Feel The Dark Side

[Necare]

Nail gun?! May I ask; were you going to shoot yourself in the head or in the heart? I would not have the courage to do that I think.

I tried to commit suicide by overdose, but it failed horribly. I had pulverized about 1500-1600 mg of antidepressant-pills, and I was planning of swallowing it down with water. Well, all I managed to swallow was about 1/5 of it, and I started to get more and more dizzy, and then the worst nausea imaginable came over me, and I started to vomit what seemed like a mix of blood, bile, and antidepressant liquid. So, yes, I could not go through with it, using that method. Bathtub-disco next.

[SoCalAB]

I think everybody has moods of depression once in a while but how we deal with it is a different story. Going out, working out, or doing something constructive (especially sailing on my boat) snaps me right out of it. I hate to wallow in the blues... I would much rather pick up my guitar and play them.

Stay Pampered

SoCalAB

Hi one and all.........just thought I would ask how many suffer and feel the force of the dark side.......people who have come to know me expect the up beat joke making person 24/7....but in reality this is hard to do....then there is the enquiry as to why to aren`t a happy nappy chappy!!!!

well at times you cant be....and there is a hugh difference between having a bad day and being depressed and at the bottom of the the pit is dispare and black thoughts.

My question is for all nappy wearers......those who have been born with problems and those who now find themselves with problems....and those involved in terrible accidents.........whilst I suffer the dark side I cannot image what you must go through...I am not trying to sound complacent or patronising.....just curious about how others cope and feel with depression.

And yes by me asking the question......I am slipping into a dark hole again....sorry I cant be fun all the time.

But I love you all...look foreward to reading your replys.

[toddler-j]

Since my first post here i still havent broken the cycle..

i sat the other day looking at this thread for nearly 4 hours wondering how

to explain somthing, then when i started writing somthing my dial up cut

me off, maybe a good job......

To answer one thing, the head would have been my choice.

its taken me 2hrs to write this so far.....

i was listening to leonard choen when i started this post now 2 albums later its the verve...

since my first post on this thread ive had two appointments with my doc,

first he gave me diazepam to help stop me killing braincells with alcahol

wich was good till i took them all with paraceetamol and tequila, i did pass

out but woke an hour or so later then vomited all i had taken.......

I still feel as black as i did when i firs posted on this thread, i can only

hope the new meds ive been given (mirtazapine) will lift me over time

as nothing els so far has worked...

sorry to bore you all with my rubbish........

Tj.....

[Necare]

I was mentioning earlier that my method of suicide would be the old electric appliance in the bathtub. As the bathtub is too far away from a plugin, I will have to use an extension chord for the toaster. I really hope all will work out well, with swiftness and not too much pain, but lately I have been worrying, and this may be a stupid question: What if, instead of burning me to a crisp, there occurs a circuitbreak, and my whole plan is demolished? I know; probably a retarded question to say the least, but this simply has to work, so if anybody could answer me in this matter, it will be greatly appreciated! Viva Suicidio!

[kaithlyn_d]

first off tj and necare. my choice is to drift off to sleep. no pain u know. carbon momoxide poisening. second off. i understand the desire to end it all. i still think about it every day. not that i'd do it . now i am up to my eyebrows in crap, and it not even my fault. but i figure, what the heck. i going to fight till the fighting is done. i tire of running away from this crap, and it is time to face it head on. and u wanna know something? i will win. i ams being accused of being a racist, becose a mexican lost his job after pulling my pants down at work. the cops told me to drop it, and my manager called his manager, and his manager fired him. he is sueing my company for racism. lol how do u think i feel now huh? the mexican pulled my slacks down, and i the one in trouble? how can this b? i have no idea. but i swear that i not going to b done like this. sorry just venting. please realize u r not the only one going thru shit, and that we all need each other.

love u all

heather

[Pipsqueak]

Please go and get some help, Necare! If you've been seeing someone already please don't give up. I suffered terribly from depression in my early twenties, but with the right doctor, the right meds, and a lot of hard work, I pulled myself out of the pit and I've kept the demons at bay for well over a decade now. There were times when I wanted to end it all, but when I look back now, it sends a shiver down my spine to think that I might have gone through with it. The person I was then is like a stranger to me now. I know it feels hopeless, but it isn't. Don't give up.

[Necare]

Thank you for your support Pip and Heather, it is appreciated. Heather, I`m glad to hear that you are fighting the demon of depression face to face, Pipsqueak, glad to hear that you have kept the darkness at bay. But each person knows himself/herself best, and I know when my limit is reached. This is not simply a case of depression that can be healed through meds and therapy.

You have probably read this some other place at this site, but because of the psycopathic, sadistic and manipulative deeds of my ex (If there is a hell, may she be ripped and torn in eternity!! ); "outing" me to the public, taking pictures, posting them on the net, she has ruined my whole life. I have said this many times, I am one who has always struggled with having this fetish, and to tell this for the first time to a girl who I really loved with all my heart, to lay bare such a, for me, raw, frail and tender issue, was a huge thing. Something that involved deep trust and love, not something to be trampled on like it was nothing.

You know, I have always been more of an introvert than extrovert, I enjoy exploring myself, my thoughts, philosophize, but there is such an incredible difference between choosing solitude, and having other people forcing it upon you. Of course you could say I could choose to ignore the constant leering, comments, the anxiety each time I walk out the door, and had I been a completely different, easy going person, that could have been an option, yes. But the thought of constantly worrying about being misinterpreted as a pedophile, constantly going around anticipating the next person you meet will have a picture of you in his/her mind of you as a baby, and that is even before formal introductions, that is devastating to say the least.

And let`s face it, besides the fetish or S/M-community, no one will take you seriously one bit if the first picture they get in their head is of you as a baby. And by saying this, I hope you understand that I am in no way condoning the ridiculous, braindead behaviour of most people, what I am saying is that I, like most of you would like to have a personal room within myself concealed from the leering eye of the public, and not in each and every situation be the victim of forced "exhibitionism". Maybe you disagree, but I would like to be judged on the basis of personal information handed out, controlled by myself, and not by others.

My situation now? Friends that I thought were friends don`t contact me anymore, I`m full of anxiety and paranoia, and death is truly the only solution, believe you me. And yes, Pip, I am currently talking to a psychologist, but as I have said to her, I know that there is no solutions to this besides death, my talks with her is simply to vent a bit, to talk about adult baby-stuff, my situation, with someone who understands. She is a brief respite from the extreme loneliness I am feeling, a momentary respite until I kill myself. And she is a truly wonderful person. She is taking her vacation right now, and I know that I`m missing our weekly session deeply.

Heather, you mentioned sleeping pills, I have thought about that, but then I would have to contact my physician, and it is too much bother, but maybe I could ask my psychologist? Carbon Monoxide would have been an excellent option as well, the problem is that we don`t have a garage, so that is futile. I have also been thinking of distilling pure nicotine out of tobacco, I have the recipe for it, and it`s fairly easy. But it may take longer to die than by bathtub-electrocution, some say a few minutes, others half an hour, a couple of hours, I don`t know.....

Anyway, sorry for this long post, just wanted you to know some facts behind my suicide-goal, in case you had not read it elsewhere. Heather, your situation in your workplace sounds absurd, but I`m sure you will get through it eventually! Best of luck to you and hang in there! Pip, glad to hear that you have managed to crawl out from the "grave" so to speak! Thanks again for your support both of you, and take care!

[Pipsqueak]

This may sound rather simplistic and perhaps someone has mentioned it already, but ... have you thought of moving? You must live in a very small town if everybody and their dog knows who you are. Big cities are great places to get lost in. No one knows you, they haven't seen what your ex posted on the internet and if they by chance happened to, they've already forgotten and wouldn't recognize you anyway. There is always an option other than suicide, even though it might not feel that way.

[kaithlyn_d]

tj. please not do it ok. i know that u feel that u r alone in this, but beilieve it or not ur not. my mom and one of my brothers know that i am a baby, and they r excepting. even tho i do all the babying myself, i just couldn't bring myself to let my mom or brother baby me ewwwwwwww. but ur doctor is the wrong kind of doc to let u go on and on about killing urself and just sitting back, and not doing anything about it i should know. i am almost 23, and a ward of the court. why cos i tried to kill myself. it is not fun. i hate not haveing the freedom that i should have. my brother and my mom has too make all the major decisions for me and i have no choice in those matters it really sucks. please think seriously about what the ramifications could be if u try and still live. they could b worse then it already is.

love yas tj,

heather

[kaithlyn_d]

oops that was for necare i sorry i had just woke up when i wrote that

oops that was for necare i had just gotted up when i wrote it sorry

[wetvinyl]

Hello again everyone... I've been away for a while, and this seems like a good topic to post back in... I've read all the posts in this topic and I feel for all of you. I've been suffering from depression since my early teens; I'm 48 now. Never medicated, a few rounds of therapy, recurring persistant thoughts of suicide, but I'm still f***ing here, dammit. After all these years of chronic suicidal thinking, I've come to recognise episodes of time where life is actually good, for a change-- whether in work, or relationships, or personal achievements-- whatever. Sometimes the clouds part, and there's a little blue sky for a change.

Is this a pep talk? Hell no. The clouds part for only a short time-- and then it's back to Reality As Usual. Overall, I'd put my everyday blue-sky percentage at about 40%. That's 60% of my life adds up to a general state of being that, on self-reflection, amounts up to a fairly persuasive personal justification for saying "f*** it" and Checking Out.

Still, for whatever reason, I'm Still Here. 35 years of thinking about suicide is a long f'ing time of not actually doing it. Something keeps me going, and I don't know what exactly it is. I still get up in the morning, put on my shoes, and go to work. It's not like I have goals, or dreams, or ambitions, or big hopes for my future. I'm walking around with a cardiac pacemaker in my chest and have almost died (I think on some level I'm pissed that I didn't); I've had exactly 2 girlfriends in my life and I have no idea how to meet somebody that cold accaept me for who I am, I've got no savings (med bills) or anything--

Ah, fuck this. Thing I'm saying is, one day I will pull my car into the garage and close the door and leave the engine running. But SOMETHING-- I don't know what-- is putting that off. I'M STILL FUCKING HERE.

I guess it's this: The course of your life is 10% what happens to you, and 90% what you do about it. If you feel that suicide is an option, then shit or get off the pot. Before you make that decision, think about how important are those blue-sky moments?

In closing, I'd just to admit that I've been drinking beer during this post. Yay Sam Adams.

wv

[kaithlyn_d]

from what u r saying i think that u want ppl to die. thats what it sonds like. i would have suceeded if my parents hadn't have found me and it sounds like ur being a real jerk. ppl on this thread need help and support vynal so if u r not part of the sulution, then u r part of the problem.

maybe some day u'll find some compassion, but then again maybe not.

but not tell ppl to "shit or get off the pot" cos that just as much as anything makes u a murderer.

by telling ppl with these thoughts to do it is the same as killing them outright.

[Necare]

Thanks for your support Heather and Pip. Pipsqueak, I appreciate your advice of moving, but that kind of rearranging I`m not willing to go through, a much easier option is suicide. Heather, if you managed to read my first idiotic reply before I deleted it, I deeply and truly apologise about the content. That was unfortunately a case of replying before thinking( Stupid, stupid me!! ), hope you forgive me! I can be a bit quick sometimes to "jump to the gun", again, sorry!! Sad to hear about your situation Heather, your suicide attempt and your loss of freedom. Hope you will get through it. Yes, I know that if the whole suicidething were to miserably fail, and if I were to be committed, that would not be a pleasant situation. But I just have to believe that the current will do its job. Personally I can`t think along the lines of; "What if.....?, I would go mad ( or madder! ) if I were to think like that.

About my psychologist; she is not in any way to blame, Heather, but thanks for sticking up for me. As I said, my reason for seeing her is not to get help, but rather to have someone to talk to while I build up the courage to do the "final deed". This I have made perfectly clear to her, and of course she would want the situation to be different, that I would ask for help to get out of the situation, and not me being dead set on my goal of ending it all despite going through counselling. But what can she do? It`s not like she can call my parents or relatives, for that would be a breach of confidence, ergo the trust would have been ruined between us. I don`t envy her the position she is in, she always has to take in consideration the patient-doctor-confidentiality, at the same time she is also worried that I will kill myself. That must be damn hard.

Wetvinyl, thank you for your input. "Shit or get off the pot" ?! Really? Well, it seems to me you are not the right one to give such advice, would you not say? You have yourself been sitting down on that same pot for 35 years, barely lifting your behind for those 40 % of "blue sky moments". And as you said, sooner or later you will do it yourself, you will "shit" and finally "get off the pot". Despite what you may think, it is documented that people wanting to end their life do not want this because they literally want death, but because they see no other solution to end an unbearable pain. And despite all the pain, it still takes an immense feat of will to actually do it, that is why I still have not done it, not because of some percentage of "blue sky moments", not because I`m not serious about my suicidal plans. Fine for you if you manage to still keep it going, but to throw out there the banal words of "shit or get off the pot" together with your own estimation of personal "blue sky moments"( And is it not the truth that the percentage of happy moments will vary quite a deal from individual to individual? ), and almost expecting that "one recipe fits all", that is too easy. Heather, love from me to you also!

[DuckyDoc]

I have suffered the dark side, more like a brain shut down if I try and avoid letting myself slip into an infantile state or try to ignore it.

I've spent nights trying to get over the whole kicking in of the urge. The guilt and hate factor.

Ignoring it actually brings it to the surface more, both in how I act, speak and think, making me feel dozy and lathargic, mixing those two elements with depression is a killer and something I'm glad I haven't experienced too much of. Finding a balance is key.

The best advice is to really be open with yourself, do what you have to do and enjoy it as much as possible, but do it in moderation. I'm lucky enough to get support from my girlfriend with this issue, though my family is still unaware of my infantilism.

Saying anything or admitting the psychology and needs behind it sometimes locks me up, and it did lock me up a few times telling my closest friend and girlfriend, where you can feel like you're in an abyss trying to shout out the words in your head hoping they'll hear them.

The humiliation can be embarassingly funny in retrospect, well, the whole nappy thing is funny because even though it means a lot to me and others with the same mind-set, as long as you can get yourself to laugh about it afterwards, you realise that it isn't such a big deal.

Living at home with parents is a problem, but I hope to move out with my girlfriend sometime next year, then things will definately flow a little easier (forgive the pun hehe).

Love yourself, and your nappies,

DuckyDoc.

[Vic]

The last few years I found myself to be on a rollercoaster. Everything is great for a while then it changes and I get so down. There are times I just want to disappear. I also always feel the need to be "happy-go-lucky" around my friends, acting like everything is good and making everyone else laugh. I know I should go back to my therapist but I can't seem to make the call. I've been thinking lately that this (AB/DL) has a lot to do with it. I hide this from everyone in my life and feel like I can't be me, like I'm living a lie. Isolation, shame, fear, I feel these things and I wonder how prevalent they are among us?

Yes, when we feel the stress of "living the lie", life can get so black, and we feel as though we can't let anyone in.

I know these feelings all too well, I've been there, for a long time too. Finally I waas fed up with all of the deceit, and made a bold move. I told my family, and I told my closest friend, and it didn't matter to them, I was still the same ol' Vic, so think about your situation. Talk with your therapist again, see ehat they think of you unburdening yourself to those closest to you. It helped in my situation in that I felt free to live as I wanted to, and I wasn't going to live a lie anymore.

I still have depression, as I'm bound to as I'm bi-polar, but I don't go as far into the depths of despair as I used to. Letting others know about our diaper desires is NOT the best answer for all of us, especially if you live with your parents, but in MY case it worked in that people call me in advance if they're wanting to come by, so I can switch from cloth diapers to attends 10's that are nicely hidden under my jeans.

If you continue to suffer from those bottomless, black holes of despair you should definatley talk with a therapist.

Vic

[Baby D]

Yeah, I went through several years of depression and it took a lot of effort to climb back out of that hole. I'm glad every single day that I made that effort. When I went into that hole, I never had fun, I rarely talked, I didn't do anything and I was always feeling guilty about this side of me. Since that time has come and gone, I've spent more time being the person I've always been too afraid to be. I love my diapers and I love having fun. . . and I'm not going to let dark thoughts bother me anymore, they've wasted enough of my life as it is. I'm happy I'm even here after the trouble I went through and not dead. Suicide -- the darkest of the dark side.