Dying Grandfather

[babyfur]

My grandfather is officially dying. He's been moved into hospice and given 2 weeks to live at the most. He has lung cancer which metastisized and spread to his lymph system his brain and just about everywhere else. I kept trying to deny it telling myself the chemo would work and just that there was no way cancer could bring him down he was just too damn tough but it's over. The last time I saw him I took the oppurtunity to get something off my chest: he's always tried to give us gifts like they made up for a lack of interest in our lives. they talked to my dad on the phone sure but, never once asked to speak to us. we saw them 1 maybe 2 times a year on christmas and thaksgiving and not at all any other time. I was very harsh towards him and now even though I want to apologize I don't think he'd even understand, since he's rarely lucid anymore. *sighs*

He was a navy man he took part in many missions incluiding operation deep freeze(the original not one of the following missions), the bay of pigs and many others. He eventually just settled into his place a s a welder and an excellent one at that. the navy flew him all over the world to do jobs that others would have found impossible. He told me about some jobs where he had to work using a mirror because the were was no room to stick his head in and see what he was doing. Supposedly he milled the first gun barrels for the battle ship texas too. He was pretty bad though too. He was a womanizer and a pool hustler, and an alcoholic. Brawler too. one time he got into a fight while drunk and it took 4 MP's to get him under control.

So raise a glass to John "Papa Mac" Mac Arthur saint and sinner, angel and demon, a fine man and a bastard, a man I both loathed and loved.

[packrat]

Babyfur:

I'm so sorry to hear of the bad situation. In these dark days celebrate his life and achievements. Don't dwell on the "shoulda, coulda, woulda's" Visit him often in hospice and don't for a minute believe that his subsiding lucidity suggests that he cannot hear and process some things. Speak to him and tell him how much he means to you. Obviously, even with few visits over your lifetime, he is a part of the fabric of you.

Be there for your mom or dad, for the loss to them is even more greatly measured. And, finally, as the day draws near for his passing quietly give him permission to leave this "mortal coil" and move on. I recall similar events twenty years ago with my own father's passing. It was as important for him as it was us. My prayers are with you. Godspeed.

[Bettypooh]

When death seems imminent you begin to clearly see your mistakes in life. I was close to there myself once but luckily or not, I survived. Try to forget the bad times and things and help ease your Grandfather's journey out of this world. You might not understand it at your age, but there is nothing more powerful than for someone to honestly tell you that they love you. Even if only for a while it can do more to ease pain than morphine. Hearing it and feeling it's power may be the only bright spot in your day. Be there for him so that when your time comes those who love you will be there for you.

I'm not one of those who overlook the bad things about someone when they die, I simply choose not to voice them. None of us is perfect, we've all intentionally hurt someone in life(even if it was deserved), and reality is our best teacher. Of those who I've loved and lost, some were not very good people, yet they all went out of their way for me on occasion without expecting anything in return. Sometimes I knew why they turned out the way they did, sometimes not. One of my own granddad's was a womanizer, a drunk, and very nearly a pedophile with girls who had just barely reached puberty. He was a cheat, hateful of anyone not like him, and a total fool. Yet he was still my Granddad, without whom I wouldn't be here today so I owed him at least that much respect even though I didn't like him. He passed quickly and unexpectedly but the last words I said to him when I last saw him were "I love you Grandpa". He didn't seem to care but I had to say it hoping that someday he might understand how he affected others and maybe change at least some of his ways.

I cannot choose my relatives but I can choose to respect family. I choose to ease anyone's passing when I can because I was so nearly there myself that I understand life and the value of love and concern for each and every human being. I go out of my way to let them know that someone cared and still does even if I never expressed it before, because when that time comes there's nothing else left for you here on earth. It's the only comfort you have to cling to and hopefully carry you onto whatever may be next. In the end, nothing else really matters but love. Pass it on.

My condolences to you and those who will be affected by his passing.

Bettypooh

[DiaperBoyKR]

Babyfur,

The only thing that I can tell you is that I'm truly sorry to hear about your grandfather. Whatever his relationship with you was in the past, he's still your grandfather, and as such there will be a link between you and him. I would strongly recommend that you go to visit him, especially after what you had said to him before. If you feel a desire to apologize, DO IT. If he dies, and you haven't it will tear you up, and mess you up for quite awhile. Trust me, I speak from experience. I have a close uncle who died this year, who I hadn't gone to visit in over a year even though I lived only about 15 minutes away from where he lived. I didn't go to see him before I went to Korea. When he died, I was so upset that I had to take a few days off to deal with it. Now I'm looking at the fact that my grandmother may die before I make it home at the end of the month.........I do not want to go through losing a loved one like that again.

I encourage you, for both your sake and his, go to visit him before it is too late. It was probably good to say what you needed to say before, but now you need to talk to him again. It will ease you, it may help this last bit of time for him, and make the inevitable grief that will come when he passes easier.

[babyfur]

Thanks, I did go to see him. I'm just frustrated and angry and a lot of things. the worst is this damned feeling of helplessness. I hate the fact that I can't help him that I can't take the pain away or heal him or anything. I've made my peace with him and we talked a little. It feels like a bad dream almost he was always so strong and now I'm afraid to touch him he's so weak and thin I feel like if i tried to hold his hand or hug him or anything he'd turn to dust or break or something. I kep telling myself it's a nightmare ill wake up and then ill be able to laugh about it the next day.