I believe I have either achieved incontinence or reached a permanent tipping point in loss of control.

[emeraldcitybaby]

I've been wearing 24/7 for almost a year now, only wearing pullups when I'm out on hikes or doing other intense physical activity. The official anniversary date is Feb 7. I had been wearing 24/7 for a while before that, but it wasn't continuous, I would stop wearing when I ran out and try to go a few weeks or a month without. When I went fully full time I had already been wearing from Sept-NYE and I stopped for a few weeks after NYE bc I was trying to work out more. For several months of the past year I was listening to and following hypnosis files from sarnoga, champtheotter, and some other files for diaper dependence anti-potty training, or training/wetting amnesia. I have been listening to those regularly while wearing 24/7 on and off for months at a time since 2020. I have DID and I started doing this only to soothe the little parts of me (intially I was NOT ok with wearing diapers fulltime), but people with DID are generally more susceptible to hypnosis and we have been completely dissociating into the files so I don't really care anymore. Intermittently over the past year and when we were wearing before this year, we have trained with a smart watch timer to void at pseudo random intervals of 10-15 min.

I've read a lot of threads here and I am familiar with the concept of spiraling. I think we had most of our spiraling period last year, as we only kept going back in the diapers during that time because we kept getting fatigued trying to maintain control. During that time, if I wasn't paying attention to what I was doing, I could forget myself and start to let go, but I could also get control back. Then I started leaking in my underwear when I wasn't wearing, and I would wear liners to absorb it and keep me feeling dry. Well that only fed the hypnosis files, I started relaxing more because of that. I found that if I started to actually leak it wouldn't stop right away. Thicker pads, more relaxation. Try taking out the pads and I always smelled bad and I would end up being damp all the time. I could not afford to wash my underwear that often so I was going through pads pretty often. I never really wet the bed when I wasn't wearing but there were a few close calls where I would wake up realizing I wasn't wearing and have to clamp the pad to me or kink the hose depending on if I tucked to bed or not. All 2022 I basically fed OAB style bathroom habits if I wasn't wearing, I would have to get up every 20 min to pee, sometimes not even peeing more than a few drops, then dribbling into my pad when I stood up. I work at home so I can go as often as I needed to, and I used this to great effect.

At the beginning of this year, I was basically fully diaper trained, if not nearly dependent. I could go without a diaper, but it was with a high level of misery and I had difficulty controlling my bladder. Most nights I was still waking up and purposefully wetting while still laying down. Wet or partially wet nights were not uncommon, but they were usually a result of waking in the middle of the night to relieve myself. I started getting more wet nights around May/June but I had a trip and that caused a small setback. 

Things accelerated through July as I had a severe regression fit and I started waking up positively soaked every morning, it was like once my body started letting go again after the trip it would not go back to how it was. I had my best friend over for 6 weeks during August and September and she was ok with me changing around her and thinks I'm cute in my diapers and it makes me and my littles want to melt. She slept in bed with me in my diapers and for the first few days I couldn't wet in my sleep, I was waking up dry. By the end of the trip I was so comfortable around her in diapers that I never had a second thought about wetting in bed with her or even cuddling. 

Since then, dry nights are measured per month. Once a month, twice a month. I don't know the last time I woke up fully dry and didn't flood it upon gaining consciousness as an automatic response to being in control of my sphincter and realizing how badly I had to go. 

I really feel like I have absolutely no control. I threw away my underwear when I went 24/7 so I can't even test my ability to hold it. I just don't think it's possible. I leak while walking from the bathroom to my changing spot. I can't start walking, sit down, or stand up without engaging the muscles that cause me to pee. While sitting here or walking I will get "random" urges to empty my bladder, but it's usually about 15min +-5min, or I got a vibrating notification from my watch. I can't hear water without peeing, I can't drink water without peeing, even the rain will make me wet in shock bc I trained myself to release when cold air hits my diaper area, so the feeling of a cold wet sensation on my skin does it. 

Even when I'm not feeling sensation of fullness or a reflex to release or squeeze, I am filling my diapers. I cannot count how many times in the last three months I have felt the urge to go from fullness only to leak bc I didn't realize my diaper was already full from leakage. Not that I care about leakage since I bought a couple washable Northshore mats--just fold it over to sit on a dry quadrant of it. Most of the time I don't even think about any of it, and if I do I always just go ahead and go through the mental and physical motions of releasing and immediately "forget" to clench. I've only had two major leaking events. Once I was at an Amazon Go wearing a pullup, forgetting it was just a pullup, and the other was the moment I put the car in park after a 4 hour drive and my bladder released in full with me sitting there. I leaked like a mf but it wasn't a normal leak, THE DIAPER FAILED IN THE FRONT! I was pissing like a racehorse and it was coming out a hole in the front panel that Idk how it got there. 

At this point, the thought of retraining fills me with dread, and I'm not sure it's possible in our situation given that we were diapered for half our childhood so the learned control wasn't the greatest to start with. I don't have the confidence to be out of diapers for more than a couple minutes unless I'm showering. I found a pair of old undies I missed when I threw everything out and I put a pad in and tried to go without a diaper for a little bit and I immediately flooded as soon as I dissociated. It was quite humbling bc I didn't even realize I was undiapered until I heard the dripping into the newly formed puddle, I was so used to being in a diaper I forgot that I had intended to try to go without.

Am I upset about this? No, I got what I wanted or needed deep down, I suppose.

Edit: Honestly it feels like it should have always been, what with the failure to train in childhood and the various times I was put back in diapers. I was always ashamed of it, but I was relieved whenever my guardians were upset, frustrated, or disappointed enough in me to put me back in diapers. It was like they were finally accepting OK yea you can't control this, even if by their words and microactions they clearly weren't accepting of it. I was told I shouldn't use them for pee, only #2, since "that was what my issue was", but I had been having issues with peeing too, which I was hiding easier than the poo, so any time I was put back in diapers the wetting control would go bc I didn't have to worry about it and then my messing would get worse so they'd take me out of them and work me through training again, but it wouldn't take for #2. Rinse and repeat until it finally sort of took enough for them to stop buying diapers. Anyway, I'm actually still trying to retain it for now bc I don't want to deal with total incon yet in daily life in the city, but I can already tell that my bowel control is weakening and is not long for this world, so there might be that update to look forward to at some point. 

[Hannah YMS]

Wow, congratulations! Amazing work you've done. I'm kinda low-key jealous. I'm 3 years into my journey and making little progress.

Weakening bowel control seems to be common with untraining. I'm not sure it ever fully goes away, but hey, you're in diapers so does it ultimately matter? I guess it does if you don't want to mess a fresh premium diaper. Hehe.

Good luck with your continuing decline in continence. You've given others hope, I'm sure.

[foreverdl]

I like the Hypnosis files from these guys and others also, they have been helping me with the strong mental blocks I have from growing up where peeing beds pants etc are taboo ,  files from sarnoga, champtheotter, there are a lot of good files on warpmymind.com and others for help in many other issues . Sarnoga uses his own voice and he has a nice one. and champtheotter also has a good voice, both nice. If you want other things FEM etc they have a lot.