Velvet - A Calibeen Story (Complete!)

[Wannatripbaby]

Another great chapter. Things are certainly getting interesting with this Kiera girl.

Also I wonder if he really wanted to be a girl or if that was just part of his re-conditioning? After all, it seems a little strange that he can't even remember his own rral name, but can remember this "repressed" details about himself.

[Sophie ♥]

10 hours ago, Wannatripbaby said:

Also I wonder if he really wanted to be a girl or if that was just part of his re-conditioning? After all, it seems a little strange that he can't even remember his own rral name, but can remember this "repressed" details about himself.

Yes, very strange indeed.

[Sophie ♥]

50.) Her Argument

"Can I see you in my office, Velvet?" There used to be a sense of uncertainty in my voice, a kind of hesitation in the words I said, as though every single statement was on trial for some imaginary crime. Not so anymore, not so in the slightest. This was my program, these were my girls, and I sounded every bit the mother hen that I'd grown into. "Come along, Velvet, there'll be time to play later okay?"

I followed Colette into her office with an ounce of irritation.  Earlier, I'd wet myself without even knowing about it, and I was sure she had something to do with it.  She closed the office door behind us and I sat on her sofa with my arms crossed.

"You hypnotized me to wet myself," I said flatly. "That's so... mean!"

Colette tilted her head to the side in confusion and looked down at my diaper.  I felt a blush warm my cheeks.

"You were in Phase Zero for a long time, Velvet.  Your bladder control dwindled.  But we are going to build it back up together."

I looked at her with a touch of uncertainty, but honestly... that made way more sense.  Suddenly, I felt a little foolish.

"Oh..."

"Never mistake for mental what can otherwise be attributed to the physical, you ought to know that." And while not a universal truth, it was one that made sense to the girls here in this wing. "I'd like to talk to you about your thoughts, Velvet. You've met with some of the others, you've spent some time with Keira. I'd like to know what you think.”

"Keira is... weird." I kicked my feet and looked down at my bare toes. "She sounds like the ideal patient.  So what is it you need help with?  Why am I her Second?"

Colette forced a smile and leaned back on her desk.

"I assigned you to Keira not to teach her something, but to learn from her."

I blinked in surprise and then my face filled with frustration. "You said I could be a Second!  You said you were giving me a chance!"

"I am giving you a chance, Velvet. I want you to become a Second, I want you to learn what I can't teach you, what you can only learn from your peers."

I was confused.  I hated being confused!  And since Phase Zero, I wasn't that good at hiding it, either.  I pouted and crossed my arms, kicking my feet a little.  Colette approached me and played with my hair.

"Let me help you with your potty problems, okay?"

"You mean hypnotize me," I sulked. "No way..."

"I've been around inside that head of yours before, you know? I've been inside there, I've seen who you are, I've seen what you're scared of. So you might as well let me in to see if I can help, Velvet. You're going to stay fixed in place if you keep fighting everything that happens here."

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I muttered, looking away.  But I knew what she meant.  All those books, all those stories of me... the old me.  Wanting to be a girl.  I wanted this, didn't I?  Hadn't I always?  And why wouldn't I; girls were better.  Cuter.  Innocent.  Kind.  Gentle.  Serene.  Loving.  And it didn't change how I felt about Roger or other guys - if anything, it made more sense...

"You've been fighting for so long. You've been digging your heels in because you want to do things on your own terms. You want to be the best you that you can be, and that means coming to that conclusion on your own. The way that Keira did, perhaps?"

I sunk into the sofa and avoided eye contact with Colette.  I couldn't have this conversation with her!  Or with anyone.  It... it was too painful.  Too serious.  I'd kept myself guarded for so long.  Locks and walls and barriers.  And now, I felt so... defenseless.

Instead of standing over her, I put myself alongside her, I sat down next to her on the sofa in my office and I put my arm around her shoulders. My voice was quiet, calm, maternal, honest.

"The only question standing in your way of finding yourself, my darling Velvet, is this: do you think we do good work here?"

"You mean turning grown men into baby girls?  No, that's awful!" But some of Keira's words weighted heavily on my mind.  A new story.  Starting over.  It didn't have to be hard.  It could be... freeing.  I shook my head.

"Awful does sound like a word you might use, but would it be more or less awful to rehabilitate our patients any other way? You say babies, but you and I both know that we're giving socialization opportunities to ensure proper and healthy integration back into society. Could you imagine if we didn't?"

"You're acting like I'm an idiot," I said flatly.  Colette usually was smart enough to treat me different to her other patients. "This place isn't necessary - it's... egotistical.  Like Marlow..." Even the name made me sick to my stomach. "These people don't want this.  I didn't want this!" Past tense.  I let that slip on accident.

Didn't, huh? I hid the smile.

"Prisoners don't want to go to prison either, but breaking the laws of society has to incur repercussions. And you're much too clever to forget that the criminal justice system as it stands is an awful set of systemic oppression that creates reoffenders. We create second chances, you know this."

"By effectively killing who we were," I said sharply.

"And letting you become a new person," Colette finished, which brought a flash of shock to my face.  New people.  I looked away and kicked my feet...

"...what did you bring me in here for, anyway?"

"You're very clever, Velvet. How about you tell me why I brought you in here? I'm certain that you can figure it out."

Until the very end, Velvet was going to be a vain girl when it came to her intellect.

"Because..." Because the last time I was in here, we talked about Keira.  About my review.  And now I was in here again, after I spent the day with Keira.  She was assessing me? "Because you want to know how much progress I'm making." Which meant... "Which means you are trying to see if I'm a Phase One or Phase Two or... or any of the other ones."

Suddenly, my arguing seemed inadvisable.  I didn't want to go back to being the bottom of the totem pole.  Phase One.  Milk every day.  Diapers all the time.  I bit my lip nervously.

"Your honesty matters so much more than your answers themselves, Velvet. You can cheat by telling me mistruths, but you'll only be cheating yourself. You're a good girl, though, and I have a feeling you're going to work with me on this."

Our dynamic had changed so much, but that was the requirement of what she'd done.

"I don't want to be a Phase One person," I said nervously. "I want to get out of this place.  I should be leaving with Bree and Lemon; I shouldn't be a First." The way I looked at Colette, it was almost... almost like I was scared.

"And why shouldn't you be a First? Do you think, in comparison to Keira, that you're further along in your development? Are you certain that you're able to go into the world and present as a woman?"

"Keira doesn't even want to be a woman - she wants to be like... a baby." "She's playing the part.  Going through the motions.  Motions you are resisting." "Because they're stupid!" I balled my hands into fists and slammed them down on the sofa like a child.

"Motions that could teach you how to be your best self, motions that will lead you down the path of success and not headfirst into the ruinous direction you seem intent to pursue, Velvet." A temper tantrum certainly was not helping her case, that was for sure!

"I can make my own decisions!"

"If that were true, you'd still be a boy."

Oh, that hurt.  Deep down, a part of me rattled and rippled and it shivered through my whole body.  I felt a sharp ache in my chest, through my stomach, and into my throat.  And I... I thought, for a moment, I was going to cry.  I turned away from Colette and crossed my arms.  I wouldn't fall into her stupid trap... I wouldn't...

"You're on an incontrollable journey right now, Velvet, and you've dug your heels in every single step on the way, and where has it gotten you? Has it helped, even once? Have you considered for just a second, my bratty little princess," I liked those words, I hoped she would too, "that the way out is through?"

I looked over at Colette with overflowing emotions.  Contempt.  And just beneath that, a massive sadness.  Tears filled my eyes and I shook my head, holding them back. "I'm not a girl, an' I dun wanna start over!" But as I said it out loud, I knew it was a lie.  Anxiety filled my chest and it felt like I was going to burst. "Leave me alone..."

'Leave me alone' was a sentiment applied mostly to hormonal teenagers, sometimes to adults, and almost never to children. And Velvet had to be a child, for now at least. That's why I wrapped my arms around her, and I squeezed her tight into my chest.

Tears dripped down my cheeks and I shook my head, trying to push Colette away.  I didn't want to do this!  I didn't want to start crying.  I wasn't a baby.  I wasn't a First!  But I couldn't help it.  I couldn't stop myself... "Leave me alone..."

"You're not going to be alone, Velvet, not anymore. You're embarking on this journey, this frail, fraught journey into new territory. But you're going to have people who love you, until you're ready to make it on your own. I promise."

I hated her so much.  But the way she held me to her chest, I... I couldn't turn her away.  I couldn't fight her anymore.  So I buried my head in her shirt and cried, holding her tight.

There could be no rebirth without a little bit of death, and what had to die in Velvet wasn't her ego, her spunk, her wit, or intelligence. All that needed to die in her was that spark of a voice that told her there was any other way out of this. All that she had to do was show a little trust.

-------------

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[Wannatripbaby]

5 hours ago, Sophie ♥ said:

If that were true, you'd still be a boy."

Dayuuuuuuuuum! Apply cold water directly to that burn.

[littleTomás]

Wow, our program director/mommy has some serious spunk!

[Sophie ♥]

51.) Her Guest

"Are you wet?" Colette asked me.  I looked harshly at her and then down at my feet.  I wasn't even sure when I was wet anymore.  Stupid Phase Zero. "I can help," she said quietly, playing with my hair. "But you have to let me."

Let her hypnotize me... it was like signing my own death wish.  But she had kept me safe for six months in Phase Zero...

"You'll be doing this willingly, but it might be the first real step into a life where you can accept what's become of you, and become what you've accepted."

Honestly. I had full control over her - but this moment of surrender, this was important for many reasons.

I shook my head and crossed my arms. "Hypnosis doesn't work on me." "Then you can potty train yourself.  It could take months..." I glared at Colette and then down at the red dress I was wearing.  I didn't want to be in diapers anymore... it was embarrassing.

"You could be a First like Keira if you prefer; she's quite comfortable in her diapers. Maybe you'd become used to yours before you figure out the finer points of potty training, maybe that won't be so bad, right?"

I looked away from Colette and kicked my feet.  Comfortable?  I'd never be comfortable in diapers!  I'd been in them for months already and I wasn't used to them!  But the way she worded it... it was a scary thought.

"I'm here to help you. Let me help you." The very act of asking was important: it signaled not only surrender, but some very primal level of acceptance.

"How are you going to help me?" I pouted. "Like you said, I'm not having trouble psychologically.  It's physical." Even if I let her, it's not like there was much she could do about it.  Right?

I smiled at her, and I put my hand on her cheek. She was such a pretty little thing, and I was absolutely going to miss her. Even now, it was just so hard to see her as the psychopathic little murderer that she once was.

"I'm going to help you. And that's enough."

"Fine," I muttered, kicking my feet.  I hated asking for help, but I trusted Colette.  She had done more for me than she knew.

For Velvet, it wasn't a long process. No potent induction, no drawn out experience. For her, the girl I had been hypnotizing for months, it was a series of finger snaps that dropped her under. Out like a light.

Immediately, I was in a dark room.  Empty.  Not my library, of course.  That was hidden far away.  But this was... strange.  I didn't even remember the induction.  Then, Colette was there.  I bit my lip shyly and played with the hem of my dress.

"This is a blank slate, Velvet. This is whatever you make it to be. A fortress? A line of defense? It could be. A maze, to keep me out? Perhaps if you’d like. Or you could make it the very essence of your new self. Your favorite color is red. Pretty Velvet Red. Paint the walls with your eyes."

Suddenly, the blackness turned red.  A soft, deep, velvety red.  The walls came into focus and the shelves.  Tables and chairs.  Steps and railings.  The outlines of my library.  I looked around nervously and took half-a-step backward.  She... she couldn't be here!  I shook my head and tried to take the color away.

"This is what you want it to be, Velvet, this is your place. I'm here as a guest, and nothing more than that." Her panic could tear this place apart, but I could reset her, I could do this over and over. Perhaps I had, a dozen times, a hundred, she'd never know.

Colette approached me and put her hand on my cheek.  She touched her lips to my forehead.  Images of my mom came up.  But different.  Kinder.  Gentle.  When I regained focus, we were in my library.  She wandered around looking at each of the books like it was the first time she'd been here. "Y-you can't be here," I mutterer shyly, holding my dress down. "Please, um..."

"These books here, these ones are special, aren't they?" I pulled a book from the shelf, a title on the spine that didn't contain any recognizable characters whatsoever. I flipped it open, and I read, and I shaped, and Velvet changed. "I'm a diaper wearing baby girl, I love my diapers, I love them thick. I wet them whenever I can, and I love that, too." This book was a failsafe.  One of a few little tricks I hid deep in Velvet’s subconscious.  I’d written it during my time as the Librarian, as a last resort.  But maybe I could use it to prove a point instead.

"What...?" I took a step toward her, to understand what she was talking about, but I frozen in place.  The diaper between my thighs grew warm and wet, and butterflies filled my stomach.  Wonderful butterflies.  My cheeks caught fire and I looked at Colette with shame and humiliation.  What the hell was happening...?

"I want to be like Keira,” I read on. “I want to mess my diapers, I want to love it like she does - innocently, blissfully." I circled around Velvet slowly, reading from the book that directed her. "I love Colette, I want to impress her. I want to be pretty for her."

"I know that Colette can change me, rewrite me, make me anything she wants.” I closed the book and looked down at the stinky girl in front of me. “But Velvet, what I want is for you to make your own choices.”

I fell backwards onto my soft bottom.  I looked up at Colette with dizzy, dreamy eyes.  That book... "That's not mine," I muttered.  But whose else would it be?  This was my library.  All these thoughts were mine.  All these dreams and wishes.  I couldn't believe it, but there was no alternative.  What do you do when confronted with two impossibilities?

"This book is your surrender, Velvet. This book is acceptance. It's euphoria." Obviously, I wasn’t reading from the book anymore, although I could start again at any moment. "You're in control of your own fate.  So what will you do.  Surrender to these feelings?”

I shook my head.  It was a hard truth to accept, that some part of me wanted all this.  But after all this time, didn’t that make sense?  I’d been fighting for so long… what would it be like to stop fighting?  I could give up.  I could give in.  Things could be easy…

But that book was only one of many.  It made up only a few pages of millions.  That book didn't define me.  I pulled myself to my feet with the help of the table and walked over to Colette.  She looked at me strangely as I took the book from her and put it back on the shelf where it belonged. "That's a part of me, but I'm more than one experience."

“There's things about yourself that you didn't know. You didn't know you were a girl, but you are. You didn't know that you could grow and accept yourself here, but you did."

I nodded my head gently and Colette patted me once on the top of the head.

"Come on," she told me. "Let's find your potty training book.  We have a few new chapters to write, don't we?"

I followed Colette through my library until we found the set in Year 3 when I was taught how to potty train.  She scribed a new book for me, about how to regain that control.  And when I woke up in her arms, six or so hours later, I was feeling a lot better.  But I sure didn't smell any better.

"You get to bed, alright," I said with exhaustion.  It was draining to facilitate such lengthy sessions. “We will pick this up again tomorrow."

-------------

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[diaperpt]

Wow! Colette really messed with her library while she was in phase zero and that horrible, horrible man turned into the pretty little girl he never knew he wanted to be! It really does seem like Velvet is either ready, or at least close to ready to move forward in the program!

It feels like you let us think Velvet was still mostly in control of herself when it turns out that this was how Velvet felt. Yes, she maintained in her mind to be little bits of who she had been, but she is only in control of what Colette wants her to have so she has had to consciously concede that last little bit. I love how you've done this!

[Bonsai]

The problem is choice, as The Architect tells to Neo. But my favourite quote from that movie is a previous exchange between Morpheus and The Merovingian.

Morpheus: “Everything begins with a choice.”

Merovingian: “No, wrong. Choice is an illusion created between those with power and those without.”

Power balance in this case equals to knowledge balance: Colette has stripped Velvet of all key knowledge, therefore has the “illusion of choice” all driven by her side.

[littleTomás]

Very well done! Man, phase zero really did alter Velvet’s underlying thought process.

[Sophie ♥]

Again, your comments are so great!!   I don't want to address anything specifically because I don't want to spoil the rapidly approaching ending.  But ahhh, this discussion is /exactly/ why I post our stories on this site!!

Thank you all for reading, of course.  And thank you all for sharing your thoughts!  Thank you for making this experience so enjoyable.

~Sophie

[Sophie ♥]

52.) Her Initiative

I ran up to Colette and tugged on her sleeve, shifting from my left foot to my right.  When she looked down at me, I tucked my hands between my legs, against the front of my dress, and smiled shyly at her.

"I need'ta use the potty..." I muttered.  I still hated asking her permission!  But it was better than wetting myself, right?  All the hard work we had put into my potty training was finally paying off and I wasn't about to throw it all away for an ounce of convenience.

"Oh, you do?" Velvet had come a long way; she was no longer working against the system, but rather within it, and she was finally seeing the value of what we did here. If Annie had been my former coworker’s magnum opus, then Velvet was mine. I was so proud.

I puffed out my cheeks in annoyance and bounced on my toes. "Come on, Colette!  I still can't hold it very long..." She rolled her eyes and led me to the corner of the room and into the little alcove.  She scanned the badge on her wrist and the little light turned green.  I swear, it felt like the slowest process in the whole world!  But after she opened the door, I ran inside and slammed it shut behind me.

I had forgotten what it was like to use a toilet.  Not pleasant.  Not unpleasant.  An obligation, really.  In retrospect, I didn't mind diapers that much.  They were convenient when I was coding hypnosis files!  But Colette reminded me that if I ever wanted to leave, I needed to be toilet trained.  After all, the program couldn't put diaper-wearing women back out into the world; it would look bad on paper.

I flushed the toilet and pulled up my training pants.  They looked a lot like little kid pull-ups, with the elastic sides and the thin absorbent padding between the legs.  But they lacked Disney characters - probably a licensing issue, I mused.  At least they came in a few different colors.  Of course, I always wore the red ones.

I washed my hands and flattened my dress before leaving the bathroom.

"Velvet, have you finished writing that routine I tasked you with?"

It wasn't for very long, but this past two weeks I'd been allowing her to work on a few select hypnosis routines on her own - she'd earned that level of trust so far. Now, to be fair, I didn't give her carte blanche to do her own thing, and I tasked her with very specific goals, but so far she'd been... impressive.

Given how smart Velvet Duke was, that shouldn't have surprised me.

"The one with--" Colette put her finger to her lips and I looked around the playroom.  It was milk time for the newbies - the Firsts - and the atmosphere was a little chaotic.  All the same, I shouldn't talk about hypno stuff in front of the patients.  I followed Colette into her office and waited for her to shut the door before I continued.

"I finished the crying program this morning.  It wasn't hard - anger is usually just a mask for some other emotion anyway.  Shame, or fear, or something like that.  So I just kinda... switched the responses." Rather than getting angry and violent, the listener would begin to cry.  The angrier they were, the harder they would cry.  Simple, but effective!  If everyone in the world would cry instead of hitting something, we'd all be a lot better off.  And it would keep the staff safe, too.  This routine would definitely become a core part of the program.  Probably in Phase One.  Breaking down always was the hardest part; I knew that first hand.

"That's wonderful, Velvet, that's going to go a long way to helping with some of the more volatile personalities when they come into the program - you of all people know how strongly some people will hold onto the ideas of their former lives, right?"

Velvet had held on tighter than just about anybody else I'd had come in through here, and it had taken some of the questionable - if ultimately useful - techniques that Marlow had pioneered, to help her through her own reluctance.

"Uh huh!  Don't worry, that won't ever happen again." I sat on the sofa and pulled the laptop closer to me.  It was resting on a small wheeled desk that I could move around the office as needed.  I wasn't allowed to do any work in the common area - the Round Table was very strict about that rule.  It took Colette a lot of advocating for them to even let me work on the files at all!  But they saw how helpful it had been with Annie.  And automated hypnosis would save money.  They had nothing to lose.

"I've been working on another file," I told Colette with excitement. "The crying one got me thinking about it.  Firsts are always fighters - except Keira, I guess.  They hate diapers, they take them off in a huff, they pee on the floor after they have some milk, and the staff has to clean it up!  So the easy solution: make them like diapers."

Colette patted me on the top of the head - I loved when she did that! - but there was a disbelief behind her eyes.

"It's a little counter-intuitive to the Breaking Down process. They aren't supposed to like it."

"Right, right. But!  I just have to build some dissonance.  They still have all the shame and disgust, but they also get sexually aroused.  Actually, the dichotomy might even help break them down faster."

"I don't think sexual arousal is going to be something we can use to gain control, Velvet," I answered, not in a condescending manner but more in a... mm... well, I wish I didn't have to explain this, kind of way. "We already operate under fierce scrutiny from out investors, and The Round Table is never going to allow something like that. And nor should they, it's plain unethical."

"I don't see how," I said sourly, crossing my arms over my dress and puffing out my cheeks.  It was an action I seem to have picked up along the way... though I couldn't quite remember when. "It seems weird, but it would totally work.  If someone is sure of something, it makes them strong.  But if you mix together disgust and arousal, there's weakness there.  Faster breaking down.  Way less work for the staff.  And they might even keep their diapers on!  Less cleaning up.  It's a win-win.”

"And if we keep them in a constant state of arousal, they'll just wind up humping each other and the last thing we need is this place getting a reputation as a haven for slightly softer prison sex.”

I couldn't believe I had to explain this to her, but Velvet had been here a while now - maybe too long for her to still have a grounded sense of reality?

"That isn't going to happen!  I'll just add a little bit.  Enough to cause an internal conflict, but not enough to act on it.  You don't think I know what I'm doing?" I didn't hide my annoyance.  Hiding emotions was bad.  I learned to be open and honest, even with the bad feelings.

"Velvet, I think you know exactly what you're doing, and I think like most very clever people, you are letting your cleverness distract you from what's proper and right."

Her cheeks went almost as red as her color, and I raised my eyebrow with a sterner tone of voice.

"No. And that's final. Now please work on what I've prescribed for you to process, and keep your mind focused."

I took a hard look at Colette and sunk into the sofa.  Final.  I didn't like that.  But technically she was my boss... what a strange way to think about it.

But at the same time, I was disappointed too.  Not only in her, but in myself.  I thought she would be proud of me...

"Sorry," I muttered and went back to my computer.  She patted me again on the head, but it didn't feel the same.

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[Wannatripbaby]

Velvet: "Let's make the inmates sexually-aroused by diapers!"

Colette: "No."

Velvet: *Surprised Pikachu face*

Lol.

Grammar Patrol:

2 hours ago, Sophie ♥ said:

I answered, not in a condescending manner but more in a... mm... well, I wish I didn't have top explain this, kind of way.

*too

2 hours ago, Sophie ♥ said:

 If someone sure of something, it makes them strong.

 

[Bonsai]

Knowledge... I’m still convinced that old Velvet somehow saw a way out when blinding the doctor who gave her back perfect sight (I love the symmetry of the mirror game you have created!) and that the one to be manoeuvred in the end will be Colette. Somehow, old Velvet knew Colette would protect her and rebuild her once she was convinced her “masterpiece” was ready for it. I’m looking forward to the next chapters where you will unfold the last covered cards...

[Sophie ♥]

58 minutes ago, Wannatripbaby said:

Velvet: "Let's make the inmates sexually-aroused by diapers!"

Colette: "No."

Velvet: *Surprised Pikachu face*

YEP!  

59 minutes ago, Wannatripbaby said:

Grammar Patrol:

Fixed.

[diaperpt]

7 hours ago, Wannatripbaby said:

Grammar Patrol:

9 hours ago, Sophie ♥ said:

I answered, not in a condescending manner but more in a... mm... well, I wish I didn't have top explain this, kind of way.

*too

Oh Grammar Patrol, I hope you meant 'to' not 'too'!  We all have typos...

 

More time has passed, but it is still amazing to see such powerful results in Velvet! Colette has reason to be proud of her project. Velvet has changed so much, wonders about it but the one who was so sure they could not be hypnotized has been thoroughly remade and can't even figure out exactly how she was changed. Her reaction to Colette's rejection of the idea of liking diapers through sexual tension was one of acceptance with a bit of hurt feelings rather than anger. She is definitely a new person!

[Sophie ♥]

53.) Her Chrysalis

I found Keira lying on the floor by the television with a wooden block in her mouth.  She had taken so easily to becoming a First, I wondered why they didn't advance her to a Second right away.  But Colette had a schedule to follow, I think.  I sat down next to her and played with her hair while she watched the TV show in a non-language.  She was so willing to let this place destroy every part of who she used to be.  It was almost... reassuring.

"How are you, cutie pie?  Need a change?" Keira notoriously hated diaper changes.  She would rather sit in her own mess than get dragged away from whatever fun she was doing.  But her diaper looked pretty clean from where I was sitting.  I had grown so used to seeing adults in diapers, it was almost strange to see adults without them, like Colette and the rest of the staff.

"Iono." Keira replied with an almost dreamy sense of cadence to her voice, "you can changes it but it isn't done its job yet so it would be a waste."

Something about the way she talked harkened back to college, to "golly I'm so high, I'm so drunk," the way people leaned into experiences and wanted people to make sure they knew about them. But at the same time, she was exceedingly genuine, too; hard to fault.

"I wrote another program for you today," I said with a smile, watching the pointless television show for no reason other than it was somewhere for my eyes to go. "I think you'll really like it, though I've never seen you angry..." Maybe it wouldn't be very useful on Keira.  Oh well, better safe than sorry, right?

"Babies don' got much to be angry about, Velvie, mos'ly the bad stuffs that grownups do."

There was never any lack of light behind her eyes, never any sign that she'd checked out - Keira just wanted to be here, this was right where she belonged.

Technically speaking, Keira wasn't my First anymore.  I'd been bumped up to Third about a month ago, on my way through Looking In.  I wasn't sure what I was supposed to be looking for, and I wasn't sure how long it would take.  But I hoped sometime soon I could become a Fourth.  Fourths had wristbands that let them into the bathroom all on their own; I wouldn't have to ask Colette anymore.

A sound rang overhead and I patted Keira on the forehead. "Dinner time - let's go." Another bottle for Keira.  If there was one thing I was happy to be rid of, it was the milk.

"Velvie, you don' like this place berry much.”

It was an unusually lucid bit of advice from Keira, the girl who wanted everybody to think she wasn't all there but she was clearly very extra just below the surface. I blinked in surprise.

"I don't like this place?  Why do you think that?"

Admittedly, I didn't like this place to begin with.  I didn't like anything for a very long time, and I didn't like living six months in a baby coma.  But now?  I'd been working with Colette for a long time on what I really wanted.  I wanted to be a girl.  I wanted to take care of people like Annie and Keira.  I wanted everyone to stop hiding behind what they thought was right and do what made them happy.  Not in a 'kill twelve people' way, but in a 'live the life you want to live' way.  And... well, this facility allowed me and so many other people to do that.  The outside world was so oppressive, so rigid, so admonishing, but the Calibeen Project brushed all that away, like an archeologist digging through the dirt of the human experience.  

Truth be told, I didn't only like this place... I idolized it.

Keira would provide no more details as to her insights, and she made very sure to get the milk into her mouth as soon as she was able to. Velvet was insightful, too, and in another life and another world, the two of them might have taken over the world with their shared brilliance and understanding. This was not that world, this was not that life. And that was okay. If Velvet had a program for Keira, she'd damn well take it - anything to advance herself further into the safe, comfortable, swaddled world, that was Calibeen. Keira was home. Maybe Velvet was, too, in her own way.

Burgers and fries for the Thirds and Fourths!  There was no branding on the wrappers, but I was pretty sure it was McDonald's.  Their fries have a certain uniqueness that you can't replicate.  Seconds had mac and cheese and the Firsts were well into their milky haze.

Since I'd returned from Phase Zero, I hadn't made a lot of friends.  Bree left a while ago and Lemon was already a Fourth.  Soon, she'd go too.  I wanted to be happy for her, but I was a little sad at the same time.  Everyone who I knew when I arrived was leaving... and soon I would leave too.  Wouldn't I?

I wondered idly about my boyfriend.  Well, ex-boyfriend, maybe?  We never officially broke up, but I don't think he understood what I did.  Since my arrest, he hadn't even spoken to me.  Now, I was better.  I could be the kind of person he could love.  Someone who wouldn't go around hurting people.  But...

Well, before, I thought I was a boy.  Now I'm a girl.  Roger had a wife at one point, and a daughter.  Maybe he was bisexual?  I had never thought to ask... I never thought it mattered.  Now it mattered.

But even if he was into girls, would he be into me?  Would he accept all the changes I've been through?  Or would he be unable to let go of his preconceived ideals?  Suddenly, I didn't feel very well.  I put down the second half of my burger and put my cheek in my hand.  Maybe... maybe it was best if I never tried to reconnect with him.  Maybe... he was better off without me.  The boy I was or the girl I am.

One of the nurses diapered me, like they always did at night.  I'd been mostly potty trained in the daytime, but I still couldn't keep it together at night.  It was a little annoying, but Colette assured me that most Thirds still had this problem.  Lemon grew out of it - she was in panties full time.  I wondered what it would be like to wear panties as a girl... I'd worn them before, as a boy.  But this was different.  Calibeen was a chrysalis.  Keira really knew what she was talking about sometimes.

I drifted off to sleep thinking about boys and girls and gender.  It was an antiquated concept - I always seemed to straddle the idea of 'normal'.  Was this really so strange?

-------------

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[Sophie ♥]

We are rapidly approaching the end of this story and I'm so SAD and HAPPY.  Like, Pudding and I have been working on this for over 5 years, and the Calibeen saga is finally coming to an end.  Gosh...

I really hope you guys like how it turns out.  And I hope you all give Audrey & Staycee a look too, when it's over.

~Sophie

[Wannatripbaby]

Hmm... why hasn't Velvet gotten a "Big Sister" that we've seen? Is it because she's directly under Colette or something?

[diaperpt]

I, too, am sad that this story is  coming to an end. Audrey and Stacy are where I came in... back when I thought I was another gender. Thankfully I didn't need to go through the Calibeen experience to get where I am now! Back when I read A&S, I kind of thought that experience would actually be pretty cool because I had truly submerged my understanding of self. Unlike Velvet, mine wasn't imposed by hypno.

Kind of ironic that it's now over five years for me. I think it would be interesting for me to go back and re-read A&S as well as the related stories, but we aren't quite done here yet.

[Sophie ♥]

54.) Her Moral Dilemma

"What about surgery?" I asked Colette, a few days later. "I mean, I'm a girl now, right?  So... shouldn't I have a vagina?"

"It's an economics issue," I explained, while signing the stack of papers that Velvet had collated for me, absently - she worked on some secretarial duties, too, which was a blessing!

"The state does pay for gender reaffirming surgeries for prisoners under their own criteria, so the funding is there to tap into, but we're not big enough to be classified entirely state run yet and without that, it would have to come from our private investors and that's a big burden on the budget."

Although.

"Unless you mean post-Calibeen? I suppose it would be trivial to furnish graduates with required paperwork to allow them to pursue their own options."

"So this place basically turns us into girls, but we don't have the option of surgery?" I was clearly annoyed.

"Your genitals don't make you a girl, Velvet."

"I know that!  I'm just saying..." I muttered something under my breath and opened up another program on the laptop.

"Honestly, our girls could do a lot to show the world about the variance of sex versus gender versus expression.”

I knew it was a copout, and she did have a point. But without reaching critical mass, we couldn't offer that.  We would need a way of having our girls be sure this was what they wanted, too. A way they could prove themselves. It's not like we had transwomen here; we coercively invoked this change, and we needed to be the keepers of it. But without getting our costs down and our numbers up, this was less than moot anyway.

"Well, maybe there could be an upgrade system?  You could collect points or something... behavior points?  Token economy systems are highly significant in behavior modification."

"Either way, money is money."

"Then we need more patients.  Inmates?  Clients..." I pondered the word choice for only a second before moving on with my point. "And that's what I'm for.  I've already automated a lot of the intake process.  We have a working headset and a ton of participants.  In a few months, this place will run like an assembly line."

A few months... would I even be here after that?  The thought brought an obvious sadness to my eyes, and Colette was too smart not to notice.

"And in a few months you'll have graduated, and you won't need to give anymore thought space to this place, Velvet. And the work you've helped me with will help hundreds, thousands, of others - those like you, those less fortunate, we're going to revolutionize the penal system. If I didn't know the Round Table like I did, I'd even recommend you apply for work here once you've settled down in your new life, but I think we both know what they'd say."

"...right," I muttered, looking a little too hard at the computer screen.  After a few minutes of getting no work done and thinking too much, I closed the laptop and took a deep breath.

"Colette.  I'm having a problem."

"And what problem is that, Velvet?"

Our relationship had evolved in a lot of ways, from patient doctor, to adversarial, to caretaker, to... well, were we friends, now?

"I've been thinking about this... uh.  Looking In thing.  You know, what Thirds are supposed to do?  And... and I like what I do here.  I know I'm not actually on the staff, but I help, right?  I'm revolutionizing hypnotherapy, which is just... amazing.  But when I get out of here, I won't have my license anymore.  How am I supposed to help people then?  We always talk about what I can do for others, and this is it.  So... so I want to keep working here.  I want to be a hypnotherapist, or... a hypno technician or something."

"You and I know that The Round Table won't approve of you working here, Velvet. And I wish that they would, because I think seeing a rehabilitated face working within the system could be wonderful for assuaging the kind of scrutiny we fall under, but... well, it's like you said - you're not going to be licensed again.”

"...well, that's what I'm having a problem about." I looked down at my feet and kicked at the carpet.  I played with my fingers, pushing them together and turning them awkwardly. "If I wanted to, I... I could put in passwords that prevent anyone else from using the automated hypnosis.  Only me.  Like a package deal - if the Round Table wanted the system, they would have to take me too.  But... that's selfish.  And I don't want to be selfish.  But I really want this job..."

"You know that by confiding this in me, you're showing a huge amount of trust - I could restrict you from any further access, prevent you from tampering with the systems, lock you out. But... you know that, don't you?"

“Yeah…” I forced a smile and looked back at the computer.  It was closed.  Sleeping.  But I knew the program I had opened.  A few lines of code... that's all I had to do.  I shook my head and looked down at my feet.

"I wanted to talk to you about it first.  About what I should do.  There are no true variables, you know?  If I give the Round Table this ultimatum, they'll take it.  No question about it."

Colette nodded in agreement.

"And if I don't give it to them, they certainly won't let me continue the project once I'm gone.  I mean, I'm the only one that can add new programs anyway because the system is built around my Empathetic Voice.  But they will have enough old programs not to need more.  Barring extreme circumstances..."

I was running myself in circles in my head.  I took a deep breath to center myself.

"So the question is simple: should I do something ultimately unethical that I know will have no true consequence?  What's the important part, the morality or the outcome?"

An ethics question from Velvet Duke?

I took a breath and put my fingers together in my lap. She was right - I may have been the builder, but she was the architect, she was the maker of this grand design, and with her work we could scale, we could grow beyond the wildest dreams of anyone who'd ever worked on this program.

"You're suggesting that the ends justify the means?"

"Do they?" I bit my lip and shrugged my shoulders. "If I could stay, I could write more programs.  I could help!  And the only way they'll let me is if I force their hands.  Gosh, they probably even want me to do it!"

I let out sigh of exhaustion and slumped back into the couch.  Morality was so much work...

"This whole place... it does bad things for good reasons.  It hurts to help.  So... why shouldn’t I follow by example?  Or am I looking for an excuse?  I don't know what to do, Colette..."

"It's all politics, Velvet. They won't see your contributions as enough to absolve you, and they'll just tell themselves it was all my work and you simply helped. They may even press charges if you try to extort them."

I sighed, rubbing the bridge of my nose.

"I've been over it a thousand times.  If I lock them out of my hypno tech, they lose too much.  No growth.  No bigger facility.  No momentum.  The cost-benefit analysis is in my favor.  If they keep me on staff as a technician rather than a therapist, I don't need a license.  None of the therapists would need licenses.  There's no credible threat to them, other than mild discomfort.  They have a lot to gain and nearly nothing to lose."

Colette looked at me with sad eyes, like she had made up her mind.  Maybe she had.  I took a deep breath to clear my head.  I knew what I wanted.  I just didn't know if I should take it...

"Tell me what to do.  If you say no, then... then I won't.  No tricks, no nothing.  I'll give them the program.  And I'll... work at a library or something." Oh, the tedium... "And if you say yes, I'll work hard to make this place the best it can be.  With you."

I smiled up at her, genuine and only a little nervous.

"Whatever decision you make, that will be the right one.  Even if I don't understand it.  I trust you."

I'd done this. I'd sided with Velvet, a criminal, and turned against my old colleagues. I'd taken what she could offer, and grown my ambitions because of it. I'd taken Dr. Marlow's work, the parts I deemed acceptable, and made them the norm here. I'd advanced my goals with little thought for antiquated concepts of right and wrong, and I'd taught her a very core lesson at the heart of her mind: the end justifies the means.

"Okay."

Okay was the most affirmative form of yes I could muster. Down the rabbit hole we'd go, Velvet and I.

-------------

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[littleTomás]

2 hours ago, Sophie ♥ said:

I'd taught her a very core lesson at the heart of her mind: the end justifies the means.

Oh, that’s the core of Velvet’s old library! I wonder if Colette made a critical error? As they say in Inception, a seed grows into an idea that will come to define a person if planted deep enough.

[Wannatripbaby]

Oh wow! I didn't think Colette would agree with him! But his arguments are just too convincing. The entire Calibean project is built upon the principal of the End justifying the Means. So why shouldn't its inmates practice it too?

(Note: The IRL answer is that we can rarely see the End or the Means nearly as clearly as we think we do. Dr. Trip is not condoning this kind of philosophy for use in everyday life.)

[Sophie ♥]

3 hours ago, Wannatripbaby said:

(Note: The IRL answer is that we can rarely see the End or the Means nearly as clearly as we think we do. Dr. Trip is not condoning this kind of philosophy for use in everyday life.)

SUPER true!!

[Sophie ♥]

55.) Her Power Play

As expected, the automated hypnosis was flawless.  I sat in on a few sessions with new intake to observe.  After only one session, there were noticeable differences.  Anxiety and fear in place of anger.  Docile acceptance of new norms.  And though I couldn't get the arousal program past Colette, the men quickly fell into the rhythm of the institution.  Every new patient received the same standard hypnosis regimen, once a day for the first week.  After that, they were helpless, hopeless baby girls.  Firsts.

I developed a few other programs to help the Seconds take care of the Firsts.  Interest in diaper changes, like it was a bonding exercise.  Increased distress tolerance, which was needed after months in Phase One.  A few programs to help 'sort out' their thoughts.  Empathy and compassion.  Love for their First, a foundation of positivity.  Like children with dolls.

Thirds needed stimulation.  They needed personality.  We'd effectively broken down and sorted out the pieces these girls once were.  Now we had to put them back together.  Hobbies.  Interests.  Manners.  Norms.  Some were instilled through hypnosis and others through group play.  Honestly, Thirds and Fourths should have been separate from the Firsts and Seconds - they were nothing but a distraction.

Fourths were tricky.  I didn't understand at first what Building Up meant, and it wasn't until I was a Fourth myself that it made sense, after I asked Colette about morality and getting a job at the facility.  I needed to learn how to do that on my own again: make decisions.  Colette and I proposed Fourths get more choices, like what to wear, or what to eat for dinner.  Maybe even visits outside the complex.  There was hardly risk, after all.  Not all of our wishes were granted, but we did get a rec room on the other side of the checkpoint that Fourths could use their bracelets to get into!  Baby steps, I suppose.

And then there was me.  I stood outside the large wooden doors with butterflies in my stomach.  I'd had meetings with the Round Table in the past, usually concerning the facility, but this was different.  This was defining.

I took a step forward and pushed my way into the conference room, closing the door behind me.  There were six people at the table; familiar faces.  But some of the Round Table wasn't here.  No surprise.  These were important people, and this wasn't their only job.

"Hi," I said without an ounce of confidence.  I cleared my throat and stood taller in my sundress.  Not professional, but the best I could get in this place.

"Hello," I said again, better this time. "I know the situation is unconventional, with me being an inmate.  But you all know what amazing work I've done here.  And I want to talk to you all about staying on after I... uh... graduate."

"You'd like for a project with hopes to get full governmental penal status, to employ one of its most infamous inmates in helping to rehabilitate the other inmates, to be clear?" That was a man with a head wrinkled like an apple a few days past its prime - his horn-rimmed glasses hid eyes that were tired in more ways than one. He looked at the woman sitting next to him, a gaunt-faced middle-ager going on sixty by the look of it. She seemed equally unimpressed.

"Yes, I would," I said with a smile.  I already knew they would hire me - the question was how difficult would they make it? "I'm the leading hypnotherapist in the country."

"You were the leading hypnotherapist in the country," I was corrected.  I narrowed my eyes.  Alright then...

"Use whatever tenses you want; I'm the best there is and you all know it.  You've seen what I've done with this place.  You have given me privileges you didn't give anyone else, powers I should never have had.  And in the end, it worked out in your favor.  Now you have the means to automate a lot of the process here.  You can grow without hiring dozens if not hundreds of hypnotherapists.  I've given you potential and saved you millions of dollars.  So why again shouldn't I be here?"

"Your mere presence here will create waves, Velvet Duke,” The woman responded with a tone as dry as a summers day, then continued further. "You're going to create a crisis of credibility, a scandal that no matter how beneficial your work here might be, will not allow us to push this through a currently bipartisan political ecosystem. You're too radical, I'm afraid."

"I don't see what you mean.  You reformed me, didn't you?  And now you're offering a job, which shows how much you trust your process.  And I won't be a licensed hypnotherapist; I'll be a technician for an automated system.  Just a low-level nobody kind of job.  What kind of damage can I do?" I watched a few faces change.  Irritation to interest.  Like they were considering it.

"You've currently worked only under your treating physician."

This came from a younger man from China who was either here as part of the medical oversight, as part of a foreign investors economic interest, or both. He continued.

"You have not shown any independent work."

"Colette was invaluable," I said honestly. "As was I.  If you think I wasn't instrumental to the project, you're being naive." I was getting off topic. "You all know what I'm capable of and what good I brought this place.  So let me stay.  After I graduate, I'll work here.  A low starting salary.  And you can oversee me however you want.  It's simply in your best interest."

"The very fact that you presume to think yourself so indispensable is... concerning. We do not believe that you are able to contribute anything that Dr. Clement is not able to  accomplish."

That was a sharp sting, and delivered so... coldly, too. Clinically.

That's about as smoothly as I expected it to go... I took a deep breath and nodded my head. "Well, when I graduate, I'm taking the automated hypnosis system with me."

"Since your design was created here at the institution and during your incarceration, all your works belong to the Calibeen Project."

Technically true.  But it didn't change the fact.

"That isn't what I mean," I told them. "The programs I wrote are protected with a string of passcodes.  If I leave, you don't have access to automated hypnosis.  Unless, of course, you think Colette can re-create it on her own."

But they didn't think that.  Despite all their badmouthing, they knew this design was mine.  They didn't know the specifics, but Colette - or any other hypnotherapist - could never replicate my Empathetic Voice technique.  It would take years - if at all - to figure out how to do what I'd done.

"To be clear," the horn-rimmed-glasses-man leveled his tone low and seriously, "you mean to extort the rehabilitation facility responsible for your freedom? Do you realize, perhaps, that we hold all the cards? That 'when you leave' may never come to pass?"

"I do realize that, yes."

It didn't need saying that if I thought they were keeping me here just to use me that I would stop giving access to my project.  And if they tried to lock me up somewhere or put me in Phase Zero again, a timer would trigger and shut the whole program down.  I was prepared.

"I'm sorry that it has come to this.  I deeply respect everything you do here, and I want to continue to better it.  If I go back into the world, I won't have my license.  I can't practice.  I can't do what I'm good at.  This is the only way I can keep helping... and this place has taught me how important that is.  I want to help.  And I'm willing to do whatever I need to to make that happen."

The members of The Round Table dismissed Velvet after that, but had her sit in the reception outside their meeting room for an hour, then two, and four, and finally - and once Velvet had likely wet herself in her solitude - they summoned her back in to see them.

"You'll be given 24 hours, Velvet Duke. Unfettered access to the equipment you need. And you will present a project to us that demonstrates an evolutionary step forward for this facility. Succeed, and you will have your employment. Fail, and you will hand over your codes, your research - everything. If you are so faithful in your designs and machinations, this oughtn't even be a gamble for you."

A test?  Hm.  I didn't see that coming.  But what choice did I have?  If I could prove my usefulness, they would want me around anyway.  Sure, I had to get here through immoral terms, but I could still prove myself.

So I agreed.

-------------

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[Wannatripbaby]

Hmm... Do they really expect Velvet to just concede and hand over the codes if she "fails" this, quite frankly, ridiculous test?

Tune in next time to find out!