Mental Block During Childhood

[Wolfloveraby]

Ok, I see a lot of how people on here developed their love of diapers and the AB lifestyle, but could it be possible that becoming an AB has nothing to do with the love of it at all? Could there be something in a person's mind that through trauma at an early age caused that mentality to carry on into adulthood until one realizes it and wants to try to let it out just to see if it will help him become more balanced in life? The reason I ask, is because even though I know alot of people went through the same things or at least something like it, I feel that through my past trauma, I sort of mentally put a block on the mind of the baby that I really was and sort of built a wall of false courage to be able to handle what I was going through. After what happened to me yesterday and the way I felt, my opinion on this was very much supported. Let's just say, for the first time in many years I caught a glimpse of what had been hiding in the back of my mind all these years. My false courage had stripped away and I was once again scared, small, and helpless as a small child. I felt fear for the first time as a baby would feel fear. Little by little each day, the wall I built up many years ago is coming down, and I am getting to see what it is I have been hiding all these years. With my incontinence and having to wear diapers already, I feel that this is my true reason for being an AB. From what started out as just a love for diapers creating the incontinence I now have to my own personal analysis of my mind, I have really gotten to know the deeper reasons of why I am what I am, and I really feel like it has no definition within the fetish aspect of this lifestyle. It is just who I am in my mind.

[bigbabbyblue75]

All i can say is how it is for me, first off i was dead when i was born was not breathing and my hart was not beating and they have to bring me back 3 times becuse of this my brain was hurt and the doctor told my mom that i would never read or right and she have to color code every thing for me. Well i a little better off then that i can read and right just not well as you can tell by this post i sure. Anyway now skip ahead to when i started school kindagarden i know i was not like the other kid that all know there ABC and could count higher then me but i never know why when i got in to the 1st grade i was soon so far behind the other kids the the teachers know some thing was wong my mom try to tell them but it was a small school and they just tought i was behind i gess so i was taken out of the class with all the other 1st graders and put in a class by my self be the only one with problems no other where in the class, i feelt so alone and unwanted i just want to go back to being a babby and stop all the pain i was feeling but i never told any one and i did not even tell my mom or dad becuse i feelt as if it was my failt no one want me around. there more but i cant think of it right now just typing this give me flast back and i shaking needless to say it was not fun.

Well i bock it all and i did not rember it untell i was 25 waching Tv and it hit me like a truck and i dont think i have unbock it all becuse i still get part of it to this day that i never rember befor and i get a big head ake ever time wether not this is some thing like what you where talking about i dont know but if it help any one it was worth the pain it tuck to right it.

Bigbabbyblue75

[Wolfloveraby]

Actually yeah, it is along the same lines of what I was trying to say. It's like because of all my troubles I went through I put a mental block. Now in times of stress, if my guard is down, I become more of the child that I blocked out. Not that I can't remember my childhood, just that I begin acting like that child without even trying to. Thanks! At least I know now I am not the only one who feels this way.

[Alex Nappy]

I don't think I was ever abused as a child, but I know I'm blocking out something.

I think it was probably to do with my parents splitting up, which must have been traumatic. I wish I had some way of watching over my past and understanding it.

[abdljoey]

I wish I had some way of watching over my past and understanding it.

Amen.

[Wolfloveraby]

I don't think I was ever abused as a child, but I know I'm blocking out something.

I think it was probably to do with my parents splitting up, which must have been traumatic.

The first thing that was traumatic in my life was when the state took me away from my birth parents. From then on it was one thing after another. At three I was with a foster mother who, because she couldn't stand it that I was a bedwetter, decided to put me back in diapers, and while doing so, she rubbed my private and kept asking me if I liked it and if it felt good. Then she did the same thing at the grocry store when she thought no one was looking, but when someone did see, she told them she was just checking to see if her big baby had wet himself. The last thing I recall her saying was that if I wet the bed again, I would be her big baby forever. Luckily, I was taken away from her the next year. Then when I was adopted, it started out ok until I was 11, then my adoptive father would only pay attention to me when he was beating me with a belt whether or not I deserved it. I've been looking into the whole thing of Adult Children of Alcoholics to see if I can find some answers that may help me. I'm doing this because until I was taken away from my birth parents, I was basically raised around alcoholics and gamblers so I think this may have something to do with my problem as well.

[sarah_ab]

Hi, so, i've been reading the posts here. I guess i just felt the need to add my two cents.

I think that perhaps for some people their desire, their need to be an ab at times could stem from some childhood trama. A feeling of wanting to be cared for, loved, protected are all essential needs in a child, and those who are denied these needs, often seek them out later in life, in whatever form they can. For some this means becoming an ab at times.

However, it is important to rememeber that for a great many of ab's and mommies and daddies out there, this is a sexual fetish. It is a form of submission for the ab, of domination for the 'parent.' It is about relinquishing control to someone else. For these ab's, while it may also help them fill an emotional void of knowing someone cares for them and they are safe with this person, it also fills the physical sexual need as well.

It is also important to remember that for a lot of those who enjoy this activity, it is simply that, an acitivity, a role play, to be engaged in on occasion, but it is not by any means their lifestyle, many do not want to be an ab all the time, for they lead full and engaging adult lives, and could not fathom the two intertwining.

I guess its just important to remember that there are essentially those who find this a sexual fetish and those who find it a way to soothe past hurts. Either way, i dont think it is possible to know the exact reason why any one of us enjoys what we do, just that we enjoy it and it is not harming anyone else. You can accept who you are, without ever having to know the reasonings behind it. Sometimes, things just are the way they are....

[FunTime]

Well said Sarah, I would completely agree with that. I see both sides of it and "understand" both or find them both to be "acceptable" ...

No one ever said that this was one sided, that's for sure!

I myself side with the sexual ones, but definitely understand how the A.B. life can be comforting ... I find it comforting sexually, so I can definitely see it as an every day release for others.

Personally, I wish it was known that there were options available with this (as there is with other fetishes ... someone who is interested in whips and chains doesn't mean they live that every day ... some do, others do not ... I don't think the same can be said about DL/AB's ... many believe that you're an AB and that's all.)

[edlomon05]

i can see a childhood incident causng this.

I remember clearly why I love this fetish, i used to hang out with a bunch of kids that worn them when i was 5 and it interested me, though i never tried to wear one and as i got older i just forgot about until it just came back to memory.

the human memory is a funny thing. also very powerful.

[Wolfloveraby]

No one ever said that this was one sided, that's for sure!

Yes, I agree that no one ever said that this was one sided. However, people who don't understand a person's past, but do know about the fetish part and are unaccepting of it, tend to classify even those who don't do it for sexual reasons under the fetish term. As I said in a previous post on this topic, I have been looking into a lot of websites dealing with Adult Children of Alcoholics. Also I have been looking into a great deal about the inner child. One thing that stands out in almost all the websites is that everyone (whether they choose to accept it or ignore it) has an inner child. Those who ignore it, however, usually end up with depression, co-dependancy, and/or BPD. I have just recently come to terms with my own inner child, and I feel that the only way to become healthy again is to accept it, become it, and then find a balance between my inner child and my adult life. This is why I am moving toward becoming an AB. The only thing that keeps me from doing this easily is because, I am afraid of rejection and fear public opinion. Therefore, as I have always done, I tend to become whatever it is the person I am with accepts whether or not it is something I like myself. What advice can someone give me besides everything I have heard before like "Be Myself" or "Just Do It" or even "You Shouldn't Worry About What Others Think"? How can I become the AB I feel I need to become?

[bigbabbyblue75]

I never realy thought about being a AB but i did role play a kid, one time in a RPG and had fun, i know about depression i have been that way most my life sece i was 5, and i never had a girl friend but not from a lack of trying. i did have some thing like one on line and it lasted 6 years untell she told me she did not have any more time for me(i think she got to close to me and was scared) this broke my heart, i was crushed and then 3 days later my dog die that i had sece the age of 13 (i know she was old and going to die but dont make it hurt less) i lost the two thing in the world that i love the most and fell it to a deep depression. I could not eat or sleep for 3 days all i did was lie in my bed untell like a flood gate i started crying,( i have not cryed in a very long time no even when was in 1st grade) and i let out all my pain. it just about killed me it hurt so bad, a week later i was looking up web site on space(i am ways learning, habbit from when i was younger think if i was as smart as the other kids i mite have a friend and space what i love most) I type in black hole and got a list porn sites i amost close it when i seen Teens in diapers, i never know there where others like and i did close but did a serach that night when no one was awake. i found this site and joined that night, i never told anyone my story befor not even my mom and dad so i posted it. that post and my break down(i dont know what else to call be in bed for 3 day but a break down) help me more then i could ever hope i'm happy not 100% yet but i happy! i have not been happy sece i was little kid. i dont know anything about inerchild but i do know dont hold inany thing all it dose is kill you a little each day and you dont want that take from me.

Bigbabbyblue75

[Wolfloveraby]

i dont know anything about inerchild but i do know dont hold inany thing all it dose is kill you a little each day and you dont want that take from me.

Bigbabbyblue75

As for inner child, if you would like to know more about it, you can do a web search on it and there are many articles on the subject and how to heal it. Also, there are many books they give reference to so that you can look for them and read about it. As for what you said about holding anything in killing you a little each day, that is exactly how I feel. Because I am scared of what others will think, I have to hide my inner child away from the public, and each time I do this, I feel like a little piece of me is dying very slowly. In fact, I wrote a poem in which one of the verses states:

The child is sick

and dies so slowly

as its' kept

so meek and lowly.

As more and more of it dies, I feel I am losing more and more of my true self. In fact one of the websites says that the inner child is indeed sometimes refered to as the true self. I just want to live again.

[DIAPERPHANTOM]

Some say, knowing and understanding your past is essential in choosing which roads to take in the future. I think it has more to do with not making the same mistakes twice, but it is a compelling concept to consider, regardless. I have at times been preoccupied with discovering my past and how it possibly influenced my desire to wear diapers. After many years, I've discovered an endless number of reasonable answers to the “Why

[Wolfloveraby]

Bonding with my inner child is the problem I'm facing. Yes I know that in order to feel whole we all have to be able to accept the child within. When I first put this post up, I never even knew about the inner child much less that we all had one. However, after a revealing experience that showed me that all this time I had basically been pretending to be strong and brave to face what I was facing and that there was an inner child in me that I had been refusing to accept. Now I have done a lot of research into it and found out a lot I never knew before, and so now my focus on this post has changed direction. No longer am I questioning why I became an AB, but now I am questioning how can I be what it is I know I am without fear of public opinion. I know I am an AB, and I do indeed have the strong urge to want to connect to my inner child to be whole again. One web page that I looked at said that one way to heal the inner child is to learn how to play by giving up the need to be mature and just playing as a child plays. Still, after many people I know have told me that I have to act my age and that I am not supposed to be acting like a child, I have developed a complex problem with being able to just be free to do so. Also this fear comes a lot from my overwhelming feelings of not wanting to be rejected and abandonded by those around me. I mean I know I have this website where you all do accept me, and it is some help to know that you all do. However, it would be much bigger help, I find, if I could somehow have others outside of cyberspace that would also accept me for who I am completely. Only then could I actually take the steps I need to in order to finally be alive throughout my whole complete self. "My spirit is sleeping somewhere cold, until someone finds it there and leads it back home". Some words from the song Bring Me To Life by Evanessence with a little revision to fit me.

[edlomon05]

my inner child and I are fine atm

though some may say I'm too intro my inner child as I'm 100% loner, its actually when I'm at my peak of success or at my best. if i work with others, my performance slows down.

[babykimmy25]

my inner child and I are fine atm

though some may say I'm too intro my inner child as I'm 100% loner, its actually when I'm at my peak of success or at my best. if i work with others, my performance slows down.

Wow this is a great post..I have thought time and time again why i'm like this and know i had a bad past..with sexual abuse and other abuse..But i'm now learning thats who i am (ab) I need to just let it be..I know i'm happy at those times alone in the house and being just a baby..the hard part is (secret part) That is what makes it hard..

[bignstinky]

hmmm ive never really believed in these inner child thingies and letting them out or whatever......i just believe if your body wants something it wont stop untill it gets it.....thus the depression you receive by holding this in...

[DIAPERPHANTOM]

Also this fear comes a lot from my overwhelming feelings of not wanting to be rejected and abandonded by those around me. I mean I know I have this website where you all do accept me, and it is some help to know that you all do. However, it would be much bigger help, I find, if I could somehow have others outside of cyberspace that would also accept me for who I am completely. Only then could I actually take the steps I need to in order to finally be alive throughout my whole complete self.

I don't necessarily concur that it will take personal acceptance in real life to become whole. To me that is risking too much; however, I do believe that to truly express yourself as a whole/complete person, you need a spouse and a mommy/playmate or any other combination there of in your life. The desire to satisfy your inner child is important, but you can't sacrifice all your adult needs to achieve this goal, it's not realistic, in my opinion. Finding balance and compartmentalizing your life is essential in finding acceptance in both worlds.

[babykimmy25]

I don't necessarily concur that it will take personal acceptance in real life to become whole. To me that is risking too much; however, I do believe that to truly express yourself as a whole/complete person, you need a spouse and a mommy/playmate or any other combination there of in your life. The desire to satisfy your inner child is important, but you can't sacrifice all your adult needs to achieve this goal, it's not realistic, in my opinion. Finding balance and compartmentalizing your life is essential in finding acceptance in both worlds.

[/qu

...More adult then baby... Cause baby play is when my daughter is at school and i don't have class... Then i indulge..but then go back to an adult..Going to get harder in the fall..But i do not wish to be baby 24/7 cause i do love adult things..Like having best of both worlds.. Example...Going out to late partys with friends.... or drinking apple juice out of a sippy cup in front of cartoons..Is cool like to keep the two..Even after i get my bladder fixed still will wear only when i want to be a baby love to let my inner child out..

[Wolfloveraby]

I don't necessarily concur that it will take personal acceptance in real life to become whole. To me that is risking too much; however, I do believe that to truly express yourself as a whole/complete person, you need a spouse and a mommy/playmate or any other combination there of in your life. The desire to satisfy your inner child is important, but you can't sacrifice all your adult needs to achieve this goal, it's not realistic, in my opinion. Finding balance and compartmentalizing your life is essential in finding acceptance in both worlds.

I am so sorry if I wasn't clear on my meaning. I understand that we cannot sacrifice our entire adult life, but I was reading a website that had five steps to healing your inner child and one of the steps is to learn how to play by going outside and just play as a child would play and give up the need to be mature. You are correct, however, in saying it still requires a perfect balance because they are saying that after all adult responsibilities are taken care of, it is ok to do this once in a while, but my fear stems from how the public refuses to allow me to not act my age even once in a while. All I ever hear is, "You're not a child anymore.", "You have to act your age.", "You're so immature." It is this that has given me the irrational thinking that it is not ok to once in a while give up maturity, and to heal my inner child I have to get past this.

[sarah_ab]

I am not sure where i stand on the whole 'inner child' issue, however i do belive it is vitally important for people of all ages to 'play.' Yet, there is a distinction between playing, and acting like a child. I work in a factory where i am one of the youngest there by at least ten years, yet i still find ways to 'play.' For example, after watching an episode of Roller Gurls on A&E, i made up the game where everyone at work got a roller gurl name, its turned into something we all do. I also made tee shirts for people with their roller gurl names on them and some funny quotes. To me this is a form of play, and is totally accepted by everyone.

In the winter, my friends and i would engage in snowball fights, making snow men, and helping the neighbor hood kids build killer forts. All of this play, yet again all socially accepted. To play does not necessarily mean one must sit in a sand box in a diaper with a tonka truck making noises... and if this is what you desire, but are afraid of public opinoin then i suggest your own backyard, or perhaps visiting the sand box at night.

It is important for everyone to accept who they are, but at the same time, one must keep in mind that not every aspect of their self will be seen as socially acceptable. There is nothing wrong with an adult going to a toy store, or a kids movie, and enjoying it. There is nothing wrong with an adult intentionally walking through a puddle on the way home, or throwing a snowball at a friend. I guess i'm just trying to say there are many many ways to 'play' as a child would, that are still seen as acceptable by society, and will not cause you to be judged in the harsh manner it seems you are afraid of.

[Wolfloveraby]

Ok, here's an example how judgemental people are around my town. I used to work the bingo games, and they have cops that would watch to make sure everything wnet smoothly. One time there was this cop who began to "play" with me by shooting a rubber band at me. When I attempted to "play" back by shooting it back, I was told that I really needed to act my age. So, here, in my town, even if there was enough snow to have snowball fights, even that would most definately be considered unacceptable.

Also, yes jumping into puddles is also looked down upon. There are so many people that are judgemnetal here, that there is no way to have fun at all, even if it does not include a diaper. To them fun is gambling, drinking, partying, and/or doing drugs, all of which is not my idea of fun. However, you are "not normal" if you try to have fun in any other way. Yes I know what many may say or maybe they won't. "Well maybe you need to move." Problem is I don't have the money or the way to move, so I have to find the next best thing, which is work on my fears and still live here until I can move. However, I will say one thing though. I have listened to what everyone has said they see me as so much, that I can't really see myself as a kid to be able to play unless I myself can see myself as a kid, meaning I have to dress the part to be the part.