What'S Wrong With Me?!

[ForbiddenFruit]

As is my custom, things slow for me, things calm down, and then everything must come to a head at once. I don't know why. It doesn't make sense. I don't think it ever will make sense, nor be different. It's just the way things must be for me.

This past month has been hard on me, between exams and assignments that I practically caved under (still awaiting results, praying I've passed), coming home from college to find everything feeling surreal (I miss my little freedoms, I find myself sleeping and eating at bizarre times, my summer plans keep being put off by 'one more day', it's been 2 or 3 weeks now...I can't even keep track of time), and my weight and gender problems being so hard to damn grasp and sort out.

Atop it all, I just feel like I'm not able to do things right with people at all. I ended up caught in a love triangle that was all my fault, between a boy I said I'd meet and someone I spoke to a lot online, met via the diaper thing as it happens. With the former, I just felt like we didn't fit. We couldn't communicate. His berserk button was an everyday topic for me, our outlooks clashed so much, and I was simply too messed-up for him to 'get'. But I guess that's what happens when two lonely gay guys enjoy chatting with one another.

About last December, we'd decided that we would meet in just over a year's time from now when I planned to do my travelling. I still want to do that, to give him what happiness I can, but we can't be an item because I'm unable to function with him. I'm a bent jigsaw piece. Won't fit with someone else. It was about a month ago that I realised that I loved him but I wasn't in love with him, the way I have been with the other person, my trans play-sis I met on /d/.

Before my exams started a few weeks ago I spoke to her about 'us'. We mutually decided (at her suggestion) we just stay friends, for now at least, maybe forever, because if we decided to go into a long-term relationship we'd be missing out on a lot. So now even though I'm loving friends with both (the former took it well, he said he sensed things just weren't working) , and I wouldn't trade either for the world, I just feel...not lonely, but, alone. It's like writing on paper 'I'm on my own again'.

But what's really hitting me is the way I've been reacting to everything that's piling up and not working and being put off and falling apart and not feeling right and changing. Over the past 2 weeks, I find myself growing increasingly snarky with a vast majority of people. I say things that I shouldn't damn well say in mind of good taste and only regret them after. My beneficially weak internal censor has practically given way entirely to total fucking idiocy.

I don't know what I'm supposed to feel, what I'm allowed to feel, what I'm entitled to feel. I mean, I've accepted that I'm different. I've accepted I'll never walk like a normal person, that I don't fit a gender binary, that I don't like girls as much as boys as a rule of thumb. I've accepted that I'm on my own again. I've accepted that there are people I met in university I'll never get to see again. But it doesn't stop it hurting.

I sometimes feel kind of rejected because of what happened (or, more accurately, what didn't happen) between me and my play-sis. But, like, I don't have the right to feel rejected. She was right, we can only be friends for now. I chose her over Danny because we understood each other better, I wanted to 'help' her (like I could help someone with bipolar...yeah right, realising that too was like a kick in the stomach telling me how naive I am), but I'd be lying if I said it wasn't also because we had the same fucking kink. How damn selfish could I be?!

I find it getting worse. I take a couple days' intervals between talking with either of them these days. I find myself pining over someone I knew in University and over the boy I was going to meet. Fancy that. Wanting someone who won't be there anymore (and was probably straight anyway) and someone I'm not compatible with. But why?! I don't know! Am I just looking for a fallback, just so I don't have to say "I'm on my own?" I find myself lusting over someone I RP with and someone I slept with years ago, said events being more or less swept under the carpet, pretending they never happened, on both our parts. When I was in Galway, I almost ended up writing my phone number into a bathroom stall door. I wrote down a number I found and ended up damn texting it. I don't know why I got these fucking stupid selfish whore ideas. I don't know if I'm just looking for anything or if I'm selfish or if I'm just being fucking stupid!!

I just don't know, I don't understand any more. Why is this happening? Why do I think the entire human race is letting itself turn to shit? Why am I not thinking before I say things to people?! Why is it that I get involved and hurt them? I don't like it, I don't want to hurt people. Oh, I can EXPLAIN some of the things I've let slip but I can't EXCUSE them, no, no. In the end I just feel disgusted with myself. I'm disgusted because I let my censor crumble to bits, because I let myself into a damn love triangle that wasn't fair on anyone else, because I've hurt people with words and then the regret decides to sink in when it's too damn late, because I do stupid things, because I'm gay, because I don't really understand what gender I am, because I'm a defective model.

I thought that things would get better when I finished for the year. But they haven't. Things have just kept scraping along and I'm regressing, I'm becoming a worse person.

I just want it to freeze, I want things to stop, I want to turn back time and wash it all away.

[Bettypooh]

Right now I can't say more than hang in there and to let you know that you have friends here who care. I'm not as well as I would like to be either- depression setting in again and me trying to fight it off. It isn't easy but if I don't handle it early it only grows- and it takes a lot of 'me' to keep myself going in times like this so I have less I can give others. Maybe I'll feel better later on today and say more. Till them take care of yourself and remember that you are always worth whatever effort it takes to be happy and feel good.

Bettypooh

[Elfy]

Hi FF,

I haven't seen you in chat for a while, I was hoping things were going well for you.

I can sort of understand your problem in that I went through them myself although in a much more condensed period of time and I was fortunate enough to go through it with my now partner.

I can imagine its a lot harder on your own having to go through all these issues and not have people you can vent to or anything.

All I can really say is there are people that care for you here such as me and fozzy who care about you and want to help.

Hope to be able to talk to you soon.

[Bonsai]

Do not pretend to be perfect and do not pretend others to be perfect, too. Be aware that it will always be a trial-and-error course, with plenty of setbacks.

Improvement, good thing; avoiding all potential mistakes, impossible.

Focus on what you do well and, at the same time, appreciate others for what they can give.

Good news is that you're not the only one fighting to find a balance so others in similar situations will generally have simpathy and understanding for you.

It's hard to be at ease with someone who has no weaknesses. It's instead a lot easier to feel affinity for someone that is struggling with our same problems.

The only thing that is not really acceptable is to behave like a coward in front of life and close yourself into a shell for fear of getting hurt. There are no alibies for that, so kick your ass out and try to fight your battles the better you can.

[ForbiddenFruit]

thank you for your support.

I'm going to keep dragging on, though between my own guilt over being lusting, regrets over words spoken too fast, and things on the rocks with my parents it'll be rough for a time. i quite honestly need to move on ever so slowly but more importantly sit, think, then just do something. I hope this clears up sooner rather than later before I begin panicking again.

[Elfy]

You may want to see a doctor about the panicing part because it seems like exactly what I suffer with. Where one worry gets turned into a huge mountain until it feels almost impossible to get through.

I was prescribed Citalopram which is an anti-depressant although I haven't got the medicine yet, knowing that I have help there is useful... And if I want it I can get therapy which I am considering.

Might be useful for you to tell the docotrs and see what they have to say?

[ForbiddenFruit]

Maybe...I'll have to think on it but as of right now I need to hand in this late thing. I bet I will relax a LOT more once that's sorted out. I'm very much sitting with a 'to-do list' and I've started the actual 'doing' part.

Even though help is available...I get the onus is on me now.

[BabySarahLauren]

There is nothing wrong with you. We are all "defective models" in one way and another. We all say and do things we wish we hadn't. Life can suck--really suck. So easy for me to say...but true. Also so easy for me to say: hang in there!

[Pangaea]

I'm new here, and I happened to run into this post. I know it's quite a late reply, but it could potentially still be helpful (to anyone)...

This sounds quite similar to how I feel, but I'm starting to get in a phase of dealing with it. I can't say for sure this is relevant for you, but it may be:

1. Don't seclude yourself. It's incredibly tempting and easy, but rarely a good thing in the long run.

2. Go do things! Even if you don't feel like it at that time. Make the choice to go do it, right away! You can introduce it slowly, start doing things only on saturday and take the rest of the week "off", when you begin, just make sure you follow your own rules. I always fall back into not doing things and I never end up enjoying them, and going out may be very enjoyable even if I didn't feel like it.

3. For me it helps to analyze every single negative thought. It's quite hard to do, because at every negative thought you must stop thinking about it and objectively look at your thought. But the more you start doing it the easier it gets. This information helped me out understanding how to think of my thoughts, and put things into perspective:

http://www.mindtools.com/stress/rt/CognitiveRestructuring.htm

I'm not sure if this is applicable to you, though.

The terrible thing about these problems (let's call it a "depression" for simplicity) is that it maintains itself. Reading this, you'll probably think: "No, I can't do those things," or "I can't be bothered," or "that won't work for me anyway," or whatever protection mechanism your brain developed to maintain it. I do it. The truth is, that helps effectively maintaining the problem. You CAN do it, it's very likely there's no physical reason whatsoever you can't, and you probably even know it. Except for your very depression trying to maintain itself. And if you stay inside, seclude yourself, and/or turn every thought into a negative one, it is going to maintain.

Maybe you should find help with it. It may not be an easy thing to do alone, but that depends on the person. And talking about it with a good professional helps most people who suffer from these problems.

I hope that helps somewhat. Either way, good luck...

[ForbiddenFruit]

My apologies to all for my negligence.

As regards to the main thing that was troubling me, it's been put to rest. I'll admit to having told a couple white lies to my parents (pretending the results weren't out until later, saying there must have been an issue with turnitin) but in the end all it took was an hour. It took me two months to sit down and finish what solely took an hour.

There are oher things occuring at home as of late, but I do feel some semblance of relief for the time being, so I'm going to just press on and keep trying to do things.

[Bettypooh]

Keep looking at your accomplishments and progress, however slow or fast it may be. Focusing on the positives will help get you through

Bettypooh