Have You Boys Been A Girl?

[DiaperBoyKR]

All righties, here we go, and I cannot seriously believe that I am about to post this. This is a side of me that I have never discussed with anyone aside from one of my closest friends, and she's a character in herself.

Thank you Abrera, Sophie and Betty for your stories here on the thread. They were fairly inspiring to me, and the main reason I'm posting this now. This is probably going to take me a little bit to write though to get it right.

This subject has been one that I've struggled with seriously for many, many years, basically since the time I have become sexually aware (14 or 15). It's actually been a bigger bother to me than my tendancy to wear diapers, for a reason I'll get into in a minute.

Essentially, I don't know where I am. Anatomically speaking, I am a male. I enjoy alot of male activities (i.e. watching/occiasionally playing sports, RPG's and War Games, reading war related fiction, watching porn, etc.). I have always self-identified personally to others as male. I am a "male's male" in terms of body shape (naturally), body hair, and musculature base. In no way is my body feminine. I don't even think on my best day could I ever disguise it from what it is. I have a fair amount of weight....close to what a smallish NFL lineman would have . In all honesty, and without trying to brag, I'm also, um, fairly well-equipped.

As a teenager, I always wanted to wear my mom's clothes. When my folks weren't at home, I would try on Mom's stuff. I could never fit into her actual clothes, but then I was considerably smaller than I am now, and I could wear her swimsuit, panties, and occaisionally try on her bras and such. They always came off within a few minutes, but oddly, it was never sexual, but it always made me feel better. It seemed more me for some reason. I also never really had any particular interest in girls as a teenager either. Part of that was that I was homeschooled, so I never really socialized with girls on my day to day life. The other part was that I just wasn't really interested in sex or relationships as a teenager, period. That didn't really hit until I was about 16 and by that time I was headed to college anyway. I had 3 really close friends in my teenage period who I'm still close friends with. One was a guy (who I consider a brother, we're that close) and the other was a girl. I loved hanging out with both of them, but I used to have long rambling conversations with my girl friend, and felt more at ease around her at times. I don't know how to explain it.

Everything got complicated about the time I started going to college. That was when I started getting sexually interested in people. But the problem was that I was interested in guys. In and of itself, that wasn't too much of a problem. What was wierd was the fact I wasn't drawn to them as a guy. Whenever I would have fantasies, I would imagine myself as a woman. Not on purpose, it was just the way they came. What drove that, to this day I don't know. When I started exploring the internet, I created a female persona and used that for the longest time. In chat, I would pretend to be a female cause that was the way I felt and the way I was attracted. I felt really conflicted about this though. I thought I was a freak, and insane, and scared to death that anyone else would find this out about me. I didn't want to talk to my parents about it. I didn't want to talk to a shrink about it. I didn't want to talk to my friends about it. So I shut it down except through my internet life.

I started gaining alot of weight around this time. My mom put it down to other things that were going on in our family life at the time (Dad had recently come out of the closet, and had left the family), and I let her think that. To be honest, to this day I haven't really made any effort to take it off. I think that the main reason that I haven't is because that subconscious the weight has kept me from pretending that my body is any way a woman's. I'm as afraid of that side as I am of anything. I'm afraid of what letting it out could do to my family, and to me. I'm fairly sure my Dad would be accepting of it, but my mom is fairly religious, and I don't know how it would affect her.

In college I had a lot of friends, but they continued to be a mix of girls and guys. My closest friend in college, I wanted badly to be my boyfriend. But again, it was never in a gay sense if that makes any sense at all. I wanted to be his girlfriend. I had a number of dreams of living life together with him. It was wierd and wierded me out bad. A few years ago, when he started dating a girl seriously (with intents of getting married), I was seriously jealous for about a month. I started experimenting sexually, always with guys, but always as a bottom. I could never really get myself into a top role. I had a serious boyfriend my junior year of college, but the relationship wasn't really satisfying to me, and fell apart by the end of the year.

I've only had two relationships since then, both of them with girls that I was real close friends with, and we sort of merged into a relationship. They were never sexual, and both ended fairly badly.

I've long wanted to start a family. But its wierd, because I never wanted to be the father. I wanted to carry the kids, badly. I wanted to give birth to them, to nurse them, to change their diapers, to hold their hands, to take them to school, to see them grow up. This has only gotten worse in the last few months as I've been teaching Kindergarten.

To me another weird part is the way of thinking. In many ways, I'm over emotional about things. But I almost automatically override that with temper and anger. In alot of ways I'm a typical male when it comes with thinking. I don't do subtlety very well, and the way that women think about things seems completely bonkers to me. But I feel more comfortable when I can talk about things with someone about problems. I am rarely confrontational, voice objections in a roundabout way, but let loose in my writing and blogs about things. I've nearly always kept a diary or something similar for a vent for my emotions.

I've never bought any female clothes for myself. Mostly for what I said before of where I'm afraid of where it will go. The closest I've ever come to sissy wear is a pink onesie. Mostly because when I've thought of myself that way its been as an adult woman. As a baby ironically, I'm always a boy, or neuter gender. I've shaved my body hair a few times, and it felt great, not just because of the physical way it felt, but because it felt "right" to me. I've long wished that I didn't have the gender parts that I do because of the way I felt. When I was a teen, I prayed for a gender switch even though I knew it would never happen. I got into diapers as an adult partly because I remembered my diaper desires from when I was a preteen and wanted to try it again, and partly because they reminded me of the ladies undies that I so wanted to wear but couldn't buy openly as a guy. Quite honestly, even out of diapers, if I could find panties that would find me comfortably, those would be my undies of choice, not briefs or boxers.

Like I said before, I've never talked about this before except with my one friend, and that was one time, late at night, after a long night of watching anime together. Despite all the time that I spent with her, and as close of a friend as she is, I never saw her in a sexual light, just as a good friend that I could bounce ideas off of, share time together, laugh with, and (as my interest in guys grew) look at boys with.

Recently, my spirituality has really grown. I believe in God, and I believe in Christ as my personal Savior. To some degree I had wondered if that would change things sexually. It hasn't. I've seen the way God has worked in my life, and I love Him for what he has done for me. But I don't know what to do. I really don't. I have friends at church, and once again, they're mostly girls. Given my history, I'm afraid of where things will go. This is a really really scary time for me overall. I toyed with answering this thread for nearly a week now. I needed to get this off my chest, but I was afraid of what it would mean.

There it is. I've outed myself in this regard on a public forum. To some ways I feel alot better, and at the same time worried about what could happen if someone I know sees this. Silly I suppose given that its on a diaper site, but there it is.

Thanks for listening to my long-winded post........I know I have a tendancy to post overlong....I hope I don't kill the thread....

[Saschadzg]

I think that the main reason that I haven't is because that subconscious the weight has kept me from pretending that my body is any way a woman's.

There are a lot of overweight women and they are not less female and do not become male through their weight. The modells of the fashion industry are a way to suppress women and make them feel guilty for their natural forms.

Kvetinka

[DiaperBoyKR]

There are a lot of overweight women and they are not less female and do not become male through their weight. The modells of the fashion industry are a way to suppress women and make them feel guilty for their natural forms.

Kvetinka

I know.....it just seems to me that that might be a subconscious reason I have done it. Like I said before, I have tried not to dwell on this kind of stuff too much, and I've been trying to change that lately.

[Saschadzg]

Hi,

When I recently visited an exibition of the French painter Auguste Renoir, I gained a lot of confidence as a stable woman. Body image is subject to zeitgeist.

Kvetinka

[DiaperBoyKR]

Zeitgeist? Correct me if I'm wrong, but that translates to "Time ghost" (my German's a little rusty). What does that mean? I've honestly never heard the term before.

Thanks for your insights Kvetinka

[diaperedbaby]

One thing for sure, once you shave everything, I think it would be hard to go back.

I would say I am more feminine now than being male.

[Baby Bethany]

Zeitgeist? Correct me if I'm wrong, but that translates to "Time ghost" (my German's a little rusty). What does that mean? I've honestly never heard the term before.

Thanks for your insights Kvetinka

DiaperBoyKR,

The word Zeitgeist kind of means the outlook or generaly held view of a paticular time and place. Sort of the 'Spirit of the moment' kind of thing, rather than a scary Spirit.

Ghost in German is 'Gespenst' (I think I've spelt that right!! )

Beth

[DiaperBoyKR]

Thanks Beth! Like I said, my German's rusty, haven't practiced it in many years now. Since posting, I've made some personal decisions I've kinda been avoiding/putting off. Im hoping that they will help to ease my mind up a bit.

KR

[Princess Alice]

It's odd discussing this, since this is something that is still very private to me outside my interactions on this site.

I think there were a couple of incidences of this during moments that I can think of in realising that I had a DL fetish over my teenage years. While I'm most certainly a guy, and am (mostly) secure in this fact, there are elements of the sissy scene that tickle my senses, something for further experimentation, if you will.

My issue lies in that I have no idea how to approach this, I still live with an almost paralyzing fear of being found out, and I will admit here that I've never been in a serious relationship in my life, so I find myself at 21 with no idea of how to discuss sexual stuff with either gender. Sure, I could meet up with a AB or DL with the intention of exploring myself further, but I have next to no idea what to say or do, or even how to react.

While I like to think that I'm not confused over this, and act like a typical computerguy in my social group (and If I do end up speaking in private to a female, I usually admit that I'm really no good in social situations), I think deep down, there's still a part of me that's not sure about myself.

[back2kindy]

My issue lies in that I have no idea how to approach this, I still live with an almost paralyzing fear of being found out, and I will admit here that I've never been in a serious relationship in my life, so I find myself at 21 with no idea of how to discuss sexual stuff with either gender. Sure, I could meet up with a AB or DL with the intention of exploring myself further, but I have next to no idea what to say or do, or even how to react.

i can definately relate to you there bud

though with sissy stuff, its only been very recent that i've felt a desire to be forced femmed, though i think deep down its always been there.

all week i've been fantasizing about being absolutely raped by a woman. kinda scary

[Inco24/7]

well after reading all the posts here from others Ive decided to post my own take on this. Trust me its took some courage to do hence the time lack in me doing this !! lol.

Ok well here goes.......... Have I ever been a girl ??. yes I have but I think the question I need to answer is more am I a girl ??.

Thats the one I dont really know :S. I like a lot of you here have had a bit of a troubled childhood and didnt have many friends. Those I did were 99% of the time girls. I dont know why I just find I can relate to girls better. As for the dressing part. Yes Ive done it on a number of occasions and do find that girls/womens clothing appeals in some ways more to me than mens. I mean choice is almost infinate right ?? lol. I dont wear underwear now as im totally incontinent so im in nappies 24 hours a day regardless now, but if given the choice of which underwear to pick Id have to say womens again. Mens undies, whats the choices?? pants or boxers ......... thats it !!. At least with womens youve got, French knickers, normal brief style knickers, thongs etc... then you have style. Cloth, silk, etc.. I definately like the feel of silk and did like thongs on the few times I was able to try them. Also even though im in nappies find skirts and dresses easier to wear and they give a lot more choice, and of course make changes a lot easier to do !! lol.

On a more serious note though, there is without a shadow of doubt a feminine side to me peronality and indeed to me.I Side I call Lucy. I cant explain it, nor fully understand where it came from, all I know is its there, like a stamp burnt into my brain. The more I try to ignore it the more it niggles at me to get out. Its just stupid things like being out and about and seeing a slim girl wearing a nice skirt, top and boots and not thinking like I should PHWOARRR !! I wouldnt mind a rumble in her haystack !!. Ill be jealous of her body and her clothes and think things like... "Bitch....... thats sooo not fair !! how come you can get away with a skirt that short and I cant !! and how can you get a figure like that and no matter how much praying to messiah I do I havent a hope in the world of achieving a figure anywhrere near it !!" and so on. Im not a feminine guy looks wise at all. God knows I wish I was at times and could pull the look off as I probably would a lot of the time,but alais Im 6ft tall, size 12 (UK) in footwear which makes finding girls or womens boots that fit me a total nightmare !! im about a size 18 -20 in womens clothes if not bigger (havent bought any in a while now). and lets just say the hair up top is getting rather thin. So lets sum that up ?? Im a fat balding guy thats tall and has bigger feet than the jolly green giant !!. Any chance of passing as a girl ?? yeah !! about as much chance as a snowball in hell !!. I hate the way I look and try to do all I can to make it better but nothing seems to work . Which brings me back to the dressing part........... as I said Ive done it in the past on a number of occasions and when I did I found my personality totally changed as if someone else was in the driving seat controlling my body and the way I felt. Yes it was still me and I knew it was me, but suddenly I was full of life, bright bubbly and full of energy, rather than the usual tired out bring drab old me that is usually there. There was only 1 drawback to it. I had a mental image in my head of how I should look dressed, again almost imprinted into my brain and the reflection in the mirror when I looked was not even close, sure I tried using makeup etc.... etc.... new wigs and so on, but nothing worked, which is why for the past year or so I fought like mad to supress my feelings and not let them out as the image staring back said only 1 thing to me . Man In Dress........... It depressed me that much I sat and cried for nigh on an hour last time I tried to make it work so have vowed not to let it happen again.

My problem is it runs that deep in me that its sooo hard to fight at times !!. I mean I have if you like an extreme burning desire to have breasts, sure ive used forms in the past but they arent part of me and definately do not feel right because of that reason. I dont know why I want them so bad I just do, its as if having them would somehow make me complete ?? if that makes sense to any of you ??

all I know is these thought are there, thats it. Why is anybodys guess. I have TG friends online and 1 or 2 ive met in real life that all relate to me as a girl and say in some respects although I dont physiclly look like a girl mentally I am one ?? is this true ?? Im not sure. Now I am wearing nappies 24/7 and with helpful comments from others here on how to deal with being this way I have turned to trying the AB side of things along with my wifes consent and help . Its helped things in a lot of ways. 1. my need to be in nappies and my acceptance of being in them. 2. my femme side to some degree as my wifes admitted having me as an AB girl to her is far easier and better that way as she has found its a lot easier to find AB sissy/girls clothing than it is AB boys. Theres just more of it and a better selection.

Its good for me also as I get to in a roundabout way release some of my femme side, so it all works out pretty good .

Sorry for the ramblings on in this post but Ive never been good at expressing my inner feelings into words or as prooven here into text !!. Hope it reads ok and that most of you who read this can either relate to it or understand what I meant by it all

IF (and Ill be amazed if theres any takers on this !!) any of you would like to see pics of me dressed both as AB and as not to make your own decisions on the points ive raised in this post please PM me and Ill be happy to share them with you

All the best to you all and hope to chat again soon

Hugs Inco xx.

OH almost forgot !! lol the strapon comment ?? well Ill try anything once !! lol never had it done ............. yet but if it ever came about ......... well Im sure u can figure the rest out !! lol

[Saschadzg]

Zeitgeist? Correct me if I'm wrong, but that translates to "Time ghost" (my German's a little rusty). What does that mean? I've honestly never heard the term before.

Thanks for your insights Kvetinka

Hello DiaperBoyKr,

My Webster´s says:

Zeitgeist (German time spirit) The trend of thought and feeling in a period.

King George II founded the German University of Göttingen (Georgia Augusta).

Kvetinka

[Princess Alice]

Having an evening to think about this, I realise it's more about conquering fears than anything else. I mean, I can only develop social skills by being social, so perhaps I have to bit the bullet and just talk to someone (in person) about it.

[Baby Bethany]

It's odd discussing this, since this is something that is still very private to me outside my interactions on this site.

My issue lies in that I have no idea how to approach this, I still live with an almost paralyzing fear of being found out, and I will admit here that I've never been in a serious relationship in my life, so I find myself at 21 with no idea of how to discuss sexual stuff with either gender. Sure, I could meet up with a AB or DL with the intention of exploring myself further, but I have next to no idea what to say or do, or even how to react.

I can relate to how you feel. When I was around your age I also had that fear of being found out, especialy by my parents or a gf. I didn't want anyone to find out about my liking for baby stuff, or girls clothes........the very thought of it was terrifying!!

It sounds to me (and I may be completely wrong) that you're a bit sheltered and maybe a little shy with regards to your sexual side.......would that be right? If so, I think you maybe need to learn more about your sexual likes and dislikes, and perhaps learn to open up about things sexual (keep it simple, vanilla stuff). Being inexperienced sexually isn't a problem, we all started somewhere. Once you're in a relationship you can learn together.

What appeals to you about meeting other AB/DLs? Is it because you would feel more comfortable talking to them about this, pretty much as you're talking to us now? Or do you mean you want to attend an actual party (dressed up) and explore this side of you?

Beth

[Baby Bethany]

I cant explain it, nor fully understand where it came from, all I know is its there, like a stamp burnt into my brain. The more I try to ignore it the more it niggles at me to get out. Its just stupid things like being out and about and seeing a slim girl wearing a nice skirt, top and boots and not thinking like I should PHWOARRR !! I wouldnt mind a rumble in her haystack !!. Ill be jealous of her body and her clothes and think things like... "Bitch....... thats sooo not fair !! how come you can get away with a skirt that short and I cant !! and how can you get a figure like that and no matter how much praying to messiah I do I havent a hope in the world of achieving a figure anywhrere near it !!" and so on. Im not a feminine guy looks wise at all.

I totally can relate to that. When I was younger I would look at a girl and think wow, she looks great.......what a great skirt or sweater, I love those shoes lol. And like you, I got really jealous that I couldn't look that good in those same clothes. It was extra bad if I actually found that skirt in a store, and then found it only went up to a size 14 or something. I've always been fascinated by girls clothes, as you say they have a huge choice of styles compared to us guys. I've also always been fascinated by the way they use make up, do their hair.....things like that.

I'm more of a CD not a TG, so some of our other members can probably advise you better. However I don't mind seeing your fem photos (especialy the AB ones) maybe I can give you some pointers!!

Beth

[Baby Bethany]

Wow, I think the best thing about this thread is that so many of you are opening up about your girly side for the first time. I mean we don't seem to have any problem saying "I wear a diaper" but many of you still find it hard to say you like your girly side.

Nice to see you opening up a bit, it's good to tell someone else isn't it!!!

Beth

[Princess Alice]

It sounds to me (and I may be completely wrong) that you're a bit sheltered and maybe a little shy with regards to your sexual side.......would that be right?

This would be correct.

What appeals to you about meeting other AB/DLs? Is it because you would feel more comfortable talking to them about this, pretty much as you're talking to us now? Or do you mean you want to attend an actual party (dressed up) and explore this side of you?

To be honest, it's about getting away from my social circle and where I live, since this isn't something I especially want to share with them. By being somewhere else, I can feel more free to try new things like this. At the moment, I would like to keep the usual me and the DL me a width apart (Although, I will admit to stealth buying some nappies while I was in halls last year and wearing them. I could do that here, but it would be harder to hide). A full AB/DL party might be pushing it a little, though.

[DiaperBoyKR]

Wow, I think the best thing about this thread is that so many of you are opening up about your girly side for the first time. I mean we don't seem to have any problem saying "I wear a diaper" but many of you still find it hard to say you like your girly side.

Nice to see you opening up a bit, it's good to tell someone else isn't it!!!

Beth

Definitely true Beth. I know it seems wierd, that we can say we love to wear diapers, which is in itself socially unacceptable, but we can't say that we're men who in many ways wish we weren't. I think part of it has to do with the fact of how ingrained and deeply personal gender identity is, and how confusing it is to be getting mixed signals from our own bodies and brains. Like I said before, I've been dealing with it for more than 10 years now, since i was a teenager, and I try to avoid it because it scares me. On the bright side, I've used some of the lessons I've learned with dealing with the diapers to my own identity issue too. Its been an interesting few days, let me tell you. I'll tell you what, saying what I did out loud (in a way) helped A LOT. I'm planning on talking with my Dad about this while I'm at home (he's gay and really involved in the LGBT community so I think hed be a sympathetic ear). Doubt I'll officially out myself though to anyone else.

[Princess Alice]

7 days to go for me till I go to my universities LGBT group to chat with them. I feel proud for finally having the courage to look into this.

I wish you good luck!

[DiaperBoyKR]

I talked to my Dad today over the phone about this. There was none of the yelling, screaming, or lecturing that I was afraid of (and probably that would have come out of my mother). His only response: "Why didn't you tell me sooner?" I suppose I should have known better.....he's extremely active in the LGBT community. I was already going to visit him in Boston over my vacation, and he's going to introduce to me to some of his friends who are transgendered. I'm really excited, and can't wait now. I've been feeling much better in recent days.....in fact I've been so excited, that I have barely been able to sleep for 2 out of 3 nights!

[Saschadzg]

@DiaperBoyKR

They have the singer Harisu in Korea with TS background. She is one of the positive examples.

Kvetinka

[Baby Bethany]

DUE TO WETTING MYSELF I AM A SISSY NOW FORCED BY MY WIFE WHO HAS SHAVED MY BODY HAIR OFF, MAKES ME WEAR PANTIES,BRAS,SLIPS,PANTYHOSE,NIGHTGOWNS AND DIAPERS ME EVERY NIGHT AND MAKES ME WEAR PLASTIC PANTIES. SHE SPANKS ME ABOUT ONCE A WEEK TO REMIND ME WHO IS BOSS.SO I AM FORCED TO BE A GIRL UNDER MY CLOTHES. THOUGHT YOU MIGHT ENJOY THAT.

I spoke to your wife earlier and she told me that she does no such thing, and that she just puts your wet pants in the washing machine!

Beth

[Yvhuce]

While I was in collage, I was also living at my grandparents' house (following a fight with my dad [physical fight caused by one too many shoves by him of me into a wall]). They didn't really care about my diapers as long as I didn't just leave them laying around or anything and I usually just spent my time resting up after doing my laundry, so it's not like I was actually wearing them anywhere other than the second story room (only one room up there). I remembered being taught in gradeschool about how in old times young boys would have to wear dresses until they were out of diapers, as it was apparently easier to change them. Now, I have a natrually strong sense of curiosity about some things... And there were some of my grandma's old dresses and skirts in the closet by the bed. So, I tried one on. Didn't really do anything for me, other than make it a little easier to change myself than if I'd been wearing shorts or pants. So, I crossed that off the list of stuff I'm curious about. Sorry if that's not very exciting, but it's as far as my curiosity extended and it turned out to be something I'm not particularly into.

[DiaperBigBoy]

Sometimes I think like a girl, because I hang out with so many girls. but I would never want to be one. how can you keep thinking all the time?

[diaperpt]

I've just reread this thread...amazing! There is such a range of people represented here...from the "What the hell is wrong with you??? Why don't you just wear a diaper like us normal people..." to those who are tormented by their lack of gender integrity to those who have managed to figure it all out and deal with it. I know I can't express that correctly and while I'd like to be able to, those of us who don't go through it, cannot possibly understand completely.

I know I have a 'girly' side but just as I hide my diaper side for the sake of maintaining my 'normal' life, I've kept that girly side hidden as well. In my earlier post I mentioned my thing for girls gym suits, panties, etc. I'd abandoned tighty-whiteys for men's bikini style briefs because they were closer to girl's undies. From regular pj's I went to a night-shirt for a long time because it was closer to a night-gown, yet all of this still within the 'acceptable' range of male clothing.

My point now is that wrapped up in this discussion I see a growing awareness among men who feel a girly side to any extent at all. I had always suppressed my feelings - as many even now feel they must. The difference is that I think, as time passes, the growing awareness of others who feel this way give younger guys a little more courage to explore this side and deal with it.

I can't help but wonder what might have happened to me - and others of my age - had this awareness and openness (relative, of course) been around as I grew up...if I'd had the internet to look out at... I am fortunate - very fortunate - not to have the extreme feelings of being in the wrong body, of having been a mistake. Still, I wonder how things might have been different for me if I'd been more free to understand that there is a huge range of people out there...that there is nothing wrong with people being who they were born to be, even if they are female in a male body, a male who feels better about himself being able to feel closer to females in general relationship, and all the other situations described so well in this thread.

Oh, don't get me wrong...I understand completely how difficult it still must be for people who have gender issues. The nice thing - if there is a nice thing - is that we have places to go where these issues can be talked about...where we can feel we are at least understood and accepted for who we are...aupported in our feelings, etc.

Hopefully all this will continue to improve over time so that at some distant point in the future, the full spectrum of gender will be understood and accepted... that men who explore their girly side or women who explore their manly (or boyish) side will not be ridiculed... and that those who need to adjust their bodies physically, chemically or otherwise in order to find integrity will not be considered sick freaks.

And so, thanks, thanks, thanks for this thread!

diaperpt