New, Into Diapers, And Not Comfortable With It

[Guest lesbiangal]

Hi all,

I'm a lesbian gal in her early twenties (no, really...what is it with all these idiots pretending to be young lesbians? Sigh) who has recently discovered that I'm into diapers at some level. I'm also inclined towards BDSM (mainly bondage, d/s, and flogging), and I've known about those desires (at least the bondage and d/s) for a long time, since I was a child and didn't know those thoughts had a name. I'm pretty comfortable with having those feelings as an aspect of my life, although I am still in the process of trying to figure out how healthy they are and whether I should act on them. It's also tricky because woman-to-woman BDSM is such a small component of the BDSM world - the gay leatherman and heterosexual scenes are far bigger, so I feel that I'm reducing my odds of finding a compatible girlfriend (and someday, wife) that way.

A few months ago, I got it into my head that I should try out diapers. I had never thought about it before. Really, diapers had never popped into my brain since my siblings and I were toilet trained. I had never fantasized about them, never spent any time on them...other than to think that one (of many) reasons I don't want to have kids is because I don't want to bother with issues like diaper changing and toilet training. (Still true, by the way...when it comes to kids, I'm not a fan and don't even like to interact with them if I can help it.)

I suppose when it comes down to it, I'm a masochist. Probably more of an emotional masochist than a physical masochist. I don't know why, but humiliation to me can be a fulfilling thing. Not necessarily an erotic thing, although it can be. But it touches me at some pretty intense level to feel certain types of humiliation. Much to my surprise, it seems as though wearing a diaper is one of those types of humiliation.

See, I don't relate to the people who consciously want to regress to childhood, or to the ones who want to be treated like babies by a "mommy" or "daddy" figure. For me, I feel ... touched in some way by the humiliation factor of being an adult who is forced "against her will" (though not really, of course...these games are complicated) to abstain from using the toilet and "wet" herself instead. I don't want to be babied (so the "adult baby" category really doesn't fit), I want to be humiliated.

I don't feel comfortable with wanting to be humiliated at all, I guess. It's not "normal" (but hey, being lesbian isn't considered normal yet either, at least not by everyone.) The thing is, I was able to conclude for myself that it is perfectly healthy to be a lesbian (if you disagree, there's not much point in us discussing it - let me be a lesbian and you can "choose not to be," how's that?), so I feel comfortable with that aspect of my life. Even though I enjoy humiliation, I am not sure that it is healthy at all, from an emotional standpoint. What causes someone to crave a feeling that should be thought of as bad?

Still, I feel "more comfortable" with other ways in which I enjoy humiliation, including bondage and flogging. And yet wearing diapers strikes me as "not okay." Maybe it's because I can trace those other feelings as far back as I can recall, but I don't have any history of wanting to wear diapers. It just sort of happened to me, and I don't know why. It was never threatened or used as a punishment, nor did I ever have these feelings as a teenager, which seems more common. Also, female DLs (not even comfortable with that term) seem in the minority, and I didn't even realize that there were any other lesbian DLs until I saw a post in the rainbow forum. I think I would honestly prefer not to wear diapers, but it is one of those things that - if I try to stop thinking about now - I feel more fixated on. So part of me wants to stop and part of me doesn't. I'm not sure where to go from here.

Whether I choose to continue with this as a part of my life or not, I'd like to see it become a less compulsive part of my life. Although my other fetishes would not be classified as paraphilias by the DSM, this one is starting to come close. Advice or thoughts are welcome.

[Pipsqueak]

First off ... welcome lesbiangal!

Yeah, it's a big can of worms, isn't it? Most of us here, at some point or another have felt uncomfortable with the feelings we have towards diapers, be it a sexual turn-on, a need to be babied, or an enjoyment of the humiliation factor. Like most things, it takes time to accept and feel comfortable with parts of ourself that are not quite "mainstream". The obsessive factor in your life right now might be made worse by the fact that you're really uncomfortable. I found that as I accepted what I was and that there was nothing wrong with it (unless it takes over your life completely) the obsessive quality disappeared. It used to be that when it came on me I couldn't think of anything else. It had me in it's grip until I indulged it. Now that's not the case. I enjoy it and indulge it when I want. It's no longer a case of "I must"!

The thing that helps is to remind yourself that there is really nothing terrible about wearing diapers. Babies wear them, people who are incontinent wear them. They are a type of underwear when you get right down to it. The humiliation factor turns you on. That's not a big deal. You're not hurting anyone in the process. It may be that during your regular day to day life, you avoid anything that might humiliate you so you need to balance that out a bit in the bedroom. As long as you control it and you don't let it control you, you're fine.

[Hunter1076]

I'm with Pipsqueak on this one..

Indulge your self for awhile. Does it hurt anyone else ???? No ? then what's the problem?

You only live once, and may as well try everything once or twice in life before it ends.

I'm a firm believer in the idea that if it's between one or more concenting adults, Then anything is fair play.

Hell, I even tryed baked squash for dinner once..

Tryed it once, didn't like it, but will probably try it again before I die just to make sure I "really" don't like it..

[Topguy]

I have had quite a few female subs that I made wear diapers.

Humiliation is a base factor for many sub women. To have control of the body stripped away to these levels makes them feel very much the animal. There you are wearing a diaper. You know you are not a baby-but the top is pretty much treating you like one-some out of control little creature-who needs to be kept in protection to be trusted not to ruin the carpets and furnishings.Perhaps you are not even allowed to sit on the furniture when you are in them-you might leak. Perhaps you will have to beg to be changed-or service the top sexually to be changed.

All the while,you realize that it is futile to try and hold it. It's just going to hurt-so you learn to release when you feel the slightest urge. Not only that-but your top may force you to even further humble yourself-by prohibitng the use of the toilet for days at a time-for anything.

And is not going to listen to your begging-to not further humble yourself by pooping your diapers. The reason that subs get off on-and obsess over these sorts of things are very simple. It's the intensity of unrelenting control. And the fact that your own body is going to force you to comply with that control.

Eventually,it is not even humiliating-if you do it long enough-it just becomes part of the intimacy. You aren't alone-I would not worry over it too much-there are women out there who enjoy this as much as I do-from the top side.

[Wet_Diaper]

I agree with what's been said about giving everything an honest shot. This is my first week of steady diapers - I don't wear them out but I usually mess in them at night while doing a paper for class or watching a movie. At first I was attracted to the wet feeling, but I figure, hey, you only live once, maybe I'll go #2 as well. I find that I like it the more I go.

Sexuality is a big wide open field to explore. Give it an honest shot before deciding it's not for you is my motto.

[tris]

Wetdiaper, were/are you a debate student? We had a similar quote (in your sig) my sophomore year of HS about our neg responses.

And if you don't like baked squash then f*ck you! (its my favorite)

lesbiangal, I don't know what kind of hurdles you had to clear in order to 'come out' and be happy, but, what we go through here is much of the same process. There's something missing in our lives, or something we want but are too afraid to reach out and grab it. But when we take the chance, do what it takes to make us happy, in some ways the struggle was totally worth it.

I mean, you 'came out' and identify as "lesbian" to most people already, right? Maybe you need to 'come out' to yourself again?

Because of the perceived lack of AB/DLs, we can tend to get a little cult-like here, and on other boards when it comes to new folks that are curious about diapers. So don't let me or anyone else sway how YOU really feel on this issue. Maybe diapers are just a passing fancy for you, or maybe they're something that's been in your subconscious all along and you're just beginning to see. That realization is up to you, lest our incessant babble is just white noise in your field.

[wsdler]

Lesbiangal,

If you're really worried about it I might suggest talking to a therapist about it so you can come to terms with what is right for you. I've had an interest in diapers for as long as I can remember. When I was around 5 I remember finding my baby diapers, putting them on and wetting them. It wasn't until about 3 or 4 years ago or so that I was able to come to terms with the fact that it's OK to wear diapers and use them. The litmus test for me is that my interest in diapers does not interfere with my personal relationships or professional life. The moment it crosses that line I'll probably seek counsel but I seem to have found the balance. I'd suggest that maybe that could be a start for you with regards to the humiliation. I'm not a psychologist so I have no idea if such things are emotionally harmful but the fact that you're concerned about it tells me that you know there's a need to strike a healthy balance and I think you'll probably find that. If you were to not care about it, then I'd be concerned but I don't think that partaking in consensual humiliation where a dominant partner forces you to wet your pants or something similar is harmful so long as that aspect of your life stays private between the two of you (unless you're at a gathering where that kind of sexual exploration is acceptable and your are amongst like minded individuals). I think even having someone "force" you to wear and wet diapers in public is perfectly fine because nobody will have any clue that you're wearing a diaper. The point it becomes a problem is when your relationships outside of your private life are effected or if you become entirely consumed by a certain lifestyle and it prevents you from moving forwards personally and professionally.

So with that said... go wet your pants, go put on a diaper and go out in public (be sure to put on pants or a dress first... well... unless you're going to a Halloween party... and if so... don't wet the diaper ) and enjoy it if that's what makes you happy.

[Wet_Diaper]

Wetdiaper, were/are you a debate student? We had a similar quote (in your sig) my sophomore year of HS about our neg responses.

I was into debate in high school but I never ran across that quote. I'm in my second year of college now. I just found the quote online and thought it would make a good signature.

[just_here]

Hey Lesbiangal! Welcome!

Wow, you got quite a bit of confusion there. Look, I wouldn't worry about it too much. As long as you are happy and aren't hurting anyone there really is no use in wasting our lives away denying ourselves things that make us happy. This world is stressful enough as it is without us going around imposing these "socially acceptable" rules on ourselves. Who's the judge of normal anyways? I think "normal" is in the eye of the beholder. Whats normal for me might not be normal for you...so on and so forth. Yeah, female DL's (or whatever term you would prefer) do seem to be in the minority, but people into BDSM AND diapers isn't too odd I think. Point I'm trying to make is that you'll find someone for you. Maybe that person won't be into wearing diapers, but as long as that person can accept, support and occasionally indulge your decisions and/or lifestyle...I think thats really important. Furthermore, no one in this world is perfectly "healthy" we all have something thats a bit different or strange to others. I'll tell you whats really healthy though...that you are happy! If diapers is part of that then let me turn the societal view around for you...diapers are healthy cause they make you happy

Indulge, enjoy and try not to give too much of a damn what people/society think. Sometimes we tend to complicate our lives by worrying a lot more than we have to. Just go with the flow...diapers, no diapers, sometimes diapers...it doesn't really matter. What matters is that YOU are a good person and that YOU are doing right by yourself. I think if you explore around these boards and maybe pop into the chat you'll realize that you're not that odd. We're all just people regardless of what underwear we choose to use. Don't let your underwear define you, just like you wouldn't let your sexual preference define you. There's more to everyone than just being a Lesbian/Straight guy or gal or being a DL/AB. And, hey, even if you decide that diapers aren't for you, people here are pretty accepting...TRUST ME! I don't wear diapers myself lol. As long as you show the respect and friendliness you won't be lacking in nice people to bounce your ideas off of.

Once again, welcome! and enjoy!

[FunTime]

I think it's always one of those things. It's not "The Norm" right (but what really is ) so associating it with yourself or involving yourself with diapers and any acts with it is probably hard.

I've gone through that back and forth but I have never done anything drastic (like throw things away, hello I'm saving my money thanks!). Today, I do and don't associate it with me. I recently told my girlfriend, so that I can deal with it, I'm kinda considering it one of those sexual wants / needs just like any other ... it's hard to think of it with the "This is me" mentality ... instead, I'm just thinking it as "Lets have some fun" and laugh it off.

And at the end of the day there's a lot I'm sure you don't know about your friends and family and the "fun" they like to have, no matter how boring or stiff they seem. So you chose a few things here and there and can have fun with it, go for it! As long as you're not hurting anyone (phsyically - not on purpose ) and you're not involved in anything illegal (in most states) you're good to go.

Just don't psych yourself out for no reason, that's all.