Butterflies (Complete!)

[YourFNF]

Fuck I just want to hug Kylie right now.... And kick some ass....

[diaperpt]

What YourFNF said...

That had to be so hard for Kylie to talk about, but I'm thinking its a big deal and good progress for her.

[Sophie ♥]

Chapter Seventy-Three

"Anyway. You had a story? About a baby clothes store?" She couldn't possibly mean real baby clothes, right? But then again, was it more likely that she found a store with adult baby clothes?

"Right, okay, so I wanted something cute to wear, and I wound up looking online. I found this place that had some cute stuff and it said I could pick up, so I went out there." I let her digest that first, because there was no way I was wasting such a good story on one rambling rant.

"By 'cute' you mean 'Little'?" No one says baby clothes store if they are hitting up a Forever 21!

"Yes. I have pictures, we'll get to that. So anyway I—" Her eyes lit up and I put a finger to her lips. "Shh, I said we'll get to that. So I get there, I'm a nervous wreck. I'm sweating which I NEVER do, and I get my package. I get in the car, I open it, and it's not my stuff!"

"So you pre-ordered some little girl clothes from an actual in-person store. You go in, and you get someone else's package? You've heard of the internet, right? You know online shopping is a thing?" Of course she did! She spent more money online shopping than most people spent on food!

"Yes, but I wanted it for last night; I had the place to myself. So anyway, I see the name on there and it's Primrose something-or-other, and I'm like ‘well that's not me’, so I steel my nerves, I go back in there and the lady was super sweet and apologetic, and she goes to get my actual package, and who should walk into the store while she's doing that?"

"No way..." Okay, the story suddenly got interesting. I leaned forward in excitement. "So you knew what she got, right? Like, you knew this Primrose girl was a Little?" Truth be told, I'd never met another Little. I knew they existed, because of like... the internet. But that's it.

"Yeah! She got a onesie, and a skirt thing, and a flowery diaper cover. It was really cute stuff, but it wasn't mine. And she was really cute, too, and—" Fudge, what was the protocol here? Was I supposed to keep it a secret that she was trans? Frick. "—and anyway, so I get my stuff, she gets her stuff, I'm sitting in the front seat of your car hyperventilating, and when she walks out to get to her car, I just think... when am I ever gonna get this chance again? So I introduce myself to her."

"You?" Nope. No way. "You can't even pick a movie to watch. You can't call the office when your UBI card gets stolen. And you want me to believe you walked up to a total stranger and talked about her diaper cover?"

"I mean, yeah, I did! I told her about the mix up, and she was like 'oh it’s for a friend' and then I was like 'well I got the same stuff really and mine's for me' and she was like 'oh, mine too, do you want my number?' so we texted like all night. Anyway, so that's not the big best part of the story."

"You got her number?" I felt an ache in my chest, just a small one. I didn't like Ellie getting other girls' numbers... "Well... what's the best part, then?"

"I was talking about my friends and Marnie's name came up and she was like 'Marnie so-and-so'? and I don't know Marnie's surname which I guess is weird, so I was like 'iono' but she was pretty sure she knows Marnie."

"Her last name is Bastet," I told Ellie. Then I paused to think about it. "I guess there can't be that many local girls who like to play baby. It's not that surprising that they know each other." They probably met online, not in a concert bathroom.

"Oh yeah that's the name she said! Yeah. So here's the juicy part, are you ready for this?" I took her by then hands, took a breath, and felt every bit the teenage gossip princess. "She's Marnie's ex."

I blinked. Ex? Like... "Like, they dated? I didn't know Marnie dated people. I mean, I guess that tracks. I mean, people date people, right?" Not everyone was as fucked up as I was. "She never mentioned an ex. Maybe it ended badly? Wow, this is weird. Like, ‘seeing your teacher at the grocery store’ weird."

"I'm not sure. She said she was was looking for something more romantic, but Marnie is much more about the caregivery elements of a relationship and so they weren't compatible, which makes a lot of sense. But that's also kinda why she's so good for you too, because you want those bits but not really the romantic attachment, right?" I flicked through my phone to the pictures I took of myself so I could show them to Kylie; she'd love this.

"I guess so..." I tilted my head to the side and thought about it. Marnie and I never had a very romantic or sexual relationship. I mean, she was sexy. No doubt there! And the breastfeeding stuff was sexy too. But... it never felt that way. "Maybe we should talk to her about it? I mean, I don't like that you're talking to her ex and Marnie doesn't even know."

"This was like literally twelve hours ago, I'm gonna tell her. It's not some big secret. Anyway, do you wanna see pictures I took in my new outfit?"

"Ab. So. Lutely!" I shimmied closer to Ellie as she showed me the first of the set. The dress was definitely not the kind of thing you would buy at a grown-up store, that much was clear. It had over-the-shoulder straps like the denim one Marnie had dressed me in for our buffet trip. And it was fucking adorable.

"Why don't you ever wear orange? Look how cute you are!"

"Orange is hard to pull off, but my skintone works pretty well for it; I only really learned that last night. I got a diaper cover that matches it too, but then realized I don't have any diapers at home. Nor do I know how to wear them, and Prim teased me for that."

Ellie got a diaper cover? Like, for a diaper? She swiped to the next picture but I was thinking about my own things. I mean, I had some in my room... "So, uh. Is this like... Marnie's-house clothes? Or are you going to be like... dressing up at your place, or?"

"I dunno, actually. Marnie has a lot of cute stuff, but I'm kind of into this whole Little thing. So I thought it would be nice to own something of my own? And maybe when I stay the night here or when you come over there, we can dress cute together sometimes?"

I nodded my head, a bit of a smile forming on the corner of my lips. 'Kinda into this whole Little thing'. She was so fucking cute.

"Well if you want diapers, you can have some of mine. I mean... I keep some here, in case of anxiety problems or whatever." Totally normal, right? What adult woman doesn't keep diapers around for her panic attacks?

"Oh yeah? I don't even know the first thing about putting them on; I kinda zone out when Marnie's doing it, you know? That's a great idea though, you keeping some around just in case. You're such a clever kiddo."

I stuck out my tongue. Kiddo. She was such a brat! "They aren't that tricky once you get used to it. But it took me a few tries..." And even now, Marnie was still a thousand times better than me.

"Well, maybe I'll get her or you to show me, who knows! Do you like the skirtalls, though? I think it's just a super cute look, and the quality is so nice! If I wasn't freaked about them mixing up my order, I would totally buy from there again."

"Honestly, you're just as good with picking out clothes as you've ever been." But unlike before, I was actually interested! Ellie in cute pastel skirtalls and matching diaper covers... my mind wandered.

"Aw, well thank you! I'm starting all over from the bottom here, so it's all uncharted waters. I think I'm probably going to sell all my old clothes online or something? Like, start fresh. I don't have the closet space, and I invested so much in them; if I even get like 10% back I can buy a lot of cute girlie clothes and little clothes. Then I can model for you more."

She sure was bubbly, ever since she walked in the door. Actually, even when I was talking about what happened to me as a kid, she had a certain composure about her. She talked to that girl in a parking lot, and now she was telling me about getting some diapers for herself? It sure was weird.

"Hey, what's got you so..." What was the word? Confident? "I mean, you're acting different. Not that it's bad. Just sayin'."

"I think I just realized that life's a lingerie store, and unless I start picking things up off the racks and buying them, I'm never going to feel content." I nodded, assuredly.

"I... I guess so." Though the metaphor clearly held greater importance to Ellie, and I would have come up with probably anything else to explain the feeling, I knew exactly what she was talking about. I spent my whole life waiting, hoping it would all stay the same. But more had changed in the past month than the past fifteen years prior. And I was happier. I'd already figured all that out. So why should I still be wandering around the lingerie store, when I knew what panties I wanted?

"Hey, El. Would you want to go out sometime?"

"Sure! Like, to the mall?" I answered, immediately, chipper and bright and naïve, because honestly the whole idea that she could be asking a different contextual version of that question didn't even occur to me. Although her amused smile kinda started to give me an inclination.

"Sure, I mean... it's not a great... uh. Date venue, but..." I paused a moment and looked down at my hands. "Listen, I haven't dated anyone since I was like, eleven years old. So I'm pretty scared, not gonna lie. Like, maybe it'll mess up what we have, or... I dunno."

"Oh." Oh she was asking me on a date. Oh. Oh Holy fuzzies. "Oh, gosh, I didn't realize you meant, oh my gosh, yes! Yes, absolutely yes, I'll absolutely go on a date with you. Pshhh, not to the mall, uh... we can do... uh..." I was drawing a blank, "well, you asked me out, so you can decide, but yes, oh my gosh yes."

"I have to decide?" Oh, jeeze. Usually the boy did that kinda shit, right? But there weren't any boys. Hm, maybe I didn't think this whole lesbianism thing through. "I guess I'll come up with something..." Despite Ellie's excitement - and slight bewilderment - I seemed a lot less so. This really worried me...

My brain took a few seconds to catch up with everything else, like one of those slow-motion-fast-forward scenes in a movie, and I put my hands in Kylie's to give them a squeeze.

"What we have is invincible; I'm here to stay. So we might as well get to explore what else we can have, if we like each other that way, right? I promise, I'm not going anywhere."

I nodded with a half-smile. I wasn't sure I believed her, but I wanted to. Hopefully that would be enough.

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[YourFNF]

Woot! It's finally happening XD

[Sophie ♥]

7 hours ago, YourFNF said:

Woot! It's finally happening XD

Only took 73 chapters! XD

[diaperpt]

I so wanted to double triple love this chapter!! 

On 3/3/2021 at 11:41 PM, Sophie ♥ said:

Hey, what's got you so..." What was the word? Confident? "I mean, you're acting different.

Yeah! That's kinda what happens when you let your trans out of the bottle!

 

On 3/3/2021 at 11:41 PM, Sophie ♥ said:

I think I just realized that life's a lingerie store, and unless I start picking things up off the racks and buying them, I'm never going to feel content."

So cute!! And kind of deep in an Ellie kind of way!

 

On 3/3/2021 at 11:41 PM, Sophie ♥ said:

I put my hands in Kylie's to give them a squeeze.

"What we have is invincible; I'm here to stay. So we might as well get to explore what else we can have, if we like each other that way, right? I promise, I'm not going anywhere."

I nodded with a half-smile. I wasn't sure I believed her, but I wanted to. Hopefully that would be enough.

 

Sorry... I'm quoting so much of the story!! But it's all so beautiful! Ellie is so excited and Ellie feels it with that half-smile even if the other half of the smile is still a little worried. What a huge step for Kylie! I'm so happy about this! I know there's going to be more and we (I mean I) don't know how well this will develop... just so hopeful.

[Sophie ♥]

16 hours ago, diaperpt said:

Sorry... I'm quoting so much of the story!! 

Never apologize for quoting stuff!  I love seeing what parts people love.  

Okay, new chapter today!  Promise.

[Sophie ♥]

Chapter Seventy-Four

Ellie shouldn't have left the date-planning up to me. It took me a week to figure out what I wanted to do, and then I had to spend the next two days working up to it. So when I finally knocked on Ellie's door, wearing a nice button up blouse and black dress pants, strawberry blonde hair expertly curled, well... she probably wasn't expecting it. Maybe I should have called her first.

"Kylie!" I hadn't expected her, not even to come over, let alone to come over all dressed up and looking frankly gorgeous. I actually bit my lip at how nice she looked and took a step back into the living room to let her in. I was wearing a mint green sundress with white tights, and my hair was up in a little bun. I'd spent most of the day inside today and hadn't been expecting company. "Gosh, you look amazing! When I heard the door, I thought Noland had forgotten his keys again, and here I am looking like a slob.."

"No, no. You look fine." I was supposed to be spending the night at Marnie's, truth be told. But we got to talking about my date stuff and she encouraged me to go tonight. Getting ready took ages. It would probably take Ellie ages, too. Ugh, this was so stupid.

"I thought we could go on our date tonight. I was going to surprise you, but... I mean, I guess I didn't think this through." Ten seconds in and I was already screwing up.

"I love the surprise, this is so flippin' romantic. Gosh. What are your plans? No wait, don't tell me, uh…" I was smiling pretty darn widely. "Um, have a seat? I'll get dressed, I mean, I'll get pretty, you know? You know." I wanted to impress her. I was gonna wear the ivory dress.

I sat down on Ellie's sofa like I had a thousand times before. But this felt different. This felt like that scene in a movie where a guy goes to a girl's house and sits down on the sofa, then the girl's dad walks in and gives the guy a stern talking to about respect and curfews. Ugh, if Ellie's dad showed up, I might literally die. Speaking of...

"Hey, did you tell your parents yet?" We hadn't talked about it for a few days. Ellie hadn't even made the appointment for her hormones. For her whole 'new outlook on life' thing, she was still adjusting.

"Nuhuh, the time's not right yet," I called out from my bedroom, laying out clothing on the bed and then getting to work on my hair. I showered earlier, but I wanted to put it up the way I'd seen online, something elegant. While standing nude in my bedroom, I fussed over my hair. "I'm going to, though!"

"If you don’t want to drive up to Palm Hill alone, I'll go with you." It felt like Ellie wasn't going to take some of these steps without prompting. Even calling the doctor's office was proving too much. I wanted to just make the call for her, but Marnie said I should let Ellie go at her own pace. Ugh, her pace was infuriatingly slow! Says the girl who took a week and a half to plan a date...

"Umm..." I looked in the mirror at my hair and puffed out my cheeks, dissatisfied with the result. "No no, I don't think that's a good place to go for a date," I answered, distractedly. Prim had texted me like four times in the past few minutes too, and I could hear my phone blipping on the bed, but right now I didn't have time for that. I pulled my hair down, and started over. Patience, Ellie, you got this!

"Not for a date. For telling your parents." They had always wanted Ellie and I to get together; maybe the news of us dating would somehow offset their child being a girl. "You gotta tell them sometime."

"I knooooow, but maybe if I take long enough, they'll forget I used to be a boy, and then I can convince them I was always a girl, and then the problem is solved." Primping and preening in front of the mirror, I finally liked what I saw with my hair, and could now begin the process of getting dressed. Then I'd do my makeup. I had some ideas for the ivory dress, what to match it with, what color to do my lips, and all that. I was so excited.

When Ellie came out of the bedroom, she was wearing a gorgeous dress. Like, nicer than anything I'd ever owned. Maybe nicer than most of the things Marnie owned! It was ivory, with beads and lace around the neckline. The skirt puffed out in an unnatural way, like the kind you see on TV. And the rest of her was just as beautiful, with shimmering pink lips and dabs of blush on her cheeks.

"Holy shit..." I whispered, staring at her in awe. Then I had the presence of mind to stand up and walk over to her. I was wearing one-inch heels, so the two of us were about the same height. I hated heels, but I thought it might make her feel better.

"Well, I'm gonna take that as a ringing endorsement. Do you like it? I think I like it." I nodded, smiling as I looked down at myself, fingers running over the lines of the dress. "Miss Kylie, I'm ready for my date now, please and thank you."

"Mmhmm." I paused and tilted my head. "Your hair isn't going to stay up like that; it's not long enough. Look, it's already coming down." I moved a piece of her hair behind her ear. "Come on, I'll fix it."

"Aww, no, really? Gosh I was so excited for it to work, that's blah." Kylie didn't let me whine and gripe though; she took my hand and led me back into my bedroom.

"Give it a few more months," I encouraged, brushing her hair through. "Do you have any bows that match this dress? Or a headband or something?" It would detract from the 'elegance' of the whole thing, but she would look a lot more feminine. For right now, even with Marnie's styling skills, her haircut was androgynous at best.

"I have a few headbands. One of them came with the dress as a free bonus thing, but I wasn't gonna wear it; it's got a bow made out of the same fabric, it's iiiin..." I pointed to the third draw of my vanity.

I found the headband without too much fuss and helped fix Ellie's hair. I gave her a small smile and held her hands. "I'm sorry your hairstyle didn't work. It takes time. In a few months, you're going to be able to do anything you want with it." I'd give her my hair if I could - I didn't give a single fuck. But it seemed to mean a lot to Ellie.

"We'll see! I'll go to all this effort and I bet my hair will be stubborn and fussy about it." I really did appreciate Kylie and the work she put in, though; as far as dating-partners went, I was definitely going to be more work than most.

"You used to have long hair," I reminded her. "It didn't give you any problems when Lysa and Natalie were braiding it." That was a long time ago, almost five years! I wondered how long ago Ellie knew she was a girl, but didn't know what to do about it. "Okay, all done. Let's get going."

I couldn't believe I was going on a date with Kylie. I just couldn't. It was so surreal. Like, 17 levels of surreal. We were leaving my house and we were going down the stairs and we were going to get in her car and I was going on a date with Kylie!

I didn't have any good plans. Dinner and a drive-in movie. But the dinner was at a diner we both liked uptown and the drive-in movie was some cliché romance shit that Ellie had wanted to show me years ago. She had probably forgotten all about it.

"So, this weekend we could go up to see your parents if you want." Casual first date talk: how to tell your parents that you are a different gender now. I should write a book.

"Do I haaaave to?" Spending the time I'd spent being a little girl with Marnie and Kylie had definitely helped me to perfect my Little Girl Whine skills. While I wasn't on the cuteness level of Kylie, I was doing okay with it! But this was a more adult affair, so I tried to take it more seriously.

"Maybe we can. They might take it better if they think I'm dating you; kinda soften the blow maybe."

"I was thinking the same thing," I sighed, turning the wheel to the left and leading the car uptown. "It's gonna suck. But it's like... a bandaid or something. That lingerie store thing you said last week." Then again, this dating thing wasn't so bad. Sometimes the anticipation of something happening is a lot worse than the thing actually happening.

"Oh, you liked that analogy, huh? Occasionally with all the nonsense I babble about, I say something wise or clever." I pulled down the passenger visor and looked in the mirror, turning my head one way and the other. "Do you think people think I'm a boy? I don't think I look like a boy."

"I definitely don't think people think you're a boy," I said with an uncharacteristic amount of certainty. "When I first saw you dressed up - at Marnie's place - I was like... dumbfounded how not-like-a-boy you looked. And now you're like, ten times more girly. And you know, if you'd ever call that doctor Jen gave you, you would look a hundred times more girly." I glared at her out of the corner of my eye.

"I knoooooow! I just... get so busy, and..." I lied, desperately, because I was still the apparent Queen of procrastination, and I knew I had to do it. But it was so easy to not do it. "What if it changes me? Like, what if I become a big crybaby sookie lala?"

"I'm already the stoic one in our relationship, El. We need a crybaby type to balance it out." I flashed her a smile and jumped on the freeway. Ten minutes or so and we'd be there. "Listen. Those pills give you boobs, right? As a lesbian, I can safely say I endorse the 'Ellie getting boobs' campaign."

"Well, if I have official lesbian endorsement, who am I to argue? I'm going to be applying to that club for membership soon, so I should make a good impression, huh?" I was picking up my phone as I spoke and I put it to my ear. This time of evening, the call to the doctors clinic would go to voicemail, but leaving them a voicemail was a good first step.

I was so proud of her, but by the time we got to the diner I was too nervous to say it. I got out of the car a little too slowly, and Ellie got out of the passenger seat. Was I supposed to open her door or something? I'd just open the door to the restaurant... that would count, right? Ugh, I felt queasy.

I could see the nervousness on Kylie's face, I was familiar with her overthinking, a paradoxical juxtaposition alongside her impulsivity. And I did what I do, what I've always done, figuratively. I just did it literally this time: I stood by her side, and I held her hand. And I kissed her on the cheek.

"This isn't about rules, we make the rules. We're us. And nobody's ever been us. So stay out of your head and get lost in my eyes, okay?"

"Yeah... uh huh." I should have made a quip about how sappy she was being, but I didn't have it in me. It was just a date, I reminded myself. It's fine. So I held the door open and let her go in ahead of me.

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[diaperpt]

I think I'm in love! These two are such a perfect match. Maybe not perfect, but close enough! So very cute on their first date; they know each other so well and yet the jitters are flying all over the place.

[YourFNF]

15 hours ago, Sophie ♥ said:

"Kylie!" I hadn't expected her, not even to come over, let alone to come over all dressed up and looking frankly gorgeous. I actually bit my lip at how nice she looked and took a step back into the living room to let her in. I was wearing a mint green sundress with white tights, and my hair was up in a little bun. I'd spent most of the day inside today and hadn't been expecting company.

Elllie is a way fancier girl than I am. The most I've ever worn is a smart skirt from H&M and a blouse at an interview. I can't even imagine myself in like a formal dress....??

[YourFNF]

Also these two are so damn cute!!

[Sophie ♥]

12 hours ago, YourFNF said:

Elllie is a way fancier girl than I am. The most I've ever worn is a smart skirt from H&M and a blouse at an interview. I can't even imagine myself in like a formal dress....??

Sundresses are soooo informal; they are my everyday clothes in the summer.  I get them for like 20 bucks at Old Navy.  Though you and I both know Ellie would never spend so little on clothes. XD

[YourFNF]

11 hours ago, Sophie ♥ said:

Sundresses are soooo informal; they are my everyday clothes in the summer.  I get them for like 20 bucks at Old Navy.  Though you and I both know Ellie would never spend so little on clothes. XD

Ahh I meant more like the number she wore on the date and the tights ??

[Sophie ♥]

On 3/7/2021 at 9:10 AM, YourFNF said:

Ahh I meant more like the number she wore on the date and the tights ??

Oh yeah, I agree. o_o Way too fancy for me!

[Sophie ♥]

Chapter Seventy-Five

I wasn't 100% sure about a date being based around food, but that was the tradition. I'd been doing a lot better about eating recently too, so I kept an open mind. We were overdressed for a diner, and that was okay - I didn't mind people’s eyes on me, because I was dating the prettiest girl in the room.

I wanted a particular table, the one by the window. This diner was the only one open all night, and Ellie and I had come here dozens of times after concerts or parties. We always sat in the same spot, since the place was dead. The evening crowd was a bit more packed, and unsurprisingly diners don't take reservations. Thankfully, luck was on our side.

"Come on, over there." Our booth was one of the last ones free; the waitress was still wiping it down. If Ellie would have done her hair right the first time, we would probably be sitting in the center of the room at one of those awkward tables that were always in the way.

"I'm so worried about spilling things on this dress, you know. That's such a weird thing to be afraid of because I don't think I've ever spilled food on any article of clothing before." Not accidentally at least. Now that we were sitting, I was beginning to feel a bit more self-conscious. Nervous, even.

"I'll ask for a sippy cup for you?" I smirked. Though Ellie's nerves seem to start up, mine were starting to calm down. Sitting here, in our booth... it felt homey. It felt familiar. I could do that.

"Oh, could you? That would be great, maybe a bib, too, one that says 'I'm With Princess' on it?" The humor diffused my anxiety a little bit, but only made me more conscious of my voice. C'mon Ellie, hold it together. Woman up!

The waitress came over and I ordered for the both of us. Rather, I ordered for me, knowing full well that Ellie wouldn't eat anything of her own. But if I got some appetizers, she would pick at them. French fries and fried pickles. Neither were very good for you, but they were easy to get lost in the process of eating.

"We should have waited until Homecoming or something to have this date," I sulked, looking at the other people in the diner. "Then it wouldn't be weird that we're all dressed up." Or I should have picked a better date spot.

"I like being the only ones dressed up - this is my element, remember? I'm the one who owns a vest worth more than your car, remember? This is fine, this is great, you picked a great spot, and have I mentioned how literally beautiful you are?"

I rolled my eyes, but a blush came to my cheeks all the same. Just a bit. Ellie used to compliment me all the time, but I never thought twice about it. Now, it had so much more power. I bit my lip and twirled the straw in my water cup.

"You know, that time Marnie dressed you up? Not the nightgown, but like... when I was at my Mom's place? And she sent me that picture?"

"Uh huh, I remember that," I tilted my head to one side and pulled out the ketchup and mustard bottles, putting them into what I seemed to be the correct orientation and facing, before sliding them back in.

"I got that text when... hm, I think my Mom and my Aunt were fighting over something. I think about dinner. And I was sitting on the sofa trying to think of anything else. And Marnie sends me this message, right? And I knew to expect some pics because she told me she was going to send them. But I got it and it was like..." I paused, but not for dramatic effect. I couldn't find the words. "I couldn't stop staring at that picture. For hours, I'd just casually pick up my phone to look at it again. And I didn't know why, but I was so... in love with it."

"You were in love with a picture of me?" I had a happy little smile on my face, not mocking, not teasing, not making light of her confession - genuinely happy. "What made you so smitten, Smylie?"

"Do not call me that." I pointed the straw at her and almost flicked water on her dress. "I can come up with way worse ones for you." Ellie put up her hands in surrender and I put the straw back in my drink. What was she saying?

"I don't know. I just couldn't stop looking at it. Like, you're you. And then I see this totally different thing, but it's still the same thing. And I feel sort of stupid for not seeing it before? Like that picture of a duck or a rabbit or something?" I shrugged my shoulders. "Anyway, I stared at it so long that I forgot to reply to you. So I lied and said I got in trouble for texting at dinner."

"I think it's so cute that you lied about it." Which was probably a weird thing to find cute. "It's like um... Rubin's Vase. You either see the faces, or you see the Vase, and when someone points out the other to you, you're there like 'what...' right? Yeah, listen, I felt the same way when I saw myself." Well, correction. "I mean, after that first time when I had a panic attack and sobbed in Marnie’s arms like a baby."

"I didn't know that happened," I said with a touch of surprise. "That night when I was in Palm Hill?"

She nodded.

"Huh. I wish I was there to help." But at that point, I probably would have made it worse. I would have made it about me. I bit my lip and twirled my straw some more. "Hey, do you think I'm selfish...?"

"Not for a second. I think that being in control of a situation makes it feel safer to you though, and you sometimes convince yourself that needing things a certain way for your mental health makes you selfish. Which is silly, but we don't choose our own mental responses to things, we just work with what we got." It was a surprisingly astute answer from a taciturn like me.

"Yeah, maybe." I leaned forward on the table just as our plates arrived. A cheeseburger for me, and a side of fries. Fried pickles for the table. I pushed my french fries to the center alongside them. "Acting like I care seems so... risky. Like someone knows what matters, and then they can use it against you, you know? I sort of assume the people that matter know that I care. But sometimes I have to show it too, maybe just to remind them..." Too much introspection. I took a bite of my burger to give credence to the silence.

"You've been doing a lot better since you met Marnie. Or at least in the time I've known about Marnie, I guess? I think you worked really hard on letting me in, and I'm real proud of you for that. I like being let in. Makes me feel like I'm part of an exclusive club." I took a bite of one single french fry, thoughtfully.

"Well, I'm glad you're here with me," I said with a smile. "You'll always be my first choice."

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[YourFNF]

I'm really loving the level of care and attention these two show to each other. Like how Kylie handles Ellie's eating disorder. Good stuff ?I think this may be my favorite of your stories.

[diaperpt]

It feels like they've each helped each other to be better... well, except for the eating part and as FNF said, Kylie deals with it well and unobtrusively. They are just so cute together! I can't stand it, I love it so much.

[Sophie ♥]

Chapter Seventy-Six

Food necessitated some quiet time. We said a few cute things between bites, and then we talked about how fast a boat would have to go to pull an elephant on normal water skis. And finally, I paid the tab and led Ellie back out to the car. This time I opened her door for her!

When I sat down in the passenger seat and looked up at her, all I could feel in that moment was... struck. The stars in the sky behind her head, the way she looked at me with admiration, adoration, and a little bit of hunger, and the serenity of the moment.

"You're beautiful, Kylie." Her cheeks blushed and she rolled her eyes, closing the passenger door.

Jeeze, she had to stop saying that! I climbed into the driver's side and turned on the car, checking my car clock as I did. Half an hour until the movie, and it was only ten minutes away. Record time. I pulled out of the parking lot and headed south down the street.

"One more stop. Then we can head back to my place. Or yours? Hm, I didn't think that part through..."

"Either is fine! Noland is out for the night with Jen, so we can go to my place or to your place." Wow. We were on a date. We actually had to decide on that kinda stuff, and the context, and what it all implied. How exciting!

"Well, I dunno. Whatever makes you more comfortable, I guess? That's probably your place..." My place. Her place. This felt like sex talk! I didn't even know how to have sex with a girl. It probably wasn't 'lay on your back and let someone else do whatever they wanted'. That was really all I was good at. Goddammit...

"Well, how about we stop at your place, see if it feels comfortable, and if you wanna go to my place instead we can go to my place?" Every word she said made it sounds like this was a pained topic of conversation, whereas my tones were carefree and happy, breezy easy. Maybe I just needed to decide for us?

"Yeah, that's probably fine..." I wondered if I cleaned my room. Yeah, but my bed wasn't made. I was in Ellie's room like an hour ago and her bed wasn't made either. Who even made their beds these days?

I pulled into the drive-in parking lot and paid through the window at a ticket booth. Drive-ins were such a cliché date spot, and it didn't even occur to me why that might be. Privacy. Quiet. Darkness. I pulled into a lot in the center and put the car in park. My stomach was in knots.

I kissed her. I was tired of waiting, tired of thinking about when and how it had to be perfect and how we were supposed to do things. I put one hand on her cheek, and I put my lips to her lips, and I just let that kiss take the path it wanted to take.

The kiss was nice. Gentle. Soft. Like the one we shared in my bed at Marnie's place. I loved it. But at the second kiss, I wondered where I should put my hands. Then I wondered what she wanted. Did she even want me to touch her? Did I want her to touch me? Was this public? We were in a car, sure, but the sun was only just setting and anyone could walk by. We were two girls - was that something? Would some homophobe knock on the glass and shout at us? What about the movie? Were we supposed to watch it or kiss all the way through it? Romance movies didn't prepare me for this.

And when we got back to my place, what was I supposed to do? How was I supposed to show her that I liked her without putting out? Or was that the norm? Was that what I was supposed to do? Ellie paused and rubbed her thumb across my cheek. It felt wet. Was I crying? No, I wasn't crying on our first fucking date! Fuck me. I shook my head side to side and tried to kiss her again, but Ellie stopped me.

"You're thinking too much. Your anxiety is really high, and you're trying to think of a way to take control of the situation." My words were soft, gentle, level and calm. I wasn't asking her questions, I was describing what I saw. "Put one hand on my hip. Put the other wherever you want, play with my hair, touch my cheek, fondle my chest, anything you like. I promise, you can't do this wrong, which means every answer is right. Okay? Do you need a moment?"

I nodded my head. I needed a moment. I need like, a year. Or a decade or something. I sat back in my chair and felt sick to my stomach. Not like butterflies. Like snakes, slithering inside me. I thought I was going to throw up. My head was ringing and my heart was pounding and my chest was aching. I closed my eyes tight. I needed this to stop. I needed Marnie. But I couldn't bring Marnie on all my dates. I needed to... to stop it. To figure it out myself. How did she do this...?

"How can I help?" Admittedly, putting it on her to give me an answer was probably not helpful, but it was my go-to. So I tried another tactic. "Hey, do you think that pink fairy floss and blue fairy floss taste different? There's a guy over by the concessions doing fresh spun cotton candy, but I always wondered if they actually taste different. I feel like they should taste different... do you want to come for a walk and we'll find out?"

I shook my head. A walk. Cotton candy. Ellie's stupid fucking word for it. She was so silly. But leaving this car, going out into the world... I would die. I'd burst into flames or I'd have a heart attack or I'd get hit by a meteor just to spite me. Just to fuck up this date even more. Fuck, why was I so scared? Why couldn't I stop?

"Mm, maybe you're right, they probably taste the same anyway. Or maybe they just taste the same to grown-ups. Maybe when you become an adult all food just tastes boring. I think maybe because you're an official Little Princess though, maybe... maybe, you'd have a taste for that kinda thing. It seems to be your expertise, you know? Fairies, fairy floss, princess kingdoms, that kinda thing..." I didn't know if the distraction was helping.

I felt a touch of heat on my cheeks. Was she teasing me? Seriously? Right now? But her stupid idea seemed to grab a hold of my mind somewhere. Did they taste different? Would Littlespace affect that? Of course not. Right? I shook my head and opened my eyes, looking over at her with a mixture of exhaustion and annoyance. I was breathing all too heavy.

"You're a ditz."

"I mean, I'm the baby sister, it's your job to think I'm a ditz, and it's my job to look up to you. And I think for the sake of science in our kingdom, it's up to us to taste test pink and blue. And yellow, or orange, or green, or any other flavors they have. If we don't, who will?"

"I don't think they make green cotton candy," I managed between labored breaths, closing my eyes again. I'd seen pink and blue. For some reason, I could imagine yellow. Maybe I was thinking of ice cream.

"I mean, why not? And if it does taste different, is it lime, or green apple? You know in some countries, green and purple skittles are different flavors, too?" Prim had told me that one, but mentioning another girl right now seemed silly. "So maybe fairy floss is like that too, who knows?" I reached my hand out to hold hers while I was talking, wondering if maybe the touch would be helpful.

"No way..." What would be the point of that? That's just more money they have to funnel into production. Or maybe Skittles aren't as expensive to produce as I thought. Ellie grabbed my hand and I held it tight in mine. The sickness was starting to ebb away, but I was still struggling to breathe. I just wanted it all to go away now.

"Yeah way, they're blackcurrant for the purple ones in some countries, but that sounds made up to me. The fruit, I mean, not the fact. But I guess if the fruit is made up, so's the fact? And oh my days, they are so cute." I lifted my hand up, still holding hers, and gestured to the two high-school age girls who walked past the front of our car, hand locked in hand, leaning into each other and laughing.

They could do it right. They could date and be in cute gay relationships. They didn't have to wait until their young-adulthood when a stranger put them in diapers and made them confront their childhood traumas. I was jealous. I was irritated. I was angry. I was scared. But Ellie's lips touched my hand and pulled me over so my head fell on her shoulder. With her, it didn't feel so bad.

"I feel broken," I muttered, trying not to sound so fucking pathetic. Can't I just do one thing right? Can't that one thing be this date?

"You're not broken; you're lost. And I'm going to be the lighthouse to guide you back, because I care a whole bunch of lots about you, Kylie. You mean the literal world to me."

Broken. Lost. It felt the same, didn't it? But I felt something else too: Ellie's fingers in my hair. She played softly with the loose curls and made soft sounds. Cooing, like you do when someone is crying. I wasn't even crying, but I found them comforting. If I had to be broken, I was glad all my pieces were in one place. I was glad that place was in Ellie's arms.

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[diaperpt]

It's sad that Kylie's anxiety is kicking in. I think it would be Ellie who wouldn't be confident, but she's doing well even at helping to lower Kylie's anxiety level. 

It feels a bit strange and also not so strange, but there were a couple references in this chapter that hit close to home for me, both in my own anxiety and in what intellectually I know to be true that should alleviate my anxieties. All that to say I really appreciate the realism of their emotions.

[YourFNF]

I definitely relate to the feeling like you missed out or I behind on things. Didn't have my first intimate relationship till I was like 24 and it was long distance and have only had 1 or 2 others. It sucks and can really make you feel inadequate that what seems to happen effortlessly for normal people is such a problem for you.

[Sophie ♥]

Chapter Seventy-Seven

The movie wasn't that great. Ellie thought it was, and she kept talking through it, telling me which actors did what and why they filmed the scenes a certain way. Usually her banter would annoy me, but today it was a welcome distraction. Movies always struggled to hold my attention, and I would have spent the two hours worrying about kissy stuff. At least when she was talking, I had to think about something else.

"Romance movies are so trashy," I scoffed, pulling out of our parking space. I struggled with the traffic on the way to the only exit. "They act like love is this serendipitous shit that falls into place and suddenly everything is perfect. And that encourages kids to wait for the perfect moment instead of like... making their own moments." That was a little ironic, coming from me.

"Well, that's true, but I don't see why the two are mutually exclusive, either. You make your own moments either way, and if you keep your eyes closed to them then you wind up as a boy in your twenties wearing panties and wondering why life isn’t more flavorful than the gum you had for lunch." She rolled her eyes at me, but that didn't stop me from continuing. "I think part of keeping your eyes open to possibilities is that you sometimes stumble on the seeds of potential that life puts down; like the moment is there waiting to be made, but you still have to make it."

"But they don't make romance movies about that." I pulled onto the main street and headed south, toward our apartments. Ah, yes, our apartments...

"We decided on my place?" I asked with a touch of nervousness in my voice. I wanted to do the kissy date stuff! I wasn't letting my anxiety run my goddamn life.

"Let's start there, and if we want to go to my place instead we can." It's not like anything untoward was going to take place, either way.

My apartment looked daunting, like it was Halloween night or something. I expected lightning to crackle through the night sky as we made our way from the car to the building. Ugh, why did this have to feel weird? I let Ellie inside and closed the door behind me. It sure didn't look that romantic. It just looked like... my place. Maybe we should have gone to a hotel.

"I was worried there'd be like rose petals everywhere or something grandiose like that," I sighed, relieved. "Nope. It's Kylie's apartment, and it feels like home."

After that romance flick with the flower petals and stuff, I was actually a little self conscious. If Ellie liked that movie, then did that mean she wanted me to do all that stuff too? But it seemed I was wrong. I smiled a bit.

"Okay, I'm going to take you to my room," I said as confidently as I could. "I'm going to kiss you a lot. And my hands are probably going to just... do whatever they want. So tell me to stop if you want me to stop. Cool?"

"Yes ma'am, I would like that very very much." Maybe I'd died. Like. A few weeks ago, I died, and this was my afterlife. The being a girl part was unexpected, but the rest was pretty good.

I took Ellie by the hand and led her to my room. It wasn't clean, but it was tidy. Things were put away. Diapers were thrown out. It smelled faintly like vanilla, because I had a candle going that morning. Not bad. I sat down on the edge of my bed and pulled her down with me. Then I cradled her cheeks in my hands and kissed her lips.

It was almost weird to be kissed by her outside of the context of being dressed like a little girl in a diaper. Almost. At the same time, it was about the most natural feeling thing I'd ever felt, like her lips belonged on mine, like her hands belonged on my cheeks. Like I belonged with her.

I crawled back into my bed and took her with me. The two of us. Alone. In my bed. It wasn't the first time, but this was the first time we were making out. Making out... that phrase didn't even register in my head. Wasn't there something more grown up to call it? 'Making out' sounded like we were bandits or something, stealing each other away in the night. Actually, that was kind of sexy.

I let my hands lift off her cheeks, trailing my fingers down her neck, and toward her hips. My heart raced and it was a little harder to breathe. But I wasn't having a panic attack. This felt a lot nicer.

Everything I did felt a little bit clouded through the lens of 'how would a girl act?’, a low simmering worry but one that didn't seem at all in danger of boiling over. This was just... nice. Warm. I felt something, something out of left field; a feeling almost completely new to me. Desired. I bit my lip between kisses and smiled at her.

"What?" I paused a moment to catch my breath. She was smiling. "Am I tickling you?" I quickly moved my hand off her hip. Caution wasn't something I was very good at, and neither was sex. So this was uncharted waters.

"Not at all," I put my hand on hers and I guided it back to my hip. For a moment, that worry about her recoiling sparked a memory - the night we were getting changed by Marnie together, when she saw me below the belt and recoiled - but as quick as it came, it faded. "You're doing amazing."

"Kay." I leaned in and kissed her again. My palm slid along her dress, down her hip, to her thigh. I felt the hem, her bare skin, and moved my hand away. I was doing more thinking than feeling. Was that how everyone's first dates went?

I could feel my breath hitch just a little bit, and I closed my eyes for a moment, only to open them when she moved her hand away. I grinned playfully, cheekily, and took her hand and put it back exactly where it had been.

"Get out of your head, there's a cute girl in your bed."

"Yeah. I know, I know." I took a deep breath - or as deep as I was capable of at the time - and forced a smile. Out of my head. Kiss. Kiss. Feel. Let her take me somewhere new. Somewhere nice. With a soft exhale and her lips on my lips, I sunk into my sheets a little bit and started to relax.

I got a little bolder. I didn't know why. Maybe I wanted to lead by example, to show her things were okay. To have her feel desired. As she leaned her neck around to kiss mine, I used her momentum to slide myself out from under her, and around until I was straddling her lap. And then it was me who kissed her neck.

Oh. Okay. I mean. Oh... I felt a heat on my cheeks and a small gasp escape my lips. Her kisses trailed down to my collar bone, where my button-up got in the way. My hands rested squarely on her hips and I struggled to catch my breath.

I didn't know squat about what I was doing, but it felt nice and she seemed to be enjoying herself too. What else really mattered? One of my kisses caught her by surprise, maybe in a spot that was ticklish, and she fell back, propping herself up with her arms behind her. I liked this. I kept kissing.

Another kiss on my neck. Another under my ear. Another on my lips. My elbow slipped and I fell backwards onto the bed, laying firmly on my back. I looked up at her with red cheeks. Fuck, she was sexy...

My knees touched the bedspread as I adjusted my balance, my dress falling gently over her tummy as I gazed down upon her. This beautiful girl that I'd pined after for so long.

"I think I'm gonna kiss you more."

"If you insist."

I stuck out my tongue, but Ellie was quick to shut me up. Her lips rained down on me like a summer storm and I sunk further and further into the sheets like they were beds of flowers. My fingers slid along her hips, to her thighs, to the hem of her dress. I pulled it up, running my palms along her bare skin. She was so soft. So cute. So... mine.

I could safely say that that was my first time having someone put their hands up my dress while I pinned them softly to the bed in a torrent of kisses. I hoped it wasn't going to be my last time, either. I felt like I had goosebumps all over - like my skin was crackling with static electricity - and as her hand slid further up my thigh I gasped and almost lost purchase atop of her.

I felt her shiver on top of me and I used the moment to my advantage. I leaned up on my elbow and pressed my lips to hers. My free hand reached around, beneath her dress, and cupped her ass. Her panties were soft. I wondered what they looked like. I wondered if I could undress her. I wanted to...

Well, I didn't expect that! I mean, I did - deep down I was sure that I did - but I squeaked and blushed all the same. I knew I had a nice ass; I spent a LOT of time over the years examining my profile in tight pants in the mirror.

"Ohh, sorry, mmm... this bed has a strict policy; if you squeeze it, you own it, so you gotta keep it."

"Deal." I laughed and kissed her again, pulling her close to me so our chests touched. Her knees sat on either side of my hips and it felt so warm. Warm, but in a good way. Warm like a fireplace on a winter's night. I kissed her neck and squeezed her ass again.

I ran one hand from her cheek, down her neck, down over her shoulder to her hip, and I let those fingers trail up her button up top, tracing over each button.

She undid the top button. Then the one below it. Okay, so clothes were coming off! Good, because I wanted this girl out of her dress so fucking bad. I smiled excitedly as she undressed me, as the shirt slipped off my shoulders, revealing the first bra I bought from Caroline's store. I was wearing the matching panties too! It's amazing how confident clothes can make a person. Maybe Ellie was right the whole time.

"Now there is a well-dressed girl," I admired, smiling in recognition. I'd gotten her into this underwear; now I was going to be the one blessed with getting her out of them. "You are breathtaking."

I rolled my eyes and reached under Ellie's dress, grabbing at the hem. With a swift motion, I pulled it up over her head, but it wouldn't come off. Ellie fumbled a bit and pushed it back down. I blinked in confusion.

"Sorry..." Why was I sorry? Did I do something wrong? Jeeze, she looked uncomfortable...

"No no, no no, don't be sorry, don't worry, you're fine, it's fine." Wow. I did not expect to be so resistant to that. I did not anticipate feeling so uncomfortable with her seeing me undressed. Why? I had on the cutest panties that I owned! Because I had a penis? Jesus, I didn't care about that. So why? I took her hand and put it on the front of my chest, over the dress, smiling in faux confidence.

"You know, I called the doctor tonight, remember? I'm gonna have boobs for you to touch and admire soon~" I was blushing. Or was I flustered?

I nodded, pressing my hands against her top. The bra gave her a bit of padding and it definitely felt like boobs. But there was something else. She seemed off, and I could feel it.

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[diaperpt]

I loved this chapter... I do seem to be loving each chapter, but this one drew me in as each of them tried to find their own comfort zone; looking for more but a bit insecure about how to find the comfort yet get what they each wanted.

And then...

13 hours ago, Sophie ♥ said:

"Sorry..." Why was I sorry? Did I do something wrong? Jeeze, she looked uncomfortable...

"No no, no no, don't be sorry, don't worry, you're fine, it's fine." Wow. I did not expect to be so resistant to that. I did not anticipate feeling so uncomfortable with her seeing me undressed. Why? I had on the cutest panties that I owned! Because I had a penis? Jesus, I didn't care about that. So why? I took her hand and put it on the front of my chest, over the dress, smiling in faux confidence.

"You know, I called the doctor tonight, remember? I'm gonna have boobs for you to touch and admire soon~" I was blushing. Or was I flustered?

I nodded, pressing my hands against her top. The bra gave her a bit of padding and it definitely felt like boobs. But there was something else. She seemed off, and I could feel it.

If I had to guess, I might think it's some dysphoria creeping in, but my guesses are usually a mile or ten off. I'd best keep my patience, reread a chapter or so and wait to find out what is bothering Ellie. After all, I think I want her out of that dress too!

 

[YourFNF]

*gay subby squirming*

[Sophie ♥]

Chapter Seventy-Eight

"Is something wrong? Did I do something wrong?"

"No, no-no-no, I'm just..." It was easier to put this on myself than to risk making her feel guilty, so I took the fall. "I'm... you know, different. I'm not like other girls." Which she obviously knew. But maybe if I put it like that, and gestured down with my eyes, she'd understand what I was trying to say.

Of course she wasn't. She was Ellie. She was my best friend. I didn't even date other girls! But with a few awkward glances and motions with her hands to her body, I sort of got the implication.

"Oh." Uhhhh... hm. "Well, I don't mind?" Yeah, like that helped. It wasn't about me. It was about her. Hm... "Tell me how you feel?"

"Like Cinderella. Like if you lift the veil, I'll turn into a pumpkin." Like you'll see me differently when you see me undressed. I should have said it. I should have just been honest about it.

"Oh." Hm. I had only seen her naked a few times, at Marnie's place. How we had gone our entire childhood together without seeing each other naked was unexplainable. Probably because we met around those puberty times, and neither of us were very comfortable with our bodies. For different reasons it seemed. But seeing her naked at Marnie's sure was weird...

"I guess I see what you mean," I sighed, leaning back on my arms.

"It's funny because I never had any issue with you seeing me in just a diaper," I smiled, trying to make her smile in the process. "Don't worry about me. I wanna kiss you bunches now, and you can grope my bubbly butt, okay?"

"No way, I want to undress you!" I puffed out my cheeks in annoyance. "Like, okay. There are things about my body I don't like, but you find sexy. Right? It's the same thing."

"It's really not," I said sourly.

I pouted. She was right; it wasn't the same thing. Ugh, this wasn't fair!

"We can build up to it?" I suggested. "Desensitization or whatever, right? What if you kept your panties on? It's not like we're having sex."

"I'm wearing really cute panties..." I conceded, and scrunched up my nose in thought, before finally nodding my head. Fine. Okay. What was the worst that could happen? And my panties were peach colored french-cut boy-shorts, covered in frilly lace; maybe she'd just be so awestruck by them that she wouldn't freak out.

No more blouse, no more dress! Just Ellie in her underwear and me in my bra and pants. And, yeah, she didn't look like a girl in a magazine. There was definitely a bit more to the front of her panties than one might expect. But so what? She was still Ellie, and that's all that mattered to me. So I kissed her again and ran my hands along her bare back.

No freak out? No freak out. Alright, this was good! This was fine, this was a start. I mean, I was worried about the logistics of her getting me too aroused, but that was a problem for five-minutes-from-now.

Kissing. Rolling. Me on her. More kissing. Touching. Squeezing her bra, like it was a bare breast. I felt hot. Really hot. I kissed down her neck, down her chest, down her stomach.

It was like a proximity alert going off in my head: danger, danger, danger. My thighs felt warm, her kisses felt warm, of course my body was going to respond in the way that it was biologically predisposed. How did other transgirls deal with this?! I ran fingers through her hair and squeezed tightly.

She tugged on my hair and I sat up with an ounce of irritation, looking sharply at her. Then she fumbled for the blanket on my bed and pulled it between us. The gameshow music played in my head for five whole seconds until it clicked. Oh. Oh! My cheeks went crimson.

"R-right... sorry..."

"It's okay, I um... I just didn't... you know, the logistics of um... yeah." I was as red as a tomato. Redder, maybe. "Sorry, I didn't mean to um... ruin the mood."

Jeeze, this trans thing was harder than I thought. I climbed off Ellie and sat beside her, crossing my legs.

"Let's just be honest and open here, alright? It's a little weird. Like, I have never been with a girl, but I've imagined it enough times. And this part is different. But also a lot of things about my fantasies are different. For one, you're my best friend; not that actress in that super hero movie I like." Was I making things better or worse?

Let's be honest and open here? My first instinct was always to be the martyr, to be the taciturn, to take the blame and shoulder the responsibility. But I liked Kylie a lot. I probably loved her. And she asked for honesty, and if I couldn't trust her with my honesty, we wouldn't get very far. Deep breath. Sigh.

"You really got uncomfortable when you saw me naked. When Marnie put me in a diaper, remember? Like the whole me being a girl was an illusion - which, admittedly, in that context it was - that was broken the moment you saw between my legs. And that was okay, but I'm not an illusion anymore, and I'm worried about that happening."

I nodded. Okay, valid fear.

"Listen, I'm... I'm not that smart, okay? I thought because my dad left me, everyone would. And I thought because one boy didn't love me, no one could. And I thought guys had penises and girls had vaginas and adults couldn't wear diapers or dress in baby clothes. So I'm a really shitty baseline." But I was her baseline, wasn't I? I was the one she needed to convince. I took a deep breath and nodded my head.

"I grew up my whole life thinking one thing, and that's the thing that pops in my head first. But just because it comes first doesn't mean that's what I believe. I know better, okay? You aren't an illusion."

I took a deep breath, and nodded my head. I didn't mean for my eyes to be glassy and misty, but it was hard not to get overwhelmed.

"Maybe we could... sit on the sofa, watch some TV... I could stay in just my panties and bra, um... no blanket? And maybe... like you said, um...build up to it?" She was trying. It was so sweet, and I didn't wanna ruin this. I just... I needed a few minutes. To normalize. "And we could maybe kiss some more?"

"Sure, I guess." TV was so not what I wanted to do right now! Ugh. But this was about her, right? Which got me thinking.

"Hey... how do you feel about all this? Like, are you just worried about me? Because seriously - I'm fine." Even if it was weird to see her naked at first, that didn't change the facts: Ellie was a girl.

"Right now, I worry about if I'm sneezing in a way that is quote-unquote girly. I worry about coughing, or... or walking, or sitting. Yeah I'm worried about how you're going to see me, about it changing, breaking all illusions, all that. But I'm also worried about...presenting? Or like. Mm. I'm worried about breaking my own illusion?"

"Oh." Hm. That made sense. I tapped my cheek thoughtfully and tilted my head. So this wasn't so much about what I thought, and more about what she thought. It was new.

I remembered when I first got into Littlespace with Marnie. I felt like I was making it up, or playing pretend. That it wasn't real. But I got over that. Maybe Ellie just needed to take things a little slower. Did that mean waiting to do sexy stuff? Ugh, this sucked.

"Hey, this might be kind of stupid but..." Actually, I knew for a fact it was stupid! "You are self-conscious about me seeing you in panties, right? But you said you didn't have issues when I saw you in a diaper?"

"That's true. Getting diapered in front of you freaked me out, but actually being in a diaper? That's fine. Diapers are cute anyway." I clearly wasn't following her train of thought though.

"Why? What's the difference? I mean, it's just underwear." If anything, it was way more humiliating! How could she be fine in a diaper, but she hated being seen in her sexy-ass panties?

"I don't know. I think it's like. It's unifying. You in a diaper, me in a diaper, there's no way to tell there's anything different between us. I like that." I nodded.

I opened my mouth to say something, but the words hadn't quite formulated. So I closed my mouth. Unifying? Because of the padding, right? Because panties were thin and sort of shapely, but diapers were all puffy and stuff? So what was really the difference between a penis or a vagina? Probably nothing, at least not visually.

"Uh, Ky?"

"So you're saying..." I paused to tie together the stray thoughts, like the final ten pieces of a puzzle that are always easy to slot into place. "If you're in a diaper, we can keep doing sexy stuff?"

I mean. I wasn't saying that, but I guess the logic could be followed in that direction. "I think so, probably, yeah. But won't that ruin it being like an innocent little thing for you?"

"Hey, whatever makes you happy babygirl." I crawled off the bed and hurried over to my closet, a spring in my step. Sure, diapers weren't like... sexy. But Ellie would be comfortable, and that was sexy! I could kiss her and squeeze her and touch her and not have to worry about screwing up! And given my propensity for doing just that, I'd take all the precautions afforded to me.

I sat on the edge of the bed, the blanket pulled over my lap, as I watched her with her giddy motions, her happy steps. In a diaper, she wouldn't even be able to tell I had a penis, right? So no risk. I liked that. I didn't know how we'd do anything much more than kissing, but this was fine!

I hoped so, anyway.

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[diaperpt]

I'm tired of saying "I loved this chapter!" So instead, I'll say how well I think you portrayed the awkward and self-conscious feelings Ellie has had. Haven't I been there!

3 hours ago, Sophie ♥ said:

"Right now, I worry about if I'm sneezing in a way that is quote-unquote girly. I worry about coughing, or... or walking, or sitting. Yeah I'm worried about how you're going to see me, about it changing, breaking all illusions, all that. But I'm also worried about...presenting? Or like. Mm. I'm worried about breaking my own illusion?"

Kylie is picking up on this really well and is being so supportive! ...and now! Aren't diapers just the answer to everything?