I just wanted to share this...

[HolliHaral]

Last week I have been informed my mum has passed away a couple of weeks earlier.

Well that says it all.
She didn't love me and I had broken up many years ago after something happened that just was the final straw and I no longer wanted to take the humiliation and demeaning of her psychological war.

I think there's something she's been hiding, possibly that I was conceived not by the person that was her husband and who I called dad -who passed away a couple of years ago. I have some clues but no proof.

She has taken what ever it was with her.

The news of her passing brings some emotions and memories and thoughts. No greater sadness other than incomprehension how someone can be so hard and mean to her child.

 

[NoIllDL]

The old adage "Time heals all wounds" comes to mind.  And, while time may not heal all of your psychological wounds, time will lessen them.  I am sincerely sorry for your loss and the trauma you suffered at the hands of your mother.

[~Brian~]

On 10/15/2022 at 6:36 AM, HolliHaral said:

Last week I have been informed my mum has passed away a couple of weeks earlier.

Well that says it all.
She didn't love me and I had broken up many years ago after something happened that just was the final straw and I no longer wanted to take the humiliation and demeaning of her psychological war.

I think there's something she's been hiding, possibly that I was conceived not by the person that was her husband and who I called dad -who passed away a couple of years ago. I have some clues but no proof.

She has taken what ever it was with her.

The news of her passing brings some emotions and memories and thoughts. No greater sadness other than incomprehension how someone can be so hard and mean to her child.

 

@HolliHaral

first: I want to tell you that the most important thing is, that regardless of how things turn out, that you are the person you are, and regardless of what happened or happened in your life, I would focus on what matters to you, and trying to bethe best person you can be . Far too often, there are many things in our lives that we don't understand, and we may never understand - sometimes parents can be harsh, sometimes they can be indecisive, sometimes they get scared, or they have their own demons that they deal with . I am sure that for example, my parents probably deal with things that i probably won't know about comma and i probably don't want to know about it, and there are things that my parents deal with that I know because of having to deal with them for as long as I have.

 Sometimes parents because of their own demons, cannot bring themselves to admit something that they might feel ashamed or bad about. What I can say to you is this: it is 100% normal to feel the way you feel, to have the emotions that you have, and to question things in your mind. However, even then, there are certain things that may cause you to feel bad because you didn't know what was going on prior to your parents death. I know it can be hard sometimes, but sometimes the best thing to do it's you try to think of something that is positive, likes thinking to yourself that you are your own person, and you will take the lessons learned from this experience, making sure that you don't have to live the same experience should you have children or take care of people that you love. People do make mistakes, and sometimes they don't realize that what they do can hurt other people : there are many things that have happened to me that hurt me, but I try not to let it bother me, even though there are some things that I just can't seem to let go.

it's not good to be in a position where you feel you're at war with your parents, and it's not good that someone may have hidden things from you throughout your life. I've always said that the worst thing that can possibly happen is to let somebody else's negative interactions taint your own life to the extreme where you cannot function. Sometimes when you're dealing with your parents, there are certain things that you can deal with, things that you do deal with, and things that you don't want to deal with. There are also things that you may know about, but you choose not to let that worry you. Having emotions is normal, and it will probably hurt you for a long while, because you're trying to figure out what it's going on, why your mom didn't say things that she may have hidden from you, or why she treated you like she did or did things to you like this. It's not fair, it's not right, but I can tell you that there have been times when I felt the same way. Things aren't fair, things aren't right, but I have to be able to deal with the reality of what I'm dealing with. I prefer to live in the present, in the now in the know: this doesn't mean that I don't learn from experience, and I don't learn from past experience: it simply means that I'm not gonna worry about what happened to me when I was ten years old, when I'm 50 today: when my parents bring up stuff like that, I try not to live in that type of situation, and I told them on a many occasions I'm not 12 years old anymore, I'm 50, I'm a responsible individual, and I do the best that I can even with my disability. Sometimes you hear bad things about your family members, and you may have preconceived notions about those suspicions, and when they are confirmed, you can then tell yourself that you were right, or if they're not confirmed that you were wrong!

Losing a loved one is not an easy thing to take care of or to deal with period in your case, you have baggage that you are trying to deal with, trying to make connections that were missing because your mom or your dad are no longer with you, and you still have questions and you still have doubts about things that happened when you where a kid. I'm sure that there are things that you would like to be able to ask them, and there are times that I wish that I could ask my grandparents some things about my parents as well, but they are no longer here. I try to think of the positives on every side. I know that it's going to hurt, and I've lost many of my family members that have been close to me. There is even been times when I wish that I could have said one more thing to a particular individual that I loved and cherished and respected. I keep on thinking in my head, that I should have done things differently, but then I look at my life in retrospect and think that there's nothing I could have done, and I'm doing everything that person would want me to do, or that I am trying to be the man that I want to be, and wonder if it is good enough. When I look at my life again, it can make me feel better about what I actually AM, because I know I'm doing my best.

As others have stated, time heals all wounds. This does not necessarily mean that you will not feel emotional about this subject, and it might take you a long while to be able to deal with it. You are dealing with a loss of someone who raised you, and that is one of the hardest things that you might have to deal with.  In your case, you are dealing with unanswered questions emotions and things that have been in your head for a long time, so it could take you a lot longer to deal with it. Please know that whatever happens, that there have been people like yourself that have been in the same exact position as you are now. There are times that I wish that I could figure out why things happened to me, or why people say things to me, or why somebody thinks they have to be so mean!

what I do is try to take my experiences in each particular situation: I always try to find the positive in each situation, even when there is a negative involved in this situation. They always say that you should treat others the way you want to be treated: well, I always try to do that. Three years ago, I became a member here, and I'm glad I did. It helped me to be the person that I am, that I've always been, and it only goes to show that what you are or who you are is influenced by those that are around you. Some people may not have the best upbringing, or the best role models, or have the best home life, but if you can turn a negative into a positive, and try to be the very best person you can be, then in my mind you have already beaten the game, because you learn from other people's experiences and from other people's mistakes as well as your own.

So in my mind: the best thing you can do is to be the best person you can be. You might not have had control of many things that happened in your life, but I think that it is important to know that regardless of what happens, it is hard to deal with somebody that you lose, even if it's somebody that you have had problems with in the past, but the best thing that I think will help you is to continue to be the best person you can be: in my estimation, I will not let someone else tell me something that is not true, or make what they think in their mind happen in my life. I am in control of what happens to me to the most current position possible. If you worry about what other people think all the time, then you end up worrying that you make mistakes, or that you may not be good enough. My problem is I worry too much about what people think what people believe and what people say: I figure the easiest way for me to be able to do the best with what life I have left is to try to find a positive in each situation and use that as a learning experience, making sure that people understand that it is OK to make mistakes, it is OK to be emotional, it is OK to cry and it is OK to show emotion: I'm an emotional guy myself, and I've been chastised and laughed at because of that, but I just can't help it: it's just the way I am.

So what I'm saying to you is: be the best you can be, and live your life to the the best of your ability, and remember that there are many people who may be like negative spark plugs in your engine. You might have to deal with a negative individual, and it might drag you down, but you are the one who is going to be in control of what happens, and regardless of your prior situations, you are the one who will be in control of what happens. Don't surrender control of yourself to anyone else, and don't let anyone else tell you what you are or what you are not. You are the one who is in control, and I know it is painful sometimes because you're not sure of certain things that happen, and you want answers. All I can tell you is that sometimes there are things in life that we just can't comprehend, and it might take a while for you to be able to deal with those situations, but please know that regardless of what happens, that I wish you all the best and may you be able to finally deal with the ghosts of your past, and if you need help, please seek out someone who may be able to help you: because on a couple of occasions I've had to do that myself, because I keep on having feelings that I can't deal with, and when I needed help, certain individuals were able to help me deal with parts of my past that made me feel like I was the reason why something happened.

Losing someone, regardless of who it is, is very hard: if you have unanswered questions it can be even harder, but I can tell you I have been in your position before, and it doesn't make it any easier! All I can tell you is to hang in there and be the best you can be

Condolences to you

Brian