How Many Of You Were Taught Shame From Your Parents

[brianh]

Alright, I tend to be a thinker and analyze things. I am reading a great book right now about healing shame. Shame seems to be at my core, and I know it's unhealthy. I also know that parents are role models for their kids and whether they realize it or not, if they have shame issues, they pass it on to the children they raise.

My question is, I know how shaming my parents were to me while growing up, and as a result I have a pattern in my life; and I suspect that maybe a common thread in many that find comfort in diapers (including me!) were parent(s) that were neglectful, distant, or shaming. I'm curious what others think.

I hope you all have a great weekend, and thanks for any input that you might have!

[jenniebear]

yes i'm sure one of the reasons i started wearing was to "escape" the guilt = stress = fatigue = pain....that i felt as a young child........

in my family we had a game called "guilt" and our parents used and still use the "guilt" card whenever it's available.....in my first marriage i used it with my husband...guilt is a powerful and manipulative tool and can be used to get what one desires but..........it's not loving or giving.......it's actually just the opposite......

i hate having guilt used on me.......and when i analyzed the mistakes i'd made in my marriage.....i realized that i tried to control my ex with guilt just as my parents controlled me...........my ex was no walk in the park mind you......i was trying to "guilt" him into being a responsible adult........which he still has a hard time being...........but i was young and i just didn't understand how damaging it was ....as i've grown....i've come to realize that guilt wasn't how i wanted to get the things i needed into my life.......

in the relationship i am in now......i am very conscientious of not using the guilt card........though at times......i'm sure it rears it's ugly head........old habits are hard to break.....but i know how guilt has affected the rest of my life...especially in childhood.....and i've no desire to continue a trend that only causes misery...and heartache......i don't have children...but if i did......i would strive to not use guilt to manipulate or control them like i feel has been done to my sibblings and myself......our parents loved us...........i just don't think they were even aware that the manipulation they used with us was damaging......it was a means to an end for them.........and they got what they desired out of it........ didn't understand or even consider the effects and "emotional baggage" that are the result.........

[brianh]

yes i'm sure one of the reasons i started wearing was to "escape" the guilt = stress = fatigue = pain....that i felt as a young child........

in my family we had a game called "guilt" and our parents used and still use the "guilt" card whenever it's available.....in my first marriage i used it with my husband...guilt is a powerful and manipulative tool and can be used to get what one desires but..........it's not loving or giving.......it's actually just the opposite......

i hate having guilt used on me.......and when i analyzed the mistakes i'd made in my marriage.....i realized that i tried to control my ex with guilt just as my parents controlled me...........my ex was no walk in the park mind you......i was trying to "guilt" him into being a responsible adult........which he still has a hard time being...........but i was young and i just didn't understand how damaging it was ....as i've grown....i've come to realize that guilt wasn't how i wanted to get the things i needed into my life.......

in the relationship i am in now......i am very conscientious of not using the guilt card........though at times......i'm sure it rears it's ugly head........old habits are hard to break.....but i know how guilt has affected the rest of my life...especially in childhood.....and i've no desire to continue a trend that only causes misery...and heartache......i don't have children...but if i did......i would strive to not use guilt to manipulate or control them like i feel has been done to my sibblings and myself......our parents loved us...........i just don't think they were even aware that the manipulation they used with us was damaging......it was a means to an end for them.........and they got what they desired out of it........ didn't understand or even consider the effects and "emotional baggage" that are the result.........

thanks for your insight Jenniebear - I appreciate it.

[mogumbo]

I could probably produce a treatise on the subject of both guilt and shame. In a nutshell, I was born with a birth defect that wasn't properly diagnosed until I was 13. The defect left me, among other things, incontinent. Mind you, this was in the middle of the last century and parents felt a tremendous social pressure to have their kids potty trained by age 2 at the very latest.

So here I was, well past the age most kids were trained and still leaking like a siv. The medical community only contributed to my issues by convincing my parents that I was just being rebellious and spiteful. My mother's tool of choice was shame and guilt. I was routinely made to wear diapers and baby pants , in full view, whenever it suited my mother's mood. I was constantly the butt of jokes, snide remarks and hurtful hazing.

Even though I was eventually diagnosed and treated (the incontinence couldn't be treated), my mother continued to hold a huge grudge against me for the way I "treated her." Like a toddler and even a little kid has the capacity to effect such complex emotional manipulations.

I vowed to never let this shape my parenting. But, as you can probably tell, it left a rather significant emotional scar.

Mo

[BriGuy]

Guilt is what my father used and still tries to use to get me to do stuff for him or to act a certain way. that guilt led to a lot of personal shame and self loathing. I used to loathe my diapers untill with in the last couple of years. Its been very difficult for me to handle and deal with at times.

It was because of my wife that I started to accept my fetish. She has been a pillar of support in my life. Recently I have decided to go 24/7 and she has supported my decision. Luck and happiness doesn't come close to how I feel.

The one thing I have learned about shame is we create it from within. There is nothing for us to be shamefull about. We are good people and our fetish isn't bad. If anything people should get more in touch with their softer side.

~Brian

[pottypants]

As a kid, I often loaded, and somewhat less often wet my pants while I was playing. Of course, I got caught most of the time, and my mother would tell me, "you should be ashamed, messing your pants like a baby. And, I was ashamed at that point, but not when I did it in my pants. That felt good to me, so in spite of the shame, I kept doing it. My parents tried to shame me into other things too, and, unlike pants pooping, some of those worked. Shame and guilt is a powerful tool for molding a child into a responsible adult, but shouldn't be used to excess. The child who is made to feel ashamed about stealing another child's toy is much less likely to become an adult thief. Also, shame and guilt have no place in normal adult relationships.

[anondl]

I dont like shaming in general. That said, shaming for something that one cannot control ie bedwetting is different from shamming as a result of getting caught in a prostitution sting and having ones name published in the newspaper. Plus I dont like mental or physical abuse directed at kids.

[Topguy]

Yup-shame and fear.

I turned the tables, it doesn't work with me any more.

And those why try-find themselves abandoned.

[tris]

In my experience, the shame and guilt (also raised catholic, so it's a theme) have ultimately led to the lack of any kind of meaningful relationship with my mother.

Since the 50's, society was still into the 'forcing' your children way of life --for the good of the nation and whatnot. Nevermind that one day your child won't be a child anymore --Do what you will to them now, for their own good. In some ways, parents lost the mental flexibility of their youth, forgetting that what you do to a child sticks with them for life, damn the consequences.

Everything really does have an equal and opposite reaction:

The Hate U Give Little Infants Fucks Everybody.

As a result of the hate and intolerance I endured for 22 years, I packed up and left my mother's house and her life -- She has only a terrier to keep her company. (A terrier which, oddly, is treated like a baby.)

I think our parents always have the best of intentions, yet many of the moves they've made (and we remember) were made out of fear. I also think that a big part of coming into the world (ie growing up) is the epiphany that our parents are people, too. They're not perfect, they're (most of the time) more fucked up than us, and we're lucky to have escaped with enough faculties to know the difference.

That being said, it's also human (not to mention Christ-like!) to recognize their faults, and be generous with mercy and forgiveness. Failing that, we prevent an important societal evolution that is strangely based in an adage of a forgotten era: The Golden Rule.