went behind her and put a hand on her back. “Now, Eiboline.” I nodded. “Now, Auntie.” Eiboline couldn’t help but smile and she turned her head too late. I saw her smile. Uncle laughed like a twenty-breath-hee hee from his throat. I don’t know why I did it, but when Auntie looked back up, she still had a smile. “Snakes are serious, Cait. You might be cute sometimes, but don’t be cute about snakes, okay?" "Okay."

Chapter 41 Do As You Wish, But … Auntie Eiboline walked in as the nurse left, the clock ticked between the eight and the nine. “We have to take a trip up to see them, Sean,” Auntie frowned. “He says that he’s not going to waste time on someone that just needs an excuse to be a baby. But we think we know better… well, he’ll sign the papers.” “That’s it then,” Sean looked at the doctor. “He’ll sign any papers we need him to.” “That’s not it, Mr. Kinsella. That’s just the beginning. We’ll get her little body free of what is in there today, and I’ll give you some medicine for her to keep her body moving for a few days, but the hospital is trying to tie my hands. The surgery can only happen once everything is in order, and this surgery needs to happen soon. Trust me.” “I peed,” Cait whispered up to the doctor. “I saw, little mouse. It happens more than you need to know. It’s okay.” Cait put her thumb back in her mouth. “So, here is the plan,” the doctor talked to Sean. “Right now, we give her some medicine to get her immediate bowels clean. If we need, we will administer it more than once. There’s no telling what is still trying to seep around and how much dried mess is in there. Once we get her immediate needs met, you go home and I’ll send you with this formula for her to drink.” “Wait,” Sean looked the doctor in the eye. You are going to clean her out so why the formula? I’m not asking you because I question you. I want Cait to understand.” He had that look he gets when he really thinks Auntie is wrong and he wants her to stop and listen to his opinion before they move past something… like he did when Auntie told him I’d feel better cleaning up the messes, and Uncle told her that it’s important that I don’t do it by myself for a while. “I’m not doubting you that Cait needs to build confidence, Eiboh. I’m asking you to look at it through her eyes for a minute. How does she know it’s clean? She needs supervision. That’s all I’m saying. Not to get it clean, but to not overdo it.” The doctor nodded. “Yes, I understand.” “No,” Sean said. “You don’t. All of her teachers, all of the people that should have understood, they assumed that oh, I’ll just talk to her like a child. No. Talk to her and make sure she feels comfortable with what you are saying. She’s not a toddler and understands more than people credit her for, but she is also used to people just saying I’ll do this for you, and what they’ve done, is hurt her. Talk to her.” The doctor looked like he was about to defend his education, his experience, everything that makes him a doctor and Sean, not. But after a breath or two of looking at Sean like Daddy would have if Uncle Sean talk to daddy like that, the doctor calmed down. “You’re right. I haven’t spent the time I needed to understand her, but since you have, I’ll tell you what we are doing, but we don’t do anything until you’ve had time to explain it to her. How would that be?” Uncle nodded. “That’s as it should be. You’re the professional. I’m just Cait’s filter for understanding what you want.” Cait’s breath relaxed as the two adults came to an agreement. Sean turned to Cait. “Everything we do right now is not a punishment. You never deserved anything that we must do, but it has to be done to make you healthy pet. So, let me explain part one. Before I do, what are you scared of?” “What if I pee?” “You likely will pee, Cait. It’s not a big deal. We don’t want the pee inside anyway, so it’s doing as it should if it comes out, even on the floor.” “Okay….” Cait put her thumb in her mouth for a moment but squirmed back to face Sean before he continued. “Will it hurt?” “It will be uncomfortable, Cait. It will not be like getting hit with the belt, but it will be very uncomfortable. It has to happen, though, and I’m so sorry it has to happen.” “I’m big. It can hurt a little. I don’t mind.” “Okay, so I’m going to start telling you what the doctor wants to do, step by step, as he does it so you know at least as much as I do about it, and how uncomfortable I think it might be. You stop us at any time if you have questions. I can’t promise we can stop a procedure once it’s started,” Uncle Sean looked at the doctor’s careful stare that said don’t promise that. “But we’ll stop at a good stopping point to explain anything you need, okay?” “Okay. I’m ready.” Sean adjusted Kookaberry in her arms. “The doctor has to put medicine in your bottom. He needs you to try to hold that medicine in for a bit.” “Twenty minutes,” the doctor said in the background. “It’s the time it takes the clock to turn to four full numbers, or the time it takes for you to usually take a bath.” “That’s a long time, Daddy.” “I know. The doctor says you need to try. If it comes out early, no one will be mad, but we will have to do it again.” “Okay.” It was put something slippery but hard against my butt, and then I felt something pushing in. It was… not exactly hurting. I didn’t like it, but it was just pushing. My tummy hated it more. It moved like it was going in circles or something. Then it seemed to start filling up. They stopped. “I’m gonna poop!” I said to Sean. “I don’t want to poop on the floor.” “I know,” Sean whispered to me. “But you said no diapers. They told me they normally put a diaper on a kid when they are doing this, especially if this is the first time.” “I don’t want a diaper.” “I know. That’s why you don’t have on one, sweetie.” “Not like this, though.” “You can sit on the potty chair over there.” I looked up at the doctor, and he nodded to it. “No.” I frowned. “It’s okay if you see… but no supposed to watch you on the toilet except Daddy or Mommy. But Asept you and Auntie. Daddy said you my Daddy right now, so you can. But… what if Doctor comes in?” “Cait, what do you want? You’ll have to go sooner than later, baby. We need to know what you want.” Cait’s face blushed. “I’m… Used to…,” but she looked down tears rolling down her cheeks. “I heard, you, sweet girl,” Sean patted her back. “Eiboh. Get a pair of her underwears.” “With the toilet right there?” “Yes, Eiboh. Please. She’s demanding it as close to demanding she’s gotten to. This is about her feeling enabled, not about where or what she goes in. I’ll even wash them out.” Auntie smiled. “No, Sean. You’re right, and besides, I can teach her how to clean them out herself if we do it together.” “Put ‘em now,” Cait started stomping her feet, crying, and clutching Kookaberry tighter. “Hurry!” “Cait, can you wait a little more?” “No. It’s coming. Please.” Sean frowned. “Okay, sweetheart.” Chapter 42 Again…. “Little lady, no,” the doctor frowned to Cait. “Not yet, little mouse.” “It’s already….” And an avalanche (ebolansh) of stuff started to fill her panties just before a huge explosion causing a sound that stunned the room. Such a small body made the whole room burp at once, and then more muddy sludge slid into her panties and down her legs. The little ten year old girl’s eyes stung. Her face was on fire. She shook in silent hiccups as the last of the mess finally sagged her underwears, smelled up the room, and told everyone present how imperfect she really was. The doctor looked at Sean. “It didn’t have the time it needed to finish,” he frowned. “We have to do this again.” Sean frowned. “We will, but not right away. Look, I have all day. You go look in on something else you need to do, and in an hour, we’ll have her ready to try again. If it takes you an hour and a half or two hours to get back to us, I don’t care, but Cait needs an hour, and we need some water and stuff for her Auntie to clean her up with.” The doctor sighed and nodded. “I’ll be back as soon as I can, then. Meanwhile, I’ll send a nurse along with some stuff to clean her up. I could have the nurse clean….” Cait shook her head no, and her mouth seemed to be jolted, her cheeks as if they were being pulled late from each movement. Cait felt the vibrations inside her. Auntie and Uncle, they were safe. No one else touches. No. No nurse. Please no nurse. She couldn’t say the words out, so she just had to trust Uncle Sean would know what she was saying. He guessed at what she wanted until this point. “Actually, the nurse needs to leave the room after she brings stuff. Cait’s not in the hospital yet, and she’s going to need to be eased into this. Her Aunt and I have cleaned her up plenty of times. She’s used to us doing it.” The doctor departed without any argument. Cait didn’t see when or how he left. She just knew he was gone when Auntie started to remove her dirty panties. Auntie didn’t start with wiping her bottom until after the nurse left, no as the nurse put the stuff by the door, just on the inside of it, Sean nodded. “That’ll do.” Sean lifted Cait up from under her arms, and he sat her messy panty butt on his lap again. He never says she’s dirty. He never does! He keeps putting her in his lap. She pees, she goes in his lap. She poops in the bath, he puts her in his lap. She poops her pants in the doctors’ where when they leave, everyone will think he made a big mess or something, but he doesn’t care. Right in his already wet lap where she peed on him earlier, she goes. He’s hugging her every time. “I’m sor….” Daddy touched her nose. “No, Cait. You better not be sorry. You are saying I trust you, Uncle, when you sit in my lap in those messy panties. If you are sorry you trust me holding you while you have poopy panties… then I’m really sad.” He stuck out his lip. “I didn’t mean that…,” Cait was confused. Wait. He said it meant she trusted him. He said that he wanted her trust him. He got sad if she didn’t trust him enough to poop her pants in his lap? She knew he wasn’t daddy, but he’d be upset if she didn’t trust him enough to go potty on him? The ghost didn’t even appear. It knew it had no chance. Even Cait couldn’t be embarrassed as she sat there in messy panties on him because it would make him cry if she said she’s sorry we went potty on him? Cait was smiling when the doctor returned. “Cait’s ready,” Sean told him. “She’s agreed to let you try again, but she has her way she wants it done.” Cait licked her lips and glanced up at the doctor while Sean told him everything. She lipped at Auntie for holding her while Sean explained. “Thank you.” “You let her lie against me when you are giving her the medicine, and you do it with her panties still on her.” “That’s not how it’s usually done,” the doctor’s voice faltered when he noticed how again, Uncle Sean’s eyes glanced at him with the same gleam Daddy’s did when he had the belt ready for me. “Now. We’ll navigate that. Then, she’ll sit on the potty chair. She says sitting on the toilet in front of people usually makes her freeze anyway, and you watching, will make her freeze.” Uncle’s eyes bore into the doctor’s while he plowed on not giving the doctor a chance to say anything. “She says the medicine will probably stay longer if you watch her on the toilet. When you say she can let it go...,” Sean’s voice got louder as if to cut off anything he might say. “She gets to stand up and hug her Uncle while she poops her underpants, and you don’t get to call her gross. Those are her conditions.” “And you are okay with these conditions?” the doctor asked. “Of course. If I wasn’t, I wouldn’t be telling you what she wants. She trusts me to tell you exactly what we agreed on, and it’s important, that she doesn’t have to poop in the potty when she’s not sure who will come through the door.” Cait looked up into the doctor’s eyes, her own glancing down at the floor, up at his, and at the floor again, trying to be polite but wanting to have it done this way. “She’s used to going in her underwears, and she knows it’s not what her Daddy at home likes, it’s not what the teachers like, and it’s not what anyone likes. But she’s used to it, and with her Uncle holding her, she thinks she’ll feel safe.” “Well, if that’s how we get this over with for her, then that’s what we do.” Cait didn’t care if the doctor was confused or not about her wanting to use the toilet to prevent the medicine coming out, and then standing up and getting to let it go in her underwears when the doctor let her up. The doctor was just there, doing what Uncle Sean… what Daddy Sean… told him to do. He was helping her, but Daddy Sean was in charge, and so the only one she didn’t want confused or mad at her… well, two people she didn’t want mad at her, were the two people who have been with her this whole week! Cait whispered to Sean. “I love you Daddy,” and then she felt the medicine work. Even as the medicine worked, Cait knew the doctor was over there thinking about why Uncle was saying what he was while she did what she needed to do. “Good girl, Cait-a-kins. Brave… girl. That’s right, all is safe here, hon. I’m so proud of you, little mouse.” The doctor said a few more things, gave Uncle four bottles of something, and told him that when he comes in next week to get things started, this large packet of homework had to be done. “He gave you homework,” Cait said as they settled her, now cleaned up again, and in the car happy. “You didn’t know you were going to get homework or you might have said you wouldn’t want me to stay, huh?” Sean frowned. “No, Cait. Maybe I would have before I knew what was needed, but if I knew what I know now, I’d have told your mom in a letter, or had Auntie Eiboh do it, anyway, that we were taking you for the rest of the year, and they need to do homework of their own.” “You would have taken me the rest of the year, even knowing how much trouble… that I pee the bed all the time, and now, maybe why?” “Cait-a-kins?” “Yeah?” she looked up at him with shiny eyes and a small smirk on her face as if she was playing with him. “Let’s not talk like you aren’t important anymore, okay? You should know by now that your Auntie and I do not regret taking you in, and that you are important to us.” “He’s right, you know,” Kookaberry whispered. “They keep showing you that the ghost is wrong. Why do you keep listening to it?” Cait sighed. “The ghost is…. Well, it’s Daddy, and I have to believe that Daddy….” “I Know, Kit-Cait,” Kookaberry whispered. “And Daddy does. He just… He isn’t good at showing it—like at all.” Cait’s eyes felt hot and her chest tightened. “I still….” “I know,” Kookaberry whispered. Auntie looked back at Cait. “You were very brave today, little Cait. But as hard as that was, it’s only the beginning. There is still a mountain of things to do to get healthy, little one. So, the medicine didn’t do anything but make it easier on your body for a little while to go potty, but it didn’t fix wetting your pants or stopping the pooping forever, Cait. You need to give yourself permission to especially have accidents at night for a while, okay?” “Okay.” “She knows that,” Uncle Sean whispered. “She heard every word of what the doctor was saying. She just don’t always know how to say what she knows, and she doesn’t always know if it’s okay to know it. Her mind is confused, but it’s not broken. She knows everything we’ve been saying to her, Eiboh. Just trust her.” Chapter 43 The Transition and Transaction As they arrived at the farm, it was six in the evening. It had taken all day, and Sean’s friend, Arnold, an older man with straighter darker hair that went to his shoulders put a hand on his shoulder as he carried Cait into the house. “How was the farm?” Uncle Sean asked. “As it should be. Your mare is going to give birth soon, maybe tonight.” The man touched Cait’s face. “Isn’t she precious? What of her?” “They couldn’t do what needed to be done. They just helped with some pain and temporarily, maybe helped her stop pooping her pants all the time, but it’s just temporary. She needs a lot. I’m going to have to call on you again this week. We have to drive out to her folks’ place to get some papers sign so we can permanently fix her situation.” “Poor lass. Well, you call on me anytime you need help with her. I’ll watch the farm for you or whatever. You know since the bank has taken my own farm from me a year ago, I’ve been too idle.” “God help you. Here.” Uncle Sean pulled out an envelope. I couldn’t see what was in it, but Arnold frowned and push it back to Sean. “Sean. I’m doing alright that way, and trust me, if the state doesn’t help you with this, you’re going to need that a lot more than I will. I have plenty of odd jobs to keep me going.” “Arnold! You know you worked your butt off here today, and this isn’t even enough if I had tried to hire labor to come out, and you did it the last minute. It’s just a token….” “Sean! I helped my neighbor. You were in trouble, and I helped you, nothing more. Besides, I loved being able to walk around a farm and feel in control again. Without you here, telling me what you were worried about being done as usually happens when I help you… the place almost felt like my own. I gladly would do this again. You keep that money for that little miss. Get her body working again so she can at least bodily control it when she wants.” Sean sighed. “Well, let me at least buy you a case.” “That, I’d be crazy to turn that down.” “Daddy?” Cait looked up at Sean and the man talking. “I peed.” “I know, hon. You’ve had a hard day. I’d be surprised if you made it potty tonight. But I’m proud of you. You told me this time without needing to be checked on, and you were so brave at the hospital. So brave, Cait.” Arnold leaned down and patted her head. “Little Miss, don’t you ever be ashamed of who you are. And don’t think that a pair of wet pants… never think that a pair of wet pants is who you are. It’s not. I’m still a farmer, too. I just don’t have a farm anymore, but you don’t forget who you are just because people take things out of your hands on you.” Eiboline took Cait’s hand. “Let’s let Uncle-Daddy talk, Cait. I have a nice bath waiting for you upstairs. It’ll feel good to get clean after all of this, and then you’re going to have to start drinking that stuff to finish getting your body ready to poop right. It’s not going to be easy, little one, but Auntie will help you drink it. And every time you feel it come out, Auntie will be there to wipe up the mess. You’re our little girl for as long as Dan will let us keep you and take care of this problem.” The next morning, Arnold brought two strong younger men with him and he brought an older lady with him. He was in the kitchen when Cait was led down with her hair still wet and smelling like bubble bath, her hand in Auntie-grandma’s hand. “What’s this?” Auntie Eiboline asked. “You people need to get over there and get those papers signed today. I brought my family to take care of things here. I’m a bit old, but my sons heard the story, about how a little Miss needs medical treatment her parents can’t give her, and how she’s suffering, and we all agreed last night we’d come first thing. When you people get back with her, probably in two days, you are going to need a rest. We will take good care of your farm.” “I wanted to see the baby horse come out,” Cait whispered. Arnold bent down and he touched her head. “I’m sorry, Cait, but this is far more important than something even as beautiful as life happening in front of you. But don’t you worry. There are farms upon farms around here. We’ll give you a chance to see life happen, when the time is right. We’ll work it out.” Breakfast was being cooked already and Auntie looked around the corner into the kitchen. “You just took over my kitchen?” she looked up at the woman that was with Arnold. “Look, I know it’s your kitchen, mama bear, but honestly, is the kitchen more important to you or is the little child that you are still nearly standing in front of to protect her?” Auntie shifted a little so she wasn’t blocking Cait. “I’m not protecting her from you,” she whispered. “Yes, Eiboline, you were. And that’s as it should be. You’ve earned the right to protect her. I wasn’t criticizing. I was just saying, your kitchen is second, now, and you need to realize that, too.” “You don’t get to….” Sean walked in the door. “Arnold, can I talk to you, please. Boys? You know where the farm is. Sheila, turn off the stove and give it a break for a minute, please.” Cait looked up at Uncle Sean. “I never meant to overstep,” Sheila whispered to Eiboline in front of Cait. “I just thought with everything going on with the little one, that you had your hands full.” “You don’t remember that I’ve done it before, my kitchen and a… um… and…,” but she started to cry. Cait patted Auntie’s arm. She looked up at the brown hair but heavily old person wrinkle face, and she whispered. “I help Auntie. We do her kitchen together. And if I pee on the floor, I can clean it up.” The lady nodded. “Well.” She had said it so softly, as if she was less sure of what she had been doing. It was almost like… she was saying sorry without saying it. Cait let the adults eventually hug it out, and Arnold went up with Sheila to help them pack things for Cait and little things Cait will need on the trip. The trip was seven hours in the car. Cait didn’t say anything. She had heaviness in her head. Her arms were wrapped around Kookaberry, and she stared out the window. “Daddy thought I was gone for the summer. He’s not going to be happy my messy butt is coming back even for a day, making a mess on the floor again, and it’s not even a week, yet. It’s Only Friday. Tomorrow would be a week.” “Your Daddy hasn’t earned the right to take a break, and besides, Daddies don’t want a break from their kids. They need it sometimes. But they don’t want it.” “How do you know, Kookiberry?” Cait asked her friend. “Well…, what did Uncle-Daddy-Sean make for you, right outside, where you can be and he can see you play? Where has Uncle-Daddy-Sean been every time he came in the house, and where has your little wet bottom been when he’s around?” Cait blushed. “I didn’t pee on purpose… not every time.” “Cait, I’m not saying that. I’m saying… even when you told him you kind of pushed it on purpose, what did he do with your wet butt?” “I was in his lap?” She sucked her thumb and started to fall asleep. Chapter 44 And He Didn’t Say No, Neither Cait felt the bump of the bumpy road to her farm when she next woke. Her seat under her was soaked in pee. She rubbed her eyes and pulled Kookaberry to her chest. She looked around and recognized some of the other farms. It was like three in the afternoon. Daddy was supposed to be in town, working. That’s why she was sent away, right? The only ones at home should be mama and her two littler sisters. Her older sisters will be around, but they are supposed to be looking after the farm, the think that Cait couldn’t do. That was the reason she was sent away. She buried her eyes with her arm. It hurt that she was sent away because she peed her pants, just like now, and she couldn’t help on the farm. “That’s right, though,” the ghost whispered. “Even Sean has a pen to put you out of the way because you wander. He is keeping you safe so you don’t get hurt. You’re too stupid to take care of yourself, and you’d poop your pants out there, and Grainne has no time to clean you up, so you’d just sit in it. And Mama is too busy for you. You make nothing but...(chomp).” “That. Is is enough.” Kookiberry dead pan stared at the now more solid than ever almost see through demon in the car next to Cait, it’s own dress soaked and it’s eyes dark circles. “You are way too hard on yourself, ghost. You are not a nothing. You are not stupid, and you are none of the things Daddy made you out to be. You are no longer protecting the living. She’s safe. You need to stop this, now.” “How? Daddy’s going to say no. I know him,” the ghost whispered a hiccup of a whine in its voice. “I don’t know,” Kookiberry whispered. “But calling her… calling yourself the names you think that man wants to hear. That’s not doing you any good. You need to stop believing those lies.” “But he’ll yank us back. He’ll hit Cait for even asking to see a doctor, and wait until Sean tells him she pooped her big girl underpants on purpose in front of the doctor—on purpose!” “Uncle Sean has no reason to say that unless Daddy brings it up where he has to answer it, but if it’s brought up, you watch how Uncle Sean hugs her. He’s not leaving the farm without the papers. I promise you that.” “You can’t be so sure. I’ve seen Daddy. He can do anything he wants. People do what he says.” The car stopped in front of the house. No one came out to greet them. It was quiet. “Auntie? Can you change me in the car?” Cait asked in a whisper. “If Mama sees me like this… first thing? I don’t want to.” “Sean, don’t get out, yet. Let’s put some clean pants on Cait first. She deserves to see her mother in confidence.” Sean nodded. “Go ahead and clean her up, Eiboh. I’ll just organize the papers.” He turned and smiled at Cait. “Good girl, hon. You tell us exactly what you need and want. We don’t want you to be scared, if we can help it.” “Did you poop your Underwears?” Eiboline asked her little baby cousin, her eyes soft and her hand just touching Cait’s arm. “No? It just peed… really bad.” “Hon,” Sean whispered. “There’s no such a thing as peed...really bad. Pee is just pee. It comes out or it doesn’t, hon. It’s not really bad. Please stop beating yourself up every time you lose control. The doctor said you have other problems, not just trapped poop. The poop being out of the way, is probably making it easier for pee to come out, but that’s as it should be.” “Cait?” Eiboline whispered. “You want to know why I asked, hon?” “So you know how hard you have to do to get it clean?” “No, sweetheart. I don’t mind cleaning and to me, poop or pee, it’s nearly the same, but to you… poop is still a little hard to manage on your own. It’s messy and especially on yourself, it’s hard to get it all. I’d need to help. It’s only pee though, so this is what we are going to do, little one. Take off your skirt.” Cait undid her skirt and removed it. “And your underwears…,” she did. “Now, move to the dry half of the seat, little one. Auntie just wants you to see, you can manage.” “So, now, I put on clean stuff?” “Now, you’re getting it. You don’t need Auntie’s help at all to change your wet pants, do you, hon?” “The seat needs cleaned.” “We’ll worry about that later. Now, after you finish cleaning up, you go up to the bathroom, on your own, and you soap up a cloth and clean yourself and then dry it, and then pull your pants back up. Can you do that?” “What do I tell Mama?” “Nothing. I’ll tell her it was an eight hour drive. You’re going to freshen up, and while a lot of people think that means you’re going to pee, it’s not a lie. You are freshening up. You’re just cleaning the pee off your legs so you don’t feel icky.” “Okay.” As Mama came to the door, Cait looked down while Eiboline smile and hugged her. “How are you getting on?” “Oh, the little one inside is kicking!” “That’s as it should be,” Sean smiled. “Shows it’s going to be strong. Where’s himself, then?” “Well, he’s in town, isn’t he? Surely he told you he’d be working in town this summer. My letters explained all of that.” “Aye,” Sean frowned. “Well, Cait, go on up to the bathroom, pet,” Sean said in front of her mom. “Sean, she’s going to just pee all over the house. She can just….” “Maire! Dan made it clear to me that she’s our responsibility this summer. His rules don’t apply. If she messes something up, I have to pay for it, so if I send her to the bathroom, she goes.” “Alright. You’re right. Cait, do as your uncle says.” Eiboline looked at Sean, but Sean frowned at Eiboline and then he nodded at Cait’s hands which were shaking near her legs. “I’ll take the little pet up,” Eiboline whispered. “She’s just a little nervous.” Cait looked up. “Uncle-Daddy?” she whispered. Maire looked from Eiboline to Cait in shock. “What did you say?” “She’s a child, Maire,” Eiboline whispered. “Children say the things that make them feel safe. Don’t do this.” “Eiboline, she called him Daddy!” “She called him uncle-daddy, and honestly, that says more about Dan than it does Cait. Cait is a little kid. No little kid should feel the need to call anyone else daddy. She doesn’t call me, mommy, does she?” “How do I know that?” “Well, you can believe what you want…. But the truth is, that man, hasn’t even acted like a father to any of your children, and you know it! He’s got two little girls out there running a farm by themselves. That’s what we were told anyway. And he called his own daughter a liar first chance he got to talk to me!” Maire backed up. “I’ll just take Cait up,” Sean reached down and picked Cait up and started to carry her. “Are you going to pull her pants down and wipe her too?” Maire called up at them. “If he has to, he will,” Eiboline put an arm around her cousin. “Perhaps if a certain dad allowed her mother to do it when she was a lot younger, she wouldn’t need as much help!” And the noises of Mama and Auntie arguing faded into background noise as Cait started to see the multiple stains on the stairs going up…. There was the trail stain that went from her bedroom to the bathroom, and a multi-layered stain of yellow and darker rug material in front of the bathroom. The place where she’d peed so many times in her pants, that it was impossible to get clean. Then there was the bathroom. The old belt next to the tub reminded Cait of the rules that she doesn’t move when she’s peeing or else. There was the tub where daddy forced her clothes off of her nearly ripping them when she wasn’t fast enough, and the fact he scolded her the whole time he was cleaning her filth from her, or had Grainne doing it. Grainne did it more as she got older, but at least the belt didn’t come out as much as she got older… because it was Grainne handling her. She looked up into Uncle Sean’s face. “Go ahead, Cait,” he whispered. “As Auntie-grandma said, you can do this yourself. You’re a big girl. I can just wait outside….” “No.” Sean rose an eyebrow at her. “I won’t let anyone come in on you.” “I… I want you in. It feels… better… I… I can do it, if you stay.” Sean nodded. “You are still a big girl, Cait. I want you to know how much I trust you to be a big girl, and how proud of you, both your aunt and I are. So… how about this? I know this bathroom in particular is scary?” Cait looked down. Her voice was small. “Very scary, Uncle-Daddy! There’s the belt I’d get it if Daddy had to clean me up for pooping my pants or if I moved too much after I started to pee.” “That thing stays in here?” Uncle’s face crumpled. “Yeah.” “Oh, hell, no!” He picked it up and he jerked the window open and ripped out the screen. He dropped the belt down to the ground. “Let’s see if he can recover that thing. And if he so much as acts like he blames any of you girls, because none of you have the power to rip out the screen like that… well, let’s just say there are people that would like to talk to him, sweetheart.” “You… you ripped the window,” Cait frowned. “And I’d do it again. Don’t worry, I’ll pay for the screen, but not the damned belt. That thing had no place being in here. It’s no wonder you are so fu… um… scared of windows, baby.” “You can say ‘fuck’ Uncle. Daddy says it all the time when he’s mad.” “Now.” Uncle Daddy hugged Cait for a long moment before he released her. “Now, that stupid belt isn’t blocking the tub, is it, hon?” “No?” “Are you scared of the tub?” “Are you leaving the bathroom?” “Nope. I’ll just turn my back to give you some privacy. You are ten years old, little lady. Unless Uncle needs to help with something, like if you pooped your underwears or something… there is no reason for me to watch you naked, little lady. You go ahead and pull down your skirt and underwears and clean up, and if you want, I have all day… your shirt and undershirt, too, little lass.” Cait hugged him. “First. Thanks.” Then she started to run some water in the tub. If he’s going to let her wash off, then she wanted a bath, and he didn’t say no, either. Chapter 45 The World Is Turning, Still Light little steps stopped in front of the bathroom and a small little tapping was starting to register. Cait hadn’t heard it while the tap was full blast while she filled the tub. She hung her clean clothes up so she could put them back on because her wet things, mama never saw them. They left them in the car in a plastic bag, and they had told her, ‘Cait? Your dad left you with us. He doesn’t need to know you peed, little lady. It’s our job to look after you. He made that clear last weekend, so don’t tell him you peed. Is that okay?’ Cait was now in the tub, and this was definitely against Daddy’s rules, that she was taking a bath FIRST in THIS house, TODAY! She saw the ghost sitting on the toilet, it’s panties down and it was doing something Cait had never seen it do… it was peeing in the toilet. Well, she never saw it pee—it’s pants or in the toilet, but now, it was peeing in the toilet. Cait sighed deeply as she picked up a rag. “Grainne! Open up!” an urgent little voice called through the door. Now! I’ll just pee in the tub if you’re on the toilet. Please! I don’t want Daddy to catch me peeing my pants again!” “That’s Roisin,” Cait whispered to Uncle. “Let her in, fast. I don’t care if she sees. She’s gonna wet her pants!” Sean turned just a little, as though bringing his ear closer to her. “Cait, are you sure?” “Yes, Goddamn it!” Let my little sister pee in the toilet so she doesn’t get in trouble!” Sean quickly opened the door and he brought the child to the toilet and put her down by it. “You’re Uncle Sean?” Roisin suddenly shuddered and pee started pooling at her feet. Her hand went to her mouth and her eyes watered. Her head shook, her knees banged, she kept peeing. “Rossi,” Cait whispered from the tub. “Get the Bear, Rossi. Get Kookiberry. It’s okay, just finish peeing where you are. Daddy won’t be as mad if you don’t try to move. Uncle-Daddy? Kookiberry. Let her hold him!” “Roisin? That’s Kookiberry. He’s been potty training me with Uncle’s help, only he can’t fully do it yet. I have something really bad in my body, something that’s not me, and Uncle-Daddy knows it. And Kookiberry knows it. And the doctor knows it. That why we here, not to take you from Mama. Daddy wouldn’t do that. Mommy will know he’s cruel if he does that. He says you too little to be taken from mama yet. And the mess on the floor, you tell Daddy it was there when you got here, and tell him I did it.” “That’s ly…” “That’s sur-bible, little sis. He knows I pee my pants. He will blame me first, so you not doing nothing he won’t already think. You just hiding your own wet for now. You can’t help it, you have to. Daddy…. We threw his belt away. See?” Roisin frowned. “Where it go?” Her finger was in her mouth, and she was drooling. “It flew out the window, and it’s on the ground where all snakes belong. Not in the house.” Sean frowned. “Go get some clean clothes, miss. We’ll wash our your dirty stuff after you change. For all your dad knows, we got you wet with Cait taking a bath, and we just rinsed it out for you and hung it.” “You’re not yelling at Cait?” Roisin frowned up at Sean. “Why would I?” She sucked on her finger for a minute and then pulled it out. She pointed it at Cait. “Daddy said she’s bad, and she went to stay with you to learn to be good. She has to milk those big giant animals with horns that can stab you and kill you, and she has to be careful, but you’re strong, so you won’t let them kill her, but she’s still scared of them.” Cait narrowed her eyes. “What?” Sean whispered. “Now.” Cait nodded. Sean was telling her to keep the peace. Don’t mess with Daddy by telling her little sister too much or he might think she pushed for answers and get in trouble. “Well, you tell daddy the mess was on the floor when you came in, and you slipped on it, and you caught me taking a bath. Then you not lying. Everything’s true except the wet on the floor, only there was wet on the floor from the tub… so… you not lying at all, okay?” Roisin came back but she just carried her clean clothes. “She still gets bathed, especially if she pees,” Cait whispered to Uncle. “I’ll bathe her. Take her clothes for her. It’s okay. I’m giving you permission, and she’s my little sister. If mom wants to spank someone, she can spank me.” Roisin frowned. “You don’t have to….” “Who’s the big sister, Roisin?” “You?” “Then you have to do what I say unless Clo or Grainne come in and say different. Now let him take off your clothes, and you hug Kookaberry the whole time. You whisper to him you are scared. You tell him that you peed your pants. He’s a good listener, and he doesn’t mind if you pee your pants, okay?” As Cait put her little sister in the tub with her, and started to wash her hair, she whispered to her. “Uncle watches, and he doesn’t watch for me to be bad. He doesn’t care if I pee at the table, in front of the bathroom, or even getting out of bed and leaving trails.” “What?” Roisin asked. “He doesn’t look for bad Cait,” Cait told her. “He watches, but only to help. When I peed my pants, every single time, he picked me up and hugged me. He even put me in his lap in the middle of it.” “That’s gross.” Cait nodded. “I know. That’s what I’m telling you. He doesn’t mind the gross. He doesn’t hit for it, too. He hugs you until you don’t feel like crying. He lets Auntie give you a bath. He helps you dress if you ask. He carries you naked through the house to look out at the window after you are fully clean.” “He does?” “And Auntie tells you how to clean it up, so you don’t gotta look at shame all the time. She teaches you how to do stuff for your own. I peed in the car just outside, before we came in. They told me to change my own pants, and I did it!” “How come you in the bath if you changed?” “Auntie and Uncle said it feels better not to have ick on you, so they just said wash off, but Uncle told me to wash my chest, too, only if I wanted. Then I said I’m taking a bath, and he didn’t say no… so here we doing it. Full baths, together. No shame. No… no crying in front of me. I’m the sister that poops her pants, be member? You don’t feel shamed at me. I worse pottier. Be member that!” Cait frowned. “Roisin? You stop letting Daddy catch you being wet all the time.” “How?” “You run to Clo and to Grainne, and you make your hands open and close like this,” she showed grabby hands, “And you whisper to them that you peed. Grainne will understand that you feel shame now, and she’ll start protecting you. She didn’t know I felt shame at seven because I was too scared to tell anyone and Daddy kept being able to take me to the bath… and that means the belt. When you show you know shame and you don’t like Daddy to give you a bath… Daddy has to think you older and it’s time to give you new rules. So he won’t let you up in the morning, and you have to pee the bed on purpose, but you don’t get hit, and Grainne or Clo gives you baths, and they don’t hit.” “That will work?” “I think so. Dad started having Grainne bathe me and told me to stop trying to get up in the mornings to go because I pee the bed all the time. He did that when I turned ten, and Mommy and Daddy made me hear Mommy tell him I’m too old for him to bathe me. If you tell mama you feel funny Daddy doing it, Mommy will help you.” Cait washed her little sister’s back. “The doctor says I don’t poop my pants on purpose.” “Huh? I thought you did.” “Me, too. I even told the doctor I tried to get it to start, so I don’t hog the bathroom. He said that that’s not pooping on purpose. He said… I don’t really understand it all. He said I have a something called…. A… Hand in ya.” “A Hand in ya?” “Yeah. It’s your stomach stuff is in the wrong place it causes the poop to get strange and not come out right, and when it watery, it harder to stop, so you poop your pants from it.” “Oh.” “Do you have water-poop all the time?” “No?” “Sure?” “Yeah. It’s big and like this round, and like a lot of like mud-logs.” “Okay. If it gets watery-poops, and it happens a lot? You don’t let him call it being a flu. It’s only flu if it happens one time. If it comes back and cold season didn’t stop, but you stopped with cold, then you make Grainne write to us.” “Okay.” “Do you feel better?” Cait asked Roisin once she was clean. “Can I help you dress, or do you want to go find Mama?” “You do it. I don’t want Mama to know I didn’t make it.” Chapter 46 Control and Conflict Uncle-Daddy held me with my clothes now on, and Roisin walked with a hand on my leg and an arm with Kookaberry tucked in her elbow and her thumb in her mouth. The hall was quiet. As we reached the bottom of the steps, Mama was talking to Auntie-grandma. “Eiboline, I don’t have a choice. You and Sean were wonderful to take in Cait, but honestly, things are so messed up right now, there is no way you could fix everything if you wanted. Cait is the one that I was worried about. Just focus on her for now.” “Dear Maire. We’d make room for you and all the girls. You know that….” “I know. But don’t. Dan… he’s powerful. He’ll not only find us, but you’ll lose your farm.” “If he was that powerful, how did he lose his farm?” “I can’t tell you, Eiboline, and it’s not because I don’t know. It’s because it’s the wrong thing to do. Just trust me, he didn’t have to suffer, and he hasn’t lost it yet. He’s got the elder girls out there working on it right now.” Uncle Sean put me on the floor and he whispered. “We should go find your sisters while your Mama and Auntie are talking.” “They’re working,” Roisin popped her thumb out and handed me Kookaberry. As we came outside, I ran over as soon as I saw her, my littlest sister, Aoibhe. “Aoibhe!” I ran and tackled her to the ground tickling her. “How much did you miss me?” She was laughing and trying to scoot away immediately. Roisin came up on us, and she got that look in her eye, the one that told little sister… it’s little sisters against the big sister!” “Wait! No. I didn’t even tickle you!” But it was war of tickles for several minutes until we were all laughing. When the tickling was done, and the gasping had faded, Cait helped both of her sisters up. “I still pee,” Cait told her sisters. “But I’m not scared to do it no more. I’m not scared to say I did it. And I’m not sorry that I do it.” Both of her sisters looked at her with their fingers in their mouths. “I’m your big sister. Daddy can’t hurt me no more, and Daddy is going to not hurt you, neither. He doesn’t control you, if you don’t let him. He can hit. He can yell. He can scare us with words, but the can only scare us, if we let him.” Aoibhe frowned. “What?” “Uncle Sean got rid of his belt. I can say ‘fuck’ too. Daddy doesn’t scare me.” The sisters looked at each other. “Cait,” Sean put a heavy hand on her shoulder. “Don’t speak too boldly in front of him. You are safe, but your sisters are still here, baby. A siege takes months, not days, Cait-i-kins!” “But, a sage is you get one thing at a time that the evil lord needs and stop it. He needs us scared. I just teach not to let scared of words. Belt is real. But if sisters pee pants on purpose, he doesn’t that power on them. They hold each one and another, and Daddy says you baby, but they look me, and I not baby. And I don’t sorry I peed. That how safe work?” Sean sighed. “If you corner a snake, it will bite, Cait. You need to teach them to let some things slide and to defend themselves when it hurts, like you told the older one to have Grainne write to us if one of them gets watery-poops. That’s something they can do that won’t corner the snake, as long as the snake doesn’t know.” “Oh.” “Where are your sisters?” Sean asked the elder Roisin. “They had to go to the far field today. Daddy said must cut up the grass up there and get field for fall stuffs that grow.” “Well, Cait, what do you say we go help your sisters?” “They won’t let me. They’ll be scared of Daddy being mad.” “Daddy said you are my responsibility and I’m saying you can help. He has no say. And he’s not here, and he has children trying to run an adult’s work. He isn’t in charge. He has to be present to be in charge, Cait.” “Okay.” We walked towards the field, and even my little sisters were walking with us. Sean didn’t shoo them away or tell them that they were too small. As the four of them crested a small hill, they could see both sisters with small curved sharp tools, whacking at the tall grass. The hay was still not in. This was proof. The big girls were trying to do it with old fashion tools because they couldn’t be trusted with a machine that could kill a child if something went wrong. Sean started to call out to them. “Lassies! Little ladies! Hey!” Cait ran ahead towards Grainne. It seemed to take quite some time to get there. Cait figured the hands on the clock, the big one, must have moved 3 whole numbers from the time she saw the small shadowing things in the fields until she hugged Grainne from behind. She paused and backed up. Her mouth hung open. Her legs shook. Her thumb went to her mouth. Grainne dropped the small tool with a blade into the grass. She fell on the ground, and was looking up at Cait. Giant tears were in her eyes. Cait was staring down as her sister lay in the uncut grass looking up at her. The noises further away showed that Sean and the little sisters had met with Clodagh. “Grainne?” Cait whispered, a tightness in her throat and a strange strong scary rise within her chest seemed to wrestle with her throat insides. “What… what happened?” “Don’t tell Daddy,” Grainne whimpered up at Cait her face red and her eyes closed tight as though she was ready for the belt. “Daddy said it has to be all done by today! We were too slow this week. We had a week, and Daddy said we didn’t even do nothing, so he’s gonna be extra mad if we don’t get it done.” Cait scratched her head. Why does the field needing to be done have anything to do with how her sister’s butt felt. It wasn’t just wet. It was… Grainne would be in so much trouble! “Daddy-Sean! Help!” Cait suddenly turned to him. “Daddy-Sean! Please! Grainne in trouble!” He came running over with Clodagh, and she had a soaking wet skirt on. “Daddy said they’ll get it if we don’t get this field done today,” Cait told Sean. “What nonsense! Two children? All of this?” “Daddy would do that,” Cait told him putting her hands on her hips. “Grainne pooped her pants, and she’s scared he’s going to know she did.” “Nonsense. No one needs to know that happened. Roisin? You wanted to help, didn’t you?” “Yeah?” “Go to your sister’s drawers and get her clean pair of panties and a clean skirt. Can you?” “Come on, Aoibhe!” “Girls? Get Clo some clean clothes, too!” They gave a thumbs up. “Cait, take your big sister over there, and wait with her. Clo, come here, hon. How long you kids been out here?” Clo shrugged. “It’s hot.” Sean walked over to the silo where the hay goes, and he sat with the three elder sisters. “Grainne? Get those messy things off. It’s not good for you. I won’t watch, and you can hid in the hay if you want, but you get those messy clothes off, okay?” “I can’t take my pants off outside! Dad will have a cow?” “Too late,” Sean smirked. “I already have a bunch of them. Now take those off and not another single word about your Dad. He’s not here right now. You are children. I am your uncle. I am in charge. That’s the end of it.” Cait nodded and walked over and started to help Grainne. “What are you doing, Cait? You’ll get gross on you!” “That’s what you do when someone needs help,” Cait told her looking her in the eye. “You can wash off gross, but feelings are harder to wash away. You are a person, first, and my big sister! I’m not letting you sit there in those messy panties another minute, and I’m not going to have you doing this all by your alone. I know what it feels like, and I also learned what it feels like to have someone care.” “What?” “Uncle-Sean-Daddy! He holds you when you pee your pants, Grainne. He would hold you, if he wasn’t trying to be careful your feelings of you wanting to be a big girl.” “You’re lying. No one holds gross girls!” “Am I? You wait and see what he does next time I pee my pants.” Grainne frowned. “I hope he’s not teaching you to be bad. You got sent away to learn to be good. If you are bad, he might get rid of you for real next time, with someone we don’t even know!” “Daddy can’t because Uncle Sean is already here to take me until December. I saw a doctor.” “That’s a waste of time. Daddy says so. You are a baby, that’s why you pee your pants.” “That’s not what the doctor says, Grainne. But I forgive you. You don’t know no better than what Daddy tells you.” “Cait, help your big sister. Just because she’s a little older doesn’t mean that cleaning off poop is easy. Just get her as clean as you two can. It’ll be okay. Clo, you get your panties changed. Little ones, come and let Uncle show you a fun game called “Let’s gather the straw!” When the sisters came back with clean clothes, and the elder kids were all good again, Cait was working with Clo. Sean was working with Grainne. They were making better time in the field now that the big sisters weren’t in shame. And the little sisters, though their hands were so small, they grabbed the bits of straw from the ground and threw it into the silo. “Now,” Sean leaned in to the five children as the sun set on the horizon threatening to take the light out of the day. “I have one shiny quarter for each of you who works until sun down, getting as much hay in the silo as you can, but you need to do it separately so I know who to give an extra quarter to. Then, he winked at Cait. Cait winked back. As they brought the hay in, Cait hid out inside, and she kept mixing the different piles together, and when the sun set, the girls came in, and they looked one to the other. “Our piles are mixed up!” Sean walked in behind them, and while he scratched his head, he winked over at Cait again. Cait winked back again. “Well, dang. I know I saw five little girls hard at work. But this bigger nice pile looks so much better than five little disorganized piles! That’s teamwork, that is. You know? Since we have no idea whose pile is bigger now, I have no choice but to give you all two quarters a piece!”

I am going to post 41 to 46. I was told there were some bad typos that can make reading it hard or change the meaning. As if Cait's way of thinking and talking aren't phonetically hard enough. But those mispellings are not mistakes, they are her character.

Chapter 37 The Other Ghost “Are you ready, pet?” Auntie Eiboline asked the squirming jumping excited ten year old that was bouncing even as she pulled on her weller boots. “Always,” her eyes shined in excitement and child-like wonder. “I love getting the water with Auntie-grandma!” “Auntie-grandma, huh?” Eiboline laughed. “Yeah. Because you are just like Grandma making stuff like muffins that are better than store bought, never really mad, but still expecting good girl stuff from me, and always teaching not just normal stuff, but stuff kids want to know. I love you so much!” Auntie seemed to tighten her hands around her own pail handle, and she stiffened for a second, and then she relaxed in a heavy breath. “Now….” Cait raced outside, just to the end of the drive but didn’t touch the gate. She looked into the fields beyond trying to squint to see Dairy-Daddy or Daddy Sean remembering he promised to have the lands ready for her to see tonight, but she still has a lot of growing up to do before he can let her wander, and it’s not about her being bad, but about her not knowing how to understand the animals in a way that makes them alarms and protectors against… the belt. Cait couldn’t help seeing a long thick strap that bit through her flimsy dresses and skirts and little girl panties leaving her sore, but having a great two teethed head that would sink it’s poison or… Uncle Sean called it… what? Ven…, ven…. She knew it was ven-some-what’s-it.... But it would be worse, and he didn’t want that belt to hit her. He was protecting her from the belt. The truth she didn’t tell Uncle, she liked the boy underwears because it was thick against belts, too, and so, too, were the boy jeans she happily wore around the farm. They were safer… in case the belt did come out. “Cait? Wait for Grandma-Auntie, hon,” Eiboline took the name upon herself seemingly natural after the exchange in the mud room. “There’s still dangers out there, pet!” “I know,” Cait turned and faced Auntie Eiboline. “I was just looking to see if I could see Uncle-Daddy out there!” The tall lady smiled down at her, the wrinkles were like lines of deep embedded promises of ‘If you pee, you tell me, you don’t sit in pee, you just change and we keep playing.’ They were promises that Cait wasn’t dirty. Auntie-grandma had even pinned Kookaberry to her, and made sure the bear couldn’t touch the ground before they got ready to go to the well. The long heavy gate groaned as Auntie Eiboline pulled it open and both she and Cait entered a small space created at one end of it, and then Auntie closed the gate. Cait didn’t understand why the gate had to stay closed. Looking around the field here, she didn’t see any animals large enough nearby that would be stopped by the gate, but she didn’t say anything. Her eyes immediately looked forward down the path that led to the hill where she knew she could see more of the farm. They walked, was it fifty steps? Was it a hundred? Cait knew it couldn’t have been two hundred. But she suddenly noticed that Auntie stopped and put her free hand on Cait’s shoulder. “Quiet love.” They were nearly even from to the right of the trail, that wild tangled fenced in jungle-grass field. Then they heard something in the grass. It seemed to make a sound like someone shaking leaves on a fallen stick that was covered like a branch. Wssst. “Cait. Hon. Don’t move. Stay still. I don’t know where it is,” Auntie was whispering. “Those things can hear you when you walk. It hasn’t done anything yet, so that means we are either not quite close enough for it to react, or it’s just trying to get away.” Shht! Whish. Shht. She stood there, her hand gripping Kookaberry tight, and the pail, being plastic and a child’s toy, barely made any sound at all as it fell from the frozen child’s grasp. The one skill that she had down, was the ability to freeze. Some snakes had a brown color, right? A copper-brown? Was copper light tan? Cait shivered. What was in the grass. Do Snakes slither through it quickly? Could she outrun it? Uncle Sean-Daddy and Auntie-grandma Eiboline told her to freeze if she saw a snake. It is probably too fast to out-fast-run it. Please… don’t be…. A small little whine came from somewhere behind them. “Shadow? Is that you?” Auntie asked over the grass. The body still slithered in and out of tall grass, but eventually came into view just feet from Cait. It looked at her with those large brown eyes. Cait looked at Auntie. “Yes, Cait. You can go talk to her. If she’s not growling, there are no snakes to be worried about.” “Clever girl,” Cait asked Shadow. “Were you hunting the snakes and making sure they weren’t sending spies. That why you sneaking around? To protect us from Ninja snakes?” The old dog looked up at her with those brown eyes that said… I’m just doing dog stuff. I don’t hurt or trick humans. I warn humans. I watch humans, and if I must, I’ll take a bite for a human. That’s what Cait whispered to Auntie that the eyes said. “If you say so, child. You know they say a child can read a dog’s heart a lot easier than an old lady like me. But I will tell you this, she has stopped me stepping on a great snake, and she will watch you, too, if you listen to her, Cait.” “I wish she could sleep in my room,” Cait looked up at Auntie-grandma while rubbing Shadow as she walk along side them up the hill. “No, you don’t,” Auntie Eiboline whispered. “If she darted into your room, she’s knock over all of your bedroom town, and she’d bump my dresser with the still posed farm set on it.” “I never thought old people supposed to like toys,” Cait whispered. Auntie frowned and looked down. “Well, people don’t get to tell us what we do in our house, Cait. We don’t let them hurt your feelings no more, and they will not take that farm scene down no matter how nasty their words are.” “You really like that farm scene,” Cait observed, her voice quiet as she looked up at Auntie who looked as though she was looking out past the road beyond. Cait sighed. Auntie sighed. “Yes, it’s important not only to me, Cait. But someday, when you’re bigger….” She started to walk again towards the well, down the hill and to the tree. Cait’s hand went around Auntie’s back and she hugged her. Cait didn’t know why, but she felt like Auntie needed a hug, and she just did it, just like Auntie just gave her a bath, or Auntie just made her juice without asking. It was something that was easy to see. Cait wanted Juice, and Cait knew that Auntie-grandma wanted a hug. They walked slow with Cait’s little arm behind Auntie’s waist and down the hill they walked, pails swaying and Shadow now starting to lead the way, it’s nose seemingly pointing the way. Arriving at the well, Auntie-grandma took Kookaberry and tied him high on a branch. “He won’t get wet up there while we are here,” Auntie told Cait. “Don’t play near the well, but there is plenty of field where I can see from here, if you want to play with Shadow over there. Just freeze if Shadow growls and you don’t know why.” “What about my bucket?” “We’ll fill it before we leave the well, Cait. You play with Shadow, love. Shadow has been without a child’s love since… well, for a while.” “You were going to say since the boy went away,” Cait looked at Auntie. “How come you don’t talk to me about it?” “It’s just adult stuff, little lady. It’s not something we should bother children with. Go play?” Cait nodded. “Okay. But I know you letting me wear the clothes… I heard you and Uncle the first time you put me in these. I know. These are from twelve years ago, and the clothes are special to you, but you put them on me. I have to tell you that I know that much. It would be like lying if I didn’t.” “Cait? Sometimes, you don’t have to say everything you know,” Auntie whispered. “Sometimes, it’s okay not to say everything. Sometimes, it’s easier for someone not to hear what you know, even if you know something. It’s more important that you don’t say things that you don’t know the whole story to… otherwise… it might hurt.” Cait looked up at Auntie. She wasn’t scolding. Her voice wasn’t harsh and her eyes weren’t locked on to her as if to target something fragile. Actually, her voice was sounding sorrowful and sad. She sighed and nodded her head over where she told Cait to play a moment ago. “Just go play with Shadow, Cait.” Shadow laid on her back and as Cait rubbed her belly, her eyes glanced over at the well where Auntie Eiboline was drawing water. “You are tongue-breathing a lot,” Cait whispered to Shadow. “Is it so hot for a dog already?” Shadow didn’t seem to respond to Cait though. She just watched Eiboline so carefully, that eventually, Cait followed the dog’s eyes, and she saw something green in the grass. It had a white thing on it. “What’s that, Cait asked Shadow. Shadow licked Cait’s hand, but pulled her playfully down by the loose sleeve of her arm. Cait giggled. “I’ll get you down.” It was a few minutes of rough play that landed Cait on her butt laughing when she looked over at Auntie again. She was staring off towards the house again, only, Cait didn’t think it was the house. “Auntie?” Cait whispered. “Is it time to go back?” “You can play a little more, if you want.” Suddenly, Cait caugh a lint of silver-like metal on Shadow’s collar. It was a small tag in the shape of a heart. -I belong to Ron Kinsella- was written on the first line. -Call, and it had a telephone number- Was the boy’s name Ron? Sean was Uncle-Daddy and Eiboline was Auntie-grandma. Who else would Ron be, but the lost boy. But then…. The dog was actually the boy’s dog, not so much Uncle or Auntie’s dog, right? “That’s why,” Cait whispered to Shadow. “Auntie hasn’t really been over-friendly to you, has she? She gives you supper and she doesn’t shoo you, but she doesn’t talk to you. It’s kind of like if ‘Ford’ Daddy’s car were real, as in alive, I couldn’t want to talk to it. It’s… it’s him. But at the same time, I wish I knew why Daddy didn’t love me.” Shadow licked her hand. “Except, I don’t think it’s she doesn’t love you, is it? It’s that she’s… she’s (apposed to) be strong, and she can’t if she likes you, so she pretends you are just something she feeds, but deep down, if you ran away, she’d… she’d not let you go.” Shadow nuzzled her in the chest. “You… you stay not for the food, but because of the boy, right? I watched Gray-Feri-yahs something. It was on last Christmas. A dog loved a man so much, he’d have starved on the dead buried spot if someone didn’t feed him. Yeah, it’s called Gray-Feri-yahs Boby.” Shadow looked at Cait, and Cait whispered into it’s ears. “I know about you dogs, you know. All you animals, actually. I know you only look like you are one four legs because your real ways would scare us, and you don’t want to scare us, so you stay on four legs even around children because that’s the way parents tell us you are. But I know. You are really smart, just like people. You probably have some kind of job, too, that we don’t know about, right?” “Shadow,” Cait frowned. “How often do the Snakes attack? Do you know what they want on the farm?” She looked into Shadow’s eyes. “You not allowed to talk human, are you? But if you could somehow give me something I could understand, maybe I’d be able to help you set up traps or something to keep them out, like Uncle does with the bulls and moving the animals around?” Shadow sat up and breathed heavily at Cait, as if each little breath from its pant(ies)… was some whispered word that it hoped Cait could pick up on. “How old are you, anyway?” Cait asked Shadow, but again, she was quiet except for her (panties), a word that once again, Cait just knows people say something like it to describe a dog with its tongue out in the heat, but in Cait’s world, these were actually whispered words that maybe traveled more than half the farm away for another dog or some other animal to pick up on and know what Shadow sees. “Cait,” Auntie finally waved the girl over. “I was talking to Shadow,” Cait looked up at Auntie. “She shared some secrets.” “She did?” Auntie smiled. “Just remember, now is one of those times it’s okay to keep something to yourself until the right time. You don’t have to say everything you’re thinking, pet.” “I know. But I can still hug you on the way back home. Can I?” “Sure. What harm?” My toes bumped the green thing in the grass that Shadow had seen and led me to see. It was a cracked, broken, old pail just like the one I had for fetching water with Auntie. I decided I best not draw attention to it. Auntie probably isn’t ready to see it, yet. “I’ll just get Kookaberry from the tree, and then we can go back, Cait-a-kins.” “You don’t have to hurry, Auntie. I want to talk to Shadow on the way back anyway, so take your time. I’m not allowed out here by myself until Uncle has the safe stuff done.” “That’s right,” Auntie smiled. “We can take it slow, Cait.” We walked up over the hill, and my hand was around Auntie’s waist. Shadow walked a few feet in front of us, now, instead of like yesterday, further behind us. She was accepted, well, I think she knew I accepted her, and she was protecting us as if she had a job again. Dogs are secret, angels, in case you don’t know. We walked down the hill, and for a moment, Auntie stopped maybe 150 feets from the back door and she looked towards that old wild fenced in field that was so nicely trimmed around it. And as I looked through the heavy tangled grass, and the wild stuff there, it was like something was hidden. There was this little pole that was really hard to see, but as I stared into the grass, it was there, alright. It had a piece like a small ‘t’ maybe three parts of the whole was four up, and I blinked my eyes. You aren’t allowed to bury people or pets on your land. Cait stepped back and let go of Auntie, who seemed to do a symbol of the small ‘t’ in the air. She mumbled something, and then she looked down at me. “I will have to explain, but right now….” “It’s like I’m not ready to be fully use the toilet. I can pee my pants if I want, and you can hold your heart close a little more, until we both ready, right?” “I guess… yeah, that’s what I’m asking of you. Give me time to hold this a little longer, but I know I’ll have to tell you someday. Just not today.” Cait smiled. “I won’t ask again until you say something, then. I will just pee my pants until I can not do it no more, and you can carry this pre-something until you don’t need to pre-do it no more, too.” Chapter 38 My own Space Outside, Not a Little Corner, a Real Yard! Cait and Eiboline arrived in the mudroom with Shadow hanging around the door looking in at them. “Cait, leave the door open for her,” Eiboline said. “Just to see if she wanders in on her own. We still need to make limits. I don’t want her going upstairs right now, but the kitchen, the living room, the mud room and the main hall… that’s okay.” Cait nodded and propped the screen door open for Shadow. “Cait,” Cait turned and saw her Uncle walking through the door in the kitchen. “It’s ready. I have a trail for you, but… there will still be rules. But for now, do you want to see where you can go on the farm?” Auntie nodded. “Go ahead, Cait. I need a few minutes and your Uncle has been working his tail off to give you this. Please go with him, love.” I looked up. “Okay.” And then I silently lifted my arms towards Uncle-Daddy. “Lift me?” He kissed my cheek, but rather than defiantly brush it off as ‘gross,’ I smiled. It wasn’t gross when he showed me how much he cared. And I hugged him closer. He had a barrel like chest that felt so sturdy, that I didn’t think even a twister could pull me from his protective embrace. “I’ve cleared out a field for you Cait. It’s a small little corral that’s been repurposed so you can lie there and watch me when you feel like just taking a break or wandering. It’s still small, I know. But it’s all I can do for now. I don’t want you going anywhere without your Auntie or me besides the house and this little field until I’m sure you can talk to the animals the same as I can.” “So, you believe they aren’t even stuck in four legs and dumb sound makers?” Cait looked up at Uncle wide-eyed. “Well, let’s just say that I know they aren’t just noise makers, and I know that they communicate with one another, Cait. But it’s not magical. You just have to learn their way of talking.” “Oh.” He put me down carefully on the path. “I want you to walk, love, so you can learn the path to the field made just for you. You can relax, and it has a gate to it that you can open and close for yourself. It’ll keep the bigger animals out until you get used to them, then you can leave your gate open as you get used to your animal friends.” “Uncle Daddy?” “Yes, Cait-a-kins?” “You and Daddy and you…? You don’t say wander for the same thing?” “What do you mean, Cait?” “Daddy says wander is when I go somewhere and because I’m not supposed to be there. You said you made me a pen to wander to….” She put a finger on her chin, and tapped her chin with strong purpose while she was thinking this loudly enough to talk to Uncle about it. “Well, little miss… Wandering can get you in trouble if you don’t pay attention to where you are going, but it doesn’t have to just mean going to places that get you in trouble. It really just means going somewhere without any real reason to go there. Sometimes explorers wander, and that’s how they discover places that can even change the world.” “Really? But if ex-plod-ers can ex-change the word, how come people tell kids to stop ex-ploding places?” Uncle Daddy bent down and touched her nose. “Well, most of the time, adults just want to protect their little ones even when they are big enough to wander, but in my case, I want to make sure you are safe from all kinds of dangers, not just snakes. As soon as you assume a Dairy farm, or any farm, really, is just a place to explore, and you forget that there are other beings there, you put yourself in danger.” “Okay.” “You know I wouldn’t keep you from going places that I feel safe letting you explore or that wouldn’t get you in trouble, don’t you?” Cait looked up into his eyes for moments. They were grey-blue and they were looking into her eyes with all the seriousness of the word (world). “Yeah. I know.” She had only said after studying his eyes for maybe an (hour)…. There was a pole on a the trail, and it was like the same little pole had like two small ‘t’ crossings on it. One end of one ‘t’ points back to the house, and it had a small picture on it of a house. Then there was the same bar of that ‘t’ that pointed down the way that I could tell was the hill to the well. And he painted a glass of water on it. Then another ‘t’ bar had one end pointed off but it had a red X and then the other end of that bar, it had a girl on it. “Can you read this sign?” Uncle asked me. “It don’t got no words on it.” “It has pictures, though, Cait. What’s this picture?” and he pointed at the house. “It a house.” “That’s our house, and then he taught me. These three places are where you are allowed to go, but you don’t go to the water place, the well by yourself yet. You go with Auntie until we feel comfortable with you being alone. When I’m in the field, you can go to this place, and that little girl is you and that means that it leads to your little pen where you’ll be safe. The red X, you never ever go there until I know you can actually understand the animals around you.” “Oh, okay. But how come you said can I read it? It still just pictures.” “Cait, there are lots of ways to read. Remember the picture books Auntie had you look at at the library?” “Yeah?” “You were reading. And maps often have little pictures because sometimes, pictures are better for reading maps than words all over it.” “So, even big people read by pictures, sometimes?” “Sometimes, Cait.” “Uncle Sean? What if I peed my pants but I’m too busy looking at ants in my pen?” He patted her shoulder. “It’s alright, love. Remember, you’re just not potty trained yet, and sometimes, we all forget to do things when we are caught up in the moment. I’m the adult. If I notice it’s lunchtime and you haven’t come to get me to take you potty or to change your pants for you, then it’s my job to make sure you get cleaned up before you eat. Eating in poopy panties doesn’t feel good, does it?” Cait looked up at him. “No. But how come you can know that?” “You don’t think I’ve never pooped my pants before?” he chuckled. “Sure, it’s been a while, but you don’t forget things like that, Cait. Someday when you are big enough to have a little girl yourself, you will have a chance to remember how it feels and a chance to make a choice about what you think she needs more, to comfort her or to correct her. You, I am sure, will do the right thing, but the right thing doesn’t always look the same to different children. You’ll see.” “Does daddy try to tell me strong because he thinks I need to not be like this… stoo….” “Cait? No! Change that word, little lady,” his voice was stern. “I mean he thinks I shouldn’t pee my pants because I can’t read?” Sean sighed and he bent down. “I don’t know everything going on in that man’s head, Cait. I do know he’s wrong, and he’s trapped in his wrongness. He really thinks those things about you, and I don’t understand why. The way he talked in the kitchen last weekend about you. He’s not being mean. He’s just… he’s trapped, little lady. He doesn’t know what to do, and you are too little to help him. I’ll tell you one thing though. That grown up drink he likes too much doesn’t help his thinking.” “That’s why you don’t drink it?” “I do drink it, sometimes, Cait. But I never make important choices when I’m drinking it. I find a safe place where I won’t bother people with it, and I only drink there, and nowhere else.” “Daddy has it at funny loud restaurants that are like places that are not like yesterday. Those restaurants don’t really have food… that I want to eat. It just has drinks and drinks and drinks. I can get cola there, sometimes, but it has awful stuff that Daddy even pushed me to drink one or two (times), but I don’t like it.” “Now. There will be no pushing adult drinks on little ones here,” Uncle told her. “There’s plenty of time for you to explore that when you are ready. You are a child for a short fifteen years or so, and then you a big person for over sixty years. You have more than enough time to think about big people drinks to not ruin your life as a child.” “I know.” He led me into the pen that he called small, but we walked along it, and it was bigger than the house. It was bigger than the playground at school. It was so huge. It was all dirt and a little short grass, but there was no big grass at all anywhere. There were these little fence things that were like tiny little wires and circles and something that went all the way up to the first of the five boards that went across the fence to keep things out, and me in. “That’s chicken wire,” Uncle told me. “It’ll discourage snakes because it’s higher and more trouble to get over than just moving around it. It’s not a for sure thing that always works, so make sure when you come in, you scan the ground first for anything that doesn’t look right. If you see something on the ground that you don’t know what it is, you come and get me. If you have Shadow with you, she’ll let you know if it’s something she doesn’t like.” “Okay.” Then Cait hugged him tight. “It’s the best thing I ever been given—ever! Thank you, Uncle Daddy!” My underwears felt warm and a little sticky and wet. I think I got pre-pee in them, but I didn’t remember doing it. But I looked up at Uncle’s face and then Auntie’s face, and I suddenly didn’t care. I just stared for a moment. “Well, we should get back to the house so we can give our little love some lunch and have her use the toilet,” Auntie said. I looked down, spread my legs a little, for all the good that would do wearing pants and not a skirt, but still… habit. And I looked up and shivered for a second. “You’re not going to just do it, right here bold as day, in front of (chomp). The ghost stopped talking as I pushed a little and pee started to fill my underwears and then darken my pants. I was looking up at Auntie while I just stood there, peeing my pants. Daddy would have said I was a brat. Auntie smiled. “Actually, I guess she’ll just need some clean clothes then.” Uncle Daddy bent down and lifted my chin to his eyes, and he smiled while I was still peeing. “Brave girl. That’s right, hon. You take charge of when you’re going to wet your pants if you think it’s too hard to get back to the house. No shame, here, little one.” I smiled. I peed even harder now flooding the ground around my feet, and after it stopped coming out, Dairy Daddy picked me up and carried me back to the house. Uncle took me upstairs and he started to strip my icky wet pants and underwears down, but then he froze. We were in the bathroom, and I don’t know what he didn’t like, but I could feel a shift, not anger but just seriousness. “Eiboh! Come up here, please. Now?” It scared me that his now sounded more like a plea than his normal strong way that sounded more like he expected things. Auntie came in. “Her Underwears,” he passed them to Auntie. “This child has another runs accident and didn’t seem to notice. Have you taken her to the toilet and seen her poop normal, yet?” “Well, I mean, I don’t watch her every second. I assumed she was like most ten year olds and didn’t just poop her pants.” “But she was messy the other day like this. Eiboh, if she is not pooping like she should be… maybe she needs to see a doctor.” I looked up at Uncle Sean. “I… I didn’t mean to do it.” “Cait, no one is mad at you, little miss. I’m worried. Every time I’ve seen you poop, it’s been messy, not like just solid stuff in your pants.” I shrugged. “Sometimes, some thicker stuff comes, when my tummy hurts.” “Sometimes, but how often does this wet stuff come out?” “I think every time? I wasn’t sure if it was coming out earlier at the well, but I didn’t feel it exactly until something was in my underwears. I thought it was just pre-pee?” Auntie frowned. “Now I think about it, I don’t think she has ever gone to the toilet without me knowing, and I have noticed stains on her underwears, but until now, just thought it was not wiping good.” “Eiboh. We need to do better. We can’t assume she knows anything right now about going potty. And now, with this, I don’t think she should be going on her own. We need to watch this, that is, if the doctor doesn’t do something else about it first.” “We should take her to see the doctor.” “I’m going to call Arnold. You get Cait a bath so we can take her to see a doctor. It will be telling if she messes up another pair of underpants on the way there. We’ll take these with us, too, just in case. I don’t know what is going on, and it’s scaring me, Eiboh.” “Alright, well call Arnold. I’ll get Cait a bath.” “I didn’t mean to ….” “You didn’t do anything, sweetheart,” Auntie kissed my cheek as she helped me get my shirt off. “This is just something we should have caught earlier. It’s not normal to poop like this, and it’s not your fault. You are probably sick or something, Cait.” “I don’t feel sick.” “It’s okay, Cait. You are just too used to something that should have been treated probably before you came to stay with us. Just let me clean you up, child. And don’t be scared, okay? We’ll get to the bottom of this and help you.” “Okay.” Chapter 39 So… This? Auntie put me in some clean underwears and the put pajamas on me. I didn’t ask. I never really been to a doctor before. I just knew they were scared, and I saw Auntie getting some extra underwears for me and an extra pajama bottoms for me. “You’re allowed to poop your pants, Cait,” Auntie told me as she dressed me. “This is about finding out why you can’t control it, Cait. It’s not shame, okay?” I frowned and nodded. “Okay.” “Baby, you are going lie in the car this time and you can suck your thumb. No need to tell us if you pee again, baby. We’ll know because the doctor has to see. I’ll have to tell the doctor about the day you came and all your accidents because these are important clues to figuring out how hard your physical problems are, love.” “So, he has to know I pooped in the bath twice?” “Yes, sweetheart. It’s the only way he can understand what is happening to you. You won’t be in trouble, little lady. We just want to help you. You shouldn’t be struggling with runs every time you need to use the toilet, okay?” “Okay.” They laid me in the car, and Auntie sat in back with me, my head in her lap. “Suck your thumb, sweetheart.” I smiled up at her. She kept telling me to do it, and once I started to do it, I realized more than ever, that I needed to do it now, of all the times I’d ever done it, this was… it was calming more than I knew. I felt some pre-pee again. I just hoped it wasn’t poop. Sean had the little girl in his arms about forty minutes later, and they were walking into the emergency room of a hospital. Auntie Eiboline called out “Help! Now!” There in the lobby. The little redhead’s eyes were closed and she was breathing heavily, as though she were asleep. There was something squishy that seeped brown liquid down to the floor where Sean held the little girl. A nurse came over. “What happened? What is the emergency?” “I don’t exactly know what the emergency is,” Sean admitted. “But she’s been having runs all week, and no solid poops that we are aware of. This on top of a lot of other things since she came to stay with us. We need a doctor to figure out what is going on with her. We found her with a mess in her underpants earlier just before lunch…. Well, to not shame her worse because I don’t know if she’s awake or not, it’s enough to know that her little body isn’t going to the bathroom like a normal ten year old’s body, and it’s nothing to do with her being different in the way she thinks.” The nurse nodded. “It’s just been this week?” “I don’t think so,” Sean frowned. “What do you mean, you don’t think so? Haven’t you been keeping an eye on your daughter?” Sean sighed. “She’s a relative. She’s staying with us for the summer, and we just got her on Saturday. She’s been really struggling with a lot of things, to be honest, but this one… it’s not normal. You’d have to ask her how long she’s been pooping her underwear and how long it’s been nearly always liquid like this.” “Well, I don’t know if the doctor can see her without a legal guardian’s presence.” “Well, tell them that she’s had the runs for a week, and that she didn’t even notice she’d pooped her pants this last last time.” The nurse frowned. “Do you have anyway to contact her parents?” “I do,” Eiboline responded. I was breathing heavy, and I had my eyes closed. It was the only way I could cope. My hands were tight around Kookaberry. I felt more stuff go in my pants… not pee. I hate pooping my pants! The nurse gave the guardians some papers to fill out and then she went back into the little window office where she talked animatedly with others. “Cait, hon?” Sean whispered. “I’m sorry to wake you, but we need help on these forms.” “I can’t read,” Cait whispered. “I know,” Sean patted her now dirty back. The mess was all over her back. She was in dire discomfort. But he had to be patient. The hospital had to know a much as possible before they’d see her. They didn’t seem to think this was an emergency. “When’s your birthday, Cait?” “November fifth?” “Good girl,” Sean whispered while Auntie wrote it down. Cait felt more stuff leak in her underwears and pool in Uncle’s lap. “How long have you been pooping your pants?” “Do I have to?” Cait nearly whined. “They won’t know enough without knowing a time frame.” “Can’t I just say when I started to not always make it and it was more water than poop? Do I have to tell them that the teachers in second grade and third grade thought I was just….” Sean sighed. “When did it become water-like, and you had trouble feeling it come out, Cait?” “Um… this year? I think just after Christmas was the first time I had the runs for a few days. Daddy said I just had the flu. But then I had the runs again like before February. Daddy said I just didn’t get over the flu yet.” Sean whispered. “That stupid….” but stopped himself. “Cait, when was the first time you remember pooping your pants at school… even first or second grade?” “Second grade? I think. I just remember sitting there… peeing coming out in my chair for a minute, and I put my hand down not wanting the teacher to know I went in my pants… and then a second later, it started to poop myself. I was so scared. It was like hours… but someone noticed, a kid, before we went to recess. He told the whole class I sat there and pooped in my chair. I could only look down at the desk top, scared.” “Did you know you were pooping that time?” “Yeah. I kind of did it on… well, not purpose exactly. I was trying to keep it in because I knew Daddy would be mad if I pooped my panties, and I would lose all my friends if I did that. I already only had three friends because I was the only pee pee pants baby.” “You listen to me, Cait,” Sean whispered desperately. “Ruth saw you, hon. She knows you’re not a baby, and she doesn’t mind if you poop your panties. You focus on that, if you need validation that going potty whether in undies or the toilet is a nice way to decide if people can be friends. You wouldn’t have wanted those people that called you names to be your friends, anyway, love. Trust me, I’ve had ‘friends’ in the past that I could have done without.” Cait looked up at him. “Okay.” “When you feel it coming out, does it hurt?” “I don’t think so. Sometimes… it feels like a little fire, but it goes away as soon as I start going in my pants….” “Do you ever have to push to get it going?” “Um… that’s why I doing it on purpose, Daddy says. I am sometimes pushing because it hurts, but it won’t come out in the toilet right away. And then someone else needs the toilet, so I started not going to the toilet until I get pre-stuff. And the pre-stuff kept turning into real stuff sooner and sooner. And then… it started to not get control. And now, it just comes out.” Cait was breathing heavy and her thumb went in her mouth as she squeezed her bear. She pottied a little more in her Undies. “It went again,” she whispered. “It’s okay, Cait. As soon as you feel it, right now, I want you to just do it. No holding back right now, sweetheart.” Sean was sincere with her. “But if you feel it when it comes out or just before, it would be good to know how long you feel it before it comes out.” “I’ll try. But it’s hard to notice sometimes, and other times, I just can’t wait more than a moment and it just comes. I’m not even pushing. Honest.” “Does your tummy feel empty?” “I don’t know.” There was sudden yelling in the windowed office and a man in blue clothes that were like work clothes, maybe? And he came out of there his face red. “Stupid, stupid, I can’t believe this…. Permission from parents, yes. Leaving a ten year old in the lobby messing herself? How do they think they’d feel if they were the ones going all over the floor because someone said they couldn’t see a doctor?” Though the doctor was clearly trying mutter it, his muttering was loud enough that Cait heard him. “Yeah, you people come with me. We’ll have you wait back here until we can call her parents, okay? Little miss, did you finish in your pants,” his questions were even lower now. “I don’t know,” Cait said honestly. “She can’t tell sometimes,” Sean said. “Her body hasn’t released anything in a while though.” “She’s gotten you, good, hasn’t she?” The doctor smiled at Sean and Cait. “She’s just been managing a problem she can’t and I’m just telling her to do it, until a doctor tells her the right way to fix this… I see no reason for her suffer, so I told her to just poop if she feels it coming.” “May I see the clipboard?” He looked it over and then handed it back. “Well, you fill out whatever else you think you can answer, and then whether the hospital wants to pay for my time or not, I will take a look at her. The bureaucrats can stuff it.” Cait giggled. As the doctors talked, Cait felt the sheets rub her thighs, and she felt a pinch in her arm. She hear the doctor say something to Sean. His speech was distant and almost like an echo that didn’t quite repeat. The space was closing in as her eyes shut on the examination table. Cait didn’t really know what the adults said after that, she didn’t know if the doctor gave her something or what really happened. All she knew, was that there was nothing for a bit, and then, she was a little girl, maybe a first grader. It felt like she was waking up or something, maybe she had fallen asleep in class, only she never used to sleep during class. “Mrs. O’co(r)nner, Cait’s done did it again,” classmate points under her chair while other kids laughed. Cait looked up at the teacher, her hands with scissors and paper in them, and her skirt a soggy wet pee-pee with a puddle in her chair and on the floor. “Again? Cait?” Mrs. O’co(r)nnor asked. “This is the third time this week, it’s it? You tell everyone you have to pee when we are reading, and then you stay in there for almost the whole period but say nothing at art time? How stupid are you, girl?” Her eyes blinked and she felt herself sitting in the office with her dad, principal, and her second grade teacher talking. “Just make her sit in it,” Dad said pulling at his hair. “If you don’t take her bait, maybe she’ll stop pissing herself.” “You know very well we can’t do that, Mr. Weimer,” the principal told him. “There is the health aspect of other kids, and there is also the message we’d be sending the other students….” “The only message I see here, is that if you are going to purposefully wet your pants like that, then it won’t get you any undue attention. You do it to yourself, and you wear it.” The nurse sighed. Was this the third grade conversation, the second grade one, or the first grade one. Cait lost track. “Well, we can’t do that.” Now the school nurse was talking to him. So I need you to start packing her clothes that she can change into. She wets herself twice a day sometimes, so two sets should be sufficient. If you have her bring them to class in the mornings, her teacher can send her clothes to me to make sure she’s changed when someone notices.” “Fine. We’ll send clothes with her. But if you are going to do this for her and teach her it’s okay to wet her pants, you are going to deal with her pissing herself at school. I’m not taking time off work for this nonsense.” There was a long period of silence, and then Cait started to get the blurry image of the time in the middle of March, this last school year. “Cait!” Mrs. Evan frowned. “Honey! I told you to just ask. I’ll let you go to the bathroom rather than watch you poop all over yourself!” Cait felt her stomach tighten as the teacher scolded her, and she blinked out of view again. Cait had a note from school. She showed her mom. “You pooped your pants at school again, Cait? You know this isn’t good, don’t you?” There was some quiet again. There was darkness. Slowly Cait started to feel the rub of the hospital sheets on her legs. She felt her eyes trying to pull open. Cait started to feel herself waking out of a sleep she didn’t think was normal. Her eyes took a moment to focus while the doctor was talking to Sean. “We did contact her mother. It seems that they were told some time ago that some kids just don’t like school and it seems to invoke some problems with bathroom control, but what seems to be the missing thing here, is that they either didn’t understand, or it was never convey to them that this condition rarely extends past first grade.” “So….?” “Well, I mean, the fact is… they seem to have limited money, which means, they likely went to the cheapest doctor available at the time.” Cait frowned over at the doctor wondering how costing her dad more money could possibly make him love her move. “I don’t know if it was incompetency, a bureaucratic decision to stop all treatments before any started, or what it was, but I think the parents may have been told wrong things about the little dear, and that’s why she doesn’t understand what is happening to her, and her parents keep shaming her instead of fixing the problem.” “How do you mean?” Sean rubbed cait’s back. “Well, unfortunately, Mr. Kinsella,” the doctor shifted in his seat and rubbed his chin. Cait crawled into Uncle Sean’s lap and noticed they had removed her underwears and she was in a hospital gown. “Some institutions are more about making money than taking care of the person,” the doctor shook his head. “We doctors, as individual doctors, take an oath that we see whoever we get regardless of ability to pay.” A flash of the look Crop Daddy gets when he goes for the belt flashed across the man’s eyes, but he wasn’t looking at Cait or Sean. He was staring at her chart. “Likely, they went to a welfare doctor, and while they take the same oaths, sometimes the institution gets in their way.” “Which means?” “It means that there a lot of people at fault for her problems” he closed the file. “And none of which is the little miss.” The doctor frowned at the door. “She’s done everything she can to be normal, with a very abnormal situation that should have been fixed a long time ago.” “So you know what the problem is?” “The problem isn’t one problem,” the doctor shook his head, his eyes at the floor. This could take a long while. The most urgent problem is that she has a hernia, meaning her colon is out of place.” “I’ve heard that term before, I don’t really know what it means,” Auntie whispered. “Well, it means her intestines are supposed to be in the area we tell kids is the stomach on their body. When the intestines move, caused by weakness in the body tissues in multiple places in the body, that can cause blockages. “So, her insides are not where they are supposed to be?” Auntie asked the doctor to be clear. She rubbed Cait’s arm. Cait suddenly realized that Auntie was an (a-dolt) and that means she knows stuff. She not asking about knowing it for herself. She asking for me! “How does this cause problems though?” “Well, if for example, it gets trapped where it can share the space where she pees, it can cause her to retain urine, too, causing peeing troubles. But it can also cause it to bend sharp, too sharp, and that can make pooping flowing in her body to get stuck.” There were several minutes of silence while Sean, Auntie, and Cait processed what the doctor said. “The longer we leave this like this, the longer it causes problems for her. We can soften the stool and help her get rid of what is there, but it’s not a true cure. It’s a temporary solution until we find a way to make the hospital and government happy about who is giving consent for Cait’s care.” “What do we do?” “We need to immediately apply for a special permission for the state insurance to correct the hernia. Whether they accept and pay for it or not, this needs to be done immediately. Secondly, it will take time for her bowel to return to normal, so something to help her manage the problem without shame is best.” “Not diapers?” Cait whispered interrupting the doctor. “Why not diapers?” he asked her. “I’m not a baby.” Sean frowned. “No diapers, Cait. I promise. Let the doctor and me talk, sweetie. We are starting to understand some stuff. You just relax.” “That’s only the most urgent issues we need to look at,” the doctor told him. There’s going to be more.” “You mentioned that it could be the cause of her peeing troubles?” Sean frowned. “Yes, Mr. Kinsella. It’s not a wonder her family being on welfare didn’t look into it. It’s an uphill struggle to get through everything that needs to be done.” “Well, if Dan and Maire were to give custody of their child to me with a power of attorney, could I do something more to make sure she gets the help she needs?” “It could get expensive real fast. I’d let Welfare cover as much as they are willing before you commit your own finances.” “And that’s already worked so well…,” Sean frowned at the doctor. The doctor seemed to tap a pen on his knee for minutes, as though that might help them come to a better understanding or cause something to open a door or something. “This little baby has been suffering because of all of this, and it’s impacted more than her physical health.” Sean patted her leg. “Her mental state is a shambles, all caused by this stupid Goddamned state stuff! I don’t care to ask for another penny from this troll.” The doctor frowned sadly. “So…. Can I?” Cait whispered. “Can I ask?” “Yes, child,” the doctor whispered to her. “It’s your health, child. You may ask anything you want.” “So… when I pooped my pants on purpose, I mean, I didn’t do it like I wanted it in my pants, but…. I mean…,” blushed getting red in the face. “Cait? This isn’t about what you did. Just ask your question, okay? I promise, no one thinks you pooped in your pants on purpose right now, at least not most of the time.” “Well… when I pushed my stomach to get it ready so it would come out but then I couldn’t stop it, and it went in my pants…?” “Not your fault, child. You were frustrated and you thought you were doing what you could to not be shamed for having less control than you have. You pushed yourself to poo, but likely did it too much because you were afraid of taking too long. Yes?” Cait nodded. “And that is what caused you to poop your pants, little lady. Not a will to poop yourself, but the desire to not be a problem, right?” Cait nodded. “Like I said, you were the only one trying to do the right thing for a while, and when a child isn’t supported, especially in a situation like this, it’s going to cause trouble.” The doctor smiled a soft eye dancing understanding kind of thing. “Child? You did nothing wrong. It’s a tummy trouble, not a child doing gross, bad, or attention getting behaviors. Understand?” Cait sat there thinking while the conversation worked itself back to Sean and the doctor. “I will pay for the child, if I can get Dan to give me custody of her for a little while.” “If you are sure about that, you’d need to get working on your relatives giving you specifically power of attorney in making decisions for her health and education for probably anywhere between the next six months and two years. She’s got a lot of problems, and if the mental issues are bad that are related, she’ll need counseling as well.” “You can start treating her though?” “I can start. I am not able to have blanket discretion though. If the hospital isn’t paid for its tests and other facility uses, they can make us do it without that support and that would hurt her recovery.” “Don’t worry. I am planning on fully leveling this stuff with our dear old cousins and letting them know how severe it is,” Sean leaned in towards the doctor. “So I need to know what else is going on.” “Her urine is indicating she’s had an infection for a bit long and while it hasn’t hurt her kidneys just yet, we can’t wait for it to reach that point.” “We’ll contact them, don’t you worry. We want this little child as healthy as she can be. “Uncle Sean? Am I still allowed to pee my pants, when I want?” Sean looked at the doctor. “I was meaning to address that. So… we’ve been letting her have permission not to be potty trained for a while….” Sean looked him in the eye like this was important. The doctor sat up and Cait saw him touch his chin thoughtfully, and then he whispered. “What do you mean by that?” “We tell our little one that she’s just not ready to be potty trained yet, at least until she feels safe. That means not just with her physical ability, but she stops beating herself up mentally when she accidentally wets her pants out of some fear or some stupid rule that some people have made her believe is more important than her health.” The doctor shook his head. “Honestly, most people would find that hard to keep up with.” He shuffled in his chair a moment. It would require people around her to be willing to keep her dry and clean the whole time you are letting her do it this way….” “Her mother’s cousin that she knows as Auntie and I have been trying to keep up with it, and we’re trying to get her to tell us when she’s peed or something.” “Well, it could help if she’s not anxious about getting to the toilet in time. I’d caution that you let her decide so you’re not forcing her to pee on herself, but if she’s just not got control of herself, or she’s the one choosing to do it for her own agency, then it could help her.” “But, she’d want to blame herself, doctor. You don’t understand the state she fights all the time. I can’t give her agency like that… not with her limited understanding of what deserves shame and what doesn’t.” “Then take her to see a counselor,” the doctor frowned. “I am not qualified to tell you what is right when it comes to the mind. But I just want to caution you not to hurt her the other way because you care too much. You need to find the right balance at the right time if you want her to grow up healthy.” Cait looked up at the doctor. “I want it to be okay that I pee my pants… just a little longer… that on takes out the belt, and they don’t’ asspect me to keep inside when it hurts, and I can just push, and be allowed to fully poopy my pants and they hug me and yell at me,” tears were in her eyes. “And I can keep Kookaberry and I can put my thumb in my mouth, and I can just… just be Cait even if I not like everyone.” Sean looked from Cait to the doctor. “You tell me, is my keeping her not potty trained hurting her, for just a little bit, or is it hurting her? You were right there. I didn’t have any time to coax her. She heard you, and she heard me. Does it really harm her to potty train her right after we fix her issues with her body, and after she feels safe once her issues are fixed?” The doctor sighed. “This is a matter between you and your cousins. I don’t pretend to know what would mentally be the outcome. I just think you should have her see a counselor regardless of what is decided here. She’ll need time to process what happened to her either way.” “Only if the counselor doesn’t make me use the toilet,” Cait frowned with her arms crossed. “Counselors, principals, school nurses, and everyone like them… they scary. I not going to promise not to pee my pants at the counselor. And I not promising to talk to them, too. Only if at least Auntie Grandma comes in with me because she strict, but she makes it feel like learning and not that I bad if I poop my underwears.” “That’s up to the counselor normally, child. But I’m sure if you complain enough and won’t talk to her without your named role model at your side, the counselor will have to give in if they want to get anywhere, and especially if your Uncle threatens to take you somewhere else meaning they lose you as a financial resource. Sometimes, money matters to adults, little brave mouse.” Cait pulled the gown closed around her trying to not show herself off. Mommy said only bad girls show themselves off. She had no real context, but she knew that one day, daddy caught Grainne without clothes on when Grainne was being silly. It was some time ago, but Grainne got in really big trouble for being in the living room in just panties and an undershirt. Cait remember the belt across her big sister’s butt like twenty times. That was one of the biggest no-nos ever, even bigger than Cait moving while she’s peeing her pants. “Can’t I have my underwears back?” Cait whispered up at Uncle Sean. “Why still gotta keep me in this. My backside shows when I not in your lap, and it’s scary.” “I’m sorry, pet,” Sean kissed the side of her face. “The doctor isn’t done. He’s waiting for permission, which is why your Auntie is in the hall trying get hold of your parents. If they can at least get word of mouth from your mom, the doctor said he can give you some medicine to help get the poopies out of your body tonight, and that will help you for a few days until we can get papers done to let them help you.” “What if I peed or worse, pooped. I don’t have the underwears to stop it getting on the floor or stuff.” “The doctor is already aware of how likely it is for you to wet or do another poopy, baby. He’s been discussing that very thing and how we move forward to getting it to stop, hon. We are talking of giving you full control of your body back, even if we choose to wait a little longer on toilet training. Better in a healthy body and choosing to poop your pants is better than being sick and unable to choose when it happens.” Cait nodded her head seemed to take on this authority as if she was the one that knew what Sean said as the only expert in the room on it. She may well have been. Chapter 40 The Quiet Before A nurse came in and whispered something to the doctor. “Excuse me a moment. I’ll be back soon. You stay here, Cait, and if you feel going potty again, don’t get scared or worried. Just stand up and get comfortable. There is a little potty chair over there if you can make it, but if goes on the floor, it’s okay.” Cait put her thumb in her mouth and held Kookaberry tighter. Sean took a deep breath. He glanced to Cait sucking her thumb, to the doctor’s desk, and yet his eyes…. Cait didn’t think his eyes saw anything. His mouth was tight. He seemed as though he was looking inside, like you to behind your eyes, only they are open. “What are you thinking on?” Cait whispered. “Adult stuff.” “An dolt stuff that means talking Daddy about you paying doctors?” Cait asked. “Sometimes, Cait, you observe too much,” Sean rubbed her head. “Oh.” Cait remembered that Auntie says she talks too much, and it hurts sometimes. Maybe Uncle is hurting, and he needed her to be quiet of what she knew. “I’m sorry.” “Sorry?” Uncle whispered as he patted Cait’s leg. “Hon, you need to stop saying your sorry for everything. You don’t do anything half the time to need to feel guilt.” “But I talk too much.” “You talk as much as you need to say what is important, Cait. You talk a lot less than most children your age.” Cait settled in Uncle Sean’s lap a big deeper, and then feeling his quiet, much like she did when passing a place that made Auntie sad, a place that was her pre-something like Cait’s pre-pees, she hugged him. She can comfort with her body. The overhead clock ticked, though when Cait looked it was still big hand between the five and the six. It didn’t move. There were muffled voices that passed the closed door to the room here and again. Whispers that could be about Cait, or maybe not. Cait didn’t know. “Your Daddy will tell Uncle Sean that this isn’t good. You’re just a baby. Spending money to make you stop doing what you want to do…. Daddy will….” Cait sucked on her thumb harder and narrowed her eyes at the ghost. It faded. More sounds outside. Uncle’s heart beat was strong, and his gaze at her when she looked up, was soft and kind. His gentle hand landed right on her bare back because the gown opened in the back. It was hard, but gentle. She could see why animals who needed to birth their babies to him trust him. He could catch them, and be gentle at the same time. She sighed. Uncle didn’t react when her body squirted pee on him, and then did it again. He pulled her closer and rubbed her back with more attention, until she fully peed. “Good girl, pet. No more waiting. You either get yourself to the potty, or if you start peeing, you just do it, baby. No one cares here.” She laid her face on his strong chest. She looked up at the clock gain. The big hand had moved. It was on the eight. The door opened. Cait’s eyes immediately went to Sean’s lap where she peed on him, and then around her shoulder to the back to the floor. The doctor came into the room with a nurse. They were talking about needing papers completed and the doctor was telling her that the director approved things as they were. “Look, the director said to go ahead and treat her for now. We will do the paper work, and then we can do the big stuff when they get permission from their cousins. This can’t wait.” “And what happens when their cousins don’t sign something over? We use our facility to do work that isn’t paid for. How is that fair to paying people?” “Look, I’m in the patient’s room. You need to go talk to the director if you disagree with him. But for now, get out of my patient’s presence with that attitude.”

Chapter 25 The Swing State Not the Show Me State Cait sat on the swing with Kookaberry in her lap staring at the other kids in the park. She wanted to play, but she was scared. What if they don’t like her? So she sat there for a little bit, just watching. There were maybe ten boys and girls running around, chasing each other. It looked like a lot of fun. “They’re having fun,” she told Kookaberry. “You would have fun.” “What if they don’t like me?” “What if they do?” The whispers carried out a little, but it was hard for Cait to gauge how much it did. She hadn’t talked to anyone other than the stuffed bear, the ghost, Uncle and Auntie now for a few days, and even at home before coming to the Dairy place, she just didn’t really say much there either. She was always in trouble there, and being quiet meant not being noticed, even if she was in poopy panties, at least no one noticed until she was at the table where they saw her or she asked for something, then she’d be in trouble and still didn’t always get help with what she wanted. “What if they go and tell Uncle and Auntie that I did something bad?” she asked Kookaberry. “But what would they tell them?” The bear seemed to reach to her neck and hug her. “You didn’t do anything to them, so they can’t tell on you. And anyway, see over there?” Cait looked over and saw Uncle and Auntie talking, but they were watching the little lonely girl, too. They seemed to be whispering and their glances at her told her that they were worried. They didn’t look mad. They looked like they wanted to come over, but then they looked at the other kids, and they sat back down, as if walking over would stop the other kids from talking to her. Suddenly, from the back of her head, she heard a shy little whisper and felt a poke in the middle of her back. “How come you by yourself not even playing on the swing right?” Cait turned to face a girl that might have been her age, she wasn’t sure. She was maybe a little shorter. She looked at the bear in her arms and her thumb in her mouth. Cait quickly pulled her thumb out. “We’re all play tag over there,” the girl stepped back a little. Her nose wrinkled a little bit. “You look like you’re all by yourself. Some of us were thinking that you shouldn’t be sitting all by yourself. It just looks sad. Do you… do like to play with others?” “Yeah,” Cait whispered her face getting red. “I’d really like to.” “How about you give your Dad and Mom your Bear and come and play with us?” “They’re not exactly my Dad and Mom.” “Oh. Well, if you wanted, you could take your bear, bit it looks so clean. I just didn’t think you wanted to drop it.” “Yeah, can I take Kookaberry over to them? They’re my mom’s cousins but I call them Aunt and Uncle.” “I’ll walk over partway with you.” “Okay.” “Um… can I ask you something?” “Okay?” “Did you kind of pee your pants?” “No?” “Oh, okay. It’s just you stink a little bit.” “I’m sorry. I didn’t pee though.” “Well, if you wanted to know where the bathroom was, you have to go the Seven-eleven around the corner. The Park doesn’t have one… if you’re getting ready to pee.” “I’m not. I promise.” “Okay.” She stopped a few feet from the bench where Aunt and Uncle were now smiling at me. “Did you make a friend, pet?” Auntie asked. “I don’t know. She said I stink, but she said I can still play.” I looked back at her she smile at me. “Well, we all have our own odors,” Sean put a hand on me. “Maybe she’s just not used to you yet.” “She said I stink like pee.” Auntie frowned. “Did you pee your pants, sweetheart?” “No?” “Do you want to go, Pet?” Uncle asked. I shook my head no. “Well, go play,” Auntie took Kookaberry. “We’ll be here if you need us.” I sighed and nodded. “Okay. I just hope everyone doesn’t do what kids usually do.” “If they do, you come and get us and we’ll find another place to play, Cait. You don’t deserve that, okay?” Auntie looked sternly at me. “Don’t put up with them being mean even if actually wet your pants a little bit, you still don’t deserve it.” “Okay.” I ran back to the blond girl with light freckles. “I’m Ruth,” She smiled at me. “If anyone says anything meaner than telling you the truth about the stink, you tell me. I’ll push them down. I’m stronger than half of them, and the other half, we don’t have to play with.” “Huh?” “What’s your name?” “Cait?” “That’s a different name. Is it like the animal.” “No. It said different. It makes with an ‘I’ in the middle. It comes from the old country that my Mama is from and my Aunt is from.” “Oh, like German?” “I don’t think it Jeromy. I think it Englass, but different.” “Oh. Well, do you cry if someone calls you a cat or says meow at you?” “Sometimes.” “Good. Because I’m telling them the rule that you are NOT a cat and anyone that meows isn’t allowed to play with us.” “Really?” “Yeah. It’s mean to make your friends cry, and I not going to let them make you cry, even if you did pee your pants.” “But I didn’t, I promise. I can pull down my pants and show you.” “No. I’m sorry. Don’t do that. I’ll stop saying it. I just was trying to be your friend, and I guess… I really thought you did and you were scared that you did. I didn’t mean to make you cry.” “Okay.” “Time out, everyone! Time out. No tagging, Billy! I have a new friend and she’s playing so listen up!” Ruth was definitely in charge out here like Kookaberry is at home. That’s what Cait decided. “This is Cait, and that’s not Ca-at with a meow, David,” she put her hands on her hips when she saw a boy starting to whisper to his closest neighbor. “It’s cah with an ‘it’ in it, and it’s pretty. And if you meow at her, tell her she peed her pants, or anything else mean, I don’t care, you’re not playing no more. We don’t need you to play if you are mean to my new friend.” “Yeah,” a group of five girls joined Ruth. “What about the rule that new people are always it?” Billy, a bigger boy with heavy arms asked. “She’s new. We giving a pass this time.” “No, I can be it,” Cait felt a heavy feeling that she couldn’t explain and whispered. Ruth turned and faced Cait. “Cait, I don’t think that’s a good idea this time. If someone touches you, you can be it, but you need to feel the freedom to run with someone at your side for a minute. I can tell. People pick on you.” “How do you know?” “Because you are too quiet and quick to prove you didn’t do something and you shouldn’t have to feel that way. And because you still look scared. And the way you look at Billy, like he might hit you or something. I don’t want you to think that anyone here is going to be mean. And I want to run with you until you forget about being picked on.” “Okay.” Billy, strong and blocky, the kind of tank Uncle was probably at school walked closer. His face looked a little bit like Ruth. “Wait, someone picked on you before?” he asked. “It’s my fault.” “Oh, the hell it is, Cait. You tell Ruth if anyone says anything! If anyone picks on my sister, and my sister is picked on when her friends are, and she’ll get me, and I’ll pound ‘em. You don’t put up with that here, Cait!” He looked around. “If anyone so much as makes a little cat noise, and well, you best walk away from playing right now. You don’t want to deal with me if you start picking on her during play. So, David? Barbara? Yeah, you know I’ll hit a girl, if that girl is bigger than another girl, especially bigger than my sister and picking on her.” Barbara walked away. “Good. Now that’s settled, I’ll be it in Cait’s place. Cait, you stick with my sister when you’re not being chased. She likes you.” Then we started running! -- We ran through the jungle gym and hid under there for a minute to take a breathing break. “That’s my brother,” Ruth out proudly at him. “A little slow and dumb sometimes, but really smart when I went need him to be. And he’s pretending we’re not even here. See how he’s purposefully moving so we can’t get away when we are ready to run, but how he’s looking for someone else. He does that sometimes for me.” “I thought brothers just chase you as soon as they saw your—or sisters.” “If you are just playing with each other, maybe?” Ruth frowned. “Unless you know something I don’t? But in my house, yeah, he will chase me until he catches me if it’s just family, but when there are other kids to chase, if he can see I’m holding my side and need to really rest, he switches targets as if I’m not there.” “Really?” “Yeah. And if someone else is it, he will get closer to them than me if he thinks I’m tired too. If they ignore him, he says chicken! Slow ass! You have to pick on the tired because you too slow and you know it! Like that!” “He protects you all the time, huh?” “Like I said, sometimes a little dumb. Sometimes, I deserve to get caught, but I would never trade him for anyone else. He’s going into sixth grade this year, and I’m in fourth.” “I’m in fifth grade this coming year.” “Oh, nice! I can say I have a big friend, now. Not just my brother’s friends! Yay!” “I hear you two talking,” Billy told us. “Everyone can. So I have to chase you. You gave yourselves away getting loud!” “Come and get us then! Go that way, Cait!” And we started running. Even when I was it, it was fun! “Nanny nanny goat!” they wiggled their hands in their ears. “Too slow, Irish or Scottish girl!” They never once said Cait, and when Ruth’s mom came to end the game as the sun started to set, Ruth led her over and it seemed she knew Auntie. “That’s the niece you were talking about a couple of weeks ago at church, then?” “That’s my little cousin,” Eiboline whispered. “She’s very helpful around the house, too.” “Mom? She’s Ruth’s friend. She is pretty cool, too. She has a Scottish name or an Irish name or something. I know it has to be that because she says her family isn’t exactly English, but she’s from the same place, so it has to be Irish or Scottish, right?” “Well, the Kinsellas are Irish,” his mom smiled. Billy smiled. “I knew it! Can Cait have a sleep over some day with Ruthie?” “I said not to call me Ruthie in front of my friends. I’m not a baby no more!” “Ruthie, Ruthie Ruthie,” Billy patted her head. “It’s just your shy friend, Cait, Ruth. She’s not going to say anything mean about it.” I looked down. “It’s not a good idea for me to stay the night,” Cait whispered. “Why?” Ruth asked bright eyed. “If you need anything like medicine or stuff, mom has helped my friends before if they needed help. I once had a girl come and stay who needed help to get around when she was in crutches because she broke her leg. No one minds helping you if you need anything.” Auntie smiled. “We’ll talk about it later, Ruth. Cait… she’s just had some adjusting even in our house. It could be good for her at some point, but not just yet, okay?” “Okay. But she’ll come to the park again. Promise?” “I’ll call your mom next time we are thinking about a park trip, okay?” “Yay! And mom can call you!” Sean didn’t put Kookaberry into my hands until we got back to the car, and his only word was, “now.” as he helped me into the car. The sun was moving out of where we can see, but from under the ground it’s last light was making the clouds orange and pink and red. It was very pretty as we got into the car. “Ruth is so fun, Auntie. She knows I pee my pants, but she plays with me anyway.” “What do you mean she knows, pet?” “She said I stink like pee, and she told me about the bathroom, and when I tried to tell her I didn’t and I don’t want to, she didn’t let me pull my pants down to show her. She said I don’t have to prove it. And she still thought I peed until I said I can show her. She said she was sorry she said I did. But then she told everyone at the playground that no one is allowed to call me a cat or make cat sounds before we played, and then her big brother looked right at these two kids when he said anyone that makes his sister cry, he will make them cry. And his sister friends getting picked on is the same as her getting it, and he going to make them cry if they make me cry. And then we played and no one said nothing about cats at all. They just did the normal stuff with chase that everyone does. They did call me Iris girl and skotash girl. But I didn’t care. It was just true and it wasn’t really mean.” I looked at Kookaberry. “You were right. I didn’t know kids can be nice if I didn’t try. Thank you for telling with your Just-a-mind thingy at Ruth to play with me. You knew, didn’t you?” Chapter 26 A Long, long, long Three After The Park Cait felt a little uncomfortable tightness in her side when she was talking, but it didn’t quite tell her what was wrong. She just kept talking about Ruth and about having these friends who didn’t call her a cat, and only when she ran out of breath, did she pull air through her teeth like she knew something was wrong. Not yet having heard, the pull of air through teeth, Sean started the car and the car started to roll towards the parking exit. “You had a really long recess,” Cait heard in her head. Cait’s face was still heated from all the chasing and playful calling at the tagger. She recalled another moment when one of the girls was about to climb up the same level on the jungle gym after her, and she jumped onto the slide, the movement feeling like flight through the blue sky as she saw the clouds for just a moment going down the slippery surface. Her underpants already felt warm and she knew she had some pre-pee in them again, but the feeling had gone away the minute she thought it came when she saw Ruth coming after her laughing and calling out “I’ll get you Irish girl!” “The fun was great, huh?” But there was something off about how the voice said it. That wasn’t Kookaberry. Cait’s legs pumped up and down to get closer together. “What do you want, ghost?” “Nothing.” “Are you alright back there, Pet?” Auntie Eiboline called back sort of breaking the ghost into fragments for a moment, but then realization. Cait noticed herself. She was moving her legs closer together to stop herself needing to pee. She sucked in more air in her teeth. “Okay, Auntie,” but her breath was backwards, air coming in as she talked more than going out. The adults looked at one another. Cait felt her hand push itself between her legs, and though she was happy it still felt dry, she didn’t want them to see her hand there. Her eyes fluttered dark, Auntie’s face, dark, and face again for a moment. There was silence. Her eyes fluttered shut again. Opening them, she felt the tight tension under her eyes down to her jaw, and the pursed lips she sometimes pulled her mouth into when she was having trouble before the bottom lip flaps out again from between two of her front teeth. “You’re gonna pee your pants for real,” the ghost told her. “You were just playing. You should have went to Seven Eleven before Uncle Sean put you in the car, but you didn’t.” Cait’s face tightened and her eyes closed again, longer this time, shaking in her fist and her butt fought against the water in her eyes. “Don’t cry! They’ll notice!” When she opened her eyes at Kookaberry, Cait knew he couldn’t defend her. The ghost was right. She chose not to think about the bathroom and now it was too late. It was her fault. It was almost as if Kookaberry looked sadly at her, and maybe even moved its mouth—“I’m sorry. You did feel it earlier and you ignored it. I can’t… I can’t help this time.” Tears in my eyes got stronger as I tried to push my hands against my pants again, cramming them between my thighs to try to push on it. I didn’t want to be bad. I felt the sting of shame building and I felt the fire on my butt for the spanking I deserved for not being a big girl. I sniffled. “Cait?” Sean called back but his head was on the road. “You seem too quiet, pet. You’re not sleeping are you?” “No?” her voice came out more whiny and almost cry-ly. She noticed it herself and turned her face towards a door. “Sean, her hands. They’re in her lap. She’s wetting her pants, or scared to, one or the other. Pull over. Let’s let her know it’s okay. We don’t have to be home for her to pee, do we?” “Naw, let me just find a safe place.” “Cait, if you are trying to stop the pee, the way you are? It looks like it hurts. If it hurts, stop trying to keep it in, little one.” “The… the car. He’ll be mad….” “Your Dad isn’t….” “Not Daddy. Uncle!” Cait turned back to look at Auntie. “Maybe he won’t hit me even if he can. But he still be mad if the seat is wet.” Uncle Sean whispered “Now.” The car slowed. “Cait, pet? I’m not going to be mad about the seat. I’m not. I don’t care about the seat. We can clean the seat.” “He’s lying. It’s his nice car… nicer than Ford, Daddy’s one. He likes this car. You better not.” Cait felt a little bit drizzle against her will, and she felt it getting her legs wet. “I’m ten. I can’t just pee in cars.” “Cait,” Auntie Eiboline frowned. “You are going to hurt inside your body, girl. Your insides are more important and harder to fix than a wet seat is. Just pee, little pet.” “I… I can’t.” “Cait?” the car was still rolling as though looking for a safe stop. “I mean it,” Uncle said. “We had this talk before, pet. Poopy underpants over hurting your tummy, child. I don’t want you getting sick. We can change you when we get home, but you pee those things right now. You’re hurting, child.” The car stopped. “Eiboline, it has to be me. It’s me she’s scared is going to punish. It’s me that’s got to show her it’s not happening. Just be there for when she runs to you, but let me.” Cait was still wetting, trying to stop it, but still peeing in her pants. It was impossible to stop, and it seemed to be going on and on, as though she had a lake inside. Maybe she did. Sean opened her door and pulled her out and into his lap, her pee unable to be controlled even now, outside of her thoughts, it just kept going and he pulled her into his lap, her still wetting on him. “Go ahead and poop,” Sean whispered even as the peeing started to settle and just squirt. “I don’t think it can.” “Try child. I don’t want you holding it. You don’t hold it until you need both hands to keep from wetting your pants anymore. Remember this morning, Cait-i-kins? I told you even if you asked for the toilet before, and we thought you went? That it’s okay to pee your pants?” “I didn’t obey you,” Cait frowned at Uncle. “I didn’t go before you got back. I went in the bathroom, but it didn’t come out.” “That doesn’t mean you get hit for peeing your pants, child. Pee’s not like that. It comes out when it’s ready. You did what you could. You sat on the toilet, right?” “Twice, and even tried to pee my pant on purpose like five times, but nothing….” “Then you did what you could. Just do me a favor and push a little on your butt muscle, and if nothing comes out right now, it’s okay. I just want to make sure you aren’t accidentally holding it.” “Okay.” Cait didn’t poop, but Uncle Sean kept holding her. “I’m going to go ahead and sit in the back. Both of us are soaked and we don’t want the driver’s seat wet, so I’ll just hold Cait the rest of the way home. Take it slow, okay? No seat belt right now.” Sean sat in the seat, and then he turned Cait so she was facing him, and he cuddled her in his arms, her butt flat on his lap, he made sure to push her legs so she knew to sit even though she felt water squeeze out of the underpants and through the pants and all over him. He pulled her close, her back wrapped in strong arms, and Kookaberry was put in her arm. “Tell her, Kookaberry. Wetting her pants isn’t a crime. If she chooses or she just makes a mistake, it’s not something she gets punished for. It’s just her learning new rules. Until she feels safe, she’s not going to be potty trained. When she wants to use the toilet, we let her, but when it’s too hard, we let her wet her pants. That’s the right way to potty train any child—but especially one as fragile as Cait-a-kins is right now.” Cait slowly drifted to sleep with all the excitement of real friends, the emotional weight of peeing her pants, and Uncle once again, just being there… it was too much, and she fell asleep, sucking her thumb, even wetting the rest in her body that she didn’t know was still there as he sat holding her until they got home. Chapter Twenty Seven Kookaburra Library Cait was on the floor, the next morning, in the living room, where the ghost didn’t have an answer to the question: “They didn’t tell me to clean up the city yet.” It just sat with ghost fumes wafting up off of its stinky pee soiled skirt. The clock read 5 little hand and 7 big hand. Uncle Sean was feeding the animals. He told the little girl, who had slept between and peed in the bed of the two people taking care of her for a second night in a row, “I need to make sure the animals feel safe and fed before we go. It wouldn’t be right for any of them to starve.” “That means Shadow, too, right?” Cait asked looking up from her city. “Yes, that would include the dog, too, pet.” “Can I feed her? Or am I too dir-” Uncle Sean gave Cait a look that made her close her mouth. “Pet, I’ve heard words I don’t like you saying because you only use them against yourself, and what you believe about yourself is how others will see you. You need to stop that. You are not dirty. You are not stupid. And you are not a baby. You are a little girl that is healing, and that’s the end of it. You are a little girl, Cait. Just—a little girl.” At six little hand and 7 big hand, Auntie came down and collected Cait in her arms. “Bath time, little pet. We are going to be out all day, and I don’t want our little girl starting out uncomfortable, now do I?” She kissed the side of her face. “Seriously, though Cait, it’s important to do your best to feel your best when you go out. No little lady should ever leave the house to go to town without a bath, first, okay?” “Even when I pee my pants all the time?” “Doesn’t matter, Cait. Taking a bath is a choice. That’s why you don’t ignore it. A little pee pee in your clothes isn’t anyone’s business and sometimes, that’s not a choice, and that’s why we don’t judge whether to take a bath based on if we pee our pants or not. Understand?” “Okay.” At little hand on the seven and big hand on the thirty… Oh, Cait knew this! At seven-thirty, the family piled into the car, and Auntie Eiboline sat in back with her this time and pointed out the window as they drove among the farms. “Your little friend, Ruth lives out that way,” she whispered. “And down that road, they have the best apples! They let kids pick upto five for free!” Cait leaned her now clean little body into her aunt and she tilted her head up like a little girl might with her mom. “Last year, the teacher found something I could read, once. It was just a one page thing with a picture on the back, but I read it. It was hard, but I did it.” “Well, a library has all kinds of books, Cait. Maybe we will find something you can read there for yourself. Have you never had a library card before.” “Our farm in Mishuree is too far from town. Takes the buss like almost a whole small hand to get to our farm from school.” “It takes almost an hour to get home from school riding the bus?” Cait nodded. “And your Dad, he got mad at you when you got off the bus?” “He was at work. He didn’t see. Mom told Grainne to clean me up before he gets home. He doesn’t see it when I ride the bus.” “Well, at least one thing done right,” Auntie muttered. The car drove a bit without any real farm Auntie talked about nor any thing else with the exception of a church on a hill in the distance. The church we all attend on Sundays was referenced only once, and then the car seemed paused, as if painted at the top of a hill, and a full wide city stretched before Cait below it. “There’s where we do most of our shopping,” Eiboline told Cait. “If you were ours, that’s where you’d go to school.” There a bit of sadness in the those last words. Cait could feel them as they sounded forced from her throat. It was like someone chopped auntie’s words in the strangest places, and then a hint of something that Cait recognized as a held cry lingered on two of the words. “Ours.” “school.” Cait looked up at Auntie, but she smiled down at Cait. Auntie wasn’t fooling her though. Those two words meant more than Auntie was telling. “I’m wearing boy clothes,” Cait reminded herself. “The dresser has boy toys all over it depicting where the baby horse child, like her self, had on invisible poopy panties the other day. The Ajax told the dog to let the baby horse go potty.” She sighed. “Maybe the clothes belongs to someone who went to school in this place?” The library was a small round building with so many cars parked around it, it felt like a Church building on a Sunday. “So many people here?” Cait looked up at Auntie. “Well, a lot of parents take their children to the library in the summer, Cait. They take them to the pool, too, sometimes. Summer is the time when many parents breathe with their children and make memories that they want to take with them for years.” “My Dad isn’t a lot of parents.” “You can say that again,” Auntie’s eyes flashed red for a moment. Cait heard it in her voice that deepened and became quieter and more slow in speaking. “Now,” Uncle Sean put a hand on either of them. “This isn’t about Dan, Eiboline. It’s about Cait building a memory with her cousin. Just mind that.” Eiboline smiled at Uncle and Cait looked up and smiled, too. “Okay,” Cait’s voice was quiet. She didn’t need to be told somehow. No one told her the rules of a library. Even at school, she wasn’t allowed to go. But somehow, she could just feel it. No one was shouting. The carpet and the rows of books meant reading space. At school, when kids did silent reading, it was done quiet. The rule was there without needing a sign that Cait could read. Cait was allowed to bring Kookaberry still in her arm and her thumb went nervously to her lips as they walked into the front desk space. There was a man behind the counter. Cait looked down at her shoes. “I would like to make a new library card,” Auntie told the man. “She’s with us all Summer, so at least usable until August 20th?” “We can do that,” their voices were soft. “This is my cousin’s child, Cait. She’s a little treat to have around. She can brighten any room if you hear her play or you watch her. She’s a very decent heart.” “How old is she?” “She’s ten.” “A little old for her thumb….” “Now,” Sean pulled me behind him for a minute. “None of that. She’s growing just fine. That habit doesn’t hurt no one.” “No, it doesn’t,” the man nodded before Sean let me back in the man’s view. “She’s had a hard time at life. So. Now.” That was all that was said about Kookaberry, my thumb, or my not ability to write anything on the card. The man just smiled and said. “That will do. Your Auntie can fill in the rest. Even here, Uncle Sean told the man not to talk about my thumb. I felt my free hand wrap around without my meaning too, and I held Uncle Sean, or more, I pulled myself into him. “Here we are,” Uncle Sean helped Cait into a chair and put her bear into her arms right where it belongs. “Now, we can look up anything you want, Cait-i-kins. Of course, we are going to find out what a Kookaburra is, but we can get stories, and maybe we can find something you feel comfortable trying to read, too, only if you want.” “I don’t read good, though.” “It’s not about reading good, Cait. It’s about being welcome to read what you can. There are lots of different kinds of books here, and some with no words at all.” “Books without words? How do you read those?” “I’ll be right back,” Auntie smiled and patted her head and then walked off towards a little space that Cait could see little kid sitting and a low shelf where kids half her size were getting books for themselves. “So, Let’s see. I think factual stuff will be that way. Let’s us go that way,” he decided the table wasn’t as important at the moment as engaging his little cousin-niece. Cait put her arms up, and Uncle Sean didn’t need words. He immediately bent down and lifted her up and carried her like was a five year old or something, but what Cait felt, was… he was carrying me because I mattered. “Okay, let’s see. Koo… Koo…,” Uncle was muttering to himself while patting my dry bottom. “Can I help you find something?” A younger girl maybe in high school asked him. “Well, we’d like to know something about Kookaburras. I know they are animals and they live in Australia….” “Ah, yes, come, I’ll show you how the card catalog works if you don’t know. You want real facts, right, not just a story?” “That’s what we want,” Uncle Sean smiled. It took her a few moments, but then she led us along the shelves explaining that 000 meant something, and 100 meant something, and so on. It was too many stuffs though because there 900s stuffs, and it seems hard to follow all the words she used, too. Uncle Sean walked back to the table and it was still open. He sat down with Cait in his lap, her legs dangled to the left and right of his lap, and he opened the book, Birds in Australia. “The librarian knew something Uncle Sean didn’t even know,” he tells Cait. “See had us look up a book about the birds of Australia. See? You don’t have to know everything. You just have to ask someone who can find the answer.” Cait turned and hugged him. “But you know about milk farms.” “Now.” He carefully turned each page until they saw a section in the book about the birds. “Well, look at that. They actually do eat gum stuff off of trees,” he laughed. “Now I really did learn something other than them being a bird!” He pointed to the words. “You can try, Caitikins. I’m here. I’ll help.” Cait started to read: Kook a burr a is a bird xat ivs in Ostoralea. “Very good!” Uncle Sean patted her lap. He reread the phrase a little faster. So, what do we know from that?” “Kookaberry is a bird that lives in Australia,” Cait smiled. “But it can laugh?” “Let’s see….” They read about the kookaburra until the end of that section, but it didn’t tell about the laughing. “Stay here a moment, pet. I’ll go see if I can find another book.” Cait saw him go, not to the box things that the librarian called a Card Cat-log, but he went to a librarian again. She could tell they were talking about her because Uncle Sean pointed over at her and smiled as he was talking to her in a quiet enough voice it was impossible to hear. While he was over there talking, Auntie Eiboline came back with tree books. They weren’t about Australia or the bird, but they were wordless picture stories. “You could read these stories quite easily,” she told Cait. Then she sat across from her and put a book open in front of her. “No words, but you can see what’s happening, can’t you?” Cait nodded. “Yeah. There is a monkey. It’s outside by the tall building. It is watching a man with yellow clothes.” “You are reading so well, Cait.” Cait narrowed her eyes. “That’s not reading, Auntie. There no words.” “There are two kinds of reading, Cait. Yes, you are not doing what teachers at school call reading by looking at letters and figuring out what those things are. But you can tell what the book says to you without those letters. You are reading the book in the sense that you know what it means without needing letters to tell you. Some adults have a hard time reading those kinds of readings.” “Really?” “They sure do. Your Uncle Sean is much better than I am at this kind of reading. That’s why he knows by looking at you that something needs to be done before I do.” “Do you mean like I readed that the dresser shrine thingy is the dog is the boss in the dresser farm, and each animal has a place by it’s own by where it fence is?” “That’s exactly it, Cait. You know by the feel of the page and what’s on it, what they want to tell you. So if I were to ask you to look at that page again, you just described, what do you think the story is?” “Well, there is a monkey, and the monkey is thinks, why this man comes here? I follow because man is not I know him.” “Good. Keep going.” “The monkey see another man is not wear yellow, but only that man. The monkey only follow that man, so maybe monkey is think I like yellow.” When I finished the story, Auntie read the Title. George and the man in Yellow. This is from a series of books,” she says to Cait. “It’s a very old series that goes all the way back to the 1940s. That’s about forty years ago.” “Wow!” Uncle Sean came back and Auntie Eiboline whispered. “Maybe I can find you some easy to read books on some of the ways you feel. That might help you understand how some stuff isn’t your fault when your insides tell you it is?” Auntie went off to go see what she was talking about, but Uncle sat down with me again. “So, let’s see if Kookaburras really laugh….” He pushed a the book between us, two seats at the table, and we shared. He read it and I looked at the pictures and told him what the pictures told me. I couldn’t remember the last time I was in front of a book so happy to see one. It wasn’t taunting me with words I couldn’t read because Uncle Sean read, and it wasn’t hiding things from me because still, Uncle Sean read and then he told me simple, what it said. I didn’t have to worry. If I looked at Uncle, he didn’t make me ask. He just said the word I don’t get, and he told me why it meats what it was. “Hold on, Cait. I have a question now. May I go look ask for myself?” “Okay,” Cait smiled at her uncle still looking at the lastest find, still curious about the Kookaburra. Cait read: “They are fo- fu- fond in ha habi-ta-ts rang-in frum hum-id forest to ayrd sa-va-na, as well as in sub-turb-an are-as wit tall trees or ne-ar run-in water. Cait’s leg started bouncing. She didn’t really understand any of that, but Uncle Sean will explain it when he comes back. It was interesting though how much they had on the bird. It doesn’t even live in America. How do books know what animals in other parts of the world are like? She looked up and didn’t see Uncle Sean or Auntie Eiboline anywhere. She looked back down at the book as her legs twitched a little closer. “Uncle left you here by yourself,” she heard a voice. There was a chomp in the air, but it missed the words. “If you embarrass your Uncle, this will be the (chomp).” “Hey!” the ghost was slowly appearing. “I’m just warn (chomp).” Kookaberry and the ghost were staring each other off. The ghost seemed to fade from view, but Kookaberry wasn’t fooled. Cait’s arms moved the bear up over head, and the Bear rotated around slowly until it faced the front again. Cait’s hand bumped an ear. The ear twitching? Cait held Kookaberry tighter, her legs starting to wiggle under the table. “Do you see a toilet?” Cait whispered to the bear. The Bear peeked up again at everything in its view, and Cait lifted her head just enough to look around, but even if she could see one, unless it was just a universal sign that she missed, she didn’t see anything that showed the way. “We could walk out to the desk and ask someone, or just look from the open area over there. It might be easier to see.” “And then Daddy will have your hide for real,” the ghost’s words were back stronger. “Look. You know you can’t read! Even if they told you how to get there, how would you? You’d be peeing all over the place and doing what Daddy tells you not (Chomp chomp chomp). Cait would have told you she felt the rumble in the Bear’s tummy through her hands if she was asked how she knew the stuffed bear was eating the words. “Cait knows (chomp chomp chomp) right.” Cait’s hands went down to the pants, and held herself tight, one arm still tightly holding Kookaberry against her chest even with her hand trying to block any liquid. There was warmth down there. It felt a little more than just pre-pee. An older kid, maybe three or four years older, maybe, walked up to Cait’s table. “Hey. You look scared.” Cait shook her head. “Are you sure?” Cait tried to smile. “I’m just waiting for my Aunt to come back. She’s getting a book for me.” “Okay.” The older kid, maybe fourteen or fifteen years old walk through and out of sight. “Cait?” Kookaberry whispered giving the ghost a chance. “If you move from this table, you’ll embarrass Sean. Let’s say he doesn’t get mad. Let’s say he picks you up and defends you after you spread all your filth...(chomp). “Wait, Kooka. I… I want to know the last part.” The Bear’s mouth seemed turned slightly. Cait thought she saw a bear tooth peeking form the the top lip. Still, the bear rested and Cait could barely hold the bear as she felt it shivering through her fingers. “If you pee all over the library, and everyone sees it, do you think other people will respect them? They just let you dirty the place their kids all go to read, and now, the Kinsellas will lose their (chomp chomp chomp).” “Ghost is wrong,” Kookaberry seemed to have its face turned left and then right. “Ghost is just scaring you. That’s what (boo-ooo-ooh). The Ghost seemed to find it’s own way to cut Kookaberry off like what Kookaberry did to it. Cait’s legs were really moving around now, under the table. Auntie was busy. Cait didn’t see Sean. She was getting close. “Just do it right here, and hide it,” Ghost with wafting fumes of ghost rising from its own dingy pee stained faint dress. “The better you (chomp chomp chomp).” “No shame, boo-oo-ooh!” Cait felt more drizzle into her underwear, only now, she could feel it was heavy in the pants. She was actually staring to pee her pants, as she sat there. Chapter 28 Now You Did It, Didn’t You Her lap started to darken and gross smelly water licked out from her into her hands. Her legs slapped together, but it only caused the slap to get louder because wet jeans make that sound that dry ones don’t. Taunts filtered through her ears, not just through the ghost, but through other people, like the ghost had something like Kookaberry’s Just-a-mind thingy. “Mommy! Look,” a child way younger than Cait yelled across the library. “That girl’s chair is leaking! Her pees was running off of the chair, and she could hear the pit pats that usually damped inside her underwear were now heard falling off her chair to the carpeted floor under her. “Disgraceful, how some kids’ parents don’t teach their kids anything,” Cait hear a lady maybe just become an adult stage whispering to another girl as they passed by. “You said it. Honestly! Thumb in her mouth, Bear in her arms, and peeing all over the floor. What a stupid butt baby!” The two of them landed right in front of Sean, looking them in the eye and a frown on his face. Cait felt tears running down her cheeks though her mouth made no other sound but sucking on a dirty pee-wetted thumb in her distress. Her legs are still banging into each other, but the floor is already on the floor. What little dribbles still fall are from what is already in the chair. And there is a loud hum of this is exactly what I was talking about rant that was popping through her ears. “Now, everyone knows, and the Kinsellas are going to be thrown out of town because some ten year old is just like Daddy says she is.” One of the women nearly bumped into a stone wall of a man with his arms crossed and his eyes narrowed at the both of them. “Here, let me get that beam out of your eye,” he whispered. “What?” the woman looked up at the man now strengthening his glare at the girls. “That beam,” he unfolded his arms. “The one that’s right there blocking your path to a better choice. You want to spread gossip, do you? What would it feel like if someone found out that two nearly adult girls were walking through the children’s section, targeting a scared little miss that is clearly distress with harmful words because they don’t know nor do they care to research the word empathy in their studies?” “You can’t… you don’t even… She’s too old!” “Get out my sight before I have the library call security. We’ll see whose side security is on, if you’d like that.” The girls ducked away. Sean jogged the last few steps to the table and he scooped the sobbing soggy lass into his arms and pulled her body right into his shirt. “Cait, it’s okay,” he whispered. Her brain stuck at his shirt. She couldn’t hear anything for moments. The scene was strange and her heart raced. She was floating up into his chest while her bear fell tot he floor and her thumb came out of her mouth to wrap around his neck. It was so slow. Her ears were still useless, no noise. She didn’t hear the sounds of the whispy ghost that was quickly fading. A hand bent down with the left side of Uncle Sean, and he picked up Kookaberry and he tucked the bear back into her arms. Her ears were now starting to catch up as sounds started to cut through the thick air. “Now.” was the only word she picked up on. Several people came over, but their hands were not pointing. They were not laughing. They were not looking at her pants or the bear. They were looking into Sean’s eyes who was shaking his head at them, and one by one, they went back to their own doings. Sean sat Cait down, back in her chair, him sitting in her pee, as though it didn’t matter to him, and he had her still in his lap, and he turned the book page where he had found what he was looking for earlier, as if she had not just shamed him. And her teary blurry eyes could only look up into his stronger protective ones. Her only question on her lips. “Why?” “You are reading, Cait,” he whispered silently. “You are doing nothing wrong. You don’t get to be chased out of a learning place where you weren’t bothering people just because some of them don’t want to understand. This library is for everyone, pet.” Chapter 29 Movies Don’t Need Lunch, Cait “Sean, we should take her and clean her up. I know you want to make a point about her worth and no one gets to chase her away. I think you made the point, but the point isn’t worth her being in wet underpants that might get her a yeast infection or something is it?” Aunt Eiboline was sitting at the table with them by then, and she didn’t say anything for a bit. How long, Cait wasn’t sure. But she shrugged at sitting in pee. She was used to it. “You’re right, as always Eiboh. And you were right. I guess I was being juvenile by sitting here on purpose as though the pee doesn’t matter. It probably does matter to the library staff. I just don’t think it matters as much as Cait does.” “Well, I’m not saying Cait doesn’t matter. It’s exactly why….” “I know, Eiboh. You are right that her health is more important than the point that she has a right to be here.” Cait just listened to the two of them talk for a minute. “I’m sorry I….” “No,” Sean rose a finger. “You are not sorry, Cait. You are not sorry because you didn’t do anything to your Auntie or to me.” “But everyone will think you have a dir.” “Cait, no,” Sean swatted her butt. “Stop it. You are not dirty. Anyone who wants to hear gossip out of context will say what they will, but our friends know that we hate gossip, and they know to ask me if they want to know what happened.” Cait froze for a moment, thinking. She peed, and he didn’t swat her. She touched the dresser that Auntie told her not to, and he didn’t swat her. She kept forgetting to tell them when she started to wet her pants, but he didn’t swat her? Why… why did he swat her? Why didn’t it hurt? What was so bad about telling the truth that she’s dirty? “It’s not true, though, “Kookaberry’s soft body rubbed against her arm as she was settled in the car. “You’re not dirty. You don’t like wet pants. You hate it. You’re just… scared to go to the bathroom, like Uncle Sean says. He says toilet training, you’re not ready because you’re scared, not because you’re dirty. Don’t you listen?” “Daddy says...(Chomp!)” Cait nodded. He was getting annoyed earlier. Maybe he just doesn’t like it. He keeps saying “No.” And Cait held Kookaberry out to look into its glassy button eyes. “Uncle Sean doesn’t want me to say I’m dirty no more, and he doesn’t want me to say….” She looked at Kookaberry for more answers. “Now,” Uncle Sean’s favorite word, Cait realized, “We are going to go shopping and get some clothes four little beautiful cousin to change into. Then we’ll go see a show, and after that, we can have a nice little dinner out. How does that sound?” “Kookaberry,” Cait whispered to her toy. “Uncle Sean said I’m getting some new clothes.” “Yes, he did, Cait. You are important to him. He wants you to be comfortable. He doesn’t mind the messes. I didn’t lie, did I, yesterday… before the park?” “No.” “What about lunch?” Cait put her finger on her lips thinking they had not skipped lunch since they had been there. “Have you never been to the movies?” Auntie Eiboline asked while Uncle was driving, his own wet butt on the driver seat, but no one said anything about him being wet. He chose to sit in Cait’s mess, and they were going to buy her clean clothes. Cait dismissed that. She could guess what Kookaberry would say and what Uncle Sean might say. Of course she could. Kookaberry? She giggled. Cait shrugged. “No, I never went to a movies before.” “Five kids, Cait. You know Daddy says we can’t do that kind of stuff.” The ghost was starting to taunt Cait and question the cousins as being smart. “But he can go to the restaurant, can’t he?” Cait frowned. “He goes to the one that sells the adult amber stuff and where people are loud some times,” Cait’s voice wasn’t quite to herself as much as she thought it was. “What do you mean, she goes to the restaurant by himself sometimes?” Uncle Sean asked. Cait thought back to the time she ran away from school in third grade, maybe it was…. He searched for her maybe… she wasn’t sure how long, but he picked her up after finding her, and they didn’t go home. There was a dingy like restaurant that she remembered where they had a long bar where he had some drinks. She had been sitting off by herself a little closer to the door, but where he could see her. She even peed there, because kids weren’t even supposed to be there, so she was to sit and be quiet, and that’s what she did. “Well, Cait, if we were to feed you lunch right now, and we could…. Restaurants are everywhere, but sweetie? There is a joy at movie theaters you can only understand through experience, and I would not take that away from you,” Auntie Eiboline whispered. “Aye,” Sean whispered. “Popcorn, or especially caramel corn, candy, soda pop, and a movie! That’s relaxation, that is.” Cait scooted to the edge of her seat. “I’m not allowed soda pop.” “Wrong house, Cait. His rules don’t mean anything to us.” Cait felt her hands shake a little bit, and she glanced down at her lap where she felt a little damp-wet. “He left you for the summer with us, so he has to live with the fact he did leave you with us. Just like he doesn’t want us to sue him for something you might do… well, if he’s not responsible for what you do, then he’s not responsible. We are, little Cait-i-kins!” Chapter 30 New Tries-ees? As the car came up on the little shopping area, Eiboline helped Cait out of the car. “We’ll just be looking around until you get inside. We’ll be by the little Miss area.” Auntie held my hand, but I didn’t mind at all. “You see why Daddy says you are trouble, don’t you? You wanted someone to hold your hand, and you are glad to just replace your mother, just like that, just because this lady holds your hand. Are you a baby? Are you even a good (doter)? You are stupid, Cait. They treat you like a big girl, and you go and do this…. Stupid.” “Stupid,” Cait whispered to herself. I held Kookaberry to my face and smelled in the bear. He was safe. He smelled like the wardrobe, but he also had a hint of Auntie’s perfume on him. “Would you like jeans, a skirt, or something else, Cait?” Auntie asked as we got closer to the area where they had clothes that fit me. “Look at this wanna be mother!” The ghost whispered. “She’s making you choose what to put on after you just peed all over the library! She’s no mother. She probably let other kids pee their pants, too. That’s why she doesn’t got any. Her kids ran away because she told them to do it instead of spanking the for doing it.” Cait frowned. “Kookaberry?” “Well, that is, I don’t remember the boy doing that. I don’t remember what she would have done. But I think the ghost is just trying to confuse you. So…. It’s nicer to hit you and call you names for having a hard time, than it is to hold your hand and tell you not to call yourself names?” Cait stopped abruptly and Auntie looked down at her. “Are you alright, pet?” “Am I a baby to you?” she looked up at Auntie Eiboline and searched her eyes. “No, sweetheart. You are a ten year old child. You’ve had a hard time, for sure, but you’re not a baby. Why would you think that?” “Because….” And she looked down at her soaking wet pants. “You listen here, child. That mess, caused by being scared all the time, that mess? That’s not your shame to carry, lass. It’s not good that they let you feel this way about yourself. But you can bet on one thing, pet. That man is not coming here to get you. If we take you back, we take you, and I have a talk with my dear good cousin to find out what has gotten in her head to treat her own child like this.” “Huh?” Auntie sighed. “I’m sorry. Just trust me, you are not going back there if they plan to continue to shame you for struggling, Cait-i-kins. You don’t deserve that. So, right now, what we need to figure out, is what to buy you to change into.” “Oh, I just thought you were going to buy me more pants,” Cait looked down. “I mean, it’s farm clothes?” “No, pet. You have pants at home because it’s what we had at the time. Now we are here, we can get you what you are comfortable in.” “Honest?” Auntie smiled and took her hand leading her over where the they had the kind of overall bib-skirts that go over your shirt like a boy’s overalls, but it was a skirt. “Would you be interested in something like this?” Auntie asked. “Um… yeah, I like it,” Cait tapped her mouth with her finger. “But can we look, or are we in a hurry?” “No, sweetie, we are in no hurry. This is your day. But let’s get you three changes?” “Three?” “You know, because the movie will be long and we really should get you a nice dress for church next Sunday, too.” “You really mean it?” Cait felt her feet bumping up and down, not exactly jumping really, but really close to it. She had her Bear still in her arms, and Auntie had not tried to take it away. While Cait and Auntie were looking at another skirt, Uncle walked over with a pair of black nice Mary Janes and he waved Cait over. “You want some nice shoes for church, don’t you?” “I thought we just getting something so you not ashamed to take me to see a movie with wet pants on?” Cait asked. “You thought wrong then,” Uncle Sean smiled. “It’s not about shame or what is practical, Cait. It’s about a little girl getting to be a little girl, isn’t it? I never heard of a girl going into a store and coming back with just one pair of pants or shorts and a pair of panties. Doesn’t happen. It’s not natural, and you are a little lady, sweetheart. That means, we treat you like a little lady that wants clothes!” “So… I thought Auntie was saying she’d get me two things to wear and a Sunday dress, and I thought… she still had to ask you… and ….?” “Eiboline? Just two things she has a choice with and her Sunday dress? Look, whatever we agreed to last night, I don’t remember. I was sleeping. But we got money, Eiboline. We can get her more than that.” “But my cousins will be furious if we buy her….” “Well, that man should have been more careful to leave her bags and shouldn’t have made sure to make it a point that we were responsible for Cait while she was here, not him.” There was a fiery look in his eye that I could tell his Irishness then. “He can get upset all he wants. He did this! Sending a child to us in a dingy dress that she was forced to pee herself in, and then took her stuff with him. Did he really think I wouldn’t get her a dress for church that wasn’t dingy?” “So… you never changed your mind about her getting three dresses, two that she can wear and dirty as she pleases, and seven sets of skirts, pants, and shorts as she pleases?” Eiboline asked him.” “Too Right!” he nodded with exaggeration. “And ten shirts and several packs of panties so she doesn’t have to worry about smelling when she goes to church. She’ll keep one set of panties in one of the drawers that are just for church so no one sees her wearing stained panties,” he lifted her and patted her butt. Cait squirmed a little bit as he patted her wet butt because she was till soaking wet, but as he continued to talk while patting it, she relaxed. It felt good not to be hit and yelled at for it. “I want that for her, not because of shame, but because she wants to feel equal to everyone else that doesn’t worry about pee pees even if she needs a second pair of panties at church,” and then he held me out a bit to lock eyes and asked me. “Right, love?” “Uncle Sean?” Cait shook a little bit, almost scared to ask. “Um… I… I like… um… am I being stu…?” “Cait?” Sean’s head shook side to side. “Watch your words, love. You’re not allowed to say that word right now.” “I’m not allowed to say stupid. I’m not allowed to say dirty. I’m not allowed to talk like that. It’s do different that it’s scary, but somehow, I like being scared that way. It’s… I don’t like being stupid.” Cait searched for something to talk to, but the ghost was quiet. Kookaberry was resting it’s head in her arm, like it was sleeping. She frowned. “Sorry. I just… um… I’m scared.” “Good girl. Now tell me what Cait-i-kins is afraid of, love. We’ll fix it.” “Um… Panties leak too fast, when… it’s hard to hold it.” Cait was shaking and even as she looked across the aisle from the girls stuff trying to find the boy’s underpants, she bit at her lip wondering…. “Maybe I am weird?” “Go, on, sweetheart. No judgment from Uncky, sweetie.” Cait thought about Grainne sitting there in her good dress when Cait was a lot younger, and remembered the shame of having a diaper on under it, even though Grainne was like a third grader. “You pissed your pants last week at school,” her dad scolded her that morning. “So now, you wear diapers to church, and if you keep wetting your diapers at church, then you keep wearing them. What’s weird, Grainne, is wanting to piss on the Lord’s stuff.” “She was crying,” Cait whispered to Kookaberry. “Daddy didn’t let her put on panties though. I don’t know if anyone at church saw.” Cait put a finger in her mouth as she looked up at Uncle. “Well…. And it being church is it just-be-spectful if I wore something I not made to? I don’t want other people to think I being just-be-spectful on the Lord’s stuff.” “Just tell Uncky what you mean, love. Beating around the bush doesn’t get what you want. I need to know how to help you, just like I need to know when you are pee peed, so we can change you, hon.” “Um… boy panties are… thick. They hide the pee longer until I can get in the bathroom? Maybe I don’t pee on the Lord’s stuff because I can wait longer with pre-pees…. Maybe It doesn’t get on the chair.” “God didn’t invent underwears, Cait. If you like the thick feel of boy undies, then we get you the thicker undies. Okay? But Cait? The Lord cares more that you are there than if your dress, your seat, or the floor is wet. He knows our struggles, and he is made happy that you chose him even when you are scared or you have trouble being what people think you should be.” Her face blushed. “Okay…,” but her face was red and she was shaking. Was it really okay? She looked over at the dresses, nice and innocent and what girls wear, and then she felt down into her wet pants and touched her wet underwears. “Is this okay?” She took her hand out of her pants before Uncle thought she was doing something bad. As they walked around, Cait noticed that they didn’t just linger in clothes. They got her some socks and other basics of course, but they did land in the toys. “Cait. All those toys we put in your reach, you still play with those as much as you want,” Auntie told her. “But your Uncle and I were talking, and you need some princessy and Girl toys, too. So, you walk through this section, and you get seven was it Sean?” “Yeah, seven. Get seven activities that don’t have to be girl stuff per se, but it has to be Cait-- I want this-- stuff. So, there will be some explicit girl stuff among it, but it doesn’t have to be all girl stuff. Do you understand?” Cait shook her head and held Kookaberry tightly. “Kookaberry?” “Kookaberry is always yours, baby. What we mean,” Auntie Eiboline sighed. “We don’t want you to feel like you HAVE to play with boy toys all the time. We want you to own the choices of some of the activities you have at home….” “Huh?” Sean put a hand on her shoulder. “Make sure you pick seven things that when you want to feel more like a girl, you can still play in the house. Okay?” “Oh. Okay.” Cait looked in the cart as they started to count up things they wanted for her. Her heart felt tight. Her hand clenched. Her feel shook. She slid her hands down the legs of her soaked pants. She looked up. “Um… Uncle? You got too much,” Cait frowned as she looked up at him from just beside the cart. “We did?” “Um yeah. It’s more than ever.” One year, at Christmas, Cait didn’t know where it came from, but when there were too many things under the tree, they opened them all, but then Daddy shook his head. “Girls, you know that Santa made a mistake. Cait, tell me how many times you were a good girl this week. How many days were your pants dry? Grainne? How many times did you get in a fight just before the end of school. You girls see? Santa made a mistake. You can pick three gifts, then we have to give the rest to someone else who deserves toys.” Sean counted out the items in front of Cait. “No… seven bottoms… check. Three dresses… It looks like we got what we said, Cait-i-kins.” “No, I mean. It’s not even Christmas, and this is like three years of stuff at one time!” She shivered at what daddy would say at this haul. She didn’t want to be (grady)? “Cait. You need to remember something. We are getting you things to last the whole summer, and because your bag got left in the car, you need this stuff. We do it because you matter, and I know your Daddy is struggling and what he can get isn’t his fault.” Aunt Eiboline narrowed her eyes. Her mouth tightened. She shivered. She didn’t say anything. Sean emphasized. “As much as we don’t agree with a lot of what he’s doing, he does have five girls and not enough money, so it makes sense you think this is three years of stuff. But we have just one girl for the summer, and we aren’t hurting, Cait. We didn’t get too much.” Auntie nodded. “We probably didn’t get enough, but we’ll get more in a while, pet.” When they approached the store clerk to check out, he looked down at Cait’s wet jeans, but his comment is something Cait looked up into his face to try to understand. Cait flinched at first. Her hands were tightened, and she grabbed hold of Uncle Sean and pressed her face into his side. Here it comes. The ghost will pop out any minute, and the clerk will…. “Wet your pants, hon? Were you on a long trip?” He asked her as if it wasn’t something that mattered in a way that needed to be ridiculed. It felf more like he was saying it’s normal for kids her age to do on long trips? It was like weather or something? Cait’s blushing face peeked partly away from Uncle Sean enough to see him with one eye, and she nodded with her hand trying to squeeze between Uncle Sean and where she pushed her cheek against him, putting her thumb in her mouth. Chapter 31 Going Bananas “Yeah,” Sean smiled. “She just had a little set back, we’re fixing it. You don’t have a bathroom she can borrow to get her pants changed, do you?” “Oh, of course we do,” he smiled cheerfully. Then he spoke into a loud speaker thingy. “Michelle, teller one, please. Michelle, teller one!” “By the time we get this stuff rung up, the young lady will be here and she can show the little miss, or if she needs some morale support, she can bring her aunt along, but there’s a restroom in the back. Not supposed to let customers use it, but what am I going to do, send a ten year old kid out of the store in wet clothes? They can fire me if they don’t like it. It’s not like they pay top pay here.” “We’re going to see the new movie out. I think it’s Des-in-neys?” Sean and Eiboline exchanged glances. They looked sad even though Cait was every excited about seeing a Des-in-neys movie. “Do you mean a Disney?” Movie the store clerk asked. “No. They said it was Des-in-neys Erby Goes Bananas,” Cait explained. The clerk look up at Uncle. “It’s not something you want explained, trust me,” he sighed. “Just agree with her. It’s easier for now.” “Uncle? How long the movie is on?” Cait asked. “Do they have a toilet inside there? You said popcorn. How do they put popcorn in a place for a movie? And I can really have pop? But if I have pop, mom says pop makes you pee, and she say I’d pee all night in my bed!” Even as she was chattering in the car on the way there, Uncle and Auntie chuckled “Cait, slow down. You’ll see soon enough.” Cait was soon in a big backed comfortable seat she imagined is in one of those nice train or bus rides that she thinks people use sometimes to go across the country. The giant screen stretch across the forward wall so giant that she felt like she had to turn her head, and even while they talked about other programs that were going to be offered later in the summer, she couldn’t help turning her head this way and that around the entire wall. It was so huge. The sounds seem to come from right beside her, behind her, above her and everywhere. This was no television thing. She was proud of knowing how to say television. Sean on one side of her opened her twizzler red licorice thingys. She never had those before. This was going to be good. “Sean,” Auntie Eiboline whispered at him. “She’ll never finish that tub of caramel corn and that large drink!” “So?” Sean whispered back while they were getting it back at the snack area. “She doesn’t always have finish everything, does she. But she’ll have it if she wants it. She knows she won’t be in trouble for peeing, so why not let her have it?” Auntie frowned. “You are too much Sean!” “Well, what is the point of having her if we can’t spoil her?” And so the three of them sat there, the theater was so big and so grand and so… magical. And right in little girl’s lap, was her constant companion. Uncle put a safety pin on Cait’s new shirt and then he pinned the bear with a leash made from a suspender that he tied around Kookaberry in case she fell asleep, so she wouldn’t lose him if they left and forgot to look for him. “That car is driving itself!” Cait exclaimed clapping her hands and her knees got excited too, and clapped with her hands. There was one tiny small (chomp) but Cait didn’t even see the ghost or hear its whisper, so she wasn’t sure. Was it trying? It didn’t matter. The credits were starting. The car was driving itself. There was a man who was introduced. She didn’t know what his real problems were. There was a boy. He said Herby is called Ocho. She just took it all in as though there were no take backs or no parts that said another part is wrong. It was all just a car moving by itself, and it has feelings, too, just like Kookaberry. “That’s your vans name, you know,” she whispered. “It’s Dis-i-neys Erby.” Kookaberry rubbed its soft body on her arm in agreement. If another kid after the movie was asleep and if Cait should be, no… maybe it was the sugar. Maybe it was the excitement. Maybe it was that they had a boy her age in the movie. Maybe it was the car and it’s connection to her magic bear. She didn’t know. But she sat there quiet for nearly the entire movie. She felt the warm water in the seat at some point, but she looked up at the adults and she saw Uncle put an arm around her still laughing and her he knew she was wet but he didn’t ask. And she knew it was okay. The car coming apart in the end of the movie was so magical because Sean explained that cars are not like flesh of people. The car didn’t die. The engine is the car’s soul and the car can be fixed because it’s engine parts, so Herbie was okay. And Cait giggled. “You hear, Kookaberry? Your van can cut in half you have to, and you need a dep-i-a-ty to help and when you need two places, van can be two and you both go different and then you need a ga-rajee person to fix your van.” Her whispers were really low, very respectful of everyone around. Besides, these were Kookaberry’s secrets, so she can’t said it too loud anyway. When Cait felt herself peeing a second time near the end of the movie, she heard the bear (chomp) again just as Uncle Sean picked her up, and she hugged him so he knew she didn’t even pee in her sleep, but he just pat her wet butt and whispered. “What do you think about Herby?” “I can’t tell you unless you put your hand on your heart and stick out your tongue and say nah on your tongue. It means you can’t tell no body except Auntie because you tell her everything.” Chapter 32 The Heart of Darkness “I wet my pants, twice,” Cait looked up as Sean carried her out of the theater, a couple of people looked their way, but it was hard to tell if they heard, of if happenstance, it didn’t matter. (Chomp). The ghost stayed invisible for now. “But that’s okay, right Uncle Sean?” He kissed her head. “I’m glad you told me, hon. You’re learning to tell, and that will help us take better care of you. We’ll change you soon, pet. But not here. It’s too crowded in these ones. People trying to get to their seats, you understand?” The sun was nearly setting on this perfect day that Cait had with her family. No one cared or worried about her bottom, and she was still bouncing in his lap recalling a few likes like “5 and 3 make 8. Any body know that.” her voice exactly trying to match the Mexican boy and laughing. A bird is soaring over them and circles the restaurant where a whisper is cut off by (chomp) this one so tired and nearly out of just habit, it seems the whisper is barely worth Kookaberry’s time, still, he is there on guard. The door of the small building opens, and a family exits. Two toddlers and two adults. The man of the family glances and Cait’s face and smiles, but he doesn’t linger or think too much because the elder of his own two girls is tugging at his arm to be lifted up, too. The smell of Mexican spices and maybe tortillas linger at the doorway. “And then, the Chinese guy said. When come to end of book, time to close book, but then they make the car mad and the Chinese guy says… he says… he says it doesn’t close the book!” she was trying to quote the movie, but having only seen it once, she couldn’t remember all of the lines. Her legs are wet, she feels icky and sticky, and there is a lingering smell around her, but she’s not focused on that as they walk through the waiting area towards the restrooms on the other side of the restaurant. Eiboline is in close to them, her hand on Cait’s wet ankle to ground her, and her other hand carrying a bag with a change for her. A high pitched giggle in the restaurant caught Cait’s ears. She glanced around. A high pitched giggle in the restaurant caught Cait’s ears. She glanced around. And there they were. Ruth. And Billy. And their mom and dad. Ruth, still a little smaller than Cait, was pointing with wide eyes at the steam rising from a plate of fajitas someone was carrying past their table. Billy saw the same waitress, and he smiled whispered to his sister. Then, there was a moment of horror! The large boy looked just behind the waitress. There was Sean’s face. He seemed to gulp as he looked towards her. Cait looked and locked eyes with his. Her legs squeezed against Sean, and she buried her face into Sean’s neck, but she saw the boy still, through a small peephole she glance through between his chest and her hands covering her burning red face. His eyes seemed to first see the redness of her buried face or at least her hands, and then had to have seen the leash on the bear. She squeezed her legs together out of habit of anyone at school seeing. Billie moved so Cait didn’t see Ruth’s face. He whispered but she heard it carry a bit so she could just hear a little. “...thee! Keso-fun-di-do!” and she knew the sound of the excited cry of her friend from the park. Cait’s heart thumped in her chest. “Your friend will….” But though Kookaberry (chomped) he seemed to miss or the ghost just just-appeared and came back behind him. She didn’t know. But it was still talking. “...will see your wet pants now. She’ll know you lied at the park and you did pee!” “I didn’t pee,” Cait whispered with a frown. “Not then.” “You did know though,” Cait’s legs were shivering. “Oh! The gooey cheese!” she heard Ruth excitedly look to her mom though she couldn’t see Ruth’s face. “I want that!” Even as Cait was carried out of sight, she knew he had seen. The Bear on a leash, the soaked pants as his gaze dropped to her butt and legs, and her red face tucked in Sean’s chest. He saw Uncle Sean. He knew it was her. At the bathroom, she whispered up. “Come in with me, Uncle, they saw.” “Who saw, hon?” “Ruth and Billy. They know I peed my pants. At the tables over there!” She pointed in the direction, but her aim was off because she refused to look in case they looked back and were to confirm who they had seen. “Give me the bag,” Sean told Eiboline. “You go get us a number. We’ll be out soon. The girls will understand when they see Cait’s distress. And if they don’t, then shame on them.” Auntie rubbed Cait arm. “You’re safe, sweetheart.” As another woman started in with a kid a little older than Cait, Sean looked the mother in the eye. “I’m taking my little cousin in next after the last woman leaves. If you go in there, you go in there knowing I’m coming in with a scared and upset little one that needs her pants changed.” The woman gave him a glance over for a moment. “Well, you won’t need to open any doors.” “Only the stall for the little one that’s having a hard time that I am taking care of. That’s the only one.” “Then I see no issue,” and she walked in and started telling the other women in there. “A Dad is about to bring his retarded kid in here for help,” he heard it. Cait heard it. “So if anyone doesn’t want him in here with them, I suggest you leave quickly.” Ruth’s mom came into the bathroom, and not moments later and noticed that Sean, not Eiboline was in there with Cait. “Where’s Eiboline?” “Eiboh’s going to get us a table, Susan. I’m sorry to be in here like this, but Cait needed me right now.” “I’m not retarted,” Cait sniffled. “Of course not, child,” Susan frowned. “Who called you that?” “A woman that told everyone my dad was taking me in here. I don’t care that they called Uncle Sean Dad. But she said I’m retarted just cause….” and she felt the tightness in her chest she gets when she wants to cry. “You’re not retarted, sweetheart. It’s okay. Billy told me that Eiboline might need help so I came to see what I could do.” “Billy saw me,” Cait looked up at Uncle Sean. “He thinks I retarted, too.” Susan put a hand on Cait’s back. “No child, he doesn’t. He wouldn’t have told me that Eiboline needed help if he thought that.” Cait opened her hands and looked up at her. “How come?” “Because, little lady. We know some people that get that all the time. That is one term my kids will never use if I have anything to say about it.” “I peed at the movies.” “That doesn’t make you anything, but wet, little girl. Accidents sometimes happen.” “Just as I keep telling you, Cait-i-kins. People that want to gossip are not worth your trouble to think about, and people that care, ask you what happened. They don’t listen to rumors for truth.” “Billy saw,” Cait whispered. “Ruth saw. Now Ruth thinks I’m just a baby.” “No, child,” Susan frowned. “Ruth doesn’t even know anything. If Billy saw, he didn’t tell me what he saw. Of course, Ruth was right there. He just said Eiboline needed help. I thought she was crying or something. Turns out, Billy was just trying to get me to come to see if you needed help, probably.” Chapter 33 Friends Breaking Bread “The truth is, we are letting Cait have a break from toilet training at her own pace. This is a little trick though for a ten year old because of things like this,” Uncle Sean said as he pulled Cait’s pants down. “She’s just been hurt so badly and not just with physical violence.” “How does the state allow this?” Susan asked. “You hear about it all the time, raids of the state taking kids from deserving folk, and then you get something like this. So when you say take a break from toilet training?” “She’s allowed to pee or poop her pants as long as she comes to get help afterwards. She’s just… it’s not going to do anything to force her to use the toilet until she feels safe, and she’s still got a ways to go, as you just heard her fear about Ruth and what she might think.” “Poor child.” “Well, you obviously have the little child well in hand, so I’ll just see if my family will let us have you seat with us. I know Ruth will love it, love. She’s been going on and on about you all day since yesterday afternoon, how you are HER friend that she made, and you are a big friend and not because you’re her brother’s friend. You may not realize it, but you are her first friend that her brother hasn’t in some way influenced.” “Huh?” Cait came out much more elegantly than she went into the bathroom. She wasn’t crying, she was wearing a skirt, not pants, and she was smiling as she approached Ruth’s table where Eiboline was already seated. “Cait!” she squealed. Cait took a seat next to her, and Billy got an extra chair from another table to use so Cait could sit there. “So this is your summer guest,” Todd smiled at Sean. “She’s a lovely little lady, isn’t she?” “She is,” Sean smiled. “She’s far more sensitive to the needs of others than many know. She spent hours the other day taking burrs out of dog’s fur she barely knew because the doggy was suffering, her words, I kid you not.” “What’s the Bear’s name?” Ruth asked. “Kookaberry.” “Like the song, right?” Cait smiled. “Yeah, exactly. He chomps ghosts so they don’t hurt you with their -hunting-.” Cait smelled the food around her and her stomach tightened a little. She was hungry. She wondered what people were eating. She’d never seen a place like this before. She stood up and looked over her table towards another table where they had something flat bread with melted cheese and vegetables in it. To her left a few tables along, she saw what looked like the same flat bread, but rolled and stuffed with stuff. She started to walk. At the table others were talking. “Mommy,” it seemed that Ruth was ignored for a minute because mommy was talking to Mrs. Kinsella. Cait wandered over where she saw a man eating chili beans out of a bowl with the same flat bread. “Did someone lose a child?” the man suddenly barked a little irritated. “Didn’t anyone teach you not to stare?” Cait shrugged. “Uncle Sean says you’re not important,” and she turned and walked away from him. Cait suddenly sat down with some brown people. Her Daddy wasn’t there, so she didn’t care if he approved or not. “What are you eating?” she asked the girl with red and blue hair fixings that were pretty and hair that was interesting with so many braids, it was cool. Cait didn’t realize she was missed, but Sean caught up with her, and she frowned at the people there. “I’m so sorry. She’s… It’s her first time in a restaurant. I don’t mean to make excuses. I’ll teach her….” “Hey, man, no foul no harm,” the man at the table said. “She was just curious. She was actually really respectful. She was just telling my daughter how pretty her hair was and making her smile in a way I had no heart to tell her to leave!” “Cait, hon,” Sean patted her leg. “How about we go back to our table so we can get you something to eat?” Cait’s eyes caught sight of the ghost, about to tell her how she was bothering others. Cait smiled at it and even waved. Then, as the ghost started to open it’s mouth and Kookaberry started to open it’s mouth, she shook her head the bear and she faced that silent starting sound with her own. He hugged Sean tight, and she said. “Okay, Daddy!” The ghost’s words were cut off before they were registered. The bear even seemed to do a double-look at Cait. Cait hugged Sean tighter, and she laid her head on his shoulder, and she whispered again. “Daddy.” The ghost sat there, frozen. Cait could almost see it pre-peeing its pants like she does, but then she saw it. That white almost invisible ghost stuff… but in the form of a pouring liquid that poured down between the ghost’s legs and being unreal, could only go through the floor, but it was what it was. It was the ghost that peed, not Cait. She smiled again, and she let him put her back at the table. Chapter 34 Does it supposed to Hurt to take up Space? I crawled into Grandma-Auntie’s lap and looked up at her with a small falling tight tension of sorrow in my face when Daddy Sean brought be back to the table and I hugged her while she patted my skirt bottom. I studied her for a minute, her strong weather worn wrinkles in her eyes made me feel that this was a person that I knew I could trust. Her eyes were severe, but her arms and her heart were gentle. She didn’t smile broadly like fake people. She just was, and I knew it just was to her. I was safe knowing I didn’t have to be good by not going potty in my pants sometimes. “Auntie? Was I bad for walking around?” “Now,” she used Daddy Sean’s word, and I sighed and hugged her in relief. She wasn’t mad. Auntie put Kookaberry in my arms, and she pointed at the menu around me whispering in my ear what each item on it was, and what it meats. Billy pointed around her back and shoulder to something. “I like those.” “Billy?” his mom started. “No, Susan,” Eiboline whispered. “Let him. This is what Cait needs, someone who isn’t judging her for not reading, but just telling her what he likes without judgment. I’m grateful for his advice to her. I don’t think she’s ever had Mexican before.” “Oh, in that case, Cait, you’re safer getting this. It still has hot sauce and carries some fire in it, but it’s not as hot as what I like. You can try some of mine, though, if you are curious, just….” “What if we split two or three dishes if we include Ruth?” I asked Billy. “I don’t think we’ve ever asked if they do that here,” he frowned. “They do it in Chinese places.” “They have Chinese foods places like this?” “Well, kind of,” Billy said. I looked up at Auntie-grandma. “Could we do that somehow?” “Why don’t you make sure Ruth wants to do that first,” Auntie Eiboline smiled and then we’ll see if they can give us some extra plates or something. I don’t see why they wouldn’t.” “Yeah, I want to share! Ruth came over and put an hand on Billy’s arm while she scooted in front of him to get between her mom and Eiboline so she could be next to me. “I’m already getting this one. This one if really good. It called a Chicken Fa-eight-ah.” “If I get Taco salad, Sis gets Fajitas, and then Cait gets Burritos…,” Billy talked to the table. “Maybe that’s what Dan meant by she’s trouble,” Sean chuckled. “She wants to share, and we find we need to maybe think about how to split this cost because the kids will fight over the fajitas and the burritos if we just order one a meal a piece for them.” “Well, I can order the Burritos, too,” Auntie Eiboline smiled. I could have one of those and then maybe share something with you, Sean. You know how I eat anyway.” “Well, if she does that, Ruth’s mom whispered. We can do the same with the fajita, if you don’t mind.” “I’m sorry,” I rubbed Auntie’s arm until she looked down so I could say it right because no one heard me. “What are you sorry about, pet?” “Making everyone change orders and spend too much. You can just….” “No,” Sean stood up. “Cait, you listening? No one at this table thinks you deserve that. You are not second to anyone and you don’t beat yourself up. You come to us with a problem, and we solve it, pet. If you heard my troublemaker problem in the wrong light, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that you were a problem, love.” “She does this all the time?” Ruth’s dad asked. “About a lot more than just eating out, yes. She has to learn that she can take up space and be. Someone has made her feel too small for too long.” “Daddy at home,” I whispered. “Because I bad at home. I do bad stuff all the time and get in everyone’s way. That’s why they sent me here, so I can’t be in mama’s way. She has trouble enough now with she gets a new baby this summer. And my sisters can’t change my pants this summer because they working farm and I get in their on foot.” “You are not underfoot, Cait,” Sean reached over and rubbed my hands. “You are not bad, and you need to understand that all ten year old children need help sometimes.” “I going to be eleven in November.” “Ten or eleven, Cait, you are a child, and you need as much room as anyone else to be and to grow. You are not bad.” I looked down. “I peed my pants when we came in here.” “Cait!” Billy was impatient. “I did all that work to make sure you didn’t get embarrassed and my sister and you can be on equal foot, and then you tell her that in front of her?” “Uncle Daddy Sean says if our friends want to know, they ask us. They don’t listen at ghost ship. So if Ruth asked me or she don’t ask me, how can I her believes me if I don’t tell her what happened. I did pee, so she can ask and she doesn’t need to ask someone who mean to me if I peed.” Ruth looked between her brother and then me. “Hey! You saw my friend in the restaurant and didn’t tell me?” “She looked scared sis. I… you’re not close yet. I didn’t want her to be scared to be your friend. She… she talked to you, so I… I didn’t want to scare you from her or her from you, and yeah, I saw. She looked so scared hiding her head, and I know if I did that, I’d be scared, too. So I… I tricked you to look away so she could go where the Kinsellas were taking her. I didn’t mean to… you know… hurt your feelings, sis.” “Fine. If you just did it so she didn’t cry, then I assept your pologiss.” She hugged her brother. “That the real reason you won’t stay the night? Sometimes you pee even if you didn’t at the park yesterday?” Ruth asked. “Because we have another family friend who pees, and it doesn’t matter. Mama says pee isn’t who our friend is, and it not who you are. It’s just something we all do, and a few of us do it in our pants for a while, and it’s okay.” “You think like that? But I’m older!” “So? Age nothing to do about it, and it’s not a baby problem. You know you not a baby because it make you scared or you feel like you want to hide so you know you not a baby. Baby doesn’t know it not what to do when your body and your emotion and your education worked. And if you pee pee, I can help you find clean clothes. You just need help if you pee pee. That’s the end. Then we play again.” I looked at Ruth and my eyes feeling a pin prick or several, really, I started to understand. The Kinsellas, their friends, even a kid younger than me. They don’t see Cait pees her pants. They see Cait is a fifth grader and Cait can do things maybe with help. And I smiled. “Take that, ghost,” I whispered. “We don’t walk around when we have a table,” Ruth told me. “Mom and dad says that sitting at the table is the right thing, and we shouldn’t disturb other people, but they said we don’t have to be -shut your mouth, quiet- just quiet enough that we don’t bother other people.” “That’s right,” Susan told Ruth. “Cait might just need a little help understanding. Be patient with her.” I frowned. I think Susan doesn’t really know how much I don’t know. I mean, okay, at the bars I went to in the past, it was loud and big men moved about hitting balls on a table with sticks, and they spilled beer on the floor, and they put their faces in other drunk people’s faces and shouted at them, and then they both laughed. I was always scared at those places. A fly buzzed around the light above the table. It was targeting it’s perch as though it was a smart bomb or something. It flew through the maze of heads until it tangled itself in a forest of red strawberry smelling with pink bubble bath scented hair. It crawled and it stopped. It’s feet felt the hairs right at the right spot…. Voices became muffled, and it was like the fly was now quiet, not aware of danger out there, but as if it was seeping deeper and deeper into the feelings of one little girl as time seemed to jump back to a small dingy restaurant-like place. It wasn’t as bright as the Mexican restaurant. It was so dim. A man sat in a corner of the main bar, raising his hand for another glass of that awful amber liquid that was served in a heavy glass mug. The observation made from a small round table where a single little figure pushed its little arms further into its sides to avoid touching people near the table, and she closed her legs so small that she wouldn’t trip someone walking through. Loud Country Rock was playing, people talked over other loud groups of people who were so noisy and free spirited, it was like lunch time at school, only if they let all the grades in the lunch room at the same time, had no teachers that told child voice noises that they need to get smaller, and no one stopped anyone from spitting their mean words at each other in the ohter’s faces. It was just so loud! Daddy way over there drinking that amber stuff and these people so close to the small redheaded child, seemingly unaware or just not caring that she was watching them carefully to make sure they weren’t going to suddenly spit their loud crazy talk at her, and she saw Daddy, but the path to him was so crowded with people, she could get there. “Don’t make me hunt you down,” he had warned her when she was dropped off at the table. She had been given a glass of cola and then a glass of water. But she wasn’t to move. No Matter What. “Daddy, what the bathroom…?” “Cait? What did I tell you? Look, you are already in trouble for walking out of school earlier when you stole someone’s drink, peed on the chair again, and ran off during lunch. Do you want to give me a reason to use the belt on you at home? I already have three. Now sit and not another word about it!” The darkness lifted, and the fly flew away from that head as though it wanted nothing to do with these people at this table at all. That exchange was enough, that even a fly who has no reason to understand human behavior just knew on instinct that it wanted nothing more to do with her thoughts! “How do you know if you are too loud without teachers around?” Cait asked Ruth. Ruth shrugged. “Mom and dad. They shush us and remind us about our noise if we start laughing. They don’t get too mad if the noise is by accident, and long as we listen and we get quieter before we bother anyone.” “Your mom and dad, they always sit right next to you at the restaurant?” Cait’s eyes could still see daddy on the other side of the bar drinking a glass while drunk people crowded to close to her while pee poured under the table through her too thin and too tattle-tale thin fabric, and too I want to make everyone see while the pee hits the floor and everyone draws Daddy’s look at that, rather than that they are spilling beer and throwing up all over the place and getting against Cait’s arms and legs even when she pulled in…. “Yeah. I don’t think we ever sat separate, did we Billy?” “We did once, at that ice cream party.” “Yeah, but the whole one side of the restaurant was taken up by your baseball team, and it was a pizza party, and the rules were different. You were allowed to laugh and talk loud because you won your last game of the season. That was two years ago, right?” Food started to slowly come their way, root beers, brown filled soda in plastic cups for the children surprised Cait. Restaurants have cups for kids? “Some restaurants don’t have cups for big kids like us, but then their water glasses are small enough that if you use two hands, even a first grader won’t spill,” Ruth explained. “I don’t think you ever been to fam-ly restaurants, huh?” “No,” Cait looked down. “I only ever saw spitting, mean, yelling men that sometimes played their anger on a pool table for money or they drank until the loser loses his lunch to win.” “What kind of restaurant is that?” Billy looked up at his dad. “The kind you don’t need to know anything about until you are twenty-one, kiddo.” Billy’s dad ruffled his hair, but not like where daddy’s palm always hit my head hard and made me get watered eyes, Billy laughed and looked up at him with a big smile. He liked it! “Cait,” Auntie-grandma patted my leg. “So sit by your friends so you can eat and play a little. Just follow Ruth’s lead, and you won’t be too loud, I promise. If you are, we’ll let you know the right way, hon. No shame and no fear. Remember?” “Okay.” I hugged her and then took my place between Billy and Ruth. Billy was in the chair he brought to the table when we decided we were eating with them. My underwears felt a little wet, but I didn’t care. Uncle Sean didn’t care. And I already peed earlier, so it couldn’t be because I had to go potty. Maybe it was sweat and not pre-pee. The waitress made Ruth squeal with excited-ment when she put three empty dishes on the table in front of us kids. “Requested extra dishes,” she smiled at us children. “I wish more kids shared. It would waste a lot less food, and frankly make clean up easier for me.” I blushed. She liked that we were sharing. I didn’t remember if it was my idea or Billy’s idea, or if it was Ruth’s idea, but we agreed, and our parents got involved, too so we’d all have the same fraction of the same food. I felt like I did part of that. It felt good that my friends wanted to share, and that it helped the nice waiter-girl, too. We started to eat, and everyone was talking. I had a mouth full of this bread stuff with stuffing in it that had beans and other stuff, and it was good. Billy was telling Ruth something about fourth grade, the grade she would be going into, and Auntie Eiboline was telling Susan something. I felt my legs free, not being pushed into a tiny space to not bother, but actually pushing out, even touching Ruth’s legs, but she grabbed my leg and then sat her leg over it, as if she was in my lap, kind of partway, and smiling, she took a bite and winked at me. “You touching me doesn’t bother me, Cait. I like it.” A single comment from her past whispered in her ear from fourth grade. “Girls don’t fart….” Why did the ghost say that, right now? I looked over and around. I didn’t see the ghost. I went for another bit, and then my stomach hurt. I bent at the waist. “Cait?” Ruth’s voice sounded far off. “No, no, no!” I heard myself in math as the mess ran all over my chair. “No! This isn’t math class,” I was starting feel my shoulders shake, and my butt felt fiery. I tried to put a hand back, under my skirt, trying to pinch through my underwears at my bottom, but I could already feel it… filling up! Gross slimy brown liquid spat right through the underwears and into my hand. I pulled my hand out looking at it as horri-scared, as someone who’d been shot in the stomach and looked at their hand after looking. I couldn’t hear anyone else. I felt a heaviness pushing again and my underwears were too heavy. I felt it spreading and going all over the seat. “She pooped her pants,” I think Ruth said. “She’s crying! Mommy! Stop talking1 Cait’s stomach hurts! She’s crying! She’s pooping her pants!” “Now… you will not have any friends,” the ghost put its ugly white face changing into the face of Daddy in mine. “I told you, but you decided to call Sean your Dad. Who made sure you didn’t do this in public. Now, here you are, doing it in public. Let’s see how they stop the whole restaurant seeing what you did, and let’s see them make Ruth still be your friend. Don’t even, you useless bear! I told you this would happen!” Chapter 35 Please Don’t Mad; Not Hitting Mad; Just Mad? The Bear snapped at the air, but this was too real, too loud, too messy for Kookaberry. The ghost was here, and Kookaberry couldn’t take away the runny brown mess that even got on Ruth’s shorts. “You’re bites can’t stop this, stupid bear! You’re as hopeless as that little dirty panty messer that’s not even wearing the right panties! She’s wearing boy undies like a mixed up disturbed little….” but it didn’t say. It seemed saying anything else was going too far, but it was enough. Cait’s body made a sound, and then another rush of heavy mess logged in upon and over the rest of the mess already in her underwears and there was a sicking slimy slippery sliding that poured over the seat and down to the floor. Her skirt was just ruined. She was bawling with her cleaner thumb in her mouth. She didn’t know what else to do. Sean stood up. “We have a pair of shorts your daughter can borrow. Cait just bought them today, but I’m afraid… well, Eboline can explain to Susan,” he was already reaching under Cait’s arms. “I have underwears for your child she can borrow, if it doesn’t shock Ruth or you as her parents too much. You have to understand, Cait needs special care, and she’s scared that… well, Eboline can explain it to Susan in the bathroom.” “Wait, you’re going to let our daughter wear your daughter’s new things?” Todd asked looked up surprised. “Even if it were your daughter’s mess, it would be the right thing to do, sir. But Cait feels bad getting her dirty, and while it will help your daughter get clean, it will also reinforce what I’ve been teaching Cait. We clean it up, and it’s okay. And we got your little girl dirty, so we clean her up, and both your daughter and Cait will feel better. Trust me.” Todd frowned and nodded. “New clothes?” “Why not?” Sean asked. “They’re doing what they are supposed to. They’re being worn and used by children who need them.” Sean now had messy, thumb sucking, crying, shivering, scared Cait on his hip, his heavy warm hand rubbing her back and patting her messy butt. “She’s just scared. We get both her and her friend clean, and she’ll be okay,” he told the waitress. “Well, you people take care of your families, and I’ll have your food moved to a clean table. She’s not the first little girl to make a mess on my shift.” “You don’t have to,” Sean whispered. “I’ve been teaching her to clean up after herself. She just needs to feel….” “That’s nonsense,” the waitress waved him aside. “You take care of the child. It’s my job to provide you with a pleasant clean place to eat, and that’s exactly what I’ll do. It’s no trouble.” Cait was still bawling and couldn’t stop. She hated the ghost, her body, the whole thing. She couldn’t look at Ruth or Billy. She kept her eyes closed hoping not to see anyone look at her like… “You know, this is too far. We’ll be nice to you for our parents, but it’s over. You had no right to poop on me/ my sister. You’re not right.” A soft hand touched her arm, but she pulled it away not wanting fake comfort from a girl that was definitely just humiliated by her and grossed on by her. She didn’t need the younger child’s fake pity. Kookaberry seemed to hear something though. (Snap) It’s gnashing teeth were weak sounding and soft, but it was still there. He heard something. The Ghost stilled for a second. A second attempt a smaller hand on her dirty leg grabbed her ankle. “I’m not letting go.” sounded like it was underwater. It was muffled, another trick of the ghost trying to suppress what was there, but a light soft warm hand seemed to anchor to her ankle, and it wouldn’t drop even though Cait kicked at her feet at the fake pity. A very faint whisper, but the voice of the one that has been real with her since she found him, Kookiberry asked. “If it was fake… why is she touching your poop? Her hand is on your foot with poop on it.” Cait opened her eyes. They were walking through the restaurant towards the bathroom. Auntie wasn’t there. She was somewhere, but she wasn’t there. Around them, she saw Ruth holding her ankle, and though her dad tried to pull at her waist to lift her, she pushed his hand away. “Cait’s the one crying. I’m not letting go of her. She’s my friend. I’m not letting her think I’m not. I’m not. I’m not. I’m not!” As they opened the door to the men’s room this time, Todd looked at Billy. “Bill? Cait doesn’t want you watching her being dressed. Go in the toilet and use it.” “The urinals….” “Bill…,” Todd frowned at his son. “I know. But this time, just go in the toilet and use it, and stay there until I say otherwise. You care about this little girl, don’t you?” “Yeah,” Kookiberry could hear the resentment in his voice, but it wasn’t against his dad, and it wasn’t exactly against Cait either. It was… that he couldn’t help her, but Kookiberry told Cait that it wouldn’t be right. He’s not old enough to help with a mess like this, and his heart is right, but his actions are no needed. He likes you though.” Cait looked over where Billy shut the bathroom stall and she assumed was getting ready use the toilet. “Where’s Auntie-grandma?” Cait’s blurry eyes tried to focus on Sean. “She’s getting you and your friend some of your clean clothes. I told Ruth she could wear your shorts so she could be clean, too.” “Okay,” Cait breathed. “Good.” Her crying was forgotten for a minute. “I pooped my pants like last month,” Ruth looked at where Sean was still holding her. “It was at church and everything. Some of the other older kids yelled at me for it, and even two of the church ladies. I was crying. Mom told them to stop it. She said I’m a little girl that had an accident, and if their God punishes a baby for pooping her pants, then their Gods weren’t the same.” I looked down at her blurry form, my tears still trying to not let me see. Maybe it was the ghost again. “Your mom called you a baby?” “Yeah. But she only said that cause I was nine and the woman was way older and she was making a point that you don’t be mean to a kid that didn’t mean to have an accident even at church.” “And you’re really not… you know… mad that I got you dirty?” “It’s just stuff,” she shrugged. “I have to take a bath anyway when we get home. And your Uncle….” “No. My daddy,” I pulled tighter into Uncle Sean. “Sorry. Your daddy said I can wear your new shorts. I hope you’re not mad about that.” “I got you dirty. Why can I be mad when it’s my fault you’re dirty?” “No….” Ruth slapped her foot much like Sean popped her on the butt the other day when she called herself stupid, Cait remembered. Only Sean’s pop didn’t hurt because Sean chose not to have it hurt, and Ruth couldn’t really spank her, especially not on the ankle, but the message was the same. “Cut it out, Cait! You’re blaming and hurting yourself, and you’re wrong!” “You didn’t choose to poop your pants, Cait. If you did, you wouldn’t be bawling your heart out and sucking your thumb earlier! You got scared and everything! Something made it happen, just like what happened to me at church, and if your God makes you cry after you already got scared and punished for pooping, then he’s not my God, just like Mommy told that woman!” “I pooped my pants, and I’m ten,” Cait frowned. The energy for self hate now dissolved in front of a younger child who just saw no reason to let her be in that place. “So? I pooped my pants, and I’m nine,” Ruth whispered. “Think one year makes it okay if you can’t do it, but I can?” “I guess not,” Cait remembered getting it far earlier than being nine when she made mistakes. “Now, no more thinking about the mess on me. You get your daddy to put you down and you do what I do. You can do this. I know you can. You bigger than me, and I took off my own poopy panties at church.” “Now, wash your hands, first. You icky cause you tried to keep from pooping your pants. I did the same thing. I know how it feels and it’s gonna be gross, but we’re changing our clothes together, so we can be gross together. It’s okay.” While Ruth was taking off her messy shorts and leading Cait to take off her skirt, she saw the strange underwear. Cait looked down at the messy underpants and then up at Ruth, her finger on her lip. Ruth didn’t get mad about pooping her pants…. “You might not know,” Ruth sounded like she was being slow and trying to see how Cait felt as she said at each word. “But… those panties… Well, their made… not exactly… for girls.” “They hold pee better,” Cait felt her face flush. “When I’m almost going to pee my pants and trying to not let it get in my pants all the way because I want to be a big kid… they help with an extra second or two.” “Oh. Okay,” Ruth nodded. “If you wearing it because that, then I don’t care.” And then clothes were handed in at them while there was commotion outside, a firm stance by the two mothers. “Our children’s father are taking care of girls in there right now, and adult men can wait a few minutes. We’ll let little children boys in the girls’ room…” could be heard. Chapter 36 Wardrobe Division “She’s my friend… my friend… friend….” echoed in the darkness. A light soft hand grasped her ankle and didn’t let go. “I won’t… won’t… won’t….” The heavy stomach and thick slick sludge grunge dirty shorts and boy underwears out where everyone can see. Dirty underwears sticking it’s ooze on Cait’s legs and the shorts wet and sick on her friend, but the face is blurred, and the echoes continue. “...friend….” The rustle of blankets and sheets pushed back and away from a soaking wet pair of boy underpants that covered the middle of a pair of legs. A delicate hand touched the wetness in the underwears, confirming and somehow knowing this is normal, and the little body sat up. “You peed in the little boy’s bed,” she heard a whisper in the dark. “You peed the bed.” “I always pee the bed,” the little girl felt her mouth forming words, her throat working for the air it took to form those words, and her chest moving up and down as she looked around the dim room. The curtain was pulled back just enough that light was starting to break through the heavy fog of her dreams. “I’m not in trouble. Daddy’s not here.” There was no answer in the darkness to that. On the floor Kookaberry had fallen in the night, but it’s rescue line was still attacked to Cait’s pajamas. She didn’t change last night. Uncle Sean… Daddy… he changed Cait in the bathroom and Ruth’s dad wasn’t mad that he was changing Ruth, and Ruth was still smiling not only in the bathroom where she was being put in a pair of Cait’s new shorts that were just bought for her, but she was smiling through the rest of dinner. Billy was joking. Ruth got in Cait’s lap even after that, and hugged her and said that this little pissy and poopy pants… well, she didn’t even say pissy or poopy pants… she left that part out. She said: “This big girl is the best big girl in the whole big wide world, and I hope she stays the night soon.” “You were wrong,” Cait whispered into the darkness as she pulled Kookaberry’s leash until she could reach him and pull him into her chest. “You and your master, you are both wrong,” Cait whispered a little stronger into the dark. “Ruth didn’t leave just because I was bad.” “You’re not bad,” Kookaberry told me. “Remember? Daddy Sean says you just not potty trained, and he’s not going to potty train you until you ready, and not being ready is not the same as being bad. Remember?” “Yeah,” Cait frowned. “I be-membered. He says I am a big girl, but I just need time. He said it’s just water, and even the messes are just something to clean up, and not so important. He said to get him if I pee. I don’t want to though.” “He won’t be mad if you lie here and even go back to sleep,” Kookaberry whispered. “He knows it’s still scary for you to fully pee your pants. He won’t spank if you don’t do every single rule he makes. He only popped you once. The only thing he spanks for, is you saying the word s-t-o-o-p-i-t. If you don’t say that work, he doesn’t spank.” Cait nodded at the large empty room where no one could hear the conversation she was having. There were no ghost and no Kookiberry-s in Sean and Eiboline’s heads. There were no ghosts and no Kookiberrys in Billy’s head. It was just Cait who heard them, and her whispers in answers to them were just little mumbled mutterings that no one could even hear if they put a hand on her throat when she muttered. It was just the conversation in her head, and the room sat motionless and still, not watching her. The dog’s eyes were still watching the farm and its, now silent to Cait, words were directed in barks at the bigger animals in their neat little fences. The colt wasn’t standing scared too far from the mother horse. No, the colt, that had on invisible poopy panties a few days ago, was laughing today. She was teasing her mommy and her mommy was partly looking at the dog and partly at her. Did Cait move the mommy’s body so it looked different the day before? If she did, Eiboline forgot to correct it. “Your mommy loves you,” Cait whispered to the colt. “Your mommy is there even if you have trouble, and no matter how many fences there are, and if you get too tired to jump them, your mommy will charge over to you, not to tell you that you were bad, but tell you how proud she is that you got as far as you did before….” Warmth spread out of Cait and into the bed. She squeezed her legs together out of Habit. Water gathered in her eyes out of Habit, but Kookiberry hugged her tighter, or she hugged the bear. Did it matter? Hugging the bear ever tighter, the pee in her pants got soggier until she fully peed again, after she had already wet the bed in the night. But she wasn’t scared. Daddy said to get him. Not the crop farm daddy, but the Dairy farm daddy, the one that slept down the hall, he said to get him. “We have to get Daddy,” Cait told the bear. “After you finish peeing where you are,” she heard a dark voice in her head. Cait gritted her teeth and she frowned right at the window where the voice came from. “No.” She got out of bed, pee sliding down her legs a bit and she started into the hall. It was a rule that played in her head. “Stay where you are—Come and get me.” It was the old and the new, and she was listening, with Kookaberry, (chomp) Kookaberry hugging her tight while she felt pee splattering on the floor every few steps until she was outside the bedroom door, and she pushed the door… she touched the fence. She touched the boundary, and it didn’t hurt. “Uncle?” She felt the last of the flood push itself through her pajamas and wet the floor at the door. “Daddy? Uncle-Daddy? Are you in here? Are you awake?” The blankets moved, and I saw Auntie-grandma. “He’s already outside, Cait. Do need help?” “I want daddy!” and Cait ran from the bedroom, down the stairs, and to the kitchen door. She hadn’t been let outside on her own yet. Uncle was supposed to be making it safe out there. “Even if your new Daddy will carry you, Cait, if you go out there, and there are snakes all over the ground he is cleaning up… you will get bitten. That will be worse than old Daddy’s belt. Cait stood there, frozen. The sounds of Auntie’s slippers whispered across the floor as she approached the kitchen and she frowned at Cait’s hand reaching for the door. Her pajamas were still dripping and she turned to see her Auntie there. “The snakes are out there, wanderer,” the ghost used old daddy’s words against her. “You know that’s why Uncle Sean doesn’t want you out there right now, and why Daddy would get upset every time you leave the house without supervision back home.” “I want Daddy,” Cait whispered. “I know, Pet,” Auntie didn’t correct her. By now, Cait was sure Auntie knew she was starting to call Uncle Sean, Daddy. “But Daddy wants you to stay inside a few more days unless you are with Auntie Eiboline. He just doesn’t want something bad to happen.” There was a tear that ran down her left cheek. “Stay inside, child. I promise you, he’ll be right back after feeding the animals. When he’s got the farm ready for you, he’ll let you wander a little more, as long as you follow the rules.” Cait wasn’t sure, but she thought she heard a little more in a whisper after that. “We just don’t want it to happen again.” Those words were like Sand in a flour sifter though. They were lost the moment she whispered, and Cait couldn’t quite make out if she actually said it, or if the ghost was playing tricks on her. Auntie had turned her back to Cait for a moment, which made the words even harder to have been heard. She was looking out the window. “Okay.” Cait took what they said at face value because they had been there for her every time she had needed them, and they had let her play at the park and make a friend, and they had taken her to the restaurant and they controlled everything. So, if Sean knows this farm so very well… he must know something she didn’t. Auntie took a deep breath as she turned away from the unseen cross, from where Cait could only guess, might have been the direction of that un-rul-ie haircut of a field inside a fence, but whether that is where she was looking, Cait didn’t know. The sound of a heavy snort of some large animal seemed to breathe through the (win-doe) window as Auntie finally turned to Cait, her eyes still shining from something…. “I know what might help make you feel better, Pet.” “Yeah?” “How about you clean it up?” Auntie’s still misty eyes danced in their round homes at Cait in a mesmerizing appeal. “Remember a couple of days ago, when you cleaned up the mess?” “Yeah…,” Cait started to process what Auntie was trying to have her think about. “Remember how good you felt? Maybe if you clean up the dirty water on your own, you’ll feel better.” “What… what do I use?” Cait felt her hands and her heart racing. Auntie was telling her. I don’t want you to do it for me…. I want you to feel free of it. “You have your stuff in the bedroom where we put it. Just clean the carpet by your door, by the bathroom, and then by our bedroom. That’s where it really shows. Then after you’d done that, then you can decide if you want me to give you a bath, or if you want to wait for Uncle to come in after he feeds the animals. How would that be?” “Okay.” Auntie turned from Cait, trying to give her a little bit of trust that she could do this without her explicit instructions. Cait started to walk away. “You’re gonna mess (Chomp).” “Don’t listen to the ghost. Cait? Auntie trusts you. If she didn’t think you were able, she’d come up and help you. You understand that Auntie is trying to help you in a way that’s stronger than if there’s pee on the floor or not, right?” Cait shrugged. “I still want Daddy Sean though.” Kookiberry just looked up at her from her arms. He stared at her like he expected her to try, so Cait took a breath. “I’ll do it, then.” Cait scrubbed and scrubbed, still seeing a faint yellow stain though most kids her age would have thought the stain was gone long before then. Kookaberry didn’t stop her. He didn’t know what clean was. He was just a bear, so he had to trust Cait to stop when she felt it was good. Cait was still looking at the faint yellowness that neither Kookaberry nor Sean, and admittedly, the ghost had stopped talking about long before Sean’s first creaks on the last three steps of the top of the stairs finally drew Cait’s head his way. The stains in front of the bathroom and her own bedroom were still there. “Cait-a-kins? What are you doing, love?” “The pee. It won’t come out.” Sean frowned with a sigh. “I won’t? Is it stuck on the floor or is it stuck in your eyes, little one? Because I don’t see anything but a wet carpet in front of the door.” “What about right there?” Cait pointed at a yellow ring so faint and so hard to fully follow around it’s extended reach, even an ant would end up missing the edge if it was trying to follow it. “Cait. Up you go,” Sean didn’t let her argue. “You cleaned this one up as much as it needs doing. It’s breakfast, so let’s get your hands washed and you in some clean clothes. Is that alright?” “Okay.” Uncle Sean settled a now fully dressed in farm clothes, jeans and plaid shirt, Cait, and Auntie served her a bowl of oatmeal. “She’s not ready to clean the messes by herself,” Uncle Sean told Auntie. And it’s nothing to do with how clean she’ll get it. She doesn’t know when it’s clean enough. She was scrubbing the floor in front of our door since you sent her up there to clean it, and I didn’t see anything wrong with the floor, but her little eyes still saw the stain as clear as day, a stain that wasn’t there, Eiboh.” “Oh, my. She was taught how to clean the stain yesterday, and she seemed relieved to have cleaned it up herself.” “Well, I’m not saying not let her do it. I’m saying she needs checked on and supervised, or she’ll be up there all day still scrubbing long after the stain is gone.” “I’m so sorry, Cait. I should have checked on you. Next time, when Auntie lets you do it, we do it together, alright, pet?” Cait looked down. “I just didn’t want you to think I’m dirty and leave the mess when you let me clean it up.” “We would never think that, child,” Uncle Sean patted her very dry and clean bottom. “Now, sit and eat. I’ll have the farm ready for you by the end of the workday today, if all goes well, then this evening we can take a quick walk through so I can show you where you are allowed to wander and be as safe as I could make it for you. You’ll still have to learn to watch the animals though, so for a few days, you won’t be allowed to wander on your own until I know you are paying attention to the animals, though.” “Okay.”

Chapter 24 It Doesn’t Matter Uncle Sean came from the fields his face hot with red sun deep and just water pouring from his face, body water. What it called? Swat? And he paused and smiled at me. “I’m just going up to wash, Cait. You want to come up and help me wash my face?” “How come you need help?” Cait’s grasp tightened on Kookaberry. “Well, I didn’t mean I need it, but I do like you being there, maybe like you liked me being there when you peed in the potty this morning?” “He’s teasing you, Cait,” the darker presence whispered. “He’s making fun of you making him make sure. He wants you to pee your pants s he can tell your Daddy that he saw you do it, too.” “You wrong.” “Yeah? When have you had to watch anyone wash their hands. Usually, they wash your hands for you because you’re a baby that can’t stay clean. They check your panties, too, make you pull them right down so they can see inside for pre-pees, so they can accuse you of peeing your pants! I think Daddy told Sean to check your pre-pees, only he calls it just secretly peeing.” “Daddy doesn’t know I have pre-pees. He never saw that!” “Then what did he see last week in your panties?” “I peed them, outside, be membered? I pulled my skirt from them so I could pee on the ground. I peed my panties fully. That’s what he found!” “Still could have been pre-pees.” “No. Pre-pees are just felt. They not seen or smelled. Only I know when it happened because I trying not to pee.” “If you say so…,” the ghost popped out as Uncle Sean lifted her up. “Why do you look so serious, Cait?” he asked her. “Are you having a serious talk with Kookaberry?” “Something like that,” Cait whispered looking up at him. “Something like that?” Uncle Sean asked. “What do you mean, sweetheart?” “Well, it’s just trying to think of stuff right.” “Do you want to try to sit on the potty while I’m washing my face and see if you can pee there?” “Okay.” A few minutes later, after Uncle Sean had gotten her hands clean, too, she was sitting at the table, Ajax in his usual spot that was designated for him, and Cait across from Sean at the table with some juice poured for all three of them. The sandwich sat in front of Cait, but she didn’t reach for it right away. Her hands were folded in her lap… pressing into the damp warmth of between her legs. Sean raised his sandwich to his mouth. The scene of the table angled out, and at the same time as he took a bite, his hands holding his sandwich with both, the blur function blurs his angle and then shows Cait, the timing the same, doing the same. Auntie smiled from the end of the table that was closest to cooking and serving. Sean smiled to the small girl trying to help her through this. “We will go to the Park. Cait? How well do you read a clock? Do you know anything about reading one?” “Yeah,” Cait looked down in shame. “No, none of that,” Sean said strictly. “I wasn’t asking to hurt you. I wanted to know if you would understand something.” Cait looked up at him, her left ear slightly higher than her right ear because she tilted her head like a dog does when it seems to want something or doesn’t understand something. “What?” He tucked the last of his sandwich into his mouth. “Well, Can you tell me where the hands would be if I were to say four thirty?” “Yeah. The Ohs and the thirties are the places that the clock makes sense. The big hand is straight up for ohs, and it’s on thirties for straight down, and the little hand is on or just after the number you are saying as the hour. Right?” “Good. So, I’ll come in at around four-thirty, and we should be at the park by five-fifteen if you are already ready to go.” “I can’t read fifteen.” “Well, we’ll be driving and then arriving at that time anyway if it works out, so you won’t need a clock. I just want you to watch for the clock to have the hands so it says four-thirty. If I’m a little late, the big hand shouldn’t be past the 8 after reading four thirty. Understand?” “Yeah! So you want me to do something by then?” “Do you think they really want to take a pee pee pants like you to the park?” the ghost asked her. You always forget, you know. You’ll mess up and pee your pants, and then they’ll be upset that they have to explain to everyone that they let you do this. It’s your fault, but you’ll make it seem like they did something wrong… like you always do.” Cait squeezed her legs together under the table. She didn’t have to go—not yet—but she was still afraid, somehow, that if she were checked, there would be wet panties on her, and that maybe even if she hadn’t had a pre-pee now, that she felt, that somehow, she may still have wet panties. Her panties were always damp. The juice on the table set out in front of her was looking very enticing and delicious. “Try to go potty once more, make sure your front room city is contained in the space I asked you to keep it so it doesn’t get stepped on, and have clothes on you want to play in so we don’t have to wait for you to get dressed. Can you remind your aunt when the hands are little at the four and the big one on the three?” “Okay!” “Drink up, pet,” Auntie Eiboline whispered. “It’s warm out today.” “Famous last words…,” the ghost whispered as Cait’s eyes fell upon the bubbles and slippery wet from the hot against the cold glass reminding her of something like the glass having pre-pees. Cait’s mouth was dry, and her stomach felt like it was was jumping into her chest. Juice was liquid. Liquid as inside water. Inside water becomes the bad. “Miss potty pants will go to the park, and when you find out there are to toilets there, or maybe they are not where you are playing, you’ll never make it where they are. You will shame these people, and then they will know what your Daddy has been saying.” Kookaberry’s paw rubbed her arm. “Lies,” Kookaberry whispered. “Lies dressed around one true and painful thing. But still lies. Auntie? She will shrug when you pee your pants and Uncle Sean, will pick you up, just like last night in the bath. Just remember last night, and then you tell me they will care if you pee your pants!” Cait looked up at Uncle Sean. “I pee my pants at the park sometimes….” “And…?” he whispered. Cait frowned and studied his curly white and gray hair. He studied his face lines, and she studied his hands. He seemed fully relaxed. “What small child hasn’t at one time or another?” “But, I’m ten. People will look at you.” Auntie pushed her juice glass closer to her. “No one should be looking that carefully at a playing kid’s jeans to see anything other than a sweaty face that is laughing and running around? No one in this room cares if you happen to wet your pants,” Auntie smiled. “Unless…,” Uncle frowned at her. “...it makes our little lass cry. But if you feel bad or get upset you peed, you come and tell Uncle Sean, and we’ll get you safe as soon as we can, little angel.” “But they’ll say you let me,” Cait whispered to the table top. “That’s right, isn’t it, Cait?” the ghost echoed her fear. “The other big people will make Uncle need to hit you, to keep his reputation or will make Auntie remind you of why you needed to be smacked, for doing something that could get their farm take away. And your Daddy told him, didn’t he? He said you’d eat them out of a home, and if they take away the farm….” “If they said we let you, Cait, then I’d agree with them,” Auntie Eiboline frowned. “Better we let you pee than we shame you into hurting yourself. Pee isn’t meant to stay in your body forever. If you get scared and it comes out… at least it comes out.” Uncle pushed at the glass closer to her, and Cait saw the puddle on the table, as if the glass had just peed down its legs and made a puddle. She glanced back up at Uncle Sean. “It’s okay, little lady. You need to drink up. It’s not good for you to go thirsty for nonsense like you might pee,” Uncle Sean frowned. “You might, but Cait, even if you don’t drink, you might pee. People pee whether they drink or not. The thing is, if you don’t drink enough it makes it worse.” “It does?” “It does. And if you are worried about what people will say about us, imagine how much more we’d need to explain if you passed out because we denied you the right to be healthy? Peeing is nothing in the big universe Cait.” “In the… Yunibas-ity?” Cait tried to catch the big word. The endless night in the stars above when she had seen the night sky on the few times she tried to slip away before light to think in the past, she would wonder at the (Yunibas-ity). “If we are God’s favorite? Why is humans so mall in the night?” She often wondered that, and the idea of Aunti saying that peeing is nothing in the big (Yunibas-ity), she wondered. “Is that why I don’t matter? I just a pee pee?” “Cait,” Uncle Sean leaned in. “God made your head to look up at the sky, and where did he put your head?” “Up here, on my top?” “And Cait? If God cared so much about pee being seen, well, think. When you are sitting for a while and no one has seen it… has anyone come up to you and asked you if you peed your pants unless they were there close to the time you did?” Cait tapped her finger on her chin. “No?” “If pee is hidden down your legs, and it dries out, but your head is always on your shoulders and the easiest place for others to see, what do you think God cares more about?” Cait shrugged. “You are shrugging, but you know what he means,” Kookaberry rubbed her hand, or did Cait rub the bear’s paw? Did it matter. “You know he’s right. The ghost is wrong. Drink the juice, Cait. If they were cruel and blamed you after drinking the juice, then you can throw me for lying.” “You’re Ajax. You don’t lie.” “Then trust me and do what your Aunt says. The ghost is a liar, Cait.” “Okay.” Can Cait took a big drink, but then she looked at the clock. 12-5. It was almost 12:30. Cait looked at the clock, and she knew he wanted her ready at the 4 and the 3. So she broke the time down. 12-3, 1-3, 2-3, 3-3,and 4-3. So the middle is 2-3. She looked over at Auntie. “If I set your clock in the bedroom for 2-3, would that mess it up on you?” “Two-three?” Auntie Eiboline asked. “Yeah, so I can start trying to pee, so I keeping promise with Uncle Sean. He asked two things. One is go pee one more and to change clothes at 4-3. So I can do it, but 2-3 is middle. I forget sometimes at the middle.” “We all, do, Cait,” Auntie Eiboline smiled. “We all do. And yes, I’ll set it for you if you promise to turn it off after it starts making sounds.” “I promise.” 12-7 Uncle went out to the animals again. I went with Auntie so she could show me how to turn on and off the button that makes the noise, and she showed me she was setting the alarm, but the setting was really confusing. Auntie rubbed my back. “One thing at a time, Cait. I just wanted you to understand, I am setting it like you asked.” “But I already know you would?” Cait said puzzled that Auntie had to prove herself doing what she promised. She’s a big person. Cait knows she knows how, and even if maybe she accidentally lied once or twice, and Cait can’t even remember when, she knew that Auntie lied a lot less than Daddy did, and most times than not, it wasn’t a lie, it was a she think-ed something, and it wrong, and she still said she sorry about it. She also told the truth it wasn’t what she think-ed it.” Auntie let me play, but what I did first, at 1-12, was I carefully moved any blocks that moved out of the play space Uncle Sean gave me in the front room back where he told me to have it. That way, later, if I forget, I still did it at least once, and maybe not as many buildings will be in the wrong place. I called from the living room. “Do people go to the park?” I asked as I knew Auntie was doing something in the kitchen. “They do, Cait,” she called back and even came to the living room doorway to check on me. “But I can’t promise when they’ll be there or won’t. People have their own lives, still, I do know one park that is used a lot by children. We’ll try that one first.” “Maybe if I can make a friend, we can play in the living room together with the little front room town?” Cait looked over at Auntie with child wonder and innocence. “I’m sure we can set up some play dates if you want to play with someone. But let’s not get too far ahead of ourselves. Sometimes, it takes more than one day to make a friend, you know.” “Yeah, specially me.” “What does that mean, Cait?” “I only meant people don’t like me. I cause trouble and I stink.” “Cait. You don’t stink. Not really. And if someone doesn’t want to be your friend, they can come up with a number of reasons. And if someone wants to be your friend, they aren’t going to mind if you have some problems that you struggle with. That’s what you need to learn about people and friends. You don’t earn friends, Cait. You get friends because you are a friend. You show you care, and they show they care.” Cait looked down. “Okay.” “You haven’t experienced it that way I suppose,” Auntie frowned. “Well, kids can be judgmental and the harsher their parents are on other people, the harsher the kids judge. It’s learned behavior.” Cait turned back to her town and started to play. Auntie was way over her head right now, and she just wanted to play again. Cait looked at the clock at 2-7. The alarm! She ran out of the living room and started up the stairs where she saw Auntie. “I tried to get there. I saw the hand on the 7. I know I was supposed to go at 2-3. I sorry.” “It’s okay, Cait. Do you need clean underwear?” “No. But can I go?” “Yes, Cait. You go ahead. I took care of the clock. You missed the alarm this time, but if you ask, we can set it another time and try again. Missing it once isn’t failure. It just means we need to learn to judge time a little more closely, but after two hours, that isn’t even easy for Auntie sometimes.” “Okay.” Cait went into the bathroom and sat on the toilet for a minute, but as she sat there, thinking, and looking into her dry underwears, she scolded herself. “You can’t make a promise and break it. You better pee, stupid body. You can’t let Auntie down. You (be-er) not let Uncle down too!” Her body shivered. It was dried up inside. The stains in the underpants she had hanging off her knees told the tale of each of the other three times she’d been to the toilet this morning, the dampness that barely touched her skin the first time, the three or four little squirts the second time, and the two little almost too late pitter patter piddles the third time. “Come on… pee,” she whispered to her little body. “You don’t want to make Uncle mad by lying, do you? You upset Auntie. You promised to turn off the alarm. You’re like 4 whole numbers late to sit on the toilet. How come there’s not even any pre-pee in the underwears?” Still her body stayed quiet and still with only dryness in response. “Fine. We try again at 3-3, and you better go!” She stood up shimming her underwear up, but this time, she left the bathroom without her pants. “And you know the rule. You don’t take a your turn to pee, then you don’t get to wear pants! That’s Daddy’s rule, and we following it because you bad girl!” “At least you remembered the rule,” a voice from the dark shadows came. “But what good is the rule if no one will hit you for it?” Cait froze. “So, what I do?” “Daddy used to do something. Maybe you forgot?” “Cold bath with my disgusting underwears on? I can do that, if I pee my pants at the park after I don’t go. But I gonna try to go before 4-3.” She pulled the pants all the way off and draped them over the tub. Then she ran down to the living room in just underwear. “And if you don’t go at 3-3, I’m taking off my shirt,” she warned her stubborn little body so the ghost could hear her. The ghost stood in the living room door. “I don’t know why you threatened about being naked. You know its’ okay with your body to be naked. He doesn’t make you scared the same way Daddy does.” “Stop it. I said I sit in cold water in the bath. What else can I do?” “What’s weird about daddy likes to hit you when you’re naked because you know that naked means you were bad, but Sean doesn’t hit? He’ll probably say something like you didn’t need to do that or something that means you not bad at all.” “But I know what it means to be naked in the house in the day. It still means I was bad.” The ghost shrugged. “Okay… but don’t say I didn’t warn you if you don’t pee at 3-3!” Cait sat on the floor, looking from the television to the clock every few minutes, the desire to play front room city was not in her. She could only hold Cookaberry close to her chest, and she even tried to push to see if any piddles would dribble into her underwear so she knew it was time to go, but her underwear remained stubbornly dry. Three-twelve. She sat there watching television and the clock. “Three more numbers,” she warned her body. There was some commercial about a toy that stretched on television. The block city was still back behind the line that Uncle had given her. It was the only thing she had obeyed since he went out to the field. She had one little hand and three more big hands to get her body to obey. So the alarm would be the only thing she messed up. Four-twelve, and her underwears were still dry and she was still holding her Bear. Where did the time go. “Stupid body!” she scolded herself. “Pee! You hear me, pee. Just do it fully in your underpants, but pee!” Still, no pee came out. “Stupid!” she told herself. Four-one, and Auntie came in. “Cait, what are you doing without any pants on?” “Trying to make my body behave!” “What do you mean?” “Well, at home, when my body doesn’t go pee when daddy gives me a turn to go, he takes off my pants as punishment for trying to pee my pants. I took off my pants as punishment because I didn’t turn off the alarm, and my body won’t even pee in the underwear yet, and so sitting on the toilet is just going to take it up if you want to go. I keep trying but it keeps being dry and no nothing at all. I was supposed to take off my shirt. I forgot.” “Cait, you don’t take off your clothes because your body won’t pee on demand. We aren’t made that way. It’s something you have to answer, not something you can decide when to go.” Cait looked up at her. “Daddy makes the other girls do it, and they can do it. I’m the only one that’s stupid and doesn’t go when I need to before we take a trip that’s more than an hour.” Eiboline sighed. “Cait, your father’s rules don’t work here. They are harmful to you, and this is just not right. Come here, little one. Let’s go get some play clothes on you.” “And if I pee before we leave the house?” “You’ll be left behind,” the ghost whispered. Cait’s eyes looked from the corner where the whispers came and to her Aunt’s eyes. Auntie twitched a little and blinked. It was like she was confused that Cait would worry about it. But eventually, with a small sad choke as she looked out into the fields through the kitchen window… off to the small patch of field that was untrained, she gulped and then answered. It was like she was bracing for it, but not the same way Daddy readies a belt. “Then we put something else on you. But you wear clothes Cait. Being naked will not make you have to go pee if you don’t need to go. I am sorry. Your uncle and I must have put too much pressure on you. We shouldn’t have asked you to pee before going to the park.” Suddenly, Cait felt herself being pulled into Auntie’s embrace and she was kissed on the head. “Please stop worrying about if you pee, pet. It’s not that important to stay dry. It’s only important how you feel, child.”

Chapter twenty-two They left me… just the way I was They loved me… just the way I was Cait had been carried to bed in her sleep the night before, so she had not felt the significance that tonight… she was being taken to bed in Sean’s arms, and her underwears… they were not starting the night wet for once. The ghost can’t even tell her that she wasn’t wet last night when she went to bed because it was gone, too. Cait was fully asleep at that point. Cait hugged Uncle Sean, and she whispered. “I wished I could sleep between my mommy and daddy sometimes. But I’m ten.” Sean frowned. “Are you serious, pet?” I looked up at him. “Am I being a baby?” “Not at all, child. I think I asked my dad to sleep in his room sometimes until I turned maybe thirteen. It’s natural, especially when you are uncertain or scared. I’m sorry I’m not your dad, but maybe we can just substitute, just this once?” “You’d do that?” “Let me ask your Auntie,” Uncle Sean patted my butt. “I have to make sure we don’t over step anything your Aunt has to explain first.” “Oh, I don’t want to make trouble. I can sleep in my own bed.” Uncle Sean patted my butt, and getting my bear, he walked us into the kitchen. “Eiboh? Cait’s feeling a little lonely tonight? I don’t suppose it would be difficult explaining to your cousin that she needed to sleep with us one night, would it?” “You think I care what that son of ….” she pauses as she notice my eyes were not quite closed. “I’ll explain it to Maire. She won’t mind. And well, she can explain how to be a father to her father if he doesn’t like it.” “See, sweetie? It’s not so scary just to ask. If Auntie didn’t want to deal with it, she’s just say no, and that’d be the end of it, but she said we could. So, come back to the living room since we are going to be in the same bed anyway. I’ll just hold you a little longer.” “I pee the bed, remember?” He patted her butt. “Now.” Cait seemed to breathe easily all night. Her arms and legs were nearly motionless. Her eyes stayed closed, and the darkness didn’t seep into the room at all. Out the window from where the three figures lie, an adult slender woman turned to her side, one hand over the middle and the heavier bigger form but shorter than the elegant slender taller one. It was on it’s back. And snuggled between them, a little shorter one clutched a bear in the crook of her arm, her thumb fully in her mouth, but her mouth hung open in a state of heavy breathing, and from there we soar up to the moon, and then riding its ray of light in all of its glory down into a moment of yesteryear. Cait was very little then, maybe five or six years old, maybe even smaller. She was sitting on a bench and had her thumb in her mouth looking around at all these big people in an office. It was the same elementary school she came out of fourth grade, for sure. She knew the offices well from going there all the time. Second grade… she heard something in the background. “That’s when Mr. Ivorson told Daddy that you purposefully that ‘but’ is a bad word and that you weren’t going to get in trouble for saying it when you were reading and got everyone laughing and acting crazy, be member? Some of the others starting saying the other word for butt that same week and then Daddy had to come and take you out of school for the day and you got in trouble for mixing up a word on purpose!” The dream faded. “I pee my pants, remember?” and Uncle Sean just said, “Now.” And around the house the night quiet sounds of nature soft and there in presence, but never intrusive, didn’t wake Cait until she felt the bed shifted and Uncle Sean was sitting up. “Hey pet,” he whispered as the more elegant form was still on her side, her hand still draped over the small girl that had been between then. “Dark outside,” Cait looked at the window and nodded. “Yeah. Going on four-thirty,” Uncle Sean smiled. “You coming back to bed?” “No. I need to start feeding animals so they have had breakfast before Auntie gets up. She’ll be up in about half an hour. If you want, you can watch TV.” “If you are already awake,” I copied Daddy. “You can get your lazy butt, I mean, I can get my lazy butt up and wash off the pissy sheets I mad.” “No,” Sean frowned. “Your Aunt is still sleeping, so you can’t do it if we wanted you to, and you are not going to spend the summer here in shame or working from the minute you wake. If you get up, you go the toilet if you want, and then you go to the living room until Auntie gets up to help you get a bath, pet. You can play down there or watch TV if you like.” “I can just watch TV? Just play? Just get up and not do nothing?” “Well, if you feel guilt, there is one thing you can do for me,” Uncle Sean says. “Yeah?” “Change your underwear even if you use or you don’t use the toilet before going downstairs. I don’t want you sitting in icky pee, darling.” “Wait, what? That’s it? How is that for you?” “Well, I have work with the animals and I need to keep my wits about me, and if I’m worried about you being in wet underwear and scared and uncomfortable, I might mess up.” “I don’t think you would….” “Please, don’t make me test that, Cait? Just change. It takes less than a few seconds, right? I’ll even change you if you need me to.” “I… I can do it. I just. You said do something for you!” “It is for me, Cait. I’ll worry if you don’t do it.” “Okay. I’ll do it. See?” and Cait slapped her feet across the room towards the door and out and towards her own room. She still didn’t understand how this was for Uncle Sean. He wasn’t wearing soaking wet undies, was he? And if he was, it was her fault. -- Cait came back to the hall, and as Uncle Sean was about to walk down the steps to the kitchen, Cait walked into the bathroom, swung the bathroom door wide open, and then went to the toilet and started to undress. “I’ll just get the door.” “No!” Cait called out sharply and then put her hands on her mouth. “What did I do?” Uncle Sean asked. “Nothing?” Cait whispered. “Cait? Talk to me. Do you like the door closed when you go pee?” “Not in the morning. I want you to see me do it. It means I good girl and didn’t lie that I peed my pants and took up time in the bathroom, but I peed my pants. It means you know I peed, otherwise, I can’t change my underwears.” Uncle Sean shook his head. “If it helps, you can leave it open, pet.” “You have to watch!” Uncle Sean shook his head. “I’ll watch because you are asking me to, but Cait? No one has to watch you to believe you told us you went to the toilet. Even if you are wet a few minutes later, which you shouldn’t be unless the problem is even worse than I already know it to be. But even if you are wet a minute later, if you tell your Aunt and me that you went to the toilet, sat on it, and went in the toilet, it doesn’t mean you lied if you are wet a few minutes later. It just means something else is wrong, little lass. And it’s not your fault.” “You have to watch. Please?” He stood there by the door and started talking about selling his cheese, milk, and other products in the fall. When she came out, he handed her the bear and then he picked her up, carried her down to the kitchen and gave her a glass of juice and told her to play in the living room. He left the television on a cartoon while she was playing. Chapter Twenty-three She Echoed Him “Sean is wrong,” the ghost was disrespectful and didn’t say Uncle. Cait glared at the ragged old pee stained skirt almost invisible thing standing across the room from her. “If you don’t show Daddy you peeing in the toilet, you’ll be told to show him your real puddle later—if your bedding’s not wet. Even Grainne has to prove to daddy that she pees in the morning.” “Yeah. I know.” Cait whispered. “But Daddy doesn’t have to check Grainne. That’s weird. Isn’t it?” “The old man is weird all over the place, but that doesn’t change that you better not accidentally get used to Kookaberry’s rules because even if Uncle Sean said you could take the bear, you know what would happen to it, right?” My heart felt like it had pins in it. “He wouldn’t be mine no more.” “Exactly.” “So… I have to keep following the rules so when I go back home, I didn’t forget them?” “You can try not to do the rules. But if you do, and then you make a really big mistake at home… Well, don’t say I didn’t warn you. And stop looking at me like that, Kookoo doll! It’s the truth.” “Don’t call Kookaberry Koo koo or I won’t talk to you know more.” “Fine. But explain to Kookaberry that we know Dad and he doesn’t. His rules don’t apply at our house even if he is Ajax all over this place, he isn’t the Ajax of our Misery.” “Ghost is right,” I sighed to Kookaberry. “If I take you with me, I don’t know what will happen to you for real, but I know you won’t be mine no more. I have to leave you, because I don’t want no one to tear you up.” “I’m still here while you are here, though,” Kookaberry said. “Maybe you can tell your Uncle what you are afraid of? He might tell your Daddy that I’m yours.” “That’s not going to make Daddy happy at all, and it will make you go away faster and maybe even go in the fire. I not going to say nothing to make Uncle Sean talk to Daddy because I know he would, but Uncle Sean’s hands don’t reach two states. It’s like a gazzillion seconds away, and he can’t stop anything Daddy does.” “I’m Sorry, Cait. You are right, though. No one is that fast except Santa Claus.” “Even Santa Claus knows better than to visit us,” Cait frowned at Kookaberry. “He once brought toothbrushes for us, but that’s the only kinds of things he has for us. Daddy gets mad if he brings anything else. We don’t deserve nothing else, specially me.” It was around five thirty when Auntie Eiboline came down the steps in a nightgown and saw Cait playing in just underwear and a shirt. “Cait, hon? Would you like to get some pants on and a better shirt? We need to go to the well again, if you want, pet.” “The well? Yay! I can bring Kookaberry!” “I think you should leave Kookaberry at the table, sweetheart. You’d be really sad if you dropped him in the well or you couldn’t find him for a long time because he got dropped in the fields. He’ll keep here for you when you get back.” “Oh. Okay.” “See?” the ghost whispered. “Even Auntie knows you’ll mess up and leave Kookaberry because you get thinking about other stuff all the time.” “That’s enough,” Kookuberry. “Auntie has no such thinking. I’ve always been tied to the house and the car. That’s where I stay. It’s not about Cait. It’s about people and where toys belong.” “How do you know where toys belong? I heard you were locked up for over twelve years!” “How do you know what human parents are like? You just get in the way of Cait all the time,” Kookaberry countered. “You have to visit other people to actually understand what all people are like, and even you have to agree that Cait’s dad isn’t the typical Daddy.” “Fine. Agreed. But you still haven’t seen other people either.” “I don’t have to. We are talking about Sean and Eiboline, right? And I have lived in this house for over 12 years. Those twelve plus the years that he existed, and I know what they are like more than you do.” “Fine.” The ghost seemed to just poof into smoke out of irritation. “Have you been to the bathroom this morning?” Auntie Eiboline asked. “You can come with me and see,” Cait said instead of telling something that the ghost would surely turn into Auntie thinking she was lying. “Actually, can you take me?” Eiboline smiled. “I can, if you want, Cait. But do you understand you can go on your own, too? You are allowed, little lass.” “I like it when you take me.” Cait said without telling her why. Eiboline nodded. “Alright. It’ll give me a chance to wash your face and make sure you put on some clothes that will keep you warmer in the earlier part of the morning.” “See? She doesn’t trust you to dress yourself either,” the ghost whispered into her ear. Cait strugged at the ghost. The ghost was on Daddy alert, and daddy wasn’t here right now, and she was simply tired of thinking about what Daddy said right then. The Ghost was ruining her time with Auntie-grandma, and she wasn’t going to allow it. “Auntie? Do you think that you could take me somewhere today? I mean, anywhere, if it’s not troubling to you?” “Where would you like to go, pet?” “Maybe where there are other kids?” “Well…, I suppose I could talk it over with Uncle Sean and make sure he would be needing the car. You see everything is so far from the house, and if he needs something for the animals or to finish the repairs out there, then he wouldn’t be able to get them without a car.” “I only meant if it’s not trouble.” “Well, we can ask him. How about when he comes in for breakfast, we could ask?” “Okay.” The walk to the well was just like the day before. “The water is already gone from both of the buckets?” Cait asked when she saw the yellow plastic pail inside the tin one in the mud room. “Well, of course, pet. We don’t bring back more than we can drink because that would require finding space to store it, and while you might be young, I’m getting a little old to be carrying more than I need.” “Oh, um… okay,” Cait didn’t want to think about Auntie Eiboline being old. She carried Cait sometimes and put her in her lap. If she was old, then lifting on Cait and holding her, and Uncle Sean carrying her… he couldn’t do that. But he hadn’t acted like he didn’t want to. As they started towards the Well again, and Cait’s hand went into her Aunt’s hand, a golden brown dog could eventually be found trailing far enough behind again to keep from being in Auntie’s way. “Would it cause trouble if I let Shadow drink from my pail?” Cait asked Auntie. “Suppose she could this once, but you’ll have to take no water the first time, and this evening, before dinner, you may need to come to the well again with me to make sure we have water tonight. And I’ll want you to wash it out good before morning. Promise me?” “I promise, Auntie Eiboline.” She smile. “Now.” And then she filled the bucket about half full, and the made sure Cait had it with both hands before sending her to the dog who waited feet away. “From both of us,” I whispered to Shadow. “You know it’s good water, right?” Shadow laid down until I was upon her, and then she started to drink from the bucket. I could feel the thank you from her body rubbing against me and making me happy. “Where do you sleep?” I asked her. She licked my hands and then drank more water. “Your body has stickers in it. Are you hurting?” I started to try to pull some of the owie burrs from her fur. “Auntie? Shadow has stickers all over her. Isn’t there an easier way to get them out? They hurt her.” “Now.” Auntie Eiboline smiled and nodded. “How about when we get back to the mud room, I’ll go in the kitchen for a moment to get some old things and you lead her to the mud room if she’ll follow you.” “If she doesn’t?” “We’ll figure it out, Cait. I’m sure Shadow wants those burrs out of her fur as much as you do.” “More even,” I frowned up at her. “They hurt.” The rest of the morning, the only thing that Cait wanted was to get the burrs off of Shadow, to wash the sheets she messed up in the night, and she vaccuumed and did all the normal things she figured that Grainne did everyday at Daddy’s farm minus helping Cait. As the sun reached the peak in the sky, Cait was in the living room playing with her woodland creatures town with Kookaberry running errands here and there helping all sorts of adventures if it was to save the Rabbit family Daddy from a cruel trap that hunters set to finding a way to help the Raccoon family food from the Cannery Goods Market, the place where people dumped perfectly good food for Raccoons, and then tried to make it hard for them to get. “Why do we cover the cans with lids? If the food is just going to spoil more, and the Raccoons and other animals don’t mind the food, how come people don’t put food in a place where they can get it?” Kookaberry spread out through all of the lands both the bedroom and the living room that as Ajax, he made a decree, that from now on, if people didn’t like their trash to be dumped, then they have to make a place for Raccoons to get what they want, and the Raccoons had to be responsible and dump what they don’t eat in a way that doesn’t get in the way of others. Cait whispered to herself. “That’s a good law.” Sean walked into the house and sat at the table, and Cait stood, grabbed her little Ajax Bear, and she walked over and sat in Uncle’s lap. “You know what Kookaberry did today?” she asked. “He told all the kingdoms even the shrine people on the dresser, that from now on, they have to make a Raccoon market, and he told the Raccoons in all three cities, the upper shrine city, the bed side town, and the front room town, that they have to get rid of anything they don’t want so it doesn’t make the other people mad in town. Isn’t that a good law?” Sean smiled at Aunt Eiboline with their own secrets about how that should work, but what he did with Cait, was he just lifted her and put her in his lap. “How has your morning been?” “Well, Ajax Kookaberry made a law, Shadow talked to me and I made her clean because she was sticky with a bunch of stickers from wild stuff outside, and then we cleaned up the house a little, and then you came in, and we’re going to have lunch.” “Bathroom?” “I went three times today. Oh, and can I go to the park? I asked Auntie only she said only if you don’t want the car because you have to use the car sometimes.” “I’d love to drive both you and Auntie to the park, pet. Can you wait until a couple of hours before dinner?” “Okay.” “How are the safe paths coming on?” Auntie asked Uncle Sean. “You know Cait is very excited to get to spend time with you and see some of the animals up close.” “I know. I promise, soon. The last winds weakened some fences I want to repair first against the wild foxes. If we don’t, they’ll be in at your hens. And come Wednesday, we may have another birth coming in the fields. We knew it would be soon.” “Oh, is old Ginny really ready to give birth then?” “I think she is. Cait would probably enjoy watching that.”

Chapter Thirteen A Kinsella Morning The bathroom door opened again maybe half an hour later, and steam clouds followed them out as little naked Cait held Uncle Sean’s hand while Auntie Eiboline led the way back to the bedroom for clean clothes for her. No one looked at the bed at all. Uncle carried Cait to the window, no shame at all, and opened it holding her… naked. It was so different! She was supposed to hide her dirty little body at home. But here… he let her fresh clean body drink in the rays of the sun. There were no houses or people to see within miles. He wasn’t exposing her. He was just making her free, and then he put her back on her feet. “Feels good to have the sun on your body for a minute, doesn’t it, pet?” he asked. Cait smiled up at him. “Yeah, maybe….” She wasn’t sure. But why say he was wrong if she didn’t know? He wasn’t different than yesterday… not yet. “Pet, come here,” Auntie Eiboline called softly at her. Auntie was at the dresser, and the well lit room now let Cait see that there were people in the farm scene played out on its top. But the people didn’t pay attention to the dog, and the people didn’t even look like they saw the animals. One human figure was next to a fence. Was he repairing it? One human figure was in an empty barn structure. Was he doing something you do for animals in there? Cait didn’t know. “He’s cleaning the animal toilets,” the ghost teased her. “Yeah, yeah, he is. That’s why the horse girl couldn’t go potty. The toilets are being cleaned like after school, and you wait too long at school and the toilets get closed. That’s why she was going pee pee in her pants and she stayed away so no one knew!” Cait brightened up though. It meant the horse girl had the right to go, but she didn’t like the humans watching her. The water gun on the dresser had it’s pointed end aimed at the lone little horse. Why? Cait shook her head and looked up at Eiboline who had a pair of white boy underpants again. “I… I’m going to ruin it,” Cait whispered. “No, pet. You are going to use it like a child does. If you happen to pee in it, then you pee. It’s okay.” Cait wrinkled her eyes up at the grandma-Aunt. “I can pee them?” “You can wear them and let nature do as nature does,” Auntie Eiboline smiled. It wasn’t direct permission to just do it, but it wasn’t denying permission of what happens. It was just permission to wear them and let things be. It was… strange to Cait. “When we get some money later, pet, we’ll get you some girl panties. I know girl panties will be so much more comfortable for you.” “I don’t mind at all, really, Auntie. These are okay. I can actually… um…,” she blushed. She didn’t think it was a good idea to tell it. If she told her daddy about pre-pee, he might have ‘Just-a-owned her.’ No reason to get Auntie Eiboline in trouble by telling her something dad will be mad if she forgets to tell him. “I like them.” She nodded to herself. The thickness. The weight. The cotton feel. It felt like she could pre-pee more in them without it becoming pee, and that felt safe. Cait hugged her Auntie while her Auntie pulled them up snug on her. I think the bed… smells like me,” Cait told her Aunt trying to walk a fine line between telling her about pre-pee and not acknowledge that she really peed her pants last night—in the bed. “Your daddy and mommy told us you struggled,” Auntie Eiboline turned her away from the bed. “You worry about putting this undershirt on, not what might be hiding under the blanket right now. Whatever I see, we will deal with it on it’s turn, but right now, it is the living’s turn, and you, Cait Weimer—Kinsella, you matter. You hear me?” Cait smiled up at her. “What that meet?” she may have meant mean, if she knew that means meant. “What it means, is you need to get dressed so we can have breakfast. Chores come after breakfast in this house, little pet. Chores are important. They help keep things organized and clean, but more important than chores, are the living. You make sure the living eat, and the living feels seen and heard.” Auntie smiled as she pulled the undershirt over Cait’s had and then touched her nose. “Wait? I eat before I put my wet pants in the dirty place and I make the bed?” I asked. “That’s exactly what I mean,” Auntie told her as she took her hand and deliberately turned her when she looked back at the bed to remove the bed from Cait’s view. They were facing the wardrobe. She opened it, and Cait saw several plaid shirts and a few folded over jeans in the floor of it. “Where you get all this?” Cait whispered because things still weren’t really explained to her yet. “Well, we will talk about that later,” Eiboline whispered in the same way. “For now, we make the clothes happy by letting them be fully useful, right? So, what shirt feels like a today shirt, pet?” And just like that, Cait was down in the living room at the table. She was wearing boy clothes for sure. There was a farm set on the dresser. Boys play with those, but a girl could, too. Water guns were played with by girls when it was hot out. But the room was… well, the clothes. It was a boy’s room. She was probably the only girl in the world that wore boy underpants, but so far, girl underpants meant she peed her pants, got in trouble for moving around when she did it, or making the school call, and make daddy mad. Boy underpants meant more safety for pre-pee. It meant she was here, and the man in the house told her to move if she pees her pants, to get him. And she got hot baths. Boy underpants were a lot better than girl underpants so far. Sean picked Cait up after they buttoned the shirt, folded the leg cuffs to fit, and he side stepped out of the room, her head towards the wardrobe, and when she started to turn back to the dresser to look at the toys, Sean put a hand on her back making her unable to turn back, as if he didn’t want her to see something. But he let her see the animals on the dresser. What didn’t he want her to see? It didn’t matter. They were downstairs, and Auntie Eiboline already had her playing with a bowl and some flower and other stuff—making breakfast. Making blueberry muffins? Sean looked up at the clock. “It’s getting late. I need to at least feed the animals. You two finish breakfast while I go feed the livestock. They should have been fed more than thirty minutes ago.” “I can help!” Cait spoked up. Sean shook his head slightly at Eiboline. “And who’s going to help me finish breakfast if you go off gallivanting with your uncle?” Auntie Eiboline frowned. “You promised to help me if we made blueberry muffins, remember?” Cait nodded. “Sorry Uncle Sean. I made a deal with Auntie first. Maybe tomorrow?” “Maybe, pet,” Sean smiled and ducked away before Cait could think too much about it. It was maybe a couple of hours, Cait might guess, though she couldn’t be sure since she didn’t look at the circular disc on the call when they started. Auntie Eiboline and she made blueberry muffins, scrambled eggs, sausages, and toast. But some how, Uncle Sean didn’t have to be called. He came in maybe five minutes after they’d set the table, and Eiboline had had Cait help her wash out the dishes. She was actually letting her helped, and not once, when Cait knew she didn’t know what she was doing, and knew she had blocked Auntie Eiboline here and there, but not once had she been treated like she was the problem. “I’m sorry, Pet. I’m not used to having a helper in this space, but I did ask you. That was my fault. Are you okay?” She had said this not once, but like three times. Once when Cait was in her way of putting a dish away, once when Cait was idle by the fridge, and once when Cait was at the table and Auntie Eiboline was putting sausages on plates. “I’m okay,” she said looking up at the Grandma-aunt. “You don’t have to be so careful with me. No one ever is.” “Pet, I’m not being careful. I’m being polite and human to you. I bumped you, child, not the other way around, and if I make you fall down, of course I’m going to ask if you are okay.” Cait shrugged. “I was the one that….” “Nah-uh!” Auntie put her two hands on my shoulders. “Who told you to be right there where you were, little one? Did you just move there, or did I ask you to help me?” “I… I should have moved….” “Cait? That wasn’t the question. Did I tell you to help me, or did you just get in the way because you were being troublesome?” “I… I don’t….” She hugged Cait. “Little lady, Auntie asked for your help, and I was moving like you weren’t there. That was fully Auntie’s fault, okay? You, little lady, were being a big help, and Auntie just wasn’t used to it. You have no blame, and besides, you were the one that was bumped, pet, not Auntie Eiboline. You matter, Cait. If someone jostles you like you don’t belong—in this house? We apologize because you do belong, child.” Cait looked at the floor. “I peed last night.” Eiboline sighed. “Child. That doesn’t give anyone a right to treat you like you don’t belong. People apologize to animals, even, when they step on a tail. It’s only right to make sure a child is okay and to apologize when you knock a child down regardless of reasons. You do matter, here, little one.” “But I did pee,” she whispered. Eiboline whispered more to herself, Cait realized, than to her. “God, help this child! Give me the strength and patience I will need with her. Please!” “I was bad?” Auntie hugged her tight. “You were a ten year old little girl, hon. You were not in the way, you were not doing anything wrong by sleeping, and it is natural for a kid to get dirty, little pet.” Sean came in just as Auntie was explaining. “What’s going on?” he asked looked from Auntie to Cait. “She’s apologizing for being a child again,” Auntie frowned. Chapter Fourteen The Right Spice “Those people,” Sean frowned. He motioned her over, and his boots, his trousers, and his hands were very dirty. Still, he lifted her up and set her in his dirty lap. “Now.” He touched her nose with a dirty finger. “You get this, good, child. You didn’t get me dirty right now. I got you dirty. Yet you still sit in my lap and listen to me, don’t you?” Cait shrugged. “No, Cait, this is nothing to shrug at. Are you listening to me, or not, pet?” “You’re big.” “So the only reason you sit in my lap is I’m big?” Cait looked down. “I… I don’t know.” “You can get down if you want.” “Do I… do I… only, do I have to?” “And that question right there means you are consciously choosing to sit here, little pet. Don’t you see? You want to be here even if I am covered in soil and cow slop. You don’t mind the mess.” “I poop my pants….” “You are a ten year old little girl who doesn’t know the way up right now, pet. But that isn’t even a concern right now. You were clean, Cait. Yet you sat in my lap. You see? And you don’t mind. And if you make a little mess, I will put you in my lap the same as you are sitting in my lap. We both need human contact. You know?” Cait sighed. “I… I know. I’m just not used to it.” Sean patted her butt. “Well, you are going to get used to it, little pet. Your Auntie and I… we are not going to let you suffer in silence, here. It was never right for that to be the expectations. Maybe your parents just feel overwhelmed with all you kids at once, right now? You are only one child and there are two adults here. There is no excuse for us to ignore you, especially if you are dirty, hon.” “And you don’t even care?” “Oh, Cait, don’t you believe for a moment that we don’t care. We care that you feel upset and you feel like deep down, you know something is wrong. We do care, pet. But we are not going to shame you further or terrorize you for something you already beat yourself up for all the time. We are going to make you feel safe, first, and that means doing pants checks for a while, not to hurt your feelings, but to do something about it. To make sure you understand that you don’t need to sit there silently in pee. You don’t deserve that.” Cait hugged him tight, reaching her little arms up and around his neck, getting the shirt on her even more dirty. “I peed in the hallway… on purpose,” she whispered. “I know,” he patted her shoulder. “I saw what happened,” he frowned at her. “Cait? No, I wasn’t awake, and no, I didn’t see it happen, but I saw how you were lying, and the fact you were just in a puddle with no trail. You got scared. No one here is going to shame you for freezing when you pee. Something scares you, and we need to work on that. You shouldn’t be that scared.” “I asked her help, and I bumped her,” Auntie Eiboline. “She acted like it was normal to be bumped around as if she’s the problem, but you know how it’s been for years. I just didn’t expect a small person there, even though I asked her to. I’m kicking myself, but the child, somehow, thinks she’s the problem.” Sean sighed. “Those people!” Sean held her for a few more minutes, patting the child’s back. He stopped talking and just patted her back while Auntie moved the girl’s plate closer to him. “Let her eat in your lap?” Auntie whispered. Uncle looked down at her. “You can turn around and eat, or I can get Auntie to being me a washing bowl so I can clean my hands and feed you. What would you like, pet?” “I can do it.” “He’s not going to drop us,” the ghost whispered. “He… he said it’s okay that you peed on the floor last night, that he knew, and still, he took you to the window like that and didn’t hide you. It’s like… he… he wants the world to know you are here, but he didn’t hold you to the world in wet clothes, either. He held you to the open window right after we were clean. He’s… he’s not going to drop us.” Auntie brought him a washing bowl anyway so he could wash off his hands and face, which he did around the little girl in his lap. He smiled at her as she started to bounce in his lap eating. “Did you do something different to the eggs?” Uncle Sean asked Auntie Eiboline. “Well, Cait did,” she smiled. “I told her she could try one thing to change it up because she always wondered about it. And well, I suppose it worked out.” “What did you add to it?” Sean asked the little one. “I… I just asked if we could add a tiny little bit of sugar,” she whispered. “It was maybe like a teaspoon to two eggs,” Auntie Eboline whispered. “She was shaking the whole time I let her do it, but I’m glad she did. Doesn’t it taste wonderful?” Sean nodded. “I knew they tasted lighter and somehow, just a little bit better.” Cait smiled up at him. “Really?” “Really. Auntie was right to have you help her cook! How did you know? About the sugar?” Cait looked down. I just… well, you put eggs and sugar for cake, you do it for frosting, you do it for all kinds of sweet stuff, so I just thought, it just kind of… goes together?” The adults looked at one another like this was a big reveal to them. “And they say she can’t do math!” Uncle Sean laughed. Cait looked up at him bewildered. It wasn’t math! There were no numbers at all in what she did. She just took a little bit of sugar in her fingers, and she sprinkled it in the eggs before Auntie started to add them to the hot pan to scramble them. They did look a little puffier though, at least to Cait, they did. “Well,” Sean finished breakfast. “The farm waits.” “What about Cait?” Auntie Eiboline asked. “Later, Eiboh. There are things that need to be done to make it safer for her. You know what I mean!” Auntie Eiboline nodded. “Alright. She can help me then today.” Chapter Fifteen Venom in and out of Nature He nodded and he put Cait on the floor on her feet. “Pet? There are a lot of things that people have to get used to around live stock, and I just want to make sure it’s ready for you. Trust me, I’m doing what I feel needs done. I promised your mama and Daddy that we’d look after you, and there are things that ten year old children just don’t understand yet.” “Oh. Okay.” Cait whispered. “You’re in the way,” the ghost told her. “Your fake Uncle is being nice, but he has to do more work because of you. And Auntie was being nice, but you saw how she bumped into you every few minutes. You were always in the wrong place. And what if you have to pee out there? You’ll pee all over inside your pants, and whose fault is that?” “Mine,” Cait sighed to Kookaberry. “I always do it.” Kookaberry didn’t know me that well, yet, so he seemed to be a little bit quiet. I knew that the ghost was right. I would probably pee my pants if not worse. No one should have to change a ten year old baby, but they do when I’m around. I am probably lucky they didn’t have diapers instead of just boy underwears. Cait’s face blushed. “My teacher, Mrs. Evans from fourth grade sent me to the nurse. She thought I should change my pants when it happened.” “So…. Because your fourth grade teacher thought you should change your pants, you think that’s good enough to let you go outside, in public, and use the bathroom all over yourself and then come home and have these people change you again like last night?” The ghost seemed to have its white see-in-to arms cross it’s see-in-to chest, where you can see the other side of it, kind of. “Is Sean family?” The ghost got this devilish grin that Cait frowned at. Cait put her finger to her lips and watched as Sean left the table towards the back door and to the fences with animals. Eiboline watched Sean leave, and then she smiled down at the helpful wide eyed girl with her finger at her lips like she was thinking in that juvenile way that kids often try to mimic adults tapping their chins. “Cait? Shall we go to the well? We need some more drinking water, pet. I’ll show you how to get it, but you are still to never do it by yourself. It’s safer to always take someone with you.” Cait froze for a moment, her finger lingering on her chin. “You… you want me to go out there? Out there walking by you?” She felt a shiver down her spine. “What if a neighbor sees us?” “Why would I care if a neighbor saw us, Cait?” Eiboline frowned at her little cousin. “You’re my cousin. Why shouldn’t I be seen with you?” “You didn’t hear Daddy last night?” Cait shivered again. “I might cause trouble and make your neighbors think you’re bad.” “Cait. Little Lass. Don’t be silly, hon. No one thinks we are bad for looking after our cousin for the summer. And your father… well, he can keep his dark beliefs to himself, pet. You are no trouble.” Cait rubbed her arm while Eiboline led her to the mud room. That’s what Eiboline called it, and she started to get things together for herself and for Cait. “See if these fit,” Auntie Eiboline handed her some rubber boots. “The farm isn’t made for street shoes. These will keep your Sandals a little longer until we can do something about those.” “Do something about them?” “Cait, those Sandals have seen much better days. I don’t mean to keep you in rags while you are here, little lass. You are a person, and you should feel as comfortable as everyone else here.” “Okay,” Cait put a finger to her lips tapping them again. “Do you want yellow or black?” Auntie-grandma gestured at these beach pails, I think they were for. “You can help me carry back enough water for all of us.” “Oh, really? I can help and not even be in the way?” “That’s right, pet.” They walked hand in hand, buckets swinging on the outside of their union of opposing hands. Cait had a wonder in her eye, or was it wander-lust. She was known as a wanderer, and to be fair to Daddy, that was the one thing she would describe about herself and feel happy someone knew. They walked a trail through the grass that led a little further from the other animals. The air was cool out, but Auntie had her in a thick shirt and thick jeans that made the chill nearly non-existent except on her hands, her face, and her ears. There was a smell that was rich and somewhat gagg-i-ly. The grassy trail that started to lead from the house was soft and squishy. Behind them, the dog she had seen the night before, was slowly, in a distance, trailing them. It’s head was low and its tail was low. It stayed far enough away that it wasn’t noticed and shooed. Cait saw the dog and then she looked up at Auntie. “Why doesn’t the dog come in the house?” “Well. It’s just not the place for a dog,” Eiboline answered, but Cait knew that in her little girl heart, she wanted it inside maybe on her bed, even, sleeping by her, but Daddy said to obey. “Where he sleeps?” “She, Cait, sleeps in the barn with the horses most night, but on nicer ones, she sleeps in the old field.” Did Auntie’s voice sound a little quiet with maybe a hint of something not really… excited in her chest when she said the old field? Cait frowned. It sounded like she said it sadly to her. Fences off in the distance from their trail looked sturdy and bold against the sun. Off far enough that it was hard to tell who, but close enough she knew it had to be Uncle Sean because she hadn’t ever seen anyone else in the house was working. There were no other houses. Sean went to do farm work. It had to be him. They walked up to the top of a hill that sort of gave a lay of the land. Cait could see, a little closer to the house, but off the trail a bit, one field they had somehow passed by without her seeing. It looked a little more wild over there, but yet, around the pinned in wild, things were neat and trimmed. What was that place? “It’s a secret,” something deep from within teased. “It’s not your business. Don’t be troublesome.” There was a tree that stood watch over a little cellar like place that Auntie called the well. Cait could see it was full of water, but the water was clear enough, that she saw steps that went down into it, somewhat like storm cellars in Missouri. There was a ladle on the tree, a ladle for cooking, but it was placed on the tree. “Put your bucket down,” Auntie-granny Eiboline whispered. “Take the ladle, little mouse, and scoop up just a little of the water, and taste it. See what you think?” Cait looked up at her and she smiled. Auntie’s hair glowed like an angle in the sun. “Ladle the water up?” she asked. “Yes, pet. We use a ladle and buckets for safety. It’s quite easy to slip and fall in, and with all the stones below, even a strong swimmer in that limited deep space, her head banged, she wouldn’t stand a chance. That’s why you never come out here without me, okay?” Auntie told Cait not to come out there alone, but Daddy did that all the time back home. “Don’t wander,” he’d say. But Auntie didn’t stop at “Don’t wander.” She didn’t even call it that. She told her that the water hole was dangerous, and she didn’t want Cait to fall in it. Daddy never esplained nothing to her like that. Cait was too stupid to have it esplained. “Okay….” Cait ladled the water up, and took a sip. It was cool and something about the taste…. Her eyes popped out, she imagined, because the coldness and the taste, like water really had a taste beyond just being wet and comforting to her thirst. “Is that Uncle Sean?” she asked her Auntie as she ladled a second time to her mouth. He had two large powerful horned beasts on leads of rope, and he was taking from further out on the property, moving them closer to the house. Not right next to it, for sure, but still, much closer than they had been. Cait knew one thing. If you didn’t want to be a bad man breaking in a house with a dog, she imagined breaking in the fence with that powerful thing would be a lot worse. Cait sipped at the water, but Eiboline let silence fill the moment instead of answering her. There was a hint of the taste of this water in last night’s lemonade. She could taste it. It wasn’t salt exactly in the water. That would be too easy to esplain. It was something else that she had no word for. It wasn’t spice that’s in the kitchen for sure. Cait had put the ladle back, and Auntie was putting water in Cait’s bucket when she finally gave her an answer to Uncle Sean’s actions. “Sean is moving a few of the bulls closer to the paths he wants you to stay on when you’re outside,” Eiboline finally answered, a small smile on her lips. “Why would he do that? Won’t the bulls try to break the fence and hit me if I’m wearing red?” Eiboline smiled. “Cartoons exaggerate, Cait.” “Ecs-aja-rate?” Cait asked. “Well, they tell a truth, but in a way that makes it seem like a lie or like it’s over doing something that could happen, but isn’t every day. And most cartoons, they are usually careful to show in context that the bull is being teased. You really shouldn’t tease any animal. Even a cat can become mean if you tease it until it hates you.” “Oh.” Eiboline put a hand on her shoulder. “Those bulls he’s actually moving right now, they are better than a watch dog when it comes to warnings. They don’t bark, or as cows do, moo at just anything that moves.” “Not all dogs bark at just anything,” Cait defended dogs because she thought they were good animals to have in a house. Her face brightened. “Grainne had this one friend, she had the meanest type of dog you can get, only Tubby wasn’t mean at all. He was all licky and rolly when you meet him. I only saw him once, but he gave Pit Bull as a terra-gorizing dog, a bad name.” Auntie smiled. “Well, maybe not all dogs do bark all the time. But Bulls…, they don’t get excited unless they actually feel threatened. Sean is moving them to spot snakes for us.” “Snakes?” Cait looked up at her. “There are snakes out here?” Her eyes glanced at the ground. She felt a little warmth and wetness in her underwears. “There are, Cait. That’s why you need to be careful, and you need an adult with you if you go beyond the areas we tell you not to go alone.” “So…. He’s making the cows protect me?” “He’s moving them to raise the alarm, Cait. You don’t go near them. They are still dangerous animals, and you don’t go in their fences until your uncle says you’re ready.” “If bulls are so dangerous, why people keep them against their will? And how come Uncle Sean is making two walk on leashes?” “They are like anything else, Cait. If you understand it, then most things in life are not dangerous. But a lot of people don’t understand things, and that’s when they get hurt. And I would never go near a bear my self, but case in point, park rangers take care of bears over in Yellowstone.” “Where Yellowstone?” “It’s nowhere near us, Cait. You never even heard of it?” Cait frowned. “Well, I’m stupid, you know. Daddy says I don’t know a lot of stuff other kids know.” Auntie frowned. “If you’ve never heard of a place, Cait, that’s not being stupid. It means no one has ever brought it up to you. That’s all.” Cait shook her head. She knew she was stupid. Daddy said so. The school said so. Everyone said so. Auntie just don’t know her too well, yet. “Well, the bulls? They don’t exactly protect you?” Cait asked. “Well, they will be close enough along that if you hear them stirring, you stop and you look. The bulls will not be looking at you. They will be watching where they think the danger is. If you see a snake, you stay where you are until help comes. You don’t move. Not one inch.” “What if I pee my pants?” “Then you pee your pants, child. Even Auntie Eiboline pees her pants if its a choice between being bit by a snake and getting to the toilet in time. We are kind of far out, and some snakes have fast acting venom.” “Ve-um?” “Yes, Cait, venom. A dangerous thing that’s like poison, but it comes from an animal.” “Okay. So big scary cow stomps, and I stop and look, and wait and what if I’m better at not peeing and still want to go really bad? I still pee my pants then?” “That’s right, Cait, if you can’t wait. But you try not to adjust or let it all go at once. You try to freeze and not let it come out too fast. The sound, the heat, a few things could set the snake off if it’s too fast. You pee slowly, if you pee your pants.” “Oh?” “Well, anyway, the stomping bulls and this close in, Snakes should be distracted and detoured further out by other things Uncle has already out there. The bulls are just in case, not something you’ll see or worry about every day. Listen to the farm. It will tell you when things are at peace and when it’s scared just like you will eventually learn to understand when things happen because you are scared and then you’ll start to learn to control that, too.” Aunt Eiboline bent down and filled her pail. The warmth of the sun was gentle against Cait making the sweating nearly unnoticeable though there were now wet marks at necks, arm pits, and other places both on Cait and on Auntie Eiboline. Birds soared across the sky. Sounds of things that hid in the grass not dangerous sounds that spooked the other animals, but sounds that sounded like little insect people chattering to Cait. Were the ants telling the beetles that humans were near the well? Were spiders twirling their little mustaches as they waited for flies and other things to hit their traps? The sounds of chirping and clicking sped up so fast it was hard to understand one over another filled the air. “Nature is loud,” Cait told Eiboline. Chapter Sixteen The pre-discovers of Cait “Nature is loud,” Auntie Eiboline observed with a deep breath. “It’s loud when it feels free to express itself. It’s safe. It’s able to throw back its head and call out to those around to tell them they are there. That’s how you know it’s safe.” Cait looked up at Auntie Eiboline with a small interested smile on her lips and her left ear pitched up at her like she was as important as Mrs. Evans, and maybe she knew as much. “When animals hold their breath, all movement stops, and you cannot hear a single insect or bird, you know, the animals can feel there is something unsafe. Even before a bull will lift its hooves to beat a snake’s head it, it will have paused several seconds before that to identify where it was, and in that time, the whole farm will quiet layer by layer until either the danger passes, or it is dealt with, and they know whether to run or not.” Cait frowned and looked down at her hands and her quiet little jeans that she wore. “I must be strange to the animals then. They must think I’m confusing?” Cait’s questioning eyes looked up into her Auntie’s wise face lined with the years of living as a farmer’s wife. Auntie shook her head. “No one knows what animals really thinks of humans, but we know that they know some humans are safe and some are not.” Cait frowned. “How do they know?” “It’s just nature, Cait. When someone tells you there is a absolute scientific way to know everything about nature, they are as wrong as they are if they tell you they know everything about God. But I do know that dog behind us….” Cait looked back and saw the following light brown nearly yellow coated dog that was there last night when the car parked and Cait got out was the very same that now trailed them with his head low and its tail between its legs. She looked from the dog to Auntie. “You knew it was there?” “Aye, Lass. I knew it. Shadow. That’s it’s name. She’d been watching you all morning since we started for the well. She likes you, lass.” Cait looked back at the dog and sighed. Shadow? That sounds unfair, as unfair as Daddy calling our old beat up car something strong like Ford. I’m the shadow, the one always in the way. If the world were more kind, the dog would have the name Cait, and I’d be Shadow. Cait looked up at Auntie Eiboline, that grandmotherly-Aunt, and she smiled. Then, waiting a moment before making sure she wasn’t getting in her aunt’s way of doing things, she squatted down feeling a little bit of her pre-pee in her underwear. “Shadow. It’s an unfair name, isn’t it?” “Don’t you know anything?” the trans-in-de-bisible thingy whispered at her. No one would see the creature but Cait. “They don’t name animals like they do people. And the car… I don’t think Daddy made up that name for the car. I think it’s always had that name.” Cait tried to see past the taunting thing in her head and to clearly see the dog for who she was. “What do you know, girl? Do you know why you sleep outside?” The dog got down low. She whined a little and seemed to crawl just a little, and then stopped, looking up at Auntie. Auntie wasn’t chasing the dog. She didn’t tell the dog to leave or “git” as adults often do with animals they don’t like. She just stood there, staring at the dog, her mouth not really happy, but not mean. Cait looked up at her. “How come you feed her if you don’t like her?” “Cait. I don’t have her. I just have a complicated history with her. She understands more than you will ever know, but I can’t talk about that right now. Come, up you come. Let’s go to the house.” Cait sighed. “Do you think Shadow likes you?” “She saved me twice, last year, from walking into a great rattler. If she doesn’t like me, she certainly has no malice towards me.” “What means Mal-ass?” Auntie Eiboline squatted down and put a hand on her back. “When someone has malice towards something, it means they would like something bad to happen, something to hurt them. Shadow doesn’t want that for me. I don’t want that for her. So, I suppose we still take care of each other even after all these years. You know she’s going on fourteen years.” “Is that old for a dog?” “Well, she’s no spring chick, but she still moves like she can get around, doesn’t she?” Cait stood up and sighed. “She seems really nice if she helps you even if you keep her outside all the time. If she did something bad, maybe I should sleep with her in the barn. I wouldn’t wet your bed at night if I slept there.” Auntie Eiboline frowned. She didn’t explain. She just frowned, and her touch was still gentle, but she started to guide the child back over the hill where Cait had seen the lay of the land before. The wind in the trees. The slow moving clouds. The rising sun still climbing the morning steps in the sky. The scene overlooked two fingers on the hill that were slowly carrying pails, the taller one with a heavier, larger, tin one, and the small figure carrying a plastic smaller one—one that scaled to her height. In the distance, we heard hammering of nails into wood echoing through the farm. The bleating of sheep, the slow movement of large cows in the field feeding, and the clucks of chickens. Horses were quietly relaxing in a different field from the cows. The sheep though heard, couldn’t be seen from the little hill that Cait stood on. Maybe the sheep weren’t in the farm itself. Maybe they were on someone else’s farm. A bird flew over Cait and the scene dropped back down on them as they walked down the hill, and Cait realized that they were approaching something of a strange sort to her. It was like there was this one little space, she could see it from the top of the hill, but she couldn’t clearly make it out here, but knew it was closer as they approached the house. There was this fenced in spot, this place, where the grass seemed to grow wild like a boy’s hair that wasn’t trimmed in the summer before the start of school. It was long and wild, but it was fenced in? It was inside a fence where everything else was nice and trimmed around it. She wondered. Why? Chapter Seventeen Pickles ... “Come on, Cait,” Auntie whispered to her. “It’s time to go in and start cleaning up the place. Then we can start learning how to pickle. Would you like that?” Cait looked up at Auntie Eiboline. She was definitely not yet smiling like last night or this morning, but she wasn’t mad. She was… maybe… sad. There didn’t seem to be a reason for it, except maybe Cait did something, maybe. But the thing Auntie’s face told Cait was that she felt something strong and sad right then. She had seen the dog and was still explaining life in that neutral way that you rest without being excited, but feeling good, and yet, when Cait talked to the dog, and she paused and looked out towards the wild field that was closed in, that’s when she saw it. Auntie looked less neutral and more emo-shn-l. She was sad. Cait grabbed her hand, and she squeezed it, though she didn’t really know how to make her Auntie happy again. She didn’t even understand what she did wrong. They started to wander away from the where Cait could see the wild field, the same one that when Sean and Eiboline looked, they saw a cross, though now, buried in the deep grass, Cait couldn’t see. Cait didn’t understand why Auntie was so quiet so suddenly. She wasn’t exactly mad, and she wasn’t crying, but something was different. Something she felt in her bones she wanted to fix. “You?” the taunting ghost whispered in her ear. “You fix your Auntie when you can’t even not pee your pants? You feel that, right?” Cait nodded to herself. She felt it. She had some pre-pee in her underwears. It was more than enough that she knew she needed the toilet, but not seeing one, there was no point telling Auntie. Auntie would just sigh at her because she’d assume Cait was peeing her pants if Cait said something right now. That’s what Daddy always did, and even mama thought it even when Cait was at the table doing homework. “Cait,” her mom would sigh. “You’re already peeing if you’re telling me. Just do your homework. Grainne will change you in a few minutes.” Behind them, Shadow got up and walked behind them, far enough, that should Cait have been that far back, if she was able to do it without disrespecting her Aunt’s wishes for her to be next to her, it would far enough back to not cause trouble. The screen door of the house seemed to slam on them as they entered what Auntie and Uncle called the mud room. It was where she took off the borrowed plastic farm boots that were just a little bigger than her feet, and it was where Auntie helped Cait remove her light jacket she had on her for the morning breeze because it was still early. As Cait got out of the jacket, she saw Shadow at the screen door, and then she looked up with tightness in her chest and a pulling at her eyes like she gets when she wants to cry—looking at Auntie, but Auntie had a soft frown on her face. “Shadow wouldn’t come in even if you left the door open. Go on, open it. You’ll see.” Cait looked up at her as she felt the familiar warm wet feeling in her underpants grow a little bit. She shivered a little and the ghost in her head whispered. “You’re gonna wet your pants, you know. I bet Auntie knows. I bet she checks you in a minute.” Cait sighed and looked at Aunties’ hand holding it to her chest, hugging it. “Can I…?” she whispered. “Can you what, pet?” Auntie asked. “I told you that you could open the door if you want.” “I mean, can I go upstairs? Please?” “You most certainly may, pet. This is your home, too, for the summer.” Cait nodded as she felt herself do a little more pre-pee. “I’ll be… be right back, okay?” “Take your time, pet. No rush.” Cait exaggeratedly put her hands out to the side and walked like she had seen princesses do on television cartoons, trying to seem like she wasn’t in a hurry though her pre-pees were getting desperate and close to real pees. The kitchen through the mudroom, around the table, as quiet and reserved as she could force her shaking legs be, she got into the side hall that went to the main front door, and she glanced back at the doorway. “Think she’s watching us?” the ghost’s voice whispered making Cait make one more glace at the doorway before she gave up on pretending to be a lady and ran up the stairs as fast as her feet could take her. “She knows you ran up the stairs,” the ghost whispered as Cait closed the door. “Bet she checks your underwears.” Cait yanked her pants down and sat on the toilet as fast as she could, and then felt a rush of fluid pour into the toilet under her. “You’re wet,” the ghost told her. Inspecting her pants, they were dry, except the underwear. “I didn’t pee,” Cait told the ghost. My jeans aren’t wet.” “Feel your underwears,” the ghost taunted her. They were really wet when she felt them, but there wasn’t much she could do about it. As she inspected them though, she realized she pre-peed a little more than she usually did, and some reason, these boy underpants seemed to hold her pre-pee better. It stayed pre-pee longer somehow. Maybe it was a good thing they accidentally put her in boy underpants? “You think that these boy underpants gives you the right to pre-pee more in them? You wait until Auntie finds out how much you pre-peed! I bet you she calls it peeing your pants!” Cait sighed and after she tinkled, she stood up pulling up her pre-pee underwear like she always did before she pulled up her jeans and then washed her hands. Auntie was in the kitchen peeling and washing onions, cucumbers, and radishes. “Are you alright, pet?” Auntie Eiboline asked. “That’s Auntie talk for let me see your underpants, girl,” the ghost whispered. “I didn’t pee my pants,” Cait whimpered. “I never said you did, sweetheart. I just asked if you were okay. You looked scared when you left the kitchen.” Cait decided to skip the rest of the way over to see what Auntie was doing. If she didn’t think about it, or say anything, then maybe Auntie wouldn’t check. Maybe even if the ghost was right about Auntie calling it peeing in her pants, if she didn’t look, then Cait wouldn’t look stupid. It wasn’t an impulsive act, one that she didn’t know she’d do. She decided. Maybe if she came full of curiosity, maybe Auntie would look happy and maybe Auntie wouldn’t suddenly check her pants to see if she went like she was supposed to. “I’m about to start making some pickles. Would you like to help?” “I won’t be in the way?” Cait looked up at her; A strong sense that this woman was worth listening to and that she wanted to still be next to her; given all of her failures all night and all morning; sent a kind of excitement through her body knowing that she had just barely made it to the bathroom, and Auntie would still let her work there next to her, and not even check and see if she was being bad. “Don’t make me laugh,” she imagined her mom saying, though she had never really asked her mom to help and her mom didn’t ask her to… so there was no way to know for sure, but she imagined. “You’d just pee your pants while we were making pies, then we’d have to throw them out because you’d get the pies dirty with your filth,” Cait imagined. “Sweetheart, if you are in the way, It’s just because I’m still getting used to you being here. It is nothing to do with you. If my friends were helping in the kitchen it would feel the same, in some ways, but with you, if actually feels more special.” “It does?” Cait’s heart tightened and then relaxed in a way that asked. Is this real? “Did you hear her?” she questioned the ghost. “She said it feels more special, and she’s not faking it. Explain!” The ghost didn’t answer and it didn’t just-appeared either. It was fully absent as though there were no answer for this. “First, we chop the onions. I don’t suppose you’d ever handled a knife before?” Auntie asked. “Well, I’m not very smart, and Mama says she doesn’t want me to cut my fingers, so she’s not going to teach me that until… I grow up a little bit.” “Be honest,” the ghost whispered to her. “Tell her the truth. Mama isn’t going to teach you until you stop peeing your pants at school.” “Well, ten years old is well grown enough to use a knife with supervision,” Auntie told Cait. But you need to do exactly what Auntie says. Can you handle that?” Cait nodded fully willing to do what her Auntie asked. “I can. I promise. If I don’t have to… um read or something.” “No, pet, there is no reading or math involved. You just need to watch your fingers. So tuck those little fingertips in towards the back of your hand and rest the nails on the counter. Use the back of the knuckles to guide the knife….” As she was instructing, she was showing Cait with her own hand. “Always keep the sharp end pointed away from your body at all times, and don’t point it at other people, either. Never point it where it can accidentally hit someone. Pointing it at the counter or at the floor is usually the safest place to aim it when you carry it.” “Like this?” I picked up the knife she laid out for me, and held it at my side with the point to the floor. “Yes, that’s good, but put move your hands a little further from your body. If the knife drops, you don’t want it to drop on your foot.” “Like this?” Auntie might have spent a good half an hour teaching Cait how to handle the knife before she even let her cut into any cucumber or onion. But by the middle of the scene, we can see both Auntie and Cait wiping carefully at the corners of their eyes as the onion’s fumes caused Cait’s eyes to sting and tears to come sliding to the front… painful stinging tears. “It’s Sunday, right?” Cait said while they were cutting up cucumbers together. “Do you ever go to church?” “We do, Cait, but this morning is just so full of expectations. Your uncle and I talked it over last night, and we reasoned that God is important; but God always says that human contact is more important, than looking good. You need some space to breathe today, but we’ll go next week.” “Daddy says church is the only way you get forgiven, and because I always get in people’s way, I need to always go to church to make God happy. “Cait? I don’t think God counts how often you go to church. A lot of people go, but they do bad things.” “Oh,” Cait looked down. “I am always in trouble, right?” But this time, she wasn’t speaking aloud. And these words were not meant for the ghost, but that didn’t stop it appearing. “You don’t really expect God to answer, do you?” Cait shrugged at the ghost. “I don’t know where you get the idea that God keeps a log,” Auntie frowned. “Sure, he doesn’t want us to just be terrible beings to each other and other life, but I don’t think he ticks church goings and little things that hurt us more than it hurts others. He wouldn’t have sent his son to help us, if he was a cruel master like that.” Cait looked up at her. She took a sharp breath, but nodded not really getting it, but knowing you don’t stop people when they talk about God. Auntie looked sincerely as she talked about God, almost as if she was as meaningful in teaching the Bible as a preacher at church. “And some of that, you talk about…. It’s not mistakes to learn. Me, Cait, me… bumping into you was me relearning space with a new person here. You didn’t bump me.” “I got in your way at the sink and then at the fridge, though?” Cait remembered how people at school stepped on her feet, bumped her hard going into small doorways, and nearly pushed her down sometimes telling her to stop gettingin the way. “No, sweetheart. You were moving from one place to another trying to get out of Auntie’s way. I saw it. Like I said, I’m just not used to you being in there is all. We’ll both learn, and it’s not being bad trying to help.” Cait nodded and looked down. She did try to get out of the way. She just chose the wrong way to move, but that’s it, isn’t it? Her parents always saying she’s too dumb to know what to do. “Our slow walk was you learning about farm life. It was important. It didn’t bother me. I rather enjoyed teaching you how the world out here works.” “Why you enjoy it?” Cait looked up at her with true wonder that someone could love teaching someone as stupid as she. “It’s like trying to beat a horse that won’t drink the water, doesn’t it?” Auntie smiled. “No, Cait. You are curious, and that’s the most important thing to show you are ready to learn. I loved teaching you because you really wanted to know. You are so smart, Cait.” And the way Auntie head bobbed and moved in a way like she was really excited by it—Cait knew she must believe it. If only she, Cait, could. “And almost wetting your pants… well, you are a ten year old kid that’s going through some hard stuff right now.” “Huh?” Cait put her finger by her lips thinking. “What I mean, is you are just a kid learning how to manage yourself, and in a situation where; honestly, I’m going to talk to my cousin about the lessons you are learning because no kid should feel that scared about peeing on the floor sometimes. Embarrassed at ten years old and doing it, that’s natural. Scared…. That’s not.” Cait looked up at her. “Mama didn’t do nothing wrong though.” Auntie sighed. “Well, I said I’d talk with her, little one. Maybe I shouldn’t have told you. That’s between adults. But here, you don’t need to be scared about being wet. You just need to find help until you feel better about yourself.” Chapter Eighteen ...And the Anvil of Fear “How come embarrassing is different than scared?” Cait looked up at Auntie. “Does it mean you did something bad, still?” “The difference, pet, is that if you are just embarrassed, you can learn how to fix it. If you are scared, you don’t know what to do, so you just freeze until it happens again. It takes away from you the ability to stop it happening to you, and makes you always have to live through it every time because you never learn how to prevent or clean it up on your own when you can’t prevent it.” Cait shook her head. “Okay, let’s look at it this way. Do you want to write on a book I really like?” “No?” “And if you did, would you know how to fix it or how not to do it the next time, or would you still do it next time not knowing that you did something you don’t need to do?” “Well, you can’t write in books already writed in anyway, so it easy. Just not do it.” “And if a tornado came through today, could you do something to stop the tornado?” “No.” “So what do you do?” “Hide.” “See? If you wrote in the book, and you knew not to, then you’d be embarrassed that you did it, and probably had a good reason, but you’d be sorry. But in the tornado case, there is nothing to do, so you hide because you are scared. That’s the difference. You shouldn’t feel like you have to hide if you pee your pants. You should just try to learn how to fix it, and until you can control it, maybe learn to clean it up.” “How do I do that?” Auntie put the jars of pickles in their resting place to start working. Then she picked me up and tapped my nose. “You want to learn how to clean up a little pee pee mess, sweetheart?” “Will… will it make me less scared?” “I don’t know, but we won’t know until we try. What it does do, though, is give you agency so you don’t have to feel like you have no control when things get too hard on your body.” “Okay.” Auntie took me to the stain in front of the bathroom, the pee stain all over the carpet. “Just wait a moment, sweetheart. And remember, it’s okay that the stain is there. I’m just teaching you what you can do about it, if you don’t like it there.” Cait waited, her breath held in her chest making her heart tighten. Auntie didn’t come back with the belt though. She came back with a brush and some powder and some water. “Now, what you do, is you start with a damp cloth and you pat the stained area to get it ready. The water helps loosen the stain from the fabric, but it won’t go anywhere if we don’t clean at it….” Cait watched carefully while Auntie started to clean the stain. She brushed a small portion of it with the brush and cleaning powder several times and the more she went over it, the lighter the stain got and the more true color of the carpet that showed. “Would you like to try, pet?” “Okay.” As I started to scrub the stain and it started to lighten it, I started to feel something… a lifting in my head. A lifting in my body. A lifting like this huge cartoony anvil wasn’t sitting on my head hurting it. It was… making it easier to breathe. I scrubbed at more of it, liking the feeling. I wasn’t even thinking about the work I was putting in, but more, the lightening of the shame, the colors being even better than my dingy panties at home. “I’m doing it!” I squealed. Auntie Eiboline rested there and watched me until I handed her back the brush. “How do you feel? Scared?” I shook my head. “It’s like… I only almost didn’t make it… it’s… it feels clean and new and like nothing even happened.” She smiled. “That’s the difference of embarrassment and fear. Now, you get rid of the stain, you have nothing weighing you down, and next time you feel that heavy weight, you can clean it up, and feel the embarrassment slowly lift, and you can do something about it.” “Can I have some powder for when I do it next time?” Cait whispered. “I’ll put some in the bedroom for you, where you can get to it, but it won’t be in your way when you play.” “Play?” “Don’t you play at home?” “Outside. In the yard. I watch clouds, and chase my sisters. But there’s no one to chase here, and you can’t chase them in the bedroom.” “So, you’ve never really had an inside toy before?” Cait shrugged. “You sit on the bed, sweetie. Give Auntie a moment. There is one rule about the toys I’d really appreciate you not bothering with.” “Yeah?” “The only toys you are not to touch, are the ones on the dresser. Is that okay? I mean, if you find something fallen over and just fix it, that’s okay. But I want the scene just as he left it?” “Who left it?” Auntie smiled and turned to the wardrobe without an answer. She wasn’t ready to tell Cait, and Cait didn’t push. What she did bring over first, was this big box with a stuffed bear’s leg sticking out from the top flaps. “Let’s see what’s inside here.” Cait saw her pull out the bear. It was like half her size, almost. It was big and soft and when Auntie put it against her, she hugged it and then sneezed. “Oh, I’m sorry. I should have realized it would have dust on it.” Cait didn’t let go though. “What’s it’s name?” “Well, most kids name the toys they are given.” “But…. Should you give it me?” Cait asked. “It was… his… right?” she pointed at the dresser. “Cait, sweetheart, this bear wouldn’t do him any good right now. It was a very comforting toy for him when he most needed a friend. Now he doesn’t need it as much, he’d probably be happy it had found a new use, and it could make someone else feel the comfort he needed when he needed it.” Cait looked down. “Really?” “Do you like the bear?” “I love it!” Chapter Nineteen Kookaburra “I can name the bear anything I want?” Cait looked up at the lady. “Even though someone named it already?” “Yes, child. That’s what children do with toys. They rename them when the toy becomes theirs. This Bear is now ready to help you, not anyone but you, until you don’t want and need it anymore, then it might go to another child that needs its tenderness.” “Can I even call it Kookaberry?” Eiboline chuckled and smiled. She was looking through the box. “Where’d you get a name like that, sweetheart?” “It’s a song I learned last year. Kookaburra sitting in the old gum tree…” She sang the first phrase of the song. It’s kind of a happy song. Kookaburra makes you happy so I want my bear to be a name that makes me happy.” “That sounds like a perfect name for the old helpful bear, then. Do you see the bear as a he or a her?” “I think he,” Cait whispered. “The room, the clothes, the stuff that was here when the bear was here first, it’s all boy stuff. The bear must be a boy.” Eiboline didn’t answer. She seemed to take a while to rummage in the big box as if there were too many things in there for her to decide what to pull out next. When she did pull something out, it was a few of the blocks near the bottom that she then had to reach around for and eventually get them all. They were those old fashion kind that were just wooden three dimensional shapes, but kids would use to make structures with. Cait carefully sat Kookaberry on the bed and whispered to it. “You sit and watch, okay? There’s a ghost here somewhere. Tell me if you see her. You’ll know her because she comes all raggy and she has this skirt on that has all pee stains, and she looks really sad but she’s also always got something mean—true—but mean to say.” Cait smiled as the bear seemed to smile at her as if it was agreeing to tell her. Cait looked from Kookaberry to Auntie Eiboline. “What if I get pee on the Kookaberry? I probably can’t sleep with it.” “Child, the bear will be up by your pillow. You will be holding it, probably in the same elbow you sometimes suck your thumb with. If I come and check on you and it’s not there, that’s where I’d put it. He should be safe from getting peed on, sweetheart. Besides, he’s on your side. If uncle Sean doesn’t mind, Kookaburra won’t either.” “He’s not Kookaburra,” Cait whispered because contradicting adults is a bad idea. “I mean. Sorry. I didn’t mean it like that. It’s just it’s Kooka-BERRY,” and though she paused to say the berry part, it was probably softer than the kooka part. “I’m sorry, pet. I misheard its name the first time. I’ll try to remember.” She didn’t tell me I was wrong? Cait looked up at her confused. She’s not mad I got a little bit mad that it didn’t get it name said right? Auntie Eiboline didn’t even tell me it just a thing not real. She… she is different. The ghost wasn’t there. The bear didn’t know her very well. There were no against her remarks when she said that Auntie Eiboline was different. She put the bear carefully on the pillow before moving to the floor to see what the nice grandma-aunt was now putting out for her. “Those are real blocks,” Cait whispered. “Not books and boxes, and other things you find around to make something… but real blocks. I couldn’t play these outside. They too small and too nice.” “These are inside toys, Cait, remember? Do you take books outside to play with?” Cait looked down. “I get in trouble when I get caught.” Auntie smiled down at her. “Well, that is as it should be I suppose. Books are not outside toys, Cait. But given your limited experiences, I can see why you did what you did. Please don’t take books outside with you in this house unless you mean to try to read them. Lots of people read outside, and that’s okay.” Cait looked up at her. “I don’t read good. I not doing no school work in the summer, but if Auntie tells me to—I try.” Auntie sighed sadly. Shaking her head she pulled through the box again, this time pulling out a speak-n-spell toy. “I don’t know if you’d want this one, then,” the Auntie frowned. “This toy helps kids spell, but it can only help if you want to use it.” “Auntie is tricky….” I heard a soft whispering voice of the ghost, but it was quickly cut off with a short snap of the Bear biting at word until it was broken up. “Auntie (bite bite) is (chomp) tri...(bite bite chomp).” The eeriness that was supposed to float through the hair hit something like a small boat in rough crashing waves around it. It sounded more comical than it should have, and Cait seemed to giggle at nothing. Cait considered the bear for a minute. She thought about how Sean’s shoulders were strong enough hold back things that Auntie Eiboline didn’t want to handle, and she thought about the bear biting at the ghost’s words. It didn’t bother or touch the ghost itself, but it broke the words up. Uncle Sean, he didn’t attack Daddy, really, but he called him off when it was dinner time yesterday. Both Auntie and Uncle tag team told Daddy to let Cait eat. She was even quietly wetting a little bit at the table, and came and sat in more pee than she thought at first as she ate, but they kept pulling him towards what they wanted to know at the moment and away from him telling them all her troubles and faults while she listened. The Bear. It didn’t hurt the ghost just like Uncle didn’t hurt daddy. But Uncle didn’t let daddy talk when it was too harsh, and the bear didn’t let the ghost’s mean words in. Maybe the boy loved Uncle because maybe Uncle protected the boy, too. Maybe Kookaberry learned to protect by watching Uncle Sean? “Well,” Eiboline seemed to see how Cait shivered or something and how her mouth wanted to say no, no, no to the speak-n-spell. “We can put that toy up for a little longer. Maybe it will come in useful next year or something when you into fifth grade and need a little more help, then.” Cait breathed. Did the Bear just change Auntie’s mind, too? The toy was repacked, and Auntie brought out some toy cars. “I know they aren’t typical girl toys, but I’m sorry we only have boy….” Cait hadn’t even heard Auntie’s apologies at all. She ran right to the orange plastic van with detailed seats of white inside it. She pushed it back and forth on the floor testing it, and it still rolled. “It’s Kookaberry’s motor bike,” Cait said taking it to the bear. “Auntie found your favorite bike that has little van like sitting for the little things you protect, too.” I don’t know when Auntie stopped pulling things out of the box. In my logical mind, I knew exactly where I’d put the stuffed bear, under my pillow, but in my world, I build a little block city around the floor space between my wardrobe and the open door in front of my bed. Kookaberry had shrunk to the size of the people that would live in the block houses, and I put a block on the top of the van… a siren. Kookaberry was the Ajax of the police. He arrested even the police that did bad things so no one can make up rules that were not fair and then take you to jail for no good reason. Chapter Twenty Even Among the Cards Cait is alone. The city is built. The van is patrolling with the single block on top as the siren. The siren is flashing yellow. Not red. Red and blue are scary. They mean you’re in trouble. It’s yellow. It’s the Ajax of the town not arresting someone for an unfair rule that was broken. It’s going out of town. It leaves the blocks completely and stops at the base of the dresser. “Cait! No!” The ghost warns the girl. “You can’t touch. You promised. She’ll get mad!” “I’m not touching,” Cait frowned. “I’m not.” She was speaking in whispers, that Kookaberry could hear, that any other person that may have been in the room could hear, but it didn’t carry off to wherever Aunie went to let her play. The small orange plastic van was parked at the base of the dresser. The toy blocks were on the other side of the bed far from the boundary set for the town. Was the bear telling another place what to do, and he can’t because it’s not his town? Cait shrugged. “If Sean had been in our farm when Daddy told me to lie on purpose in my matt and pee in it, and he told him no, maybe I wouldn’t have an orange stained mat at home to sleep in.” She felt her face contort from light play to a serious frown of realization. “I needed Sean to tell me to just get up from the mat. It wouldn’t solve anything, but it would mean a dry place to sleep at night and less stinkiness at school. Pee by the door instead of pee in the bed. That’s better, right?” Kookaberry nodded at the ghost. The ghost shrugged. “Don’t touch the dresser,” the ghost told Cait. “I won’t.” Mommy horse told Kookaberry on the dog and on the other things in charge. Mommy horse is Auntie, taking care of a poor orphan that its mother can’t be found now. That’s why everyone can pick on the cult, but the mommy horse doesn’t like it. She tells Kookaberry. “It may not be my concern, but I can’t help it. That little feelie? Is that what a little horse called? Well, that what is in this world.” And Cait continued. “Kookaberry? They don’t let her go to the toilet. They say she’s too weak. They say she’s too stupid. They say she makes it messy for the others, and they get mad when she wets on the ground. I can’t go against the kind of the farm!” Kookaberry nods. “That’s why the Ajax of the land is. That is my job. I trump every King. You see it in the deck of cards, don’t you? The King should be the top, and the A is the lowest Card, but then the A jumps on the King, and the King can’t fight. The A always wins.” The mama horse nodded. “You will take care of the Kalt from now on.” Cait spells Colt as Kalt. “You are its mommy unless we find her later.” Mama horse nods her whole front at the King. “Cait! You touched!” the ghost startled her and she saw indeed, her hands had the mama horse tilting at the air. Cait quickly put the horse back and ran back to the town with her van and her bear knocking over a few blocks as she did so. She didn’t mean to! “You put the toy back,” the ghost whispered. “It’s our secret like the pre-pees. No one knows.” “Kookaberry knows.” “He’s not gonna tell, though. He knows you were just being Cait. That’s why Daddy says you’re stupid though. It wasn’t Kookaberry’s place to tell the mama horse anything, and he still didn’t talk to the dog, yet. Mama horse will get in trouble if Kookaberry doesn’t pay the dog a visit later. But you can’t touch. You just tell and then you leave it.” Cait nodded though she wasn’t even sure the moment her hands had touched the toy horse. She had been watching the baby horse for a long while though, and she had see it and the way it was separated from it’s now Eiboline Auntie, so it must be in the right place. “Don’t think about it, Cait. If you think too much, you’ll move it wrong. If it gets too far from where it should be, they will know you broke the rule.” “Cait,” the bear muscled in and pushed the ghost not out, but to the side. “If I may be of help here. The boy had his moments like these. I can tell you what helped the boy most.” “We can’t trust you yet, Kooka….” Cait closed her eyes on the ghost fully sending it away. “You don’t to get to talk to Kookaberry like that. I trust him,” she whispered into the quiet that didn’t answer back. The bear became quiet, too, and now, Cait had to guess at what the bear was going to say. “Stupid ghost!” “Cait?!” Cait heard her name and her mind flashed back to some days before where she had been the wanderer again. “Cait!” screams echoed around the lands that daddy managed, but Cait was lying on her back, looking up at the clouds, and didn’t seem to hear maybe the first dozen shouts for her. “Cait! I’m warning you!” Her big sister, Grainne, though she herself would never do anything to Cait, Cait knew what the warning was. Daddy will know. She wasn’t supposed to be unfindable. Cait grabbed the bear from the bed and held it out in front of her as a shield, still wondering what he wanted to tell her about. Auntie’s shouts never said “I’m warning you,” and Cait knew she called up at her at least twice that she heard. She got to the bottom stair. She had pre-pee in her thick boy underpants that no one looked for yet. She looked at her feet, not because of the pre-pee. That was still not visible or a rule she had broken. She felt heavy though in her heart. She knew that she did something. Auntie reached her hands out, and Cait shivered wondering if she already knew about the dresser, but she just pushed Cait’s hair back around her ears and back, like she did when she first met her the day before at the car. “Are you okay, pet?” Auntie was asking if she was okay? Her Heart felt like it had ice stabbed into it. The ice felt sharp, cold, evil. Cait had disturbed something private, maybe even Auntie’s pre-pee, but Auntie was worried about her. She shivered. “Okay…,” she shook as the word sounded like it bounced around in the air. “Cait, if you had an accident, you know you don’t need to hide it,” Auntie Eboline frowned. “Tell me, what’s wrong, sweetheart?” “I…” Cait’s tongue felt heavy. It was an anvil in her mouth. Her lips moved, but the tongue didn’t, and the air was nearly missing that came out. She couldn’t. “Auntie can check your underwear, if that’s easier, kiddo. It’s okay.” Cait shook her head. A quiet nearly mouthed whisper touching the air and nothing more than that seemed to be more just-a-minded thing than spoken. “It’s not pee.” The Bear seemed to move up in front of Cait’s mouth, it’s great little sharp white teeth filling its mouth from moment to moment as it conveyed in a sound vaguely like Cait’s own. “She’s scared,” the Bear’s voice sounded more confidence and in control. But Auntie, she tilted her head and asked. “Scared?” Did Auntie hear the bear, too? Cait looked from the back of the bear to around at Auntie Eiboline her mouth moving. She licked her lips and moved her mouth again. Nothing. The bear got in her way. It seemed to roar in Cait’s ears, but not in a way to fright, but in a way that gave her fear a voice. “She’s had a different kind of accident. A touching accident.” Auntie nodded and sat on the stair. “Well…,” she picked the bear out of Cait’s hands. “Why don’t you whisper it to me so the whole house doesn’t know what you mean?” Even as she said this, she was looking at Cait with shiny, listening, Cait matters, eyes. Cait heard. “She put the horse right back where it goes. She did. But she was so far in her head, that she touched one of the many things on the dresser that you asked her not to. She’s scared that you’re mad now. The ghost said it will keep her secret. It shut me up, but I told Cait, if she tells you the truth, that has always served… the master of dresser well.” The Bear was Just-a-minded thing for her again, whispering what Cait’s own mouth seemed to mouth but she felt no air in them, and the anvil held her tongue in the way that it only made sense that the Bear was talking. “Shall we go up and see what harm was done?” Auntie Eiboline asked the bear and then passed it back to me. “Let’s see what was moved, pet.” Why doesn’t Auntie sound mad? Why isn’t she talking about touching what doesn’t belong to you, especially after she let me play with all the other toys and gave me Kookaberry? Eiboline lifted Cait up and carried her gently patting her butt that was still quite dry from the outside. The floor by the bed was in a chaotic town map with a few of the building knocked over, scattered, and shattering other buildings from Cait’s quick retreat around the corner to her side of the bed. Auntie stepped over it, preserving her own scene just the same as she had preserved the one of the dresser. “I don’t see anything moved,” Eiboline whispered. “Nothing is out of place.” I pointed my finger at the mama horse just past the lonely little baby one. “Is that the one you moved?” I nodded. “Show me.” I lifted up the back the way I remember doing and then set it down. “That’s all you did?” There was a little silence. “You know, even Auntie Eiboline accidentally bumps the dresser and has to set up a few knocked over pieces sometimes.” I felt my pre-pee pat-pat-patter pat pat into my boy undies. “If you bump the dresser or you happen to touch one of the things on it, that is likely a very hard rule for a ten year old to follow all the time. Even I have to break it to stand an animal back up. How about we adjust the rule that you don’t move them out of their place. What that means is, if you see one fallen over, if you happen to touch one and catch yourself, as long as you put it back as close to as you remember it, you can always tell me you accidentally touched it. The boundary is, you don’t touch more than one at a time, and you carefully fix it, if you realize you moved something. It’s not about perfection, Cait. It’s about where the toys were when…. Well, you put them back exactly. Don’t lose any and put them back, and then tell me you accidentally touched it.” I looked up at her. My panties felt more warm drizzle just stopping. I felt my butt but it was still dry. “You’re not mad?” “I’m furious that you disobeyed, Cait, but I’m also furious that I put an expectation on a child that wasn’t fair. Those are still toys up there. It’s tempting, but I can’t move them. Some day, I’ll tell you why, but I can’t right now. So, let’s just go to dinner, and let’s not worry about what you and I did wrong for a few minutes. We both need time to breathe.” Cait scratched her head. Auntie didn’t even yell. How did Auntie do something wrong? I started to put the Bear on the bed. “Cait?” “Yeah?” “Don’t you want Kookaberry with you when you eat?” “I didn’t know things were allowed at the table.” “Things, no,” Auntie said with a small smirk on her lips. “Things that are just play things do not belong at the table, but right now, Kookaberry is helping you learn to be a big girl. You need your companion, lass. All wee ones need their companions wherever they are.” I hugged Kookaberry. “You not taking him away after I broke your rule and touched your toys?” “Do you know the saying that two wrongs don’t make a right?” Auntie asked. I shrugged. “Well, two wrongs do NOT make a right. That’s one philosophy you won’t like repeated when you are teenager getting even with someone, but right now, it also applies to your Auntie taking something I know you need. Just because you touched something important to me, and I may need to think about whether you need corrected for it, it’s not right that that correction is taking something you need right now, child. Two wrongs don’t make a right… not for kids to do it, and if not kids, then certainly adults.” I looked up into her sincere frowning face, and I knew she was telling me something she really believed. If it was a lie, she didn’t know she was lying yet, and I hadn’t seen the lie, at least from her. Now Daddy… well… Daddy lies all the time, I realized. Cait’s thumb in her mouth, her arm around the bear, and Auntie carrying her, she landed at the table where Sean smiled. “precious creature!” Cait smiled at him and pulled her thumb from her mouth. “Kookaberry told on me, and Mrs. Kinsella, Auntie, um… Auntie-grandma didn’t even take him away from me.” “Now.” seemed to be the only word in Uncle Sean’s thoughts. “You can hold Kookaberry or you can put him in the empty seat at the table. Your choice, pet,” Auntie Eiboline whispered. As I sat there, pushing my legs together trying to mind the recess rule that you don’t go when you just came from play, but the bear was in my head. “You said you trusted me,” Kookaberry reasoned. “Did I get you in trouble when I explained how you had an accident with your hand?” I shook my head no as I felt more pat-pat-patting-pit pat pat in my underwear. “Your panties are wet. They’re not just damp, Cait. You know it’s going to itch and feel gross if you sleep in these like this. Even if you get to the bathroom without a pool on the floor…. Didn’t Uncle and Auntie say you could tell them you were wet? They meant like, now, when you know it.” “It’s not pee,” I accidentally said it out loud. “It’s just… almost pee.” Uncle and Auntie looked at each other and then at me. “Cait? Sweetheart?” Sean whispered. “Should you go to the toilet right now, Lass? You know it’s okay to go, don’t you?” “The rule,” I whispered. The Bear said it for me with his just-a-minded thing again. “The rule...” came out stronger followed with the rest of the phrase. “...is that after you play, you can wait an hour. It’s a school rule, and it’s Daddy’s rule.” Sean shook his head. “Not in this Goddamned house it’s not,” and he moved directly to me and started to carry me. “You don’t suffer in silence, child. I don’t care if we told you to go to the bathroom a minute ago, if you suddenly need to go, you get to go anyway if there is an empty bathroom, you just go. If there isn’t, then we find you one as soon as we can. You can’t practice keeping your underpants dry if you are scared you missed the chance to go, child.” He took me right into the bathroom, and he stripped the pants and the wet soggy underwear down my legs and put me on the toilet. “Remember what I said about asking for help if you are scared to go to the toilet, Cait? That means in the day, too. You don’t suffer in silence, and you don’t worry about this,” and he held up the soaked underwear I had just had on. “You just tell us… You just say, Uncle Sean, I didn’t mean to, but I had an accident again, and I… can I change my underwear because it’s not all the way out, but it feels gross… or you say it how best tells what you need from us. If you need to be changed because you are still nervous to change without permission, then one of us will change our little Cait-a-kins! If we are driving and you can’t make it and need permission to wet your pants because it hurts to hold it. You can ask, if you need permission. But, Cait-a-kins? You do have the right to wet your pants when it’s hurting or too hard to hold it.” Uncle Sean made up a hyphen word with my name! I giggled. Chapter Twenty-One Cait’s Ajax The last time Cait sat in dry underwear at the dinner table, she wouldn’t have been able to remember it. Every dinner at home, every lunch at school, every time. The only meals she was dry for until then, that she could remember, was because Grainne had to give her a bath before breakfast when they had school. That was it. Cait sat in just boy underpants and a shirt at the table, but she wasn’t bothered. It didn’t feel wrong to her. It felt like… it was just a different rule. It was the Ajax rule of the house. Daddy’s rule didn’t overrule the Ajax. If Uncle needed her in just underwear, and they were dry, then that trumps the wet panties and skirt from before. Dinner was wrapping up, and Cait stood immediately and started to move her plate. “Where are you going?” Uncle Sean asked her though his mouth looked more playful than serious. “I was going to help Auntie clean….” “Auntie says you made pickles, cleaned up the hallway mess earlier upstairs, fetched water, and even vacuumed the hall upstairs and in the living room today.” “I… I did.” I whispered. “So, when does a child get a chance to be a little girl?” Sean asked Cait. “What do you meat?” “Cait, what I mean…, is that a child needs time to play and time to just be. Bring your bear to the living room.” Uncle Sean said it was her bear, too? “And then you go upstairs, and you bring anything you want to play with down here with me, and let me watch the news and get a few minutes with with my little cousin-niece.” “Wait. You want me to make a mess in the living room?” “A mess? What’s messy about bringing toys to play with?” “I could bring the spell-and-school thingy.” Sean looked over at Auntie Eiboline and she frowned and shook her head sharply over Cait’s while Sean still held her eyes in his. “No. Not that, Cait. We can work with that some other time.” He bent down and picked her up. “Let’s get some toys YOU want to play with. And bring a whole set as long as it’s not on the farm shrine.” Cait looked up at Uncle Sean and then over at Auntie Eiboline. Uncle Sean had a strong smile and a nodding head while Auntie just smiled and had her hands folded in front of her like she wasn’t disagreeing with him. “And it’s allowed?” Cait still couldn’t believe it. Sean responded by starting to walk with her in his arms, carrying her, again, like she was a little girl, but like he wanted her to be his little girl. He patted her back as he walked her towards the bedroom. “I guess the bear knows you by now, pretty well, does he?” Sean asked. “Did you name him, or… actually I guess you’d probably have found it to be a her, right?” “No,” Cait said brightly and almost with a playful defiance. “It’s him. His name is Kookaberry.” “That’s a mouthful. Why that?” “A Kookaberra sitting in the old gum tree,” she shrugged with a smile. “It’s just the song. I just made the end berry though because berry sounds happy like the sound in the song when the Kookaberra is laughing while eating the gumdrops.” “Do you know what a Kookaburra is?” Sean asked. “No.” “We should go to the library next week so we can see what it is. If you’re gonna name your companion after it, you should probably know a thing or two about it.” “You could just tell me.” “I could. But there are a few problems. One, I’m not sure exactly what kind of animal it is, but I know it’s an animal. Two, I’m not sure why the song says it laughs, but I am guessing it’s something like laughing hyenas, but it’s best to check than to assume and be wrong.” “Assume?” “It means you make a guess that you think you worked out, but it might be wrong.” “Oh.” “So, let’s see what we have in here,” he looked around the bedroom. Auntie Eiboline had been busy in there, even working around Cait though Cait had not paid attention at all to what she had been doing in her play story. He opened the toy box, and he found the little woodland’s sets. It had a Raccoon family and house set, it had a Rabbit family and house set, and it had so many things in it, that Cait was almost sorry she hadn’t see them before and added them to the town. “Is it too much to bring those-s once?” Cait asked looking at the sets she envisioned was like a town?” “As long as you don’t mind going all the carrying back and forth. Uncle wants to play with his own toy, the television, but I’ll help you bring as many as I can for the first trip. After that, it’s up to you to bring what you want.” “What about cleaning up time? I guess maybe I should just bring the houses and leave the families up here. That way the town is….” “Nonsense, Cait. You can’t have a town without populating it. The little houses come with families. We’ll figure out what needs to be cleaned up and what can wait until another time to clean up. It’s not hurting anything if you keep your little town out of the walkway. That’s all that matters.” “Just keep it out of the walking way? But what if I don’t know where that is? I not really been in your living place before.” “Then Uncle will set the first few hours down so you can see the boundaries, and if the town is big enough after you see how much room you have, then you can use your blocks to fill in the gaps, unless you want your town here it is up here, but where it is, Cait, it’s in a walking path. It’s going to get knocked down all the time, and I can curse pretty good if I step on something in a walk path that I don’t notice.” Cait put her finger on her lips gain. “If Uncle is okay with it, I can bring the block town down to fill around the forest critter houses.” “Good girl.” He called me good again! I looked for the ghost. “He keeps called me good, just so you know!” “Don’t ask me. He’s just weird. They both are. Maybe your Dad knew that they are like this, and that’s why ask them to keep you. He thinks you won’t annoy them, and he thinks they will be easier on you than you getting in the way and getting yelled at all the time.” “That accidentally makes sense,” Cait said with accidentally meaning with real intent the way another word she can’t think of should be used there. “Daddy been kind of nice about not caring if I pee the bed now, if I just don’t get up and make messes. He even been nice about me pee all the way in the hallway, if I don’t keep moving after I am peed on. Maybe he wants someone not to mind me if I pee and to just be okay that I will do it?” “I mean, he still hates when you do it at school though, so I don’t know….” the ghost seemed like it was contradicting itself. “Your dad isn’t even a dog here, Cait,” Kookaberry seemed to interject. “The dog that calls itself Ford’s master is off in another land terrorizing people I can’t get to right now, so he’s not important to us, here and now. So ghost, go back to sleep until you have something important to do. She’s safe here.” “She can’t forget her Daddy’s rules though. She will be going back after the summer.” “Well, we’ll see about that,” Kookaberry frowned at the ghost. “In the mean time, though, she can learn what is allowed here.” The ghost faded. I had toys all over the extremely large corner Sean laid out for me. It wasn’t a little space at all. I couldn’t even make my town of blocks take it all up, even by making the each block one building or house to itself. It was like… Uncle Sean gave me…. I don’t know if half is right because I not good at math, but I know that if I try to make the living room into four places, I had more than one of those and how much of a second, I wasn’t sure. It was a lot of space though. There was so much space, in fact, that as the clock by the doorway that went into the kitchen started to move to the little hand at the nine and the big hand at the seven, and I laid down, Kookaberry in my arm, and my thumb in my mouth, I started to close my eyes. I knew I wasn’t supposed to put my thumb in my mouth at home, but the two times Auntie and Uncle saw me, they just let me. So I did it. I was lying on the floor next to my stuff, and I was still in the space that Uncle said was my town. Looking over, he smiled. “Getting sleeping, child?” I nodded with my head still on the floor. “I’m not letting you go up there in wet underwear, child. Come here. I want to see if we need some clean underwear on you, and after we make sure you are comfortable, then you can lie in uncles lap for a bit until you fall asleep.” I pulled my thumb out of my mouth. “You supposed to put babies to bed,” I whispered. “No, Cait. You put children who are tuckered out that you can still carry to bed regardless of their age…, if you love them.” I frowned. It was another of Daddy’s rules that the Ajax just trumped again. “Okay.”

Chapter Ten Allowed to Not Know Anything Yet Cait’s feet landed on the hard plastic like floor or something her pee wet sandals on the floor. Her skirt was sticking to her butt and her back. She shivered. The tall pretty woman that she was told was Auntie Eiboline, her mom’s cousin, was turning the knobs for the bathtub water splouter. “Be a good girl and take off your shoes,” the woman’s voice was soft. It wasn’t yelling. It wasn’t stage whispering. It wasn’t mad. “Then your skirt, Pet.” Cait pull at her Sandals with the toe of her sandals on the back of the heel plate under the lower strap in back. The Sandals were dingy, dirty, and pee-soaked. Auntie turned to face her after the water splouter was on full. The white cloudy stuff that rises from baths that Grainne, Clodagh, Mom, and dad took was present in the tub now. This kind of smoke doesn’t come from the baths that Cait or the two younger sisters get. They run out of hot water then, so it’s not cold exactly, but it’s not Grainne warm. Cait pulled at the skirt that clung to her like pasted paper against a folder. It made an icky sticky pull at her thighs and her butt as she pulled it off and down her legs. The dinginess of it made it seem more light brown than it’s original yellow color. Auntie Eiboline, (eye-bol-eyen), watched Cait for a moment as the skirt fell with a quiet almost no sound fluff of air though in Cait’s ears, there was a faint splat, too. The lady’s look at Cait, it was a long steady watching-look. It didn’t seem to narrow at the eyes, and the mouth didn’t tighten. Her cheeks didn’t narrow in. She didn’t look right for being upset about the hallway. Her hands were in her lap as she sat on the side of the tub waiting for it to fill. The soaked clammy sticky stinky panties seemed to rest there on her butt, her hands on the sides of her hips, pausing just long enough that there was no question now, that the mess made just outside the door belonged to those dirty things—to that dirty stupid girl. Soaking wet toilet tissue fell of out her panties as Cait finally took a deep breath and pulled at her panties, Accidentally turning them inside out upside downy trying to pull them down, but the wet sticky didn’t let them pull down normal and in shape. Still, the lady just smiled at her like it was the most right thing a little girl can do. As Cait struggled with her top, Auntie Eiboline called at her in a soft near whisper. “No, Cait, pet. Come. Let me help.” She didn’t know why she trusted her, nor why her legs just started, but Cait walked over. Gentling unbuttoning the three buttons at her shoulder, Auntie-grandma lifted it off of her. “Hey, Pet,” she whispered. “You don’t have to worry about little accidents, child. First, you are a child and they happen, and second, someone has to teach you that it’s okay to go to the bathroom before it gets so bad that you can’t make it.” Auntie lifted Cait’s chin to look her in the eye. “Tell me, little lady, Is that what happened? You tried to wait at the table until you couldn’t?” Cait looked down. “Stupid, like daddy says.” “No, child. Scared. There’s a reason you feel bad all the time. There’s a reason you pee your pants. We work on that together. Your job, for a while? You come and get us when you’ve peed on the floor. That’s your job, and even if it’s outside on the ground, you still come and get us. That’s your job.” “What… what if I don’t come and get you?” “Well, we can’t have you going around in soaked panties all day, even if you did have a skirt to hide it, can we? If you seem too scared to tell us you’re suffering, then would you minded if we checked on you?” Cait shrugged. “Daddy checks.” Eiboline frowned. “Yeah, well, you get a chance to try to tell us first, pet. If it seems like a while and you didn’t say anything and I don’t remember you going, then we’ll discuss it first before I just go lifting your skirt or pulling down your pants against your will. Is that alright with you?” Cait had almost a sigh in her answer. “Yeah.” Eiboline put a hand on her shoulder. “Get in, pet.” Cait looked up at her. She could see the steam in the tub, the hint that this wasn’t a cool or even a barely warm bath. It was something that only big people got at her house. Her eyes went a little wide. “Um… that’s hot water?” “It’s body temperature,” Eiboline corrected her. “You don’t think I’d burn you, do you?” “No,” Cait whispered. “I mean… it’s too hot. Only the big people and the ‘I don’t pee my pants people’ get to have water like that.” “That rule is not only stupid, Cait, but it’s actively harmful. No wonder it smells like you haven’t had a bath for week! You bathe, don’t you child?” Cait looked down. “Well, Grainne usually does it, after everyone else is done and the water is mostly all of the hot water has been used already. Daddy says I have to be last because of…,” and she looked down at her naked body which had chaffing and redness on her legs near where she pees. “Well, there are only three people in this house and our water tank for hot water is probably bigger than your family tank, so there is no reason for you to take cold baths anymore.” Cait’s eyes got big. “You are purposely letting me take a big people bath?” “Sure…, if that’s what you call it,” Eiboline had a set small frown though. She didn’t like this at all. She couldn’t do anything about what was done, nor whatever was going on with the other four children at the Weimer Farm at the moment, but she didn’t have to like it. Cait put a foot hovering over the steamy water and started to toe it, but pulled back. Eiboline smiled down at her and put a hand on her shoulder as the child’s eyes looked up at her in confusion and probably the words on her lips but not spoken. ‘It’s hot.’ “You’ll get used to it, pet. Go on. Just take it slow. That’s a girl. Sit as slowly as you need to get your body used to it. Your body will like it once you are in.” “Get in!” Grainne always had her arms crossed when Cait complained it was colder than usual. “If you didn’t wet the bed, maybe you’d get hot showers, and you peed at school today. What do you expect? Dad’s not going to trust you not to pee in the bath as long as you are peeing your pants at school, and it’s gross to sit in someone else’s pee, isn’t it?” Cait looked up Eiboline who was now started to take a small brush of the likes she had never seen before. The bristles were white and the whole brush was so small, it would easily hide in the elder woman’s hand, but she grasped the hand that was on top, not out to the side like a hairbrush, and she picked up Cait’s foot at the end of the tub and started to brush at her toe nails. She smiled as she did so. “Mom says I have to do do this,” Cait heard echoes of Grainne’s voice, always rushed and trying to hurry it because she had stuff she had to do, too. But this lady? She was smiling and she told her to sit as slowly as she wanted to get used to the bath. Her mind tried to rush sitting, but Eiboline shook her head at her and even reached in at one point and lifted her off when she noticed how Cait almost cried out because she tried to sit too fast. “Can’t you hurry up and sit right?” Grainne would say in the same situation. Cait looked up at her. The woman was taking a long time on just one foot. It wasn’t a quick wipe or a flashing you are done. She was still on the same foot in the same time that Cait though Grainne would have already been washing up her legs, that’s if Grainne ever did wash her feet, but she didn’t. Grainne washed her chest, back, face, down to her hips. Then she threw the cloth at her sister. “I’m not washing your gross parts so you can pee on me. Just. Don’t tell Daddy I didn’t wash your butt, unless you want me to actually do it, and I won’t be gentle if you make me do it.” The lady was very gentle with her feet, both of them. Then she carefully washed her fingers with the same brush, but just where the nails were. Cait felt relaxed almost. She started to close her eyes as Auntie Eiboline exchanged the brush for a wash rag, a clean, nearly new-looking to Cait’s eyes, and she wiped slowly along Cait’s arms, first, this time. The sensation was purposeful and gentle. Auntie smiling the whole time. “Good girl,” Eiboline said without a reason. Cait was just sitting still, but as her arms got clean and then her legs, one at a time, when Eiboline had them clean, she whispered. “Good girl.” Sean came to the door of the bathroom. “It’s not ideal, Cait, but there’s underwear just the same and some jeans and a plaid shirt. I hope it’s okay. They are boy’s stuff. We’ve… we’ve never had a reason to have girl clothes with us before. We thought you’d have your own stuff, so I’m sorry we didn’t think to try to buy you stuff before you came.” Cait smiled over at him. “Okay.” Her voice was still uncertain and small, but her eyes shined up at him. Her leaning into Eiboline’s gentle wiping now against her back was communication. She saw a glimpse of the boy underpants, but she didn’t care. She didn’t have to wear wet panties. That was more important. Auntie and Uncle exchanged a look though that told Cait that there was something wrong. Maybe she had reacted in a way they feared she would. But she couldn’t understand what she had done wrong. She wasn’t complaining. She knew they couldn’t help it if all they had were boy underpants for her. At least they tried to get her clean. Yet, she could feel the sadness between them as she accepted the clothing without question. “Isn’t she precious?” Eiboline asked Sean. Sean walked out of the room, sort of faster than Cait would have liked, but he wasn’t stomping. He wasn’t yelling. He wasn’t even acting like “Fine!” like you do when you know you can’t win, but you are mad anyway. No, the way he left was much too quiet to be from anger. “What did I do?” Cait whispered up at Eiboline. “Not you, pet. Not you. It’s complicated, but it’s not you.” She had a soft frown, too. “You really don’t mind the boy underpants?” Cait shook her head. “Only you and Uncle Sean going to know what I wearing under the jeans, right? I don’t have to tell people that I’m wearing boy underwear, do I?” “Of course you don’t, pet. But. I think that’s why he’s just thinking. It’s just… unheard of for a kid your age to not at least yell about it, even if you know that’s all we have. You’re… you’re just so grateful.” She smiled again. “And that’s a good quality to have. Don’t get us wrong. It’s just… a child your age… not minding. It’s sad is all.” “Why?” Cait looked up at her wondering why her being grateful she didn’t have to wear stinking wet panties was sad. “Never mind, Cait,” she smiled a soft understanding smile. “It’s complicated.” The sensation of Auntie Eiboline now cleaning her seemed to shift, not to a raging let’s get this done with, but more, to something even softer as she continued. A softness like the wispy white left overs from a nearby cloud that seem so delicate, that staring at it too long could make it dis-just-app-ear? Was that a word? It meant invisible or not be anymore. Cait sighed. She was really stupid, wasn’t she? Eiboline turned her and started to wash her chest and her stomach. Cait loved the soft warm feel of grandma-like Auntie washing her. So soft and with… with the care that what she was doing was important. That for once, Cait felt important to someone, important enough to spend time getting her cleaned right, and she didn’t fight for the rag. Not like she would have for Grainne even though she knew Grainne would win in the end. The Bath nearly over, and Eiboline being caring and careful the whole time, started to wipe Cait’s butt, but disaster struck. First, as she started to clean Cait, Eiboline pulled the cloth away to rinse it, but then stared at it like she was looking at a spider or something. Not with squeamish disgust, but just a surprised shock at seeing caked dried stuff that could have been nothing other than another sign that they didn’t not only teach her not to wipe, but they didn’t even teach her or clean her in baths. There was way too much of a buildup of dried stuff there, and she suddenly felt tears in her eyes. “Oh, child,” she said softly. “You little lass….” She went to wipe her again when Cait’s hand instinctively went up to guard her face and chest, and as the woman started to wipe the dried stuff off of her again, Cait started to sob and then it happened…. Eiboline seemed to freeze with the rag held against the little girl’s bottom. The girl shivered and cried. There was a moment of time that felt instant but eternal at the same time. Then Eiboline felt it, a filling sickening presence pushing into her hand. Cait felt it, the dried stuff against her butt and the stimulating scratching against her skin somehow caused her to forget herself or something. Without warning, she felt her stomach just push. It wouldn’t stop, but Cait wanted it to. She froze as she felt another push against the hand that was still on her butt. She started to sob. Her hands instinctively guarding her face and chest. And before Eiboline realized it, nor Cait, Eiboline was pulling her hand rag back, a hand full of poop in her hand and the water turning disgusting as Cait’s body kept going. She was crying now. Eiboline moved to the sink to wash her hands off, and she looked back at the crying little girl, and not one line of disgust filled her eyes. Something more from the heart made her call. “Sean! Get this baby out of the tub! Now!” Cait looked up cautiously, though her fingers of her hands, her wet blue eyes peeking at the adults, but neither of them looked mad, exactly. “She… she might still be pooping. You’ll want to be prepared for her to get poop on your hands. She… she just did it. There wasn’t any evil smirk, there wasn’t a gasp, it just happened, and then she got scared and started crying, Sean! Something is emotionally and terrifying wrong, here. We can’t send her back to that!” Sean lifted the child, and indeed, poop was still coming out, but he held her anyway and he gave a great sigh. “Hey, Cait, don’t be scared,” he whispered. “It’s okay. We’ll get it cleaned up. You’re okay.” Cait’s mind drifted back again to some other time as she shifted and shook in Sean’s hand. She had tears spilling down the sides of her face. Her hands tightened into fists as she shook as more poop pushed into Sean’s caring hands as he held her as if the pooping didn’t matter, his hands making a seat for her to sit in while she leaned in at his chest. She smelled—bad. Liquid stuff came out after a moment splattering Sean, and still he just held her and started to coo a song at her. It was a song she hadn’t heard before, and she didn’t understand the words, but the melody was calming and it helped her hands relax. The more she relax, the more the poop came out freely until she finished. She laid her head on Sean’s chest, and her eyes closed. “She’s worn out,” she heard Sean whisper, and then the lights went out. The night was dark, the sky was blue. Around the corner, a window up on the second floor with a small part in the curtain that allowed the moon to shine, we peek in at a heavy breathing child. Her eyes are closed, but she has pulled the blankets closer to her body and tightened herself into a little cocoon. There is a little bit of Cait’s pre-pee, just a small damp spot where she had turned away dragging the blankets over her in her sleep. There was no awareness—until—the sat up, her eyes wide and her left hand, shaking, pushed itself inside the tightly wrapped blanket burrito where she felt her panties. “pre-pee,” she whispered to herself. Chapter Eleven The Night Her eyes cast around the room and saw a partly open curtain that let in a little of night time sparkles from the moon and the start, now allowing her eyes to sharpen and see the ancient wardrobe against a wall, a door partly left open. A dresser against the opposite wall from where the open door to her other side was closer to the wardrobe. Two windows in the room. One window that faced her as she stared to the foot of the bed and to that wall, and one widow over the dresser. There was a toy chest near the dresser. Did she see toys on the dresser? The scent of the blankets were fresh and warm. These blankets, until now, smelled as though they had been ever untainted by the likes of this girl whose bottom had pressed a little pre-pee into the sheets where she sat. Her stomach sat full. There was no clock in here. There was only night light outside. It wasn’t even pre-dawn when the light should pale before the sun rises. It was clearly night. “What do I do? What do I do? What do I do?” started to flash like the old tornado warnings that sometimes flashed across television screens in the 1980s during severe summer storms. Her legs and arms shook. “I can’t wet the bed. It’s… it’s not mine to wet! What will they do to me? Even if grandma-auntie doesn’t get mad, will they decide that I am trouble just like daddy says? Will she stop treating me like she did yesterday? Yesterday…. Someone wanted to talk to me.” She closed her eyes and tried to see if she could feel how much sleep was inside her. She grasped at whatever clues she could pick up. Could she see the moon enough outside to know if it was rising, mid sky, or falling? Would she even know where the moon should rise from or fall to? She’d never seen the night sky after lights out. The curtains were always pulled shut on her, to hide the shame that she slept on a mat on the floor between two beds, and that mat was stained so deep it was more orange than white. Always hide the shame. That was the most important rule daddy made. If you hide it, at least it’s only a family secret. If someone sees you do it, then it’s a family shame. “How long?” Cait whispered into the dark. “Until you pee your pants?” the wicked taunt returned its voice more faint than the last time it appeared. “Yeah?” Cait answered the ghost. “Or… until morning? Can I pee on the floor instead of the bed?” There was quiet for a bit. The ghost’s answer wasn’t immediate. “You can’t wet on the floor,” Cait heard her inner voice that didn’t seem as smirky this time. “You can’t. They’ll know you did it on purpose, if you do it on the floor. If you don’t want them to hate you….” Cait looked over at the partly open wardrobe. She shook not wanting to think for a moment. “It can’t be the bed, though.” Her thumb went into her mouth. She thought the shadows of the room moved, but did they? Did any time pass. “I can’t pee the bed, though. I can’t.” “Well, if you can get to the kitchen…,” the ghost advised. “… breakfast, and just use the rule, you can’t interrupt, and then pee your pants?” “But… then I could use the toilet?” The ghost didn’t answer. The darkness seemed to become more… not light… but less obscure. It was almost revealing to Cait as she looked at the partly open wardrobe, the closet door made of darker wood that she didn’t see just before right next to her bed, in fact, on the other side of the wall of the door that her headrest was on. It was fully closed, but she could now make out the coppery hand circle parts for your hands to slide it open. There were shoes under the dresser, shined, brown ones maybe. The toys on the dresser were… not baby toys at all. Cait’s thumb in her mouth popped out of her mouth as she realize the toys on the dresser were… a water gun. Even teenagers play with those. There were farm animals set up across it with meticulously placed fences and each animal stood up on its own. These were not clumsy big things that toddlers chewed on. They were little figurines used to tell a child’s story. There was a little box that she couldn’t quite make out what product it was supposed to protect when new, but it was small enough, it elevated a dog on the box. It was like the dog looked at all the others. The big animals, they were all looking at the dog. The baby animals, they were looking at the big animals that looked like them, or they were frozen in mid action, one little one following another, almost as if someone took a picture of the babies playing tag while the dog barked at the others. Cait could almost imagine the dog barking, but his barking was understood as words by all the animals round his box though still separated behind their own squares of fences. Cait returned her thumb to her mouth. What if one of the little animals, one that was chasing the other little ones, was like her? It was too small to look at the dog, but too big to really be by its mother, and it was frozen, looking at the dresser top, poop in it’s invisible panties? Cait sighed and the ghost, still leaving it’s smirk in the garage where daddy was supposed to do things but forgot about them, whispered. “That little girl colt there? The one looking at the other horses playing, but its body angled at it’s mom? The one that has invisible poopy panties? That’s you,” the ghost told her. “You can’t escape the pre-pee, and that means you will pee your pants even if you don’t want the Kinsella people to know. Even if the nice lady is there to take care of you, you know, Auntie-grandma Eiboline? Even if she is watching, she’s looking at the dog? See? The other big horse, it’s body nearly shielding the little pooped pants little horse from the dog, but its head is turned to the dog. You know who the dog is, don’t you?” Cait gulped. Another little pre-pee drizzle slipped into her panties and wet the blankets she was rolled in. “He’s always watching. He will know if you don’t pee the bed. What if he knows you do it at home but not here? He’ll think you did it on purpose all those years, won’t he? He’ll hit. He will.” “Wait,” Cait told the ghost. What if there isn’t even any poop in the pony’s panties? What if it’s just pre-pee? Maybe it’s trying to find a place go? That’s why it’s not with the other running and tagging horses over there? Maybe she’s scared to play with the other little horses until she finds a place to poop?” “I don’t know…,” the ghost whispered. “She is separated from the playing horses and she’s not by her mommy horse. Maybe she is looking for a toilet. But what do horses use? I mean, if they are like people, they can’t use the toilet, they are made for those, and if they are like people, they can’t just let it go on the ground or in their panties. They’d be too smart…. So what would they use?” “I don’t know, Cait whispered around her thumb. A ditch?” “The edge of the dresser?” The ghost suggested. “The horses are fenced off to the middle of the dresser. She can’t get there, can she?” Cait shook her head. That’s… that’s why she’s in the middle of pooping her panties instead of it already is in them. She’s trying to find a way, but she’s starting to not make it.” The bathroom is just down the hall. Cait had seen this room earlier, when she peed in the hallway by the toilet door. It wasn’t more than ten steps from the bedroom door, and the minutes she’s out of bed on the door side, she’s already at the door. She just has to get up. “If you pee on the floor…,” The ghost’s whisper seemed to fade before it could finish its words. Cait pushed her hands into her panties, trying to feel how wet she was. She was wet. But it wasn’t soaked. She can do it, right? She stared into the hall. The other room that faced her door across the hall was Sean’s room. He was the dog in this house, right? But what if he’s not? What if daddy is still telling them what to do, with the phone or with letters, or somehow, magically? If she goes in the hall, that will be it. She will have to make it to the toilet if she takes even one step from here. Cait sucked her thumb. The dog’s door stayed closed. The light that spilled out halfway between the bedrooms from the fully open bathroom door…. It was calling to her. It was saying that it was warm there. Cait checked her panties again with her other hand, not the one in her mouth—ew! And she took a deep breath puffing out her chest. Can I? She felt her legs shaking as she stood there, uncertain. Her body shuddered. A little pre-pee escaped. Her eyes looked over the edge of the hall. The hands. In Cait’s head it was 4 and 6. Was that morning? She didn’t know. She stepped shivering into the hall. Nothing bad happened. No one yelled. No pre-pee. She took another step. She was doing it. She was leaving the bedroom. Her panties were wet, but the floor was dry. She was moving. The light was getting closer. What was that? The little girl froze after four steps and listened. She didn’t know. Did she hear something? Was it just the toy dog barking at her to stop her, or was it telling to go? She didn’t know. It felt like she was being watched. It felt like something heard her. It felt like she was being judge. Pre-pee started to pat-pat in her panties. It wasn’t stopping. It wasn’t pre-pee! “Stop!” she felt the dog staring at her from the direction to the other bedroom. You’re peeing, little girl. You are going to go into the bathroom and continue making a defiant trail?” She was halfway between the bathroom and her bedroom. The bed. She had to return…. When she turned, she saw the inner ghost. “If you move… you are flooding. Look!” So caught up in her panic, the little redheaded girl with hair in every wild ghost-like unmanageable visage that it may seem if a kid put her hands in the electric wall place, that’s her hair, and she just froze. “The Rule, Cait,” her ghost reminded her. “No trail back to bed. That will get you in less trouble. It will look less like you started and didn’t know you were wetting, than if you leak on the way back. Just… do it, Cait.” The sound was quiet though, and defeated. “You tried. What happens, happens. But don’t let them say you didn’t. Don’t make them a trail that they can say you went knowing you were peeing, right?” Chapter Twelve The Morning Cait sighed, nodded, curled up on the floor, and closed her eyes, and peed, and then she stayed there, peeing her pants and then falling asleep in the cold. The cold lonely place meant the blankets didn’t get more of Cait on them. Meant, she stayed where she was supposed to. Mean’t she didn’t dirty anything else. She was a good girl. Her thumb was in her mouth as the sun started to rise from the main windows lighting up the small little girl on the upper balcony to the right of the toilet, sleeping in a puddle. Across the hall, murmers were heard. The light spilled out onto the puddle the extreme of which reached the bathroom light and caused it to sheen off the floor like when a small wet spot on a wet rainy road might glisten for a moment as the car lights hit it. The door handle moved, a woman tall and elegant smiled at the little innocent creature on the hallway floor, her thumb in her mouth, her hair disarrayed. “Sean! Sean! Quick, before she wakes,” she pointed an open gestured hand towards the child, that to them at that moment, looked like a baby girl, lost in the hall, having seemingly crawled looking for them, maybe…. But Sean frowned, the shorter of the two but with twice the shoulder and brawn whispered something up at her that made the woman’s smile of innocently watching a baby try to get somewhere, into a teary eyed darker remorse. She took a deep sigh. “You want to get her a bath, don’t you?” Sean asked the elegant woman. He walked over and pulled the little girl up off the cold floor and cuddled her. The way he cuddled her, it still could have been as if she was a baby, but his face wasn’t a happy let’s make the baby coo sort of look. It was serious, heavy, and his eyes shined at her. Her thumb was still in her mouth. Her eyes rapidly opened and fluttered at being held. His left hand was patting her soggy panties. He breathed his words as instruction, not as the kind of teaching her dad would have done, but more as if he knew something. “Pet? You were scared?” He patted her wet bottom again for emphasis and then looked over at her bedroom door and then back at her. “All children get scared. Being scared doesn’t make you a baby, Cait. It doesn’t make you a baby to pee your pants on the way to the toilet either. You do know that, don’t you?” Cait looked up at him. “Next time you get scared like that… especially if you pee your pants, pet? Don’t lie in it. You didn’t like that, did you? It felt gross, right?” Cait looked into his shining eyes, trying to see what the trick was. She didn’t feel him shaking in the way dad gets when he’s trying to control his anger when he’s explaining something. She just smelled a heavy soft hay, soap, coffee scented Uncle that now had a hint of her scent on him as her wet panties were pressed against him as he adjusted her to hold her like a child, properly. He tucked her legs around his body as if giving her body permission to touch him even though she was soaked, and his hand on her still wet bottom… Cait knew he didn’t just forget. “I… I didn’t want to make a second mess,” Cait shivered as she looked up at him telling him the rule. “Baby, that thinking is stupid. What would you do? Lie there all morning if we had already been downstairs and hadn’t noticed and stay in the piss until we looked for you?” Cait looked down. “It wouldn’t spread the mess and make the house dirty if I did.” Sean shook his head. “It is making a second mess, though, little pet. A much worse mess when you do that. I’m not talking about a physical thing that can be cleaned up or replaced. I’m talking about something that can’t be fixed. You are putting yourself in a box where you can’t get help and if you can’t get help, your aunt and I won’t know how much of this is you being immature, you being too scared to go like you should, you having potty troubles because your body is hurt, or any other combinations of things that will just be a mess your Auntie and I couldn’t fix. You can’t hide these potty problems, sweetheart. You have to come to us. I know you’re ten, and you feel certain ways about it. No natural ten year old likes to admit that she pees her pants, pet. But we can’t help you if we don’t know what is going on. You have to try to trust us. You are stuck here for the next two months, and you can’t live in shame all that time, little one.” Cait listened to him as she breathed in the air around her. She felt his chest rising and fall as he talked. She felt the breath from his mouth hit her at times, not like the gross spitting daddy does when he’s mad, but like a gentle summer breeze helping a duck fly a little faster. “But I pee my pants, and I pee the bed, and I pee….” Cait was struggling to understand why it was okay to wet her pants. “Pet,” Sean whispered. “One problem at a time. Right now, you come and get us. We don’t care about the puddles or the floor or even the clothes and even the little wetness in your undies. We care about the child that is holding all that weight first. You’ll understand, hon. In time. For now, just come and get us—especially at night when it’s the scariest. You come in and you wake us, and you tell us baby wet her pants because she got scared and that will be the end of it, hon. No shame.” Cait looked up at him, after what felt like minutes to her. He was still holding her, patting her wet boy underpants that were put on her, but the wet boy underpants… they were not a trap for shame right now. They were a sensation of Uncle’s touch. They felt… right. Sean turned slowly towards the light from the bathroom, Cait now looking back at the bedroom where there was no trail. The ghost was right. No trail… they assumed she just peed her pants and it wasn’t dirtying everything. No trail is safe. Sean was different though. He told her to come and get him. That she doesn’t just stay there after she pees. She comes and finds help. He was nice. He was strong. But, daddy lies. Does Sean? Does Sean forget what he says like Daddy sometimes? He hasn’t been mad yet. He touched her and carried her twice when she peed. Is he really okay touching her pee? The bathroom door closed, Uncle Sean, Aunt-grandma Eiboline, and Cait all inside.

Chapter Six The Liar! Pre-pee still present, clammy, and in-flame-ited her itching but unscratchable inside panties place, clung at her as she sat as close to the edge of the chair as she could, Auntie Eiboline, though Cait still said (Eye-vo-line) when she thought it to her self, Auntie spoke to her like an equal… almost. She was sharing, not questioning, not demanding, not even making sure she was being a good child or not. “Have you ever been close to a cow before?” Eiboline asked. Cait shrugged. She couldn’t ever remember seeing one up close, but she wasn’t sure she wanted to. They have long horns that can kill things, don’t they? She didn’t ask that though. “You said you have other animals,” she looked up suddenly, realizing she was changing the topic on an adult. You don’t do that! What was she going to say? “We do,” Eiboline smiled. “We have chickens and we have a couple of horses. There’s a dog around here somewhere, but… well, we feed him.” Cait looked down. She didn’t get mad. The cows weren’t important to her, at least not just then. “Careful, stupid!” the ghost whispered. “You almost made her pull your skirt up to spank you. You want her to see your wet panties?” Cait shivered. She didn’t want that, and the air seemed to still just as the door was heard and the two men started to walk into the room. Daddy gently pushed Cait out of the safe seat. It was the one that was between two exits going outside, with access to the stairs going up, and the living room was right behind it. He looked at Cait or a moment, and Cait knew, Daddy wanted to sit there because… well, she could tell by the way that Auntie Eiboline’s mouth twitched and frowned at one side when daddy was even brought up, that there was no love there. He glanced at her chair for a moment and wiped his hand across the surface of the chair. The grandpa guy stood at the doorway for a moment while daddy checked the chair she just vacated. Aunt Eiboline’s eyes narrowed, and she had both of the sides of her mouth turn down for a moment. Daddy pointed me towards a chair closer to Eiboline, closer to where she could smell me. He wanted her to know that I was smelly like he said. But he didn’t say nothing. He sat in the chair. I guess the clammy panties didn’t get any wet on the chair. “I nearly clipped my head pitching the hay in,” Daddy said casually. I felt my face heat up. No one ever takes a child serious, and now Daddy said the Hay was cut and even already in the shed it was supposed to go. Cait looked down. Daddy was outside moments ago…. Still, the contradictory made Cait pull in at herself as she glanced over at Daddy’s shoes. “How bad?” Auntie Eiboline said to him in a cheery voice, a voice that to another adult, could have sounded a little… forced, but her mouth returned to a relaxed smile, and the shift was so subtle, Cait missed it entirely. “So what way is Maire?” She asked him about Mama. “She’s nearing her time. At least the morning sicknesses have passed.” “Just as the last one starts Kindergarten this fall?” Eiboline asked Daddy as Sean squeezed her shoulder on his way past, and then lifted a heavy pot out of the oven putting it on the counter for her. “Aye,” Daddy said though the way he said it, Cait knew it wasn’t the same way that Auntie Eiboline and Uncle Sean said it, nor even Mama. It was like he was mimicking the sound, maybe to fit in more with the people he was talking to?” “The real difficulty is in the feeding them, and there’s no appetite like a child’s,” Daddy told the couple as Sean scooted past him towards a cupboard where the plates were, and Cait saw Auntie Eiboline getting ready to lift lids and ladle things from pots and pans onto the plates that Uncle Sean passed around the table. “Believe me,” Daddy was still talking. “This one is no different. She’ll eat!” “Don’t we all eat, the same as we grow,” Auntie Eiboline decided to look away from the conflict. Her eyes settled down on Cait, The girl looked so quiet, small, and lost. She touched the child’s head briefly before going back to filling the plates. “Well, she’ll eat,” it was like Daddy dismissed what Auntie Eiboline said. “But you can work her. She’s strong.” “Now.” Uncle Sean shook his head slightly. “There’ll be no need for any of that.” “We gladly keep the child,” Eiboline’s frown deepened even more than it presented moments before, and her whisper seemed so deep, it was like she was talking to something far more complex than the people in the room. Chapter Seven The Wanderer! “She’s adventurous. You need to keep your good stuff put up out of her reach,” Daddy looked Eiboline in the eye. “And you best tell her to stay off your nice living room furniture.” “Why would we need to do that?” Sean asked scratching his head. Cait knew herself that when they came in, she was already on the edge of the chair, trying not to cause any trouble at all. Before Daddy could answer, though, Eiboline cut Daddy off. “She’s a child. She’s not going to hurt the sofa or the chair if she sits in it. I know what the letters say, Sean knows what the letters say, you’ve already told us about that stuff. Don’t bring it up at dinner.” “Eiboline,” Sean said in a calm but somewhat sad sounding voice. Cait didn’t understand what could make them sad about talking about her. They had letters. They knew who Cait was. Why did he sound so sad? It didn’t add up. All he had said, was Eiboline, and she stopped talking, but Daddy didn’t let it go. “Fine,” Daddy frowned back at her. “But I’m not paying for….” Sean and Eiboline looked at one another and then Sean sighed. “Dan, I’m sure there’s other things a little more pleasant to talk about at dinner.” Even as his lips were moving with the same words, Eiboline seemed to say it louder. “It’s not going to make what happens, happen or not happen by bringing it up when the child is trying to eat. Just… please.” Dan nodded. “I’m still not paying for anything that gets ruined. It’s not like suing me is going to make me. There are a lot of people that will get a piece of me if I have to file bankruptcy that will fight over and take everything before you even get a small piece of what that stuff in the living room is worth. I warned you.” She whispered down at her lap. “I pee my pants sometimes.” “Dan! That’s enough,” Eiboline shook. “Look at your daughter. Just look. Maybe you don’t see it, but she’s hurting and she’s crying inside.” “I see no tears, and I’ve told her how to stop this, but she doesn’t do what people tell her to do.” Eiboline turned her back to everyone in the room. She leaned on the counter. There was a whisper and her eyes seemed to nearly tilt towards the heavens. When she turned around, there was water in them. A whispered name on the still air that didn’t quite reach Cait was whispered. Was it Jesus? “Dan, no one is going to sue anyone if something happens. Sean looked out the window of his kitchen, to some distant place out there, where there was a closed in corral, no bull or cow in it, but just a cross. What we let Cait do here, is our responsibility. You warned us and that’s the end of it,” Sean said his voice calm and trying to bring a smoothness to the room. “I… I have to pee,” The little girl shifted on her feet, her hands reaching towards the front of her skirt even though she said it more as an excuse to leave the room than that she felt in-flame-ited. Not really knowing how the word should sound here, wanting an ending that meant now, the more seven or eight year old looking, rather than confidence ten year old who should be there, knew this word was more real than anything she knew how to say, and it was eating up her insides. Everyone’s eyes were on her. She said she had to pee, her Daddy was probably looking at her legs, the floor, or her butt thinking about checking her. The pre-pee pee was coming again. She felt hot and sweaty but that could have just been the hot car ride, too. She was going to pee though. She knew it. “Up the stairs,” Cait heard Eiboline answer a gentle sad shake in her voice. “Straight across.” her voice cracked. “You won’t miss it, but I can help....” “I can do it,” Cait whimpered as she saw daddy glancing towards her skirt. She wasn’t supposed to be a baby. She ran out of the room as fast as she could. The stairs up caused a little bit of pre-pee to escape every third or fourth step. Chapter Eight Miss Potty Pants! To the left, an open door led to a bedroom that was bright and had a white bed cover on it. To the right, the bedroom lights were off. The curtain must have been pulled shut. The door was open, but it was hard to see inside. Cait couldn’t look at those. She reached for the door handle of the door in front of her, the pre-pees had pushed on her too often and too hard. Pee slid down her legs and pooled at the floor around her. She looked out over the balcony, but no one was there looking up at her. They were still in the kitchen. She pushed at the door, pee still sliding down her legs. “If you so much as move one step,” the ghost returned. “You remember? You do. Think Cait. You’ll make the puddle go into a new room….” Cait closed her eyes a moment before moving, and a darkness pulls us into the recent past, maybe before Christmas. “Cait,” Dad had her standing there in front of the bathroom, a lake there and a trail of water from her bedding to the toilet door. “You know why you’re getting it?” The belt was in his hands. “I peed the bed again.” “No. When is the last time I swatted you for peeing the bed?” “Um… before last Christmas?” This meaning before the Christmas before the pooping accident. “You dirtied the bedding you were in, a large puddle at the bedroom door, pee down the hall and a puddle at the bathroom door, and had I not stopped you, probably another puddle in front of the toilet from pulling at your clothes that were already soaked. You are making too much work fore your big sisters and your mom! When you start peeing somewhere, you don’t move! I’ve already told you this three times.” The ghost let the darkness lift, and we see Cait, standing there now deliberately trying to just do it. She finished peeing her pants in front of the door, and she even forced the last two or three squirts into her panties before she pushed open the bathroom door and then she sat on the toilet pulling her skirt out of the way, but still in her wet panties. She inspected it. It was still dry. She could still at least go back and see daddy off, and he won’t know she messed up… at least he won’t know until he was gone. Cait pulled the skirt around to make sure the back was dry. She pulled off some toilet paper and tried to pat at her panties trying to take some of the moisture out of them. She flinched with the grossness as she pushed her panties against herself, trying to make them drain any loose fluid in there. And fluid went all over her hands. Tears well up as she thought. “Gross!” Finally, the skirt as protected as possible with the panties as dry as she could get them with toilet paper even stuffed in them to try to absorb more wetness when she sat down, hoping it would keep from getting to her skirt, she held her skirt out from her in back, and folded the sides towards the middle to hide in case there was any in the middle at all, and she side stepped into the room, and turned her back away from daddy as she tried to get in the chair without being seen, even angling the chair so he only saw the front. She sat on her butt this time, trying to ‘prove’ there was nothing to see. Daddy didn’t seem to notice anything. She sighed in relief as she saw potatoes, green beans, roast, and bread at her place and some milk poured out for her. Cait felt her hands and arms in-flame-ited with a tingle that burned from nerves. She knew that she had given both Auntie and Uncle a glimpse, but they hadn’t seemed to noticed yet. And now, she was safely hidden, the wet did feel like it spread a little though. She must have wet the chair. It was plastic. It wouldn’t be ruined. She could clean it, like she always did, when she wet a chair at home. But it meant her skirt got more wet in the back than she wanted. She’d have to be real careful when she stood up. Cait was given a second slab of beef, some more greens, and more milk. That was a treat. At home, they rarely had enough to make sure she was full. Dan was on his third slab, but it rested on his plate untouched. He sighed and sniffed at the air. He looked right at Cait. Cait shivered. Did he know? “Well,” he looked around the table searching for something. He had a stub in his hand, still long enough he could puff on it twice if he wanted, but he held the cigarette in a way that Cait knew he was decided where to wipe the burning end of it. Cait felt her butt was still way too wet to be seen. She would have to be really careful. She got pee on the chair. Wiping, pressing the water out, and putting toilet paper in her panties didn’t stop it wetting her through her skirt and on the chair. As soon as someone noticed… she was going to be in trouble. She made two messes. Once in the hall and once in the chair. That’s a spanking offense. The shameful in-flame-ited stuff made it itch more as the adults talked around what was going on inside. Legs needed to be pressed. Daddy doesn’t look on purpose, not when there’s nothing to see, but if he just caught a hint, it would need to be explained. Thankfully the closest person to see the back of her sat at one end of the table, and though the chair angled at her daddy, her butt wasn’t really fully on display to the other adult at the other end, and anyway the high backs of the chairs would hide a direct view of her butt. I’m sitting sitting, eating my food. Don’t look at the child. I don’t need you right now. You adults talk. I’m okay. I am just eating, see? I lift my fork, I eat. I drink my milk. It’s all normal. I feel the itching inside. It’s really bugging me, but I can’t touch. It’s gross, but it really itches. I wish we were at home in the dark kitchen with the kids’ table separate from the big people table. I could scratch and pull my panties from sticking where it itches the worst, here, I’d be seen. Don’t itch, don’t scratch, don’t…. I tried to keep my hands stuffing food into my face even though I already had potatoes in there. Daddy wasn’t exactly focused on her at the moment. His gaze shifted from Sean to the edge of the table. The sky outside was starting to shift. The light was starting to dim, not in anyway that anyone would call it night, but certainly, daddy noticed it. Pee driblets touched my thigh. I could feel it. The panties were nowhere as dry as I had hoped I had squeezed them out. I could smell it. It wasn’t just sweat. I was smelly. Was Sean far enough away not to smell me? He was the closest. More important, if he didn’t say nothing, was daddy far enough away? I’d shame him if he knew. Chapter Nine Abandoned! Daddy looked at the butter dish in the middle of the table. He glanced up at Auntie, but he sighed and looked sideways at Uncle. “Got a three hour trek back, you know.” His wrist bounced up and down on the table, his cigarette butt just inches from the plate. Smaller grey flecks of ash dotted his dish. “You could stay the night,” Sean said quietly. “No, I can’t do that. Maire needs me at home and besides, I need to spray the spuds yet when I get home.” I chewed on the meat, watching Daddy’s nervous wrist and his eyes glancing here and there. He seemed to look at the drink in front of him, but he shifted again. “What news should I bring back to Maire?” I think he was stalling. I felt sweat on my back and my neck. He was going to stay until he found out I made two messes. He was going to tell Auntie on me, and she’d be mad. I frowned at Daddy. I didn’t notice it before, but I think I caught him in another..., well, yeah, I did. He can’t spray the ‘spuds’ because the hay isn’t in. Besides, I know that he usually LETS Grainne, my fourteen year old sister be in charge and my other big sister, Clodagh do it. They said it was fun last year. So he’s making excuses to leave. So… what is he trying to stall for? He must want to catch me peeing my pants so he can point it out and show them he’s not lying, but I told them. Didn’t they hear me? I smell really bad. There’s no fan I can see. I hope that Sean is far enough away. I make my jaws cha-cha on the meat in my mouth, trying not to let them see anything. I’m such a baby! The hiss I first heard, so faint, so light and quick, I instinctively felt my thighs grip the wet fabric of my panties and squeeze more water through it into the soaked toilet paper and I think it leaked again into my skirt. I tried to clench, but I didn’t even have to go. Then, there was a light gray almost white expelled curly wisp from the burning end’s last gasp. The cigarette was out. Dad stood up. I looked around the table and everyone else was standing. I stay seated a moment longer, wondering how I was going to get to say goodbye without him knowing I was a baby again when I should be a big kid. I waited for a clue. Eiboline placed a soft hand on Cait’s shoulder. “Are you okay, Cait?” her voice was still a lot quieter than before, it had been since she looked like that at the counter earlier, saying something that might have been a name, but the little girl struggling with her own worries couldn’t hear the name then, nor even noticed the woman getting close to her until she touched her. Instinctively, she tried to angle her body away. “Well…,” I’ll be going,” Dan walked towards the front door. Sean followed right after. Eiboline stayed with the girl, Cait accidentally-on-purpose pulling a napkin from the table down into her chair as she got up. She walked with her legs close together, and the back of her skirt pulled behind her so even with her limiting her walking space, she wasn’t sure that the wetness was covered, but she had to try. Eiboline just touched her head. “You’re okay, Cait,” She said like Mrs. Evans might have. Mrs. Evans was nice, and she never hurt Cait’s feelings… usually, but she didn’t understand things, etiher. “I’ve seen it first hand, Mr. Weimer,” Mrs. Evans talked to her dad that day in December at the conference. “Your daughter is lacking in confidence. She asks for the toilet to avoid doing things that scare her, and she’s having a very hard time reading. You need to read to her and to encourage her to read at home!” “Lady, we have five kids at home. She knows she has two elder sisters, her mom, and she’s just lazy. She’s not going to do it, not because we don’t want her to, but because she just doesn’t want to.” Mrs. Evans sighed shaking her head that night. But she didn’t know. The bathroom baby stuff wasn’t because Cait was lazy or she was trying to fail. She sighed as she looked up at Eiboline knowing that there was no way to excuse or explain that she was a baby but didn’t want it. As Auntie Eiboline and I got out the front door, I saw Daddy was already in the car, and Sean was telling him I was right behind him, and he was saying “She’s fine. I need to go. I’m not going to linger because she’s being lazy. I ran after the car forgetting to hold my skirt in back. I chased the car, but Daddy didn’t see me. He didn’t look up, and the car turned out of view—for I don’t know how long. The car was gone, but I could still feel the warmth of its engine on the road. I could still smell the stale air caused by the tobacco, and I could still believe for a moment, that he’d come back, until he didn’t. “Come, Cait,” Eiboline squatted down easing a hand on her mid back and a hand in her left. “He’s gone. It’s over. It’s time to start something new, pet.” She looked up at the tall lady that was now nearly on her butt next to her, but not quite. Let’s see if we can get you cleaned up. Then, she thought about the kitchen. There was no bag in there. She looked back to Sean who was just staring as Eiboline. “Sean? I think Cait’s bag was in the car, and she’s just had an accident.” “Well. How about you take her and get her a bath? She needed one anyway even if she didn’t pee herself. She’s been sitting in filth since she got here, not your fault, pet, but someone didn’t even give you a bath this morning, did they?” Cait shrugged. Sean walked over and he lifted Cait up, even though he knew she was soaked. He even patted her wet backside, and he whispered in her ear. “You come and get us from now on if you’re wet, pet. You don’t sit there in shame and a soaking wet skirt anymore, little one. It’s not good for you emotionally, nor is it good for your skin.” “Um… are we going up to the bathroom” Cait asked her body tensing against his, right down her hands making tight fists and her toes curdling as though they were trying to do the same. “What’s wrong with the bathroom, pet?” Sean whispered to her. “I was bad. I didn’t get in there. It… the floor… outside the toilet… um….” Sean patted her wet backside again and kissing the side of her face as he whispered he had no malice or anger as he let her know. “Hon, if your skirt is all wet, then the pee came out somewhere, and I could see there was no puddle on the ground where you were sitting so I actually wondered if you peed at the table or not, but there wasn’t really enough pee that it got the floor. Now it makes sense, and Cait?” “Yeah?” “If your pants are soaked, you had to have made a puddle somewhere, sweetheart. Now it makes sense. Next time, just let us know so we can clean it up as soon as we can… unless you already wiped it?” “I… I didn’t,” Cait’s face went red and she was shaking now. “Well, of course you didn’t. I bet know has really shown you how to clean up after yourself, have they?” Cait felt a tear fall down her face. “I’m too stupid to learn.” “Now,” Sean was carrying her into the door already. “None of that, little one. You’re not stupid. No has taught you. That’s not your fault, little lass.” Cait buried her face into his shoulder as he carried her up the stairs and Eiboline lead the way. “She’ll need to wear something, Sean.” “Now. You just get her into the bath Eiboline. Let me worry about finding her something. She needs someone to bathe her, and she’s probably too big for her uncle to do it for her, so I’ll just get some clothes from the room.” “From there?” Eiboline’s eyes went wide, and her pupils danced there for a moment. “She’s a bit small to wear anything out of your closet, isn’t she?” He asked Eiboline reasonably. “No. You’re right. It’s just….” “It’s been twelve years, Eiboline. I know. It’s never going to go away, but those clothes… they don’t do anything for him right now, and we have a child right here, soaking wet and scared. It’ll be okay. She can wear them. It won’t hurt.” Eiboline nodded. “It wouldn’t hurt, would it?” Sean put Cait down just outside the bathroom, but was careful not to stand her in the puddle. He looked at the puddle and then at the little girl, and he chuckled. “You carry a lot of water inside, don’t you sweetie?” Cait looked down blushing. Sean cupped her head in her hand and lifted her face to meet his eyes. “Hey. Children get nervous in new places and pee their pants all the time. You tried, remember? You asked to go pee. You just didn’t make it, little lass. There’s no shame in just not making it—especially because you did ask to go.” Cait reached back to him and hugged him. “Okay.” Eiboline lifted under her shoulders and stepping over the puddle swung her over the puddle and into the bathroom before putting her back on her feet. “Take off your clothes, sweetheart. It’s okay. We said we’ll gladly keep you and we meant it, pet. Just don’t be scared. We’ll clean you up, and then I’ll show you how to clean up the floor, and it will be like it didn’t happen.”

Chapter Five The Tall Grandma-Aunt “There she is. Cait, isn’t it?” her smile was genuine. It wasn’t stretched like she was pretending for a child. It wasn’t forced. It was just there, as if it belonged. “Come on out so I can get a look at you?” Cait looked up at her, down at her dirty skirt and her stained and dingy top. She felt too dirty to be next to this tall very pretty woman with the moving of a queen. But she didn’t want to be rude. She glanced down at the floor by her feet, far enough in and away, she wondered if maybe the woman didn’t see the floor. Maybe she doesn’t see the orange and yellow stains from the two times her writing paper had been ruined by her own stupidity. She looked back up at her. The lady was bent down now, her arms held out for her, like big people often do with kids that are expected to make their way over. Before she started to scoot towards her, she lifted her butt, and looked under it for a wet patch. It didn’t look lighter or darker than the seat. It felt safe. Making sure her skirt back stayed under her… in case any pee stains were visible either on it or her panties, she lifted up and moved and then sat and then did it again. She clutched the crayon box in her hand, and stared up at her as she got to her feet. As she looked down at her dingy brown strapped sandals, her dirty feet that showed through the sandal straps, and her eyes glanced back in the car where she was, afraid all of these things would tell Auntie how bad the trip was for her. There were animal smells out there that made her wrinkle her nose. Did she smell like them? Cait felt like the woman was really looking at her. It was hard to explain. It wasn’t like a test or like she was looking for a mistake. She didn’t tell her to turn so she could check her butt like Daddy did if he thought Cait made another potty mistake. She wasn’t asking her if she had something to say that… in that way… in the Daddy tense way. She was just looking at her for a long moment. “Cait,” she remembered back in February or March when the school had a Science fair, and he and mama took her and her sisters to the Middle school that night. Her Sister, Grainne, the sister that often cleaned her up, made something for it, so they all had to go see it since there was no one to watch the little kids at home. Cait had just gotten out of the car, and Dad wheeled her around without a word, the cigarette bouncing on his lip, and he lifted her skirt right there, and felt her panties. She was dry. But everyone in the parking lot saw the big fourth grader being checked for poop in her panties! That had left a larger (in-flame-ited burning flush, that hurt her eyes,) on her face than anything her body had done until then. “You can let me check out here where no one is paying attention, or we can do it closer to the light. I don’t care,” Daddy bent her over and checked at that time. Cait peeked up through the top of her head at the lady to see if she was frowning, but she still had a smile. The woman seems to be measuring something about her, she didn’t wheel her around and lift her skirt to look for a mess in her panties. Cait tensed her legs and squeezed her legs together hoping she wasn’t going to. She didn’t stare at her crotch trying to decide if a shadow or a darkened spot was pee or not. Cait put her hands in front of her, hoping to cover any deep shadows that peeing might have made on her dress from peeing in her sleep. Eiboline’s gaze did go from her from foot to head, but her eyes rested on Cait’s eyes, not her stained clothes or her crotch where even if the woman didn’t see it, Cait knew that her panties were cooling and clammy from a little pre-pee pee that wanted to start—again, for a third time. She was too scared to tell her she had to go yet, though. The wetness of the earlier little drizzle that stopped before it became a real pee pee pulled at her insides like she knew she was going to get caught even if it was only real pee pee, if it showed and everyone saw the wet…. Especially if it was a puddle on the floor…. Cait knew that was…. Her thoughts were interrupted. “You’ve grown,” the woman whispered. Cait’s feet shuffled on the ground, her left kicking at the ground. She’d grown from last time the woman saw her, a woman she doesn’t remember, a woman that was about to realize she peed her pants in the car, maybe know it happened twice. “The last time I saw you, you were about this big,” and she bent down showing her hand to about half the girl’s height. “Your mama had you in a pram.” Cait looked up and something about the way she was talking to her was different. She wasn’t telling Cait to do something. She wasn’t trying to make her tell her something like she was bad—or something. She was… almost talking to the young girl like… like the lady herself was a kid or… something. Cait shook and looked at the ground, afraid that in some way, she might be breaking the rules. Maybe she made the lady talk to her like this? Grownups are hard to get. “The pram is broken,” Cait whispered. “Oh? Whatever happened to it?” Cait saw the lady stand up and as she did so, she moved her hands towards Cait, but both of her hands cupped her face for a moment, and then moved her hair back around her ears, as if she was trying to see her blue eyes or her freckles. “Last year, my big sisters had to move some big rocks for dad in the field. They used it as a wheel-thingy like you use to move dirt and stuff, and it got stuck and two wheels broke off and then the pushing handle part bent.” The kind woman, with all of her grandma wrinkles in her face, smiled at Cait and nodded. “Well, how about we come inside for some lemonade, pet?” “Pet?” Cait looked up at her frowning. The lady smiled and reached for her back, but Cait stepped back from her and ducked. She didn’t want the pretty, glide-y, almost float-angel woman getting too close. What if Cait smells bad, or Cait might not be clean enough for the woman’s hands to touch? “It’s okay,” the woman walked towards the door in front of Cait and then she opened it. “I’m Sure they told you my name,” she whispered. “But just to make sure, I am Eiboline, your mom’s cousin.” Cait cautiously looked up at her holding the door open. “Cait,” she looked down after telling her name. “Yeah. Daddy says to call you Auntie or Aunt Evie. He says I’m too dumb to get your name right because we practiced, but I can’t say it right.” Eiboline smiled and squatted down to Cait’s height. “Well, a lot of American girls have trouble with Gaelic names. It’s not just you. You grew up over here, but your Mam and I, we grew up in Ireland. Your name is Gaelic, too, you know?” “I wondered about that,” Cait put her finger on her chin. The lady smelled like something with flowers and something like a lemon-thingy. It was a nice smell. It wasn’t Mama’s flower smell, but it was nice. “My classmates always say it since Kindergarten—that I spell my name wrong, and then when they hear my name said, they said ‘meow.’” “Children are imaginative, but no, Cait, your name isn’t Cat, either. The sound is different. When they say meow at you, remind them that they forgot the ‘it’ sound hidden with it. It’s Cah-it, not cat, pet.” Cait looked down. “I don’t think anyone would wait for me. It’s just a name and if they like you, you talk, and if they don’t, they walk away and find someone else.” Cait shrugged like she was saying it didn’t matter. But it did. She knew she was dumb, but she did spell her name right. “I guess I forgot what school was like,” Auntie Eiboline sighed. Cait looked up into her eyes for a moment. She had something shiny at the moment in her eye, and she looked towards the house door. Cait didn’t know why she seemed to have such shiny eyes, but grownups were strange sometimes. “Of course, school might be a little different too, from the old country and this world. Still. Let’s get you that lemonade. American born girls do like lemonade, right?” The young girl nodded and walked in ahead of the aged cousin, definitely understanding why Daddy told her to call her Auntie, out of (be-spect). If Cait had just met her with no telling her what to say, she might call her grandmother. They walked right into an Entrance that had stairs going up to a balcony and then right through to the kitchen and a doorway into the living room from the kitchen. The back door was immediately across from the front door, though the space it took to cross it was definitely a few steps from entering the large hall, past the steps, and through the kitchen. “You have a farm?” Cait looked up at the woman whose hair glowed in the bright kitchen. “I didn’t see any wheat or corn or nothing on the way.” She didn’t say it smelled like something like… she didn’t know a word for it. Two large windows cascaded light into the space in a way that her own home back in Missouri did not. “Yes, we do,” Auntie Evie, wait! That name isn’t her at all. It’s not queen-like like her. Even if her name is hard, Cait decided she’d try to get used to the name of Eiboline. She whispered. Eye-boll-ine? No, that’s not right...” She was nice about Cait’s name, explaining that it didn’t even sound like the animal. The nice Auntie or cousin went on. “Sean, my husband, has been running a Dairy farm from since before I met him. He inherited it from his family.” “Day-lee farm?” Cait looked up at her. As she took in the new word before she tried Auntie’s name again. Aye-ba-ine? That sounds closer. “That’s right. That’s why you don’t see much in the way of grown things. We do grow a few things, actually, but most of the field is for animals. We have mostly cows of course because it is a dairy farm.” The window to the left of the preparation area with the stove and sink really threw the sunlight in the room like it belonged there, and when it glowed on Auntie Eiboline, the lady looked even more queen-like, almost like a fairy queen. In contrast, the nearly windowless kitchen in Cait’s own home never made her mom look good at all. The kitchen at home was dingy. The kitchen table was always cluttered. There were stains on the floor from Cait being Cait, and it smelled almost as much like a bathroom in use as a bathroom; and that was Cait’s fault. “Why don’t you sit, pet?” Eiboline’s voice whispered naturally, as though it had always been soft and easy on the ears. “Don’t you even think about it—fully sitting in that chair?” a dark voice whispered in her ear. “Do you want your aunt to think you want to pee in her chairs like you do at home? Remember, sitting just far enough on the edge that makes you look like you are doing what they tell you gives the pee a better chance of reaching the floor instead of the seat—if it happens again.” “I know,” Cait whispered at her little ghost. “Stop. I know, okay?” Cait sat, carefully, on the edge of the chair, anxious and adjusting herself for the failure she knew would come—probably before Daddy left. She watched as the kind beautiful grace-walking queen poured something from a small jug into a glass—filling it maybe just enough to cover the bottom. The teacher would called it a fraction, but Cait shook her head at the idea of math. She just knew it was less than half, maybe less than a one on a three or maybe even less than a one over four. Or… was that a one over a four is bigger than a one on three? Four is bigger than three. No, if the number on the bottom is bigger and the top number is the same, then it’s small? No, that doesn’t make sense. Cait shrugged. It was a small amount. Then, the grandmother-Auntie-cousin person filled it with water. She held the glass for a moment as she continued to talk to her. “So, how is your mammy doing?” Auntie Eiboline spoke kind of funny, but Cait liked it. It was refreshing, and it sounded more… smart… than other people. “She was sick before. She threw up every day. But now, she’s feeling better. She’s more fat though than I think in the Spring. I know it’s because she has someone inside her, but how do you get a full-sized baby out of a someone who doesn’t even have an extra hole that big on their body?” Cait asked. Auntie smiled and started to hand her the glass of drink after mixing it a moment with a metal spoon. “I looked at my own body. The pee-pee place is barely big enough for peeing to come out, and it seems gross to have a human baby pushing out when you’re pooping. How would that work? You poop your pants, and you get a baby?” Cait was still in mid-thought while she took the glass of juice. Eiboline shook her head and smiled. “Cait,” her smile brightened for a moment. “Youth can be so innocent.” Auntie’s eyes seemed to watch Cait for a moment before she went on. “It’s a little bit hard to explain, and I’m not sure it’s my place to explain it.” Cait frowned. It meets again. Even people who don’t know her, know she’s stupid. Mommy and Daddy will tell them so the little lady doesn’t cause them trouble. “I will tell you, though, that your baby brother or sister will not be pooped out, especially not into your Mama’s pants. Panties couldn’t hold a baby.” “Yeah,” Cait agreed. “It would be really cramped for a baby to be stuck in your panties when it gets borned.” Cait’s finger went into her mouth. She looked seriously at Auntie. “Mommy won a prize, back in December at a school contest!” “She did?” Eiboline saw Cait take a small sip of the lemonade. “Yeah. She made the best pie.” Cait licked her lips. That was really good stuff! How she make it? Cait continued her story, though. “She won twelve jars of strawberry jam, and she won some money, so we all got ice cream to go with the pie that she made for us at home.” “What did your dad think?” “He didn’t like it. He said that the jam they gave us—and even the money mom got—barely paid for the stuff he had to buy. It wasted money, I think.” Eiboline frowned a little, a word on her lips that she seemed to swallow instead. “And your farm is doing all right?” Eiboline asked. “I guess. But we didn’t cut the hay yet.” “You’re late.” Cait shrugged. She didn’t cut the hay so she didn’t care what Daddy was late with. She had food, and clothes, and a house, so if he was late with something, then he had his reasons. I had chapter 5 posted, but it seemed to have been duplicated in the process, so I deleted and reposted it hoping to cut out the duplication.