Wreck-working progress

[SanguineReader]

I am working on this car wreck scene, Hoping for some feedback. Have never written any thing like this before, was trying to capture the dynamic action.

Ill leave out the proceeding 6 pages to be concise, though it does give more context.

 

Having found some of his nerve, he noticed the rain; it had picked up while he was inside. And his gathered nerves slipped through his fingers. Not wanting to drive in this kind of weather, if he could have avoided it, he would never drive. But his supply had run low, and he still had to get to work, he did not have a choice.

And memory came back to him, His new job; “started in less than an hour” he thought, wishing he had the day shift. Taking a deep breath again, he walked quickly to his car, regretting parking so far away. With one hand clutching his purchase, as his other reached for his keys.

                His new job, he could not be late. It took everything he had to find the courage to include on his resume that he had a medical issue and had to wear protection

Standing in front of the car door, it was hard to see the keyhole, but on finding it he pushed the old key into the lock.

“Screeeeeeeeeech”

Josh reacted to a terrifyingly familiar sound as rubber screeched nearby. And as he looked up, for a moment he saw beams of light rolling in the darkness failing to pierce the shallow fog on the street as the beams scattered. Then the booming clang of metal echoed uncomfortably close into the long cold night.

Then his world went black.

 

Robert

Passing the recently built subdivisions catered to the more affluent, and not too far from his house he approached a familiar intersection. (not a place for a drunk to be, change the setting)

Robert was still semi daydreaming, waiting, and hoping for the eventual day he longed for, when he could be a true and proper daddy in his own right. His mind distracted, in the happy thought; then his instincts noticed; through the windshield, fog, and rain the silhouette of something, no, someone in the middle of the street.

INSTINCT, that part of his mind that saw more clearly and reacted faster reached for the control center of his brain.

His instincts fully engaged, taking control over his body, forcing his consciousness away. Adrenaline surging, he used all his might to jerk the steering wheel as hard as he could towards the left. While simultaneously slamming on the brake; causing a dreadful screech to fill the night. Losing control, the rear wheels lost their grip on the road as they spun out and hydroplaned over a puddle.

A disorientation of unease formed in the pit of Roberts stomach as his body rose in the air and like a corkscrew turn on a roller coaster was yanked back down over repeatedly. The centrifugal forces of the role slammed Robert’s head into the glass of the window. Time slowed down as he began to crash and ricocheted through the street and into a parking lot. Contorting and crunching of metal, violent vibrations stabbed at him knocking the air from his lungs.

The vehicles airbags deployed on first contact with the street, creating a protective cushion of air inside the cabin, though the side bags malfunctioned. Roberts arms flailed against the window, roof, and dash; unable to bring his arms to his chest, unable to find purchase or something to brace against. Helplessly strapped to his seat, terror overcame him as he was forced to endure the merry go round from hell.

Thank goodness for the fire hydrant that slowed and altered the path of the rolling car. Thank goodness for the adjacent parked Toyota as it absorbed most of the momentum. The back end of his car, up in the air rolled over the Corolla, the front low to the ground. The back end rolled and fell, causing the front end to pop in the air. Partially slamming into the parked civic, bumping it a few feet as it continued to roll over the hood.

And as he rolled across and off the hood, being pulled back down again he thought he saw a kid or a teenager from his elevated position through the window as he came crashing upside down for the final time, coming to a tittering stop as the car found a new center of balance.

Robert never quite lost consciousness, but he was in a daze and in shock.  

“Ahhhhhh”, He groaned.

He was not sure how long he hung there, his world upside down. Long enough to feel his heartbeat in his ears as his blood circulated into his head. Long enough to feel the fatigue of the straps anchoring him in place. Long enough to feel the aches in his body, the thumping in his head from being tossed like a ragdoll as a female voice drowned on over the speakers.

For a long minute he just hung their panting as his sense of orientation came back to him. Causing his windshield to fog a bit as he did so. He raised his arms off the roof of his car bringing them to his face, needing to feel something as if the act would tell him he was ok.

Instinct: “Wait, where’s The kid.”

His instinct roared back to life looking this way and that. And there, seeing somehow into the dark outer periphery, through the passenger window the outline of a body overturned on the pavement. For a long moment his instincts recoiled from the daze of what it saw. It retreated long enough for Robert’s conscious mind to come to the surface to see what had made his instincts to retreat.

“NO!”

And past fears came to him, his nightmares realized. That it had happened. He had harmed, hurt, caused pain, he had killed…..”NOOO!” he screamed.

Robert had feared this moment, ever since the instinct came to him when he was triggered in his sophomore year. The thought of what he might be responsible for came to him in a sudden flood of panicked terror, a desperation for it not to be so.

And in a rare moment of clarity, in a moment of grim determination he and his instincts united as one inside his Big space. The combined effort was enough to ignore the pain and discomfort and a new shot of adrenaline fueled the duet that played inside his mind.

Frantically, his body wiggled and strained to get free as he clawed at the latch of his safety harness. Finding the latch, he struggled with the release.

Though he felt it, Robert ignored the new added injury as gravity pulled his large muscular body headfirst into the roof.

“Please remain in the vehicle” the AI stated. “Distress call has been dispatched and emergency assistance is on its way.” The Ai continued to repeat itself as Robert struggled to pull his legs down and out of the driver’s alcove. Crawling over to the passenger side, the compartment now smaller from the crash; seeing again what he thought might be a teen or a kid laid out on the pavement. On his belly he reached and tried the door handle, though Robert had no way of knowing that the locking mechanism had been damaged.

“Stupid computer.” Roberts mind whirled, “wait the computer.” (I may cut this)

“System: Activate emergency door ejection” Robert yelled desperately.

“Processing, denied. Please remain in the vehicle…”

“There is a guy out there, I need to check to see if he needs help.” Robert tried again. “Please stay in the vehicle and try not to move. Initial diagnostic complete; damage to the driver is non-critical, please stand by for medical aid.”

Taking a moment to breathe and think, “there is an injured person, and I need to render medical assistance.” “Processing, denied.”

He tried again “the vehicle is in bad shape, there are hazardous conditions that will lead to my death if you don’t let me out. “Negative, no such conditions detected.”

Growing frustrated at his inability to do anything but watch on he screamed “Fucking rich people and their stupid cars”. And then he tried again “your sensors are not working right; don’t you see the fire.”

 “No fire detected.”

“I am going to suffocate or burned to death he howled If you don’t let me out, I can see hazards you can’t, “Processing. Considering. Denied.”

Robert tried to turn his body, to get his legs under him to kick the passenger side window out but was unable to. Frustration continued to grow. Anger and explosive energy wailed up inside, coiling like a snake, enraged at the time he wasted on the AI, enraged by his lack of mobility. Robert found footing somewhere in the driver’s compartment to brace himself. He bawled up his fist and began to punch the window, over and over, until it shattered.

Ignoring the bloody mess that was now his hand, he hauled himself through……….

 

 

 

 

 

[SanguineReader]

I like that a lot of people have seen this, but really could use some feed back. be brutally honest if you want. I have over 200 pages in the works and so much more to write. If i need to step up my game i will, but i need to hear that from you all, so please if you read this, say something, it was bad, it was good, take an extra minute and add what you liked, or did not like. i no this is missing context but that's on purpose dont want to spoil things down the road.

[ValentinesStuff]

A couple of things.

First the situation doesn't seem to make sense, unless Robert is swerving to miss a small furry creature. If he is just seeing Josh and swerves to miss him, then he doesn't have the space for the car to flip over and hit a hydrant before flipping over Josh. If he has the space to do all the flipping he would have the space to easily move out of the way.

 

Second if his vehicle has an AI that can control itself it should have safely swerved out of danger long before Robert got in the accident.

[SanguineReader]

Its one of those things where your context is limited because i did not post the whole scene. It supposed to begin with robert leaving work and then you switch to josh perspective that leads up to the crash. i was thinking if i kept it short i might get more people to read it. maybe i should of just posted the whole scene.

Why Robert swerved, he was suppose to do it because there is a drunk guy in the road, but that would not make much sense considering the setting so i was wanting to re imagine that, as for the AI. He disengaged it  prior to the scene, its like 4 pages before what i posted. i might not want to say AI because that implies that the car should of acted on its own. will have to think on that.

 

hey thanks for responding, means a lot. i think i am just going to post the whole scene.

 

[ValentinesStuff]

Rich people get drunk too. And they do stupid stuff too. You just need to make it clear that it isn't Josh that he's avoiding.

 

Add in a sentence to show the AI waking up. Put it just before Robert thinks about the kid. Such as:

The AI woke up, "Accident detected. Assessing situation."

Instinct: “Wait, where’s The kid.”

[SanguineReader]

yeah that could work, and your not wrong. there is not a lot of understanding of where josh, Robert, and the drunk are. i can see how that would be confusing.