Is this lifestyle compatible with children?

[Comfidry-lover]

I have been with my partner for just over two years. We have been living together for 5 months. I'm in my early 40s and she is in her mid 30s.  She wants children and I think I do too, but I have been going back and forth on the decision.  We are running out of time. My main fear about NOT having children is being old, lonely, and unfulfilled.  I also do not want to have any regrets at the end of life.  I enjoy the company of children during family visits but at the same time, I am an introvert and adore my alone time.

My fear of having kids includes:

• Having 24/7 responsibilities
• Putting others ahead of myself
• Loss of privacy/independence
• Being irritated due to lack of sleep
• Being a single father in the event of a breakup

I am also a DL and for the longest time, my goal was to simply find an AB/DL woman and be a "Daddy" to her.  I met multiple AB/DLs and while we had the same fetish, we didn't have the proper chemistry.  I gave up on that dream because in my opinion, it isn't realistic for a long-term relationship.  My current partner is vanilla and she is very supportive of my fetish.  I wear 3-4 times a week and I also love BDSM, including being tied to the bed for hours at time -- which I currently do a few times per week.   My question is whether this lifestyle is compatible with children or whether I should let my own desires get in the way of that decision.  I'm primarily interested in hearing from others in this lifestyle who have children and how that worked out.

Thank you!

 

 

 

 

 

[FretaBWet]

First off, I'd like to commend you for even asking this question. So many couples have children without ever seriously thinking about the long term effects of having them. The usual result is children suffering broken homes or child abuse.

I have 3 children and was a DL even as a child myself. I'm not qualified to give you advice on what you should do because this is a decision only you and your S.O. can make but I can tell you how it turned out for me.

I wouldn't trade my children and grandchildren for any amount of money. They all love me and respect me and I couldn't ask any more of them. There were things my ex and I did to insure the children wouldn't be affected by my fetish. We kept my diapers and other supplies up on a shelf out of reach when they were small. When we bought our house we bought it in a neighborhood where they could safely walk to the local Grammer school. We also bought a raised ranch home and put our bedroom in the basement so all 3 kids could have their own room. We had a slide bolt lock on the bedroom door downstairs so they couldn't just walk in. We had a living room, half bath and a walk in closet.

Having children and still enjoying your play time can be done. The real question is do you have the will to do it. It takes work, it takes a lot of thought on how to arrange it. You could take your being a DL out of the picture and you would still be facing the same question. I wish you the best of luck whatever your decision.

Hugs,

Freta

[foreverdl]

Freta Thanks . You have said a lot. I have said to be careful that the young kids don't see any of you fetish. And you have said it Good.

The issues with it and having young kids are a lot. Kids see and they will talk. And next thing you are in jail for sexual abuse, and you are Not guilty. But before it's all over you lose your kids and respect of anyone , family etc. I held out and hid my secret till my son was an adult and as far as I know he still has no clue.. It's very tricky. I like the idea of the basement bedroom with a good lock. Thumbs up.

[Little Sherri]

4 hours ago, Comfidry-lover said:

I have been with my partner for just over two years. We have been living together for 5 months. I'm in my early 40s and she is in her mid 30s.  She wants children and I think I do too, but I have been going back and forth on the decision.  We are running out of time. My main fear about NOT having children is being old, lonely, and unfulfilled.  I also do not want to have any regrets at the end of life.  I enjoy the company of children during family visits but at the same time, I am an introvert and adore my alone time.

My fear of having kids includes:

• Having 24/7 responsibilities
• Putting others ahead of myself
• Loss of privacy/independence
• Being irritated due to lack of sleep
• Being a single father in the event of a breakup

I am also a DL and for the longest time, my goal was to simply find an AB/DL woman and be a "Daddy" to her.  I met multiple AB/DLs and while we had the same fetish, we didn't have the proper chemistry.  I gave up on that dream because in my opinion, it isn't realistic for a long-term relationship.  My current partner is vanilla and she is very supportive of my fetish.  I wear 3-4 times a week and I also love BDSM, including being tied to the bed for hours at time -- which I currently do a few times per week.   My question is whether this lifestyle is compatible with children or whether I should let my own desires get in the way of that decision.  I'm primarily interested in hearing from others in this lifestyle who have children and how that worked out.

There is a lot to unpack here. First of all, I agree with @FretaBWet that these are decisions only you can make. I'll throw my two cents into the mix, because I have kids, but, a lot of what you're asking about involves deeply personal questions. 

I would say, don't have children primarily because you "don't want any regrets" - having kids and regretting that decision is much worse then not having kids and wondering if maybe you should have. Lots of people life fulfilling lives and give a lot back to humanity and to their communities, without creating additional people. There are so many kids in the world who need help, as well as adults who need help supporting them - there are lots of meaningful ways to have purpose and to enjoy interacting with young people. You should, in my opinion, have kids only if you really, really want to take on that role - it has to be a calling, because properly raising kids requires an illogical amount of effort. It's a lifetime project, and they only really appreciate what you've done for them, when they start doing it for someone else. I know that's true of me - I had no idea how hard my parents worked or how much they loved me until I had kids of my own. Your appreciation of them has to be the primary reward in the project - they may never fully appreciate you. 

But at the same time as you're going to put in so much more than you objectively "get", particularly early on, there are a lot of intangible rewards sprinkled into the routine drudgery of being a parent - but, it's a particular kind of satisfaction, and not everyone is wired to appreciate it. Some people get endless joy from tending to gardens. I do not. So it goes with parenting, although, they do tend to steal your heart in a way that green peppers can't. But, there's nothing worse than a reluctant parent - you have to jump in with both feet, or none. 

Let's look at some of your concerns:

- Having 24/7 responsibilities - Yup, 24/7/365/20+ years and for most of us, a lifetime. 

- Putting others ahead of myself - A critical requirement. If you are not wired to do this, quietly, with no thanks, for years, this may not be the path for you.

- Loss of privacy/independence - Early on, 100%. Later, you start to get some of this back. Having a good partner helps a lot - you need to shift each other off, because kids are relentless opponents. 

- Being irritated due to lack of sleep - Par for the course for the first few years. I was lucky and both my kids usually slept through the night by the time they were, say, a year old. But kids throw up in the middle of the night, have bad dreams, get scared of storms, or just want company, sometimes - your sleep is definitely secondary for the first few chapters. 

- Being a single father in the event of a breakup - Don't go have kids unless you are pretty sure of your partner's commitment. Barring something catastrophic, even if you do end up breaking up - and 50% of couples do - you won't likely be a single parent, most likely you'll be sharing custody. But, it could happen, and you have to be ready to accept that. 

My question is whether this lifestyle is compatible with children or whether I should let my own desires get in the way of that decision.

I would say that it is compatible with having kids, in the way that, say, racing motorcycles is compatible with having kids. You're not going to race motorcycles while looking after the kids - it's something you're going to be doing when you've created space to do it, while the kids are with your partner or your mom or a paid sitter or whatever. There is nothing inherently incompatible with ABDL interests, and parenting - the parenting just has to come first. My personal story is that I met and married a vanilla lady while I was on a multi-decade hiatus from "this stuff", after my stepdad humiliated me about wearing diapers early in my teens. I was lucky enough not to be focused on this lifestyle when my kids were really little, but even if I had been, I don't think it would have mattered. There is a firewall between "this", and actual little humans needing care, that causes most of us to not relate the two of them, just as having both of my parents in diapers for a period of time didn't feel like a conflict to me - I just wasn't using the same part of my brain for that, as I do for "this." BUT - big but here - BUT, if you think you can't separate the two worlds, then do yourself a favor and don't have kids. You owe them a non-traumatic, "normal" relationship with their parents and an opportunity to develop through the stages of life with their peers. You can't tinker with their natural trajectory. 

In a related story, I was a champion bedwetter as a kid - I believe that's how I came to be wired the way I am and interested in "this" stuff. I have two kids, and my older daughter had a very normal developmental arc in that respect, and was out of diapers, day and night, before she was three. My younger daughter, however, took after her dad, and still wore pull-ups to bed until she was in middle school. However, I only ever want her to be happy and to feel good about herself, so, I supported her efforts to outgrow them wholeheartedly, even though I was enjoying wearing diapers myself. Their needs have to come first. But, it was entirely possible for me to drive them to school, or spend a day at a theme park with them, while wearing a diaper - they had zero interest in the details of my underwear, just as I had zero interest in my own parents' underwear. For all I know, my mom and dad both wore lederhosen when I was a kid - it's irrelevant. 

So, with a lot of careful planning and forethought, I believe that people with "this" interest can be parents. Let's face it, people into pretty much everything the human psyche has to offer, have become parents. How good they were at it depended on weather being a good parent came first, when the moment required it. 

 

 

[Stroller]

I was a similar age to you when I met my wife, and we decided we wanted kids.  My AB side then went into the closet for over 20 years - that was my decision, to protect both my wife and any kids.  My wife knew I was AB - I slept in a cot (crib) in my nursery.  I didn't want my wife to worry about me being an AB affecting the kids, and I didn't want the kids finding out.  So I pared back my AB things to what for me was the bare minimum, and wore nappies only very occasionally.  We raised 2 girls, and they are now adults and (mostly) away from home.  Once the younger one went off to college I went into nappies full-time, started going to AB events again, and these days I'm out completely when there's just the 2 of us here.  Mummy's very much vanilla, but she's understanding, and does a good job of looking after me.

So, that's one way of coping - it worked for us.  I always had the long run in mind, knowing I wouldn't be in the AB closet for ever.  I won't say it was always easy, but then life isn't always easy is it?  Good luck!

[Comfidry-lover]

I appreciate the replies. I read each one of them in detail. One part that resonated with me is Little Sherri's post about having "a calling".  I never really got the calling personally. I also worry that it will change the dynamic between my partner and I, but at the same time, I was sad and lacking purpose as a single man. I know that it's time for a change but another worry for me is not seeing eye to eye with my partner.  While we are best friends and get along well most of the time, we have different political views and even argue at times. I still want to be with her but we need to find a way to get past our differences. We are both mature and our arguments are not mean spirited in any way, but I want to be in a different home when it happens.

The other struggle for me is that we have only been living together for 5 months.  We have learned a lot about each other during that time. We simply don't have the luxury of time on our sides, which makes the decision even more difficult.