Im A Newly "active" Abdl!

[Guest]

Hi! I'm a 19 year old from the west coast (USA) and I've always had a fascination with diapers/wetting/etc. since i was a little kid. My first early "memory" that might be somehow related to my fetish was when i was a very young kid and my little brother was in diapers still. I didn't know the extent of my attraction towards them at that point, however as I got older, and throughout my early teens especially, i began to realize the nature of my feelings for diapers/wetting/etc. So anyway. I was out of diapers, but we still had some in the house, i think for my little brother who might not have been trained yet, although i cant remember how old i was or how old he was at the time. What i DO remember, is sneaking off with a diaper and taking my favorite piggy stuffed animal and going off somewhere that i could be alone i think i hid in a closet or bathroom. But anyway, I used the diaper (wet and pooped) as much as I could, and then i remember taking it off, and putting it on my stuffed animal and pretending like i needed to change him! lol . Anyway, I don't know how related that was to my 'fetish' or my love for diapers but i feel like it must have something to do with it.

Well, throughout my life, especially in my teens i began to fantasize about myself and other people wetting them selves or pooping their pants! hehe. I remember when i was in middle school-ish, I stumbled across websites that had pictures of desperation and diapered people and stuff like that. I began to realize that I wasn't completely alone (although i still had feelings of weirdness and guilt about my feelings.) I began to go to these websites a lot, before i even kinda "figured out" how to really masturbate, i just enjoyed getting turned on and looking at the pictures. Actually, as an interesting side story, the only time i nearly got caught out in my fetish was when i was on a site one night, and i think i might have masturbated and then went off to bed, but i forgot to close the web browser. Anyway, my parents saw the "disgusting" site and were appalled, and they asked us how it got their and my brothers also had no clue, but i was scared as hell. Anyway, they ended up after going on tech-support to figure out why it was there (noobs lol), they chalked it up to our computer having spyware and viruses, which im sure it did, but was unrelated to that little incident! haha. I suppose to make my fantasy into something tangible?

Anyway, as my teen years went on, and i became ever more daring, I began to see what i could get away with. I rummaged through my closet to find and old pair of underwear (usually briefs, cause i normally wore boxers at this point) that i could use, without having to explain to my mom why my underwear kept disappearing. I remember putting them on, laying down in my bed and trying really hard to wet them, but only enough so that my bed would only get a little bit wet. If my bed got too wet, i would stay up longer and put water on the stain and then use the heat from the lightbulb in my lamp to dry the stain a little bit, so my parents wouldn't find out! lol, im not sure how safe that was but whats life without risks? That soon became a habit for me when i knew i could get away with it. =) hehe. I eventually graduated to the point of getting a pair of underwear on, getting in the shower and just standing their and wetting myself, sometimes even pooping myself if i knew i could get away with it! Although i could only get away with it on occasions (like if my parents were out for the night and i was home alone or something). I had these secret little 'pretend accidents' all throughout my teens. Eventually I also tried to make my own diapers out for garbage bags and wads of toilet paper and paper towels. I did that quite a few times, although it was a hassle.

You may ask, why go through the trouble? Why not just go to the store and buy some? Oh, i wanted to, I REALLY did. I would always read through forums like these and go on all the websites trying to see if other people were like me. See the thing is, not only am i a REALLY shy person in my daily life, but I was deathly afraid of going into the shop and buying diapers. What if someone figured me out? What if someone saw me leaving with the diapers? What if someone at the store recognized me or something!? I was afraid. So afraid that i never ever EVER bought a bag of diapers. (Until this past monday, but ill get to that later! lol) I couldn't even dream of doing it! And until i was 16 i didn't have any way to get around, and i live in a big neighborhood and the closest drugstore is at least a 20min drive. Plus the pharmacist at the drugstore knew my parents, as they would go to them regularly to fill prescriptions. I didn't have a chance, or even the guts to not care about what other people thought. So anyway, i would occasionally make my own diapers because of this, at least this way, i wouldn't risk getting caught or embarrassed.

Now. I'll have to say, i have not always been comfortable with my feelings for ABDL/Desperation and all these things that i'm into, for some reason. Often throughout my life, i would wish that I wouldn't have these urges. Urges to look at these sites, or to purposely and secretly wet myself or my bed. Even though i had never been really caught or confronted, and i still haven't. I just felt horribly guilty. I felt weird, sick, wrong. Isn't that what everyone else would say if they found out? My friends, my teachers, my brothers, my parents and our general society. I felt HORRIBLE for liking these things. I'm not religious, but I nearly felt like it was some evil little devilish temptation in me. I felt like a freak and a bad person, and i just wanted to be like everyone else. Normal. Perfect... I would go through phases of self-discipline. Saying, "I'll never look at these sites again. I'll never purposely wet/poop myself again. Its wrong and its atrocious", periodically along the way. I would resist visiting these sites for weeks at a time, and i would try to stomp out any feelings or thoughts i would have about it. I was "normal"... For a little while. Because i would always go back. I would stop, for a day/week/month... and i would always eventually feel ok about it again and let myself do it. I mean, i was an adolescent and i was smart. I was just like everyone else during the day, i went to school and did my work and i had a girlfriend for 2 years in middle school who i adored! I was a perfectly functional member of our society, they same society that did its best to make me feel like a freak and a loser. Our culture wanted me to hate who i was. I may not have been alone in my feelings, but since i had nobody to talk to about it, or nobody to relate to. I sure felt alone. Thinking of this makes me recall a lesson on the culture of the Norse people. They were a proud race, who believe that the worst possible thing that could happen in life to a man was exile. Exile from your family, friends, country, etc... And in many ways they were right and still are. Part of me embraced my feelings for my 'fetish', but they other part tore away at them, labeling them as wrong or taboo. This secretly tore away at me for a my whole life. I mean, being into diapers and wetting and all this isn't the BIGGEST part of my life. Its not like i'm living and breathing off of the my sexual/pleasureful/entertaining urges. I would think about it sometimes, but I was just a regular kid also. I did everything i could do (and sometimes i was a bit of a rebel and did things that i wasn't supposed to do.), i was responsible and i was kind. I would hang out with friends or my girlfriend, watch movies, play guitar, play videogames. And i still do all that stuff, my fetish is a small part of my personal life, as im sure is the same with most of you, here on this forum. We do what we have to in our daily life, be it go to school, work, be a parent, etc. And when we have time we occasionally like to wear diapers, or wet ourselves and things like that. And i've really come to accept that about myself today. At least, more than i used to. Even though i have had quite a number of inner conflicts about it in my life. Im learning to love who I am, and even know nobody in my life knows (or at least i dont think so lol) about it, I'm even dancing around the idea of telling my best friend of 7 years. But thats a-whole-nother discussion. lol

So yeah. I went through my life being a wannabe, D.I.Y., ABDL. I never bought a pack of diapers in my life. I never had the internal strength or the courage to do it. Even though i wanted to soooo bad, for years. I couldn't. I just couldn't. It wasn't just embarassmen't holding me back, it was my internal struggle that i talked about in the last paragraph. There was no way i could fight against our cultural taboos AND my personal self-loathing... Until. This monday. (Thats MONDAY OCTOBER 29th, 2007. at around 11am!). Yep, thats right. Just a mere 5 days ago, i took my first baby-step (pun intended)... It was 10am. I had a little bit of school that morning, just two hours from 8-10... I had been thinking about it, for a long time. Thinking "someday ill get the guts!". Well i was driving home, taking the usual roads, doing my usual thing. When i thought. "Ok im gonna do it... Im gonna go to the drugstore and im not gonna leave without adult diapers." Even though i had read all over the internet that "people in the stores wont ask you about them and they wont care." I was so afraid. Even afraid of them thinking about it for a minute. Thinking "why is this kid buying diapers? are they for him?"... Well, I turned off the road to my house, and my heart was pounding. I knew that no matter what. No matter what anyone said of did or if they laughed at me, i was gonna buy the diapers and get out of there. The light turned green, and i was sloppily shifting gears, first *bump*, second *bump*, third *bump*... Not necessarily driving recklessly, but, with shaky hands that made driving to that drugstore seem like an impossible task. Maybe it was my inner self-hatred trying to hold me back. Regardless i was too strong... I drove past the drug store near my house. I knew another one not too far away from where i was. I could go there and get them and odds are, nobody from my family or neighborhood or college would be there. It was probably 10:15-20, by the time i pulled up. And i sat in my car for a second. I ripped a piece of paper in half and made a fake list of what i needed. So that way if i was looking suspicious accidentally, i could just glance around at my list every once in a while, so that people who might have noticed me would think i was just trying to find something specific. I made sure i had my debit card ready to go quickly and i walked into the store. I felt like the whole world was shaking, but it was just me. lol. However, i did my best to act casual. I did a loop around the store. I didn't see them for a while, but i know they were somewhere. Turning a corner i saw the first set of bright bags. I milled around, looking at my list and pretending to browse through random stuff. I was really observing who was nearby. There was a register in the back, near the adult diapers. In the pharmacists area. That was the ticket. Thats where my eye was. There was someone walking through the adult diaper area, a middle aged woman with a child. I didn't care what she was up to, and i never really thought about it until now, I just didn't want her to see me grab the diapers.... SO anyway. My vision isnt good. It kinda sucks. I cant read things very well from far away and i didn't want to get right up to the diaper else. So i hid a bit in a perpendicular isle. Squinting hard, trying to read the labels and the sizes and the amount in a pack. I had look it up a bit, and i knew kinda what i wanted and needed. Although brand-to-brand i don't know anything about. I was right by two brands, Depends and Poise. Well, being the diaper-noob that i am. I had never heard of poise, but i had heard of depends, and i even knew that i needed a big size and i knew they had a "maximum protection" one. I squinted and could barely read the labels. And then i found it. Too the bottom right, i could barely make it out, but i thought it was the right one. I had been standing here for a few minutes now, and the isle was clear. I walked forward a bit, and bent down and read the bag. It was it. Maximum Protection, right size, 16 in a pack. I heard someone coming and backed up a little, looking at my fake list. haha. I had to consider something. I could buy 1 pack. But how long would it last? How long until i ran out and had to go through ALL of this again. However, i knew i couldn't buy TOO many or i'd have no place to hide them. (Even though im 19, and ill be 20 soon, next year. I live at home. It's a long story but, i lived in a college dorm last year and hated it. I was gonna transfer to a different college this year, but i decided not to last minute and ended up staying home. I didnt have any money saved up and I couldn't fit a job into my schedule, so I thought i would just live at home. And aside from the diaper-hiding, its not bad getting free tv, food, and internet! lol. anyway thats my situation for now.) It was settled. I would go up. grab two packs and then move in for the purchase at the pharmacists register, only feet away. So, just as the diaper isle clears up, i get a surge of guts and walk up to my target (Depends Max. Protection x2) and grab them by the handles on top. I heard someone coming and retreated into the isle that i was waiting in before! lol. This time, with the diapers in hand. I was nearly home free, but as i stalled, people started getting in line at the pharmacists register. And i was holding both bags of diapers by the plastic handles in one hand, hiding them behind my leg so that they wouldn't be immediately noticeable to people that walked by the isle. So anyway. I waited for what seemed like an eternity for the line to die down enough that i could just walk up and pay. I didn't want to have to stand between people in line with the diapers in my hands lol. Especially since there were 2 girls my age walking around that area. It seemed like one was trying to find out about a job application or something, because she spent FOREVER talking to one of the pharmacists assistants. All the while, i was shifting the diapers from one side to the other behind my legs every time someone would walk by, pretending to be interested in finding some herbal supplement or something like that in the isle that i was basically hiding in! hehe. And then it died down a bit. The 'job' girl walked off and called someone on her phone. And there was only 1 person in line. I could hear people 1 or 2 isles down from me so when i saw the guy start to receive his change and receipt, i hugged the wall and moved in! Like clockwork, i pulled up merely seconds before this other guy walk away. Albeit very nervous, i casually put both bags of diapers on the counter. I shouldn't have said anything, but i couldn't help it cause i was nervous. So I said "hey..." casually to the young man, probably around my age, at the register. As he scanned both bags, i had my fake shopping list in my hands, and i held it up a little bit saying "oh, i need a receipt too please.". He said nothing, but nodded. My diapers were scanned, and my debit card was in my hand. I swiped the card.... Nothing happened. The machine mockingly took advantage of my nervousness and embarrassment blinking "Please Slide Your Card"...

"You need to swipe it again", said the guy at the register. I slid it through once more..... Nothing... I began to panic. I wanted to get this done quick, damnit! He took the card from my slightly quivering hand and slid it up and down like 10 times. It worked... finally. I entered my pin, and it went trough fine, as usual. As he handed me my receipt, i grabbed both bags and didn't say anything and walked out of the store, hugging the nearest wall. Got out of my car, fumbled around for me keys, trying to unlock my door. Unfortunately, there were people in their cars on both sides of my car, but i didn't care. I was nearly home free. As i got in my cars i slid the diapers into the back seat, covered them with a sweatshirt in the back, just out of pure nervousness, and pulled out. I sped home amazed at what i had done. It was like a dream. I couldn't believe it. I mean, aside from a few little things it went really well... I got home and ran the diapers into my house, hesitating a bit before entering just to make sure my family weren't home. Even though they wouldn't normally be, i was feeling cautious! lol. I ran them up to my home with immense relief.... Here I was, in MY room, with MY first diapers, home alone. I didn't buy powder or anything like that (that is until yesterday [thursday]) so i only had to figure out a place to keep my diapers. A brilliant plan had struck me, and i was astounded by my tactfulness. hahaha. I popped open the bags of diapers (its so easy! who would have thought!?) and pulled them all out, stacking them in small, neat piles on my bedroom floor. 8... 16... 24... 32... I had to hide 31 diapers, subtracting the one that i was about to put on. =). I pulled two empty electric guitar cases from under my bed. Collecting dust. I rarely used them, and my family never ever looks in them. It was perfect. I originally thought i could get them all into one case, which would have been ideal. But unfortunately one of my cases was an impractical shape, and should only hold a few. However, with both cases i was barely able to fit in those two packs. I hid the guitar cases of diapers back under my bed, and I went and got a garbage bag to dispose of the diaper's original bags, along with my soon to be used diaper. =D.

I felt the diaper in my hands. The outer plastic was soft and gentle. I could slide my hand across it with ease and comfort. I unfolded it and laid it down on my bedroom floor. Obviously, i had undressed and was going to wear the diaper a.s.a.p... It took me a second to think about it. For some reason it took me a little while to figure out how to diaper myself, lol! I was like.... does the side with the tapes go under my butt or....??? Well, i figured it out! lol. I laid down on the soft plastic garment and felt an immediate rush. My heart had been thumping in my chest all day. I was a little turned on of course because part of the nature of my 'fetish' is sexual, however... that being said, It was mostly just pure excitement and relief from years and years of anticipation and self-denial. I was finally a true DL this Monday. =). I was finally trying what i had always dreamed to try! SO anyway. I got the diaper on, and i had to stand up and adjust the tapes to make it a bit snugger. And i did kinda a crappy job diapering myself for the first time! lol. But there i was, 19 years old, diapered, and extremely happy. I love it so much. It might be socially taboo, but its part of who i am and i have grown to accept that. Its not perverse, its not pedophilia, its not immoral. It's just a personal fun and exciting activity! And while im still not comfortable to the point where i want anyone to find out, i feel comfortable with myself! And thats an important first step. Because instead of hiding how i feel, and what makes me feel good. I need to embrace it! Because me wearing a diaper isnt hurting anyone. I didn't let it take over my life, its not getting between my friends or family or school. It's my choice and its a private choice and i love it! Anyway. This week has been full of wet diapers, and one small small mess. =P Its kinda hard for me too pee in my diaper still, let alone poop in it. Plus im still afraid of blowing my cover!

Anyway. That is the story of me, as a ABDL, not really me as a person entirely. There is a LOT more to my life (as im sure is the same with all you other people too!) than wearing a diaper. However, that being said, liking to wear and use diapers is a part of my life. And its a part that im starting to be more accepting of. I hope that one day i can tell my best friend without putting a weird distance in our relationship. (Ironically him and i have joked about wearing diapers on multiple occasions and last summer he worked in a drugstore and said he sold a lot of them. So we had a discussion about how its not really a big deal and how he doesn't really care about it. Maybe he's secretly a ABDL too! hehehe. =D. A guy can dream right?)... Anyway. Im glad to be part of this community too. And im glad to know that other people have shared my experiences all around the world. I mean seriously, boys, girls, america, europe, australia, etc. I've seen pics and heard stories JUST like mine. And im sure there are many unsung ABDLs in the world, who have too much of a conflict to "out themselves" even on an internet forum or myspace or something like that. I had been interested in this since childhood and i had never outed myself until right now. (I also made a myspace with pics and stuff, so if you have a ABDL myspace, befriend me!). Anyway. i'm happy to know that im not alone, and that other people who live normal lives are in the same boat i am in. And im sure their are people reading this forum that arent registered, who are having a ABDL conflict in their lives. Maybe they are confused, or maybe they are too scared to try it. My advice is, dont worry about it too much. Try it when you are ready, and dont worry about what society thinks. Because i guarantee that (even though they aren't all ABDLs), the vast majority of people you know in your life have a secret fetish or sexual preference that they may be hiding in their daily lives. And i think that if you were to look into the minds of people you see EVERYDAY, like friends, family, classmates, etc., you would likely find that a lot of them are hiding something. Maybe they are gay, maybe into S&M or bondage, or one of the hundreds of other fetishes and lifestyles. Its alright to be who you are, and if you feel better keeping it a secret, then go ahead! The only person that you have to be honest to is YOURSELF. Know who you are, and love who you are and you will feel better about your life! And if you are lucky enough to tell a friend or family member and have them be OK with it, or even supportive or interested, just consider yourself lucky. They might even open up and let you know about something that they have been bottling up!

Anyhow. Thanks for allowing me this space and time to rant about my life and my experiences with ABDL. Add me to myspace (www.myspace.com/edoabdl). You can check out my pics! =). Cause who DOESN'T look cute in a warm diaper? hehe.

Thank you all!

-edokat

[cubictriangle]

Welcome and I hope you meet alot of new friends here!

[PutInDiapers]

Wow! Thanks for posting the whole story there, edo. I hope your fun in diapers works for you. Enjoy.

[nappyloon]

Blimey ! that was very frank and interesting edokat, welcome, I hope you will enjoy yourself here amongst a lot of like minded people who go through all the emotions you nicely describe !

[DollyDiaper]

Hi! I'm a 19 year old from the west coast (USA) and I've always had a fascination with diapers/wetting/etc. since i was a little kid. My first early "memory" that might be somehow related to my fetish was when i was a very young kid and my little brother was in diapers still. I didn't know the extent of my attraction towards them at that point, however as I got older, and throughout my early teens especially, i began to realize the nature of my feelings for diapers/wetting/etc. So anyway. I was out of diapers, but we still had some in the house, i think for my little brother who might not have been trained yet, although i cant remember how old i was or how old he was at the time. What i DO remember, is sneaking off with a diaper and taking my favorite piggy stuffed animal and going off somewhere that i could be alone i think i hid in a closet or bathroom. But anyway, I used the diaper (wet and pooped) as much as I could, and then i remember taking it off, and putting it on my stuffed animal and pretending like i needed to change him! lol . Anyway, I don't know how related that was to my 'fetish' or my love for diapers but i feel like it must have something to do with it.

Well, throughout my life, especially in my teens i began to fantasize about myself and other people wetting them selves or pooping their pants! hehe. I remember when i was in middle school-ish, I stumbled across websites that had pictures of desperation and diapered people and stuff like that. I began to realize that I wasn't completely alone (although i still had feelings of weirdness and guilt about my feelings.) I began to go to these websites a lot, before i even kinda "figured out" how to really masturbate, i just enjoyed getting turned on and looking at the pictures. Actually, as an interesting side story, the only time i nearly got caught out in my fetish was when i was on a site one night, and i think i might have masturbated and then went off to bed, but i forgot to close the web browser. Anyway, my parents saw the "disgusting" site and were appalled, and they asked us how it got their and my brothers also had no clue, but i was scared as hell. Anyway, they ended up after going on tech-support to figure out why it was there (noobs lol), they chalked it up to our computer having spyware and viruses, which im sure it did, but was unrelated to that little incident! haha. I suppose to make my fantasy into something tangible?

Anyway, as my teen years went on, and i became ever more daring, I began to see what i could get away with. I rummaged through my closet to find and old pair of underwear (usually briefs, cause i normally wore boxers at this point) that i could use, without having to explain to my mom why my underwear kept disappearing. I remember putting them on, laying down in my bed and trying really hard to wet them, but only enough so that my bed would only get a little bit wet. If my bed got too wet, i would stay up longer and put water on the stain and then use the heat from the lightbulb in my lamp to dry the stain a little bit, so my parents wouldn't find out! lol, im not sure how safe that was but whats life without risks? That soon became a habit for me when i knew i could get away with it. =) hehe. I eventually graduated to the point of getting a pair of underwear on, getting in the shower and just standing their and wetting myself, sometimes even pooping myself if i knew i could get away with it! Although i could only get away with it on occasions (like if my parents were out for the night and i was home alone or something). I had these secret little 'pretend accidents' all throughout my teens. Eventually I also tried to make my own diapers out for garbage bags and wads of toilet paper and paper towels. I did that quite a few times, although it was a hassle.

You may ask, why go through the trouble? Why not just go to the store and buy some? Oh, i wanted to, I REALLY did. I would always read through forums like these and go on all the websites trying to see if other people were like me. See the thing is, not only am i a REALLY shy person in my daily life, but I was deathly afraid of going into the shop and buying diapers. What if someone figured me out? What if someone saw me leaving with the diapers? What if someone at the store recognized me or something!? I was afraid. So afraid that i never ever EVER bought a bag of diapers. (Until this past monday, but ill get to that later! lol) I couldn't even dream of doing it! And until i was 16 i didn't have any way to get around, and i live in a big neighborhood and the closest drugstore is at least a 20min drive. Plus the pharmacist at the drugstore knew my parents, as they would go to them regularly to fill prescriptions. I didn't have a chance, or even the guts to not care about what other people thought. So anyway, i would occasionally make my own diapers because of this, at least this way, i wouldn't risk getting caught or embarrassed.

Now. I'll have to say, i have not always been comfortable with my feelings for ABDL/Desperation and all these things that i'm into, for some reason. Often throughout my life, i would wish that I wouldn't have these urges. Urges to look at these sites, or to purposely and secretly wet myself or my bed. Even though i had never been really caught or confronted, and i still haven't. I just felt horribly guilty. I felt weird, sick, wrong. Isn't that what everyone else would say if they found out? My friends, my teachers, my brothers, my parents and our general society. I felt HORRIBLE for liking these things. I'm not religious, but I nearly felt like it was some evil little devilish temptation in me. I felt like a freak and a bad person, and i just wanted to be like everyone else. Normal. Perfect... I would go through phases of self-discipline. Saying, "I'll never look at these sites again. I'll never purposely wet/poop myself again. Its wrong and its atrocious", periodically along the way. I would resist visiting these sites for weeks at a time, and i would try to stomp out any feelings or thoughts i would have about it. I was "normal"... For a little while. Because i would always go back. I would stop, for a day/week/month... and i would always eventually feel ok about it again and let myself do it. I mean, i was an adolescent and i was smart. I was just like everyone else during the day, i went to school and did my work and i had a girlfriend for 2 years in middle school who i adored! I was a perfectly functional member of our society, they same society that did its best to make me feel like a freak and a loser. Our culture wanted me to hate who i was. I may not have been alone in my feelings, but since i had nobody to talk to about it, or nobody to relate to. I sure felt alone. Thinking of this makes me recall a lesson on the culture of the Norse people. They were a proud race, who believe that the worst possible thing that could happen in life to a man was exile. Exile from your family, friends, country, etc... And in many ways they were right and still are. Part of me embraced my feelings for my 'fetish', but they other part tore away at them, labeling them as wrong or taboo. This secretly tore away at me for a my whole life. I mean, being into diapers and wetting and all this isn't the BIGGEST part of my life. Its not like i'm living and breathing off of the my sexual/pleasureful/entertaining urges. I would think about it sometimes, but I was just a regular kid also. I did everything i could do (and sometimes i was a bit of a rebel and did things that i wasn't supposed to do.), i was responsible and i was kind. I would hang out with friends or my girlfriend, watch movies, play guitar, play videogames. And i still do all that stuff, my fetish is a small part of my personal life, as im sure is the same with most of you, here on this forum. We do what we have to in our daily life, be it go to school, work, be a parent, etc. And when we have time we occasionally like to wear diapers, or wet ourselves and things like that. And i've really come to accept that about myself today. At least, more than i used to. Even though i have had quite a number of inner conflicts about it in my life. Im learning to love who I am, and even know nobody in my life knows (or at least i dont think so lol) about it, I'm even dancing around the idea of telling my best friend of 7 years. But thats a-whole-nother discussion. lol

So yeah. I went through my life being a wannabe, D.I.Y., ABDL. I never bought a pack of diapers in my life. I never had the internal strength or the courage to do it. Even though i wanted to soooo bad, for years. I couldn't. I just couldn't. It wasn't just embarassmen't holding me back, it was my internal struggle that i talked about in the last paragraph. There was no way i could fight against our cultural taboos AND my personal self-loathing... Until. This monday. (Thats MONDAY OCTOBER 29th, 2007. at around 11am!). Yep, thats right. Just a mere 5 days ago, i took my first baby-step (pun intended)... It was 10am. I had a little bit of school that morning, just two hours from 8-10... I had been thinking about it, for a long time. Thinking "someday ill get the guts!". Well i was driving home, taking the usual roads, doing my usual thing. When i thought. "Ok im gonna do it... Im gonna go to the drugstore and im not gonna leave without adult diapers." Even though i had read all over the internet that "people in the stores wont ask you about them and they wont care." I was so afraid. Even afraid of them thinking about it for a minute. Thinking "why is this kid buying diapers? are they for him?"... Well, I turned off the road to my house, and my heart was pounding. I knew that no matter what. No matter what anyone said of did or if they laughed at me, i was gonna buy the diapers and get out of there. The light turned green, and i was sloppily shifting gears, first *bump*, second *bump*, third *bump*... Not necessarily driving recklessly, but, with shaky hands that made driving to that drugstore seem like an impossible task. Maybe it was my inner self-hatred trying to hold me back. Regardless i was too strong... I drove past the drug store near my house. I knew another one not too far away from where i was. I could go there and get them and odds are, nobody from my family or neighborhood or college would be there. It was probably 10:15-20, by the time i pulled up. And i sat in my car for a second. I ripped a piece of paper in half and made a fake list of what i needed. So that way if i was looking suspicious accidentally, i could just glance around at my list every once in a while, so that people who might have noticed me would think i was just trying to find something specific. I made sure i had my debit card ready to go quickly and i walked into the store. I felt like the whole world was shaking, but it was just me. lol. However, i did my best to act casual. I did a loop around the store. I didn't see them for a while, but i know they were somewhere. Turning a corner i saw the first set of bright bags. I milled around, looking at my list and pretending to browse through random stuff. I was really observing who was nearby. There was a register in the back, near the adult diapers. In the pharmacists area. That was the ticket. Thats where my eye was. There was someone walking through the adult diaper area, a middle aged woman with a child. I didn't care what she was up to, and i never really thought about it until now, I just didn't want her to see me grab the diapers.... SO anyway. My vision isnt good. It kinda sucks. I cant read things very well from far away and i didn't want to get right up to the diaper else. So i hid a bit in a perpendicular isle. Squinting hard, trying to read the labels and the sizes and the amount in a pack. I had look it up a bit, and i knew kinda what i wanted and needed. Although brand-to-brand i don't know anything about. I was right by two brands, Depends and Poise. Well, being the diaper-noob that i am. I had never heard of poise, but i had heard of depends, and i even knew that i needed a big size and i knew they had a "maximum protection" one. I squinted and could barely read the labels. And then i found it. Too the bottom right, i could barely make it out, but i thought it was the right one. I had been standing here for a few minutes now, and the isle was clear. I walked forward a bit, and bent down and read the bag. It was it. Maximum Protection, right size, 16 in a pack. I heard someone coming and backed up a little, looking at my fake list. haha. I had to consider something. I could buy 1 pack. But how long would it last? How long until i ran out and had to go through ALL of this again. However, i knew i couldn't buy TOO many or i'd have no place to hide them. (Even though im 19, and ill be 20 soon, next year. I live at home. It's a long story but, i lived in a college dorm last year and hated it. I was gonna transfer to a different college this year, but i decided not to last minute and ended up staying home. I didnt have any money saved up and I couldn't fit a job into my schedule, so I thought i would just live at home. And aside from the diaper-hiding, its not bad getting free tv, food, and internet! lol. anyway thats my situation for now.) It was settled. I would go up. grab two packs and then move in for the purchase at the pharmacists register, only feet away. So, just as the diaper isle clears up, i get a surge of guts and walk up to my target (Depends Max. Protection x2) and grab them by the handles on top. I heard someone coming and retreated into the isle that i was waiting in before! lol. This time, with the diapers in hand. I was nearly home free, but as i stalled, people started getting in line at the pharmacists register. And i was holding both bags of diapers by the plastic handles in one hand, hiding them behind my leg so that they wouldn't be immediately noticeable to people that walked by the isle. So anyway. I waited for what seemed like an eternity for the line to die down enough that i could just walk up and pay. I didn't want to have to stand between people in line with the diapers in my hands lol. Especially since there were 2 girls my age walking around that area. It seemed like one was trying to find out about a job application or something, because she spent FOREVER talking to one of the pharmacists assistants. All the while, i was shifting the diapers from one side to the other behind my legs every time someone would walk by, pretending to be interested in finding some herbal supplement or something like that in the isle that i was basically hiding in! hehe. And then it died down a bit. The 'job' girl walked off and called someone on her phone. And there was only 1 person in line. I could hear people 1 or 2 isles down from me so when i saw the guy start to receive his change and receipt, i hugged the wall and moved in! Like clockwork, i pulled up merely seconds before this other guy walk away. Albeit very nervous, i casually put both bags of diapers on the counter. I shouldn't have said anything, but i couldn't help it cause i was nervous. So I said "hey..." casually to the young man, probably around my age, at the register. As he scanned both bags, i had my fake shopping list in my hands, and i held it up a little bit saying "oh, i need a receipt too please.". He said nothing, but nodded. My diapers were scanned, and my debit card was in my hand. I swiped the card.... Nothing happened. The machine mockingly took advantage of my nervousness and embarrassment blinking "Please Slide Your Card"...

"You need to swipe it again", said the guy at the register. I slid it through once more..... Nothing... I began to panic. I wanted to get this done quick, damnit! He took the card from my slightly quivering hand and slid it up and down like 10 times. It worked... finally. I entered my pin, and it went trough fine, as usual. As he handed me my receipt, i grabbed both bags and didn't say anything and walked out of the store, hugging the nearest wall. Got out of my car, fumbled around for me keys, trying to unlock my door. Unfortunately, there were people in their cars on both sides of my car, but i didn't care. I was nearly home free. As i got in my cars i slid the diapers into the back seat, covered them with a sweatshirt in the back, just out of pure nervousness, and pulled out. I sped home amazed at what i had done. It was like a dream. I couldn't believe it. I mean, aside from a few little things it went really well... I got home and ran the diapers into my house, hesitating a bit before entering just to make sure my family weren't home. Even though they wouldn't normally be, i was feeling cautious! lol. I ran them up to my home with immense relief.... Here I was, in MY room, with MY first diapers, home alone. I didn't buy powder or anything like that (that is until yesterday [thursday]) so i only had to figure out a place to keep my diapers. A brilliant plan had struck me, and i was astounded by my tactfulness. hahaha. I popped open the bags of diapers (its so easy! who would have thought!?) and pulled them all out, stacking them in small, neat piles on my bedroom floor. 8... 16... 24... 32... I had to hide 31 diapers, subtracting the one that i was about to put on. =). I pulled two empty electric guitar cases from under my bed. Collecting dust. I rarely used them, and my family never ever looks in them. It was perfect. I originally thought i could get them all into one case, which would have been ideal. But unfortunately one of my cases was an impractical shape, and should only hold a few. However, with both cases i was barely able to fit in those two packs. I hid the guitar cases of diapers back under my bed, and I went and got a garbage bag to dispose of the diaper's original bags, along with my soon to be used diaper. =D.

I felt the diaper in my hands. The outer plastic was soft and gentle. I could slide my hand across it with ease and comfort. I unfolded it and laid it down on my bedroom floor. Obviously, i had undressed and was going to wear the diaper a.s.a.p... It took me a second to think about it. For some reason it took me a little while to figure out how to diaper myself, lol! I was like.... does the side with the tapes go under my butt or....??? Well, i figured it out! lol. I laid down on the soft plastic garment and felt an immediate rush. My heart had been thumping in my chest all day. I was a little turned on of course because part of the nature of my 'fetish' is sexual, however... that being said, It was mostly just pure excitement and relief from years and years of anticipation and self-denial. I was finally a true DL this Monday. =). I was finally trying what i had always dreamed to try! SO anyway. I got the diaper on, and i had to stand up and adjust the tapes to make it a bit snugger. And i did kinda a crappy job diapering myself for the first time! lol. But there i was, 19 years old, diapered, and extremely happy. I love it so much. It might be socially taboo, but its part of who i am and i have grown to accept that. Its not perverse, its not pedophilia, its not immoral. It's just a personal fun and exciting activity! And while im still not comfortable to the point where i want anyone to find out, i feel comfortable with myself! And thats an important first step. Because instead of hiding how i feel, and what makes me feel good. I need to embrace it! Because me wearing a diaper isnt hurting anyone. I didn't let it take over my life, its not getting between my friends or family or school. It's my choice and its a private choice and i love it! Anyway. This week has been full of wet diapers, and one small small mess. =P Its kinda hard for me too pee in my diaper still, let alone poop in it. Plus im still afraid of blowing my cover!

Anyway. That is the story of me, as a ABDL, not really me as a person entirely. There is a LOT more to my life (as im sure is the same with all you other people too!) than wearing a diaper. However, that being said, liking to wear and use diapers is a part of my life. And its a part that im starting to be more accepting of. I hope that one day i can tell my best friend without putting a weird distance in our relationship. (Ironically him and i have joked about wearing diapers on multiple occasions and last summer he worked in a drugstore and said he sold a lot of them. So we had a discussion about how its not really a big deal and how he doesn't really care about it. Maybe he's secretly a ABDL too! hehehe. =D. A guy can dream right?)... Anyway. Im glad to be part of this community too. And im glad to know that other people have shared my experiences all around the world. I mean seriously, boys, girls, america, europe, australia, etc. I've seen pics and heard stories JUST like mine. And im sure there are many unsung ABDLs in the world, who have too much of a conflict to "out themselves" even on an internet forum or myspace or something like that. I had been interested in this since childhood and i had never outed myself until right now. (I also made a myspace with pics and stuff, so if you have a ABDL myspace, befriend me!). Anyway. i'm happy to know that im not alone, and that other people who live normal lives are in the same boat i am in. And im sure their are people reading this forum that arent registered, who are having a ABDL conflict in their lives. Maybe they are confused, or maybe they are too scared to try it. My advice is, dont worry about it too much. Try it when you are ready, and dont worry about what society thinks. Because i guarantee that (even though they aren't all ABDLs), the vast majority of people you know in your life have a secret fetish or sexual preference that they may be hiding in their daily lives. And i think that if you were to look into the minds of people you see EVERYDAY, like friends, family, classmates, etc., you would likely find that a lot of them are hiding something. Maybe they are gay, maybe into S&M or bondage, or one of the hundreds of other fetishes and lifestyles. Its alright to be who you are, and if you feel better keeping it a secret, then go ahead! The only person that you have to be honest to is YOURSELF. Know who you are, and love who you are and you will feel better about your life! And if you are lucky enough to tell a friend or family member and have them be OK with it, or even supportive or interested, just consider yourself lucky. They might even open up and let you know about something that they have been bottling up!

Anyhow. Thanks for allowing me this space and time to rant about my life and my experiences with ABDL. Add me to myspace (www.myspace.com/edoabdl). You can check out my pics! =). Cause who DOESN'T look cute in a warm diaper? hehe.

Thank you all!

-edokat

.....and breathe!

Welcome edo, that was an intro-and-a-half! Hope you enjoy it here.

D lly

[beallucanb]

Great story, you will make alot of new freinds here, enjoy those diapers you have earned it, remember you not alone, we are all here for you...B

[Guest]

Hahaha... It's easy for me to rant when i've been doing these things for years and years and never telling anybody about them! Im just glad that i finally had the guts to buy some diapers!!! =)

Too bad i have to go through all that nervousness again when i run out!! =P Oh well, if i did it once i can do it again.

[pax87]

don worry edokat, i go thru the same thing too! Heck i have a method, and it gets easier the longer you wear. you stop caring about what others think.

WELCOME!

blimey

[beallucanb]

Too bad i have to go through all that nervousness again when i run out!! =P Oh well, if i did it once i can do it again.

It won't be nearly as bad the next time, just remember you are the customer, they need your bussiness, the worst is over for you now, now you can experiment with differnt diapers, stuffers and don't forget to get yourself some diaper cream, ASAP, if you take good care of your skin right from the beginning, you won't have painful diaper rash later on.

Don't by diaper ointment, to greasy, the cream go's right into your skin, and protects it, I like A+D at CVS.

Good Luck and have a good time.....B

[dldad]

Welcome to DD, and don't worry about the butterflies in the stomach when going to buy your diapers, as everyone has been there before and some still. But like everything else, with continued purchases, they will be easier and the fears should dissipate. I hope you can enjoy yourself and have fun and remember, life is to short, make the most of it.

[just_here]

Wow I like your writing style edokat! Very entertaining and I can totally see the events happening right before my eyes you're a good writer

I'm glad you got the courage to get those diapers and I hope you enjoy them to the max! Don't worry too much about when you gotta buy new ones...if anyone asks (which they won't) you could always say "wow yeah my grandma is totally picky about the disposable diapers she wears she didn't like those poise ones" But I really think people could care less about what you're buying. I'm sure it'll get easier as time goes on.

Welcome and I hope you meet a lot of nice and interesting people here. I hope to see you around the boards and maybe in the chatroom.

[special lil kitty]

no need to worry and get so nervous. Most people wont even think about what you got and the others will most likely think that its really nice of you to be taking care of grandma or grandpa - in fact that is what i planned to say if i ever ran into a snag - 'grandma had a stroke last year' although I havent run into a snag - people in families tend to have simular body builds but people are extreemly unlikely to look at the diaper size you are getting and size you up... unless maby they are a diaper lover...

then whats the harm

hope you have an easier time...

what used to really feel bad for me was going to get tampons because that is like anouncing your period... but since the diapers i dont gotta care about that.

[jazz42]

Great intro, wow,, was that a short story? lol. hey man just have fun. you are what you love,

Never let it get ya down, u will always have a support family for what you love in life !

Jazz

[tenderheart]

I know exactly what you where going through when you where buying those diapers, I thought you where talking about me for a second. I spent years trying to conceal/repress the desires I had for diapers. But then I realized I wasn't doing myself any favors by denying a part of my self and that I shouldn't feel guilty about doing something harmless and having fun. Plus, there's something about the feeling of a wet diaper. Hope you find fun times and good people here. *hugs*