Ishigreensa

Chapter 100 Panic and Love “Kinsella,” Grandma answered the phone after they got Grace into Front City and Cait had talked both of her big peer people to play with her on the floor. Grace was wearing Grandma’s long night shirt and clean panties. Cait was in overalls and a pink stop, and Shane was wearing some of the clothes they bought him on Tuesday, a pair of jeans and a green tshirt. The three of them had peed before they were home, so Grandma helped Grace actually bathed her. Daddy bathed Cait, and they let Shane do himself because he seemed to want to. “This one is Front City…,” Cait was telling her peers. “It’s Front City because Daddy says I can keep it here, and Grandma never touches it unless it accident. And then they let me fix it because they said I know where it goes, and they don’t, so they just put the blocks that fall out of my town’s place over here for me.” “That’s cool, that they let you keep toys in the living room,” Shane frowned. “That would never work in my house. Too many kids with their own places to play? We wouldn’t have no where to move around.” “I couldn’t put anything in the living room even if my parents wanted to let us,” Grace frowned. “Why?” Cait got into Grace’s lap again. “Because…. I just can’t relax in there anyway. I’d pee my pants and then everyone would see.” “You pee in your living room?” Shane asked. “Yeah, sometimes. But I don’t sit in the living room no more. I don’t want to embarrass my Mom.” “I get that,” Shane sighed. “I don’t like to go with them anywhere in public. What if I pee? But if I pee in the living room and someone comes in, I just run and hide in my room so they don’t have to show their wet kid off, but usually, they call me out anyway. Mom never says… ‘There’s my stupid pee pants kid. It’s just. I feel like I am, though.” Grace nodded. “My mom does say those words, exactly, except to my aunt when she’s cleaning up another mess, she says to me not to even touch. Just get to the bathroom before I make it worse, but I’d already went fully in my pants, but she acts like I’m arguing if I try to tell her, so I just go sit on the toilet my pants up, if I pooped, so I don’t get my stuff all over the toilet seat.” “That’s lonely,” Shane frowned. “My Mom tells me to at least clean up after myself after I pee unless someone knocks. Then she lets me go hide without telling anyone what happened, only my little brother and sisters can’t help telling on me if someone sees it, and they accidentally tell people… oh, um big brother did that on accident.” “My sisters never done that to me or Grainne,” Cait frowned. “My Daddy is kind of strict and makes me keep my mess in one place if I started to pee, or stay in bed and pee there if it’s night. He really strict. The one in Mysery. But my sisters never ever told on me that I peed. Dad even asked them before. Aoibhe is just turning seven in this year… in like November. She puts her thumb in mouth if Daddy asks her if I peed my pants. Roisin looks up at him and says she peed. She wets her pants sometimes. She’s almost eight, in August. But they never told Daddy or no one that Cait ask a dent tally pees her pants…. Assep they telled Grainne. Roisin telled Grainne because Grainne tried to give me a bath before Daddy knowed so I don’t get trouble if he thinkeding I peededing in bad place.” “Wow!” both Shane and Grace mouthed. “Yes,” the kids heard from the kitchen, Grandma talking. “Yes, we took Shane to our house for a bit. We picked him up. We thought he asked you….” “I did ask my mom,” Shane frowned. “There must be a reason she’s calling.” “Oh? Yeah, Grace is here. Oh, her mom? No, I don’t have her phone number. Yeah. Okay….” Grandma was still talking. “My mom found my bed, and now she found me…,” Grace pulled her legs tightly together. “I know that position,” Shane told Grace. “Cait, she’s scared. She’s about to pee.” “I know. I know that look, too. We both do it, right, Shane?” Grace’s face got red. “Just pee,” Cait rubbed her back. “I promise. It’s okay.” “I don’t have to pee. I promise. I just did it in the car not long ago. Remember?” “How come you look like you’re gonna pee then?” Cait asked. “Grace? What’s wrong? “Nothing.” Cait stood up. “I not telling on you to get you trouble,” Cait told Grace. “You scared. I need help. I sorry.” She ran out the back door, and towards the sign and started waving at Daddy. “Daddy!” she yelled. Daddy held up a finger that Cait understood. He wanted her to wait. He was always careful with her, making sure she didn’t go too far from her own pen without him being there in case of snakes or other things. Cait sighed when she looked up at him as he approached. “Grace in like pee going to pee her pants scared way, but she not peeing, Daddy. She scared. I think Grandma talking Shane mom, and Grace mom trying to find, and Grandma has to call Grace mom, and she getted really scared. She need strong Daddy hands and Daddy ‘Now’ to tell her it okay if she lets out and pee her pants. She scared.” Sean picked Cait up. “Let’s go see how your friends are, hon. You are really starting to get it. You get help when you can’t talk it out. That’s the right thing, Cait. And you don’t just yell your friend’s problem at me. You wait for me to get close enough you can tell me privately. And those idiots in Missouri called you stupid! They don’t know what stupid is, baby. You know there are a lot of kids your age that read a lot better than you, but they don’t know any better than to yell out things like this.” “Shane said his brother and sisters do that.” “Well, that’s normal kid behavior. It’s not that they are stupid, either, Cait. It’s that YOU are smart, baby.” He walked into the house and put her on her feet in the kitchen. Then he approached the living room. He frowned when he saw Shane sitting there quietly just rubbing Grace’s arm, and Grace was shaking like there was a snake-ghost and poop in her panties and none of it was really there. “Gracie?” he whispered. “Come on over to Uncle, hon.” “Uncle?” “Yes, little lady. It’s time you learned what Uncles do when teenagers need help.” “I didn’t do it, I promise.” “Didn’t do what?” Daddy asked raising an eyebrow. “I didn’t poop my panties. I promise.” “No one said you did, sweetheart. That’s not what I think you need help with. If it was, I’d have Aunt Eiboline take you to the bathroom to clean you up. Even teenagers need help when they poop their pants, sweetheart.” “I don’t….” “Non-sense, baby,” Daddy motioned her over. “Just because you don’t get help at home sometimes when you poopy your panties, it doesn’t mean you don’t need it. Poopy is really hard on a big growing kid. It hurts not just that it’s hard to clean all the way by yourself, but it hurts your heart and makes you feel things no kid should ever feel sitting alone.” Grace finally moved and stood up. “You don’t care about holding me? What if I pee my pants on accident?” “Cait pees a lot on accident. It’s because you three have hurt insides, not just physical hurts, but emotional ones. You can’t stop peeing or pooping your panties as long as you are emotionally hurt, little girl. You need to feel safe. Until then, you are not going to stop going potty in your pants.” “That’s not what Auntie says… mom’s sister!” “Auntie is wrong, baby. She might not know better. But you come over here, and if you need, you pee on your new uncle. I don’t mind, baby girl.” “Go on,” Cait pushed her. “That why I got Daddy. He fixes your feeling. He can’t make you stop pooping your pants, but he can make you feel like you should feel instead of making you always hurt your own feelings more.” Grace looked at Shane. “I’m not judging, Grace. Hell, maybe I… I would like a hug. This house… it’s not a regular people, but I like them, Grace. They are nice.” Grace was shaking. Cait took her hand and walked her over and helped her get into Daddy’s lap. “You’re allowed to poop your pants in Daddy’s lap, if you do it, or if your body does it…. I do it. I don’t tell no body. Only Shane knows if you potty your panties ask a dent or not ask a dent, we don’t care. Right, Shane?” “Yeah. It’s no one’s business if the Kinsellas help us feel not scared and feel it’s okay to pee our pants sometimes.” Eiboline came into the living room, and she saw Sean sitting in his usual seat, holding the teenager, and rocking her. “No shame here, hon. No shame.” Cait ran over to Grandma. “She scared, Grandma. We heard you talking Shane’s mom. We know Grace mom looking for her, and she started acting scared like she’ll poop in front of a bunch my Mysery Daddies, but no pee was even coming on the floor… so I got Daddy.” “That’s exactly what you do, hon.” Grandma walked over and squatted by the chair. She touched Grace’s arm. “Sweetheart? I have to call your mom, but I didn’t want to do it until I told you. She’s pretty worried about you. Shane’s mom said she just saw your bed wet and then you were gone. No one knows where you went, so she started trying to call people of your playgroup. She didn’t know our number, so she asked Shane’s mom to call us for her.” “Mom’s gonna hate me!” Grandma sighed. “I’m sorry, hon. I know how scary it can be to tell someone you peed the bed at sixteen years old. It’s really hard, and I guess Shane’s mom knows you pee your pants at school all the time?” “I pooped my pants yesterday at Aunt’s house before group. Well, I did worse. I pooped my pants babysitting my little cousins but in public, and when we got home…. My Aunt told me I didn’t earn money for babysitting three hours because… my stupid body pooped at the park!” Grandma frowned. “You babysat for three hours and they ripped you off because you had an accident?” Grace nodded. “Fucker!” Cait whispered. “Now,” Daddy put a hand on her head. “That’s her mom and aunt, Cait. Be careful, hon.” “My Daddy in Mysery is a fucker.” “Not all kids can say that easily, Cait. Be respectful of Grace’s feelings, okay?” “Sorry.” Eiboline frowned. “Cait is right, though, Sean. That’s no way to treat a child that spent her free time trying to control kids especially when she has her own uncontrollable problems.” “I know,” Sean sighed. “I want to give the child what she should have gotten, Sean. With your permission?” “Go ahead, Eiboline. She deserves that much.” “Cait, go get Grandma’s purse in the kitchen, okay? And let’s show Grace that it’s okay to love her mom and Aunt but still correct a wrong.” “Okay.” She ran to get the purse. “No. I don’t want your money,” Grace whispered. “I didn’t say it so you’d give me nothing.” “I know that,” Grandma whispered. “It’s not about the money, hon. It’s about the principal. You worked your little butt off, and just because a child had an accident, they decide not to pay you for giving up an afternoon after they promised you money. It’s the justice, sweetheart, and the fact we have the money. This isn’t us giving you what you deserve, sweetie…. It’s the universe telling you that God loves you and he saw what happened, and now, he’s telling you that it was wrong you didn’t get paid.” “That happens all the time.” “I’m sorry,” Grandma frowned. “God can’t tell us what to do. If he did, he would go against his own word, that he says we choose good and evil. But what he did do, was put you in our laps to show you it’s wrong to treat a little lady like that. If I ask you to babysit Cait, poop in your panties or not, you’ll get the money we promise you, hon.” Grandma gave her three ten dollar bills. “I was only supposed to get twenty,” Grace tried to push the last ten back at Grandma. “Well…. I didn’t make the contract for babysitting, did I?” Grandma asked. “If I needed Cait babysat, I’d give you a minimum of ten per hour, not that Cait is a hard girl to control, but because a teenager on her summer break, shouldn’t get jipped when she’s giving up her summer playtime to help someone out by babysitting. So… this is ten dollars an hour, same as I’d pay you if I asked you to watch Cait.” “I… I don’t know what to say.” “Say you’ll babysit for us if we ever need it?” “Okay.” “And say you’ll call us instead of just running away the next time you wet the bed and get scared, or poop your pants and get scared. A child shouldn’t be alone when she’s that scared, child.” “I… I guess?” Grandma pushed the last ten back into Grace’s hand. “I have to call your mom. Are you okay with that?” “Yeah. I have to face her sometime.” “You can face her at our house, baby. Matter of fact, when she gets here, the three of you go upstairs and play with Cait in her bedroom. Just be careful of my Shrine to Ron. Cait knows why. Or better yet, Cait? You take your friends to play in your yard with the horses if you want.” “Okay. And if one of them pees?” “They can stay wet just long enough for us to talk to Grace’s mom. I forbid her mom to see Grace until she’s ready to listen to her anyway, especially if Grace has a mess in her pants. Okay, Grace?” “Okay.” Then Grace turned and hugged Daddy even tighter. “If you goed potty your pants, Grace, you can tell Grandma.” “I didn’t. I promise.” “Now,” Daddy rubbed her back. “Cait, let her alone. She can tell you, or you can get help if you see it show. Stop talking about it though. She’s older and it hurts her a lot because no one’s allowed it before. Let her just feel safe, okay?” “I’m sorry, Grace. I still learning how. That’s why I got Daddy. He knows how to make you feel good inside, right?” Grace smiled softly and nodded. “Yeah. I don’t think I’m scared to tell him if… if I do it.” “You can just go get him, then. But always look at the ground if you run out in the field, and better yet, take Shadow with you if you go get him. Snakes out there, but Shadow won’t let you run into one if you listen to him growl and you stop as soon as he does it. He can’t fight a snake… he can… but I don’t want him to. He might die if a snake bited him. But he can tell us it safe or not it safe isn’t.” Grace smiled. “Okay.” “Come on, Shane. Come on, Grace. We go see Summerstone. He my horse.” “Can you ride him?” “He only a baby. No one can ride him yet because it hurt him. He too young. But if you know what you doing and Daddy say so, you might can ride Ginger. Ginger his mommy.” “Not Ginger,” Daddy frowned. “Ginger still needs to look after Summerstone. I do have horses you can ride, though, if you wanted.” Cait got summerstone out of the stable and Sean got Ginger, and they guided them to Cait’s pen. “Daddy made this yard just for me. He and Grandma worried me and know I like outside, so they said I can play in here. See?” She walked the to the side of the pen and pointed down at exposed chicken wire… that’s what Daddy called it. It went up to the first board on the fence. “It keeps the snakes out. Not really, but it gives them a choice to take an easier path or they have to work harder to get inside here. It keeps some out, but we still look around before we just start playing to make sure. And anyway we got Ginger. If Ginger knows there a snake, she start getting upset and Shadow would growl. So I know there no snake.” “Wow! You know a lot,” Shane whispered. “Just only what Daddy told me.” “You love him a lot,” Grace said. “And he… he just lets you pee on him… like he told me to pee my pants if I felt like it?” “Yeah. Even if I pooted, he put me in his lap, and if I started to pee again, he hold me tight so I don’t run away scared, and he tell me it just water… just rain water. You don’t drink it, but it is just water. It doesn’t hurt.” Grace smiled. “Did you pee your pants in front of them yet?” she asked Shane. “Tuesday,” he reminded her he told her already. “Twice. They got me clean stuff for when I visit. That’s why they had clean clothes when we got here and I peed in the car, remember?” “Oh,” Grace’s face went red. “I… I was….” “You were hurted,” Cait hugged her. “You didn’t see what no one else did because you scared we mad you peed your pants. But now, you know we don’t mad, okay?” The children sat down on the ground, and talked some more. They laid on their backs and looked up at the clouds, telling each other what they saw. They had a quiet while before the house door opened again. Cait sat up. “Cait, you and your friends play a little longer. I am just getting Daddy. Grace’s mom brought the police, so you kids stay here, and let us adults handle this. Kids… you just pee your pants if you need the bathroom. I don’t want you going into yelling adults. We’ll get you when things calm down.” Cait nodded. “We will.” Shane nodded. “We’ll hold Grace in a hug until she pees her pants if we need to.” Grace frowned. “You’d hug me, Shane… even if I was peeing myself?” “Ye… yeah? I mean. You need help until you get it, right? I… I needed to learn to trust them. You don’t know yet. You just… you need to know it’s okay. Accidents here are okay, and Cait showed us yesterday at group, even just to do it so it doesn’t bother us no more is okay, too.” “Yeah,” Cait frowned. “Don’t think it like you choose it. Think it like… if you have to do it, then you can choose to do it how you want, and let who you want see you do it. It doesn’t mean you want poopy panties… it just means, you want only those you trust to know it happened.” Grace looked at Cait for a minute. Well, it was a long long minute. It was like… Cait said something. Then she started to pee her pants. Cait hugged her and peed her pants, too. Grace sighed. “Thank you, both,” she puts both her hands on Shane, Shane so much younger than her… being closer to Grainne’s age, but still bigger than Cait and understanding the act of Grace being sixteen and doing this and what it took to finally admit she was holding it too long. “You’re my peer-sister, right? I mean, I and Cait were paired, but Vance said yesterday, that the group is for us to help everyone. Pairs… just makes sure no one is alone, but it doesn’t mean we not allowed to help someone else.” “Yeah,” Grace looked down. “I… I been going to the meeting and even when I pooped my pants in class… I was always scared everyone was laughing and pointing at the pathetic high school kid… just pooping her pants like… like….” “No!” Cait told Grace. “Don’t you dare finish that words! You not pooping like whatever you were going to say. You poop your pants because you had to go too bad, and you scared to move because you already peeing! I know it. I do the same at school all fourth grade, when I felt almost to poot my panties…. It always started with too much peed, and I scared to move because everyone laugh, and then the poop just goes.” Grace frowned. “You pooped your pants at school last year?” “Yeah. And I get made fun. The teacher said I grow up. The nurse mad and say I always do this. No one my side. And suddenly, at summer, Daddy at farm need to get a job in town and big sisters can’t help me because I … I called myself names. And then these other kids… Billy and Ruth and the whole Sunday School at Daddy’s church… almost all them… I pooped my pants, and they hugged me. I was loved, and Billy… he going to be sixth grade… he said don’t call his sister’s best friend names when I said what you were going to say.” Grace frowned. “He was right. Those words. They worse than anything you can say that adults usually mad. They worse than saying fucker. That’s why I say fucker when something make me mad. Because it doesn’t hurt like… stupid and baby and other mean things kids say when they can’t understand you don’t want to wear poop in your pants.” “Yeah.” Grace frowned. “I guess… fucker doesn’t sound like it’s a judgment… well, not like those other words.” “So you stop calling my friend Grace those other mean words, please?” Cait asked. “Okay. But I… I still go potty my pants.” “Me, too. That part is okay. Just not the words that make you feel alone not okay.” Cait and Shane quietly held Grace as she eventually pooped her pants. “You know what?” Cait frowned at Grace. “How about you come Sunday school wit me. I show you Billy, and you sit with him. He won’t be mean if you pee your pants, and he’ll tell the whole sixth graders not to pick on you to read if you potty-pants or you can’t read. He did for me. And the sixth graders. They listened him, not because he boss, but because they think like him. You don’t hurt hurting people.” “I don’t know,” Grace frowned. “My mom might get mad if I go to another church.” “How people your church say if you pee your pants?” Grace looked down. “Just like my Daddy in Mysery church. That wrong church to tell you what Jesus see you. You come our church, Grace. I promise. It hurt lesser than you think.” “I can’t.” Cait sighed. “Okay. But I love you.” The kids laid back and watched clouds and spoke a little bit about this and that… like what color they thought the moon really was, or if clouds are really just water drops in the sky like Science says. By the time Grandma walked out the door, Shane has peed, and Cait had peed a second time, but the kids just walked up to Grandma. “We did what you said,” Cait whispered. “Grace ask a dent tally….” “No, I didn’t Cait. I… I chose to poop when I wanted. I pooped because where I was, you and Shane didn’t scare me. I didn’t want to poop in front of my mom.” Cait shrugged. “She ask a dent tally didn’t want her mom to see her poop her pants.” Grandma took Grace’s hand. “We face her together, child. It’s okay.” The police were gone. Only a woman sat on the sofa that Cait didn’t know. She looked up at Daddy, and Daddy picked Cait up and put her in his lap. He hugged her in his chair. The woman saw Sean holding Cait in peed pants, but then, Daddy reached his hand to Shane, and he guided him to sit right next to him, his wet pants touching Daddy. “These are kids.” Eiboline directed Grace to her mom, and she lifted her a little, it was hard for her, and she put Grace in the woman’s lap. “That’s your child, woman. Hold her and feel her.” Cait could see Grace shaking. “Your sister, though she might think your child is not perfect and maybe you shouldn’t let your child sit your sisters’ children if she’s going to withhold pay just for an accident… you saw what it does if you take your sister’s side. Your child ran away from home. What if she didn’t have someone to call? What if someone bad gotten her? You would regret it. Trust me.” The woman was crying. “Baby? I don’t care if you pee the bed. I really don’t. Don’t ever run away like that again. Please!” “You always on Aunt’s side. I always have to babysit them. No one even listened why I couldn’t get to the bathroom and pooped my pants. You just… I… I know I’m stupid!” Cait started to move like she was going to tell Grace to stop that, but Daddy patted her back and when she looked up at him, he put a finger to his lips. “Shhh. Listen, baby.” “Yeah. You told your friends why you pooped your pants?” “They listened. That boy…,” she pointed her finger at Shane. “He held me when I pooped my pants outside just now, and he held me until I went all the way, and he and Cait told me…. I’m not doing it on purpose. I’m just choosing if I have to, who gets to see me do it, people that love me, or people that will be mean to me… and it’s true, this time, I chose to poop my pants so they saw, not you.” “You don’t think I love you?” “It’s not that you don’t love… it’s that… they understand. Cait poops for the same reasons, kind of, that I do. Because it’s already going to come out… and I can’t wait no more. But now, Cait does it when she feels the least scared to do it, instead of in front of people that are mean to her. I want to do what Cait does. But you’ll get mad and yell at me if I do that. I am sixteen. I’m supposed to wait… only I can’t!” Grace was crying now. “Gracie…. I just want you to be healthy and to be a teenager.” “That’s the problem,” Shane frowned. “You want her to be a teenager. You don’t see her as your kid first, so she can’t tell you if she has troubles. Like I can’t tell my parents because I’m the oldest at home. In this house, they don’t tell Cait to grow up or to be a big kid. They tell her she is a big kid, and they tell her what she does right… even when she’s got peed pants on.” The woman looked at Shane sidewise. Shane flinched. Daddy patted his side. “And as you can see, he flinches if you look at him wrong. He’s been conditioned the same way you condition your daughter. And I’ll tell you something else. Teenagers don’t poop like that if they can help it. You need to have her see a doctor and you need to encourage her to feel safe going in her pants first, so you can work on healing her. You don’t do it the other way around.” “Our leader at group yesterday lost his kid,” Cait whispered. “His girl was Grace age. That what he said. She drowned on purpose with weights on her hands and feet because kids at school called her names, and no one on her side, and she can’t tell no one because no one gets her. And it got too much even she drink no water at school at all, even she tried to do drugs that someone said help her not pee in daytime. She did finally diapers, and someone at school found out and told, and then she killed… just like it. If you think Grace run away bad? You think if you want Grace died because no one listen. I told Grace go church me Sunday. I have safe church. No one said Cait bad girl. Sunday School teacher hugged me and let my friends get my Daddy to change me. My friends, Billy a year older me and his sister a year younger me… they take me to daddy. Whole stupid fifth graders table blocked the bathroom when Billy took me bathroom because I scared I pooping my pants. My church doesn’t hurt hurt people. You let her come and feel love my church. Not because she has to believe our words, but she just feel the safe of my friends and my Sunday School. You let her come. She feel assepted.” “Your little cousin doesn’t talk like a kid going into fifth gra….” “Stop it, mom,” Grace turned around still in her poopy pants, but she looked in her mom’s face. “She talks just fine. Her words are messed up, but her heart is not.” The woman got quiet for a moment. “If take her to your church, this Sunday, and let her go to Sunday School with Cait, she’s not being converted.” “Conversion is not something of words,” Sean frowned. “It’s heart. If you have strong beliefs, and your daughter learned them as good beliefs, she will not be converted just because she finds friends that love her as she is. It’s just a safe place then, not a place where she seeks God. However, she is a thinking Soul. If your church didn’t speak truth to her soul, you cannot blame anyone for her lack of faith in it except the church’s judgment and your own ignorance in your child’s hurting.” The woman sighed. “You’re right. Grace. If you want to stay the weekend with these people and come to their church on Sunday, I won’t stop you. If you want to go home but still go to their church, I won’t stop you. You do what you feel safe doing.” “I… want to spend tonight with Cait’s family. Then… make up my mind tomorrow about church and staying the next night. I mean. Only if Mom is okay with that. I didn’t mean to be bad and run away. I just… I thought you were finally tired of me and wanted me gone anyway.” “No, baby.” “Prove it to her,” Eiboline told the woman. “Take your child to the bathroom, and wash her as if she was eight years old again, in a car too long, and pooped her pants. Don’t treat her like an eight year old, just give her the same understanding you would an eight year old. If you can’t do that….” Eiboline frowned. “It shows you need help, too.” “Wash a teenager?” “Yes. Come child. Auntie Eiboline will clean you up now. You are scared, sad, and need help in this state. No teen should have to change dirty pants on their own like this.” The woman watched Eiboline guiding her daughter, who crawled out of her mom’s lap with a sad look back, and then she took Grandma’s hand, and they walked up the stairs to the bath together. “You need some family therapy,” Sean told the woman. “I see it in your eyes. You love her, but you don’t get her. If you want to make a connection with her, you need help.” “Maybe.” “It’s not that you are bad,” Sean whispered. “My wife’s cousins…. I want to suggest the same to them, but they won’t listen. They aren’t ready. But are you?” “I don’t know.” The woman stood up. “I’ll call her tomorrow to see if she’s staying the night or coming home if that’s okay.” “We’ll have your daughter call you by noon if you forget. You have a lot to think about. You are not perfect. Children don’t need perfect parents. They just need parents to hold them when they aren’t perfect.” After Grace’s mom left, Sean squatted down to Shane. “As for you, it’s up to you. You’re just wet, son. I can help you, or you can do it yourself. If you poop, I do it though. You understand? You will not be alone if you poop your pants.” Shane nodded. “I can clean up when I pee.” “Okay. You can clean up after I clean Cait up. I would normally let Guests clean up first, but Cait has a health issue.” “Yeah, I didn’t miss that. I would have said I don’t need a bath if you didn’t let Cait go next anyway.” “You’re a good boy,” Sean patted his shoulders. “Come on, Shane. I’ll show you my bedroom now. Only the bed might smell. I pee the bed.” “I do, too Cait. I won’t mind.” “And never touch the stuff on the dresser. That’s Grandma’s stuff. I’ll explain when you both can hear. It’s a shrine to someone.” “Okay.” Chapter 101 Cait Talks to Harmony, Honestly Cait walked up and looked in the bathroom on Grandma. “Can I come in?” Cait felt a tightening of her chest and a fluttery in the stomach. It was a feeling, something that was a little new. She didn’t know what it was. It pulled at her inside of her chest and it pushed at the inside of her stomach. Why was she there? Why did it matter if she saw Grace wearing poopy panties? She couldn’t explain. “Cait, hon. This is a priv….” Grace whispered. “No, Grandma Kinsella. No. This is a private space because Cait made it one. Let her come in.” “Are you sure?” “At home, I’d have had privacy, but only because I’d be lonely. Cait made me safe. She got Shane when I asked. She got you to talk to my mom. She is one of my safe people. I don’t think all safe people have to be big. They just have to know what to do.” Grandma nodded. “You’ll be okay?” “I promise…. You’re nice, but without Cait, you wouldn’t be making me feel okay with this. I trust her.” Cait walked in. “I’ll show you what my friend teached me.” And she reached up, and she touched Grace’s still poop on leg, and she whispered. “My friend. I don’t let go.” Grandma put Grace’s messy off of her and put her clean wash all over her, and then she let me get in the bath with Grace, and I pulled myself into her lap. “You allowed to pee in the water, only if you want to or you feel you can’t do nothing else. I don’t care. You can pee. I promise.” Grace smiled. “I already went all the way in my pants.” “I know. I just saying… if we taking a bath, you can pee in the water. It’s just water, and we can remake a bath. We can’t remake the heart.” Grace hugged Cait. “You, too. You can pee in the bath… if you want.” “I don’t want to right now. I want to enjoy Grace and quiet. You my friend.” The one thing Cait remembered that her dad did when he first dropped her off there with Grandma and Daddy. He left. He didn’t wait for Cait to catch up, she only saw him driving away. Her clothes forgotten in the back trunk of the car, so she thought she had nothing to even wear. And then, she saw Grace’s mom do something different. A knock at the bathroom door showed Grace’s mom was there. She had a small overnight thing, that’s what the big people called it. An overnight… she didn’t know what exactly, but it was like a small suitcase. She put on the floor, as if she knew Grace would pick staying the night for at least one night. Grandma looked to the door as Grace’s mom talked really low. So low, that it was like a whisper, but it wasn’t airy like a whisper. “Grace. I packed a few things so you won’t be without clothes. I put something on the top, but if you wear them is between you and the Kinsellas. They are just there, in case you want to not… well… you know what? I just put them there. It’s your choice.” Grace frowned and Cait looked back at Grace’s mom. Her face was red. Grace’s mom’s lip was trembling. Her hands shook as she push the case into the bathroom. “We’ll call tomorrow, okay? I do love you, Grace. I’m glad you are here. You are safe. That’s important.” Cait looked up at Grace who had her eyes doing this really fast blinking. Tears were running down her face. Maybe Grace’s mom finally gets her. “I’ll call tomorrow, mama,” Grace almost sounded a few years younger the way she said it, but Cait didn’t tell her that. Cait put her thumb in her mouth. She’s not going to call Grace a baby. “I can’t promise I won’t wet the bed,” Grace whispered to Cait. “I can promise… that I will wet the bed,” Cait told Grace. “I don’t wear diapers. I don’t like it and Grandma never put me. If you stay the night, you sleeping my bed, so I pee on you. You allowed to pee on me, too.” Grace smiled. “Okay.” Cait looked up at Grandma. “Let her get out first and put clothes on in the bedroom. Daddy sees me naked. Let her have pribasee so she feels good because she bigger girl, and I can talk Daddy, and he can put clothes me. Anyway, my medicine.” Eiboline shook her head. “I’m sorry, Grace. I… I need Sean to see this. You need to be taken care of. You said you have itchy-ditches, and now I see it. This is bad, hon. So I need Sean to see.” “Why?” “We have medicine, but it’s Cait’s. It helps with this, but if we use Cait’s medicine to help you, well, Sean and I never spend money without talking about it first. So, he needs to understand why I’d use Cait’s medicine, and why we’d need to talk to a doctor about getting more.” “I don’t need….” “Nonsense, child. You are not staying with us and suffering. That’s not how we do, here.” “He’s going to see?” “Only enough to understand the need to use the medicine.” “Oh. Um. Okay.” “Sean! Get up here, and tell Shane to stay out of the bathroom, please! This is… serious!” Sean came in, and then Grandma moved. “Damned! That’s worse than what we noticed with Cait.” “Yeah,” Grandma sighed. “So?” “You want to use Cait’s medicine on her?” “Yeah?” “You take care of that little lady,” Sean frowned. “Do what you know is right. I’ll just go so I don’t embarrass her any more.” And Daddy reached his arms at Cait, and carried Cait out of the bathroom with him. “You know you are both girls,” Sean told Cait. “You could just let Grandma dress you in the bedroom while Grace….” “No. Daddy. I don’t have to hear the word to know that woman packed diapers. She was uncomfortable and Grace looked really like she wanted to die when her mom said something on top. I know the feel of a diaper word without hearing the word. I got told secret like that when I first go school in first grade! I know the words. I know the feel. I know the look. Grace was about to cry I find out. I don’t want her know I know yet. She tells me when she safe, not I find out on her against her wanting it.” Sean frowned. “She talked like that in front of you and Eiboline?” “She didn’t say diapers. She using people who don’t know diapers don’t know words, but I also see Grace face. Her face say she never wear diapers before. It not right I see her have to wear one… and I hope she choose not to, but it still her idea to make, and she my friend if she wear it or not.” Daddy patted her butt and whispered. “You are exactly the friend Grace needs.” Cait smiled at Shane when he looked down and his face blushed. Daddy was carrying her. She had Kooks, and she had her clothes tightly in her hands. She didn’t care. She was safe. Okay, maybe ten year old kids don’t get seen by friends without clothes, but then society picks on kids for things they don’t want to do. What’s more wrong? Shane sees her, or she embarrasses Grace when Grace has to think… Do I want a diaper. Even if Cait saw the diapers, and she chose not to wear one… Cait frowned. “I still know what her mom wanted even if she disobeyed it. And if she put it on… It not fun her. I am little kid. Shane has little kid sisters. He said so. He had to see them sometimes not clothes on.” She whispered to Shane. “I’m just your peer-sister. You don’t have to care you see. Just don’t look Grace on her. Okay?” Shane looked over while Daddy was putting her panties on her. “Okay. I promise. I could just go in the kitchen, if your Daddy doesn’t mind and get some water. You know… so you have a minute.” “Shane?” Daddy said sternly. “Uncle Sean, son. To you…, you can call me Uncle Sean if you are afraid of calling me Sean without a title. You are part of Cait’s world, and anything that protects Cait, is related to our care for her.” “Yes sir.” “And going to get some juice for you and Cait and even Grace would be a great reason to excuse yourself. You may do so. Glasses are on the right side of the sink in the cupboard. Juice mix is in the fridge, and you put a little in the glass, and then fill it with water.” “Okay.” Then Daddy dressed me. “We’ll put the medicine on you once Grandma is done with Grace, okay?” I hugged him. “Okay.” When Grace came down in pajamas, a long sleeping shirt and Cait heard the strange plastical noise of the panties she had on, and saw her red face, she ran over fully dressed in her own pajamas, and she hugged her around the waist. “You’re my big peer sister, Grace. I love you.” Grace smiled, and the red in her face seemed to get a little light. Shane handed her a glass of juice. “Here. Uncle Sean says you can have some.” “I… I best not. I pee the bed…,” she whispered. “You’re allowed here, hon,” Daddy told her. “You drink the juice, and if you wet the bed, it’s Uncle Sean’s fault, not yours. Besides, it’s like five in the evening. Even if we thought cutting off water would stop something like that, it’s way too early. You didn’t even have dinner yet, child.” She looked down. “I try not to drink too much even in the day. That way….” “That’s why your skin looks the way it does, child. You don’t ignore thirst. It makes you sick. Now, if you been avoiding drink like that, and that’s why you have ‘itching-the-ditches on your body, then you don’t ignore drinks in my house. You drink even at night, and you pee the bed, hon. It’s just water.” “But it’s bad.” “Say people that don’t understand,” Sean frowned. “You ignore those idiots. You hear me, sweetheart? Anyone that would shame you for drinking enough water are not worth your time.” “But at school…,” she started to cry. Daddy ran over and pulled her to the chair and pulled her into his lap. “School is very cruel sometimes. I get it. That doesn’t mean it’s a good idea to hurt your health though, little girl.” “Shane, go take a shower, okay?” Daddy said. “We have clothes for you. And put on some that you can go out in. We do have to take Cait to Harmony.” “Oh, I thought…,” Grace frowned. “You’re okay, hon. You don’t have to change unless you want to,” Daddy told her. “There’s nothing wrong if you want to wear pajamas out. They cover you just fine. Shane… well, boys tend to sleep a little more free, and he can’t go out that way.” Shane smiled. “Yeah. Actually. Mom is probably worried. Can you take me home on the way to Cait’s appointment.” “Sure.” Shane went up and Cait looked up at Grace. “You a big kid. You more comfortable in regular stuff outside. You can change my bedroom. I don’t go up unless you say you feel okay.” “Why?” “You’re big. Big people don’t like little kids like me looking at them when they change. It’s just a big people thing, I think.” Cait knew she was lying. She was trying to invent a cover story so Grace didn’t have to show she was wearing diapers. “Cait?” Grace looked into my eyes. “I know there’s another reason. I have 2 little cousin boys and 1 little cousin girl, and I know one thing. Okay, the older boy is only eight, but you… you are hiding something. Out with it.” “I… It’s private.” “Private for you, or for me?” Cait looked down. “You know I’m in a diaper. I can hear it every time I move and so can you and Shane.” Cait looked down. “I don’t think Shane heard. It’s not that easy to know unless you know what it sounded like. I hate them. And you… you sounded scared I’d know when your mom said a secret word… but I know that words. I be member the think of let’s hide Cait pee her pants at school.” Grace sighed. “Yeah. I never wore them before. Mom just….” “It not your mom choice here, Grace. It you choice. I told you I pee on you. I not wearing a diaper. You don’t wear a diaper. Or you wear one. It is only you who say it. Not me. And I promise, not my Daddy or my Grandma, too.” Grace frowned. “Well… I have to….” Sean got up. “You are wearing a diaper because you have to?” he demanded? Grace flinched and move back a little. “No, little lady. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you. I meant it’s not going to help you. If you have a diaper on because you ‘have to,’ then you take that garbage off right now, little lady. We don’t wear things just because some one who doesn’t understand says so. You wear what you want for comfort. You understand, hon?” Grace looked up. “But your bedding?” “Cait will pee the blankets anyway. It’s not a big deal. It will have to be washed. That’s what happens when you have a body that does it’s own thing sometimes. You don’t hurt the kid. You wash the sheets, child. Even if that child is sixteen years old, you hear?” “Yeah.” “Good. Go upstairs, put on something comfortable and put on panties like the little young lady you are. If you pee in public, we just bring a change of pants for you. No harm, sweetheart.” “Okay.” Less than an hour later, Cait had medicine on her, Grace was in clean clothes and panties that didn’t sound plasticly, and Shane was trying to make Cait laugh in the car with silly words he put together like…. ‘Peanut butter and ants sandwiches.’ Even Grace was starting to laugh. It had been quite a day for Cait, and she leaned against Grace sucking her thumb. “Can I be a baby for a little while?” she asked Grace. “What do you mean?” Cait pulled out her thumb, showed Grace, and put it back in her mouth. “I don’t see anything babyish happening. I see a peer that’s just relaxing. You spent the last several hours protecting me and getting me help. You earned whatever makes you happy, little peer.” Cait cuddled against her. “I love my two big peers… my brother Shane and my sister Grace.” Then…. Cait was in a small office with Harmony and Grandma. “Good evening, Cait,” Harmony smiled her usual friendly greeting. “Yeah?” Cait looked up at her. “Why you say it good?” “You’re here. You’re not scared somewhere, thinking about doing something that could hurt.” “Yeah? But I got my Grandma. Some people don’t got no one.” Harmony frowned. “Go on, Cait. You can talk.” “Did you know a high school kid can commit kill herself because they feel sad?” “Yes, hon. That’s call suicide.” “Sue I side sounds make up,” Cait frowned. “It doesn’t sound like kill. It sounds not something. It sounds. I don’t know what. It’s not strong like kill.” “Well, adults take it seriously.” “Okay. But kids don’t eben get this word. It just a word becuz we don heared it too much.” “You don’t hear about it because parents often protect kids from violence that causes it.” “If adults protect kids from bio lance, why come someone can put weight on body and drop in a pool because kids mean, parents don’t hear, and schools don’t care?” Harmony frowned and sighed. “Parents try, Cait. We don’t always know what is going on.” “Yeah? Why come my daddy mad just because Grainne peed her pants dinner, but Daddy who is Grandma house band lets me pee all time in his lap? My mysery Daddy not protetin no body. He maked Grainne scared to poop while work outside, so Grainne get waterpoops like me.” Harmony frowned. “Vance girl is died. My friend. I don’t say name. I don’t mean her. But she scared, she try run away. But My Daddy help her when she called my house for help her. Why come her mommy no help? Why come a high school kid give up playtime, but lose promise pay when she put long time in take out her playtime, just because she make a one mistake that don’ted hurt people?” “Hon. It’s confusing not just for kids. Lots of adults don’t understand these reasons, either. It’s….” Harmony sighed. “I think we should work on Cait in our sessions, Cait. Your friends need help, but these sessions are to help you.” “Okay. But my friends hurt, then I hurt.” “Well, sweetheart, if you want to help others, then first, you need to understand who you are, and how you need help first. If you can show others you can talk about your ghost, and you can talk about your worries and your feelings you think you are bad sometimes…. The stronger you can do that, the easier for other kids to listen. If enough kids can say it strong enough, then sometimes, people do hear.” “Why come only sometimes?” Harmony frowned. “There are a lot of reasons that even if I wanted to, I couldn’t explain, Cait. What is important, is what people do about it. And right now, people don’t really do anything. They say… let’s teach kids not to do drugs, but drugs have nothing to do with what you are talking about. Some companies make teen diapers, but diapers don’t make parents listen. I don’t know how to make people listen. I just teach people to speak for themselves, and hope their words reach people that help them.” “That is more truth than any teacher tells kids,” Cait said. “My teacher said once at me… kids don’t need to get it. Just do what you told. I was like third grade. I don’t be member what was question, but I learned don’t ask teacher something that not school stuff.” Harmony frowned. “I’m sorry you learned that. Not all teachers are like that.” Cait looked up at her. “But there are teachers that let kids say bad things and then high school kids go get killed on their own way.” Harmony sighed. “Yeah, there are teachers like that. But not all, Cait.” “Okay.” Cait looked up at her. “Want to see something?” “Okay.” “Get two papers.” “Okay.” “Get ruler.” “Okay.” “Grandma. Can you have in your purse the biggafier that you use?” “Are you going to teach Harmony how to teach kids to read?” Cait smiled a sly smile. “Maybe it help her. Maybe some kid ashamed read, and if she show the trick, maybe a kid less scared to read.” “So, now we need a really really hard book, you know I can’t read.” “Oh?” Harmony frowned. “If I just said a fife grade book, you think… but you can read because you don’t know it. But if you get a high school book, you know no kid my grade can read. Don’t it?” “I suppose so.” Then Cait got in Grandma’s lap and she started to read. “sci… sky? Um… en Skyen ce is s… oh, wait! S and ci is s Oh! S-siens! Oh! Science!” Harmony’s eyes bulged. “You… you read that?” “P-see… cho… okay Sicho… okay… loggy… no… lojy… Oh! P-sigh cholojee!” “That’s… that’s impressive. The word is psychology, Cait, but that is still really good for a fourth grade kid!” “Fifth grade, from September.” “She doesn’t read on grade level at all. People passed her without trying to teach her because they didn’t get it. The idea, is some kids, I had the problem so I introduced it…,” Grandma started to explain how Cait learned this. Cait got in the car after her session feeling really chatty. Grace and Daddy were talking when they opened the door. When Cait got in, Grace smirked until she got her seat belt on, and then she said… “Spaghetti-poop.” Cait was suddenly caught up in a breathless laugh. She had forgotten that they were still playing it when they dropped her off for Grandma to take her in. “Made you laugh!” Grace said. “One more point for me.” “No fair! I wasn’t playing. I talking Harmony.” “Okay. I’ll take the point back for that one…,” she paused. But then… “Spaghetti poop!” Cait laughed again. “That one counts!” Cait frowned. “Fine. Cheese-can pee!” “Huh?” “You know, the spread of cheese from a can… it pees?” “Sorry. Not funny, Cait.” “Oh. Fine!” Chapter 102 Overnight When the Kinsellas and Grace got back to the farm, already having had dinner out, and it being around nine, Daddy brought Cait up to her room. “Is Grace going to be with me?” “When she’s ready, sweetheart. She’s a teenager, so we’re not going to make her go to bed until after eleven or twelve. But she’ll sleep with you, hon. You’ve had a long day though, and you want to feed Summerstone in the morning?” “Yeah.” “Let your peer-sister have her big kid time, okay?” “Okay. But she can at least say Good night?” Grace walked in. She had come up and heard everything. “I’m actually tired too, Mr….” “Hon? Uncle Sean,” Daddy told her. “You call me Uncle, child.” “Okay. But can I be tired?” “Yes, sweetie, but how about you try to use the potty just so you can say you tried not to pee the bed… even if you pee the bed.” “Okay.” “You should have Eiboline check your sores too before you go to bed. Put some medicine on.” “I can….” “Hon, no one has taught you how to properly look after that. If they did, your sores wouldn’t be that bad, and we wouldn’t be doing right by you if we didn’t take care of you for a while until you learn.” “Oh.” “It’s not your fault. Kids have to be taught this stuff, child. You’ve only been taught to wash yourself, but judging by what I glimpsed last night, you dig at yourself afraid of not being clean, and that’s not the way to clean hurt skin, sweetheart.” “Um… yeah.” “In the morning, whether you pee the bed or not, Cait will probably pee on you. It doesn’t matter. You let Eiboline bathe you, child. You get some proper care. Now go find Eiboline. I am going to be putting medicine on Cait, anyway while you are looking for her.” “Okay.” “Hint, she’s probably in the kitchen, sweetheart.” “Okay.” “Good girl.” Sean took Cait’s pajama bottoms off of her and helped her wash off in the bathroom, put her on the toilet, put her medicine on her, and then helped her redress. By the time she was in bed, Grace was in the bathroom with Eiboline. “Daddy gets mad when Grainne pees,” Cait frowned. “We’re not at Daddy’s house, hon, not the Missouri Daddy’s house. Grace doesn’t get shamed or spanked or anything humiliating over wetting the bed here. If she acts scared, you remind her that she’s at Uncle Sean’s house, not her mother’s house, or especially not her mom’s sister’s house. She’s at Aunt Eiboline’s, where she gets help with baths and medicine, okay?” “Okay.” Eiboline brought Grace in while Daddy was helping Cait read A Spell for Chameleon. Grace smiled. “You let her read when you read to her at night?” “Why not?” Sean asked. “Mom used to read to me before I turned twelve. Then she just put books in my room and said I could do it.” “She skipped a step,” Sean frowned. “Most parents do, but I feel like it is an important step. You should read to your kids. Your mom did that right. Until what age is different for each family. But then she told you to read yourself to sleep. There is step between that I think is very important, especially if you struggle at school like our very intelligent Cait does. It’s called shared reading. This way, hon?” “Yeah?” “You support a struggling reader by helping her with words she doesn’t know. You reinforce the words she’s learning by teaching her again, or you praise her when she gets a new word right. You encourage your child. That helps them get stronger at reading.” “I need a lot of help for read,” Cait told her. “Teachers called me words Daddy swatted my butt once for saying about me. He heard me say fucker a bunch of times and he just met me. He never told me not to. But when I said I those bad words I told you and Shane about? He swatted me after a bunch of me saying. He said, those words are worse than fucker. That’s where I learned it.” “Oh.” “If you call yourself stinky or something, and you keep doing it, Uncle Sean will swat you,” Cait looked her in her eye. “It’s because he cares.” “Now,” Daddy confirmed my word. “Let’s not go to bed thinking how to be in trouble, ladies. Let’s relax. Grace, you read with us.” “Really?” “Sure, hon. You’re sharing Cait’s bed, so you have to share her story time.” I saw Ghost looking like she peed her usually dingy dress. I scooted closer to Grace and then stuck my tongue at Ghost. “She says she’ll sleep with me. You got nothing for that.” The Ghost smiled and just-a-dis-peared. The next morning, I woke up and hugged Grace. She was sleeping. Suddenly I saw her water coming from between her legs. I hugged her more tight. She was peeing her pants, and I wanted her to be okay when she woke up. She did start to wake, and was still peeing. I felt her tighten. Her voice drew in sharp airs and “sorry” was hard to hear. I held her more tight, and then I started to pee my pants on her, too. I hugged her more tight. “You at Cait house, Gracie. You allowed. Just keep peeing. Don’t hold it. You hurt your body if you hold it. Pee. I promise, you allowed, and I want you to pee, Grace. See? I peeing. I not apposed to hold it. I hurt my body bad because I used to hold it. Not, I not allowed until the doctor says so. You pee. Grace.” Grace started to relax and her pee fully came out at once. I whispered. “I love you.” She sat up. “I need to go the toilet.” “Why? You apposed to pee all the way.” “It’s not….” she doubled over holding her tummy. Then it happened. I got in her lap and hugged her, anchoring her there, while she pooped her pants. “It okay, Grace. It okay. I promise. It okay.” The light turned on. Eiboline stood there, a small frown on her mouth. Her eyes looking into Grace’s eyes. “Scared, hon?” Grace looked up at her. “Mom’s gonna….” “No, hon. You’re at my house. Your Mama left you here to be taken care of by us, child. You did nothing wrong. Your body is hurt. No sixteen year old starts just pooping like that unless something is wrong, baby. Whether it is emotional or physical, you don’t mind in my house, baby. You just come with me. Cait, you too. You both need to be cleaned up.” “You woked up earlier, Grandma.” “I have a hurt child in my house that’s not used to our ways, Cait. You might not remember, but I woke up earlier for you, when you first got here, too.” “I don’t be member. I don’t know. I just feel like it forever, and know you love me. I don’tn’t think about it.” “That’s as it should be, sweetheart. Come on, up off your friend. She’s messy and scared and needs to calm down in a bath.” Grandma cleaned Cait first almost like Cait was a baby. Cait played around her cleaning her up and Cait talking to Grace like her being cleaned up was not a big deal. She giggled and just said nonsense. “Do you always just clean her?” Grace asked. “Not always. It’s usually up to her how much we do, unless she’s pooped herself. Of course, I do the medicine. She’s still a little kid. But she knows how to wash up if she just pees… if she wants to.” “So, you just got her up this time….” Eiboline sighed. “For you, hon. You need to understand that I don’t mind cleaning her up and she doesn’t mind if I help her. She’s old enough to do it herself, but sometimes, it just feels… well, ask Cait.” “I love my Grandma and my Daddy. If I get scared or really sad, I can even ask Daddy and he washes me, too. It’s not shame if it done because I need help and not just someone says… you did bad, and you too stupid to clean it up, like my old home. My old home, when I wet the bed, I’m too stupid to clean up by myself. Here, I am too sad to clean up my own mess. That the differ. I can be too sad or scared to clean up here, and it not meets I stupid.” Grace nodded. “So, if I need help, it doesn’t mean I’m… like a baby?” “That’s right,” Grandma told her. “All of us needs help, sometimes.” “I told you,” Cait said looking into Grace’s green shining water eyes. “You allowed to poop your pants here. It don’t matter if it because you controlled who seed you, or if you don’t can control at all, in my bed on not your want. Grandma knows. You don’t poop your pants by your want, even if you do it to stop someone to see you lose not able to wait minutes later.” Grandma smiled. “That’s right, hon.” Grace seemed to relax and water ran down her cheeks. Cait brushed them off with her thumbs. “You one of my big sisters, now. I love you. You don’t gotta be perfect for me love you. Grainne pees her pants, too. She my sister in Missouri. I love her. She pees her pants sometimes to protect us… on purpose, not she can’t choose, but he does it so Daddy see oldest one do it so he mad her and not a little sister. She even poop in them if it protects a little sister.” “Ew! Really? She chooses to poop her pants because… her little sister might get in trouble for peeing?” “Yeah.” “She’s braver than me,” Grace whispered. “Grainne got sick, though doing it all the time,” Cait frowned. “And I learned just before you stayed the night, she and Clo, my other big sister, protected me when I was sick. They got in my wet bed, because it they scared I peed too much and Daddy mad there. And they got in my bed, and they know it still not look like they peed, so they peed on purpose, so Daddy think the pee is all us, and I don’t get trouble. Grainne told Clo I sick and Clo agree. And they decide they protect me and wet on purpose.” Grace’s mouth did this surprise ‘oh’ thing, her eyes big, and she started me like I was lying. “I not lying. I can prove it.” “I didn’t say you were. Why would you? You just admitted, you got your sisters in trouble, but you didn’t mean to, you were sick. But… I never heard of a sister doing that.” “Then that’s all I going to say because more will be too much.” “I would love to meet such sisters! They… they should be in a hall of heroes, Cait!” “They are,” Cait frowned. “Not one the whole world see. But in my Ghost world, I have a whole Hall I making that will be everything I learn from now on about how they protect my two baby sisters and what I learn they did for me in it.” “I needed sisters like that.” “Shane, too,” Cait whispered. “His sisters love him, but in his house, nothing is private. His sisters yell like his Playgroup isn’t something that… well, I think maybe he doesn’t like it called playgroup.” “Yeah. Playgroup in the room, is okay,” Grace said. “We all understand it. Vance is nice and everything. But I never tell anyone I go to a playgroup. I just say it’s group counseling even though I’m playing like a little kid.” Cait hugged her. “Watch. Grandma put my medicine on me. I let her. She said I can do one of them, but I don’t want to touch. It hurts. So I let her.” “She put it on me last night.” “Okay. But she put it on you now, too. I telling you, watch. Grandma not say nothing like I shouldn’t be. She make it okay I need it.” Grace sighed. “I know.” “Then it’s okay if I watch her put it on you and hold your hand, if you know.” Grace bit her lip, and then she nodded. “Yeah, you’re right. It’s okay.” Once both girls had medicine on them, and were taken to their room, Grace dressed herself, and Cait brought her clothes to Daddy to dress her. Grace came out and saw he was still dressing her. “You love your daddy dressing you?” “Yeah. It feels good after I peed my pants and especially wet the bed.” Grace nodded. “I liked that you… I mean that Aunt Eiboline cared enough to wash me and help with medicine for me. I can’t let Uncle dress me though. I’m sixteen. It’s not the world… it’s me, too.” “That’s as it should be,” Daddy said. “Teenagers are growing up. In this house, we help as much as you need, hon.” Cait skipped with Grace hand in hand out to find Summerstone. “We don’t play with him yet. He eats first, and we clean his straw. It’s gross. You can just watch if you want. I can do it. Daddy taught me.” Grace watched a bit, and then she said “let me try.” Cait pointed at a pitchfork that Daddy uses when he’s helping her. They worked together, and even though Grace said it’s stinky, she was laughing and they had fun. Then Grace helped her feed other animals, too. She was pulling in big breaths that got bigger and bigger. “Are you okay?” Cait asked. “You seem to be breathing hard.” “It’s not that, Cait. I… I don’t know. I feel like I can breath. No one is staring down my back after I woke up pooping my pants even. The air is not city air, but it has a stink to it, and yet, it smells cleaner than the city. I just…. I feel free out here. Like if I peed right now, only you and I would know, and you wouldn’t care!” “Yeah. It is free out here,” Cait agreed. “I want to stay the night again,” Grace said. “I want to wake up free again, Aunt Eiboline helping me bathe because she doesn’t hurt my… sore area like I do when I take a bath, and no one watching when I pee, but when they notice they help me get clean. I… I didn’t know I wanted it, but I do.” Cait held Grace’s hand, and nodded as she rubbed her hand like Billy had done at church last Sunday when Cait peed her pants. “Sometimes, you don’t know it’s there, so how can you want it? But when you know what it is, it’s hard not to want more.” “Exactly,” Grace nodded. “If you scared to tell your mommy, Grandma will talk for you,” Cait said. “One thing Grandma and Daddy Sean good at, is being there when you need. They don’t mad it. They just do it.” “Mom will think I’m being a baby about it if I let….” “Stop, Grace,” Cait held both of her hands. “Stop. It’s not about your mom. Your mom… she doesn’t mom right. She maybe loves you, but she doesn’t mom right. You don’t care that words because that not love talk. That is pressure your mom is scared. You let Grandma help. I promise. Your mom not mad you when Grandma done talking her.” Grace nodded. “I know.” Chapter 103 Church Isn’t Just A Sunday Thing We had breakfast, helped Grandma with the water, and were in the pen Daddy had for me with Summerstone when I suddenly heard a bunch of kids at the main gait that went around the house, and these kids… twelve of them… The whole Sunday School assept for Billy and Ruth ran out towards us. I went to the cross sign that said where I could go, and I waited for them to get to me. “Who told you come this way?” I asked my hands on my hips, eyes narrowed at the oldest sixth grader. “We… I mean, we came to see you?” She stammered. “I not mad you see me. I mad you might bited by snakes. You don’t just run to a field without know it! You bited by snake like that. Now stay on the road, see it? And this sign means where You find me. The girl picture is me and that’s my yard. The house picture is my house. I don’t want no body get bitted a snake!” “Oh, okay.” She looked down. “I promise. I not mad. I just scared. You the olderest. You protect the little kids. Snake is here sometimes. It can make a safe animal kill you. It did before. Please. Don’t think I mad. I promise, my Daddy, Um… Church calls him Uncle or cousin Sean, he can tell you truth.” “Okay. I believe you, Cait. It’s just we didn’t see any snakes, and I was leading them. I told them not to leave the trail.” Cait hugged her. “Snakes sometimes can’t see them. They are sometimes in a big lots of grass place, and they bite very fast. I don’t wanted anyone to bite or get hurted by animals that stomping because snake scared.” “Okay. I understand. But I have been out to ranches before. You know, where they let you ride horses. I was doing the same stuff I do then.” “I guess I just get scared easy. I sorry.” “No, Cait,” Rebecca hugged her tight. “You didn’t know if we knew what we were doing, and you just got scared. I understand. But I do know what I’m doing, and I was watching the others.” “Oh, okay. Come and meet my friend from my other safe group.” “Other safe group?” “Yeah. Don’t call it playgroup. She hates the name, but some kids go there to talk about and understand why we have some hard emotions problems.” “That’s cool.” “She’s older, but don’t be mean her if something happened.” “We won’t. We accidentally on purpose forgot to invite the bullies.” Cait laughed. “Grace! These my Church friends! But where Billy and Ruth? They not bullies?” Cait looked at Rebecca. “Well, not everyone could get away. I’m sorry. But I think the Hendersons said they were coming later to see you. After all, you didn’t first meet Billy and Ruth at church, right?” “No. Not the first time. I met them the park. It was the after the first Sunday I here with Daddy and Grandma cousins. They don’tn’t go church that day because too much happened. They said I feel safe first, then we go next time.” Rebecca smiled. “Yeah, church is supposed to feel safe.” Theodore, a short chubby fifth grader took Cait’s hand. “I know you trust Billy and Ruth most, and we won’t be mad if you don’t…, but you are a fifth grader, and I as the fifth grade table leader, I was hoping that now that Angela isn’t making Melissa who was the leader until last week be mean, maybe you can try the fifth grade table. I promise, no one gets to be mean, not to anyone.” “Can my friend Grace come? She’s sixteen.” “I have to ask Mrs. Johnson, but I’ve seen adults visit us before. I don’t see how this would be any different. If she can’t, then I’m sure you can go to the high school one with her.” “I… I don’t want her to go to the high school one, yet. I don’t know it safe. I told you, she in the group for us kids that can’t do our emotions right. I want her safe with my friends who okay if peed my pants in the lesson.” “If Mrs. Johnson says she can come, she can sit at the fifth grade table with us. I promise. No one will be allowed to call on her to read if she’s nervous, and no one will be allowed to be mean if she gets scared or something.” “That’s why I want you invite her our Sunday School Class.” “Oh, you have to actually talk to Rebecca to officially invite her. She’s our Youth leader because she’s been asked to that by the Pastor, but even she has to ask Ms. Johnson, I think.” Rebecca walked over and patted Cait on the back. “She’s more than welcome. I don’t think Mrs. Johnson will throw out someone who is just there with their friend wondering what we do in Sunday School. Jesus invites everyone… even the murderer who hung on the cross by him, he promised him he can live in paradise, too because he repented to Jesus.” Cait smiled. “Okay, Grace?” “Um…. I think they should know that I’m ….” “You better not say no words that worse than fucker,” Cait glared at her. “Oh. But how will they know what I do?” Rebecca put an arm around the teenager. “Jesus made a church not for the perfect, but to help all the not perfect to learn. If you have a problem, just let our Sunday School teacher know if you need help or if it’s something you can’t hide, then tell us when it starts. No one is allowed to laugh. Cait peed her pants both Sundays she came, but no one cares if she does it again, only if she comes to church again.” “I… I poop mine, sometimes.” Grace’s face was on fire. “I told you, she’s in my group,” Cait frowned. “She has emotions problems and it makes her scared to go bathroom right, so she… does it… different, but like me.” “Then we won’t care. Just tell the teacher so we don’t surprise her,” Rebecca told Grace. “We let people who do far worse than make a little mess on the floor into church.” “What if Melissa or Angela mean? I want Grace to sit with sixth graders, by Billy? He protects people like me.” Rebecca nodded. “She and you and even Ruth are all welcome at the sixth grade table. You sit where you are comfortable, Cait. If you think Grace is safer at our table, then you join her at our table, and Billy can hold his sister, and the teen can hold you, and you can all sit together, okay?” “You have to ask Billy and Ruth if Ruth wants to sit in his lap. I’m more the ….” “Cait?” Grace frowned. “If I’m not allowed to use words like baby, then you aren’t either. I caught you!” Cait looked down. “Guilty.” Rebecca frowned. “I don’t see no babies, and anyone that does, well Cait, this your yard. You kick them out and I’ll make sure they leave along with Theodore. We purposefully didn’t accidentally on purpose not invite bullies. If any bullies came, they can go back home.” The fifth graders gathered around Cait and Grace. “And remember, we will guard the bathroom for you, just like last Sunday, Cait. No one gets to watch you or Grace if you are scared you are having trouble with the toilet and your clothes.” “Thank you.” Cait looked at Grace. “See? Aren’t my Sunday School Friends nice?” “They are,” Grace had tears glistening on her cheeks. “They don’t care you even wet your pants last week?” “Nope!” Rebecca took Grace’s hand. “And we won’t care when you first poop your pants in our class, too, whether it’s this Sunday or any Sunday you come. Well, we will care. Not about the mess, but about your feelings. You are a soul of God, and that’s the most important thing to remember, both of you.” “Okay.” “We can play tag, but before you all just start running around, I want Rebecca to come and back me up, since you know something about farms. It safety, not I tell you do it because my house, but I tell you do it so you don’t die. Rules. If you can’t play those rules you go in the house where it safe.” The kids all gathered. “We all stay in this pen. If someone says they gotta pee, we stop the game no matter what. Even if you can tag someone, you don’t. That cheating, and someone has to move to not be tagged can get died.” The kids were all listening. “You see the mama horse? Don’t go behind her when you running. If she doesn’t know you doing, she can kill with a power kick, and only think. I protect. She doesn’t know you just a kid. Wolves are small like us, and they eat horse. You leave the horses alone when you running.” Rebecca stared at a fourth grader who was jittering. “If you don’t listen to Cait, you are going inside. This is serious, Jill.” “Okay.” “If the horses start stomping no reason, if Shadow growls without good reason, and if someone stays stop, don’t move, you stop where you are, and you do not move until my Daddy comes over and says so. I have Shadow help me to where Daddy is, and when he comes out and checks, then others move. I trust Shadow. I can talk Shadow. Shadow not know you. You don’t know what means snake and what not means snake. You stay still… even if you pee your pants!” Rebecca frowned. “Even me?” “Are you group leader?” “Yeah?” “What the fourth graders going to do if the group leader moves.” “Yeah, I see.” “I not telling you to pee your pants. I’m telling you if you can’t hold it, you stay there and wait for Daddy to say it safe. You might know about snakes, but some kids don’t, and even if you can get away, if you move, a nine year kid will get bited.” “Alright. I get it.” Cait looked around at all the kids. “We are not close to the house and if people need to go toilet, some of us will pee our pants. I will just do it. I do anyway. But if anyone choosed to or just doesn’t can explain they did, anyone that makes that kid cry—especially they poop their pants…. The kid that maked the other kid cry is out! You don’t play no more. Church safe place. So it is Cait’s yard!” The children started playing around after Cait told them that they do a walk through the pen area first. After it was declared safe, and it was a huge area. They had more than enough room to play even with the horses grazing at one end. While they were playing, this one kid kept trying to be it, but people kept not tagging him. “Stop!” Cait called out. “Stop! New rule!” The kids moaned but stopped. “Does anyone know why Kyle keeps trying to get tagged on purpose?” Other kids shrugged. “I saw him put himself close enough to be chased… getting closer and closer and even putting his hand out. Why is everyone ignoring him? That’s the same rule as making someone cry for peeing their pants. It’s worse! There is NO reason to ignore each other. Next time I see someone ignoring someone out here, I’m going in the house and you guys can figure out how to move on your own if there is a snake. I don’t play with people that ignore their friends.” The other kids looked down in shame. Even Rebecca. “Honest, Cait. I didn’t notice.” “I don’t care. That’s the main reason people can get picked on. No one noticed. I don’t like that excuse. My yard, we all notice, or we don’t play… at least not with me.” “I’m sorry, Kyle. I didn’t realize we were excluding you,” Benny said. “I was just targeting the person that tagged me. It wasn’t mean to ignore you.” “Yeah, sorry, Kyle. I should have tagged you. I just… I don’t normally tag easy targets because I feel like people are doing that because they feel sorry for me because I’m slow or something.” Cait looked down. “Well, let’s just be aware if someone has to put their hand in you face to feel included, then you not the only one that ignored them, but you can make them feel included even if you not the one wrong? I tell you why it matter later.” And they were playing again. “Kids!” Mrs. Johnson called them. “Come and get lunch and thank the Kinsellas for letting us play here.” As they were walking back, Cait was surprised. Kyle held her hand. “I like your rules.” Another girl, who had wet her dress and was a little older than Cait held her other hand. “I get called dumb.” When they were all gathered in the kitchen, Cait smiled at all her friends. “You all told me that church not for perfect, right? Well. I not mad nobody today. Just I want no one is mean. Kinsella God not mean, and not want us to be mean. So what how they say two Sunday before? Keeper? No, that Daddy’s words. He said God ask Cain where is Able, and Cain asked about brother keeper. If you are God child, then you ask. Did I see if my brother and sister need help because they alone or not get tagged or not get treated nice and crying? That what we want. Don’t we?” Then Cait sat at the table. “Please sit, if you care listen at the most scared, most stupid, most pee potty pants, most bad school girl in third grade. I promised I tell you why ignore someone is more bad than you make a kid cry because peed pants.” Cait was surprised that even the older kids were sitting, even Grace. “There is this one girl. She never do it right. Nothing. She wake up, she peed in hall and in bathroom and make mess more. ‘stupid girl’ they said. She peed bed. ‘Good,’ they said. ‘You don’t make mess. You too stupid to go toilet.’ She read is so bad, third grade kids say you need to go back Kindergarten. You so bad, you can’t hit the ball. Why we want you my team?” Cait looked around. “But worse than that bad looking at me… not was the stupid word or the potty pants or the you don’t good, you bad. The worse? No friends.” She looked down and felt a burning wave in her eyes flooding. She shook. “I am outside, by myself at recess. I see all kids running and playing and laughing… and I just pee my pants again in lonely and no one sees because they don’t even see. I just inbisible assept my Ghost who wear a dirty peed dress and tell me look my own skirt, and it peed on, too.” Some of the kids moved a little bit where they sitting on the floor. Some wiped noses. Some looked down at their hands. “I more fun stay in recess in fourth grade to take a read test where I don’t eben can read good, and it more fun that outside where people just pass by while I pee on the ground in my clothes.” Everyone was quiet. Even the big adotes stopped talking. Cait started peeing her pants, and she stood up. “I don’t can talk right now. I’m going to be a baby. I want my Daddy.” And she walked through the seated kids and got into Sean’s lap and she buried her face. “No change yet. Just hold, me, Daddy?” “Of course, Cait.” Grandma sighed. “Alright, everyone. We thank you for coming to play, but Cait needs a nap. She’s had way too much excitement for one morning. I’m sorry. But everyone goes… everyone except you, Grace. You need a nap, too.” Daddy picked Cait up and started to take her upstairs. “You too, Grace, hon. It’s nap time. You don’t get a choice right now. I don’t know what happened outside, but you are both very tired.” Chapter 104 A Pastor’s Words Daddy walked the two girls to the bedroom, not the bathroom, and then he looked down at Grace’s skirt. “How is your heart?” he asked her. “What do you mean?” “Is your heart hurting?” Sean asked Grace. Grace gave a heavy sigh. “Then Uncle will change you, hon. Grandma is down stairs getting you some juice and probably something for a headache in case you have one.” “How’d you know I had one?” “Watching Cait, sweetheart. We’ve had her for three weeks, now, and one thing I’ve learned, is that when Cait does certain things… she’s got a headache, and while you didn’t pour your heart out like she did, she touched on things that happen to you, too. Did she not?” “Yeah, she did.” “Before I help, do you mind if I help you. I know you peed, hon, probably outside, but that doesn’t give me the right change you without permission. You still decide.” “You never changed me before….” “And I won’t change you when Eiboline is able to do it right away, child. But she’s busy right now, and you’re wet, hon.” “Yeah?” “And you have a bad rash from not taking care of yourself, and I don’t want it get worse. You don’t either. But your respect and your dignity comes first.” “You can do it. I trust you. But didn’t you say we can take our own bath and change on our own?” “I did, hon. If your heart is okay. Not if you feel hurt or lonely though.” “I do feel lonely.” “So uncle change you?” “Okay.” Grandma came in when Grace was in clean panties and shirt, Uncle getting her jeans out for her. “Are you okay, Grace?” “Yeah. Actually. If I am to tell the truth…? I didn’t know how nice it could be to be changed by a Daddy sort and not feel… like it’s… well, it felt really good. I don’t understand why my parents refuse to help me? Only because I’m sixteen and in high school?” “Well…, society,” Daddy told her. “It’s not right, but society can be a little uncaring about what emotional needs people have.” “Yeah?” “Sweetheart? When’s the last time your mom helped you when you had crap in your panties?” “I don’t think ever?” “Not even when you were sick?” “No. I shouldn’t have pooped then, not even the runs.” “You know… society says that teenagers can take care of themselves, but society can be wrong sometimes. The problem is that society is a lot like high school, and people that don’t conform sometimes get labeled. However, sometimes, parents just don’t understand that their house is their rules. Society can’t break into your walls and tell you how to parent.” “But it is bad that I poop my pants.” “No. It’s not you being bad, Grace. It’s society failing our most hurt in society. And it’s society being bad. Just like Cait has been hurt by not being heard, you’ve not been heard for a while. Since what? Fourteen?” “Younger.” “Younger than fourteen?” “Well, the last time I did the runs in my pants and mom said anything that was… sort of nice about it, was when I was around eleven and got sick. But I was pooping my pants at school by the age of like nine?” “Nine?” “Yeah. On purpose.” Sean shook his head. “There is no such a thing as on purpose, Grace. Not with that. Nine year olds only do that on purpose if they don’t know how to ask for attention in a healthy way.” “My dad left us when I was like three days from my nine birthday.” “You dad left, when?” “Um… three days before I turned nine.” “That is a huge change, sweetheart! Of course you are going to act out! How does a nine year old child, who doesn’t even have contact with her Daddy, articulate her need for him? Baby!” He kissed her forehead. Cait frowned. “My Daddy in Mysery? If she just… Well, he kind of did, though. He abandoned me here. I love my new Daddy and Grandma, but still. I sometimes feel it. But Daddy helps me, Gracie. Maybe you should let my Daddy be your Daddy. But if he is, he will check you sometimes, not to shame, but to make sure you not too scared to change your pants. That what he do me. And… I love it.” Grace frowned. “Families can’t just do that.” “Why not?” Cait asked. “I don’t know the rules.” “I don’t either, Gracie. But if you need someone, you can call me Uncle, Daddy, or even Grandpa for all I care. But if you need to be picked up and carried, if you need my help changing your pants, if you need anything that you didn’t get when you were almost nine and your world changed…. I am here.” “My mom won’t like that.” Eiboline frowned. “Well, your mother is going to have to start facing some truths. She’s going to lose a wonderful young lady as her daughter if she doesn’t, and I’m not threatening to call anyone. It’s a natural consequence of not caring for your own kid. Those kids grow up, and eventually, they realize their mom never did anything that help them, so they don’t value them.” “I love my mom!” “I know you do,” Eiboline said to Grace. “And that’s the tragic thing. She still has time to save this relationship, but I don’t know if she will listen and take it, or if she’ll wait until too late, and your feelings change.” “Now,” Sean looked up at Eiboline. “Let’s not bother Grace with that right now.” “You’re right. Here, Grace, two aspirin and some juice. You get a nap, okay?” Then Grandma pulled me into her lap and she started to change me, too. Cait looked up at at Daddy. “That’s the real reason she poops her pants?” “It could be, Cait. I don’t know. I haven’t had her see a doctor. But if her mom can’t figure it out, and she’s in your Playgroup, it is just as likely as your first reasons were when you started to hold it like you did. It might have gotten to be a medical problem where at first it was an emotional one… just like you.” Cait reached over and hugged Grace. “Be a nine year old girl with me, and pee you pants, Grace. Let Daddy heal hurt little girl inside you. Society sees a sixteen year girl. I see you as both. I see the need to help your little girl inside, and I see the need to get better so you can do the things big girls have fun to do.” “You think me peeing my pants will let me do the things big girls do?” “I don’t know. I know that since I at Daddy’s house here, and with Grandma, that it’s easier to read. It’s easier to play. It’s easier to not be cry all the time. And I am allowed to poot my panties. If I allowed to go poot my panties, and it means I play easier, but I not allowed but I don’t play and have friends… why come it wrong to think pee my pant without shame it, is bad?” Grace frowned. “Yeah?” “And if that right, why come you can’t poot your panties so you can be a big girl?” “I… but it’s not… but big girls don’t….” “But poot panties girls don’t have friends at ten years old almost eleven, and pee pants girls don’t play tag like we do before. And no body hears potty pants, but only, they did! It not the not go potty. It the not shame it happened. I even said I gonna be a baby now, but no one wanted to leave.” “Yeah,” Grace frowned. “I saw.” “Try to be my little sister at home and big sister outside. See what happened. Billy said almost same me. He said, let’s try something. He said about the Ghost in me. He said you tell the ghost, ‘no’, and you know what? I did, and I didn’t stop pee, but I stop be scared. If I can’t tell ghost no, I can’t tell no body how be fair and I don’tn’t stop snake bited, but I do it.” “Yeah?” “Just try. Be my little sister at home, and just pee on purpose your pants… only at home. Only in bed, only one place, and if it help you better, then try more times, but only private so people not judge outside? Is that okay?” The adotes had already left the childs-ren to take a nap. “You really think if I poop my pants on purpose, it will help?” “I peed on I want to at group last night. I got listened, and I got voice. I got okay that they see me peed my pants by I want them to see me and not look Shane who scared for it. And they looked me. I got… I had seen me people. And I… I felt like I was real them.” “I’ll try to pee the bed on purpose. But I’m not pooping on purpose, Cait. Even if I need to, I can’t right now. It’s scary.” “Okay. Small baby mouse steps is good.” Cait and Grace were awakened, Cait didn’t know how much later, when an excited little Ruth jumped on her bed and hugged her. The bed was wet. Grace was blushed red. Cait saw her frowned at her. “Ruthie? I feel scared now. Can you down and tell Daddy I scared?” “Because you peed the bed?” “Yeah. Can you get my Daddy and stay until I can come in clean cloziz? The Ghost too scary.” Cait was lying… not because she didn’t want Ruth to see that Cait peed, but because she was lying next to someone she promised it would be safe to be the nine year old sister and pee the bed on purpose. Now, like Grainne, she was protecting her little sister, even if her little sister was actually in real Earth time, older than her big sister. In Mysery. “Okay. I’m sorry you scared.” Ruth hugged her. “You can pee on me anytime though. I want you to know.” “In my heart, I know?” Cait tried to help Ruth not feel like Cait re-object her, “but my head said I dirty, and I ten, and I make bad thing and you copy it.” Ruth nodded. “I’ll get your Daddy.” When Ruth ran out, Grace touched my arm. “You really scared?” “No. I protecting my little sister who is scared though. Not the sixteen year old that everyone sees, but the nine year old that still waiting for her Daddy to come back.” “I love you, Cait.” “I love you, Grace.” Daddy came in and he sat on Grace’s side of the bed, not Cait’s, but he looked intently at Cait…. “Cait? You scared to tell Billy and Ruth you peed your pants? How dumb do you think she is?” Cait frowned. “Um… I not saying she dumb.” “Ruth came and whispered in my ear, hon. She said the big girl next to Cait accidentally peed the bed, and that you lied about it and said you were scared and to get me, and she said… probably to protect the bigger girl like Billy did you?” “She didn’t tell everyone?” “She whispered it to me.” “I told Grace to wet her pants on purpose. Now, she’ll never trust me.” “You told her, what?” “I told her to be a scared nine year old and pee the bed, the one that misses her Daddy. That it can be just with her big sister, me, and no one knows, but Ruth found out.” “I’m sorry, hon. Nor I nor Ruth knew that. But maybe it’s good for Grace to know how Ruth and Billy feel about it, hon? Ruth’s not dumb, just like you’re not dumb.” “Yeah.” Before Daddy could even start getting Grace out of bed, Ruth had Billy’s hand and they came into the bedroom together. “Sorry, I made my sister tell me why she didn’t stay with Cait. She loves Cait, and sits in Cait’s pee, so it didn’t make sense she thought Cait needs space,” Billy said. “She said there was a big girl in Cait bed, and the bed was soaked… that you both peed the bed?” “Yeah?” Cait frowned. “Well, is she your friend?” “She’s in my Playgroup where they help us with emoshunble stuff. She wets the bed sometimes because she lonely for her real Daddy who left her family. She gets scared and pees the bed.” Billy frowned. “Ruth wets the bed. We have our dad, but she wets the bed. I love her. Cait wets the bed at ten. Cait has other stuff. But Cait pees her pants at church. It’s okay.” Sean sighed. “What I’m saying, big girl, is nine, ten, eleven, fifteen, sixteen, even eighteen? If you pee the bed, you pee the bed. You still Cait’s friend, and that means there value to you to us, and I don’t know why, and I don’t care if you tell me why… other than you lost your dad and get nightmares. But if you tell me why, I won’t be mean about it. I see what being mean about it did to my sister. Kids at school get mean to my sister. Now, I hit even girls, if they are mean to my sister. I know I’m not supposed to…? But she’s my sister. I’ll be damned if I let someone make my sister cry especially if she comes running to me about being picked on. Cait’s my little sister now, too. Not by blood? But by something stronger.” I slid closer to Grace. “I didn’t mean them to see you and find out. I wanted to tell. I knew they okay. Are you… are you okay?” “You told me I could pee on purpose,” Grace whispered. Billy took her hand. “I pee on purpose, sometimes, and there’s nothing wrong me. Want to see?” Billy peed his pants, again! Just like that! “You’re a little kid?” Grace started. “I’m going to be twelve this year,” Billy told her. “Actually, I turn twelve in September. So…. I know what I did, and I’d do it again. Cait is my sister’s best friend! They love each other, and if Cait has a friend that’s scared like she was… then it’s worth it to pee my pants to show her friend it’s okay to do it on purpose.” “I’m six….” “You are a kid who is hurted,” Billy frowned. “Hurt! Hurt kids don’t need an age to stop acting like a little kid. They need someone to tell them you are okay the way you are. That’s the only way to stop being a little kid… to be told you are okay as you are, so you grow up.” “Yeah?” “Yeah. And if you need, you act like a nine year old for a while. I don’t care. Or don’t act like a nine year old and just pee your pants sometimes? I don’t care either way. What I am worried about, is that Cait is sad if you feel hurt. And Cait will make my sister sad, not because Cait wants, but because Ruth is hurt when Cait is hurt. So if you being hurt, hurts Cait, then that makes my sister hurt in the end. That matters to me.” “You can just not let me see….” “No. That will hurt Cait, and my sister, and it’s not what church teaches. Jesus loves us as we are. If I can’t love you the way you are how can I say I love Jesus and follow him?” Billy climbed up on the bed and pulled the blankets off of Grace and sat in her lap in his wet pants, though she was soaked, too. “Are you mad if I sit in your lap in peed in pants?” Billy asked. “No?” “Then why do I care if you peed your pants, okay? By the way, my name is Billy. Do you what a little girl did for my sister who I saw on a swing one day, and who smelled like pee, but she didn’t pee her pants, at least not yet?” Grace frowned. “That little girl accepted my little sister when my little sister asked her to play. My little sister in sort of in your face honest sometimes, and she told Cait that she smelled like she peed, and asked if she had to use the bathroom or maybe she need to change, but Cait said she’d prove she didn’t and then Ruth held out her hand, and then Cait… even though Ruth said she peed, but she didn’t, Cait just held out her hand and they played together. Cait is my sister’s first real friend outside of my friends and the church. And even the church… well, eight year olds don’t know any better, and she’s only been in the big kid Sunday school going to be her fourth week tomorrow, so she didn’t know anyone that well when Cait met her. That’s why my sister loves Cait. Cait didn’t judge her. Didn’t say she weird. Cait played with her.” “Yeah, that’s Cait,” Grace whispered. More peed came out of Grace. “It’s okay, Grace. I’m sitting in your lap wet. Just pee your pants. It’s okay.” Sean coughed a little to remind the kids he was there. “Billy, both Grace and Cait need to get cleaned up. Not because they peed, but because their peeing has caused some real damage to their skin because people that are neglectful don’t always check things that hurt.” “The sixteen year old has damage to her skin because… someone didn’t teach her to change her pants when she pees her pants?” “Something like that.” Billy hugged her again. “I am mad at the people that didn’t teach you to take care of your body, but I love you, Grace. You are God’s child, too. Don’t you dare think God doesn’t love you. He does.” Billy then moved and sat on Cait and hugged her. “You, too, baby sister. You get yourself clean so it doesn’t hurt and stuff, okay?” Cait nodded. When the children were downstairs watching cartoons on television, and drinking juice and talking like it was another children’s visit, the adults were in the kitchen playing cards. That’s when there was a knock at the front door. “I’ll get it,” Cait ran to the door. “Oh, um… Pastor?” “Hey, little lady! Are you getting better?” “Yeah, kind of. I got a question though. If you laid hands on me, and I getting better now, do you say that because your hands?” “No, sweetheart, God’s power doesn’t work that way. What will happen, will happen through love and natural consequence. I don’t believe God would just heal you because we laid hands on you. It is possible, and does happen sometimes, but it’s not the main reason.” “Then why you do it.” “Because, even if you die from what is ailing you, the laying of hands is not about taking away a challenge or reality. It’s about giving you peace in what is happening. The spirit of God can make you feel less alone and more loved. That’s it’s real power.” “That not what my Mysery Daddy says.” “I know. We talked about that. I know there are a lot of people, especially on TV that say pray with us and believe with us and so on. What they set someone up with though, is if they really believe and really pray, and something doesn’t work, they are not connected through human contact. They wonder if they believed hard enough. It’s not God if it’s not done through human to human contact, Cait.” “Okay. Daddy and Grandma playing cards with Hendersens. “Kids watching TV with my friend, Grace and me. Can you do me something tomorrow?” “What’s that?” “I liked you prayed me. I have a sixteen friend who Daddy left her spirit really hurt. Can you pray that she feel loved before church, not after, so when she go Sunday School with me, she can feel love and not scared. She poops her pants sometimes like me. She really scared. I don’t want her scared, and don’t say you know she poops her pants?” “I’ll talk to your Cousin-Dad about it, okay?” “Okay.” Cait skipped back to the living room to play with Front City with Ruth and watch TV with the other two. Grace frowned. “Excuse me?” Grace started to walk out of the living room. Cait felt her body shake with her wanting it, and she felt her heart tightened. “I’m gonna just check on my big peer-sister.” She ran from the living room, and then she saw the Pastor and Daddy talking, and Grace was at the bottom of the stairs when her shorts started to darken. Cait ran right to her and hugged her. The pastor frowned when he noticed the teenager. As he looked at her, Grace’s pee started to speed up instead of slow down, and she slid down to sit on the first step, fully peeing in her pants. Cait ran over and got in her lap and hugged her. Pastor Patterson walked over, and he held his hand out to the teenager. Grace looked up at him, pee still spilling out of her shorts every few … Cait didn’t know if it was minutes or seconds or what, but it came, stopped and came out again. She was having trouble. Carl, Pastor’s son, walked over and he smiled. “Hey. Don’t be scared. This is your house, Grace. Remember? I was at the play thing this morning. I told my dad that Cait was… really powerful talking about bullying, and I asked if she should speak in church, and then I told him you were out there. I saw you pee your pants. I just… I didn’t know what to say to you, but I told my mom that you’re probably lonely.” “You… You told all the bigger kids so they’ll laugh?” Grace looked up at him, more pee spilling into her shorts. “I didn’t tell the big kids anything. I don’t even know the teenagers well enough to really talk to them. I see them sometimes when Dad takes me around with him to meet with people, but I don’t really know what to talk to them about. I wouldn’t even talk to you, except the spirit inside me… God’s messenger… told me to tell you that you are welcome in our Sunday School Class. Rebecca and Mrs. Johnson both say you can come, and the new fifth grade leader says Cait is allowed to sit with them, or Rebecca said even that all the people Cait need… including you… can sit in the sixth grade group, and if you need someone in your lap while Cait sits with Billy, I’ll sit with you.” “I pee,” Grace looked down. “Cait does too, but Billy holds her anyway. Billy is an inspiration to me. He doesn’t see wet. He sees a friend that needs someone to say that she’s seen and loved. I want to be that for you, if Cait needs Billy tomorrow.” “You… you won’t be mad if you sitting in my lap, and I don’t mean to, but poop goes into my pants?” Pastor frowned. “Sean? Has she seen a doctor?” “I don’t know. Her mother… well, she’s under some pressure with society, and I don’t know the last time she actually took the child to see a doctor. But it seems Grace has been dealing with this problem for a while.” Cait looked up at the Pastor. “You could say a prayer tomorrow before church to give her courage to be in Sunday School with us. She barely knows my Daddy and Grandma. Just really met them last night, and she gets really scared when it happens. I know. I was like her, and I still am. If the wrong people see me, I cry and get really quiet hoping no can see… like I inbisible like at school.” “We’ll say a prayer for both Grace and Cait at church tomorrow if you can come early,” Pastor Patterson nodded at Daddy. “It’s the right thing to do, but we can also say one tonight. Would you let me say a prayer with you tonight, he asked Grace. “I peed my pants. God won’t look at me.” “Nonsense,” Pastor Patterson frowned. “However, how about you go ahead and get someone to help you get into clean clothes first just the same. It feels less scary to be around new people if you are at your best, sweetheart.” “Okay.” Cait reached out her hand. “Come on, Grace. Let’s go upstairs. Daddy will get Grandma for us. You’re okay. I promise.” Grandma came up not by herself. The Pastor’s wife was right with her. She took her hands while Grace was still standing there in wet shorts, and she frowned. “Sweetheart. You are suffering. You don’t suffer like that alone, you hear? Tomorrow, if you pee your pants, you get Eiboline and you go with her to change your pants. Eiboline is a good person. She’ll bring you clean clothes, child. Whatever your issues are, church is not for the perfect. It’s for people that love God and try to seek him through our own troubles. Not all troubles are seen like pee, but everyone at church has them, little lady, and God accepts us all.” “I… I might poop my pants,” Grace said uncertainly again. “And when that happens, your church mother, right now, that’s Eiboline, will take you to change your pants. No one will care. That’s between you and your church mommy, Grace. Last week, Sean even took Cait and no one cared that Cait decided she wanted her cousin to be her Daddy and help her. We don’t judge. He gets you help if you are alone. You are not alone. You have the Kinsellas. You let them change you at church, hon. Age has nothing to do with it. You don’t think one minute about your age or what you are supposed to do at school. You are at church, not school. Different rules, little lady.” “Okay.” “To show you I mean it, I told Eiboline I wanted to help you change to show you that I care, but she shook her head and told me you only peed. She says no one touches you without your permission if you are only wet.” “It’s okay,” Grace whispered. “I… I never had people want to change my pants… since he left us.” Cait looked up at Eiboline. “Grace’s Daddy.” “I know what she meant, hon. But that’s up to Grace to talk about, not you to tell, sweetheart.” “And when was that?” Mrs. Patterson asked. “I was only a few days before I turned nine in September.” “Were you wetting your pants when your dad was with you?” “No. I started wetting the bed after. Then it got worse and worse until now, I poop my pants all the time.” “Are you seeing someone to talk about this with?” “Yeah. Harmony is Cait’s head doctor, too. That’s what mom calls Harmony. And I go to a little kid playgroup. There only two high school kids in there, and only two of us poop our pants. Me and Cait.” “Does the playgroup judge you?” “Some of the people kind of do, but Vance, the leader doesn’t. He stops it when he sees it.” “We are only people at church. I won’t promise that not anyone will judge you. But you stay with your safe people, and you go to Sunday School with the intermediate kids. They learned to be compassionate, sweetheart. They have learned to accept Cait in their class, and they will accept you for as long as you need the safety of friends.” “Okay.” Cait watched while Mrs. Paterson didn’t actually participate in the touching. She was just there, talking to Grace while Grandma cleaned her up and made her feel better. They all walked down to the kitchen, where Cait found Billy and Ruth standing by their parents, and Sean was waving Cait and Eiboline to him, and the Pastor had a hand on Carl’s shoulder. “You’re not in our Sunday School,” Cait suddenly remembered and looked at Carl. “No. I’m going into seventh grade this next year. But I came with the other kids because they had to ask my Dad if they could all come out, and it be blessed by the church, so I asked to go.” “Wait! You let me tell you what to do with the snakes? And you let Rebecca boss you around?” “Rebecca was the church’s leader out there earlier. It was sanction by my dad acting as Pastor, so it was Rebecca’s play to set the example, and I just did what you are supposed to do. Adults listen to my dad even though I know for sure there are adults older than him. That’s how church works, Cait. It’s not always the oldest that leads. It’s the best person for the time.” “Oh. Daddy says he don’t go to a church were the leader is younger than him. He says a leader like that couldn’t know what older people need.” “The one in Missouri?” “Yeah.” “Well, God’s children are not perfect, Cait. He just doesn’t understand a few things. That’s okay. God loves him anyway. God can be mad at him and love him at the same time. He showed that with the Israel people many many times in the Bible.” “Okay.” “Now, I would like to offer a prayer, that yes, will encourage Grace and Cait tomorrow, but I’d like to bless all the families here, if that’s okay with everyone here.” Daddy nodded and so did Ruth’s family. Pastor looked at Mrs. Patterson. “I’m acting as Pastor, so you are acting as the Patterson head of house,” he told his wife. “I need your permission, too, if you want us included.” “Of course, Pastor. I just forgot myself.” “I know. And that’s okay. We both remind each other of things, right?” She nodded. After the prayer, everyone had dinner with the Kinsellas so the children were allowed to eat in the living room even though that meant they watched TV while they were eating. Chapter 105 The Healing That Cait Can’t Unsee As soon as Cait’s car arrived at church, she noticed that they were really early, like no one should be there, early, but there were some cars and some kids outside playing until they saw her car. Rebecca, Carl, Billy and Ruth, and two big kids, Grace’s age, came to the car with the Pastor. “I didn’t expect Patricia or Kate to hear me talk to their dad’s on the phone, no less, that we need to bless Cait and her friend to make them feel welcome today. When their dad asked about Cait’s friend, and they found out she was a teenager, the wanted to come.” Cait smiled. “You already have two teenager friends! See?” Grace blushed bright and looked down. “Until they find out.” “They already know,” Pastor Patterson sighed. “They heard me telling their parents and as teenagers do, deduced what was going on. They begged to come with their dads and there they are.” Kate opened the door for Grace. “Come on out of that car, sister. You with God’s people and friends now, sister. No one at church thinks that struggles are funny, especially when struggles hurt.” “Kate said it,” Patricia frowned. “I’m so sorry you were so lonely for over six years, but no more. You call me!” And Patricia gave Grace a number. “And if you lose my number because it’s just a piece of paper, you ask Cait to ask her cousins. They have everyone’s number because Sean is… special at our church.” “Now,” Sean looked down. “I’m just someone that sees someone hurting. I’m not the perfect parent as many of your parents already know.” “That’s why you’re so special though,” Kate looked up at Daddy’s face. “You lost something very precious and you still come, and you still preach kindness to those that need it, like last Sunday. Your talks… they never judge people like a lot of adults do. They just say… Look what I learned, and take what you want from it. I like your way.” Patricia put an arm around Grace. “Grace? If you poop your pants in the main meeting, we are sitting on each side of you. You get your Aunt or whatever you call her, but we’re coming, too. No one is alone in our church if they are hurting, okay?” “What? You’ll lose all your friends!” “No, Grace. Church isn’t school. And if a church friend said that we couldn’t uplift a struggling peer, then that’s not a church friend I want anyway,” Kate frowned at her. “Where’s your extra clothes in case your diaper leaks?” Patricia asked. “I… I don’t wear diapers.” Grace stammered. “Oh, okay. Well, even more important then, where are your extra clothes?” “Why?” “You think I’m letting you carry that burden by yourself, friend? You hand them to me. You’ll need help if you poop, and I’m not letting you sneak off to be lonely in a mess. You will come with me if you poop your pants, even if your Aunt comes with you.” “You’re not serious?” “Yes, Grace, we are,” Kate frowned. “We all have problems. We might not all pee our pants, but we all have difficulties that make us wonder if we are good people, and we all need help sometimes. You are allowed to not be perfect, and still have friends that care.” “I never saw you say nothing at school.” “Like I said, we not perfect, Grace. I saw what happened. Did you wonder where the sudden skirts and changes of panties came from when you saw the nurse, and you know you didn’t have those at home?” “You?” “Well, we both talked it over. You didn’t seem to want anyone to catch you doing it, so we decided just putting it on the nurse’s office with your name on it was enough. It gave you a change without having to face the people that you thought were judging.” “You did that?” “Yeah. I’m sorry we didn’t talk to you though, now. We thought we were helping. Then the pastor said Cait was inbisible, Cait’s way to say it, and that their son saw you get invisible, too, and then we knew we made a mistake. We’re sorry.” “I sometimes came to school in peed in pants. Without your stuff, people would think I’m more… stupid then because it happened in the day.” The girls looked at each other. “You can come to school with us for now on. We are on your bus. You come with us to the bathroom first thing starting September. If you got potties in your clothes, we change you, not the nurse, and not anyone else. Just three friends, and if people at school want to call us names, then they can do what they want, but I’ll be reporting any bullying that I personally see to the principal.” “Yeah,” said the other girl. “See? People already loved you,” Cait looked up at Grace. “You can go to their Sunday School if you want.” “No,” Kate frowned. “We will come to the little kid one, that way, Grace doesn’t have to choose, and she doesn’t have to poop her pants in front of strangers.” Grace started crying and peeing her pants right there. Cait knew the feeling. If she learned even one person had been on her side in second, third, or fourth grade, she wouldn’t know what to do, either. Cait started to pee, not because she wanted. Not because it was safe. Her body said… this is too much! The teenagers frowned. “Come on, girls. Mrs. Kinsella, we got the girls this time.” They walked Cait and Grace upstairs to the nursery and they sat on their knees Patricia in front of Cait and Kate in front of Grace. “The bullies sometimes come early. It’s safer to change you girls up here than in the bathroom.” “You’re going to change me?” Grace asked. “Not exactly,” Kate whispered. “We are going to help. If you get scared or stop and shake, then yes, I’ll finish what needs to be done, but no, I’m more here to support you as a fellow teen who has, peed my pants before.” “Not at sixteen…?” “No, not at sixteen yet, but still. When I was fifteen we were on vacation and didn’t stop on the road quick enough. I just changed. No big deal. My mom said it happens. But from what I can tell, and how you act at school, your mom doesn’t say that, does she?” “No.” “Well, I’m saying it, here. No big deal, even if you poop your pants in the main meeting. You just touch my arm and look at your lap, and that’s all you do.” Kate looked at Patricia. “Exactly. Subtle clues is less… scary.” The teenagers changed Cait and Grace and then they walked them down to the Pastor’s office. “Sorry,” Kate told the Pastor. “Private girl stuff. Didn’t mean to keep you.” Pastor Patteron smile and waved them off so he could bless Cait and Grace. “You remember what I said laying on of hands is?” he asked Cait. “Yeah?” “You can still say no, and we’ll just do a prayer. You have agency, child, even if your Daddy says it’s okay.” “I want a hands on my head thingy to see what it feel. But can I not like it next time?” “Sweetheart, Jesus understands if you feel scared or weird about certain things. Somethings need getting used to, and Jesus more than understands that. Do you know Jesus must have pooped his pants sometimes?” “What?” Grace asked. “The Bible says that when Jesus was alone before they came to crucify him, that he experienced every kind of shame and harm that can come upon man… and that man… means not just Daddies, but it means women and children, too. He knows how you kids feel.” “I never thought of God… you know…,” Grace frowned. “Most people too ashamed to ask for his help don’t think of God as taking on the shame and hurts they feel. But he had. That’s why he knows of your struggles, and he knows that if it hurt him, that imperfect people have a harder time with stuff like that. He loves you.” “Wow,” Cait whispered. “That not Mysery Daddy’s God even close.” Cait felt a light touch on her head. She felt the prayer over her. And then, something deep with her… A strong thank you and a strong love… and the hands were like not Sean, and Pastor, and two other men she barely knew touching her. No, they felt like something more… different than she ever knew. She felt love. She smiled. She looked up at the men, and her smile was ear to ear. She hugged them. “YOU love ME!” Grace sat and they asked her permission and then when they were doing it, Cait saw her relaxing. She smiled and relaxed more and more until when they were done, she was in tears. “Thank you for not judging me,” Grace frowned. “I peed, again. Not now. Before. Kate and Patricia… that’s why I got here late. They didn’t do it. I… made us late, peeing my….” “No, child. Jesus said, child, your comfort is important. He guided them to get you help. They knew that we were not late to start church. Jesus told them, child. No more self-blame over what you can’t help, child.” “Okay.” Grace and Cait sat through the meeting and in Sunday School, Mrs. Johnson did something different. “Cait, can you come up here and tell us what kindness means to you?” “You mean talk in front of everyone?” “If you are okay doing that.” “What if I get scared and peed my pants?” “No one should be looking at your pants, Cait. We should be listening to your words.” “Okay.” Cait walked nervously up next to Mrs. Johnson. “Can I allowed to pee my pants? I scared. I think it happen talking. I don’t go now. I just tried. Sorry.” “You have nothing to be sorry for Cait. You are just trying to do what makes you comfortable, hon. You’re allowed to wet or whatever, and so is your Peer-sister, Grace.” Grace had both Patricia and Kate sitting on either side of her, not really at a table, but at the back wall watching the little kids. Billy sat on the other side of Kate, and Ruth other the other side of Patricia. “Okay. But I think there different kind doings.” “That’s alright. Just speak from the heart until I interrupt telling you your time is up, or you finish. You have our full time, if you like, child.” “Well… there is one kindness where you use the heart. There is one kindness where you doing what you told. There is kindness you don’t do nothing. And there is the kindness that you say hurt stuff, and then there is the kindness you ignore because that person not someone you want to love.” “Those not kindness,” One fourth grader started to speak up, but Mrs. Johnson glanced at him, and he got quiet. “I talk about the one where you hurt someone first. I don’t mean be accident hurt, I mean you say the words and you do the actions you mean.” Cait sighed. Then she started to talk about them in the order of her importance. Second was doing what you were told, third was you do nothing, then the one where you ignore because you don’t love someone, and then the last one, the love. “Why I say this order? Because for me… and not eberybody has the same thinks, so it not the right order, just Cait order… is that this affect me like this order the more.” She looked around. “It easy to just not be like someone wrong doesn’t need you see. But this is the worst one. You think… well, I don’t say nothing at all, so I’m not being mean. You be more mean. That person becomed inbivisible and no one see her hurt now. She can’t get help because she doesn’t be for eberybody. She is just alone, like a Ghost that knows she’s there, but no one cares.” Some of the kids were crying with tears, not with voice when Cait finished words, and then the teacher looked at the clock. “That’s all the time we have. We can sing and then pray. I have something easy for you to do today. I challenge you to go home, and make someone in your family feel visible. Don’t look for a bad thing they did. Look for something that makes you love them, and tell them, you love them.” Mrs. Johnson gave us homework. And then after finish, Cait and Grace don’t even wetted their pants. And it was a good day. Chapter 106 Counseling at the Kinsellas “The girls got of the car in clean, dry dresses. Billy and Ruth were with them, and even Kate and Patricia had to each hold Cait and Ruth in their laps for lack of space in the car. Both of the big girls brushed back the little girl’s hair and whispered. “If you pee, it’s okay. We’re big girls. We can explain to our moms that a little kid sat in our lap and had an accident. They don’t need to know how old you little ones are.” Cait smiled up at Kate. “I don’t have to go though.” “Well, that’s good for you, hon. I’m happy that you won’t wet your pants, for your own happiness. But if you do… it’s okay.” “What about Grace?” “If she poops her pants in the car, that’s why are with you in the first place. She needs to know she has friends that won’t leave her like that.” Patricia patted Grace’s lap. “You are allowed to wet your pants. You are with real friends, right now, Grace. We love you with the kind of love that Jesus teaches. Jesus love means you love someone because they are a child of God, not because they can or can’t do something.” Grace nodded. “You people… you’re really… I don’t know what to say. But honestly? I already peed my pants earlier at church before the start. I don’t have to go right now.” “Well, that’s okay, then. I’m happy you’ll get home in a good mood.” “You two honestly been putting clothes for me at school and that’s why I had a diaper and a skirt to put on? I didn’t wear the diapers.” “We just thought the diaper would hide you peeing your pants. But we never cared if you wore it. It was in case you wanted to hide your accidents.” “Where you get the skirts?” “Out of our own clothes, of course. It was Patricia’s idea. We were thinking about going to Goodwill, but then thought… no. No one wants stuff from there, and kids will be more mean, so we decided we’d just drop off clothes for you and get them the week later from the nurse, telling her we lent you the clothes and want them back so we can wash them. The nurse gave us a funny look, but we just smiled at her. No one likes school lost and found stuff.” “There were panties in the clothes,” Grace said. “Of course there were,” Kate frowned. “Boys look at up girls skirts sometimes. Sometimes, it’s an accident. Sometimes, it’s curiosity. Sometimes… it’s just being creepy, but they do it. Do you think we’d leave you in a diaper without something to cover it? That would shame you worse than you peeing! We made sure the panties fit over the diaper, so if they fell down a little bit sometimes, we’re sorry.” Grace smiled. “I got it held in place with pins. I… I still don’t even know what to think. I pooped in those.” “So? You also washed it out. We saw.” “Yeah. The nurse said someone put the clothes there for me. I was embarrassed, and I thought it was just mom trying not to be shamed that she has to give her high school kid clothes so tried to pretend she barely knew me.” “Why would you think your mom was embarrassed of you?” “Because she is.” Both girls immediately hugged closer to her so Cait and Ruth were somewhat squished just as they arrived at the farm. Our friends had lunch with us and as they were about to go home, their parents picked them up, there was a different knock at the door. Cait ran over and opened it. Grace’s mom was there. “Get your pissy clothes and let’s….” “Hold on, Ma’am. You need to come in and do this right,” Sean said somewhat quietly. “You don’t tell a kid to get their pissy clothes. That kind of shaming isn’t allowed in this house. Grace, don’t you dare do anything that woman says until she asks you to do so respectfully.” Grace’s mom’s mouth open and closed several times. “Come and sit. You need to understand a few things before you just take your child home. It’s not about us telling you the rules of your house. It’s about us helping Grace communicate her problems.” “Okay,” Grace’s mom finally said something from her caught off guard mouth. “Grace, sweetheart, sit down in mommy’s lap.” “If she’s….” “Shut it woman,” Eiboline frowned. “What you do with your child out of our house is your choice, but in our house, even if she’s peed her pants, she’s sitting in your lap. It’s time she learns how much you love her.” The woman frowned, but patted her lap. “Fine.” Her face was red. “Do you know how long she’s been pooping her panties?” Sean asked. “I don’t know… since middle school?” “Before, mom,” Grace had tears in her eyes. “Since her Daddy left,” Cait said. “Since her fucking Daddy left and you just blame her and not loved her with hugs!” The woman looked at Cait. It looked like she wanted to say something. She didn’t. “Did your Daddy leave you when you a little kid like me?” Grace’s mom frowned. “I never even knew my Dad.” “Then you were kind of lucky,” Grace whispered. “Because if I didn’t know I had a Dad, maybe it wouldn’t have mattered if he had walked out. But nine years, I thought he loved me, and then I thought he didn’t love me. And I didn’t know what I did. And then I started to pee the bed. But people got more mad, and I started to pee my pants and then more people got mad. And now… it just comes out sometimes. Pee. Poop. It just comes out.” “Grace, that was six years….” Cait threw one of her blocks at the woman’s feet! “Don’t say that! Grace still has a nine year old locked in her heart because she scared, and you say six years like that means nothing! You don’t know fuck! You don’t know! Grainne, my sister! My sister!” And she started crying. “What? Aren’t you going to…?” “What?” Sean asked. “Smack her leg for being a child and telling you a raw truth? For losing control because she’s a child that knows what shaming a kid does to you? No. Cait is right. Six years mean nothing if you don’t address her losing something she thought was important in her baby years, and make her feel like a baby because that hurt is still trapped in her. Time doesn’t heal… not by itself it doesn’t.” “I don’t have anything….” “Liar!” Cait cried through her tears. “You have a sister that tears your baby down and doesn’t pay her fair just because she peed her pants! That you have a sister to talk to, and Grace just pees her pants! Grace has someone to talk to NOW! After how long? Huh?” “Now, Cait,” Daddy hugged her and held her. Eiboline frowned and looked at Grace’s mother. “Do you even know how to be a mother?” “Ask yourself that? Didn’t your kid die from keeping dangerous animals?” Sean stood up. “Eiboline, go make some tea, please.” Cait saw tears in Grandma’s eyes and she followed, then she watched as Grandma peed her pants again. That woman got to her. She got mad and walked back in. “Grandma tries, you Sullavich!” “Did you call me a son of a…?” “No. I called you something worse. I called you a bully! Sullaviches are bullies, and you are one!” Sean stood up. “Cait, not helping hon. Go look after Grandma, okay?” Cait walked away stomping. “Cait’s right. You are bullying your own daughter by letting your sister call her terrible things and blaming her instead of understanding her. You blamed Eiboline knowing that would make her lose it and need to calm down. The question is why?” “She said I was a bad mother….” “No. She asked you if you knew how to be one. Eiboline knows how to be one. She didn’t just let Ron wander by dangerous animals. She was way too over protective of him, actually. But what happened to Ron would have still happened if the bull wasn’t there.” “The bull gored him.” “If the bull wasn’t there, the snake would have bitten him. If your X wasn’t there, what harm would have caused your daughter to start peeing the bed? If you had held her the first time she peed the bed, what would have caused her to start pooping her pants?” The woman looked down. “I don’t know.” “That’s the reason that your child poops her pants. You are losing her, ma’am. She loves you right now. She said so the other night, but how long that love continues depends on you starting to see a hurting child rather than a burdensome teenager. That little lady doesn’t want to potty her pants. She has a trapped scared little girl in her heart that needs her mother, and you… you aren’t holding her and telling her that a little pee in her pants is okay.” “It’s not.” “Says who? Mom? School? Society? Who gets to judge your daughter so roughly for you? Who do you allow to condition your love for her?” The lady frowned. “Society will shame her.” “Society does that to teens no matter what they do. It’s the parents’ job to balance that with love. So when do you choose to hold her when she poops her pants and needs to be held and understood? You are running out of time. What you do right now… that’s up to you. But you will not tell her to get her pissy clothes in my house. You will tell her to get her things, if you can’t be more loving than that, and you will not swat her in my presence.” The mom frowned. “No. I’m not ready to go. Tell me what to do. I don’t mean this. I just… My sister says teens need boundaries. She’s teaching her responsibility. She’s helping me raise her… right?” “Well, your sister needs to learn how to talk to a hurting teen, or she’s going to hurt her niece far worse than she already is. Now, are you serious? Do you want help?” “Yes.” “Call Harmony. Setup a family counseling session and make your sister come to it with you, or else cut her off from Grace’s babysitting services. You don’t promise a teen twenty dollars and then rob her of it after she spends three hours of her own time… just because she happens to poop in her panty. It’s wrong. We paid her for her time, and if you let your sister do that to her again, I will report her to the police for robbery of a minor!” “I don’t think that’s a law.” “Stealing is,” Daddy frowned and Cait gave Daddy and then Grace some tea. She brought a glass in for Grace’s mommy, but she withheld the cup. “When you say sorry to Gracie for saying her clothes pissy, then I give you the tea. You don’t get any until you say sorry.” The woman started to cry and in tears said she was sorry. Maybe they were making some progress. Maybe. Cait laid on the floor by front city about an hour later, her thumb in her mouth, her Kooks on her chest, and her bottom starting to wet the carpet as she slept. Chapter 107 Return of the Ghost “Just twenty minutes, child! Just twenty! You some kind of a baby?” indistinct voices echoed in darkness. “Pissy little kid! I don’t believe you!” A deep breath. A hurt so bad, it was like a broked rib. A sensation. Poop started into her panties. “Come on, kid! That’s just an easy word! Are you stupid?” Burning liquid behind her eyes stung at her. Her legs pushed together harder. Wetness… warm, slime, disgusting pee spilling down her legs to the floor. She was bad. Still just echoes in the dark. Cait couldn’t see. She tried to reach with a part of her that wasn’t the outside of her body, but like she had an arm inside her body. She expected the overhead light. Where was the criminal stand where they make you go up and confess? Where was the ghost and lawyer Dan Dad? Where were the ac you za shuns? A single face appears. It was Angela. It just whispers. “You got me thrown out of Sunday School.” It stares into the dark. Then it just-a-dis-a-peers. A single face. It was Daddy. “You could be working at the farm, but we have to do something with you because you are too stupid to keep your panties dry.” it just-a-dis-a-peers. The wet is spreading on her back and all over her. It feels like watery-poops. “She makes Grainne poot her panties,” another echo in the dark. “She makes messes all over the house and gets her sisters hit for peeing their pants for her.” Cait starts whispering. “No. No. I didn’t. Don’t do it, Grainne. Let me pee my pants. Don’t get in the way….” As Cait whispered for Grainne to get out of the way, her face looks different, but it’s Grainne. She’s not in junior high. She’s in high school. She’s in a class. The teacher points to her to read…. Cait sat up breathing heavy. She felt around her, liquid everywhere. She smelled. She looked to Daddy’s favorite chair. Daddy was missing. She called out. “Grandma!” Steps from the room just beyond, and Grandma looked at the soaked carpet around Cait’s Front city, her form, and that spread to the bookcase against the wall that the kitchen shares. “Come here, child.” “I’m pooping my pants… on real ask a dent.” “I expected it to happen, hon. It’s okay. You’ve had a really hard day today. Sure, people loved you, but emotionally, it was hard. Grandma peed, too.” “I know. I got mad at that lady for maked you do that. That not someone I want my house. That why I mad.” Grandma nodded. “Cait, we can’t always throw things at people and demand they do what we say. You know that, right?” “Not even my own house?” Grandma paused. The question. It felt… right in Cait asking. Why was it wrong to defend your own house rules? “If you shoot someone that breaks in, but they don’t have a gun, you still go to jail.” “Yeah? But a block not a gun. It won’t kill.” “It’s the same action, Cait. If you throw a block today, what stops you throwing a book tomorrow and a knife next week? We have to learn healthy ways to state our anger without losing control. Anger is righteous, but actions are not anger. Actions are our choice to emotions like anger.” “I don’t understand.” “When you get mad at people, do you call them stupid or focker?” “Word is fucker, Grandma. And I say the bad one.” “So… fucker is the bad word?” “Not to me. But school it is.” “Why?” “Because stupid is more mean and it’s power is… really bad. Fuck doesn’t mean nothing assept you don’t liked.” “That’s a choice. Most kids say fucker when they are mad, and they say stupid when they are teasing, unless they have strict parents, then they say stupid both times. You could say stupid, though….” “Never!” “Why?” “Because even boy I hated not deserve dying for bad word like that. Fucker doesn’t mean stupid. It no meets nothing.” “You draw a line at that word. You can draw a line at throwing and aiming things at people, too, especially when you are mad. It doesn’t make them good, it just keeps you good.” “Okay.” Grandma helped Cait up off the floor. “Daddy is out in the yard checking the animals. You should be changed, but if you want Daddy to do it, you can wait.” “He didn’t leave?” “Why would he, hon?” “Why would Grace’s?” Eiboline shook her head. Cait whispered. “It gross. Grandma help?’ “Bring Kooks, hon. You need the comfort right now.” “Did you change your pants, Grandma?” “No, hon.” “Grandma. If I get sick wearing wet panties, how come you don’t get sick the same thing?” “I can…, hon.” “Do you need help? Not with doing it, but with your heart?” “Maybe, child.” “Then let me help and watch you change and hold you like you hold me.” “Maybe when you’re a little older, hon. Sean is my rock when I need help right now.” “Okay.” “You are a child. Your job is to be Grandma and Daddy’s little girl. That’s how you heal my heart if I’m sad enough to pee, okay?” “Okay.” After a bath, and Cait was fixed up in clean pajamas, Grandma brought her to the kitchen. “Help me make dinner for Daddy? He’s been doing so much on overtime that he’s now working a bit late on the farm.” “That where Daddy went?” “Yes, sweetheart. The animals still need to be bedded down and put in their face places.” “I should a been helping since I am the one that made all the people come.” “No, Cait. You were overloaded, and it’s the adults’ job to take care of little ones when they need it. You didn’t make any work for Daddy, no more than any of your friends did, and Daddy is so happy that you felt safe bringing Grace to our house instead of letting her suffer alone this weekend.” “I sorry Grandma. It not gets you trouble. It for helps. Daddy and Grandma don’t hit for it.” “Sorry?” Daddy asked. “Sometimes,” Cait frowned. “It doesn’t lie not to say something, but sometimes, it’s not mean tattle-taling to tell.” Grandma ma nodded with a small smile. “If you need to, Cait.” “Daddy? Grandma don’t mean it. Anyway it choice? You don’t hit for choicing? Grandma ask a dent tally forget to change her panty after she had argue with the woman that made her sad. Grandma said you her stone or something.” Daddy frowned. “What do you expect?” “Grandma said I too little to hold her sad. And she need holded so she can change pee peed panties. You hold her private so she doesn’t embarrassed I can see so she can be happy?” Daddy smiled at Cait. “Hon, Grandma will tell Daddy stuff like that when it’s appropriate. You are a smart little girl, but you need to understand, sometimes, if adults have issues, they need their own space to get help. Adults, especially ones like Grandma don’t usually need help like that. And if she did, we talk enough I’d know, Cait. You just love Grandma and don’t want to worry. Daddy will help her, when she’s ready.” “Okay. I not telling for mean. I scared Grandma sad.” “We understand. But you should give Grandma reasonable time to tell Daddy before you tell, if you are a little worried.” “Okay.” “You do understand that like your Father and mother in Missouri are married, the person you call Grandma and the person you call Daddy are the same age, and we are married, right?” “I know.” “Okay. I just don’t want you to get confused, little tiger.” “I just don’t like it when Grandma is too scared to change her panty.” “Daddy will take care of it later, hon, on Grandma’s time.” “She not get sick?” “No, hon. Daddy is looking out for her and she’s an adult. She knows enough to change herself if it bothers her.” “Okay. But how come I not smart enough that?” “It’s not about you being smart, sweetheart. There are two different things that is making your situation a lot more urgent that you change right away. One… and that one might be changing, but we’re not sure you’re fully out of the woods on… is that when you first came to us, you wouldn’t have changed your pants—not because you don’t know you should, but because you were scared to. Two, you have a health issue that the doctor is still working on that makes it very important to change you and keep you clean until it’s healthier.” “So. Because the stuff in the batter in my body make skin acid to make skin hurt is need to fix, and because I scared, I don’t choose change now?” “That’s basically it, hon. We will give you control of your own decisions with your body back to you, when you are healthy enough and not scared to do it on your own.” “Okay.” After dinner, Daddy and me readed A Spell for Chameleon again, and Grandma sat with me with clean pajamas on because even Daddy told me that Grandma choose when to change her panty, still changed right after we finish to eating dinner. Cait looked at Daddy while they were reading about this guy called Crumbie. “So, he can tell is something is danger to him?” “That’s right.” “So how he gotted injured if he can know it’s danger there?” “That’s a good question, Cait. Do you want to reread to see if you or I missed any important clue or detail?” “Okay.” There was darkness around Cait again. She felt something strange within herself, though this time. What it was, she didn’t know. She felt at her dress that somehow she knew she was wearing. This wasn’t nineteen eighties I know what a car Cait was. This was a different Cait… a magic girl Cait. Ghost was walking next to her, as a Ghost, and Kooks was walking next to her as a small but real walking bear that talked, too. “Kooks, Do you think the magician will help me?” “Well, the elders couldn’t help you. They said it would take the magician. The only way we will know if he will help, is if we ask him, right?” “What if it happens in front of him?” “Well, at least then he’ll be able to identify what is causing it. He is the most important wizard in all of Xanth, right?” “He’ll understand it for sure,” Ghost frowned. “But there is the question, do you want to be cut off from your magic forever? What if the thing that happens and your magic are the same sauce? Do you want to lose your magic just because you want to not do this thing?” “What thing does she do?” Kooks asked Ghost. “What do you mean, what thing? It’s the most horrible thing a person her age can do in all of Xanth! It’s a terrible thing that she does. But that’s not what I’m arguing. I’m just saying, if the sauce of her majik is the same as the sauce of her terrible thing, does she want to lose her majik and really destroy being in this safe place?” “Is it safe if the terrible thing she does makes people pick on her?” The majik doesn’t let them hurt her though.” “But they already hurt her even if you don’t see a blood or a cut.” The two looked at one another, and Cait looked down at the ground as the space between her legs got wet. “I don’t know if I want to lose my majik. But I don’t do nothing with the terrible hard things that happens, too.” “There’s a boy up there,” Ghost pointed out Shane? “I think I know him.” “How can you know him?” Ghost asked. “This is the first time we’ve put our seeing on him.” “I don’t know. I feel like he might get me though.” “We won’t, Cait,” Ghost frowned. “He’ll tell everyone how bad you are and ask you why you didn’t already trade your majik.” “He will?” “Hi. Are you Cait?” the boy asked the girl. “Yeah. Why come you know my name?” “The Magician said to look for you. He said you have a secret in your sauce that might help me. You can come back with me to my town and tell everyone I have majik.” “But I don’t know if I like my majik.” “What’s your majik.” “I don’t say it. Please. It is just a bad thing that no one wants.” Shane sighed. “Well, better that then something the most powerful wizard in Xanth knows you have something, but there is no proof it’s there.” “No. My trouble is…. Really bad. I don’t want to stay in Xanth if the trouble and the sauce cannot be apart and the trouble is taked away.” “Let’s see if the Good Magician will see you, then.” Shane frowned as he saw the ground, and he lifted her dress. “You peed your pants?” “I told you I don’t want to stay in Xanth!” she frowned. “Everyone lifts my skirt like it’s their right to know if I pee my pants or not… only majik telled on me and you already know, so why come always you gotta see it?” Shane shrugged. “It’s surprising. No one expects you to do it, you know.” Cait sighed and looked down. “I know. So shameful for me Dad who is the powerfullest man in North City.” “Well, let’s see if it can be taken apart from your real talent. I’m sure that has to be easier than my problems.” “What your problems?” “Majik makes me… nervous,” Shane frowned. “It’s hard to explain to everyone else, but since you do that…,” and he lifted my skirt again to watch me pee some more water through my panties, he sighed. “I guess you might understand. I do something like that, too.” “Pee your pants?” “Yeah. Only there’s no majik that does that to me.” “Oh.” Cait sat up awake in the dim of her room, her butt soaked and she looked around. The animal shrine on the dresser was still there. Bedroom Town was still on the floor. She was where she should be. She was just awake and she’d peed the bed again. “It was a dream?” she asked Ghost. “Yeah. Just a dream. Not like Grainne and Clo and Roisin are doing right now. Aoibhe is the only safe sister right now, and she’s not going to be safe for much longer. You are running out of time. And Grainne got hit last night.” “What do you mean, she got hit.” “She got out of bed. She tried to go potty like she always does. She didn’t get there in time, and she’s older than you. Dad got real mad her and she got it good last night.” “That… you can’t know that.” “Cait?” “Yeah?” “Call her. She pottied her pants. I’m telling you and she wet her pants in the hallway. Dad’s hit her like three times for peeing on the floor in the hall instead of in her bed.” “I… I can’t call.” “She pooped her pants, last night.” “You don’t know that. Stop it.” “If you say so,” Ghost whispered. “But she’s getting worse.” Chapter 108 Now, Do You See? A sudden phone call and the clock in the hall downstairs puts the small hand on the five and big hand on the four, made Cait jump. The balcony had overlooked the hall where the clock stood as Cait was walking with the ick of pee pulling her legs apart to keep from making it rub on her towards Daddy and Grandma’s room door. The phone rang through the house as Cait pushed door open and saw Grandma getting up. The shadow forms in the room like people without color and clear boundaries of eyes and mouth moved in the dim room to put on clothes. Cait looked down at her soaking wet pajama bottoms. “Pet? Is that you?” Grandma called out to Cait. “Daddy is getting up. You can turn on the light if you want and come and have him hold you. I need to answer the phone.” “I peed.” “It’s okay, sweetheart. You know that, don’t you?” “Yeah?” Grandma rushed downstairs to get the phone and Cait walked over and let Daddy pick her up. “I had dream, Daddy.” “A scary dream?” “No. Not even a court dream. It was different. But it was… the about me and I pee my pants again, and it was about Shane and he lifted my dress to watch me pee, but then he peed. It was confused.” “Sounds like it.” Daddy took Cait to the bathroom and started her bath. “Take your clothes off. You just wet, hon?” “Yeah? Just wet.” “Then you can wash yourself, but since Grandma is busy, can I just stay with you in case you need emotional support, and someone needs to do the medicine, right?” “Yeah, you stay. I want you to.” Grandma came up while Cait was washing her feet. “It’s Grace,” she whispered panic in her sounds from her mouth. “Her mom can’t find her. She called here first, accusing us of letting her stay the night again.” “So… where is she?” Cait turned to look at the doorway. “We don’t know, Caitakins. But Daddy will call the Pastor. He will have the church look for her.” “Doesn’t eberybody working on Monday?” Sean smiled and as he stood, he patted Cait’s head. “Now.” As Daddy walked out of the bathroom, Eiboline sat in his place and she put the back of a hand against Cait’s cheek. “Don’t worry, Pet. People will get to work, but Grace will be found.” “Vance says that teenagers tie waits to their hands and their feets and they jump in the deep part of a pool and don’t can get out because they alone! I can’t let Grace be alone!” “We’ll find her, hon.” Warmth push through her and a strange sensation of water fighting water pushed a pulse of Cait through the bath and she peed fully in the tub against the bathwater. Tears were blurring what she saw, so Grandma’s eyes were melting into her cheeks. Light dots took over for sharper images of what was what. Cait closed her eyes and more pee pushed and flooded through the water and into the tub. She started crying. “There, now,” Grandma got her out and saw pee come from the little girl’s body as she got her up and it spilled into the tub as Cait stood in the bath. Grandma said nothing about the pee. She just guided Cait to step out once it looked like the water leak turned off. Grandma took the little ten year old to the bedroom to look out the window naked for a minute, hand in hand. “They’ll find your friend, sweetheart. They have to. And her mom called as soon as she knew, so there is a better chance they will find her, hon.” “Okay.” Daddy picked up the phone almost as soon as it rang. He was the only one down there, so he must have done. Cait looked up at Grandma. “What that mean, someone called us?” Cait rain to hall and looked down over the fenced off balcony. “Daddy?” Daddy came into the hall part from the kitchen, and he smiled up giving Cait a thumbs up. Cait ran down the stairs not caring she was butt naked head to toe. She had to know. “Can I talk to Grace. Can I talk? Can I talk?” She wasn’t hearing Daddy’s answers, just whining for the phone until it was given to her. “Grace?” “I’m here.” “Why you don’t run our house? Why where you at?” “I didn’t plan to go anywhere anyone knew. Mom would check. Kate’s mom found me outside a Seven-eleven. She went jogging or something with Kate, and they found me.” “Do you need clean clothes?” “Kate put some of her clothes on me.” “The church found you, then?” “The church?” “Your mom called, and Daddy called the church.” “No, I think Kate’s mom found me before that. She found me like ninety min… I mean… about one little hand move and six numbers of the big hand move around the clock.” “How told you how I tell time?” “I WAS at your house all weekend. You didn’t think I heard Uncle tell you what we meant when we talked about how much time passed or will pass when we do something?” “Oh. Okay. You didn’t put waits on your hands and feets, did you?” “No. I did have a knife, but Kate being there, I dropped it.” Actions, time, clothes, everything was slow but confusing just there without Cait knowing. It was like she was in some slow moving but instant action after action effect until the car was moving. Cait was dressed. She was peeing her pants again… already. “Cait?” Grandma whispered. “Yeah?” “You friend, Grace is in real trouble. We are going to the hospital. They said an ambulance was going to take her to Mercy. I don’t know if we’ll get to see her, but if we do, she can’t be alone for a while, ever.” “What you mean, ever?” “I mean…, she goes in the bathroom for anything no matter how private, someone must come with her. Today a knife, tomorrow medicine, we won’t know if she finds access because the wrong trigger pushed her.” “She can just pee her pants.” “She could, but I don’t think that’s going to help enough, baby. She’s gonna want to use the toilet when she can, and denying her that basic decency might lead to further harm. She just needs to be watched, no matter what she’s doing. No one can really take their eyes off of her.” “Okay.” “The reason I’m telling you? If she goes to church with us again or gets to visit us again, you will be the one that will be with her. You can’t let her say, I’ll be a minute. You have to go with her, and tell her with your heart, why, baby. It’s a lot, but I don’t see anyway where you don’t end up being a lifeline at some point for her.” “Okay.” “Daddy and I will clean out the medicine cabinet and move all the poisonous and drug stuff along with razors out of it when we get home. Not that we are taking her with us today, but it’s something that we can’t forget to do.” “Okay.” The strange action freeze but already done passing events in the car… a stop light, the talk about Cait helping Grace, Cait pottying her pants-wetting them all over, and finally the view of hospital was just as confusing and out of whack as getting into the car. Cait first realized she was at the hospital when she was there. Everything else, somehow a sharp memory in her head, but a blur in action had her wondering how they were already at the hospital, and Daddy picking her wet little butt out of the car. He kissed her face as he did so. Cait carried by daddy, they walked through the double doors into the main hospital floor, and Daddy went to the ladies that do the front stuff. “We are here for Grace Billings? Sixteen years old, a girl that tried to commit suicide?” Sean told the lady. “Are you family?” “We should be,” Sean frowned. “No. We are concerned friends though.” “You can wait in the waiting room. You’ll need family clearance to see her.” Sean shook his head. “What does that mean when her dad isn’t in the picture and her mother and aunt… well, let’s say turtles take better care of their young?” “What do you know of this?” “I know on Friday, she ran away and that created a situation where she spent the weekend with us, but her mom took her home last night, and then she ran away again.” “You’ll have to wait, sir. I’m sorry.” Cait saw Patricia in the waiting room with her own parents. She squirmed to get down and ran over to her. “Do you know anything about Gracie?” “I’m sorry,” Patricia frowned. “I was hoping Kate would have said something by now, but I think she’s still with Gracie.” “So you didn’t can see her, yet?” Cait asked. “I don’t think they would have let Kate had she and her mom not been the ones that found her.” Cait sighed. “Did Grace’s mom come in?” “No. Not yet.” “Grace mom called us. I think she said Grace in trouble to stay our house last night, but she doesn’t. And then that’s all I know. Then we knowed Grace not home. Daddy called for church to find her.” “Yeah. We got called by the Hendersons when Ruth said that Kate and me were Gracie’s best friends. But if I was, really her friend, well, I wonder if she would have done this.” “She would,” Cait frowned. “It not just having friends. It about not being inbisible and she inbisible her mom. Daddy forced her told hold her, but I saw last night. She didn’t hold Grace right… not like Daddy Kinsella holds me, even when I got a big old disgusting stupid Cait mess in my panties, he still hold me like I love, and Gracie mom, even Gracie not peed her pants, doesn’t even get but maybe a little touch her back when she sit on mommy’s lap. That doesn’t see Gracie, Patrish. That only sees you told to hold something you don’t really know.” “Yeah. We watched her poop her pants last year in class. She was sent to the office, but she was in the office all day, probably in poopy panties. That’s when Kate and I started talking about maybe we had some clothes we wouldn’t mind if she had accidents in. So she didn’t have to wait all day for a mom that didn’t seem to ever get to the school while Gracie was sitting in filthy clothes.” “You love her, do you?” Cait asked. “Well, I don’t know,” Patricia frowned. “I mean, yeah, but you know, Jesus says love everyone. I don’t know if we really loved her. If we did, it feels like she wouldn’t have been wanting to do something like this.” “I do. I have Daddy Sean, but sometimes, I still feel… over not good welmded. I scared Grainne everyday. I don’t know if I go back December and if Daddy says I still poop my pants, so I bad and then Grainne worse. It not me. But even I have Daddy Sean, who she got who really take care her clothes, and her food, and her heart by big person who have words to help? You get good words your mom if you get upset? If you pooped your pants right now, your mom probably yell, but then if you start cry and you only poop in em… what your mom do, you think?” “I never thought about what my mom would do. I mean, I don’t poop my pants, do I?” “No. But if you did…. Would she make you wear all day at school while kids look at you? Would she call you to get your pissy pants to go home when she pick you up a friends, even you didn’t pee your pants that morning? Would she make you feel dirty every minute?” “I mean… I would hope not. I trust she won’t.” “Grace not have that trust, doesn’t she not? Her mom doing those things. And she can’t help it. She pooping her pants… maybe more than me now my handi-yah is not assept where it goes, in my stomach.” “I don’t know her mom,” Patricia frowned. “But you said she go school a week with dirty clothes. Why she do that if her mom good? She sixteen. She not poop her pants on want to so eberyone only see bad dirty girl. Don’tn’t she not?” Patricia frowned. “Yeah.” “And mom not go school all for the one day so she stay office dirty until you get her clothes?” “Yeah. That’s a good point for sure, Cait.” “Grace needs you, Patricia. Please promise you don’t make her inbisible and not see anymore? She need friends because she has no big people, and just because she big… I shouldn’t but I think Grandma forgiveses me. Grandma knows trauma… the wetting her pants kind. She understanded it. I don’t say how or when I knowed it. But you don’t ask. Not nice to make people see trauma that makes pee in pants of big age people. Not even you age.” “I think I understand. I know what you are talking about. The people my mom and dad talk to were talking about it lately since you came to stay with them. Some people gossip and a few people wondered if Mrs. Kinsella peed her pants in front of you at all?” “Why they say that?” “Her son. She has a really big responsibility to take care of you, and they say she neglected her kid and that got him killed. And for a long time after that, she peed her pants all the time.” “They wrong. She didn’t be inbisible their son. They maybe too strict him not to go place because they said farm danger and he kid. He want to play. It was all accident why I said to my play friends on Saturday, no one move even someone pee pants of snake! Snake did, and would do no matter how close watch because snake animal doesn’t know kid, and Ron forgot to look. It only one forget to look. So you always look my house. You even pee your pants, if I tell you or I don’t want you die.” Patricia frowned. “A snake killed him? They say a bull did.” “The bull tried to kill snake. It got excited to hit snake and head ask a dent tally hit boy in chest and he fall. Bull and boy like. The snake scared bull, and bull tried to do what animal do for animal it not like, but Ron there by ask a dent.” “You want me to pee my pants if I see a snake?” “Yes. Not just do it, do it. But no move. If you feel wetting in your panties, you do wetting not moving. Wet panties better than dead body.” “Oh, okay. I get it.” Chapter 109 My Queen Side Castle Kate walked quiet towards Cait and Patricia just as the Hendersons came in. Cait saw both Ruth and Kate, and she was torn, so she sat. Who is better right now? Cait had peed again while waiting in the waiting room, but she didn’t even feel it happen. She only knew she must have because there was a puddle in her chair and on the floor, and her pants felt wet when she saw Ruth. Kate stood in front of them first. “Gracie wanted to know if Cait was here. I didn’t know. She says…. She says that she needs to talk to Cait if Cait comes. I think she knew you’d come though. She doesn’t know she knew it.” Kate’s words were a whisper. Her hair was dirty and strangle strings down her face. It proved she never went home since finding Gracie. She had even peed her pants. Cait saw it. “How she is?” Cait asked as Ruth came up. “She’s shook. She had the knife on her stomach. She pushed it enough to make a cut, but it wasn’t bad. It was fixed with a band aid, but the deeper hurt is what is hard.” “I know,” Cait whispered. “She didn’t have nobody. If you don’t finded her, she would….” Cait eyes as realization suddenly hit her, caused her to shake and then burning tears slide out of her eyes and down her face. “Did she peed her pants?” “She had poop in her pants before I got to the Seven-Eleven and saw her.” “Did she…. Did she say she’s sorry?” Kate shook her head. “She just showed the knife, and she started to push it on her stomach with a grin that was scary. I don’t know why. It could have killed her now I think about it. My body just moved, and before I knew it, I had the knife that I threw at the ground breaking the handle. Then I held her. She peed on me while we waited for the ambulance.” “That’s being inbisible,” Cait whispered. “That what Mr. Vance said in playgroup. If no one is bisibling her, or some of us, then we get like his daughter, and he made the group to stop this. But it not the group that stopped her. It was Kate!” Grandma sighed. “Cait? I see how important your community is. I didn’t realize… until I heard Kate. Gracie is looking for you. Do you need Billy and Shane… and Gracie for our trip in two weeks?” Cait looked down. She didn’t know how to answer that generous offer. Grandma had said one. Now… was she going back on her word. Was she going to let her take more help with her? “I don’t know. I wanted Billy and Ruth. Billy protect and Ruth is my best friend in case I get scared and pee my pants and she will sit with me even I did. I think Grainne need Shane. Shane her age, and Shane has troubles. And he maybe gets why she do it because he does it not both of them because of something the doctor thinks got from sick, but with Grainne, I don’t know. That doctor not checked me good. But if she is or not sick, Shane still help her know, you don’t have to be stomach sick to pee your pants. You can be head sick and do it, and it not your fault even that.” Grandma sighed. “I’ll talk to the families, Cait. No promises. This is a big ask that most parents wouldn’t just agree. But I’ll ask, and of course, if we can wing it, Grace will come along, too.” Cait looked down. “Grandma? Shane is for Grainne. Ruth for me. Billy for Clo. Grace, if she comes, for the little sisters so they see that other kids pee and poop their pants too, so they not scared something wrong Grainne’s head. Everyone has reason. It’s not just want. I won’t ask you so much trouble… if it was just me or just Grainne.” “I know, baby. You need your pants changed?” “I peed, yeah, like two times.” “It’s okay. It happens when people get overwhelmed, sweetheart. You know.” “I know, Grandma. Don’t tell nobody nothing here. They don’t need to know my loving Grandma hurts, too. Only if you want it to know.” Cait walked over to a table they had in there, and sat in a chair. There were these pieces on a black and white board. One side had black shiny pieces, and the other side had white. “What this game?” Cait asked Daddy. “That’s called Chess.” “Chest?” “Sure, hon. Chess, though no T on the end.” “Okay.” “Here, let me show you a little bit now.” While Daddy was showing me, Shane walked in, and then to my surprise, Mia Wei and her family walked in with a little sister with her. “Where’s big sis she asked as she approached our table.” “No one can see her,” I whispered with tears in my eyes. “The doctor is waiting for her mom to give us permission, but I don’t think her mom is even here.” “How long you been here?” Mia Asked. “We been here since about six thirty.” “Wow! We just got the news,” Mia said looking up at the clock. I looked up and saw it was ten with the small hand and like near the three the big hand. “And you just been waiting here even though you can’t see her?” “I’m not leaving before I see her, and my Grandma and my Daddy know it.” “You peed.” Mia looked down at my pants. “So? I not leaving in case the doctor calls, so I didn’t tell Daddy I peed yet.” “You got really close with my big sister.” “She’s nice, Mia. She has trouble, but she’s really really nice. Her mom is mean though. She pees because her aunt is too hard for her, and her mom lets her aunt be that way. Do you know it?” “I never met her aunt.” “Me, too. I never met her aunt. I just listen her. I trust as she says it because that what friend does. You trust until someone saying do no sense. Then you ask, did she lie purpose, or did she lie because she not knowed the true.” “Yeah, I guess so,” Mia looked at the ground. “Look, I learning how to play ches...t. Daddy teaching me.” “Cool. Can I watch?” “Okay.” These really important people came in next. I know because they had suits, and they went to the window. They not that quiet, and I heard them say Grace’s name.” I felt so nervous, the rest of the pee that was leaking a little at time suddenly flooded into my pants and went all over the floor. I looked up at Daddy. “Those not hospital people, do they?” “No, Cait. I think their from government agencies. They might be from DHS.” “You said that word before to the Daddy in Mysery. You said Deashis might want to know what Daddy doing to Grainne and Clo and all of us.” “You remember that?” “Yeah. That when Daddy breaked into the bathroom on Grainne and was mad that her pants were wet, and I sitting her, made him think I peed her so she didn’t get trouble for doing what she told that we get bath before she even get to sit toilet because she always us first and then peed her pants.” “I didn’t even know about that part, hon. I just saw that he broke in on you girls and saw that you had not taken a bath yet, though the little kids and Clo had been in the bath.” “Yeah, I be membered. That Grainne hear Clo and ask her to go away because Grainne scared she peed and not that Clo knows, but if Grainne goes to Daddy in Mysery as she did, he mad. So I said she naked, but I knew Daddy out because he did two things you don’t do me. Clo said you want me, and to get there now. And two things you never do. If you want me and I don’t can finish something you said I can, then you always come get me, you don’t send someone if you can come, and you never rush my bath. So I know it doesn’t true and Clo lie, so I know only one thing maked her to lie. Daddy in Mysery told her that to say that.” Daddy smiled. “You are so smart, Cait. So smart.” “Your Dad causes your big sister to pee her pants?” Mia asked. “Not on purpose. He hates it when I pee my pants. That why I got sented to live with my cousins of my mom if they are mom’s cousins, but I told call Uncle and Aunt, but they love me too much to think just Uncle and Aunt, so I called Daddy and Grandma now.” “Does your Dad make you pee your pants, I mean, besides you doing it because of your head?” I frowned. “I had a Handiya in my guts pushed out and got in my chest and they pushed into where the pee holding batter is. And it maked the guts have harder something that caused poop trap and then only watery poops can come and it maked my batter not enough room, so it comes out faster. I had something but doctor of Mysery said I didn’t have nothing. So Daddy thoughted I doing pee in my pants at school because I want for get attention or maybe so I don’t read because I bad reading and maffts.” Mia frowned. “Daddy doesn’t like pee all over house. If I get pee start on the floor, don’t move. Pee ebery on it on the floor where I be so I don’t make mess bigger. And if I in bed, I always peed bed, so don’t allowed to get to bathroom at night because Daddy said I pee the floor and I maked mess, so keep mess my bed, so I peed the bed even I am waked.” “Gross,” Mia whispered. “I pee the bed, but I don’t just pee because I want, and I don’t sit there even if I am not making it to the toilet, I get out of bed and pee on the floor.” “I know. My Daddy here let me even walk the bathroom even if I peeing floor. He says my choice and if I get froze my scared or something, then it okay. He not mad it, but he said if I want… my feeling is more than just salts water.” “Salt water?” “That what Daddy says pee is.” Mia nodded. “My mom gets mad sometimes, but she’s not mad at me. She’s just upset because it makes us late if I pee the bed or wet my pants at breakfast. She gets upset if she just cleaned the floor or the kitchen, and I peed. But she’s not mad at me. She always says she’s sorry when I pee and she yells because I know she’s not mad at me. She’s just tired and frustrated that I am peeing where it was clean a minute ago.” “It could be easy Daddy if that the only thing. But this summer, he made it harder for my big sister not to wet her pants outside, assept it both big sisters, even the one that never peed her pants before. They workeding more than all day in the farm field with no bathroom, rule no take off panties or pull up skirt outside, and so they try to hold it all day… until I told Daddy last time we bisit that they right to pee on the field in pants because he wants them work and not go house and wasted time to use toilet and no one can waited ten hours. Even Grandma that I love so much doesn’t can wait ten hours. That not possible.” “That isn’t,” Mia nodded. “Grace is the same problems when she babysit. She doesn’t can leave her cousins by alone, but two are boys. And she gets in trouble when they have enough time for alone, so she doesn’t can go bathroom while she babysit them. And then she peed her pants. And last time they did that her, her aunt didn’t even paid her for babysit, and her mom agreed her aunt. That why she like Daddy on the farm, her aunt, and her mom like my mom on the farm. They acting the same! Plus she already has a cause to pee her pants, even the doctors don’t find it, and they don’t love her enough to find out it because she has bad hurt heart. Not the physical one, but the one that loves.” “I didn’t really know all that.” “That’s why she talks me, Mia. She said you never meaned to her, but she doesn’t asspect you can get it because you still too can’t assept that high school girl might poop her pants ebery day.” “I guess… yeah. It’s hard to believe. I kept wishing I had someone that at least doesn’t poop her pants when she’s telling me something she thinks I need to learn.” “You judging. Maybe you don’t can help it. But people can be hurt bad and pee pants even really big people like your mom age.” “I don’t….” “I know. That why you don’t get Grace. You don’t believe that. I know what you said it.” Mia frowned. “My mom can’t pee her pants.” “You never seen her not get to take break after six hours doing stuff and someone hurting her so bad she scared to taked the break to make it happen. You didn’t see her heart hurted so bad that something that happened cause it to maked her body do lost controlled.” “No.” “But our group, eberybody has broked heart. That why you there, too. Your mom might okay you peed, but you there because someone hurts your heart.” Mia looked down. “Yeah. Someone does.” “And you get scared of that someone, and it causes you to do it more than you do if not you get said something them.” “Yeah.” “Grace that all the time by her aunt and mom that trap her and no one on her side, and Group only one a week, and even church, yesterday her first time church and she finded out she friends at church that didn’t hurt her heart, but try to make her heart happy eben she peed pants or not.” “Okay,” Mia sighed. “I’m sorry I’m bad.” “Not bad,” I frowned and then stood up and hugged her. “You’re wet.” “I don’t have to hug you all the way. But that why you don’t friends. You scared to be messy if someone has trouble, and you don’t put whole heart for friends. Why?” “I don’t know.” “Maybe that why you at our group plus you pee your pants?” “I don’t know. Harmony just says the group will help me. I just don’t really hug, and I… maybe I don’t like to talk about hurting and heart stuff.” “And maybe you should?” “Why? It just hurts more.” “Because after it hurts more… when you find someone that listen, it feels better after you get over the hardest hurt.” “Really?” “I promise.” Mia reached out, and still didn’t exactly hug me, but she did touch my shoulder in something like the best hug I’ve ever seen her give anyone. Cait sighed. “Do you be member that Vance’s daughter tried to do things first before she killed in the pool?” “Yeah?” “Grace is trying, Mia. She is trying so hard, that she’s pooping her pants, and still no one that she needs is seeing. She being inbisiblized. And that why she tried to die tonight. She still loves her mom, but her mom doesn’t… see. Her mom maybe loves her, but she doesn’t see her. She’s giving up. And you don’t see her. No one that apposed to see her, and then she too scared to go my house because her mom call us first to not ask her worry, but to try to yell uncle put her phone and… and she has no one to help her no more. So she has no help to stay alived.” “Yeah?” “And if you don’t start to open your mom or someone, too? I don’t know your hurts, but I see it, in you can’t hug, you can’t talk, and you can’t get friends…. You going to hurt like Grace later. You need to get a friend you trust, Mia. You need to hurt real bad first and tell someone, before you get over the hardest thing and it start to make you feel you are okay.” Mia looked down at Cait’s lap. “You peed again.” “I don’t care. I just peed when the people over there came in. They here for Grace.”

Chapter 96 What They Say The kids were all sitting in a circle, before the playtime started, and Vance looked up at each of us before he started his open speaking session with them. Cait sat in Shane’s lap. “Shane? How come everyone has to hear us talk?” “It’s so that we learn that we aren’t alone, I think.” “But I got you. I got Grandma. I got Daddy. I got Billy and Ruth. I got Summerstone….” “But the only one that pees in your group there, is me. I think it’s so you don’t feel weird that you pee or something. Like, I… I get upset when kids at school say certain things that make me feel alone. Don’t you have that?” “I guess,” Cait looked down. “But there are people that don’t have to pee that are nice, too.” “Yeah. Maybe. But they don’t really get why you do it.” “Why that gotta matter? Don’t other people have trouble with stuff? Like died people they love, or maybe don’t good to do math or read? Why pee so different?” “Shane? Would you and Cait like to share what you are talking about?” Vance asked. “Oh, sorry, no.” Shane was in a hurry to say. “Well,” Cait frowned. “I have a question.” “Cait? You might regret saying anything,” Shane whispered. Cait looked up at him. “Shame is being powerful a ghost, you know. I don’t think I care about to say it.” Vance whispered. “Shane, we are all here because we have problems. You know, that’s what group is for, right? To help us sort them out? This is a safe place, son.” “Yeah, until fall starts and someone finds out somehow what we say in these meetings, and it spreads around town, right.” Cait turned in his lap and facing him, she patted his back. “Everyone has trouble. I promise.” “Cait is right,” Vance said. “There isn’t one person that doesn’t have their own struggles at your school, among your friends, or even in your family.” “I know,” Shane frowned. “But no one else pees their pants… just because….” Vance frowned. “Look behind you, Shane. Two high school kids are in the same situation you are.” “So…, Ethan and Grace really do just pee their pants just because the late bell rang at school?” Vance sighed. “They have their own issues they are dealing with that sound to them, just as silly, but I’m here to say, it’s not silly. Anything that affects your health, Shane, and all of you, is not silly or something to take lightly. And there is nothing wrong with you.” “Yeah? Well, everyone sees me, and they see a loser.” Vance sighed and Cait held him tighter. “Shane, we all feel like that,” Vance walked over and stood next to them. “You know that this isn’t your fault, don’t you?” He shrugged, his eyes watery. Cait clenched on him harder and she whispered in his ear. “Pee, Shane. I’m here. I want you to pee your pants on me. You hear? You my big brother, and if you are allowed, then I’m allowed.” Shane frowned. “Cait, I don’t think that’s going to help….” Shane’s pants started to wet into Cait’s dress and she whispered. “You’re not a loser. You are my big brother peer. I need you. I can’t do not sad if you can’t not be sad, I mean. I get okay to not scared here. You peed. I don’t only me pee, then I scared. You don’t come here because you got fixed it. It safe to peed here? Or it doesn’t?” Grace walked up behind Shane and Mia next to him on the other side. “I am called a loser, you know, too. We all are.” Shane nodded. “I pooped my pants earlier. That’s why I was crying. I had to come to the group, but I didn’t want to. I wanted to just… not even think about what I did. I… I hate pooping my pants.” Shane looked up at her, and Cait did, too. “I poot my pants, too,” Cait whispered up at her. “And I wear boy panties, not because I’m a boy, but because they let me hold it longer when I start to pre-pee my pants… so it’s not real pee a little longer so I can get on the toilet.” Grace put a hand on Shane’s shoulder. “Shane. It’s hard. And it doesn’t get any easier in high school if you still doing it there, either.” “But do you at least use the toilet during breaks?” Shane asked her. “Yeah… well… sometimes, I don’t.” “Oh.” “I sit in my chair and pee my pants and even poot them on purpose in class,” Cait whispered. “You do?” Grace asked. “Yeah. That what the teachers said.” “No,” Shane rubbed her back, back. “When you say on purpose, it means you choose to, Cait. Like I choose to pee my pants because the toilets are too far away from class, and time is limited, and you get in trouble for not being on time.” “Yeah. That sometimes the reason,” Cait whispered. “Sometimes. I just poop my pants because I started to wet, and scared to be seeded, so I poop em… I just push and it come out.” Grace frowned. “Yeah. I… I pooped when I was my cousins. I was supposed to be the big babysitter. Aunt was really mad.” “Did she hit you?” “No. I was supposed to get twenty dollars for watching them for like three hours. But when Aunt got home, I pooped my pants watching them, so she called my mom and said I taught her kids bad, so she wasn’t paying me.” “Did she even ask you what happened?” Shane whispered. “Why would she? It’s obvious to her. I just pooped my pants.” Cait rubbed her hand. “You didn’t just poop em though.” Grace frowned. “My mom asked me why I didn’t go to the bathroom when we were in the car….” Shane sighed. “And did you tell her?” “Why? I’m in high school and pooped my pants, on purpose. What can I say about that?” “You can tell her why you did it on purpose… I guess… but I get it. I don’t like to tell my mom when I peed either.” Shane shook a little. “I always tell Daddy-Sean when I go potty. He holds me and he even get me in his lap while I still peeing. He says it just water.” Cait frowned. “Daddy says I can poot my panties on purpose, even when I feel better. He says… helping me is to give me choice, not make me not do it.” Grace frowned. “Really?” “Daddy-Sean says it my body. It my choice. I only need choice. So he don’t ever mad I pee on I want to, only he help me not pee by not my choice.” “You’re a little girl, though, It’s maybe okay if you….” “No,” Vance shook his head. “Her being a little girl is not the point, Grace. She has struggles just like you do. She has fears and she has peers picking on her for the same things.” “So? What are we supposed to do about it?” Grace’s face was wet and she was shaking. Cait crawled out of Shane’s lap and she went and held Grace’s leg. “You don’t have to do what kids think is right,” Shane frowned. “I mean, it’s scary, but they don’t get you or me. They can laugh because they don’t know. “It’s not just what kids think, though,” Grace frowned and looked down. “I have to stop wetting my pants before September. I have to!” “Why come? Because they are callededing you names?” Cait asked. “No? It’s not just that; I won’t be loved.” Cait looked up at Vance. “Grace? What do you mean you won’t be loved? Do you think your mother wouldn’t love you?” “She doesn’t,” Grace whispered. “She just… she just gives me food, but she doesn’t talk with me. She… she says I’m bad.” Cait looked down. “What happeneding, Grace?” Cait pulled at her to pick her up. “You’re all going to say I’m bad.” Grace picked Cait up. “No,” Vance whispered. “We are not. We are all here for each other. Remember?” “Yeah,” Grace whispered. “I still hate being the big kid that pees her pants and then I am supposed to set the example, but I pooped my pants and caused little kids to think….” “That’s it though,” Cait cut her off. “In our group. All us kids eben big kids… you, and little kids...me; In our group… We already peededing our panties, so you don’t do it.” Vance sighed. “Grace, you are not giving any bad examples here when you have an accident or even need to talk through one you had somewhere else. Everyone here feels the same hurt and the same fear. That’s why we talk. You can process what is going on, and you will understand what you truly have control over and what you need to realize, you just need time for.” Cait reached around Grace’s back and patted Grace’s butt. “You allowed pooted your panties, Grace. I take you bathroom to change panties if you pooted or peed. Not because I good at clean, but because it get more scared by alone for ghost can telleding you lies that you don’t know.” Grace looked down. “Yeah?” “Yeah,” Cait hugged her. “And you not called Shane bad for pee pants for scared late, right?” “No? It’s not his fault if he is afraid of being late, and get there on time, but then can’t wait and pees.” Grace’s voice trailed to a whisper. “And that’s right. And it’s not your fault if you feel trapped while you are watching yoru cousins,” Vance said in a low calming voice. “Fear is real, Grace. Your feelings are real, and you need to understand them so you can face them.” Grace frowned. “It’s bad no matter what if a sixteen year old kid poops her pants or even pees on herself.” “Then my really big big loved people who is bigger much more big than sixteen bad?” Cat put her thumb in her mouth. “But I still loveding her even she peed her pants before.” “You know of someone that pees her pants that’s older than sixteen?” “Yeah. Bigger a lot more than sixteen. Loveding doesn’t get age time or getteding if you good or you don’t good something. Daddy in Wis con stanty saids it. Grandma saids it.” Grace made a sound that told Cait that she didn’t believe her. “Watch,” Cait frowned. Spreading her legs, she looked down at the floor and felt the first little gush pre-wet her panties. Her pre-pee. “What are you doing?” Grace and a few of the other girls asked. “I’m trieding to have a on a po-pose ask a dent.” “You can’t do that,” Heather whispered as Cait started to leak pee down her legs and a stream started to hit the floor. Cait pushed harder and made the stream more solid as it poured down under the dress and to the floor, half of it going down her legs. “Even you mad or someone calleding me stupid…? I don’t cared no more. Ghost not even not here no more. Ghost can’t stoppeding me pee my pants because I want. Daddy Sean said I apposed to listeneding at the doctor and eben that stops, he doesn’ted take me doctor to stop, but just to maked it a choose for me.” Grace frowned. “You’re just… just doing it. Just like that? I….” She started shaking. “Grace, come, hon,” Vance called her over and sat her in his lap in the chair where he faced the group. He holds kids in his lap all the time, normally the littler kids, but no one said anything about him holding her. Shane immediately put Cait in his lap while Cait was still trying to pee her pants. Vance patted Grace’s leg like Daddy did Cait’s at times, and Cait smiled and snugged into Shane’s lap, her skirt all wet. She whispered up at Shane. “I like you. You’re safe.” “You’re safe here,” Vance told Grace. “Whether you pee your pants on accident or on purpose, while you are in this room, you are not judged. You talk about what is going on and if you feel the need to wet your pants, or pee just comes out, it’s not a concern right now. What is the concern, is your feelings, kids.” Shane started to pee. Cait smiled and sucking her thumb, she continued to listen to Vance. “...many of you already know this story. I bring it up every few months, but I think it’s important. If you understand the damage you do to your own minds and your own bodies, then you’ll understand why it’s okay to potty your pants until you find better way to deal with your stress.” “He’s going to talk about why he started the group,” Shane whispered. “Oh. I want to hear this,” Cait sat up. “Hold me, though?” “As long as you don’t mind I’m still peeing.” “Wet your pants all the way, big brother. It’s nice when you do it. Makes me less scared to pee mine.” “...my daughter was in her first year in high school, and she… she dehydrated herself, asked kids about drugs that were supposed to control needing to pee in the day time, and eventually wore diapers to school until she finally said in her suicide note, that they found out she had diapers, and that was the last straw. She went into the swimming pool at school when they weren’t supposed to be in there, tied her arms and legs to weights, and stepped off the deep end of the pool fully clothed.” Cait’s eyes got big. “Apparently, she’d been dribbling pee into her panties for over two years by then, but she didn’t tell either her mom or me. Then, when she started high school, the strict schedule, the peers talking about her and making her scared to go into the bathroom… and she even tried to go in the boys’ twice but was shamed for that… she couldn’t take it anymore. She started peeing and even pooping her pants at school. Then as it got worse, she tried to find drugs, tried not to drink water at school, and all the time, thinking that she was unloveable if she was dirty… that’s what she heard at school….” He wiped a tear that traveled down his face. “Of course, I was her father. I had seen her pants were wet twice, but I was trying to trust she’d come to me, that it was private, but in the end, I ended up being the worst. I should have confronted her about the cause of her peeing her pants… school bullying.” He looked down. After a long moment, he looked up. “I won’t let another teenager feel lonely like that again. It was my promise on my daughter’s grave, that I would pay attention. That no child will ever have to carry shame alone because she or he…,” he looked at Shane and Ethan. Ethan was the eldest boy, a fifteen year old. “I will not let you feel so alone, that you think death is the only way out, kids. You may not know it, but for three months after my daughter died, I peed the bed.” The other kids looked down. “I don’t say this as in it is okay that an adult pees the bed. I say this to tell you, that we all process problems in our lives, and sometimes, it causes things to happen to us that others judge us for, but they don’t know your story. They cannot shame you, not really, not unless they’ve lived your story and found a healthy way to deal with it. We are all only human, children.” Cait rose her hand. “We don’t raise our hands in this playgroup, Cait. We are all equal. I am a facilitator not an authority. Just we only ask that we don’t speak over someone else. I was quiet, so you could speak, hon.” “Oh. It’s just….” “I know, Cait. Social norm. This class teaches agency though. It looks past what kids are supposed to do, and it gives you a voice so you are not scared to speak up. There are a few kids that wouldn’t speak up if I made the group like a school, hon. And for a few kids like Grace, that would cause more peeing in her pants. While I don’t mind it if she pees, I don’t want to be the cause of making her wet either. Make sense?” “Yeah.” “So, what did you want to say, hon?” “I forgot. But I peeded my pants on my brother.” “That’s okay, sweetie. If you think of what you wanted to say, you can speak up if no one is talking at the moment, okay?” “Okay.” “I’ll let you change in a minute, little lady. Let’s finish our communication part first, okay?” “Okay.” “So, children? I know that sometimes, parents are hard to talk to about issues in school. There are a lot of different issues in this room where peeing and even pooping your pants isn’t the main problem, it’s a symptom. But remember, we have peer buddies to help you start talking, but you should also find a safe adult and talk about the main causes of any stress you have whether that stress specifically makes you potty your pants or not, okay?” The kids nodded. “Okay, let’s go play, and anyone that needs a change of pants, if you need permission, come and get me, otherwise, you know where they are. Just big kids, you help the little kids, and little kids…, if your big kid peer pooped their pants, you get me so they get any extra help they need.” Then he let the children change and play. Chapter 97 Cait Learned Something When Cait got in the car nearly an hour after the communication part, she leaned up at Grandma. “It’s okay if you pee your pants, Grandma. My playgroup teacher pees the bed, or at least he did for a while. He said his kid in high school and drowned and it made him pee the bed.” “Now,” Sean patted Cait’s hand. “Let’s not bring up that unless we have to.” “Okay. I just wanted Grandma to know… I understand like you don’t whip me for peeing and pooping mine.” Sean smiled back at her. “She knows, hon. You have a good heart, but remember the lesson about not always having to say everything.” “Okay.” The ghost sat in the car next to her. She had on clean farmer jeans and a crisp clean pink shirt. She smiled at Cait. “What do you want?” she asked it. “You peed in the playgroup?” “How you know?” “You wearing different pants.” “I did.” “Why come the teacher telleding you that he peed the bed? Do you think he wants you to pee the bed?” “No. I mean. I don’t think he cares it. He just said it to say anyone can.” “Like Grandma?” “Yeah.” “Grandma shamed. You didn’t see her red face when you said she can pee her pants, did you?” “I saw.” “But you said it, but you didn’t say sorry, did you?” “Oh.” Cait leaned up. She whispered. “I didn’t want to make you sad Grandma.” “What do you mean, hon?” “I shouldn’t a said you can pee your pants.” “Cait… I’m not sad you said that.” “Okay. I thought you were.” “No, Cait.” “But Daddy said….” “Cait,” Daddy sighed. “Grandma had an accident while you were in there.” “Oh.” “You didn’t make her sad, but bigger people don’t like it said, even if they do it. Can you drop it for now, please?” “Yeah. I’m sorry.” “You didn’t know, hon,” Grandma’s chin sort of shook a little bit. I sat back. “You’re right ghost. I shouldn’t a said nothing.” “Told you.” Cait held Kooks close. “Can’t you tell me how to talk to big people so they don’t think I just… talking?” “I’m sorry,” Kooks frowned. “I just learning as you are.” “I can,” said Ghost. “No,” Cait frowned. “If Kooks just learning, then you just learning, too. You still too much Daddy in you… and I mean… the sad Daddy on the Mysery Farm.” The ghost crossed it’s arms. “I’ll pee my pants right here.” “So?” Cait frowned. “If I do it, it will make you do it. You know that.” “Yeah, I had a feeling.” “You don’t care?” “No. But I peed just not even an hour ago, so you don’t even gotta go right now. You’ll have to wait for a while until you can make me pee my pants.” “Fine. You win, this time.” When they got to the farm, Cait ran to Summerstone, but not to seek Summerstone himself, though she did pet him. She was looking for Ginger. “Ginger? You Summerstone’s mama, so you understand. Maybe you can teach me. I keep saying something that hurts Grandma, and maybe I hurt Shane. Maybe you can help me?” Ginger walked over and nuzzled Cait’s hair, like Summerstone does, but she didn’t taste it. “I told Grandma she’s allowed to pee her pants, but I guess kids can’t say that. It not our place to say what allowed. But Grace said about love, and I don’t know. It get all confuse my head.” Ginger snorted at Summerstone, and Summerstone pushed against me. “How I show Grandma I still love her?” The horses stood quietly by Cait and they just stood there while Cait brushed Summerstone. “Would Grandma feel less worried about being wet, if I just somehow peed my pants at the same time?” Cait asked Ginger. Ginger snorted and Summerstone pushed a little harder making Cait fall to the ground in the hay. Ginger snorted again. “But what I do?” Summerstone walked over and he stood side by side with Ginger. They seemed like one, and suddenly, mama horse pooped her panties, only horses don’t wear them, so it just went on the ground, but she did poop and if she had panties on, she would have pooped them. Summerstone paid no mind to it. He just nuzzled Ginger’s neck like he wanted her. “They’re telling you to just pretend nothing happened,” Cait heard the ghost. “What?” “Big people don’t need you to tell them it’s okay. They not like Grace and Shane who are scared like you.” “How you know about Grace?” “Kooks told me.” “Did not! You looked in my drawer of secrets against my will!” “There are no secrets from me,” Ghost said. “I been with Cait a lot longer than you have. I know what she needs.” The two of them glared at each other like they wanted to fight. “NOW,” Cait said Sean’s now, but she didn’t say it calm like he does. “If either of you say one more word to the other, even if you say it after the other, I don’t talk to the one or both who speaks the rest of the night.” They both got quiet. “Thank you, Ginger and Summerstone.” Cait got off the ground and brushed herself off. “I’m going to see if Grandma wants help cooking. See you both in the morning.” She skipped off, and somehow… it was more peaceful. She loved Kooks’s voice in her head, but right now, just a silent nothing was so… not full in her head… that she felt like an anvil was not only off her shoulders, but off her brain. She walked over to the table without a word, took the strainer and the bag of potatoes, and without even asking, just started peeling. Chapter 98 Cait Didn’t Expect That! The next morning, Cait woke up without any dreams. There were no arguments in her dreams with Cait, the Ghost, and Kooks. There were no spot lit acyouzasun rooms. There were no memories at all of the night’s visions. When she woke, she was simply in a wet bed, and she didn’t have to pee. “I peed the bed,” she told the Ghost. “I know. Good girl.” “Good girl because Daddy in Mysery, or Good girl because Daddy at here?” “Both?” the Ghost whispered. “Daddy in Mysery can’t hit you for peeing in the bed. And Daddy Sean is glad you don’t mind having wet your bed. “Go get them awake so he can change you. You want to see Summerstone” Cait pulled Kooks up from the floor using his leash that was always clipped to her shirts or pajama tops. She loved him clipped there. It felt like he was following her rather than her just carrying a non feeling toy. “Ghost is right for once,” Kookaberry told Cait. “You do want to see Summerstone, and you are supposed to get them when you pee because of the in-spection-thingy that hurts if you don’t get it watched.” “Okay. She hugged Kooks, and then she hugged the air. I still need you both. Just cause I told you to shut up last night doesn’t mean I hate you.” She got out of bed and walked to the bedroom door for her big loving people, but it opened before she knocked on it. “Morning, Cait,” Daddy reached down and hugged her. “Need a bath and medicine, hon?” “Yeah. It itching and it kind of hurts in a burn but not fire way? I can’t esplain it.” “It’s okay. I get it, hon. Want Grandma?” “Yeah. I need medicine. I love Daddy, but it feels… like Grandma should do medicine because of where.” “I fully understand, Pet. Grandma it is. When you are dressed, I’ll be outside, so you can come as long as you promise to watch the ground and animals for hints of danger.” “I promise.” When Cait was in the bath with Grandma, Cait noticed something! Ghost’s pajamas were off on the floor too… fully peed in. And she was in the bath with her? Didn’t Daddy say that Ghosts don’t like baths? Ghost smiled. “Ghosts don’t like baths because they force us to see who we are. Most the time, we scary and mean. But right now… I don’t feel scary and mean. I can see myself when I am not scary and mean. It’s kind of… new… kind of like… maybe the way it felt the first time Uncle held you after you pooped your pants. Do you remember how it felt?” “Scary.” “What was that?” Grandma asked. “Nothing, Grandma. I was just be member something, but I not scared. Promise. I can’t be scared Grandma helping me.” Cait walked hand in hand with Kooks holding her right hand and Ghost holding her left hand, though others would only see Kooks hanging from her shirt. She bounded over to Summerstone’s stable, and let him out leading him to her own pen. “Did you eat?” she asked Summerstone. Summerstone snorted. “No, you have to eat,” Cait told him. “I felt the same way about a bath and seeing you the other day. Did you know that? But Daddy said you’d know and it would scare you. So I take a bath first, now.” Summerstone bounced his head up and down that way that horses often walk. “So, did you eat?” Summerstone tasted Cait’s hair. Cait sighed and shut her pen up so Summerstone was safe, and then she went back to the stable to collect some of the feed hay for him, and brought it out to her pen and held it out for him. He started eating. After spending a little time with Summerstone, feeding, brushing, and talking to him, Daddy came to take Cait to breakfast. “I’m glad you are learning that you are the one that feeds him, when you’re home, sweetheart. It’s important not only to Summerstone, but to your own well-being, too.” “Why?” “It proves you CAN be a big girl and do big girl things, Cait. It proves that you are capable no matter what people have been telling you for a long time. Just because you can’t do some things, doesn’t mean you are useless and can’t do anything.” “Yeah. I guess so. I keep making mistakes with Impaty, though. I want to know that Grandma know I love, but I keep doing it wrong.” “That’s what adults are here, for Cait. You can’t just magically know everything that is socially right. Social isn’t exactly natural… not with people, anyway.” “Why?” “I don’t know, Cait. Sometimes, I wish we could just tell how we felt, and it would come across just as we mean it. But it doesn’t. Trust me, I didn’t fully understand it until I was in high school, and even then, I messed up sometimes.” “So even high school kids get sochul stunies stuff wrong?” “Even college kids… and even people who have lived as long as Grandma and Daddy, hon.” “So I not just bad?” “No. You are just learning, hon. Big difference. Bad people don’t care to learn. Learning people try to do better if they find out something is not right.” “I want to impatiply other people so they don’t hurt.” “I know, sweetheart. The words you are looking for… is probably, ‘show empathy, baby.” “Yeah, those words.” Cait was kicking her legs under the table lazily, playfully, and she was eating bacon, eggs, and toast with Daddy and Grandma when the phone rang. “Cait? Yes, she lives here. Who’s calling?” “You sound a little older.” “Did she do something?” “And Cait is going to help?” “Well, you can talk to her, I suppose. Cait? Your friend Grace from Play Group is on the phone.” Cait jumped up and ran to the phone and called into it. “Cait!” “Hey, Cait,” Grace whispered. “I really messed up last night.” “How?” “I peed the bed. I don’t know why. I… I don’t think I can go home anymore.” “What are you doeding now?” “I don’t know. I’m at the park. I’m just thinking. I don’t know who to call. You… you were so brave just peeing your pants yesterday in front of everyone. Even Heather doesn’t do it like that, and she’s a lot younger than you.” “Only two years.” “Well, you’re still brave. I just thought… I don’t have a safe adult to talk to, Cait. Can I… I know it’s weird. Can you call Shane for me? I think, he’s nice, but it would be really strange if I called him. I don’t want his parents to think I’m his girlfriend. That wouldn’t look good.” “I can call Shane.” “Can you come, too, so it doesn’t look like I’m just trying to meet him for… stupid reasons?” “Yeah, I ask my Daddy and Grandma.” “Okay. I’ll be at the park. I’ll be the only teenager sitting in wet pants, probably. So….” “Wait,” Cait frowned at the phone. “Grandma! Grace is scared! Can you talk to her? I don’t know what to say. I might make her sad. She’s… she’s scared.” Grandma answered the phone and then Cait went and sat on Sean’s lap. “I need to call Shane, and then ask him to meet me at the park as soon as possible. Grace. She needs Shane’s help, but she’s a high school kid, and Shane not, and she needs help, bad. She scaring me. When can we please please please go help her?” “Let me talk to Grandma. You go call Shane and see when he can be available, hon. Tell Grandma to have her call back in thirty minutes and every ten after that until she gets through so we can tell her when to expect us, okay?” “Okay.” As Cait told Grandma what to say, and Grandma hung up, Cait looked up at her. “It dirty. But she gonna be in pee pee pants. Can… only… can you let her wear something? I sorry. She scared. She said she peed her pants and wet the bed, and everything. She scared, Grandma.” “We’ll see what we can do for her, hon. You call Shane and see what his parents say, okay?” “Okay.” “Helloooo….” It was the voice of a girl maybe Cait’s age. “Hi. Is your brother home?” “Which one?” “Shane. He my peer helper. I need help, and he said I can ask anytime for help.” “I’ll get him. Mom! Shane’s Peer Group people need him!” “Shane!” Cait heard them calling around as if it was everyone’s place to know. Now, she realized with her heart sinking, that Grace was right to have Cait call. Grace would have hung up. Cait wanted to hang up, but Grace scared her too much than to worry about what a house of strangers thought. “Cait? You okay?” Shane sounded very supprized at me call him. “I okay, but not someone else. You be member Grace?” “The high school girl that poops her pants? Yeah?” “Yeah, well, don’t tell her that maybe, that how you be member her. She’s really sad it and she might not be able going home because she peed bed and she need help, and I thought you can… she thought you can talk her. Not that you can help, but just listen? Because you big kid not judge?” “Oh, yeah, I can do that. I didn’t mean it like that. It’s just….” “The group be member her wrong reason. How about she the only high school girl and she come and support us even she is sick, too? That better be members her!” “You’re right, Cait, I’m sorry. So…?” “My Daddy and Grandma talking it. Can we pick you up?” “Yeah, just um… come and get me when you are ready. I’ll be my house.” When Grace called next, Cait raced to the phone and took it. “This is Cait. Is this Grace?” “Yeah. I just did it again.” “It’s okay. You’re okay, Grace, you hear? My Grandma know zactly how to help. She get you clean cloziz that you like. But you tell what you like. Pants? Skirts?” “Long… really long shirt that can hide if I pee my pants?” “Yeah… and what for your waist? Skirt, shorts, or jeans? You choice. We don’t even mind you wear boy panties if you want. I wear them. Boy panties, you can pee a little more before you go to bathroom, it doesn’t wet your pants as fast as girls ones.” “Um… Girls ones, please. And… skirt?” “Okay. Gracie? It’s okay. You safe now. Grandma doesn’t mad about water. Daddy says that all pee is. Just dirty water. No one cares it like rain.” “Okay.” We got one of Grandma’s sleeping shirts and skirt for Gracie, and then we went to Shane’s house. He was out on the porch waiting for us. “Hey, Cait. Sorry about the phone earlier. I should have said the girl that helped you at group yesterday.” Cait shrugged. “I still learning what Daddy means. I don’t say nothing good, too, but I know by talking her, if you say you the girl that poops, she’s goinged to cry.” “Yeah, you’re right.” Once he was in the car, they drove to the park, and Grandma put an arm around Gracie. “Hon, before you and Shane and Cait talk? How about you come to the car with me first?” “Why?” “I’ll tell you when you get there, hon. It’s no one’s business but yours. The old man, Shane, and Cait will stay out here and wait for you. I promise. I’m not going to ask you any questions, but I have something you need.” “Okay.” Chapter 99 The Park Judgment When Grace came back, she looked at Sean. “Um… Mrs. Kinsella said if you can leave us at the park for about thirty minutes, and you can take her to mail Cait’s letters?” Sean smiled. “Now,” and he touched her shoulder for a minute and then he hugged Cait before he lumbered off leaving the three children to talk. When they were gone, Cait sat on the ground. “Well?” she looked up at the others. “Just cuz you big, you can’t sit on the grass?” Shane smiled and sat down and patted the grass between him and Cait. “Sit, Grace. Tell us what’s going on, okay?” Grace sighed, looked around twice, and then finally sat down. “I don’t know how to start. I’m just so… dirty.” “Na-uh,” Cait frowned at her. “That a bad word. That worse than you say fucker. Say fucker, Grace.” “I can’t!” “But you can call our friend is stink? How come you can say our friend, Grace is dirty but you can’t say a no meaning fucker?” Grace frowned. Shane sighed. “Gracie? She’s learning things a little different than normal, but honestly, it’s healthier. Why can’t you call out things that are unfair with bad words, but you can call yourself names? You know, Cait and I don’t think you stink, right? Or that you’re dirty?” “But I am,” Grace frowned. Cait crawled on her hands and knees and sat in her lap. “No, you not. You nice heart and you smell nice to me.” “I peed the bed, Cait!” “I pee the bed. This morning, I peededing it. I didn’t even care. I went to the door of Daddy bedroom, but he opened it already and he get Grandma, and I get a bath. You peededing the bed not is dirty. What dirty is if you don’t alloweding cleaned up after, and you in park in wet pants, and that bad, and that doesn’t you! That not you.” “It… it was. I ran out of the house before my mom saw what I did. I didn’t change.” “Yeah, but why?” Grace looked down. “She’s gonna be so pissed. I’m gonna get it if I go back. I don’t want to.” “She’s hitteding you?” “I don’t know,” Grace shrugged. “But she’ll tell people, and everyone will know.” “You can stay my house, but only ascept you have to not care you get peededing on because I been wetting the bed at night.” Grace frowned. “I… I’m bigger. I’ll probably get you wet more than you get me.” “So? We both peededing the bed, so it okay.” “Grace,” Shane took her hand. “You are not just a pee pants, and you just got scared. How do you know you will pee the bed all the time?” “I… I don’t pee the bed all the time.” “How often then?” “It’s the first time in bed.” Cait hugged her. “That why you get scarededing,” she rubbed Grace’s arm. “But you allowed to not get to bathroom if it happens. Daddy says so. You don’t get yelleding or askeding why you don’t go bathroom. If you neededing it, you get a bath from Grandma, but if you can do it, you just get clean clothes and pretend nothing big happeneding… because pee pants is just rain water on your pants.” “You don’t believe that, do you?” “At Daddy and Grandma house? Yes. I believe in them. At my Daddy and Mommy house in Mysery, no I don’t believe. Sisters get hitteding if I peededing pants in Mysery.” “Oh.” “Daddy Kinsella never hits, though. You don’t worry about Kinsella Daddy and Grandma, okay?” “Well, I’m not exactly. It’s my mom. She’s had it with me. I can’t watch my cousins right, I can’t sit in class or at church right, and I can’t even get up in the night now.” “You mighted beeding sick.” “What do you mean?” “Doctor says I keepeding to holdeding it bad all time, and it maded my body sick. So I poopeding my pants because I sick and the same thing makeding me pooteding my panties, makeding me pee on them.” “I don’t think I’m sick.” “Well, if you are or you not, still you have to be peeding in pants for something wrong. It not sense you go Group if it really your fault, Grace.” “I… I don’t know….” “Maybe my Grandma talk your mom,” Cait asked Grace. “Maybe Grandma can telleding your mom that you just need to see doctors and that doctors can be wrong, and that sick doesn’t have to lookeding bodies that are broken. It can be people brokeneding and hurteding her because they don’t want to understanded.” “What are you rambling on about?” Grace asked. “What meets rambling?” Cait squished her eyes together. “It means you talk and talk, but I can’t understand because you keep going before I can keep up with your last thing.” “Oh, I talkeding fast? Sorry. I mean… like at my home in Mysery, they call-eding me stupid because Doctor said my body look-eding good. Then Doctor here saided my body, my tummy stuff in my chest and in my place where pee supposed to stay. And it makeding my inside have harder turn, and then poop dried and then watery poops happeneding.” Cait tried to go slower, but she saw Shane and Grace still looking confused. “I don’t under-getteding big people words sometimes. I a little slow. I don’t even writeding or talkeding like my grade age. That what everyone says. I like belongeding kindergarten.” “Not Kindergarten both Shane and Grace frowned.” “Besides, you think I get all of the adult words they say?” Grace asked. Cait shrugged. “Why do you must getteding every word?” “How about, let’s start with you telling Cait and me how you think it is you peed the bed? It’s the first time. Something happened,” Shane put a hand on her leg. “We can listen. We can’t fix it, but we can support you.” “Well, I don’t know what happened,” Grace frowned. “I dreamed that I couldn’t find my little cousin. I was looking for him. I thought I had to pee, but I had to find him first. I never found him, and I woke up peeing the bed.” “You gotteding scared of losteding cousin ,” Cait frowned. “That how the ghost does it. It make you feeleding scared or shamed, and then your body get scarededing. And then you peededing your pants. That what it doeding to me, at least?” Grace nodded. “Yeah.” “You scarededing other people know. What happen when they knoweding you peededing?” “I don’t get paid for babysitting. I get called names. You know, Like I belong in baby school, and well, I just… I’m not supposed to.” Shane patted her arm. “I peed the bed last night. My sister caught me. She whispered to me to get my clothes changed, and then she took me to her bed and we slept the rest of the morning until time to get up. I don’t even know why she checked on me. She’s two years younger than me. It was really embarrassing, but it also felt good that she didn’t yell out to everyone why I was in her bed. She told everyone she got scared and I took her back to bed and fell asleep.” Grace frowned. “That what safe people doeding, Grace. They don’t care you peededing. They care you sad or happy. They want you to not scarededing you peededing in pants.” Cait looked up at Shane. “Right?” “Right.” “Grace?” Shane put an arm around her. “Anyone that actually cares about you? They don’t care if you pee, only if you feel scared and sad because of it. And they care if you need to see the doctor. Otherwise, they know you wouldn’t pee on purpose.” “You’re always scared at group, Shane.” she frowned at him. “Well, I don’t really know if anyone at group is judging me. But at home, other than my parents and younger brother and sisters telling everyone in the family I did it again, they don’t make fun of it. They always ask if… if I need help, and last night, my little sister acted like she was scared and made me take her to bed even though she knew I peed in the bed.” “Mom isn’t mean,” Grace whispered. “It’s just I’m always doing it. We see the doctor, and stuff, and she lets me see Harmony and lets me go to this group, but she’s… she’s just tired because I keep doing it.” “Do you tell your mommy about your scarededing?” Cait asked. “Right, because mom needs another reason to be upset at me?” Shane shook his head. “She wouldn’t be upset at you, Grace. Not if she loves you. She’d just be….” “She’s tired,” Grace frowned. “She’s not really mad at me, is she? But sometimes, it still feels like she wants to spank me even if she doesn’t do it.” Cait looked down. “I know that feeling. I knoweding it more than you know. Not the Kinsellas, but my Mysery home, where if I doeding it wrong, Daddy will spank with the belt, and I found out that he not only spankeding me, but he spankeding Grainne, my big sister, if I peeded wrong or I poopeded or it doeding it in my pants in public.” “He spanked your sister?” Shane frowned. “Grainne supposeded to teacheding me, but I found out Grainne doeding it, sometimes, and they saided it her fault I doeding it because she doeding it.” “Your sister wets her pants, she gets yelled at, then you wet your pants, then she and you get hit?” “I get hitteding if I do it wrong, but she gets hitteding even I doed it right.” Grace’s eyes got big. “Isn’t that abuse?” “What meets a-byou use?” “It means they hit you just because.” Cait shrugged. “There always a because. I don’t think it a-byou use.” Shane and Grace looked at each other. Shane sighed. “Grace, try something… unless your mom hits you for accidents?” “She doesn’t. She just tells my aunt, and then my aunt tells other people, church people, school people, just other people.” “Your mom just probably trying to askeding her what to do. Your aunt wrong. It not nice to tell people that you have trouble,” Cait patted her arm. “Your mom doesn’t hit?” Shane asked to be sure. “No.” “Try something,” Cait whispered. “It will feeleding bad at first, but if you doed it because you choosed it, it feeleding freed.” “What?” Grace looked at Cait like she wasn’t sure what Cait was going to say, but she seemed to think Cait might say something….” “Try to poopeding your panties, right now, on purpose.” “Why?” “Because you don’t go home right now. Grandma won’t send you home poopeding panties. Because, you can be allowed, and it be you choice and not scareded ghost choice.” “I’m not a little kid,” Grace started. “Cait’s not a little kid, exactly, either,” Shane suddenly said. “She knows what it feels like. She… she’s had trouble. You can see it in her eyes and her movements and her body if you look. She always glances around when it’s not her being… well what she did yesterday at group. Yesterday at group? That was… Cait actually didn’t look around and act like she was looking for someone to hit her.” Cait’s face blushed. “My Ghost is different since last night,” she whispered. “She’s sort of nice. Even got in the bath this morning.” The teens looked at each other. “Cait has a little kid’s imagination,” Grace said. “Yes, but her Ghost she talks about is real to her. It’s sort of the way she tries to understand her scared stuff or whatever apart from what the rest of her feels like… I think.” “Do you really think I should do what she is telling me to do… at sixteen… just do that?” “I don’t know. She told me to pee my pants on purpose at the library on Tuesday. It was scary at first. But then she told the whole library she was peeing her pants while she was in my lap… like she was the one that did it, when she knew full well I was peeing my pants.” “You did what she told you?” “Not just because she told me to… because… it was weird that day. These two kids that make fun of me at school all the time… they tried to shame me and I didn’t even pee, yet then, and Cait made the whole library look at them by calling them… she called them… she said to them….” Shane was acting like he was trying to take deeper breaths like the wolf that blew the pigs’ houses down. And finally he said it. “She said there goes two fuckers because they said there goes the town pee pee pants or something.” “What did they do?” “They looked at Cait and saw who she was looking at, and suddenly, they were the ones hurrying out of the library instead; being scared like me. They ran.” “She protected you?” “The only way she knew how. She called my tormentors that word, and then she pretended to pee her pants when she didn’t even do it… but she said that she was sorry she was peeing on me loud enough, that anyone seeing us while she was in my lap, assumed she was peeing her pants instead of me.” “That’s… that’s weird.” “I know. I’m just saying, if she tells you to poop your pants, she won’t let no one be mean to you if they think they see. She’s not like that.” “You don’t really think I should, though, right?” “Honestly? I don’t know what to think, Grace. But if you do or you don’t, just don’t think she’s being mean. That much, I know is not what she’s doing.” “Okay. But I can’t just poop my pants on purpose.” “Then don’t,” Shane shrugged. “Just…. Just hug her and tell Cait that she’s brave and a little girl, and that rules are different when you are in big kid school. She’s smart. She’ll get it.” Cait kissed Grace’s cheek. “You my big sister. I like you.” then she hugged her. Shane smiled and nodded at Cait, as if to say… “told you so.” Grace frowned and she looked down at her lap. Grace must have realized, she tried to push Cait off, but Cait clung tighter while she felt Grace peeing her pants. She stayed in her lap until Grace was done, and the after the wetness stop spreading against Cait, she looked up at her. “You feel scared?” Grace nodded. Her eyes were shiny. She was about to cry. “You allowed to peededing your pants, big sis. You know it doesn’t your fault. It doesn’t. I know you didn’t wanted to. You wouldn’t even do it on purpose when I told you to. You too scared to do it just like that. Anyone that can’t see that… they a fucker, Grace. You a good girl. I promise.” Eiboline walked over with Sean, and Eiboline saw Cait trying to kiss and hold the shaking crying big girl. “What happened?” Eiboline looked at Shane. “Grace had an accident, but she didn’t even realize she was peeing.” “Oh, no. Poor miss. Hey, Grace?” “What?” Grace’s tone was dis just be spectable. Her eyes were starting to spill water onto her cheeks. “Come on, you’re coming home with us, hon. You, too, Shane. Cait likes visitors, and we can get you both lunch, and we can provide a safe place for you both to get a bath, okay?” “I didn’t pee yet,” Shane frowned. “No…, but you know it’s okay if you do,” Eiboline nodded at him even as she helped Grace up to walk her to the truck. “Now,” Sean said and walked behind Grace, his hands on her shoulders. “I’ll just walk behind you so no one looks at your butt, okay?” When they were in the car, Shane scooted closer not further from Grace, and he hugged her. “You’re allowed. I don’t even go to high school yet, so you don’t need to think I’d tell anyone. And Cait’s in elementary school.” Cait crawled back into Grace’s lap. “I pee my pants all the time. Just pretend I peed on you if someone happens to see. I your little friend, and I had a accident because I a little kid and you were holding me. You didn’t pee.” “I told you Cait’s different,” Shane whispered. Grace frowned. “I’m getting her clothes all wet.” “Too late,” Cait said. “Daddy says he already gots lots a cows. Your mommy’s one cow not so big.” She giggled. “What?” Grace asked. “Oh, sorry, I forgot you didn’t say your mama will have a cow. My Daddy has a whole bunch, so if she has one, tell her that one isn’t a big deal because you saw a man have a million of them.” Both Shane and Grace snorted and then laughed. “Gracie?” Cait looked up at her with her finger in her mouth. “I… I’m kind of peeing for real in your lap. I don’t think I should pee in your lap without at least… but it’s going. I’m sorry.” Grace hugged her. “You’re the little girl. You said so. I… It’s weird… but it’s too late. You’re peeing. Just do it, okay?” “Sure?” “Yeah, Cait. You earned it. You sat on a big girl peeing herself. If I pushed you off, what kind of big friend would I be? You just let me pee on you, and I push you off for the same thing? Not going to happen, Cait,” and she pulled her closer. “Just pee, Cait. I don’t care.” Cait relaxed. “I not apposed to hold it.” “You said that last night,” Grace frowned. “Why?” “The doctors said my body got hurteding. I hold it too much all before. He said it hurted inside me, and outside me, I scared to tell someone, so I got bad stuff and my skin got injury. So he said tell someone. When we go home, Grandma put me clean panties fast and then put medicine because my skin hurteding.” “My skin hurts,” Grace’s face got red. “It itches a little, too.” “You might got the same thing,” Cait frowned. “Doctor said acid pee made by inside not good stuff inside can make your skin outside hurt and itch. Daddy says it itchy-ditches!” “Itchy-ditches?” Grace found herself giggling a little again. “Yeah,” Cait giggled. “That what he called it. It felt less like I did something when he said it, and it felt like funny.” “It does sound funny,” Grace agreed. Cait leaned up to the front of the car. “Daddy? Grace gots itchy-the-ditches. She says so. Can Grandma and Grace, and Grandma use some my medicine to help her? Please? It doesn’t feel good to have it, and she doesn’t know it doesn’t not apposed to happen just because she peed.” “We’ll see when we get home, Cait. But if her skin is broken down like that, maybe you shouldn’t pee on her baby. Your pee pee has stuff inside it that breaks bodies down and if she’s already got her own troubles, it will make it worse. You can sit next to her and hug her, hon.” “I didn’t mean to. Did I bad again?” “You didn’t know,” Grandma frowned. “You don’t do bad things Cait. You do things that you don’t understand. And most little kids do. But that’s one of the reasons you don’t sit on people and pee, hon. Unless they are brave enough tell you about their own itching-the-ditches, you don’t know if you are hurting their skin… especially since you know your waters are accidentally harmful right now.” “Okay.” “I want to hold her,” Grace whimpered. “She makes it feel warm right now in my lap. If she moves….” “That’s between you two then,” Grandma nodded with a smile. “But I am trying to teach Cait how to be careful and how to heal people without accidentally hurting them or their feelings. She’s little. She sometimes needs help to understand that things are different for big kids than younger kids.” “She’s really nice, though,” Grace smiled. “I don’t mind her mistakes. They are not the kind that tells the whole school that I poop my pants all the time… even if I do.”

Chapter 90 Grandma’s Water and Shame We pulled up to a place called Pizza Hut. The red and white building was shiny and smelled like cheese and food. Shane had on the shirt tied around his waist, but he smiled as Daddy put a hand on his shoulder. I had my Grandma’s hand in one hand, the other hand had it’s thumb in my mouth, and Kooks bounced off of my chest as Daddy pushed the door open for us and waited for all of us to go ahead. “Am I still allowed to use the bathroom?” Shane asked Uncle. “What kind of question is that, son? Of course you are.” “It’s just, I already….” “Regardless of what happens, son, in our place, there is no shame and there is no stripping of your free agency just because of one mistake. Besides, no use in making the mess bigger on yourself if you are willing to try to get to the toilet. This is about what makes you feel happy, not what I mind. You have a right.” “Well, some people who aren’t my parents can be a little… weird. I just didn’t want you to get mad.” Sean shook his head. “No one should be mad at a kid who is trying, son. Now, you go ahead and go with Eiboline to find us a table, that way, you’ll know where we are when you get out of the bathroom, okay?” “Yes sir.” “Yes, Sean, or if you prefer, Uncle Sean. There is no sir.” “Um…. Okay?” “I go with him, Daddy. He feel better if I go with.” “I don’t know about that, Cait.” “I do. I pee my pants and I’m wet. If I go with, everyone knows the little girl peed on him.” Daddy shook his head. “Well…. You should ask Shane about that.” “She can come if she wants, not because she peed, but just because she wants to. I don’t mind. It’s not like I’ll pull my pants down in front of her.” “I don’t know about her going in a boys’ room though,” Grandma frowned. “I’ll take her into the girls’ one,” Shane frowned. “I feel safer in a girls’ one anyway?” “Why is that?” Grandma asked. “Well, no one questions you going in a toilet stall in the girls’ ones because they don’t have urinals. If I go in the boys’ one, they look at you funny when you don’t poop, and then they look at me funny anyway when I drop my wet pants for all to see so I can pee again.” “I take you,” I took his hand firmly. “You taking your little sister to the bathroom, and you have to go, too, only I peed my pants on accident, but it’s too late me, but we in the bathroom, so you just go.” Shane frowned. “I feel like I shouldn’t use you like that.” “You not doing nothing wrong. I’m taking you. And you my big brother peer, right? You apposed to protet me? So you take me and I just peed my pants and not make it.” He nodded. “If you want… I guess.” “I want.” When we came back out, I ran over where Daddy was still waiting for the pizza and Shane sat at the table where he was in the big seat and away from where people can see easy him. “Daddy. He went. He wasn’t scared, so he didn’t peeded pants.” “Now.” And Daddy brought the pizza, and a lady brought the large glass jug of pop back to the table. “You said your parents are not exactly on you about the problems…,” Grandma frowned at Shane. “Why would you think you can’t use the bathroom just because of an accident?” “Oh, that’s not mom or dad…. I mean. I get a little bit embarrassed for them, and decide not to cause more shame on them when I know others will see me with them, if I can. But it’s not them… exactly.” “Well, do your parents know who shames you, son?” Daddy asked. Shane frowned. “I don’t tell them. I don’t want to cause trouble.” “But…. Maybe that’s what Daddy and Grandma been telling me. It doesn’t trouble anyone but you, if you get your pants wet, and if you get them wet again, you get just a not comfort ateble again.” Shane shook his head. “It’s different when you are older, Cait. In junior high school, and after you are a teenager, well, people look at you funny and they look at your parents funny when you’re… doing stuff.” Grandma made a scoffing laugh. “Those people should get a life. They don’t know what you’re going through, obviously. And Shane, you will never bother us if you get nervous one minute but expect to use the toilet the next. Your comfort is more important, and that’s why after pizza, we are not going to your parents to ask. If they are decent, as you say they are, they’ll be grateful. We are going to buy you three outfits, one you’ll wear home so you are dry and two you’ll keep at our house so next time you come all that way, and end up peeing on the way, you’ll have something to change into.” He nodded. “Um… okay.” The table was so pretty with white and red squared funny thing on it. It was almost like a blanket for a table. Cait giggled at the thought. Daddy poured pop into all the glasses. Cait thought some of the other tables had that adult yellow-y drink their big jugs, and the men and some of the big women were drinking it. Some kids drank water, and some drank pop. At Cait’s table, everyone drank just pop. “Yummy! Rootbeer!” Cait started eating her slice as fast as Grandma put it on her plate. It was hot and cheesy, and the topping was so juicy, it nearly seemed to melt the crust of the bottom part into her mouth as she bit down on it. Her eyes blurred a little and inside her mouth was hot. She should have tested it first. “Whoa, slow down there, little mouse,” Daddy whispered to Cait. He wiped a bit of something off of her cheek that she couldn’t see until his napkin pulled away and she saw the red pizza sauce. Cait giggled, but then she noticed Shane. He was squeezing his legs together even after he already peed minutes before. He kept trying to look down as people walked by the table. Trying to eat, his hands were shaking. He seemed to just be nibbling. “Shane? Hey, son? Look, you’re fine. No one is watching what you are doing, and most of the people in here are just eating. They don’t care enough to investigate what one boy sitting in a family is doing.” Grandma looked at him with this serious lines in her face like Grandma gets when she makes sure why I started crying. “Even if they tried to look, you got Daddy’s shirt on your lap, and you can just do this!” And Cait pulled her finger under one eye and stuck out her tongue at the next people walking by. Cait’s boldness was replied by a kid maybe her age, but a little younger, it was hard to tell who made their own nose pig face. They both smiled as the other kid’s mom whispered to him. Cait took a big bite of pizza again. “Daddy says that places like this are apposed to be fun. Even for big people. You don’t have to worry.” Shane smiled a little and took a bigger bite of his pizza. “So, Shane, your parents seem like decent people. When did your nervousness start?” Daddy asked. “Oh, well, I… I guess maybe in sixth grade? I had this one teacher… well, I think she meant to get us ready for high school or something, but I… I couldn’t figure out when it was okay to ask. Then in junior high… well… they have really strict rules. And if you are late… it’s like… you’re going to fail or something. I just can’t find the time to get to the bathroom. And then I started peeing my pants last year. And then it got worse. I pooped ‘em once.” “Your parents trying to help you?” Grandma asked. “Yeah. They took me to three doctors that said there’s nothing wrong with me, so they started to take me to Doctor Harmony. She says that my brain and my bladder get confused when I get nervous. My brain forgets to tell my bladder that it needs to wait especially when I’m taking a test or something.” “Yeah, that makes sense,” Grandma nodded. “Our brains do funny things when we get scared or nervous. Cait’s brain is still all over the place. She’s told herself a lot of untrue things about herself, but society and other people can really make it harder.” “Yeah,” Cait shivered. “It my ghost. She’s this really raggy clothing girl that sometimes wearing pee pee dress, but recently, her dress not always got pee pee in it. But it tells me I’m this really bad cuss word that Daddy doesn’t like. It’s like a millions time worse than Fu….” “Cait?” Daddy whispered. “Not here, hon. Remember how I said we need to be respectful of when we use that word? Well, this is not a good place to use it. Lots of small kids with families that wouldn’t understand, hon.” “Oh, okay.” Shane frowned. “My brain tells me the same. It says that I’ll never grow up, and I won’t become anything good because I can’t even be… as mature as my sisters.” Daddy frowned and reached across the table. “That’s the same things that Cait’s ghost tells her, alright. Your brain saying stuff like that to you, and Cait’s ghost, they are the same thing. They are just seen or heard differently by the two of you because of your different personalities.” “What does he know?” Ghost said about Daddy. I narrowed my eyes at it. “You know you’re not broken, don’t you?” Daddy asked. Shane shrugged. “You’re not. You’re just a kid that’s been frightened somehow by the school system, and it seems to be affecting more than school now. But Harmony is helping you, right? And you know, anytime you need some help and your parents are a bit busy, you can call us if we are home.” “Really?” “Sure. We’d be happy to help you, just like we are helping our little cousin. Cait needs a lot of help, and obviously, so do you.” Shane looked up. His eyes were watered in them. “Yeah. I think so. No shame, right?” “No shame,” Grandma patted his hand with hers, her voice as gentle as a breeze. “And you not alone,” Cait spoke loud and clear, pushing a half-eaten pizza slice towards him. “You got me, and Daddy, and Grandma. And Summerstone and Kooks. And Billy, and Ruth, and Megan. And Mrs. Harmony. And our group leader guy. We all gots Ghosts, but we can help one to another to make the ghost be shut up.” Shane finally let out a breath. A tear rolled down his cheek. “Okay. Okay. I get it.” “No,” Eiboline sighed. “I don’t think you do. Cait calls my… pre-pee. It’s something that she uses to help her shelter herself from her own ghost’s taunts, I supposed. But I think it’s time to let you both know.” “Eiboh. Here? Are you sure?” Grandma shrugged. “Why not? Cait has already guessed most of it. It’s been leaking out as fast as her little bladder does when she’s been waiting too long.” Cait looked up at Grandma and held her hand. “I love you, Grandma. Your ghost, whatever it might be… I am here.” She smiled and patted Cait’s hand. “Our son…, His name was Ron. He’d been so excited and had just turned twelve not long before. We’d been telling him he could wander around a little more freely when he turned twelve, but I kept putting it off, being… controlling.” Cait stood up and walked around to put herself in Grandma’s lap. “Well, we can’t protect kids forever. They need to be their own person. And I… I finally said that next day, after twelve, he’d get to go out there. I don’t know why I waited so long, and I saw the excitement. I should have done something… anything!” She started to sob a bit. Sean put a hand on her shoulder. “Now.” “His favorite among all the animals out there was this bull,” Auntie went on. “His name was Rosebud. Rosebud mostly just sniffed the flowers. He didn’t bother anyone….” Cait turned and hugged Grandma. “Ron had been twelve years old for about three days. I remember. He ran out and Shadow was running around him in circles. I still remember it. I started to say something to him, but he frowned at me. He thought I was going to say he could wait a few more days, and the look he gave me, I knew I couldn’t do that again. So I shook my head. ‘Just remember the snakes,’ was all I said, but he waved me off and ran out the door….” Grandma was shaking. “The dresser… I keep it like that because he arranged it like that for the last time. He hadn’t touched the animals on his dresser for about two weeks. He was supposed to be too big for little kids toys or something, but he left the toys on the dresser like that. I remember he was saying the dog, Shadow, was the most important animal on the farm. Shadow was telling the animals what their jobs were and telling them to be careful or something. The little colt was Ron. He had felt like the colt, always wanting to explore, but I kept him back so he didn’t go too far. I worried too much about him.” Cait frowned and looked up at Grandma. “At least you cared if he was around and didn’t send him where he wouldn’t be in the way. And you didn’t care if he did something, mad, you get your work a little slow.” Grandma patted Cait’s side. “I don’t know. I’m just like any other mother that sometimes got short tempered when he was in the way too much.” “Yeah?” Cait frowned. “Because you don’t act it around me.” “I think we just get older and wiser, Cait. And sometimes, when things like this happens, we really look at ourselves and wonder, was that little thing really that important?” I looked into Grandma’s eyes, but I don’t think I could ever see Father’s cruelty in them, or Mama’s saying I did something on purpose that I didn’t do on purpose, but I couldn’t help it. I didn’t have a good answer though. So I just leaned into her and hugged her. I think I was peeing my pants again. “I think it’s time to go ahead and call it a day,” Sean frowned. “Cait, come on, hon. Let Shane take you out to the car. Your Grandma needs a little help.” “Okay.” Chapter 91 Shopping Even Though Sean opened the car door next to me, and he bent down. “How wet do you feel, sweetheart?” I touched my skirt. It was dry. I felt under it and my panties didn’t feel nothing. Maybe I didn’t pee as much as I thought. I sighed. “I don’t think I peed for real, Daddy. I think maybe just some pre-pee or something.” “Okay. We need to get Shane some things to change into. I’m going to have Grandma stay in the car for now.” “How come?” “She’s upset, Cait. She wants Shane to have a change of clothes, but she’s still really hurting right now. We need to give her some space so she can process.” “I know how to be quiet if I sit with her, and I don’t scared to pee my pants if it comes out. I think Grandma needs someone.” “Are you sure, pet?” “Yeah.” “Eiboline? What do you think? Do you want some company, or should I take Cait in with me. She might not really understand that you may need space.” “She can stay, Sean. I just don’t feel like facing other people.” “Alright, Cait. But remember you don’t have to say everything you know. Let Grandma process.” “Okay?” I looked up at Daddy like I knew he wanted to tell me something. But what? “Just look after Grandma, Cait,” Daddy said. “And don’t say more than you have to right now. You’ll do fine.” Then he tucked my legs back into the car and made sure I was comfortable before closing the door. Cait looked the front and they were alone…. Grandma was still sad. Cait knew that she missed Ron, and that Ron had a deep impact on Grandma every time his name or his story came up. “You know, Grandma,” Cait whispered. “Ron loved you so much.” “Cait, there’s still things you don’t know.” “I know. But there’s a lot I do know.” Grandma turned and looked at Cait. “Just because of stuff happened, you don’t just become nice just because of stuff. If something happened me, I tell you right now, Daddy just blames Grainne for not teached me. He doesn’t think I did something.” Grandma frowned. “You don’t know that.” “Yes, I. Do. Daddy? Maybe he thinks I really am stupid. He thinks Cait is acting bad because Grainne has to help her do it. He thinks Cait can be bad because Grandma and Daddy-Sean. But he doesn’t know I smarter, and I give up to pee in bed at the Mysery place because he said the rule. I get troubleding for get no pee in bed, so I peed in bed. I getteding in trouble for school to wasting the teacher’s time, so I peededing my pants in the seat to not get in troubled. I did it because his rules before I didn’t do it because his rules. I don’t know when it started to not be his rules, and I just couldn’t not do it.” Eiboline frowned. “Don’t call yourself stupid.” “I didn’t. I told you what Daddy called me, and that is the truth. And I know Mommy maybe thinking… The doctor? Maybe Cait doesn’t do it. But I can’t leave Daddy. How can we live? And the Bible says you don’t leave your made child with man. It says it like that in the Bible. Daddy even tells Mommy, and Mommy agrees.” Grandma sighed. “Well, I still should have walked out there with him, the first time, to make sure.” Cait shrugged. “He runned. You don’t know if he run one field or another field. You following. He still going to be in front. He too ascited, and it just happened. You think it my fault the poopy just gets into my panties when I tried to stop it? Daddy’s rule doesn’t do it at Grandma’s house, and I don’t want it, but it comes out….” Grandma frowned. “That’s different.” “How? The dirty stuff just goes when it wants and I telling it no. And Ron running with fun and you say no, but he just playing?” Grandma frowned. “Yeah. I guess.” Cait leaned up and placed Kooks in Grandma’s lap by having it slide down from her shoulder. “Kooks says you lonely. He’s good at helping chomp lies and ghosts, Grandma.” Grandma patted Cait’s hand. Grandma shifted uncomfortably. Did Cait hear a strange sound she’s used to hearing when she? No. This is Grandma. Not Grandma. Okay, she did it once, but this is Grandma, and the only other time, they were across from the field where Ron buried, and on the day that he died… right? Cait sat back. “I be membered when I was in second grade. I peed. Know what Grainne did?” She looked up towards the front. “She spilled water all over me on purpose, but she drop the glass, and then she said sorry. I looked up confused. Then Daddy frowned at Grainne. Daddy said, “Watch it, clumsy!” Grandma looked down. “Did someone ever have to do that for Ron because he scared you mad?” Eiboline frowned and shook her head. “Did Ron read good at school? He did because you teached him reading. Right?” “I didn’t teach him anything, Cait. We just read to him.” “You read to him. He didn’t do it alone. You maked him smart.” Grandma smiled back to me. She leaned back further to see, and then Cait noticed. There was pee in Grandma’s seat. She peed her pants. Did she pee in the restaurant? Poor Grandma. But then that makes sense. They were talking about Ron, and the last time Grandma admitted to Cait about Ron, she pee her pants then, too, when Grandma said it was the day that Ron got horneded. “Can I go in the store, Grandma? I have to. Please? I sorry.” “You know to look carefully in the parking lot?” “Yeah. This not farm, Grandma. I know cars.” “Okay.” Chapter 92 Grandma’s Needs Cait ran into the store and she looked around. What was she going to do? Grandma was hurteding, and she didn’t know what to say to Sean, but Grandma needed her confident Grandma-y way back. She needed clean pants and to be happy. She saw the signs for the bathrooms, but she passed them by even though her stomach rumbled and told her she might should go there. Grandma was more important though. Cait pushed herself through the store looking for Sean, knowing he would be in the boys’ stuff because they were getting Shane stuff for when he comes over. That’s what they talked about last. “You’re gonna shit your pants,” the ghost whispered at her. “Shut up, Ghost, I’m busy,” Cait whispered to herself. She then looked around with her thumb in her mouth, and tears in her eyes, whining as if she was crying and lost. “Daddy has to be in this area. This is the boyses place, isn’t it?” Her pre-pee first little spray dampened her underpants. “Not now. You need to hold it,” she scolded herself. “Grandma needs help.” She saw clothes for boys, but didn’t see Daddy. Where was he? She sighed and picked up a pair of jeans from the shelf, and when they dropped unfolding down in front of her, she realized that these were way too small for Shane. Maybe he wasn’t in the kid area. Maybe Daddy and Shane were in the big people area with stuff for his size. More pee pushed into her panties, and she bent down with another whimper. “Stop it, Ghost. I need to get help from Grandma.” “I’m not doing it,” Ghost appeared feet from her. “You’re the one that’s peeing your pants. I wasn’t doing nothing but telling you that you were going to do it. We saw the bathroom and you just went by it.” “I have to help Grandma. Make me stop peeing.” “I can’t,” Ghost said as Cait watched her starting to wet her own panties, too. Cait felt the pee pushing fully into her panties, and she sat there and started to cry. Eventually, and this really big boy, bigger than Shane, stopped and bent down to her. “My Daddy in here with my brother,” Cait whined. “When I tried to go to the bathroom, I couldn’t find it in time, and I want my Daddy.” She didn’t even think about how she was lying or what she was saying. She was hurting, and everyone was watching, and poop was starting to slip into her panties now. The kind young teenager took her by her hand and took her to the customer service person. “She’s lost her parent,” the boy said. “I found her peeing her pants. She’s scared.” “Do you know your Daddy’s name?” the customer service person frowned looking at Cait, caught between the judgment of her age and the vulnerability of her thumb in her mouth. “Sean… Sean Kinsella.” “Why did you pee your pants, child?” he asked after calling up the speaker thingy and telling Sean where Cait was. Cait shrugged. “I couldn’t find my Daddy and my brother,” she still whined when she talked about it, and she put her thumb back in her mouth. “Why are you questioning a little kid about wetting her pants,” the boy that found her asked the store customer service guy. “She’s a baby. You’re just going to make her cry again. Can’t you see she didn’t mean to?” The boy hugged me sideways. “It’s okay. I’ll sit with you until you find your Daddy, little girl. My name is Jim.” “I’m gonna be eleven soon, but I have troubles with pee. I seeing a doctor for it.” “Well, that explains it. I’m going to be fifteen soon. I could tell you were a little old to wet your pants, but I wasn’t going to tell that judging man that. I just… I knew there had to be more to it, for a kid like you to be in wet pants.” “I have a doctor trouble. They trying to fix it.” Sean came walking with Shane, and Shane suddenly stopped. Cait ran towards Sean. “Shane? Hey, are you okay?” Jim asked. “Um… aren’t you going to say something… about it?” Shane looked down. “About what?” “You know….” Jim sighed his dirty blond hair rested on his shoulders. “You may not have noticed, but not everyone at school last year thought that you peeing your pants was funny.” Shane shrugged. “I mean it. I don’t know what your issues are, but don’t think I’m like Scott and Barbara. I just…. You know what school’s like. I couldn’t say anything, but that doesn’t mean I agreed with them.” “Whatever.” “Not whatever,” Cait turned around at Shane. “He’s trying to be your friend. You know what happened me the first day I go church?” “You peed?” “Yeah, but then this whole room of kids suddenly… well, it started small. First this boy in church says to sixth grade table, and he knows I peeing my pants already. His sister is my friend. He tells the sixth graders to not pick me reading. He told them I sick. The fifth graders heard.” “So? He made everyone laugh at you?” “No? He made everyone get mad at this girl that tried to laugh at me. He caused the whole fifth grade table to get up and walk away from the bully! If you let him, Jim could do that for you.” Shane frowned. “I didn’t….” Cait sighed. “You didn’t give him a chance to be your side. You too scared what they always do. But what they always do, not what they always do.” “Know what?” Cait said tapping her chin thoughtful. “This girl in Sunday School was a little bit… mean… to a point. I be member now. She thought it funny I don’t read good, but then my friend’s brother said I sick. And he told everyone hard that I get sick and then scared, but didn’t say what happens when it happened. So when I peed, the girl that was a little mean… This per...fect….” Cait grinned and rolled her eyes. “Per...fect,” she emphasized. “She started to call me gross or something and suddenly the first mean girl said that to the meaner kid, ‘you goed too far. You herd she sick.’ and she moved away from her, then the whole fifth grade table moved. But I wouldn’t know she was not that mean if the first mean girl didn’t get… like evil mean.” “Fine, I’m sorry,” Shane offered his hand. “It’s just….” “Hard,” Jim frowned. “I wear old stuff to school. Sometimes, I wear the same clothes. It’s not my fault, but everyone acts like I have thousands of nice expensive shirts and pants to choose from, and I just want to look like rags at school. I know it’s hard. I know it’s not the same thing as peeing, but it’s still hard. I’m a nerd. I’m not smart about new movies out, I’m a loser. I still feel hurt even if my stress isn’t medical like yours.” “It’s not medical,” Shane frowned. “Yes, it is,” Jim frowned at Shane. “Just because they can’t find a physical reason doesn’t mean you do it because you want to. Something causes it, and it’s not my business what it is. What is my business, is I don’t have to be an asshole, but trust me… me trying to defend you at school will not work out for either of us. I’ve tried before.” Shane nodded. “Yeah.” Daddy, then turned to me. “You came in when you said you wanted to stay in the car, hon. Were you trying to find a toilet?” Cait looked at Jim. “Yeah,” she lied. Daddy frowned. “Okay. Hold my hand.” “Um… It’s not just that, though. Can we say secrets not in front of Shane and Jim?” “Why hon?” “Because….” “Shane, are you okay with Jim for a moment. I’ll come right back here. Cait has a private thing she wants to say. I’ll just take her over there, so she feels we’re not being listened in on.” “Okay, Cait. But you know, I don’t judge you. Jim will tell you, I can’t.” “It’s not you. It’s just… it’s not my story but something I have to tell Daddy.” “Okay.” When they were far enough from other people, and Cait kept looking around to make sure no one was lingering near them, she sighed. “Daddy? Grandma peed in the car or the restaurant. She doesn’t know I know. I didn’t tell her. I just wanted to go in the store. She really upset. Can you do something to her change her pants so she doesn’t be lonely?” “We’ll get Grandma something,” Daddy nodded patting her wet bottom. “And then when we go out, you can ask Grandma to take you to change your clothes or however you want to frame it.” “Okay. Don’t tell Shane yet. I don’t care he knows I pee. We same playgroup, but don’t tell him Grandma. He not exactly… that close.” “Okay.” Chapter 93 Safety of Home It had been a very long day. Mostly, it was a good day. Shane went to the library with her, she learned a little bit more about why the shrine in her bedroom was so important, so much so, that Cait even decided to put the pieces back exactly as she could remember them to be. She had been a little bit testy trying to move them little by little to tell her own story, but then Grandma said the baby horse was Ron. It was more important now that she understood that the pony was further from its mom than in her story where she kept inching it closer to its mom. In Cait’s mind, the pony needed protection. In Ron’s mind, the pony wanted freedom. If Grandma had noticed what Cait was doing with that, and some of the others, she never said a word. As Cait eyed the pony from the fence, trying to put it exactly where it should be, there was a knock at the door. Cait turned and saw Grandma coming in. “I was putting it back, Grandma. I moved it a little bit. And I moved the dog, too. And I moved that one.” She pointed at a fence worker. “But I put them back. When you told us in the restaurant, and then you… um… had a accident in the car? I had to put it back. I understand now what means sr-I-n that you said before this is.” Grandma smiled. “I noticed. What am I going to do, little one. You’re a child, and you see toys. You kept it mostly the way I wanted it. You’re an explorer, just like Ron was. You’re just… more careful than he was I suppose?” Cait ran over and hugged her. “I’m sorry I saw you pee your pants.” “I’m not,” Grandma sighed. “It’s just water, whether you do it, or even if I get depressed. Truth is, I been wetting myself for a while, usually around this time of the year, maybe five or six times and then it stops again for a while. We went to a doctor, but they said nonsense. They didn’t get it. I went to a person like we sent you to… Harmony, but they were just… not getting it… so I stopped going. That’s the main reason I didn’t sent you to someone like that when you first came to stay with us. I didn’t trust them. I knew you’d have hard stuff from your mom’s letters and your dad… the way he treated you right in front of us… Sean and I talked. Before we knew you had a physical problem, we decided to just treat you like you weren’t potty trained. After all, you weren’t… not the right way. That’s why we were giving you permission, hon.” “Permish on?” “It means, we were encouraging you to just wet your pants and get used to things with us. My intent, I told Sean that first night you were with us… especially when we woke up and saw you on the floor in that pee spot on the floor… that we teach you to just wet your pants first. That way, you can start over. Then we potty train you right, to let you learn that you don’t pee your pants, not because of being scared, but because you don’t want to do it.” I looked up at her. “I do know better.” “I never meant you didn’t hon. I meant you shouldn’t know better because of fear, but because you don’t want to do it. There’s a difference. And until you understood the difference, we could just encourage you to pee your pants for a while.” “You trying to protect me?” Eiboline nodded. “I was being controlling again, I guess.” “No. I loved being allowed to wet my pants when it hurts and that Daddy-Sean picks me up and hugs me, and you just bathe me and teached me to change my pants. Can I pee my pants some more… on purpose?” “You have to for now, hon. Doctor says not to hold it. But when you get control, it’s your body, baby. You do what makes you feel good, and hopefully before you start junior high school, you’ll be able to control it so you don’t get shamed in front of other kids.” Cait hugged Grandma. “I knew you had to know I was too old to wet my pants, and you had a reason that you were being so nice about it!” “Grandma?” “Yes, Cait?” “Next time I see you pee your pants, what’s the easiest thing for me to do so you feel like… your body is yours, like you said my body is mine?” Grandma smiled. “Just love me like always. Just call me Grandma, and if I’m crying get your Daddy-Sean, sweetheart. Sometimes, even Grandmas need help that little girls’ love can only do so much for.” “Okay. I can sit in your lap in public. I always pee. I can be the little girl that peed on her grandma so no one knows you peed your pants… if at the restaurant next time. You peed at the restaurant, right?” Grandma nodded. “I did. That’s why Daddy hurried Shane out giving him a mission to deal with you so he wouldn’t see what I’d done.” “Good. I’m glad Daddy thinks fast. He’s the best.” “He is,” Grandma agreed.” “Good night, Grandma.” Sean was just around the corner, and when Grandma left her to let her sleep, Cait listened. “Are you okay, Eiboh?” “Yeah. Cait was just curious and she’s mature enough to understand a little bit more...so,” Grandma sighed. “I told her I sometimes pee my pants when I am thinking too much about Ron.” “Now.” Daddy whispered. “That’s done. She doesn’t hate you, just like I said she wouldn’t.” “You know it’s hard sometimes.” “I know, Eiboh. I see the stress everywhere, and people always covering it up. From Arnold’s grief of losing his farm, your… well, our, really, loss of Ron, and how the Henderson’s Billy is always misjudged as a bully because he won’t let even girls pick on his sister…. People are all trying to cover something. It’s not my business, but I can’t help it. I have to research into people I care about. I have to understand them so I don’t judge them.” “I know…,” and their voices went beyond Cait’s ears. “Daddy must have something wrong with him. Some that scares him so much that he’s like he is,” Cait said to the dark. “The Kinsellas put a wet little girl that they don’t even know in their lap and tell me to just pee my pants… and now I know that Grandma misses Ron, and that Daddy has to know so he doesn’t hurt others. He must have hurt someone on accident before. Did he hurt Ron? And Father, on the farm. What happened that he is like is? Why Mama doesn’t help him understand instead just let him scare her like that?” The ghost couldn’t even get into the dark room with Cait. Cait’s thought was too hard for the ghost to turn on her. Cait’s thought was on other people, not herself. Cait smiled remembering Shane’s face as he left the house that evening. He had clean clothes on, and he hugged Cait, not like a clumsy I’m doing what I’m told, but as a real friend like Billy and Ruth. “I’m not scared to pee my pants at your house,” Shane told Cait. “You people are really… different from anyone else I’d ever been visiting.” Cait was in bed… the room was still dark… she felt like something wasn’t right. There were whispers around her. “He’s going to be pissed at her.” “What do we do?” “I’m going to have to get in bed with her.” “Dad will think you did it, then.” “Not all of it. This is scary, Clo. Cait’s never done it this much, and not in her full sleep. She… she wets when she’s awake. Not in her sleep.” “What do you think?” “She’s sick.” There seemed to be silence. Cait saw two girls, probably Clo and Grainne. They were hovered over a girl that Cait could only guess as herself. She was floating from above them. “I’m gonna have to pee my pants next to her,” Grainne told Clo. “If you do that… you’ll both be wet.” “That’s the idea. Daddy expects her to pee in the bed, but if he sees this much and only Cait, he’ll say she did it on purpose just to be a brat. He’ll… he’ll hit her.” “If you pee your pants, where are you going to do it. If you do in the bed, it will just look like you both were brats. If you do it on the floor, he’ll blame Cait.” “You could lay down with us.” “Get in trouble for peeing the bed?” “Yeah… I’m sorry. I’ll just tell dad I peed like this. Maybe he’ll believe me if I say I did it on purpose to protect Cait from peeing a little.” “Daddy won’t buy that, Grainne. He lets Cait pee a little bit. Alright, I’ll help you help Cait. But how am I going to do that in dry underwear? I’ll have to pee my pants, too. You knew that, right?” “I knew,” Grainne whispered. “I’m sorry. But Cait can’t get hit. She’s too sick.” “Yeah. You’re right.” The dream slowly (just-a-peered) and my eyes started to wake to the early morning sun shining into my room. That was just a dream, right? They never did that, did they? I shivered. Daddy would have hit Grainne and Clo really bad if he found out they did anything like that. They can’t have done that. It’s not Clo to do that… is it? “Ghost?” Cait called out timidly not really wanting to see her, but wanting to know if the ghost knew about the dream. “Don’t call her, Cait,” Kooks whispered. “You can’t trust her.” “But she knows stuff,” Cait was shaking. “Ghost, come out. I know you’re there. You saw the dream. Don’t lie.” The Ghost had Clo’s face. “You finally realize that Grainne wasn’t the only one that got hit for you, did you?” Cait heard Clo’s voice and her manner… her feeling… it wasn’t fair. “Did you really pee your pants on purpose in my bed?” “Once two years ago, and once the year before that.” “Was I sick?” “We don’t know. But you were asleep. You fully peed. One night, you pooped. Grainne change your panties off of you and forced the poop into some of her panties in the dirty clothes.” “What? Why?” “You were sick. Grainne wasn’t. She wanted to get hit so you wouldn’t.” Cait frowned. “But you lie all the time.” “Do I lie, all the time? Why Kooks not chomping, then?” Just then, there was a knock and the ghost (just-a-peered). Chapter 94 What Have I Done? Cait sighed. She knew that the ghost lies, that Daddy would just get rid of the ghost’s manipu-late-ables, and she knew that there was no way to really know if that Clodagh really peed in her bed before or not. She knew that somehow, the nightmare wasn’t exactly the ghost, which was confusing. She tried to shrug it off until mid-morning when she was brushing Summerstone in the fence, Cait’s yard. “Summerstone? How scared or loved does someone have to be to… how do I say it? It not any make sense to me. Grainne can’t have done that. Clo… she’s strong and never pees. It can’t be real, my dream last night. But then Kooks. He didn’t chomp the ghost who was acting like she was Clo. Acting jealous I only knew Grainne sometimes peed to save the little sisters….” Summerstone moved its head to taste Cait’s hair. “How loved would it take… that someone clean someone’s poop of their butt, but with her own panties to get herself in trouble? That… that can’t really happen, does it?” Summerstone looked back at its mother and then at Cait. “But she’s your mom. She wouldn’t need to do that her own panties. She could just clean you up and love you.” Summerstone looked back at its mother again. “The biting rope for the gate? When Daddy caught your mom doing it. Did you do it first?” There was a spitting horse splutter from Summerstone. Maybe he was saying that’s the same. She was protecting her baby from Daddy’s frustration. But Cait knew Daddy wouldn’t hit any animal, let alone a baby one. Cait sat there, in the pen, and she looked down at her jeans. “Kinsellas say I’m allowed to go potty my pants. Father at home says it is bad. The Kinsellsa hold me when I cry. Father at home says why you cry, you did it? And Mommy agrees to Father. Are my sisters okay?” Summerstone nudge me with his nose. “I love you,” I think he said. “Cait?” Grandma came out to get me. “Your sisters wrote to you. Two of them, anyway. They let the little sisters draw on the back of the papers, I think.” She handed a piece of a paper grocery bag that had Grainne’s writing on it, and that piece of cardboard from the old box I put in the last letter for Grainne, but it had Clo’s writing on it. I smiled and looked up at Grandma. “Read to me?” The piece of cardboard letter, the one from Clodagh, with coloring all over the back and some on the front of the letter told Cait that Aoibhe must have gotten a hold of her letter and was coloring on it. Cait laughed. Dear Cait (not cat), Daddy mad Grainne. Roisin peed in church last Sunday. Grainne told Daddy she’s a little kid. Dad asked her if she thinks she’s big enough to be the parent. So, Grainne looked him in the eye and peed on the kitchen floor. Grainne was told not to pee her pants on Monday even in the field or else. Roisin misses you. She calls you the fun sister. She says even if you pee your pants, she wants you back. She doesn’t care if you poop in your pants. She just wants her fun sister back. Grainne is always too busy. I just… don’t get her kind of fun. I tell her to play with Aoibhe, but she says Aoibhe wants an older sister to play too. Grainne peed her pants again after dinner. I didn’t even see daddy mad at anyone, and I knew daddy told her not to pee her pants in the field tomorrow, so I… I peed in Grainne’s lap, on purpose, and Dad got mad at me, too. Now I can’t pee in the field tomorrow too. I don’t know how we will finish the work without peeing our pants. It got easier to get more done when we peed our pants, but now…. I don’t know what to do.” I miss you, too. Cait? Do you think Grainne is a bad sister for peeing her pants at dinner last night? She’s scared she is. She says she bad. I didn’t tell her she’s bad though. I’m going to sneak this letter in the mail after Daddy goes to work tomorrow. It’s Sunday. Love Clodagh PS: Aoibe decorated. Cait looked up at Grandma. “Grainne peed on purpose to stop Daddy yelling at Roisin.” “That’s what the letter said.” “Daddy went back on his word, Grandma. He said he doesn’t hit Grainne and Clo for peeing in the field. Can Daddy-Sean write him a scary big people police letter that tell Daddy leave Grainnie and Cloie alone?” “I don’t know, Pet. But maybe Daddy and I can talk about it later.” “What Grainne letter say?” “I think Grainne wrote to you; knowing, you. Why don’t you try to read hers, and I’ll hold you and tell you what words are if they are too hard. See? She wrote really big, too.” “Okay.” Dear Cait We all Miss you. Even Clo misses you. She said so, but I bet her letter doesn’t say. She’s so strong. I am glad she is strong though. Yesterday, I got in big trouble. I accidentally on purpose pooped my pants because Dad was yelling at Roisin. “Grandma? She says she pooped, but Clo says she peed.” “Clo was probably just being nice about her feelings, hon. Believe your big sister.” “Okay. I peed at the table, too. I would have probably got no dinner, but suddenly Clo sat on my lap and peed right on me, I think on purpose. Dad got up and looked at her, and he told her… you better not pee your pants tomorrow even at work. You are testing me. Daddy means, she made him mad to pee at the table, but I know what she did. She knew I peed and Daddy was already mad. If he saw, I would probably not eat but he saw Clo. He walked out the door and said Damned Girls. “Clo peed on Grainne?” I asked Grandma. “I didn’t know Clo ever peed on people before. “Well, she had a choice. Let Grainne get in trouble by herself and not have dinner, or pee her pants and make daddy too flustered to punish anyone, I suppose?” Grandma looked almost as confused. “I think Grainne poops her pants for me,” Cait told Grandma. “That’s another thing,” Grandma sighed. “We can’t do much about her until your Daddy sees that you are being helped, hon. Let’s focus on you getting control back first, okay?” Cain continued to read the letter. Roisin says the farm is just… no fun. The Fun sister went away. Aoibhe looks at your floor space all the time. Sometimes, she asks. Can Cait come back? How come Daddy sends her away? Daddy told her to pee her pants. He told her. Even Aoibhe knows Daddy told you to pee in your bed on purpose. Anyway, I have to think of a way to help Clo tomorrow. She has to pee her pants no matter what. So I have to protect her. I think I’ll make her wear my clothes and tell her to poop em if she has to go. Daddy knows I poop my pants. If she poops in them, he will know it’s me and not Clo then. Well, Roisin wants room to color, so I have to leave her room. Love Grainne. Roisin drew four sisters in by the house. There was a large space between two sister and two sisters, and written in the middle was Kat, the fun and she drew a picture of a girl in dots not in full stick form. Then she colored it. Cait looked up at Grandma. “My sisters are suffering. Clo gonna have to poop her pants tomorrow.” “It’s already happened, hon. This letter was sent last week, I think. If it were sent on Monday… we wouldn’t have it yet. I think the sisters put the wrong date, or maybe they put the wrong date to trick your Father? It couldn’t have been sent any later than Friday to get here today.” “So… Clo had to poop her pants?” “Probably.” “Fucker!” Cait whispered. It was Daddy, but it was still a fucker thing to do. He promised she could pee her pants. Now, Grainne has to force one of the two sisters that don’t pee all the time to… on purpose… put her panties just so Daddy thinks Grainne did it, and Clo’s clothes are clean. “Am I bad if I call Daddy a fucker?” Cait asked Grandma. “God says be good your parents, but Daddy… he…he hurts and Grainne has to ask a dent lee pee and poot on purpose, and now, Clo has to. That a fucker thing, isn’t it?” “Yes, Cait, both things can be true at the same time. It can be bad to do one bad thing because another bad thing.” Grandma sighed. “You shouldn’t hate your parents. I don’t agree with you calling them names. But your hurt isn’t wrong, either.” “So… what do I do?” “If I knew that, I’d would be rich. I’d write a book that would make millions if I could write a book that taught people how to respond to bad stuff that happens to them from people that they shouldn’t be bad back to.” “So no one knows?” “No, Cait. And anyone that says they do, is lying.” “How do I make it so Grainne doesn’t have to do it ask a dent tally on popos?” Cait asked. “When we bisit then, can I do something that helps them stop to do this sick game to transfer poop. It gross and it wrong. Sitting someone lap that peed… weird, but okay. Putting their poot in your panties? Gross! I don’t want Grainne and Clodagh do that no more.” “I don’t know,” Grandma sighed. “But if you get cured of pooping by December, your Dad might let us take Grainne to find out what her actual medical problems are.” “So I need to stop pooting my pants?” “Not yet. You have to be healed, hon. Healed right, not hiding it, and not not doing it just because you are scared. It has to be real healing. You trust us, and we’ll try to get Grainne help. Then Roisin. And so on.” “Okay.” Cait hugged Grandma. While Wednesday had not real conflict in it, Cait was going to cause a lot of conflict on Thursday, on purpose! Chapter 95 Ghosts ARE Real For Me Thursday morning and afternoon went about as usual. Cait peed, but no one cared. They cleaned her up, they helped her, they loved her. Cait’s Ghost was mostly quiet, and Cait knew where she was. Then the little hand was on the six and the big hand was on the one. “Time to get ready for playgroup,” Daddy said as he lifted Cait out of her Front City. “You want to take a bath, have Grandma help, or me?” “I can do it.” Cait skipped up the stairs to the bathroom, and she sighed. She was going to see Shane after that day he peed his pants at the library. She hoped he was okay. While Cait was in the bathroom, the Ghost sat on the toilet while she was taking her clothes off. “I’m going to take a bath.” “I know,” the ghost had Cait’s face. “I’m just going to watch.” “You supposed to be scared of the bath.” “I am safe. I’m way over here.” “Oh, okay.” Cait thought she hear Ghost peeing into the toilet… but through her jeans? Was the girl wearing jeans? That’s not Daddy’s farm Cait. That’s a Kinsella Cait. Daddy would hit Cait if Cait put on jeans on her own on the farm. “How come you got jeans, now?” The Ghost shrugged and pulled down her wet jeans. She had on boy panties, too. “How?” The ghost shrugged. “I don’t know. It just happened. I come one day and I have a dress, and today, I get on the toilet but poot my panties on purpose, and I have this on?” “You pooted?” “Yeah,” the ghost sighed. “We always poot, don’t we?” “Yeah,” Cait whispered. The bath was ready. “You should get Grandma to clean you so I can disappear. You got poop on your panties. Look.” Cait looked. She was right. There was a little bit of poop in her panties. Cait sighed. “Yeah. Daddy and Grandma said I can’t clean up poot. It’s hard not because I Cait, but because I little kid.” She ran down the stairs naked. “Daddy! I pooted my pants! I need help!” Cait was carried up the stairs and her nose was touched. Daddy kissed her forehead. She wasn’t disgusting. “Good girl getting help,” Daddy told her. “That’s what we do when poopy gets on little girls or boys.” Daddy put me in the bath, and he started to wash me. “I get it,” I looked up at Daddy. “Get what?” “That I not bad because I pooted.” “Good.” “Do you think Shane pees his pants because of his sisters at home?” “What do you mean, love?” Daddy asked as he started to wash my hair. “Well…. If Grainne tells Clo to poot her panties, only she’s wearing Grainne’s ones, and it’s so Clo doesn’t get in trouble for peeing outside…. Can Shane… even if he’s scared of time and stuff about suppose to do it, can he also do it because he doing something for sisters?” “I wouldn’t make that connection if I were you. It is possible that his sisters are fine, and his problem is just personal, Cait. Not all families work like yours does.” “Okay.” Daddy had me in a nice skirt and he kissed my cheek. He had a Green shirt on me with a horse on it. It was short sleeved. I liked it. The horse looked like Summerstone. This my summer stone shirt. We pulled up to the playgroup place, and I looked at Daddy. “I can go in. I promise. I know here it is, and I already pooted, and if I pee, they have sweats for me, so I okay.” And then I saw the little girl I saw the last time running to the building from her car. “I’m Cait. We met last week.” “Oh, yeah. You Shane’s new friend.” “Yeah.” “I’m Heather. So you going to sit in Shane’s lap?” “Yeah, maybe… if he wants me to.” “Did you know so many high school kids do pee pants, too?” “So many?” “Well, Ethan and Grace?” Cait shrugged. “I don’t think you should talk about it. I think you should ask them why if you want to know. That’s the nice thing. Talk about it only makes people who don’t get it learn and then be mean to them.” “It does?” “My big sister does it.” “She does?” “Yeah. She does it so the little kids don’t get hit for something. Like if Roisin crying too much and daddy getting tired hearing it, he stands up and then Grainne pees on the floor in front of him, and he suddenly starts yelling at her. She’s Shane’s age.” “Oh! That’s scary! How old Roisin?” “She’s littler than me.” “Well, your sister is stopping her getting hit?” “Yeah.” “That’s a good reason to do it, I guess.” We were sitting there, a few of us talking, and suddenly, I heard crying in the hall. I looked over, but no one came through right away. I looked around at the other kids. The little kids were all here, I thought. Then I looked at Shane’s ages. They were all there. Wait, a high school girl was crying in the hall? That’s not normal. “I be right back,” I whispered to Shane. “Please. Let me.” I walked over to the door and saw Mr. Vance squatting by Grace, this big girl with darker light hair like blond, but not blond. And he was talking to her. She was really crying. “I can’t go in there.” I walked over and I looked at Mr. Vance. “What’s wrong?” “Cait, it’s between….” “Just tell her,” Grace screamed. “Tell her! The big stupid kid just shit her pants! Go on!” I gulped. “Mister, I promise, I know what’s wrong. It’s her ghost. It doesn’t happy.” “What?” “Trust me. I take her bathroom. Send sweats to us. I help her.” “You’re not her….” “Group,” I reminded the teacher. “Group means, even if you have one person who is more be sponsor you, it doesn’t mean another can’t love you. Get us pants. I take her bathroom.” “So perfect, in your clean pants… thinking you are helping a broken dog, right?” Grace pouted and her words hurt, but I heard her ghost. “Shut up, Ghost. She already got what you wanted. Go away. Ghost?” I didn’t know why, but I suddenly called my own ghost. “Ghost? Make her Ghost go away.” Then suddenly I be membered God. “In Jesus name? My ghost take her ghost to ghost ther-pee?” Grace was looking at me side-eye. “What are you doing?” “Taking you to the bathroom. You big kid. You scared. It’s okay to be scared. Big people pee their pants, too. I see it my own eyes. Not you. Not even this group. A real big person. You allowed to pee your pants. I promise.” Grace frowned, tears running down her face. “I was at my aunt’s house, and I was supposed to be babysitting. Because I shit my pants, they didn’t pay me nothing for three hours of watching my cousins. They said I taught them bad, and my mom shrugged and asked why I didn’t go to the bathroom.” Your mom just asked you why you didn’t go? Your Aunt didn’t even ask you why you had a ask a dent just because you baby sitted. My Daddy mad if someone promise me money but don’t paid it, even my mean daddy in Mysery. And you didn’t just poop em though. Something happened. You don’t just poop em without that reason. I know cause Grainne, my big sister, she poops sometimes, it is always a reason even if she do it because she choose it.” “Choose it?” “She wrote me a letter. She telled my sister older than me, but younger her. She said her sister to poop, but wear Grainne’s panties. She do it to stop daddy hitting little girls. You have a reason.” “Do I have to tell you?” “No. That’s your ghost you can tell me or not. I just told you I know so you don’t lonely it happened you because you don’t just do it. It like my here Daddy says. No kid bigger than eight just does it. There always something how come.” Grace nodded. “So… you don’t think I’m gross and stupid?” “That a bad bad bad word, Grace. Saying stupid for you, is worsted than saying focker to people mean you. My here Daddy said so, and you know what? You wanna know what? I think he right. I think people who said they pay you and not paid you is focker, but if you don’t like me said that, then I sorry. I just mad they make you cry just cause you pee a little in pants at group that apposed to help you that.” She suddenly grabbed Cait and hugged her as Isabelle brought in clothes for her. “One of you said fucker,” she said. “That’s bad.” “Not as bad as call you to yourself stupid,” I frowned. “I told that her. That why I said it. If you taled, you taled I said, not her. She cry, so you even know her cry voice can’t say it because it not a cry voice I said it.” “You’re right. Won’t your Dad get mad at you if I tell?” “Daddy in Mysery would. Not Daddy here.” “Oh, you’re one of those families?” Cait looked down. “What kind of family you mean?” “You know,” Isabella frowned. “Where your mom lives with a man in one place and your dad lives with a woman in another? Or are you….” Cait held up a hand. “I not stupid. If you call me stupid, you are calling me a fucker. If you calling me a fucker, I’m telling. I told you, stupid to you self is worse than fucker. I will not let you call me stupid. I will tell the teacher you said a word worse than fucker at me.” Isabelle glared at her. “Stupid is a normal….” “No! It’s a hate thing to say. It says someone can’t do nothing. I can’t do many many many things a kid young than me does, but you know what I can do? I can love people, even mean people!” Isabelle frowned. “Well, here are her clothes. Are you going to change her?” “She’s bigger than me. You think I that mean? I am just here to help her if she need with my words and my own ghost. She big girl more than me. She change her pants. She not that word, and if you say that word my friend, I tell Mr. Vance you called my friend worse than fucker.” Isabelle looked at Cait—really looked at her. “You’re strange,” and she skipped off. Cait strugged. She didn’t care if she was called weird. She didn’t think strange was so different from weird, so she shrugged. “Here, you change your pants, big sister. And I know you pooping your pants even before. Someone ask a dent tally told, but I know… It not your fault. We apposed to help each other. I don’t strong, but I know how to listen.” “You do, too,” Grace frowned. “You should tell people about your fucker theory. Mr. Vance might be mad if you say the word at first, until he hears your theory. He might even think you are smarter than people say.” Cait shrugged. “I not smart. My Daddy is really mommy’s cousin and my Grandma who is really really my mom’s cousin who married Daddy who told me Stupid at me is worse than when I said fucker before. They smart. They love. Daddy nice Shane. He tell you.” “What?” “Shane went library with us on Tuesday. Daddy and Grandma know he peed library. But he nice. I really like him.” “You’re the nice one, Cait. Trust me.” Cait shrugged. “Okay.” When Grace was changed, Cait hugged her and smiled up at her. “Can you carry me?” “Me?” “Yeah. You’re a big person in the group and I a little girl. You care me, right?” “Well, yeah.” Grace picked Cait up. “You’re kind of heavy.” “Sorry.” “Don’t. I don’t mind.” Grace brought her over and put her in Shane’s lap. Grace whispered to Shane, and he looked up at her. Cait wasn’t sure, but she knows she heard a sound of ‘ucky’ that was whispered. Her Ghost wasn’t around to twist the words. ‘Yucky’ makes the same sound, but she didn’t look at Cait like Cait was yucky, and she didn’t seem to talk to Shane bad, either. “Isabelle came in with clothes for me in the bathroom,” Grace said when she put Cait down. “Not Isabella,” Shane frowned. “She’s….” “Judgmental?” Grace frowned. “I mean, Mia Wei is a nice person, but there’s no way she’d stand up to Isabella or whatever her name is.” “I know,” Shane said. “Cait’s family is… nicer than most.” “It’s Cait’s whole family? Isabella implied that she knows Cait’s family is divorced and stuff.” “Divorced? Yeah, right! No. It’s not that, and I don’t think I should tell you what is going on. If you want to know, ask her cousins. Those are the people she calls Daddy and Grandma. That’s all I’m letting Cait say though. It’s hard on little kids to… explain. She has… well, if ghosts were real, Cait’s ghost would be the worst kind.” Grace nodded. “Okay.” Chapter 90 Grandma’s Water and Shame We pulled up to a place called Pizza Hut. The red and white building was shiny and smelled like cheese and food. Shane had on the shirt tied around his waist, but he smiled as Daddy put a hand on his shoulder. I had my Grandma’s hand in one hand, the other hand had it’s thumb in my mouth, and Kooks bounced off of my chest as Daddy pushed the door open for us and waited for all of us to go ahead. “Am I still allowed to use the bathroom?” Shane asked Uncle. “What kind of question is that, son? Of course you are.” “It’s just, I already….” “Regardless of what happens, son, in our place, there is no shame and there is no stripping of your free agency just because of one mistake. Besides, no use in making the mess bigger on yourself if you are willing to try to get to the toilet. This is about what makes you feel happy, not what I mind. You have a right.” “Well, some people who aren’t my parents can be a little… weird. I just didn’t want you to get mad.” Sean shook his head. “No one should be mad at a kid who is trying, son. Now, you go ahead and go with Eiboline to find us a table, that way, you’ll know where we are when you get out of the bathroom, okay?” “Yes sir.” “Yes, Sean, or if you prefer, Uncle Sean. There is no sir.” “Um…. Okay?” “I go with him, Daddy. He feel better if I go with.” “I don’t know about that, Cait.” “I do. I pee my pants and I’m wet. If I go with, everyone knows the little girl peed on him.” Daddy shook his head. “Well…. You should ask Shane about that.” “She can come if she wants, not because she peed, but just because she wants to. I don’t mind. It’s not like I’ll pull my pants down in front of her.” “I don’t know about her going in a boys’ room though,” Grandma frowned. “I’ll take her into the girls’ one,” Shane frowned. “I feel safer in a girls’ one anyway?” “Why is that?” Grandma asked. “Well, no one questions you going in a toilet stall in the girls’ ones because they don’t have urinals. If I go in the boys’ one, they look at you funny when you don’t poop, and then they look at me funny anyway when I drop my wet pants for all to see so I can pee again.” “I take you,” I took his hand firmly. “You taking your little sister to the bathroom, and you have to go, too, only I peed my pants on accident, but it’s too late me, but we in the bathroom, so you just go.” Shane frowned. “I feel like I shouldn’t use you like that.” “You not doing nothing wrong. I’m taking you. And you my big brother peer, right? You apposed to protet me? So you take me and I just peed my pants and not make it.” He nodded. “If you want… I guess.” “I want.” When we came back out, I ran over where Daddy was still waiting for the pizza and Shane sat at the table where he was in the big seat and away from where people can see easy him. “Daddy. He went. He wasn’t scared, so he didn’t peeded pants.” “Now.” And Daddy brought the pizza, and a lady brought the large glass jug of pop back to the table. “You said your parents are not exactly on you about the problems…,” Grandma frowned at Shane. “Why would you think you can’t use the bathroom just because of an accident?” “Oh, that’s not mom or dad…. I mean. I get a little bit embarrassed for them, and decide not to cause more shame on them when I know others will see me with them, if I can. But it’s not them… exactly.” “Well, do your parents know who shames you, son?” Daddy asked. Shane frowned. “I don’t tell them. I don’t want to cause trouble.” “But…. Maybe that’s what Daddy and Grandma been telling me. It doesn’t trouble anyone but you, if you get your pants wet, and if you get them wet again, you get just a not comfort ateble again.” Shane shook his head. “It’s different when you are older, Cait. In junior high school, and after you are a teenager, well, people look at you funny and they look at your parents funny when you’re… doing stuff.” Grandma made a scoffing laugh. “Those people should get a life. They don’t know what you’re going through, obviously. And Shane, you will never bother us if you get nervous one minute but expect to use the toilet the next. Your comfort is more important, and that’s why after pizza, we are not going to your parents to ask. If they are decent, as you say they are, they’ll be grateful. We are going to buy you three outfits, one you’ll wear home so you are dry and two you’ll keep at our house so next time you come all that way, and end up peeing on the way, you’ll have something to change into.” He nodded. “Um… okay.” The table was so pretty with white and red squared funny thing on it. It was almost like a blanket for a table. Cait giggled at the thought. Daddy poured pop into all the glasses. Cait thought some of the other tables had that adult yellow-y drink their big jugs, and the men and some of the big women were drinking it. Some kids drank water, and some drank pop. At Cait’s table, everyone drank just pop. “Yummy! Rootbeer!” Cait started eating her slice as fast as Grandma put it on her plate. It was hot and cheesy, and the topping was so juicy, it nearly seemed to melt the crust of the bottom part into her mouth as she bit down on it. Her eyes blurred a little and inside her mouth was hot. She should have tested it first. “Whoa, slow down there, little mouse,” Daddy whispered to Cait. He wiped a bit of something off of her cheek that she couldn’t see until his napkin pulled away and she saw the red pizza sauce. Cait giggled, but then she noticed Shane. He was squeezing his legs together even after he already peed minutes before. He kept trying to look down as people walked by the table. Trying to eat, his hands were shaking. He seemed to just be nibbling. “Shane? Hey, son? Look, you’re fine. No one is watching what you are doing, and most of the people in here are just eating. They don’t care enough to investigate what one boy sitting in a family is doing.” Grandma looked at him with this serious lines in her face like Grandma gets when she makes sure why I started crying. “Even if they tried to look, you got Daddy’s shirt on your lap, and you can just do this!” And Cait pulled her finger under one eye and stuck out her tongue at the next people walking by. Cait’s boldness was replied by a kid maybe her age, but a little younger, it was hard to tell who made their own nose pig face. They both smiled as the other kid’s mom whispered to him. Cait took a big bite of pizza again. “Daddy says that places like this are apposed to be fun. Even for big people. You don’t have to worry.” Shane smiled a little and took a bigger bite of his pizza. “So, Shane, your parents seem like decent people. When did your nervousness start?” Daddy asked. “Oh, well, I… I guess maybe in sixth grade? I had this one teacher… well, I think she meant to get us ready for high school or something, but I… I couldn’t figure out when it was okay to ask. Then in junior high… well… they have really strict rules. And if you are late… it’s like… you’re going to fail or something. I just can’t find the time to get to the bathroom. And then I started peeing my pants last year. And then it got worse. I pooped ‘em once.” “Your parents trying to help you?” Grandma asked. “Yeah. They took me to three doctors that said there’s nothing wrong with me, so they started to take me to Doctor Harmony. She says that my brain and my bladder get confused when I get nervous. My brain forgets to tell my bladder that it needs to wait especially when I’m taking a test or something.” “Yeah, that makes sense,” Grandma nodded. “Our brains do funny things when we get scared or nervous. Cait’s brain is still all over the place. She’s told herself a lot of untrue things about herself, but society and other people can really make it harder.” “Yeah,” Cait shivered. “It my ghost. She’s this really raggy clothing girl that sometimes wearing pee pee dress, but recently, her dress not always got pee pee in it. But it tells me I’m this really bad cuss word that Daddy doesn’t like. It’s like a millions time worse than Fu….” “Cait?” Daddy whispered. “Not here, hon. Remember how I said we need to be respectful of when we use that word? Well, this is not a good place to use it. Lots of small kids with families that wouldn’t understand, hon.” “Oh, okay.” Shane frowned. “My brain tells me the same. It says that I’ll never grow up, and I won’t become anything good because I can’t even be… as mature as my sisters.” Daddy frowned and reached across the table. “That’s the same things that Cait’s ghost tells her, alright. Your brain saying stuff like that to you, and Cait’s ghost, they are the same thing. They are just seen or heard differently by the two of you because of your different personalities.” “What does he know?” Ghost said about Daddy. I narrowed my eyes at it. “You know you’re not broken, don’t you?” Daddy asked. Shane shrugged. “You’re not. You’re just a kid that’s been frightened somehow by the school system, and it seems to be affecting more than school now. But Harmony is helping you, right? And you know, anytime you need some help and your parents are a bit busy, you can call us if we are home.” “Really?” “Sure. We’d be happy to help you, just like we are helping our little cousin. Cait needs a lot of help, and obviously, so do you.” Shane looked up. His eyes were watered in them. “Yeah. I think so. No shame, right?” “No shame,” Grandma patted his hand with hers, her voice as gentle as a breeze. “And you not alone,” Cait spoke loud and clear, pushing a half-eaten pizza slice towards him. “You got me, and Daddy, and Grandma. And Summerstone and Kooks. And Billy, and Ruth, and Megan. And Mrs. Harmony. And our group leader guy. We all gots Ghosts, but we can help one to another to make the ghost be shut up.” Shane finally let out a breath. A tear rolled down his cheek. “Okay. Okay. I get it.” “No,” Eiboline sighed. “I don’t think you do. Cait calls my… pre-pee. It’s something that she uses to help her shelter herself from her own ghost’s taunts, I supposed. But I think it’s time to let you both know.” “Eiboh. Here? Are you sure?” Grandma shrugged. “Why not? Cait has already guessed most of it. It’s been leaking out as fast as her little bladder does when she’s been waiting too long.” Cait looked up at Grandma and held her hand. “I love you, Grandma. Your ghost, whatever it might be… I am here.” She smiled and patted Cait’s hand. “Our son…, His name was Ron. He’d been so excited and had just turned twelve not long before. We’d been telling him he could wander around a little more freely when he turned twelve, but I kept putting it off, being… controlling.” Cait stood up and walked around to put herself in Grandma’s lap. “Well, we can’t protect kids forever. They need to be their own person. And I… I finally said that next day, after twelve, he’d get to go out there. I don’t know why I waited so long, and I saw the excitement. I should have done something… anything!” She started to sob a bit. Sean put a hand on her shoulder. “Now.” “His favorite among all the animals out there was this bull,” Auntie went on. “His name was Rosebud. Rosebud mostly just sniffed the flowers. He didn’t bother anyone….” Cait turned and hugged Grandma. “Ron had been twelve years old for about three days. I remember. He ran out and Shadow was running around him in circles. I still remember it. I started to say something to him, but he frowned at me. He thought I was going to say he could wait a few more days, and the look he gave me, I knew I couldn’t do that again. So I shook my head. ‘Just remember the snakes,’ was all I said, but he waved me off and ran out the door….” Grandma was shaking. “The dresser… I keep it like that because he arranged it like that for the last time. He hadn’t touched the animals on his dresser for about two weeks. He was supposed to be too big for little kids toys or something, but he left the toys on the dresser like that. I remember he was saying the dog, Shadow, was the most important animal on the farm. Shadow was telling the animals what their jobs were and telling them to be careful or something. The little colt was Ron. He had felt like the colt, always wanting to explore, but I kept him back so he didn’t go too far. I worried too much about him.” Cait frowned and looked up at Grandma. “At least you cared if he was around and didn’t send him where he wouldn’t be in the way. And you didn’t care if he did something, mad, you get your work a little slow.” Grandma patted Cait’s side. “I don’t know. I’m just like any other mother that sometimes got short tempered when he was in the way too much.” “Yeah?” Cait frowned. “Because you don’t act it around me.” “I think we just get older and wiser, Cait. And sometimes, when things like this happens, we really look at ourselves and wonder, was that little thing really that important?” I looked into Grandma’s eyes, but I don’t think I could ever see Father’s cruelty in them, or Mama’s saying I did something on purpose that I didn’t do on purpose, but I couldn’t help it. I didn’t have a good answer though. So I just leaned into her and hugged her. I think I was peeing my pants again. “I think it’s time to go ahead and call it a day,” Sean frowned. “Cait, come on, hon. Let Shane take you out to the car. Your Grandma needs a little help.” “Okay.” Chapter 91 Shopping Even Though Sean opened the car door next to me, and he bent down. “How wet do you feel, sweetheart?” I touched my skirt. It was dry. I felt under it and my panties didn’t feel nothing. Maybe I didn’t pee as much as I thought. I sighed. “I don’t think I peed for real, Daddy. I think maybe just some pre-pee or something.” “Okay. We need to get Shane some things to change into. I’m going to have Grandma stay in the car for now.” “How come?” “She’s upset, Cait. She wants Shane to have a change of clothes, but she’s still really hurting right now. We need to give her some space so she can process.” “I know how to be quiet if I sit with her, and I don’t scared to pee my pants if it comes out. I think Grandma needs someone.” “Are you sure, pet?” “Yeah.” “Eiboline? What do you think? Do you want some company, or should I take Cait in with me. She might not really understand that you may need space.” “She can stay, Sean. I just don’t feel like facing other people.” “Alright, Cait. But remember you don’t have to say everything you know. Let Grandma process.” “Okay?” I looked up at Daddy like I knew he wanted to tell me something. But what? “Just look after Grandma, Cait,” Daddy said. “And don’t say more than you have to right now. You’ll do fine.” Then he tucked my legs back into the car and made sure I was comfortable before closing the door. Cait looked the front and they were alone…. Grandma was still sad. Cait knew that she missed Ron, and that Ron had a deep impact on Grandma every time his name or his story came up. “You know, Grandma,” Cait whispered. “Ron loved you so much.” “Cait, there’s still things you don’t know.” “I know. But there’s a lot I do know.” Grandma turned and looked at Cait. “Just because of stuff happened, you don’t just become nice just because of stuff. If something happened me, I tell you right now, Daddy just blames Grainne for not teached me. He doesn’t think I did something.” Grandma frowned. “You don’t know that.” “Yes, I. Do. Daddy? Maybe he thinks I really am stupid. He thinks Cait is acting bad because Grainne has to help her do it. He thinks Cait can be bad because Grandma and Daddy-Sean. But he doesn’t know I smarter, and I give up to pee in bed at the Mysery place because he said the rule. I get troubleding for get no pee in bed, so I peed in bed. I getteding in trouble for school to wasting the teacher’s time, so I peededing my pants in the seat to not get in troubled. I did it because his rules before I didn’t do it because his rules. I don’t know when it started to not be his rules, and I just couldn’t not do it.” Eiboline frowned. “Don’t call yourself stupid.” “I didn’t. I told you what Daddy called me, and that is the truth. And I know Mommy maybe thinking… The doctor? Maybe Cait doesn’t do it. But I can’t leave Daddy. How can we live? And the Bible says you don’t leave your made child with man. It says it like that in the Bible. Daddy even tells Mommy, and Mommy agrees.” Grandma sighed. “Well, I still should have walked out there with him, the first time, to make sure.” Cait shrugged. “He runned. You don’t know if he run one field or another field. You following. He still going to be in front. He too ascited, and it just happened. You think it my fault the poopy just gets into my panties when I tried to stop it? Daddy’s rule doesn’t do it at Grandma’s house, and I don’t want it, but it comes out….” Grandma frowned. “That’s different.” “How? The dirty stuff just goes when it wants and I telling it no. And Ron running with fun and you say no, but he just playing?” Grandma frowned. “Yeah. I guess.” Cait leaned up and placed Kooks in Grandma’s lap by having it slide down from her shoulder. “Kooks says you lonely. He’s good at helping chomp lies and ghosts, Grandma.” Grandma patted Cait’s hand. Grandma shifted uncomfortably. Did Cait hear a strange sound she’s used to hearing when she? No. This is Grandma. Not Grandma. Okay, she did it once, but this is Grandma, and the only other time, they were across from the field where Ron buried, and on the day that he died… right? Cait sat back. “I be membered when I was in second grade. I peed. Know what Grainne did?” She looked up towards the front. “She spilled water all over me on purpose, but she drop the glass, and then she said sorry. I looked up confused. Then Daddy frowned at Grainne. Daddy said, “Watch it, clumsy!” Grandma looked down. “Did someone ever have to do that for Ron because he scared you mad?” Eiboline frowned and shook her head. “Did Ron read good at school? He did because you teached him reading. Right?” “I didn’t teach him anything, Cait. We just read to him.” “You read to him. He didn’t do it alone. You maked him smart.” Grandma smiled back to me. She leaned back further to see, and then Cait noticed. There was pee in Grandma’s seat. She peed her pants. Did she pee in the restaurant? Poor Grandma. But then that makes sense. They were talking about Ron, and the last time Grandma admitted to Cait about Ron, she pee her pants then, too, when Grandma said it was the day that Ron got horneded. “Can I go in the store, Grandma? I have to. Please? I sorry.” “You know to look carefully in the parking lot?” “Yeah. This not farm, Grandma. I know cars.” “Okay.” Chapter 92 Grandma’s Needs Cait ran into the store and she looked around. What was she going to do? Grandma was hurteding, and she didn’t know what to say to Sean, but Grandma needed her confident Grandma-y way back. She needed clean pants and to be happy. She saw the signs for the bathrooms, but she passed them by even though her stomach rumbled and told her she might should go there. Grandma was more important though. Cait pushed herself through the store looking for Sean, knowing he would be in the boys’ stuff because they were getting Shane stuff for when he comes over. That’s what they talked about last. “You’re gonna shit your pants,” the ghost whispered at her. “Shut up, Ghost, I’m busy,” Cait whispered to herself. She then looked around with her thumb in her mouth, and tears in her eyes, whining as if she was crying and lost. “Daddy has to be in this area. This is the boyses place, isn’t it?” Her pre-pee first little spray dampened her underpants. “Not now. You need to hold it,” she scolded herself. “Grandma needs help.” She saw clothes for boys, but didn’t see Daddy. Where was he? She sighed and picked up a pair of jeans from the shelf, and when they dropped unfolding down in front of her, she realized that these were way too small for Shane. Maybe he wasn’t in the kid area. Maybe Daddy and Shane were in the big people area with stuff for his size. More pee pushed into her panties, and she bent down with another whimper. “Stop it, Ghost. I need to get help from Grandma.” “I’m not doing it,” Ghost appeared feet from her. “You’re the one that’s peeing your pants. I wasn’t doing nothing but telling you that you were going to do it. We saw the bathroom and you just went by it.” “I have to help Grandma. Make me stop peeing.” “I can’t,” Ghost said as Cait watched her starting to wet her own panties, too. Cait felt the pee pushing fully into her panties, and she sat there and started to cry. Eventually, and this really big boy, bigger than Shane, stopped and bent down to her. “My Daddy in here with my brother,” Cait whined. “When I tried to go to the bathroom, I couldn’t find it in time, and I want my Daddy.” She didn’t even think about how she was lying or what she was saying. She was hurting, and everyone was watching, and poop was starting to slip into her panties now. The kind young teenager took her by her hand and took her to the customer service person. “She’s lost her parent,” the boy said. “I found her peeing her pants. She’s scared.” “Do you know your Daddy’s name?” the customer service person frowned looking at Cait, caught between the judgment of her age and the vulnerability of her thumb in her mouth. “Sean… Sean Kinsella.” “Why did you pee your pants, child?” he asked after calling up the speaker thingy and telling Sean where Cait was. Cait shrugged. “I couldn’t find my Daddy and my brother,” she still whined when she talked about it, and she put her thumb back in her mouth. “Why are you questioning a little kid about wetting her pants,” the boy that found her asked the store customer service guy. “She’s a baby. You’re just going to make her cry again. Can’t you see she didn’t mean to?” The boy hugged me sideways. “It’s okay. I’ll sit with you until you find your Daddy, little girl. My name is Jim.” “I’m gonna be eleven soon, but I have troubles with pee. I seeing a doctor for it.” “Well, that explains it. I’m going to be fifteen soon. I could tell you were a little old to wet your pants, but I wasn’t going to tell that judging man that. I just… I knew there had to be more to it, for a kid like you to be in wet pants.” “I have a doctor trouble. They trying to fix it.” Sean came walking with Shane, and Shane suddenly stopped. Cait ran towards Sean. “Shane? Hey, are you okay?” Jim asked. “Um… aren’t you going to say something… about it?” Shane looked down. “About what?” “You know….” Jim sighed his dirty blond hair rested on his shoulders. “You may not have noticed, but not everyone at school last year thought that you peeing your pants was funny.” Shane shrugged. “I mean it. I don’t know what your issues are, but don’t think I’m like Scott and Barbara. I just…. You know what school’s like. I couldn’t say anything, but that doesn’t mean I agreed with them.” “Whatever.” “Not whatever,” Cait turned around at Shane. “He’s trying to be your friend. You know what happened me the first day I go church?” “You peed?” “Yeah, but then this whole room of kids suddenly… well, it started small. First this boy in church says to sixth grade table, and he knows I peeing my pants already. His sister is my friend. He tells the sixth graders to not pick me reading. He told them I sick. The fifth graders heard.” “So? He made everyone laugh at you?” “No? He made everyone get mad at this girl that tried to laugh at me. He caused the whole fifth grade table to get up and walk away from the bully! If you let him, Jim could do that for you.” Shane frowned. “I didn’t….” Cait sighed. “You didn’t give him a chance to be your side. You too scared what they always do. But what they always do, not what they always do.” “Know what?” Cait said tapping her chin thoughtful. “This girl in Sunday School was a little bit… mean… to a point. I be member now. She thought it funny I don’t read good, but then my friend’s brother said I sick. And he told everyone hard that I get sick and then scared, but didn’t say what happens when it happened. So when I peed, the girl that was a little mean… This per...fect….” Cait grinned and rolled her eyes. “Per...fect,” she emphasized. “She started to call me gross or something and suddenly the first mean girl said that to the meaner kid, ‘you goed too far. You herd she sick.’ and she moved away from her, then the whole fifth grade table moved. But I wouldn’t know she was not that mean if the first mean girl didn’t get… like evil mean.” “Fine, I’m sorry,” Shane offered his hand. “It’s just….” “Hard,” Jim frowned. “I wear old stuff to school. Sometimes, I wear the same clothes. It’s not my fault, but everyone acts like I have thousands of nice expensive shirts and pants to choose from, and I just want to look like rags at school. I know it’s hard. I know it’s not the same thing as peeing, but it’s still hard. I’m a nerd. I’m not smart about new movies out, I’m a loser. I still feel hurt even if my stress isn’t medical like yours.” “It’s not medical,” Shane frowned. “Yes, it is,” Jim frowned at Shane. “Just because they can’t find a physical reason doesn’t mean you do it because you want to. Something causes it, and it’s not my business what it is. What is my business, is I don’t have to be an asshole, but trust me… me trying to defend you at school will not work out for either of us. I’ve tried before.” Shane nodded. “Yeah.” Daddy, then turned to me. “You came in when you said you wanted to stay in the car, hon. Were you trying to find a toilet?” Cait looked at Jim. “Yeah,” she lied. Daddy frowned. “Okay. Hold my hand.” “Um… It’s not just that, though. Can we say secrets not in front of Shane and Jim?” “Why hon?” “Because….” “Shane, are you okay with Jim for a moment. I’ll come right back here. Cait has a private thing she wants to say. I’ll just take her over there, so she feels we’re not being listened in on.” “Okay, Cait. But you know, I don’t judge you. Jim will tell you, I can’t.” “It’s not you. It’s just… it’s not my story but something I have to tell Daddy.” “Okay.” When they were far enough from other people, and Cait kept looking around to make sure no one was lingering near them, she sighed. “Daddy? Grandma peed in the car or the restaurant. She doesn’t know I know. I didn’t tell her. I just wanted to go in the store. She really upset. Can you do something to her change her pants so she doesn’t be lonely?” “We’ll get Grandma something,” Daddy nodded patting her wet bottom. “And then when we go out, you can ask Grandma to take you to change your clothes or however you want to frame it.” “Okay. Don’t tell Shane yet. I don’t care he knows I pee. We same playgroup, but don’t tell him Grandma. He not exactly… that close.” “Okay.” Chapter 93 Safety of Home It had been a very long day. Mostly, it was a good day. Shane went to the library with her, she learned a little bit more about why the shrine in her bedroom was so important, so much so, that Cait even decided to put the pieces back exactly as she could remember them to be. She had been a little bit testy trying to move them little by little to tell her own story, but then Grandma said the baby horse was Ron. It was more important now that she understood that the pony was further from its mom than in her story where she kept inching it closer to its mom. In Cait’s mind, the pony needed protection. In Ron’s mind, the pony wanted freedom. If Grandma had noticed what Cait was doing with that, and some of the others, she never said a word. As Cait eyed the pony from the fence, trying to put it exactly where it should be, there was a knock at the door. Cait turned and saw Grandma coming in. “I was putting it back, Grandma. I moved it a little bit. And I moved the dog, too. And I moved that one.” She pointed at a fence worker. “But I put them back. When you told us in the restaurant, and then you… um… had a accident in the car? I had to put it back. I understand now what means sr-I-n that you said before this is.” Grandma smiled. “I noticed. What am I going to do, little one. You’re a child, and you see toys. You kept it mostly the way I wanted it. You’re an explorer, just like Ron was. You’re just… more careful than he was I suppose?” Cait ran over and hugged her. “I’m sorry I saw you pee your pants.” “I’m not,” Grandma sighed. “It’s just water, whether you do it, or even if I get depressed. Truth is, I been wetting myself for a while, usually around this time of the year, maybe five or six times and then it stops again for a while. We went to a doctor, but they said nonsense. They didn’t get it. I went to a person like we sent you to… Harmony, but they were just… not getting it… so I stopped going. That’s the main reason I didn’t sent you to someone like that when you first came to stay with us. I didn’t trust them. I knew you’d have hard stuff from your mom’s letters and your dad… the way he treated you right in front of us… Sean and I talked. Before we knew you had a physical problem, we decided to just treat you like you weren’t potty trained. After all, you weren’t… not the right way. That’s why we were giving you permission, hon.” “Permish on?” “It means, we were encouraging you to just wet your pants and get used to things with us. My intent, I told Sean that first night you were with us… especially when we woke up and saw you on the floor in that pee spot on the floor… that we teach you to just wet your pants first. That way, you can start over. Then we potty train you right, to let you learn that you don’t pee your pants, not because of being scared, but because you don’t want to do it.” I looked up at her. “I do know better.” “I never meant you didn’t hon. I meant you shouldn’t know better because of fear, but because you don’t want to do it. There’s a difference. And until you understood the difference, we could just encourage you to pee your pants for a while.” “You trying to protect me?” Eiboline nodded. “I was being controlling again, I guess.” “No. I loved being allowed to wet my pants when it hurts and that Daddy-Sean picks me up and hugs me, and you just bathe me and teached me to change my pants. Can I pee my pants some more… on purpose?” “You have to for now, hon. Doctor says not to hold it. But when you get control, it’s your body, baby. You do what makes you feel good, and hopefully before you start junior high school, you’ll be able to control it so you don’t get shamed in front of other kids.” Cait hugged Grandma. “I knew you had to know I was too old to wet my pants, and you had a reason that you were being so nice about it!” “Grandma?” “Yes, Cait?” “Next time I see you pee your pants, what’s the easiest thing for me to do so you feel like… your body is yours, like you said my body is mine?” Grandma smiled. “Just love me like always. Just call me Grandma, and if I’m crying get your Daddy-Sean, sweetheart. Sometimes, even Grandmas need help that little girls’ love can only do so much for.” “Okay. I can sit in your lap in public. I always pee. I can be the little girl that peed on her grandma so no one knows you peed your pants… if at the restaurant next time. You peed at the restaurant, right?” Grandma nodded. “I did. That’s why Daddy hurried Shane out giving him a mission to deal with you so he wouldn’t see what I’d done.” “Good. I’m glad Daddy thinks fast. He’s the best.” “He is,” Grandma agreed.” “Good night, Grandma.” Sean was just around the corner, and when Grandma left her to let her sleep, Cait listened. “Are you okay, Eiboh?” “Yeah. Cait was just curious and she’s mature enough to understand a little bit more...so,” Grandma sighed. “I told her I sometimes pee my pants when I am thinking too much about Ron.” “Now.” Daddy whispered. “That’s done. She doesn’t hate you, just like I said she wouldn’t.” “You know it’s hard sometimes.” “I know, Eiboh. I see the stress everywhere, and people always covering it up. From Arnold’s grief of losing his farm, your… well, our, really, loss of Ron, and how the Henderson’s Billy is always misjudged as a bully because he won’t let even girls pick on his sister…. People are all trying to cover something. It’s not my business, but I can’t help it. I have to research into people I care about. I have to understand them so I don’t judge them.” “I know…,” and their voices went beyond Cait’s ears. “Daddy must have something wrong with him. Some that scares him so much that he’s like he is,” Cait said to the dark. “The Kinsellas put a wet little girl that they don’t even know in their lap and tell me to just pee my pants… and now I know that Grandma misses Ron, and that Daddy has to know so he doesn’t hurt others. He must have hurt someone on accident before. Did he hurt Ron? And Father, on the farm. What happened that he is like is? Why Mama doesn’t help him understand instead just let him scare her like that?” The ghost couldn’t even get into the dark room with Cait. Cait’s thought was too hard for the ghost to turn on her. Cait’s thought was on other people, not herself. Cait smiled remembering Shane’s face as he left the house that evening. He had clean clothes on, and he hugged Cait, not like a clumsy I’m doing what I’m told, but as a real friend like Billy and Ruth. “I’m not scared to pee my pants at your house,” Shane told Cait. “You people are really… different from anyone else I’d ever been visiting.” Cait was in bed… the room was still dark… she felt like something wasn’t right. There were whispers around her. “He’s going to be pissed at her.” “What do we do?” “I’m going to have to get in bed with her.” “Dad will think you did it, then.” “Not all of it. This is scary, Clo. Cait’s never done it this much, and not in her full sleep. She… she wets when she’s awake. Not in her sleep.” “What do you think?” “She’s sick.” There seemed to be silence. Cait saw two girls, probably Clo and Grainne. They were hovered over a girl that Cait could only guess as herself. She was floating from above them. “I’m gonna have to pee my pants next to her,” Grainne told Clo. “If you do that… you’ll both be wet.” “That’s the idea. Daddy expects her to pee in the bed, but if he sees this much and only Cait, he’ll say she did it on purpose just to be a brat. He’ll… he’ll hit her.” “If you pee your pants, where are you going to do it. If you do in the bed, it will just look like you both were brats. If you do it on the floor, he’ll blame Cait.” “You could lay down with us.” “Get in trouble for peeing the bed?” “Yeah… I’m sorry. I’ll just tell dad I peed like this. Maybe he’ll believe me if I say I did it on purpose to protect Cait from peeing a little.” “Daddy won’t buy that, Grainne. He lets Cait pee a little bit. Alright, I’ll help you help Cait. But how am I going to do that in dry underwear? I’ll have to pee my pants, too. You knew that, right?” “I knew,” Grainne whispered. “I’m sorry. But Cait can’t get hit. She’s too sick.” “Yeah. You’re right.” The dream slowly (just-a-peered) and my eyes started to wake to the early morning sun shining into my room. That was just a dream, right? They never did that, did they? I shivered. Daddy would have hit Grainne and Clo really bad if he found out they did anything like that. They can’t have done that. It’s not Clo to do that… is it? “Ghost?” Cait called out timidly not really wanting to see her, but wanting to know if the ghost knew about the dream. “Don’t call her, Cait,” Kooks whispered. “You can’t trust her.” “But she knows stuff,” Cait was shaking. “Ghost, come out. I know you’re there. You saw the dream. Don’t lie.” The Ghost had Clo’s face. “You finally realize that Grainne wasn’t the only one that got hit for you, did you?” Cait heard Clo’s voice and her manner… her feeling… it wasn’t fair. “Did you really pee your pants on purpose in my bed?” “Once two years ago, and once the year before that.” “Was I sick?” “We don’t know. But you were asleep. You fully peed. One night, you pooped. Grainne change your panties off of you and forced the poop into some of her panties in the dirty clothes.” “What? Why?” “You were sick. Grainne wasn’t. She wanted to get hit so you wouldn’t.” Cait frowned. “But you lie all the time.” “Do I lie, all the time? Why Kooks not chomping, then?” Just then, there was a knock and the ghost (just-a-peered). Chapter 94 What Have I Done? Cait sighed. She knew that the ghost lies, that Daddy would just get rid of the ghost’s manipu-late-ables, and she knew that there was no way to really know if that Clodagh really peed in her bed before or not. She knew that somehow, the nightmare wasn’t exactly the ghost, which was confusing. She tried to shrug it off until mid-morning when she was brushing Summerstone in the fence, Cait’s yard. “Summerstone? How scared or loved does someone have to be to… how do I say it? It not any make sense to me. Grainne can’t have done that. Clo… she’s strong and never pees. It can’t be real, my dream last night. But then Kooks. He didn’t chomp the ghost who was acting like she was Clo. Acting jealous I only knew Grainne sometimes peed to save the little sisters….” Summerstone moved its head to taste Cait’s hair. “How loved would it take… that someone clean someone’s poop of their butt, but with her own panties to get herself in trouble? That… that can’t really happen, does it?” Summerstone looked back at its mother and then at Cait. “But she’s your mom. She wouldn’t need to do that her own panties. She could just clean you up and love you.” Summerstone looked back at its mother again. “The biting rope for the gate? When Daddy caught your mom doing it. Did you do it first?” There was a spitting horse splutter from Summerstone. Maybe he was saying that’s the same. She was protecting her baby from Daddy’s frustration. But Cait knew Daddy wouldn’t hit any animal, let alone a baby one. Cait sat there, in the pen, and she looked down at her jeans. “Kinsellas say I’m allowed to go potty my pants. Father at home says it is bad. The Kinsellsa hold me when I cry. Father at home says why you cry, you did it? And Mommy agrees to Father. Are my sisters okay?” Summerstone nudge me with his nose. “I love you,” I think he said. “Cait?” Grandma came out to get me. “Your sisters wrote to you. Two of them, anyway. They let the little sisters draw on the back of the papers, I think.” She handed a piece of a paper grocery bag that had Grainne’s writing on it, and that piece of cardboard from the old box I put in the last letter for Grainne, but it had Clo’s writing on it. I smiled and looked up at Grandma. “Read to me?” The piece of cardboard letter, the one from Clodagh, with coloring all over the back and some on the front of the letter told Cait that Aoibhe must have gotten a hold of her letter and was coloring on it. Cait laughed. Dear Cait (not cat), Daddy mad Grainne. Roisin peed in church last Sunday. Grainne told Daddy she’s a little kid. Dad asked her if she thinks she’s big enough to be the parent. So, Grainne looked him in the eye and peed on the kitchen floor. Grainne was told not to pee her pants on Monday even in the field or else. Roisin misses you. She calls you the fun sister. She says even if you pee your pants, she wants you back. She doesn’t care if you poop in your pants. She just wants her fun sister back. Grainne is always too busy. I just… don’t get her kind of fun. I tell her to play with Aoibhe, but she says Aoibhe wants an older sister to play too. Grainne peed her pants again after dinner. I didn’t even see daddy mad at anyone, and I knew daddy told her not to pee her pants in the field tomorrow, so I… I peed in Grainne’s lap, on purpose, and Dad got mad at me, too. Now I can’t pee in the field tomorrow too. I don’t know how we will finish the work without peeing our pants. It got easier to get more done when we peed our pants, but now…. I don’t know what to do.” I miss you, too. Cait? Do you think Grainne is a bad sister for peeing her pants at dinner last night? She’s scared she is. She says she bad. I didn’t tell her she’s bad though. I’m going to sneak this letter in the mail after Daddy goes to work tomorrow. It’s Sunday. Love Clodagh PS: Aoibe decorated. Cait looked up at Grandma. “Grainne peed on purpose to stop Daddy yelling at Roisin.” “That’s what the letter said.” “Daddy went back on his word, Grandma. He said he doesn’t hit Grainne and Clo for peeing in the field. Can Daddy-Sean write him a scary big people police letter that tell Daddy leave Grainnie and Cloie alone?” “I don’t know, Pet. But maybe Daddy and I can talk about it later.” “What Grainne letter say?” “I think Grainne wrote to you; knowing, you. Why don’t you try to read hers, and I’ll hold you and tell you what words are if they are too hard. See? She wrote really big, too.” “Okay.” Dear Cait We all Miss you. Even Clo misses you. She said so, but I bet her letter doesn’t say. She’s so strong. I am glad she is strong though. Yesterday, I got in big trouble. I accidentally on purpose pooped my pants because Dad was yelling at Roisin. “Grandma? She says she pooped, but Clo says she peed.” “Clo was probably just being nice about her feelings, hon. Believe your big sister.” “Okay. I peed at the table, too. I would have probably got no dinner, but suddenly Clo sat on my lap and peed right on me, I think on purpose. Dad got up and looked at her, and he told her… you better not pee your pants tomorrow even at work. You are testing me. Daddy means, she made him mad to pee at the table, but I know what she did. She knew I peed and Daddy was already mad. If he saw, I would probably not eat but he saw Clo. He walked out the door and said Damned Girls. “Clo peed on Grainne?” I asked Grandma. “I didn’t know Clo ever peed on people before. “Well, she had a choice. Let Grainne get in trouble by herself and not have dinner, or pee her pants and make daddy too flustered to punish anyone, I suppose?” Grandma looked almost as confused. “I think Grainne poops her pants for me,” Cait told Grandma. “That’s another thing,” Grandma sighed. “We can’t do much about her until your Daddy sees that you are being helped, hon. Let’s focus on you getting control back first, okay?” Cain continued to read the letter. Roisin says the farm is just… no fun. The Fun sister went away. Aoibhe looks at your floor space all the time. Sometimes, she asks. Can Cait come back? How come Daddy sends her away? Daddy told her to pee her pants. He told her. Even Aoibhe knows Daddy told you to pee in your bed on purpose. Anyway, I have to think of a way to help Clo tomorrow. She has to pee her pants no matter what. So I have to protect her. I think I’ll make her wear my clothes and tell her to poop em if she has to go. Daddy knows I poop my pants. If she poops in them, he will know it’s me and not Clo then. Well, Roisin wants room to color, so I have to leave her room. Love Grainne. Roisin drew four sisters in by the house. There was a large space between two sister and two sisters, and written in the middle was Kat, the fun and she drew a picture of a girl in dots not in full stick form. Then she colored it. Cait looked up at Grandma. “My sisters are suffering. Clo gonna have to poop her pants tomorrow.” “It’s already happened, hon. This letter was sent last week, I think. If it were sent on Monday… we wouldn’t have it yet. I think the sisters put the wrong date, or maybe they put the wrong date to trick your Father? It couldn’t have been sent any later than Friday to get here today.” “So… Clo had to poop her pants?” “Probably.” “Fucker!” Cait whispered. It was Daddy, but it was still a fucker thing to do. He promised she could pee her pants. Now, Grainne has to force one of the two sisters that don’t pee all the time to… on purpose… put her panties just so Daddy thinks Grainne did it, and Clo’s clothes are clean. “Am I bad if I call Daddy a fucker?” Cait asked Grandma. “God says be good your parents, but Daddy… he…he hurts and Grainne has to ask a dent lee pee and poot on purpose, and now, Clo has to. That a fucker thing, isn’t it?” “Yes, Cait, both things can be true at the same time. It can be bad to do one bad thing because another bad thing.” Grandma sighed. “You shouldn’t hate your parents. I don’t agree with you calling them names. But your hurt isn’t wrong, either.” “So… what do I do?” “If I knew that, I’d would be rich. I’d write a book that would make millions if I could write a book that taught people how to respond to bad stuff that happens to them from people that they shouldn’t be bad back to.” “So no one knows?” “No, Cait. And anyone that says they do, is lying.” “How do I make it so Grainne doesn’t have to do it ask a dent tally on popos?” Cait asked. “When we bisit then, can I do something that helps them stop to do this sick game to transfer poop. It gross and it wrong. Sitting someone lap that peed… weird, but okay. Putting their poot in your panties? Gross! I don’t want Grainne and Clodagh do that no more.” “I don’t know,” Grandma sighed. “But if you get cured of pooping by December, your Dad might let us take Grainne to find out what her actual medical problems are.” “So I need to stop pooting my pants?” “Not yet. You have to be healed, hon. Healed right, not hiding it, and not not doing it just because you are scared. It has to be real healing. You trust us, and we’ll try to get Grainne help. Then Roisin. And so on.” “Okay.” Cait hugged Grandma. While Wednesday had not real conflict in it, Cait was going to cause a lot of conflict on Thursday, on purpose! Chapter 95 Ghosts ARE Real For Me Thursday morning and afternoon went about as usual. Cait peed, but no one cared. They cleaned her up, they helped her, they loved her. Cait’s Ghost was mostly quiet, and Cait knew where she was. Then the little hand was on the six and the big hand was on the one. “Time to get ready for playgroup,” Daddy said as he lifted Cait out of her Front City. “You want to take a bath, have Grandma help, or me?” “I can do it.” Cait skipped up the stairs to the bathroom, and she sighed. She was going to see Shane after that day he peed his pants at the library. She hoped he was okay. While Cait was in the bathroom, the Ghost sat on the toilet while she was taking her clothes off. “I’m going to take a bath.” “I know,” the ghost had Cait’s face. “I’m just going to watch.” “You supposed to be scared of the bath.” “I am safe. I’m way over here.” “Oh, okay.” Cait thought she hear Ghost peeing into the toilet… but through her jeans? Was the girl wearing jeans? That’s not Daddy’s farm Cait. That’s a Kinsella Cait. Daddy would hit Cait if Cait put on jeans on her own on the farm. “How come you got jeans, now?” The Ghost shrugged and pulled down her wet jeans. She had on boy panties, too. “How?” The ghost shrugged. “I don’t know. It just happened. I come one day and I have a dress, and today, I get on the toilet but poot my panties on purpose, and I have this on?” “You pooted?” “Yeah,” the ghost sighed. “We always poot, don’t we?” “Yeah,” Cait whispered. The bath was ready. “You should get Grandma to clean you so I can disappear. You got poop on your panties. Look.” Cait looked. She was right. There was a little bit of poop in her panties. Cait sighed. “Yeah. Daddy and Grandma said I can’t clean up poot. It’s hard not because I Cait, but because I little kid.” She ran down the stairs naked. “Daddy! I pooted my pants! I need help!” Cait was carried up the stairs and her nose was touched. Daddy kissed her forehead. She wasn’t disgusting. “Good girl getting help,” Daddy told her. “That’s what we do when poopy gets on little girls or boys.” Daddy put me in the bath, and he started to wash me. “I get it,” I looked up at Daddy. “Get what?” “That I not bad because I pooted.” “Good.” “Do you think Shane pees his pants because of his sisters at home?” “What do you mean, love?” Daddy asked as he started to wash my hair. “Well…. If Grainne tells Clo to poot her panties, only she’s wearing Grainne’s ones, and it’s so Clo doesn’t get in trouble for peeing outside…. Can Shane… even if he’s scared of time and stuff about suppose to do it, can he also do it because he doing something for sisters?” “I wouldn’t make that connection if I were you. It is possible that his sisters are fine, and his problem is just personal, Cait. Not all families work like yours does.” “Okay.” Daddy had me in a nice skirt and he kissed my cheek. He had a Green shirt on me with a horse on it. It was short sleeved. I liked it. The horse looked like Summerstone. This my summer stone shirt. We pulled up to the playgroup place, and I looked at Daddy. “I can go in. I promise. I know here it is, and I already pooted, and if I pee, they have sweats for me, so I okay.” And then I saw the little girl I saw the last time running to the building from her car. “I’m Cait. We met last week.” “Oh, yeah. You Shane’s new friend.” “Yeah.” “I’m Heather. So you going to sit in Shane’s lap?” “Yeah, maybe… if he wants me to.” “Did you know so many high school kids do pee pants, too?” “So many?” “Well, Ethan and Grace?” Cait shrugged. “I don’t think you should talk about it. I think you should ask them why if you want to know. That’s the nice thing. Talk about it only makes people who don’t get it learn and then be mean to them.” “It does?” “My big sister does it.” “She does?” “Yeah. She does it so the little kids don’t get hit for something. Like if Roisin crying too much and daddy getting tired hearing it, he stands up and then Grainne pees on the floor in front of him, and he suddenly starts yelling at her. She’s Shane’s age.” “Oh! That’s scary! How old Roisin?” “She’s littler than me.” “Well, your sister is stopping her getting hit?” “Yeah.” “That’s a good reason to do it, I guess.” We were sitting there, a few of us talking, and suddenly, I heard crying in the hall. I looked over, but no one came through right away. I looked around at the other kids. The little kids were all here, I thought. Then I looked at Shane’s ages. They were all there. Wait, a high school girl was crying in the hall? That’s not normal. “I be right back,” I whispered to Shane. “Please. Let me.” I walked over to the door and saw Mr. Vance squatting by Grace, this big girl with darker light hair like blond, but not blond. And he was talking to her. She was really crying. “I can’t go in there.” I walked over and I looked at Mr. Vance. “What’s wrong?” “Cait, it’s between….” “Just tell her,” Grace screamed. “Tell her! The big stupid kid just shit her pants! Go on!” I gulped. “Mister, I promise, I know what’s wrong. It’s her ghost. It doesn’t happy.” “What?” “Trust me. I take her bathroom. Send sweats to us. I help her.” “You’re not her….” “Group,” I reminded the teacher. “Group means, even if you have one person who is more be sponsor you, it doesn’t mean another can’t love you. Get us pants. I take her bathroom.” “So perfect, in your clean pants… thinking you are helping a broken dog, right?” Grace pouted and her words hurt, but I heard her ghost. “Shut up, Ghost. She already got what you wanted. Go away. Ghost?” I didn’t know why, but I suddenly called my own ghost. “Ghost? Make her Ghost go away.” Then suddenly I be membered God. “In Jesus name? My ghost take her ghost to ghost ther-pee?” Grace was looking at me side-eye. “What are you doing?” “Taking you to the bathroom. You big kid. You scared. It’s okay to be scared. Big people pee their pants, too. I see it my own eyes. Not you. Not even this group. A real big person. You allowed to pee your pants. I promise.” Grace frowned, tears running down her face. “I was at my aunt’s house, and I was supposed to be babysitting. Because I shit my pants, they didn’t pay me nothing for three hours of watching my cousins. They said I taught them bad, and my mom shrugged and asked why I didn’t go to the bathroom.” Your mom just asked you why you didn’t go? Your Aunt didn’t even ask you why you had a ask a dent just because you baby sitted. My Daddy mad if someone promise me money but don’t paid it, even my mean daddy in Mysery. And you didn’t just poop em though. Something happened. You don’t just poop em without that reason. I know cause Grainne, my big sister, she poops sometimes, it is always a reason even if she do it because she choose it.” “Choose it?” “She wrote me a letter. She telled my sister older than me, but younger her. She said her sister to poop, but wear Grainne’s panties. She do it to stop daddy hitting little girls. You have a reason.” “Do I have to tell you?” “No. That’s your ghost you can tell me or not. I just told you I know so you don’t lonely it happened you because you don’t just do it. It like my here Daddy says. No kid bigger than eight just does it. There always something how come.” Grace nodded. “So… you don’t think I’m gross and stupid?” “That a bad bad bad word, Grace. Saying stupid for you, is worsted than saying focker to people mean you. My here Daddy said so, and you know what? You wanna know what? I think he right. I think people who said they pay you and not paid you is focker, but if you don’t like me said that, then I sorry. I just mad they make you cry just cause you pee a little in pants at group that apposed to help you that.” She suddenly grabbed Cait and hugged her as Isabelle brought in clothes for her. “One of you said fucker,” she said. “That’s bad.” “Not as bad as call you to yourself stupid,” I frowned. “I told that her. That why I said it. If you taled, you taled I said, not her. She cry, so you even know her cry voice can’t say it because it not a cry voice I said it.” “You’re right. Won’t your Dad get mad at you if I tell?” “Daddy in Mysery would. Not Daddy here.” “Oh, you’re one of those families?” Cait looked down. “What kind of family you mean?” “You know,” Isabella frowned. “Where your mom lives with a man in one place and your dad lives with a woman in another? Or are you….” Cait held up a hand. “I not stupid. If you call me stupid, you are calling me a fucker. If you calling me a fucker, I’m telling. I told you, stupid to you self is worse than fucker. I will not let you call me stupid. I will tell the teacher you said a word worse than fucker at me.” Isabelle glared at her. “Stupid is a normal….” “No! It’s a hate thing to say. It says someone can’t do nothing. I can’t do many many many things a kid young than me does, but you know what I can do? I can love people, even mean people!” Isabelle frowned. “Well, here are her clothes. Are you going to change her?” “She’s bigger than me. You think I that mean? I am just here to help her if she need with my words and my own ghost. She big girl more than me. She change her pants. She not that word, and if you say that word my friend, I tell Mr. Vance you called my friend worse than fucker.” Isabelle looked at Cait—really looked at her. “You’re strange,” and she skipped off. Cait strugged. She didn’t care if she was called weird. She didn’t think strange was so different from weird, so she shrugged. “Here, you change your pants, big sister. And I know you pooping your pants even before. Someone ask a dent tally told, but I know… It not your fault. We apposed to help each other. I don’t strong, but I know how to listen.” “You do, too,” Grace frowned. “You should tell people about your fucker theory. Mr. Vance might be mad if you say the word at first, until he hears your theory. He might even think you are smarter than people say.” Cait shrugged. “I not smart. My Daddy is really mommy’s cousin and my Grandma who is really really my mom’s cousin who married Daddy who told me Stupid at me is worse than when I said fucker before. They smart. They love. Daddy nice Shane. He tell you.” “What?” “Shane went library with us on Tuesday. Daddy and Grandma know he peed library. But he nice. I really like him.” “You’re the nice one, Cait. Trust me.” Cait shrugged. “Okay.” When Grace was changed, Cait hugged her and smiled up at her. “Can you carry me?” “Me?” “Yeah. You’re a big person in the group and I a little girl. You care me, right?” “Well, yeah.” Grace picked Cait up. “You’re kind of heavy.” “Sorry.” “Don’t. I don’t mind.” Grace brought her over and put her in Shane’s lap. Grace whispered to Shane, and he looked up at her. Cait wasn’t sure, but she knows she heard a sound of ‘ucky’ that was whispered. Her Ghost wasn’t around to twist the words. ‘Yucky’ makes the same sound, but she didn’t look at Cait like Cait was yucky, and she didn’t seem to talk to Shane bad, either. “Isabelle came in with clothes for me in the bathroom,” Grace said when she put Cait down. “Not Isabella,” Shane frowned. “She’s….” “Judgmental?” Grace frowned. “I mean, Mia Wei is a nice person, but there’s no way she’d stand up to Isabella or whatever her name is.” “I know,” Shane said. “Cait’s family is… nicer than most.” “It’s Cait’s whole family? Isabella implied that she knows Cait’s family is divorced and stuff.” “Divorced? Yeah, right! No. It’s not that, and I don’t think I should tell you what is going on. If you want to know, ask her cousins. Those are the people she calls Daddy and Grandma. That’s all I’m letting Cait say though. It’s hard on little kids to… explain. She has… well, if ghosts were real, Cait’s ghost would be the worst kind.” Grace nodded. “Okay.”

Chapter 85 Big Kids’ Games Billy took Cait to the swings. “How about you swing for a bit and talk. It’s good to get your worries off your mind. You know I won’t tell anyone anything you say, just like you won’t tell anyone that Ruth still wets the bed sometimes, right?” “Yeah. That would be mean to tell anyone about her Ghosts when she keeps mine a secret. She’s a really good friend,” Cait said. “It’s not telling if I tell your mom she said she did it today, is it?” “What do you mean?” Billy stopped the swing. “Well, she didn’t say it happened today. It’s just I’d want her mommy to know so she could help her. Your mommy doesn’t get mad if she does it… does she?” “No. Mom always wakes her anyway, so she knows.” “I was just saying, I would only ever tell on her or you if I thought it leads to helping you, not to people that would just be mean. If you understand. Like I won’t tell no teachers at school. They don’t care and would just make trouble for it. And most other kids can’t help her, so no reason to tell them… you see?” “Yeah. I see. Are you going to tell my mom I told you the hospital was on purpose?” “Did you tell your mom it was on purpose?” “No. I felt too embarrassed to say that, so I just said I couldn’t see the bathroom, and they told me to stay where I was, so I… just couldn’t hold it. I know it was sort of a lie, but it’s embarrassing.” “Your mom knows you peed and she helped you though, so that’s enough. What you tell your mom about it… is really up to you, so no… I don’t think I tell her you said anything to me assept you said you peed your pants if she asked me.” “Cool.” “You promise to me something?” “Sure,” Billy gently pushed the swing for her. “If you see Grainne pee, you don’t tell Mommy or Father and if it in bad place, you really careful not to make it knowed. Mommy and Father not safe to tell and even if Clo does it? Clo doesn’t. But Grainne probably do it if we gone all day.” “It’s up to them who they tell,” Billy told Cait. “If they are too embarrassed, and if they will get hit for it, then I agree. We don’t tell those people. But if I told your aunt?” “If Mommy not around, Grandma is safe. You tell her so Grainne can get comfort if you know she peed, but she tried to hide because she scared.” “Just like you promised about who you tell on Ruth if Ruth wets the bed and tells you, I will do the Same for Grainne. Only the people you live with will know if I get a chance to help her by telling, but no one else. Kids can’t help, so I won’t tell her sisters. She can do that if she wants.” Cait looked back at him as the swing moved forward. “I love you, Billy.” His face went red and he looked down. “We’re just helping each other. You don’t have to get all mushy on me.” “If I saw Ruthie pee in her pants, if it looked like it was trouble or it was an accident, do you tell people on her?” Cait asked. “Why would I do that?” “I don’t know. People get surprised when Grainne doesn’t tell on me when I pee my pants at school.” “Well…, yeah, I guess some people have brothers and sisters that gets the other one in trouble. I never really understood that though. If I cover for sis if she does something mom might be a little bit mad about, then she will cover me me. But I’d tell mom if she peed because she won’t get in trouble for peeing her pants. Mom will just want to know to make sure she’s not getting sick… like if it happened a lot. Both mom and dad told us both once, if you see your brother or sister peeing their pants or bed more than you are used to, you tell us. Your sister might be sick. So, yeah, I’ll tell on her to mom because she might be sick.” Cait frowned. “I wish I could tell my Mom on Grainne. I think Grainne is sick. But the doctor said she’s not. But he said I’m not. But the doctor here said I am. And they even did a option for me. And he said I still not—not sick. I still need help. So other doctor bad.” “Cait? You’ll get me in trouble if you tell mom I said a bad word… but there’s no polite way to say… That is FUCKed up with a great big giant F.” Cait giggled. “You said that word.” Billy stopped a moment. “You’re going to tell on me?” “That you called Mysery Doctors stupid? No, but even if I did, I going to say what you meant, not say the private thing you told me.” Billy seemed to take in a breath of relieved air. “I told you. I only tell-tell on you if it helps you. Get you in trouble for be on my side? That would be Fucked, and you know what? It funny. I allowed to say Fucked but not Stupid at Kinsella home. To them, Stupid is the cuss word, especially if I say me and that word together.” “Well, that is a cuss. You are not that word, and I forbid you to say that word and my friend’s name in the same sentence! Unless it’s something that happened to you.” Cait smiled. “You’re safe. I can tell you almost anything.” Billy smiled. “You know what your uncle would say? Now.” Cait giggled. “That’s definitely Daddy!” “Did you ever have a nightmare… where you were forced to do something otherwise, someone you love would get hurt, and your nightmare told you, and you weren’t awake enough to fight it, so you did it?” Billy stopped the swing. “What are you trying to say?” “Well, I know it was just a dream now, so it makes it babyish.” “No…. I told you. Babies do it without knowing or caring. They don’t know pooping their pants is wrong. You struggle with it because you have troubles, and you are big like me. Please. Don’t call yourself a baby, or anything happening to you babyish. It’s not, Cait.” “Okay.” “I told you Ruth sometimes gets these dreams that makes her pee the bed. I would never call her a baby for being scared of something, especially if she’s sleeping. Nightmares, can really feel like you are there, sometimes.” Cait nodded. “Yeah, only I woked up and knew it, but I still scared of Ghost.” “Ghost isn’t just a nightmare, Cait. I can’t explain what it is. But it’s real. I’ve had the same feelings even if my feelings don’t feel like someone talking to me. I still have them, and that’s real. It’s not a nightmare.” “So… if it’s not a nightmare, then I’m weird.” “We all weird, Cait. Just some kinds of weird are okay with other people, and some kinds of weird, that people don’t get, they are mean about. That’s not your fault. And I like your weird.” “Well, Ghost tells me to do stuff… especially potty stuff. If I don’t, Grainne will get in trouble, or Roisin. They already have troubles. But lately, the ghost threatens my baby sister who hasn’t ever peed herself since she was like four. And it’s telling me, she’s going to pee her pants if I don’t… that’s why I peed my pants at church yesterday, so Grainne wouldn’t pee in the wrong place and Aoibhe wouldn’t get scared because she suddenly peed, and she doesn’t do that.” Billy hugged me. “I hate what those people did to you and your sisters, Cait. But you should understand that no matter what your dark side of your brain tells you, it’s wrong. If something happens to them, it’s because your brain already knows it will happen. The blaming yourself…. I don’t understand it. But it feels like something they did to make you think like that.” Cait shrugged. “It’s real to me.” “I never said it wasn’t. I’m saying, I hate what those people did to you and your sisters. That Ghost wouldn’t be there if they didn’t scare you and do this to you.” Cait looked down. “Am I… like… crazy?” Billy frowned. “You mean nuthouse crazy? No! You’re just been told real bad stuff over and over until you think somehow your Dad can magically see what you do or don’t do, and that makes you feel like you have to do something or it gets your sisters in trouble. Right?” “Kind of?” Cait wasn’t sure that was quite how to explain Ghost. “Next time you see the ghost, look at it. Stare at it. Judge it. Make it think it’s under the spotlight instead of you. And tell me what happens when you do that. If you can. I’m not saying it’s the right answer to answer it, but maybe if we experiment, we can make it weaker.” “Daddy says water makes ghosts weaker. It worked. Ghost never said it could tell if I pee in the bathwater, and it doesn’t go to the bathroom with me if I’m going to take a bath.” “Yeah. But that only works around water.” “And… Mirrors,” Cait added. “Daddy says they don’t like re-fect-yion.” “Well, still. You need to fight it when you don’t have a bathroom there. That’s why you pee and poop your pants in public. You don’t have anyway to keep the ghost bothering you. I mean… there could be other reasons, but we can make it so the ghost isn’t one of them, that would help you, right?” Cait shrugged. “Do you want to try?” “Okay. But what if I fail?” “I’m still your friend, and we experimenting. We don’t know what will work until we try things. I will never be mad or think anything other than… well, that didn’t work, if it doesn’t work. You don’t fail, when you doing experiments. It’s the science way to find what did they call it last year… like um… you find out why by trying to find out what happens and when and you take one thing away or add one thing at a time, until you know.” “Okay.” “Hey!” Cait and Billy heard a whine in Ruth’s voice. “Cait’s my friend! How come she’s playing with just you?” “She wasn’t exactly playing, Ruth. She was talking about some scary stuff that you would get really upset if you heard.” “Is it the because she pees her pants stuff?” “Sort of, but even more scary. I don’t think you should hear about some of this for a while. You’ll wet the bed tonight if she told you how real her ghost was.” “That’s sounds bad.” “Yeah. It’s a lot of pressure. I mean, it’s no wonder she wets herself all the time. I don’t see how you go through it all and not pee your pants.” Ruth hold Cait’s hand. “Well, it not the Kinsellas because?” Cait shook her head. “No. They helping.” “Good. Because I tell my mommy not to be their friend no more if they make you go bathroom in your pants by because they mean.” “No…. They make me, but because when I try not to, they think it’s too hard.” “Imagine,” Billy frowned. “Let’s say you peed sometimes at school, in your pants….” “I know you don’t, but let’s say you did. What do you think mom will do?” “She ask the doctor.” “Dad?” “He ask the doctor, too.” “Her dad hits her for peeing, and then he hits her sister because she pees her pants, and then he tells her not to pee on the floor. But then he makes her do something and not use the toilet until she can finish something… even if she’s got poop trying to come out her butt. And if it comes out, she’s in trouble. Right Cait?” Cait looked down. “Yeah. Other fourth graders could hold it…?” “I can’t. If it coming by my butt, it will go in my pants,” Ruth said. “It happened once in second grade. I was so scared and then Mommy said it wasn’t bad. She said she sorry because she told me to wait too long because we in a long long car ride and there no toilet, so I started crying because I pooped my pants. And Mommy said it was Mommy’s fault and not mine. And we just clean it up and it’s okay.” Cait sighed. “If I poot my pants, Grainne, my big sister gets yelled at for not teaching me better and not making sure I go the bathroom. But if I start, and I move and I makes a pee trail, we both get hit, but if I start and finish same place, Daddy just yells at Grainne for being stupid like me, and letting me pee on the floor.” Cait sighed. “I saw water on the floor before I started to pee. I didn’t understand where it came from. I think it was last March. But Grainne hugged me while I peed, and then when Daddy came and caught us, she said. Cait didn’t.” Cait frowned and looked at the ground. “Grainne said, well, Cait didn’t pee in the house. She didn’t make a mess. Then Daddy said there’s pee on the floor. Grainne said, and what about the pee on my dress?” Cait shivered. She looked into Ruth’s eyes wanting to see blame, but all she saw was wide eyed wondered. “And Daddy said to her, You? And Grainne said Yes. He pulled Grainne’s dress up to check her panties. They were wet. She peed on purpose to take the blame of peeing in the floor, but I really peed on the floor.” Cait felt tears run down her face. “And I’m ten and should know not to do it, but Grainne still protect me like I’m five or something.” Billy frowned. “Not like you are five, Cait. Like you are important to her. If I saw you about to be in trouble for pooping your pants… I’d do it and sneak you away so I could take the blame.” “You wouldn’t poot your pants, Billy,” Cait challenged him. “You don’t think I would? I’ll piss myself right now!” “You don’t even got to….” A wet patch spread across his pants and down his legs. He was really doing it, and Cait just sat there in the swing, her heart feeling tight and tears burning inside her eyes. “You don’t have to….” But it was too late. He finished peeing his pants. “Do I have to prove I’ll poop em?” “Please don’t,” Cait whispered. “Come with me.” Billy held out his hand. “Why?” “You’ll see. This is how Mommy is supposed to feel.” He walked towards the big people, and Daddy and his Dad were talking. “Dad?” Billy looked up at him. “Cait told me a scary thing that her Daddy did to her, and ….” He looked down at his pants. “I peed.” His dad squatted down. “You’re in sixth grade, Billy. Tell me what happened. I don’t believe you did this because you are scared. You are not in trouble, but be honest.” “Her sister… she says… got hit and beaten for her. Her sister peed her pants on purpose to protect her last March or something, and her dad lifted her skirt. She’s in like eighth grade or something… like you don’t even lift Ruth’s skirt without letting her know you want to and why. But he just yanked her skirt up to check her panties because she told him she peed and not Cait. And well… it’s not right. And she thought her sister was treating her like she was a little kid, but I told her it’s not because she’s a little kid. It’s because she’s important, and then I proved it to her. I peed my pants to show her that she’s important to me.” Billy’s dad sighed. “There are better ways to show that, Billy. But you did it on purpose? You’re not sick?” “I’m not sick.” “Go play. We don’t have anything for you to change into, so the choice is we go home now and stop playtime, or you play in your peed pants.” “I want to play.” Billy looked at me. “That’s how a dad that loves you does when you protect someone important to you.” Mr. Henderson looked at Sean. “You believe that boy of mine? I am not happy he peed his pants, but you know… I’m proud of him. Putting someone else’s feelings over his own just because they don’t understand how important they are to him…? How do you scold a kid for that?” Sean shrugged. “I don’t. I mean, honestly, kids navigate a lot of stuff they don’t understand, so I wouldn’t scold Cait if she pees herself once she’s fully healthy. She knows why she did it. That’s enough. I don’t need to scold her. You teach little ones because they don’t know any better, but once they know… scolding is wrong. Their bodies, you know? And kids already punish them by deciding to accept them or not. Kids will be their own judges and their own motivations to stop doing something that’s not good for them.” “I suppose you might be right,” Billy’s Dad said. “Daddy? I made up my mind. I want to bring Billy, if Billy Daddy says it okay. He said he won’t be mean Grainne, and he peed in front of me in front of everyone. He can teach Grainne best that there no bad judging, when I find out when and why her first time, just you know… so I know if I the reason or not.” Sean shrugged. “You need to tell your Grandmother, and then if she agrees with you, then you can ask Billy’s parents.” “Come with me, Billy?” Cait skipped up to Grandma. “Grandma. I want Billy to come. He said he wouldn’t mean to Grainne, and he peed his pants to prove it, that I not a baby he protecting, but I important for him. And he said if Grainne did it, it not I was five years old or something, but I important her. And he peed and could have gotten his Daddy mad, but he did it. And other kids watching. No one does that… not unless you are important them.” Grandma nodded. “You’re right, Cait. No one does that unless you are important to them. What do his parents think about it?” “I told Daddy in front of his Daddy, and Daddy said I have to see if you think it’s good before I ask his parents, but his Daddy didn’t say he couldn’t,” Cait remembered that often times, if you ask someone to help you in front of their parents to your parent, that usually they say no right away to stop the hope. His Daddy stayed quiet. “Billy, I don’t understand why you’d just pee your pants,” His mom said when Cait and Billy told her what happened. But she sighed. “However, given the stress and the careful weaving and whatnot. I want you to promise me something if your dad and I say yes….” “Yeah?” “If you choose you pee or especially if you choose to poop your pants on this trip, you tell the Kinsellas as soon as you are a mess so it gets cleaned up, and you try not to do it too often. It’s just not healthy.” “I promise, only if and when Cait needs the support, and I promise, I’ll ask for clean clothes as soon as I can.” “Then,” that word acting almost as a sigh. “Go ask your dad. I don’t have any reason to say no.” Ruth, of course was right at Daddy’s side, so that when he said yes, she looked up at Cait. “How come not me?” “Because you littler than me,” Cait frowned. “If Grainne saw you pee, I don’t know if she knows to think of you as a big girl if you pee. She needs to see a big kid that does what she does, and to understand it’s not being a crime.” “I could go with you and Billy?” “Grandma said only one friend. I already asked. I wanted her to let me take you both.” Suddenly, Ruth’s Daddy grabbed her from her waist and pulled her up into an awkward hug before settling her around him like a real hug. He touched her nose. “You can’t both go off! Who will protect me from mommy?” Ruth giggled. Cait did too. That’s something Daddy would say! Cait looked up at Daddy. “I’m peeing, Daddy.” “Your friend needs to go change his pants, too, hon. How about we take you to change and then get lunch, okay? You are neither one in trouble. It’s just not good for even a healthy body to sit in pee for very long.” “Okay.” Chapter 86 I pooted and I told Cait was back out by her baby horse when she was along again. She had paper in her hand and the other letter that she had meant to start that morning had been forgotten about. It wouldn’t have been good for Grainne, so instead, she focused on something that would make Grainne happy and on something Daddy would know it would be wrong to be mad about. Dear Grainne. I had a nitemare last nite. Ser is som confuzd abot ar past, but that’s all. Grandma, I meets Cusin Eiboline, but she’s lik a Granma, she says we can bisit for a birsday for you. I mite eben get som mona to by you stuff. Wat cud I get you for ten dollerz for your birsday? I hab these reelee nis frens. I told you bot Russie, right? She’s my age, amost, abot mabee won yer yung. Her broder, Billy is nis. He mabee won yer oldr. He pla wiff me eben I peed. If you poot, he not eben tell no kid and not Daddy. Onlee, he tell help like Granma. You lob Granma. She and Daddy woo is cusin shann woo Daddy rite nowm dey don mad me pee or pooted. An doctr mabee fixed pooter but not pee-er now. But soon, pee-er, too. Do you an Clo pee in feld? Pleeze no hurt. Pleeze find way no get sick and no get sad to pee and poot. Clo not poop her pants in feld. But Daddy not find ot pul pants down. Pleeze carfall you not teejed any to wate long. It mak bad doktr her say. Poot need ot. Jus no pants in hom dad find ot. Clo happy? Roisin okay? Sad she pee on bed on no her want and she can not do it. I want her saf, so she do it. Pleez she do it, but I sad she don chuz pee wer she want. Aoibhe not pee or poot? Pleez she go pot for it. If she don, how fix it? Fix so Grainne don pee or poop by Dad see. He mad you do in howss. I scared Ghost make Aoibhe pee pants lass Sunny Day. Do Aoibhe pee pants Sunday? Do you pee at church and Dad mad? Or you poot? Ghost said punish for you because I not prob I pee pants church like I toll. I luv you and my sisters. I give you paypr. Rite me? I draw you pichur us happy otside play. Cait. Cait stuffed this letter in the envelope. “Summerstone? Can Ghost go all the way to Mysery and still be trouble me here?” Summerstone seemed to nod his head. Cait’s face fell. Nature told her yes. Then Summerstone tasted her hair again, as if it wouldn’t fix anything if Ghost couldn’t. Cait knew inside, Daddy at Mysery is Daddy. He only knows the dokters said. They said Grainne pee because her want, then Daddy thinks it. “Do you think Grainne pooted at church yesterday?” she asked Summestone. Summerstone paused a moment in her hair, snorted at her, and then tasted her hair again. “Yeah. I don’t know, too.” The ghost appeared. Cait looked at it. “What do you want?” “Grainne pooted. I can show you.” “You lying.” “Grainne is sitting in poop in the kitchen chair. Want to see?” “No?” The ghost turns-a-muted to Grain fourteen, and she had on just panties with poop and she sitting at chair. “I said no,” Cait frowned. Cait heard something that had nothing to do with outside. “You pooed! You make me sick. You stand there in front of the bathroom! Why did you poo in front of the bathroom?” The voice wasn’t Daddy. It was Mommy? “Aoibhe had to go. I… I let her go.” “You’re fourteen. That’s a cop out. Of course you should let her go first. That’s no reason to poo your panties. You sit there until your Dad gets home. I swear, if we didn’t need you this summer, you’d be out on your ear at cousin Seans, so he could teach you right from wrong!” Cait turned her face. “Stop it! Stop it! That’s a lie. It’s a lie!” “What’s a lie. You found out Mama said you did it on purpose in the last letter. How would it be on purpose for you, and not for Grainne? Why wouldn’t she be more mad at Grainne doing it?” “Stop it,” Cait started to feel her chest tighten, her eyes burned, and she hiccupped… Then the feeling got too strong and she started to cry. “Wh-hi-hi you cr-yi-yi?” Summerstone seemed to ask out of nowhere. “The gh-host li-yi-yis alwahayhays.” Cait rubbed her eyes, but was suddenly being lifted into the air. She knew who it was. Daddy loved picking her up all the time and Grandma can’t do it. “Did you tell Grainne that Billy is coming with us on the trip for her birthday?” Daddy asked. Cait looked into his kind eyes, and she smiled. “Not yet. I just told her that Billy is nice and he wouldn’t tell Daddy on her… I mean the other daddy. I said he’ll tell Grandma though, so Grandma could help her. If he came. I lied. I didn’t tell her like I decided. I don’t want to scare her.” Daddy patted her butt. “Now.” “You remember what Grandma taught you a few weeks ago?” Daddy asked Cait. “What?” “About that you don’t have to say everything you know? It’s not lying to not say everything you know, unless you’re not telling is because you know something was wrong, and you just don’t want to get in trouble for it.” “Yeah. I Be membered! Grandma was missing the dead boy, and I noticed and I told her that I knew, and she teached me how to be kind and know when to say stuff.” “Like I always tell you I’m not mad about you saying certain words your dad says that you repeat, but ask you not to say it at certain places like church?” “You mean like fuck?” Yes, Cait, like that word. You understand it doesn’t have a place in God’s house even if you are really mad at someone?” “Yeah?” “Well, it shows you are learning about when to use your words and when to use your silence, that you didn’t say something you think Grainne isn’t ready for. I’m just trying to show you… it’s all inter-connected. It’s all the same message, Cait. You choose when to say what, and you choose to keep quiet about certain expressions until it’s time. That’s how you learn to be decent.” “Okay. I think I pooted my pants again.” Daddy kissed her ear. “And that’s okay, sweetheart. That’s when you tell the truth, so we can help you. It’s always okay to say you pooted even at church, so we know you need help. I’m not God. I can’t tell what you don’t say unless I’m holding you.” Chapter 87 The Spell for Cait As Cait sat in Daddy’s lap, starting at the third chapter’s title, Daddy helping her read it, she looked up at him. “The Gap” sounds so small, and then when you look what it says, it a big big half-wide-mile can-you-on, she wondered if the questions she had for Grainne were like that? She wondered if her sores for Grainne are bigger than she be membered them. “Daddy? This Peers man? He writes a lot of things have two meets-ings, right?” “He does, Cait. What’s on your mind?” “Well, it says Gap, then it says Casima, then it says Can-you-on? It’s like… it makes it seem small when he going there, but when he there, it so big! It so dangered, too. Do you think that like real life thinks, like… sometimes, he tells you that something small not always small?” “That’s interesting, Cait. He could have been thinking that. When I read this a long while ago, I had missed that one, but that makes sense with how he writes.” “What if I am Chameleon?” Cait asked Sean. “What do you mean?” “I little pee pee girl that gets sisters in trouble on farm is stage one of innocent pretty Wynn? Then I start learning my trouble is bad but it doesn’t my fault like Dee, and then I want to help Sisters, but it’s more hard than I thinked and in the end, Grainne is Bink, who has to decide if knowing the truth is good for her?” Sean shrugged. “Well, I don’t know that the author meant for us to get as literal to put ourselves in the story, but it sounds like if he did mean for us, too, I don’t know any better way than how you describe it.” Cait cuddled against Sean’s chest. “I’m ready to read more.” As they read the fourth chapter, Cait felt like she was flying at first. “Wait Daddy. Let’s fly around that writing for a minute. Let’s just think how it might looked like more than the words said.” Daddy nodded and he pushed the rule up a few lines so they could reread them, and then Cait flicked on the light to the biggafinder glass. She had a new one, a recent present from Grandma when they were out shopping a little earlier that day after the park. “This will be YOUR glass,” Grandma told Cait. “When you feel like you need Grandma to be near, you can use Grandma’s sometimes, but sometimes, Grandma needs it, too, so we got you your own.” Cait had squealed, so now, she had her pink handled one with letters to her name carefully printed on the handle by Grandma. “There was a …,” and Cait looked up at Daddy. That was just too hard to look at all at once. On cue, Sean got the two small pieces of pink paper, and put one on each side and started to break the word apart. -Pen-in—penin-su-la—penin--sula--peninsula! “Penin-nensula!” Cait clapped as she read it by herself… well, with paper help, but Daddy didn’t even say the word parts for her. The Isle of Illusion was very spooky at first as Cait and Daddy navigated the text, and bringing each detail to light, until finally, Isis, this queen of sorts, became the vision that Cait then thought about Eiboline. A long time ago, there was this little pee pee pants girl who sat in the car, knowing her panties were wet, and they were sending her to this queen, this person so important, it was shamed to be peed her pants, but Cait did. And then the queen helped her out of the car, but Cait is thinking. She’s going to pull my skirt up. She’s ready to tell me my punishment, but no, Isis just brushed her hair back behind her ears in one swoop of two hands, and then she said… follow me in and sit in my chairs, like wetting on them didn’t bother her, and that was Grandma Eiboline! Eiboline was Queen Isis! Cait’s day dream made her realize she didn’t hear part of the story. “Sorry, Daddy. My brain stopped the story where we found out about Isis not being as harsh as she looks and she is said to be from before her meets her. It was just my brain thinked how Daddy said Grandma will make me stop peeing my pants, and the first time I got out the car, and she didn’t even check if I peed. She told me sit at her table, and I had on wet panties!” “Now,” Sean smiled. “You think I haven’t done that with even television at times? It’s human to get lost in a thought if it’s important enough to you. You go ahead and process the reading at your speed. That’s why we read at home, Cait, so you can think about things a little more carefully, and live them if it helps. This isn’t school where the teacher is pressured to do the reading in a certain amount of time.” “Okay.” “We have to go the library tomorrow.” “We not even halfway in the book,” Cait frowned. “We can take it out again, if we go in and renew a request to read it.” “We can?” “Yeah. You got library books from your school didn’t you?” “No? Daddy said if I took any books at the school library, he better not know, or I’ll get it. I too stupid to tell time, so he doesn’t trust me to turn it on the right day, too. So I never take a book from school library.” Daddy’s ears went red and he muttered. I maybe heard the word creep or something. “Well, at a public library, it’s your parents’ job to remind you to keep your books so they don’t get lost, and school library books are your teacher’s job to remind you until you get used to it, and if you bring it home, then your Grandma and I will help you to keep track of it.” “Okay. But Daddy is too afraid that I peed on the book. I sometimes pee on my school papers on accident when I gotta pee badly and forget where my bag is went, and it get in the pee floor puddles.” “That’s a dumb thing to be worried about. If he had taken care of your health like he should have way back in second grade, you probably wouldn’t even be peeing your pants, little lady. The fact he didn’t has caused it to grow into something bigger and something will take a lot more work and a lot longer to work out, but your Grandma and I are here for you, love.” “I know.” “Do I gotta go to school this year?” “Yeah, Cait, you do,” Daddy frowned. “I know it’s not gonna be easy not knowing anyone, and with your difficulties, but you have something this year you didn’t last year.” “Yeah?” “You have a Ruth at your school that doesn’t mind you peed your pants. And you have your Grandma and me, that if the school doesn’t call us if you have poopy panties, the school is going to get an ear full of our feelings. We want to know and to be there to comfort you when it’s that bad.” “Yeah. Assept the school will all know if I go nurse office. I don’t go.” “Honey, you need to get your pants changed if you pee in them, hon?” “I get changed, at home with Daddy. Not at school. I don’t want to pee at school. I stay my seat so no one sees if it happened.” Sean frowned. “Here, we still have a little more to read, Cait. Then we can finish this chapter and put you to bed okay?” Cait smiled. “I reading good.” “Yes, you are, little lady.” Chapter 88 New Not New Cait was walking down a hallway. The floor shined like it was new, the walls were white and clean, the lights were bright. She felt alone. There was a room with a brown soft carpet that seemed as if it was just put in. It was soft and smelled like something she couldn’t really compare. There was a long shelf with doors in the room behind it. The doors she came through were glass. “I’m Cait,” she whispered at the counter and looked towards the three doors behind the counter. There were words on the doors, but they were using letters she didn’t understand. Those were not the ABCs letters. They looked scary. Cait walked out of the office and down the shiny floor halls again and she came to a room. It was a room number? But only the numbers were not 0,1, 2, 3…. It was a strange symbol. It was like she didn’t know what the ABCs or the 1,2,3s were again, only she did, and she didn’t think these were those. They were different. Cait walked into a dimmed room. The halls were brighter. There were rows and rows and rows of desks. There were chairs after chairs after chairs of desks in each row. This was impossible. It didn’t look like the normal class size. She knew her desk was at the back. She kept walking and walking and walking…. She felt her bladder tingle as she walked through the seat after seat of maybe the twelfth row from the door, so many more rows to go even at that. “You’re going to do it,” she heard a whisper, but she didn’t see the ghost. Cait’s wails were heard shredding through the walls of the Kinsella house at three in the morning as the child sat up, pee still pouring out of her body in uncontrollable spurts. Her face was hot and she was shaking as she continued to squirt her mess into the bed, soaking her pants and the bedsheets. Her throat was raw! Her fingernails pressed hard into her hands, making it poke so hard it was like nails trying to bite into her skin. The room seemed like it was shaking, but it wasn’t the room. That was noticed when she was airborne for a moment, and then sat in Sean’s lap, Sean sitting on her soaked bedding. “Cait…” his voice started out as far as the back of this enormous classroom, but it repeated and got stronger until the classroom just-a-dis-pearred and she was now in his lap, peeing on him. How many times did he call into the echoes of her dream? But he wasn’t mad. He was rocking her and saying “Now.” every few minutes. Cait’s bladder stopped pushing. Her eyes opened. Sean was staring down at her face. “We’re here, Cait.” Eiboline went straight to the dresser to get her another pair of pajamas while Sean held the crying child. She was shivering. Her body shook all over and her eyes blurred up at Sean, while she tried to scoot more comfortably into his embrace. Her breathing eventually slowed, and her throat hurt less. She started to become aware of her wetness as Eiboline brought over clean pajamas. The light in the room was a lot more seeable in than the overpowering light in her dream. Cait reached out her hands and Eiboline started to hand her the clothes, but she reached past the clothes to Grandma’s arms. “I just stupid. You wasting time trying to fix stupid. Everyone knows it. The teachers know it. The other kids—mostly—know it. The doctors in Mysery knows it. Everyone knows it. Why you trying to make me be good when I too stupid to be good?” The Kinsellas sighed and Sean let Cait off his lap so he could stand up, and then he picked her up and he brought the child down to the living room. “Get us a clock from a wall, Eiboline. And get me her letters we have to send tomorrow.” “Are you sure, Sean?” Sean nodded. “Her ghost woke up again. It’s telling her stuff, but the letters she wrote by herself… I think I need to see if I can read it. The clock… I think I need her to explain her time to me again. If she can see that she is capable, at least for now, then maybe she’s stop worrying enough to sleep.” “What about her wet pants?” “After we talk about her letters and her book some,” Sean told Eiboline. “She’s not going to listen to us about changing her pants or getting anymore sleep without this. I can see it in her eyes.” Cait was sat down in their reading chair with Sean now in front of her on the floor in front of her. “Do you remember how scared of books you were?” Cait looked down. “I still don’t like em.” “But, do you want me put this one back in the library tomorrow and stop taking you?” “No?” “Why not, Cait?” “Becuz. Cuz. I like it.” “Do you know why you like it?” Cait shrugged. “Because you ARE reading it, Cait. It takes you a minute on some words, but you know what? Some of those words, it took a minute the first time I read it, too.” Cait frowned. “Yeah?” “Piers Anthony has a very different way of seeing the world, and that’s why he writes the way he does. You may not read every word the way others around you do, but you get his meaning. You made your own Comparisons. You called Eiboline the Illusionist queen, not me. You called yourself Chameleon, not me. You talked about the gap getting bigger to reference a problem getting more real, not me. You understand Piers Anthony, and I’ll tell you, a lot of kids much older than you, struggle with his lessons as everyday lessons. They only read it as magic, not as something that means anything.” Cait listened, and scooted in the chair. “Yeah?” “And Cait, you tell me again, how it is you are reading now, and you didn’t read before?” “Um… Auntie… I mean Grandma… she… she gave me a ruler and a biggafier, and the words don’t squish in on the other words no more.” “Did your other teachers teach you anything put putting a finger under a word?” “No? But other kids….” “You are not other kids, Cait. You are special, and you are very smart.” He shifted to the clock that was now sitting next to the chair. Grandma was stirring in the kitchen with something. He held it up. “Cait? If I ask you what hour we are closer to, what would you say?” “Four?” “Why?” “The big hand is already past the six, but even it six, well six is the middle of like six plus and add six, and twelve, so it past, so that means more than six past and less than six before, so we closer to the next hour and next hour is four.” “You know other kids think just like that. They call the numbers different, and they have the words to make it sound shorter, but the explanation is the same. We are over halfway past the last hour. That’s all you are saying.” “Okay.” “But you did something no one else had to do. You read the clock so you understand when the next hour is coming. You read the clock and though for you forty minutes is more than three hours…. If someone told you it is just 8 numbers past the hour, you and your classmates would have the same passing of time. You invented a way for your body to measure time because no one taught you.” Cait nodded. “Because I’m too stupid to….” but she stopped looking at Sean’s sad face. “Those people that didn’t check that you get it? They are the stupid ones. Your way of reading the clock is simplified and makes more sense. The way you read it, would have babies reading time before they are three years old. Your way is smarter, Cait. It’s just not used. People don’t always use the smartest way. We make it harder, almost like we want to know something someone else doesn’t, but you don’t work that way. You know that working together and knowing the same stuff is more useful.” Cait looked down. “Yeah?” “Let me see your letter. I’m going to read it to you. Let’s see how close I can read it?” “Why?” “Because these are your word making rules. And if I can understand and read what you write, then it shows, your spelling isn’t wrong. It’s just English decided we would use the harder version, but if you had invented writing, it would be just as smart, and maybe easier for kids to read.” Cait frowned. “You can’t read it.” “You didn’t let me try, yet, Cait. Just listen.” Cait’s eyes were looking, studying his eyes as he glanced from word to word and up at my face, and then he got a smile. Cait felt a strange spooky bubble go up from her stomach, past her heart, and out her mouth as he read her first thoughts. He was reading it! “You can read my letter?” Cait looked into his eyes, hers in tears. “Daddy always says what is this jibber jubby trash? But you read it?” “That shows who the smart one is, Cait, and it’s not me. You said Grainne can read your letters, can’t she?” “She can.” “If Eiboline reads the next throught. Eiboline bring your ruler and your magnifier. You may need the papers, to break the works… or actually put some of them together. But I bet you can read this.” Cait shook in the chair. Eiboline had been busy getting her some hot chocolate, so she put that on the table, and then she looked where Sean pointed. She struggled more than he did, but she read it. “You both read my letter!” “So Grainne can read your letter. We can read your letter. You know what you wrote… so if your dad can’t?” Cait frowned. “Um… but he’s smart.” “Smart in some ways, Cait. But if we all lived in a world where your simpler child friendly spelling made sense, he would be struggling worse than you. You are learning our rules. Watch this….” He pulled up the book, put Cait back in his lap, and then he had her start reading the next chapter to him, only helping her on the words that had quiet letters. Chapter 89 You Can, Cait The rest of the chapter went by warm and slow. Cait read two whole pages almost by herself, and only needed the papers for one word that had a quiet letter hiding in it. When Sean closed the book, she didn't want him to. "One more page?" "Not tonight, pet. It will keep. That's the nice thing about a book. It waits for you." "But what if I forget how it was?" "Then we reread it. Reading it twice isn't losing, Cait. It's just visiting twice." Eiboline came in with a warm cloth and took off her wet pajamas right there, quick and kind, and Cait peed a little more while it happened and nobody said anything about it at all. "Grandma? Why come you and Daddy aren't tired? It was a night night time." "Because we're big, sweetheart. Big people wake up all the way when a little one cries." "Is that a grown-up rule?" "It's a grown-up want," Eiboline said, tucking the blanket up. "There's a difference. A rule says you have to. A love makes you want to." Cait didn’t wake up for a while and when she realize the sun was up and birds were chirping, she had known that it was long past time to feed Summerstone. She walked down to the kitchen in her wet pajamas again and hugged Grandma. “I peed in the bed, Grandma.” “That’s okay, little Pet,” Grandma hugged her. Cait saw the time was little hand 10 and big hand 3. “Did I miss library time?” Cait asked. “No, sweetheart. You didn’t. We don’t go to the library until the afternoon, remember?” “Oh, yeah.” Cait now weared some of Ron’s old jeans and a blouse she picked that was new from Grandma and Daddy-Sean. She had wet hair and a big smile at the world. She still woke up for the library trip, and even she sleeped past time, Grandma still yet let her eat and not made mad at her. After Cait had breakfast at eleven thirty, the big hand on the six, and on the twelve still being the easiest for her to communicate, Grandma took Cait out to get Daddy in the back with the animals, who waved. Just as the big hand hit the eleven, they were opening the front door, but Cait saw a boy with his legs shaking and his mouth tight. His hand was stopped in the mid-air, like a statue, his fist aimed like a knock at the door, his knuckles about to tap where now Daddy stood in front him, on Daddy’s chest. “Oh, sorry,” he whispered. The front of his pants were darkening and pee started to puddle at his feet. His shoes looked a little dirty and like they were tearing a little. Cait saw a little creature dart down below what must have been a rise on the other side of the road, so fast, she didn’t know what it was. It was red-brown, maybe. “What brings you to our door?” Daddy didn’t even look at Shane’s pants while he continued to pee them. Cait breathed excitedly from behind Daddy. “Oh, well, if you are going out… It’s just… yeah, I’ll go home.” “Not like that, young man,” Sean frowned looking around for someone or something. “You’re not dressed like a farmer boy, son.” Cait didn’t see a car or a bike or even anything like a horse he could get to their house, and she knew their next door person was far away, too far to want to walk. “I’m… not,” Shane’s face was red. “It’s just… in our group… um… Cait?” Cait pushed in front and reached for Shane’s hand. “He’s my big peer from the group, Daddy! He gets scared and pees his pants sometimes.” Shane’s face got really red. “Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t meet that you get scared. You allowed to pee pee pants here. Daddy and Grandma say it just salt water.” Sean put a hand on Cait’s shoulder with his usual “Now.” Grandma finally made it over and she shook her head. “Sean, you let that poor boy in this house right now, keeping in at the door like that! Poor kid!” Daddy stepped aside and blushed himself. “I wasn’t trying to be mean,” Daddy told Shane. “I was just surprised. No one’s come to visit Cait yet, and we’ve only introduced her to your group last week, and besides that, she didn’t have a good experience with the library kids, and she has friends at church, but her best friends meet her at the park on Mondays.” Shane nodded. “Well, it’s probably strange I’m this old and calling on an elementary school kid, huh? But the truth is… she’s my only friend, too.” Cait hugged him. “Cait, wait… I peed….” “I don’t care,” Cait wrapped her hands around him. “Well, if you are here to see Cait, you can come to the library with us if you want,” Grandma told him. “But before you decide that, you need some clean pants. Sean? Can you see what you have that maybe gotten small on you?” Cait looked up at Grandma. “I can look at my stuff.” “He won’t fit in your stuff, hon. I’m sorry.” Daddy came down. “We can probably pin it until it fits?” “He don’t have no underwears,” Cait frowned. Daddy and Grandma looked at each other as if trying to figure it out. “I… I shouldn’t wear your clothes, anyway. I can just go as I am.” “Nonsense, son,” Daddy put a hand on his shoulder. “No one your age wants everyone to see you had an accident. It won’t hurt us to let you wear something. We just need to get some underpants on you. You’d swim in mine, and Cait’s would be way too tight for you.” “Well,” Grandma sighed. “I have those clean panties I bought the other day. They are clean, and with some pins, they will fit better than yours.” “I’m… not a girl,” Shane frowned. Cait pulled down her pants revealing her boy panties. “I’m not a boy. I like these those.” “Oh,” Shane frowned. “It’s just underwear,” Daddy told Shane. “God didn’t invent them, so God doesn’t see anything wrong with you wearing something dry, and you will wear my jeans over them, so no one will even have any business knowing you have those on, right?” “Yeah,” Shane was still looking at the ground shaking. “We can wash your stuff, and when we come back, put it dry, and then you can wear your own back home, and no one even knows you peed then. Please? I want you to come with us to the library and talk me… if it help us be friends?” A little red fox slipped off to his den, and he stood up and walking to his phone dialed a gray fox. “I saw the boy. He didn’t make it. He’s peed his pants, but the place he went to isn’t throwing him out. I think he’s safe there.” “Look, I’m sorry, Shane. We could call your mom and ….” “No. Please. I… I’ll… if it’s really okay and no one will see… but I can’t promise I won’t pee in them… I’ll… I’ll wear panties just this once.” Cait frowned. He looked nervous. “Do your Daddy and Mommy hit you when you pee your pants?” “No,” Shane sighed. “It’s not that. It’s really not. I promise. You will see if you are making me wear panties, but they don’t hit at all. It’s just…. They are talking to someone right… well, mom was talking about me to someone on the phone. I hear it in her voice. She hates that her oldest kid pees his pants all the time.” Cait frowned. “I getted hitted in Mysery Daddy if I move when I peeing. Don’t make the mess more than you start it standing stop, but Daddy-Sean… really my mom cousin, he said it just water, and I am allow to go baffroom if I want.” Shane smiled. “Mysery has me sister is big like you aged, and Daddy hits her if she does it in her pants, though.” Shane frowned. “Mine doesn’t. See?” He pulled up his shirt and pulled down his pants. Cait put her hands over her eyes. “You don’t prove nothing your friends,” Cait said through her fingers so she still saw, but tried not to look. His panties, once white, didn’t have any place that wasn’t yellow, a lot of it orange. “Sean, take him up to get a shower. We can let him put the panties on himself and then he can come and let me pin them so they fit, then we’ll get your pants to fit.” Cait frowned. “Do his parents really not hit if he pees?” one Fox asked the other. “No, they don’t hit. They are getting tired though. They can’t find the physical problem though, and they don’t seem to hear what he says is the reason… or maybe they don’t understand that to be a reason.” “What do they say…?” Cait walked out to talk to Summerstone since they had to wait on Shane. “His hair was smelly like sweat, and he looked really tired. I didn’t see a car or a bike or nothing. I hoped he didn’t walk. But his shirt was wrinkled like it, and he shaking on feet even after he peed pants until he sit chair. He must walked. But why?” Summerstone’s one answer that he always gave? He sucked on my hair again. The family was finally pulling into the library parking lot just after 12:30, and Grandma went off to use the toilet, while Daddy went to renew Cait’s favorite book! Shane walked with Cait towards the picture books where Cait saw these big girls that were definitely Shane aged. “So, what do you think we should do for our next book club reading?” “I don’t know. Maybe we could look at Black Beauty. That’s supposed to be really good.” “Hey! Look who it is!” Cait looked up at them when they said that expecting to know them, but they were staring at Shane. “Wearing a diaper today?” One of the girls asked. “If you’re not, you better keep the books off the floor,” The other girl said. Cait saw Shane’s hands shaking. “Mr. Pissy pants…,” They whispered so loudly they were faking it was a secret trying to make people look at Shane. Cait felt her face heat up. “There goes two Fuckers!” The whole library turned to stare at the commotion, but Cait stared at the girls, and Shane looked down, and suddenly, it felt like the whole library thought those girls said the bad word. “It’s just those girls,” Shane frowned and put a hand on Cait’s shoulder. “Don’t let them get to you. They do this to everyone they think is beneath them. I mean, I do pee my pants sometimes, so I just gave them the weapon to shame me, but they pick on everyone. You best not say anything more. Even if you are right, big kids are not always nice to little kids righting wrongs.” “I’m in a library with people watching though,” Cait frowned. “If they do something now, people will get mad them for picking on a little kid. If my Daddy catches them… he doesn’t hit, but he will get them throwed out the library.” “I don’t doubt that, but I still wouldn’t push it with big kids. You never know when or how they might target you.” “You know how they do that?” “Only too well, Cait. Let’s go over there. They wouldn’t dare follow us there. It’s supposed to be too babyish for them.” Shane’s finger pointed at a space for reading, but it was… well, like it was a playground for books. Fun places to sit like yellow squishing chairs (bean-bags), tummy mats (toddler and young children mats to lie on), and little tables that had busy things on them that little hands could play with while they were read to. When Cait and Shane were looking at a picture book that Shane picked out for her, she got in his lap and looked up at him. “Just because you pee not a good reason they said bad things you. I peed in the most bad place to pee at, but a whole bunch of fifed graders kids in Sunday School maked sure I private in the bathroom and my another friend and her brother helped me in the bathroom until Grandma changed my pants.” Shane frowned. “It’s worse when you are in middle school and do it.” “It is? Because I going into fifed Grade and I still feel I know it bad, but I just can’t do nothing to stop it.” “Well, if fifth grade, some kids who are mean notice, but most kids have their own things they worry about and most are too immature to think about it too much if someone that they don’t really think about does it. In middle school, you are on everyone’s mind even if they don’t really bully you if you don’t give them a reason to.” “Well, that’s not the way it sapposed to act.” “Yeah,” Shane scoffed. “Right is rarely done at schools.” Cait sighed and nodded. “I knowed that one right. Wait. What old are you? Are you in middle school?” “Yeah, I am,” Shane frowned. “It’s called Junior high here, though. But yeah, I will be in ninth grade next year.” “You are just one year before my sister. She going to tenth grade next year, and we called it junior high my Mysery town, too.” “You said your sister wets her pants sometimes?” “Not because her, exactly. Like not because the same like anybody our kids playgroup. She… has to help four sisters, but now only three, and Daddy really mad at her and he can hit other sisters, but only Grainne pees her pants, then he hits her because she oldest, so the little sister get forgotted to be hit.” “So, she’s doing it on purpose to protect her little sisters?” Shane’s voice raised high and his eyes narrowed strange. “Grainne always help if I peed the wrong place and ask a dentally maked it go bigger than the place I sapposed to, and She not only I peed, but if another sister spilled food or did something else that maked Dad mad that it spended money.” “She’s a hero!” Shane looked at Cait with his eyes big and his mouth thinned. His hands shaked. “How did you get out here, but your sister is still being punished like that?” “Grainne is big, and she only do it for help another sister, not just do it and not another trouble.” “You are lying,” an eerie known voice at her whispered. “Grainne pees her pants at school everyday. You caught her. You are going to ask her when she started pooping her pants!” Cait’s finger traced the string-strap that went between the Bear that bounced on her chest and the pin in her shirt pocket. Kooks stayed quiet for the moment. “You caught her peeing on the bus in fourth grade once,” Ghost whispered. “She peed her pants so I don’t get in trouble to peed the bus,” Cait argued back. “Only you peed after she peed. Liar.” There was no chomp. “Cait?” Shane jolted her with his knees to wake her out of her head. “What are you thinking?” “Oh, just about my sisters.” “You miss them, then.” “Yeah. I we are really important at each another. But what about you and your little brothers or sisters? Do you protect them?” “They don’t need it. They have mom and dad and no one really bothers them.” Cait frowned. “I always needed Grainne even before she went peed or pooped her pants for me.” The Ghost started to wag a finger when there was finally a Chomp and the ghost shrugged as it slowly just-a-dispeared thingy. Shane frowned at her and then he shrugged. “Well, I don’t think I can really protect them that well. If people connected us, they’d probably get a lot more problems.” Cait sighed. “I feel the same way with my littler sisters. I think I embarrassted Clo, too. She my bigger sister but littler than Grainne.” “How many sisters do you have?” Shane asked. “Four. Two big and two little. How many you?” “I have two brothers and a sister.” “Did you ever ask your brothers and sister about how they feel you?” Cait asked. Shane shrugged. “I’m a loser. I mean, they love me. They are nice to me. But they can’t trust me.” Cait frowned. “I trust my big sister, even if she did pee her pants once or twice and not protected someone.” “Yeah. But all the time?” “Yeah? I think I still think she is big sister even all the time.” “But you’re Cait. Not every nine year old goes around saying F plus ker.” “When I first stay Daddy Sean and Grandma, I said stupid at me, fucked, fucker, and bull-fuckin-shit, but the only thing Daddy-Sean ever said…?” “Yeah?” “Don’t say stupid and me… my own name, never, and he said he swat me next time, and you know what? He did. It didn’t hurt, but I got it. Don’t say stupid my name, but I can say fucker if I mad.” “That’s not normal.” Cait shrugged. “I don’t normal, so I like Daddy weird. It safe weird.” Sean called at me from across the play area for reading and Shane and I walked over to the table where Grandma took out my ruler and my biggafieder. Then Grandma started to get me to read to her in a different book, but I saw that Daddy had the second Xanth book with him, and he had the Spell for Chameleon, too. Yay! “Okay, Cait. Let’s see if we can finish this book before we leave today.” “Okay.” I loved the ruler and the biggafier. It really helped a lot, and then the two papers Grandma showed to split words for me… that was so much help, I could now read words like caterpillar, and I could read Castle and princess after I looked it a while. The clock hand moved a bunch and these kids comed in so I followed and a lady readed to us. I sitted in Shane’s lap while she readed to us. No one really said nothing it. The lady reading lots and suddenly someone said. “...peeing his pants” by me. I looked up and Shane’s face is red, and then his lap is shaked, and then it felt wet. I hugged him tight and turned to face him and held his shirt. I don’t letted him stand up, and he doesn’t tried. And I whispered pretend secret but I maked sure they hearded me. “I peed peeing my pants,” I whispered to Shane. He rubbed my back and whispered. “We can’t do anything about it right now. Just… listen to the story, okay?” Soon, the peeing sound of the floor stopped. I looked up. Shane was lookeding down me, but I wasn’t knowed what he thinks. The other people started to leave, and then the librarian lady girl, she was like the age of the biggest kids in our playgroup for Thursdays that I just started last week. “Hey, hon, are you in second grade?” She asked me. “No?” “Oh, well, I just meant to say, no one here cares if a little kid has an accident.” “I not little,” I told her. “I gotted a handiya. It means your guts not right and it makes you pee pants sometimes.” “Oh, well, that’s hard. I’m sorry, little one. How old are you?” “Am I kicked out for it if I not little enough.” “No, no, no, hon. I was just worried, actually.” “My brother holding me and my Daddy over there, so I okay.” “Oh, then don’t mind me. I’m just the volunteer story teller here, and I just don’t want a kid to feel trapped if something happens to her or him.” “I fifed grade, but my Daddy knows I pee and my brother holding me because I peed and he knowed I started to do it, and scared I want to listen story, so he let me his lap so I peed his lap.” “That’s a brave brother. It will look like he peed. You know that?” I looked down. “Sorry I peed you, Shane.” “Um… Cait?” I looked up at him with a wink. “You don’t have to hold me. I sorry I gotted your pants look like you peed.” “Little sisters, right?” the lady asked Shane. “We’ve been here all day,” Daddy and Grandma whispered. “I think we should take the kids and go on home.” “Cait kind of lied,” Shane said as the Kinsellas got into the car. “I… I peed. She… I didn’t feel anything go in her pants.” “I already know,” Grandma whispered. “I got worried when I heard the water falling and I saw who it was before Cait said she peed, and I saw her turn around.” “Oh, um….” “It’s okay,” Daddy told Shane. “Eiboline was just letting you know that we saw, and we don’t mind. But we can’t send you home hungry and in wet pants, can we?” “Eat? But you don’t have to… no… um… I didn’t come with you for….” “Hey. Don’t worry about it,” Grandma smiled. “Can we get something to eat first? I’m… nervous and when I’m nervous… I sometimes am not finished yet. I just don’t want to embarrass you in the store… if you are really going there.” “Bodies don’t embarrass us,” Daddy wrapped an arm around him like he was really Cait’s brother. “Don’t worry about a little water, son.”

Chapter 80 Grainne’s Second Letter While Cait was eating her brownie and drinking her milk after she had changed her wet boy panties and had to put on the pajama pants with a belt to keep her from scratching, Daddy showed a folded piece of one sided worksheet. It was another letter! Sister Cait, Daddy took us to a doctor on Wednesday, not Monday. He busy and plus Clo need help to get ready for corn planting. The doctor told daddy I just do it. I think he told daddy like the doctor said for you. So… I guess it’s my fault I pee my pants sometimes. Daddy gave Clo and me new rules. He made Roisin new rules, too. Roisin and me sleep together. He put your old mat on my bed. Daddy says it stops the pee ruining my box springs. Not sure what box springs is though. Daddy says you staying with our cousins until next Summer, not just December, now. Daddy said something that is going to be embarrassing in September. He’s going to tell my teachers that I pee. He says there is no reason to raise my hand in class. They will all know, so don’t waist class time and get stupid like Cait. You. I am sad. He said if Clo wants to pee in the field and I should be wet in the field because if I have your problem and this doctor doesn’t know what Kinsella’s doctor knows, then I will pee and poop my pants. So he will check and make sure I’m telling the truth. I have to poop my pants on purpose now. That’s gross. But it’s that or I’m lying. If we lie, he bought a new belt. How are you? Did you fix your poop? If you fix your poop, Daddy said he’s happy. Daddy says if you too… I’m not writing that word here… to stop peeing, he won’t be mad. He just wants you to stop pooping your pants right now. Sorry. Dad calls. I don’t want him to see this letter. Love-Love. Grainne. Cait frowned as Sean read it to her. “Daddy didn’t really change.” “Well, change can take a very long time when it comes to something that has been a habit for a long time. I wish we humans could correct our bad habits on a dime. Maybe you wouldn’t beat yourself up as much as you do, but like you need a while to process what happened to you, since he wasn’t hurt, it’s going to take him a lot longer than it would you to see what he’s done. I’m sorry, Pet.” Daddy kissed Cait’s ear. “It’s not right. It’s just what is, Cait.” His kiss sort of tickled in a rough sort of way since he had whiskers from not keeping his face clean shaving since the hospital stuff. Cait liked it, though. It meant he could kiss her even when he’s not perfect. And it meant, she was always safe even if his shaggy stuff felt a little strange on her face. “Did Mommy write about me at all?” Cait asked. Eiboline frowned and pulled out the letter. The letter, down at the bottom had a few lines. “How is Cait. Her sisters really miss her. I hope she stops peeing her pants soon, and she learns to respect herself more. She’s smarter than she acts. Don’t tell her though. Just tell her mommy loves her. And her sisters miss her….” and then the letter goes on to sign off with a promise to write again soon. “That’s mom,” Cait sighed. “She’s afraid of Daddy reading the mail, and she… she knows he’s right that a fifth grader can’t poop her pants.” “Now.” Sean sighed patting her leg. “Your mom is just tired, Cait. She can’t mean to sign off like that, and you weren’t supposed to read that yourself. But it’s important we show you that your mom is writing to you.” Chomp. “Kooks says that Mommy does think it though. I not supposed to read it. So, she telling you her real thinks.” Cait looked over at Front City. She felt her face getting read. Her stomach hurt, not like before, but in a new way. A raw way. A way she couldn’t even think she could feel again, but it was sickening and hurting and tight and it was something else. Something she had no word for. “I hate them,” Came out as a whisper. Daddy patted her lap. “Now.” Cait knew he was calming her down. She knew he loved her and didn’t like her getting too upset over things she can’t control. But she didn’t know if his now meant she didn’t mean that, or if his now meant that she can’t hate them, or if his now meant that she has a right to hate them, but maybe it means something else. Cait didn’t care what it meant. She just knew that Mama thinks she is faking. Mama said she’s smarter than she pretends. Mama is worse than Daddy? Daddy thinks she’s really stupid. Mama thinks she knows better but poops her pants anyway just for something? Attention? But if for attention, she she not giving it? She crawled against Daddy and started crying. “You’ve had one roller coaster of a couple of days, Cait,” Daddy rubbed her back. “How about you sleep with us tonight to safely process and relax your heart a bit?” Cait shook her head. “I’m ten. I’ll show Mama. I’m not bad. I’m not doing it for something. I don’t have to sleep in your bed like Aoibhe. I am a big girl.” But she still hugged Daddy and put her head on his chest for a little longer. When Eiboline nodded at the clock to let Daddy know it was time, he took her to her room. “Let me check, hon. Bathroom or bedroom? Are you wet, Cait?” “No, I not.” “Let’s put you on the toilet for a minute then and we’ll fix up your owie so it doesn’t itch in the night as much.” “Okay. Daddy? What will happen if I poop my pants even though they said it cured?” “It’s not cured, Cait. The main reason is cured, but that going away doesn’t take away the habits and the deep feeling of your body having had so little say for so long. You also have pee pee trouble from something else. I’m not saying it matters, but if you need to understand why it’s still an accident and not your choice, remember, you have to recover not only from sickness but from Trauma. Besides, the doctor said not to run. That means if poop is coming out… you still don’t run. Your stitches need to heal.” “Okay.” “And, Cait…?” “Yeah?” “You are allowed to poop your pants because you want to. It’s your body, sweetheart. No one here thinks you are stupid, and no one here things you just want attention when you poop your pants. There is a reason, but that reason isn’t something I’m going to guess. I’ll let you tell me when you are ready, sweetheart.” “Okay.” Daddy held her on the toilet keeping a hand on her shoulder while Grandma carefully fixed up her owies with three medicines again. No itching medicine, no lose natural water medicine, and protecting medicine so pee doesn’t eat skin, medicine. Cait smiled up at her big trusted people, and she whispered. “I love you.” Daddy helped her pull up her boy-shorts-panties and then fixed her pajamas, and he put the belt buckle part at he back of her pants instead the front. “That’s so a clever girl can’t somehow get it off in her sleep,” he kissed her ear again. “Daddy?” “Hmm?” “If you want to kiss Grandma who is really my Auntie who is really my cousin, maybe you can shave tomorrow. Your face feels funny with bear-hair on it.” Daddy chuckled. “Bear-hair, huh?” Cait nodded. “Yeah. Definitely Bear-hair. Dog hair and cat hair is soft and feels good. Bear scary, so it has to be Bear-hair. It Bear-hair because you scary when you fighting people that get in your way, but you don’t show scary when you play with your kids, like me.” “Well, maybe if I keep my bear-hair a little longer, maybe people will leave you alone and stop picking you for a while.” Cait shrugged. “I don’t think you need the hair to tell them, though. I think they just see it in your face and your eyes and….” Cait was slowly losing her voice until she just closed her eyes and sleep took over. Cait felt the darkness pressing in on her. There were sounds, strange sounds, sounds she couldn’t understand going on around her. Among the noise that she couldn’t filter out, she though she heard big kid noises. Was Shane there? She thought she heard him whispering Liam. They were talking about someone. Cait’s pants felt wet…. Or maybe they weren’t wet. She wasn’t sure. She felt at her pants with her hands, but still wasn’t sure. They felt heavy though like she was wet. Something smelled bad. Kids were still stalking. An ant peeked through the crack on the wall just under the window. Little bitty eyes saw a huge mountain, across the space, moving up and down. It seemed to roll in place. There was a small town of stationary block places laid out closer to the ant just to one side of the moving mountain. The places didn’t have any doors or windows. The town was still much larger than the ant. Cars looked like people suddenly parked them in the streets. They were not at their homes. They were not moving. The ant looked up, and the mountain pulled part of the ground up, but as it did, it exposed giant feet. The ant turned around and crawled back out of the room. “Nope!” The sounds of this mystifying place with Shane’s voice and Liam’s voice seemed to have other voices that were starting to fade into the background. Cait felt like poop was pushing into the back of her panties. She was wearing girl panties, not the safe boy ones. She was peeing and pooping them. She was in this dark space. ‘I guess it’s my fault…. I just do it….’ echoed in her ears, not in her own voice, but in the voice of Grainne. A tight knot caught in her throat as she felt her hand trying to go up, but it felt like something heavy was tied to her wrist, and it pulled at the floor, so her hand was shaking, but it could pull up. Poop was filling her panties again, except she started with clean panties again. ‘I just do it….’ A sudden bright light overhead put Cait in a room like she had seen on television. She had been in this room before. Dark judging shadows were around her last time. She had peed her pants. Only this time, she felt her pants with her hands. They were dry. But she felt the poop in her panties, twice, but now… no, they were clean. The ghost whispered in her ear. “I told you this would happen.” Did she pre-pee? She didn’t know. “You made your sisters break Daddy’s rules. Now, they are on trial, and it’s our fault.” Cait looked around the darkness. She could see shadows. She felt like the people in the darkness were more familiar, but not known. She shook as she looked forward. “I am your defense lawyer,” the ghost told her. “I am the only one that would do it. Everyone else is either mad at you, scared of getting in trouble, or are the ones that think you and your sisters deserve it.” “Deserve it? Deserve what?” The ghost whispered. “Shush. The judge!” Mama’s voice projected from the front of the room still hidden in the shadows. “Grainne!” A nervous girl stepped out of the shadows. A Grainne that was much smaller than Cait ever imagined her sister being, looked up at the judge. “You shit your pants in front of your mother, didn’t you?” “Yes… Mom… I mean, ma’am?” “That would be a terrible crime if that was all you did, but that’s not all is it?” Cait shook as she saw Grainne now walk in front of her towards the pulpit thing. The box springs? It was a large square box, and under the main part, there were these giant springs that caused it to be higher. The back of Grainne’s panties had poop in them. She was holding her butt, like she was scared of letting any of it come out of her panties. “You Pissed your pants in the fields when Cait left the farm, didn’t you?” “Yes Mom.” “Did your little sisters see you piss your pants?” “I… I don’t think they saw when it happened. How could they? They were in the house with Mama assept for Clo. She might know I peed.” “Might? Or does know? You will get a swat for every lie you tell, and if any poop comes out of your panties, you will get it worse.” A giant snake like creature rose up from behind her in that box spring place, and the belt buckle was like it’s head. I wrapped around the box spring place and seemed to how its belt buckle face at Grainne. She peed her pants again. “Now, did Clo see you pee your pants while you were working?” “Yes, mom. She saw me do it lots of times.” “Prospect-tator lawyer. You may start.” Dan walked in front of Grainne. “Be member the belt, Grainne—Not Be member the Oats.” That’s what Father said as he walked in front of Grainne. “Did someone in this court tell you to poop your pants?” Grainne shook her head. “Remember, you lie, and you get it with the belt, and if any poop leaks, you get it worse.” Grainne still shook her head though she looked right at Cait, her eyes filling with tears. “I told her to do it!” Cait stood up. “Cait!” The ghost’s voice was like ice water on her heart. “You’re going to get her in trouble! She’s older than you. She’s not supposed to listen to you! You are supposed to obey her! You ARE stupid!” Cait sat down. Grainne peed again. “Your head lied,” Dan looked into Grainne’s eyes. Now point out the person that told you to shit your pants.” Grainne shivered and a shaky finger rose from her side, but then it pointed not at Grainne, but at Dan. “You want the belt?” Dan asked her. Grainne’s finger, shaking, moved towards Cait, but it rested, not on Cait, but on Cait’s ghost. Cait felt a little pre-pee in her panties for sure this time. The ghost smiled. “The judge can’t really see me. Your sisters can’t see me, either. Grainne pointed near you, trying to point at you, but she doesn’t want to point at you. There is another thing she’s hiding.” “She pointed at you,” Cait frowned looking for Kooks. Kooks couldn’t be seen. “Cait told you something in the bathroom, the day she visited. Something private. Something she wanted you and Clo to start doing, didn’t she? Do you remember what she told you to do?” Grainne shook her head, but her eyes caught Cait’s eye, and Cait remembered exactly what the judge wants to hear her say. “The belt is waiting,” Dan told Grainne. “Or, maybe it should hit your little sister for pooping her pants?” “No. Cait told us to pee our pants outside. She said to please. Her… she… she knows something. I… I wanted to say we can’t. I’m the big sister, but Cait was right. It’s getting worse.” “Was Cait right?” Dan asked. “Or is it getting worse because you keep pissing your pants more and more. How many times did you piss your pants last year at school?” Cait looked down missing how many fingers Grainne held up. Grainne walked off the box springs box and the belt hit her three times. “You shook your head, a lie. You didn’t point at Cait, a lie. You didn’t tell the truth about something Cait missed… a lie. All your poop is still in your panties… that’s all. Go sit, and don’t you dare leak.” Cait shook. She sat up in bed breathing heavily. It was dark outside. The farm on the dresser was still there… only the little horse by itself had panties on it, and it had pooped in them. She shook her head. There were four little horse ponies on the dresser with pooped in panties. She shook her head again. She felt herself breathing heavily. Her eyes were being closed against her will. She was being pulled back into darkness. The imagery of an unknown place. Shane’s voice was in the void again. He was whispering but with who? Cait didn’t know. “The second elder of the Weimers peed in class today.” “That’s why Cait does it,” Shane’s voice said. “Cait learned to do it from her sisters….” The voices faded. Cait was thrown back in the spot lit room. The giant springs holding up the trial box. Clodagh was sitting in it this time. She glared at Cait with a frown. Her panties were sagging and soaked. She had peed her bed. “Did you pee your pants in the field?” Dan asked Clo. “Yeah?” “Who told you to pee your pants?” “Grainne.” “Does Grainne always tell you to do that?” “No.” “When was the first time she told you to.” “Monday. We were getting ready for the corn. I had to go. Grainne said I was slowing us down with my… trying not to pee. She said Cait knows something. Just do it. Daddy promised not to hit if we just pee our pants in the field. I peed.” “Did you like peeing your pants in the field.” “I don’t know.” “The belt is watching.” “Kind of. It was easier to do the work after I peed. It was scary but then, it was just wet. I was okay. But until Aoibhe asked why I peed. Then I felt scared again.” “Who is Aoibhe?” “My baby sister.” “Does she potty her pants?” “I… I don’t want to say. There’s a rule. You can’t make me say it.” “You never pissed your pants before Cait told your big sister to make you?” “Not… Not on purpose. I did. It was always when we working in the field though. It started this summer. Not before. I promise.” “Good.” Ghost whispered to Cait. “They call Roisin next. But she doesn’t have to be looked bad at. You can save your little sisters.” “How.” “How else? Doing what you know is coming. Wake up with fully pooped in panties and wet the bed once before, and once as they check you. You follow the rules, and Clo doesn’t even get in trouble because she’s only admitted to peeing in the field right now, and because big sister told her to. The only sister in some trouble right now, is Grainne, just like I told you would happen at the Library last week. So….” “I’ll do it. I’ll poop my pants in this bed.” The darkness fearful room started to fade. Chapter 81 The Grace Given Costs As Cait’s eyes opened, she heard the sounds of morning from her window. Birds were chirping. The light was peeking into her window making a single line of ray that hit her bed just below her waist. The dresser was restored to its rightful place, the long horse looked happy. Bedroom town looked happy. Cait sighed. “If you don’t poop, your baby sister poops her pants in church today, and then what Clo wasn’t going to say, comes true….” Cait felt around for Kooks. Chomp. “I don’t think that was a chomp, Kooks. Grainne’s letter said that she really did pee in the house and got in trouble. Daddy changed her rules and he’s going to tell her teachers in September that she just does it, so ignore her if she raises her hand. She’s gonna pee her pants all school year, and she’s going to be fifteen! That’s not a chomp, Kooks.” Kooks just stared at me, its eyes not alive. It was like the bear was confused or something. I started to push on my tummy until I started pooping my pants. It was coming out easier than I though, and it wasn’t runs. It was just real poop, but it was easy and it didn’t hurt. I sighed and laid back. That was part one. “You fully went in your pants,” Ghost whispered in the room though didn’t show herself. “Yeah?” “Did you choose to poop yours… protecting your sister, or did I make you… meaning you didn’t do it for me… meaning… your sister isn’t protected?” “I did it.” “Good. Now, you won’t be able to fully pee in the bed because you already went.” Cait frowned. “So?” “So, you still owe me a full wetting with witnesses.” “With witnesses?” “Or...Aoibhe can do it.” “No. I do it.” “You believe me, now, that I can make it harder for Grainne, and still have three other girls I can affected at home?” “Yeah.” “Where do you suppose the most people might see you pee today?” “Church?” “In your seat, I suppose, partially hidden with only Ruth and her family and your family around you?” Cait sighed. “No? What do you….” “Cait, don’t….” Kooks tried to say something, but Cait was already listening to the ghost. “You need to agree to pee where the most people will see exactly what you are doing.” “Sunday School,” Cait’s voice and face fell. “And if you pee before then… even a little bit in your panties… I will have Roisin pee her pants at church today.” “Please. I can do it.” The ghost stop responding. “Cait. The Ghost can’t do that.” “Kooks? Explain how Daddy is going to be sending Grainne to school this September and tell all of her teachers that she pees her pants. You can’t. You saw the letter. The Ghost can do it.” Kooks sighed. Kookaberry whispered in Cait’s ear. “Talk to the Kinsella. Just tell them you want to pee your pants on purpose at church. Tell them you have to. Don’t tell them why. Don’t blame the ghost. Just tell them you want to. The ghost didn’t tell you that you couldn’t ask them to let you pee your pants in Sunday School.” “What if they don’t let me go to Sunday School though because of it?” “Then tell him as you are already leaving with Ruth and her brother. Just tall him and run off.” “Why?” “Because. He can’t help you if he doesn’t know. If you tell him you want to pee your pants at church… he can figure out something is wrong without making your Father at home punish a sister.” “Are you sure?” “Did the Ghost punish your sister because the Insurance was forced to take you? Did it punish a sister because you got surgery? No. Cait, the Ghost can only control one thing. It can only whisper to Dan, right? But if you are doing what Mom already thinks… planning to potty your pants at church, and getting people to look at you so Dan thinks you will stop pooping your pants, then Ghost can’t do nothing about that.” “Are you sure?” “I know the Ghost doesn’t have any power around the real truth. I’ve cut it off when it tries to lie. The only reason I couldn’t chomp what the Ghost was doing, was that it was true. Your Dad blamed her for listening to you. He heard you tell them to wet in the field and begged him to give them permission. He told you that same day, he wouldn’t punish them… for peeing in the field. Your Grainne’s letter said he didn’t hit them for the field. They just both have to do it all the time. But no hitting.” “Yeah. Daddy promised not to hit. The letter said he’ll hit if Grainne doesn’t poop her pants though and Clo doesn’t pee.” “Clo will pee. That’s too long not to pee, Cait. The only problem is Grainne. But you couldn’t predict that one because you didn’t know she was pooping her pants sometimes.” Cait sighed. “She wasn’t.” “Yes, she was. That’s why Daddy agreed to take her to see the doctor and really took her even if he was late. And Roisin really pees her pants. That’s why she went to see a doctor.” “Yeah?” “Just tell Sean you want to pee in Sunday School, and then run off. Then if you do it, he has something to think about. He will figure it out.” “Okay. Maybe….” Kooks chomped at the air, but the ghost wasn’t there. Maybe he was proving to Cait that the ghost wasn’t, or maybe he was proving to Cait that his plan wasn’t something the Ghost could do anything about. Whatever he was proving, there was no Ghost answer, and Cait picked Kooks up, pulled the soiled sheet of her bed, one thumb in mouth as she dragged the shameful sheet behind her, and she knocked at the bedroom door. “Is that you, Cait?” Daddy asked. Cait just hugged Kooks, sucked her thumb, and kept her other hand around the grasp of the sheet that tailed behind her. She was going to show Daddy what she did. The Ghost didn’t say she couldn’t. Likely, the Ghost though she was going to stay in bed until they got her up and see the mess. But Cait saw no reason to do that. The Ghost didn’t say to stay put. It just said to poop her pants in bed, and she did it. “Cait, baby? Open the door. Come and get Daddy, hon.” Cait slowly opened the door. She walked in and turned the light on making sure they would wake up and see her. She looked down at her clothes. She sniffled. “I pooped my pants on purpose. I wanted to poop my pants. But it feels gross.” Sean and Eiboline exchanged looks that were not angry at all. They looked like… it was like… Poor little one! Cait’s heart felt like it was being squeezed. She did do it on purpose, and now they were acting like she couldn’t help it. It hurt her heart that they were now getting out of bed and Daddy was walking over and taking her dirty sheet from her. He squatted down. “Now.” “Not now!” Cait whispered. “Didn’t you hear? I pooped my pants, and I did it cause I wanted to.” Sean picked her up, her fully loaded put sitting on his arm, and he tilted her chin to see him. “The doctor said not to run. You had a belt around you pajamas, and a trick one at that, and it was fastened in back to keep your pants out of your pants. That also trapped you. Even if you wanted to sit on the toilet, you still would have done it in your pants, baby.” “But I wanted to.” “Yes, Cait. You wanted to. We talked about this last night. Don’t you remember that we said you had your cause that started it cured, but not the trouble itself cured?” “What that meets?” “It means, Cait, that you did poop your pants… and on purpose… and it still wasn’t your fault. If you really wanted to do it, you wouldn’t be this upset by it, child. You are scared of something. And Daddy doesn’t think it’s a good idea right now to make you tell me what scared you. What I do know, is you wearing messy stuff on your skin is not good for it, so we are going to change you, and later, you are going to poop your pants again, and we will do this again and again until you learn that it really is okay to poop your pants. When you learn that, you will have power to stop and the power to tell me why you keep doing it if you want to stop but can’t.” “Okay.” Eiboline walked over and pried the sheets from her hands. “No, Cait. You don’t clean the sheet today,” she told her. “Not today. You don’t get to feel punished for something you can’t help, and though I’ve been telling you that cleaning up after yourself is not punishment, you did something this time you haven’t done yet. You went in the bed on purpose, and you’re scared. I’m not punishing you for being scared and I’m not not letting you see anything like that. Grandma cleans the sheet today.” Cait nodded tears in her eyes. “Did you feel something dark inside telling you to potty your pants?” Grandma asked. “Can you see the Ghost?” “No. But if it was a Ghost that told you to potty your pants, that’s not a normal Ghost.” “I know. Real Ghosts are just mifolojy. They not real. But this Ghost. It real. It not a dead person or something from a different place. It from our farm.” Grandma nodded. “Yes, hon. It is. And that’s why Daddy and Grandma can’t see it. We’re not from your other farm. All we can see, is what it does to you.” “I’m not just being cree ah tiff. I promise. It bad to lie. I really think there is this girl that standing right there, sometimes, her finger in her mouth. She wearing wet dress from peeing herself. She looking at me like I made her do it. And she telling me what will Daddy do if I don’t do something. And I… I had to poop my pants—on purpose. I had to, or Aoibhe, the only one that hasn’t wet potty her pants yet last year, she would have to do it—maybe at church today.” Sean and Eiboline looked at one another. Cait frowned. “I promise I didn’t cree a tiff it.” “We know,” Daddy frowned. “That’s why we are worried, hon. This is too real for you. It’s scaring us. We know you are trying so hard, and you are such a brave little one. Cait, when you were scared of the diaper, of being a baby…, What was scary about being a baby?” Cait looked into his eyes. “I’m not.” “I’m not saying you are a baby. I’m asking you what is so scary about being a baby?” Cait Shrugged. “I don’t know.” Sean took Cait to the bathroom while Eiboline took her dirty sheet down stairs to wash it. In the bathroom, Sean carefully took her shirt and then her pajama bottoms off. She was a real mess. He patted her back. “Big girl,” he cooed at her while she stood there naked, her poopy panties and pajama bottoms on the floor. “Sit on the toilet for a minute, okay?” “I’m sorry. No, Daddy. If I do, Aoibhe wets her pants at church. I’m not allowed to pee. I can’t pee until we get to church. If I pee, one of my sisters get in trouble, and it might be Aoibhe.” Sean nodded. “Well, get in the tub then, sweetheart. The trick about being in water… is even a Ghost can’t tell if you pee in the water.” “How come?” “Because Ghosts are afraid of water. They are afraid of their reflection. They don’t like mirrors either. She can’t sit in the bath with you, so if you pee in the bath, she won’t know you peed, if you don’t tell her. You don’t need to tell me. I won’t ask. I’ll just assume you peed even if you didn’t and wipe you clean when we get you out. Is that okay? You choose if you want to pee in the bath. But if you do, no one knows but you. And don’t tell the ghost even if she asks. She won’t know even if she tries to say she knows. She’s scared of water. That’s why Holy water scares them.” “It’s not the holy part?” “Well, the holy part doesn’t feel good, but they are absolutely scared of water even if it’s not holy.” “Okay.” Sean started to play with her in the bath. He pushed water at her. It was like… he was trying to give her time. And eventually, she peed in the water. She looked around, but the Ghost wasn’t there scaring her. It wasn’t even by the bathroom door. Maybe Daddy was right about this one? When Grandma came in with some clean clothes for her, she saw Daddy filling the tub again. “Didn’t you bathe her?” “She wouldn’t tell me if she peed in the tub. She says if she pees that she’s scared the Ghost will hurt her sister. So, she says she’s not telling. She knows I wanted her to pee. I don’t want to believe she would go against me, so I’m just going do to a quick wash up. I taught her that Ghosts can’t see or feel what’s done in water because it scares them.” “I forgot about that!” Grandma nodded. “That’s right. I remember swimming in the pool and a few of us believed that we could pee in the water because no one would know, especially a ghost. They said Ghosts could tell on us, but not if it can’t see what we are doing.” Sean smiled. Cait smile and rose her arms at him to take her out of the tub. “You can dry me.” When they pulled up to the church parking, but before they got out, Cait whispered. “Don’t get out yet. Please.” Sean and Eiboline looked back at her. “I’m gonna wet my pants in Sunday School. I just wanted you to know.” They looked at one another and then at Cait. “Hon, we need you with us.” “Why?” “The hurt, hon. We can’t let you sit in pee for very long because it will hurt you. Your skin is very sensitive.” “I have to. Trust me. Grainne will poop her pants at church or something worse. I have to go to Sunday school. I promise, I’ll ask Ruth to take me to you after I peed my pants. Okay?” Sean sighed. “Cait, you don’t need to hurt yourself.” “The ghost….” “Remember about the bath water?” “There’s no bath at church.” “No, but there is the love of Jesus here. I don’t know what kind of church your Father goes to, but Jesus won’t let a ghost like that bother kids in his real churches. Jesus doesn’t allow kids to be hurt in his presence.” “Doesn’t Jesus see everything?” “Not really, Cait. Jesus sees what you invite him to see. He does that out of respect, not that he can’t. And if he won’t let himself see something private, he won’t let no ghost see that in his presence. So, yes, he can be there if you learn to talk to him more, but he won’t be there if he’s not invited because he doesn’t force people.” “I don’t get it.” “Well, the ghost isn’t allowed in his church. But you know what? If you think the ghost can get in, go ahead and just make sure you have Billy bring you down with Ruth. That will be fine.” When they were getting out of the car, Ruth ran up and hugged Cait. “I was so scared you wouldn’t want to come back after that mean girl tried to be mean to you.” Cait smiled. “It was only one girl. Everyone else was so nice, how can I not want to come back. But I still not fixed. I’ll pee my pants again.” “We don’t care. We love you.” Ruth took Cait’s hand almost possessively, and then she reached in the car and pulled out Kooks. “And this protector bear comes with us.” As they were entering, the Pastor whispered to Sean. “In what way is she?” “They had to do a very difficult procedure, but it may have worked. The problem is, that was just the thing they saw. There is more going on. She’s going to have a hard time this year. She’s going to be shamed and she hates diapers. I’m not forcing her into one.” “As it should be. A child that is already having a hard time shouldn’t have to fight with her big people to make it more bearable. Just make it easier for her. There were a few youth that noticed the spill and volunteered to clean it up last Sunday. People will be as kind as you give them a chance to be.” Daddy nodded. “Yes, but sometimes, they can have hearts of stone.” “Sure, they can. But that’s just because they haven’t been given enough chances to care.” Daddy nodded. “I suppose it could be that.” “Well, here is your chance to care. Brother Westburg is sick and he was supposed to say a few words. Would you mind saying something? I have no doubt you have a few things you’ve learned from taking care of your niece for about two weeks now?” “Sure. I’ll say something.” “Just five minutes, if you don’t mind. I know you can talk all day if we let you.” Daddy smiled and nodded. Cait frowned and put a finger in her mouth. “Daddy talk all day? He usually just says ‘Now.’ and that’s it.” Both the Pastor and Daddy laughed but I didn’t get the joke. Well went to our seats, and then Sean bent do to see me. “If you need, Grandma and Uncle Todd and Aunt Susan there to help you, and of course Ruth and Billy are there. So don’t be scared. I’ll be right up there, by the people that sit in the front.” “Okay. I’m not scared. I promise.” We settled, and Ruth gave me a whole pad of paper and Billy gave me these really nice markers. “We asked our dad,” Billy said. “Your Daddy and Grandma could give it to you, but then it wouldn’t be from us.” Cait hugged them both. “I love it.” And then she started to draw until she heard them say, “Brother Sean Kinsella will like to talk to us about his journey of taking in family. This message might be good if you are ten years old or older. So, parents, hold your ten year old for a minute. Let them know they are loved and that this message might help them. Hold your thirteen year old, Hold your child who is old enough to understand. Everyone needs these words.” Cait was now fixed on Daddy. Even Ruth who was younger and not supposed to understand watched. Billy held Cait in his lap. “Your Daddy not here, so you can sit in my lap while he talks.” Cait looked him in the eye. “I try not peeing in main meet even pants or toilet. It my choice, but I have to not do it yet.” Billy frowned. “Well, if it happens, I won’t mind. You know that, right?” “Yeah.” Daddy started Speaking. Cait sat very still in Billy’s lap, her hand holding Ruth’s while she watched him approach the mic. He had on his brown suit. He had shaved. His eyes looked right at Eiboline and then at Cait. “I was against it at first,” Daddy said. How many times have we passed up our chance to show Grace because it was not easy for us, or we had something else planned? How many times did we pass up on a chance to be saved by God?” Cait looked at Billy. “He’s talking about me?” “I don’t know, Cait.” “In April, we get this letter from my wife’s cousin. In April, well, we were settled. We had no need to prove ourselves to anyone. And it seemed, that we almost said that to God, but Maire’s letters kept coming.” “Hold your little kids, and even your little teenagers, and even your little young men and young women. The world isn’t ready for them. It’s selfish and it’s as ready as you are to take a stranger’s child into your own home….” Cait looked at Ruth. “Do you get it?” “No?” Cait help Ruth’s hand tighter. “Then, came the day of Delivery. I didn’t know what I’d do when he came. Eiboline, compassionate as you all know her, she wouldn’t let me say no. And well, some of us know that the wife is the real boss. That’s why Church is given to men to organize. Because in truth, you know it’s the women that organize the men in their homes before hand, and I would be lost without Eiboline’s Moral Compass.” Cait reached for a crayon and started to crawl out of Billy’s lap. She didn’t get it. She wanted to color. “And then this car shows up at my door, the man gets out and walks over, and puts his foot on my tractor’s tire as if judging me if I was smart enough to take care of the tractor. But he seemed friendly. He was our brother-in-law, and Eiboline had said that there was something about him that was… off.” “He’s talking about your dad and mom,” Billy told Cait. Cait shrugged. “I know about them.” “Six hour trip, he said,” there was a little bit of anger in Daddy’s voice. “Well, I won’t say more on that, but from the moment I saw the child climbing out of the car, I knew she was going to be a challenge. The way she held herself, the way she was so quiet. She wasn’t like other kids….” He paused. Cait looked back and Billy’s parents were staring at Daddy like they didn’t know him. Did he say something wrong? “Well, it’s easy to judge people,” Daddy had said after everyone had seemed to hold their breath. “It’s very easy to judge them until you know what they’ve walked through.” He paused again. Cait stood up and looked up at Daddy. “That little angel there, sitting next to the Henderson kids. That little redhead that so many people have judged. Judged harshly. She keeps fighting. She keeps asking people to look at her. And yet, so many people just look away and say something. And do you know what she’s taught me? Unconditional love!” Cait smiled. Cait wasn’t so sure he didn’t get that backwards. “Hold your child. How many of us called our kids stupid at sometime? How many of us has told our own kid, someone else’s kid, or even just some young person that they are in trouble for something without even bothering asking why?” Daddy looked around. Cait stood on her tiptoes and looked around. The other members were looking around. “Cait loves her Daddy, her Mommy, and her sisters in Missouri. She loves them with all her heart, but she asks sometimes. Why?” Daddy looked around. “And all I can say is… Now.” “I say to all of you holding your kids, your thirteen year olds who were whispering a moment ago, your nine year olds who were playing a moment ago, all of you who saw your big teens whispering a moment ago. You can say two things to them. You can say, God wants you to listen, or you can ask, Why? Not Why as in telling them what they did is not good in the sight of God, but ask them Why they were playing, talking, or moving around. Maybe they will surprise you. Now.” He bowed his head. “God didn’t make a house to gather the perfect. He made a house to gather the ones who desired to be perfect in his name. He didn’t make a House of people that know what is what, he made a house where we can explore what is what. Now, amen.” And then he walked back where he sat. That was it? That’s not how most people talk, not even in this church. Daddy was just straight and he said something, but it didn’t teach nothing. Or maybe it did, but it was for everyone to think about and not get an answer from him? That was confusing. Church was supposed to tell you what God wants, but Daddy didn’t tell them what to think. He just told them what God made his house for, and he didn’t say to stop kids from playing, and he didn’t say to let them play either. He made a statement. That’s all he did. The ghost wasn’t near Daddy. It wasn’t around Billy or Ruth. It wasn’t anywhere. Cait started to walk out of the main meeting with a lot of questions about what Daddy thought church was because he fully took apart the Jesus that punished people for not looking at a statue of a snake in the desert. He took apart the Jesus that destroyed Ja-roo-salem… or was that Ja-ree-ko? Whatever it was, because they were the wrong people and didn’t help the Josh yu wa spies assept one room on the outside with a red flag… that God just killed them all? That didn’t seem like Daddy’s God at all. On their up to the children’s Sunday classes, a big kid stopped and tapped Cait on the head. She looked up at this really tall girl. “I don’t know why my dad did it. I mean, he always thought Mr. Kinsella was a bit of a coo-coo. But at the end, when Mr. Kinsella asked if my dad was just telling me to shush or if he was asking me why, he suddenly put me in his lap! I’m fourteen. I was embarrassed. I was. But then some other parents were doing it, and I wasn’t alone, and then if felt good. I hugged him and he didn’t say shush for the first time in any meeting I can remember.” Cait looked up at her. She didn’t understand why the girl was telling her this. Then the girl just hugged her. “Welcome to our church.” Cait looked up at Billy who shrugged. They walked into Sunday School, and Cait walked over to the Sunday School teacher. “I hope I don’t make it hard in Sunday School today. I have to pee my pants. I can’t tell you why. It not Daddy Sean idea. It’s just me. Daddy says Billy and Ruth take me back to the adults when it pees. I sorry.” Mrs. Johnson, a smile as she squatted to hear the little shaking scared girl tell her this, and she smiled. “Thank you for letting us know what might happen, Cait. That took a lot of courage, and now we know what to expect, it will most certainly not disrupt us.” She stood up with a hand on Cait’s shoulder. “Some of you heard what Cait said. She’s a little confused because it’s hard for a kid to understand when they do something. They know they don’t want to, but it happens. I will not ask for hands. That is a private matter, but think back a couple of years, even now, for some of you. Who it is, it doesn’t matter. How many of you feel or felt sorry because you knew you’d do something you shouldn’t, but you couldn’t stop it? Let’s say you coughed really loud during a school test? Let’s say you slurped your drink because you didn’t notice the liquid getting close to the bottom of the glass? Let’s say you even peed in the bed? None of these things are always your fault. Many times, you don’t plan them at all. They just happen.” The children around her looked at each other and down at their hands. “Have you gotten sick on a day you were supposed to go an a family special outing? Have you had to stay home after you promised a friend to help with something because you suddenly got sick? Remember. No finger pointing. The point is that it’s never okay to laugh at what is hard for others unless you are walking with them. Unless you know how hard it is, remember, the first to cast a stone?” The children smiled. “Yeah. If you don’t have nothing wrong, then you have a right to throw a stone at a woman who just had a adult feeling, but then most of us wouldn’t have no older brother or sister no more because almost all teenagers do what that woman was almost stoned for.” The teacher smiled. “You remembered the story?” “Yeah,” a sixth grader nodded. “Jesus told her to stand up and do it no more, but he told people, if only you can say with pure heart, you never disobeyed a law or a church law.” “Well, Cait has shared with us a very real fear. Remember today’s Church services and the Pastor’s sermon on Jesus’s compassion. Remember that Cait is one of us, now.” The fifth graders started to pull her towards their table. “Your friends, Ruth is in fourth, and Billy is in sixth. You can come to our table. You are supposed to be in fifth grade. We won’t let no one pick on you.” Cait looked for the Ghost, but it wasn’t there. One of the fifth graders took dangling Kooks, and placed him in her arms. “I’ll help you read the Bible today. We all have trouble with Bible words anyway. They talk funny.” The Ghost doesn’t know what it can’t see. The Ghost hasn’t been in the service at all. Cait smiled and came up with a new plan. She started to wiggle trying to hold out the last few minutes, even though she wasn’t supposed to, and then when it was almost a pre-pee, she whispered to the fifth graders. “I don’t’ want o pee in class. I’m going to have Billy and Ruth take me in case I wet on the way. My Daddy and Grandma have to change me because… Doctor said to.” The fifth grader nodded and put Kooks back in her arms. “Take your fear get rid of thingy. We don’t want you to be scared.” We just made it, and I peed on purpose in my pants but in the toilet. The Ghost won’t know. And I did pee in front of Billy and Ruth, so I was still peeing in front of people. The Ghost doesn’t have to know. Church is like water. The Ghost can’t come in here while the fifth graders are all my friends and then Billy and Ruth won’t let the other kids call me a baby either. “We should close the stall door to give Cait privacy even if she wants to wet her pants,” Billy told his little sister, Ruth. “Don’t?” Cait asked. “There’s a Ghost. I don’t think the Ghost will see me peeing if you stay here. If she catches me, my sister in Mysery will potty her pants at church. I was supposed to pee in Sunday School in front of everyone, but the Ghost can’t get in. It’s because you won’t let it. If you close the stall, the Ghost will come back.” Billy and Ruth looked at each other, and then Ruth walked into the stall while Cait was peeing through her dress, and she took her hand. “No Ghost is coming in here.” Billy frowned. “That’s why you told everyone you’ll wet your pants in Sunday School? The Ghost told you to pee your pants?” Cait looked down. “Yeah. It punishes my sisters if I don’t do what it says.” “You need the Pastor’s help. He helps people who have difficult times with things like that.” “He does? But you can’t throw demons out of people. That’s only Jesus can do.” “That’s right. But he can ask Jesus to help you.” “Father in Mysery says that’s what bad churches make you think with something about cleaning a brain, so they get your money.” Billy frowned. “I don’t know what that means. I do know that the Pastor goes to people’s homes and talk to them about Jesus and he helps them invite Jesus in. If Jesus is there, bad things can’t stay.” “Well…, I don’t think this is a Ghost like that. I think it’s a Ghost that is in me. Am I a bad person?” “No. You are just … A girl that’s having trouble,” Billy frowned. “If did you ever ask a Pastor to help you before?” “I can’t. It’s bad to do that.” Cait sighed. “I peed.” Billy smiled. “Let’s get you to your big people then so they can change your pants, okay?” “Okay.” The children walked out of the bathroom to find out the whole fifth grade table was standing in front of the bathroom, and they were actively blocking an older girl from going in. “You big, you can wait,” one fifth grader was saying. “Yeah, our scared classmate is in there, and we making sure she not picked on.” “And no one gets to see her peeing. Only except her friends that took her in to go. She’s having a hard time. So you have to wait.” “Are you talking about the Kinsella little girl?” “What if we are? You still not going in.” “She’s out,” one of the fifth graders frowned. “She’s peed her pants. Let’s take her to get her big people so other people don’t look.” They gathered around her like sheep and cows do, and she wasn’t the lonely horse anymore that was separated from the other little horses. She had all the other cows around her, with her in the middle, and they moved up the aisle towards the front stopping the adult lesson. “Sorry,” one of the fifth graders started. “I’ll say it,” Billy told the fifth graders. “I’m the eldest. I should be the one punished if someone gets in trouble for disrupting them.” “No one is in trouble, Billy,” The adult Sunday School teacher smiled. “I’m sure you kids have a good reason or your Sunday School teacher would have stopped you.” “It’s Cait. She needs her big people really bad, and she gets scared of a thing that people can’t understand. She needs her bigs. The Pastor and Mr. Kinsella said kindness and stuff. That’s not fake, right?” “No, Billy, it’s not.” Daddy stood up. “I’ll take her. She has had a hard time. Thank you little wonderful souls for taking care of her so she can find us. It’s a scary world she lives in right now.” The kids smiled and nodded. “We all get scared sometimes,” a fifth grade girl said. “We need to help each other.” Chapter 82 Out of the Light and Into the World Daddy took Cait up to the baby room where lots of kids were playing toys, but they were all definitely younger than her youngest sister. Some of them were being changed, some into diapers some into training panties. Daddy knocked before he entered, and he let Cait go in first. “This is Cait. She has a lot of issues she’s working through. She pees when she gets scared. No one minds if I change her in here, do you? We just need a private corner, and then I’ll take her out as soon as I can.” “Nonsense,” one of the women who was breastfeeding shook her head. “This room is for everyone with children that need a little help to keep the child’s needs private. You can stay as long as she needs to feel strong again, and you sit with her. We trust you.” “Thanks.” He picked Cait up patting her wet bottom and he whispered. “My little Angel!” He put her down in a corner further from the others. “You don’t have to be watched being changed, hon. You just relax.” He pulled her wet dress off of her and then pulled down her soaking wet boy panties. No one saw her boy panties. Daddy wrapped them in the dress. Cait would have done that even if they were girl ones. Daddy knew what she wanted. He cleaned her up as best as he could and then put her medicine on. “Do you want to try the third one yourself?” he asked her. Cait shook her. “You do it, Daddy,” her voice was barely even a whisper. She was wearing a pair of jeans and shirt now. And then Daddy picked her up and took her to sit with some of the mothers who were not doing anything private. “You can play on the floor with the younger kids if you want.” “That’s not allowed at church.” “Says who?” Daddy asked. “If it wasn’t allowed, they wouldn’t have kid rooms for kids that need a break after a difficult thing happened to them.” “I don’t see no other big kids in here. Just babies,” Cait looked down. “Big kids come in here sometimes for all kinds of reasons, Cait. Sometimes they are having a hard day and can’t stop crying. Sometimes, they are scared because something bad happened in their class and they are scared of judgment, so they come here with a big person to calm down. It’s not just a place for changing your pants. And when they come in here, they are allowed to play with the babies. No one is calling you a baby by letting you play with them, sweetheart.” “Okay.” When church ended, Ruth came in the baby room first, and she went directly to Cait and squatted down next to her. “Do you feel okay?” “Yeah. Daddy just thought it best I stay here the rest of the service. It was almost over anyway.” “Good. Here. The whole class looked in the Bible, the little kids were helped by sixth graders. Billy helped me.” And she gave me twenty-four cards. Eight from each table of students. The cards showed their favorite stories or their favorite lines of scripture from the bible on the bottom of the inside, but then they drew a big picture of what it means to them. Ruth’s was the line where God told them to let the children come to him, and she drew me in Jesus’s lap, herself standing next to me with Kooks. I could tell I was one in Jesus’s lap because she drew a line, Kook’s leash, from my shirt to Kooks in her arms. And her brother standing behind her. And she had a puddle under her, not me. Billy’s line was John 3.16. He wrote it out. For He lov-id the wold so much He gav is own-ly be got ten son. And then he drew a picture of Jesus talking to adults, but Jesus looked like a kid maybe our age. They were all things about how God loved the men of the world, and some of the fourth graders shared where they who God loved didn’t do everything right. Samson, Daddy said, was punished and killed for disobey. But one Fourth grader showed Samson ask God, that he wants to help God, please help him help God because these people hurt God’s people. And then Got gave back his strong for one last test of faith for him. Someone said that Adam broke the law and ate the fruit, but God still let him have kids. God doesn’t start over after he broke the law God said the law. God said. Still he gave Adam kids. It was was so different how people read the the Bible this church from Father’s church in Mysery. Maybe Daddy in Mysery just didn’t learn God nice side. Maybe that why he teach us. He want us not to have hard in after we leave his house, so he teach us harsh because world is harsh, and Daddy thinks God is harsh? Cait sat next to Summerstone in her field with a pad of paper and some markers, the ones she was given that day. She looked up into the sky, and she smiled. “Grainne should know you more. She has a hard time, and she stuck in that other church. That church only teached the punishing, but it never teached the love. Grainne should know you.” Cait sighed. “What you think, Summerstone? Do you know what I tell Grainne so she doesn’t scared that she pees her pants in field and that she gets her teachers told she pees her pants?” The baby tasted her hair again. Cait looked up at him. “Does my hair really taste so good?” Deer Grainne. It me, Cait, not cat. I got paypr. I giv U som. Now, you can rite me. Daddy cant say no. Not is paypr. Not Kinsella paypr. My fren giv me. I don’t lik rite. Then she drew a sky and then she drew Grainne in the field pee down her legs and on the ground. The sun smiled at her. She wrote by the sun. “God is sun, 2. God see, and God hapy U. She drew Grainne and Clodogh. They were sitting by the little sisters. Grainne’s lap was wet, and Clodogh’s lap was wet. Aoibhe was in Grainne’s lap and Roisin was in Clodagh’s lap. Under it, she wrote. God is hapy. U sho lov sistrs. U teched them lov not doesn’t bad. Lov is. Lov hod Roisin, Clo even Roisin peed. Lov is Grainne hod Aoibhe even Grainne peed. Aoibhe only luv Grainne. Pee lap is jus watr. Cait then drew Daddy in the field looking up at the gray sky and no sun. His fist in the air at the sky. The corn around him was dead. It was quiet. And she wrote. This Daddy God. Daddy only see dark. Daddy no get hep frum any. If U hep Daddy, maybe Daddy sees the Sun smile. Maybe Daddy know you truble peed bed or peed pants. I sorry I don’t know befo. U peed pants skool? I luv U and U no teached me pee pants. I don’t know U peed but assept now I know. I sory U peed. You feel beter soon. Okay?” She sighed and looked it over. It was enough. “I luv my big sisters Grainne and Clo. I sorry Clo pee pants at farm. But plez do it. It feel beter thn gutz in ches and push blater. Luv Clo too. Luv Aoibhe too. Luv Roisin too. Sorry Roisin sleep bed now Cait rul. But okay. Pee bed. Daddy hapy, no Roisin hit. Grainne, 2. Pee bed. No hit. Luv mittl sis. Cait. Cait smiled. She didn’t get no help, but she wrote the letter and she used her words, not just pictures. She doesn’t care if Daddy is happy. Grainne… she hoped Grainne was proud of her. Cait stood up as the sun was setting. “Sorry, Summerstone. I ask Grandma to mail. This letter important for my sisters. I love you, baby.” Sean noticed that Cait was starting to tear an extra paper from her pad of paper she got. “What are you doing, Cait?” “Paper for Grainne to write. It my paper, so Daddy doesn’t mad her to write.” “Sweetheart, if it’s your paper, you can give it to your sister?” Cait nodded. “Don’t tear your pad up, hon. I have some paper I want to give you. You can do anything you want with it, even give it to Grainne if you want.” “Really?” “Yes, sweetheart. Really. Ruth and Billy gave that to you with their heart. Don’t tear it all up. Use it normal, and Daddy will give you extra paper for letters so you can Grainne can write.” “Okay.” Cait looked up at him. “I wrote it. Not just pictures. See?” “I see. It looks lovely. Is there anything you need help to spell well enough that Grainne can read it?” “No. Grainne my sister. She can read it. She always been there from a start. She knows how we feel. Even if she gets the words not understand one time, she can read more and then she will understand. She the first one that said to me, in third grade. She said, I don’t pee my pants because I want. But we hide it anyway because Daddy.” Cait smiled up at him. “Grainne knew before Daddy and before you and before the doctor knew, that I didn’t do it by my wants.” “Now,” Daddy picked me up and checked me. I peed. He was supposed to. It was the doctor’s tell him to do it, but I know he also do it because even the doctor doesn’t say, he knows if I go to the bathroom or not. He doesn’t watch for shame, he watches for help. Chapter 83 The Ghost Trial Is Something Cait was put on the toilet, and then she was changed into her sleeping clothes, and then put to bed, not in her bed, but insistently in Sean and Eiboline’s bed. “Not tonight,” Sean patted her butt. “Tonight, you let us take care of you like the little gentle soul you are.” Cait frowned with a finger in her mouth. “I’m not a baby.” “No,” Sean agreed. “You are not. You are a little girl who is ten years old, who had a nightmare last night, and who had a long day today. You will be babied tonight, then tomorrow, we’ll see how you feel.” “Okay.” “Good girl.” The darkness took a longer time to pull her in this time. It seemed to actually pull at her three times. She resisted the first time by almost opening her eyes—almost. She felt her muscles trying to pull apart in her face. She felt her mouth move. She felt her fingers reaching for someone or something. The second time, she felt the darkness lay heavily on her eyes so that as much as she willed her face didn’t twitch around her eyes. Now matter how she flinched, she didn’t move her fingers. She was still screaming for the Ghost to leave her alone in her own dreaded darkness. Finally, the third time, she was back in the court room. Grainne was in the witness box again. Dan was standing in front of the box but looking right at Cait. Mama’s face was high up over head on a judge’s stand. Kooks was near the judge, taking notes. The Ghost was next to her. “Pee,” the Ghost told her. “If you don’t, you’ll be in trouble. Mama will know it’s on purpose if you aren’t wet here… that you just pee your pants when you want.” Cait felt pee running all over her butt and down her legs. “They’ll put me on the stand this time,” the Ghost whispered. “Why?” “I told you to pee in church.” “I did. I was wet and everything. Witnesses everywhere. The best friends, adults, other younger kids even way younger watched me being changed.” “Well, they will ask questions. I have to tell the truth.” “You?” Cait glanced at her sideways. “Do you have to?” “Yeah.” Cait frowned. “You didn’t see nothing though.” The ghost nodded. “And when I tell them that, what are they going to assume? Cait, think!” Cait looked down. “I came out of Church in different clothes.” “That’s not proof. It’s specter fi cation.” “Specter fi cation?” “I don’t know what it meets. But I know it’s what they call it in court.” Cait looked back up at Grainne, but somehow, Grainne was different…. Grainne looked a lot younger. Her cheeks were chubby. Her freckles were deeper. Her hair was shiny and a little dirty. Her eyes were wide as she looked around at everything. “This isn’t school,” she whispered. Cait frowned. “Who that girl over there by herself?” Grainne pointed at Cait. “Have you seen her before?” “Lots of times.” “When?” “I don’t know.” Dan looked up at Mama who shrugged. Dan turned the questions in a different direction. “What grade are you in, Grainne?” “Fourth.” “And you’ve seen this kid before?” “Yeah.” “Do you know why she’s on trial?” “I don’t know.” Dan looked at Grainne’s legs. “Tell me, what are you hiding in the back of your panties?” “Huh?” “In your panties…. What are you hiding?” “Not hiding nothing. The teacher, other kids, everyone knows.” “Well, what is it?” “Poop.” “And you are in fourth grade?” “Yeah?” “Why did you poop your pants, Grain?” Dan asked. “For her,” Grainne shrugged. “For whom? Point, Grainne.” Grainne pointed at Cait. “What do you mean for her?” “So she wouldn’t get in trouble for peeing. And for Clo my other sister, so she wouldn’t be in trouble.” “For both of your sisters?” “Is that girl my sister?” “She’s a few years older, but yes, Grainne. That’s your middle sister, Cait.” “Cait’s in like… first grade! That can’t be Cait!” “It is. If you didn’t know who she was, why did you start pooping your pants in fourth grade?” “I don’t know. I was told she’d be hurt though, and I… I though she….” The dream ended abruptly. Cait’s eyes shot open and she looked around. The room was dark. It wasn’t morning that interrupted it. Her pants were wet… she didn’t have to go. She didn’t know what interrupted it, but what she did notice, was the ghost wasn’t there. Cait was between her big people, her safe people, and the bed was really wet. She must have turned and turned a hundred times. Both her big people’s places had pee near them Did she pee her pants more than once in her dream? She looked back to the dark window. Both of the bigs were sleeping. She didn’t want to wake them. They spend a lot of time taking care for her and making sure she’s safe, and clean, and doesn’t wear poop. She wanted them to sleep. Quiet and careful. Cait crawled through her pee and to the end of the bed. She moved slow so they didn’t notice her missing and she put a pillow by Daddy’s arm, and it hugged it. She smiled. Daddy hugs me even when I sleep and pee. She quietly padded her little feet to the door. It wasn’t pulled shut. She pushed it quietly and it opened without a sound. She looked back. Still, they sleeping. Good. She walked out and pulled the door just to. And then she got her paper from her room and went to the kitchen table. The clock on the wall was little hand four and big hand two. It was really early, but Daddy get up soon. Daddy gets up four and big hand is six or four-thirty is what the big people say. She turned on the living room light, the furthest light from the stairs, so she didn’t wake them. “You’re up, early!” Cait jumped. “Don’t you recognize Clo’s voice?” The Ghost taunted her. “You did it wrong.” “Whatever you want to tell yourself. What are you going to write to Grainne about?” “I’m not telling. You want to take a bath?” The Ghost disappeared. Cait opened the pad of paper. Dear Grainne. Not lucky two letters in same. I woke up 4 and big hand is two. I get thinked because of bad dreaming. I be membered a bad thing. But then. I don’t know it is even right. How can Kooks or Ghost know? So. This is hard to ask you and more scary you answer. I don’t scared you answer, but you scared to tell me. You maybe protect but now, if I don’t know, I going to not know anything. I hate ask this. I feel it lie. But I have to know you feel even I ask even you don’t answer, and I sorry. I scared. Grainne, if you did what I be membered…. If I know you did…. I can understand it. If you not dude it, then I can call it liar. I told you the ghost! Cait frowned, not sure how to continue this letter. If she tells Grainne that Grainne pooted her pants when she was second, or third, or fourth, or fifth or sixth grade, she was going to be mad like a cow doesn’t let you touch before it gives birth. If it lies, Grainne might be mad and not write her. If it truth. If it truth maybe she scared to write Cait. What could she say to get her sister to answer with truth? “You aren’t sure now,” A voice startled her. The quick shivers turned into heated anger, her head burning in a big exblosib bowl can no blow up. “I said I’ll take a bath. You want to take a bath?” “No one is awake. You’ll get in trouble.” Cait got up from her chair. “I be lieb Daddy only say bad or he take something. He doesn’t belt with it hit me. So I don’t scared his mad.” Cait sat back at the table and opened her pad again. “If you want to taunt me, then tell me how old Grainne really was the first time she pooted her panties.” “You wouldn’t believe me. Besides, that’s what you are writing about.” “Cow yard!” Cait challenged it. “Me? A coward? Look who’s shaking and who peed the bed just because maybe Grainne did poop her pants before it had anything to do with you at all?” “Your court judgy thing said she pooted in second or third or….” “You talk too much,” it cut Cait off. “You talk like a baby. Big kids know how to say it right.” “Fine. I am a baby. Now, are you cow yard?” The Ghost stared Cait in the eye. “Grainne is a bigger baby than you are,” The ghost got a wicked smile. “She poops her panties every day on purpose, just because it’s easier.” “Liar!” Cait retorted. “She never did it everyday. I sawed her on the toilet and sometimes pooped on the toilet. You don’t pooted more than one a day. Everyone in fourth grade know that.” “Do they?” The ghost smirked at her. “Tell me again how Cait was so upset she pooped on the toilet and then thirty minutes later pooped her little baby girl panties in front of her class?” Cait put her thumb in her mouth. “So?” “You were in second grade. Don’t you remember?” “I be membered.” “Then what is this that you don’t poop more than once a day?” “You don’t.” “You did.” Cait looked down. Her thumb was being scraped on by her teeth. The clock’s long hand moved from the four to the five. Cait sat in the dim light, glaring at the ghost. She didn’t see the hand moving. She didn’t hear any steps walking down the stairs and towards the kitchen. Then the light flipped on flooding the room in light and the ghost seemed to have just melted away or something. It was gone. “There you are, sweetheart,” Grandma walked over and out her arms around Cait’s chest from behind. “Did you get scared when you saw the wet bed?” Cait shrugged. “Daddy said I allowed.” “And you are. I’m just trying to figure out why our little one crawled out of bed in wet pajama pants when we told you that we need to change you as soon as possible when you pee.” “You sleeping. If I my own bed, you don’t know and let me sleep, right?” Grandma smiled. “Clever child. Of course we’d let you sleep.” “Why I can’t let you. It wasn’t four thirty. I can read four thirty. It was just four and then two.” “Well, hon, we are not the ones that are suffering a sickness that can hurt us. And we are your parents by law as long as the paper is effective that your Father out in Mysery sighed.” “What mean if fec tib?” “It means that as long as the paper is true, which is until December. And it say swe are your parents until then or we do the job of your parents.” “But if you be like my parents, then that means I have right to be like you my Grandma, too. And if I let my mama sleep, why I don’t let my grandma sleep?” Eiboline smiled and giggled. “Cait! You are impossible. You know that! Right! But impossible.” Cait smiled. “Anyway, I didn’t just go down because I peed. I rited Grainne.” “I thought you already have a letter for her.” “I had that dream again. The one with the dark room like a questioning room for the secret law people to see you did bad. Assept it make Mama face very light in light it mama and she judge. And it maked Father is asking Grainne. And it make Grainne like second and third and fourth and fifth and sixth grade and I don’t know which one. Grainne pooped her pants. Daddy told her to say what you hide in your panties? Grainne said she pooped. But I don’t think she pooted that little. I think Ghost lied it.” “Are you trying to ask Grainne when she first pooped in her pants or had a peeing accident?” “Yeah.” “Cait, I think that’s the trick your inner ghost is trying to do to you. If you write that letter to your sister, she might get really upset that you are trying to shame her. You know she loves you.” Cait frowned. “So I bad if I send the letter?” “No, Cait,” Eiboline sighed. “But just because it doesn’t make you wrong, doesn’t mean it’s the best or kindest thing to do.” Cait felt hot tears rolling down her face. “But the ghost lying. I just need big sister to tell me so I don’t going crazy scared. The ghost has to be lying. It says Grainne pooteds more than two a day, and once in her panties on purpose.” Eiboline frowned. “We could ask your mom, instead.” “That two reasons I can’t.” Eiboline sat down and motioned for Cait to get in her lap. Cait was still wet. “What two reasons do you have that you can’t ask your mom something that would upset Grainne?” “I think she get in trouble. I think mama even more mad her if I tell-telled her. I don’t think Mama knows. I think Grainne doesn’t know Daddy knows, but Daddy knows… not Sean-Daddy. Mean-Daddy.” The Thumb was being scrapped again by her teeth. “I don’t be member the real age. The ghost said she so young, it not for me that she did it. But that can’t be. Grainne not do that on purpose. She yucked out when I told her to do it this summer. She don’t pooted her pants before. Not like that little!” Cait’s tears slid faster down her cheeks. “The lighted questioning place told Grainne why she do it. Grainne pointed me, but Grainne little. Really little. She is second and third and fourth and fifth grade, but I don’t know which one. And she point me. But Daddy asked to protect your little sister? But the dream says she doesn’t know me. She said her little sister is only first grade. But that means she littler. But she still protected me. I don’t think it truth. I think dream is lying.” “Cait, if this happened a long time ago, how would your mom hurt Grainne now for it, and why would your dad punish her for something that is long past?” Cait shrugged. “I don’t think it’s belt thing. Mommy letter. You read it. She says I pee my pants because I want to, and I can easily stop it. I doing it for something, and I just bad. That letter, yesterday. That where mama said Cait smarter than she act. That part mama thinks…. It hurt more. It hurt more than a belt on fire! What if she did that Grainne?” “What if Grandma were to write directly to Grainne?” Eiboline asked. “Daddy will read it. You mama’s sister. He no right to read mama mail. But you send it Grainne, and he has right to read it.” “Do you think he’s reading your letters to your sister.” Cait shrugged. “Of course. But daddy knows when the time I be member is confuse. He knows the day she pooped her pants. I don’t be member why he knows. I just be member that Grainne thought no one saw, but I saw Daddy watch her hide it. I didn’t know it pooted panties then. But I know now. I just know the ghost told story wrong in dream. I know it wrong.” Eiboline sighed. “There is no law against an adult checking a letter to their kid. It’s that way on purpose because good parents would protect their kids with a law like that. But you are right. If Dan is reading her letters….” Daddy came into the room. “What is all this seriousness before my coffee?” he asked. “I can’t think straight without my coffee.” Cait gave him a look that caused Sean to stop and look down. “Now.” “The Ghost is hurting Grainne and Clo and Roisin and Aoibhe,” Cait whispered. “And last night, it showed me it hurt Grainne, but only the be members have to be wrong. That it doesn’t fit. It like a puzzle smashed on a fist to fit because it wrong piece, but it made fit.” “Cait? I have an idea. What if we were to go up to Missouri again, just you and me and maybe a friend, and we take your big sisters out for some fun with your friend? Your dad can go to a place with two hockey sticks for all I care, but Sean would be happy to make sure the chores got done so Daddy wasn’t mad at them.” “You mean go visit?” “You’ll have to be brave. We need to get some stuff done first, but maybe in July. Would that be okay?” “I just hope Daddy not hurting Grainne, and the Ghost hurting her.” “Remember the deal he made? He knows that punishing your sister for what was agreed on… them wetting while doing chores is in his best interest not to punish. I don’t think he’s hurting them for that.” “Okay. But what means a place with two hockey sticks?” “Don’t worry about it, love.” “Doesn’t Grainne have a Birthday in July?” “Yeah? July 10th.” Eiboline looked to Sean. What do you think? You and maybe Arnold go and work that man’s farm for a day, and let Arnold’s boys work our farm in July, so Cait can spend a happy birthday with her elder sister and have Clo with us and maybe you can watch the two young uns for Maire so she gets a break, too?” “I think we just need to make sure Arnold and his boys are on board. But… if the boys are doing the farm, you’ll have to let their mother in your kitchen.” “She can have the kitchen from the day we leave until the morning after we return as long as she hands it back the same way she found it.” “I’m sure she will. Now.” Eiboline laughed. “Yeah, I know she will. You know. It’s just it’s my kitchen. Like your farm, Sean. You know if it were anyone but Arnold, you’d be watching them like a hawk if they tried to help.” “You’re not lying about that.” “Well, Cait, if we let you bring one friend with you, provided their parents let them go, who would you like to support you?” “Can it be a brother and sister?” “No, Cait, only one.” “Oh, well Bringing Ruth doesn’t work without Billy and bringing Billy alone is just weird. Oh, I know!” Cait screamed and clapped her hands. “And he will even be less scary for Grainne because he’s her age, and he does it, too!” “What are you saying, Cait?” Sean asked. “Shane! He’s about Grainne’s age. He pees his pants when he’s nervous like when he’s late, and he’s looking out for me like Grainne does. They can share stories, and maybe she’ll just accidentally tell him.” Sean lifted her off of Eiboline’s lap. “It’s time you got out of those wet things, but I don’t think you should leave your questions to chance. We may not get another trip until December. You want it answered, Cait.” Cait frowned. “However, you could maybe share your concerns with your peer buddy. If he knows what is bothering you and you tell him everything you can about it, if he does come, then he could tell your sister how bothered you are, and maybe he’d offer to ask.” “You think he would?” “I don’t know him, Cait, but even if he didn’t, he wouldn’t judge when you talked to Grainne and might help be the peacemaker if it gets awkward… if he’s okay telling people.” “He tells our group.” “He with friends, there, Cait. You have to talk to him before you just invite him for something like this. He might get hurt, too, that you’d use him like that if he’s not comfortable outside the group. Look, you have a couple of weeks. Just talk to him. If it doesn’t work out, you can just take Ruth, you know.” “Alright.” Cait got an evil look in her eye, and she tapped the tips of her fingers like she’s seen Dr. Claw in Inspector Gadget as she said… “Perfect. Now, for Ghost! Ghost! You hear me? You can come and bother me now. Only I’m going to the bathroom to get in the bath!” For some strange reason, the Ghost didn’t bother her! A while later, Cait was in jeans and a short sleeve shirt and eating breakfast at the table. “You know what’s funny? Ghost is scared of water, but maybe if she took a bath, she wouldn’t look and smell like pee all the time, and maybe it would make her more pretty.” Sean and Eiboline frowned a moment. “Well,” Sean offered. “Mean things like that often don’t like clean things, either.” “They don’t?” Cait nodded. “That’s why she only comes out after I am going pre-pee or pooping. Because I not clean then.” That wasn’t reely right. The gost comes in her drems befor she wet the bed, but she didn’t think when she said it. It was just a passed thout. Cait did a few of the things she does in the morning. She fed the animals always starting with Summerstone of course, and she got water with Eiboline, and finally, she was brushing Summerstone’s coat. “You know what, Summerstone? If I fair to everyone who helping me, I can’t choose who to bring with me. But I guess that’s why you have best friends and regular friends. When it’s a choice, it’s easier if you have a best friend and a friend, but that friend has other friends and you know?” Summerstone did that horse lip vibrate that people spit when they do it. “I can’t take you. You don’t fit in the car. You would be first, for sure. Grainne would love you!” Summerstone shook his mane and tasted Cait’s hair—again. “You really like the taste of my hair. I should find a way to make your grass taste like that.” Chapter 84 The Spin Cait had Kooks in her lap in the car, dressed in rough and tumble wear, farm clothes, the most comfortable style. She had a bag in the car next to her, two extra pairs of jeans and two extra skirts and several panties. It also had three extra shirts and undershirts. Grandma explained as she had packed them before leaving the house. “We need to keep you clean, Cait. That might mean changing your pants at the truck while you are at the park. It will mean Uncle and Auntie stopping you every ninety minutes because kids at play don’t notice little stuff like wet pants when they are used to them. We change you, and then we send you to play. Your friends, Ruth and Billy, they’ll understand, right?” “Yeah.” So I held Kooks. “You gonna see your sister for her birthday,” Kooks told me. “Yeah. I hope she doesn’t get mad.” “Be member how you said to Sean-Daddy that he doesn’t need to re-pell your letters because Grainne gets you?” “Yeah?” “You could trust that Grainne gets you. You could just ask her and tell her that you’re scared and you asking because your be members got mixed up and you afraid you hurt her.” “She wood not think I saying it for mean things?” “Why wood she think that?” “Becuz. The Ghost different her, but the Ghost. She still there. She still tells her things.” Speak of it… The Ghost was sitting next to me in her peed in dirty dress, but she had that younger Grainne face on it. “You lying. Grainne didn’t poop her pants in second….” “Did I say she pooped her pants in second grade?” “In the fake court room dream….” “That’s not MY court room, Cait. That’s yours!” Cait stared hard at the Ghost. It was a moment before she put her finger in her mouth. “How that my court room? I the one being pointed at.” “Cait, Cait, Cait. You are judging everyone else. You see their fingers at you because that’s what you want to see. But who is on the stand admitting she had poop in her panties? Who is watching the court, and looking down at you, and who is telling you the faults of not you… but your sisters? You are the one telling on everyone else. That’s why I am next to you?” “How you know you are next to me?” The Ghost became quiet. Kooks frowned at the Ghost. “That’s your doing. Cait’s court room would have had me next to her.” The Ghost smiled. “Think so? How many things you chomp of for her lately?” and then the ghost just-a-dis-a-bisibled. “The Ghost is wrong, Cait. That courtroom is trying hurt you and trying to make you not be member right. That why finding out from Grainne.” “Yeah.” Ruth came running up to the car even before the Kinsellas stopped. “You’re here!” Ruth hugged her as she got out of the car. “Yeah,” Cait looked down. “Um… this is a hard question, but do you start to pee your pants after you met me?” Ruth looked up at her. “What?” “Your pants, Do you pee in them at night in your sleep or sometimes when you didn’t use to?” “No? Why do you think that?” “Kooks says the Ghost is wrong. But I was in the courtroom dream last night.” “Courtroom dream?” “Yeah. Grainne might have started to poop her pants because of me.” “But that’s a dream, Cait. It doesn’t real like the Ghost and Kooks.” The Ghost and Kooks are real. But the dream… it’s just scary and a dream. It doesn’t have any real in it. Tell her Billy!” Billy had been there for the end of that, because he hadn’t run. Cait wasn’t sure why he didn’t run. He smelled funny. Not going to the potty funny, but like man’s nice smell funny. He hugged her. “Ruth gets funny dreams sometimes, and she pees the bed when she gets them. She’s wet the bed though since she was a baby. You didn’t start anything.” Ruth hit Billy playfully in the arm. “Telling all our friends I pee the bed now?” “No. Just Cait. Cait understands so she wouldn’t tell anyone, and you heard her. We let her know it happens and she didn’t cause it, that way she knows. Right? We’re her friends.” “Then I can tell her you peed your pants last year?” “Go ahead.” “Really?” “She’s our friend. I don’t care. Mom and dad even said it was not something that I have to hide, but it is up to me who knows. Go ahead.” Cait frowned. “You were in fifth grade last year.” “So… fifth graders can pee their pants sometimes?” “Well, we don’t go telling everyone when it happens. It’s not something that doesn’t draw people looking at you. You know that, even in fourth grade.” “Yeah.” “But I did. I was at the hospital and didn’t know where the bathroom was. Ruth was being seen by a doctor, and Mom was with her and I was by myself and waiting in the waiting room. I got up and looked down to each side of the hall, but I didn’t see it. So I sat back down. When they came to get me, I had peed.” “But that’s not your fault?” “That’s what my mom and dad said, too. I’m just saying Cait, when it’s not your fault, like when you are sick, no one has a right to turn that into a joke. And if you are so hurt from doing it from being sick that you want to do it on purpose sometimes… sometimes you can only take so much hurt, and want to do something. Just to show you have say so.” Cait looked down. “At the hospital. It was a little bit on purpose. I got mad because no one showed me the bathroom and they were gone a while, so I peed… on purpose. I didn’t want to hold it for who knows how long. I had to hold it before, and it’s really scary when it goes on accident, right?” Cait nodded. “Yeah. It is.” “So…. I thought if I’m going to do it, then I’m choosing to do it right now, while I don’t see no other big kids around. And I peed em on purpose. I told myself I’ll just say I sat in something or spilled something if someone asks. If they don’t see….” “Yeah. I did that before,” Cait nodded. “It’s better to let someone think it got spilled on you than you did something bad.” “So, I knew you’d understand. You won’t tell none of the kids going into fifth or sixth grade what happened to me?” “No. That’s your own Ghost. I already have to fight my own Ghost.” After a group hug, they ran off to meet the other kids there, and they started to play on the slides and making up a story about being on the ship. To make it fair, they called Kooks the captain, and each person talked to Kooks like he was real and told them what to do. Cait didn’t speak for him. Suddenly, their ship could fly, then it could go into a clouds were dreams were. And they picked up some Care Bears. Cait’s first check was flustering, but she told Billy to hold Kooks and not to run around. She trusted him. She trusted Ruth, too, but Ruth was in fourth grade. “You should lead the others still letting Kooks be captain,” Cait told Ruth. “They’ll think the game is over if I take him, and if you hold him, they’ll stop the game because no one is doing what he says.” “Yeah, we can do that, Right Billy?” Cait smiled and ran over to her guardians. “Where’s Kooks?” Grandma asked. “Billy watching him for me. He’s the biggest kid, so no one is going to take Kooks from him.” “I see. Well, let’s check you over, hon.” “I peed.” “Alright. Change inside the car?” “Yeah… please?” As Cait laid in the car letting Grandma clean her off and put medicine her, she smiled. It wasn’t not comfortable, not really. It was actually better. She was getting the itch-the-ditches stopping, and she was clean, and her friends were still playing. It was better than playing in peed in pants. “Grandma?” “Yes, Cait.” “I gonna pee my pants on purpose and come and get you as soon as I can stop. Okay? Next time? Billy said something. But no one is allowed to know, so I can’t tell you what. But I like the same thing. I like doing it because I want to, and not something making me do it.” “Sweetheart.” Grandma sighed. “The doctors wants you to pee on purpose, sooner if you can when you feel it. It’s so we don’t hurt inside more. I thought you knew you were supposed to do it on purpose, for now.” “Even poop?’ Grandma shook her head. “Only pee, Cait. You don’t need to tell me if you poop on purpose or not. Just let me clean it up before it hurts your skin, okay?” “Okay. Grandma Eiboline touched Cait’s nose and she whispered. “Naughty girl,” but she was smiling. “I don’t want to hear about how you are going potty in your pants on purpose until you are fully comfortable on the inside of your body and your skin isn’t irritated any more from being wet or being itching, Angel.” “Okay.” “I’m not saying you won’t sometimes just want to show who is in control, but that’s just it, I’n’t it?” Grandma patted her back when she had no panties on. “It’s not wrong to want to be in control of your own body and what your own body does and when. It’s sometimes not healthy, but we can talk about that, when things are better.” Cain smiled and nodded. When she came back to the others, Billy had her Kooks. She knew he would. “Some of the kids went home,” Billy told her. “Their moms. So now Ruth and some of the other girls or over there. Do you want to join them?” “What did Ruth say about me coming over there.” “She said she wants you to come over, but she said you might be mad she didn’t keep the game going, so asked me to stay with you if you were mad.” “Mad she can’t control other people’s mommies?” Cait looked up into his eyes. “Some of her friends get mad when that happens.” “You for not be membering that my Daddy is one of the ones that prob bab ably gets me all the time too eerly for others. I not mad about other mommies or Ruth can’t stop them.” “You are in sixth grade,” Cait told Billy. “Will be,” he nodded in agreement and looked at her like he was wondering what this was about. “In two weeks, we going to go talk to the mean-Daddy, but not really to see him, but to talk to my sisters. I have a private question that a letter to our house can’t be private about. I know who I want to ask for coming with me, but he might say no, or his mom might say no. I never met his mom, yet.” “Huh?” “Grandma says I can bring someone with me… a friend… to help me talk to my sister. It’s a scary thing to ask her, but you said you peed on purpose at the hospital, even.” Billy frowned. “Yeah?” “What if my sister did it on purpose, but her reason was different. You wouldn’t be mean.” “No? I wouldn’t.” “I don’t even know if she did. But that’s why I need to ask. Ghost keeps saying I be member she did, but the be member is wrong.” “Okay….” “And if she does be member, it really important who hears her say she wanted to do it. In case she wanted to.” “So, you want someone that can help her not be scared?” “Yeah. She my big sister and she tries very really a big lot hard to keep all of us little sisters okay. She bigger girl than you. But she trying too hard to keep us safe. I think she too much. I think she started to pee the bed from too much.” Billy hugged Cait. “You think your sister wets the bed because she’s always trying too hard? You think her own ghost is causing her to wet the bed?” “I… I don’t know if it’s her ghost. I think she’s choosing it. I will have my other older sister at home and my two baby sisters. And she trying to keep them not scared. And she has to do hard farm stuff with my other older sister who has to pee her pants outside, now. Not they want. But no toilet out there, and they apposed to be working. You don’t tell them I told you?” “No, Cait. That’s your ghost, like you said my hospital thing is my ghost. I won’t say anything to anyone that you tell me you want to have be keep quiet about. I’m your friend. We can share secrets.” “That’s why… If this boy who is my playgroup friend can’t come… he’s Grainne’s age, and he understands stuff. If he can’t come, I can’t take you both and You and Ruth because Grandma says. Ruth is nice, but she’s younger than me. Grainne won’t think she understands. But you sixth grade. She knows you know better.” “So, she might see me pee my pants?” Billy frowned. Cait looked down. “I don’t want her to see, and I don’t want you to see if she does. I just want you to accidentally on purpose hear us talk, and when she gets scared, you can maybe tell her you did it before because you wanted, and that maybe it will make her less scared?” “I see. You saying you trust me so much, you think I can help your sister?” Cait nodded. “You and Ruth neffer said I bad, and I pooted on your sister’s hands one day.” “You aren’t bad, Cait. You have some trouble. And everyone has trouble. If this bigger friend can’t come, you can ask my mom if I can come. I’ll help you with your sisters.” Cait hugged him. “Do you look at me and effer think… ‘I want to take off wet clothes from her?’” Billy’s face went really red. “I never thought that.” Cait smiled though. Yes, he did. “I like you, too, you know. But I don’t want you to see me when I peed. I mean, sometimes you hold me, but you not really seeing, right? You just holding me. I like you and I don’t want you think I just baby.” Billy nodded. “I’d never think you were a baby.” Cait put a finger in her mouth and looked down. “For really” “For really. We’re almost the same age. I don’t see a baby when I look at you.” “I’m your sister’s friend.” “So? And I see you as Ruthie’s friend. But I see a struggling girl that is old enough play big kid games like me, who just needs a little help. Besides, Babies don’t know how to hold it. They always pee on purpose, not because they want to, but because they don’t know what they are doing. You know, and you struggle with it, and that makes you not a baby.”

Chapter 75 Did It Work? Cait’s morning was clean. She had no more poops in her tummy. It was still pouring medicine out her butt, but it was clear jelly like stuff, not brown poops. She wasn’t allowed to eat anything and could only drink water for a while. Elora was there in the room when the doctor came in. “Elora, I want to talk to you after surgery today. Come by my office after Cait is put in her own room after being moved out of ICU. As for you, little one, Did you sleep okay?” Cait looked up at them, and Grandma was sitting on the bed they put in there for her. “Yes, Doctor Foster,” Elora said her head down. “Don’t look so down, Miss. Not many nurses would have stood up to their head nurse for the right reasons. You’re not in trouble. I just need to talk to you in private.” Cait looked up at him. “So you not firing her for lying about me being sixteen so that I didn’t have to wear a diaper when they scared me that they treated me like a baby?” “No, Cait. She’s not fired. That’s none of your business, but….” “Yes, sir. It is. If I caused her to be fired, then it my job to tell you it my fault.” He looked over at Grandma. “She takes a lot of things on herself as her fault. I don’t know what to say. I don’t like it, but she does it. She is seeing a counselor now.” “Yes, I am well aware. I was taken away from my family while a young enthusiastic children’s therapist called me up to chew me up one side and down the other. And when she realized I was following the hospital rules and hadn’t even known yet what they were doing last night, she called the hospital up without even saying goodbye. Too focused on getting Cait’s voice heard, I suspect.” Grandma smiled. “I like Ms. Harmony!” Cait nodded. “Me, too.” “Will I wear a diaper?” Cait asked the doctor. “No, little lady. At least not until you are put back in your room. I would like to talk to you directly about that myself.” “Okay. I’m not a baby though.” “No, Cait. Even when an adult has been in surgery depending on the surgery, it is customary to put them in a diaper until they wake up. You are allowed to say you don’t want one, but before you do… here is why I want you to think about it….” “Because Elora said last night?” Cait asked. “What did she say last night?” “After the mean nurse was go homed! Ms. Nurse Elora said that diaper makes not get sick because the potty stays one place in case they too busy to check you in time when it hard time at hospital.” “Yes….” “And… and…,” Cait thought he was going to interrupt her. “...And it keep more comfortable while wait to change my pants because I can’t help pooping my pants.” He smiled. “You won’t be pooping your pants until you eat something, but it’s the same with urine. Do you know what urine is?” Cait frowned. “Well, if it doesn’t poop, then it must be pee?” “That’s right. Pee isn’t good for your skin. While it’s not dangerous to wet your pants, if you wear it for long periods of time, you get a rash because it is not good for you. Have you ever drank cola?” “Yeah. All the time back in Mysery.” “Do you mean Missouri?” “Yeah, where Father and Grainne and Mama and my other sisters stayed.” “Have you ever tried to put a penny in cola?” “No.” “It will take an old copper coin and clean it in a few minutes by just dropping it in. The acid eats away at the stuff that’s not copper. Your skin is resistant to the cola’s effect, mostly, but pee has it’s own strong stuff like cola. It’s called acid. And it decays your body over time if you sit for a while, so it starts as a rash, but if it is allowed to keep going….” “Wait… wait… please, Mr. Doctor Foster? Too much. I not understanding it. Cola eats stuff on coin, and it good for coin.” “Well, it cleans the coin. It attacks the stuff over the coin.” “Okay, but then pee is acid?” “It’s got things in it that are acid-like, yes.” “Pee doesn’t like skin, so it eats it?” “You got it.” “And we need skin because skin makes us health?” “Sounds like you understand, Cait.” Cait frowned. “Oh, okay. I thought I didn’t.” “No, you followed exactly, Cait.” “So the diaper, it keeps the pee from being all over my body to keep the acid stuff in one place?” “Yes. It keeps the rash contained in one place so it you get a rash, it doesn’t hurt everywhere.” “Okay. Can I take the diaper off after I wake up?” “Not until I see you when you are awake.” “Why?” “Complications, and your stomach will be sore from being cut. That’s the main reason I want a diaper on you. If pee leaks into your open tummy because a stitch pulled that will be really bad, Cait.” “Oh! I don’t want that.” “I don’t either. Can you try to be brave and wear a diaper for me, not because you are a baby, but to protect your tummy from hurting worse?” “Yeah. If you let me take it off as soon as my tummy is okay?” “Deal.” The next few minutes happened quickly. Cait wasn’t sure if it was minutes or maybe more than hour, but she knew one minute, she saw Grandma stand back as they took her through Do Not Enter doors, and then Nurse Elora disappeared, and then there were masked doctors and nurses but Doctor Foster’s voice was in one of the green masks. “Are you comfortable?” he asked her. “Yeah.” “I have to put this plastic mask on you for a few minutes. It’s scary, but it will protect your body while we get the guts back in place and help them stay there.” “Okay.” “Please don’t pull it off your face. I promise, we’ll take it off once we don’t need it, okay? Just like we won’t make you wear a diaper any longer than you need it.” “Okay.” “Count backwards from twenty. Can you do that?” “Yeah.” “Slowly, Cait. The slower you count, the better.” “Oh, that easy then. 20...19… uh seven… no 18… 17….” It went fully dark. “She can go home tomorrow,” Cait heard the doctor talking before she opened her eyes. “The surgery went as planned, but sometimes, stitches and other complications like infection can make recovery hard. We want to watch her for twenty-four hours, and then tomorrow, if she’s out of the diaper you can take her home, but I want it fully understood, she doesn’t run… not even to the bathroom. She takes her time. If you don’t feel comfortable with her peeing on the floor or pooping her pants at home, then she can stay here a few days….” Cait tried to interrupt, but her voice was still more tired than her ears. “Uh….” came out as a moan more than even a thought. “She’s allowed to pee her pants and poop em… even if she wants to,” Daddy said firmly. “I told you when we first started. This procedure wasn’t done to make her stop going potty in her pants, but rather to make it a choice that she makes instead what a sickness does to her.” “Yes… I recall that questionable interaction now. I must say, her voice is strong. You know, she probably saved that nurse’s job. The nurse spoke against authority, and the hospital has fired people for less. Cait’s advocacy for her… well, I’m putting her on my team directly. The hospital can’t fire my staff without firing me.” Cait smiled. “Go..oo..od,” she said her voice trying to get strong enough to be heard. “Miss Nurse Elora should keep her job. I don’t like the other nurse.” “Unfortunately, Cait, the hospital likes nurse Sandra, and I do, too. She handled YOU wrong, but she is a very skillful nurse and she is still needed here. They did put her on week suspension without pay though.” “What that meets?” “It means she can’t work for a week, and she doesn’t get paid for that week,” the doctor told Cait simply. “She’s being corrected for the way you were handled, but we can’t afford to fire her.” “Okay.” Cait looked up at Daddy. “I let the doctor put a diaper on me, Daddy. But I not a baby, right?” “No, Cait. The nurses explained as well as Grandma that the doctor talked to you about it, and that it is healthy for you to wear one especially after the surgery to keep the wound sight from getting infected while you can’t move. He said he didn’t want to put a catheter in.” What meets a cat a der?” “It’s a tube that goes into your pee pee place that goes to a bag. They usually do that to either fully drain a bladder or to measure how much is coming out so they know you are okay, but he didn’t think that was necessary. He says that tubes in kids’ bodies can scare them, and you are a very bright kid that needs everything explained before, not after the fact.” “Huh?” “He said you are very smart, and we need to tell you before we do things, not after we do things.” “Oh. Yeah. But Daddy?” “Yes, hon?” “You already knowed that. You been telling all those people that.” “Now.” A little later, a tray of food was brought in and a different nurse was there. “Where’s Nurse Elora?” Cait wondered. “She’s taking the night off. She worked double shifts yesterday and this morning.” “Oh.” “I’m going to change your diaper.” “I don’t want you to. I don’t know you.” “I’m Nurse Thelma.” “I still don’t know you. I don’t want you. Grandma do it.” “She can’t, Cait. You’re tummy. Remember? I have to change you, not just because you might have peed, but because I have to check the wound, too.” “They didn’t say another nurse was going to come in. I won’t let you unless the doctor says he chose you.” “Why not?” “I don’t like the Nurse Sandy. She’s your boss?” “Yes, she is my supervisor, Cait. But even if you don’t like her, there are things written down that have to be done.” “Like telling a ten year old she has to be a baby and wear a diaper?” Cait fumed. “Like you can’t talk to a ten year old girl and tell her the reason for the diaper isn’t a baby thing? Like those rules?” “What?” “I’m not talking you unless the doctor says to.” The nurse sighed and nodded. “Auntie, you can help her eat. There’s no rule against that.” “See! You called my family wrong! I don’t trust you!” Cait yelled at her retreating back. “Grandma!” Grandma sat down and started to spoon food to her little cousin’s mouth. “Sweetheart, I know that the system is broken. The thing is, we have to choose our battles. If you didn’t like her touching your diaper, and that’s a battle you care about, then you know I’m on your side, right?” “Was I bad?” “No, Cait. You were not bad. But not everything can be a battle in a place that is meant to heal you. You have to learn to compromise. You have to learn to talk to people instead of just saying you don’t trust them. If you are not sure how to and you are scared, you can always ask my help. I am always on your side.” “I peed my pants. I scared she see and she mad.” “Well, Grandma will throw her out if she knows you are in a diaper and then shames you for being wet. In a hospital, a diaper means, you have a situation that they need to be respectful of, and they are supposed to be trained for. I’ll curse her if she doesn’t even understand that, hon. But let’s try to let the nurse do her job. You can tell the nurse if you want… ‘I wet my pants. I don’t want you to do it. I want someone I like to do it.’ this tells the nurse the situation, and that you understand her job, but tells her that you don’t feel comfortable her seeing you in that state.” “She still might try to do it,” Cait frowned. “Yes, Cait. In the end, I think we have to let Nurse Thelma do it. She needs to talk to you about it though. Let you understand why she’s doing it, not just tell you its the rules.” “Okay.” When nurse Thelma came back, she squatted down by the bed. “May I… Grandma Kinsella?” Grandma stepped back. “I just got the memo when I went to find out what is going on. I haven’t had a kid refuse a diaper change before. But let me try to help you understand something, okay? A lot of kids think the nurse is magically here all the time, and doesn’t have her own home. Your favorite nurse, Nurse Elora, just worked over 20 hours.” Cait frowned. “Let me put it this way. You are at your desk at school for 20 hours. That means school starts at eight in the morning… so you are at your desk until four o’clock the next morning. Sure, you get lunch recess. Sure, you can raise your hand to go potty. But besides that, you are working on worksheets and stuff the teacher tells you to do. Can you understand how tired she is?” “Yeah.” “Do you know what pee will do to your body if we leave you in pee for that long?” “The doctor said it makes me sick. I get a rash, and it can get in the hurt-y part.” “We don’t want that, do we?” “No. But if you change me this time, can it only be you until you go home, and then you show me the person who is taking over for you so I know she is the one? I don’t like a bunch of people…” she got blurry vision from tears starting to well. “I don’t like everyone to see bad, dirty, pee pants… pooping Cait with messy… I don’t like it. It… it’s hurts. Not like owie, but like I get really can’t breath, and scared, and want to cry!” The nurse put a hand on her arm. “I should have explained before I went to change you, Cait. I sometimes forget to check in with even adults. And kids… well they rarely complain. I just didn’t know what to do with a kid so young being so vocal. I’m sorry if it looked like I was mad. I mean, I was. I had to calm down. But I understand now.” “Okay.” “Can I see the diaper when you take it off… before you roll it?” Cait asked. “Why?” Nurse Thelma asked. “It’s just… I want to see how wet I was. If someone says I peed all over the bed, and I didn’t… I want Kooks, here,” she held up Kookaberry, “...He will bite the lie. Not the person who says the lie. He can’t. But he can bite lies. He tells me if someone being fair. If I don’t see how wet the diaper is, you can anything and Kooks can’t protect me.” “Alright, Cait. I’ll show you. I want you to know something though. I’m looking for three things when I change you. I’m looking that the wound is healing and not getting infection and stuff in there that shouldn’t be, I’m looking at the color of your pee to tell the doctor if there is more going on than the hernia, and I’m looking that you are peeing, and you aren’t having a problem where your pee system is hurting. You need to pee, and I need to know you are peeing. That’s why I change your diaper.” “That Why every nurse change it?” “That should be why. If you ever feel they are looking for the wrong thing, you tell Doctor Foster your fear, okay? You are allowed to tell on nurses to your doctor if they don’t treat you right. Did you know that?” Cait shook her head. “But Grandma called him last night.” Nurse Thelma nodded. “Well, sometimes, Cait…, even parents understand that the system doesn’t take a child’s voice to heart. Especially on the phone, she was right to have been the one to make the call. But if you see the doctor, and you don’t like something I did, you tell the doctor what I did. The doctor will tell me what I did wrong if you are too scared to tell me. You have permission to tell on me. I won’t be mad.” “Now… I like you.” Daddy brought the Spell for Chameleon over, and Cait clapped. This was a while after the nurse went to do other things. She promised, though. Only she gets to check the diaper, even if other nurses check the hurt-y spot. “Daddy? Nurse Elora did something. Can I have a paper and a crayon?” Sean nodded and reached in to pull out some real paper, like school paper, and because she asked for a crayon, he pulled out a crayon, but she saw pencils and pens in there, and she was colored paper, too… art paper. Cait smiled. “Let’s see….” She looked at the word Chameleon with the biggafier. How did she…? She wrote down C and then AM and then ME and the LE and then ON. Is that how she did it? Cait looked gain. It says Kuh. Am. Me. Le and On. Yeah it will work. Then she turned to Sean. “Can I have two pieces of you don’t need papers?” Sean nodded and ripped one of the black papers in half and handed them to her. “Too big,” Cait said as she torn them down. “Now. You read it good. But Pretend I you and you me.” Sean nodded. “Okay….” Then Cait demonstrated what Nurse Elora did the night before for her. “When we got to a really big word like this, she wrote it down. Then she covered the word parts like this. And then she opened the word parts like this. And Until I can read the paper. When I asked her about the H, she said well, Hour has the same H and so does Honor. So she said it’s that kind of H.” “So, when we get to a longer word that might be readable if it’s smaller parts, you want me to try this?” Daddy asked. “Actually!” she clapped meaning exactly. Eiboline smiled. “That nurse was a teacher, once. I can tell. And a damned good one. I never thought about rewriting the word because that was never done for me. They told me to use my finger to break the word, but then my eyes were crossed again. It didn’t work, so I didn’t tell Cait to use her finger. It’s just a circular thing if your finger makes it blend, and fingers on traditional reading lines, are too big anyway. They partly cover the part you are trying to read.” “Now.” Sean frowned at Eiboline. “I don’t think the young nurse would have known to do that paper thing if you hadn’t taught Cait to read with a ruler and magnifier to start with.” “I don’t know… she seemed to know what she was doing….” “Like other teachers at her previous schools? Eiboline, to be honest, I don’t think most people think like you do because a lot of teachers don’t have those issues. You just helped both Cait, and the nurse further helped her.” “Yeah Grandma! I wouldn’t even let the nurse read with me without what you taught me. I would be too scared to show I stupid!” While Cait was reading with Daddy, a boy nurse came in. “I need to check.” “You’re not Nurse Thelma.” “Oh, you’re that outspoke Cat?” “Not Cat! Cait!” “Sorry. Look, I’m not here for a diaper change. Thelma got it cleared by the shift supervisor that only she touches your diaper. I’m just checking the hurt part and going to ask a couple of questions I have to write down. Is that okay?” “If you don’t call me cat again or call meow at me,” Cait shrugged. The boy nurse was actually gentle. He did push on her chest a little and her stomach, but he stopped as soon as Cait made a face. He also helped her sit up so they could be more eye to eye. “Now, it will be sore for a while, Cait. Did I say it right? Ca hat?” “Better than some people,” Cait shrugged. “It’s okay.” “Well, it will be sore, so there is a really big question. If you stay in the hospital, and you can for three more days, then when you go home, you can probably play right away and stuff. You still might have little accidents until your tummy feels stronger though. But you can go home tomorrow, too. If you do that, you will need to use a diaper….” “Na-uh! Daddy says I allowed to pee my pants and poop in em if I want.” The nurse frowned. “Okay. But what I mean is, you can’t run no matter what. Not to the bathroom, not at all. You have to move really slow, so it would be recommended that all potties go in your pants and not the toilet.” “Okay. Won’t I go potties in my pants at the hospital, too?” “Yes, but we’ll have more nurses here so you aren’t making too much work for your big people. They get tired, too.” “I won’t make more work. I’ll wear pee pee pants for a while….” “That’s what we don’t want, and why a hospital is better. You must change your pants as soon as you potty on yourself, as soon as you can, and you must clean up so your skin doesn’t get more owies that might slow your other owie from getting better.” “Oh. I am ten. I know how to change pee pee. I can change my pee pee underwears and rinse off the pee from where I can be allowed.” “Are you sure? It’s going to be really tricky.” “Yeah. I’m almost ten. I don’t talk like another ten person because of people think I stupid, but I promise, I not. I feed my baby horse at home. I brush him, too. I don’t need help to take a bath. I can do stuff. I just got trouble read and time and math. But keep pee off me, I not too stupid for that.” “Well, okay. I’ll write what you said down. Then the top people have to by law, talk to your uncle.” “Daddy. I going to start not talking to people that don’t call family right. He is Daddy and she is Grandma. It’s important like I am Cait.” “I’m sorry. I’ll write that down, too. Says she will not respond to anyone that calls her cat, meows at her, calls her cousin anything but daddy, and her girl cousin anything but grandma….” Is that okay? “Yeah. Can you tell them if they talk me, they say Daddy, Grandma, and Cait to me? I don’t talk if they say wrong words to me.” “That’s fair, Cait.” “Now, I have something else to ask, and this is going to get hard, but you need to try. Can you try?” “Can I hold Kooks?” “Yes. Actually, it’s hospital rules that kids hold something they love when they are asked hard questions.” Cait held Kooks up to her own mouth. “Hamp-h” she said along with chomp chomp. Cait lowered Kooks to her chest. “Kook said that lie.” The boy nurse smiled. “Guilty. But it should be a rule.” Cait smiled. “Okay.” “So, when you last went potty, did you try to hold it because you don’t want to wet your pants, and if you did, do you know how long you waited?” “I don’t have a clock,” Cait frowned. She held the bear up to her face. “Cait? Even if there a clock, you don’t read it like them. If they tell you 40 minutes, they think you crazy because they said 40 is within one mark, but you count it 12 for one mark, so it’s longer for you.” Cait pulled the bear down and scolded it. “You don’t get to tell my stupid stuff.” She put the Bear up. “It not stupid, Cait. It make you confused though. Clock doesn’t help you, and doctor should know you can’t answer.” The boy nurse frowned. “Cait how many minutes to an hour.” Kooks answered. “Twelve. It’s the adults that messed up. There are 12 numbers on a clock. So twelve minutes on a clock for one hour is smarter. A clock doesn’t have 100 minutes!” The boy nurse smiled. “I have a compromise, Cait. If I may….” Cait looked up at him. “If I ask how many marks, and one mark is how many times the big hand hits a number so 12 marks make an hour, can you answer questions to the best of your ability if I do that?” “So, you letting me keep 12 minutes for one hour?” “Let’s call it 12 marks, so adults don’t get confused, too. After all, there are 12 numbers clearly marked. Marks will equal minutes to you and a number of minutes to us, but we will see the same passing time on a clock. Is that okay?” “Okay. Twelve marks is a one hour.” “How many marks, if you were guessing, do you think you waited this last time before you just peed your diaper?” “I promise, I waited as long as I can.” “I know. That’s what I’m worried about. Not that you peed your pants, but that maybe you didn’t pee your pants as fast as a normal kid would.” “Huh?” “Look, can you just answer. I promise, I’m worried about you taking longer to pee not if you pee it sooner.” “Okay. I had like 3 marks of no problem. Then maybe a long marks. I don’t know how long… it pre-pee. It means, pee try but nothing can see if I wear boy panties. Then I pee real pee and then two marks after real pee make my butt wet… it all came out.” “You don’t know how long these pre-pee marks lasted?” “No clock. I don’t know.” “Okay. I’ll get you a clock. We need to know, though.” “Why?” “I don’t know. The doctor just asked me to check. I think he’s worried about you huring yourself, but I’m not a doctor or even a real nurse yet, so I don’t know everything.” “Okay.” “Okay, when you peed this last time… let’s break it down… before anything, what you called pre-pee, and what you called real pee. Did you feel burning, hurting, or stomach pain during any of those points?” “Huh?” “Too fast?” Cait looked down. “I’m stu….” “No,” The boy nurse nearly scolded her. “No, Cait. You are ten. Even some adults ask me to say stuff again or slower. This isn’t how stupid you are, this is how good I’m learning, and I’m still a bit… well, stupid, when it comes to judging how fast or slow to say stuff to all patients, not just kids.” “Oh. But you not stupid! You made us find good talking to read clock the same by saying marks and not minutes.” The boy nurse nodded. “Well, yeah, but I had to. How were we going to meet in the middle with such different ideas?” Cait shrugged. “Okay, before you started to do your what you said were pre-pees. Did your stomach hurt, was it burning where you pee, or did you feel something bad?” “Before?” “Before.” “No.” “Okay, and during what you called pre-pee?” “I don’t think so. I don’t remember nothing feeling different.” And how about when you couldn’t stop peeing?” “It hurt when the water was coming out. It hurt like just a little but not a mark after it finished. Then it was normal.” “Did it hurt inside, or outside?” “It hurt on my skin, on top, for just a little bit. But it feels good now. It’s just really wet and slippery and slime and yucky.” “Good job telling me as much as you can about that. Now one last question.” “Yeah?” “Do you like vanilla or chocolate?” “Huh?” “Sorry, confused you, didn’t I? They has the cafeteria open right now and I saw some vanilla and choclate pudding down there along with some waffer cookies. So, do you like like vanilla or chocolate?” “With cookies?” “Yeah.” “Vanilla.” “Okay. Nurse Thelma should be in here in a few minutes to check your diaper and take some other vital signs.” “Can I ask a question before you leave?” “Sure.” “If you not a real nurse, or what did you mean, you not a nurse, yet?” “I’m what they call an intern. It means that I’m kind of between going to school and being at my first job. This position is almost like… well…, let’s see. You have a baby horse, right?” “Yeah.” “Are you a farmer?” “My Father in Mysery is. Daddy is a Dairy farmer, but he has horses, chickens, and some pigs, too.” “Okay, have you ever helped on the Dairy stuff?” “No. Just taking care some of the feed the animals.” “Okay…. That’s perfect. You are learning to feed the animals.” “Yeah.” “Do you get money for feeding them?” “No.” “But you help feed them.” “Yeah.” “Well, I’m learning some of the stuff nurses do, but I don’t get paid for it, yet. It’s okay though. I’m being taught at my level so I can learn how to help people. So, I’m kind of like the nurse’s kid helper.” “You don’t look like a kid… well… not a little kid. You look like big kid. Like in my group for kids that need help, there are two big really big like almost Daddy and Grandma age kids, but they there. They kids, so they can’t be the same number years old, but they big like that. Is that like you?” “Maybe.” “Okay.” Chapter 76 Nurse Thelma’s Intern Nurse Thelma came in just as the boy nurse walked out. Cait smiled and motioned her over. “Tell me, how did David do?” “David?” “The boy nurse that was just in here.” Cait smiled and put two thumbs up. “He asked questions and he didn’t even try to look. He just saw the owie and he asked questions… and… and… and he’s nice.” “Did he go slow enough?” “Yeah, but not the first time. He was talking all mixed up mouth like I get when I give a have to speech at school, and I’m stupid, so I scared everyone laugh me, so I want to do it fast. He maybe nervesed. But he knew I get mixed up so he asked in one thing at one time. And he going to say marks and not minutes on clock so we both understand when the big hand is ten. It ten marks. That way, I can call it minutes and he can call what you big people call it, but we both know what it meets.” Nurse Thelma. “I see,” she looked over at Daddy. “She has a special way of seeing time. There are more than a few things besides medical that makes us a little irritated at my wife’s cousin. But for you, her medical is what is important.” “You are right about that. I need to look in the diaper, Cait. If you have any pooping in there, I’ll wait so you can tell me first, okay?” “It just pee.” “Okay. May I open it and show you before throwing it out?” “Okay.” The nurse frowned. “Oh, my….” “I did bad?” “No, Cait. It’s not your diaper I’m seeing.” Cait drew air in her teeth. “What you seeing?” There was a sharpness and something was not right. “I think you’re getting a rash. See? This is partly what we worried would get in your hurt-y. But it’s worse than I thought it would be. This needs a doctor to see.” “Why?” Air went through her teeth again. Cait felt some pre-pee except that the nurse’s hand got wet. “Did you feel pain when you peed, Cait?” “It’s not the inside,” another breath. Another small stream of pee. “It’s okay. Try to finish, Cait. Pee all the way on the diaper, Cait. It’s okay. That’s where we want it, okay?” She sucked in more air in her teeth. The stinging seemed to sharped for a minute. Suddenly a flood of pee and the pain dulled until she stopped peeing and the pain full stopped. “Sit up, Cait. I want you to see. I want to show you what I’m looking at, and I want you to know two things. Peeing your pants didn’t make your skin do this just because you peed a couple of times. This is showing that your pee might have something going on inside your body, something that again, has nothing to do with you peeing. It’s actually, perhaps more related to you waiting too long. I wouldn’t be surprised if the doctor didn’t prescribe you medicine to make you pee more often without control.” “I thought the fix was to make me pee with my say so.” “Plans have changed, Cait. The real goal is, yes, for you to choose. But right now, something really bad is going on inside caused by you holding in your pee too much all the time. We need you stop holding it in on purpose. For how long… will depend on how bad Doctor Foster thinks it is.” “My skin got sores and tearing there.” “That happens when acidic pee eats at your skin, Cait. We will probably have to prescribe some very strong lotions and creams to treat the rash and keep the acid from attacking your body.” “And it’s not my fault.” “No. The fault is the system that made you do this to yourself. Children shouldn’t be holding their pee for over two hours. That’s one of the things David was supposed to find out, if you held it more than two hours.” “Two little hand movings? Two hours? No. I only make two big hand movings or three before the pre-pee started, but the real pee… I don’t know how long it was… so he going to get me a clock so I can check next time from when pre-pee starts to when I can’t stop it going pee all at once.” “Well, I don’t think we want you holding it anymore, at least not until the doctor says it’s okay, Cait. The longer pee is in your system, the longer it has to make your system sick.” “Can I still go home today?” Cait’s eyes burned and she shook. “I don’t want to be in here forever!” “Cait, I’m not the doctor. I don’t know if keeping you will reduce the problem or not. You have to ask Doctor Foster if you need to stay, and ask him why. He will tell you, if you ask.” Cait shook. “Okay.” “You want to get out sooner?” “Yeah?” “Learn to pee sooner and force it out… in your pants or diaper, Cait. Just until the doctor says you can choose again. Right now, the urgency is whether you need a catheter and if you need special medicine. Special medicine can be taken at home if you take it. Needing a catheter will require nurses to take careful measurements to make sure you are peeing enough. So, if you are holding it on purpose… try to pee on purpose. If you can’t help it, and it’s just stuck in there, that’s a different problem, and we may need to keep you longer, Sweetheart.” “Okay.” Nurse Thelma turned to Daddy. “I’m sorry to have to tell your little girl that she needs to wet her pants out right, but right now, she’s likely used to holding it beyond you knowing it. This is definitely abuse caused. I am going to have to send someone to your cousins. If you get in the way of that, I’ll have to re-evaluate if Cait belongs in your home, too.” Daddy hung his head. “Now.” Grandma frowned. “They live in Missouri.” “That does make it a little harder. I will be in contact with social services. If they can do anything, expect to hear from your cousin within the next month. I will warn you, that if you do anything to interfere including warn them…. You can be held accountable. Watch what the little one sends in the mail. Make sure that at least for a month, no one says anything. If nothing happens in a month, Social Services is probably powerless to do anything.” “Yes ma’am. We’ll watch the little one’s letters.” “I’m not allowed to write Grainne?” “Who’s Grainne, sweetheart?” “My sister!” “No one is saying you can’t write your sister. You can tell her everything except that the hospital is going to be talking to the police about your home life.” “But my sisters didn’t do nothing!” Nurse Thelma sighed. “The system isn’t fair Cait. Your sisters will not be the ones in trouble, but that doesn’t make them not feel like they are in trouble. Even so, if you write and sneak a message to your sister, you will get your Grandma and Daddy in trouble.” “Oh.” “Unless they are the ones hurting you?” Cait shook her head as fast and hard as her heart could. “Daddy been telling Daddy when he dropped me off that I smart and Grandma gives Daddy the look. You know. Like if you are a teacher and you a kid did something, but you can’t prove it?” “If I promise to pee my pants all the time on purpose, I can go home?” Cait asked. “Hon. It’s up to the doctor,” Nurse Thelma frowned. “But if your situation is manageable at home, yes, the doctor would have less a reason to keep you here… if it’s not just a promise, Cait. It’s real…. Diaper checks pee fully loaded as fast as you can and calling to get changed.” “I promise. I’ll pee and poop my pants on purpose.” Nurse Thelma sighed. “Well, you do what you can. But remember, whatever the doctor decides, it will be to help you the most, okay?’ “Okay.” The nurse sighed, and she put Cait in a diaper. “You have a lot to think about. Before you just start peeing your pants on purpose, I suggest you do talk to your big people. It will help you understand what you’re promising to do if you go home, and if the doctor thinks you are not doing it, you might end up back here again, and maybe longer. Not because you did anything wrong but because you might have hurt your body worse.” “Huh?” “Talk it over with your big people. You need to do that, first Cait. I will always be here to listen, but sometimes, you need time to think about what you are choosing before you are just forced to talk, okay?’ “Okay.” Cait pulled Kooks closer to her and she held him up. He didn’t say anything. There was no chomp. The nurse was telling the truth. That was scary. If Kooks had chomped, even if it meant the nurse lied, it would have been less scary. Chapter 77 The Talk When it was just Daddy, Grandma, and Cait, the adults sat on the edges of her bed, near her, and they hugged her a moment. “You understand why they might not want you to leave the hospital today, don’t you, Cait?” Cait looked down. “Because my body is hurt again, but different?” “And whose fault do you think that is?” Cait put Kooks up to her mouth. “Not Cait’s fault?” “That’s right,” Grandma rubbed her arm. “Being hurt for a long time makes hurts you don’t see until the main hurt is starting to fix, or I should say, the main one that was first noticed. But sometimes, the found hurt…,” Sean frowned. “That sounds confusing even to me.” “What Daddy means to say, is that sometimes one hurt is seen easier than another. Sometimes, the hidden hurt is worse than the one found, and sometimes it’s not. We don’t know in this case which is worse. But the nurse hopes that the hernia was the worst one. She hopes that the hidden one is not that bad, but she did get scared when she saw what it did.” Cait frowned. “How come it didn’t make my skin like that before… when I peed before the surgery.” Grandma and Daddy looked at each other confused. Cait didn’t think they knew the answer. Even Kooks was making threatening chomps at the air. Cait sighed. “We can ask the doctor, can’t we?” “Of course,” Daddy nodded in agreement. “You should ask him, baby. I’ll be right there when you do, so if he doesn’t understand, we’ll help you ask him. It’s your body, you have a right to hear the doctor tell you.” Cait smiled. “It’s not my fault.” “No,” Daddy rubbed her back. “It’s not your fault. Now, about going home. You know we want you to go home, don’t you?” Cait looked into his eyes. Kooks didn’t fully chomp, but he did nibble on a string on of the world. “No, you don’t. You’re scared,” Cait frowned up at Daddy. “Your heart wants me to be able to go home, but its not the same as you think I go home is good thing. You know something.” “Well, no, I don’t know anything,” Daddy said. “I am afraid of something, but I don’t know it is true. That’s why I want you to ask the doctor. I want to not say what I’m afraid of.” Kooks moved in front of Cait’s mouth. “If you say it, it might be true, but if you don’t say it….” Kooks became quiet. “That’s spot on, isn’t it? Damn those schools that said you are stupid. You are a lot smarter than they ever gave you credit for. So you can’t read at grade level, maybe if you had the magnifier all along, and a good teacher that wouldn’t be the case. So you can’t read a clock the same as the rest of the world does… still the fault of those that taught you time. You invented a time telling of your own because you didn’t know the world one. That’s being intelligent. That’s being smart, Cait. You know that, right?” Cait smiled. “I’m smart. I just see it different from other people.” “That’s right!” Chapter 78 Assessment Sean was reading with Cait again, but they were just going over the pages from 1 to 25 to help Cait remember what was happening from this book. She loved the story so much, she wanted to make sure she understood all the interesting things in the book. That’s when suddenly, Nurse Thelma came in again. “Cait, I need a word with your Grandma and your Daddy, and then they will help me explain some stuff. I am not used to talking to you so I want to, but if they understand what is going on first, then if I confuse you, they can help me. Is that okay?” “Yeah. Thank you for telling me why you want to tell them first.” Cait turned the television on while the nurse took her big people into the hallway to help them understand in adult language what was happening. When they came back, Grandma sat down next to Cait first while Daddy and Nurse Thelma continued to talk to the side about what parts were essential that Cait understands while the nurse cautioned about parts that could be confusing and scary for a child. “Cait?” Grandma rubbed her arm. “Doctor Foster, he’s nice enough, right?” “Yeah?” she turned the television off. “Well, the rash news got him really worried like the nurse said it would. He hasn’t made any decisions yet….” “Okay. So it’s bad?” “Well, he doesn’t know, Cait. So, what he has asked, is that the nurses check inside your diaper every hour.” “That’s a lot. I don’t gotta pee that much?” “Well, the doctor isn’t sure that’s true. But it’s not just that. Your skin is really hurt, baby. I think it’s more about trying to understand how the skin got this bad in just a few hours.” “I didn’t do bad?” “No, Cait. You’re hurt. You should have been seeing a doctor for a long time, and even the doctor wanted you get help not last Monday but the Monday before, remember? He had to follow procedures though since we weren’t legally allowed to take you then. Remember how mad he was at the system?” “Yeah,” Cait giggled, but she wasn’t sure why she giggled. It was serious. Still, the doctor’s face was funny when the hospital told him that he couldn’t do the surgery without the paper and insurance. “If she’s checking all the time, how will I pee without it going on the bed or her hands sometimes? It… Sometimes, I can control it… but sometimes, it just comes out.” “She’s a nurse, Cait. You won’t be the first kid that’s peed on her hands, hon.” “Honest?” “You can ask her if you like. I’ll be right there. It’s always best to ask the person straight when you can.” “Okay.” Cait noticed that Daddy was nodding and stepping aside letting Nurse Thelma come closer to the bed now. “Cait, let me help you understand why I’ll need to do two things that we didn’t talk about before, but these are the doctor’s requests to help determine if you can go home today…. I’m not trying to break my word to you. I know it might feel like I am. I am sorry. But your condition is worse than we thought, and we need to keep you dry.” “What you telling me that you changing on me? I don’t want other nurses to watch me pee.” “I know, sweetheart. But I am one person, and the doctor has made it clear, we need to keep up on this more. Now, my intern, you met him….” “David?” “Yeah. He’s going to have a stop watch with him. He’s going to be reminding me to check you when it’s time. When I am too busy, he will have to pull down your diaper.” “And he’ll be looking at how gross I….” “Cait, no. He will show you your diaper as you requested so no one can lie, but his primary concern is first, get you dry if the diaper is wet. Second, to check the rash and report to me if it’s bleeding, if it’s growing, and if it’s tearing more. We need to know how deep this is. The doctor thinks it might be worse than we are seeing because maybe you didn’t scratch at it before or maybe something caused you to scratch more at it since being in the hospital.” “I did bad? I scratched? It was itching!” “No. Hon. Everyone scratches irritation. But we do need to try to keep it from getting scratched. So we will be putting stuff on your private places, and that’s the second thing. I have to do it, even if you say ‘no’. It’s not to punish you or to take away your voice, but even with an adult in our care, if it’s something that is going to make you sick, we do have to sometimes do things against the patient’s wants.” “You do this if I was twenty-two?” “That’s right, little lady. Your skin is that sick. It’s going to help you. I am not asking permission this time. I am telling you what has to be done. Do you want to see the medicine we have to put on your pee pee place?” “Okay. But especially David. What if…?” “What if what, Cait?” “If you checking my diaper every hour, sometimes it just comes out. If you check me before I’m wet, and I am about to go… what if it goes on the bed or on… on… on your clothes?” “Little lady, if he can’t handle a little bit of little girl pee, he doesn’t deserve to be a nurse. We get pee on us all the time along with a lot of other stuff. Poop, puke, blood, just about everything you can think of. That’s a nurse’s job, to ignore the fluids because the fluids are not the problem. The reason the fluids are behaving they they do is the problem, and it’s never the patient’s fault. No one wants to pee their pants, hon. Not even a scared little ten year old like you.” “Okay.” “Now, I’ve talked to the doctor and we are going to break protocol if Grandma follows very strictly what we tell her to do.” “What that meets?” “When I am busy and David is inspecting the healing of your sore, when he determines medicine should be put on, he does have to watch to make sure it’s done right. The idea we even let a person touch a patient that’s not medical trained is not done. So you have to accept he has to watch. But he will let Grandma do it, if grandma does exactly what I’m about to do now….” “So he doesn’t touch?” Cait asked. “He doesn’t touch more than he has to, hon. If you feel he does something he shouldn’t… do you remember the right to tell the doctor on me? Well, you can tell me or the doctor on him if you are afraid he touched you in a way you don’t like. This is about healing people, not making things worse.” “Okay.” “Now, Grandma has to come over the sink here… see?” And she waited for Cait’s eyes to follow her over. “She has to wash her hands… put on these gloves, new ones each time, that I will leave here by the sink….” All the time, Nurse Thelma was doing it. Then, she sprays this alcohol on her gloves. This kills anything that we can’t see in the air before you are touched. Then she can put the medicine on.” Nurse Thelma came back and she showed Cait the first one. “This helps to restore your skin’s natural moisture, but not making it wet… unnaturally like sitting in pee does.” Cait nodded. The nurse went all the way through what Grandma does. Then she said “David has to look after she’s done, and he closes the diaper if he’s the one that needed to check. If I check, I’ll do all the steps. I need to do more steps than we are letting David do. That way, it’s more comfortable for you. And it won’t hurt not to be thorough every time as long as we are thorough enough to make sure you don’t get more sick, and I do check enough times that once or twice won’t matter.” “Okay.” After Nurse Thelma was done she covered Cait and she patted her head. “You were so brave listening to everything and allowing me to do things that I couldn’t ask your permission because they are necessary to make you feel better.” Cait smiled. “I like you.” The third time the hour came around to be checked, and Cait was still dry, she sighed. It was getting to be in the way of her watching television, enjoying her book, or even trying to write a letter to Grainne. She looked as the door opened, but this time, Doctor Foster was there with Nurse Thelma. “I need to take a look at what all the fuss is about,” Doctor Foster told Cait. “They say some little girl might pee on the sheets.” he touched her nose. “Seriously, though, Cait, it’s important to see what is going on.” “Will I have to stay here?” “I don’t know yet, little lady. Let me see what we have. They have taken tissue samples, and I’ve seen the labs telling me of possible causes. I more need to see what it’s doing to your skin. I’ll have to clean up around it to get a good look. Is that alright?” “Yeah.” He cleaned her and prodded a little, and then taking the gloves off, he nodded at Nurse Thelma to change me. There was a little bit of pee that got on his hand while he was checking, the moment before he remove his hand to let her finish peeing. “Well, it’s not as bad as I at first feared,” he sighed in relief. “It’s still bad and needs to be watched carefully. She will need to wear pajamas and probably something tight enough she can’t get her hands into her pants when she’s sleeping to lessen the impact of her scratching in her sleep….” “She can come home?” Grandma asked. “She can. But she’s to wear pants to bed with a belt to keep her hands out of inside her pants. That will lessen the scratching on her in her sleep. She will need to be watched during the day, carefully, and if you see her holding herself, you clean her up and assume she’s peeing her pants even if you don’t see it right away. Take her to the toilet at three hour intervals, and if she acts like she’s going to scratch, then check her before that. Keep medicine on her when possible….” He went through all the care in front of Cait, even putting Cait partly on his lap. “She’ll mend, if you watch her carefully. Now, what of her brothers and sisters? If she’s been neglected, I wouldn’t be surprised if all her sisters pee their pants.” “Only Roisin… mostly,” Cait whispered. “And sometimes… only because she holds it so she can take care us… but sometimes… my oldest sister, Grainne.” “Dan is supposed to have taken them to the doctor last Monday. I made sure they had the money so they didn’t need to rely on DHS.” “I’m afraid the hospitals will not do much with cash, Sean. The sad truth is, cash to check is not a promise of payment when the problem proves to be more than a fix they can throw a drug at. Your cousin doesn’t have Insurance?” “No sir.” The doctor sighed. “Well, let’s get this child recovered, and then maybe we can tackle having Dan putting the other two daughters under your insurance at a later time. I don’t like it, but I dare say your insurance company is fighting you as it is?” “They have approved Cait until December for now.” “December? That’s very optimistic of them.” “Well, Dan’s power of attorney expires then. Unless I can get him to extend it, and he won’t until December or until Cait stops peeing her pants.” The doctor shook his head. “Even if we called CPS on him, DHS wouldn’t really help them much more. I don’t really know what to do about this, other than to ask you to try to get him to change his mind. I don’t expect this child to stop peeing herself until she’s mentally healthy again.” “That mean my peeing isn’t still my control?” Cait asked. “Yes, little lady, that’s what it means. You are starting to medically mend, but what what your physical body does… is still controlled by your brain. Your brain is still trapped in a terrible loop of doubt, fear, and self-blame. I am not qualified to address those or insurance wouldn’t be your problem. However. I do know the hot headed Harmony. She’s fought for other kids before. If I have a word with her… we might be able to make it possible for you to continue seeing her as long as you make a payment plan with her office after the insurance runs out.” Daddy smiled. “I will most certainly keep up with that as much as I can.” “I know you will. And there are state moneys to help, if you get her called your foster child. The state moneys won’t help with everything, and they won’t cover even half of what you need, but they will help.” Daddy smiled. “Well, help is help. But the problem is she isn’t our Foster kid.” “Not yet…,” the doctor smiled. “However, if this Dan doesn’t have money for insurance, and it is kind of a lie. I won’t have any real power behind it, but still, official letters scare people in his position. If my office wrote him a letter that said we are thinking about actionable consequences if he doesn’t allow her to stay under your care… and as long a she’s still his kid, that means child support, but if he signs papers making you her foster dad, then he no longer has to pay child support and we drop all considerations….” Cait frowned. She didn’t understand everything they were saying. What she did know, was they were going to lie to Father, and they were going to scare him into giving her to the Kinsellas. “I love my father and my sisters and my mom,” Cait looked up at the doctor. “You can’t do that. And if he thinks it is anything to do with my doing, he’ll hit Grainne thinking she told me to do it.” Doctor Foster looked at Cait, tapped his pen on his lap, and then touched her nose. “What if you didn’t have anything to do with it? What if we looked at it as you’ll be in the middle of a school year. The letter will tell your Dad that the school found that you peed your pants again. We’ll have to wait for September, but that won’t be a lie unfortunately. I don’t see how you don’t still pee your pants, hon. But then we write this from the school perspective. If you pull your kid out of the school, we’ll assume you are trying to run, and that won’t look good on an investigation…?” Cait looked up at him. “You still lying to Father.” “Yes, Cait. I am. I want him to give your uncle power of attorney until at least next summer. That should at least get you started with your care. And Harmony will take payments without insurance if she has to. I’ve seen her do it before.” Cait looked up at him. “The school letter will make it sound like I’m just still peeing my pants, and then it will tell him if I get taken out of school, he’ll be in trouble for that, and not because I peed?” “That’s right. I will make it sound as if, and I would if it were true, that I told the school that you are recovering from multiple problems due to not solving a severe medical problem as soon as it started. I’ll say I understand DHS and other doctors dealing with them don’t always do their job right meaning he’s not even to blame for the medical stuff.” “That’s a lie?” Cait wondered more than thought it was true. “No. DHS and doctors that deal with it are limited in the care they give. Anything they do extra comes out of their pocket. For one person, it wouldn’t bother them, but they see hundreds of people like that over a year. That would be unrealistic to make a doctor pay.” “What meets un real stitic?” “It means it’s not a goal that a doctor can do.” “Okay.” Cait knew the doctor was lying about more than one thing at once in his letter to her father, but what she left the office that evening think was…. “Kooks? The doctor says the school thinks it bad to move in the middle of the year, and that if I move, then they think Daddy hiding something.” “Well…, he kind of is, Cait. If he took you out in the middle of the year, it would be from being scared.” “Scared?” “He knows that the doctor found out you get hit. It’s hard to hide those deep hurts from a doctor. He knows schools can take kids for hurts. So, he is hiding something. He’s hiding your hurts and moving you where they can’t check.” “Yeah?” “And the system, if it worked, would know you don’t just sit there and pee. It’s because of the two rules. The school’s rule of waiting forty minutes, and Daddy’s rule, once you start to pee, if you move, you get hurt or Grainne gets hurt for you.” “Yeah. That’s true.” “You two are so stupid…,” the ghost slowly crept into view from out of just-an air-appearing. “Daddy would gladly give Cait to the Kinsellas with foster whatever they called it if it didn’t mean they would take Grainne and Clodagh. Without your big sisters to help, he can’t try to keep the farm and find what little work he does in town, too.” Cait looked at Kooks. Kook shook his head. “Cait, you know there’s nothing to chomp there. What I know of your Father and you being sent here anyway, the ghost didn’t lie.” “So, I’m bad?” Chomp. “That is the lie, Cait. What people do, is what they do. The reason can still be a lie.” Cait sighed as Kooks settled and the ghost just faded. There was no conflict. The ghost had meant to bring it, but Kooks only chomp at Cait’s words, ‘So, I’m bad?’ The ghost simply had no answer for this. It was the first time Kooks Chomped at Cait instead of the ghost. In the background, the hum of the doctor’s voice was starting to finish. The hospital stuff with beeps and dit dit dats of printing things from the things that measured what bodies do, Cait’s eyes nearly closed as the doctor touched her nose. Cait’s eyes opened and saw him smiling. “Now, try not to scratch, little lady. We need it to get better, not get bigger sores, okay?” Cait smiled because his face… she couldn’t describe it at the moment. It was… not a harsh ‘I know what I’m doing’ man talking down at a child, but a kind gentle uncle-like face that says to her inner heart, ‘I hear you, and you are smart.’ Nurse Thelma rubbed her arm as Daddy picked her up, and patted her butt much as if she was a toddler in his arms, but he earned the right to do that. He had been with her through all of this, and she was safe with him. The scene pulled back towards the window of the room where a small fly sat looking around at the bed that was still messed up, the shiny white walls and matching floor and ceiling making it seem cleaner than it was, and the last of the machines that was still in the room was darkened and quiet. Cait’s thumb pushed itself into her mouth the crook of her elbow holding Kooks snuggly though he was also pinned to her shirt. Daddy was starting to walk with the doctor out of the room. His chest was a barrel of comfortable heat against the side of her face and ear. She felt a breath of a sigh escape. The fly slipped out of the room before the door closed, and it watched overhead as they approached the elevators. The people walking in the halls and other sounds were losing their focus to her ears. Her arms felt like they just rested from holding a gazzilion pounds over her head. They were now like wet noodles. The outside doors of the hospital shooshed open and her eyes were closing. She didn’t make it to the car before she was asleep even though it was still just late afternoon. She had no idea of what time it was, but she knew it wasn’t dinner time yet. Cait felt herself being lifted up again, when she next realized she was waking up. Her hands went right to her pants, but Daddy gently but firmly moved her hands up to his neck. “Cait, hon, we’re getting some early supper at McDonalds. We also need to help you change your pants, sweetheart. You’ve peed.” Cait looked at him in the eye. “It’s okay? I’m allowed?” “Of course, sweetheart. No one is mad. I just need to take care of it because the doctor said it’s very important that we help you for a while when you pee because of your sore, remember?” “Oh, yeah. The itches?” “That’s right, baby. Does it hurt?” “No. Just gross.” “Grandma’s getting your bag of stuff. We’ve gotten the pants that the doctor said to get you for sleeping in, actually a few pairs of them and a cute little belt that is hopefully a little tricky for you.” “Why tricky?” “Because you’re a clever girl, and the doctor said the purpose of the belt is to keep you from getting your hands in your pants because people tend to scratch at irritations in their sleep.” “Ear a shuns?” “That right, sweetheart. Itchy-the-ditchies?” Cait giggled. “Itchy-the-ditchies? I like that phrase. I sounds funny!” She felt some pee leak and she squeezed her legs. “No, Cait,” Uncle patted her butt lightly, but Cait understood that even though it didn’t hurt, it was like his spank. “You are not supposed to hold it. Wet ‘em, hon. It’s okay. The doctor is afraid of your bladder getting more sick. Pee all the way out, hon.” “Pee on you on purpose?” “Yes, baby! I’m your Daddy. It’s supposed to be safe to wet your pants when Daddy has you, hon. I just don’t want you getting more sick. Until the doctor says, you move slow and if you have to squeeze to hold it, then you pee, hon.” “Okay.” She opened her legs slightly and started to flood her pants. As she did, she held him tighter with her arms. “That’s a good girl,” Daddy rubbed her back. “I know it’s embarrassing, but we’ll get this taken care of so you have a choice—but we do it right. We don’t rush it because we don’t want to hurt you worse, okay?” Cait just shook as she held around his neck tighter until the gross pee stopped pushing into her panties and for moments, it also caused her to draw in breath through her teeth. It made the itchy part sting a little bit moments after she had stopped peeing. Daddy kissed the side of her face. “It’s okay, sweetheart. We’ll get you clean. Grandma has medicine to help the owies and the itches, hon.” She didn’t notice when they had gone into the restaurant, but only that suddenly, all three of them were in the bathroom together. It was a small bathroom, the kind with a locking door because it only had one toilet in there. Grandma helped Cait back to her feet for a moment to help her get her pants and panties off while Daddy just kept a hand on her shoulder to let her know he was there. Ordering food was not his priority. Cait was. Cait felt it in the way his gentle eyes held her even though tears started to slide down her cheeks. She wasn’t sad exactly. She just felt helpless that she had to be changed like a baby. She felt Auntie trying to tell her top pull her own pants down making her feel as capable as possible, and she felt Uncle brush a tear from her cheek. Daddy doesn’t do this. Not the other Daddy. He would tell her to sit in her wet pants and eat if she wants to be gross. But Daddy, right here, he’s going to order food in peed on clothes because he said that it’s safe to pee her pants on Daddy. Why can’t all Daddies be like Sean? Why? Grandma squatted by the toilet and she showed Cait the three kinds of medicines the doctor wanted on her skin. “This medicine will help with healing, sweetheart. It makes the skin feel encouraged to close around the sores that are trying to open because of the acid and your accidental scratching. Even though we have a way to keep your pants on you at night, it won’t stop you scratching over the top of the, and you will scratch in the day. It’s human nature. Daddy and Grandma might sound irritated when we tell you to stop, but we aren’t mad at you. We are just frustrated because we are trying to tell you not to do something that we know we’d have a hard time ourselves with, but it needs to be limited.” “Grandma? I won’t scratched.” “Don’t promise that, Cait. It will just set you up to fail. This is a very complex and difficult problem. Of course you’ll try not to scratch. I understand your desire to try to obey, but this isn’t about obeying, sweetheart. It’s about doing what is best for you. So sometimes, you can’t help it, but that’s why we have this second medicine. We we see you scratching, or when you feel really itchy, you can ask and we’ll check if you peed when we do since we’ll have your pants down anyway, and let you pee in the potty even if there’s anything in there… but we put this on you anytime you feel the itchy-whatever Daddy called it.” “The Itchy-the-ditchies?” “Yeah,” Grandma giggled. “And finally this medicine protects your skin keeping it’s natural moisture inside while trying to keep acidic pee and other moisture out of the itchy places.” “So I need all three on when I change my pants?” “That’s right, hon.” “Can I do it?” “How about Grandma does the first two because you’ll be tempted to itch. Then we’ll see how effective the itchy medicine is. If it helps you not scratch, I’ll teach you to do the protective layer yourself. Eventually, if you keep wetting, we should teach you to do all three, but we have the summer to do that, and we are supposed to watch it for now, so can Grandma just do the two and you do the one for a while?” “Okay.” Once the medicine was on, and Cait looked up at Grandma. “It hurts a little bit. You do the last one. I don’t want to touch it.” Grandma hugged her. “It hurts because your skin is crying loud, hon. It needs to heal, but it doesn’t like anything on it because it is too used to the pee picking at it. It’s okay. Grandma will do all three for a while, until the stinging calms down, okay?” Grandma finished getting her fixed up, and then she held out some clean boy panties for her, and she stepped in. These were different boy panties though. They weren’t the kind she got before. She wasn’t even sure they would hold her pee against her and keep it from letting pre-pees come out and down her legs. The legs of them were longer, and they fit more loose. “Grandma? These won’t help stop the pre-pees. I’m going to show real pee faster in these.” “I’m sorry, hon. Doctor’s orders. He said to get you some looser unders for a while. And Sean, Daddy, I mean, said that we’ll just stick to the boy theme to reinforce that it’s just underwears so you aren’t scared to go back to the boy panties when you get more control, but don’t want to fully wear girl ones yet in case you still leak a little.” Cait put a finger in her mouth. “I know, hon. But remember? You’re allowed to pee. Anyway, Grandma wants to see the pre-pees. If I see you starting to need the toilet soon, and we are at home, we can start taking you, but you walk at the pace I set, even if it’s coming out. The doctor said not to run, okay?” “So, if I can’t hold it and it’s wetting?” “You don’t hold it. That’s the point, hon. You wet on the way to the potty… even if you don’t get any in the potty. The point isn’t that you make it right now. It’s that you keep trying so that you don’t lose the dignity that you know what you are supposed to do. You don’t have to freeze and pee where you are.” “Okay.” Once Cait had a skirt on, a clean one, Daddy picked her up again and kissed her cheek. “Are you okay? Remember, if you pre-pee, you’re not supposed to hold it. Let it all out if you pre-pee.” “Even in the restaurant?” “Yes, baby. No matter where you are. You can ask to be taken to the potty so people at least see you trying go go potty, but you wet on the way. You need to not hold it until the doctor says it’s safe for your insides again.” “And nobody will be mad?” “Nobody important will be mad, and Grandma and I are here to tell them that shaming a medical problem in a child is worse than even a child purposefully pooping her panties right there in front of them. That will shut them up, hon. This isn’t anyone’s right to shame you for needing to heal.” They walked out while he patted her butt while carrying her to order food. “Now, what would you like to eat? How about a shake, or an apple pie?” “Both?” “Okay, but get some real food, too, Cait.” Daddy bought Cait the Chicken nugget, fries, and small shake happy meal and got her an apple pie, just like he said he would. Of course, that was no surprise to her, but just the same, it made her forget about the deeper stuff. For a minute, she felt like she was a little younger. She pretended to feed a fry to her constant companion, Kooks, who was always pinned to a leash that clipped to her shirts these days so she wouldn’t lose him. “Tomorrow Sunday,” Cait smiled.” “It is Sunday,” Daddy nodded. “Well, only, if I not allowed to run to make it…. Last Sunday, I peed my pants in front of everyone. Do I have to pee my pants in front of everyone at Sunday School again?” “Cait, actually, we’re keeping you with us if we go to Sunday School tomorrow. Your doctor needs us to watch and keep you clean if you pee. We won’t know if you peed if you are in Sunday School, will we?” Cait shook her head. “No, you stay with us. We can tell your class you’ll go back soon, but right now, you need to be watched for medical reasons.” “Okay.” Cait let Daddy pick her up again when they started for home. “Can I talk to Summerstone when we get home, just for a little while?” Cait asked from the backseat. Chapter 79 And Then, Cait Got Mad A cloud that looked down from high overhead, saw the brilliant timekeeper slowly setting the gray particles in the air ablaze in orange and red as it slipped further down towards under the horizon. Shadows fell long and deep along the ground. And glowing little bubbles of light started to slowly appear into the night. Over one house, along the long dirt road that many ranchers, farmers, and country folk used, the cloud sat listening to the joyous victory of a child achieving one more abstract level in life, perhaps, a girl turning from ten to eleven years of age. But that house was not the farm where our little ten year old Cait was pulling into. No, it may not have even been in the same neighborhood, maybe not the same city, nor even in the same state. Cait, however, came home in a different kind of victory. She was a little different. She was still scared. She still had her ghost and her little immature stuffed bear pinned to her shirt, and she knew when she woke up in the morning, she’d either be sitting in wet clothes, have pre-pee in her panties, or if she was fortunately, she’d get to in front of the bathroom, and then pee on the floor. But what was different… was that she had a voice. It was a weak, small voice, made by holding up a stuffed bear who spoke for her, but that voice wasn’t afraid to say… “That’s a lie.” Grandma looked back at Cait who was bouncing up and down in her seat, and more so the closer they got to the farm. No, she didn’t need the toilet and she didn’t have the pre-pees. She was nearly pre-pee excited to see her baby, and it felt like a hundred years since she had seen Summerstone. For all she knew, he could be a fully capable riding horse, but that was Cait’s inside. In truth only a few days had passed. “Are we there yet?” she was saying yet again even as she saw the house come into view. Her hands were jittery against the black belt across her lap wanting to get it off her and get the door open. She was scooting up and down in her seat, and her legs were bouncing so profoundly, that Grandma actually asked. “Cait? You’re not supposed to hold it, hon. Remember?” “What?” Cait asked a finger in her mouth and her eyes scrunched up in confusion at Grandma, almost making the face she’d seen her sisters, her dad, and even Daddy make when they didn’t get something. Then she burst in a single “HA!” not quite a laugh, but still a happy sound. “Oh, I don’t feel like that! It’s Summerstone! Daddy said I can see Summerstone, and the car isn’t off, and I want to rip this seat strap thingy off my lap and run out to the back!” Grandma laughed. “Well, we are going to in the bathroom for a moment so I can look at your sore first and make sure you aren’t accidentally holding it, then you can spend as long as you need outside, but remember… however long you are out there… if it feel like… and you are not in the house….” “I promise,” Cait pulled the belt off of her. “I promise, Grandma. Just hurry up and lets get inside so you can check and I can go see Summerstone! He must be my age by now!” Cait ran outside in just her panties, Grandma having given up on trying to finish dressing her after she did tinkle a little tiny bit in the toilet, and Grandma put medicine on her and the boy-undie-shorts that they bought her. These boy-undie-shorts… she didn’t see the point in them at all. Girl panties… Well… those were probably not allowed by a doctor. They were like… probably keep pee right by her place where the doctor doesn’t want it… so she’d have to wear something else. At least it wasn’t a diaper! She saw Liam out there! Wait, did she even see his dad’s car? She was in such a hurry, she now thought…. “Kooks? Did you see another car?” The Bear shrugged. The ghost seemed to slowly appear with its finger in its mouth. “You didn’t see the car, did you?” “Did you?” Cait asked. “Well, Liam is here, isn’t he?” “Yeah.” Cait ran up to the stable and called out. “That’s MY BABY! I can do that!” She was eyeing him brushing her baby down. Liam looked up at her from sitting on the stool next to the colt. “Well, I thought you’d be in the hospital until next week. I just wanted to take care of something that was Cait’s since she gave me a priceless looking card that looks official.” Cait giggled. “That was a peed on by accident card, and you know it.” “I don’t care what was on it, Cait. It was given with love just the same. And I value my friends.” Cait smiled. “Okay. You earned Summerstone time. But he’s still MY BABY!” “Yes, he is, Cait. And I am sure he’s be-he-he en waiting for you fo-ho-hor e-he-hever!” Cait giggled. “You do horse voices really good!” She walked right up to him and hugged him. He was family. She didn’t care if he saw her in boy panties or not. He wouldn’t tell on her. Cait started to sit and brush her colt. “Can you babysit me so I can come in after dark?” “Sure.” “I met this boy this week. It made me start wondering. If I am ten, and I pee my pants… and this boy is like fourteen…. He’s littler than you, but he still lots older than me. And he pees when he is scared about time…. And don’t you tell no body, either. He’s my best friend in that group. But if he does it…. How many people really do pee on accident?” Liam frowned. “I don’t know. I never thought about it.” “So you haven’t?” “No… well, at least not since I was in elementary school. I don’t remember my last accident. Maybe I was your age. You’re just going into fourth grade, right?” “Fifth,” Cait sighed. “I am too old….” Liam frowned. “Who says peeing is an age thing. You just said your friend is fourteen years old. I was just guessing because I didn’t remember how old you were, and I wasn’t guessing because of you peeing, Cait.” “Okay.” “If I ever ever introduce you to Holly, a girl I had a crush on when I was in middle school, you don’t want me to tell on Shane’s Secret… promise you won’t tell on my first crush’s secret….” He looked down and his face was read. Cait looked into his face. There was something fond in the memory. Liam either still liked her, or he still loved the memory. “I will never tell your secrets. We secret buddies, okay?” “Spit-shake?” Liam asked. Cait tilted her had a little, put a finger in her mouth, and asked. “What’s that?” “It’s kind of the way a farmer makes a promise that is stronger than just a word promise. It’s a pact that if you break it, it’s worse than breaking a promise. I mean, you spit on your hand and then shake the other person’s hand with spit on their hand. Can you break a promise like that… where you share spit?” Cait’s eyes got big. “Father at home would be sooo… Mad-Angry-bully stomping a snake mad if I spit on my hand.” She narrowed her eyes. “Daddy’s not here, and she spat on her hand. The excitement of it made some pre-pee she didn’t know she had go into her undies. Not even realizing she pre-peed a little more, she waited for him to take her hand, and they shook it, and Cait kept his hand longer than necessary, thriving in holding on to this gross detail as in saying… “Daddy? It’s gross, and I don’t care!” in her own mind. “He’s my friend. He is here, you now, and he says I can pee and you say that I’m stupid. So there!” Kooks cheered. “Yeah, Dan! Leave her alone!” The ghost immediately faded out of existence. Cait immediately started peeing while still shaking his hand. Then she sat down in her wet panties and started to brush Summerstone again. “So you were saying about Holly?” “It’s kind of embarrassing,” Liam’s red face couldn’t show it more if he tried. “But it wasn’t even a situation anyone with a good bladder could help, and well, I don’t know what her private matters are….” Cait turned to face him. “There was a huge storm scare around September when we were in eighth grade. It was really scary. And the school decided that we’ll stay in the classroom, just one classroom, for like… I don’t even remember, to tell the truth. But it felt like… well, honestly, it felt like days, but it couldn’t have been more than four or five hours. Still that was a long time….” Cait looked down. “Did she…?” “Yeah. She was crying and afraid of everyone calling her gross until she realized she wasn’t the only girl and for that matter, a couple of boys too… had done it. But then it was okay. But… what’s embarrassing, is I though she was cute at first, when she did… until she started crying. Then I felt like a jerk for thinking it cute for a thirteen year old girl to pee her pants in front of everyone.” Cait looked down. “At least you have feelings and understood her feeling. I take your being a jerk for a minute any day.” They sat in the quiet for a bit, Cait in her soaked boy-short-panties and Liam squatting nearby while she brushed her horse. He stroked her hair. “You go on being Cait,” Liam told her. “I don’t mean the pee-pee. That part is personal and whatever happens, happens, but keep asking. Keep trying to understand people. And please, when you feel strong, remember who you are. I think you’re going to help someone someday, and that’s going to be because you have the courage to ask ‘why?’” Cait kept brushing Summerstone though in truth, if she wasn’t intent on spending as much of the night as she could with him, she’d have wandered off hours ago because he was already brushed out. “You keep being a jerk that made right your mean think. Someday, a girl like Holly or me, will see it, and it will be just right, what we need to see then that helps someone.” Liam’s dad, Arnold came to the gate of the stable, and he smiled. “I thought you were out here. We couldn’t find you or Cait, and Cait knows not to be out here after dark, so the Kinsellas suggested looking here since Cait was still missing, too.” “She wanted to spend time with her horse,” Liam shrugged. “She hadn’t seem him in days, and to a little kid… that’s like a year!” “Well, we do need to get going though, so be a good babysitter and bring her in and let her big people know she’s peed herself.” “Dad….” “If you are going to babysit a kid, especially one with medical concerns that you are not willing to deal with yourself, you need to be able to tell her people. It’s not tattling, and it’s not hurting her. It’s making sure she’s getting the care she needs. Do you know how long she’s been like that?” “No?” Liam shrugged. “Well, her guardians need to know. And it’s probably a good idea to take her in as soon as she does it even if you bring her out here later. Again, no shame and not tattling. Just getting her the help she needs to heal, son.” “Okay.” “Understand, Cait?” “Yeah,” Cait sighed. “But I wasn’t scratching, and it wasn’t wet against my skin, and my inside owies didn’t get nothing on them, so there no worries.” Arnold shrugged. “It’s still the babysitter’s job to report every discomfort as soon as possible especially when it’s health related.” “Okay.” Cait wasn’t happy with her time being cut short with Summerstone… well, for a child who hadn’t seen her baby horse in a few days, anyway, it was short. But the clock had moved from 5 short hand and 3 long hand to about 7 short hand and 2 long hand. She stomped all the way into the door, slamming it, opening it and slamming it again for emphasis, and then she stomped into the kitchen and looked up at Grandma. “I’m mad!” Grandma smiled at her. “Well, I suppose you’re too mad for brownies and milk?” “I’m mad,” Cait frowned. “But I didn’t say I was that mad.”

Chapter 71 Morning Panic Cait woke up out of the darkness of evil, and the light of the day was shining upon her with Daddy there, Eiboline there, and with that lady from the day before there! Why was she there? The Ghost wasn’t there. “You had a hard morning, Cait,” Harmony whispered. “Do you remember any of it?” Cait put her thumb in her mouth. “Are we not talking about what we know?” Kookaberry asked from his normally pinned leash on her left chest of her undershirt. Cait shook her head. Cait saw a red mark on Eiboline’s jaw. There were scratches and jarring red marks on Sean. It looked like they had been fighting each other, only Grandma got more likes in than Daddy did. That would make sense though. Daddy doesn’t hit like Father does, and Daddy doesn’t let anyone dis-be-spect Grandma. The mark on Grandma’s jaw was probably an accident to stop her attacking him. “You don’t have to talk about this morning,” Harmony whispers with a smile. “We can work on something else for a minute, if you don’t mind?” “What?” Cait, the idea of wanting to know what she’s up to catching her interest caused her thumb to come out of her mouth. “Is it scary to wet the bed, Cait?” Cait shrugged. Not until last night. Daddy gets mad if she doesn’t wet the bed. Wetting the bed is normal. “Has your sister even woke up with you in bed with bruises before?” “Well, Sometimes Roisin sleeps with me and she says I kick in my sleep. She does too, though. But we don’t really hurt each other. We just get annoyed because it wakes us up.” When Harmony was finally leaving, Eiboline frowned. “How come you and Daddy got in a fight?” Cait asked. “A fight, Pet?” Grandma asked her whole facing to move in a small circle as though trying to search for Cait’s logic. “Your jaw got red. “Did I do bad things and you fighting to keep or sent me back?” “No, hon. Daddy doesn’t hit mommy.” “Father does.” “Well, you been with us almost two weeks. You haven’t seen Daddy get that mad, have you?” “I never seen him mad. You don’t hit if you not mad. You don’t lie me, Grandma. Be member, Auntie said she peed her pants at the time for field? I know it mean to say it, but I be member you had so you don’t have to be scared me say you bad or Daddy bad. I know getting mad happened.” “Cait? I did pee my pants at the field the other day. I’m not ashamed. And I am not scared to tell you the truth if Sean says something or does something that hurts my feelings, but he’s never hit me.” “You hit all over his face.” “No, Cait. I promise you. Sean told you that the farm big animals are sometimes dangerous.” “Oh! Yeah. I knew Daddy doesn’t hit! I sorry I said Daddy hits. But Father does. He hits Mama, and he uses belt on Grainne when Grainne bad or Grainne makes us little kids be bad.” Eiboline took Cait over to the dresser to get her boy underwears. “I can pee my pants?” Cait asked. “If you need to, you pee your pants, Cait. It’s okay,” Eiboline nodded. “Pee is not Cait, and Cait is not pee. Pee is just what the body needs, and Cait is Cait, a smart little girl that’s learning she can do a lot more than she thinks she can.” Cait smiled. Sean came up the stairs and stayed outside the room for a moment. “Harmony says that she appreciates us calling her, and trusting her to do the right thing. She says that house calls normally cost double, but if it’s an emergency, she will wave all costs, even normal costs until the insurance is settled. She says she’d rather take a pay cut than have a child going through that kind of trauma and the whole family being helpless to do anything.” “Isn’t that kind of her?” Grandma nodded. “Well, we are going to be a little late for our meeting today, but I’ll call and let him know we had a crisis this morning. Maybe he’ll still meet us today.” “You go ahead. I’ll just get Cait changed and let her see Summerstone so she can feel better.” Daddy nodded. “Do you want to hug daddy?” Cait ran over and hugged Sean. “I love you daddy. Grandma told me the big animals hurt you. I’m glad it was the big animals and you and Grandma didn’t hit Grandma. I don’t want to make you mad so you fight and hit Grandma.” Daddy reached down and picked Cait up and hugged her tight. “We are not fighting about you, Pet. We both want you here, okay?” “Okay.” Chapter 72 Shane Cait and Eiboline walked out to see Arnold working with some cows in the milking pen, and she saw Mama horse and Summerstone in her own play pen with Liam out there, brushing Summerstone. “You’re brushing Summerstone?” Cait asked Liam. “You weren’t feeling good. Your Aunt and Uncle were worried. We got here but your ….” “Daddy…,” Cait said patiently. “You can do it. Say Daddy! I don’t see any uncles here, assept maybe you and your brother.” “Daddy,” Liam nodded. “Go on, what about Daddy?” “Well, your Daddy told my Dad about everything that happened this morning, or at least the things that scared them. This lady came to talk to you, so My Dad and brother are over there, and I didn’t know if you’d be out here today, so I started to take care of your baby so he didn’t get weak on you.” “He said everything? Even I pooped my pants in bed?” “He didn’t exactly say that.” “Oh,” Cait’s face got red. She looked down at the ground. “I’m dirty.” “No,” Liam walked over and hugged her. “You are Cait. I don’t know anyone called dirty.” Handing her the brush, he rubbed her shoulder. “And Summerstone agrees. Don’t you boy?” Liam threw his head back and made this really good impression of a horse. “S-hu-hur-hure do.” Cait giggled. “You good at horse talk.” “I loved your card,” Liam said rubbing Cait’s hair while she was taking over brushing her baby. “It looked like an old authentic paper, too.” “Huh?” “The yellow stains gave it a look like it was really old and important.” “Oh,” Cait looked down. “I accidentally….” “Made it look old and valuable,” Liam rushed to interrupt. “I like it.” “That was pee, you know,” Cait whispered. “It was! Now it’s important. It doesn’t matter how it was made. It is the first card Cait ever gave anyone in Wisconsin. It is, isn’t it?” “Yeah, I think so.” “Cool. Someday, it’s going to be worth something really valuable in trading, and I’m going to have it.” “You weird.” “Know you are, what am I?” Cait put her tongue out. Sean came running out. “He says he’ll come here to talk to us. Something about having to resolve something with another Dairy Farmer.” “That’s good, then,” Eiboline nodded. “Yeah. He might want to check in Cait’s room though. I don’t want him seeing her mess. She’s had enough trauma for one day. He doesn’t need to know she peed the bed last night, or at least he doesn’t need to see the evidence of it.” “I’ll get the bedding and sheets. You watch Cait, Sean.” Cait walked over to the gate, Summerstone walking behind her. “Am I did something bad?” “No, Cait. You are doing everything right. I just don’t want you being on display if he decides to check your room. It might be good if you pick up ‘Front City’ for now though. You can put it back after he leaves, but he might not understand our methods if he sees toys all over the house. I don’t want him to judge you, Pet.” “Okay.” Cait looked down at her boy pants and then up at Daddy. “Daddy?” “Yeah?” “What if I pee?” “Well, that’s why he’s putting you on our insurance. That’s what we are fixing. Your choice to pee. Not stopping you from peeing your pants, if you feel you need to, but giving you the choice between not doing that, and whatever other bigger thing is worrying you.” “You won’t care if I pooped my pants while he’s here?” “Not at all…,” then he frowned and reworded. “Actually, I would care. I want to see your little face if it happens, and I want to know how you feel. If you get scared or feel bad, then you will be taken from his view immediately. You are not to be shamed for your body being sick. But if you are happy, playing, and don’t notice, then I won’t care to notice either.” “Okay.” With Front City put into a box and put away under the television cabinet where the VCR goes, it wasn’t out to be judged, but Cait realized a pee stain was on the carpet. “I gotta clean the carpet,” she told Daddy. “No, Cait. The man will not know what the stain is, and if he figures it out, he has too much time on his hands. He’s not here to find out every time you proved you need help. He’s simply here to see if the company will help us or not. It’s the doctor’s business how often you pee your pants, hon, not the insurance man’s. Different jobs.” “Okay,” but Cait put a finger in her mouth trying to make sense of that word jumble. ‘He fig yards out, too much time—hands? What about his feet and his head? Time doesn’t matter there? Doctor’s business for how much I pee, but not ni sure ace man? Different jobs? What job is ni sure ace?” Daddy took Cait up and gave her a quick bath and put her in a blouse and skirt set. She still only had boy panties, but at least she looked more like a girl. Then, this fat man with a thick mustache rang the door bell. “Good afternoon,” the man presented a card. “Mr. Glover.” He shook Daddy’s hand, took Grandma’s hand and bowed hi head to it, and he rubbed Cait’s head. Grandma got him some lemonade, and got Cait some, too. “The company will give you a ten percent decrease in premiums if you sign this waiver not to sue our company for anything Brady did, though it does not protect Brady if you were to sue him separately.” Daddy frowned. “Okay. But that’s not the issue right now.” “Right. As for Cait. You have a power of attorney will drawn up making you her guardians?” “Until December.” “That might be a problem,” Mr. Glover was honest. “I’ve seen how hernias can go. Sometimes, they cure them the first time with surgery, but sometimes, they need more care. I am also concerned that the hernia, being as big a problem as it is, could be hiding other conditions that would need to be looked at.” “What you mean?” Cait asked. The man started to continue. “So, it’s probably not a good….” “Excuse me, sir. My child asked a question. If you are going to ignore her, we go with my friend’s brother-in-law’s insurance.” “You… you were already looking for another one?” “Look. We are a community out here. I didn’t go looking for anything, but we farmers stick together, and he heard that Brady had terribly handled Cait, and honestly, with the trying to skip my wife last night, you aren’t looking much better to me. So, you going to talk to Cait, or do we drop this act?” “Cait? Did you pee your pants recently?” Cait looked down. “Excuse me! SHE asked a Goddamned question! You have no right to ask her if she’s peed her pants. The doctor will ask her that when the time is right. You aren’t a healer, so she is not obligated to telling you if she’s wet or not.” “Sorry. What was your question, girl?” “Cait,” Sean’s face was getting red and his hands were opening and closing from fists. “Address the little lady right, or….” “Yes, okay. I’m sorry. Young lady? Cait is it? What was your question?” “You said the Ha ya na might something. You said it’s hiding or something? I forgot,” she had tears in her eyes. “She’s a child,” Daddy told Mr. Glover. “She forgets when the conversation gets too far in. I’ll tell you what she asked. She asked what did you mean? She asked you after you said the hernia could be a big problem hiding other problems. So… she’s not dumb. She’s very smart. Just remember, she is still ten, so talk to her. Make sure you don’t use medical words unless you have to. Make sure she can respond to you. That’s how you know a kid understands. Want to try that again?” “Yes, sir.” “Go ahead, Cait. Just do your best. Daddy’s here if you need help.” “What meaned that ha na ya is hiding and it needs more something?” “Well, Cait…. I don’t know how long you’ve had the hernia, but I know that if it’s been any amount of time, you could have weak muscles, you could have other stomach and bladder issues caused by it. You could have digestive issues, and depending on the growth of the hernia, even lung issues.” Cait’s finger was in her mouth. “How come pooping can cause eating problem? That means dijustin, right? And how come pooping can cause breath problem. That what lung does, it help breaths?” “Well, first of all, a hernia is when your stomach tears on the inside, and the guts in the stomach area, the lower area, about right here…,” he touched Cait a little close to her hips. “This is where your intestines are. These are parts that help your stomach make food small enough to work in your body.” “Okay.” “Well, the ways a hernia happens, is your guts can try to climb into your chest, into your stomach which is really up here, or down into your pee pee organs or organs for babymaking and sometimes into your leg.” “Okay.” “The hernia can cause problems in those parts of your body it gets into, but it can also hide things in those areas that we wouldn’t know are wrong until we fixed the hernia.” “And that can take from June is 1 July, August… December…. Seven months, but more?” “That’s right. That’s why Brady tried to get the approval later. He wanted the doctor to identify what the insurance is paying for and try to limit what is covered. But I’m not happy with covering you to just December because your Daddy wants all the problems to be addressed as we can.” “Okay.” “And your daddy said you have mental concerns?” “What Mental concerns? That I pee on purpose at church or school?” “That is concerning for a ten year old, but no, something a bit more scary than that.” “Dan, her father, is giving us until December. Even if I need to pay a higher premium… couldn’t we just pay until December and renew in November? He’ll give us longer if he realizes Cait is getting better.” “The reason you are being given this power of attorney is you have access to insurance and he doesn’t?” “That’s right.” “What about DHS?” “That’s what they used before. DHS doctors either didn’t want to look, or they missed the hernia completely the last time Dan had her to see a doctor.” “I’ll have to go back and talk to my supervisor. How much more will you be willing to pay over what you were, if we let you renew it in December?” “I can afford double the monthly fees with a 100 dollar deductible.” “I’ll try to talk you into a better deal, but no promises. I do think we can get you insurance until December. I’m just afraid of what will happen if we decide we already helped her and someone in corporate says she should go back with her family.” “Well, one step at a time, Mr. Glover. If you get us help with the Hernia, we can find other insurance for Cait if we must after that.” “Come in tomorrow to fill out the papers. That will also be the limit for mental health since you only have the power of attorney that long, I’m afraid.” “We’ll make it work, if you are willing.” “Come anytime tomorrow. I’ll have papers drawn up until December, and my secretary can have you sign them if I’m busy. You have insurance until December. And your kid… She’s peeing her pants.” Cait whispered. “Sorry.” “I was just telling your big people, child. You didn’t do anything to be sorry about. This is why we are trying to help you see a doctor.” As dinner time rolled around, and Cait was rebuilding Front City in the living room, the phone rang again. Cait looked up. Did the insurance decide she’s bad and she doesn’t deserve them? “What’s that? Yeah, we can bring her by at 8:30. No cost? What’s going on?” Eiboline was talking. “Yeah, anything that we can do to help her would be a blessing. Friends? Like her?” “Sean, can we take Cait out to dinner tonight?” Eiboline asked. “What’s the occasion?” “No occasion. She’s needed at a trauma group that Harmony just told me about. A lot of the kids there have similar problems, and it pairs older kids and younger kids to help them talk to each other. Sometimes, older kids need younger kids who judge less, and sometimes, younger kids need older kids, who can teach them how to understand the difference between help and bullying.” “What’s it going to cost us?” “Well, that’s the beauty. It’s a low income program, so it will take DHS insurance, but also, we can pay $25 a month without any insurance. It’s not insurance based, so December dead-line or not, she won’t lose its support as long as they get their twenty-five that month.” “Yeah, I’ll give her a bath.” I was wearing my purple skirt and blue top. I like them. They are kind of bumpy and interesting to touch with my fingers especially over the blue top. It has designs in the fabric like a castle, but it’s hidden. It’s in the same blue. You have to look really hard to see it, but if you blind, you can see it easily. That because blind people see with their fingers. They told us that in third grade. I licked my lips. They still tasted like barbecue chicken. There is a brown building that’s big but only a few cars are outside. Maybe it’s late. A car stopped further back, and a little girl, maybe seven or eight years old got out and shoved with all her might to make the door shut. Then she ran up towards the doors. She saw a bigger girl with red hair in braids in front of her. The girl had red hair. Her top was too dark to see the color and her skirt was nearly knee in length. She tapped her back as she passed and turned to face her. “Are you here for playtime?” “Playtime?” “Yeah. If you are, you can follow me. You can pee your pants. It’s okay. Playtime lets you pee your pants. It’s not bad to pee your pants.” I looked up at Daddy. “Kids don’t say that, Daddy.” “Well, maybe she’s part of the group that was mentioned. The girl walked through some doors that had words on the glass. P-lay-tim-?e Was that Playtime? A man was outside the door, reaching for each child’s hand, patting their back and handing them something. “You must be Cait,” the man said. He had gray hair, blue eyes that were kind of tired looking, and his face sort of looked like Grandma’s sometimes. Daddy is strong. He never shows it, but if I had to guess, something had happened at him like Grandma. But he is trying to smile. “Yeah. Cait. Not cat.” I looked up at him. He took my hand. “We shake hands to let each other know that we are important.” “Okay.” “We safe hug, so you know that you don’t have to, so you can lean in as far as you want it, but you can pull away. That means, my body is mine. I hug you because I want to.” And he pulled me slightly patting my back. “You pull back as far as you want, and even break the hold. I won’t be mad.” I pulled back. I don’t know him. “Good job,” he whispered to me. I looked up at Daddy confused. He called it good when I didn’t want him to hug me? Finally, he put a round sticker on my hand. It had a Bee on it. “Bee-u-tee-ful!” I could read that! That’s how I spell it… almost! “Take a seat inside, please. I’ll be in there when all the kids are there.” I think he was talking to Daddy and Grandma outside. I looked up from the floor, and I saw these chairs in a circle… kind of… kind of like at reading circle time in second or third grade. The teacher’s chair is spaced out so she can see everyone. But in second and third grade, we sit on the floor in a circle around her. It’s like library time at school, too. But the kids… they all had stuff in their hands. Kookaberry was told to come. Grandma told me they wanted him there. There was this really really tall kid. He had brown hair and blue eyes. He had a little red and white fox. There was this girl next to him. She was blond hair and green eyes. She had a panda in her arms. There were kids as big as really big people, like Daddy big people, but only he wasn’t apposed to not be a kid, so he couldn’t be as big as Daddy. But he was. And there was a kid the smallest is the one that touched my back on the way in. The maybe seven year old girl. I frowned. There were ten chairs around the teacher’s chair. There were seven chairs with kids in them. I walked closer. “If you pee your pants, your in the right group,” a boy told me. I don’t know, but I think he was a little older than me. “We have head problems. You allowed to pee your pants if you want. It’s not bad here.” I frowned. “I didn’t.” “You don’t have to pee your pants to be here. It’s just allowed.” “Does kids pee their pants while in talking here?” “Playing,” the boy said. “Yeah. We pee our pants all the time when we play. At least three or four kids in any meeting goes home in peed in pants, but we just hug someone that pees and we see it. We hug them to say… we see you, but you allowed to pull away if you don’t want hugged while you peeing your pants.” “But… what if I poop my pants? I have a her a nya or something like that. It makes watery poops and it goes in my pants sometimes.” The boy shrugged. “That girl over there poops her pants and doesn’t even know why. The doctors say they can’t find nothing wrong with her body but Mr. Vance says she has sickness and injuries that don’t show up on bodies. No one ever laughs. She gets extra hugs when she poops her pants.” Cait’s eyes got as big as truck lights when she realized the girl he was pointing at. She was as tall as Grandma! She poops her pants? He can’t have pointed right. I must be looking at the wrong girl. “What if I cry?” “Most of us cry when we pee our pants, especially when some of us poop our pants. We cry, and then Mr. Vance stops what we are doing, and he teaches us to ask what happened. And when we find out poop happened, the pooped person gets hugs, and then he or she goes to the back with their helper-partner, and they change their underpants and put on some special clothes that Mr. Vance lets us wear, that says No such a Thing as Shame No More… No More!” I guess Daddy and Grandma had to stay out. The man, with black and gray hair walked in behind two other kids that just came in. One of them was a boy that looked like he was the same height and weight as one of Grainne’s friends. He was probably in Junior High or something. He had sort of thick but flabby arms. He looked a little bit fat. His face looked like he had a lot of trouble with pimples. Grainne hates pimples. Mr. Vance kept the boy next to him as he approached the teacher’s chair. “Good evening, children. If you aren’t seated, I’d appreciate if we could all take our seats so we can get to the fun stuff.” I sat next to the boy. “That’s Shane, the kid next to the teacher. Shane must have been having trouble or something. He keeps having to stand by the teacher a lot this year. He has a nice mommy and daddy, but he has trouble with kids in his school and his house area,” the boy told me who had been telling me about people. “He’s gonna definitely pee his pants.” “He is?” “He always does,” the boy said. “But he’s really nice.” “Hey, Johnny?” Mr. Vance whispered. “Do you remember what we talked about with letting other people tell about their problems rather than being the group reporter? I think it’s nice you are helping our new friend get comfortable, but you really shouldn’t tell other kids’ problems because you can’t really know everything. Remember?” “Sorry. Cait was just scared because….” “Johnny…,” Mr. Vance smiled at him softly for a minute and the boy got quiet. “That’s right. You let Cait tell us what is bothering her, son. You are really nice to make her feel comfortable, but don’t tell on your group, okay?” “I’m sorry.” “Young lady, can you come up here, please?” I looked up. The man was definitely like a grandpa. He had an arm around the boy’s shoulders even though he was fourteen, and the boy wasn’t scared of him. He wasn’t fighting or shaking. I stood up. The boy looked down. I looked down at his tan, brown, white striped shirt. I looked further down. His tan shorts were getting dark. He was doing it. He was peeing his pants? I walked over and looked up at him. “Mister?” I looked at the boy in the eyes. “Are you okay?” He nodded, but a tear went down his cheek. “Are you scared?” He shook his head no. “It’s just… I do this all the time. I want to stop, but I can’t.” I looked down and whispered. “Me too.” “Shane, this is your new buddy,” Mr. Vance told the boy. She’s struggling with a lot of issues, but one of the issues is almost like you. She feels scared at school and in public sometimes.” The boy bent down to me, and he sighed. “I’m sorry your first image of me, is seeing me… being scared of being late again. I’m exactly two minutes late. I didn’t use the bathroom because I was late. I did it again even though Mr. Vance says it’s okay to be late to this group… I just… I can’t be late. It’s scary.” I hugged him. “Cait, hon?” Mr. Vance took my hand and backed me up. “In this group, we never force others to let us touch them. We always always seek permission. I know you were just reacting as all kids do, with empathy….” “Apathing?” “Yes, sweetheart. Empathy. It means with a wanting to understand and comfort a friend.” “Oh, okay.” “But, little lady, you are going to learn that we do our hugs in steps, so it gives people who are a little nervous of a hug time to adjust to it, and time to refuse if they want.” “Oh.” “Kids, stand up, please. First the little kids. Show me you know the steps to hug your big partners. Cait, watch, please.” At the door, the man took my hand. The little kids did the same now. At the door the man put a hand on my back. The little kids put their hands on their big partner’s backs. Some of the big kids pulled back, some let the little kid rub as high as they can on their back, and some leaned in and hugged the little one back. The hug was broken when the big person pulled back. I think my finger was in my mouth, but even though I tasted it and felt it, I couldn’t take it out. “Now, big people, you hug your little ones. But this time, Vance went to one of the really big people, and he helped that girl do the steps. Then this boy by me, reached down and took my hands. “Are you going to hug me?” I asked him. “I peed,” he said. “I’m not going to do anything you don’t want. I don’t want you to think you have to hug a dirty big kid.” “Oh. I didn’t mean that. Grandma says when I poop my pants, I’m not dirty. I just have trouble from my her an a?” “What’s that?” He reached a hand on my back and patted. I reached up. He shook his head. “I can’t fully hug you. I’m peeing my pants.” “So? I pee all the time, and my Daddy puts me in his lap and even lets me pee in his lap when I’m crying.” “He does?” “Yeah. It’s just water, right?” “Shane?” Mr. Vance put a hand on his shoulder. “Remember, in our group, you are not late until you are over ten minutes late. Parents have traffic, younger brothers and sisters, and sometimes crisis that they have to handle with your peers here. We have a rule. Ten minutes is not late, it’s just arriving with difficulties. And being late is okay. This isn’t school or any place where you get in trouble for being late. This is YOUR playtime.” Shane nodded. “Cait, how about you tell us who you are, and maybe share a fun experience where you were happy.” “Not where I pee my pants?” I asked. “Sweetheart, I’ll never ask anyone to tell a group about your reasons or your struggles with your bodies. Those are private, and only shared if someone wants to because they feel safe or they need help from their peer or me. Just keep it simple. Who you are and something you did that was fun.” I smiled. I couldn’t help it. I was standing there next to a big kid that just peed his pants, and the teacher didn’t tell him to explain it, and he told him that he is allowed to be ten minutes late as normal and he’s allowed to be more late, too. And he was telling me to share something fun… not what I did bad. I think I like this place. “My name Cait. Please don’t meow at me. I am not Caaaaat, like the animal. I am Cait… light how you say I Cait the ball… kind of… but kind of different.” “Hi Cait,” everyone said, but the little boy was still talking. “Not caaat.” “I have him,” she held up her Kookaberry. “Kookaberry has his own troubles. He doesn’t pee his pants, but he has been born in trouble with love, too. And I have a baby horse at my home. He just got borned last weekend. He’s mine though. Daddy says so. He name is Summerstone. He talks like… Hi yi yi. I a ha ha ham Summerstone.” Everyone was smiling at me. No one was making fun of me. I told them and held up Kookaberry… and even the big kids had these friends in their laps they held up at the same time, and one bigger kid even put her thumb in her mouth. This was like… people like me! I knew ghost was somewhere. I never get peace like this. I looked around at the shadows in the room, back at the door of the room, at the books on the far wall, at the round tables with stuff on them, and then back at the teacher. The ghost was hiding. The ghost… she wasn’t anywhere. “Why you looking for that demon?” Kookaberry asked me. “Don’t let her ruin a place where you have friends. Leave her to haunt you where she always does. Don’t bring her here, okay?” I shrugged. Kookaberry was right. I whispered up at Shane. “What a peer buddy?” “We set up play time out side of group to be together, and in group, we help each other reminding that we are safe especially if we start to cry because someone is scared they got caught peeing. It’s really important during school. The high school girls cry the most when they pee their pants because it is somehow more scary and wrong the older you get that you pee.” I frowned. “If your body is sick….” “Not all of us are sick the same way, and it confuses us. I’m more sick in my head, which means I have less a reason to….” “Shane,” Mr. Vance shook his head. “We talked about this. Your reasons for needing help are just as valid as everyone else. Don’t do that. Why don’t you take your buddy with you and sit down so we can open with story time, okay?” Shane nodded. “Okay.” After the playtime there, a book, playing with blocks and talking to Shane, and really having fun… I was walking out with Shane holding my hand, and I didn’t even know I peed until I was in the car and the ghost showed up as the car started moving. “You peed.” I took my thumb out of my mouth. “Yeah. I did. And I don’t care.” The ghost popped out in an instant. Mr. Vance was talking to Grandma and Daddy all the way to the car about what his goals are with the group, and he warned them that my buddy pees his pants, too. He said all the kids that go there have incontinence problems of one kind or another. It’s a support group, and the big kids need this even as much as little kids. “Without it, teenagers die.” I remembered that last part he said. I scooted up in my seat. “Grandma? Mister Vance is my favorite teacher ever. But how come he said without the group, that teenagers die?” “I don’t know why he said that specifically to us. But I know he has his reasons,” Grandma said. “Just be kind to your peer friend, okay? He has trouble making it to the toilet, I guess.” “He pees when he’s scared he’s late. He told me.” I told Grandma. Not to tell on him or tell his secrets, but so Grandma doesn’t get mad at him for peeing his pants like Father at home does with Grainne. Chapter 73 I Have A Peer that “Gets It!” Cait bounced in the back seat with Kookaberry in her wet lap and she was talking about the group non-stop from leaving all the forty minutes it took to get back to the barn. “First, Mr. Vance makes us start doing contact in a way that doesn’t force the other person to touch us, even if we want to hold them cause they crying. He says it’s always choice, even if we need a hug. If they don’t want us to give it, they always have their big people. He says you hold hands first. Hands is a safe zone. We always hold hands. We pass stuff, we greet with hands, we do stuff like high fives and everything. Hands is safe. If they pull their hands back, we know to stop.” Cait looked down at her hands. “I keep putting my thumb in my mouth. I hope they don’t get mad my thumb is wet all the time.” “Shane didn’t,” Kookaberry said. “Then,” Cait looked up as Grandma looked back at her listening. “If they take our hands, we put a hand on their back. And that’s the hug. If they want to deep make it, I think that how he said it. Anyway, if they want the hug they can move more in. If they like the touch, they can stay where they are, and if they don’t like the hug then, they can pull back away. It not because they hate us, but because they need to be okay first sometimes. Mister Vance called it space.” She was rambling, but she was so happy, she couldn’t help it. “He read a book about a boy that saw a scary toilet. At the end of the book, he peed his pants, but his friends hugged him and said that sometimes, it’s just scary. It’s okay. After that, we played like… playing. Even high school kids were playing. Blocks, beads, stuff animal world, everything. Really big kids played and these two really big almost big people like your age, they play and peed their pants, and it’s okay, there!” “Daddy?” Cait realized they were home. “What happens when the time is up in December. Do I lose my new playgroup?” Daddy frowned. “As long as you stay with us, no, Cait. The power of attorney is limited though, not only in health care, but in allowing how long we keep you. Your parents have a right to get you after December. But we’ll talk to your Father and Mother, and maybe there will be enough progress that they let you stay until at least next summer. Maybe you’ll be healthy; both in mind and body by then.” Cait sighed. “Can you pick me up? I peed my pants at group, but you never cared before if I pee in your lap.” “I’ll carry, you, Pet. You don’t have to tell me you’re wet. It has nothing to do with whether I pick you up, sweetheart.” There were no nightmares that night. Cait was out the next morning, in her own pen where Daddy put both mother and Summerstone again. Cait was brushing him. “I found someone that doesn’t look at me like I’m a alien,” Cait told Summerstone. “Shane has some of the same troubles, and he bigger than me. He wets his pants at school, too. He gets scared. He knows how it is, the recess rule. He gets it!” Summerstone’s head went up and down. “He even peed his pants right there in front of everyone just because he was two minutes late. So I know he’s not lying. He couldn’t hold it no more and peed his pants because of being late is worse than wetting his pants. That is exactly me at school. It because the recess rule and Father. Father’s belt if I don’t come in recess on time.” Summerstone’s tail swished. “The the other baby horses talk to you yet? You know, if you go to horse school, I will be really really mad at Daddy if he beats you just for being a second late from recess. You go potty okay? You don’t let horse school make you scared like me. You tell them that your Mama and your owner, Cait, that we said you allowed to pee your pants if they don’t let you go, and then we going to yell at the teacher, not our baby horse who doesn’t want to do it.” Summerstone pushed his head on my chest. I patted his soft but firm nose. “You safe here, Summerstone. We love you, here.” “Wh..ha..hat’s the re..he...cess… rule?” Cait looked up at Summerstone. “Don’t you get recess?” “Do-ho..hon’t know what it is.” “Well, you get playtime at school, but when it time to come in, it time. Then you don’t ask to leave the room for forty minutes. So I take recess now, at… say it’s little hand twelve and big hand twelve. Recess ended. Now, forty counts for asking to go toilet… so I count the little hand to the 1… and the big hand goes 1 to 12, so that’s twelve minutes. And I have to wait forty. See?” “So ho ho… you have to wa..ha..hait….” But even Summerstone is a baby, so he couldn’t really do the math. “That’s like 12… 18… 24… for 2… 30… 36… is 3… you have to wait like four hours to pee?” Cait nodded. “Yeah.” “What if you didn’t go at recess?” “Doesn’t matter. Not allowed to asked. So… you wait… or you pee your pants… of if you are bad like Cait, you poop your pants, too.” “I don’t like your school,” Kookaberry fronwed. “Me, too. But all kids have to go, so it not something even Daddy can stop.” Eiboline walked out to the fence where I was in with Summerstone talking to him. “Cait? Can you come here, hon?” The little girl patted Summerstone. “Go to Mama, boy. I’ll be back.” Eiboline smiled. “Your mom wrote, but I found this tucked in the letter.” “Grainne answered me?” “No…. It’s too early for her to have had time to read your letter and answer it. This is her writing to you.” A cereal box was ripped apart and black marker was written on the insides of the cereal box like paper. Dear Cait. I am doing what you asked me. I know that you were right. It hurts to hold it outside for a long time. Daddy doesn’t hit me if I do it in the field. I told Clo to do it, too. She did it on Tuesday. This letter is going in the mail tonight, but you probably get it on Friday. Cait? Do you still pee your pants there? Daddy says the cousins are wrong. He says they can’t fix you because. I’m not going to tell why he said because. You already know his words. You don’t read it here. Daddy saw me trying to go to the bathroom on Monday. I started leaking by the bathroom when he was in there. He looked at my feet. He said pull down your pants. I got scared. I peed on the floor. He said Goddamn you! He said go to bed. Now. I think he’s going to make me do the rule you have. You know. No getting up at night now. You pee in the night. Don’t make a mess. He talked to mom about it. I’m scared he’s going to make me do it. It only happened once. I have to be careful if I don’t want that rule. Cait? Do you have anyone to play with? Do you have to work all the time? Daddy says you working there still. He said the cows are still going to get milked, and they have a worker for free. Of course you have to milk cows. Cows can kill. Are you scared? Stupid Cereal box! No more room. I love you. Grainne. Grandma read the letter to me by the fence, and then she handed it to me. “I wanted to not read some of that,” Grandma told me. “But then, you wouldn’t trust me, when you started to read. I knew I had to. I am sorry Grainne is having a hard time.” Grainne’s letter filled the whole brown inside of the cereal box in black marker. She found paper that daddy wouldn’t mind. She hided her letter in Mama’s letter. “Grainne has to pee the bed,” I looked up at Grandma. “That’s my rule. You stay in bed and you are wet, Father doesn’t get mad and look where you peed even if you didn’t. If you not wet, he says where you hide it, and he smacks your face until you find a way to make a wet on the floor to show him. Then he spanks you for lying, but you stop being in trouble of him being mad.” Grandma was shaking as Cait explained to her the rule. “So, your eldest sister… will be expected to lie there awake, knowing she can usually get to the toilet, but be scared into peeing on herself in bed?” Cait frowned. “So she doesn’t make a mess to the bathroom. She peed her pants, Grandma. The ghost made her pee her pants in the house. That was my fault. I didn’t do the deal right on Tuesday, and I didn’t pee my pants before you and Daddy saw me, and then I pooped too early after the second deal. I was bad, and now, Grainne is in trouble with daddy just like the ghost said would happen!” “Grandma can call Daddy, hon.” “NO! You can’t! Grainne will get it worse. Not only telling me she has to do it in bed now, but teaching me to tell you about our family private secrets. He gets really mad at Grainne and Clodagh when the family secrets are told. They tell them that’s their job, to keep us little sisters from telling people that he has daughters that are too stupid to stay dry and too willful than use the toilet. What willful means?” “Willful means you are stubborn or you are going to do what you want no matter what trouble it causes,” Grandma frowned. “And Cait? Sometimes, the problem with abuse, is it takes your Will away from you. Your Will is your ability to do good things for yourself!” “What’s abuse?” Grandma shook her head. “Well…, It’s like the insurance guy asking you if you recently peed your pants even though it’s not his business. It’s any time a teacher made you hold it when it was easy to see you were going to wet yourself. It’s your daddy telling you to purposefully staying in bed to pee, even though there is a good chance you can make it… and even if you pee in the hall… that should be encouraged over lying there and just giving up and pooping yourself to stay out of trouble. Does that make sense?” Cait shrugged. “I cause trouble. It’s easier for people to clean up one place than two or three.” Chapter 74 Cait Breaked The Diaper Wall Grandma shook her head. “Well, we have an appointment to get the papers from the insurance this afternoon, and then we are going to see that doctor again. So go say goodbye to your baby, then we’ll get ready to leave, Love.” A squirrel on the ground glanced left and right and chattered in its little head to its own ghost. Do you see anything? It looked at the two giant long legged things with pink legs at least on one of them, and as they walked away from the fence, the ghost relaxed and chittered to the outside squirrel. The car pulled out of the drive, and a cat in a tree over the drive, watched as the three people inside it seemed to control the car in their own ways. It was a wonder that the same thing could need one person one minute and three people another. “They’re going to fix my body now?” Cait asked leaning up from the backseat towards Grandma in the front passenger. “We hope so, sweetheart. We are going to pick up proof of insurance on the way, and then we’ll be able to see if that doctor who saw you before is in.” “What if she fixes it, but I still do it?” “I don’t know, Pet. But what I do know, is your Daddy often says, one problem at a time, and right now, I think that’s great advice. Don’t you?” “Okay.” Cait sat back, put her thumb in her mouth on purpose this time… she lifted her thumb, looked at it, and stuffed it in her mouth, and she hugged Kookaberry. The hospital was scary. Surgery was scary. Her chest hurt a little bit. “You don’t have to get surgery,” Ghost just-appeared in the car next to her. “Just tell the truth. Tell the doctor you don’t have this her nee ya, and that you just do it on purpose. Do it in front of the doctor. Poop your pants in front of the doctor so she won’t want to touch you.” “It doesn’t work like that,” Kookaberry frowned at the ghost. “If she just poops her pants, the doctor will just change her. Besides, the doctor saw her inside with a magic screen. She knows what’s inside.” “But the inside is Cait’s fault. She can….” Chomp. “Ghost is wrong. Inside isn’t a human’s ability. Inside has a place where something is just is, and if it’s not, it can’t be put back just by thinks of it.” Cait looked out the window. “My chest hurts,” she whispered. Cait was in the car with Grandma, and they waited while Daddy just went in to get the papers from the ni sure ace people. The pain in her chest felt like she was drinking cold water, like ice water, with her inside her chest, and it was floating at her chest and not inside her stomach where it should be. “Can I just poop my pants?” she whispered too low for anyone to hear. “You should,” the ghost whispered to her. “Make your aunt think you did it because you want. Maybe she will tell Daddy that you just did it and you don’t need the doctor.” Chomp! “Grandma, stupid Ghost, Grandma! And Grandma smarter than you, Smarter than Father, and smarter than even the doctor. She knows Cait.” “Cait, hon?” “See?” Kookaberry stared the Ghost until it dis-just-appeared. “Yeah?” Cait asked holding her chest. “It’s okay to be scared, child. And if you need to, you can pee your pants. Grandma doesn’t expect you won’t. This is really scary, and you don’t know what will happen. The doctor expects you to wet your pants, too, hon. She’s dealt with kids that have hurts like yours, and she knows it’s scary and that your body isn’t yours, right now. She won’t yell. If she did, Grandma will teach her how you are supposed to treat kids with scary problems.” “Yeah,” Cait’s voice fell. “I told you, Cait. Grandma knows you want to poop. She just said wet so you don’t feel like she’s watching you. She doesn’t have to watch. She knows you. She been cleaning you since you got here. She loves you.” “Yeah,” Cait’s voice got a little louder. “What if I did do it on purpose, Kooks?” “Grandma said to do it. She said it’s expected. Why should you have to go and do it on a scary time, instead of just doing it on your time. Grandma knows you are scared, even if you do it on our time and not the scary time of doing it in front of other people. Who knows if it will come out in the big room where they wait you to be called? All those people watching? Do it now is your choice, and didn’t Daddy say it not about if you do it but giving you the choice? You tell him you did it on purpose and see if he’s telling the truth, about if he cares it is your choice. He says it should be your choice.” “What if he kicked me out?” “Grandma won’t let him. Grandma told you to go ahead. She knows you gonna poop. So just do it.” Cait sighed. “Look, let’s say they would kick you out. Isn’t it better to know now instead of find out after all this scary stuff, that they kick you out and you find out it was a lie all this time?” Cait held Kooks closer. “Can I hold you while I poop my pants?” “Yeah. Squeeze me with all your might until you pooping is done. You are my person. I want you to squeeze me if you’re scared. Then you don’t accidentally pinch someone that not made for it.” “I can honestly poop and pee my pant with you?” “Yeah. Do it. Do you think the little boy never peed on me?” “He did?” “I don’t remember. But he probably did. I don’t deny little big people the right to pee or poop. I am here for comfort, not judgment. And I won’t remember if you pottied on me too, if I am put in the hands of someone else. Your secrets stay your own unless someone else tells. I never tell my big people’s secrets.” “Okay.” Cait leaned up. “Grandma? I don’t want the people in the hospital waiting place to see me do it.” “Hon?” Daddy was walking back from the building. “I want to do it on purpose… poop my pants.” Grandma turned to face her. “Baby. You’re scared?” Cait nodded. Grandma got out and she started to move around the car. Daddy stopped and they looked at one another as she went to the back door. “Is Cait okay?” “She needs comfort, Sean. She’s about to poop her pants. She wants permission to do it right now, on her own terms instead of in front of other people.” “I can take her in the building.” “Sean? I think if she thought she could make it, she would have asked me to take her in. I don’t think she has a choice but poop her pants, and she’s scared. Let her just do it.” He nodded. “I’d never tell her not to poop her pants. I want it to be her choice. I just want it to be… her choice. Not fear scaring her into it.” Cait felt the tightness in her chest, the gentle pushing at her bottom. She could hold it and go inside, if she wanted to, but she didn’t want to. She didn’t want to get out of the car. She hoped Grandma won this time. “Sean. Let’s trust she knows what she wants?” Eiboline whispered. “For the child’s sake, let’s trust her to know if she wants to poop her pants, or if she wants us to try to take her.” “Alright.” Sean went to Cait’s window, all the way around the car to her window. He motioned for her to roll it down. Cait did, her butt still trying to resist it coming out. “Cait, Auntie has this magic I told you about before, where women sense things. I don’t have that. Can you tell me if it’s your choice to poop your pants, or if it’s fear that I will get mad if someone sees you do it, before I agree to let you poop your pants?” “I want to. I’m sorry. I really want to. Not because you not embarrassed. Because they see after it. But I don’t have to let no one watching me do it assept Daddy and Grandma. You said it my choice. That why you want me fix, so I can do it if I want, and not because I can’t choose… or….” “That’s exactly right, Pet. You go ahead and poop your pants, then hon. I’ll drive slow so you have time to finish going in your pants, okay?” “Honest? You letting me choose to do it?” “Honest, Pet. We have clean clothes for you with us. We knew you’d pee at some point. This is scary. It’s better you choose where it happens. You do it, baby, and we’ll clean you up before the doctor sees… in the car even, if you aren’t scared of being changed in the car.” “I like being changed in the car better. Less people will see.” “Then we’ll keep driving around until say you finished going potty, and then we’ll pull over, change your pants, and then take you into the hospital as if nothing happened, is that okay?” “I love you, Daddy and Grandma!” I sighed as I got out of the car, my messy skirt and panties on the floor of the car, but Daddy picked me up and turned my head away from the mess. “No going back on doing what you knew to be right for yourself, little Pet. You decided, and now we go in clean. Put your thumb in your mouth if you want, and hold your Kookaberry. Kookaberry knows why you chose this, and he chooses you, baby.” And like that, the Kinsellas went into the hospital together as a family. Daddy even carried the ten year old up to the register place, and he whispered in at the lady. “This is Cait. You’ll direct your questions to her. I’ll help her with what she needs help answering, but talk to her. She’s a big girl.” Cait was handed papers and documents as they asked, and she pushed them to the nurse people inside there. “Can you give us a pee sample?” the lady asked. “Only if you want to go out to the car and get my messy panties. I went potty in the car.” “That’s alright. We can proceed without it. You’ll need to do some other tests, though.” “Okay.” The Kinsellas stayed right by Cait’s side the whole time they were testing her and from start to finish, if Eiboline needed the toilet, Sean held Cait. If Sean went to the toilet, he put her right on Eiboline’s lap in the wait periods. They kept her in their laps until all the tests… the most painful and scary, the blood taking was done right in Sean’s lap while she peed her pants… on purpose… on him. They were finally in a room where they put a second bed. “We have a policy that a parent can stay the night with kids under thirteen in these situations. We even provide a bed for you.” “Thank you so much.” Cait looked up at the nurse. “I peed on the blood test. I scared and I hurted, and I peed on purpose. I wanted… I chose to pee my pants. It made it hurt less. Because I focused to pee in front of people made the needle not get feeling in my arm.” The nurse smiled. “You’re not the first one to pee your pants, but now, I understand why some twelve year olds do it. Thank you for explaining that.” Later, in Cait’s little bedroom for the night, people set Cait up with what she needed, and then a nurse came in to start getting her ready for surgery that would happen the next day. The nurse with the medicine in a bottle that Cait immediately recognized from last weekend flashed in front of Sean. “We need Cait to….” “Wrong person,” Sean frowned. “I will hold her while you explain it to her, and I’ll help her understand what you need her to, but she’s smart. Tell her why she has to drink it and I promise you, she will understand and she’ll do it even if she thought you were being mean. That’s how she is right now. Explaining it to her makes you seem less mean.” “Oh. Usually, kids understand when parents….” “Trust me. She doesn’t fully understand or trust parents anymore… not in the traditional way a child should trust them. You will find the notes with your doctor if it’s important for understanding. But this little brave warrior has had to fight a world for a long time without the parents that protect her. So, trust me, she will trust YOU a lot more if you talk to HER, and not just to me. She trusts me, but that’s because I make sure SHE gets to ask questions and understand.” The nurse sighed and she approached Cait. “Hey, little warrior? Can you climb in one of your big people’s lap. I have something scary to explain to help you get ready for tomorrow. I need your full attention.” She saw Cait’s raising thumb that was slowly climbing to her mouth. “Yes, Cait, your thumb can go in your mouth, but not when you’re talking. I want to understand what you say if you ask me something.” “Okay.” I liked this lady. “Do you know what this medicine is?” The nurse asked me. “Yeah. It makes me poop my pants so it all comes out and I can pee easy again. It makes my chest hurt less, too, when I want to poop.” “Well, tonight it will make you potty your pants. We are going to put you in a diaper.” “No! No diapers. I not a baby. I poop my own underwears.” “Cait, we need you to wear a diaper….” “NO!” Sean looked up at the nurse. “Why do you need a diaper on her. If I pay for the bed or sheets, does it matter if she poops her pants?” The nurse frowned. “Clean up is….” “Eiboline will stay with her. Eiboline will clean her up.” “That’s not how it’s done….” “Cait will not be forced into diapers without a good reason, a reason that would make you diaper an adult and it is more understandable than making a mess.” The nurse sighed. “I have to get a head nurse. I’m not allowed to change protocol on my own. I’ll be right back. I’m sorry I scared you, Cait. It’s just the rules.” “Like the school forty minute rule before you ask to use a toilet after recess?” “They do that at school?” “Yeah, in fourth grade. That makes it hard to not pee my pants at school though.” “You know what? Screw it. I’ll just say I forgot and thought you were sixteen or something.” I really like this lady! A head nurse came in with the nurse that let her wear her boy panties. “She’s not in a diaper.” “She’s sixteen,” the nurse said. “She doesn’t look sixteen me,” the head nurse frowned. “How old are you, child?” “Nine… almost ten! I WILL NOT WEAR A DIAPER, and you not making me. If a sixteen year old doesn’t have to, then my Daddy says I don’t have to, too.” Daddy had already left by this time, but Grandma was still there. “Pet is right,” Grandma said. “She’s a smart little girl, and there is no reason you can give that should make a ten year old kid feel like less a person, that you wouldn’t have reason to tell a sixteen year old to.” “We put diapers on sixteen year olds,” the head nurse said. “They choice or your choice?” Cait asked. “Well, we tell them how much better it is, and then most of them choose the diaper. You’re a child, so of course your first thought is… if I have a choice, I’m not a baby. You don’t understand why a diaper is a good choice.” Cait looked up at Grandma. She was getting confused. “Did I choose bad?” “No, Pet.” and then Grandma turned her attention to the head nurse. “How about you explain to this little lady why a diaper is a better choice? You are not putting her in a diaper unless you use her language to convince her, not scare her. I’ll call my husband. He knows how to talk to you bureaucrats.” The nurse sighed. “Teenagers understand….” “Understand what, exactly?” Eiboline asked. “That they have to give up their dignity to get help or that the diaper actually helps them not poop their pants?” The nurse licked her lips. The junior nurse whispered to the head nurse. “I lied on purpose. That kid is really smart, and her Daddy figure will have your job. I’ve seen his kind before. You need to tell Cait why and make it something you can tell her Daddy or they will be mad.” “You think you know more than a head nurse?” the head nurse asked. “She knows more than you!” Cait said jutting her chin out. “Chomp her, Kooks! She’s being taken by the stupid Ghost again!” “I can’t,” Kooks whispered to Cait. “She’s a real person. What she’s doing is wrong, but all I can chomp are lies, not what she’s doing.” “Kooks says you are wrong, and he only can’t chomp you because he can’t make you not be mean!” The nurse shook her head. “I’ve never heard of a mother letting her child backtalk hospital professionals.” Cait held up Kooks to her mouth. It was Cait’s voice, but the bear’s face that said it. “You not a Professor on als.” The head nurse walked out. “The director will be in shortly to explain hospital rules,” hung on the air as the lady walked out. The young nurse looked at the ground. “I guess I’ll have to explain to my boyfriend.” “Explain what?” Eiboline asked. “Why… I got fired and we are going to be short this month.” Cait frowned. “They fired you because you called me sixteen?” “No, Cait. Because I told the head nurse off. That was my choice. You didn’t have anything to do with it.” “Kooks made you tell us. That why you said it,” Cait said. The nurse looked up at Cait and smiled. “It’s so nice that you still believe in Kooks. You keep believing in him a little longer, Cait. He’s really helping you.” “Cait, come with Grandma,” Eiboline was not going to let nurses corner her little cousin while she went to call Sean for support. Grandma walked with Cait in hand down a hall, and a choice of halls at a nursing station. She glanced around and finally found the signs that indicated public toilets and phones. They walked in that direction until they found a payphone. A quarter later and a few words of love connection with Sean soon led into the reason for the call as Grandma told Daddy what was going on…. “The Hospital director is supposed to come and tell us about hospital rules. They are trying to force Cait to wear a diaper, and I fear police involvement might happen.” Cait saw the pre-pee in Grandma’s shaking and her voice. She was scared. She might be trying to pee her pants… but she’s keeping it inside strong to protect Cait. Cait looked down as she peed her boy underpants under the hospital gown. Grandma and Daddy talked a little more, and eventually Grandma seemed to come to an agreement with Daddy. “Okay. I’ll call Harmony. You call your brother-in-law’s lawyer?” Cait looked up. Harmony? Does Harmony control the hospital? Grandma took Cait to the bathroom, not to change her. Her panties were in the hospital room, but so Grandma could finish peeing in the toilet. Cait wondered if Grandma did have pre-pee in her panties, but she respected her Grandma too much to ask or look. It was an hour before the junior nurse came back to the hospital room. “Nurse Sandra has been asked to leave for the night,” the younger nurse whispered. “The director says I’m going to get paid extra tonight because he needs me to handle you specifically until your surgery.” The younger nurse was talking directly to CAIT. “My name is nurse Elora. I will be your nurse until surgery, okay?” “I like you,” Cait told Elora. “You talk to me.” “I peed my pants,” Cait told Elora not a moment later. “You can stay if you want, but Grandma gonna change my wet boy panties.” “Why boy panties?” Elora asked. “Because they give me more time to get to the bathroom before pre-pee becomes real pee. I meet, that if you see it… It’s pee on the floor and I get in trouble, but if it hiding in my panties… it not real pee yet, and I don’t get in trouble.” “Does your Uncle and Aunt hit you for peeing?” “No. They the ones that let me pick the boy panties because I wanted more time to get to the toilet. No. It just school gets mad if I pee in the chair, but school has forty minute rule for going to toilet. And then if I move from where I am after pee is on the floor at Mysery home, then I get trouble for making pee bigger… but boy panties means I can move further and maybe get on the toilet before it pees out of my panties.” Elora looked at Eiboline. Eyboline just shrugged. “Cait needs help. Why not let her be confident? God didn’t invent underwears and who wears what, did he?” “If you read the book with me,” Cait showed her the Xanth novel: A Spell for Chameleon, “It would be really fun. I don’t read good, but I can use a ruler and a biggafier to help me, and then hard words, you can tell me.” She looked up. “But you busy, right?” “Well, the new head nurse told me that my only job tonight, is to watch you. You are allowed not to wear diapers, but we are more worried about poop going all over you because of it, so I need to make sure you are not sitting in it, and actually, your big person isn’t supposed to change you while in hospital care. It’s a law thing. I hope that’s okay.” “You gonna tell me bad girl and tell me how bad pooping my pants is? Cause I already know it’s bad.” “No, Cait. Like you said, you already know what is normal. This isn’t your fault. It’s to help you. The reason we usually put little kids in diapers, anyone under twelve, I mean, is that it keeps the mess on your butt to reduce the spread of being uncomfortable, and the chance that you might get sick from sleeping in a mess if we don’t get to you right away because sometimes the hospital gets busy.” “Hey! If the first lady said that…. I don’t know… maybe I would say diapers is okay. But she made it sound like I baby! That why I said NO. Daddy said I choice. But that doesn’t mean I make stupid choice!” “Well, diapers off the table unless you request it. I’m your nurse tonight. The only way I’ll be called away from you is if they need everyone for an emergency, so you can just wear your boy panties, if you want.” “Okay. See? I told you I like you.” Elora did it different than Daddy. When I got a word that’s hard, she said okay. Look. She wrote the word on a paper. And then she covered the part of the word with paper and two papers even to make only the part to read. And breaked the word so I read as I know how. And then she move the paper so I read two parts together and then all three. It was slower than reading with Daddy. But I learned to read Chameleon for real. She put paper on C then AM then says say together. I read Cham. “That’s why the word is Chameleon, Cait. It has the rules in the word you already know. You just have to find the rules.” “Okay!” We read pages 11 to 25 together while Elora was reading with me, until I fell asleep. I pooped my pants again, but she didn’t say nothing about it. She pulled the blankets back as I was yawning. “May I change you?” She asked me? “Yeah. Sorry. It just happens.” “That’s the medicine, Cait. It’s supposed to just happen. Your body has a lot of reasons it can’t control it. Not just the hernia. You are a younger child, so it’s not going to take as long to go through you, and you don’t always feel it coming out because it may have done some nerve damage to you. We don’t know yet.” “What nervous damage?” “Nerve damage means that if your body gets too much pain too often, it stops feeling it as pain. Pain is our body’s way to warn us, to protect us from doing something that hurts. Like we don’t put our hand in a fire because we feel the heat. If you had really bad nerve damage in your hand, you could catch fire and die if you put your hand in the fire. But because of pain—when it works right, it won’t let you die.” “Oh! That’s like Daddy’s bulls in the pens by the house! They warn us snakes are there. They can’t kill all the snakes, but we know they there.” “That’s right, Cait! It’s exactly like that. The bulls are your farm’s nerves.”

Chapter 61 Billy Likes Me Cait was taken to a private room with Pastor Patterson, Another church man she didn’t know, Uncle Sean, and Auntie-grandma Eiboline. “You said that Cait is sick or something?” “Yes. She didn’t pee her pants the way you think on purpose means.” “Well, I’d like to think not. That’s not a normal thing for a child to do.” “Well, she’s had some very harsh experiences when it comes to a lack of money and how they talk to her about her toileting issues. Last week… Wednesday, I think it was, the doctor realized she has a hernia….” Uncle was talking about the hernia. “Billy might like you,” Kookaberry told her. “I know he likes me. He said I’m his sister.” “No…. I mean like seventh grade boy likes girl… like.” “He’s not in seventh grade,” Cait frowned. “Besides, I know what that kind of love is. Daddy does that kind of love. It’s you see a girl once a week or maybe two weeks, and you do something, and then your real girlfriend or wife hates the other girl for it and gets mad at you. That’s what happens at home.” “No…. Seventh grade like isn’t the same as that love. It’s different.” “Well, he held me with pee pee pants. He doesn’t like-like me. I’m just like his sister. That’s all.” “He loves you, Cait.” “I know. He loves me like a sister. There’s no stronger love than the way my sister protected me at the whole time Daddy was saying I’m just a fail. They love me. Ruth loves me. She sat in my pee on the floor in Sunday School just because I’m sick and it makes me pee my pants, but she sat with me because she can’t do only that, but it is bigger than she knows. And Billy? He puts me in his lap and tells his friend to call on the next reader to not blame me for not reading good. Billy is my brother and I love him, too.” “Cait?” Pastor Patterson seemed to need to say her name a couple of times. “Cait? Your guardians have given permission, but in this holy temple of God, we also ask a soul for permission.” “Soul?” “You, Cait…. You are the one that they are asking for a blessing on the behalf of. You understand? They asked for you, that Brother McMichaels and I ask God to watch your surgery. To help you find peace, and to not allow the hurtful words of the devil to get in the way of your healing. Would it be okay if we touch your head?” “Daddy says that Head annointedings is the devil work. He says only Priests who want power do those, but they don’t even real.” “Well,” the Pastor frowned. “I can appreciate that your Daddy has probably seen a lot of television Priests and maybe has had some experiences that he doesn’t trust for one reason or another. If you say don’t touch my head, we won’t. But if we can’t, can we say a prayer for you?” “You can say a prayer-er-er? If you want?” Cait’s hand went to her mouth on the first ‘er’ of the phrase, and she looked up into his face on the second ‘er’ of it. “May we hold hands?” “Okay.” Cait’s thumb was in her mouth on the ride home. Kookaberry was pinned to her shirt, but he was crooked in her arms, looking up at the heavens through the roof of the car. The people that loved Cait most, were in the front, sitting in quiet. One was driving, the other was patting an arm and looking back at the sleeping child, who was peeing her pants gain. And they stayed silent. Chapter 62 Summerstone Is In A Safer World The bumping of the rocks and uneven dirt path-roads jolted Cait and she knew they were out in the country where the farm was. She didn’t mind the waking. She was just in zero land, not a dream, and not awake. She did feel wetness on her dress. “Uncle-Daddy?” “Yes, Cait,” Sean answered looking at her from the passenger side, not the driver side of the car. Not like it would be if Mama and Daddy were coming home from church. The father’s place is in charge, in charge of the car and of the family at church, but not with Aunt and Uncle. “I wet my pants at church.” “We know that, little one. But do you remember what Billy said?” “What?” “About it meaning nothing to do with who you are?” “I be membered he said not to say his friend name is Miss Pissy Pants, and he said he’d tell on me if I say it one more time about his friend, but he talking about me.” “Well, he’s a true friend, Cait. Friends don’t let friends talk bad about themselves. They teach them why they are important.” “I think Billy lied at church. That makes Daddy’s God mad.” “Well, a lot of things makes Daddy’s God mad,” Sean frowned. “It’s not right. It’s just what he knows.” “But Daddy always right at home. Whatever he says, it happens.” Sean frowned. “Now.” The car stopped on the gravel drive, and Cait felt the car slide even though Cait thought Uncle-Daddy turned it off. Cait’s door was open, and she looked up at Sean, knowing if it were Daddy…. There was a lake on the seat. The dress had too many pee stains to hide. Cait smelled… more like Cait than ever. Sean picked her up, just like always. He kissed her forehead, and then he carried her in to the living room where he started to undress her while Auntie went to make lunch. “I’m just helping you get your dress off. It can be tricky to get a dress of when you’re all wet, hon.” “Yeah?” Cait’s thumb went into her mouth. “You want to talk to Summerstone after lunch, Cait-a-kins?” “Yeah,” Cait bounced as Uncle got her dress over her head. “Good, because I have to check the other animals, too. I also need to do some milking.” “How come you gotta milk everyday?” “Well…, that’s just how it’s done, Pet. If you don’t take care of the cows, they dry up on you.” “Can Summerstone come to my pen?” “I think we should give him two more days to get stronger first, Cait. But you can brush his coat. Horses love that.” “Horses wear coats?” Sean chuckled. “Not exactly. I’ll show you after lunch.” Cait ran in just wet panties from the living room to the kitchen, and then she saw Auntie about to throw out a box. “Can I have that?” Cait asked Auntie. “Hon, this is garbage. Why do you want a box?” “It’s paper. I can write on it, and Daddy won’t think I’m wasting your good paper, and he’ll let Grainne read it because kids just playing letters. If I wasted your paper, and he saw my writing, he wouldn’t let Grainne read it.” “How do you know that,” Auntie Eiboline frowned. “It’s just… Daddy says don’t draw using your good crayons. You wasting them. Don’t use good paper. Find scraps if you draw. He won’t see my letters, only kid can’t spell pic-ch-eers.” Eiboline frowned. “Sean? You need to tell Dan that Cait is writing to Grainne, and that we expect Grainne to get to see the letters.” “I don’t know, Eiboline. I don’t want to poke the bear. We’ve demanded a lot this last week.” “Look what she’s going to use for paper.” “What harm is that. You’re just throwing it out, and to Cait, that’s perfectly usable paper. Let’s let her.” “I mean, I’d like to think we could give her real paper,” Auntie said. “There’s no reason she should feel like she has to use scraps.” “Well, we could ask her why she asked for scraps rather than a notebook, though. But I sort of think I understand. You didn’t see them in the field, Eiboline. And upstairs in the bathroom. I don’t think Cait’s asking us to treat her with scraps. I think she’s trying not to seem better than her sisters.” Eiboline looked from Sean to Cait. Cait whispered. “Grainne probably can’t write to me at all. No paper at home, you see, unless she uses the back of something that’s not important. I was going to send some of the box for her to write on, but I don’t know if can get the post office to take it.” Auntie frowned. “Well, you can use the box if you want. If Grainne wants, though, I could send her some paper, envelopes, and stamps.” “You can’t. Daddy will think Grainne did something wrong and she’ll get in trouble.” “Well, family has a right to stay in touch, Cait. You let your mom and Auntie work it out, okay?” “But don’t get Grainne hit or nothing?” “No, hon. We’ll figure it out so Grainne doesn’t get in trouble for writing to you.” Cait at the table in just her wet underwears, and she started to eat. “Auntie knows how to talk to Mama,” Kookaberry told Cait. “But it’s not Mama she has to tell to let Grainne write to me.” “Isn’t it?” Kookaberry asked. “Daddy of the Crops doesn’t have to know that Grainne puts letters in Mama’s envelopes, does he?” Cait scooted back after drinking her juice, and she looked up at Uncle Dairy-Daddy. “Daddy? Can I go see Summerstone now?” “Cait, we talked about this, this morning. You’re wet, hon. Your baby will notice and get scared. You change your underwears first, and then you can go. Besides, I want you to wear jeans and boots outside.” “Why?” “Snakes, hon. While I’ve done what I can, Snakes can still slip in, and they can’t bite through boots and jeans are somewhat more protective than shorts.” “Okay.” Cait ran off to the bedroom to get her clothes changed. She wanted to go to her room anyway and so she could take the box outside to Summerstone with her crayons, and while she talks to her baby, she can start writing to Grainne. Chapter 63 Kookaberry Writes Cait laid her back against the fence after Uncle Sean had helped her brush Summerstone down. He showed her how to fix his hay so he was clean, and he showed her how to make sure he had water. Cait was learning to take care of her own baby horse. Uncle didn’t just say, well, take care of it. He was step by step teaching her to care for him, like Summerstone was real to Uncle Sean, and that Cait managing to take care of him was as important for Cait as it was for Uncle Sean. Kookaberry was in her lap. Summerstone sniffed at and tasted Cait’s hair. She giggled. “Let’s see…,” Cait chose a red D blue E Pink E and Purple R. DEER in many colors. Grainne was all in green, Grainne’s favorite color. “What do we tell Grainne about first?” Cait asked Kookaberry. “How about getting the paper for the letter. Daddy at home, what would he do if you asked for something already going to be put in the trash?’ Cait shivered. She didn’t want to think about that. The thought caused a little pre-pee in her underwears. “Okay. So….” And Cait drew a box and she made feet on it, and a trash can on it’s side where it was going. She put a hand down in front of the garbage can. She smiled. She wrote under the first little line of pictures all drawn in yellow crayon. “Kan I hab iss?” Kookaberry smiled at her. “Perfect. Grainne can read that perfectly.” “Before church,” Kookaberry tells Cait. You made friends that happen to go there. You should talk about Ruth before church. She’s… she’s been there, even when you pooped, remember?” Cait nodded. “Do I gotta tell Grainne I pooped on my friend’s hand?” “It’s your letter, Cait. Auntie said it’s not lying to just say what you need and not say what isn’t. Pooping on Ruth isn’t important. Her choosing to sit in your pee, is. She sat down in your pee because you were crying. Isn’t that a friend?” “Okay.” Cait drew a picture of herself in a swing. She drew a puddle on the ground under her. She drew Ruth looking right at the puddle, but under Ruth, she wrote: “Wat to pla?” Cait drew the other kids in a circle. Under Ruth, she wrote: “No Cat. You say it wrong, you meo at my frnd, you ot!” Under a boy she put Bly, she wrote. “You hrt my sis frnd, you hrt my sis, and you fite me.” She sighed. She drew Billy again with her in Billy’s lap. She drew a cross nearby. She drew water on the floor under the chair. “OK?” is all she wrote under the picture. “Perfect,” Kookaberry smiled. “That what he did.” Cait wrote on the bottom. “Mor hapen- I don’t draw becuz papare. You reed it? Tel- me if you Kan?” She looked at Kookaberry. “You have to draw on the back.” Cait looked at Kookaberry. “Be member when Ruth was trying to help, but Billy told her not to make you feel bad by aksadent? Be member? Now you wanted Grainne to know you know she did for you?” “Oh, about I told her to pee her pants?” “Yeah.” Cait turned the paper over and drew a big frown and wrote. “sawy” on it. Then she wrote Grainne outside doing the cuts with the curvy knife with Clo, and both of them puddles under them, and Cait’s head in the air. “You need do that.” Cait sighed. She drew her little sisters watching. She put a yellow X on them. “Sawy I said by them wating. It hrt. I sawy.” She looked at Kookaberry. “She’ll get it. It’s good.” Cait signed it. Luv Cait. Not Cat. She looked it over. “It’s good. I promise, Grainne will get it,” Kookaberry told Cait. Chapter 64 I Got Myself Up Pee suddenly flooded into my pants. I looked up and the sky was getting dark. I don’t know how long I was at peace with Summerstone tasting my hair and gently pushing his nose on me. I just knew I was pre-peeing, but I didn’t care. And then I had peed my pants. With a sigh, the little girl got herself up. “Sorry boy. Daddy Sean says when it getting dark, I go in the house. I back out tomorrow, okay?” She hugged her baby horse; she patted the mommy horse. “Thank you not taking your baby away when I peed. I didn’t mean to.” Then she carefully closed the fence to protect her baby and its mother. Cait looked over at the water on the mudroom floor, and she knew. She had forgotten something! “Auntie!” she gasped. She ran out into the kitchen her boots still on. “I’m so sorry. I forgot to help with the water!” “Cait!” Auntie bent down and put an arm around her shoulder. “Cait. You’re just ten years old. You were just zoned into writing a letter and wanting to talk to your new pet. There’s no harm. Uncle Sean helped me this time. It’s okay.” “But…, I love our time together to get the water.” “Well…, then you’ll remember tomorrow, hon. You don’t have to say you are sorry though for being ten years old. Kids forget things when they are in a moment.” Cait looked up at her. “So I can still get water with you?” “Of course, Cait.” Cait hugged her Auntie-grandma. The more she stayed with her, the more like grandma than Auntie she was to Cait. Always forgiving. Always trying to cheer her. Always telling her not to worry when she makes trouble, and teaching her how to clean up what she can. It really should be Grandma Eiboline. But Cait promised to show respect, and respect means that she calls her Aunt. So she told herself, that’s what she says to Eiboline. She says Auntie or Aunt Eiboline, but in her heart, it will always be Auntie-grandma. “Can I tell you a secret?” Cait asked Auntie-grandma. Auntie bent down. “I peed my pants in the horses place, and no one cared.” Auntie smiled and whispered. “That’s as it should be, sweetheart. Pee is no one’s business but the one doing it. You make it our business when you need help, but it’s not our business until you make it ours by either being too scared to do something about it, or just wanting help because you’re a little girl with a body that’s been hurt too much.” Cait embraced her Grandma-Auntie. Yeah. That feels more right. Grandma-Auntie, only Auntie spoken out loud so she doesn’t disrespect her loving Auntie-cousin. She loves her so much! Auntie has a right to check on Cait, and so does Daddy Sean. Daddy Dan? He might have to earn that back. He scares Cait more than ever, now. More because she knows now. Daddy Dan’s way isn’t the only way. She’s allowed to be checked for pooping her pants without everyone seeing it done. “I’m allowed to not have the neighbors watch me get checked when I know I pooped in my panties.” Sean walked in and he saw Cait standing there her boots still on, pee dripping down her legs to the floor from her jeans, and Auntie Eiboline not telling her to remove her boots, but hugging her and patting her wet bottom. “That’s as it should be. Peeing is private, Cait.” Uncle Sean walked over and bent down to Cait. “Looks like I missed something.” “No you didn’t, Daddy! You’re here just on time. I peed my pants outside, but I’m okay. And for now, you are Daddy. I tell Dan Daddy only cause I have to, but you… you are Daddy. You and Gra… sorry… Auntie, you are my real love.” “Can I change my pants by myself?” Cait asked Auntie. “Yes, sweetheart. That’s as it should be. When you’re not scared or needing to be held because the world is too big sometimes, then healthy ten year old girls who sometimes pee their pants, change their pants on their terms, hon. That’s healthy and that’s normal.” Daddy smiled. “Exactly. You get Daddy when you NEED Daddy. Daddy doesn’t just go in the bathroom with you just because. He has to be needed. That’s a daddy and that extends to changing your clothes if you pee, hon. Although, I’d like a favor from you?” “Yeah?” “Pooping is hard for a little girl to clean up. You can choose who to go to and how it happens, but you really should get help until you are a little older when poopy goes into your Undies. Can Daddy have you promise that? Not that Daddy cleans you, but you choose, but you don’t do it by yourself, not until you are ready, hon.” “Okay. I don’t like trying to do it alone anyway. I did before, you know. To try to hide pooping my pants from the other Daddy. But he always knew because I can’t do it right.” “Well, you come and get someone safe, right Cait? From now on, don’t do it yourself. You want to know why Uncle Sean…?” “DADDY!” Cait stomped her foot. “Yes, okay. You want to know why Daddy says you get help and you don’t do it yourself?” “I already know,” Cait reached up and hugged him. “Daddy loves me. Daddy agrees me, that it’s too hard, not because I Cait, but because kids don’t can get poop off their back easy.” “Yes, that is a part of it, sweetheart. But it’s also a concern for your health. If we think you need it, we can suggest you take a bath without taking you, if you just pee. You’re a big girl and pee is just water. It comes off easily. But poopy….” “It sticky and gets everywhere.” “It does, doesn’t it?” Sean doesn’t even look like he’s trying to hold back a sigh at her interruptions, but rather, seems to pat her wet backside and keeps talking to her like she was invited to add to the conversation. “But the real reason, Cait, is that when you don’t get it clean, bacteria can get into your little girl areas… places that will get really uncomfortable. It will cause you to get sick. That’s why girls wipe poopies front to back, where as boys, don’t care. Our bodies are made different, but even a boy should get help if he poops his pants at ten years old.” “Oh. So poop causes sickness?” “It can, sweetheart. Pee can too, if you don’t clean up. But you’re ten. You are smart. And pee is water, so it comes off easier if you take a bath.” “Okay.” “Go take a bath like a normal ten year old,” Daddy told her. Cait smiled. “Okay.” She stomped her foot for emphasis. “DADDY.” The adults looked at each other, and they smiled. “Dan’s going to say we’re spoiling her,” Grandma-Auntie whispered, but Cait heard. “Well… it’s not spoiling to teach a ten year old to take care of herself. She might have some challenges that makes expecting her not to wet her pants difficult right now, but she’s still a normal ten year old girl that should have the right to bathe herself,” Daddy nodded. “Her daddy left her in our care. If he didn’t want us to teach her to be healthy, maybe he should have been her Daddy and kept her on his own farm and taught all the girls right!” Cait woke up early on Monday morning, and she laid in the wet bed for a minute. She felt her bladder slowly leaking. She pulled her little Kookaberry to her stomach and it sitting on her, she asked. “What do you think Daddy will do if I cry if I pee my pants?” Kookaberry sat there a moment, as if he had his thumb in his mouth, too. “Well, which daddy?” “The one here. The one that’s in my heart my daddy.” “Well, he said he can still take you to the bathroom, if you want him to. He said the only thing that changed, is you get to not give him permission. He said he doesn’t just come in. You can go in by yourself. But I think he means when you feel okay. I think if you crying, he’d pick you up and think he has permission unless you said no.” “Yeah?” “I mean, you can ask him. He’s not like the other one. He doesn’t hit you for not getting it, and for asking for help to get it. He the one that let you take that paper from the trash without asking you why. He the one that let you sit in a boy lap and knows you peed on the boy. He doesn’t yell for you doing something everything. Right?” “Yeah.” Cait’s body started to push. “I’m pooping my pants.” “I know. Daddy won’t care though. He’ll make you take someone with you though. He said getting clean is more important than your privacy, but he said, too, you can choose someone safe to go with you. It doesn’t him if you choose Auntie instead.” “Grandma-Auntie,” Cait whispered. “You know the real word. You say Grandma-Auntie, not just Auntie… when it just you and me. It doesn’t disrespect to think truth, as long as we say respect by them.” “Yeah. You’re right. I’m sorry.” Sean walked down the hall and knocked at her door though it was open, he didn’t look in around the corner at her in bed. He knocked at the door and waited. “Yeah?” Cait asked pulling the blanket up over her bedding accident as he looked up at him. “Do you want to spend time with Summerstone?” Daddy asked. “Um… I pooped my pants.” “Well, you know that’s not your fault, right?” “I still did it. I not scared you know. That’s why I telling you. But it kind of feels funny you looking at it.” Sean smiled. “You’re just becoming aware, hon. How about we clean you up? If you want, I can get Auntie to help.” Cait shook her head and reached her arms up at Daddy. “You.” Sean smiled, pulled the blankets back, and lifted his little girl out of the brown puddle she was in. “As long as you need me, Cait-a-kins. Daddy will be here for you. You have a bad day and need to cry, you have a shoulder. You have a wet skirt and need encouragement, in Daddy’s lap you can come. You need a bath and want Daddy? Daddy will clean you as much as is appropriate. But Daddy knows you are growing up. That means Daddy only needs to clean off the poopy places or the places that can make you sick it it doesn’t get clean enough.” Cait hugged him as he told her how he was going to be going things from here, forward, and it made her feel even more… that he was the Daddy she’d always wanted. She sighed. Why didn’t Dan want to be that Daddy? But she didn’t ask. She had her Daddy, for now. As the happy little ten year old held her Daddy’s hand and walked towards the pen for the horses, she and Daddy talked. “I wrote my letter to Grainne last night. You can mail it today?” “When we go to the park.” “You didn’t say we going to the park,” Cait looked up at him. “Well, I think routines are good for kids. Chores help with that, but so does scheduled playtime that lets you know, this is your time to unwind and be a child. I don’t think kids really know when the time is theirs, and when they might get called to do something. This sort of sets the expectation that Monday afternoons are Cait’s time. And Tuesdays, we are going to the library.” “Really?” “Your Auntie is the one that actually suggested we do this. She said the library was important, so I told her that you need playtime. She agreed, so we decided Mondays are play days and Tuesdays are Library days unless something important comes up.” “Okay.” “Is your letter to Grainne private?” “Yeah.” “That’s all I’ll ask then. You have a right to have privacy with your sisters, Cait. You are a soul, not just a little kid that gets controlled like a toy.” Cait fed Summerstone in clean clothes just like the day before. She is different today though. She knows that she knows how to feed not just her baby horse, but also the pigs, the chickens, and even the cows. Cait can come into breakfast and smile at Auntie that she is able to do stuff. She’s not stupid no more. “Auntie? Daddy says we can mail my letter at the park today.” Eiboline nods and smiles. “After breakfast, I need to get water.” “Daddy? Can I help on the farm after I get water with Auntie? Getting water with Auntie is our time.” “Sweetheart, you never have to ask to spend time with either of us. Just let us know, and if there’s a problem, we’ll let you know.” Cait was bouncing in her seat. “I pooped my pants this morning,” Cait told Auntie. “You can say that after breakfast, love. Some things are not conversations for meals, okay?” “Okay. I just wanted you to know I not scared to tell you.” “That does mean a lot to me, love. But remember what I said about some things need to be said. You know I have to clean your bedding, so I’d know even if you didn’t say so.” “I know. But now you know it’s got poop water in it, so you can be prepared.” “Okay. We’re eating now, hon. No more talk about poop water until we finish eating, okay?” “Okay.” Chapter 65 Ron’s Disaster We walked along the trail with the signs at the cross roads. The Cait space, the well, the house and the X. These are Sean’s directions. They say he loves me enough to put the sign in my language, with pictures. As Cait and Auntie walked towards the hill, Cait noticed Auntie stopped walking. Her bucket stopped swinging. She looked into the field again. The wild field, far off, but Auntie looked at it like it was right in front of Cait and Auntie. “Auntie?” “His name was Ronald,” Auntie sighed. “Our dead boy. It’s been twelve years to the day. It was today when the snake and the bull and it all happened. It was so fast. I had no idea there was even a snake out there….” Auntie’s voice sounded like sandpaper was scratching words as they came out of her mouth. “The boy…,” Auntie frowned as her tears spilled down her face. “Ron…. He was so concerned he had pooped his pants. He asked if it was okay he pooped his pants, his chest with a hole it in!” Auntie sat down on the ground. “I don’t even know why he’d think I’d even noticed his pants until he said it. There was this gapping hole in his chest. He was barely breathing. He ask me. Is it okay, Mommy? I pooped.” She sat there on the ground, her hands holding her face. She cried. I rubbed her back. “He loved you.” “Auntie? Is the field safe?” Cait asked. Auntie looked up at her. “Why?” “Because if it’s safe, I’ll get the water today. I watch you all the time. I’m strong. I won’t fill your bucket all the way. I’ll fill mine and bring it back and pour it in yours, a little at a time. I’ll make three trips. Then… you’ll know I’m safe. I won’t get too close. I watch you. Do you trust me?” Auntie frowned. “Do I trust you? What kind of question is that, girl? Of course I trust you.” “Then I can get the water. You see Ron’s field. You need this. It’s like the pre-pees in your panties. If you don’t go over there, it’s going to get worse and worse all day until you fully poop your panties, somehow. It might meet you yell at me. Even I do nothing. It might meet you make dinner run. It might meet anything… but if you don’t control your pre-pee, you will poop your pants in the grownup way.” “Shadow!” Cait called. “See Auntie? I have shadow. He doesn’t let you walk into snakes. I can’t walk into a snake. It’s because Shadow. She is watching. Or you can take him. Your grass is taller.” “No, Cait. I’ll feel better if Shadow is with you. I’ll be okay. I know what I’m doing.” “Then you go and pray your be spects to Ron and tell Ron thank you for Kookaberry and for his clothes and his bedroom. Tell him I’m careful with his dresser shrine, too. And you tell him your hurts. Yeah?” Auntie stood up. Cait looked up at the sky like she didn’t see it. The ground was mysteriously wet, but Cait pretended the sky was more important until she skipped off not looking back at Auntie. She was learned that Grainne was upset that Roisin knew she’d pee her pants, so Auntie would be upset if Cait knew… so Cait would pretend she didn’t see. Besides, these were water pails they had. Maybe somehow, some water that was still in them got on Auntie. Cait didn’t know for sure… except her Auntie’s dress was kind of wet… even for the little bit of water that might be on the buckets. But she skipped off. Auntie is big. Daddy said Cait can clean herself if she pees. Cait played around with Shadow by the buckets while she watched Auntie in the field. She couldn’t see clearly, but she could see her moving. She pulled some grass away. There was a very visible little t in the field now. Cait could see it. Shadow growled. “What is it, girl?” She whined and looked towards Auntie. “Get it!” Shadow didn’t have to be told twice, she ran towards it and then Cait sat it. A great diamond patterned snake with browns and greens all over it’s body, it was sliding and twisting into something like rope. “Shadow! Leave it!” Cait called worried. “Shadow!” The dog look back. The snake was still coiling. “Shadow!” Shadow ran back to Cait. The snake was now visible in the grass, it’s head swaying and its tail shaking and making this strange noise. “Cait!” Daddy called from the direction of the Cait pen on the sigh. He ran taking with him, a large bull. “Where’s your Auntie?” “Ron’s field.” Daddy frowned. “Shadow, heel, Cait, you stay behind me. Old Buckertooth here is going to lead us over. The snake won’t bother him if we don’t get too close to it. We’re just taking him to warn us of others. You stay behind me. The animal can turn in an instant, and being behind it isn’t safe either.” And Daddy started to lead Cait towards Auntie and the field where they pray. As Cait and Daddy walked through the field, Cait found her story. Was it a lie? It made sense to her. The snake was there. Shadow was there all along. Someone told her when an animal can kill another, the animal senses it. It pees to get ready to run. Shadow peed on the ground. She was remembering Ron. Shadow peed. Grandma didn’t watch it. Shadow didn’t know where the snake was. She was listening for it. Then she growled and I see it. Auntie was watching as Daddy and Sean walked into the gate and let Shadow in with them. Daddy tied Buckertooth to the fence outside of the sanctuary. They didn’t need the bull inside there. “Cait’s so smart,” Auntie praised. “I saw her do as she said. She didn’t got to the well three times, she went five times, four to fill my bucket. She knows I was hurting. I trusted, and I was proven right. She knew when to ask Shadow to find the snake and when to call Shadow back from it. She waited for you to help her. She’s so smart, Sean!” “Cait… I was proven right by trusting you,” Grandma-Auntie told her. “You let Shadow find and show the snake, and you knew to call her before she was close enough to get a bite. That’s a skill many adults never get right, Cait.” Cait looked down. “It wasn’t. I didn’t know. I just saw the snake and I didn’t want Shadow to die. I just called her. Daddy says to watch the animals. Animals warn. They can’t always stop or kill the danger. They warn. I saw the snake. That’s all I needed, right? So I knew if it was okay to pee my pants… I did.” “Well, you earned the right to pee your pants this time,” Uncle told her. “You peed at the right time. The snake didn’t notice. And you might not know it yet, but that is still a skill. You loved Shadow, but good instincts tell you the difference between when you send a dog to find danger, and when to call it back before it’s put in harm’s way. You got it perfectly right, Cait-a-kins. And I’d take your little pissy panties any day over someone that would have left the dog to deal with the snake; killing the dog!” “Come,” Auntie put a hand out towards to Cait. “You earned this. You can see where we put an outdoor shrine to our boy. We weren’t allowed to bury him here, so we got him cremated.” “Like made into cream?” “No Cait. It’s a ritual that’s not exactly Christian, but our Pastor says that God can make bodies whole out of just a speck of dust, so he saw nothing wrong with this. With Ron Cremated, and with some of the ash mixed in with the soil, the government couldn’t do something they can’t prove. We scattered the ash around this field. That’s why we let it grow wild. This is Ron’s field. Ron loved high grassy fields and spirits can’t be bitten by snakes, so there was no reason to take Ron’s high grassy field away from him.” “I peed. It’s a Sacreted place. I stay out,” Cait frowned. “I wet my pants, too, Cait,” Auntie suddenly admitted. “I don’t know why I did it. It was before we knew anything about the snake. I guess… I was just way overwhelmed by seeing the field this morning. I mean, any other morning, what was I thinking leaving you to get the water by yourself? But you proved something to me, Cait. I was right to trust you. And you are welcome in this field in pee pee or even poopy panties anytime as long as Uncle or I am with you. We need to know, Cait.” Cait nodded. “I know. You just protecting me. Not cause I stupid. But cause I a kid, and it is the grownups job to protect kids.” “Let’s take Buckertooth back to his field so he can rest. He’s earned it, and Shadow’s earned some extra treats, too, Cait, if you want to get it for her when we get back. Then we can get ready to go to the park. You’ll have a lot to tell Ruth.” “Daddy? Ruth is coming?” “Her parents and your Aunt and I set it up. Every Monday, the children will play at the park from two in the afternoon until around four thirty. I know that’s hard to understand, but it means the little hand is on the two when we start, and the big hand is on the twelve. And we finish when the little hand is….” “… I know!” Cait got excited. “And the little hand is the four and the big hand is the six, and that’s finish time!” Daddy patted her head. “You did tell me once that you could read the big hand on the twelve and the Six, didn’t you?” Cait smiled. As they walked into the house, Cait started to stripping her pants off in the kitchen down to her boy underwears. She was soaked but Daddy and Auntie knew. Auntie told her she peed her pants, but Cait didn’t care about that. Auntie just needed to see her died son, then she can be okay for a while. Cait checked on Summerstone again and brushed him, she got her letter ready in Auntie’s envelope, and she took a quick shower to be clean. Ruth is her friend. She doesn’t want Ruth to worry. Then she and the Kinsellas went out to buy her some bread at a convenience store for lunch and to mail the letter on the way. Ruth smiled when Cait caught up. “I told she was coming,” Ruth told the group of kids. “Am I late?” Cait asked. “No. They just didn’t want to believe me. But I knew you were coming. We’re best friends.” “I tell you about my morning before we play? It was scary, but then… then… then Daddy and Auntie said I was smart.” “Okay,” Ruth looked at the others. “You don’t have to listen. We’ll join you in a minute if you want to start.” “Daddy gave me a bath this morning, but then he told me something. He said I can choose. he doesn’t do it to bath for me if I pee my pants. He said I don’t have to get checked like a baby just because my body pees sometimes.” “That’s… um… normal,” Ruth said. “I peed my pants at church last year, like a lot, and my dad always asked. Do I want help?” “Oh.” “Well, then after breakfast, we were going to get water. Auntie had to visit her kid.” Ruth frowned. “I didn’t know the Kinsellas had a kid.” “Well, he died like twelve years ago,” Cait frowned. “That’s a long time ago. I don’t think we lived here yet.” “We didn’t Ruth,” Billy came over to see what they were saying. “We moved here almost six years ago, and we met the Kinsellas about five years ago.” “Oh.” “Anyway, they have this shrine in their fields to the boy. So Auntie went to visit…. Then, this snake? It was maybe that long!” Cait tried to guess how long with her hands spread apart from one another. It was really big. It made Shadow growl. Shadow is Ron’s dog.” “Whose Ron?” Ruth asked. “Daddy and Grandma’s kid?” Cait whispered. The two looked at each other. “I thought it was Uncle-Daddy and Auntie,” Ruth frowned. “Well, it changed,” Cait said. It’s Daddy. Daddy does what you said is normal Ruth, but the Daddy at my other home… he says I just a stupid baby. He mad every pee on the floor, and tells me to just pee where I at, Stop moving. Don’t go bathroom if my pants are even a little wet.” “That’s mean!” Ruth put her thumb in her mouth. “You know you’re not stupid though,” Billy asked Cait. “I know. I not saying it. Daddy at the other farm says it.” “That’s not a Daddy,” Billy says. “He might be your old man. You can say he’s your father. But not all fathers are Daddies. Daddy is something that you do to love your kid. Like Ruth and me. We have a Daddy. And like Sean. He acts like your Daddy even though he’s not even your father. That’s a Daddy.” Cait sighed. “Okay.” “I don’t understand something,” Billy frowned. “If Sean is Daddy, why isn’t Mrs. Kinsella Mommy?” Cait shrugged. “She’s nice like a Grandma. You can pee on the floor, and she thinks it’s cute. She makes you sweets. She shows you how to make things better, like clean up pee off a rug and doesn’t let you sleep in a bed you pooped in in the morning.” Billy and Ruth looked at one another. “Mommies are like that.” Cait shook her head. “Not my Mommy. She can’t do nothing if…,” she put a finger on her lip. “...if father says she don’t do it. She can’t smile and say cute. She can’t make sweets. She can’t let me go toilet. I pee at table while I do homework. Father is not allow it. Last week, we went to the library, and Daddy talked to me about Kookaburras from the books, and Grandma showed me picture books and then said I can read, but there no letters on the page.” Brother and sister, they looked at each other, and then they looked down. Cait was tired of talking. It just made her friends think too much and look sad. “Let’s go play,” Cait said holding her hand out to Ruth. “I can be it. I am strong now. I can see a snake and do it right. Daddy even says so.” “Three new people to start,” one of the other kids frowned. “Only one it, though. How we going to decide who’s it?” “Already did,” Ruth called. “Cait said she can be it. She’s strong.” The kids ran off in all directions. Cait glanced playfully evil at Ruth. Ruth saw it and gasped in a giggle as she ran from Cait. They ran around swings, through the monkey bars, and up steps and down slides. Cait didn’t even notice any pre-pees. She was on the top of the slide when she felt warmth flowing down her legs. No one said anything, and they continued like Cait hadn’t done anything at all. Ruth was it, and she was running behind things, so Cait lost track of where she was. She looked to the slides, and Ruth wasn’t there. She looked to the swings… no. The little girl was…. “You’re it,” she came out from behind a crowd of people and tapped her elbow. In the car, Cait yawned. Though it was four-thirty, it felt to Cait like the day had already lasted well beyond normal. She had an exciting morning that would last a life time, and then she played at the park, and now, it just felt like it should be time to sleep. “How did it go today?” Auntie asked as though she hadn’t been there watching. “We played,” Cait said. “Ruthie said we playing next week, too. It was fun.” “No problems with other kids at all?” Sean asked. “Na-uh, not even when I peed. We just kept playing and it was... the water puddle was always there. No one acted it is bad.” Cait was yawning. Her eyes were closing. She was safe. Chapter 66 Kookaberry Reads Cait woke up on Tuesday morning, and she blinked. Something wasn’t right. She felt her hands between her legs. Her Underwears were dry. She pushed on the bed. It was dry. She pulled the blanket back. A very light yellow stain from not being able to get the stain out was in the sheet, but it was dry. Her legs squeezed together. “Are you gonna pee your pants?” she heard a quiet whisper. “Is that you, Kookaberry?” “No,” there was something almost like a laugh in the voice of the cautious voice. “Everyone expects you to pee. If you don’t pee at least some in the bed or in the hallway, are you sure they won’t ask you where you hid your underwears?” “Is that you, ghost?” A faint visage of a little girl maybe a couple of years younger than Cait was appearing. “Maybe?” Cait sat up in the bed and put her hands on her underpants again. They were dry. There was a pressure in her tummy. “I didn’t see you all day yesterday,” Cait frowned at the ghost. “Did you miss me?” “Maybe.” “Well, I saw the snake. You peed your pants. That was me. I’m the one that wet you.” “Oh.” “I couldn’t say you peed though.” “Why?” “Well… um….” Cait saw a memory of her aunt, raising to her feet to cross the distance to Ron’s field, the back of her dress soaked. “Why’s that matter?” Cait asked. “If a grownup is allowed to pee her pants, what would you even listen to? Cait, you’re peeing,” but a woman already did it. It’s just not scary, is it?” Cait shrugged. “The snake was already more scary. You can’t be more scary than that.” Cait put her feet over the bed. “You’re trying to go the bathroom. But Cait? Your Auntie peed her pants.” Cait frowned. “Yeah?” “If she pees her pants in the day. You don’t pee at night….” Kookaberry whispered. “Cait? The ghost….” “BOO!” Kookaberry was quiet. “Is it okay for you to pee in the toilet while Auntie pees her bed?” Cait felt a little bit squirt in her undies. “That’s not going to let Auntie off. She fully peed herself, Cait.” The pee fully flooded her underwears as she stood up and then she saw Daddy at the door looking in at her. “Sweetheart? Almost make it?” Daddy asked. “I… um… guess?” Cait whispered shaking. “Cait? You look a little upset,” Daddy whispered. “I don’t want to stop you being a big girl, but I don’t want you to be scared. How are you feeling?” Cait stared at Uncle Daddy for a long moment. She sighed. “Did Auntie pee the bed?” “Cait, no! Why would you think that?” “Auntie peed yesterday. That’s all.” “Cait, she doesn’t do that. Yesterday, she was overwhelmed at the loss of our son. Don’t hold one moment of weakness against her. She’s human. We all have a moment of weakness now and again.” “Did you ever pee?” “Yes.” Cait looked down. “Okay.” “It’s okay to know, Cait. It’s not okay to judge without knowing why.” “Yeah. I saw Gr...Auntie. She was pre-peeing. Not like pee pee, but like, her hands were white. Her body was shaking. She was looking at the field.” “Then you understand it was a body response, not a failure to understand what she needed to do, right?” “Yeah. I sorry. I peed on purpose.” “We’ve been over and over this Cait.” “Not this, Daddy. This was. The ghost. The ghost told me I’d make Auntie feel like Grainne.” “What do you mean?” “On Friday, when I told Grainne to pee in front of the little sisters. Grainne looked red and a little like she didn’t want me to say that. But I told her wrong.” “Cait?” Daddy said and waited like he was trying to make me hear him. “I’m going to not tell your Auntie what you said. That will upset her a lot more than that you made it to the potty once when she didn’t.” “Why?” “She knows you are having a lot of self doubt and issues, Cait. She loves you. She wants to teach you right, and if you believe that peeing your pants will help her… remember what I said about horses sensing you if you go to them in wet pants?” “Yeah?” “Well, women have this thing that is like instinct. Some people call it a woman’s intuition, and some call it a mother’s intuition. But it means, women understand things sometimes, things that are not said. If she catches you peeing your pants on purpose, she’ll know that for some reason, you believe this protects her, and that will make her doubt if she’s your grandma.” “I did’t say Grandma.” “Cait, you were going to say it at least twice. People around you do hear you, a lot more than Dan and maybe even your mom did, Cait. We heard you call Auntie grandma, and we don’t mind. I heard you staying Uncle-daddy, Dairy-Daddy, and other meanings. You are a clever child, but we can see you and hear you, Cait. We catch you when you are at your most needy, and we hear you say… I need a real Daddy. I need a grandma. We smile and we fill those roles the best we can.” “The best you can? Daddy, you and Auntie are so good to me. I just don’t understand. If you are not mad me all the time, why is Daddy? Am I really bad?” Sean frowned and looked back towards the bedroom where Eiboline was still sleeping. “Honey, I think they love you. They just…. It’s not always easy for people, Cait.” “Why?” “I sure wish I had those answers, sweetheart. But how about your show them how it’s done? How about you get your panties changed and you go take care of Summerstone like you wish your parents would hold you, child?” “Okay.” Sean bent down and he picked her up patting her soggy pajamas. “You just remember one thing. Whatever you call Eiboline and me, we do care, sweetheart.” “I know.” Cait frowned. “Daddy?” “Yes, hon?” Sean was still holding her in his hands. “I want Summerstone to know that I am just a girl. I pee my pants, and I don’t lie to him. I don’t think it’s nice he thinks I am different. I want to feed him in just wet panties and a shirt. Is that bad?” “Not if you are not scared, Cait. As long as the horse senses the love more than the hurt and the fear, then it’ll be okay.” Cait arrived at the stable with the mommy horse and her little Summerstone. Summerstone walked slowly over and then nudged Cait. He pushed at Cait’s shoulder, and he tasted her hair again. “It’s me, boy. This is how I smell sometimes.” Summerstone rubbed its head against her again. A snort of warm air blew into her chest through her flimsy pajama top. Cait giggled. Shadow walked over by the gate and watched from the outside. I smiled and nodded at Shadow. “Soon. I’ll feed you, too, girl.” Daddy helped Cait with the feed for the horses, and then helped her make the Mama Mere comfortable so the baby could eat. Then Cait fed Shadow before going with Auntie to the well again. There was no sadness this time. They got the water, and the morning continued. Hours later, they were at the library parking lot…. They returned the books that they checked out the week before, the two on a Kookaburra, the three picture books upon Auntie’s insistence, and now, Eiboline guided her little niecie-grand-cousin to a table while while Sean seemed to be looking through some shelves by himself. “You peed your pants at that table right over there,” A small voice in her head that was maybe four years older than Cait. “Last time, the kids that saw were too old to care. I wonder if any fifth graders will be here today. Maybe Angela from Church?” “Angela?” Cait asked a little worried. “Why not? Angela is staying the summer. She could be here. Or how about other fifth graders who don’t know you yet?” “I’m gonna pee my pants?” Cait looked up at Auntie. “Right now? Do you want to try to go to the bathroom?” “No. It’s the ghost. It’s the girl that keeps telling me when bad is coming, and then it happens when Kookaberry gets quiet. I’m gonna wet my pants. Is it okay?” “Pet, you tell that ghost that you are ALLOWED to pee your pants, and that just because it says you will, doesn’t mean you will.” “Okay.” “You’re gonna poop ‘em… and then your Auntie won’t save you. Your Uncle Daddy will be too embarrassed to save you. You will be alone because the adults will be shaming your bigs for taking you out of the safety of the farm and putting you in public.” “I been in here, and church, and in movie before. I peed in this library last week. You said so.” “And that turned out just fine, did it? You didn’t cry?” Cait frowned. “BOO!” Kookaberry seemed to be invisible. For a minute, Cait couldn’t even find his outer shell. “Grandma! I can’t find him!” “Find who?” Auntie asked. “Kookaberry! He’s not here!” “You just had him, Cait. Take a breath, okay? Now, let’s look where he could have fallen.” Cait looked under the table, and he wasn’t there. Then she saw his foot sticking out from under the chair she was on. She reached down. “Kookaberry!” “Here,” Auntie smiled and pinned its leash to my shirt. “That’ll keep Kookaberry safely with you.” Cait sighed. “That’s not funny, Ghost! Kookaberry doesn’t make you just appeared.” “Just because he’s too stupid to play fair….” Cait put her tongue out at the ghost. “Put your tongue out…. But you’ll poop your pants here. You watch!” “Maybe…,” a whisper came not from a fourteen year old teen ghost girl, but from a ghost two years younger than Cait again. “Maybe… it will be better if Roisin poops her pants?” the Ghost threatened. “I wonder if Daddy will be happy if she poops in the sheets in bed tonight. You doubt me? You wrote a letter. Grainne will answer. Let’s see if Roisin poops her pants tonight before morning… yeah?” Cait frowned. Her face failed. “Or how about Grainne… right in front of Roisin and even Aoibhe? Yeah… right in front the baby, a big giant pooping in her panties…. “No,” Cait said out loud. She felt her face heat up. “I’ll do it.” “Your choiiice?” the ghost seemed to shrug and disappear. Cait looked up at Auntie and she took two deep breaths. “You gotta yell at me.” “Yell at you?” “Yeah. When you want, but you gotta.” “Cait. Dan can’t do anything over here.” “I… I… I’ll break your good sugar bowl at home if you don’t yell at me.” Eiboline frowned. “Wait here, Cait.” She went off somewhere and Cait saw neither Sean nor Eiboline. Cait’s eyes looked this way and that. She got up from her seat even though she was told to stay, and she walked to edge of that reading area. She looked left. There was no Daddy. She looked Right. There was no grandma. She went back to the table, but didn’t sit. “Kookaberry?” The doll was silent. She walked back to the edge of the reading area. She looked right. No Auntie. She looked left. No Uncle. She stood there. “What do I do? What do I do? What do I do?” She walked back to the table and stood there again, by her seat, finger rubbing along the hard plastic seat back. It was orange. The seat was black. “Kookaberry?” she whispered. Her voice came out into the real world, but only just. The Stuffed bear was still silent. “Poop your pants,” echoed in her head, but she didn’t see the ghost. “I can’t right now. It’s not coming out,” she whispered, her voice just softly touching the stale air of the real world, but not carrying. She pulled her fingers through her hair. She stepped one foot in front of the other where she stood and bent at her waist. What to do? Cait walked not straight back from her table as she had been doing, but this time, to the left of facing her table and came to an aisle where she looked left. The exit hall was that way, and she could sort of see a toilet sign down that way. “If you want it in my pants, then I can just go over there?” she asked the ghost. “You tried that at church, don’t you remember? Besides, if your Aunt and Uncle wrote home that you sat on the toilet and did it on purpose, how would that look? I wonder if he’d blame Grainne for teaching you to do it in your panties on the toilet?” “But he wouldn’t?” “He wouldn’t? This is Daddy Weimer. He forgets things, and you know you can’t deny he didn’t teach you that trick, so who would he blame it on? The Kinsellas?” No, Daddy just blames kids. Cait knew that much. Adults never make mistakes. “Please… I’m trying to poop. I promise,” Cait’s lips moved but the air didn’t move the sound past her lips. “I will, I promise. Just give me time….” She looked the other direction. She didn’t see Uncle or Auntie. “Your big people will come back if you just pre-pee a little bit in your panties… enough that you know you’re wet, but it has to feel wet without having to show up. If you do that much, I’ll let you poop in the car on the way home.” Cait nodded. “Go pee sitting at the table then.” Cait walked towards the table. “Of course, since you are changing the deal, I am too. One of your sisters will wet her pants today.” “What? No!” “Do you want your dad to find out?” “No?” “Then don’t change the deal any more.” “I can pee all the way in my pants at the table,” Cait said. “And then poop my pants in the car?” “Good,” the face of Grainne faced her. “So my sisters?” “Did I promise to negotiate? You already made it so one of them pees. If you change what you just said, Grainne poops and another sister pees… in front of Daddy.” “But! That’s not even! You said just poop in the car and a little bit wet at the table!” “Hey. You are the one that said you could pee all the way. Now, you do so, or your oldest sister poops right in front of Daddy and Aoibhe pees her pants!” “No! Not her! She hasn’t done it, yet.” “Then you pee at the table, and you poop your pants in the car… when you leave the library. No matter where else you go, you poop in the car as soon as you leave the library. No take backs.” Cait folded her arms. “Fine!” “Good. Now look! See? You do what you say, and I can bring your big people back! Look! Grandma is coming from there, and Daddy is coming from over there.” Cait frowned. They were. Eiboline and Sean both sat at the table on either side of Cait. Sean held her hand. “Cait. You don’t deserve to be yelled at.” “But I don’t deserve a baby horse, and I don’t deserve a pen in the farm, and I don’t deserve a nice bed to sleep in and these thick boy panties that make it easy for me, too.” “Cait, little lady, you don’t get to have a baby horse, a safe place to play, a nice place to sleep or comfortable clothes because you do something to earn it. These are things your big people give you because they love you. They are not payments for things you do. Being yelled at or being corrected sharply are things that happen because you need to learn that something is not a good thing.” “Pee my pants is not a good thing?” “Pee in your pants is not something that hurts other people,” Auntie softly stated while a hand slid up and down her thigh. “When we say that something should be corrected for, it should be something that actually affects other people or really hurts yourself. The problem with this situation, Cait, is you are having trouble controlling yourself both because of a medically physical problem and also because of things that have been done wrong to you, mentally.” “If I break your sugar bowl, it will affect you,” Cait frowned at Auntie. “Yes, it will,” Eiboline looked at Sean. “We should get a new set anyway,” Sean winked at Eiboline. “If she wants to break it so badly, we can just show her how to do it safely.” “Are you serious?” Eiboline asked Sean. “I mean, if she hates it that much. I’ve been telling you for years that it’s the ugliest thing in the world.” The two looked at each other. Cait looked down at her lap trying to pee. Cait shook a little and she whispered. “Even if it is ugly, old grand-lady likes it. You should still yell.” “What was that, Cait?” Daddy asked. Cait sighed. “I can’t do it. I’m sorry. I was trying to just-be-spect Auntie, but I can’t. I… I just can’t.” “I… I tried to call Auntie something as mean as I could think of… but I can’t,” Cait started to cry. I can’t. I just… Grainne and Clo and Roisin and Aoibhe… what happens to them if I don’t get it?” “Cait…,” Daddy got up and lifted her into his lap as he sat in her seat. “Hurting yourself won’t stop whatever is going to happen at the farm over hundreds of miles away. If your daddy thinks they have to learn something, he’s going to do it whether we yell at you or not.” “But Grainne doesn’t have to poop her pants in front of Daddy or in front of Aoibhe,” Cait whispered. “Hon? Do you think if we yell at you, Grainne won’t go potty in her pants at home?” Cait looked down. It sounded weird when they said it out loud, but still, the ghost could do it, right? She shivered. “I don’t know.” Eiboline frowned at Sean. “How soon can we get Cait on that insurance?” “I have a meeting tomorrow, Eiboh.” “She needs help right now.” “I know. Look. Let’s just try to get her interested in this book. It’s a fun story about a guy with his own troubles. Maybe it will help her.” “You don’t think that’s a bit advanced to start with?” “Nah. She’s smart. She just needs some patience and someone to explain things as we go along.” “That’s got a monster on the book front,” Cait said as she looked at the giant lion with wings, a wicked ball of spikes on its tail, and something like a human shape inside of the mane of hair, but its teeth are all pointed and sharp, and not eve close to like an animal’s teeth. “Let’s read the title,” Sean whispered to Cait. Cait looked at the words. “A. Spell. For. Cha. Champaign. Cham… Cha-melon.” “Chameleon,” Sewn whispered. “It’s not from English, so it has a different rule for how it’s said. It’s one of the tricky words that English uses from another language. Do you know what a chameleon is?” “No?” “It’s a little lizard that can change it’s color to hide from creatures that eat them.” “So the book is about a lizard?” “Well, we’ll have to read it to find out, won’t we?” “Okay.” Daddy held her in his lap and he had her use her finger to point at the words for several sentences. “Sean, wait,” Eiboline frowned. “She’s doing something with her eyes.” “What?” “I think some of her problems with reading is her vision.” “Vision?” “Cait?” “Yeah?” Auntie got out a piece of paper and pen. She wrote a C, but made it backwards. “Can you read that?” “Um… It’s a C, but it not right?” “Okay. How about this?” She made five Cs, two were facing right and three were facing backwards. Cait looked at the line of things, but they started to blend and get fuzzy. She couldn’t tell how many Cs there were, or where the open parts were. “Um… O… O… O… the last one is maybe a C?” “Her eyes ARE seeing cross-eyed when she reads,” Auntie says. “You can’t tell a kid to read a book with typical print if her eyes are not working. Also, my teacher taught me something when I was in high school….” Cait frowned. “I can see.” “Yes. I’ve seen you interact normally. That’s why this wasn’t something anyone found yet. Your vision problems are more to do with reading things than seeing things overall. Your vision is probably not the normal problem where the further things are, the harder to see.” “Huh?” “Sean, here, have her use this ruler to hold under the line she is on instead of pointing at each word.” “How does that help?” “Both her eyes focus on the same point when she looks at her finger. Her eyes cross, and it blurs and blends the letter. She’s basically crossing her eyes. With the line under the words and revealing one line, she still has to search the line for where she was at, but her eyes are not crossing to the same point as much. She can see the letters better. She has the same problem I had when I was in high school.” “Alright. Let’s try that, then?” Auntie was right. The line of Cs and backwards Cs was easier to see. The words in the book were better separated though sometimes they still blurred into each other sometimes. “Sean? This will take money to find out all the tools they have today, but if she’s going to school with us this fall? We talk to her school. We teach them to have her put a paper or something over book lines she’s not reading yet, and we teach them not to have her use her finger. This will help a lot. We also get her a bigger bible for church, one that has the big print like old people sometimes use when their vision is going.” “And that will help with her reading?” “A lot. Actually, let me see….” Eiboline pulled out a magnifying glass from her purse because she sometimes needed it herself when she was reading small print. She was one of those people that tried to read the small print for ingredients because she tried not to buy foods with certain sugars in it. In the nineteen eighties, people didn’t know as much about fat, but they did understand that unnatural sugars, too much of it, wasn’t good for you. “Words are huge!” Cait said. “Yes. This tool is going to be really tricky at first, Cait. You will need that paper under the line you are on, and you will have to be careful not to move the magnifying class too much when you are reading. It can be hard to find your place again when this thing can only see a few letters at a time. But when you get good with it, your reading will be a lot better.” Sean frowned. “So, now what do I do?” “You hold the rule for her. Keep it on the line for her. Don’t rush her. The magnifier will move around a lot because she’s a ten year old kid holding a toy. Be patient with her. Let her settle in her own time. She knows she’s supposed to read. Trust her, that she’s going to try, and she will do what is expected, just like she uses to stay in bed and pee in it because that was expected of her.” Sean nodded. “Can I start over?” Cait asked Sean. “Of course, Pet. Since you now know how some of the words are supposed to be read, the new tool will help you see it more clearly, eh? And if you forgot how to say something, ask, pet. We are not here to be in a hurry. We are here to enjoy reading and building a world where a young child can learn to use her mind to make her own little world.” “Okay.” Cait started to pee in his lap. She looked up at him, but he kept the rule in place, so with a sigh, just continued to pee her pants while trying to read. “This is so much easier,” though she meant it was easier for two reasons. She wasn’t scared of peeing. She was peeing while she read. She wasn’t afraid. And the words were easier to see, and the easier some of the words were because of it, the easier it was for her body to relax and pee her pants. Then she started to poop. But she just sat there, reading and pooping her pants. She didn’t care about it. Uncle Sean—Daddy didn’t mind. He held her, and he knew by now she was pooping. He had to know. But he just patted her lap and held the rule steady for her. Sean looked up at the clock. “Well, we do have to go somewhere, Cait. So, is this book too hard? Shall we find an easier one?” “No!” Cait whimpered. “I like this one. I want to read it. Please?” Sean nodded and winked at Eiboline. He doesn’t know about reading disabilities, but he knew his little baby girl could challenge herself if she was expected to. Cait proudly put the book on the counter, her poopy butt sagging and thumb in her mouth. “I want this one,” and put her library card on the counter. No fifth graders showed up, she noticed. Angela wasn’t there. No one cared she had poop in her panties and her boy panties were sagging a little bit under her skirt. No one cared. And she walked out to the car carrying her book, her bear hanging from it’s line on her chest, and she was smiling in her poopy panties! Chapter 67 The Monster on the Cover Brown pee pee all over Sean’s pants, Cait in a messy pair of panties, kept running her fingers over the cover page of the Spell for Chameleon. “There’s no lizard in the first page,” she told the book. “Are you hiding somewhere in the next surprise?” She opened the book again and she called to the front. “Grandma? Is it okay if I say Grandma? I don’t want to be rude, but Auntie… it’s okay… but it’s not really you, cousin. You… your better than an Auntie. Please don’t be rude if I want you to be grandma?” Eiboline smiled and looked back. “I see nothing wrong with you calling me whatever feels right, Cait. I trust you not to be mean.” “Can… Can I have the magafieder? I want to read the first page again.” The car was not going to the farm, but Cait didn’t care. The book was her focus at the moment, and the bear on her shirt there by a safety line. “Justin Tree…” Cait considered. “Someone called Trent made him a tree? He was wise. The village liked him. He can’t move. Everyone talks to him.” Her thoughts were filling the space in the back seat with her. “Bink is really lucky. He escape-t three times of danger and the book says it like it was hard. I like Bink. He doesn’t have magic, but he doesn’t lose just because he can’t magic things.” She was rereading not the first page, but ten pages. She kept looking back and forth. It was so fun seeing the way Bink escaped bullies and the bullies didn’t know why they couldn’t get him. Cait didn’t either, but that’s okay. The bullies are confused, and that’s funny. “Are we taking Cait in like this?” Auntie asked when they arrived at an office building. “Eiboline, I was on the phone with them on Monday, and they are trying to delay things. I’m not going to let them do this to our girl. Now, if she the little one in messy panties in their own office, maybe they’ll realize that this isn’t normal. I don’t know, but I’m going to bother them in anyway I can until they let her be seen on the insurance.” “You don’t think this is going to hurt her?” “I’ll be holding her. She’ll stay in Daddy’s lap the whole time we are talking until they are forced to realize… maybe if Cait ends up peeing on their floor again, and the realize she’s not just doing it… I don’t know. But I’ll tell you this. You said it at the library. She needs help now. I don’t know any other way to make the insurance understand that.” Eiboline frowned. “Okay. Just be careful. You have a little child there, not a prop.” “I know.” Sean got out of the car, and he picked Cait up with her little messy butt, and he whispered. “Do you want the book? We might be a while.” “Yeah. I like Bink, Daddy. He doesn’t let people bully him. Or at least something doesn’t. They can’t magic him!” Sean patted the little one’s bottom. “We have to talk to some important people to help get you help so you can start choosing when you’ll pee whether in your pants or the toilet instead of waiting for it to cause trouble for you.” “I pooped, Daddy.” “I know, hon. Now, this isn’t a good thing to do, but these people don’t understand. We need them to see how important this is. So, I don’t like doing this, but you’ll have to wear poopy panties in there. Is that okay?” “I love my Daddy!” she hugged him as if that answered it. The three of them walked into the lobby, and Sean hovered by the front desk until the secretary woman looked up at him. “I’m here to see Mr. Brady, and we’re not leaving until he sees us.” “Your child has made a mess in her pants.” “And that’s your business because…?” The lady frowned. “Have a seat. I’ll see if he will see you. Don’t let that child….” But Sean turned away from her while she was talking and he put Cait on her feet until he sat, and then he put her back in his lap. His chin was held out in a jut, like… Don’t tell me what to do with my kid! Cait was still looking at the book. She settled in Sean’s lap, but it sort of made the poopy shift in her panties. She looked up at him, but he patted her lower back like he didn’t think about what her potties did. She was important, not what was in her panties. The lady walked over, and hovering there, this after Cait had read through page 2 and 3 again. “Mr. Brady said he’s busy right now. You will not be seen for a while.” “Then we’ll wait,” Sean looked up into her eyes. “You tell him, if he makes us wait three or four hours, then he’ll get to clean up Cait’s messes himself because I’m not letting my child clean up any of the messes that an insurance company is causing her body. We are here to fix it, and if they want to make her wait, then she’ll wet her pants again, and we are not going to clean the floor if they do that to her.” “At least put her in clean clothes?” “As soon as Mr. Brady sees her. He just doesn’t want to meet her because he knows the insurance company is wrong. I have the power of attorney, I have the doctor’s assessments, and this is the next step before we can get the hospital to look at her, and he wants her to wait until March? He needs to see what he’s doing to her by making her wait until March, so… if she has a peeing on your floor later, that’s up to him.” The lady frowned and walked back to her desk and picked up the phone. “Daddy’s here, Cait.” “If I pee, will it make them mad?” “You don’t worry about your body, Cait. You can ask to go potty if you think you can make it, but if it goes in your pants again, you don’t worry about anything. We are playing chess with the insurance company, and he needs to see how important this is by talking to you, whether you are wet or not, hon.” “Okay.” A fat looking man in a dark suit walked over while Cait was looking at page six again. “Mr. Kinsella?” “Yes sir.” “Bring your family back so we can talk about your concerns.” Sean lifted Cait immediately as soon as he was standing, right back up. “How old is that child?” “Ten,” Eiboline frowned. “What does that have to do with it? Would it be more an emergency if she were twelve or eight?” “Well, isn’t she too old for….” “Stop it right here,” Sean’s normally calm voice got loud. “If you say one more word, I drop this insurance company for my whole family and we look for someone more compassionate. You are already telling her she has to wait until March—our reason for being here. Now, if you shame her for anything without knowing anything, that’s stepping one too many steps over the line than I’m going to allow.” “What stepping over the line?” Cait asked her thumb in her mouth. “It means he’s testing my patience, Cait. It means this company isn’t doing what it is supposed to do by law, and I’m not going to let it go that far and pick on a child who is having a hard time.” “Did you just let her inter….” “She didn’t interrupt anything. She’s the reason we are here, and that means, she talks. We don’t talk about her, we talk to her and with her! You got it?” “You’re being pushy for wanting us to make a compromise.” “If that’s the way you see it, then consider us a lost customer. Come on Eiboline. We go find another insurance company tomorrow.” The man’s face was red. “I caused trouble,” Cait whispered. “No, Cait. He spoke out of line. You hear me? That man did something wrong. You were brought in to talk with him about why you need care. He tried to shame you and he tried to shut you off from talking. That’s not on you, sweetheart.” Sean took Cait to a gas station where he took her into the bathroom, and he helped her clean up. “I’m sorry we didn’t get it resolved, Cait. I thought if the just realized a child was suffering they might listen, but I was wrong.” Cait hugged him. “You didn’t even move my skirt,” Cait whispered. “Cait, there was no reason to do that. Everyone could tell what happened without exposing your mess more. My goal was to get ears to hear you, not to cause you shame, sweetheart.” “At the other home, Daddy pulls my skirt up and checks my panties in the parking lots and in shopping places, especially if it smells like I just went poop.” “Well, that was the other place, hon. We don’t shame you for having a hard time here. We only tell people what we need to get you help.” “What if you can’t get insurance for me?” “Then we’ll have to go through the stupid government, but the government won’t be thorough enough, Cait. That’s why it’s important we fight for good insurance first.” “What means thru-oh?” “It means they won’t fix the problem, hon. They’ll fix the infection and say you’re done and won’t do anything for the hernia.” “That’s the thing that making me poop my pants?” “That’s right, hon.” Cait was upstairs in her bedroom town, playing the scene in her head as she drove a toy car from building to building. “See? You read,” Cait told the invisible child in the car. “You just do it different. If you eat red licorice, you can read. If you eat black licorice, you can’t read. That’s the trouble. School only serving black licorice.” “No,” Cait told the invisible child. “Reading and pooping are different things. You can have trouble with both, but they are not the same thing. And look what you can do! You rode a bike. You changed and washed your own hands. You were a friend. You are not someone who can’t. You just need help with some things.” Turning to the door feeling like someone was watching, Cait saw Grandma at the door. Eiboline smiled. “Dinner is ready, hon. Do you need a minute in the bathroom?” Cait looked at the floor. She looked up at the pretty tall grandma. “It rained. It rained in my underwears.” Eiboline smiled. “So it did. You can change rain, though, can’t you?” Cait smiled. “Go clean up in the bathroom real quick. Daddy and Grandma will be downstairs waiting for our big girl to come and show us how big she is and how good she can clean herself up.” “Okay.” Cait came down in just underwears and an undershirt, and she dropped Kookaberry off at his chair before she sat down next to Grandma where she always eats. She looked over at Grandma. “I cleaned up put on clean underwears and a clean undershirt. Some rain on my shirt.” “That’s fine, Pet. Do you want to say the prayer tonight?” “Okay.” “I broke the rule for the ghost at the library,” Cait said while she was eating. “What do you mean, you broke the rule for the ghost?” “The ghost said to poop my pants before you find me, but I don’t. I tried to make a deal so it leaves Grainne alone, but it said if I pee at the table and poop later, then only Grainne wets her pants, but I messed up. I pooped at the table. So now, the ghost will make Grainne poop her pants and make probably Aoibhe wet her pants. Aoibhe has never wet her pants before, and Grainne…. I told her to wet in the field because I scared she going to hurt, but the ghost said it’s gonna make her poop right in front of Daddy,” Cait looked down. “How do I make the Ghost leave Grainna be? Grainne didn’t stop the deal. I didn’t do the stuff right.” Sean frowned and looked at Eiboline. “Hon, this is not something you or the Ghost can do anything about. Grainne is in the field all day. Your two big sisters probably will poop their pants, eventually, if they aren’t allowed to stop long enough to get to the toilet. If Aoibhe doesn’t pee herself, then she probably won’t, Cait.” “What if she does? It might fault for not doing what the Ghost wants, and if Grainne does it at the house in front of Daddy, then it is my fault.” Tears rolled down her face. “Oh, Cait.” Daddy opened his arms, and I went over and sat in Daddy’s lap and he started feeding me. I would be in trouble if Grainne fed me at the other farm. Mama wouldn’t do it. It would be against Daddy’s rules. Grainne is the only one that might, but she’d get in trouble if she did. Chapter 68 Sean’s Ghost After dinner, Daddy put me on the floor. He looked at the back door. “I’m going to go check on my babies for the night. Do you want to check your baby?” Cait smiled. “Yeah.” “Put some jeans on. It’s getting dark, so it’s harder to see snakes. Jeans and boots, Cait. You have five minutes, and then I’m going out, okay?” “Okay.” Cait sat in the stable while her baby, Summerstone was getting stronger by the day. He wasn’t so wobbly and it looked like he could run the field now. He walked over and tasted Cait’s hair. He seemed to like her taste or something. “Grainne didn’t write back yet,” She told Summerstone. “Grandma says letters take a little while, and then Grainne has to write and then that letter takes a while. She says I might get a letter next week if Grainne gets to write. What if the Ghost punished me by not letting her write.” Kookaberry, always pinned to my shirt when I go out, looked up at him. “The ghost doesn’t know how to punish if it just stops Grainne writing to you. It said nothing about that. So, if it claimed that as punishment, I’ll chomp it. That’s not punishment, Cait, that’s just being mean.” “Never stopped the teachers from doing what they said is punished even when they didn’t say they do something because I poop in my seat in class.” Kookaberry stayed quiet. What could he say to that? Summerstone’s brown and white nose pushed on Kookaberry making him dance sideways on my shirt. “What do you want me to say?” Kookaberry asked Summerstone. “I wasn’t there. We all know it was mean. I can’t stop people from being mean. I can just chomp at lies, not what really happens.” “Kooks? Did I make Daddy lose his nisure-ace?” Kooks stared at Summerstone for a minute. Summerstone’s voice… you can’t miss it. It’s like he says an h-h-h all together before he talks, and sometimes the sound is even in the middle of his words. “H-ye-ye-ye alhe-he-he ready mad at those-eze.” Cait looked up at the baby horse. How could a baby know?” “Uncle says,” Kookaberry started but Cait cut him off. “He’s not Uncle no more and the lady’s not Auntie no more. It’s Daddy and Grandma.” “Sorry. But I was just telling you how Summerstone knows.” “Okay.” “Daddy says that the animals share what they hear. Daddy talks to the cows. You’ve heard him. Well, whatever the cows know, eventually the horses know. And Summerstone’s Mama still has horse friends even if she is not by them now. She will be when your baby is strong.” “Daddy does say that,” Cait frowned. “Did you tell the others animals I poop my pants?” “Wh-ha-hat’s pants?” Summerstone asked. “What’s on my legs now. Be member in the morning? I came only in underwears to show you I peed the bed?” “Wh-ha-hat’s bed?” The Mama horse walked over and nosed Summerstone. “Pants and Bed meets nothing for us,” Summerstone frowned. “It’s no-ho-hot news for u-uh-uhs.” Cait smiled. “Did you eat enough today?” Summerstone’s head went up and down as he went to lie by his Mama. “Okay. You sleep, Summerstone. I love you!” Cait felt herself lifted up and she was sat on Daddy’s shoulders. “Whee!” They walked into the mud room, Daddy bending his legs funny so my head fit under the door. He finally put me down and he smiled at me. I smiled while I took my shoes off. “Summerstone starting to talk,” I told Daddy. “He is?” “Yeah. He has this cute thing he does where his words sound like… well, I can’t do it right. My voice doesn’t make the horse thing right, but it almost like I-ye-yef I-ye-ye say this.” Daddy laughed. “That sounds horse me.” Daddy took off my shoes and then he pulled off my pants so I was in my panties and undershirt. “There are no snakes in here, Pet. You don’t have to wear jeans inside if you don’t want.” Cait ran to the living room to play with Front City, a mess of blocks and other toys Daddy has let stay there since last weekend. No one has touched anything. Uncle tells me if the city went out from the line, but he doesn’t kick it back. He just asks me to fix it. And if he still hits a block or house, he says sorry. And he still doesn’t touch. He says it my city, and he sorry he messed it up, but he doesn’t want to touch it to fix it because it’s mine. Daddy doesn’t touch my stuff, even when he lets me put my stuff all over the house! I have my bedroom town. I have Front City. I have my pen outside. I have a chair for Kooks. He never moves Kooks unless he shows me he’s doing it. It’s like silent permission, and if I feel upset if he touches, he stops and nods leaving Kooks as I left him. Uncle went to the phone. “Arnold,” I heard Uncle sigh. “I’m going to need help tomorrow on the farm.” I turned to listen in. “Yeah, I’d dropping the other insurance. They are not right for us. They won’t even let a child speak up for herself when she’s the one that needs them. I don’t honor a place like that, Arnold.” “He didn’t just threaten to drop them,” Kooks whispered. “Quiet. I listening.” “I really appreciate it. Look, we’ll probably need help for about two weeks if I can get you to take a little payment for keeping the cows milked and checking in on the farm before noon each day?” “I like his family,” Kooks whispered. “Me, too,” I agreed with Kooks. “Liam is really nice. He didn’t say I stink when I peed my pants last time I saw him.” Grandma took Cait up to the room after Daddy hugged her goodnight and then she tucked her into bed. “Daddy’s going to town tomorrow then?” “We all are, pet.” “Me, too?” “Your Daddy isn’t going to take any insurance agent that doesn’t let you talk. And if they say they need proof or expects any kind of thing that hurts your feeling, he won’t take them, either. He left a good system because the people were hurting you, Cait. He’s not going to let anyone hurt you.” “Do you think I’ll have to sit in poopy panties in front of the nisure-ace guy again?” “I don’t think so,” Eiboline frowned. “Your daddy did that as a last resort trying to get you seen earlier. Now we have to hunt for insurance, that’s going to take time, Cait. But he’s not going to be directed that they shame his little girl just to get on their insurance.” Cait hugged Grandma and then rolled over. “Cait?” “Yeah?” “If you wake up in the night, you go potty,” Grandma whispered. “Don’t you think about what happens to me has anything to do with what happens to you. And if you wet your pajamas, take them off if you are awake, and then put on dry underwears. It’s not bad to wear dry clothes if you pee your pants, okay?” “Okay.” She left the room quietly. “Kooks? What if Daddy doesn’t find any good nisure-ace because of me?” “He won’t, you know,” a girl was sitting on the end of my bed again, her own panties with poop in them. “No one wants to nisure a stinky kid that can’t be fixed.” Kookaberry frowned. “You know about nisure-ace people now?” “I know that until now, Daddy and Grandma are the only ones to ever listen to Cait and even walk away from a good thing for her.” No chomp. “Did you make Grainne poop her pants?” “Yes.” “In front of Daddy?” “I’ll let her tell you that.” “What about Aoibhe? Did you make her pee her pants?” “I let Roisin pee her pants instead. At dinner. She cried with her finger in her mouth. You know how she does. They made her sit there until she finished her dinner. She pooped ‘em. I didn’t tell her to poop ‘em. I only made her pee, but I guess when she started to pee, she couldn’t stop the poop.” “You made her pee her pants at the table?” Cait frowned a finger in her mouth. “It wouldn’t be punishment if I made her wet the bed. Your dad is already making her follow your rules. She already pees her pants sometimes. I mean, I could have picked on Aoibhe….” “No?” “Well, it had to be punishment. So I made her pee at the table.” “What did Daddy do?” “Grainne will tell you in her letter, won’t she?” “Why come you can’t tell me now?” “Because maybe Daddy is right. Maybe Grainne pooped her pants… if she did, because of Daddy’s work and has nothing to do with the ghost. And maybe the ghost is just trying to scare you about where Roisin peed, but we both know she pees her pants sometimes.” Cait narrowed her eyes at the ghost. The ghost popped out. Cait closed her eyes and started to fall asleep. It was dark everywhere. Cait couldn’t see anything. She couldn’t hear anything. She felt her chest. There was something there. The leash. The Bear. Kooks was there, dangling, but it was too dark to see him. “Why don’t we put Cait front and center,” some invisible voice said. It wasn’t Kooks, and it wasn’t Grandpa. Really, Cait didn’t even know if it was human. She didn’t see the speaker. A spot light suddenly flashed down on the body, and Cait seemed to see herself in full dressed up farmer-boy’s clothes, looking from outside, as if she was someone else looking at the child with tangled and dirty hair. Her shirt was stained. Flies buzzed around her. A green tint of smoke like stuff was around her. A voice out of the dark asked. “Did you pee your pants the first day you Saw the Kinsellas?” “Yeah?” “Why?” “I… um….” “Did anyone prevent you going up to the toilet that day?” “No?” “Why did you piss your pants?” “I don’t know.” “We are here to see if you get Nisure Ace. Do you know what that is?” “It’s so I can see a doctor?” “No. Anyone can see a doctor. It’s so the doctor doesn’t rip your cousin’s arms and legs off to pay for your health. You will rip his arms and legs off if you get help without the nisure ace he wants.” Pee started to form in the chair. “You are pissing the bed, Cait…. Do you feel the wetness? Touch the Goddamned pee before I have your cousin’s left arm torn off!” Cait felt like there was a veil of some kind. A girl in a bed her feet tucked up to her chest. Pee sliding into the bedding. She was peeing. The ant in a far wall of the dim room saw a small alarm clock on the night table. Cait didn’t know when it was put there. It as reading small hand 1 and big hand 5. A kid was kicking slightly at the blankets, though she was nearly fetal in them. Her hair was matted and tangled in the pillow. She was shivering. “Do you see that you are pissing the bed?” the voice asked. “Yeah?” “You are pissing the bed. You choose to do this, right now instead of get out of bed. You see yourself doing it but you keep your eyes closed pretending you are a sleep, don’t you?” “Yeah?” “Why?” “Do you remember at recess in December?” Cait’s little figure in the spotlight shook her head. “Sure, you do. You were inside the school. That bathroom was right there, just feet from you. You could have went. You turned around, remember?” “Um… recess. It was time to go in.” “So… it was….” The judge chuckled, but that wasn’t a happy chuckle. “You knew that when you turned around and went back to your seat… that you could poop your pants. You knew that the recess rule would protect you.” “The rule didn’t help me….” “It didn’t? Then tell me why you pooped your pants on purpose when the toilet was feet from you.” “Recess was over.” “The teacher didn’t tell you to go take a break?” “She did…,” “EXACTLY. You choose to go back to your seat and shit your pants!” Cait’s thumb went to her mouth. The ant on her bedroom wall saw the kicking, small girl, curled up like a cat, now putting a thumb in her mouth. Kookaberry was being pushed against her chest as hard as it could. “Tell us what happened at church this week….” the judge went on. Cait was shaking. “Before we get into that. Another not so happy chuckle. How about we see what you choose for underwear. You can tell us about that. Do I pull Grandma’s hair out, or do you pull your pants down?” Cait’s figure in the spot light started to undress. The blankets were nearly off the bed on the floor. Cait’s hands were pushing her pajama pants down. The ant ran into a crevice in the wall to hide from it. “Are those girl panties?” the voice asked. Cait’s thumb was fully in her mouth. Pee was flooding the chair she was in, and she felt it soaking around her somehow crawling up her shirt and wetting her back. “Cait, wake up….” the sounds were faint in the background. “They boy panties,” Cait shook in the chair. “Are you a boy?” “No?” “Do you want to be a boy?” “No.” “Why do you wear boy clothes?” “Cait, baby, wake up…” a voice so faint and somewhat familiar…. “I don’t on purpose. But it farm. Jeans is protect from snakes.” “And what do the underpants protect, Cait?” “They let me pre-pee a little more so I can get into the bathroom.” The ghost let the silence settle. “Cait?” Cait’s eyes opened. She was crying. Her body was shaking. She was still peeing all over. Her hands were shaking with Kooks in her hands. Daddy had her in his lap and she was peeing all over him. Grandma was holding a wet cool rag at her head. The so called clock was never in her room on the nightstand, but the crack in the far wall, Cait sees it. The ant could have been there, maybe. Cait was still crying. “Let’s put her in dry stuff and put her in our bed tonight,” Sean said. Eiboline nodded, already moving to the dresser to get Cait some panties. “I don’t got girl ones,” Cait whispered. The adults looked at each other. They don’t have girl ones. She didn’t want them at the time they went last. Eiboline frowned. “Sean, go get her some sweat pants. We’ll just let her sleep in sweatpants, no undies the rest of the night. She can decide if she wants the undies in the morning, but for now, let’s make her comfortable.” Sean nodded. “Okay. That sounds like the smart thing.” They took the little girl back to their room, tucked her between them, helped her thumb find her mouth, and whispered. “You are perfect as you are Cait. You are a good little girl, and we will help you get your body back under control. Trust us. It will take time, but we will fight for you until you have control, hon. We don’t mind you peeing, even if you do it for attention. What we hate, is you feeling like you have no control over it at all.” Safely between her big people, she slept into the morning too long and peed the bed again. No one yelled at her when Grandma checked on her. “Cait, hon? You awake?” “I peed.” “That’s alright. You’re a big girl. Do you want help in the bath, or can you do it, hon? You had a very bad night last night, and I’m not talking about pee, baby. You had a nightmare, and it’s okay to be scared after a nightmare.” “I… it wasn’t a nightmare exactly.” “Well, do you want to take a bath by yourself?” “Yeah. I want to. I can do it.” When Cait came down to the kitchen for breakfast, Sean came through the door. “We fed your horse for you and got the water today, hon.” “I’m sorry.” “No, Cait. You didn’t do anything wrong. We all get upset at nightmares. You were running a fever last night, too. You needed the rest.” “I peed your bed.” “It’s okay,” Sean went over and picked her up and put her in his lap. “I told you last night. You are allowed to pee, even if you are doing it for attention. I just don’t like you not being able to control it, hon. That’s what we are fixing, is your ability to choose if you pee your pants or not, not if you will do it when you need to know you matter or if you get scared or have a nightmare and it happens.” “It felt so real, and somehow, I was awake in my room at the same time I was in the dream,” Cait was chewing on a piece of jam and toast. “It was…, I was awake and peeing my pants on purpose, but I wasn’t awake and I had this like police light on me. You know the old shows, where they show someone being in question by the police?” “The nightmare?” Sean asked. “Yeah. There was a ant watching me sleep. And there was a clock, but the clock not there when I waked up. And the people in a dark place… I couldn’t understand what they sounded, but it doesn’t like people. It’s like. Something. Not people. And it said. I did everything. I pooped my pants on purpose at school.” “Did you poop your pants on purpose at school?” Daddy asked. Cait looked down. “I think so.” Sean and Eiboline looked at one another. “I don’t care how much this costs us or if we have insurance. Can you explain this to her?” Sean asked. “I can’t. But I know that no ten year old purposefully poops her pants where she’s going to get shamed… especially by an entire room of her peers. This is… this is out of my skill set, Eiboline. Unless you have some magical understanding like with the reading thing….” “I don’t,” Eiboline frowned. “I’ve never seen anyone so guilt-filled over just peeing the bed. This is… you’re right. We need to sacrifice for this, Sean. You and I… we love her, but that’s not enough this time. She needs real help.” Chapter 69 Mr. Brady’s Mistake “Okay, this is what we do. Cait, you need to see your baby first, so you eat breakfast and you go put on some farm clothes. You may choose not to wear panties if you wish.” Sean has her standing facing him like everything he is telling her is serious. “If you choose not to wear panties put sweats on under the jeans. Can you do that?” “Okay.” “Your choice, hon. Sweats will be hot, but still has an inner layer to feel like you have panties on. But you’re right, we don’t have girl ones, so it’s up to you. Second, after you are dressed, you go out to the stable while I call Arnold over for an hour, and you spend time with Summerstone, but when I say, not whining, we go then, okay?” “Okay,” and she reached up and hugged him. “I don’t know what I said,” Cait was telling Summerstone a while later. “Suddenly, Daddy got real serious. He wants me to go to town in an hour. I’m sorry I wasn’t out here to feed you before.” Summerstone was tasting her hair again. “Why do you like my hair so much? Hair is yucky.” “I’m worried though.” She led Summerstone from the stable to her own field. It was still very low cut, and difficult for snakes to hide in not to mention the chicken fence stuff that went up to the first board of the fence to keep snakes out. “The Ghost said that Grainne pooped her pants yesterday, and I’m afraid she did it in front of the My sur y Daddy. If she did, she’s gonna be in real trouble. And if she didn’t and had to go, and went off the field, she’ll be in trouble for not doing her chores.” Summerstone nudged her hand. Cait patted his neck. “And if Aoibhe peed her pants… she’s going to be really… there’s a word for it. It means more sad than sad. I can’t be member the word. But she will… she will need Grainne and if Grainne pooped…. What if everything is messed up?” Cait sighed. “I need to write Grainne and ask. She won’t know I need to know unless I ask. It’s impertent. I hope Daddy lets me use another stamp thing and enbellop.” “Oh, I gotta see this,” that girl stood feet from my baby. How can she? I’d hit her if my hand could. “So, you’ll write to Grainne…. Big sis. I got you in trouble. Did you poop your pants? It’s my fault!” Cait’s hands shook at her sides and her eyes narrowed at the spot the ghost stood. She was pushed gently in the back and she fell on her butt. Summerstone pushed her down. She laughed. She looked around and the ghost was gone. “Thanks. I need did for that.” When Sean brought Cait in, Cait looked over at the kitchen drawer. Sean and Eiboline were talking until somehow, Eiboline noticed something, maybe. “Cait? Did you want something?” “I just thinking. How many enbolops I can use, and if I can use those stamp things? I… I have a really hard question to Grainne that more impertent, and I scared I don’t ask… Grainne doesn’t know I scared she hurted.” “Are you talking about the nightmare last night?” Grandma asked. “It before the night dream. It doesn’t nightmare. It not monsters. It just… It bad dreams.” “Well, how about we go talk to someone first, Cait. Then, if you still need to ask Grainne your question when we get home, we’ll let you write a letter then.” “Okay.” We approached this smaller building with a parking lot around it. I think it had a waiting room, maybe toilets, and then a hall with only four rooms in it. “Cait Kinsella?” a shorter than adult girl but taller than kid girl called us. She had a green dress on, and it had all these colored ribbons on her dress. Her hair was light brown and she wore it like pigtails. She was shorter than Grandma and shorter than Mama. She was taller than Grainne, though, I think. We went into a room, and Daddy held me in his lap while Grandma told her what made them bring me. “Children have nightmares,” Grandma said. “But even the next morning, the nightmare was eating through her. She thinks she poops her pants on purpose, at ten years old, even though we know it’s a hernia and have tried to explain it. This is just the start. She does things that… well, I’m sure it’s because she’s suffering from guilt or something and Sean and I… we’ve done what we can… but his guilt she carries. It’s not normal and we are worried that we don’t know how to really help her.” Cait looked down. “I was bad.” The woman frowned. “I see what you mean.” She stood up while Daddy and Grandma sat with Cait in Daddy’s lap, and she walked over to a shelf. It had this floppy black bear and this brown dog. She walked back to her desk, but she shook the bear, and it looked like the bear was walking on his back feet and the brown dog, she scooted it along, but not on nothing. And she sat there with them. She had the dog say it name to the Bear. “My name is Zing Shawn.” “I am Gentle Ben,” the black bear said. “But Ben works.” “You know Harmony, don’t you Ben?” “I sure do, but who is that girl?” The dog doll was made to look up, down, left and then at me. “Oh. There is a girl here.” Cait giggled. “What’s her name?” Ben asked and the head was made to turn in cartoony movements… even almost turning the bear upside down to make it look at Cait upside down. “I don’t know,” Zing Shawn, actually Xin Xaou, but Cait didn’t know Chinese. “You could ask her.” “No, you ask her.” “No! What if she hates me?” “I’m scary,” Ben said. “Little girls are used to dogs. You ask her.” “No….” and both of them ran behind the far edge of the desk and hid peeking only their heads up, their eyes just over the surface looking at Cait. “You not scary,” Cait told the bear. “Why your name is Zing and Shawn?” “No. it’s more like zhin zhou,” the dog said. “I Chi-a-nese if you please!” “Oh.” “Can you help us?” Ben asked Cait. “Help you?” “Well, it’s just we don’t know what is the right thing. See, sometimes, it’s cold outside. Xin Xiou doesn’t like going outside to the dog’s toilet. He likes the cat’s toilet. He never used it yet, but he thinks it would be warmer in winter.” “Do you ever go in a boy’s bathroom?” Xin Xiou asked. Cait frowned. “If you go in the Cat toilet, will another dog call you a cat?” “That’s what I tried to tell him,” Ben waved it’s paw. “But…. Sometimes…. The people don’t understand that what reasons are. I pee my pants.” “Are humans supposed to?” Ben asked. “No,” said the dog. “But the girl looks big enough to know that. The question is why she does it.” “Does it matter?” Asked the Bear? “I don’t know,” Xin Xiou somehow had its shoulders go higher than it’s head. “Well, it matters,” Cait frowned. “You don’t have friends… well, you can have friends, maybe… Ruth is my friend. But at school, no one likes you if you go in your pants.” “If no one likes you at school…,” the dog began. “I can’t make trouble. If I make trouble, someone gets hurt. And it’s my fault! If I bad, Grainne gets hit. If I bad, Daddy bad mood. Grainne get in the way, not just me. She get in the way for other sisters. She gets hit when he… when there’s too much drink and too many troubles for the other Daddy.” “Other Daddy?” “Yeah. These my cousins. But Sean is like…. How can I say? It’s not one thing. He just…. I wish Daddy is like him. And Eiboline…. Eiboline is Irish, Xin Xiou. That means you and my Grandma… or really my cousin… you are the same. You come America, but your family in another place.” “But you wish your Daddy is like your cousin?” Xin Xiou asked. “What about why you call your other cousin Grandma?” “I was apposed to call her Aunt or Auntie, but she… she’s too… she’s what I wish I have. I don’t have any grandmas. But if I had one, she’s just like one. She bakes stuff. She doesn’t get mad when you put too much sugar on your cereal. She lets my have a Front City right in the living room, and she lets….” Cait looked around for Kookaberry. Sean handed her the toy. “This is Kookaberry, or Kook or Kooks for short.” “Why Kookaberry?” asked Ben it’s head all over again almost upside down making Cait giggle. Cait shrugged. “Why not? I like it.” “Well, his name sounds like something someone can make fun of?” Ben twisted it’s every which way again. “Do you mean like Coo Coo?” Cait asked. “Because Coo Coo is not his name, and my Name is Cait, but my best friend and her big brother doesn’t let no one meow at me no more.” “Well, yeah, I guess that is what I was thinking,” Ben put its front hand paws out. “No one gets to play with him that calls him names,” Cait frowned. “I am in charge of who plays with him even though he really was the cousins’ son’s bear.” “How did that happen?” Xin Xious asked. “Nope. That’s not my story. I don’t tell no one that story. If you want to know, Daddy and Grandma are right there. They will tell you if they want. I not saying it.” “Have you ever done something you wish you didn’t do?” Xin Xiou asked Ben. “Well…, I did a lot of things that I wish I didn’t do.” “Like?” “I climbed a tree once and stole honey from the bees. My nose paid for that one.” “I buried a bone in someone’s yard once. They put this barrier I can’t get into now and lost my favorite bone.” “You two!” Kookaberry frowned. “You don’t know nothing! That’s just… stuff you do. That’s not like what Cait understands at all!” Except Kookaberry had Cait’s voice this time. It wasn’t in her head. “Oh, we don’t?” Xin Xiou asked. “Well, what do you know, then?” “Cait has to not get Grainne in trouble. She has to not get in trouble at school. Not move if she starts peeing because pee going into more than one room makes trouble for her mom. She has to pee the bed… on purpose… and not because she wants to. She doesn’t know when she should pee her pants and should try to get to the bathroom sometimes. But if someone tells her to stay, she stays… and she poops her pants if she isn’t told to move, but the poop is there.” “That’s a lot of rules.” “Yeah. And it’s different for school, for church, for home, for the car, for everything. Cait can’t even read the same school as at home. And she can’t even ask permission. Other kids raise their hand to get water. Cait sits there and pees her pants in the quiet and hopes no one is watching her.” “What happens if she wets the bed?” Xin Xiou asked. “Nothing. She’s supposed to pee the bed. It’s if she gets up. If she wets and it gets more than her panties hold and gets the floor going to the toilet, she gets it. She stays in bed and pees…. She is told good girl. Don’t cause trouble.” Cait’s eyes felt hot, stingy, watery and blurred. She felt her legs shaking. She felt hiccups in her chest, but they weren’t coming out in the air. They were just pressure moving making her chest hurt. She started to pee her pants. Cait though the professional lady was frowning, and that her hands shook as she picked up Ben. Shaking. Ben asked. “What’s different where you are now, and how home is?” Kooks got quiet. “Cait still pees the bed, sometimes. Sometimes. Sometimes, she gets up. No one yells at her. She peed in the hall. She stayed in her pee in the hall. That’s where it wet past her panties. She sleeping there. He was just Uncle Sean then. He got her up. He said. “Don’t sleep in pee.” Now, they change her when she’s trying to stay in her peed underwears.” Cait dropped Kooks and looked the woman in the face. “That Daddy,” she pointed at Sean. “He doesn’t lift my skirt with poop all over my underwears. He holds me and he takes me home and changes my underwears, and he told me don’t sit in pee pee.” She looked down. “At school. I don’t read. I don’t like books. Yesterday, Grandma made me like books. I Reading ‘A Spell for Cameron’ or whatever it is. And I love Bink. Grandma and Daddy let me really read. Really read. Really read! I need help. But the words are big and separate when I read with Daddy and Grandma. Not at school and not at home.” “Tell me about the thing that scares you most,” Harmony asked. Cait looked down. “Later.” More pee went into her pants and all over the chair. “I think that’s all we can do today, but Cait shared more than I expected. This is not a failed session. I just don’t have the full picture yet. I’ll need to have some sessions with her alone to fully understand her, but we have a starting place for next time.” “We don’t have insurance yet,” Daddy frowned. “I can pay today’s with cash. But I don’t know how long I can pay in cash. I told my insurance company off yesterday. They tried to shut the child up, when the whole reason we were there was so they could hear from her to understand why we need her on insurance today and not next March!” We were in the car on the way home. Daddy had changed me before we left. He always takes care of me, assept when Grandma does it. A cat watched from across the street as a young girl climbed into a car. The tall woman had opened the door and let herself in the passenger seat. The man had put the girl down on her feet from carrying her, and then ducked into the car to fuss over the child. The car pulled out. A butterfly flew over the top of the car as it pulled onto the main road. “You told the lady, Mrs. Harmony, about everything,” Kookaberry said. “Not everything,” the pee pee pantied ghost sat at the other door. “She didn’t tell how she got you.” “That’s not really true.” “Yes, it is. She told them that you were given to her, but she didn’t tell them what you were before they gave you to her.” “That’s not working,” Kookaberry whispered. “Grandma doesn’t hear you.” “Grandma? Is Cait talking or is Kooks talking?” There was silence. Three dogs sat a corner across the way, just watching cars. The head dog probably decided they would chase the blue one. But before they did, they glanced at Cait in the window. They had to have seen the ghost. They didn’t move until the ghost was gone. Then they chased the blue car. “Auntie said not to tell everything,” Cait whispered. “What did Grandma say?” the Ghost asked. “Grandma didn’t say nothing.” “You see? Because the Grandma in the old lady is smarter than the Aunt. The truth will come out, and you will be sorry you didn’t tell on yourself before your helper finds out.” Chomp. Fizzle. The ghost slowly just-appeared into nothing. “Cait? Why didn’t you tell the helper person about where I was before you got me?” “Because. You weren’t mine until they gave you to me, Kookaberry. That past. It’s not mine to tell. It’s Grandma and Daddy and you. Auntie said that days ago. It not lying to not say that something you know. It’s what Auntie meets. You can know something but not say. I didn’t lie. I told the truth. I said I not saying that. I didn’t say I don’t know. How that lying?” “It’s not lying. Do you think that Grandma wanted to keep me from you?” “No. I just don’t think I tell that story. That’s Grandma and Daddy who must share if anyone shares it. You… you won’t make me tell them with you, promise? Promise, if you tell them, you do it with using Auntie’s voice. Not Grandma. Auntie. Auntie needs to be okay sharing.” “You are a kinder and more smart person than some,” Kooks said. “No. I’m just careful. I’m not better.” Chapter 70 A sure Ace! Arnold was in the kitchen when Daddy and Grandma got us in. It was after dark. “How was the kid’s Therapist?” Arnold asked. “I don’t know,” Sean frowned opening the fridge and pulling out two beers. He tossed one at Arnold. “She did get Cait to talk a little bit though by sort of playing with her.” “So? Can she help her sort her problems?” “She says Cait just barely broke the surface today. She said it will take time to understand Cait enough to start working out her issues. She said it’s going to be expensive. She took a cash payment today, but she said what Cait needs… is insurance, so that the sessions are not interrupted once she gets comfortable enough to start sharing.” “Stupid bureaucrats!” The men took a breath. Cait sat in Kookaberry’s seat so the men could sit closer to each other, but Cait was curious. “I heard you ended it with that Brady guy.” “Well…. I don’t know if I did the right thing, but he wanted to talk at Cait or about her, but not to her. He wanted to make her wait until March. And he wanted to act like a child sitting in a messy pair of pants is normal. I won’t expose Cait to people like that. She’s had too many people like that deciding things over her head.” “I can read,” Cait said though her voice was a little quiet, just in case she wasn’t supposed to be there. “You’re ten,” Arnold told her. “I hope you can.” “Well, I can’t read like a ten year old. But I can read. I just learned to read.” “What?” “It’s her eyes,” Sean frowned. “These people are supposed to be watching children and knowing how to find out when they need help, and what professionals for the last four or five years of her life couldn’t find out, my under-educated and wonderful wife found out within three seconds of seeing Cait trying to read!” “It’s my finger,” Cait frowned. “Everyone says to follow your finger. I do it and every time, my eyes hurt, the words get sometimes three words is one, and then I lose where I was. But Grandma…. She tells him to use a ruler. Then she pulls out this biggafied glass, and then I can read more.” “A what kind of glass?” Arnold asked scratching his white and black beard. “She means a magnifying glass. She called it something else earlier.” “You’re not telling her what it’s called?” “She’ll work it out for herself. She’s smart. But I like to think that her inventing the words for herself first is helping her. She can predict words better if she has an idea of what she feels when she sees them. So… I see no harm in her calling it a biggafier or whatever she wants to call it.” “You’re not a typical parent.” “No. I suppose I’m not. I guess that’s what Mr. Brady found out.” “Can I go bathroom and come back and talk, again, too? Or… I can just pee my pants,” Cait reconsidered. “You go potty, little lady. If I didn’t intend on you talking, I would have told you to leave the table before now. This is your table, and if I didn’t run you off from an adult talking, then I won’t run you off just because you went potty.” “Okay. I be back… unless… pre-pees make too much before I get there.” “I’ll take her,” Eiboline smiled. “She’ll be back whether she has an accident or not.” “You didn’t tell them where Kookaberry came from,” Grandma said as she led Cait into the bathroom. “Why is that, hon?” “Because. Auntie would be sad. When Auntie is too over sad welmed she pees her pants. I don’t want Auntie to be over sad welmed where people pick on her because her pre-pee can’t hold back from the sad of Ron. That why I told Kooks in the car, he not allowed to make me tell that. And Grandma can’t tell, too. It has to be Auntie.” “You really do protect people you love, don’t you?” “No? I don’t know how. I not strong. I just doing what Auntie said one day in field when I found Ron name on Shadow dog tag. She said it not lying to not say something sometimes.” “Well…, someday, some of those kids that thought you were not worth their time, they’re going realize they made the wrong friends, Cait. It would have been so easy to tell the therapist what you decided you didn’t want to tell. You were having fun, playing, and talking to her. Then, you set Kookaberry down, and you said you wouldn’t share that. That takes a lot for a kid to not forget to protect something that she was keeping. We didn’t even say it was private between us. You just decided on your own, and you went with that promise even through play.” “Daddy, Uncle, cousin, whatever… Sean…. He doesn’t lift my skirt in parking lots when he knows I got poop in my panties. He doesn’t tell I wearing boy ones. And you don’t do it, too. I learning that somethings not lying. It just private for that person because you don’t prove everyone I peed my panties.” Pee started pushing out of my body and into the toilet. Darriiitleitleitle…. It stopped. I looked up at Grandma. “I can’t get up yet. There’s still pee in there.” “Grandma has as long as need, Cait. Don’t be scared.” It started again. The red headed and heavily freckled child was smiling as she walked into the kitchen again. She picked up Kookaberry and held him against her chest, and she listened to Daddy and Mr. Arnold again. “I talked to my brother-in-law about you having trouble getting Cait insurance.” “Is he the one that works for an insurance group?” “He is.” The phone rang. “Kinsellas speaking,” Grandma answered the phone because Daddy was talking. “You don’t say? Look, I don’t know. Yeah. I’ll ask him, but you people shamed a little girl that was trying to tell you what was wrong with her, and she was being brave…. No, I understand it was one man. One man or not, it is not…. Yes, fine.” Grandma came back to the table. “That insurance group wants to talk to you, Sean.” “Did you tell them that they had a chance?” “Look, I’m sorry, but he’s talking over me like my voice doesn’t matter. He wants to talk to you like you make all the decisions.” “Oh? Do they think this will make me want to deal with them?” Grandma shrugged. Daddy got up, but as he did so, he almost made the chair fall backwards. He stomped to the phone. He had that stomp stomp in his step that if he were going after one of us kids, Grainne would try to get in the way, and four other girls would be running in all directions to get away from him. Only… Grainne would get it. Hot tears blurred my eyes. “…. Stop. Stop right there. Your Mr. Brady talked over my little girl, and now you acted like my wife isn’t an equal. I’m hanging…. What? Look, I don’t care what you’re…. What? No, I don’t…. Yes, I know how hard it will be to get Cait on new insurance. No? Even if you …. No. You don’t get to dismiss my wife like that. You want me back? You talk to my wife. I’m busy. If you don’t convince her, don’t expect to even have a chance with me. Here’s Eiboline…. No. I’m busy. And you either talk to her, or I’m finding someone else. End of it.” “Eiboh? There’s a man on the phone here for you with a large helping of humble pie in his mouth!” When Daddy sat down at the table again, I looked up at both of them. “Cait, hon? Daddy sees the question on your face. You’re allowed to talk.” “What did you meet, humble pie?” “Well, you remember how that Mr. Brady was and how I stopped listening to him when he shut you down?” “Yeah? What shut you down?” “He didn’t let you talk, hon. That man on the phone is from the same company and tried to act like your Grandma was a kid or something. He wanted to go over her head and talk to me. That’s the stuff I’m not putting up with. That Brady dismissed you just because you are a child, and the one on the phone tried to go over Grandma’s head just because she wasn’t a man. I told him that none of his apologies or his deals will have us going back there, unless he talks to your Grandma right.” “He wants us back?” “Well…. When you are a good customer with a large company like that, I suspect Brady got a slap in the face for losing one of their good clients. They are offering things that made it hard to pass up. The thing is…. I’m not going to take them back as long as they disrespect either of my ladies.” Cait slowly crawled out of her chair, looking up at Daddy, holding Kookaberry. “I see you, honey. Yes, you can come over here and hug Daddy if you want.” Cait ran over and put her arms around Daddy. “Back the other farm? He wouldn’t have cared. He would talk the man and we’d have insurance no matter they even called Mama the Bah plus itch word.” “I’m not perfect, pet. Grandma and Daddy get in lots of fights over stuff. But we try to not hurt each other’s feelings. Fights is supposed to be about looking for a way that we can both live with something where we don’t get it all our way. They aren’t about attacking the other adult into fully giving up. When you do that, well, what is the point of being together? You’re not even friends if you fight tooth and nail for every compromise.” Cait looked up at him. Her eyes were wide. Daddy said he not perfect. That’s a surprise, but it’s not as confusing as his other words. He said fighting isn’t about attacking the other adult, and fights are about looking for a way to do something fair? That’s like fighting with Grainne. Grainne fights until Cait doesn’t bother her by what what she wants. He said coprise? What is coprise? “Is Daddy talking over your head again? I’m sorry, Cait. What I mean is, I can be stubborn, and I sometimes do carry a fight a little too far sometimes trying to get what I want from Grandma, and that’s wrong. When people are married, they should try to be fair. Why marry someone if you don’t love them. If you love them, why wouldn’t you want to be fair and want the other person to be happy, too?” Cait smiled. “Oh, okay. I get that. That’s like Grainne does me. I fight too hard though, but she just says fine and walks away even when I get more what I want, but only after she gets something her way.” “You are children. You are still learning what’s fair and what fighting with someone you love should be like. But adults that do that marriage partners…. Well, let’s say we should know the goal, and sometimes, we forget.” “Okay. You said coprise?” “Coprise?” “Yeah, um… how did it go? You not friends if you fight tooth and nail for every coprise?” “Oh, com-pro-mise, sweetheart. That’s when you both agree on a term that’s fair or that you are willing to do in exchange for something the other person will do. Wars against countries fight tooth and nail for compromise, but loving friends and partners shouldn’t need to fight so hard for it. They should want it.” “Clodagh sometimes does dishes for Grainne when Grainne helps her a long time with her homework.” “Yes, Cait, that’s what I mean. And how hard does Grainne have to fight for it?” “Depends on Clo’s feeling. Sometimes, Clo offers it. Sometimes, Grainne says she won’t have time unless she is willing to trade it. But that’s usually the end of the fight.” “Well, you saw what I did with the insurance company?” “Yeah. You didn’t even let them talk you when they said sorry.” “Why didn’t I, Cait?” “B’cuz they tried to talk you and skipping Grandma?” “I don’t compromise my family’s respect, Pet. Grandma is important to me. You are important to me. I don’t have to care if it’s fair for the insurance company. I’ve been more than fair with them. They got paid first two years ago when I almost lost the farm. I already paid my dues for fair treatment, and my family’s respect is not even going to be something I talk to them about. They respect you and Grandma, or I don’t need them.” Cait hugged him. She didn’t know exactly what he said. But what she did hear was… Grandma was too important for him to accept trading her be-spect. And Cait was too important for him to trade her be-spect. That’s all she needed to hear. Arnold frowned. “I wish my boys were as attentive as your ten year old kid,” he frowned. “They’re a lot older, but sometimes, I wonder if they know the meaning of fair and how to get it with family. Maybe I can pay you to teach my kids?” Sean shook his head. “No, you know you don’t mean that, Arnold.” “I actually, do, sometimes. But I suspect being boys has a little bit to do with it, or maybe not having a sister to be gentle with?” “They’re still kids, Arnold. Give them time. Liam was really gentle with Cait the other day.” “I even peed my pants,” Cait looked up at him. “Liam said he not changing no ten year old butt, but he still stayed with me until I go in the house and he didn’t call me bad stuff.” “Oh, Mr. Arnold, sir? Oh, sorry. I been dis-be-spectful. I… um… Daddy? Can I talk to Mr. Arnold? What his last name?” The two men looked at one another, Sean more sad and Arnold more with his eyes scrunched like he was trying to understand something. “Cait…, he’s at your table, and you were invited to talk,” Daddy said again like the third time. “You already got permission to talk to him. You were not disrespectful, Pet. It’s okay to talk.” “Oh. Okay. Can… Can you wait a minute, Mr. Liam’s Daddy?” “Sure. I’m not going anywhere.” Cait ran upstairs and dug under her bed. She ran back down. She saw a little yellowy on the blue paper. “Um… I not allowed to say it. I showed why Daddy at Mysery always says it though. I got it. It go pee on it. Tell Liam I sorry.” Arnold took the paper from her anyway. It was folded like a card. It has pretty colors all over it. On the outside front, in big rainbow colors, one word. “F A N K S” was printed. Inside, there was a horse and a little girl by the horse and a tall boy outside the gate talking. Under the boy. “I am not tanjin no 10 yeah od but.” Arnold smiled and chuckled. “He’ll like this, Cait. Even with the pee on it.” Cait smile and looked down. “He my best big friend but I have another big friend. But he bigger friend than my other big friend, and he stay with me dark so Snake can’t bite me but I trouble for him. So he get a Thanks Card.” Eiboline called to Sean. “Sean? Do you want to give them another shot? They said they won’t even make Cait go through the pre-screening. I told them she has the hernia, something that will get her thrown off the insurance before they start, but they said they’ll work around it.” “Eiboh? Did the man talk with you with dignity, or did he talk at you?” Sean asked. “I wasn’t offended.” “Tell him we’ll talk to him tomorrow then at a time he determines. But if I don’t like his manner to either you or Cait, they had their chance, so tell him to come knowing who he’s talking to. I can be stubborn, and you know I can.” “Mr. Michael James asked if we can come in first thing. He says they open at nine, but he knows we are at the farm, so he’ll leave his day open for us until eleven.” “Eleven, eh?” Sean smiled. “I think he’s getting it. Yeah, we’ll be there at open, if Arnold is okay bringing his boys by tomorrow morning to help out on the farm.” “We’ll be here before seven.” “Daddy and Grandma trying to fix my body so I can choose if I pee my pants or not. I don’t get to choose a lot of times. It just doing it. Daddy says if I choose it, he not stopping that. He said he getting it fix so I CAN choose.” Arnold looked up at Sean. “You’re letting a ten year old decide if she pees her pants?” “She’s a person, Arnold. Why not? It only bothers her, and I don’t know many ten year olds that choose that unless it’s because of feeling safe or feeling like they are being heard. I see no reason not to let her wet her pants, if something scares her or she feels something is more important. We can still talk about it, and talk her through if it was the best thing for her. But a child that has been controlled like she has… they need to know that they have the choice. It’s not hurting anyone else. It’s not like she asks to sit on people and do it. That…, I would correct.” “What about social consequences and rashes and other problems that come with a kid peeing her pants?” Arnold asked. “Well, like I said, she’s ten. She’s not dumb. Ten year old kids are not going to pee in front of their peers unless something happens that scares them, makes them forget, or they are made to feel is more important. I’m not worried about her putting herself in social trouble all the time, and if becomes a problem, that’s what communication is about.” Arnold nodded. “Yeah, I suppose that’s right. But what about rashes?” “Rashes are not a problem if she changes her pants often enough. Grandma and I have already been working on teaching her to change her pants as soon as she can when she makes a mess even when it’s not her choice to potty her pants, she can still choose to put on clean clothes. She’s still learning she’s allowed to do it without permission, but we are working on it.” “She doesn’t know she should change her pants?” “Oh, I have no doubt she knows she should. That doesn’t mean she feels safe doing it yet. You have to understand. This child has not been living in a house where kids are assumed to be smart. They have to prove it. And if you have one little problem like your eyes don’t see the page right, or you can’t read big enough words, they didn’t look at her as being smart. That’s half the trouble. She knows she shouldn’t be wet, but she doesn’t feel empowered to do anything about it, yet. She’s learning though.” “What kind of crappy parents…?” “Don’t go spreading this around or saying stuff,” Sean leaned on the table. “I’m working with Cait, her Grandma, my wife… yeah, I know it sounds funny, but it’s Cait’s world. We are there for her as she needs us to be, but the both of us and eventually her therapists and doctors will teach her about choice and her responsibility to take care of herself.” When Arnold left, Cait was glad he still had her card for Liam. He even showed it up at Cait as he walked out so Cait could see. “Old Arnold means well,” Daddy said. “He just does things different and doesn’t understand. That’s okay. Being friends doesn’t mean you have to understand and do the same things. You just have to respect that your friend can make their own choices.” Cait held Daddy’s hand. Even if she didn’t understand his reasons for saying some things, she liked that he talked to her like she mattered. Like she was smart enough to talk to. “Daddy?” Cait looked up into his eyes and she felt his strong hands as she held one of them in both of hers. “What if I am sixteen, and I still pee my pants?” “Well…, I don’t know, Cait. What are you worried about with that scenario? Are you afraid you are doing it on purpose? Are you afraid your classmates won’t understand?” “Will you still like me?” He squeezed her hand. “I will always love you, Cait, even if you are old and gray and still pee while you’re talking at the table. Love is not conditional, Cait.” “What if Arnold says he won’t be your friend no more because I teaching his kids to pee their pants?” Sean frowned. “Where would you get that idea?” Cait looked down. Somewhere outside, an ant scampered to its nest. It ran down into the tunnels until it found the telephone room. It clicked and ticked at the phone…. Six ants with headbands and feathers popped out of their hole somewhere in a back yard. They saw their target, a large giant structure with little entrance places their size here and there. The clicked and ticked at each other. Three ants went up the wall. Two ants went to the large plank that was different from the wall. One ant crawled up to this giant see-in thingy. It tested and pushed until it found a way under the see-in thing and got into the empty room. “Cait?” Sean broke into her thinking. “Does anyone accuse you of teaching other kids to pee their pants?” Cait’s finger was resting on her bottom teeth in her mouth. “No.” Drool pools on her finger. The single ant moved across the large foreign surface. There was no dirt, no grass, no rock anywhere on the flat surface. It touched the front of the surface with its forward hands that were on its head. Tick tick click click It signaled though it couldn’t see the other five. Ticking and clicking came back to hit. The ant moved forward. “Well, where would you get the idea that you are teaching someone to wet their pants?” Daddy asked Cait. “It’s Grainne.” The ant broke into a room with white ground, shiny walls, white big things that had water smell to them. Once of the things had dirty water in it. A large creature with a snake like arm swayed back and forth, it’s body striking another large creature with their back turned to the creature with the snake arm. “Roisin Pisses her pants because you teach her to do it,” was yelled and echoed around the room. Cait looked up at Sean. “What if Grainne gets hit because I pee my pants? What if she gets hit because Roisin pees her pants? What if Daddy blames her for both of us? What if Grainne doesn’t know, but I caught her changing her panties one day last year?” Sean frowned and looked over at Eiboline. Eiboline frowned. “What if…? Or are you afraid to say it is?” Cait shrugged. “Grainne peed her pants on the bus home, one day. I didn’t think about it when I was sitting next to her, but then when we got home, I was outside the bathroom. I wanted to go pee. Grainne was taking a minute and so I tried to go in. She said get out really mad, so I went out, but she had her panties off and her skirt was really wet on the butt. I think she was hiding her panties.” “Well, Cait, you are here, right now. There is nothing you can do right now that would affect Grainne getting in trouble. I cannot tell you if another sister is being used the wrong way or not, but I can tell you, that it’s not right,” Eiboline responded. “I don’t think it’s healthy to think so much about what you can’t do anything about, Pet.” Cait sighed. The ghost said that Cait had power. All she had to have to do, is just potty her pants how the ghost wanted, and Grainne wouldn’t be in trouble, and then Roisin wouldn’t see her pee, and so Daddy wouldn’t accuse Grainne of teaching Roisin wrong. It was Cait’s fault. As Cait got ready to sleep that night, she thought about the ant scout and what the ant saw in her old home. To her, it was very real, but it was cartoon ant after all that went down it’s mound in an elevator, and it had a telephone room where it called up her uncle’s ants, and they sent these cartoon like ‘Indian scout ants’ into the house to find out that Grainne was being yelled at by her other Daddy again, and he had a new snake belt that was hitting Grainne. “Kooks? Which Jesus feels more real to you?” Cait asked the bear. “Everywhere in the world, I see people have some trouble, and a lot of lost people. The Bible isn’t magic. It doesn’t always save people. Does Daddy’s Jesus get stronger than Father’s Jesus?” “It’s the same person, it’s it?” Kooks smoothed down some fur on his right front paw-arm. “I don’t know,” Cait frowned. “Father’s Jesus is powerful, but he can be angry and he demands you to be powerful and he demands you obey. Daddy’s Jesus is kind and tells little girls that he’ll hold you even if you peed.” “You humans are too mixed up for me.” “It the grownups that are mixed up,” Cait told Kookaberry. “Grownups have so many rules, I don’t know how they know them all. I just have rules that mean it’s safe. Don’t hit another person. You won’t want it done to you, and so you know if you hit someone, you expect them to hit back. Don’t take and not ask. If someone takes your stuff and you don’t even know they want it, you get mad. So you don’t take stuff. You ask for stuff.” “Those rules are easy.” “The Kinsellas are lying to you,” the ghost appeared on her bed. “The Jesus that Father taught us about is shown in the Bible. He gets mad when the people forget him. He punishes them when they do bad things and don’t trust him to protect them. Don’t you remember the stories?” Cait frowned. When Moses told the people that He, Moses told the people how to get out of the desert, and how he saved them, and how he gave the food and water, God said because you have done this, you will not leave the desert. When Samson forgot his purpose and he let the woman take him from God, his only way to make happy God, was to die with the bad people. When Lot was leaving the bad city, and he told the people not to look back, his wife got punished for wanting to go back. The Ghost was right. Cait sighed. “Do you think the Kinsella’s are doing what Jesus wants?” The Ghost shrugged. “How would we know? What matters is you do what God wants. Does God want a dirty poopy ten year old follower?” “No?” “But that is what you are. Before you can stop pooping your pants, you have to ask God to forgive you for everything.” “What is forgive?” “How should I know? I’m just a ghost. You should have listened to Father.” “Father? He says I stay there and finish it, and not say lie I don’t do it. Let it go, and the tell I am sorry. And prove I sorry.” “How do you prove you sorry?” “I… I do recess rule. I don’t tell loud what I do. I sit and wait for say I can move. I wait and then they say I allowed to change and then try again. And I don’t go until I allowed.” “And you been shameful since you got here. God isn’t happy with you.” The next morning, Cait was sitting wrapped in the blankets waiting for father to get her out of bed. She was rocking. Her thumb was in her mouth. Her little boy panties were soggy, but she refused to believe she peed. She was still drizzling when it hurt too much to wait. Her tummy hurt. Air pushed at her bottom, but she tried harder to push it back in, not let it out, in case it was shame. Kookaberry was quiet. Cait was rocking. Her thumb was getting wrinkled. She felt another little bit of water push from her into her boy panties. She was in the wrong panties. God not happy that, too…. Unexpectedly, a tap on the wall and a sound that thundered through her ears told her that they were about to catch her being bad. The bedding was pre-peed… or was it wet? The air puffs were coming out. Was that failure? There was no poop yet. But it was started. She was puffing. Cait rocked harder, staring at the window, shaking. “I didn’t do it. I didn’t do it.” Her butt was sore. She was trying not to let it out. She didn’t pee. She didn’t. But there was dampness in the sheets and the wrapped blanket around her. But she didn’t. It was just pre-pee. It was. “Cait? Are you ready to come out and help with Summerstone this morning?” this distant, dreamy, unreal voice of a dream of what she wished Daddy and God were like called through the open doorway. “The Devil calls, sounding sweet like an angel. He was one, once,” the Ghost told her. Cait nodded. She stayed quiet. She wasn’t going to answer the devil. “You’re pooping your pants,” the Ghost told her. Suddenly, a slimy sick sludge started to push into her boy panties and stick on her butt and legs. She sighed with a small whine and her thumb paused in her mouth as she pushed and loaded her panties now, knowing it was too late. The flood of pee flooded the bed. She had dis-mad-pointed God again. She felt shaking, not her own, someone was using their hands. She closed her eyes. She didn’t want see the demon faces. She screamed. “Leave me alone!” She kicked and slugged the air with her hands. “Get the therapist!” she heard each word slow and echoing in the fight. “Get the Ther o pest!” She kicked, screamed, and swung and cried until she fell asleep, wetness pouring out of her again and soaking her back and bottom before she was too tired, and she saw only black.

Chapter 54 Ch...ch, That God’s House Cait opened her mouth wide, a hiccup of breath shaking her jaw, and she sat up in bed. She looked around the not (azactly) dark room, the curtains pulled just so, a gift from Auntie, so that she could see a little bit and wasn’t scared. The farmland on the dresser was one-se again hiding all the persons by the rules of night. The kalt was almost just-appeared. She felt some warmth in her underwears, and knew that she pre-peed a little in her sleep, but the bed was still not wetted, so it wasn’t full wet, yet. The bed-town along side of her bed, closer to the bottom so she had space to get up, was fully up and she knew it was quiet there with people still sleep in the two or three blocks that were one house, but a lot of these, so it was a town. There was bit of light through the open of the curtain, that let light in, and the sky was look not dark black, but more like it was light with a deep orange and red haze. It was the second Sunday in June. It was just one day after the first week with the Kinsellas, where Cait knew Sean as Uncle, and then Uncle-Daddy, and then Cow-Daddy. He was the safe one. It was okay to get up even if she pees the floor. The ghost sat on the edge of the bed, it’s head turned towards Cait but it’s body trying to face the window. The dress was soaking wet and stained that it had on. It’s eyes were just dark holes of black. “Sure, get up,” the ghost told Cait. “Dairy Dad won’t say a thing, but you know yourself, you are going to pee in a minute. You can even clean the stain up off the floor, but then you’ll be a liar.” Cait paused. “You promised something last night, but I guess your promises don’t mean nothing?” Cait looked down. “What did I promise?” “That your new pony comes first, or are you too stupid to be member?” Cait wet a little pre-pee in her underwears. “Well, staying in bed isn’t doing the promise, too.” “I never said it was, but if you go into the bathroom, or make a stain on the floor, you know what will happen. First, you won’t be doing your promise that Summerstone is first, and second, if you ignore the floor to care for Summerstone, then that means Auntie has to clean up your stupid stuff.” “What do I do?” “Honestly? No Kookaberry bites?” “I want to do my promise, ghost. What do I do?” “Hurry up and pee in the bed. That’s where you are supposed to pee at. Then you go straight out to Summerstone, and change your pajamas after Summerstone is taken care of, like you promised.” “I could just go outside, peeing my pants outside.” “And if you don’t make it outside, then Auntie cleans up the floor all the way as far as you get while you are peeing? Put your hand in your pajamas and feel your Undies. Then, you tell me that you are not going to start getting pee pee for real on the floor.” Cait felt some more pee soak into her underwears. Her face was hot and she shivered in bed. “You’re right. It’s not going to wait long.” “Just pee your pants here, so Auntie only has to wash the sheets. Then put Summerstone first, like you said. You’re not a liar?” Cait spread her legs a little and it started pouring into the bed and she felt her chest get sore and her body shook. Her eyes hurt. Her pajamas got wetter and wetter. She shook, but she peed. And then it was over. The wet pajamas clung to her. “Go take care of Summerstone or be a liar,” the ghost whispered a smile on its face as it faded into the shadow of the large wardrobe. Cait sighed deeply, and pushed the blankets back. A lake in the bed, her pajamas clinging to her, she put her feet over the side of the bed, and she slid down to the floor. The house felt really quiet. She reached back across the bed and pulled Kookaberry to her, and then took Kookaberry’s lease, that suspender thing that Auntie uses, and she hung it round her neck and clipped the bear to it so it hung on her stomach. Her bedroom door was always open at night now. “Cait,” Auntie had rubbed the small girl’s legs last night when she had her tucked in bed. “How about we leave your bedroom door open tonight?” “Yeah?” “Yeah. You choose to close the door when you want, pet. I don’t want you to ever feel any room in the house is off limits to you during the day, and at night, well, if you are scared, you knock, but mostly, Uncle and Auntie’s room is off limits when we are in there unless we already invited you in, okay?” “Okay.” “No more doors inside, unless someone is in the bathroom.” Cait had taken a deep breath. “Why suddenly?” “Oh… just something your mom said when we were talking. I don’t want you to be scared to get up in the night if you need. I don’t mean just for the toilet, lassie. I mean for water if you need it, I mean to watch TV at four in the morning because you can’t sleep anymore, and I mean, just when you really need to not feel stuck.” “Okay.” Auntie and Uncle Sean. They don’t act like they know everything, but they do. Auntie knew I wouldn’t leave the bedroom with the door closed unless I heard them first… unless I had to pee, now. And she knew I would be scared to go into rooms that were closed off. She knew it. I don’t know how she knew. I don’t think Mama knew, so I don’t know what Mama told her. Cait looked down the empty kind of dark-kind of light balcony hallway to the Uncle and Auntie’s room. The door was closed. The bathroom light shined into the hall. That door was open. She tiptoed to the stairs and looked down at the clock that was just sort of lit enough. It had the little hand on the four and the big hand on the two. 4-2 in her way of telling time. Walking as quiet as possible, she crept down the stairs to the kitchen. The sun’s light was peeking up into the sky giving it some blue now. There was a little deep red and orange in the sky, still. The kitchen was as if no one had ever been in it except to clean it. No dishes, no chairs out, nothing that proved anyone should be in it. “Summerstone,” she breathed to herself. She got to the back door. “You don’t come out here on your own,” Uncle Sean told her. “Not until I know you can understand the animals right. Snakes shouldn’t be up here everyday now the bulls are closer to the house, but still, sometimes things happen. You only come out there if you know I’m out there and you only go to your pen and those places between on your own. I want you to wander, but I want you to do it in safety, love.” Cait hung her head. “Summerstone,” a whisper reminded her. “Are you breaking your promise?” “Cait,” Kookaberry whispered to her. “Is it breaking your promise if you knock on your Uncle’s door and make sure he is outside, first? Is it breaking your promise to follow his rules so you can do safe things?” Cait closed her eyes. “I don’t know,” she whispered aloud. “I know that Uncle Sean and Auntie are scared of snakes, and you are near it. I know Auntie will yell. She not mean. She yell because snake is serious. That boy last night… he telled you, right? A snake killed the little boy.” “A bull did,” Cait countered. “No. The bull was safe for the boy. The boy wouldn’t go in the pen if he or Uncle got scared of the bull. The snake scared the bull. The bull did was accident. The accident get made from the snake. And….” Cait had started to argue about the horns. “And…,” Kookaberry’s soft arm seemed to fall just right to brush Cait’s arm. “Even if the bull wasn’t there, and the boy was….” “The snake bites,” Cait whispered understanding that the snake was always the danger. “I could have went to the bathroom, huh?” Kookaberry seemed to shake its head. “I stayed quiet for because it was wrong to stop you peeing.” “Why? “Your underwears were not just wet, Cait. You were peeing in the pajamas, and if I chomped the ghost, you still would be sitting in a puddle in the hall thinking you should have made it. You already started to wet the bed. You were waking up, but you were really wet. You remember. You felt it.” “Yeah.” “Sometimes, the ghost isn’t wrong about you just peeing, it’s just it’s reasons haven’t been right yet.” “Yeah?” “Yeah,” Kookaberry frowned at Cait. “Just because Barbara Hayes doesn’t want you to play outside, doesn’t mean you ignore her when she tells you the teacher says recess is over. Remember?” “Hey!” Cait frowned, and she saw the girl standing there bold as day with her new watch telling Cait that she was going to get in trouble if she went with the fourth graders, that they come in later. Her blue eyes glancing at Cait’s shorts like she expected something, her yellow-blond hair shining in the sun, and her excitement over having a watch with Mickey Mouse on it because she could tell time. “You can’t play with those kids,” Barbara sneered at Cait. “They’re just kids!” “They’re fourth graders. They finish lunch later than us. You’ll be late.” “You’re not that smart,” Cait kicked sand at the prissy girl that told everyone in third grade what to do that year. “Yeah. Well, get yourself in trouble. See if I care!” Cait turned her back on her. Dad was furious! She came back to the present, standing by the stairs looking up to the balcony. “Get Uncle-Daddy, Cait. You’ll be in less trouble if he’s sleeping and you wake him than if you go outside, and he’s not out there.” “Fine” Cait shook her head. “I’ll get him.” Cait took a deep sigh, and she walked up the stairs back to the balcony, and she looked over at the closed door that meant the room was private right now. “I’m not scared,” she whispered to Kookaberry, her thumb in her mouth. “Is it wrong to knock?” “More wrong than to break a promise, either to Summerstone or to Uncle Sean? You promised Uncle Sean not to go outside by yourself until he knew you could understand the animals. Don’t you be member?” Cait took a keep breath, pulled her thumb out of her mouth and wiped it on her peed on pajamas bottoms, and then lifted it. “This is right, right?” Kookaberry didn’t answer. Cait's knuckles very very lightly tapped at the door. "Uncle-Daddy?" Her voice hurt from her trying so hard to keep it low, that it scratched somehow inside. “Daddy?” Her hands shook a little. The door opened, and Cait looked up at his wet hair, his hands already reaching for her shoulders, and his eyes resting on hers. His suspenders were already in place. He took a knee and rubbed her back, his hand gentle on her shoulder. “I peed the bed,” she whispered. “In my sleep, and then again, on purpose. I had to keep my promise to Summerstone.” Her eyes searched his. “I didn’t want to make a mess for Auntie, and the bed was already…,” Her voice fell silent. “Now,” Uncle-Daddy pulled her into his lap. “That’s as it should be for now. But we need to get you cleaned up.” He lifted Cait, and she felt him pull her into the air and settle his arm under her wet bottom. “Bath time.” Cait wiggled in his arm and got closer to his ear where she whispered. “What about Summerstone? I promised. I told him last night that he’s first.” “And he will be, Cait. But a horse knows when its person is hurting.” “What?” “You want to feed him in wet pajamas? You want him to smell that on you and think you're scared?" Cait looked down. "He'd know?" “He'd know,” Sean carefully set her on the tub side, and then he knelt next to her. "Let me tell you about a horse I had when I was about your age. Her name was Sunset." Cait's thumb slipped into her mouth. She blinked up at him for a moment or two, and then let her head fall one time. Just one short nod that said I’m listening. “She was four years old, and she was mine. There was a boy at school — Brian. He pushed me down every chance he got. Made my life miserable every single day.” Sean's voice went quiet. “Yeah, I know the kid like that. Her name is Barbara for me.” “Well, One afternoon, I was in her pen, telling her about him. I didn't know he'd followed me.” “Did Sunset? I bet she did!” “I don’t know, but he came up behind me and shoved me right into a fresh pile of manure." Cait's eyes went wide. “Yuck! Banure?” “That’s right, pet. Yuck. But then you know what Sunset did?” Uncle Sean smiled a little, a small little point of his lip twitched at the corner of his mouth. “What?” Cait was bouncing on her butt listening with all her might, excited for what Sunset might do!” “Well, that four year old pony wasn’t so small, and Sunset rose up on her hind legs and kicked her front hooves at him.” Cait covered her eyes. “Whoa!” “She didn't touch him,” Uncle Daddy laughed. “But he fell backward, and he pooped his pants right there in the pen." Cait looked serious, her thumb in her mouth, watching Uncle Sean for some kind of mouth, hand, or eye thing to say he was teasing. They stared at each other, Uncle Sean’s hand under her and her eyes not blinking… she suddenly asked, “That’s it?” Her high pitched squeal of laughter cut through the morning air. The sound surprised her. “Funny thing, that horse,” Sean pulled Cait into his lap as he knelt there. “She'd seen other kids push me down before, but she only did that to him!” “It was almost like she…,” Cait was breathless and magickified at the same time. “I'm convinced she knew,” Uncle Sean nodded at her quiet near question. “That boy made me miserable every single day, and she knew." Cait pulled her thumb out. "Did she ever really kick anyone?" "Never. Not once." "Then why did she do that to him?" “Because she loved me,” Sean said. “And she knew I was hurting. Horses know, Cait. They feel what you feel.” Cait looked down at her pee pee pajamas. “So Summerstone will know if I didn’t want to pee the bed?” “Aye, she does, Cait. If you go out to Summerstone right now, in those wet pajamas, with your heart all twisted up — he'll feel that. He'll think he did something wrong." Cait put her hands in her wet lap and felt the bad and gross things her Crop-Daddy said of the wet and icky pee on her legs. "I don't want him to think that." "Then let's get you clean and dry first. That's not breaking your promise. That's keeping it the right way." Cait nodded slowly. "Okay." Sean stood and held out his hand. She took it. He lifted her up and took her to the toilet and put her on the toilet, and then he started to take off her shirt. "What happened to Sunset?" Cait whispered putting her thumb in her mouth. Sean went quiet—not even continuing to unbutton her pajama shirt. His fingers just shook, and then they just freeze. They just sat there. A shaky quiet whimper broke the quiet when he continued. His voice was softer. "She was sold while I was at school. I came home and she was gone. But she wouldn't stay gone.” Sean unbuttoned two more buttons on the top. “The trailer lost its balance on the road. The door came open. She got out and tried to run back to me." Cait started to pull her arms through the open sleeves now as she asked about more. "Did she make it?" "No, pet,” Sean whispered a heavy earthen groan seemed to linger. “Her flank gave out not an hour up the road. She was too crippled. They had to shoot her." Cait stopped squirming to get her shirt off. She looked up at him. "She died trying to get back to you?" "That's what I believe. The police said it was the wind, or the road, or something else. But my dad and I always knew. She chose me. And she died trying to get back to me." Cait squeezed his hand. "I'm sorry, Uncle-Daddy." Sean squeezed back. "Don't be sorry, little one. She loved me. That's not something to be sorry about. It's something to carry." Cait’s shirt was finally off, and Uncle Sean breathed once or twice deeply as he turned back to the tub. Sean turned on the water and started filling the tub. "Summerstone is yours now," he said. "And he's going to love you the same way. But you have to let him. You have to show up clean and dry and happy. That's what he needs from you." Cait nodded. "I can do that." "I know you can." She reached up and hugged him. He hugged her back. “Uncle? Would they sell Summerstone on me?” Cait asked. “Not unless I had no other choice, like I was already losing the farm, pet. It hurts to have your own stuff taken away and sold on you, especially if that things is alive like Shadow and Summerstone.” “Not even if I pee my pants still, after you fix me at the doctor, or after I go back to my other family because of… stuff?” “Not even then, Cait. We are family. All of us. We don’t sell things on family, at least not at the Kinsella farm, we don’t.” “Do you think Daddy wants to think I stupid?” “I don’t honestly know what is going on with him, pet. But I know he has a lot of worries, and the drink, it don’t make him think none too good either. But sometimes, that’s the point. The drink, I mean. I helps you dull the thinking because it hurts sometimes.” “Maybe if I just tried harder not to pee….” “No, Cait. Don’t ever think like that. That’s what caused part of your problems. The doctor says you shouldn’t have held it half as long as you do, sometimes.” “But the others girls do, and they never peed their pants… acksepted for sometimes outside, sometimes Roisin.” “Cait, no. You told your big sisters right when we left the farm this last time. You told your Daddy right, too, that he needs to think if he wants wet daughters or a finished farm. They are too little to get all the way to the house from way out in the fields.” “Okay.” Sean started to soap up a cloth. “Let’s get you ready for Summerstone and for Church, okay?” Sean didn’t use the brush on her nails, he didn’t clean her nails at all. He didn’t spend too much time on her feet at all. He just got her clean. But Cait was okay with that. If she wanted to feel the extra—she didn’t know what it was, but if she wanted it, she could ask Auntie later. Sean lifted Cait out of the tub and wrapped her in a towel that was warm from the radiator. She hugged Kookaberry against the towel, and her thumb found her mouth. "Now," Sean said. "Let's get you dressed, pet. Summerstone's waiting." Cait nodded and let him carry her to the bedroom. The bed was stripped already — Auntie must have done it while they were in the bath. Fresh sheets were on the mattress, pulled tight. Cait looked at them and felt her chest squeeze. "Auntie fixed it," she whispered. "Auntie washed it," Sean said. "That's what we do with wet sheets. We wash them." He set her down by the wardrobe. "Pick your farm clothes, Cait. Something you can get dirty." Cait reached for the boy jeans and a plaid shirt. The thick boy underpants were already in her hand. She pulled them on herself, then the jeans, then the shirt. Sean buttoned the cuffs for her, and she tucked Kookaberry under her arm. "Ready?" "Ready." They walked down the stairs together, through the kitchen, and out the back door. The morning air was cool and smelled like hay and animals. Cait's boots crunched on the gravel path. She could hear the horses before she saw them — a soft whinny, then another. "There he is," Sean said. Summerstone stood close to his mother, his legs still a little wobbly, his ears twitching. When he saw Cait, he took a step toward the fence. "He knows me," Cait whispered. "He knows you're his person," Sean said. "Go on. Let him smell you." Cait held out her hand. Summerstone sniffed her fingers, then her wrist, then nudged her palm. His nose was soft and warm. "Hi, Summerstone," she breathed. "I'm clean now. I came back." The foal made a small sound, almost like a question. Cait giggled. "He's hungry," Sean said. "Let's get him and his mama fed." They filled the feed buckets together — Cait scooping, Sean lifting. The mother horse ate first, and Summerstone nursed beside her. Cait watched, her chin resting on the fence rail. "Can I stay here all day?" "You can stay a while," Sean said. "But the horses need to eat in peace. We've got other animals waiting on their breakfast, too. Want to help me feed them?" Cait looked at Summerstone one more time. "Okay. But I'm coming back after." "I'd expect nothing less." They walked toward the barn, and Cait looked back over her shoulder. Summerstone was still nursing, but his ears turned toward her as she went. "He knows I'm coming back," she said. "He does," Sean said. "And he'll be here when you do." They fed the chickens, the cows, the few goats they had, and finally Shadow. “Hey, Shadow,” Cait reached towards her. “You hungry?” Shadow crept close to Cait and laid on its back turning it’s stomach up at her. “That’s a dog’s way of saying please pet my tummy. It’s a special place, when any animal lets you pet their belly, Cait. Know why?” Cait looked up at Uncle and shrugged. “Why?” Uncle poured a scoop of food into the dog dish. “The stomach is almost always the weakest spot, the spot that if a predator gets to, will not only be certain death, but will be painful. Even larger predators in a fight, keep their stomachs hidden as much as they can in a fight.” “You know so much!” Cait looked up at Uncle Sean though her hand had some dog food in it that she was holding out to Shadow. “Cait! Get in here and wash your hands!” Auntie called. “I didn’t even go see Summerstone again, yet.” “You’ll get a chance in a bit, girl. You need your breakfast though, too. You fed your baby, now you eat!” Both of the adults laughed. After breakfast, they allowed Cait to go see Summerstone for a little, and then Sean carried her back into the house, her thumb in her mouth where she was taken back up to her room where Auntie helped her put on a nice purple dress. “I don’t like church,” Cait whispered around her thumb as Auntie was zipping up the back. “Why not?” Auntie turned her to face her, Auntie’s face a frown. “Oh, it’s not that I hate God or nothing like that. It’s just… church is hard.” “Tell Auntie what you mean, sweetheart.” She sat on the bed and pulled Cait in her lap. “What’s hard about church?” “You have to be really quiet and really still. And then you have to read even harder stuff than a regular book, and if you don’t read right, you get in trouble in Sunday school.” “Really?” Auntie frowned. “And then I pee my pants, and then that’s when I really hate it because… it’s worse than when I pee my pants at school.” Auntie rubbed her back. “You don’t gotta go to Sunday School if you are scared,” Auntie whispered to Cait. “And you can sit in Auntie or Uncle-Daddy’s lap the whole time if you want, sweetheart. Church is important. You have to go, but you don’t gotta face it alone, and we’ll support you the whole time, sweetheart.” “But…, if you hold me, I’ll pee on you. I always pee at church. I don’t know why.” “The doctor does, though, Cait. You’re not being bad. You’re just sick, and being nervous doesn’t help when you already feel scared about peeing. You just pee your pants, hon. No one is going to mind.” Cait looked up at her. She felt a tightness in her chest. Did Auntie just give her permission to pee her pants in church? That doesn’t make any sense. Or was she just saying it’s going to happen anyway, like Daddy does? But that’s not Auntie, either. Sean knocked at the door even though Auntie left it open. “Is everything okay?” “She’s scared, Sean. She says she always pees her pants at church, and that it’s more scary when it happens there than at school.” Sean frowned. “Well, now, that’s just not right. You know what, Cait? I bet you were never allowed to take something with you before to help you feel less scared, were you?” Cait looked down. No. That’s dumb. Daddy says she’s not a baby even if she acts it. She shivered. Then she looked up, a hot wateriness in her eyes, and she whispered. “I’m not a baby.” The adults looked at one another. Auntie patted Cait’s lap and Uncle-Daddy frowned but he wasn’t looking at Cait or Auntie. He turned to look out the window, and his fists tightened at his side. Cait had never seen his fists get so tight. He muttered something. “...me the str-th not to ber fas winess…” was among the things Cait though she heard in his mutterings out the window. He turned and squatted down. “You look at me, child,” he held Cait’s arms, not in an angry way, but it was still tight, like he wanted something from her. “You are NOT a baby. That’s right. But kids cannot sit still through church where they barely understand everything said. You don’t need to look at Kookaberry as a baby’s toy. He’s not, Cait. He’s your comfort object. Your Daddy, does he leave his cigarettes at home when he goes to church?” Cait frowned. “Those grown up things.” “They are his comfort-vice, child. They are no more big nor small than your cuddly Kookaberry, only Kookaberry is a better thing to bring to church.” “Why?” “Because Kookaberry doesn’t bother anyone. You don’t throw it around and bother other people with him, do you?” “No.” “Well, the smoke from the cigarette, even if people are too nice to say it to his face, does bother other people. So, your comfort thing is a lot less troublesome than your Daddy’s. You just think about that if you get nervous. And if you pee your pants, you hold Kookaberry tight and whisper to him, and you come and get in my lap, child.” “I wet your lap? At… at church?” “Church is no different than anywhere else, child. God… Jesus told the people to let the children come to him, and he would have put you in his lap even while you are pooping your pants, if he thought you needed a hug. He doesn’t shame a child for being a child, especially when a child is trying really hard, and is sick.” “Okay.” “No Sunday School for her?” Auntie asked. “How about we let her decide that after she sees how the main meeting goes? No decisions until it’s upon her, and then we support her. We even leave right after the main meeting if we need to.” “Sean! You’ve never left mid-service before,” Auntie said though there was a twitch in the corners of her mouth. “God understands, though. You don’t force a child. You support a child and you let her feel the love, not the pressure of doing what man says is right.” “Of course, you’re right, Sean,” Auntie pulled me in a hug and whispered in my ear, the air ticking the tops of my ears. “You hear, that, Cait? If you don’t want to stay after the main meeting, you tell Uncle-Daddy and we go home, no shame.” I shivered in her arms. Was that really okay? Chapter 55 The Parking Lot Before In the car, Cait sat with her hands in her lap and she looked around outside. Kookaberry was pinned to her dress with his leash, so she wouldn’t lose him, and her hands held his lap like Uncle Daddy and Auntie had been doing since the whole week, especially at the doctors. “It is your first time at church?” Cait asked Kookaberry. “I don’t remember,” Kookaberry whispered back. “I think I might pee my pants, too.” “That’s okay. If you do, I’ll hold you.” “They never had a reason to take you to church when after the boy, right?” Cait hugged Kookaberry tighter. “Yeah. The boy didn’t need me as much when just before it happened. He still slept with me sometimes, but he spent less time just before it happened.” “I’m sorry,” Cait frowned. “But I guess kids at my school still call me a baby. I need baby things.” “So…. I’m a baby thing?” “No. Uncle Daddy says you not. He says you like Daddy’s cigarettes for him. You’re just what I need now. That you are not a baby toy.” “Good,” Kookaberry whispered. “I don’t want to be a baby toy. I want to be a Cait toy.” “Don’t worry. You are. But not eber-y-bo’y can understand it.” “They don’t have to, if you still love me.” Cait hugged the bear tightly. The car pulled into the church parking lot. Cait squeezed her legs out of the coming doom of being in a soaking wet dress though she felt no need to go potty right then. She looked out the windows of the car while Uncle Daddy looked for a parking spot. She saw people moving slowly and like a wide ocean or something, into a smaller and smaller slow stream into the church doors. “Boo!” Someone suddenly hit the glass next to her after the car was parked. A certain girl with yellow shiny hair and blue eyes bounced up and down on her toes looking in the glass. Cait struggled to get her seatbelt off. Her best friend was outside the door the one that held her leg even when she had fully pooped her pants last week and she said that Cait was her friend. No one ever held her like that before… except for Uncle Daddy and Auntie. “Slow down, Cait-a-kins,” Sean turned and helped her get the belt off. “Careful opening the door or you’ll hurt your friend.” Cait climbed out of the car. “You bringing your Kookaberry in?” Ruth asked. “I’m not allowed?” “Um…, I’ve never seen anyone bring a toy in after the age of like maybe six,” Ruth frowned. I don’t know. Let’s ask my mom.” “Um… I can leave Kookaberry,” I said feeling my voice get shaky. “No,” Uncle Sean heard us and put a hand on my shoulder. “Each family has their own rules based on what their kids need, Cait. You worry about yourself and what you need, not what Ruth or other kids need. Kookaberry stays with you today.” “Okay.” Ruth looked up at him. “She’s not a baby.” “No, Ruth, she isn’t. But church scares her.” “Why?” “Let’s just say… maybe she hasn’t had the right experiences before. Maybe you can help her with that?” “Yeah. Kookaberry stays,” Ruth pushed Kookaberry back into Cait’s arms. “You’re a big kid. You just… need different thing than someone else. Everyone needs things. My brother needs gum in church even though we not supposed to, Daddy says he can have one piece in the big meeting because he doesn’t talk there, but then he gets rid of it before Sunday school. It’s like a com-po-mise.” Cait frowned. “Yeah. I heard that rule. No food, no drinks, no gum…. The house of God not for eating, but just for learning.” “But some other big kids need to drink something. I seen it,” Ruth said. “Mama says mind my own. It’s their own troubles, and we don’t know what happening, so don’t mind it. And that’s the same your Kookaberry. You need it. No one can mind it, that you need Kookaberry.” “Okay.” Ruth took Cait’s hand and they walked closer to her family. “Look, Billy! You need gum and Cait needs Kookiberry. See? You not weird at all.” Billy smiled and hugged his little sister. “Sometimes, you are hard to hate, Ruth.” Chapter 56 What Is Different In This Church Sean and Eiboline led Cait towards the doors, Ruth not far away, talking to her parents and pointing insistently at Cait. A man would shake Sean’s hand on his way in. A woman would speak briefly with Eiboline. It was very much the same as at the other church with Mommy and Daddy. Everyone sort of ignoring Cait, except Cait still saw Ruth… and her brother, too, looking at her. They got inside the church, and a man looked down at Cait holding her Kookaberry close and her thumb in her mouth. She squirmed a little. “Who’s this?” he asked Sean. “She’s staying with us for a while. Her parents are having some trouble, and they asked us to mind her for a while.” “Well, Cait, my name is Jim Harris. My family is already seated, but I have a son about your age.” Cait smiled up at him. “Sean,” another hand touched his shoulder. “Can I ask you to pray for the opening services today?” “Pastor Patterson. Of course. And while we are at it, I’d like to ask a favor from you?” The pastor looked down at Cait. “As you like. What is your favor?” “Well, Cait has some issues. I’d like her to know that God understands her. Can we get a blessing after church? Not just Cait, but I need one. I’ve been struggling with issues because I’m worried about her, too. I’ll explain away from unneeded ears.” “Sure. Shall I find you after church then?” “If Cait is up to it. I promised her we can leave early if she gets too overwhelmed. Church isn’t her favorite place. She’s… she has difficulties, like I said.” Pastor Patterson nodded and looked down at Cait. “Well, you can leave when you want, child, but I hope that in time, until your Uncle is done minding you, that you might start to consider this place your Church, too. Jesus welcomes everyone, especially children.” Cait clutched Kookaberry tighter. “Okay.” Sean's hand stays on Cait's shoulder as they walk toward the pews. Here and there, chatter before church was not unlike at her old church. One kid scored a goal, a proud father says, or someone has family from out of state coming to visit. It’s Sunday as usual. Ruth ran up on Cait and took her hand. Cait! My mom says you can sit us. Please? Billy’s saving us seat!” She was tugging at Cait’s arm. When Cait looked up at Aunt Eiboline, who glanced at Sean, they both smiled and nodded. “We’ll be along in a minute. Go with your friend, sweetheart.” Ruth smiled and pulled at Cait. They walked to the middle of the seats, and then sat down, Billy there, now moving things from the seat. His suit coat, he put back on. His bag, he moved to the floor. A bit of gum could be seen between his teeth as he spoke. "Hey." Cait looked down shyly. “Hi.” Her voice quivered and was barely a whisper. Ruth scooting in next to Billy, touched the seat beside her glancing up to Cait. Cait sat with Kookaberry in her lap. “I pee my pants at church,” she whispered to Ruth. “Well, if you don’t want to do it, even if you think you are starting to pee, you can ask me to take you,” Billy told her. “I took my little sister into the girls’ room before. Other kids tease me about it, but I don’t care. That’s my sister, and you are her friend, so I see nothing wrong with it. I’m not watching you or anyone else pee. They have inside doors for the toilet.” Cait frowned and looked down. “I just do it though… before I know I’m doing it.” “Then tell me anyway. I’ll get you to Mr. Kinsella where you can feel safe.” “Okay.” Cait felt people moving behind her, and then saw in the row behind, Bill and Ruth’s parents were there and so were Auntie and Uncle-Daddy. She was safe. A woman with red hair in a bun, a green dress, and that smelled like cotton candy? Walked over and met with Eiboline. “It’s nice to see you,” the woman whispered to Eiboline. “The Henderson’s daughter, Ruth, says that you have a girl that might be in our Sunday school class.” “I’ll be in Sunday School with Ruthie?” Cait whispered around her thumb clutching Kookaberry tightly. “I… I don’t know.” “Well, we are going to leave that up to Cait when time for Sunday school comes. We’ll give her three choices… to join Ruth, to stay with us in ours, or to just go home early. Church makes her really nervous, you see.” “Well, that’s understandable,” Mrs. Johnson whispered. “But we’ll be really happy if you do get the courage to join Ruth, Cait. It’s not wrong if you can’t come today. You can try another day if you want.” Cait’s grip on Kookaberry loosened, and her thumb fell so only the tip was on her bottom lip. “Can I bring Kookaberry? Can I have my thumb, wherever it wants to go?” “We don’t pay attention to thumbs in Sunday School,” Mrs. Johnson smiled. And I had a friend just like Kookaberry until I was twelve. He went everywhere with me, and especially to church. He was a bit naughty though and bounced a bit too much, but my mother never made me leave him at home. He was a rabbit named Flopsy.” “Flopsy? That’s a good name for a rabbit,” Cait whispered. “Well, I know Flopsy loved her name,” Mrs. Johnson nodded. “But there will be a small rule for Kookaberry. When you are talking, he has to be quiet, and when other classmates are talking, he has to listen. And of course, unless it’s really important, then he should listen to the message of the day.” “Oh, he will. I promise,” Cait frowned. “But only if we go. I don’t know yet. I might pee and get scared.” “Why would that scare you, sweetheart?” “It just does.” “Well, if you get scared, you can whisper to Ruth. She’ll let me know if you need the girls’ room or something.” “Yeah, okay.” Chapter 57 Gonna wet my pants! It won’t come out! Gonna do it! The pastor was soon at the pulpit, and he looked around at all the wonderful people there. Cait saw moms with arms around sons and dads holding daughters in their laps. She saw two preschoolers on the floor with plastic trucks, Mom on one said and Dad on the other side of them, blocking them from disturbing others to the left and right, but still letting them play as long as they were quiet. She saw the comfortable lights, and the pastor looked out at the congregation. “Brothers and sisters, we have a blessing today. Two new births in the congregation and the mothers are in the hospital today with their babies, but they are expected to go home tomorrow. We have friends and relatives vising from out of town, too. First, the Sullaviches are back in town….” “Not them,” Billy said. “Billy!” his mother whispered up towards him. “Not nice.” “I’m sor—ree!” he looked at his mother. “But if they cause Ruth to so much as pee a little bit in her panties today, I….” “What do you mean, make her pee her panties?” Billy frowned. “Nevermind. It’s not done in a way I can prove it. It’s just… they scare her, mom.” “Well, I can take her to the bathroom, today, Billy!” “Mom! That’s exactly why she’s pee her pants! You just don’t get it!” Mrs. Henderson frowned. “Are you saying she say something or does something if I take Ruth to the toilet?” “Mom…,” Billy frowned. “Ruth is in fourth grade now. Of course they do. They’d been calling her a mama’s baby since second grade about it. Now… Ruth told me she would rather pee her pants than you take her before we left home.” Mr. Henderson leaned up to Ruth. “Is that true, hon?” Ruth frowned and nodded. “I don’t want to go in there alone because I don’t know what they’ll do, and if mom takes me this year, the Su-uh-itches will make the whole fourth, fifth, and sixth graders call me a baby!” “I’ll try to go with you,” Cait said. “I’ll probably even be wet, so they can tell everyone that….” “No,” Billy frowned. “Ruth, I told you. The bathrooms in the girls’ toilets have doors in front of the toilets, right? So, if you need to go, I’ll take you. Mom isn’t taking you, and when you come out, if I see a Su-um-itch, I’ll tell you that you always forget to wash your hands, and you can argue with me, and they’ll think I was just being a big brother over a normal thing.” “But you gotta go in the girl’s bathroom to do it.” “So? I went in the girls’ bathroom before when you were in third grade. No one cares. I’m not doing nothing. Just making sure you wash your hands because mom’s busy and you didn’t ask her to come with you, and I saw you go in the bathroom, and I am telling you to wash your hands… right?” “Billy, I don’t know about you taking your sister….” “Dad, my mind’s made up. She’s not going to the toilet with mom. I’m not having the whole Sunday school class laughing at my sister because she needs her mommy to take her, but I’m not letting the Su-um-itches get her alone either. I don’t trust ‘em.” Cait frowned. Billy was willing to take his sister into the girls’ room. Ruth had a brother that Cait was sure… Daddy would have floored for even suggesting that to him, but she was glad that Ruth’s parents were looking at one another and listening to the kids, like it mattered. Suddenly, before it could be resolved, the Pastor had said “And staying with the Kinsellas for a while, is their little cousin, Cait, from Missouri. Let’s welcome our new members, temporary or long term today, and help us all feel the spirit of God.” The organ lady started playing, and Billy handed a book towards Cait and then brought his book over closer to share with his sister. “I don’t need a book,” Cait whispered. “I feel the song when I sing. The notes and stuff, the reading; it just gets in the way.” Billy shrugged and took a book to himself, but Ruth still stood close enough that if Cait wanted, she could get closer and see. But she refused to look at the book even though she about half a word behind everyone else. She didn’t care. Cait did care, though. She side-glanced at Ruth to make sure Ruth wasn’t feeling embarrassed standing next to her, and she kept glancing back to make sure Uncle Sean and Auntie-grandma weren’t mad that she was actually singing, because she knew she was half a word behind everyone. She called it a half a word. She needed them to start the word sometimes to know what came next sometimes. Everyone just sang as if Cait was following along fine. Then she saw Ruth sat, so she carefully climbed up in the seat, put her hands in her lap around Kookaberry, and she watched the man get up at the pulpit. It wasn’t even the Pastor. Why wasn’t the Pastor speaking? “My dear brothers and sisters,” the man said his voice soft and quiet, like he was trying to sound more… not loud in God’s church even though the po-poss of the Micke is to make everyone hear you. “I was asked today to speak about Compassion….” Cait looked at Billy. “Do you know what Kopasson is?” “Yeah. It just means kindness, but it means a kindness that you don’t get paid for. You don’t get nothing for it, but you do something anyway because it makes someone do good,” Billy whispered. “Fanks.” Cait looked back at the adults, but they were listening. Sean didn’t even threaten to tap her head. He winked at her, even. Ruth was drawing on a paper pad with crayons. Billy was writing on a paper pad with a pencil. “Do you need paper?” Billy asked. “Why?” “For church notes.” “Oh, I be member stuff up in my head,” Cait shifted her shoulders up and looked at at the Ceiling as if expecting God to reach down and finger-nail flick her head for lying, and for it to really hurt. Nothing happened. “What’s Summer-tan?” Cait asked. She knew what summer was and tan was, and a summer tan would have made sense, but the way the speaker was talking, that didn’t sound right. “The Sumeritans and the Jews used to not like each other,” Billy said. “That’s why the Good Sumeritan is one of Jesus’s best examples of what we should do. Someone hated the Jews as a people, but still helped the man that almost died.” “I thought the Jews were the good guys in the Bible!” Cait frowned. “Well…,” Billy frowned. “I don’t know if they were really all that good. I mean, they tried. I think the Bible actually says it like they are just people, that God chose. They don’t have a special ability to be good. They don’t always do the right things. But God just said… you are my people, and then there is a lot written on them.” “Didn’t Adam start the Jews?” Cait whispered. “No? But yes.” Billy frowned. “Look, can we talk later. I have to take notes.” “Sorry,” Cait straightened up. She did it again. She messed up. She should have known better than to talk. Even Billy told her to stop talking! Cait looked back at the entrance to the worship hall. There was an unreadable round disc above the door, with numbers one to twelve, and the two standard hands that confuse her daily. She can name the numbers, and she can understand when it will be O’clock and -thirty. She just counts differently. It’s about 10-5 now. She looked back and the speaker was changing to a woman. “My dear brothers and sisters,” she said in the same quietness as the man before. “Let me tell you a story about a neighbor teenager to start this off, because that teenager, though he doesn’t go to church here, and may not go to one at all, he has the heart of Jesus’s the Woman by the Well….” Cait frowned. Did she ever hear about the woman by the well? Her legs started to bounce a little. Her hands were clutching at Kookaberry. She looked back around at Uncle Sean who smiled at her, but then looked up at the podium. Cait’s knees bounces and she held them a little closer together. “Ruth,” Billy’s voice suddenly whispered sharply at his sister maybe for the third time by as annoyed as he was. “What?” “Get up. You’re going to the bathroom, with your friend.” “I don’t have to….” Billy nodded at Cait’s hands turning white on her legs, her knees bouncing, and her breath sucking through her teeth. “Yes you do!” Ruth looked and she frowned. “You’re right. I’m about to pee my pants. Cait, come to the bathroom with me. I’m scared.” Cait looked over at them, and then down at her knees bouncing. “You don’t want me. I’ll pee in front of everyone and make you….” “Cait! Please!” Ruth looked up at her. “Billy says I have to go, and I don’t want to go with just him bossing me around. Please come with us so he doesn’t boss me?” Cait scratched her head. She thought he was the best big brother ever. They even had a plan if the su-um-itches were in the bathroom. Why does she want Cait with her. “Okay, only I might pee my pants.” “So?” Ruth put her hands in her crotch and squirmed. “Okay. Let’s go. Don’t yell at your sister,” Cait told Billy. “Billy do that?” Cait thought she heard Auntie ask, but they were already headed out the door before she heard the answer. The walked into the bathroom, and then Ruth opened the doors one by one by pushing so make sure they were all empty. “Go to the toilet, Cait,” Ruth whispered. “I’m going too, but only after you go in one. Go.” Cait’s face heated up. “It’s not that easy.” “Well, go anyway,” Billy said. “Take your time.” Billy stood between the two toilet stalls of the three that his sister and their friend was in. He crossed his arms, and he waited facing the sinks and the large mirror that covered nearly the entire wall. He sat a pair of eyes peek in and a soft voice ask. “Is this the girls’ room?” “I’m guarding it,” Cait heard the girl that was definitely younger and Billy. “I won’t let no one do anything bad to you. That toilet stall is free. You can close the door. No one is watching you.” The door next to Cait banged closed and she heard shifting of a lock and then it was quiet. It was too quiet. Ruth was on the other side of her. She should have made it easier, knowing her friend was there to help, but she couldn’t get her clampers in front to unclamp. Billy was outside the front, and as he said, he was the guardian. He wouldn’t let anything bad come and do anything. But he was a boy. Cait’s face heated up. He was a boy, watching the stall door for her like… she wasn’t sure what like. But he was outside. Suddenly, her pee pee didn’t even feel like it was pee pee anymore. It was fully quiet. “You’re gonna pee your pants… you’re gonna pee your pants… you’re gonna….” was all Cait heard like a first grader taunting her that it was going to happen, and she knew she couldn’t shut the ghost up, or force it out. It was just too quiet. No pee even tickled at the inside of her stomach. She just couldn’t go. Cait heard the toilets next to her, both Ruth and the other little kid had already gone, and she was just sitting there, failing again, and she was probably going to get the boy in trouble if she stayed there much longer, or maybe Ruth. She couldn’t do that. As soon as she thought she needed to get up, a little bit of a squirt hit the toilet. “Cait’s taking a bit.” “Maybe she’s pooping,” Billy told his little sister. “It takes a minute if you’re pooping. Just wash your hands.” “I am.” “I know you are because I told you to, and I’ll wash them for you if you don’t get ‘em clean.” “You don’t gotta do that. You know it.” Cait shifted her legs and tried to push again. A little squirt like that wasn’t going to do anything. She had to pee in the toilet. She felt her face scrunch up. She heard this kind of strange head noise from trying to force herself. She couldn’t describe it. It was just this… like stillness thing your head does when you are using all your might to push. But nothing came out. She started to shift her legs to get up. She squirted again. She was trapped. When she tried, it acted dry. When she went to get up, she squirted. What could she do? She’s gonna get her friends in trouble if they stay in there much longer. “Why don’t you just pee your pants?” Kookaberry asked. “You know Uncle-Daddy won’t mind. You know Ruth won’t mind. You know that Billy knows you went into the toilet. If you don’t finish, he’ll understand. He’ll know you’re scared. That’s why they brought you. You’re scared.” “Because she’s a baby,” the ghost countered. Chomp! “Ruth says you are not a baby. She knows you’re having trouble, and you didn’t even ask for Auntie’s hand to take you. You tried. You just can’t stop the owie from getting in the way. You’re sick.” Kookaberry’s head was against Cait’s heart, where the leash was shortened to make it be there. “Billy doesn’t know I’m sick,” Cait whispered to Kookaberry. Billy knocked on the stall. “Cait? If you’re sick, I’ll just send Ruth to get your Aunt and Uncle.” “You heard me whispering to Kookaberry?” Cait’s voice cut up so much that it took several breaths to get the question out. “Yeah, I heard you talking. Shall I send Ruth?” “No. It’s not that kind of sick. I… I can’t pee, Billy.” “Well, that’s okay. If you are sure you can’t pee right now, we can try later, okay? I don’t mind taking you again, Cait. I took Ruth. You took Ruth, too, so she’s going be more than happy to take you when you really know you gotta go.” Cait’s face got hot. “Um…. You… you’re okay taking Miss Pee Pants to the bathroom?” “No…,” Billy pushed the door open and saw Cait sitting there, her boy panties staring up at him. “I’m not okay taking Miss Pee Pants. I don’t know no Miss Pee Pants, Cait.” Cait looked up at him, trying to cover herself with her hands. “I know a Cait Kinsella.” “Weimer.” “What?” “My last name. It’s Weimer, not Kinsella.” “Whatever. I know a Cait. Cait is a beautiful little girl that makes my sister happy. Miss Pee Pants, I’ve never met her. Now, Cait sometimes pees her pants, but that doesn’t make her a Miss Pee Pants, and if you or anyone else makes fun of my sister’s best friend again, I’ll… I’ll tell on you. I don’t think your uncle wants you to talk like that.” Cait frowned up at him. “But… It’s….” “Don’t say it’s true, or else.” Cait looked down. “Now, if you pee your pants, it’s okay. You just tell Ruth or you tell your big friend, Billy… me… and we find your Uncle to help you. But don’t you dare call our beautiful little friend names. Got it, Missy?” Cait looked up at his face. It was all serious, except the corners of his mouth. They twitched like he wanted to smile. Ruth rushed in and helped Cait to her feet and started to pull her pants up. She felt Cait’s undies. “Ruth,” Billy frowned. “That’s not your concern. Pull her pants up. I know you just want her to be happy, but if you check her, she’s older than you. She’ll get scared and feel like she did something wrong. Let her be wet, if her underpants are wet.” “Oh, I didn’t mean….” “I know. You were going to ask if she should get some clean ones, but we’ll let Cait decide if she needs clean underpants. We don’t check her. She’s our friend. You are my little sister. I check you if I think you peed, but we don’t check Cait… especially because Cait is older than you.” “Okay.” Billy put an arm around his little sister. “You didn’t know. It’s okay. But bigger girls get shamed when younger girls who are supposed to be their friends seem to check to see if they went potty in their pants. Instead of checking, just ask her if she needs her big people. That’s the right way. If she says no, then forget what you saw, even if you think her panties were wet.” Cait heard him. He called her underwears panties. He didn’t say to Ruth that they were something they weren’t supposed to be. He called them panties. She pulled her skirt up and she looked up at him, her face burning. “Thank you.” “For what?” Billy asked confused. “For… for not making fun of my panties?” “Why would I do that, Cait? Their just clothes. And if… I said it and I meant it. I didn’t look. If… if you peed, it’s okay. Your Uncle or Aunt can take care of it. It’s not my place to check you or to say anything if I did accidentally look. But right now, I was looking at your eyes with tears in them. You are scared, Cait. That’s why you not peeing, and that’s okay. I don’t mind trying to take later, and in the mean time… if you wet your pants, just tell me so I can help you get to your big people, okay?” “Okay.” Chapter 58 Isolation; How It Feels Cait walked with Ruth taking her hand back down the aisle of seats to the left and right on the right walkway. She clenched her hands all the way down knowing she still had to pee, but knowing that at the moment, it wouldn’t go in the toilet. She was looking at the red-wine walkway on the floor. Her eyes tried to avoid the people to the left and right. “They all know you went into the hall out there, and the only reason to do that…,” the ghost didn’t have to finish the thought. It was true. There is no way anyone wouldn’t know why she left the seat, and a boy was holding her hand. Not like Uncle Sean or Daddy, no, a boy was holding her hand, but he was nice, and her heart tightened. If she needed leave her seat to use the bathroom, would they think she was talking to him? But what would they even say together? What are people thinking? At church. “Cait,” Kookaberry whispered. “What do you think people would think the boy was saying to you. Uncle Sean, you know what he’d tell nosy people, right?” Cait’s face burned. “Not everyone is like Uncle Sean,” the ghost whispered. “Maybe the boy told you to pee on purpose… in your pants… so he could… maybe….” “Maybe do what?” Kookaberry frowned at the ghost. Cait stood at the side of the seats that slid into Uncle and she looked up at Billy and then over at Ruth. “If you need your uncle,” Billy whispered. “Ruth will understand. You’re having a hard time. Ruthie knows you didn’t pee, Cait.” Cait shook her head. “Can… can I wet my pants if I sit by you?” she asked the others. “I mean, it’s okay if it comes out,” Billy whispered. “No one is going to bite if you pee, and I won’t mind if you wet your pants.” Ruth rubbed her back. “You’re my friend. If you can’t help it cause you scared, then you do whatever happened. Big brother will keep you safe.” “I… I get people wet,” Cait whispered. Billy took her arm and gently pushed one more step to the seats they were in, and he held her hand down the row past the other people on the end, two of them, and where they were sitting. The brother and sister now put Cait between them. “Did you pee in the toilet?” Billy asked his sister. Ruth blushed. “Why are asking me?” “Because, sis. I just want to know if you are both scared, or if only one of you is this nervous.” “I went in the toilet. I promise, okay?” “Okay, sis. Then we need to watch for Cait. If she looks like she starts, we try to take her before it spreads all over her dress and makes her embarrassed, okay?” “Okay.” Billy rubbed his thumb on her hand, on the back. “Cait, even if you are scared, and you feel yourself peeing, just do what I tell you, okay? Not because you have to, but because you don’t want anyone to see you peeing, okay?” “Okay. You can hide it?” “I’ll sure try, if you do what I tell you. I can’t if you don’t let me try, and if you feel it going, you whisper to me, Cait.” “I… I’ll…,” Cait looked down. “She’s too scared to say she’s peeing her pants,” Ruth whispered. “Well, I guess I would be too. So you and I watch her like a jelly on peanut butter,” Billy told his sister. If you see some pee between her legs or on her butt, you let me know, okay?” Billy leaned down to Cait, and he whispered. “Don’t think you’re the only one that’s ever peed out of nerves, Cait. Ruthie peed last year in class when they had a test that she knew was really big. She didn’t raise her hand even because she was sure the teacher would say no.” Ruth’s face got red. “Yeah. And Billy did it like two years ago, when the teacher was counting heads for a fire or something, right?” Billy nodded. “We’re not telling just anyone on each other. We’re letting you understand, if you get scared and pee your pants, that’s just being human, Cait. You don’t have to hide it from Ruthie or me.” Cait looked up at him. Her eyes hurt and she rubbed them. She started to put her thumb at the corner of her mouth, but she moved her hand back down when she realized what she was doing, Only Billy caught her elbow. “You’re scared, right?” He whispered. Cait felt tears in her eyes. “Everyone thinks I went to the bathroom. They’re gonna laugh when I pee.” “Not near us, they won’t,” Billy whispered to her. He pushed her elbow until her thumb was near her mouth again. “No one around us is going to say anything about our friend, or make you feel bad. If you are scared of our church, that’s because she should do something.” “I don’t know what you can do,” Cait whispered. “All churches are scary. You not supposed to talk in the meeting.” “Well…, we’re talking, aren’t we? And no one cares as long as we whisper. They just see three kids that don’t know no better, and I prefer them to think I don’t know no better than see my sister or my sister’s best friend feel abandoned when you’re scared.” “What means a-band-on?” “It means, being alone. And I won’t leave you to feel alone, Cait. Ruthie, too. We both want you to know you are our friend, and Jesus wants you to know, he’s your friend.” “How you know what Jesus wants?” Cait leaned against Billy with her thumb in her mouth. “Because….” He seemed to think on it before he suddenly kissed her cheek. “Because he said let the children come to me. And He holds little kids.” “You never seen it.” “It’s in the Bible.” Cait looked down. Not in Daddy-Dan’s version. In Daddy-Dan’s version…: “Cait! You pissed your pants again? At church? Jesus is very mad at you.” “I didn’t mean it.” “You never mean it, and yet, here you are. He’d grab my belt himself, if he were present. You know that, right?” Cait felt her eyes tearing up. Billy pulled her into his lap. “It’s okay, little sister.” Cait felt a little pre-pee. “What would Daddy say if he knew a boy was holding you in his lap?” the ghost asked. “Daddy’s not here,” Kookaberry whispered. “Uncle Sean knows. He’s right behind you, and he’s letting it happen. That means it’s okay.” “Uncle Sean doesn’t use a belt.” “Uncle Sean also tells her big sisters that the work they doing is too big for little girls, and that so called Daddy can’t stop Uncle Sean from letting the girls make a game of the work, can he?” The ghost froze. “This is a new church, Cait. It’s not Daddy Dan’s church. It’s new rules, where you are allowed to put your thumb in your mouth, and let a boy you like hold you.” Cait slowly closed her eyes. A gentle peace settled in her legs and her arms. Billy was still rubbing her hand with his thumb. Ruth scooted closer, leaned her head on Billy and put her thumb in her mouth, too, and she relaxed. Cait felt her head against her back, because Billy had Cait turned sideways in the seat and he was whispering. “You are so loved, Cait. Jesus loves you, your uncle and aunt love you, Ruthie loves you….” The ghost whispered. “Billy loves you.” Cait didn’t take the bait. Besides, if Billy did, why was that wrong? Cait rested, a hand slipped out of Billy’s holding on and reached around behind her to find Ruth’s lap. “I love you, Ruthie,” Cait whispered. “I love you, too,” Ruthie whispered. “And Big brother won’t say it cause it’s not cool for a boy to sort of like a girl, but… he doesn’t hate you, too.” Cait whispered. “I know. He feels safe.” More pre-pee went in her underwears. “I don’t want to get you two in trouble. I’ll just wait until Sunday School to try again. I think my body will wait. I have to wait like this at school all the time. No can take you to the bathroom at school.” Billy rubbed her back. “Okay, but if I feel you leaking, we go when I tell you.” “Okay,” Cait whispered back. Cait looked up at his face, as he held her, and she smiled. He was still holding her. He kept glancing at her, probably checking on her like in the bathroom, to make sure she wasn’t crying. That would tell him she was peeing, if she was crying, only, Cait didn’t think he was just looking for crying or even for pee. There was something else. He kept her there, and when they looked at each other, they smiled. There wasn’t the concern look like are you ready to pee. It was always happy, like I got you, and you can stay. It felt good to get to stay. Some more wet released into the underwears, this time, a longer stream. Cait had to go. “Billy? I’m gonna pee my pants,” Cait whispered around her thumb. “Do you mean you want to right here, or you are scared it’s coming out?” “I… I think’s going to come out.” Billy nodded. “Ruth, stay here. Watch the clock. After ten minutes come and get us if we aren’t back. That will give her body time to try to go away from other people.” Ruth nodded. “Okay. But make sure she walks with her legs partly apart.” “Why?” “So if she wets a little pit, it goes on the floor and doesn’t wet her dress.” “Oh,” Billy’s face got red. “I mean. Yeah. I… okay.” Billy saw Cait holding her side. “Come on, Cait. Just get to the hall. You can pee your pants out there. Not here. Not with the Su-um-itches over there looking. Let’s at least do it where they don’t see it, okay?” Cait nodded and let Billy hold her. “Ruth made sense, Cait. Try to walk with your legs further apart.” “That will make me pee,” Cait whispered. “Better directly to the floor than on your dress where people will see. No one will know you peed on the floor if your dress isn’t wet.” “You don’t care if I’m peeing?” “Oh, I care. I care that you’re sad and scared, but if they see it, you’ll be more sad and scared. I’d rather you pee more on the floor and no one knows you did it, than for it to get on your dress and you get scared and made fun of by mean people that don’t get it.” “Okay.” Cait tried to walk a little more far-foot apart, but it started to let her panties get more and more wet. They got into the bathroom. “Are you okay, Cait?” “Yeah.” “Okay, It’s okay. Nothing shows.” “What do you mean?” “Just go in the toilet before you pee your pants, little sis. I’ll tell you after, okay?” “Okay.” She felt more pee drizzle into her underwears, but Billy was holding the door open and nodding at the toilet like he didn’t see if she was leaking or not. Cait got on the toilet, and she looked down at her underwears. They definitely wet on the floor. Billy’s lying. She did pee somewhere, and he saw it. “Shut up, ghost,” Kookiberry whispered. “He wouldn’t lie to her, not without a reason. He is trying to help.” “Her underwears are wet.” “Yes, but that doesn’t mean he saw her do it, or where it went on the floor,” Kookaberry told the ghost. “He said that he’ll tell her after. He knows.” Cait tried to push past the noise in her head, pressed down against the head-static, was the only thing she could think to call it. The head-static was this weird high pitched down between her ears. It got stronger the more she tried to block out the ghost and Kookaberry and trying to make her body pee. It clamped down again. Cait started to cry. “I’m tell my sister you’re in the girls’ bathroom again,” a little kid’s voice cut through the air while Cait shivered. “You do that, and you tell her I’ll watch the bathroom as long as my sister is going, because that devil doesn’t get to make her wet her pants!” After she left, he opened the stall door and he saw Cait crying. “You’re undies wet?” he asked. Cait nodded, her eyes so full of water, she couldn’t really see him. He felt her heart as though it had ice water dumped on it. Now this boy that had been trying to help her all this time, knew she peed her panties. “Hey,” Billy whispered. “It’s okay. Stand up and fix your dress. Let’s see how bad, okay?” Cait still had to pee, but it wouldn’t get out. “I’m still gonna pee.” “You want me to leave a moment and let you try again?” Cait could just make out his face through the blurry tears. “No. Stay. I need help. My panties are wet.” “I should probably get your Auntie.” “She won’t be mad, but getting her means other kids will know I peed. Don’t?” “Okay. What do I do?” “Just stay in the bathroom and tell me to wash my hands when I come out, like you do Ruth, in case someone comes in? Be my big brother?” “Okay. But as your big brother, I need to shut the stall and let you fix your clothes, okay? Don’t be scared about the pee on the floor. No one really knows you did it.” “Okay.” Billy walked her back to the seats and he let her sit between him and Ruth again. He whispered to Ruth. “Be nice. She’s wet her panties… a lot… so she’s sad. Let her know how much you love her, okay? But don’t touch her butt. We’re trying not to let the wet show on her dress.” “Um… Billy?” Ruth looked up at him, seriously. “Yeah?” “You had her sit down.” “Yeah?” “If her panties were that wet, it’s going to get on her dress.” “What… what do you mean?” “I always lift my dress out from under me when I sit after peeing on my panties. She’s sitting on her dress, Billy! She’s going to be wet.” “Oh, dang it. What do we do?” “You don’t take her the rest of the main meeting. We go in late to Sunday School, and you walk behind her until she sits, so no one sees her butt. I hold her hand.” “Okay.” “You hear us, Cait. If it comes out in the seat right now, it’s okay. But don’t move. You stay here even if you pee your pants until everyone leaves the room. Billy and I help you to Sunday school.” “Okay. But it still wants to come out. I don’t know why I can’t pee in the toilet. It’s so… so… mad-making!” “I get it. I do that in my pants sometimes, too, when the Su-um-itches are being mean to me, and sometimes at school if I feel like they are making me hurry. You’re not the only one that’s felt like that or wet because of it.” “Okay.” Cait didn’t want to wet her dress though. The Kinsellas bought it special for her, for church. She had to somehow not wet it, and hope the underwears didn’t make it wet. She knew though, as she shifted her bottom, that her dress was wet. She sighed and pressed her knees together trying not to let any more come out. She couldn’t be a baby and ruin something the Kinsellas gave her out of love and accepting her. Somehow, the time slowly crawled until people were standing. Billy put a hand on Cait’s shoulder stay. Even if you pee, little sis. We don’t move until all the kids are out of the room, that way, no one sees pee on your dress, okay?” Cait felt her face get heater-hot-red, but she nodded and even leaked a little bit while she waited for ‘big brother’ to say it was safe. “Are you going to come to Sunday school?” Billy asked. “You’ll be there?” “Yeah. We’re in the same class.” “You sitting with me.” “I’m not supposed to, but you can sit with Ruth. They have a fifth grade table, but you are Ruth’s guest today, so they will let you sit with her.” “Okay. At the fourth graders?” “Yeah. And I’ll be there. I won’t let anyone be mean.” “Okay.” “Billy?” “Yeah, Cait?” Cait was watching the other kids leave the room and the adults were gathering closer to the front. Sean was waiting by the three children. “What if I pee in Sunday School? What if everyone sees?” “If you do it quietly in your panties and no one sees, just stay in your seat. I’ll walk you out after everyone leaves. If you have an accident that everyone sees, then no matter what the rules are, I leave my table and come to you, and I either hold you through Sunday school or I take you to find your big people. Your choice.” “Okay. I’ll go to Sunday School.” Chapter 59 The Quiet Table As they walked through the hallway, Billy stopped his little sister. “Ruth. A quick word before we go in?” “Yeah?” “I know it’s a lie, and you don’t have to say nothing. Don’t lie with me, but just don’t say nothing. The teacher expects me as the big brother to say what happened. You don’t have to tell, okay?” Ruth frowned. “But you want to protect Cait?” “Yeah?” “Well, I’m going to ask your permission. But if you say no… Everyone will know Cait had to pee if I don’t say this.” Ruth put her hands on her hips. “You gonna say I peed my panties?” “No! Why would I do that? No. What I was going to do though, is say you wanted to go to the bathroom, so I insisted Cait and I wait for you. Cait because she doesn’t know the way, and me, because I’m being your big brother waiting to tell you to wash your hands.” “Oh, well, that’s….” “No,” Cait looked at Billy. “Don’t tell the teacher that Ruth was bad. I peed my pants. Tell her I peed my pants. Don’t tell her Ruth was late on purpose.” Ruth took Cait’s hand. “He wouldn’t get me in trouble, Cait. It’s not bad at church to go to the bathroom on the way to class, and to sometimes need an older brother or sister with you. It’s normal. He just didn’t want me to feel like he was blaming me being late. He wanted to make sure I knew what would happen if we don’t lie. He knows I hate lying in Sunday School. But this time… it’s… it’s the right thing to do. You don’t deserve people to look at your wet bottom.” She grabbed Cait’s hand. “You better not tell anyone my friend Cait wet her pants, or else… I… I won’t be your friend no more,” and she put her thumb in her mouth. “I don’t care you peed, but I care other kids make fun of you peed.” Billy nods. “Exactly. The heart, the person, that’s what matters. Not what sick does to you.” “You’re sure you’re ready to help me lie this time, sis? Even if you stay quiet, it’s still helping me lie.” “I don’t see a lie, except about who peed,” Ruth frowned around her mouth. “I don’t care if they think I used the toilet. Let them think what they want. I don’t think Jesus said to never lie. Grownups do it all the time, like when Daddy tells mommy she’s beautiful even when he knows that dress is ugly on her. Jesus says be kind. I don’t think he cares about lying assept when it hurts people.” “That’s what I keep telling you, Ruth? You finally understand!” “Well, you do sometimes lie to hide bad stuff. That’s not the same.” “You got me on that, Ruthie. I do sometimes lie if you or I break something, and that’s why mom always asks you if you know what happened. She knows you’ll tell if it’s important.” Billy walked behind Cait with Ruth holding Cait’s hand. He bent down to the two girls after they are seated. “If Cait panicks,” Billy whispers but he’s aware the fourth graders are listening. “Just rub her hand like this and tell her to breathe. Remember, she gets panic sometimes. She’s sick, little sis.” Billy winked at Ruth, and then Ruth… saying “Oh,” winked back. He then went to the sixth grade table. “You’re late. Is everything okay?” Mrs. Johnson asked. “Yeah, I just had to take Ruth to the bathroom and remind her about something.” “To wash her hands?” Melissa asked. Melissa was at the fifth grade table. “Your little sister is still too much of a baby to go by herself. My little sister told me all about you taking her before the main meeting was even over. You’re lying.” “He’s not lying,” Ruth stood up. “I pooped. It took a while.” She sat back down. “Ew, gross! You don’t have tell us details.” “You asked for it when you told everyone I was taking too long. So there.” Mrs. Johnson frowned at Melissa. “Melissa, we don’t need to know how long someone is in the bathroom, and Ruthie, it’s okay. Let’s just continue with the Woman at the well, from the sermon earlier. What did you kids hear?” Cait frowned. She didn’t hear any of it, and she didn’t think Billy or Ruth heard either because she kept bugging them. She squirmed a little. “Well,” Mrs. Johnson saw only Melissa’s hand raised. “How about we read about it in the Bible?” “Cait, do you have a Bible?” Mrs. Johnson asked. “No. I don’t read good. Daddy never gave me one.” “Well, Good at reading or not, everyone in this Sunday School Class gets a Bible to follow along, hon. Ruth, get you and Cait a Bible from the back. Does anyone else need one?” No one raised their hand. “You don’t have a Bible?” Cait asked Ruth. “I do. I always forget mine at home. Mrs. Johnson knows now. It’s the third Sunday in her class, and she said last week to just get a Bible from the back if I forget mine. She must have seen I was with you though, so knew I didn’t get one yet.” “Okay. But I wasn’t lying. I can’t read.” “I get stuck on those big words and those old ones, too. Don’t be scared.” And then Ruth went and got a Bible. While Ruth was getting Bibles for herself and Cait, the fifth grade table had whispers going on around it. Cait couldn’t hear them, but she saw the Melissa girl nod at her direction. “Leave it,” Cait thought she heard someone say, but she wasn’t sure what it meant because no one was going anywhere. “Now, let’s start reading about the woman and the well,” Mrs. Johnson smiled as she looked around the room. “Maybe Cait should read first,” Angela said aloud to some of the fifth graders looking at her sharply. “Well, we can let Cait read in time, but now, let’s start at the sixth grade table. Who would like to read first?” Mrs. Johnson whispered. Cait didn’t hear everything, but she heard Billy for sure. “Don’t pick on Cait or anyone that doesn’t usually read good,” he whispered to the other six graders. “My sister has a friend for the first time. I don’t want her to have to stand up, yet. And Don’t call on any of the fifth graders. I don’t trust them.” Cait glanced over and she saw Billy whispering to a tall thin kid who was reading. He smiled as he continued to read. Some wet slipped out into her panties gain. She’s a bad girl. He tries to take her potty, but she’s starting to wet herself gain, only this time, the drizzle isn’t stopping. It’s still going… for until… it does stop. Cait looked at the clock. The hand didn’t move. It felt longer than that. Her dress is wet. It’s heavy and it’s dripping on the floor. She feels some of it going down her legs. The tall sixth grader came to a point, and he looked over at the fourth graders. “Jamie,” he called on a boy with yellow hair and green eyes with freckles at the fourth grade table. “Hold on, Jamie. Let’s discuss these few lines first…,” Mrs. Johnson directs the class. “Talk to your tables about what you think the woman is thinking.” Cait saw the other fourth graders looking around and about, and then Cait frown. Jesus tells the woman that she was bad,” she frowned. “That what my daddy said.” Ruth frowned. “Jesus never says bad, though Cait?” “Jesus said you have five husband you now have a man who is not your husband.” “No,” Jamie frowned his finger on his chin. “Even if he said that, the Bible only makes known Jesus told her who he is. What is important, is he says he has a life that cannot die, for her.” Ruth nodded. “Jesus never said ever in the simple people, what is wrong. He always only said what the people know what happened, if they wrong.” “That’s right,” a girl with black hair. “Jesus knows if we do something, but he only mad when the leaders say we bad, they do bad. For those who do not know bad, he always has a gift to try again. He telled the woman that he has that is another chance her.” Cait was wrong again. She felt her underwears leaking against her legs and into the dress and into the chair. She was the one who knows that Jesus is mad at. “That’s right,” the ghost said. “You were bad. You said the woman bad, but the woman doesn’t pee her pants while she talks to him, and she doesn’t even know he’s the God. You are very bad.” Cait looked down, her face red. “Daddy says that,” she felt a tear run down her face. Ruth put an arm on Cait’s arm. “It’s okay, Cait,” she whispered. “Guys? Stop a minute,” Ruth says. Cait. She doesn’t understand. Let’s help her. Let’s not say why she’s wrong… Let’s show her. Can you?” Cait was shivering badly. Pee was just pouring in her pants now. She can only sit there, waiting for it to start. Ruth called to the sixth grade table. “Billy! She’s badly really scared! Help!” Billy stood up. The teacher started towards them, but Billy was faster. He bent down by her. The other fourth graders stared at Cait and Ruth in confusion. Billy took Cait’s hand. “It’s okay. We’ll go find your big people. You were really brave, Cait. You’re a good girl, you hear me? You’re a good girl, and your not Miss Pissy Pants!” “Billy!” the teacher looked like she was going to scold him. “Miss Johnson. I promise. I’ll explain the bad words. Cait. She needs this. I’m sorry.” He started to help her up. “Oh, and I thought it was Ruth pissing her pants over there,” Angela smirked at Melissa. “Not funny, Angela,” Melissa frowned. “She’s stupid! She can’t not only not read, but she can’t even get her Bible right!” Two fifth graders stood up and shook their head. “We can’t either.” And they walked over the Fourth grade table. “Guess we’re as stupid as Cait, Miss perfect.” Angela’s face froze as she saw her cousin walk with them to the fourth grade table. “But… you are the one that told me that Billy was….” “You’re picking on a kid that is younger than you, and you are picking on someone who can’t read, and you are picking on a girl that might be sick. You heard the fourth graders and the sixth grader telling the fourth graders she’s scared and sick. NOT cool!” Three other fifth graders stood up. “We are not that dumb, maybe,” one of the boys says. But there’s no room at the perfect table for us. We might ask the sixth graders to put up with thumb sucking fifth graders. One of the fifth graders going to the sixth grade table actually put his thumb in his mouth. “It’s not so bad, actually,” he said around it. Two more kids stand up, not sure if they want to ask the sixth graders for grace or if they want to go back to fourth grade, but they know one thing. They move to the wall, to the back of the class away from the perfect table. “We’re not perfect enough for that table.” Cait’s jaw dropped. Her dress is soaked. The rest of the pee is going in her pants, and the fourth grade table got three fifth graders that demoted themselves because that table was being called the table for a perfect person. Cait squatted down as she still peed, and then sat in her pee, crying. Ruth sat on her knees in the pee, and hugged her friend. Billy reached down and lifted Cait from the shoulders out of her puddle, and he whispered. “Not Miss Pissy Pants, Cait. You don’t sit there. You did nothing wrong.” He walked her over to the sixth grade table, and he sat and he put her in his lap. “If you stay, Cait, you stay with us. We sixth graders need someone to teach us courage like you have. You came in here… and you told me you’d pee, but you tried anyway. You are brave. That’s who you are, Cait!” When the lines were drawn, Kookaberry whispered to the ghost. “That’s what I been telling you. Isn’t it? At the end of the day, you only know Dan. And I only know Sean and Eiboline, but in the end, I also knew right from wrong, and what is normal. You are learning.” The ghost wasn’t visible. “Cait? If you sit in my lap the rest of Sunday School, you can finish peeing your pants, if you didn’t already, and I’ll help you read, and the sixth grade table won’t even care. They purposefully didn’t choose you to read next. I asked and they knew I had a reason, so that reader, right there, he called on a fourth grader that can read. I ask him not to choose a fifth grader for a reason.” “You asked them not to ask me to read?” “Yes. Because I think you can read. But not when you’re nervous, scared, and know your sickness will make you pee your pants soon. So I didn’t let them choose you today, not because they think I’m important, but because they are my friends, and they understand that I don’t separate people on purpose.” Chapter 60 The Woman At The Well? The Children at the Well The teacher stopped just feet from catching Cait. The kids started to back away from the perfect table, and Mrs. Johnson, stood there, feet from catching Cait, but instead watched Ruth go down with her, and then Cait saw the corners on the teacher’s face twitch as the fifth grade table splintered, the big boy came to help her to his table and put her in his lap, and still, he asked her. “You can stay or go, but if you stay, you stay right here and pee on me and let me help you read.” She heard him say it. He said she could read! She just couldn’t today because she was scared and he knew she was feeling sick and knew she was going to pee, and he didn’t want her to read when she’s sick and scared. He did care! The other fourth graders… maybe one or two stayed, but the others got up and went to find a fifth or a sixth grader’s lap at the sixth grade table, and those sixth graders, they rubbed fourth grade backs and whispered. “That’s why we’re in the same class. To catch you when you need help.” Ruth looked at Angela. “Are you too perfect to join the sixth graders, or even talk to the fifth graders by the wall? Because if you are, then you are the one that needs our love. I don’t know why you are sad like this. But this is church, and we help each other at church.” “Miss Sullaviche,” Mrs. Johnson frowned. “I think you are excused for today. Next Sunday, maybe think if you belong in the perfect classroom or not. If you do, we welcome you, but I don’t teach perfect kids. I’m not qualified. I’m not perfect. But if you understand that you don’t need to be perfect, then you are still welcome to learn.” She looked at the door, and Angela walked out. The kids at the back wall followed her out and the kids that stayed at the fourth grade table walked out. “Well, that lesson would have gone better,” Mrs. Johnson frowned. “How?” Melissa asked. “That lesson was perfect. Angela is always making fun of other kids in class when she’s here. You just met her, and look what she did on the first day you were here. That’s her all the time. Your lesson made us make a choice, and I think that’s a good thing, not that Cait didn’t help. If Cait hadn’t even been hear, it would have gone the way you wanted, but no one would have done anything different from they usually do.” Cait frowned. “I peed. I caused trouble. I didn’t….” Billy put his hand on her mouth and he whispered. “Listen Cait. Listen what is going on. You did, too, help. Your courage helped. You are a very good girl.” She looked down and drizzled in her panties again. She didn’t know why. It wasn’t stopping like it’s supposed to. “I peed my pants again,” Cait told Billy. “I know. And I don’t care, Cait. Now, you can read. You’re in my lap. No one will rush you. If you look for help, everyone will rush to help, but no one will tell you the word until you tell us to. You can read. Go on, you read what the fourth grader was going to read. We are here, and I’m holding you. You go ahead and pee your pants while you read. It’s okay.” Mrs. Johnson let Cait read with the help of the others, and after class, she stopped a few minutes early, they prayed, and then she brought out some peppermint candies. “I usually check homework and give people who do the assigned homework a piece of Candy,” she told Cait. “But today, you kids still in the room, you did something that no amount of homework will ever teach you. You were a community to the one person that needed help the most in the moment. And Remember, this, kids. Jesus said, if you do it for the least of your brothers, you do it for me!” Cait looked down. “They did it for me. Why I get candy? I made the trouble and stopped the lesson.” “No, Cait,” the teacher touched her red hair. “You were brave. You came in here sick, knowing you were scared, and that you might wet your pants, according to other kids, unless they lied…?” “No. I knew I was gonna. I… I been pre-peeing all in church and Billy tried to take me two times, but it wouldn’t come out. And it kept getting harder to not pre-pee in my underwears even though I tried to use the toilet. I couldn’t.” “My dad says she has something called a girl in a nea or something,” Billy said rubbing his head. “I heard him talking to mom about what the Kinsellas said.” “You heard wrong,” Ruth said. “They called it a Hurt no ya.” Mrs. Johnson frowned. “Well, whatever it is, you know it’s a sickness?” “Yeah. She needs surgery and everything. And she’s been peeing her pants for a week because the sick is getting really bad, and please don’t tell Angela and adults that will talk about her? She’s trying really hard, and well, you are the Sunday School teacher. You can make her feel better at Church, like you do when Ruth gets nervous and forgets her Bible or the last time she peed her pants in class that first day, remember?” Uncle Daddy Sean, Mr. Todd Henderson, and several sixth grader and fourth grader along with a couple of fifth grader parents came up because they were really late getting out. Mr. Henderson saw Cait still in his son’s lap, and he looked to Mrs. Johnson. The Pastor came in just behind and saw the puddle on the carpet under a chair and then the sixth grade boy holding the fifth grade girl. “I’m sorry, Pastor,” Mrs. Johnson frowned. “I lost control of the class. If you….” Melissa walked up to the Pastor. “Mrs. Johnson didn’t do anything wrong. She was teaching like normal. Someone at grade table five said something very outside the spirit, and Mrs. Johnson… being the perfect teacher… let us Understand Jesus and what he offered the woman at the well through our own way. And we don’t want Angela in the intermediate Sunday School no more. Not Mrs. Johnson, the kids don’t. We understand grace, but for her to get grace, she has to be really sorry she shamed a fourth grader….” “Fifth grader,” Billy corrected her. “Worse, a peer! She has to be really sorry she shamed a peer when that peer told us she can’t read, and we all heard Billy say she was sick and told Ruth to tell him if she got scared from being sick. Now, we know what that meant. She got so scared she peed. Can that Angela… well, her words don’t belong in our Sunday School until she stops being Miss Perfect in speech but not actions.” “I can have a talk with….” “No,” Billy frowned. “If she is allowed to come to class next week, none of the sixth graders will come. I don’t care if you are teaching. Not meaning disrespect to you… but fully meaning it to Angela. Not until she stops picking on my little sister, Cait. Cait is sick!” “I’m the one that peed my pants, on purpose, in Sunday school,” Cait said. “Don’t punish the others. I caused it.” “Damn it!” Billy clamped his hand over his mouth even as he heard himself say it. Mr. Henderson walked over and put a hand on his shoulder. “Explain, son.” Cait’s eyes narrowed. Billy was being asked to explain? He wasn’t getting it for cussing in front of the Pastor, the Sunday School teacher, and half a dozen witnesses at church? His dad was asking him to explain? “Cait already calls herself Miss Pissy Pants in private. She thinks everything is her fault! Something’s not right, Dad! And I… I couldn’t take it! No matter how many times I tell her she didn’t cause the Sunday school trouble, Angela did, she’s still sitting here and calling herself names in her own head! That’s… that’s not normal, dad!” Mr. Henderson frowned. “I’m sorry, Pastor. If this Angela is allowed to come to this class next week, we will not be letting Billy or Ruth come. That girl has been harsh with Ruth since they started coming in the summers. She’s so scared, she’d rather pee her pants than ask her mom to take her… Social isolation! I won’t have it. That child picks on sick kids? If you allow this, we will stop coming to Sunday service all together!” The parents started whispering. “I’ll talk to her parents,” the Pastor said. “I’ll see if we can find out why she’s being like this, but yes, if she can’t promise to be civil, she can sit with her parents or not come to Sunday School at all. The community matters more than a self righteous person. Besides, even didn’t Jesus himself over turn the money tables in the temples when he saw what happened. Jesus doesn’t want this spirit here.” The parents nodded in agreement. “And now, little troublemaker Cait,” Billy whispered to her with laughter in his voice. “You just made church safer for my sister. She’ll still need me to take her until she knows that it’s true, but you probably helped her not be the first sixth grader that has to pee her pants just to not get cornered in the bathroom for being different, and it all started because you said yes when she asked you to play at the park on Monday, last.”

Chapter 47 The Roaring Engine In the setting sun, the girls started playing tag while Sean sat in the grass out there with them, and watched. The sun created nice colors across the sky of orange, yellow, and red. The girls were being children. The babies threw hand fulls of loose hay they hadn’t gotten to the silo at their older sisters giggling. Cait walked up to Grainne. “I want to show you something.” “What?” “Just come, you’ll see.” Grainne frowned but followed her sister, and Cait led her right up to Sean’s side. “Uncle Daddy? I peed,” Cait told the whole yard loud enough all the sisters turned to look. Sean bent down and picked her up. “Now.” He lightly patted her wet bottom. Cait called down to Grainne. “I told you before. That he holds me when I pee.” The girls all stared at him like he was an alien, but not a scary one. Just one of wonder or one that had different rules or ideas than they did. “How come you’re holding her against you?” Clo asked. “She’s gonna get your shirt wet.” “That’s as it should be,” Sean whispered. The girls all as one, except Cait who held Uncle Sean’s neck though she shook a little, turned and looked in the direction of the house as they heard Daddy’s old pick up approaching. Cait had just peed her pants. What if Daddy did get mad that Sean let her pee her pants and was being gentle to her? The truck stopped in front of the field, and it wasn’t even half done. “Grainne! Clo! Get over here!” Sean put a hand on Grainne’s shoulder. “Don’t move until I say so, child.” Grainne looked up at him, shivering. Sean stepped forward as Dan got out of his truck. His boots hit the ground and Uncle Sean stared straight at him. “Dan?” “Sean?” “You’ve got little babies out here doing men’s work. Where are your help?” “I don’t have any help. They stopped working mid spring.” “Whatever your reasons are, your daughters haven’t see their little sister in a week. And they were working even while Cait was here.” “No doubt that little troublemaker slowed them….” “None of that. They were all working beautifully until the sun went down. And I was helping them.” “You were… what? I can’t pay you!” “Did I ask for payment?” Sean asked. “I simply said I was helping them. The difference between helping someone and doing a job, is with help, you don’t expect to get paid for it, do you?” Dan frowned. “I don’t want my daughters to learn that. The minute they learn that they can count on someone to take any pressure off them, is the minute they find out just how harsh the world is, only now, they are behind because they didn’t get the help they expected.” “Now. The world isn’t always pleasant,” Sean frowned. “But we are, family, aren’t we? Who can you count on, if not your family?” “The field isn’t done.” “Dan! Four people my size couldn’t have finished what I walked into.” “That’s because they’d been playing all week instead of working.” “Now,” Sean frowned. “That’s not what I saw. I saw two little kids nearly passing out in the heat, and working with hand tools, Dan! You realize there is a reason people don’t use those anymore!” “Little kids can’t use machines. Machines and kids don’t mix.” “Now. Little kids and machines don’t mix. You are not wrong. But little kids and working twelve hours in the field doesn’t mix either.” “Oh, so now you want to report me, do you?” “Did I say anything about reporting you?” “Your children need food, and you need to rest from your work in town,” Sean said starting to try to turn the confrontation towards needs at the moment. Cait looked at Uncle and rose her eyebrow. “Daddy has his reasons, perhaps, and I have no intent on reporting you for teaching your children to be self sufficient. But I think you should agree that all of your babies need a bath! The little ones helped put the hay in the silo.” “What? They can’t help! They’re too little!” “And yet, they loved the game of trying to be the one to stack the highest hay mound, did you pets?” Cait grinned knowing that was a loaded game, and that Uncle Sean taught them something more important, if her sisters were watching. Grainne had to have realized what Sean did. “Yeah, next time, I bet if the three little sisters worked together, we’d get more than the two big sisters!” Aoibhe smiled. “That wouldn’t be fair,” Cait put an arm around her. “Those two have to cut so they wouldn’t be stacking as long as us. Just because their arms are bigger doesn’t meet that they can cut and stack, too. Besides, if we all stack together, we all get two quarters.” “Two quarters?” Dan asked Cait. Cait looked down not wanting to look at Sean and cause a fight. “Grainne, get over here,” Dan didn’t even give her any moment or privacy. He called her over on the spot and he lifted the teenager’s skirt in front of everyone and check her panties. “They’re not wet. What was your excuse yesterday? You were working and didn’t get to the bathroom. So, what? You got to one today? So did you not work as much today, or did you lie yesterday.” Cait yelled at him. “You are just being a fucker!” “What did you say?” Dan glared at her. The other girls covered their mouths and Grainne shivered, but she stepped in front of Dan. “I’m the one that lied,” she told him but it was futile. Cait had crossed a line. “Is this what you do? You pretend to say you’ll help and maybe take her to a doctor, and you teach her to talk to her father like that?” Sean shook his head. “Cait. Say you’re sorry, pet. I told you about that.” Cait frowned. “Why’s Cait apologizing?” Grainne asked. “She’s kind of right! Why am I bad for wetting my pants yesterday to get my work done, but I’m bad this time for not wetting my pants and you saying we didn’t do enough?” “Besides, Grainne peed,” Clo said a little quieter. “Me, too. Uncle Sean just didn’t like us being in wet stuff, so sent the two little sisters to get us clean clothes.” “So, you two think that acting like Cait, you’ll just be sent away and not have to help the family? Is that it?” Dan asked both Clo and Grainne. “And what will you do when your sisters have no food because you decided you couldn’t help with stuff, and pottied your panties just to get out of it?” “Dad! Stop it!” Cait spoke out of turn again. “Cait!” Sean pulled her in a hug and lifted her up. “Cait! Stop. This is an adult fight, not a child’s place. You and your sisters go, now. Go get baths… All of you. Now.” “This is my house, Sean. Mine! You were not given control over the other girls. Only Cait.” “I am not taking control of your house, Dan. I’m protecting YOU from making a terrible mistake that could take your whole world away from you.” “What do you mean? You come here uninvited, urge my kids to play and to piss their pants, and you are protecting me?” “You are so afraid of everything, Dan. I’m not here to take anything from you. But if you hit those girls like you plan on doing right now, you can lose them, and what’s more, you can lose not only your family, but go to prison, too. I don’t want you to make that mistake. Let the girls go. We can duke it out if you want, but the girls go get clean, and you calm down before you address them.” Dan’s eyes eyed Sean seriously for a moment. It was hard to tell if he saw Sean’s muscles, though his own were not exactly small either, or if it was Sean’s logic about losing his family or his freedom, or what it was, but Dan sighed and opened his pack of cigarettes that were always in his shirt pocket. “Do as Sean says, kids. Go take a bath. Now. Before I do lose my temper!” Chapter 48 It’s Okay, Grainne Cait stood in the bathroom along with Clo while Grainne was bathing the two younger sisters. Uncle Sean and Daddy were talking downstairs, though there were some moments when Daddy got loud, so they knew the fight wasn’t over and that’s why Uncle Sean sent the kids away. “Daddy doesn’t like you peeing your pants,” Cait started. “We already know that,” Grainne said. “Yeah, you didn’t let me tell you why.” “Well, it’s not decent, is it?” Grainne narrowed her eyes at her sister. “It’s shameful in society.” “That’s not why Daddy hates it. It’s not the real reason. That’s what he uses to make us scared to do it. If no one else does it, and everyone else agrees with him that it’s gross, then we won’t have anyway to shut him off.” “Really?” Grainne asked. “So, what? You want us to go around pissing our pants at school like you?” “No. That’s just hurting you,” Cait said. “No. The only person it matters to, that will be affected if you do it in front of and you don’t say you are sorry, and you just tell him like the grass is green that you did it, you know you did it, and you not sorry…. He can’t prove you did it on purpose, but he can’t prove you didn’t, too. You can tell him… you have the belt, but you hit anyways. I don’t scared of your stupid belt because no matter what happens, you use it. But I choose why you use it. It’s like sticking your tongue at him without doing it.” “Cait…. No. Don’t tell our little sisters to do that. He will hit them.” “He hits them anyway, though.” “Wait, he hasn’t hit them? Not when I was at home?” “He started getting on to Roisin on Monday because she peed on accident outside. He told you got sent to our cousins because there are two of them there and so to split your shame between, so they can both make you be good. They told us all that they have these great beasts with horns that kill kids, and he even showed us a picture of our cousin who died from one of those beasts.” Cait gulped. “But they’re not like that at all.” “Roislin sleeps on your old mattress until she stops peeing herself outside.” “So if she wets her pants on purpose, Daddy is scaring her?” “Not just scaring. He hits her, Cait. He hits all of us more. I get it if the sisters are not clean and if the farm work doesn’t get done. Clo gets it if she has an accident because the house toilet is too far away, and pulling our pants down outside is… well… we didn’t want to change our pants earlier because… and that’s the real reason I couldn’t clean myself up, Cait. I was too nervous. What if Daddy came and checked on us while we were getting into clean clothes?” “He’s gonna hit you anyway, Grainne.” Cait looked her in the eyes. “If Clo doesn’t tell daddy you changed, even if he hits you, he has no why for it. You know that.” Cait patted Grainne’s back and looked at Clo. “Auntie-grandma taught me. She said. You don’t have to tell everything. You don’t have to say stuff, Clo. You make him find out because he wants to check and he wants you to lie anyway. But you make him look, and you make him work for why.” “What good’s that doing?” Clo asked her hands on her hips for a moment resting from washing Aoibhe’s hair. “Because if he doesn’t find wet clothes or any proof you peed, he knows he’s wrong even if he hits you for it. He has to tell you the real reason he hits, and if you find out the real reason, he might be scared you know it.” “Daddy doesn’t get scared,” Grainne told Cait. “He’s in charge of everything. You know what he’s like.” “I do,” I whispered. “But I am learning normal, too. Uncle Sean? Picking me up when I peed my pants? That normal stuff, Grainne. Parents apposed to ask you why you peed and find out how you got in trouble to pee so they help you, not so they can tell everyone you bad.” “But Uncle Sean patted your gross.” “Uncle Sean was keeping me calm.” “Keeping you calm?” “In case I start to get scared, Grainne. He working hard to tell me that it doesn’t be my fault about even poop in my underwears, and he trying for me to see a doctor. The doctor says it doesn’t my fault, too.” “He does?” Cait touched her sister’s butt. “When Sean checks me, he doesn’t just pull my skirt up looking for me being dirty. At his place, I wear pants anyway because easier to be outside and stuff and I get water with Auntie.” “You can’t wear pants! You’re a girl.” “I don’t care. God didn’t invent close, Grainne. That first thing Uncle taught me. God doesn’t mind what we wear, only what we feeling.” Clo whispered. “But Cait, if you wear boy stuff, people will say you’re weird.” “They say it anyway, don’t they? Daddy tells them that I do potties in my pants, and school already knows it, so why I am scared of that word? Sean lets me be weird, and it’s safe to be weird by my own choice. Want to see?” “See what?” Clo asked. Cait took down her skirt and showed she was in boy underpants. “They put those on you?” “Daddy forgot to leave my clothes after I already peed before he left. He didn’t care. They don’t have clothes my size for girls, but they have these others.” “So they put those on you!” Clo frowned. “Not this ones. This ones, I chose at store. It’s safer to wear. I don’t pee my pants as fast with it on. I can have stronger pre-pees, and it doesn’t count cause no one sees. And I can get into the bathroom.” “You aren’t supposed to move when you pee, Cait!” “Daddy’s rules, not Uncle and Auntie’s rules. Uncle says I do what Cait feels is feel good. And Auntie showed me to make the stains go away. She says stains can just-appear, but feelings can’t.” Grainne shook her head. “Well, you better remember before you come back or Daddy will be mad. If you come back and you turn eleven and you pee at school, or you move while peeing when you should be in bed….” “I know,” Cait frowned. “But I also know.” “What’s that mean?” Clo asked her head tilted at me. “I know that daddy will be mad, but I know I get to choose why he mad. It’s not if he will be mad, but what he mad about, and if I can don’t care he mad.” “So, you peed outside just because?” Roisin asked. “Not just because,” Cait frowned at her little sister. “I peed to prove that Uncle Sean doesn’t care I peed, and he even said me that I am allowed.” “He didn’t say you were allowed to do it on purpose, Cait,” Clo tried to correct me. “You watch next time I look up at him and then down at my pants before I start pee what he does. He knows if I choose to pee or I don’t.” “Don’t,” Grainne whispered. “He might not do nothing, but Daddy’s home. I don’t want Daddy to catch you.” “Cait? If Daddy catches you peeing in front of him with a look at Uncle like it’s planned? Dad will hit Grainne,” Clo started to wash the little sisters again. “I guess that why Uncle told me to careful what to tell you is best doing it. But Grainne, you can’t hold it when you farming. Doctor said I got inspection or something from doing it, and he said it can kill you. You can’t hold it no more in the farm. You gotta decide, I change my wet pants after I pee, or I sneak somewhere and pee where no one can see. You can’t hold it. You too, Clo.” They looked at each other. “Cait…. Daddy wouldn’t kill us.” Cait put her thumb in her mouth and sighed deeply. “Cait…,” Grainne whispered. “If I tell the little ones to pee their pants, Dad will hit someone.” “He will hit the little sister and Grainne both,” Clo told Cait. He does it when Roisin accidentally pees, especially if she does it in the house.” Grainne put her hand up to Clo. “I don’t care if he hits me, I can take it. Roisin is still a baby.” “Hey! I’m not neither, too. I just can’t stop it going.” Cait bent down by the tub. “You’re not a baby, Roisin. You’re still little though. That’s what Grainne means. You shouldn’t get hit like that. It hurts bad.” Roisin sucked her thumb. Cait looked up at Grainne. “Did I make you get hit when I peed in more than one place when it happened?” Grainne’s jaw moved back and forth, but she didn’t say anything. “Oh, my God, he did! He hit you and you never even told me! He never did it where I saw!” “I’m the big sister. He left the belt by the tub. He knew I didn’t use it on you, so he said I’m going to get it if I don’t use it.” “You never did, though.” “Just because it’s there doesn’t mean I should. Besides, I don’t even like touching it to move it. But if you remember, I moved it sometimes because you stepped awkward by it, and almost slipped when you get out the tub, so I moved it away until you got away from the tub and put it back.” “You… you didn’t like touching it, but you touched it protect me?” “I’m your big sister. You already upset I have to bathe you because you did it again. And I know you scared Daddy is mad. I’m not going to let it make you slip and fall.” “Well, how come you get to protect me from the belt that can’t do nothing without Daddy’s hand, but you don’t let me protect you by telling you how not to hurt more?” “Cait…. You mean well, but you’re still a little kid. You…. Maybe you are right and I shouldn’t hold it out there. I know my body wants to go, but Cait…. If I start peeing my pants, our sisters won’t have someone strong to hold them and protect them when they need me. I have to hold it to show I’m strong enough to carry them.” “Grainne. We all love you. You don’t gotta be perfect for us to think you are the oldest. You allowed to poop your pants. You don’t think I still look up to you even if that happened? You don’t think Aoibhe still sees her big sister, but she just pooped her pants once? You don’t gotta be perfect, Grainne. We love you, and we know, deep down, you are stopping Daddy hitting us or we’d get it more than we do. We know it, Grainne. Right Clo?” “She’s not wrong, Grainne. I saw you trying to work while it was going in your pants. I wanted to do something, but I didn’t know what to do. I can’t tell you what to do. You’re the big sister, but I knew you were going to poop your pants before you did it.” Aoibhe reached up at Grainne. “Grainne pooped her pants. But you still don’t let the belt hit Roisin, and you still don’t let Daddy even see me if he mad. You get in front of him if he ask where I at, but he smell like that big people stuff.” “Yeah. You’re allowed to pee your pants if it hurts, Grainne,” Roisin looked up at her with tears in her eyes. “I wouldn’t disobey you just cause you got pee pee in your panties, and I wouldn’t tell no body nothing about especially Daddy.” Grainne took a deep breath. “Grainne? I’ll pee my pants if it helps,” Clo told her. “You’re supposed to be the oldest. If all the little sisters do it, then the oldest is allowed. You’re still being told to do everything, and you are doing things while you are potty dancing all the time. I hate it when you potty dance. It scares me when you are potty dancing. I’m afraid Daddy will walk in and see. If you just… got it over with, especially without Daddy there, I wouldn’t feel as scared.” “Cait?” a small quiet whisper drew my eyes to the toilet, the ghost sitting on it. “If Grainne gets caught peeing her pants, your Dad might take her status of big sister away. How do you answer that?” “Daddy doesn’t have control over her being our big sister,” Cait whispered. “What?” Grainne asked as though she heard me respond to Ghost. “I said,” I cleared my throat. “Whatever Daddy says, even if he were to put you in diapers and try to tell us you are the baby, he doesn’t have control on the way we see you. He doesn’t tell us what to think, Grainne. We know you are the big sister.” “Cait’s right,” Clo frowned. “But Cait. Why did you say that?” “Because if Daddy caught Grainne peeing her pants, and then he might try to say she lost her big girl status and make you be the older, Clo. But that’s wrong. You know it.” “Daddy would, too,” Clo frowned. “So, no matter what Daddy says, little sisters, to protect yourself, you call her what Daddy wants in front of Daddy, when when Daddy isn’t here, which is like all day, we still obey Grainne, right?” “Yeah,” Roisin pulled her thumb out. “Besides, how can I change my own panties? I never been allowed. Grainne changes me, and I like it when she does.” “Cait?” Roisin looked down. “What if Daddy told Grainne she’s not allowed to change me no more?” “But Daddy’s not here,” I told her. “Daddy off in town all day, right?” “Um… yeah?” “And Daddy makes you sleep on my old mattress and makes you wet the bed now, right? You have the old rule, if you get up and he sees pee on the floor, you gonna get it?” “Yeah.” “Daddy doesn’t get to take Grainne away from you though, if you trust Grainne and Grainne keeps protecting you. You pee the mattress on purpose so Daddy doesn’t hit you, and then you cry and whine and run away and hide until he has to leave, then come out and let Grainne change you no matter what Daddy says. Grainne will, as long as you show her you need her.” Roisin looked up at Grainne. “Even if daddy said you can’t do it, you change me?” Grainne nodded. “Don’t listen to the ghost,” I told Roisin. “The Ghost is just scared. She’s real. She’s our feelings. She’s our knowing of Daddy and she doesn’t mean to be mean. She’s just scared. She’s our feelings.” “Ghost?” Grainne frowned at Cait. “Yes, Grainne. You know her, too. Even if you don’t see her, she whispers to you. She tells you you better not piss those panties. She tells you that Clo will get it if you let her wet her pants even though you know she’s crying from having to go. That’s the ghost talking. Daddy won’t know if you are quiet and don’t bring up if Clo pees or not. Daddy doesn’t aspect you or Clo to pee.” “Clo, get the little kids out of the tub and take them to the bedroom,” Grainne said her voice was quiet… more quiet than Grainne has ever been. Her eyes were looking at the floor. She was breathing heavy. Cait knew the ghost was testing her even now. “Please, Clo?” Cait asked trying to show that she respects her as being older, but still asking for space. “It’s not that you can’t hear what we say, but the little girls…. They not ready for some of it.” Clo looked to Grainne. Grainne’s watery eyes looked up at Clo. “I’m not excluding you, Clo. I’ll tell you everything. It’s just…. Cait’s right. I have to talk to her, and you should know this too, but the little ones… they are little.” “Okay. I understand. You are trusting me to protect them so you and Cait can talk?” “Exactly,” Grainne hugged her. “You… if I didn’t have you to help me, I honestly couldn’t do all this by myself. You must know that, Clo.” Clo looked up at Grainne with wide eyes, as if, Grainne just shared something she didn’t expect. “Grainne is right, though,” Cait whispered to Clo. “Grainne is very strong, but she would have fallen a long time ago had you not been helping her.” “What do you know, Cait?” “Can we please talk about what I know of it later? We’ll scared the little sisters….” Clo huffed. “Okay. But you’re still going to explain to me what you think you know later.” Cait shrugged. “Already planned to.” Grainne frowned as the door close and then she sat on the floor and pee spluttered, drizzled, and then flooded from between her legs. Cait sat in her wet lap even as she was still peeing and her butt touched the wet floor where pee spilled over even peeing against her skirt. She felt just like Sean. The pee was gross, and it was kind of warm but kind of not. It was her sister’s cry though for help. The warm ick was nothing. It was just a symbol of the ick inside. The part that mattered that Cait had to work on. Grainne’s body shuddered as Cait moved upon her sister’s lap better, though it made both the girls more wet because of the pee on the floor having soaked into Cait’s clothing. She didn’t care. He wrapped her legs around her big sister’s waist, and she laid her head on her shoulder. “Grainne? The ghost is talking right now, isn’t it? What’s it tell you?” Grainne was starting to shake, and she turned her face away from Cait trying to wipe at the tears that just kept coming out. “I’m so useless! I can’t even keep my own panties dry when I’m upset anymore! I’m so stupid!” Grainne’s arms tightened on Cait. “And I just peed on my little sister.” Cait held her tighter. “Ghost! Not helping! Go the fuck away!” Grainne looked up into Cait’s eyes. “You can’t say that word right now. Daddy is downstairs. He’ll hear….” “Get the fuck out of here, ghost! Grainne needs peace right now. Leave!” Cait turned back to Grainne. “You didn’t pee on me, Grainne. I chose to sit in your lap when you were peeing. I chose to love you. You don’t love someone by just hugging them when you’re happy. You hug them when they need it, and sometimes, that means while they are peeing. Sean hugs me every time I pee my pants, and even picks me up while I’m doing it. This is what Uncle Sean showed me. How’s it feel?” “I…,” Grainne was sniffling. “You can cry, Grainne. You’re my big sister, and you been protecting us all the time. Sometimes, you gotta cry, too. You can cry. It changes nothing. Even Auntie cried once, and let me hug her while she was crying.” Grainne looked up into Cait’s eyes for what felt like two big number ticks by the longer clock hand. Her eyes seemed to try to push past Cait’s pupils, like Grainne was trying to see something in her that she never saw before. Then Cait felt it again. More pee flooded her sister’s lap and peed on Cait. Cait held her tighter and whispered. “Go ahead, big sis. Pee your big girl panties. You are still my big sister.” Grainne started to really cry. Cait didn’t know how long they were there, holding each other, but Cait didn’t care. She laid her head on her sister’s shoulder, rubbed her back, and whispered. “The ghost is gone for now, big sister. You’re not stupid, and you know it. You’re not weak, and you know it. You’re definitely not useless. You hide the Snake or belt from Roisin when you bathe her. You get in front of Clo when you think she’s gonna pee her pants. You don’t even let Daddy see Aoibhe when he’s got heavy drink in him or he’s mad. You are the least useless person of this house, and you know it, big sis. It’s okay to pee your pants. It’s one little thing that’s finally showing you are human and not an alien, and that’s what makes you better. You are human, but you still protected us all.” Cait said all this over such a long time, she wondered why Daddy hadn’t come up and checked, and then she knew Sean was down there. Uncle Sean was still protecting her. Chapter 49 Will or Will Not There was a light knock at the door. “Grainne? Cait? The other two are down stairs. Uncle Sean says you two have to come down now.” “Grainne didn’t get a bath yet,” Cait called to Clo. “I don’t trust Daddy, we’re not opening the door right now.” “Cait, please. Now.” Just trust me, I really really need Grainne right now, and Grainne can’t come out. She’s naked.” Clo got closer to the door. “Cait? Uncle Sean says you have to come down, too. Now.” Cait frowned and looked at Grainne. “Daddy’s out there.” “Cait, that’s Clo’s voice, not Daddy’s.” “Grainne?” “Yeah?” “Uncle Sean never rushes me. But who always does?” “Daddy?” But that wasn’t a question like she didn’t know. Grainne is bigger and smarter than Cait. You cannot open that door.” Cait saw Grainne’s legs twitch and heard the sigh in her breath like she was preparing to face Daddy. “You hear me big sis? It looks like I peed on you and Daddy will hit me.” “No,” Grainne frowned. “He won’t. If we get the door right now…. The pee stayed in one place!” “Grainne? Trust me, he will try get Sean to hit me.” Grainne looked at Cait for several moments. Cait wasn’t sure before she jumped on her sister’s confusion. “Tell Daddy you’re naked helping me clean up because now I really do need to clean up, too, so we can do it together,” Cait whispered. Grainne held Cait tightly. “Daddy? Cait needs more time. I’m naked. I have to give her a bath.” “How the hell did they figure out I was out here?” Cait heard Daddy yell at Clo. “Daddy! You leave Clo alone! She didn’t do nothing. The ghost told me you out there!” The ghost wasn’t even around though. Cait lied. “Cait,” Grainne whispered. “Daddy doesn’t believe in make-believe-peoples. He won’t understand what you mean that the ghost told you.” “The ghost did tell me though.” I knew it was Daddy though. Sean? He doesn’t do it that way. He holds me even after I pee on his lap, and he holds me until I look up and I tell him I want to move now. Uncle Sean always has time. He never says now, to me. “Cait. I believe you, but how he can he think like a ghost told you? “Grainne, do you know how long passed?” “I don’t see a clock right now.” “But you good at time, right? Guess?” “Maybe half an hour?” “When does Daddy ever let you give us a bath for half an hour before coming in here?” Grainne rubbed her chin. Daddy doesn’t do other people’s timing well. He needs to see us when he thinks something happens. He knows Grainne peed her pants. Sean sent us and Grainne told him she pooped her pants. He wants to catch her in poopy panties. That’s how he is. He wants to show her what she did. And even if she didn’t know. He wants to catch me peeing on the floor. That’s why I knew he came up with Clo. “I guess that would be like Daddy,” Grainne answered. “It’s the ghost,” Cait told Grainne. “The ghost told me that time passed and that’s why it’s Daddy and not Sean.” And, I licked my lips. I know something else. If Uncle Sean wanted me, he wouldn’t send Clo to get me… especially if he was going to do something that would scare me, like suddenly not give me time. He took me to the hospital. He told me the medicine would hurt. He told me when we had to do it again. He didn’t let the doctor tell me. He told me. Uncle Sean tells me to do something. He would not send Clo where I have no way to know why I’m getting yelled to go out of the bathroom in peed in panties and probably almost naked. That’s not Uncle Sean! “Daddy? You hear me? If you don’t let Clo leave the door right now, I’m going to tell Uncle Sean your rule for me to pee the bed!” “What? Child, you know you do that yourself!” “I knew it!” Cait yelled though the door. “I caught you! Now you let Clo stomp down the stairs so I know she’s safe or else!” Time passed for a moment, and Cait got up and put warm water on a washrag, and soaked it and then sat down in her sister’s lap and then squeezed the sponge on purpose in front of her underwears under her skirt getting Grainne wet again. “If he breaks the door down, I peed on you,” Cait whispered to her. “Daddy wouldn’t hit me while Uncle is playing my Daddy. That’ll make Uncle mad and Daddy don’t want him mad.” Grainne looked at Cait shaking. “Grainne, pull together or whatever it is they say. You big sister. You babying me. I peed on you. You need Daddy to believe that. You need it for me. I have Uncle Sean. He won’t hit me for peeing on you. Daddy will hit you, if he thinks you peed.” “I did pee,” Grainne looked down at our laps. “You didn’t,” Cait insisted. “You did what you told. You making us take baths and taking care us first. You didn’t pee, you held it until we were done, but your body didn’t able, so it came out when I made you cry. You didn’t pee. Your body hurt too much not to do it. And Daddy doesn’t need to know it. Daddy just sees my pee on you, and that’s all he needs to see.” “Cait….” “Grainne! Why you think I sat my butt on the floor first and make it so the pee went directly on my underpants? Do you think I wanted to just sit in pee instead of your lap? I moved to your lap. Why I do that instead of right on your lap first? I didn’t miss!” “Getting me in trouble doesn’t make sense….” “My butt’s wet, and your crotch is wet from holding me. Who it looks like peed?” “Cait, no… Daddy will….” “Uncle Sean. Daddy told Uncle Sean is my Daddy this summer, and Uncle Sean decided that’s true. He decided the night when Daddy left and I had no girl panties to wear, and they had to put me in boy underwears because that all they have my size, and then he decided… I am his family.” “Do they make you do chores at their farm?” Grainne finally asked after she looked up at me with that way she does when she is not mad anymore, only this time, it wasn’t mad. It was the pee in her pants that made her shake. She had red eyes from crying. Her hair was everywhere like in her eyes and in her mouth, and it looked like she actually saw Cait’s ghost. Also, she smelled like pee and sweat and Cait, and her panties were showing where her skirt rode up from Cait trying calm her and adjusting in her lap to better comfort her—Those panties being like the ghost trying to tell on her by showing the whole bathroom, but right then, only Cait and Grainne were there. Grainne’s voice was raspy. It spoke of her deepest strong feeling, that Cait was being scared by noisy. Maybe even pushed by big animals that pushed her to the ground. Maybe even glaring at her with those eyes that have those horns. A single touch of a horn to Cait’s chest, well, even Grainne’s maybe, and poop would be filling panties. “Auntie asks me to get my share of water for the day to drink. That’s the only thing she has said is something she needs me to help all the time. But you know what? I love doing stuff with her. She lets me help, Grainne. I mean really help. She let me cut onions and taught me that next morning. She taught me I don’t have to have my mistakes out where people see. She helps me clean it up. So you can’t even tell the three times I peed my pants upstairs in their hallway, and none of the clothes they put on me has pee stains, and Uncle Sean just calls it water. He says it dirty water, but it is just water. You don’t drink it, but you don’t mind it… like rain!” The door slammed open, and then Cait hugged Grainne tight. “I didn’t mean to wet my pants in your lap! Don’t tell on me!” she pretended to cry, but she heard the lock break. She knew daddy just got in, and that little whining only happened right after Cait was telling her sister how good the Kinsellas were to her.’’ “Your sister just pissed on you?” Dan frowned at his eldest kid. “Why are you hugging that disgraceful….” “That is enough,” Uncle Sean just showed up before Daddy could finish. “One more word, Dan, and I won’t ask you politely for a power of attorney. I will be speaking with DHS. You understand. Cait’s not yours to shame right now. You made that clear. And if you shame her sisters while she’s here, I’ll see it as you still shaming the little miss. So, I suggest we go downstairs and let the two little girls finish their bath! Your kids or not, Grainne is too old for you to force your way into the bathroom on her without at least her permission. DHS will definitely want to know about that. Understand?” Dan frowned. “Well, at least keep your dirty butt off of your sisters if you’re going to pee your Goddamned pants!” and he turned and walked away. Whatever Deeashis meant, Daddy knew. Uncle-Daddy Sean knew. Crop-Daddy was scared of it. “I’m sorry, Cait-a-kins! You’re not washing up here where that man can shame you and watch you. Uncle Sean will just sit you in his lap, and we can be wet together, baby. Then when we go to a motel later, Auntie can clean you up.” I looked right at Crop-Daddy. “I want Uncle-Daddy to do it,” and I watched Crop-Daddy’s eyes narrow. “You never rush me and get mad, and you don’t have a belt by the tub to spank me before I get in the water!” “Cait!” Dan frowned. “Look, you can’t just not be punished for that! It’s going to hurt you when you start big kid school if we don’t do something about it!” “The doctor told us. I heard him. He said my stomach insides are not right. He said it makes water-poops and the same thing makes me pee. And he said I wait too much, and it making me sick. And you better not make Grainne. And you better not make Cho. And you better not make the little sisters get water-poops and hit them. You better not!” Sean picked Cait up and she put her thumb in her mouth. “Dan, I wasn’t lying. I am not asking you to sign all your parents rights away. I’m asking you to let me take her to see a doctor, and I’m asking that you give her time to heal before she gets home. The doctor is really scared and says she needs surgery.” “Surgery? You’re sure?” “Dan….” Sean started to carry the wet little Cait down stairs. He glanced back only a moment. “Clean yourself up, Darling,” he told Grainne. “You and Clo get clean. Right Dan?” Daddy looked over at Grainne’s soaked clothes, supposedly Cait’s doing, and then at Clo, and he sighed. “Clean Clo first. She did piss her pants. Look at her.” And then Dan walked down with Sean and Cait. “Here are the doctor’s notes that he could release. He said you can have the full file if you petition it. You as her parent have a right. And with Power of attorney, limited power of attorney, Dan….” Cait put her finger in her mouth. Daddy can penitishun for a file. There is a power of turning? There is a limit power? So there must be a full power? “Please, to help your child stop peeing her pants the right way for once, please sign it. She’s peeing on purpose because it hurts, Dan. Yes, I know she does it on purpose sometimes, but you have to ask yourself—ten years old and forcing herself to wet her pants…. She’s scared, you will spank her. She’s hurting… it’s too hard to hold it and it hurts. And she’s got the runs all the time. That’s not normal, Dan. You can’t be that stupid!” “Are you calling me stupid?” “No sir. I’m saying you are NOT that stupid. So I get the problem. You have five girls. Little money, and don’t know how to solve it. I’m the answer, Dan. She stays with me until December, and then we re-assess. If she’s better and doesn’t have the runs all the time, she can come back. If she’s still got the runs, then we let her heal where there is a resource for it.” “What means resserce?” Cait asked. “Later,” Sean rubbed her wet leg and nodded at Daddy. “We need to talk, little one. Quiet or I’ll have to make you get down and go play.” Dan looked up into Sean’s eyes, a beer in his hand but not drinking at the moment, and he took a heavy breath. “Sean…. Grainne pees her pants, like all the time. I’ve her the same as I do Cait, but she doesn’t stop. Do you think she needs to see a doctor, too?” “Probably, Dan.” “You prove to me you can fix Cait,” Dan whispered. “If Cait just stops shitting her pants, then I’ll let you help Grainne next. But you have to prove it. I’m not going to send all my girls away to you if I don’t see any reason to.” “That sounds fair, Dan, but we should at least find out a bit about how bad her wetting her pants is. If she’s hurt bad… she should see a doctor sooner.” “I need her for the farm, though.” “Dan. She won’t be able to work if she can’t stand. And I’ll tell you, it’s no fun leaving your child to die because there was something you could have done, but you didn’t know you could. You need to do something and make sure. I… I’ll give you money, Dan. Just to get her checked this time, if you want. I’ll give you money to get her checked. If the doctor tells you to do something, you do it.” “What about Roisin?” Cait asked. “She pees her pants in the day. She needs help.” “I’ll give you money to take both the girls just to get them checked, Dan. You get them checked. Can you do that?” “I can’t pay you back, Sean. I don’t know how I’ll ever repay you for Cait’s needed stuff.” “I don’t care about the money, Dan. Eiboline and I are not hurting for money. What we are hurting for, money can’t fix it, but Cait has been a great help to us. Maybe a little more time seeing family would be more than enough payment, with kids acting like kids and not scared to pee when it’s not their fault, maybe?” Cait saw the ghost, standing next to Roisin, and shaking its head. There was a sorrowful frown on the ghost’s face, and the ghost started peeing, only Roisin was peeing. Roisin put her finger in her mouth, and she started crying and the ghost faded. “Daddy? Roisin is scared. You can’t yell?” But Cait knew he was going to yell. She knew it with her whole feeling inside and the whole ghost that predicted it just as it was about to go. The ghost was still there. Daddy… he doesn’t change. Chapter 50 I Am Cait The ghost was floating over Grainne as Cait saw her sisters waving goodbye, her mom behind them, and Dan at Sean’s window. “I’ll take Grainne and Roisin first thing on Monday. That means Clo will have to try to do as much as she can by herself, though.” “Daddy?” Cait whispered holding Kookaberry tight in her arms. “Let Clo pee her pants. Please. Not because she wants to, but because she wants to do the work you asked her, and she wants to keep her panties on in the field like you want. And it’s impossible to both stay dry and not pull down your panties if you are outside for that long. Can please? Can she pee on purpose?” Dan sighed. “Fine. If the elder sisters are doing the work to help the family, then they have permission to just pee their pants, both of them.” “Okay. I want to hug you now.” Dan’s eyes did this kind of strange knit thing where his crossed eyes were not mad eyes, but just like… as if… Cait proved that little hand 4 and big hand 10 was actually the time 4:10 instead of 4: whatever it’s supposed to be. He walked over, and Cait opened the car door and she hugged him. She looked right at Grainne, and she said… “Pee your pants sometimes, for me, big sister. Don’t hold it when you outside, please?” Dan looked back at Grainne, and he sighed. “Go ahead, little darling. The belt disappeared anyway. I won’t be needing it for a while.” Cait looked down at the ground and saw where Daddy’s tires always ran over the same path in the yard. The grass was bent and brown there. There was more dirt showing. She didn’t know how it meant to her yet, but it felt like it was supposed to be there. She sighed and looked up at Daddy. “I’m wet. You don’t have to pick me up. I didn’t take a bath or change my wet underwears yet. You scared me too much. I had to come with Uncle Sean and make sure you didn’t hit Clo for leaving when I told you to tell her to away from the bathroom, and stomping so I heard her.” Dan frowned. “Well, can I hold you for a minute?” “Only if you don’t care I peed again in the living room and got it on Uncle, so I’m more wet than you think.” “I don’t think I mind. You girls come and hug your sister for real,” Dan hugged her and then even patted her wet butt. “It’s not that bad, I guess, that you pee. And when the doctor gets done, you can finally learn not to pee your pants, too.” “Yeah. Maybe.” “Grainne, did you hear, darling. Come and hug your sister. You might not see her again until Christmas. All you kids! Hug your sister!” Cait saw the ghost, clear as day. It stayed over Grainne until they were out of the proper-ately. And then the ghost slowly vanished from Cait’s eyes as Grainne became less visible. “Daddy?” Cait leaned up to the front. “Do you think the other Daddy will really let Clo pee and not be mean now he knows she doing it to not be lazy at the farm?” “Hon, I can’t tell you what your Daddy thinks. I will tell you this, he can’t dismiss what you said gives him what he wants.” “What that meets?” Cait asked. “Desimessit?” “What I mean, Cait, is your Daddy wants the elder girls to work on the farm. He wants them to take less breaks. And he wants them not to pull their panties down outside. I don’t understand the not pulling their pants down. There is no one around to see them if they do, but it is something he wants. You hit all those marks. The only thing he is giving up, is dry daughters. You made it better for him to accept your deal than to not accept it because he knows now, that the girls can’t wait like that.” “So… he going to let Clo pee her pants and not hit her?” “If he’s smart, he will. Grainne heard him make a promise to you, and Grainne can write, Cait. If you want to write her to ask how she’s doing, we can help you write. You can ask her if Daddy is hitting them when they are in the field or for what happens in the field.” “You write it down for me?” Cait asked. “No, sweetheart. You have to write it. We will help you. You can’t learn by people doing the things you want to do yourself for you all the time.” Cait sighed. “Okay. I can do it, if Daddy-Sean helps me.” The adults in the front looked at each other. “And Auntie-grandma,” Sean insisted. “Sometimes I have to work the farm, and this paper Dan gave us…, it’s not a done deal. I will be busy a lot, Cait-a-kins. I’ll need Auntie to help you, too.” “Okay. I love Auntie-grandma, too. It’s just… I’m allowed to pee my pants in your lap.” “No one said you can’t wet on Auntie’s lap,” Eiboline whispered. “But… it not the same, Auntie. You… I love you too much, and you… um… repectability is more. I repect to Uncle too, but Uncle is safe like I can pee and he just dirty wit me. But you… you teaching me like teacher. And you… I don’t want to wet against you. Am I bad?” “No, sweetheart. You are learning roles that work for you, and that’s okay.” “Rolls? Like gym class rolling or like dice rolling?” “Cait, you are learning that different people mean different things to you. It’s okay to love each person differently. That’s what you are supposed to do,” Auntie said. “But Cait, you can still pee on me if you need help and Uncle Sean’s not there. I’ll never get the belt for peeing in your pants or getting me wet.” “Okay.” They drove into town and after dinner with Cait still in wet panties, they finally went to a motel. “I’m sorry, love,” Sean told Cait. “I did mean to get you cleaned up sooner, but I wasn’t going to let your Daddy scare you there, and well, we just now got the chance. So we are staying the night here tonight, and we’ll go home tomorrow. You can take a bath by yourself if you want?” Cait frowned. “I want Daddy-Sean. I got poop in my underwears.” “Oh, okay. That’s smart of you to get help when you’ve got poop there, hon. It’s really hard for a Kid even your eldest sister’s age to clean up right.” “I know. I cleaned Grainne, well helped her. She didn’t let me wipe her. But she didn’t want me to touch, but she had to keep asking where it was and had to let me help at the last, and she hated it.” “That’s because she’s a teenager, hon. It feels different to be cleaned up as a little kid than as a teenager, and worse, when the person helping is someone you’re supposed to be helping.” “I know Grainne does a lot.” “Well, let’s get yo a bath, little one.” Cait smiled and reached up at Sean, Kookiberry in one of her hands as she held her arms up. “I gonna clean my panties out, Auntie. But I need help. You show me like you do the floor?” “Of course, sweetheart. After your bath.” As Eiboline started to dress Cait in her pajamas, Uncle now needing a bath because he hadn’t changed since Cait peed on him when they arrived at the farm, even. He’d been in her piss all day, and not said one word, and now he was showering while Eiboline helped Cait with her hair. “Help Auntie count,” Eiboline requested of Cait. “Remember, 100 strokes, but we count in Gaelic?” “Why Garlic?” “Because, sweetheart. It’s the roots of Auntie and Mama. It means we love you enough to teach you about your roots, too.” “Oh.” Cait clapped. “Okay. I’ll learn to count to one hundred in Garlic!” “Gaelic, sweetheart. And it’s okay. You’ll learn to say it right, in time.” She started counting and Cait relaxed against her. The counting was hippo-not-attack. It put Cait to sleep before they got to eighty. Over a small town in Missouri, dark fat clouds float slowly by far above the peace below. Most of the cars have returned to driveways, garages, and roadsides, to rest. Most of the buildings are mostly dark. There is hardly any movement. A lone dragon fly buzzes down near the farm and looks in a window here and there. Could it see Grainne, in a wet bed? Could it see Roisin doing what Cait told her to do, and pee the bed on purpose? Could it see Dan, looking in his closet for a new belt to put by the bathtub? Could it see Clo pulling her littlest sister tight and whispering her to sleep? The dragon fly flew off. The hours are moving, But the town is not paying attention. Not enough people are awake to care how fast time is working. Only the dragon fly moving over fields and looking in windows as it approaches the town, approaches the motel window, sees a little girl with her thumb in her mouth and bear in her elbow, surprised awake and looking around before looking down at her lap and the bed. “I peed the bed,” Cait whispered but her Auntie was still asleep. Auntie’s night dress was wet. Her butt was even wet. Cait made Auntie wet. She whispered. “Sorry.” She felt the bed between her legs. It was soggy. She let it all out. She peed. She sighed and scooted closer to Uncle Sean where the bed was dryer, and didn’t make a fuss. She just went back to sleep, putting an arm around his big heavy chest. Even in his sleep, his hand remembered Cait’s little hand, and it patted her tenderly and she closed her eyes. Chapter 51 A Cricket and a Dragon Fly Cait felt it as she woke. Her body was peeing again, and her leg was somehow caught between uncle’s legs, causing her pee to go right on him. He didn’t pull his leg away though. He just pulled her little body in close to him as she peed on him. And brushed her hair from her eyes. “Baby? Are you okay?” Cait didn’t mind Uncle calling her baby. She knew when HE said it, it never meant that she was being a five year old that wets the bed, or that she needs diapers or a bottle. He always said it when she was feeling most in need of a hug, and he hugged her and kissed her head like always. He didn’t say anything about why she needed him. She knew he knew though. “Did I pee again?” Cait asked. “Again?” Sean asked puzzled. “Last night, I woke up. I act a see dently peed and Auntie’s butt got wet. I scooted away to a dry place to sleep, and you held my hand and I went to sleep. But now, you’re wet, and I think I just felt it go a little bit.” “Cait? Remember what we said about pee and bad being together?” “It not no sense because you pee or you don’t pee. It’s not amount or how yellow that matters is, but how heart is feeling?” “Good girl. Now, if your heart is hurting, let me help it by saying I’m glad you felt safe enough to pee against me that you didn’t wake up and lose sleep over it. Let me also let you know, Auntie doesn’t mind. There’s a shower in the other room that works, and you’re not dirty, child.” The morning went quickly. “We need to get home today, Cait. Want to stop at McDonalds for breakfast?” Uncle Sean asked. “She’s not going anywhere until I wash her up. She’s going to be cleaned from any lingering shame from that man and that farm,” Eiboline put her foot down. “She wanted you to hold her last night and bathe her. I agree, she needed that. But this morning, we move past that, and Auntie bathes her not to just comfort, but to make her feel clean. That man… honestly… I’ll need a week of showers before I’ll feel clean of his presence.” “Now,” Sean’s favorite word. There was a chirping sound in the bathroom. Not a bird sound, but a sound… maybe a grasshopper? Six visions of a little girl, one on top, one on the bottom, two in the upper left and right and two in the lower bottom right. A vision held by one little bug in one little corner of the small bathroom. A taller woman whose brown hair was getting lighter in color by the day. It was magical, like it changed colors. Cait heard of a story once, of a girl that changed like that. But that was a magic story her third grade teacher once read to the class. It was called something like… A Spell for Cameon. She never understood why the title was Spell in it. They never did spell any words. Cait didn’t even understand that the book was called for Cameon, but the main Carrkter wasn’t even Cameon. It was a boy who tried to leave that magic place because everyone used magic on him, but he didn’t have his own to use back. And then the girl… she didn’t have magic she likes. In a month, she had like it is 8 days of very pretty but dumb like an Ox. Then 7 days she was normal. Then seven days she was smart like the grand Ajax principal of all schools but ugly like a big fat toad. Then she had eight more days of normal… no… that’ can’t be because then it normal again. It not exactly that. But she was pretty sometimes, smart sometimes, and normal sometimes, and she didn’t like it cause pretty is always dumb and smart is always ugly. Cait frowned. If only I was at least pretty even if I stupid… or if I was smart even if I am red hair, freckles and pizza face, and dirty poopy panties always? But no… I stinky, dumb, and all the worst. At least Cameon got away from the worst parts sometimes. Kookaberry whispered. “Cait! That’s Daddy. You are too little to know if you will be pretty and you are smart. Uncle says so. You can’t read paper, but you can read people. You can do numbers on paper or tell lines on a clock, but you know how to measure in sugar in eggs without some paper, and you know how times works that you get. You can even track time on a clock, even if you call it different. You not stupid. You just don’t think the way the teachers want, and they never told you how. It’s their fault.” Cait sucked her thumb for a moment, and then she popped it out and she whispered. “What if you did read the book at me again, the Spell for Cameon?” “If I can find it, Cait, we can read it together. Sounds like another library trip, to me.” Uncle seemed to hear her thinking out loud again, and he spoke a little louder so she’d hear. “I’d be happy to help you read it, Cait. I know you can do it, if you just have some help and the right person to take turns with you so you can see how it’s read as well as help you read it. Your mama should have been reading with you all this time, but I dare say Dan thought what Dan thought.” Cait frowned. She knew Uncle was avoiding saying words… words she wasn’t allowed to stay about herself. Uncle Sean wasn’t like Daddy. He told Cait she wasn’t allowed to say stupid and dirty about herself. Those were his bad words. He didn’t smack her butt or threaten soap in her mouth for saying fucker. It was like fucker is like stupid to him, and stupid was like fuck! That’s the way Uncle made it seem. Chapter 52 A Foal, Foal, Foal for You Cait was laid out across the back seat, the bear in her arms, one leg off the seat and the other leg down the back crease of it. Her head just near one door. She was breathing heavy and she had a full tummy of McDonalds pancakes, a peaceful mind that she was heading home, and hope that her big sisters were not going to be punished for working the field and scared of peeing in their pants while they do it. Cait didn’t dream. A black bird left the roof of McDonalds, and it flew up into the sky. It followed the car along the streets and out to the highway. It was a smooth driving vehicle, the tires on is rolling along the road as it should. It joined thousands of cars that could be seen the further up in the sky the bird flew. Then the bird disappeared. The first time on this road towards West-Con-sen, Cait was wearing a skirt that was stained, like she was. She was bag of trouble that Daddy was putting away for a while with these strangers. She was in the car, and when she woke up, he told her it was a three hours drive, but she already peed her pants. She was ashamed she didn’t even make it very long. Daddy said it was still three hours. She didn’t even wait ten adult minutes or whatever the time it was slept. She sighed. Cait didn’t know when, but she woke. She rubbed her eyes, and her skirt felt soaked. She felt her skirt, soaked. She felt the seat under her, skirt. Her back was wet, her seat all over. Then her underpants, had squishy in it. She pooped her pants. She knew Daddy would let her off if she peed a little bit and the pee was just on the floor in one part of the seat… but this was all over. “You’re not with Daddy,” Kookaberry whispered. “You’re with Uncle-Daddy? Be member? You’re with the man who says you are supposed to be okay peeing on him, and he touches your poopy butt. We don’t care what Daddy says. Be member yesterday?” “You pooped your pants, though Cait. In the car. All oven Uncle Sean’s nicer car. Even if he’s not mad, you caused him trouble.” Chomp! The seat under her was wet everywhere. Trying to change her pants wasn’t going to do anything. The whole seat was peed on. She sat up and with a heavy sigh, she leaned to the front. She stare ahead at the road ahead. “What is it, love?” Auntie asked. “I peed sleeping.” Eiboline looked back, and she saw the wet seat. “It’s okay, pet. It’s not a big deal. You just sit tight. Uncle will stop for gas and lunch soon, and we’ll figure it out, okay?” Cait put her finger in her mouth. “I know you say that. You always say that. But this is Uncle’s nicer car. I think I had water-poops.” “We both expected that to start, Cait. You’d been drinking those bottles of formula stuff the doctor gave you between yesterday and last night.” “I thought I wasn’t apposed to have watery poops though.” “Cait, what he said, was it would take time for it to work.” “But what about not having watery-poops?” “It’s just trying to soften your poopies so they go through you, and you’ll probably poop your pants a few more times today, hon. Don’t be scared of it.” “I not Scared, Auntie. I just don’t want water-ones. I can’t hold it at all when it’s watery.” “Once the medicine has done it’s work, you should be able to poop normal for a few days.” “Okay.” Cait sat back and put her thumb in her mouth. She was pouting. Pouting at the medicine not doing its job fast enough, at mama for letting Daddy hit Roisin, at Grainne for being so scared of Daddy that she can’t even wet her pants for her own good…. She was mad at the world! Cait looked around and with her thumb in her mouth, she saw the gas station that daddy filled up when they drove towards Uncle’s the first time, or at least she thought it was the same. It looked right. “Daddy,” Cait told him on the way to the cousins the first time they were about this far. “I’m gonna pee my pants.” It was a whisper, a plea to stop, Daddy responded with “Go ahead.” Cait sat back in shock at first. She couldn’t help but listen to the ghost retell the past. “Look, Cait. You’re gross. You’d no doubt already peed heavily in your panties. You never say you have to go until you are peeing in your panties. You just sit there and pee. We’ll be at your cousin’s house soon enough.” Cait had her hands in her lap trying not to let the pre-pee get worse. “I promise, I won’t pee my panties if you let me go!” “And how are you supposed to go, Cait? I can’t take you in the mens, and you are not going in all alone, out here? Where you can be kidnapped? Just piss your pants like you always do.” He wasn’t mad when he said it, but he made it seem like Cait just does it. She had been shaking and started to cry as it started going in her pants that time…. Then… it was Uncle who was opening her door, and he was helping her out of the car. “Oh, poor little lass. It’s okay. We’ll make this comfortable for you, hon. Just. Let me take you to the girls’ room. Your Auntie will have to help you change so I can clean this seat up for you and have a dry place for you to sit.” Cait looked up at Uncle-Daddy. “I can help clean it.” “You could,” Uncle said. “But right now, what I want, is for a big ten year old to feel herself, and clean in nice dry clothes. You need to get clean. And I would be happy to be the one cleaning you, but this needs cleaned up, and Auntie would love to help. You love Auntie, right?” Cait smiled and reached out for Auntie. Uncle lifted her up and held her. “I’ll take you in the bathroom, then you let Auntie help while you are in there. Uncle will clean the seat. Good girl,” and like always, he patted her messy skirt like it didn’t bother him. He always showed her, her messy wasn’t a problem, only her hurting heart bothered him. Sean put Cait on the floor in the bathroom, and he hugged her. “You let Auntie help this time, little pet. It’s okay. It’s nobody’s business why you got poopy in your underpants unless you want to tell someone. No one is going to be here long enough to care that she see a big girl with messy pants on, hon.” He kissed her cheek. “Alright, pet. Let’s get your skirt off. You’re a big girl. You can do that, can’t you?” Cait smiled at Auntie. “In the outside here?” “Well…. Do you want to sit on the potty and try to go more in the toilet?” “Can I… try?” “Of course, hon. But I want to wipe your butt with water first so when you get up, you don’t have poop on the seat for the next person that has to sit down. If they are almost to pee their pants, and they have to wipe your poopy, it might make them pee their pants. Do you want another little girl that might have a hard Daddy like yours be caused to wet herself?” Cait shook her head no. “So, it’s only right I try to clean your butt off first, even if you poop while I’m doing it, okay?” “Okay.” Auntie kissed my forehead as she started to clean my butt off. It felt so good getting it off. I relaxed and hugged Auntie while she got it clean as she could, and then she guided me to the toilet and as soon as I sat naked waist down, I felt the water pouring from my butt. She was right. I did have it coming out, but it wasn’t like normal poop. When I looked in the toilet, it was clear stuff coming out. There was a little brown but mostly clear. “You’re almost cleaned out,” Auntie told me. “But the medicine will probably still make some messes in your underpants on the way home again, maybe more than once. Are you okay?” The stall door was open, and Auntie was looking in my eyes as she talked to me. She had some clean underwears in her hands for me, and she was smiling. “I’m okay. Thank you not making drive three hours in poopy pants.” “Cait, three hours? Honey, we still have like five hours to go. You just went about three hours from the motel, so your Uncle and I were not surprised you’d had to use the toilet or maybe wet yourself, hon. Even Auntie has to go right now, but you’re more important.” “Not to me, Auntie. If you gotta go, you need to go. If it’s important I don’t hold it, how come you holding it? You sit on the toilet now, if you don’t want me trying to hold myself to not pee.” Auntie frowned. “We’re making you strongly opinionated, aren’t we?” She giggled. “I’ll go as long as you promise to stay right there until I can help you and make sure the poopy gets wiped enough that you feel clean when we put you back in the car.” “Okay.” Back at the car, Cait knew that Uncle sometimes controlled Auntie, but it was always different than Daddy’s. It was with love. When Sean tried to control Auntie, it was with kindness and not with threats. He asked her opinions to make her relax. He said “Now” at her to help her calm down. He lightly touched her shoulders. That’s Uncle-Daddy’s control. A soft word, a light touch, a question—never a threat, a rush to accuse, or telling her she failed. “Uncle-Daddy? I had to tell Grainne to pee her pants outside. I had to tell her she’s still the big sister even when she should pee her pants so she doesn’t hurt herself.” “Now.” “But that’s it, isn’t it? If Grainne should pee her pants to not be sick because she can’t not pee all day and do daddy’s work, too…. How come Auntie gets to take care of me when I already made my pants a mess, but she’s doing a Grainne dance. You know. The one where no one that looks at her not knowing doesn’t know, but if you know her, you know she going to pee her pants? How come Auntie does that if I not allowed to hold my pee pee in with my hands?” Sean frowned. “I don’t know, Eiboline. We have to set an example. Maybe she’s right. Just maybe use the toilet and then clean her up after you are clean. Let’s not confuse her. I’ll do the same.” Like they promised Cait, they cleaned up her clothes and her body as best a gas station bathroom can make her clean, then they took her to get lunch at a small restaurant with lots of trucks around, and then they were on the road again. Cait felt the road change under her, and she jolted awake. She was soaked and had gross stuff in her underpants again. Auntie said she knew it would happen. Cait leaned forward once again. “I did it again, Auntie. A lot this time. I think I pooped everything in there!” “Good girl, Cait. We’re almost home. We’ll change you soon.” “How long?” “Sean?” “Maybe ten or fifteen minutes, Cait. That’s the hand there on the car clock. When it moves up to the eleven, we should see the house if we aren’t getting you out yet.” “Okay. It’s about to come out again.” “Just do it, hon. Don’t hold it right now,” Sean told her. “We’ll clean you up real soon, I promise. But Cait, the doctor says you’re bladder is going get hurt if you hold it too much. Just pee, babe, and if poopy comes with it, it’s okay.” “I already doing it before you said I could.” “Well, that’s just your body telling you what I already told you. That’s good. Your body needs to keep you healthy, hon. You listen to your body when it comes to needing the toilet. Not teachers, not Daddy and not even Uncle Sean. You listen to your body and if it’s already pushing, you go ahead and finish in your panties, even the really gross stuff, okay?” “Okay.” The car pulled around and to the front of the house at 5:30 in the afternoon… or evening. Arnold’s car was still there, and Cait could hear noises outside and inside the house. The door to the house opened when Sean was opening Cait’s door, and Liam ran out to meet her halfway. “Liam, later, lad,” Sean whispered. “Cait will talk when she’s feeling confident again. She’s… still being affected by the medicine the doctor gave her on Thursday. So she needs some space.” “Oh, of course,” Liam stepped back seeing the messy dress back and the sagging panties trying to droop under the poor messy girl. “Cait! Your farm horse had it’s baby. You probably want to see as soon as you are ready!” “Really?” Cait looked up at Uncle-Daddy. “Can we see the new horse first?” “No, hon. Cleaned up body and clean underwears first, then horse, okay?” “Okay.” A few minutes later, there was ruckus upstairs. Cait was being difficult, but it wasn’t really her trying to be bad. She was just excited and couldn’t wait to go see the new horse! Cait was still fighting Auntie Eiboline even as Eiboline was trying to put her real shirt on over her undershirt and trying to get some shorts on over her Underwears. "Daddy says no one will see me. I want to see the hose." “Cait, no one will see when no one is visiting. Arnold and his boys are here….” “They family!” Cait said. “Uncle likes them, good for me!” “Cait, no, hon… you are going to be eleven soon. Please, just let me put some shorts on you.” “Why? It’s almost bedtime. And I’ll pee them anyways.” “Cait! I don’t care if you pee them. The boys out there are not little kids. I don’t want them seeing you in just underwears.” “Then hurry! Before the sun goes down and I can’t see the new horse…. Summerstone!” “Summer stone?” “One word,” Cait said with her thumb in her mouth. Summerstone. It’s the baby’s name!” “Who said you were going to name the horse, baby?” “Well, I don’t know any of the cows names, but I don’t care. I going to look at each and every animal starting tomorrow, and I’m going to hear their names without someone saying it. I going to know them. And the horse. It cries on the air and it says it name is Summerstone.” Auntie smiled and finished dressing her, but Cait didn’t wait after her shirt was on her. She ran down the stairs and towards the back door. Sean had just come back in from outside when he saw Cait’s hair all over the place still running wet water all over her clean shirt, and her socks were wet from water. She had not even let Eiboline dry her off proper. “Hey, are you done with your bath?” “Yeah. Yeah. Yeah! Summerstone calling me. I going to see Summerstone!” “What’s Summerstone, Cait?” “The new baby! It been crying it’s name since we got here! Can you hear the air?” Sean put a steady hand on Cait. “This is serious. I put the bulls closer to warn us, but it’s turning dark out.” “Please don’t tell me it’s too dark to see Summerstone?” Cait eyes felt heavy pressure and soreness in them. Her throat tightened. Her chest hammered inside her. Her legs were trying to find a way around Daddy Sean. “No, babe. I would not tell you that on a day like today. You can see, but it is dark. Rules, Cait.” Cait looked up at him. “I carry you to the barn where the horses are. You watch, but you don’t touch yet. Your little Summerstone gets used to its mama, first. It needs it’s mama for a few weeks, so it’s important that you don’t interfere with nature. Once it’s ready to go on little adventures with you, you can start leading it out. Summerstone will be yours.” “Mine?” “But Cait, a real baby needs you. You can’t take a break like you can at school. This isn’t just some homework assignment you don’t get. It’s life. If you need help, you ask me for advice, but Summerstone is your responsibility. Are you ready for that?” “I think….” Sean bent down, tucked her dress up so she was covered, and then everyone went back to the barn. The Arnold boys and their Daddy, Auntie and the Arnold mommy, and then Uncle Sean carrying the still giddy Cait, though her joy was stunted by a sudden realization. She could be a little mommy, but was she ready? Could she not mess up? Could she be trusted? Sean set her down by the wood gate that kept out danger. “It’s alright, Ginger,” Uncle Sean talked to the mama. “Your foal is safe. No one is touching her right now. You go ahead and parent your child, mama. Do as nature intends.” Cait listened to Uncle Sean calm and respect the mama horse. He didn’t talk to her like she was a cat in the house or even a dog on a hunt. No, he talked to her like she was important and like he knew that she was the baby horse’s mama. “When you respect animals, and understand that God specifically created them just like he did us, and that each mother has responsibilities that help its young thrive, then the animals respect you as a keeper who helps them when they need help.” “That’s what you meant, we listen to animals? We respected them. Then the bulls don’t stab your chest?” “Well, that’s pretty much it, yeah.” “What’s a keeper do if the baby already has a mommy?” Cait asked Uncle Daddy. “A keeper, is a person that helps the mama with things that mama doesn’t have a way of getting. In a way, humans have other humans as keepers. Do you know the idea of my brothers’ keeper from the Cain and Able story?” Cait shook her head. “Well, God asked Cain. Where is your brother? Cain answered: Am I my brother’s keeper?” It’s a simple message, but that very thinking is why some doctors don’t need to charge as much money as standard doctors charge. That thinking is why some teachers try harder than they have to, and that thinking is why you will care for the little horse in ways its mommy can’t.” “Okay.” “Look, Cait,” he pointed at the foal. It was was trying to stand up, now. He couldn’t have even been that old. “You can do it, Summerstone. Stand up,” Cait cheered. Chapter 53 Summerstone First, Auntie! Cait sat down by the gate with Kookaberry in her arms, her thumb in her mouth, and she watch through the gate. “You can talk to dad,” Liam, a big boy about Grainne’s age, I think, still a kid but bigger and the younger of the boys for Arnold told Uncle-Daddy. “I’ve got the little girl. I won’t let nothing happen.” Uncle Sean looked down at Cait on the ground. “I need to talk about the farm with Arnold. If you want your Auntie or me, you know the trail to get home?” Cait nodded. “You put a big ol’ sign over there to tell me where the well, the pen, the house, and the no-no land is. I promise, I won’t go to the X until you say so.” “Are you okay if I tell you do what Liam says?” “Yeah, if he not mean.” Uncle Sean bent down. “Well, give me a hug then, and when the sun starts to hide behind that hill over there, it’s time to go inside, okay?’ Don’t wait for all the light to be out of the sky.” “Okay.” Cait looked up at the boy. “I pee my pants, but you can’t touch. Uncle Daddy and Auntie-grandma help me if I need, and Auntie made me change my own wet pants last night. She’s teaching me to do it myself. I don’t need help like a baby. I need help like a doctor to make it my control again.” Liam smiled. “I never pegged you a baby, Cait.” “You lying. You saw poop in my falling down boy underpants!” “I saw a little girl that was exhausted from a long trip that had an accident in the car. That’s not a baby. That’s a kid that didn’t have a bathroom when she needed one. That’s never your fault if the bathroom isn’t right there. Lots of kids between like maybe 8 and maybe 14 poop their pants on vacations because the car trip takes a little bit.” “You lying.” “I am? Well, you can ask your Uncle-Daddy if you want later. It’s not even my business if you poop your pants at home. That’s between you and your Aunt and Uncle. If I babysit, you, I’m not changing your wet pants. You’re too old for me to change your clothes for you. I’m just watching you don’t get into something that can hurt you.” “Look,” Liam pointed Cait’s attention away from the uncomfortable truth she was stating. “Look. It’s curious. It’s looking at us.” “He’s looking at me.” “How do you know it’s a he?” Liam asked. “Same way I know his name is Summerstone,” Cait shrugged. “He told me.” Liam frowned scratching his head. “He told you, just like that?” “Yeah. Uncle said if you listen, the animals talk.” “But they don’t talk human, Cait.” “That why you gotta listen, right? Because they tell you but you have to learn their talk!” He shook his head. Something looked confusing to him. “You are sure this horse is a boy?” Liam asked, his hand scratching his head.” “What’s up, Liam?” the older boy came out. “This girl, who’s never seen a horse, a cow or nothing, from all the way over here… she knows that the horse had a boy baby!” The other boy laughed. “Sean probably told her or maybe our Dad told Sean and she over heard, Liam. Don’t be so gullible!” I didn’t like the older boy as much after that. He didn’t believe me, that the farm can talk and animals are smart. I don’t like he called me a liar, too. I wasn’t lying! The air did have the baby’s voice in it, and the baby told me his name and he was a boy that was just born, maybe ten minutes before we got there! So there! “Yeah, whatever know-it-all,” Liam ribbed at his brother. “So what you still doing out here?” “The little girl wants time with the baby horse she’s just been given. I offered to babysit.” “You? You can’t even keep a group of sheep together with two trained dogs.” “Maybe not. But Cait’s not a sheep. She’s a little girl that can tell me where she’s going and why. I don’t have to direct dogs to chase her down. I just ask and know where she wants to go.” “And if she potties her pants?” “She’s ten. She doesn’t.” “Yes, I do,” I whispered. “The doctor gotta fix it. But until he fix it… I poop and pee my pants. That what I told you before.” Liam frowned. “So? You’re still not a baby. You can tell me we need to go to the house so you can change your pants, right?” “Yeah.” “See? So I was wrong and thought she pooped because she’s a little kid on a long car ride. Doesn’t change the fact she can tell me if she wets her pants and she needs me to take her to the house so she can change.” “Whatever, bro. Just watch her carefully. She’s a little kid. She’ll run off on you.” “No I won’t. Get the fuck out of here, ghost!” Both boys looked shocked at her. “Cait, you can’t talk to big people like that!” Liam whispered as the older boy walked away his face red and his fist slamming into his hand. “Talk to big people like what?” “You telling my big brother to go away and saying fuck to his face?” “I wasn’t talking to him.” “Cait, he just said something that would have made any little kid defend herself. I heard you. You said, exactly, Go the fuck away, ghost.” "I was telling the ghost to go away," Cait said. Liam frowned. "But you said it to my brother's face." "No. I said it to the ghost." "Cait—" "The ghost was putting those words in his head. Those my Daddy's words. Not his." Liam didn't say anything. He just waited. "The ghost told him I was bad. That I potty my pants like a baby. That I do bad things like run away." "Do you?" Cait looked down. "I do wander. But Uncle-Daddy told me it getting dark. And I know why he said don't go nowhere but the trail. And I heard him say you babysitting me. So I wouldn't run away." She looked up at Liam. "I promised Uncle-Daddy I listen to you. And if I promise my Uncle-Daddy, I don't break those promises. Honest." Liam nodded slowly. "I told the ghost to go away. Not your brother." Liam nodded. “Okay. I mean, he was being mean. But Cait. No one will believe a ghost told him to talk like that.” “I know. I just don’t know why I the only one that can see the ghost!” “Why come your brother said that about you and sheep and dogs?” Cait asked her thumb in her mouth as she looked back at the horses, watching the colt now shake on its feet. “Well, one day last week, we had a job to help someone with their sheep, and a couple of sheep got away from my two dogs.” "So, he's blaming you for the dogs getting mixed up?" Cait asked. "No," Liam sighed. "I gave them confusing signals." Cait frowned. "Okay. So you pre-peed your panties a little bit. But that doesn't mean you can't keep from peeing your pants." "Cait—" "You just made a little tiny mistake. Someone corrected you. That's all." Liam shook his head. "I don't pee my pants, Cait." "Neither do Auntie-grandma. But she got her own pre-pee problems that not about peeing." Liam looked at her, confused. "You learning to control dog and sheep. You had one little almost accident. Someone helped you by telling another dog to stop the sheep." "How do you know the sheep didn't get hurt?" Cait looked at him. "Because you here and not crying in your bedroom." Liam blinked. "You love animals. You never be this happy a few days later if you caused a animal to hurt." Liam frowned. "How… how can you know that?" Cait turned back to the foal. "The horse told me." Liam sat down next to her, his arms resting on his knees. "My dad says that too, sometimes." "Says what?" "That animals tell him stuff. Stuff no one else sees." Cait looked at him. "Really?" "Yeah. He knew days before the vets came. When his animals were down. He just… knew." Cait nodded. "The horse told me." Liam smiled a little. "He lost his farm, but it wasn't because he didn't understand his animals." "Why did he lose it?" Liam shrugged. "I don't know. He doesn't talk about that part." Cait waited. The colt wobbled, took a step, wobbled again. "He told the man the other day," Liam went on. "About those three sheep. He said they don't like the new dogs." "Did the man listen?" "No. And then Daddy was right. The sheep didn't do what the dogs told them." Cait frowned. "So it wasn't your fault." "That's what Daddy said. But the man tried to say Dad was just covering for me." Cait's thumb went back in her mouth. She watched Summerstone try to stand again. "Daddy said, take this misunderstanding out of Daddy's share." "What's that mean?" "It means the man didn't pay him as much. Because he blamed me." Cait pulled her thumb out. "That's not fair." "No. But Daddy says this year is the last year he helps that man drive his sheep." "Why?" "He says a boss that doesn't trust his hand can't expect his hand to warn him when something is wrong." Cait thought about that. "So your Daddy would understand? If I told him the horse told me?" Liam looked at her. "No, Cait. Almost no one would understand that." "But—" "But if you tell him the horse told you its name and it was a boy? He would believe that." Cait looked back at the colt. "Summerstone." "Yeah," Liam said. "He'd believe that." “You nice. Can you play with me sometimes? Maybe teach me to ride when the horse big enough?” Cait looked at the colt get back up, and it walked a little. It went sideways, seemed to run sideways, but it was not good, and Cait knew before it happened, the horse fell again. “I’ll teach you to ride a horse, if my dad says I’m allowed to babysit you or something.” “That’s my pen, over there.” “Your pen?” “Yeah, where Uncle made it before we went to see my old family. He said, that way, I can wonder in and he put this fence stuff high so snakes don’t want to get in.” Liam smiled. “That’s just like Uncle Sean.” “You call him, Uncle?” “Ever since we moved here about, what… eight years ago now?” “Uncle Sean and Auntie-grandma are nice, right? They never mad about little stuff?” “No. They don’t get too mad about little stuff, but I learned to never ever disturb two places.” “What meets… Esterb?” “Disturb means you don’t bother something. A dresser on the second floor with a farm toy set and a field out near the front of the house, no one is allowed to go in there.” “Did Auntie tell you why?” “Not right away, but my Dad did. They lost their son when an accident caused a bull, that was stomping at a big snake, to accidentally punch its horn in their son’s chest.” “Yeah. I been learning about their son, everywhere. Shadow the dog is really old. She’s his dog.” “Yeah… I remember them talking about that, The Kinsellas and my Dad. My Dad asked why they didn’t get rid of it because my Dad thought it could heard sheep and Mr. Kinsella said that Eiboline would never let the dog go. He said the was about 7 years old when I was 8… about 6 years ago, so I recon the dog is about 14 or 15 years old.” “Is that old for a dog?” “Well, some dogs die around that age, some a little later, up to around 22, is the oldest I’ve ever heard.” “Shadow is really old then.” “Yeah.” “I know the dresser you’re talking about,” Cait whispered. “I sleep in the same room as it.” "You know the dresser?" Liam asked. Cait nodded. "Auntie showed me. She said if a piece falls, I can put it back. But only one at a time. And I have to put it back the way the boy had it." Liam looked at her. "She let you touch it?" "Only if it falls. And only one piece. Then I put it back before I touch another." Liam was quiet for a moment. "She never let me touch it." Cait looked at him. "Maybe she knows I know how it feels. When something is yours and someone moves it and you can't find it the same way again." “Maybe,” Liam frowned. “You been staying in the boy’s room for a week?” “Yeah.” “You wear his clothes sometimes?” “Yeah. My Daddy forgot to leave my suitcase at first. It was all I had for at first. Now I have some clothes my own, but they still put me in the boys’ stuff for the farm chores, and they comfort to me.” “Comfortable? You mean?” “Yeah.” “So… if your Aunt and Uncle had to get a paper for your dad, why he doesn’t just take you to see the doctor or something like regular dads?” Cait shrugged. “He busy. He got four more childs at the farm, and he working long times in town. That is he says my mom.” “You don’t sound like you believe that, or maybe you think there’s more to it.” “I’m a baby?” Cait shrugged. “He thinks I just peeing and pooping my pants like a baby. He doesn’t get mad about it no more, if I just don’t move when I’m doing it so I don’t make a mess.” Cait’s voice was really sad. She didn’t want him think that, but she felt it in him and the way he answered Sean wanting the papers to take her to see a doctor. “You are a baby,” the ghost whispered. “You suck your thumb?” Cait pulled her thumb out of her mouth. “I’m gonna prove I’m not a baby. I’m gonna make sure Summerstone gets fed first in the morning before me. And I going to make sure it’s hair is brushed right everyday before I play. And I’m going to make sure he knows I am there for him every time he’s worried his mama can’t get something he needs.” Liam frowned, and he stood up and pulled her to her feet. “It’s getting dark, Cait. I told your Uncle or whatever you call him that I’d take you in. But you listen to me, okay? You are not a baby. You are a capable child. You just need some help with stuff sometimes, and we all do.” “That what Uncle-Daddy says, too.” “Well, I know Uncle Sean says that. But I’m telling you, he’s right.” He took Cait’s hand. “You know there’s snakes out here, don’t you?” “Yeah, Auntie-grandma says it all the time, and Uncle-Daddy made the bulls better pens from out there in the far field to closer the house so they can stomp and moo if one gets near the house.” “Do you know how dangerous Rattlers and other venomous snakes are?” “No? But I know they scared Uncle-Daddy. If Uncle-Daddy is scared it, then it really scary.” “Well, some snakes, if they bite you, you have only about three or four minutes of life left to say goodbye. If others bite you, you might have half an hour… and half an hour, might be enough time to get you help from the hospital.” Cait shrugged. “I don’t do time, good. You can tell me a minute, and I still have to ask you if it was a minute yet, or You can tell an hour, and I don’t come back for way longer than you thinked because I don’t do time. Good.” “That’s what a clock is for.” “Yeah. I don’t do that good, too.” Liam frowned. “You can’t read a clock?” I can read it okay. I can see the little pointer is on a number and the big pointer is by a number. But I don’t say it like grownups say it. I don’t get it.” “But you know your numbers?” “Yeah. Numbers is easy. I know all the way up to a gazzillion!” “Well, do you know how to multiply?” “You mean like four timezes four?” “Well, yeah?” Cait shrugged. “I can do some of them.” Liam pushed open the kitchen door and we saw Auntie look up. “Decided to come in, did you kids?” and she was looking at Liam more than Cait. She didn’t really look that mad, but she didn’t look happy, too. “You made sure to stay on the paths we marked for her, and you made her watch the ground where she was walking, right?” “Well, no…, I didn’t….” “Liam? She needs to learn the ways of the farm and that means she comes in before it’s dark unless she’s with someone we trust… like you, but you also need to teach her to watch the ground, listen to sounds, and watch the bulls, the dog, and everything else.” “Okay. I’m sorry.” Auntie breathed in deep. “Well, no one got bit, right?” “I didn’t,” Cait said trying to be helpful. “No ma’am. I was listening and stuff. You know I was.” “Yeah, well, I want you to teach Cait to listen and watch, too, when you are with her. She’s smarter than she’s been told, and I want her to be responsible for her own safety as much as a nine year old can be.” “Yes ma’am.” “Cait, pet, can you sit at the table and eat dinner with Liam? I’m sorry I sounded sore. I just….” “The snakes scare Uncle a lot. They make you more upset than even Uncle,” Cait frowned. “I’ll try to be more careful. I promise.” “I know you will. We just haven’t really had a chance to teach you how to watch out for them yet. I’m not going to rest when you are out there until you see your first snake, and you do what you need to not show it you are there or you are interesting.” “I’m listening to everything you say, though. And Liam might not know, but I was watching how he walking back, too. I watching his eyes. They on the ground more than me.” Sean went behind her and put a hand on her back. “Now, Eiboline.” I nodded. “Now, Auntie.” Eiboline couldn’t help but smile and she turned her head too late. I saw her smile. Uncle laughed like a twenty-breath-hee hee from his throat. I don’t know why I did it, but when Auntie looked back up, she still had a smile. “Snakes are serious, Cait. You might be cute sometimes, but don’t be cute about snakes, okay?" "Okay."

Chapter 41 Do As You Wish, But … Auntie Eiboline walked in as the nurse left, the clock ticked between the eight and the nine. “We have to take a trip up to see them, Sean,” Auntie frowned. “He says that he’s not going to waste time on someone that just needs an excuse to be a baby. But we think we know better… well, he’ll sign the papers.” “That’s it then,” Sean looked at the doctor. “He’ll sign any papers we need him to.” “That’s not it, Mr. Kinsella. That’s just the beginning. We’ll get her little body free of what is in there today, and I’ll give you some medicine for her to keep her body moving for a few days, but the hospital is trying to tie my hands. The surgery can only happen once everything is in order, and this surgery needs to happen soon. Trust me.” “I peed,” Cait whispered up to the doctor. “I saw, little mouse. It happens more than you need to know. It’s okay.” Cait put her thumb back in her mouth. “So, here is the plan,” the doctor talked to Sean. “Right now, we give her some medicine to get her immediate bowels clean. If we need, we will administer it more than once. There’s no telling what is still trying to seep around and how much dried mess is in there. Once we get her immediate needs met, you go home and I’ll send you with this formula for her to drink.” “Wait,” Sean looked the doctor in the eye. You are going to clean her out so why the formula? I’m not asking you because I question you. I want Cait to understand.” He had that look he gets when he really thinks Auntie is wrong and he wants her to stop and listen to his opinion before they move past something… like he did when Auntie told him I’d feel better cleaning up the messes, and Uncle told her that it’s important that I don’t do it by myself for a while. “I’m not doubting you that Cait needs to build confidence, Eiboh. I’m asking you to look at it through her eyes for a minute. How does she know it’s clean? She needs supervision. That’s all I’m saying. Not to get it clean, but to not overdo it.” The doctor nodded. “Yes, I understand.” “No,” Sean said. “You don’t. All of her teachers, all of the people that should have understood, they assumed that oh, I’ll just talk to her like a child. No. Talk to her and make sure she feels comfortable with what you are saying. She’s not a toddler and understands more than people credit her for, but she is also used to people just saying I’ll do this for you, and what they’ve done, is hurt her. Talk to her.” The doctor looked like he was about to defend his education, his experience, everything that makes him a doctor and Sean, not. But after a breath or two of looking at Sean like Daddy would have if Uncle Sean talk to daddy like that, the doctor calmed down. “You’re right. I haven’t spent the time I needed to understand her, but since you have, I’ll tell you what we are doing, but we don’t do anything until you’ve had time to explain it to her. How would that be?” Uncle nodded. “That’s as it should be. You’re the professional. I’m just Cait’s filter for understanding what you want.” Cait’s breath relaxed as the two adults came to an agreement. Sean turned to Cait. “Everything we do right now is not a punishment. You never deserved anything that we must do, but it has to be done to make you healthy pet. So, let me explain part one. Before I do, what are you scared of?” “What if I pee?” “You likely will pee, Cait. It’s not a big deal. We don’t want the pee inside anyway, so it’s doing as it should if it comes out, even on the floor.” “Okay….” Cait put her thumb in her mouth for a moment but squirmed back to face Sean before he continued. “Will it hurt?” “It will be uncomfortable, Cait. It will not be like getting hit with the belt, but it will be very uncomfortable. It has to happen, though, and I’m so sorry it has to happen.” “I’m big. It can hurt a little. I don’t mind.” “Okay, so I’m going to start telling you what the doctor wants to do, step by step, as he does it so you know at least as much as I do about it, and how uncomfortable I think it might be. You stop us at any time if you have questions. I can’t promise we can stop a procedure once it’s started,” Uncle Sean looked at the doctor’s careful stare that said don’t promise that. “But we’ll stop at a good stopping point to explain anything you need, okay?” “Okay. I’m ready.” Sean adjusted Kookaberry in her arms. “The doctor has to put medicine in your bottom. He needs you to try to hold that medicine in for a bit.” “Twenty minutes,” the doctor said in the background. “It’s the time it takes the clock to turn to four full numbers, or the time it takes for you to usually take a bath.” “That’s a long time, Daddy.” “I know. The doctor says you need to try. If it comes out early, no one will be mad, but we will have to do it again.” “Okay.” It was put something slippery but hard against my butt, and then I felt something pushing in. It was… not exactly hurting. I didn’t like it, but it was just pushing. My tummy hated it more. It moved like it was going in circles or something. Then it seemed to start filling up. They stopped. “I’m gonna poop!” I said to Sean. “I don’t want to poop on the floor.” “I know,” Sean whispered to me. “But you said no diapers. They told me they normally put a diaper on a kid when they are doing this, especially if this is the first time.” “I don’t want a diaper.” “I know. That’s why you don’t have on one, sweetie.” “Not like this, though.” “You can sit on the potty chair over there.” I looked up at the doctor, and he nodded to it. “No.” I frowned. “It’s okay if you see… but no supposed to watch you on the toilet except Daddy or Mommy. But Asept you and Auntie. Daddy said you my Daddy right now, so you can. But… what if Doctor comes in?” “Cait, what do you want? You’ll have to go sooner than later, baby. We need to know what you want.” Cait’s face blushed. “I’m… Used to…,” but she looked down tears rolling down her cheeks. “I heard, you, sweet girl,” Sean patted her back. “Eiboh. Get a pair of her underwears.” “With the toilet right there?” “Yes, Eiboh. Please. She’s demanding it as close to demanding she’s gotten to. This is about her feeling enabled, not about where or what she goes in. I’ll even wash them out.” Auntie smiled. “No, Sean. You’re right, and besides, I can teach her how to clean them out herself if we do it together.” “Put ‘em now,” Cait started stomping her feet, crying, and clutching Kookaberry tighter. “Hurry!” “Cait, can you wait a little more?” “No. It’s coming. Please.” Sean frowned. “Okay, sweetheart.” Chapter 42 Again…. “Little lady, no,” the doctor frowned to Cait. “Not yet, little mouse.” “It’s already….” And an avalanche (ebolansh) of stuff started to fill her panties just before a huge explosion causing a sound that stunned the room. Such a small body made the whole room burp at once, and then more muddy sludge slid into her panties and down her legs. The little ten year old girl’s eyes stung. Her face was on fire. She shook in silent hiccups as the last of the mess finally sagged her underwears, smelled up the room, and told everyone present how imperfect she really was. The doctor looked at Sean. “It didn’t have the time it needed to finish,” he frowned. “We have to do this again.” Sean frowned. “We will, but not right away. Look, I have all day. You go look in on something else you need to do, and in an hour, we’ll have her ready to try again. If it takes you an hour and a half or two hours to get back to us, I don’t care, but Cait needs an hour, and we need some water and stuff for her Auntie to clean her up with.” The doctor sighed and nodded. “I’ll be back as soon as I can, then. Meanwhile, I’ll send a nurse along with some stuff to clean her up. I could have the nurse clean….” Cait shook her head no, and her mouth seemed to be jolted, her cheeks as if they were being pulled late from each movement. Cait felt the vibrations inside her. Auntie and Uncle, they were safe. No one else touches. No. No nurse. Please no nurse. She couldn’t say the words out, so she just had to trust Uncle Sean would know what she was saying. He guessed at what she wanted until this point. “Actually, the nurse needs to leave the room after she brings stuff. Cait’s not in the hospital yet, and she’s going to need to be eased into this. Her Aunt and I have cleaned her up plenty of times. She’s used to us doing it.” The doctor departed without any argument. Cait didn’t see when or how he left. She just knew he was gone when Auntie started to remove her dirty panties. Auntie didn’t start with wiping her bottom until after the nurse left, no as the nurse put the stuff by the door, just on the inside of it, Sean nodded. “That’ll do.” Sean lifted Cait up from under her arms, and he sat her messy panty butt on his lap again. He never says she’s dirty. He never does! He keeps putting her in his lap. She pees, she goes in his lap. She poops in the bath, he puts her in his lap. She poops her pants in the doctors’ where when they leave, everyone will think he made a big mess or something, but he doesn’t care. Right in his already wet lap where she peed on him earlier, she goes. He’s hugging her every time. “I’m sor….” Daddy touched her nose. “No, Cait. You better not be sorry. You are saying I trust you, Uncle, when you sit in my lap in those messy panties. If you are sorry you trust me holding you while you have poopy panties… then I’m really sad.” He stuck out his lip. “I didn’t mean that…,” Cait was confused. Wait. He said it meant she trusted him. He said that he wanted her trust him. He got sad if she didn’t trust him enough to poop her pants in his lap? She knew he wasn’t daddy, but he’d be upset if she didn’t trust him enough to go potty on him? The ghost didn’t even appear. It knew it had no chance. Even Cait couldn’t be embarrassed as she sat there in messy panties on him because it would make him cry if she said she’s sorry we went potty on him? Cait was smiling when the doctor returned. “Cait’s ready,” Sean told him. “She’s agreed to let you try again, but she has her way she wants it done.” Cait licked her lips and glanced up at the doctor while Sean told him everything. She lipped at Auntie for holding her while Sean explained. “Thank you.” “You let her lie against me when you are giving her the medicine, and you do it with her panties still on her.” “That’s not how it’s usually done,” the doctor’s voice faltered when he noticed how again, Uncle Sean’s eyes glanced at him with the same gleam Daddy’s did when he had the belt ready for me. “Now. We’ll navigate that. Then, she’ll sit on the potty chair. She says sitting on the toilet in front of people usually makes her freeze anyway, and you watching, will make her freeze.” Uncle’s eyes bore into the doctor’s while he plowed on not giving the doctor a chance to say anything. “She says the medicine will probably stay longer if you watch her on the toilet. When you say she can let it go...,” Sean’s voice got louder as if to cut off anything he might say. “She gets to stand up and hug her Uncle while she poops her underpants, and you don’t get to call her gross. Those are her conditions.” “And you are okay with these conditions?” the doctor asked. “Of course. If I wasn’t, I wouldn’t be telling you what she wants. She trusts me to tell you exactly what we agreed on, and it’s important, that she doesn’t have to poop in the potty when she’s not sure who will come through the door.” Cait looked up into the doctor’s eyes, her own glancing down at the floor, up at his, and at the floor again, trying to be polite but wanting to have it done this way. “She’s used to going in her underwears, and she knows it’s not what her Daddy at home likes, it’s not what the teachers like, and it’s not what anyone likes. But she’s used to it, and with her Uncle holding her, she thinks she’ll feel safe.” “Well, if that’s how we get this over with for her, then that’s what we do.” Cait didn’t care if the doctor was confused or not about her wanting to use the toilet to prevent the medicine coming out, and then standing up and getting to let it go in her underwears when the doctor let her up. The doctor was just there, doing what Uncle Sean… what Daddy Sean… told him to do. He was helping her, but Daddy Sean was in charge, and so the only one she didn’t want confused or mad at her… well, two people she didn’t want mad at her, were the two people who have been with her this whole week! Cait whispered to Sean. “I love you Daddy,” and then she felt the medicine work. Even as the medicine worked, Cait knew the doctor was over there thinking about why Uncle was saying what he was while she did what she needed to do. “Good girl, Cait-a-kins. Brave… girl. That’s right, all is safe here, hon. I’m so proud of you, little mouse.” The doctor said a few more things, gave Uncle four bottles of something, and told him that when he comes in next week to get things started, this large packet of homework had to be done. “He gave you homework,” Cait said as they settled her, now cleaned up again, and in the car happy. “You didn’t know you were going to get homework or you might have said you wouldn’t want me to stay, huh?” Sean frowned. “No, Cait. Maybe I would have before I knew what was needed, but if I knew what I know now, I’d have told your mom in a letter, or had Auntie Eiboh do it, anyway, that we were taking you for the rest of the year, and they need to do homework of their own.” “You would have taken me the rest of the year, even knowing how much trouble… that I pee the bed all the time, and now, maybe why?” “Cait-a-kins?” “Yeah?” she looked up at him with shiny eyes and a small smirk on her face as if she was playing with him. “Let’s not talk like you aren’t important anymore, okay? You should know by now that your Auntie and I do not regret taking you in, and that you are important to us.” “He’s right, you know,” Kookaberry whispered. “They keep showing you that the ghost is wrong. Why do you keep listening to it?” Cait sighed. “The ghost is…. Well, it’s Daddy, and I have to believe that Daddy….” “I Know, Kit-Cait,” Kookaberry whispered. “And Daddy does. He just… He isn’t good at showing it—like at all.” Cait’s eyes felt hot and her chest tightened. “I still….” “I know,” Kookaberry whispered. Auntie looked back at Cait. “You were very brave today, little Cait. But as hard as that was, it’s only the beginning. There is still a mountain of things to do to get healthy, little one. So, the medicine didn’t do anything but make it easier on your body for a little while to go potty, but it didn’t fix wetting your pants or stopping the pooping forever, Cait. You need to give yourself permission to especially have accidents at night for a while, okay?” “Okay.” “She knows that,” Uncle Sean whispered. “She heard every word of what the doctor was saying. She just don’t always know how to say what she knows, and she doesn’t always know if it’s okay to know it. Her mind is confused, but it’s not broken. She knows everything we’ve been saying to her, Eiboh. Just trust her.” Chapter 43 The Transition and Transaction As they arrived at the farm, it was six in the evening. It had taken all day, and Sean’s friend, Arnold, an older man with straighter darker hair that went to his shoulders put a hand on his shoulder as he carried Cait into the house. “How was the farm?” Uncle Sean asked. “As it should be. Your mare is going to give birth soon, maybe tonight.” The man touched Cait’s face. “Isn’t she precious? What of her?” “They couldn’t do what needed to be done. They just helped with some pain and temporarily, maybe helped her stop pooping her pants all the time, but it’s just temporary. She needs a lot. I’m going to have to call on you again this week. We have to drive out to her folks’ place to get some papers sign so we can permanently fix her situation.” “Poor lass. Well, you call on me anytime you need help with her. I’ll watch the farm for you or whatever. You know since the bank has taken my own farm from me a year ago, I’ve been too idle.” “God help you. Here.” Uncle Sean pulled out an envelope. I couldn’t see what was in it, but Arnold frowned and push it back to Sean. “Sean. I’m doing alright that way, and trust me, if the state doesn’t help you with this, you’re going to need that a lot more than I will. I have plenty of odd jobs to keep me going.” “Arnold! You know you worked your butt off here today, and this isn’t even enough if I had tried to hire labor to come out, and you did it the last minute. It’s just a token….” “Sean! I helped my neighbor. You were in trouble, and I helped you, nothing more. Besides, I loved being able to walk around a farm and feel in control again. Without you here, telling me what you were worried about being done as usually happens when I help you… the place almost felt like my own. I gladly would do this again. You keep that money for that little miss. Get her body working again so she can at least bodily control it when she wants.” Sean sighed. “Well, let me at least buy you a case.” “That, I’d be crazy to turn that down.” “Daddy?” Cait looked up at Sean and the man talking. “I peed.” “I know, hon. You’ve had a hard day. I’d be surprised if you made it potty tonight. But I’m proud of you. You told me this time without needing to be checked on, and you were so brave at the hospital. So brave, Cait.” Arnold leaned down and patted her head. “Little Miss, don’t you ever be ashamed of who you are. And don’t think that a pair of wet pants… never think that a pair of wet pants is who you are. It’s not. I’m still a farmer, too. I just don’t have a farm anymore, but you don’t forget who you are just because people take things out of your hands on you.” Eiboline took Cait’s hand. “Let’s let Uncle-Daddy talk, Cait. I have a nice bath waiting for you upstairs. It’ll feel good to get clean after all of this, and then you’re going to have to start drinking that stuff to finish getting your body ready to poop right. It’s not going to be easy, little one, but Auntie will help you drink it. And every time you feel it come out, Auntie will be there to wipe up the mess. You’re our little girl for as long as Dan will let us keep you and take care of this problem.” The next morning, Arnold brought two strong younger men with him and he brought an older lady with him. He was in the kitchen when Cait was led down with her hair still wet and smelling like bubble bath, her hand in Auntie-grandma’s hand. “What’s this?” Auntie Eiboline asked. “You people need to get over there and get those papers signed today. I brought my family to take care of things here. I’m a bit old, but my sons heard the story, about how a little Miss needs medical treatment her parents can’t give her, and how she’s suffering, and we all agreed last night we’d come first thing. When you people get back with her, probably in two days, you are going to need a rest. We will take good care of your farm.” “I wanted to see the baby horse come out,” Cait whispered. Arnold bent down and he touched her head. “I’m sorry, Cait, but this is far more important than something even as beautiful as life happening in front of you. But don’t you worry. There are farms upon farms around here. We’ll give you a chance to see life happen, when the time is right. We’ll work it out.” Breakfast was being cooked already and Auntie looked around the corner into the kitchen. “You just took over my kitchen?” she looked up at the woman that was with Arnold. “Look, I know it’s your kitchen, mama bear, but honestly, is the kitchen more important to you or is the little child that you are still nearly standing in front of to protect her?” Auntie shifted a little so she wasn’t blocking Cait. “I’m not protecting her from you,” she whispered. “Yes, Eiboline, you were. And that’s as it should be. You’ve earned the right to protect her. I wasn’t criticizing. I was just saying, your kitchen is second, now, and you need to realize that, too.” “You don’t get to….” Sean walked in the door. “Arnold, can I talk to you, please. Boys? You know where the farm is. Sheila, turn off the stove and give it a break for a minute, please.” Cait looked up at Uncle Sean. “I never meant to overstep,” Sheila whispered to Eiboline in front of Cait. “I just thought with everything going on with the little one, that you had your hands full.” “You don’t remember that I’ve done it before, my kitchen and a… um… and…,” but she started to cry. Cait patted Auntie’s arm. She looked up at the brown hair but heavily old person wrinkle face, and she whispered. “I help Auntie. We do her kitchen together. And if I pee on the floor, I can clean it up.” The lady nodded. “Well.” She had said it so softly, as if she was less sure of what she had been doing. It was almost like… she was saying sorry without saying it. Cait let the adults eventually hug it out, and Arnold went up with Sheila to help them pack things for Cait and little things Cait will need on the trip. The trip was seven hours in the car. Cait didn’t say anything. She had heaviness in her head. Her arms were wrapped around Kookaberry, and she stared out the window. “Daddy thought I was gone for the summer. He’s not going to be happy my messy butt is coming back even for a day, making a mess on the floor again, and it’s not even a week, yet. It’s Only Friday. Tomorrow would be a week.” “Your Daddy hasn’t earned the right to take a break, and besides, Daddies don’t want a break from their kids. They need it sometimes. But they don’t want it.” “How do you know, Kookiberry?” Cait asked her friend. “Well…, what did Uncle-Daddy-Sean make for you, right outside, where you can be and he can see you play? Where has Uncle-Daddy-Sean been every time he came in the house, and where has your little wet bottom been when he’s around?” Cait blushed. “I didn’t pee on purpose… not every time.” “Cait, I’m not saying that. I’m saying… even when you told him you kind of pushed it on purpose, what did he do with your wet butt?” “I was in his lap?” She sucked her thumb and started to fall asleep. Chapter 44 And He Didn’t Say No, Neither Cait felt the bump of the bumpy road to her farm when she next woke. Her seat under her was soaked in pee. She rubbed her eyes and pulled Kookaberry to her chest. She looked around and recognized some of the other farms. It was like three in the afternoon. Daddy was supposed to be in town, working. That’s why she was sent away, right? The only ones at home should be mama and her two littler sisters. Her older sisters will be around, but they are supposed to be looking after the farm, the think that Cait couldn’t do. That was the reason she was sent away. She buried her eyes with her arm. It hurt that she was sent away because she peed her pants, just like now, and she couldn’t help on the farm. “That’s right, though,” the ghost whispered. “Even Sean has a pen to put you out of the way because you wander. He is keeping you safe so you don’t get hurt. You’re too stupid to take care of yourself, and you’d poop your pants out there, and Grainne has no time to clean you up, so you’d just sit in it. And Mama is too busy for you. You make nothing but...(chomp).” “That. Is is enough.” Kookiberry dead pan stared at the now more solid than ever almost see through demon in the car next to Cait, it’s own dress soaked and it’s eyes dark circles. “You are way too hard on yourself, ghost. You are not a nothing. You are not stupid, and you are none of the things Daddy made you out to be. You are no longer protecting the living. She’s safe. You need to stop this, now.” “How? Daddy’s going to say no. I know him,” the ghost whispered a hiccup of a whine in its voice. “I don’t know,” Kookiberry whispered. “But calling her… calling yourself the names you think that man wants to hear. That’s not doing you any good. You need to stop believing those lies.” “But he’ll yank us back. He’ll hit Cait for even asking to see a doctor, and wait until Sean tells him she pooped her big girl underpants on purpose in front of the doctor—on purpose!” “Uncle Sean has no reason to say that unless Daddy brings it up where he has to answer it, but if it’s brought up, you watch how Uncle Sean hugs her. He’s not leaving the farm without the papers. I promise you that.” “You can’t be so sure. I’ve seen Daddy. He can do anything he wants. People do what he says.” The car stopped in front of the house. No one came out to greet them. It was quiet. “Auntie? Can you change me in the car?” Cait asked in a whisper. “If Mama sees me like this… first thing? I don’t want to.” “Sean, don’t get out, yet. Let’s put some clean pants on Cait first. She deserves to see her mother in confidence.” Sean nodded. “Go ahead and clean her up, Eiboh. I’ll just organize the papers.” He turned and smiled at Cait. “Good girl, hon. You tell us exactly what you need and want. We don’t want you to be scared, if we can help it.” “Did you poop your Underwears?” Eiboline asked her little baby cousin, her eyes soft and her hand just touching Cait’s arm. “No? It just peed… really bad.” “Hon,” Sean whispered. “There’s no such a thing as peed...really bad. Pee is just pee. It comes out or it doesn’t, hon. It’s not really bad. Please stop beating yourself up every time you lose control. The doctor said you have other problems, not just trapped poop. The poop being out of the way, is probably making it easier for pee to come out, but that’s as it should be.” “Cait?” Eiboline whispered. “You want to know why I asked, hon?” “So you know how hard you have to do to get it clean?” “No, sweetheart. I don’t mind cleaning and to me, poop or pee, it’s nearly the same, but to you… poop is still a little hard to manage on your own. It’s messy and especially on yourself, it’s hard to get it all. I’d need to help. It’s only pee though, so this is what we are going to do, little one. Take off your skirt.” Cait undid her skirt and removed it. “And your underwears…,” she did. “Now, move to the dry half of the seat, little one. Auntie just wants you to see, you can manage.” “So, now, I put on clean stuff?” “Now, you’re getting it. You don’t need Auntie’s help at all to change your wet pants, do you, hon?” “The seat needs cleaned.” “We’ll worry about that later. Now, after you finish cleaning up, you go up to the bathroom, on your own, and you soap up a cloth and clean yourself and then dry it, and then pull your pants back up. Can you do that?” “What do I tell Mama?” “Nothing. I’ll tell her it was an eight hour drive. You’re going to freshen up, and while a lot of people think that means you’re going to pee, it’s not a lie. You are freshening up. You’re just cleaning the pee off your legs so you don’t feel icky.” “Okay.” As Mama came to the door, Cait looked down while Eiboline smile and hugged her. “How are you getting on?” “Oh, the little one inside is kicking!” “That’s as it should be,” Sean smiled. “Shows it’s going to be strong. Where’s himself, then?” “Well, he’s in town, isn’t he? Surely he told you he’d be working in town this summer. My letters explained all of that.” “Aye,” Sean frowned. “Well, Cait, go on up to the bathroom, pet,” Sean said in front of her mom. “Sean, she’s going to just pee all over the house. She can just….” “Maire! Dan made it clear to me that she’s our responsibility this summer. His rules don’t apply. If she messes something up, I have to pay for it, so if I send her to the bathroom, she goes.” “Alright. You’re right. Cait, do as your uncle says.” Eiboline looked at Sean, but Sean frowned at Eiboline and then he nodded at Cait’s hands which were shaking near her legs. “I’ll take the little pet up,” Eiboline whispered. “She’s just a little nervous.” Cait looked up. “Uncle-Daddy?” she whispered. Maire looked from Eiboline to Cait in shock. “What did you say?” “She’s a child, Maire,” Eiboline whispered. “Children say the things that make them feel safe. Don’t do this.” “Eiboline, she called him Daddy!” “She called him uncle-daddy, and honestly, that says more about Dan than it does Cait. Cait is a little kid. No little kid should feel the need to call anyone else daddy. She doesn’t call me, mommy, does she?” “How do I know that?” “Well, you can believe what you want…. But the truth is, that man, hasn’t even acted like a father to any of your children, and you know it! He’s got two little girls out there running a farm by themselves. That’s what we were told anyway. And he called his own daughter a liar first chance he got to talk to me!” Maire backed up. “I’ll just take Cait up,” Sean reached down and picked Cait up and started to carry her. “Are you going to pull her pants down and wipe her too?” Maire called up at them. “If he has to, he will,” Eiboline put an arm around her cousin. “Perhaps if a certain dad allowed her mother to do it when she was a lot younger, she wouldn’t need as much help!” And the noises of Mama and Auntie arguing faded into background noise as Cait started to see the multiple stains on the stairs going up…. There was the trail stain that went from her bedroom to the bathroom, and a multi-layered stain of yellow and darker rug material in front of the bathroom. The place where she’d peed so many times in her pants, that it was impossible to get clean. Then there was the bathroom. The old belt next to the tub reminded Cait of the rules that she doesn’t move when she’s peeing or else. There was the tub where daddy forced her clothes off of her nearly ripping them when she wasn’t fast enough, and the fact he scolded her the whole time he was cleaning her filth from her, or had Grainne doing it. Grainne did it more as she got older, but at least the belt didn’t come out as much as she got older… because it was Grainne handling her. She looked up into Uncle Sean’s face. “Go ahead, Cait,” he whispered. “As Auntie-grandma said, you can do this yourself. You’re a big girl. I can just wait outside….” “No.” Sean rose an eyebrow at her. “I won’t let anyone come in on you.” “I… I want you in. It feels… better… I… I can do it, if you stay.” Sean nodded. “You are still a big girl, Cait. I want you to know how much I trust you to be a big girl, and how proud of you, both your aunt and I are. So… how about this? I know this bathroom in particular is scary?” Cait looked down. Her voice was small. “Very scary, Uncle-Daddy! There’s the belt I’d get it if Daddy had to clean me up for pooping my pants or if I moved too much after I started to pee.” “That thing stays in here?” Uncle’s face crumpled. “Yeah.” “Oh, hell, no!” He picked it up and he jerked the window open and ripped out the screen. He dropped the belt down to the ground. “Let’s see if he can recover that thing. And if he so much as acts like he blames any of you girls, because none of you have the power to rip out the screen like that… well, let’s just say there are people that would like to talk to him, sweetheart.” “You… you ripped the window,” Cait frowned. “And I’d do it again. Don’t worry, I’ll pay for the screen, but not the damned belt. That thing had no place being in here. It’s no wonder you are so fu… um… scared of windows, baby.” “You can say ‘fuck’ Uncle. Daddy says it all the time when he’s mad.” “Now.” Uncle Daddy hugged Cait for a long moment before he released her. “Now, that stupid belt isn’t blocking the tub, is it, hon?” “No?” “Are you scared of the tub?” “Are you leaving the bathroom?” “Nope. I’ll just turn my back to give you some privacy. You are ten years old, little lady. Unless Uncle needs to help with something, like if you pooped your underwears or something… there is no reason for me to watch you naked, little lady. You go ahead and pull down your skirt and underwears and clean up, and if you want, I have all day… your shirt and undershirt, too, little lass.” Cait hugged him. “First. Thanks.” Then she started to run some water in the tub. If he’s going to let her wash off, then she wanted a bath, and he didn’t say no, either. Chapter 45 The World Is Turning, Still Light little steps stopped in front of the bathroom and a small little tapping was starting to register. Cait hadn’t heard it while the tap was full blast while she filled the tub. She hung her clean clothes up so she could put them back on because her wet things, mama never saw them. They left them in the car in a plastic bag, and they had told her, ‘Cait? Your dad left you with us. He doesn’t need to know you peed, little lady. It’s our job to look after you. He made that clear last weekend, so don’t tell him you peed. Is that okay?’ Cait was now in the tub, and this was definitely against Daddy’s rules, that she was taking a bath FIRST in THIS house, TODAY! She saw the ghost sitting on the toilet, it’s panties down and it was doing something Cait had never seen it do… it was peeing in the toilet. Well, she never saw it pee—it’s pants or in the toilet, but now, it was peeing in the toilet. Cait sighed deeply as she picked up a rag. “Grainne! Open up!” an urgent little voice called through the door. Now! I’ll just pee in the tub if you’re on the toilet. Please! I don’t want Daddy to catch me peeing my pants again!” “That’s Roisin,” Cait whispered to Uncle. “Let her in, fast. I don’t care if she sees. She’s gonna wet her pants!” Sean turned just a little, as though bringing his ear closer to her. “Cait, are you sure?” “Yes, Goddamn it!” Let my little sister pee in the toilet so she doesn’t get in trouble!” Sean quickly opened the door and he brought the child to the toilet and put her down by it. “You’re Uncle Sean?” Roisin suddenly shuddered and pee started pooling at her feet. Her hand went to her mouth and her eyes watered. Her head shook, her knees banged, she kept peeing. “Rossi,” Cait whispered from the tub. “Get the Bear, Rossi. Get Kookiberry. It’s okay, just finish peeing where you are. Daddy won’t be as mad if you don’t try to move. Uncle-Daddy? Kookiberry. Let her hold him!” “Roisin? That’s Kookiberry. He’s been potty training me with Uncle’s help, only he can’t fully do it yet. I have something really bad in my body, something that’s not me, and Uncle-Daddy knows it. And Kookiberry knows it. And the doctor knows it. That why we here, not to take you from Mama. Daddy wouldn’t do that. Mommy will know he’s cruel if he does that. He says you too little to be taken from mama yet. And the mess on the floor, you tell Daddy it was there when you got here, and tell him I did it.” “That’s ly…” “That’s sur-bible, little sis. He knows I pee my pants. He will blame me first, so you not doing nothing he won’t already think. You just hiding your own wet for now. You can’t help it, you have to. Daddy…. We threw his belt away. See?” Roisin frowned. “Where it go?” Her finger was in her mouth, and she was drooling. “It flew out the window, and it’s on the ground where all snakes belong. Not in the house.” Sean frowned. “Go get some clean clothes, miss. We’ll wash our your dirty stuff after you change. For all your dad knows, we got you wet with Cait taking a bath, and we just rinsed it out for you and hung it.” “You’re not yelling at Cait?” Roisin frowned up at Sean. “Why would I?” She sucked on her finger for a minute and then pulled it out. She pointed it at Cait. “Daddy said she’s bad, and she went to stay with you to learn to be good. She has to milk those big giant animals with horns that can stab you and kill you, and she has to be careful, but you’re strong, so you won’t let them kill her, but she’s still scared of them.” Cait narrowed her eyes. “What?” Sean whispered. “Now.” Cait nodded. Sean was telling her to keep the peace. Don’t mess with Daddy by telling her little sister too much or he might think she pushed for answers and get in trouble. “Well, you tell daddy the mess was on the floor when you came in, and you slipped on it, and you caught me taking a bath. Then you not lying. Everything’s true except the wet on the floor, only there was wet on the floor from the tub… so… you not lying at all, okay?” Roisin came back but she just carried her clean clothes. “She still gets bathed, especially if she pees,” Cait whispered to Uncle. “I’ll bathe her. Take her clothes for her. It’s okay. I’m giving you permission, and she’s my little sister. If mom wants to spank someone, she can spank me.” Roisin frowned. “You don’t have to….” “Who’s the big sister, Roisin?” “You?” “Then you have to do what I say unless Clo or Grainne come in and say different. Now let him take off your clothes, and you hug Kookaberry the whole time. You whisper to him you are scared. You tell him that you peed your pants. He’s a good listener, and he doesn’t mind if you pee your pants, okay?” As Cait put her little sister in the tub with her, and started to wash her hair, she whispered to her. “Uncle watches, and he doesn’t watch for me to be bad. He doesn’t care if I pee at the table, in front of the bathroom, or even getting out of bed and leaving trails.” “What?” Roisin asked. “He doesn’t look for bad Cait,” Cait told her. “He watches, but only to help. When I peed my pants, every single time, he picked me up and hugged me. He even put me in his lap in the middle of it.” “That’s gross.” Cait nodded. “I know. That’s what I’m telling you. He doesn’t mind the gross. He doesn’t hit for it, too. He hugs you until you don’t feel like crying. He lets Auntie give you a bath. He helps you dress if you ask. He carries you naked through the house to look out at the window after you are fully clean.” “He does?” “And Auntie tells you how to clean it up, so you don’t gotta look at shame all the time. She teaches you how to do stuff for your own. I peed in the car just outside, before we came in. They told me to change my own pants, and I did it!” “How come you in the bath if you changed?” “Auntie and Uncle said it feels better not to have ick on you, so they just said wash off, but Uncle told me to wash my chest, too, only if I wanted. Then I said I’m taking a bath, and he didn’t say no… so here we doing it. Full baths, together. No shame. No… no crying in front of me. I’m the sister that poops her pants, be member? You don’t feel shamed at me. I worse pottier. Be member that!” Cait frowned. “Roisin? You stop letting Daddy catch you being wet all the time.” “How?” “You run to Clo and to Grainne, and you make your hands open and close like this,” she showed grabby hands, “And you whisper to them that you peed. Grainne will understand that you feel shame now, and she’ll start protecting you. She didn’t know I felt shame at seven because I was too scared to tell anyone and Daddy kept being able to take me to the bath… and that means the belt. When you show you know shame and you don’t like Daddy to give you a bath… Daddy has to think you older and it’s time to give you new rules. So he won’t let you up in the morning, and you have to pee the bed on purpose, but you don’t get hit, and Grainne or Clo gives you baths, and they don’t hit.” “That will work?” “I think so. Dad started having Grainne bathe me and told me to stop trying to get up in the mornings to go because I pee the bed all the time. He did that when I turned ten, and Mommy and Daddy made me hear Mommy tell him I’m too old for him to bathe me. If you tell mama you feel funny Daddy doing it, Mommy will help you.” Cait washed her little sister’s back. “The doctor says I don’t poop my pants on purpose.” “Huh? I thought you did.” “Me, too. I even told the doctor I tried to get it to start, so I don’t hog the bathroom. He said that that’s not pooping on purpose. He said… I don’t really understand it all. He said I have a something called…. A… Hand in ya.” “A Hand in ya?” “Yeah. It’s your stomach stuff is in the wrong place it causes the poop to get strange and not come out right, and when it watery, it harder to stop, so you poop your pants from it.” “Oh.” “Do you have water-poop all the time?” “No?” “Sure?” “Yeah. It’s big and like this round, and like a lot of like mud-logs.” “Okay. If it gets watery-poops, and it happens a lot? You don’t let him call it being a flu. It’s only flu if it happens one time. If it comes back and cold season didn’t stop, but you stopped with cold, then you make Grainne write to us.” “Okay.” “Do you feel better?” Cait asked Roisin once she was clean. “Can I help you dress, or do you want to go find Mama?” “You do it. I don’t want Mama to know I didn’t make it.” Chapter 46 Control and Conflict Uncle-Daddy held me with my clothes now on, and Roisin walked with a hand on my leg and an arm with Kookaberry tucked in her elbow and her thumb in her mouth. The hall was quiet. As we reached the bottom of the steps, Mama was talking to Auntie-grandma. “Eiboline, I don’t have a choice. You and Sean were wonderful to take in Cait, but honestly, things are so messed up right now, there is no way you could fix everything if you wanted. Cait is the one that I was worried about. Just focus on her for now.” “Dear Maire. We’d make room for you and all the girls. You know that….” “I know. But don’t. Dan… he’s powerful. He’ll not only find us, but you’ll lose your farm.” “If he was that powerful, how did he lose his farm?” “I can’t tell you, Eiboline, and it’s not because I don’t know. It’s because it’s the wrong thing to do. Just trust me, he didn’t have to suffer, and he hasn’t lost it yet. He’s got the elder girls out there working on it right now.” Uncle Sean put me on the floor and he whispered. “We should go find your sisters while your Mama and Auntie are talking.” “They’re working,” Roisin popped her thumb out and handed me Kookaberry. As we came outside, I ran over as soon as I saw her, my littlest sister, Aoibhe. “Aoibhe!” I ran and tackled her to the ground tickling her. “How much did you miss me?” She was laughing and trying to scoot away immediately. Roisin came up on us, and she got that look in her eye, the one that told little sister… it’s little sisters against the big sister!” “Wait! No. I didn’t even tickle you!” But it was war of tickles for several minutes until we were all laughing. When the tickling was done, and the gasping had faded, Cait helped both of her sisters up. “I still pee,” Cait told her sisters. “But I’m not scared to do it no more. I’m not scared to say I did it. And I’m not sorry that I do it.” Both of her sisters looked at her with their fingers in their mouths. “I’m your big sister. Daddy can’t hurt me no more, and Daddy is going to not hurt you, neither. He doesn’t control you, if you don’t let him. He can hit. He can yell. He can scare us with words, but the can only scare us, if we let him.” Aoibhe frowned. “What?” “Uncle Sean got rid of his belt. I can say ‘fuck’ too. Daddy doesn’t scare me.” The sisters looked at each other. “Cait,” Sean put a heavy hand on her shoulder. “Don’t speak too boldly in front of him. You are safe, but your sisters are still here, baby. A siege takes months, not days, Cait-i-kins!” “But, a sage is you get one thing at a time that the evil lord needs and stop it. He needs us scared. I just teach not to let scared of words. Belt is real. But if sisters pee pants on purpose, he doesn’t that power on them. They hold each one and another, and Daddy says you baby, but they look me, and I not baby. And I don’t sorry I peed. That how safe work?” Sean sighed. “If you corner a snake, it will bite, Cait. You need to teach them to let some things slide and to defend themselves when it hurts, like you told the older one to have Grainne write to us if one of them gets watery-poops. That’s something they can do that won’t corner the snake, as long as the snake doesn’t know.” “Oh.” “Where are your sisters?” Sean asked the elder Roisin. “They had to go to the far field today. Daddy said must cut up the grass up there and get field for fall stuffs that grow.” “Well, Cait, what do you say we go help your sisters?” “They won’t let me. They’ll be scared of Daddy being mad.” “Daddy said you are my responsibility and I’m saying you can help. He has no say. And he’s not here, and he has children trying to run an adult’s work. He isn’t in charge. He has to be present to be in charge, Cait.” “Okay.” We walked towards the field, and even my little sisters were walking with us. Sean didn’t shoo them away or tell them that they were too small. As the four of them crested a small hill, they could see both sisters with small curved sharp tools, whacking at the tall grass. The hay was still not in. This was proof. The big girls were trying to do it with old fashion tools because they couldn’t be trusted with a machine that could kill a child if something went wrong. Sean started to call out to them. “Lassies! Little ladies! Hey!” Cait ran ahead towards Grainne. It seemed to take quite some time to get there. Cait figured the hands on the clock, the big one, must have moved 3 whole numbers from the time she saw the small shadowing things in the fields until she hugged Grainne from behind. She paused and backed up. Her mouth hung open. Her legs shook. Her thumb went to her mouth. Grainne dropped the small tool with a blade into the grass. She fell on the ground, and was looking up at Cait. Giant tears were in her eyes. Cait was staring down as her sister lay in the uncut grass looking up at her. The noises further away showed that Sean and the little sisters had met with Clodagh. “Grainne?” Cait whispered, a tightness in her throat and a strange strong scary rise within her chest seemed to wrestle with her throat insides. “What… what happened?” “Don’t tell Daddy,” Grainne whimpered up at Cait her face red and her eyes closed tight as though she was ready for the belt. “Daddy said it has to be all done by today! We were too slow this week. We had a week, and Daddy said we didn’t even do nothing, so he’s gonna be extra mad if we don’t get it done.” Cait scratched her head. Why does the field needing to be done have anything to do with how her sister’s butt felt. It wasn’t just wet. It was… Grainne would be in so much trouble! “Daddy-Sean! Help!” Cait suddenly turned to him. “Daddy-Sean! Please! Grainne in trouble!” He came running over with Clodagh, and she had a soaking wet skirt on. “Daddy said they’ll get it if we don’t get this field done today,” Cait told Sean. “What nonsense! Two children? All of this?” “Daddy would do that,” Cait told him putting her hands on her hips. “Grainne pooped her pants, and she’s scared he’s going to know she did.” “Nonsense. No one needs to know that happened. Roisin? You wanted to help, didn’t you?” “Yeah?” “Go to your sister’s drawers and get her clean pair of panties and a clean skirt. Can you?” “Come on, Aoibhe!” “Girls? Get Clo some clean clothes, too!” They gave a thumbs up. “Cait, take your big sister over there, and wait with her. Clo, come here, hon. How long you kids been out here?” Clo shrugged. “It’s hot.” Sean walked over to the silo where the hay goes, and he sat with the three elder sisters. “Grainne? Get those messy things off. It’s not good for you. I won’t watch, and you can hid in the hay if you want, but you get those messy clothes off, okay?” “I can’t take my pants off outside! Dad will have a cow?” “Too late,” Sean smirked. “I already have a bunch of them. Now take those off and not another single word about your Dad. He’s not here right now. You are children. I am your uncle. I am in charge. That’s the end of it.” Cait nodded and walked over and started to help Grainne. “What are you doing, Cait? You’ll get gross on you!” “That’s what you do when someone needs help,” Cait told her looking her in the eye. “You can wash off gross, but feelings are harder to wash away. You are a person, first, and my big sister! I’m not letting you sit there in those messy panties another minute, and I’m not going to have you doing this all by your alone. I know what it feels like, and I also learned what it feels like to have someone care.” “What?” “Uncle-Sean-Daddy! He holds you when you pee your pants, Grainne. He would hold you, if he wasn’t trying to be careful your feelings of you wanting to be a big girl.” “You’re lying. No one holds gross girls!” “Am I? You wait and see what he does next time I pee my pants.” Grainne frowned. “I hope he’s not teaching you to be bad. You got sent away to learn to be good. If you are bad, he might get rid of you for real next time, with someone we don’t even know!” “Daddy can’t because Uncle Sean is already here to take me until December. I saw a doctor.” “That’s a waste of time. Daddy says so. You are a baby, that’s why you pee your pants.” “That’s not what the doctor says, Grainne. But I forgive you. You don’t know no better than what Daddy tells you.” “Cait, help your big sister. Just because she’s a little older doesn’t mean that cleaning off poop is easy. Just get her as clean as you two can. It’ll be okay. Clo, you get your panties changed. Little ones, come and let Uncle show you a fun game called “Let’s gather the straw!” When the sisters came back with clean clothes, and the elder kids were all good again, Cait was working with Clo. Sean was working with Grainne. They were making better time in the field now that the big sisters weren’t in shame. And the little sisters, though their hands were so small, they grabbed the bits of straw from the ground and threw it into the silo. “Now,” Sean leaned in to the five children as the sun set on the horizon threatening to take the light out of the day. “I have one shiny quarter for each of you who works until sun down, getting as much hay in the silo as you can, but you need to do it separately so I know who to give an extra quarter to. Then, he winked at Cait. Cait winked back. As they brought the hay in, Cait hid out inside, and she kept mixing the different piles together, and when the sun set, the girls came in, and they looked one to the other. “Our piles are mixed up!” Sean walked in behind them, and while he scratched his head, he winked over at Cait again. Cait winked back again. “Well, dang. I know I saw five little girls hard at work. But this bigger nice pile looks so much better than five little disorganized piles! That’s teamwork, that is. You know? Since we have no idea whose pile is bigger now, I have no choice but to give you all two quarters a piece!”

I am going to post 41 to 46. I was told there were some bad typos that can make reading it hard or change the meaning. As if Cait's way of thinking and talking aren't phonetically hard enough. But those mispellings are not mistakes, they are her character.

Chapter 37 The Other Ghost “Are you ready, pet?” Auntie Eiboline asked the squirming jumping excited ten year old that was bouncing even as she pulled on her weller boots. “Always,” her eyes shined in excitement and child-like wonder. “I love getting the water with Auntie-grandma!” “Auntie-grandma, huh?” Eiboline laughed. “Yeah. Because you are just like Grandma making stuff like muffins that are better than store bought, never really mad, but still expecting good girl stuff from me, and always teaching not just normal stuff, but stuff kids want to know. I love you so much!” Auntie seemed to tighten her hands around her own pail handle, and she stiffened for a second, and then she relaxed in a heavy breath. “Now….” Cait raced outside, just to the end of the drive but didn’t touch the gate. She looked into the fields beyond trying to squint to see Dairy-Daddy or Daddy Sean remembering he promised to have the lands ready for her to see tonight, but she still has a lot of growing up to do before he can let her wander, and it’s not about her being bad, but about her not knowing how to understand the animals in a way that makes them alarms and protectors against… the belt. Cait couldn’t help seeing a long thick strap that bit through her flimsy dresses and skirts and little girl panties leaving her sore, but having a great two teethed head that would sink it’s poison or… Uncle Sean called it… what? Ven…, ven…. She knew it was ven-some-what’s-it.... But it would be worse, and he didn’t want that belt to hit her. He was protecting her from the belt. The truth she didn’t tell Uncle, she liked the boy underwears because it was thick against belts, too, and so, too, were the boy jeans she happily wore around the farm. They were safer… in case the belt did come out. “Cait? Wait for Grandma-Auntie, hon,” Eiboline took the name upon herself seemingly natural after the exchange in the mud room. “There’s still dangers out there, pet!” “I know,” Cait turned and faced Auntie Eiboline. “I was just looking to see if I could see Uncle-Daddy out there!” The tall lady smiled down at her, the wrinkles were like lines of deep embedded promises of ‘If you pee, you tell me, you don’t sit in pee, you just change and we keep playing.’ They were promises that Cait wasn’t dirty. Auntie-grandma had even pinned Kookaberry to her, and made sure the bear couldn’t touch the ground before they got ready to go to the well. The long heavy gate groaned as Auntie Eiboline pulled it open and both she and Cait entered a small space created at one end of it, and then Auntie closed the gate. Cait didn’t understand why the gate had to stay closed. Looking around the field here, she didn’t see any animals large enough nearby that would be stopped by the gate, but she didn’t say anything. Her eyes immediately looked forward down the path that led to the hill where she knew she could see more of the farm. They walked, was it fifty steps? Was it a hundred? Cait knew it couldn’t have been two hundred. But she suddenly noticed that Auntie stopped and put her free hand on Cait’s shoulder. “Quiet love.” They were nearly even from to the right of the trail, that wild tangled fenced in jungle-grass field. Then they heard something in the grass. It seemed to make a sound like someone shaking leaves on a fallen stick that was covered like a branch. Wssst. “Cait. Hon. Don’t move. Stay still. I don’t know where it is,” Auntie was whispering. “Those things can hear you when you walk. It hasn’t done anything yet, so that means we are either not quite close enough for it to react, or it’s just trying to get away.” Shht! Whish. Shht. She stood there, her hand gripping Kookaberry tight, and the pail, being plastic and a child’s toy, barely made any sound at all as it fell from the frozen child’s grasp. The one skill that she had down, was the ability to freeze. Some snakes had a brown color, right? A copper-brown? Was copper light tan? Cait shivered. What was in the grass. Do Snakes slither through it quickly? Could she outrun it? Uncle Sean-Daddy and Auntie-grandma Eiboline told her to freeze if she saw a snake. It is probably too fast to out-fast-run it. Please… don’t be…. A small little whine came from somewhere behind them. “Shadow? Is that you?” Auntie asked over the grass. The body still slithered in and out of tall grass, but eventually came into view just feet from Cait. It looked at her with those large brown eyes. Cait looked at Auntie. “Yes, Cait. You can go talk to her. If she’s not growling, there are no snakes to be worried about.” “Clever girl,” Cait asked Shadow. “Were you hunting the snakes and making sure they weren’t sending spies. That why you sneaking around? To protect us from Ninja snakes?” The old dog looked up at her with those brown eyes that said… I’m just doing dog stuff. I don’t hurt or trick humans. I warn humans. I watch humans, and if I must, I’ll take a bite for a human. That’s what Cait whispered to Auntie that the eyes said. “If you say so, child. You know they say a child can read a dog’s heart a lot easier than an old lady like me. But I will tell you this, she has stopped me stepping on a great snake, and she will watch you, too, if you listen to her, Cait.” “I wish she could sleep in my room,” Cait looked up at Auntie-grandma while rubbing Shadow as she walk along side them up the hill. “No, you don’t,” Auntie Eiboline whispered. “If she darted into your room, she’s knock over all of your bedroom town, and she’d bump my dresser with the still posed farm set on it.” “I never thought old people supposed to like toys,” Cait whispered. Auntie frowned and looked down. “Well, people don’t get to tell us what we do in our house, Cait. We don’t let them hurt your feelings no more, and they will not take that farm scene down no matter how nasty their words are.” “You really like that farm scene,” Cait observed, her voice quiet as she looked up at Auntie who looked as though she was looking out past the road beyond. Cait sighed. Auntie sighed. “Yes, it’s important not only to me, Cait. But someday, when you’re bigger….” She started to walk again towards the well, down the hill and to the tree. Cait’s hand went around Auntie’s back and she hugged her. Cait didn’t know why, but she felt like Auntie needed a hug, and she just did it, just like Auntie just gave her a bath, or Auntie just made her juice without asking. It was something that was easy to see. Cait wanted Juice, and Cait knew that Auntie-grandma wanted a hug. They walked slow with Cait’s little arm behind Auntie’s waist and down the hill they walked, pails swaying and Shadow now starting to lead the way, it’s nose seemingly pointing the way. Arriving at the well, Auntie-grandma took Kookaberry and tied him high on a branch. “He won’t get wet up there while we are here,” Auntie told Cait. “Don’t play near the well, but there is plenty of field where I can see from here, if you want to play with Shadow over there. Just freeze if Shadow growls and you don’t know why.” “What about my bucket?” “We’ll fill it before we leave the well, Cait. You play with Shadow, love. Shadow has been without a child’s love since… well, for a while.” “You were going to say since the boy went away,” Cait looked at Auntie. “How come you don’t talk to me about it?” “It’s just adult stuff, little lady. It’s not something we should bother children with. Go play?” Cait nodded. “Okay. But I know you letting me wear the clothes… I heard you and Uncle the first time you put me in these. I know. These are from twelve years ago, and the clothes are special to you, but you put them on me. I have to tell you that I know that much. It would be like lying if I didn’t.” “Cait? Sometimes, you don’t have to say everything you know,” Auntie whispered. “Sometimes, it’s okay not to say everything. Sometimes, it’s easier for someone not to hear what you know, even if you know something. It’s more important that you don’t say things that you don’t know the whole story to… otherwise… it might hurt.” Cait looked up at Auntie. She wasn’t scolding. Her voice wasn’t harsh and her eyes weren’t locked on to her as if to target something fragile. Actually, her voice was sounding sorrowful and sad. She sighed and nodded her head over where she told Cait to play a moment ago. “Just go play with Shadow, Cait.” Shadow laid on her back and as Cait rubbed her belly, her eyes glanced over at the well where Auntie Eiboline was drawing water. “You are tongue-breathing a lot,” Cait whispered to Shadow. “Is it so hot for a dog already?” Shadow didn’t seem to respond to Cait though. She just watched Eiboline so carefully, that eventually, Cait followed the dog’s eyes, and she saw something green in the grass. It had a white thing on it. “What’s that, Cait asked Shadow. Shadow licked Cait’s hand, but pulled her playfully down by the loose sleeve of her arm. Cait giggled. “I’ll get you down.” It was a few minutes of rough play that landed Cait on her butt laughing when she looked over at Auntie again. She was staring off towards the house again, only, Cait didn’t think it was the house. “Auntie?” Cait whispered. “Is it time to go back?” “You can play a little more, if you want.” Suddenly, Cait caugh a lint of silver-like metal on Shadow’s collar. It was a small tag in the shape of a heart. -I belong to Ron Kinsella- was written on the first line. -Call, and it had a telephone number- Was the boy’s name Ron? Sean was Uncle-Daddy and Eiboline was Auntie-grandma. Who else would Ron be, but the lost boy. But then…. The dog was actually the boy’s dog, not so much Uncle or Auntie’s dog, right? “That’s why,” Cait whispered to Shadow. “Auntie hasn’t really been over-friendly to you, has she? She gives you supper and she doesn’t shoo you, but she doesn’t talk to you. It’s kind of like if ‘Ford’ Daddy’s car were real, as in alive, I couldn’t want to talk to it. It’s… it’s him. But at the same time, I wish I knew why Daddy didn’t love me.” Shadow licked her hand. “Except, I don’t think it’s she doesn’t love you, is it? It’s that she’s… she’s (apposed to) be strong, and she can’t if she likes you, so she pretends you are just something she feeds, but deep down, if you ran away, she’d… she’d not let you go.” Shadow nuzzled her in the chest. “You… you stay not for the food, but because of the boy, right? I watched Gray-Feri-yahs something. It was on last Christmas. A dog loved a man so much, he’d have starved on the dead buried spot if someone didn’t feed him. Yeah, it’s called Gray-Feri-yahs Boby.” Shadow looked at Cait, and Cait whispered into it’s ears. “I know about you dogs, you know. All you animals, actually. I know you only look like you are one four legs because your real ways would scare us, and you don’t want to scare us, so you stay on four legs even around children because that’s the way parents tell us you are. But I know. You are really smart, just like people. You probably have some kind of job, too, that we don’t know about, right?” “Shadow,” Cait frowned. “How often do the Snakes attack? Do you know what they want on the farm?” She looked into Shadow’s eyes. “You not allowed to talk human, are you? But if you could somehow give me something I could understand, maybe I’d be able to help you set up traps or something to keep them out, like Uncle does with the bulls and moving the animals around?” Shadow sat up and breathed heavily at Cait, as if each little breath from its pant(ies)… was some whispered word that it hoped Cait could pick up on. “How old are you, anyway?” Cait asked Shadow, but again, she was quiet except for her (panties), a word that once again, Cait just knows people say something like it to describe a dog with its tongue out in the heat, but in Cait’s world, these were actually whispered words that maybe traveled more than half the farm away for another dog or some other animal to pick up on and know what Shadow sees. “Cait,” Auntie finally waved the girl over. “I was talking to Shadow,” Cait looked up at Auntie. “She shared some secrets.” “She did?” Auntie smiled. “Just remember, now is one of those times it’s okay to keep something to yourself until the right time. You don’t have to say everything you’re thinking, pet.” “I know. But I can still hug you on the way back home. Can I?” “Sure. What harm?” My toes bumped the green thing in the grass that Shadow had seen and led me to see. It was a cracked, broken, old pail just like the one I had for fetching water with Auntie. I decided I best not draw attention to it. Auntie probably isn’t ready to see it, yet. “I’ll just get Kookaberry from the tree, and then we can go back, Cait-a-kins.” “You don’t have to hurry, Auntie. I want to talk to Shadow on the way back anyway, so take your time. I’m not allowed out here by myself until Uncle has the safe stuff done.” “That’s right,” Auntie smiled. “We can take it slow, Cait.” We walked up over the hill, and my hand was around Auntie’s waist. Shadow walked a few feet in front of us, now, instead of like yesterday, further behind us. She was accepted, well, I think she knew I accepted her, and she was protecting us as if she had a job again. Dogs are secret, angels, in case you don’t know. We walked down the hill, and for a moment, Auntie stopped maybe 150 feets from the back door and she looked towards that old wild fenced in field that was so nicely trimmed around it. And as I looked through the heavy tangled grass, and the wild stuff there, it was like something was hidden. There was this little pole that was really hard to see, but as I stared into the grass, it was there, alright. It had a piece like a small ‘t’ maybe three parts of the whole was four up, and I blinked my eyes. You aren’t allowed to bury people or pets on your land. Cait stepped back and let go of Auntie, who seemed to do a symbol of the small ‘t’ in the air. She mumbled something, and then she looked down at me. “I will have to explain, but right now….” “It’s like I’m not ready to be fully use the toilet. I can pee my pants if I want, and you can hold your heart close a little more, until we both ready, right?” “I guess… yeah, that’s what I’m asking of you. Give me time to hold this a little longer, but I know I’ll have to tell you someday. Just not today.” Cait smiled. “I won’t ask again until you say something, then. I will just pee my pants until I can not do it no more, and you can carry this pre-something until you don’t need to pre-do it no more, too.” Chapter 38 My own Space Outside, Not a Little Corner, a Real Yard! Cait and Eiboline arrived in the mudroom with Shadow hanging around the door looking in at them. “Cait, leave the door open for her,” Eiboline said. “Just to see if she wanders in on her own. We still need to make limits. I don’t want her going upstairs right now, but the kitchen, the living room, the mud room and the main hall… that’s okay.” Cait nodded and propped the screen door open for Shadow. “Cait,” Cait turned and saw her Uncle walking through the door in the kitchen. “It’s ready. I have a trail for you, but… there will still be rules. But for now, do you want to see where you can go on the farm?” Auntie nodded. “Go ahead, Cait. I need a few minutes and your Uncle has been working his tail off to give you this. Please go with him, love.” I looked up. “Okay.” And then I silently lifted my arms towards Uncle-Daddy. “Lift me?” He kissed my cheek, but rather than defiantly brush it off as ‘gross,’ I smiled. It wasn’t gross when he showed me how much he cared. And I hugged him closer. He had a barrel like chest that felt so sturdy, that I didn’t think even a twister could pull me from his protective embrace. “I’ve cleared out a field for you Cait. It’s a small little corral that’s been repurposed so you can lie there and watch me when you feel like just taking a break or wandering. It’s still small, I know. But it’s all I can do for now. I don’t want you going anywhere without your Auntie or me besides the house and this little field until I’m sure you can talk to the animals the same as I can.” “So, you believe they aren’t even stuck in four legs and dumb sound makers?” Cait looked up at Uncle wide-eyed. “Well, let’s just say that I know they aren’t just noise makers, and I know that they communicate with one another, Cait. But it’s not magical. You just have to learn their way of talking.” “Oh.” He put me down carefully on the path. “I want you to walk, love, so you can learn the path to the field made just for you. You can relax, and it has a gate to it that you can open and close for yourself. It’ll keep the bigger animals out until you get used to them, then you can leave your gate open as you get used to your animal friends.” “Uncle Daddy?” “Yes, Cait-a-kins?” “You and Daddy and you…? You don’t say wander for the same thing?” “What do you mean, Cait?” “Daddy says wander is when I go somewhere and because I’m not supposed to be there. You said you made me a pen to wander to….” She put a finger on her chin, and tapped her chin with strong purpose while she was thinking this loudly enough to talk to Uncle about it. “Well, little miss… Wandering can get you in trouble if you don’t pay attention to where you are going, but it doesn’t have to just mean going to places that get you in trouble. It really just means going somewhere without any real reason to go there. Sometimes explorers wander, and that’s how they discover places that can even change the world.” “Really? But if ex-plod-ers can ex-change the word, how come people tell kids to stop ex-ploding places?” Uncle Daddy bent down and touched her nose. “Well, most of the time, adults just want to protect their little ones even when they are big enough to wander, but in my case, I want to make sure you are safe from all kinds of dangers, not just snakes. As soon as you assume a Dairy farm, or any farm, really, is just a place to explore, and you forget that there are other beings there, you put yourself in danger.” “Okay.” “You know I wouldn’t keep you from going places that I feel safe letting you explore or that wouldn’t get you in trouble, don’t you?” Cait looked up into his eyes for moments. They were grey-blue and they were looking into her eyes with all the seriousness of the word (world). “Yeah. I know.” She had only said after studying his eyes for maybe an (hour)…. There was a pole on a the trail, and it was like the same little pole had like two small ‘t’ crossings on it. One end of one ‘t’ points back to the house, and it had a small picture on it of a house. Then there was the same bar of that ‘t’ that pointed down the way that I could tell was the hill to the well. And he painted a glass of water on it. Then another ‘t’ bar had one end pointed off but it had a red X and then the other end of that bar, it had a girl on it. “Can you read this sign?” Uncle asked me. “It don’t got no words on it.” “It has pictures, though, Cait. What’s this picture?” and he pointed at the house. “It a house.” “That’s our house, and then he taught me. These three places are where you are allowed to go, but you don’t go to the water place, the well by yourself yet. You go with Auntie until we feel comfortable with you being alone. When I’m in the field, you can go to this place, and that little girl is you and that means that it leads to your little pen where you’ll be safe. The red X, you never ever go there until I know you can actually understand the animals around you.” “Oh, okay. But how come you said can I read it? It still just pictures.” “Cait, there are lots of ways to read. Remember the picture books Auntie had you look at at the library?” “Yeah?” “You were reading. And maps often have little pictures because sometimes, pictures are better for reading maps than words all over it.” “So, even big people read by pictures, sometimes?” “Sometimes, Cait.” “Uncle Sean? What if I peed my pants but I’m too busy looking at ants in my pen?” He patted her shoulder. “It’s alright, love. Remember, you’re just not potty trained yet, and sometimes, we all forget to do things when we are caught up in the moment. I’m the adult. If I notice it’s lunchtime and you haven’t come to get me to take you potty or to change your pants for you, then it’s my job to make sure you get cleaned up before you eat. Eating in poopy panties doesn’t feel good, does it?” Cait looked up at him. “No. But how come you can know that?” “You don’t think I’ve never pooped my pants before?” he chuckled. “Sure, it’s been a while, but you don’t forget things like that, Cait. Someday when you are big enough to have a little girl yourself, you will have a chance to remember how it feels and a chance to make a choice about what you think she needs more, to comfort her or to correct her. You, I am sure, will do the right thing, but the right thing doesn’t always look the same to different children. You’ll see.” “Does daddy try to tell me strong because he thinks I need to not be like this… stoo….” “Cait? No! Change that word, little lady,” his voice was stern. “I mean he thinks I shouldn’t pee my pants because I can’t read?” Sean sighed and he bent down. “I don’t know everything going on in that man’s head, Cait. I do know he’s wrong, and he’s trapped in his wrongness. He really thinks those things about you, and I don’t understand why. The way he talked in the kitchen last weekend about you. He’s not being mean. He’s just… he’s trapped, little lady. He doesn’t know what to do, and you are too little to help him. I’ll tell you one thing though. That grown up drink he likes too much doesn’t help his thinking.” “That’s why you don’t drink it?” “I do drink it, sometimes, Cait. But I never make important choices when I’m drinking it. I find a safe place where I won’t bother people with it, and I only drink there, and nowhere else.” “Daddy has it at funny loud restaurants that are like places that are not like yesterday. Those restaurants don’t really have food… that I want to eat. It just has drinks and drinks and drinks. I can get cola there, sometimes, but it has awful stuff that Daddy even pushed me to drink one or two (times), but I don’t like it.” “Now. There will be no pushing adult drinks on little ones here,” Uncle told her. “There’s plenty of time for you to explore that when you are ready. You are a child for a short fifteen years or so, and then you a big person for over sixty years. You have more than enough time to think about big people drinks to not ruin your life as a child.” “I know.” He led me into the pen that he called small, but we walked along it, and it was bigger than the house. It was bigger than the playground at school. It was so huge. It was all dirt and a little short grass, but there was no big grass at all anywhere. There were these little fence things that were like tiny little wires and circles and something that went all the way up to the first of the five boards that went across the fence to keep things out, and me in. “That’s chicken wire,” Uncle told me. “It’ll discourage snakes because it’s higher and more trouble to get over than just moving around it. It’s not a for sure thing that always works, so make sure when you come in, you scan the ground first for anything that doesn’t look right. If you see something on the ground that you don’t know what it is, you come and get me. If you have Shadow with you, she’ll let you know if it’s something she doesn’t like.” “Okay.” Then Cait hugged him tight. “It’s the best thing I ever been given—ever! Thank you, Uncle Daddy!” My underwears felt warm and a little sticky and wet. I think I got pre-pee in them, but I didn’t remember doing it. But I looked up at Uncle’s face and then Auntie’s face, and I suddenly didn’t care. I just stared for a moment. “Well, we should get back to the house so we can give our little love some lunch and have her use the toilet,” Auntie said. I looked down, spread my legs a little, for all the good that would do wearing pants and not a skirt, but still… habit. And I looked up and shivered for a second. “You’re not going to just do it, right here bold as day, in front of (chomp). The ghost stopped talking as I pushed a little and pee started to fill my underwears and then darken my pants. I was looking up at Auntie while I just stood there, peeing my pants. Daddy would have said I was a brat. Auntie smiled. “Actually, I guess she’ll just need some clean clothes then.” Uncle Daddy bent down and lifted my chin to his eyes, and he smiled while I was still peeing. “Brave girl. That’s right, hon. You take charge of when you’re going to wet your pants if you think it’s too hard to get back to the house. No shame, here, little one.” I smiled. I peed even harder now flooding the ground around my feet, and after it stopped coming out, Dairy Daddy picked me up and carried me back to the house. Uncle took me upstairs and he started to strip my icky wet pants and underwears down, but then he froze. We were in the bathroom, and I don’t know what he didn’t like, but I could feel a shift, not anger but just seriousness. “Eiboh! Come up here, please. Now?” It scared me that his now sounded more like a plea than his normal strong way that sounded more like he expected things. Auntie came in. “Her Underwears,” he passed them to Auntie. “This child has another runs accident and didn’t seem to notice. Have you taken her to the toilet and seen her poop normal, yet?” “Well, I mean, I don’t watch her every second. I assumed she was like most ten year olds and didn’t just poop her pants.” “But she was messy the other day like this. Eiboh, if she is not pooping like she should be… maybe she needs to see a doctor.” I looked up at Uncle Sean. “I… I didn’t mean to do it.” “Cait, no one is mad at you, little miss. I’m worried. Every time I’ve seen you poop, it’s been messy, not like just solid stuff in your pants.” I shrugged. “Sometimes, some thicker stuff comes, when my tummy hurts.” “Sometimes, but how often does this wet stuff come out?” “I think every time? I wasn’t sure if it was coming out earlier at the well, but I didn’t feel it exactly until something was in my underwears. I thought it was just pre-pee?” Auntie frowned. “Now I think about it, I don’t think she has ever gone to the toilet without me knowing, and I have noticed stains on her underwears, but until now, just thought it was not wiping good.” “Eiboh. We need to do better. We can’t assume she knows anything right now about going potty. And now, with this, I don’t think she should be going on her own. We need to watch this, that is, if the doctor doesn’t do something else about it first.” “We should take her to see the doctor.” “I’m going to call Arnold. You get Cait a bath so we can take her to see a doctor. It will be telling if she messes up another pair of underpants on the way there. We’ll take these with us, too, just in case. I don’t know what is going on, and it’s scaring me, Eiboh.” “Alright, well call Arnold. I’ll get Cait a bath.” “I didn’t mean to ….” “You didn’t do anything, sweetheart,” Auntie kissed my cheek as she helped me get my shirt off. “This is just something we should have caught earlier. It’s not normal to poop like this, and it’s not your fault. You are probably sick or something, Cait.” “I don’t feel sick.” “It’s okay, Cait. You are just too used to something that should have been treated probably before you came to stay with us. Just let me clean you up, child. And don’t be scared, okay? We’ll get to the bottom of this and help you.” “Okay.” Chapter 39 So… This? Auntie put me in some clean underwears and the put pajamas on me. I didn’t ask. I never really been to a doctor before. I just knew they were scared, and I saw Auntie getting some extra underwears for me and an extra pajama bottoms for me. “You’re allowed to poop your pants, Cait,” Auntie told me as she dressed me. “This is about finding out why you can’t control it, Cait. It’s not shame, okay?” I frowned and nodded. “Okay.” “Baby, you are going lie in the car this time and you can suck your thumb. No need to tell us if you pee again, baby. We’ll know because the doctor has to see. I’ll have to tell the doctor about the day you came and all your accidents because these are important clues to figuring out how hard your physical problems are, love.” “So, he has to know I pooped in the bath twice?” “Yes, sweetheart. It’s the only way he can understand what is happening to you. You won’t be in trouble, little lady. We just want to help you. You shouldn’t be struggling with runs every time you need to use the toilet, okay?” “Okay.” They laid me in the car, and Auntie sat in back with me, my head in her lap. “Suck your thumb, sweetheart.” I smiled up at her. She kept telling me to do it, and once I started to do it, I realized more than ever, that I needed to do it now, of all the times I’d ever done it, this was… it was calming more than I knew. I felt some pre-pee again. I just hoped it wasn’t poop. Sean had the little girl in his arms about forty minutes later, and they were walking into the emergency room of a hospital. Auntie Eiboline called out “Help! Now!” There in the lobby. The little redhead’s eyes were closed and she was breathing heavily, as though she were asleep. There was something squishy that seeped brown liquid down to the floor where Sean held the little girl. A nurse came over. “What happened? What is the emergency?” “I don’t exactly know what the emergency is,” Sean admitted. “But she’s been having runs all week, and no solid poops that we are aware of. This on top of a lot of other things since she came to stay with us. We need a doctor to figure out what is going on with her. We found her with a mess in her underpants earlier just before lunch…. Well, to not shame her worse because I don’t know if she’s awake or not, it’s enough to know that her little body isn’t going to the bathroom like a normal ten year old’s body, and it’s nothing to do with her being different in the way she thinks.” The nurse nodded. “It’s just been this week?” “I don’t think so,” Sean frowned. “What do you mean, you don’t think so? Haven’t you been keeping an eye on your daughter?” Sean sighed. “She’s a relative. She’s staying with us for the summer, and we just got her on Saturday. She’s been really struggling with a lot of things, to be honest, but this one… it’s not normal. You’d have to ask her how long she’s been pooping her underwear and how long it’s been nearly always liquid like this.” “Well, I don’t know if the doctor can see her without a legal guardian’s presence.” “Well, tell them that she’s had the runs for a week, and that she didn’t even notice she’d pooped her pants this last last time.” The nurse frowned. “Do you have anyway to contact her parents?” “I do,” Eiboline responded. I was breathing heavy, and I had my eyes closed. It was the only way I could cope. My hands were tight around Kookaberry. I felt more stuff go in my pants… not pee. I hate pooping my pants! The nurse gave the guardians some papers to fill out and then she went back into the little window office where she talked animatedly with others. “Cait, hon?” Sean whispered. “I’m sorry to wake you, but we need help on these forms.” “I can’t read,” Cait whispered. “I know,” Sean patted her now dirty back. The mess was all over her back. She was in dire discomfort. But he had to be patient. The hospital had to know a much as possible before they’d see her. They didn’t seem to think this was an emergency. “When’s your birthday, Cait?” “November fifth?” “Good girl,” Sean whispered while Auntie wrote it down. Cait felt more stuff leak in her underwears and pool in Uncle’s lap. “How long have you been pooping your pants?” “Do I have to?” Cait nearly whined. “They won’t know enough without knowing a time frame.” “Can’t I just say when I started to not always make it and it was more water than poop? Do I have to tell them that the teachers in second grade and third grade thought I was just….” Sean sighed. “When did it become water-like, and you had trouble feeling it come out, Cait?” “Um… this year? I think just after Christmas was the first time I had the runs for a few days. Daddy said I just had the flu. But then I had the runs again like before February. Daddy said I just didn’t get over the flu yet.” Sean whispered. “That stupid….” but stopped himself. “Cait, when was the first time you remember pooping your pants at school… even first or second grade?” “Second grade? I think. I just remember sitting there… peeing coming out in my chair for a minute, and I put my hand down not wanting the teacher to know I went in my pants… and then a second later, it started to poop myself. I was so scared. It was like hours… but someone noticed, a kid, before we went to recess. He told the whole class I sat there and pooped in my chair. I could only look down at the desk top, scared.” “Did you know you were pooping that time?” “Yeah. I kind of did it on… well, not purpose exactly. I was trying to keep it in because I knew Daddy would be mad if I pooped my panties, and I would lose all my friends if I did that. I already only had three friends because I was the only pee pee pants baby.” “You listen to me, Cait,” Sean whispered desperately. “Ruth saw you, hon. She knows you’re not a baby, and she doesn’t mind if you poop your panties. You focus on that, if you need validation that going potty whether in undies or the toilet is a nice way to decide if people can be friends. You wouldn’t have wanted those people that called you names to be your friends, anyway, love. Trust me, I’ve had ‘friends’ in the past that I could have done without.” Cait looked up at him. “Okay.” “When you feel it coming out, does it hurt?” “I don’t think so. Sometimes… it feels like a little fire, but it goes away as soon as I start going in my pants….” “Do you ever have to push to get it going?” “Um… that’s why I doing it on purpose, Daddy says. I am sometimes pushing because it hurts, but it won’t come out in the toilet right away. And then someone else needs the toilet, so I started not going to the toilet until I get pre-stuff. And the pre-stuff kept turning into real stuff sooner and sooner. And then… it started to not get control. And now, it just comes out.” Cait was breathing heavy and her thumb went in her mouth as she squeezed her bear. She pottied a little more in her Undies. “It went again,” she whispered. “It’s okay, Cait. As soon as you feel it, right now, I want you to just do it. No holding back right now, sweetheart.” Sean was sincere with her. “But if you feel it when it comes out or just before, it would be good to know how long you feel it before it comes out.” “I’ll try. But it’s hard to notice sometimes, and other times, I just can’t wait more than a moment and it just comes. I’m not even pushing. Honest.” “Does your tummy feel empty?” “I don’t know.” There was sudden yelling in the windowed office and a man in blue clothes that were like work clothes, maybe? And he came out of there his face red. “Stupid, stupid, I can’t believe this…. Permission from parents, yes. Leaving a ten year old in the lobby messing herself? How do they think they’d feel if they were the ones going all over the floor because someone said they couldn’t see a doctor?” Though the doctor was clearly trying mutter it, his muttering was loud enough that Cait heard him. “Yeah, you people come with me. We’ll have you wait back here until we can call her parents, okay? Little miss, did you finish in your pants,” his questions were even lower now. “I don’t know,” Cait said honestly. “She can’t tell sometimes,” Sean said. “Her body hasn’t released anything in a while though.” “She’s gotten you, good, hasn’t she?” The doctor smiled at Sean and Cait. “She’s just been managing a problem she can’t and I’m just telling her to do it, until a doctor tells her the right way to fix this… I see no reason for her suffer, so I told her to just poop if she feels it coming.” “May I see the clipboard?” He looked it over and then handed it back. “Well, you fill out whatever else you think you can answer, and then whether the hospital wants to pay for my time or not, I will take a look at her. The bureaucrats can stuff it.” Cait giggled. As the doctors talked, Cait felt the sheets rub her thighs, and she felt a pinch in her arm. She hear the doctor say something to Sean. His speech was distant and almost like an echo that didn’t quite repeat. The space was closing in as her eyes shut on the examination table. Cait didn’t really know what the adults said after that, she didn’t know if the doctor gave her something or what really happened. All she knew, was that there was nothing for a bit, and then, she was a little girl, maybe a first grader. It felt like she was waking up or something, maybe she had fallen asleep in class, only she never used to sleep during class. “Mrs. O’co(r)nner, Cait’s done did it again,” classmate points under her chair while other kids laughed. Cait looked up at the teacher, her hands with scissors and paper in them, and her skirt a soggy wet pee-pee with a puddle in her chair and on the floor. “Again? Cait?” Mrs. O’co(r)nnor asked. “This is the third time this week, it’s it? You tell everyone you have to pee when we are reading, and then you stay in there for almost the whole period but say nothing at art time? How stupid are you, girl?” Her eyes blinked and she felt herself sitting in the office with her dad, principal, and her second grade teacher talking. “Just make her sit in it,” Dad said pulling at his hair. “If you don’t take her bait, maybe she’ll stop pissing herself.” “You know very well we can’t do that, Mr. Weimer,” the principal told him. “There is the health aspect of other kids, and there is also the message we’d be sending the other students….” “The only message I see here, is that if you are going to purposefully wet your pants like that, then it won’t get you any undue attention. You do it to yourself, and you wear it.” The nurse sighed. Was this the third grade conversation, the second grade one, or the first grade one. Cait lost track. “Well, we can’t do that.” Now the school nurse was talking to him. So I need you to start packing her clothes that she can change into. She wets herself twice a day sometimes, so two sets should be sufficient. If you have her bring them to class in the mornings, her teacher can send her clothes to me to make sure she’s changed when someone notices.” “Fine. We’ll send clothes with her. But if you are going to do this for her and teach her it’s okay to wet her pants, you are going to deal with her pissing herself at school. I’m not taking time off work for this nonsense.” There was a long period of silence, and then Cait started to get the blurry image of the time in the middle of March, this last school year. “Cait!” Mrs. Evan frowned. “Honey! I told you to just ask. I’ll let you go to the bathroom rather than watch you poop all over yourself!” Cait felt her stomach tighten as the teacher scolded her, and she blinked out of view again. Cait had a note from school. She showed her mom. “You pooped your pants at school again, Cait? You know this isn’t good, don’t you?” There was some quiet again. There was darkness. Slowly Cait started to feel the rub of the hospital sheets on her legs. She felt her eyes trying to pull open. Cait started to feel herself waking out of a sleep she didn’t think was normal. Her eyes took a moment to focus while the doctor was talking to Sean. “We did contact her mother. It seems that they were told some time ago that some kids just don’t like school and it seems to invoke some problems with bathroom control, but what seems to be the missing thing here, is that they either didn’t understand, or it was never convey to them that this condition rarely extends past first grade.” “So….?” “Well, I mean, the fact is… they seem to have limited money, which means, they likely went to the cheapest doctor available at the time.” Cait frowned over at the doctor wondering how costing her dad more money could possibly make him love her move. “I don’t know if it was incompetency, a bureaucratic decision to stop all treatments before any started, or what it was, but I think the parents may have been told wrong things about the little dear, and that’s why she doesn’t understand what is happening to her, and her parents keep shaming her instead of fixing the problem.” “How do you mean?” Sean rubbed cait’s back. “Well, unfortunately, Mr. Kinsella,” the doctor shifted in his seat and rubbed his chin. Cait crawled into Uncle Sean’s lap and noticed they had removed her underwears and she was in a hospital gown. “Some institutions are more about making money than taking care of the person,” the doctor shook his head. “We doctors, as individual doctors, take an oath that we see whoever we get regardless of ability to pay.” A flash of the look Crop Daddy gets when he goes for the belt flashed across the man’s eyes, but he wasn’t looking at Cait or Sean. He was staring at her chart. “Likely, they went to a welfare doctor, and while they take the same oaths, sometimes the institution gets in their way.” “Which means?” “It means that there a lot of people at fault for her problems” he closed the file. “And none of which is the little miss.” The doctor frowned at the door. “She’s done everything she can to be normal, with a very abnormal situation that should have been fixed a long time ago.” “So you know what the problem is?” “The problem isn’t one problem,” the doctor shook his head, his eyes at the floor. This could take a long while. The most urgent problem is that she has a hernia, meaning her colon is out of place.” “I’ve heard that term before, I don’t really know what it means,” Auntie whispered. “Well, it means her intestines are supposed to be in the area we tell kids is the stomach on their body. When the intestines move, caused by weakness in the body tissues in multiple places in the body, that can cause blockages. “So, her insides are not where they are supposed to be?” Auntie asked the doctor to be clear. She rubbed Cait’s arm. Cait suddenly realized that Auntie was an (a-dolt) and that means she knows stuff. She not asking about knowing it for herself. She asking for me! “How does this cause problems though?” “Well, if for example, it gets trapped where it can share the space where she pees, it can cause her to retain urine, too, causing peeing troubles. But it can also cause it to bend sharp, too sharp, and that can make pooping flowing in her body to get stuck.” There were several minutes of silence while Sean, Auntie, and Cait processed what the doctor said. “The longer we leave this like this, the longer it causes problems for her. We can soften the stool and help her get rid of what is there, but it’s not a true cure. It’s a temporary solution until we find a way to make the hospital and government happy about who is giving consent for Cait’s care.” “What do we do?” “We need to immediately apply for a special permission for the state insurance to correct the hernia. Whether they accept and pay for it or not, this needs to be done immediately. Secondly, it will take time for her bowel to return to normal, so something to help her manage the problem without shame is best.” “Not diapers?” Cait whispered interrupting the doctor. “Why not diapers?” he asked her. “I’m not a baby.” Sean frowned. “No diapers, Cait. I promise. Let the doctor and me talk, sweetie. We are starting to understand some stuff. You just relax.” “That’s only the most urgent issues we need to look at,” the doctor told him. There’s going to be more.” “You mentioned that it could be the cause of her peeing troubles?” Sean frowned. “Yes, Mr. Kinsella. It’s not a wonder her family being on welfare didn’t look into it. It’s an uphill struggle to get through everything that needs to be done.” “Well, if Dan and Maire were to give custody of their child to me with a power of attorney, could I do something more to make sure she gets the help she needs?” “It could get expensive real fast. I’d let Welfare cover as much as they are willing before you commit your own finances.” “And that’s already worked so well…,” Sean frowned at the doctor. The doctor seemed to tap a pen on his knee for minutes, as though that might help them come to a better understanding or cause something to open a door or something. “This little baby has been suffering because of all of this, and it’s impacted more than her physical health.” Sean patted her leg. “Her mental state is a shambles, all caused by this stupid Goddamned state stuff! I don’t care to ask for another penny from this troll.” The doctor frowned sadly. “So…. Can I?” Cait whispered. “Can I ask?” “Yes, child,” the doctor whispered to her. “It’s your health, child. You may ask anything you want.” “So… when I pooped my pants on purpose, I mean, I didn’t do it like I wanted it in my pants, but…. I mean…,” blushed getting red in the face. “Cait? This isn’t about what you did. Just ask your question, okay? I promise, no one thinks you pooped in your pants on purpose right now, at least not most of the time.” “Well… when I pushed my stomach to get it ready so it would come out but then I couldn’t stop it, and it went in my pants…?” “Not your fault, child. You were frustrated and you thought you were doing what you could to not be shamed for having less control than you have. You pushed yourself to poo, but likely did it too much because you were afraid of taking too long. Yes?” Cait nodded. “And that is what caused you to poop your pants, little lady. Not a will to poop yourself, but the desire to not be a problem, right?” Cait nodded. “Like I said, you were the only one trying to do the right thing for a while, and when a child isn’t supported, especially in a situation like this, it’s going to cause trouble.” The doctor smiled a soft eye dancing understanding kind of thing. “Child? You did nothing wrong. It’s a tummy trouble, not a child doing gross, bad, or attention getting behaviors. Understand?” Cait sat there thinking while the conversation worked itself back to Sean and the doctor. “I will pay for the child, if I can get Dan to give me custody of her for a little while.” “If you are sure about that, you’d need to get working on your relatives giving you specifically power of attorney in making decisions for her health and education for probably anywhere between the next six months and two years. She’s got a lot of problems, and if the mental issues are bad that are related, she’ll need counseling as well.” “You can start treating her though?” “I can start. I am not able to have blanket discretion though. If the hospital isn’t paid for its tests and other facility uses, they can make us do it without that support and that would hurt her recovery.” “Don’t worry. I am planning on fully leveling this stuff with our dear old cousins and letting them know how severe it is,” Sean leaned in towards the doctor. “So I need to know what else is going on.” “Her urine is indicating she’s had an infection for a bit long and while it hasn’t hurt her kidneys just yet, we can’t wait for it to reach that point.” “We’ll contact them, don’t you worry. We want this little child as healthy as she can be. “Uncle Sean? Am I still allowed to pee my pants, when I want?” Sean looked at the doctor. “I was meaning to address that. So… we’ve been letting her have permission not to be potty trained for a while….” Sean looked him in the eye like this was important. The doctor sat up and Cait saw him touch his chin thoughtfully, and then he whispered. “What do you mean by that?” “We tell our little one that she’s just not ready to be potty trained yet, at least until she feels safe. That means not just with her physical ability, but she stops beating herself up mentally when she accidentally wets her pants out of some fear or some stupid rule that some people have made her believe is more important than her health.” The doctor shook his head. “Honestly, most people would find that hard to keep up with.” He shuffled in his chair a moment. It would require people around her to be willing to keep her dry and clean the whole time you are letting her do it this way….” “Her mother’s cousin that she knows as Auntie and I have been trying to keep up with it, and we’re trying to get her to tell us when she’s peed or something.” “Well, it could help if she’s not anxious about getting to the toilet in time. I’d caution that you let her decide so you’re not forcing her to pee on herself, but if she’s just not got control of herself, or she’s the one choosing to do it for her own agency, then it could help her.” “But, she’d want to blame herself, doctor. You don’t understand the state she fights all the time. I can’t give her agency like that… not with her limited understanding of what deserves shame and what doesn’t.” “Then take her to see a counselor,” the doctor frowned. “I am not qualified to tell you what is right when it comes to the mind. But I just want to caution you not to hurt her the other way because you care too much. You need to find the right balance at the right time if you want her to grow up healthy.” Cait looked up at the doctor. “I want it to be okay that I pee my pants… just a little longer… that on takes out the belt, and they don’t’ asspect me to keep inside when it hurts, and I can just push, and be allowed to fully poopy my pants and they hug me and yell at me,” tears were in her eyes. “And I can keep Kookaberry and I can put my thumb in my mouth, and I can just… just be Cait even if I not like everyone.” Sean looked from Cait to the doctor. “You tell me, is my keeping her not potty trained hurting her, for just a little bit, or is it hurting her? You were right there. I didn’t have any time to coax her. She heard you, and she heard me. Does it really harm her to potty train her right after we fix her issues with her body, and after she feels safe once her issues are fixed?” The doctor sighed. “This is a matter between you and your cousins. I don’t pretend to know what would mentally be the outcome. I just think you should have her see a counselor regardless of what is decided here. She’ll need time to process what happened to her either way.” “Only if the counselor doesn’t make me use the toilet,” Cait frowned with her arms crossed. “Counselors, principals, school nurses, and everyone like them… they scary. I not going to promise not to pee my pants at the counselor. And I not promising to talk to them, too. Only if at least Auntie Grandma comes in with me because she strict, but she makes it feel like learning and not that I bad if I poop my underwears.” “That’s up to the counselor normally, child. But I’m sure if you complain enough and won’t talk to her without your named role model at your side, the counselor will have to give in if they want to get anywhere, and especially if your Uncle threatens to take you somewhere else meaning they lose you as a financial resource. Sometimes, money matters to adults, little brave mouse.” Cait pulled the gown closed around her trying to not show herself off. Mommy said only bad girls show themselves off. She had no real context, but she knew that one day, daddy caught Grainne without clothes on when Grainne was being silly. It was some time ago, but Grainne got in really big trouble for being in the living room in just panties and an undershirt. Cait remember the belt across her big sister’s butt like twenty times. That was one of the biggest no-nos ever, even bigger than Cait moving while she’s peeing her pants. “Can’t I have my underwears back?” Cait whispered up at Uncle Sean. “Why still gotta keep me in this. My backside shows when I not in your lap, and it’s scary.” “I’m sorry, pet,” Sean kissed the side of her face. “The doctor isn’t done. He’s waiting for permission, which is why your Auntie is in the hall trying get hold of your parents. If they can at least get word of mouth from your mom, the doctor said he can give you some medicine to help get the poopies out of your body tonight, and that will help you for a few days until we can get papers done to let them help you.” “What if I peed or worse, pooped. I don’t have the underwears to stop it getting on the floor or stuff.” “The doctor is already aware of how likely it is for you to wet or do another poopy, baby. He’s been discussing that very thing and how we move forward to getting it to stop, hon. We are talking of giving you full control of your body back, even if we choose to wait a little longer on toilet training. Better in a healthy body and choosing to poop your pants is better than being sick and unable to choose when it happens.” Cait nodded her head seemed to take on this authority as if she was the one that knew what Sean said as the only expert in the room on it. She may well have been. Chapter 40 The Quiet Before A nurse came in and whispered something to the doctor. “Excuse me a moment. I’ll be back soon. You stay here, Cait, and if you feel going potty again, don’t get scared or worried. Just stand up and get comfortable. There is a little potty chair over there if you can make it, but if goes on the floor, it’s okay.” Cait put her thumb in her mouth and held Kookaberry tighter. Sean took a deep breath. He glanced to Cait sucking her thumb, to the doctor’s desk, and yet his eyes…. Cait didn’t think his eyes saw anything. His mouth was tight. He seemed as though he was looking inside, like you to behind your eyes, only they are open. “What are you thinking on?” Cait whispered. “Adult stuff.” “An dolt stuff that means talking Daddy about you paying doctors?” Cait asked. “Sometimes, Cait, you observe too much,” Sean rubbed her head. “Oh.” Cait remembered that Auntie says she talks too much, and it hurts sometimes. Maybe Uncle is hurting, and he needed her to be quiet of what she knew. “I’m sorry.” “Sorry?” Uncle whispered as he patted Cait’s leg. “Hon, you need to stop saying your sorry for everything. You don’t do anything half the time to need to feel guilt.” “But I talk too much.” “You talk as much as you need to say what is important, Cait. You talk a lot less than most children your age.” Cait settled in Uncle Sean’s lap a big deeper, and then feeling his quiet, much like she did when passing a place that made Auntie sad, a place that was her pre-something like Cait’s pre-pees, she hugged him. She can comfort with her body. The overhead clock ticked, though when Cait looked it was still big hand between the five and the six. It didn’t move. There were muffled voices that passed the closed door to the room here and again. Whispers that could be about Cait, or maybe not. Cait didn’t know. “Your Daddy will tell Uncle Sean that this isn’t good. You’re just a baby. Spending money to make you stop doing what you want to do…. Daddy will….” Cait sucked on her thumb harder and narrowed her eyes at the ghost. It faded. More sounds outside. Uncle’s heart beat was strong, and his gaze at her when she looked up, was soft and kind. His gentle hand landed right on her bare back because the gown opened in the back. It was hard, but gentle. She could see why animals who needed to birth their babies to him trust him. He could catch them, and be gentle at the same time. She sighed. Uncle didn’t react when her body squirted pee on him, and then did it again. He pulled her closer and rubbed her back with more attention, until she fully peed. “Good girl, pet. No more waiting. You either get yourself to the potty, or if you start peeing, you just do it, baby. No one cares here.” She laid her face on his strong chest. She looked up at the clock gain. The big hand had moved. It was on the eight. The door opened. Cait’s eyes immediately went to Sean’s lap where she peed on him, and then around her shoulder to the back to the floor. The doctor came into the room with a nurse. They were talking about needing papers completed and the doctor was telling her that the director approved things as they were. “Look, the director said to go ahead and treat her for now. We will do the paper work, and then we can do the big stuff when they get permission from their cousins. This can’t wait.” “And what happens when their cousins don’t sign something over? We use our facility to do work that isn’t paid for. How is that fair to paying people?” “Look, I’m in the patient’s room. You need to go talk to the director if you disagree with him. But for now, get out of my patient’s presence with that attitude.”

Chapter 25 The Swing State Not the Show Me State Cait sat on the swing with Kookaberry in her lap staring at the other kids in the park. She wanted to play, but she was scared. What if they don’t like her? So she sat there for a little bit, just watching. There were maybe ten boys and girls running around, chasing each other. It looked like a lot of fun. “They’re having fun,” she told Kookaberry. “You would have fun.” “What if they don’t like me?” “What if they do?” The whispers carried out a little, but it was hard for Cait to gauge how much it did. She hadn’t talked to anyone other than the stuffed bear, the ghost, Uncle and Auntie now for a few days, and even at home before coming to the Dairy place, she just didn’t really say much there either. She was always in trouble there, and being quiet meant not being noticed, even if she was in poopy panties, at least no one noticed until she was at the table where they saw her or she asked for something, then she’d be in trouble and still didn’t always get help with what she wanted. “What if they go and tell Uncle and Auntie that I did something bad?” she asked Kookaberry. “But what would they tell them?” The bear seemed to reach to her neck and hug her. “You didn’t do anything to them, so they can’t tell on you. And anyway, see over there?” Cait looked over and saw Uncle and Auntie talking, but they were watching the little lonely girl, too. They seemed to be whispering and their glances at her told her that they were worried. They didn’t look mad. They looked like they wanted to come over, but then they looked at the other kids, and they sat back down, as if walking over would stop the other kids from talking to her. Suddenly, from the back of her head, she heard a shy little whisper and felt a poke in the middle of her back. “How come you by yourself not even playing on the swing right?” Cait turned to face a girl that might have been her age, she wasn’t sure. She was maybe a little shorter. She looked at the bear in her arms and her thumb in her mouth. Cait quickly pulled her thumb out. “We’re all play tag over there,” the girl stepped back a little. Her nose wrinkled a little bit. “You look like you’re all by yourself. Some of us were thinking that you shouldn’t be sitting all by yourself. It just looks sad. Do you… do like to play with others?” “Yeah,” Cait whispered her face getting red. “I’d really like to.” “How about you give your Dad and Mom your Bear and come and play with us?” “They’re not exactly my Dad and Mom.” “Oh. Well, if you wanted, you could take your bear, bit it looks so clean. I just didn’t think you wanted to drop it.” “Yeah, can I take Kookaberry over to them? They’re my mom’s cousins but I call them Aunt and Uncle.” “I’ll walk over partway with you.” “Okay.” “Um… can I ask you something?” “Okay?” “Did you kind of pee your pants?” “No?” “Oh, okay. It’s just you stink a little bit.” “I’m sorry. I didn’t pee though.” “Well, if you wanted to know where the bathroom was, you have to go the Seven-eleven around the corner. The Park doesn’t have one… if you’re getting ready to pee.” “I’m not. I promise.” “Okay.” She stopped a few feet from the bench where Aunt and Uncle were now smiling at me. “Did you make a friend, pet?” Auntie asked. “I don’t know. She said I stink, but she said I can still play.” I looked back at her she smile at me. “Well, we all have our own odors,” Sean put a hand on me. “Maybe she’s just not used to you yet.” “She said I stink like pee.” Auntie frowned. “Did you pee your pants, sweetheart?” “No?” “Do you want to go, Pet?” Uncle asked. I shook my head no. “Well, go play,” Auntie took Kookaberry. “We’ll be here if you need us.” I sighed and nodded. “Okay. I just hope everyone doesn’t do what kids usually do.” “If they do, you come and get us and we’ll find another place to play, Cait. You don’t deserve that, okay?” Auntie looked sternly at me. “Don’t put up with them being mean even if actually wet your pants a little bit, you still don’t deserve it.” “Okay.” I ran back to the blond girl with light freckles. “I’m Ruth,” She smiled at me. “If anyone says anything meaner than telling you the truth about the stink, you tell me. I’ll push them down. I’m stronger than half of them, and the other half, we don’t have to play with.” “Huh?” “What’s your name?” “Cait?” “That’s a different name. Is it like the animal.” “No. It said different. It makes with an ‘I’ in the middle. It comes from the old country that my Mama is from and my Aunt is from.” “Oh, like German?” “I don’t think it Jeromy. I think it Englass, but different.” “Oh. Well, do you cry if someone calls you a cat or says meow at you?” “Sometimes.” “Good. Because I’m telling them the rule that you are NOT a cat and anyone that meows isn’t allowed to play with us.” “Really?” “Yeah. It’s mean to make your friends cry, and I not going to let them make you cry, even if you did pee your pants.” “But I didn’t, I promise. I can pull down my pants and show you.” “No. I’m sorry. Don’t do that. I’ll stop saying it. I just was trying to be your friend, and I guess… I really thought you did and you were scared that you did. I didn’t mean to make you cry.” “Okay.” “Time out, everyone! Time out. No tagging, Billy! I have a new friend and she’s playing so listen up!” Ruth was definitely in charge out here like Kookaberry is at home. That’s what Cait decided. “This is Cait, and that’s not Ca-at with a meow, David,” she put her hands on her hips when she saw a boy starting to whisper to his closest neighbor. “It’s cah with an ‘it’ in it, and it’s pretty. And if you meow at her, tell her she peed her pants, or anything else mean, I don’t care, you’re not playing no more. We don’t need you to play if you are mean to my new friend.” “Yeah,” a group of five girls joined Ruth. “What about the rule that new people are always it?” Billy, a bigger boy with heavy arms asked. “She’s new. We giving a pass this time.” “No, I can be it,” Cait felt a heavy feeling that she couldn’t explain and whispered. Ruth turned and faced Cait. “Cait, I don’t think that’s a good idea this time. If someone touches you, you can be it, but you need to feel the freedom to run with someone at your side for a minute. I can tell. People pick on you.” “How do you know?” “Because you are too quiet and quick to prove you didn’t do something and you shouldn’t have to feel that way. And because you still look scared. And the way you look at Billy, like he might hit you or something. I don’t want you to think that anyone here is going to be mean. And I want to run with you until you forget about being picked on.” “Okay.” Billy, strong and blocky, the kind of tank Uncle was probably at school walked closer. His face looked a little bit like Ruth. “Wait, someone picked on you before?” he asked. “It’s my fault.” “Oh, the hell it is, Cait. You tell Ruth if anyone says anything! If anyone picks on my sister, and my sister is picked on when her friends are, and she’ll get me, and I’ll pound ‘em. You don’t put up with that here, Cait!” He looked around. “If anyone so much as makes a little cat noise, and well, you best walk away from playing right now. You don’t want to deal with me if you start picking on her during play. So, David? Barbara? Yeah, you know I’ll hit a girl, if that girl is bigger than another girl, especially bigger than my sister and picking on her.” Barbara walked away. “Good. Now that’s settled, I’ll be it in Cait’s place. Cait, you stick with my sister when you’re not being chased. She likes you.” Then we started running! -- We ran through the jungle gym and hid under there for a minute to take a breathing break. “That’s my brother,” Ruth out proudly at him. “A little slow and dumb sometimes, but really smart when I went need him to be. And he’s pretending we’re not even here. See how he’s purposefully moving so we can’t get away when we are ready to run, but how he’s looking for someone else. He does that sometimes for me.” “I thought brothers just chase you as soon as they saw your—or sisters.” “If you are just playing with each other, maybe?” Ruth frowned. “Unless you know something I don’t? But in my house, yeah, he will chase me until he catches me if it’s just family, but when there are other kids to chase, if he can see I’m holding my side and need to really rest, he switches targets as if I’m not there.” “Really?” “Yeah. And if someone else is it, he will get closer to them than me if he thinks I’m tired too. If they ignore him, he says chicken! Slow ass! You have to pick on the tired because you too slow and you know it! Like that!” “He protects you all the time, huh?” “Like I said, sometimes a little dumb. Sometimes, I deserve to get caught, but I would never trade him for anyone else. He’s going into sixth grade this year, and I’m in fourth.” “I’m in fifth grade this coming year.” “Oh, nice! I can say I have a big friend, now. Not just my brother’s friends! Yay!” “I hear you two talking,” Billy told us. “Everyone can. So I have to chase you. You gave yourselves away getting loud!” “Come and get us then! Go that way, Cait!” And we started running. Even when I was it, it was fun! “Nanny nanny goat!” they wiggled their hands in their ears. “Too slow, Irish or Scottish girl!” They never once said Cait, and when Ruth’s mom came to end the game as the sun started to set, Ruth led her over and it seemed she knew Auntie. “That’s the niece you were talking about a couple of weeks ago at church, then?” “That’s my little cousin,” Eiboline whispered. “She’s very helpful around the house, too.” “Mom? She’s Ruth’s friend. She is pretty cool, too. She has a Scottish name or an Irish name or something. I know it has to be that because she says her family isn’t exactly English, but she’s from the same place, so it has to be Irish or Scottish, right?” “Well, the Kinsellas are Irish,” his mom smiled. Billy smiled. “I knew it! Can Cait have a sleep over some day with Ruthie?” “I said not to call me Ruthie in front of my friends. I’m not a baby no more!” “Ruthie, Ruthie Ruthie,” Billy patted her head. “It’s just your shy friend, Cait, Ruth. She’s not going to say anything mean about it.” I looked down. “It’s not a good idea for me to stay the night,” Cait whispered. “Why?” Ruth asked bright eyed. “If you need anything like medicine or stuff, mom has helped my friends before if they needed help. I once had a girl come and stay who needed help to get around when she was in crutches because she broke her leg. No one minds helping you if you need anything.” Auntie smiled. “We’ll talk about it later, Ruth. Cait… she’s just had some adjusting even in our house. It could be good for her at some point, but not just yet, okay?” “Okay. But she’ll come to the park again. Promise?” “I’ll call your mom next time we are thinking about a park trip, okay?” “Yay! And mom can call you!” Sean didn’t put Kookaberry into my hands until we got back to the car, and his only word was, “now.” as he helped me into the car. The sun was moving out of where we can see, but from under the ground it’s last light was making the clouds orange and pink and red. It was very pretty as we got into the car. “Ruth is so fun, Auntie. She knows I pee my pants, but she plays with me anyway.” “What do you mean she knows, pet?” “She said I stink like pee, and she told me about the bathroom, and when I tried to tell her I didn’t and I don’t want to, she didn’t let me pull my pants down to show her. She said I don’t have to prove it. And she still thought I peed until I said I can show her. She said she was sorry she said I did. But then she told everyone at the playground that no one is allowed to call me a cat or make cat sounds before we played, and then her big brother looked right at these two kids when he said anyone that makes his sister cry, he will make them cry. And his sister friends getting picked on is the same as her getting it, and he going to make them cry if they make me cry. And then we played and no one said nothing about cats at all. They just did the normal stuff with chase that everyone does. They did call me Iris girl and skotash girl. But I didn’t care. It was just true and it wasn’t really mean.” I looked at Kookaberry. “You were right. I didn’t know kids can be nice if I didn’t try. Thank you for telling with your Just-a-mind thingy at Ruth to play with me. You knew, didn’t you?” Chapter 26 A Long, long, long Three After The Park Cait felt a little uncomfortable tightness in her side when she was talking, but it didn’t quite tell her what was wrong. She just kept talking about Ruth and about having these friends who didn’t call her a cat, and only when she ran out of breath, did she pull air through her teeth like she knew something was wrong. Not yet having heard, the pull of air through teeth, Sean started the car and the car started to roll towards the parking exit. “You had a really long recess,” Cait heard in her head. Cait’s face was still heated from all the chasing and playful calling at the tagger. She recalled another moment when one of the girls was about to climb up the same level on the jungle gym after her, and she jumped onto the slide, the movement feeling like flight through the blue sky as she saw the clouds for just a moment going down the slippery surface. Her underpants already felt warm and she knew she had some pre-pee in them again, but the feeling had gone away the minute she thought it came when she saw Ruth coming after her laughing and calling out “I’ll get you Irish girl!” “The fun was great, huh?” But there was something off about how the voice said it. That wasn’t Kookaberry. Cait’s legs pumped up and down to get closer together. “What do you want, ghost?” “Nothing.” “Are you alright back there, Pet?” Auntie Eiboline called back sort of breaking the ghost into fragments for a moment, but then realization. Cait noticed herself. She was moving her legs closer together to stop herself needing to pee. She sucked in more air in her teeth. “Okay, Auntie,” but her breath was backwards, air coming in as she talked more than going out. The adults looked at one another. Cait felt her hand push itself between her legs, and though she was happy it still felt dry, she didn’t want them to see her hand there. Her eyes fluttered dark, Auntie’s face, dark, and face again for a moment. There was silence. Her eyes fluttered shut again. Opening them, she felt the tight tension under her eyes down to her jaw, and the pursed lips she sometimes pulled her mouth into when she was having trouble before the bottom lip flaps out again from between two of her front teeth. “You’re gonna pee your pants for real,” the ghost told her. “You were just playing. You should have went to Seven Eleven before Uncle Sean put you in the car, but you didn’t.” Cait’s face tightened and her eyes closed again, longer this time, shaking in her fist and her butt fought against the water in her eyes. “Don’t cry! They’ll notice!” When she opened her eyes at Kookaberry, Cait knew he couldn’t defend her. The ghost was right. She chose not to think about the bathroom and now it was too late. It was her fault. It was almost as if Kookaberry looked sadly at her, and maybe even moved its mouth—“I’m sorry. You did feel it earlier and you ignored it. I can’t… I can’t help this time.” Tears in my eyes got stronger as I tried to push my hands against my pants again, cramming them between my thighs to try to push on it. I didn’t want to be bad. I felt the sting of shame building and I felt the fire on my butt for the spanking I deserved for not being a big girl. I sniffled. “Cait?” Sean called back but his head was on the road. “You seem too quiet, pet. You’re not sleeping are you?” “No?” her voice came out more whiny and almost cry-ly. She noticed it herself and turned her face towards a door. “Sean, her hands. They’re in her lap. She’s wetting her pants, or scared to, one or the other. Pull over. Let’s let her know it’s okay. We don’t have to be home for her to pee, do we?” “Naw, let me just find a safe place.” “Cait, if you are trying to stop the pee, the way you are? It looks like it hurts. If it hurts, stop trying to keep it in, little one.” “The… the car. He’ll be mad….” “Your Dad isn’t….” “Not Daddy. Uncle!” Cait turned back to look at Auntie. “Maybe he won’t hit me even if he can. But he still be mad if the seat is wet.” Uncle Sean whispered “Now.” The car slowed. “Cait, pet? I’m not going to be mad about the seat. I’m not. I don’t care about the seat. We can clean the seat.” “He’s lying. It’s his nice car… nicer than Ford, Daddy’s one. He likes this car. You better not.” Cait felt a little bit drizzle against her will, and she felt it getting her legs wet. “I’m ten. I can’t just pee in cars.” “Cait,” Auntie Eiboline frowned. “You are going to hurt inside your body, girl. Your insides are more important and harder to fix than a wet seat is. Just pee, little pet.” “I… I can’t.” “Cait?” the car was still rolling as though looking for a safe stop. “I mean it,” Uncle said. “We had this talk before, pet. Poopy underpants over hurting your tummy, child. I don’t want you getting sick. We can change you when we get home, but you pee those things right now. You’re hurting, child.” The car stopped. “Eiboline, it has to be me. It’s me she’s scared is going to punish. It’s me that’s got to show her it’s not happening. Just be there for when she runs to you, but let me.” Cait was still wetting, trying to stop it, but still peeing in her pants. It was impossible to stop, and it seemed to be going on and on, as though she had a lake inside. Maybe she did. Sean opened her door and pulled her out and into his lap, her pee unable to be controlled even now, outside of her thoughts, it just kept going and he pulled her into his lap, her still wetting on him. “Go ahead and poop,” Sean whispered even as the peeing started to settle and just squirt. “I don’t think it can.” “Try child. I don’t want you holding it. You don’t hold it until you need both hands to keep from wetting your pants anymore. Remember this morning, Cait-i-kins? I told you even if you asked for the toilet before, and we thought you went? That it’s okay to pee your pants?” “I didn’t obey you,” Cait frowned at Uncle. “I didn’t go before you got back. I went in the bathroom, but it didn’t come out.” “That doesn’t mean you get hit for peeing your pants, child. Pee’s not like that. It comes out when it’s ready. You did what you could. You sat on the toilet, right?” “Twice, and even tried to pee my pant on purpose like five times, but nothing….” “Then you did what you could. Just do me a favor and push a little on your butt muscle, and if nothing comes out right now, it’s okay. I just want to make sure you aren’t accidentally holding it.” “Okay.” Cait didn’t poop, but Uncle Sean kept holding her. “I’m going to go ahead and sit in the back. Both of us are soaked and we don’t want the driver’s seat wet, so I’ll just hold Cait the rest of the way home. Take it slow, okay? No seat belt right now.” Sean sat in the seat, and then he turned Cait so she was facing him, and he cuddled her in his arms, her butt flat on his lap, he made sure to push her legs so she knew to sit even though she felt water squeeze out of the underpants and through the pants and all over him. He pulled her close, her back wrapped in strong arms, and Kookaberry was put in her arm. “Tell her, Kookaberry. Wetting her pants isn’t a crime. If she chooses or she just makes a mistake, it’s not something she gets punished for. It’s just her learning new rules. Until she feels safe, she’s not going to be potty trained. When she wants to use the toilet, we let her, but when it’s too hard, we let her wet her pants. That’s the right way to potty train any child—but especially one as fragile as Cait-a-kins is right now.” Cait slowly drifted to sleep with all the excitement of real friends, the emotional weight of peeing her pants, and Uncle once again, just being there… it was too much, and she fell asleep, sucking her thumb, even wetting the rest in her body that she didn’t know was still there as he sat holding her until they got home. Chapter Twenty Seven Kookaburra Library Cait was on the floor, the next morning, in the living room, where the ghost didn’t have an answer to the question: “They didn’t tell me to clean up the city yet.” It just sat with ghost fumes wafting up off of its stinky pee soiled skirt. The clock read 5 little hand and 7 big hand. Uncle Sean was feeding the animals. He told the little girl, who had slept between and peed in the bed of the two people taking care of her for a second night in a row, “I need to make sure the animals feel safe and fed before we go. It wouldn’t be right for any of them to starve.” “That means Shadow, too, right?” Cait asked looking up from her city. “Yes, that would include the dog, too, pet.” “Can I feed her? Or am I too dir-” Uncle Sean gave Cait a look that made her close her mouth. “Pet, I’ve heard words I don’t like you saying because you only use them against yourself, and what you believe about yourself is how others will see you. You need to stop that. You are not dirty. You are not stupid. And you are not a baby. You are a little girl that is healing, and that’s the end of it. You are a little girl, Cait. Just—a little girl.” At six little hand and 7 big hand, Auntie came down and collected Cait in her arms. “Bath time, little pet. We are going to be out all day, and I don’t want our little girl starting out uncomfortable, now do I?” She kissed the side of her face. “Seriously, though Cait, it’s important to do your best to feel your best when you go out. No little lady should ever leave the house to go to town without a bath, first, okay?” “Even when I pee my pants all the time?” “Doesn’t matter, Cait. Taking a bath is a choice. That’s why you don’t ignore it. A little pee pee in your clothes isn’t anyone’s business and sometimes, that’s not a choice, and that’s why we don’t judge whether to take a bath based on if we pee our pants or not. Understand?” “Okay.” At little hand on the seven and big hand on the thirty… Oh, Cait knew this! At seven-thirty, the family piled into the car, and Auntie Eiboline sat in back with her this time and pointed out the window as they drove among the farms. “Your little friend, Ruth lives out that way,” she whispered. “And down that road, they have the best apples! They let kids pick upto five for free!” Cait leaned her now clean little body into her aunt and she tilted her head up like a little girl might with her mom. “Last year, the teacher found something I could read, once. It was just a one page thing with a picture on the back, but I read it. It was hard, but I did it.” “Well, a library has all kinds of books, Cait. Maybe we will find something you can read there for yourself. Have you never had a library card before.” “Our farm in Mishuree is too far from town. Takes the buss like almost a whole small hand to get to our farm from school.” “It takes almost an hour to get home from school riding the bus?” Cait nodded. “And your Dad, he got mad at you when you got off the bus?” “He was at work. He didn’t see. Mom told Grainne to clean me up before he gets home. He doesn’t see it when I ride the bus.” “Well, at least one thing done right,” Auntie muttered. The car drove a bit without any real farm Auntie talked about nor any thing else with the exception of a church on a hill in the distance. The church we all attend on Sundays was referenced only once, and then the car seemed paused, as if painted at the top of a hill, and a full wide city stretched before Cait below it. “There’s where we do most of our shopping,” Eiboline told Cait. “If you were ours, that’s where you’d go to school.” There a bit of sadness in the those last words. Cait could feel them as they sounded forced from her throat. It was like someone chopped auntie’s words in the strangest places, and then a hint of something that Cait recognized as a held cry lingered on two of the words. “Ours.” “school.” Cait looked up at Auntie, but she smiled down at Cait. Auntie wasn’t fooling her though. Those two words meant more than Auntie was telling. “I’m wearing boy clothes,” Cait reminded herself. “The dresser has boy toys all over it depicting where the baby horse child, like her self, had on invisible poopy panties the other day. The Ajax told the dog to let the baby horse go potty.” She sighed. “Maybe the clothes belongs to someone who went to school in this place?” The library was a small round building with so many cars parked around it, it felt like a Church building on a Sunday. “So many people here?” Cait looked up at Auntie. “Well, a lot of parents take their children to the library in the summer, Cait. They take them to the pool, too, sometimes. Summer is the time when many parents breathe with their children and make memories that they want to take with them for years.” “My Dad isn’t a lot of parents.” “You can say that again,” Auntie’s eyes flashed red for a moment. Cait heard it in her voice that deepened and became quieter and more slow in speaking. “Now,” Uncle Sean put a hand on either of them. “This isn’t about Dan, Eiboline. It’s about Cait building a memory with her cousin. Just mind that.” Eiboline smiled at Uncle and Cait looked up and smiled, too. “Okay,” Cait’s voice was quiet. She didn’t need to be told somehow. No one told her the rules of a library. Even at school, she wasn’t allowed to go. But somehow, she could just feel it. No one was shouting. The carpet and the rows of books meant reading space. At school, when kids did silent reading, it was done quiet. The rule was there without needing a sign that Cait could read. Cait was allowed to bring Kookaberry still in her arm and her thumb went nervously to her lips as they walked into the front desk space. There was a man behind the counter. Cait looked down at her shoes. “I would like to make a new library card,” Auntie told the man. “She’s with us all Summer, so at least usable until August 20th?” “We can do that,” their voices were soft. “This is my cousin’s child, Cait. She’s a little treat to have around. She can brighten any room if you hear her play or you watch her. She’s a very decent heart.” “How old is she?” “She’s ten.” “A little old for her thumb….” “Now,” Sean pulled me behind him for a minute. “None of that. She’s growing just fine. That habit doesn’t hurt no one.” “No, it doesn’t,” the man nodded before Sean let me back in the man’s view. “She’s had a hard time at life. So. Now.” That was all that was said about Kookaberry, my thumb, or my not ability to write anything on the card. The man just smiled and said. “That will do. Your Auntie can fill in the rest. Even here, Uncle Sean told the man not to talk about my thumb. I felt my free hand wrap around without my meaning too, and I held Uncle Sean, or more, I pulled myself into him. “Here we are,” Uncle Sean helped Cait into a chair and put her bear into her arms right where it belongs. “Now, we can look up anything you want, Cait-i-kins. Of course, we are going to find out what a Kookaburra is, but we can get stories, and maybe we can find something you feel comfortable trying to read, too, only if you want.” “I don’t read good, though.” “It’s not about reading good, Cait. It’s about being welcome to read what you can. There are lots of different kinds of books here, and some with no words at all.” “Books without words? How do you read those?” “I’ll be right back,” Auntie smiled and patted her head and then walked off towards a little space that Cait could see little kid sitting and a low shelf where kids half her size were getting books for themselves. “So, Let’s see. I think factual stuff will be that way. Let’s us go that way,” he decided the table wasn’t as important at the moment as engaging his little cousin-niece. Cait put her arms up, and Uncle Sean didn’t need words. He immediately bent down and lifted her up and carried her like was a five year old or something, but what Cait felt, was… he was carrying me because I mattered. “Okay, let’s see. Koo… Koo…,” Uncle was muttering to himself while patting my dry bottom. “Can I help you find something?” A younger girl maybe in high school asked him. “Well, we’d like to know something about Kookaburras. I know they are animals and they live in Australia….” “Ah, yes, come, I’ll show you how the card catalog works if you don’t know. You want real facts, right, not just a story?” “That’s what we want,” Uncle Sean smiled. It took her a few moments, but then she led us along the shelves explaining that 000 meant something, and 100 meant something, and so on. It was too many stuffs though because there 900s stuffs, and it seems hard to follow all the words she used, too. Uncle Sean walked back to the table and it was still open. He sat down with Cait in his lap, her legs dangled to the left and right of his lap, and he opened the book, Birds in Australia. “The librarian knew something Uncle Sean didn’t even know,” he tells Cait. “See had us look up a book about the birds of Australia. See? You don’t have to know everything. You just have to ask someone who can find the answer.” Cait turned and hugged him. “But you know about milk farms.” “Now.” He carefully turned each page until they saw a section in the book about the birds. “Well, look at that. They actually do eat gum stuff off of trees,” he laughed. “Now I really did learn something other than them being a bird!” He pointed to the words. “You can try, Caitikins. I’m here. I’ll help.” Cait started to read: Kook a burr a is a bird xat ivs in Ostoralea. “Very good!” Uncle Sean patted her lap. He reread the phrase a little faster. So, what do we know from that?” “Kookaberry is a bird that lives in Australia,” Cait smiled. “But it can laugh?” “Let’s see….” They read about the kookaburra until the end of that section, but it didn’t tell about the laughing. “Stay here a moment, pet. I’ll go see if I can find another book.” Cait saw him go, not to the box things that the librarian called a Card Cat-log, but he went to a librarian again. She could tell they were talking about her because Uncle Sean pointed over at her and smiled as he was talking to her in a quiet enough voice it was impossible to hear. While he was over there talking, Auntie Eiboline came back with tree books. They weren’t about Australia or the bird, but they were wordless picture stories. “You could read these stories quite easily,” she told Cait. Then she sat across from her and put a book open in front of her. “No words, but you can see what’s happening, can’t you?” Cait nodded. “Yeah. There is a monkey. It’s outside by the tall building. It is watching a man with yellow clothes.” “You are reading so well, Cait.” Cait narrowed her eyes. “That’s not reading, Auntie. There no words.” “There are two kinds of reading, Cait. Yes, you are not doing what teachers at school call reading by looking at letters and figuring out what those things are. But you can tell what the book says to you without those letters. You are reading the book in the sense that you know what it means without needing letters to tell you. Some adults have a hard time reading those kinds of readings.” “Really?” “They sure do. Your Uncle Sean is much better than I am at this kind of reading. That’s why he knows by looking at you that something needs to be done before I do.” “Do you mean like I readed that the dresser shrine thingy is the dog is the boss in the dresser farm, and each animal has a place by it’s own by where it fence is?” “That’s exactly it, Cait. You know by the feel of the page and what’s on it, what they want to tell you. So if I were to ask you to look at that page again, you just described, what do you think the story is?” “Well, there is a monkey, and the monkey is thinks, why this man comes here? I follow because man is not I know him.” “Good. Keep going.” “The monkey see another man is not wear yellow, but only that man. The monkey only follow that man, so maybe monkey is think I like yellow.” When I finished the story, Auntie read the Title. George and the man in Yellow. This is from a series of books,” she says to Cait. “It’s a very old series that goes all the way back to the 1940s. That’s about forty years ago.” “Wow!” Uncle Sean came back and Auntie Eiboline whispered. “Maybe I can find you some easy to read books on some of the ways you feel. That might help you understand how some stuff isn’t your fault when your insides tell you it is?” Auntie went off to go see what she was talking about, but Uncle sat down with me again. “So, let’s see if Kookaburras really laugh….” He pushed a the book between us, two seats at the table, and we shared. He read it and I looked at the pictures and told him what the pictures told me. I couldn’t remember the last time I was in front of a book so happy to see one. It wasn’t taunting me with words I couldn’t read because Uncle Sean read, and it wasn’t hiding things from me because still, Uncle Sean read and then he told me simple, what it said. I didn’t have to worry. If I looked at Uncle, he didn’t make me ask. He just said the word I don’t get, and he told me why it meats what it was. “Hold on, Cait. I have a question now. May I go look ask for myself?” “Okay,” Cait smiled at her uncle still looking at the lastest find, still curious about the Kookaburra. Cait read: “They are fo- fu- fond in ha habi-ta-ts rang-in frum hum-id forest to ayrd sa-va-na, as well as in sub-turb-an are-as wit tall trees or ne-ar run-in water. Cait’s leg started bouncing. She didn’t really understand any of that, but Uncle Sean will explain it when he comes back. It was interesting though how much they had on the bird. It doesn’t even live in America. How do books know what animals in other parts of the world are like? She looked up and didn’t see Uncle Sean or Auntie Eiboline anywhere. She looked back down at the book as her legs twitched a little closer. “Uncle left you here by yourself,” she heard a voice. There was a chomp in the air, but it missed the words. “If you embarrass your Uncle, this will be the (chomp).” “Hey!” the ghost was slowly appearing. “I’m just warn (chomp).” Kookaberry and the ghost were staring each other off. The ghost seemed to fade from view, but Kookaberry wasn’t fooled. Cait’s arms moved the bear up over head, and the Bear rotated around slowly until it faced the front again. Cait’s hand bumped an ear. The ear twitching? Cait held Kookaberry tighter, her legs starting to wiggle under the table. “Do you see a toilet?” Cait whispered to the bear. The Bear peeked up again at everything in its view, and Cait lifted her head just enough to look around, but even if she could see one, unless it was just a universal sign that she missed, she didn’t see anything that showed the way. “We could walk out to the desk and ask someone, or just look from the open area over there. It might be easier to see.” “And then Daddy will have your hide for real,” the ghost’s words were back stronger. “Look. You know you can’t read! Even if they told you how to get there, how would you? You’d be peeing all over the place and doing what Daddy tells you not (Chomp chomp chomp). Cait would have told you she felt the rumble in the Bear’s tummy through her hands if she was asked how she knew the stuffed bear was eating the words. “Cait knows (chomp chomp chomp) right.” Cait’s hands went down to the pants, and held herself tight, one arm still tightly holding Kookaberry against her chest even with her hand trying to block any liquid. There was warmth down there. It felt a little more than just pre-pee. An older kid, maybe three or four years older, maybe, walked up to Cait’s table. “Hey. You look scared.” Cait shook her head. “Are you sure?” Cait tried to smile. “I’m just waiting for my Aunt to come back. She’s getting a book for me.” “Okay.” The older kid, maybe fourteen or fifteen years old walk through and out of sight. “Cait?” Kookaberry whispered giving the ghost a chance. “If you move from this table, you’ll embarrass Sean. Let’s say he doesn’t get mad. Let’s say he picks you up and defends you after you spread all your filth...(chomp). “Wait, Kooka. I… I want to know the last part.” The Bear’s mouth seemed turned slightly. Cait thought she saw a bear tooth peeking form the the top lip. Still, the bear rested and Cait could barely hold the bear as she felt it shivering through her fingers. “If you pee all over the library, and everyone sees it, do you think other people will respect them? They just let you dirty the place their kids all go to read, and now, the Kinsellas will lose their (chomp chomp chomp).” “Ghost is wrong,” Kookaberry seemed to have its face turned left and then right. “Ghost is just scaring you. That’s what (boo-ooo-ooh). The Ghost seemed to find it’s own way to cut Kookaberry off like what Kookaberry did to it. Cait’s legs were really moving around now, under the table. Auntie was busy. Cait didn’t see Sean. She was getting close. “Just do it right here, and hide it,” Ghost with wafting fumes of ghost rising from its own dingy pee stained faint dress. “The better you (chomp chomp chomp).” “No shame, boo-oo-ooh!” Cait felt more drizzle into her underwear, only now, she could feel it was heavy in the pants. She was actually staring to pee her pants, as she sat there. Chapter 28 Now You Did It, Didn’t You Her lap started to darken and gross smelly water licked out from her into her hands. Her legs slapped together, but it only caused the slap to get louder because wet jeans make that sound that dry ones don’t. Taunts filtered through her ears, not just through the ghost, but through other people, like the ghost had something like Kookaberry’s Just-a-mind thingy. “Mommy! Look,” a child way younger than Cait yelled across the library. “That girl’s chair is leaking! Her pees was running off of the chair, and she could hear the pit pats that usually damped inside her underwear were now heard falling off her chair to the carpeted floor under her. “Disgraceful, how some kids’ parents don’t teach their kids anything,” Cait hear a lady maybe just become an adult stage whispering to another girl as they passed by. “You said it. Honestly! Thumb in her mouth, Bear in her arms, and peeing all over the floor. What a stupid butt baby!” The two of them landed right in front of Sean, looking them in the eye and a frown on his face. Cait felt tears running down her cheeks though her mouth made no other sound but sucking on a dirty pee-wetted thumb in her distress. Her legs are still banging into each other, but the floor is already on the floor. What little dribbles still fall are from what is already in the chair. And there is a loud hum of this is exactly what I was talking about rant that was popping through her ears. “Now, everyone knows, and the Kinsellas are going to be thrown out of town because some ten year old is just like Daddy says she is.” One of the women nearly bumped into a stone wall of a man with his arms crossed and his eyes narrowed at the both of them. “Here, let me get that beam out of your eye,” he whispered. “What?” the woman looked up at the man now strengthening his glare at the girls. “That beam,” he unfolded his arms. “The one that’s right there blocking your path to a better choice. You want to spread gossip, do you? What would it feel like if someone found out that two nearly adult girls were walking through the children’s section, targeting a scared little miss that is clearly distress with harmful words because they don’t know nor do they care to research the word empathy in their studies?” “You can’t… you don’t even… She’s too old!” “Get out my sight before I have the library call security. We’ll see whose side security is on, if you’d like that.” The girls ducked away. Sean jogged the last few steps to the table and he scooped the sobbing soggy lass into his arms and pulled her body right into his shirt. “Cait, it’s okay,” he whispered. Her brain stuck at his shirt. She couldn’t hear anything for moments. The scene was strange and her heart raced. She was floating up into his chest while her bear fell tot he floor and her thumb came out of her mouth to wrap around his neck. It was so slow. Her ears were still useless, no noise. She didn’t hear the sounds of the whispy ghost that was quickly fading. A hand bent down with the left side of Uncle Sean, and he picked up Kookaberry and he tucked the bear back into her arms. Her ears were now starting to catch up as sounds started to cut through the thick air. “Now.” was the only word she picked up on. Several people came over, but their hands were not pointing. They were not laughing. They were not looking at her pants or the bear. They were looking into Sean’s eyes who was shaking his head at them, and one by one, they went back to their own doings. Sean sat Cait down, back in her chair, him sitting in her pee, as though it didn’t matter to him, and he had her still in his lap, and he turned the book page where he had found what he was looking for earlier, as if she had not just shamed him. And her teary blurry eyes could only look up into his stronger protective ones. Her only question on her lips. “Why?” “You are reading, Cait,” he whispered silently. “You are doing nothing wrong. You don’t get to be chased out of a learning place where you weren’t bothering people just because some of them don’t want to understand. This library is for everyone, pet.” Chapter 29 Movies Don’t Need Lunch, Cait “Sean, we should take her and clean her up. I know you want to make a point about her worth and no one gets to chase her away. I think you made the point, but the point isn’t worth her being in wet underpants that might get her a yeast infection or something is it?” Aunt Eiboline was sitting at the table with them by then, and she didn’t say anything for a bit. How long, Cait wasn’t sure. But she shrugged at sitting in pee. She was used to it. “You’re right, as always Eiboh. And you were right. I guess I was being juvenile by sitting here on purpose as though the pee doesn’t matter. It probably does matter to the library staff. I just don’t think it matters as much as Cait does.” “Well, I’m not saying Cait doesn’t matter. It’s exactly why….” “I know, Eiboh. You are right that her health is more important than the point that she has a right to be here.” Cait just listened to the two of them talk for a minute. “I’m sorry I….” “No,” Sean rose a finger. “You are not sorry, Cait. You are not sorry because you didn’t do anything to your Auntie or to me.” “But everyone will think you have a dir.” “Cait, no,” Sean swatted her butt. “Stop it. You are not dirty. Anyone who wants to hear gossip out of context will say what they will, but our friends know that we hate gossip, and they know to ask me if they want to know what happened.” Cait froze for a moment, thinking. She peed, and he didn’t swat her. She touched the dresser that Auntie told her not to, and he didn’t swat her. She kept forgetting to tell them when she started to wet her pants, but he didn’t swat her? Why… why did he swat her? Why didn’t it hurt? What was so bad about telling the truth that she’s dirty? “It’s not true, though, “Kookaberry’s soft body rubbed against her arm as she was settled in the car. “You’re not dirty. You don’t like wet pants. You hate it. You’re just… scared to go to the bathroom, like Uncle Sean says. He says toilet training, you’re not ready because you’re scared, not because you’re dirty. Don’t you listen?” “Daddy says...(Chomp!)” Cait nodded. He was getting annoyed earlier. Maybe he just doesn’t like it. He keeps saying “No.” And Cait held Kookaberry out to look into its glassy button eyes. “Uncle Sean doesn’t want me to say I’m dirty no more, and he doesn’t want me to say….” She looked at Kookaberry for more answers. “Now,” Uncle Sean’s favorite word, Cait realized, “We are going to go shopping and get some clothes four little beautiful cousin to change into. Then we’ll go see a show, and after that, we can have a nice little dinner out. How does that sound?” “Kookaberry,” Cait whispered to her toy. “Uncle Sean said I’m getting some new clothes.” “Yes, he did, Cait. You are important to him. He wants you to be comfortable. He doesn’t mind the messes. I didn’t lie, did I, yesterday… before the park?” “No.” “What about lunch?” Cait put her finger on her lips thinking they had not skipped lunch since they had been there. “Have you never been to the movies?” Auntie Eiboline asked while Uncle was driving, his own wet butt on the driver seat, but no one said anything about him being wet. He chose to sit in Cait’s mess, and they were going to buy her clean clothes. Cait dismissed that. She could guess what Kookaberry would say and what Uncle Sean might say. Of course she could. Kookaberry? She giggled. Cait shrugged. “No, I never went to a movies before.” “Five kids, Cait. You know Daddy says we can’t do that kind of stuff.” The ghost was starting to taunt Cait and question the cousins as being smart. “But he can go to the restaurant, can’t he?” Cait frowned. “He goes to the one that sells the adult amber stuff and where people are loud some times,” Cait’s voice wasn’t quite to herself as much as she thought it was. “What do you mean, she goes to the restaurant by himself sometimes?” Uncle Sean asked. Cait thought back to the time she ran away from school in third grade, maybe it was…. He searched for her maybe… she wasn’t sure how long, but he picked her up after finding her, and they didn’t go home. There was a dingy like restaurant that she remembered where they had a long bar where he had some drinks. She had been sitting off by herself a little closer to the door, but where he could see her. She even peed there, because kids weren’t even supposed to be there, so she was to sit and be quiet, and that’s what she did. “Well, Cait, if we were to feed you lunch right now, and we could…. Restaurants are everywhere, but sweetie? There is a joy at movie theaters you can only understand through experience, and I would not take that away from you,” Auntie Eiboline whispered. “Aye,” Sean whispered. “Popcorn, or especially caramel corn, candy, soda pop, and a movie! That’s relaxation, that is.” Cait scooted to the edge of her seat. “I’m not allowed soda pop.” “Wrong house, Cait. His rules don’t mean anything to us.” Cait felt her hands shake a little bit, and she glanced down at her lap where she felt a little damp-wet. “He left you for the summer with us, so he has to live with the fact he did leave you with us. Just like he doesn’t want us to sue him for something you might do… well, if he’s not responsible for what you do, then he’s not responsible. We are, little Cait-i-kins!” Chapter 30 New Tries-ees? As the car came up on the little shopping area, Eiboline helped Cait out of the car. “We’ll just be looking around until you get inside. We’ll be by the little Miss area.” Auntie held my hand, but I didn’t mind at all. “You see why Daddy says you are trouble, don’t you? You wanted someone to hold your hand, and you are glad to just replace your mother, just like that, just because this lady holds your hand. Are you a baby? Are you even a good (doter)? You are stupid, Cait. They treat you like a big girl, and you go and do this…. Stupid.” “Stupid,” Cait whispered to herself. I held Kookaberry to my face and smelled in the bear. He was safe. He smelled like the wardrobe, but he also had a hint of Auntie’s perfume on him. “Would you like jeans, a skirt, or something else, Cait?” Auntie asked as we got closer to the area where they had clothes that fit me. “Look at this wanna be mother!” The ghost whispered. “She’s making you choose what to put on after you just peed all over the library! She’s no mother. She probably let other kids pee their pants, too. That’s why she doesn’t got any. Her kids ran away because she told them to do it instead of spanking the for doing it.” Cait frowned. “Kookaberry?” “Well, that is, I don’t remember the boy doing that. I don’t remember what she would have done. But I think the ghost is just trying to confuse you. So…. It’s nicer to hit you and call you names for having a hard time, than it is to hold your hand and tell you not to call yourself names?” Cait stopped abruptly and Auntie looked down at her. “Are you alright, pet?” “Am I a baby to you?” she looked up at Auntie Eiboline and searched her eyes. “No, sweetheart. You are a ten year old child. You’ve had a hard time, for sure, but you’re not a baby. Why would you think that?” “Because….” And she looked down at her soaking wet pants. “You listen here, child. That mess, caused by being scared all the time, that mess? That’s not your shame to carry, lass. It’s not good that they let you feel this way about yourself. But you can bet on one thing, pet. That man is not coming here to get you. If we take you back, we take you, and I have a talk with my dear good cousin to find out what has gotten in her head to treat her own child like this.” “Huh?” Auntie sighed. “I’m sorry. Just trust me, you are not going back there if they plan to continue to shame you for struggling, Cait-i-kins. You don’t deserve that. So, right now, what we need to figure out, is what to buy you to change into.” “Oh, I just thought you were going to buy me more pants,” Cait looked down. “I mean, it’s farm clothes?” “No, pet. You have pants at home because it’s what we had at the time. Now we are here, we can get you what you are comfortable in.” “Honest?” Auntie smiled and took her hand leading her over where the they had the kind of overall bib-skirts that go over your shirt like a boy’s overalls, but it was a skirt. “Would you be interested in something like this?” Auntie asked. “Um… yeah, I like it,” Cait tapped her mouth with her finger. “But can we look, or are we in a hurry?” “No, sweetie, we are in no hurry. This is your day. But let’s get you three changes?” “Three?” “You know, because the movie will be long and we really should get you a nice dress for church next Sunday, too.” “You really mean it?” Cait felt her feet bumping up and down, not exactly jumping really, but really close to it. She had her Bear still in her arms, and Auntie had not tried to take it away. While Cait and Auntie were looking at another skirt, Uncle walked over with a pair of black nice Mary Janes and he waved Cait over. “You want some nice shoes for church, don’t you?” “I thought we just getting something so you not ashamed to take me to see a movie with wet pants on?” Cait asked. “You thought wrong then,” Uncle Sean smiled. “It’s not about shame or what is practical, Cait. It’s about a little girl getting to be a little girl, isn’t it? I never heard of a girl going into a store and coming back with just one pair of pants or shorts and a pair of panties. Doesn’t happen. It’s not natural, and you are a little lady, sweetheart. That means, we treat you like a little lady that wants clothes!” “So… I thought Auntie was saying she’d get me two things to wear and a Sunday dress, and I thought… she still had to ask you… and ….?” “Eiboline? Just two things she has a choice with and her Sunday dress? Look, whatever we agreed to last night, I don’t remember. I was sleeping. But we got money, Eiboline. We can get her more than that.” “But my cousins will be furious if we buy her….” “Well, that man should have been more careful to leave her bags and shouldn’t have made sure to make it a point that we were responsible for Cait while she was here, not him.” There was a fiery look in his eye that I could tell his Irishness then. “He can get upset all he wants. He did this! Sending a child to us in a dingy dress that she was forced to pee herself in, and then took her stuff with him. Did he really think I wouldn’t get her a dress for church that wasn’t dingy?” “So… you never changed your mind about her getting three dresses, two that she can wear and dirty as she pleases, and seven sets of skirts, pants, and shorts as she pleases?” Eiboline asked him.” “Too Right!” he nodded with exaggeration. “And ten shirts and several packs of panties so she doesn’t have to worry about smelling when she goes to church. She’ll keep one set of panties in one of the drawers that are just for church so no one sees her wearing stained panties,” he lifted her and patted her butt. Cait squirmed a little bit as he patted her wet butt because she was till soaking wet, but as he continued to talk while patting it, she relaxed. It felt good not to be hit and yelled at for it. “I want that for her, not because of shame, but because she wants to feel equal to everyone else that doesn’t worry about pee pees even if she needs a second pair of panties at church,” and then he held me out a bit to lock eyes and asked me. “Right, love?” “Uncle Sean?” Cait shook a little bit, almost scared to ask. “Um… I… I like… um… am I being stu…?” “Cait?” Sean’s head shook side to side. “Watch your words, love. You’re not allowed to say that word right now.” “I’m not allowed to say stupid. I’m not allowed to say dirty. I’m not allowed to talk like that. It’s do different that it’s scary, but somehow, I like being scared that way. It’s… I don’t like being stupid.” Cait searched for something to talk to, but the ghost was quiet. Kookaberry was resting it’s head in her arm, like it was sleeping. She frowned. “Sorry. I just… um… I’m scared.” “Good girl. Now tell me what Cait-i-kins is afraid of, love. We’ll fix it.” “Um… Panties leak too fast, when… it’s hard to hold it.” Cait was shaking and even as she looked across the aisle from the girls stuff trying to find the boy’s underpants, she bit at her lip wondering…. “Maybe I am weird?” “Go, on, sweetheart. No judgment from Uncky, sweetie.” Cait thought about Grainne sitting there in her good dress when Cait was a lot younger, and remembered the shame of having a diaper on under it, even though Grainne was like a third grader. “You pissed your pants last week at school,” her dad scolded her that morning. “So now, you wear diapers to church, and if you keep wetting your diapers at church, then you keep wearing them. What’s weird, Grainne, is wanting to piss on the Lord’s stuff.” “She was crying,” Cait whispered to Kookaberry. “Daddy didn’t let her put on panties though. I don’t know if anyone at church saw.” Cait put a finger in her mouth as she looked up at Uncle. “Well…. And it being church is it just-be-spectful if I wore something I not made to? I don’t want other people to think I being just-be-spectful on the Lord’s stuff.” “Just tell Uncky what you mean, love. Beating around the bush doesn’t get what you want. I need to know how to help you, just like I need to know when you are pee peed, so we can change you, hon.” “Um… boy panties are… thick. They hide the pee longer until I can get in the bathroom? Maybe I don’t pee on the Lord’s stuff because I can wait longer with pre-pees…. Maybe It doesn’t get on the chair.” “God didn’t invent underwears, Cait. If you like the thick feel of boy undies, then we get you the thicker undies. Okay? But Cait? The Lord cares more that you are there than if your dress, your seat, or the floor is wet. He knows our struggles, and he is made happy that you chose him even when you are scared or you have trouble being what people think you should be.” Her face blushed. “Okay…,” but her face was red and she was shaking. Was it really okay? She looked over at the dresses, nice and innocent and what girls wear, and then she felt down into her wet pants and touched her wet underwears. “Is this okay?” She took her hand out of her pants before Uncle thought she was doing something bad. As they walked around, Cait noticed that they didn’t just linger in clothes. They got her some socks and other basics of course, but they did land in the toys. “Cait. All those toys we put in your reach, you still play with those as much as you want,” Auntie told her. “But your Uncle and I were talking, and you need some princessy and Girl toys, too. So, you walk through this section, and you get seven was it Sean?” “Yeah, seven. Get seven activities that don’t have to be girl stuff per se, but it has to be Cait-- I want this-- stuff. So, there will be some explicit girl stuff among it, but it doesn’t have to be all girl stuff. Do you understand?” Cait shook her head and held Kookaberry tightly. “Kookaberry?” “Kookaberry is always yours, baby. What we mean,” Auntie Eiboline sighed. “We don’t want you to feel like you HAVE to play with boy toys all the time. We want you to own the choices of some of the activities you have at home….” “Huh?” Sean put a hand on her shoulder. “Make sure you pick seven things that when you want to feel more like a girl, you can still play in the house. Okay?” “Oh. Okay.” Cait looked in the cart as they started to count up things they wanted for her. Her heart felt tight. Her hand clenched. Her feel shook. She slid her hands down the legs of her soaked pants. She looked up. “Um… Uncle? You got too much,” Cait frowned as she looked up at him from just beside the cart. “We did?” “Um yeah. It’s more than ever.” One year, at Christmas, Cait didn’t know where it came from, but when there were too many things under the tree, they opened them all, but then Daddy shook his head. “Girls, you know that Santa made a mistake. Cait, tell me how many times you were a good girl this week. How many days were your pants dry? Grainne? How many times did you get in a fight just before the end of school. You girls see? Santa made a mistake. You can pick three gifts, then we have to give the rest to someone else who deserves toys.” Sean counted out the items in front of Cait. “No… seven bottoms… check. Three dresses… It looks like we got what we said, Cait-i-kins.” “No, I mean. It’s not even Christmas, and this is like three years of stuff at one time!” She shivered at what daddy would say at this haul. She didn’t want to be (grady)? “Cait. You need to remember something. We are getting you things to last the whole summer, and because your bag got left in the car, you need this stuff. We do it because you matter, and I know your Daddy is struggling and what he can get isn’t his fault.” Aunt Eiboline narrowed her eyes. Her mouth tightened. She shivered. She didn’t say anything. Sean emphasized. “As much as we don’t agree with a lot of what he’s doing, he does have five girls and not enough money, so it makes sense you think this is three years of stuff. But we have just one girl for the summer, and we aren’t hurting, Cait. We didn’t get too much.” Auntie nodded. “We probably didn’t get enough, but we’ll get more in a while, pet.” When they approached the store clerk to check out, he looked down at Cait’s wet jeans, but his comment is something Cait looked up into his face to try to understand. Cait flinched at first. Her hands were tightened, and she grabbed hold of Uncle Sean and pressed her face into his side. Here it comes. The ghost will pop out any minute, and the clerk will…. “Wet your pants, hon? Were you on a long trip?” He asked her as if it wasn’t something that mattered in a way that needed to be ridiculed. It felf more like he was saying it’s normal for kids her age to do on long trips? It was like weather or something? Cait’s blushing face peeked partly away from Uncle Sean enough to see him with one eye, and she nodded with her hand trying to squeeze between Uncle Sean and where she pushed her cheek against him, putting her thumb in her mouth. Chapter 31 Going Bananas “Yeah,” Sean smiled. “She just had a little set back, we’re fixing it. You don’t have a bathroom she can borrow to get her pants changed, do you?” “Oh, of course we do,” he smiled cheerfully. Then he spoke into a loud speaker thingy. “Michelle, teller one, please. Michelle, teller one!” “By the time we get this stuff rung up, the young lady will be here and she can show the little miss, or if she needs some morale support, she can bring her aunt along, but there’s a restroom in the back. Not supposed to let customers use it, but what am I going to do, send a ten year old kid out of the store in wet clothes? They can fire me if they don’t like it. It’s not like they pay top pay here.” “We’re going to see the new movie out. I think it’s Des-in-neys?” Sean and Eiboline exchanged glances. They looked sad even though Cait was every excited about seeing a Des-in-neys movie. “Do you mean a Disney?” Movie the store clerk asked. “No. They said it was Des-in-neys Erby Goes Bananas,” Cait explained. The clerk look up at Uncle. “It’s not something you want explained, trust me,” he sighed. “Just agree with her. It’s easier for now.” “Uncle? How long the movie is on?” Cait asked. “Do they have a toilet inside there? You said popcorn. How do they put popcorn in a place for a movie? And I can really have pop? But if I have pop, mom says pop makes you pee, and she say I’d pee all night in my bed!” Even as she was chattering in the car on the way there, Uncle and Auntie chuckled “Cait, slow down. You’ll see soon enough.” Cait was soon in a big backed comfortable seat she imagined is in one of those nice train or bus rides that she thinks people use sometimes to go across the country. The giant screen stretch across the forward wall so giant that she felt like she had to turn her head, and even while they talked about other programs that were going to be offered later in the summer, she couldn’t help turning her head this way and that around the entire wall. It was so huge. The sounds seem to come from right beside her, behind her, above her and everywhere. This was no television thing. She was proud of knowing how to say television. Sean on one side of her opened her twizzler red licorice thingys. She never had those before. This was going to be good. “Sean,” Auntie Eiboline whispered at him. “She’ll never finish that tub of caramel corn and that large drink!” “So?” Sean whispered back while they were getting it back at the snack area. “She doesn’t always have finish everything, does she. But she’ll have it if she wants it. She knows she won’t be in trouble for peeing, so why not let her have it?” Auntie frowned. “You are too much Sean!” “Well, what is the point of having her if we can’t spoil her?” And so the three of them sat there, the theater was so big and so grand and so… magical. And right in little girl’s lap, was her constant companion. Uncle put a safety pin on Cait’s new shirt and then he pinned the bear with a leash made from a suspender that he tied around Kookaberry in case she fell asleep, so she wouldn’t lose him if they left and forgot to look for him. “That car is driving itself!” Cait exclaimed clapping her hands and her knees got excited too, and clapped with her hands. There was one tiny small (chomp) but Cait didn’t even see the ghost or hear its whisper, so she wasn’t sure. Was it trying? It didn’t matter. The credits were starting. The car was driving itself. There was a man who was introduced. She didn’t know what his real problems were. There was a boy. He said Herby is called Ocho. She just took it all in as though there were no take backs or no parts that said another part is wrong. It was all just a car moving by itself, and it has feelings, too, just like Kookaberry. “That’s your vans name, you know,” she whispered. “It’s Dis-i-neys Erby.” Kookaberry rubbed its soft body on her arm in agreement. If another kid after the movie was asleep and if Cait should be, no… maybe it was the sugar. Maybe it was the excitement. Maybe it was that they had a boy her age in the movie. Maybe it was the car and it’s connection to her magic bear. She didn’t know. But she sat there quiet for nearly the entire movie. She felt the warm water in the seat at some point, but she looked up at the adults and she saw Uncle put an arm around her still laughing and her he knew she was wet but he didn’t ask. And she knew it was okay. The car coming apart in the end of the movie was so magical because Sean explained that cars are not like flesh of people. The car didn’t die. The engine is the car’s soul and the car can be fixed because it’s engine parts, so Herbie was okay. And Cait giggled. “You hear, Kookaberry? Your van can cut in half you have to, and you need a dep-i-a-ty to help and when you need two places, van can be two and you both go different and then you need a ga-rajee person to fix your van.” Her whispers were really low, very respectful of everyone around. Besides, these were Kookaberry’s secrets, so she can’t said it too loud anyway. When Cait felt herself peeing a second time near the end of the movie, she heard the bear (chomp) again just as Uncle Sean picked her up, and she hugged him so he knew she didn’t even pee in her sleep, but he just pat her wet butt and whispered. “What do you think about Herby?” “I can’t tell you unless you put your hand on your heart and stick out your tongue and say nah on your tongue. It means you can’t tell no body except Auntie because you tell her everything.” Chapter 32 The Heart of Darkness “I wet my pants, twice,” Cait looked up as Sean carried her out of the theater, a couple of people looked their way, but it was hard to tell if they heard, of if happenstance, it didn’t matter. (Chomp). The ghost stayed invisible for now. “But that’s okay, right Uncle Sean?” He kissed her head. “I’m glad you told me, hon. You’re learning to tell, and that will help us take better care of you. We’ll change you soon, pet. But not here. It’s too crowded in these ones. People trying to get to their seats, you understand?” The sun was nearly setting on this perfect day that Cait had with her family. No one cared or worried about her bottom, and she was still bouncing in his lap recalling a few likes like “5 and 3 make 8. Any body know that.” her voice exactly trying to match the Mexican boy and laughing. A bird is soaring over them and circles the restaurant where a whisper is cut off by (chomp) this one so tired and nearly out of just habit, it seems the whisper is barely worth Kookaberry’s time, still, he is there on guard. The door of the small building opens, and a family exits. Two toddlers and two adults. The man of the family glances and Cait’s face and smiles, but he doesn’t linger or think too much because the elder of his own two girls is tugging at his arm to be lifted up, too. The smell of Mexican spices and maybe tortillas linger at the doorway. “And then, the Chinese guy said. When come to end of book, time to close book, but then they make the car mad and the Chinese guy says… he says… he says it doesn’t close the book!” she was trying to quote the movie, but having only seen it once, she couldn’t remember all of the lines. Her legs are wet, she feels icky and sticky, and there is a lingering smell around her, but she’s not focused on that as they walk through the waiting area towards the restrooms on the other side of the restaurant. Eiboline is in close to them, her hand on Cait’s wet ankle to ground her, and her other hand carrying a bag with a change for her. A high pitched giggle in the restaurant caught Cait’s ears. She glanced around. A high pitched giggle in the restaurant caught Cait’s ears. She glanced around. And there they were. Ruth. And Billy. And their mom and dad. Ruth, still a little smaller than Cait, was pointing with wide eyes at the steam rising from a plate of fajitas someone was carrying past their table. Billy saw the same waitress, and he smiled whispered to his sister. Then, there was a moment of horror! The large boy looked just behind the waitress. There was Sean’s face. He seemed to gulp as he looked towards her. Cait looked and locked eyes with his. Her legs squeezed against Sean, and she buried her face into Sean’s neck, but she saw the boy still, through a small peephole she glance through between his chest and her hands covering her burning red face. His eyes seemed to first see the redness of her buried face or at least her hands, and then had to have seen the leash on the bear. She squeezed her legs together out of habit of anyone at school seeing. Billie moved so Cait didn’t see Ruth’s face. He whispered but she heard it carry a bit so she could just hear a little. “...thee! Keso-fun-di-do!” and she knew the sound of the excited cry of her friend from the park. Cait’s heart thumped in her chest. “Your friend will….” But though Kookaberry (chomped) he seemed to miss or the ghost just just-appeared and came back behind him. She didn’t know. But it was still talking. “...will see your wet pants now. She’ll know you lied at the park and you did pee!” “I didn’t pee,” Cait whispered with a frown. “Not then.” “You did know though,” Cait’s legs were shivering. “Oh! The gooey cheese!” she heard Ruth excitedly look to her mom though she couldn’t see Ruth’s face. “I want that!” Even as Cait was carried out of sight, she knew he had seen. The Bear on a leash, the soaked pants as his gaze dropped to her butt and legs, and her red face tucked in Sean’s chest. He saw Uncle Sean. He knew it was her. At the bathroom, she whispered up. “Come in with me, Uncle, they saw.” “Who saw, hon?” “Ruth and Billy. They know I peed my pants. At the tables over there!” She pointed in the direction, but her aim was off because she refused to look in case they looked back and were to confirm who they had seen. “Give me the bag,” Sean told Eiboline. “You go get us a number. We’ll be out soon. The girls will understand when they see Cait’s distress. And if they don’t, then shame on them.” Auntie rubbed Cait arm. “You’re safe, sweetheart.” As another woman started in with a kid a little older than Cait, Sean looked the mother in the eye. “I’m taking my little cousin in next after the last woman leaves. If you go in there, you go in there knowing I’m coming in with a scared and upset little one that needs her pants changed.” The woman gave him a glance over for a moment. “Well, you won’t need to open any doors.” “Only the stall for the little one that’s having a hard time that I am taking care of. That’s the only one.” “Then I see no issue,” and she walked in and started telling the other women in there. “A Dad is about to bring his retarded kid in here for help,” he heard it. Cait heard it. “So if anyone doesn’t want him in here with them, I suggest you leave quickly.” Ruth’s mom came into the bathroom, and not moments later and noticed that Sean, not Eiboline was in there with Cait. “Where’s Eiboline?” “Eiboh’s going to get us a table, Susan. I’m sorry to be in here like this, but Cait needed me right now.” “I’m not retarted,” Cait sniffled. “Of course not, child,” Susan frowned. “Who called you that?” “A woman that told everyone my dad was taking me in here. I don’t care that they called Uncle Sean Dad. But she said I’m retarted just cause….” and she felt the tightness in her chest she gets when she wants to cry. “You’re not retarted, sweetheart. It’s okay. Billy told me that Eiboline might need help so I came to see what I could do.” “Billy saw me,” Cait looked up at Uncle Sean. “He thinks I retarted, too.” Susan put a hand on Cait’s back. “No child, he doesn’t. He wouldn’t have told me that Eiboline needed help if he thought that.” Cait opened her hands and looked up at her. “How come?” “Because, little lady. We know some people that get that all the time. That is one term my kids will never use if I have anything to say about it.” “I peed at the movies.” “That doesn’t make you anything, but wet, little girl. Accidents sometimes happen.” “Just as I keep telling you, Cait-i-kins. People that want to gossip are not worth your trouble to think about, and people that care, ask you what happened. They don’t listen to rumors for truth.” “Billy saw,” Cait whispered. “Ruth saw. Now Ruth thinks I’m just a baby.” “No, child,” Susan frowned. “Ruth doesn’t even know anything. If Billy saw, he didn’t tell me what he saw. Of course, Ruth was right there. He just said Eiboline needed help. I thought she was crying or something. Turns out, Billy was just trying to get me to come to see if you needed help, probably.” Chapter 33 Friends Breaking Bread “The truth is, we are letting Cait have a break from toilet training at her own pace. This is a little trick though for a ten year old because of things like this,” Uncle Sean said as he pulled Cait’s pants down. “She’s just been hurt so badly and not just with physical violence.” “How does the state allow this?” Susan asked. “You hear about it all the time, raids of the state taking kids from deserving folk, and then you get something like this. So when you say take a break from toilet training?” “She’s allowed to pee or poop her pants as long as she comes to get help afterwards. She’s just… it’s not going to do anything to force her to use the toilet until she feels safe, and she’s still got a ways to go, as you just heard her fear about Ruth and what she might think.” “Poor child.” “Well, you obviously have the little child well in hand, so I’ll just see if my family will let us have you seat with us. I know Ruth will love it, love. She’s been going on and on about you all day since yesterday afternoon, how you are HER friend that she made, and you are a big friend and not because you’re her brother’s friend. You may not realize it, but you are her first friend that her brother hasn’t in some way influenced.” “Huh?” Cait came out much more elegantly than she went into the bathroom. She wasn’t crying, she was wearing a skirt, not pants, and she was smiling as she approached Ruth’s table where Eiboline was already seated. “Cait!” she squealed. Cait took a seat next to her, and Billy got an extra chair from another table to use so Cait could sit there. “So this is your summer guest,” Todd smiled at Sean. “She’s a lovely little lady, isn’t she?” “She is,” Sean smiled. “She’s far more sensitive to the needs of others than many know. She spent hours the other day taking burrs out of dog’s fur she barely knew because the doggy was suffering, her words, I kid you not.” “What’s the Bear’s name?” Ruth asked. “Kookaberry.” “Like the song, right?” Cait smiled. “Yeah, exactly. He chomps ghosts so they don’t hurt you with their -hunting-.” Cait smelled the food around her and her stomach tightened a little. She was hungry. She wondered what people were eating. She’d never seen a place like this before. She stood up and looked over her table towards another table where they had something flat bread with melted cheese and vegetables in it. To her left a few tables along, she saw what looked like the same flat bread, but rolled and stuffed with stuff. She started to walk. At the table others were talking. “Mommy,” it seemed that Ruth was ignored for a minute because mommy was talking to Mrs. Kinsella. Cait wandered over where she saw a man eating chili beans out of a bowl with the same flat bread. “Did someone lose a child?” the man suddenly barked a little irritated. “Didn’t anyone teach you not to stare?” Cait shrugged. “Uncle Sean says you’re not important,” and she turned and walked away from him. Cait suddenly sat down with some brown people. Her Daddy wasn’t there, so she didn’t care if he approved or not. “What are you eating?” she asked the girl with red and blue hair fixings that were pretty and hair that was interesting with so many braids, it was cool. Cait didn’t realize she was missed, but Sean caught up with her, and she frowned at the people there. “I’m so sorry. She’s… It’s her first time in a restaurant. I don’t mean to make excuses. I’ll teach her….” “Hey, man, no foul no harm,” the man at the table said. “She was just curious. She was actually really respectful. She was just telling my daughter how pretty her hair was and making her smile in a way I had no heart to tell her to leave!” “Cait, hon,” Sean patted her leg. “How about we go back to our table so we can get you something to eat?” Cait’s eyes caught sight of the ghost, about to tell her how she was bothering others. Cait smiled at it and even waved. Then, as the ghost started to open it’s mouth and Kookaberry started to open it’s mouth, she shook her head the bear and she faced that silent starting sound with her own. He hugged Sean tight, and she said. “Okay, Daddy!” The ghost’s words were cut off before they were registered. The bear even seemed to do a double-look at Cait. Cait hugged Sean tighter, and she laid her head on his shoulder, and she whispered again. “Daddy.” The ghost sat there, frozen. Cait could almost see it pre-peeing its pants like she does, but then she saw it. That white almost invisible ghost stuff… but in the form of a pouring liquid that poured down between the ghost’s legs and being unreal, could only go through the floor, but it was what it was. It was the ghost that peed, not Cait. She smiled again, and she let him put her back at the table. Chapter 34 Does it supposed to Hurt to take up Space? I crawled into Grandma-Auntie’s lap and looked up at her with a small falling tight tension of sorrow in my face when Daddy Sean brought be back to the table and I hugged her while she patted my skirt bottom. I studied her for a minute, her strong weather worn wrinkles in her eyes made me feel that this was a person that I knew I could trust. Her eyes were severe, but her arms and her heart were gentle. She didn’t smile broadly like fake people. She just was, and I knew it just was to her. I was safe knowing I didn’t have to be good by not going potty in my pants sometimes. “Auntie? Was I bad for walking around?” “Now,” she used Daddy Sean’s word, and I sighed and hugged her in relief. She wasn’t mad. Auntie put Kookaberry in my arms, and she pointed at the menu around me whispering in my ear what each item on it was, and what it meats. Billy pointed around her back and shoulder to something. “I like those.” “Billy?” his mom started. “No, Susan,” Eiboline whispered. “Let him. This is what Cait needs, someone who isn’t judging her for not reading, but just telling her what he likes without judgment. I’m grateful for his advice to her. I don’t think she’s ever had Mexican before.” “Oh, in that case, Cait, you’re safer getting this. It still has hot sauce and carries some fire in it, but it’s not as hot as what I like. You can try some of mine, though, if you are curious, just….” “What if we split two or three dishes if we include Ruth?” I asked Billy. “I don’t think we’ve ever asked if they do that here,” he frowned. “They do it in Chinese places.” “They have Chinese foods places like this?” “Well, kind of,” Billy said. I looked up at Auntie-grandma. “Could we do that somehow?” “Why don’t you make sure Ruth wants to do that first,” Auntie Eiboline smiled and then we’ll see if they can give us some extra plates or something. I don’t see why they wouldn’t.” “Yeah, I want to share! Ruth came over and put an hand on Billy’s arm while she scooted in front of him to get between her mom and Eiboline so she could be next to me. “I’m already getting this one. This one if really good. It called a Chicken Fa-eight-ah.” “If I get Taco salad, Sis gets Fajitas, and then Cait gets Burritos…,” Billy talked to the table. “Maybe that’s what Dan meant by she’s trouble,” Sean chuckled. “She wants to share, and we find we need to maybe think about how to split this cost because the kids will fight over the fajitas and the burritos if we just order one a meal a piece for them.” “Well, I can order the Burritos, too,” Auntie Eiboline smiled. I could have one of those and then maybe share something with you, Sean. You know how I eat anyway.” “Well, if she does that, Ruth’s mom whispered. We can do the same with the fajita, if you don’t mind.” “I’m sorry,” I rubbed Auntie’s arm until she looked down so I could say it right because no one heard me. “What are you sorry about, pet?” “Making everyone change orders and spend too much. You can just….” “No,” Sean stood up. “Cait, you listening? No one at this table thinks you deserve that. You are not second to anyone and you don’t beat yourself up. You come to us with a problem, and we solve it, pet. If you heard my troublemaker problem in the wrong light, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that you were a problem, love.” “She does this all the time?” Ruth’s dad asked. “About a lot more than just eating out, yes. She has to learn that she can take up space and be. Someone has made her feel too small for too long.” “Daddy at home,” I whispered. “Because I bad at home. I do bad stuff all the time and get in everyone’s way. That’s why they sent me here, so I can’t be in mama’s way. She has trouble enough now with she gets a new baby this summer. And my sisters can’t change my pants this summer because they working farm and I get in their on foot.” “You are not underfoot, Cait,” Sean reached over and rubbed my hands. “You are not bad, and you need to understand that all ten year old children need help sometimes.” “I going to be eleven in November.” “Ten or eleven, Cait, you are a child, and you need as much room as anyone else to be and to grow. You are not bad.” I looked down. “I peed my pants when we came in here.” “Cait!” Billy was impatient. “I did all that work to make sure you didn’t get embarrassed and my sister and you can be on equal foot, and then you tell her that in front of her?” “Uncle Daddy Sean says if our friends want to know, they ask us. They don’t listen at ghost ship. So if Ruth asked me or she don’t ask me, how can I her believes me if I don’t tell her what happened. I did pee, so she can ask and she doesn’t need to ask someone who mean to me if I peed.” Ruth looked between her brother and then me. “Hey! You saw my friend in the restaurant and didn’t tell me?” “She looked scared sis. I… you’re not close yet. I didn’t want her to be scared to be your friend. She… she talked to you, so I… I didn’t want to scare you from her or her from you, and yeah, I saw. She looked so scared hiding her head, and I know if I did that, I’d be scared, too. So I… I tricked you to look away so she could go where the Kinsellas were taking her. I didn’t mean to… you know… hurt your feelings, sis.” “Fine. If you just did it so she didn’t cry, then I assept your pologiss.” She hugged her brother. “That the real reason you won’t stay the night? Sometimes you pee even if you didn’t at the park yesterday?” Ruth asked. “Because we have another family friend who pees, and it doesn’t matter. Mama says pee isn’t who our friend is, and it not who you are. It’s just something we all do, and a few of us do it in our pants for a while, and it’s okay.” “You think like that? But I’m older!” “So? Age nothing to do about it, and it’s not a baby problem. You know you not a baby because it make you scared or you feel like you want to hide so you know you not a baby. Baby doesn’t know it not what to do when your body and your emotion and your education worked. And if you pee pee, I can help you find clean clothes. You just need help if you pee pee. That’s the end. Then we play again.” I looked at Ruth and my eyes feeling a pin prick or several, really, I started to understand. The Kinsellas, their friends, even a kid younger than me. They don’t see Cait pees her pants. They see Cait is a fifth grader and Cait can do things maybe with help. And I smiled. “Take that, ghost,” I whispered. “We don’t walk around when we have a table,” Ruth told me. “Mom and dad says that sitting at the table is the right thing, and we shouldn’t disturb other people, but they said we don’t have to be -shut your mouth, quiet- just quiet enough that we don’t bother other people.” “That’s right,” Susan told Ruth. “Cait might just need a little help understanding. Be patient with her.” I frowned. I think Susan doesn’t really know how much I don’t know. I mean, okay, at the bars I went to in the past, it was loud and big men moved about hitting balls on a table with sticks, and they spilled beer on the floor, and they put their faces in other drunk people’s faces and shouted at them, and then they both laughed. I was always scared at those places. A fly buzzed around the light above the table. It was targeting it’s perch as though it was a smart bomb or something. It flew through the maze of heads until it tangled itself in a forest of red strawberry smelling with pink bubble bath scented hair. It crawled and it stopped. It’s feet felt the hairs right at the right spot…. Voices became muffled, and it was like the fly was now quiet, not aware of danger out there, but as if it was seeping deeper and deeper into the feelings of one little girl as time seemed to jump back to a small dingy restaurant-like place. It wasn’t as bright as the Mexican restaurant. It was so dim. A man sat in a corner of the main bar, raising his hand for another glass of that awful amber liquid that was served in a heavy glass mug. The observation made from a small round table where a single little figure pushed its little arms further into its sides to avoid touching people near the table, and she closed her legs so small that she wouldn’t trip someone walking through. Loud Country Rock was playing, people talked over other loud groups of people who were so noisy and free spirited, it was like lunch time at school, only if they let all the grades in the lunch room at the same time, had no teachers that told child voice noises that they need to get smaller, and no one stopped anyone from spitting their mean words at each other in the ohter’s faces. It was just so loud! Daddy way over there drinking that amber stuff and these people so close to the small redheaded child, seemingly unaware or just not caring that she was watching them carefully to make sure they weren’t going to suddenly spit their loud crazy talk at her, and she saw Daddy, but the path to him was so crowded with people, she could get there. “Don’t make me hunt you down,” he had warned her when she was dropped off at the table. She had been given a glass of cola and then a glass of water. But she wasn’t to move. No Matter What. “Daddy, what the bathroom…?” “Cait? What did I tell you? Look, you are already in trouble for walking out of school earlier when you stole someone’s drink, peed on the chair again, and ran off during lunch. Do you want to give me a reason to use the belt on you at home? I already have three. Now sit and not another word about it!” The darkness lifted, and the fly flew away from that head as though it wanted nothing to do with these people at this table at all. That exchange was enough, that even a fly who has no reason to understand human behavior just knew on instinct that it wanted nothing more to do with her thoughts! “How do you know if you are too loud without teachers around?” Cait asked Ruth. Ruth shrugged. “Mom and dad. They shush us and remind us about our noise if we start laughing. They don’t get too mad if the noise is by accident, and long as we listen and we get quieter before we bother anyone.” “Your mom and dad, they always sit right next to you at the restaurant?” Cait’s eyes could still see daddy on the other side of the bar drinking a glass while drunk people crowded to close to her while pee poured under the table through her too thin and too tattle-tale thin fabric, and too I want to make everyone see while the pee hits the floor and everyone draws Daddy’s look at that, rather than that they are spilling beer and throwing up all over the place and getting against Cait’s arms and legs even when she pulled in…. “Yeah. I don’t think we ever sat separate, did we Billy?” “We did once, at that ice cream party.” “Yeah, but the whole one side of the restaurant was taken up by your baseball team, and it was a pizza party, and the rules were different. You were allowed to laugh and talk loud because you won your last game of the season. That was two years ago, right?” Food started to slowly come their way, root beers, brown filled soda in plastic cups for the children surprised Cait. Restaurants have cups for kids? “Some restaurants don’t have cups for big kids like us, but then their water glasses are small enough that if you use two hands, even a first grader won’t spill,” Ruth explained. “I don’t think you ever been to fam-ly restaurants, huh?” “No,” Cait looked down. “I only ever saw spitting, mean, yelling men that sometimes played their anger on a pool table for money or they drank until the loser loses his lunch to win.” “What kind of restaurant is that?” Billy looked up at his dad. “The kind you don’t need to know anything about until you are twenty-one, kiddo.” Billy’s dad ruffled his hair, but not like where daddy’s palm always hit my head hard and made me get watered eyes, Billy laughed and looked up at him with a big smile. He liked it! “Cait,” Auntie-grandma patted my leg. “So sit by your friends so you can eat and play a little. Just follow Ruth’s lead, and you won’t be too loud, I promise. If you are, we’ll let you know the right way, hon. No shame and no fear. Remember?” “Okay.” I hugged her and then took my place between Billy and Ruth. Billy was in the chair he brought to the table when we decided we were eating with them. My underwears felt a little wet, but I didn’t care. Uncle Sean didn’t care. And I already peed earlier, so it couldn’t be because I had to go potty. Maybe it was sweat and not pre-pee. The waitress made Ruth squeal with excited-ment when she put three empty dishes on the table in front of us kids. “Requested extra dishes,” she smiled at us children. “I wish more kids shared. It would waste a lot less food, and frankly make clean up easier for me.” I blushed. She liked that we were sharing. I didn’t remember if it was my idea or Billy’s idea, or if it was Ruth’s idea, but we agreed, and our parents got involved, too so we’d all have the same fraction of the same food. I felt like I did part of that. It felt good that my friends wanted to share, and that it helped the nice waiter-girl, too. We started to eat, and everyone was talking. I had a mouth full of this bread stuff with stuffing in it that had beans and other stuff, and it was good. Billy was telling Ruth something about fourth grade, the grade she would be going into, and Auntie Eiboline was telling Susan something. I felt my legs free, not being pushed into a tiny space to not bother, but actually pushing out, even touching Ruth’s legs, but she grabbed my leg and then sat her leg over it, as if she was in my lap, kind of partway, and smiling, she took a bite and winked at me. “You touching me doesn’t bother me, Cait. I like it.” A single comment from her past whispered in her ear from fourth grade. “Girls don’t fart….” Why did the ghost say that, right now? I looked over and around. I didn’t see the ghost. I went for another bit, and then my stomach hurt. I bent at the waist. “Cait?” Ruth’s voice sounded far off. “No, no, no!” I heard myself in math as the mess ran all over my chair. “No! This isn’t math class,” I was starting feel my shoulders shake, and my butt felt fiery. I tried to put a hand back, under my skirt, trying to pinch through my underwears at my bottom, but I could already feel it… filling up! Gross slimy brown liquid spat right through the underwears and into my hand. I pulled my hand out looking at it as horri-scared, as someone who’d been shot in the stomach and looked at their hand after looking. I couldn’t hear anyone else. I felt a heaviness pushing again and my underwears were too heavy. I felt it spreading and going all over the seat. “She pooped her pants,” I think Ruth said. “She’s crying! Mommy! Stop talking1 Cait’s stomach hurts! She’s crying! She’s pooping her pants!” “Now… you will not have any friends,” the ghost put its ugly white face changing into the face of Daddy in mine. “I told you, but you decided to call Sean your Dad. Who made sure you didn’t do this in public. Now, here you are, doing it in public. Let’s see how they stop the whole restaurant seeing what you did, and let’s see them make Ruth still be your friend. Don’t even, you useless bear! I told you this would happen!” Chapter 35 Please Don’t Mad; Not Hitting Mad; Just Mad? The Bear snapped at the air, but this was too real, too loud, too messy for Kookaberry. The ghost was here, and Kookaberry couldn’t take away the runny brown mess that even got on Ruth’s shorts. “You’re bites can’t stop this, stupid bear! You’re as hopeless as that little dirty panty messer that’s not even wearing the right panties! She’s wearing boy undies like a mixed up disturbed little….” but it didn’t say. It seemed saying anything else was going too far, but it was enough. Cait’s body made a sound, and then another rush of heavy mess logged in upon and over the rest of the mess already in her underwears and there was a sicking slimy slippery sliding that poured over the seat and down to the floor. Her skirt was just ruined. She was bawling with her cleaner thumb in her mouth. She didn’t know what else to do. Sean stood up. “We have a pair of shorts your daughter can borrow. Cait just bought them today, but I’m afraid… well, Eboline can explain to Susan,” he was already reaching under Cait’s arms. “I have underwears for your child she can borrow, if it doesn’t shock Ruth or you as her parents too much. You have to understand, Cait needs special care, and she’s scared that… well, Eboline can explain it to Susan in the bathroom.” “Wait, you’re going to let our daughter wear your daughter’s new things?” Todd asked looked up surprised. “Even if it were your daughter’s mess, it would be the right thing to do, sir. But Cait feels bad getting her dirty, and while it will help your daughter get clean, it will also reinforce what I’ve been teaching Cait. We clean it up, and it’s okay. And we got your little girl dirty, so we clean her up, and both your daughter and Cait will feel better. Trust me.” Todd frowned and nodded. “New clothes?” “Why not?” Sean asked. “They’re doing what they are supposed to. They’re being worn and used by children who need them.” Sean now had messy, thumb sucking, crying, shivering, scared Cait on his hip, his heavy warm hand rubbing her back and patting her messy butt. “She’s just scared. We get both her and her friend clean, and she’ll be okay,” he told the waitress. “Well, you people take care of your families, and I’ll have your food moved to a clean table. She’s not the first little girl to make a mess on my shift.” “You don’t have to,” Sean whispered. “I’ve been teaching her to clean up after herself. She just needs to feel….” “That’s nonsense,” the waitress waved him aside. “You take care of the child. It’s my job to provide you with a pleasant clean place to eat, and that’s exactly what I’ll do. It’s no trouble.” Cait was still bawling and couldn’t stop. She hated the ghost, her body, the whole thing. She couldn’t look at Ruth or Billy. She kept her eyes closed hoping not to see anyone look at her like… “You know, this is too far. We’ll be nice to you for our parents, but it’s over. You had no right to poop on me/ my sister. You’re not right.” A soft hand touched her arm, but she pulled it away not wanting fake comfort from a girl that was definitely just humiliated by her and grossed on by her. She didn’t need the younger child’s fake pity. Kookaberry seemed to hear something though. (Snap) It’s gnashing teeth were weak sounding and soft, but it was still there. He heard something. The Ghost stilled for a second. A second attempt a smaller hand on her dirty leg grabbed her ankle. “I’m not letting go.” sounded like it was underwater. It was muffled, another trick of the ghost trying to suppress what was there, but a light soft warm hand seemed to anchor to her ankle, and it wouldn’t drop even though Cait kicked at her feet at the fake pity. A very faint whisper, but the voice of the one that has been real with her since she found him, Kookiberry asked. “If it was fake… why is she touching your poop? Her hand is on your foot with poop on it.” Cait opened her eyes. They were walking through the restaurant towards the bathroom. Auntie wasn’t there. She was somewhere, but she wasn’t there. Around them, she saw Ruth holding her ankle, and though her dad tried to pull at her waist to lift her, she pushed his hand away. “Cait’s the one crying. I’m not letting go of her. She’s my friend. I’m not letting her think I’m not. I’m not. I’m not. I’m not!” As they opened the door to the men’s room this time, Todd looked at Billy. “Bill? Cait doesn’t want you watching her being dressed. Go in the toilet and use it.” “The urinals….” “Bill…,” Todd frowned at his son. “I know. But this time, just go in the toilet and use it, and stay there until I say otherwise. You care about this little girl, don’t you?” “Yeah,” Kookiberry could hear the resentment in his voice, but it wasn’t against his dad, and it wasn’t exactly against Cait either. It was… that he couldn’t help her, but Kookiberry told Cait that it wouldn’t be right. He’s not old enough to help with a mess like this, and his heart is right, but his actions are no needed. He likes you though.” Cait looked over where Billy shut the bathroom stall and she assumed was getting ready use the toilet. “Where’s Auntie-grandma?” Cait’s blurry eyes tried to focus on Sean. “She’s getting you and your friend some of your clean clothes. I told Ruth she could wear your shorts so she could be clean, too.” “Okay,” Cait breathed. “Good.” Her crying was forgotten for a minute. “I pooped my pants like last month,” Ruth looked at where Sean was still holding her. “It was at church and everything. Some of the other older kids yelled at me for it, and even two of the church ladies. I was crying. Mom told them to stop it. She said I’m a little girl that had an accident, and if their God punishes a baby for pooping her pants, then their Gods weren’t the same.” I looked down at her blurry form, my tears still trying to not let me see. Maybe it was the ghost again. “Your mom called you a baby?” “Yeah. But she only said that cause I was nine and the woman was way older and she was making a point that you don’t be mean to a kid that didn’t mean to have an accident even at church.” “And you’re really not… you know… mad that I got you dirty?” “It’s just stuff,” she shrugged. “I have to take a bath anyway when we get home. And your Uncle….” “No. My daddy,” I pulled tighter into Uncle Sean. “Sorry. Your daddy said I can wear your new shorts. I hope you’re not mad about that.” “I got you dirty. Why can I be mad when it’s my fault you’re dirty?” “No….” Ruth slapped her foot much like Sean popped her on the butt the other day when she called herself stupid, Cait remembered. Only Sean’s pop didn’t hurt because Sean chose not to have it hurt, and Ruth couldn’t really spank her, especially not on the ankle, but the message was the same. “Cut it out, Cait! You’re blaming and hurting yourself, and you’re wrong!” “You didn’t choose to poop your pants, Cait. If you did, you wouldn’t be bawling your heart out and sucking your thumb earlier! You got scared and everything! Something made it happen, just like what happened to me at church, and if your God makes you cry after you already got scared and punished for pooping, then he’s not my God, just like Mommy told that woman!” “I pooped my pants, and I’m ten,” Cait frowned. The energy for self hate now dissolved in front of a younger child who just saw no reason to let her be in that place. “So? I pooped my pants, and I’m nine,” Ruth whispered. “Think one year makes it okay if you can’t do it, but I can?” “I guess not,” Cait remembered getting it far earlier than being nine when she made mistakes. “Now, no more thinking about the mess on me. You get your daddy to put you down and you do what I do. You can do this. I know you can. You bigger than me, and I took off my own poopy panties at church.” “Now, wash your hands, first. You icky cause you tried to keep from pooping your pants. I did the same thing. I know how it feels and it’s gonna be gross, but we’re changing our clothes together, so we can be gross together. It’s okay.” While Ruth was taking off her messy shorts and leading Cait to take off her skirt, she saw the strange underwear. Cait looked down at the messy underpants and then up at Ruth, her finger on her lip. Ruth didn’t get mad about pooping her pants…. “You might not know,” Ruth sounded like she was being slow and trying to see how Cait felt as she said at each word. “But… those panties… Well, their made… not exactly… for girls.” “They hold pee better,” Cait felt her face flush. “When I’m almost going to pee my pants and trying to not let it get in my pants all the way because I want to be a big kid… they help with an extra second or two.” “Oh. Okay,” Ruth nodded. “If you wearing it because that, then I don’t care.” And then clothes were handed in at them while there was commotion outside, a firm stance by the two mothers. “Our children’s father are taking care of girls in there right now, and adult men can wait a few minutes. We’ll let little children boys in the girls’ room…” could be heard. Chapter 36 Wardrobe Division “She’s my friend… my friend… friend….” echoed in the darkness. A light soft hand grasped her ankle and didn’t let go. “I won’t… won’t… won’t….” The heavy stomach and thick slick sludge grunge dirty shorts and boy underwears out where everyone can see. Dirty underwears sticking it’s ooze on Cait’s legs and the shorts wet and sick on her friend, but the face is blurred, and the echoes continue. “...friend….” The rustle of blankets and sheets pushed back and away from a soaking wet pair of boy underpants that covered the middle of a pair of legs. A delicate hand touched the wetness in the underwears, confirming and somehow knowing this is normal, and the little body sat up. “You peed in the little boy’s bed,” she heard a whisper in the dark. “You peed the bed.” “I always pee the bed,” the little girl felt her mouth forming words, her throat working for the air it took to form those words, and her chest moving up and down as she looked around the dim room. The curtain was pulled back just enough that light was starting to break through the heavy fog of her dreams. “I’m not in trouble. Daddy’s not here.” There was no answer in the darkness to that. On the floor Kookaberry had fallen in the night, but it’s rescue line was still attacked to Cait’s pajamas. She didn’t change last night. Uncle Sean… Daddy… he changed Cait in the bathroom and Ruth’s dad wasn’t mad that he was changing Ruth, and Ruth was still smiling not only in the bathroom where she was being put in a pair of Cait’s new shorts that were just bought for her, but she was smiling through the rest of dinner. Billy was joking. Ruth got in Cait’s lap even after that, and hugged her and said that this little pissy and poopy pants… well, she didn’t even say pissy or poopy pants… she left that part out. She said: “This big girl is the best big girl in the whole big wide world, and I hope she stays the night soon.” “You were wrong,” Cait whispered into the darkness as she pulled Kookaberry’s leash until she could reach him and pull him into her chest. “You and your master, you are both wrong,” Cait whispered a little stronger into the dark. “Ruth didn’t leave just because I was bad.” “You’re not bad,” Kookaberry told me. “Remember? Daddy Sean says you just not potty trained, and he’s not going to potty train you until you ready, and not being ready is not the same as being bad. Remember?” “Yeah,” Cait frowned. “I be-membered. He says I am a big girl, but I just need time. He said it’s just water, and even the messes are just something to clean up, and not so important. He said to get him if I pee. I don’t want to though.” “He won’t be mad if you lie here and even go back to sleep,” Kookaberry whispered. “He knows it’s still scary for you to fully pee your pants. He won’t spank if you don’t do every single rule he makes. He only popped you once. The only thing he spanks for, is you saying the word s-t-o-o-p-i-t. If you don’t say that work, he doesn’t spank.” Cait nodded at the large empty room where no one could hear the conversation she was having. There were no ghost and no Kookiberry-s in Sean and Eiboline’s heads. There were no ghosts and no Kookiberrys in Billy’s head. It was just Cait who heard them, and her whispers in answers to them were just little mumbled mutterings that no one could even hear if they put a hand on her throat when she muttered. It was just the conversation in her head, and the room sat motionless and still, not watching her. The dog’s eyes were still watching the farm and its, now silent to Cait, words were directed in barks at the bigger animals in their neat little fences. The colt wasn’t standing scared too far from the mother horse. No, the colt, that had on invisible poopy panties a few days ago, was laughing today. She was teasing her mommy and her mommy was partly looking at the dog and partly at her. Did Cait move the mommy’s body so it looked different the day before? If she did, Eiboline forgot to correct it. “Your mommy loves you,” Cait whispered to the colt. “Your mommy is there even if you have trouble, and no matter how many fences there are, and if you get too tired to jump them, your mommy will charge over to you, not to tell you that you were bad, but tell you how proud she is that you got as far as you did before….” Warmth spread out of Cait and into the bed. She squeezed her legs together out of Habit. Water gathered in her eyes out of Habit, but Kookiberry hugged her tighter, or she hugged the bear. Did it matter? Hugging the bear ever tighter, the pee in her pants got soggier until she fully peed again, after she had already wet the bed in the night. But she wasn’t scared. Daddy said to get him. Not the crop farm daddy, but the Dairy farm daddy, the one that slept down the hall, he said to get him. “We have to get Daddy,” Cait told the bear. “After you finish peeing where you are,” she heard a dark voice in her head. Cait gritted her teeth and she frowned right at the window where the voice came from. “No.” She got out of bed, pee sliding down her legs a bit and she started into the hall. It was a rule that played in her head. “Stay where you are—Come and get me.” It was the old and the new, and she was listening, with Kookaberry, (chomp) Kookaberry hugging her tight while she felt pee splattering on the floor every few steps until she was outside the bedroom door, and she pushed the door… she touched the fence. She touched the boundary, and it didn’t hurt. “Uncle?” She felt the last of the flood push itself through her pajamas and wet the floor at the door. “Daddy? Uncle-Daddy? Are you in here? Are you awake?” The blankets moved, and I saw Auntie-grandma. “He’s already outside, Cait. Do need help?” “I want daddy!” and Cait ran from the bedroom, down the stairs, and to the kitchen door. She hadn’t been let outside on her own yet. Uncle was supposed to be making it safe out there. “Even if your new Daddy will carry you, Cait, if you go out there, and there are snakes all over the ground he is cleaning up… you will get bitten. That will be worse than old Daddy’s belt. Cait stood there, frozen. The sounds of Auntie’s slippers whispered across the floor as she approached the kitchen and she frowned at Cait’s hand reaching for the door. Her pajamas were still dripping and she turned to see her Auntie there. “The snakes are out there, wanderer,” the ghost used old daddy’s words against her. “You know that’s why Uncle Sean doesn’t want you out there right now, and why Daddy would get upset every time you leave the house without supervision back home.” “I want Daddy,” Cait whispered. “I know, Pet,” Auntie didn’t correct her. By now, Cait was sure Auntie knew she was starting to call Uncle Sean, Daddy. “But Daddy wants you to stay inside a few more days unless you are with Auntie Eiboline. He just doesn’t want something bad to happen.” There was a tear that ran down her left cheek. “Stay inside, child. I promise you, he’ll be right back after feeding the animals. When he’s got the farm ready for you, he’ll let you wander a little more, as long as you follow the rules.” Cait wasn’t sure, but she thought she heard a little more in a whisper after that. “We just don’t want it to happen again.” Those words were like Sand in a flour sifter though. They were lost the moment she whispered, and Cait couldn’t quite make out if she actually said it, or if the ghost was playing tricks on her. Auntie had turned her back to Cait for a moment, which made the words even harder to have been heard. She was looking out the window. “Okay.” Cait took what they said at face value because they had been there for her every time she had needed them, and they had let her play at the park and make a friend, and they had taken her to the restaurant and they controlled everything. So, if Sean knows this farm so very well… he must know something she didn’t. Auntie took a deep breath as she turned away from the unseen cross, from where Cait could only guess, might have been the direction of that un-rul-ie haircut of a field inside a fence, but whether that is where she was looking, Cait didn’t know. The sound of a heavy snort of some large animal seemed to breathe through the (win-doe) window as Auntie finally turned to Cait, her eyes still shining from something…. “I know what might help make you feel better, Pet.” “Yeah?” “How about you clean it up?” Auntie’s still misty eyes danced in their round homes at Cait in a mesmerizing appeal. “Remember a couple of days ago, when you cleaned up the mess?” “Yeah…,” Cait started to process what Auntie was trying to have her think about. “Remember how good you felt? Maybe if you clean up the dirty water on your own, you’ll feel better.” “What… what do I use?” Cait felt her hands and her heart racing. Auntie was telling her. I don’t want you to do it for me…. I want you to feel free of it. “You have your stuff in the bedroom where we put it. Just clean the carpet by your door, by the bathroom, and then by our bedroom. That’s where it really shows. Then after you’d done that, then you can decide if you want me to give you a bath, or if you want to wait for Uncle to come in after he feeds the animals. How would that be?” “Okay.” Auntie turned from Cait, trying to give her a little bit of trust that she could do this without her explicit instructions. Cait started to walk away. “You’re gonna mess (Chomp).” “Don’t listen to the ghost. Cait? Auntie trusts you. If she didn’t think you were able, she’d come up and help you. You understand that Auntie is trying to help you in a way that’s stronger than if there’s pee on the floor or not, right?” Cait shrugged. “I still want Daddy Sean though.” Kookiberry just looked up at her from her arms. He stared at her like he expected her to try, so Cait took a breath. “I’ll do it, then.” Cait scrubbed and scrubbed, still seeing a faint yellow stain though most kids her age would have thought the stain was gone long before then. Kookaberry didn’t stop her. He didn’t know what clean was. He was just a bear, so he had to trust Cait to stop when she felt it was good. Cait was still looking at the faint yellowness that neither Kookaberry nor Sean, and admittedly, the ghost had stopped talking about long before Sean’s first creaks on the last three steps of the top of the stairs finally drew Cait’s head his way. The stains in front of the bathroom and her own bedroom were still there. “Cait-a-kins? What are you doing, love?” “The pee. It won’t come out.” Sean frowned with a sigh. “I won’t? Is it stuck on the floor or is it stuck in your eyes, little one? Because I don’t see anything but a wet carpet in front of the door.” “What about right there?” Cait pointed at a yellow ring so faint and so hard to fully follow around it’s extended reach, even an ant would end up missing the edge if it was trying to follow it. “Cait. Up you go,” Sean didn’t let her argue. “You cleaned this one up as much as it needs doing. It’s breakfast, so let’s get your hands washed and you in some clean clothes. Is that alright?” “Okay.” Uncle Sean settled a now fully dressed in farm clothes, jeans and plaid shirt, Cait, and Auntie served her a bowl of oatmeal. “She’s not ready to clean the messes by herself,” Uncle Sean told Auntie. And it’s nothing to do with how clean she’ll get it. She doesn’t know when it’s clean enough. She was scrubbing the floor in front of our door since you sent her up there to clean it, and I didn’t see anything wrong with the floor, but her little eyes still saw the stain as clear as day, a stain that wasn’t there, Eiboh.” “Oh, my. She was taught how to clean the stain yesterday, and she seemed relieved to have cleaned it up herself.” “Well, I’m not saying not let her do it. I’m saying she needs checked on and supervised, or she’ll be up there all day still scrubbing long after the stain is gone.” “I’m so sorry, Cait. I should have checked on you. Next time, when Auntie lets you do it, we do it together, alright, pet?” Cait looked down. “I just didn’t want you to think I’m dirty and leave the mess when you let me clean it up.” “We would never think that, child,” Uncle Sean patted her very dry and clean bottom. “Now, sit and eat. I’ll have the farm ready for you by the end of the workday today, if all goes well, then this evening we can take a quick walk through so I can show you where you are allowed to wander and be as safe as I could make it for you. You’ll still have to learn to watch the animals though, so for a few days, you won’t be allowed to wander on your own until I know you are paying attention to the animals, though.” “Okay.”

Chapter 24 It Doesn’t Matter Uncle Sean came from the fields his face hot with red sun deep and just water pouring from his face, body water. What it called? Swat? And he paused and smiled at me. “I’m just going up to wash, Cait. You want to come up and help me wash my face?” “How come you need help?” Cait’s grasp tightened on Kookaberry. “Well, I didn’t mean I need it, but I do like you being there, maybe like you liked me being there when you peed in the potty this morning?” “He’s teasing you, Cait,” the darker presence whispered. “He’s making fun of you making him make sure. He wants you to pee your pants s he can tell your Daddy that he saw you do it, too.” “You wrong.” “Yeah? When have you had to watch anyone wash their hands. Usually, they wash your hands for you because you’re a baby that can’t stay clean. They check your panties, too, make you pull them right down so they can see inside for pre-pees, so they can accuse you of peeing your pants! I think Daddy told Sean to check your pre-pees, only he calls it just secretly peeing.” “Daddy doesn’t know I have pre-pees. He never saw that!” “Then what did he see last week in your panties?” “I peed them, outside, be membered? I pulled my skirt from them so I could pee on the ground. I peed my panties fully. That’s what he found!” “Still could have been pre-pees.” “No. Pre-pees are just felt. They not seen or smelled. Only I know when it happened because I trying not to pee.” “If you say so…,” the ghost popped out as Uncle Sean lifted her up. “Why do you look so serious, Cait?” he asked her. “Are you having a serious talk with Kookaberry?” “Something like that,” Cait whispered looking up at him. “Something like that?” Uncle Sean asked. “What do you mean, sweetheart?” “Well, it’s just trying to think of stuff right.” “Do you want to try to sit on the potty while I’m washing my face and see if you can pee there?” “Okay.” A few minutes later, after Uncle Sean had gotten her hands clean, too, she was sitting at the table, Ajax in his usual spot that was designated for him, and Cait across from Sean at the table with some juice poured for all three of them. The sandwich sat in front of Cait, but she didn’t reach for it right away. Her hands were folded in her lap… pressing into the damp warmth of between her legs. Sean raised his sandwich to his mouth. The scene of the table angled out, and at the same time as he took a bite, his hands holding his sandwich with both, the blur function blurs his angle and then shows Cait, the timing the same, doing the same. Auntie smiled from the end of the table that was closest to cooking and serving. Sean smiled to the small girl trying to help her through this. “We will go to the Park. Cait? How well do you read a clock? Do you know anything about reading one?” “Yeah,” Cait looked down in shame. “No, none of that,” Sean said strictly. “I wasn’t asking to hurt you. I wanted to know if you would understand something.” Cait looked up at him, her left ear slightly higher than her right ear because she tilted her head like a dog does when it seems to want something or doesn’t understand something. “What?” He tucked the last of his sandwich into his mouth. “Well, Can you tell me where the hands would be if I were to say four thirty?” “Yeah. The Ohs and the thirties are the places that the clock makes sense. The big hand is straight up for ohs, and it’s on thirties for straight down, and the little hand is on or just after the number you are saying as the hour. Right?” “Good. So, I’ll come in at around four-thirty, and we should be at the park by five-fifteen if you are already ready to go.” “I can’t read fifteen.” “Well, we’ll be driving and then arriving at that time anyway if it works out, so you won’t need a clock. I just want you to watch for the clock to have the hands so it says four-thirty. If I’m a little late, the big hand shouldn’t be past the 8 after reading four thirty. Understand?” “Yeah! So you want me to do something by then?” “Do you think they really want to take a pee pee pants like you to the park?” the ghost asked her. You always forget, you know. You’ll mess up and pee your pants, and then they’ll be upset that they have to explain to everyone that they let you do this. It’s your fault, but you’ll make it seem like they did something wrong… like you always do.” Cait squeezed her legs together under the table. She didn’t have to go—not yet—but she was still afraid, somehow, that if she were checked, there would be wet panties on her, and that maybe even if she hadn’t had a pre-pee now, that she felt, that somehow, she may still have wet panties. Her panties were always damp. The juice on the table set out in front of her was looking very enticing and delicious. “Try to go potty once more, make sure your front room city is contained in the space I asked you to keep it so it doesn’t get stepped on, and have clothes on you want to play in so we don’t have to wait for you to get dressed. Can you remind your aunt when the hands are little at the four and the big one on the three?” “Okay!” “Drink up, pet,” Auntie Eiboline whispered. “It’s warm out today.” “Famous last words…,” the ghost whispered as Cait’s eyes fell upon the bubbles and slippery wet from the hot against the cold glass reminding her of something like the glass having pre-pees. Cait’s mouth was dry, and her stomach felt like it was was jumping into her chest. Juice was liquid. Liquid as inside water. Inside water becomes the bad. “Miss potty pants will go to the park, and when you find out there are to toilets there, or maybe they are not where you are playing, you’ll never make it where they are. You will shame these people, and then they will know what your Daddy has been saying.” Kookaberry’s paw rubbed her arm. “Lies,” Kookaberry whispered. “Lies dressed around one true and painful thing. But still lies. Auntie? She will shrug when you pee your pants and Uncle Sean, will pick you up, just like last night in the bath. Just remember last night, and then you tell me they will care if you pee your pants!” Cait looked up at Uncle Sean. “I pee my pants at the park sometimes….” “And…?” he whispered. Cait frowned and studied his curly white and gray hair. He studied his face lines, and she studied his hands. He seemed fully relaxed. “What small child hasn’t at one time or another?” “But, I’m ten. People will look at you.” Auntie pushed her juice glass closer to her. “No one should be looking that carefully at a playing kid’s jeans to see anything other than a sweaty face that is laughing and running around? No one in this room cares if you happen to wet your pants,” Auntie smiled. “Unless…,” Uncle frowned at her. “...it makes our little lass cry. But if you feel bad or get upset you peed, you come and tell Uncle Sean, and we’ll get you safe as soon as we can, little angel.” “But they’ll say you let me,” Cait whispered to the table top. “That’s right, isn’t it, Cait?” the ghost echoed her fear. “The other big people will make Uncle need to hit you, to keep his reputation or will make Auntie remind you of why you needed to be smacked, for doing something that could get their farm take away. And your Daddy told him, didn’t he? He said you’d eat them out of a home, and if they take away the farm….” “If they said we let you, Cait, then I’d agree with them,” Auntie Eiboline frowned. “Better we let you pee than we shame you into hurting yourself. Pee isn’t meant to stay in your body forever. If you get scared and it comes out… at least it comes out.” Uncle pushed at the glass closer to her, and Cait saw the puddle on the table, as if the glass had just peed down its legs and made a puddle. She glanced back up at Uncle Sean. “It’s okay, little lady. You need to drink up. It’s not good for you to go thirsty for nonsense like you might pee,” Uncle Sean frowned. “You might, but Cait, even if you don’t drink, you might pee. People pee whether they drink or not. The thing is, if you don’t drink enough it makes it worse.” “It does?” “It does. And if you are worried about what people will say about us, imagine how much more we’d need to explain if you passed out because we denied you the right to be healthy? Peeing is nothing in the big universe Cait.” “In the… Yunibas-ity?” Cait tried to catch the big word. The endless night in the stars above when she had seen the night sky on the few times she tried to slip away before light to think in the past, she would wonder at the (Yunibas-ity). “If we are God’s favorite? Why is humans so mall in the night?” She often wondered that, and the idea of Aunti saying that peeing is nothing in the big (Yunibas-ity), she wondered. “Is that why I don’t matter? I just a pee pee?” “Cait,” Uncle Sean leaned in. “God made your head to look up at the sky, and where did he put your head?” “Up here, on my top?” “And Cait? If God cared so much about pee being seen, well, think. When you are sitting for a while and no one has seen it… has anyone come up to you and asked you if you peed your pants unless they were there close to the time you did?” Cait tapped her finger on her chin. “No?” “If pee is hidden down your legs, and it dries out, but your head is always on your shoulders and the easiest place for others to see, what do you think God cares more about?” Cait shrugged. “You are shrugging, but you know what he means,” Kookaberry rubbed her hand, or did Cait rub the bear’s paw? Did it matter. “You know he’s right. The ghost is wrong. Drink the juice, Cait. If they were cruel and blamed you after drinking the juice, then you can throw me for lying.” “You’re Ajax. You don’t lie.” “Then trust me and do what your Aunt says. The ghost is a liar, Cait.” “Okay.” Can Cait took a big drink, but then she looked at the clock. 12-5. It was almost 12:30. Cait looked at the clock, and she knew he wanted her ready at the 4 and the 3. So she broke the time down. 12-3, 1-3, 2-3, 3-3,and 4-3. So the middle is 2-3. She looked over at Auntie. “If I set your clock in the bedroom for 2-3, would that mess it up on you?” “Two-three?” Auntie Eiboline asked. “Yeah, so I can start trying to pee, so I keeping promise with Uncle Sean. He asked two things. One is go pee one more and to change clothes at 4-3. So I can do it, but 2-3 is middle. I forget sometimes at the middle.” “We all, do, Cait,” Auntie Eiboline smiled. “We all do. And yes, I’ll set it for you if you promise to turn it off after it starts making sounds.” “I promise.” 12-7 Uncle went out to the animals again. I went with Auntie so she could show me how to turn on and off the button that makes the noise, and she showed me she was setting the alarm, but the setting was really confusing. Auntie rubbed my back. “One thing at a time, Cait. I just wanted you to understand, I am setting it like you asked.” “But I already know you would?” Cait said puzzled that Auntie had to prove herself doing what she promised. She’s a big person. Cait knows she knows how, and even if maybe she accidentally lied once or twice, and Cait can’t even remember when, she knew that Auntie lied a lot less than Daddy did, and most times than not, it wasn’t a lie, it was a she think-ed something, and it wrong, and she still said she sorry about it. She also told the truth it wasn’t what she think-ed it.” Auntie let me play, but what I did first, at 1-12, was I carefully moved any blocks that moved out of the play space Uncle Sean gave me in the front room back where he told me to have it. That way, later, if I forget, I still did it at least once, and maybe not as many buildings will be in the wrong place. I called from the living room. “Do people go to the park?” I asked as I knew Auntie was doing something in the kitchen. “They do, Cait,” she called back and even came to the living room doorway to check on me. “But I can’t promise when they’ll be there or won’t. People have their own lives, still, I do know one park that is used a lot by children. We’ll try that one first.” “Maybe if I can make a friend, we can play in the living room together with the little front room town?” Cait looked over at Auntie with child wonder and innocence. “I’m sure we can set up some play dates if you want to play with someone. But let’s not get too far ahead of ourselves. Sometimes, it takes more than one day to make a friend, you know.” “Yeah, specially me.” “What does that mean, Cait?” “I only meant people don’t like me. I cause trouble and I stink.” “Cait. You don’t stink. Not really. And if someone doesn’t want to be your friend, they can come up with a number of reasons. And if someone wants to be your friend, they aren’t going to mind if you have some problems that you struggle with. That’s what you need to learn about people and friends. You don’t earn friends, Cait. You get friends because you are a friend. You show you care, and they show they care.” Cait looked down. “Okay.” “You haven’t experienced it that way I suppose,” Auntie frowned. “Well, kids can be judgmental and the harsher their parents are on other people, the harsher the kids judge. It’s learned behavior.” Cait turned back to her town and started to play. Auntie was way over her head right now, and she just wanted to play again. Cait looked at the clock at 2-7. The alarm! She ran out of the living room and started up the stairs where she saw Auntie. “I tried to get there. I saw the hand on the 7. I know I was supposed to go at 2-3. I sorry.” “It’s okay, Cait. Do you need clean underwear?” “No. But can I go?” “Yes, Cait. You go ahead. I took care of the clock. You missed the alarm this time, but if you ask, we can set it another time and try again. Missing it once isn’t failure. It just means we need to learn to judge time a little more closely, but after two hours, that isn’t even easy for Auntie sometimes.” “Okay.” Cait went into the bathroom and sat on the toilet for a minute, but as she sat there, thinking, and looking into her dry underwears, she scolded herself. “You can’t make a promise and break it. You better pee, stupid body. You can’t let Auntie down. You (be-er) not let Uncle down too!” Her body shivered. It was dried up inside. The stains in the underpants she had hanging off her knees told the tale of each of the other three times she’d been to the toilet this morning, the dampness that barely touched her skin the first time, the three or four little squirts the second time, and the two little almost too late pitter patter piddles the third time. “Come on… pee,” she whispered to her little body. “You don’t want to make Uncle mad by lying, do you? You upset Auntie. You promised to turn off the alarm. You’re like 4 whole numbers late to sit on the toilet. How come there’s not even any pre-pee in the underwears?” Still her body stayed quiet and still with only dryness in response. “Fine. We try again at 3-3, and you better go!” She stood up shimming her underwear up, but this time, she left the bathroom without her pants. “And you know the rule. You don’t take a your turn to pee, then you don’t get to wear pants! That’s Daddy’s rule, and we following it because you bad girl!” “At least you remembered the rule,” a voice from the dark shadows came. “But what good is the rule if no one will hit you for it?” Cait froze. “So, what I do?” “Daddy used to do something. Maybe you forgot?” “Cold bath with my disgusting underwears on? I can do that, if I pee my pants at the park after I don’t go. But I gonna try to go before 4-3.” She pulled the pants all the way off and draped them over the tub. Then she ran down to the living room in just underwear. “And if you don’t go at 3-3, I’m taking off my shirt,” she warned her stubborn little body so the ghost could hear her. The ghost stood in the living room door. “I don’t know why you threatened about being naked. You know its’ okay with your body to be naked. He doesn’t make you scared the same way Daddy does.” “Stop it. I said I sit in cold water in the bath. What else can I do?” “What’s weird about daddy likes to hit you when you’re naked because you know that naked means you were bad, but Sean doesn’t hit? He’ll probably say something like you didn’t need to do that or something that means you not bad at all.” “But I know what it means to be naked in the house in the day. It still means I was bad.” The ghost shrugged. “Okay… but don’t say I didn’t warn you if you don’t pee at 3-3!” Cait sat on the floor, looking from the television to the clock every few minutes, the desire to play front room city was not in her. She could only hold Cookaberry close to her chest, and she even tried to push to see if any piddles would dribble into her underwear so she knew it was time to go, but her underwear remained stubbornly dry. Three-twelve. She sat there watching television and the clock. “Three more numbers,” she warned her body. There was some commercial about a toy that stretched on television. The block city was still back behind the line that Uncle had given her. It was the only thing she had obeyed since he went out to the field. She had one little hand and three more big hands to get her body to obey. So the alarm would be the only thing she messed up. Four-twelve, and her underwears were still dry and she was still holding her Bear. Where did the time go. “Stupid body!” she scolded herself. “Pee! You hear me, pee. Just do it fully in your underpants, but pee!” Still, no pee came out. “Stupid!” she told herself. Four-one, and Auntie came in. “Cait, what are you doing without any pants on?” “Trying to make my body behave!” “What do you mean?” “Well, at home, when my body doesn’t go pee when daddy gives me a turn to go, he takes off my pants as punishment for trying to pee my pants. I took off my pants as punishment because I didn’t turn off the alarm, and my body won’t even pee in the underwear yet, and so sitting on the toilet is just going to take it up if you want to go. I keep trying but it keeps being dry and no nothing at all. I was supposed to take off my shirt. I forgot.” “Cait, you don’t take off your clothes because your body won’t pee on demand. We aren’t made that way. It’s something you have to answer, not something you can decide when to go.” Cait looked up at her. “Daddy makes the other girls do it, and they can do it. I’m the only one that’s stupid and doesn’t go when I need to before we take a trip that’s more than an hour.” Eiboline sighed. “Cait, your father’s rules don’t work here. They are harmful to you, and this is just not right. Come here, little one. Let’s go get some play clothes on you.” “And if I pee before we leave the house?” “You’ll be left behind,” the ghost whispered. Cait’s eyes looked from the corner where the whispers came and to her Aunt’s eyes. Auntie twitched a little and blinked. It was like she was confused that Cait would worry about it. But eventually, with a small sad choke as she looked out into the fields through the kitchen window… off to the small patch of field that was untrained, she gulped and then answered. It was like she was bracing for it, but not the same way Daddy readies a belt. “Then we put something else on you. But you wear clothes Cait. Being naked will not make you have to go pee if you don’t need to go. I am sorry. Your uncle and I must have put too much pressure on you. We shouldn’t have asked you to pee before going to the park.” Suddenly, Cait felt herself being pulled into Auntie’s embrace and she was kissed on the head. “Please stop worrying about if you pee, pet. It’s not that important to stay dry. It’s only important how you feel, child.”