Dissociation, Age Regression Or Age Play?

[special lil kitty]

This is something that I have been afraid to discuss with my psych. It’s not just ‘liking to play a baby’ for me.

I have heard all these terms applied here. My understanding is that regression and age play are voluntary and dissociation is often not voluntary and can involved different personalities.

Now, Dissociate identity disorder seems different in that they ‘are’ different personalities. With what happens to me, something of “I

[Saschadzg]

– at that time they told my real mom that I was ‘living in a fantasy world and emotionally I’d never be more than 12 or 14 years old’.

Hello lil kitty,

In my last medical report from the psychosomatic hospital they wrote: "The patient is childish and infantile. I had an argument with my doctor and psychologist and that was the result.

Babygirl Kvetinka

[Codymoogle]

Interesting read and good topic.

People who know me know that I'm a literal "big baby" - I'm very juvenile and I'm literally of toddler/child mind, when people are seeing the real me.

Most of the time, when I need to act big, I hide myself and repress most of my feelings and thoughts, and if I can't repress everything, I repress the severity of my emotions.

I'm an AB - "Advanced Baby", as opposed to "Adult Baby". If you don't know what an "advanced baby" is, look it up on yahoo, you'll come across http://www.toddlertime.com as the first result. Basically, I'm a baby/young child in an adult body, with the skills of an adult (for example, being intelligent/coordinated enough to use a computer, type properly, carry on an advanced conversation, etc) because of the life experience I've had trying to grow up the first time. This came from being abused, it caused me to not be able to mature emotionally.

People may think I'm crazy but I'm not. I'm just a lil one trapped in an adult body. If anyone has any questions for me, pease ask okie?

- C.J.

[Saschadzg]

I'm an AB - "Advanced Baby", as opposed to "Adult Baby". If you don't know what an "advanced baby" is, look it up on yahoo, you'll come across http://www.toddlertime.com as the first result. ..........People may think I'm crazy but I'm not. I'm just a lil boy trapped in an adult body. If anyone has any questions for me, pease ask okie?

- C.J.

Hello mooglelove,

Toddlertime is an excellent resource. I am a little girl trapped in an adult woman´s body. I would love to find the magigal spell to become young.

Babygirl Kvetinka

[special lil kitty]

This is very helpful, thank you.

here is something that I wrote a while back:

Twin souls evolving around each other, bound so tightly that they almost became a singularity of being – this was what me and my father were. Our experiences could not be separated, could not be torn one from another. With him I was safe. This is not a story of abuse, although it has its own particular sadness but rather of two people bound from the beginning through illness, suffering, physical pain and the constant threat of death – of eternal separation.

The threat did not separate us at all. It never distanced us from one another. It only drew us in closer, dependant on each other in a way that I thought that if he ever passed away that I would soon follow as well.

So, when I am asked, was there trauma in my childhood, the answer is of course, ‘yes’ but it is not the trauma that I’m most often used to hearing. He never touched me inappropriately – he wouldn’t have. In fact, he never hurt me in any way. He never once lifted a hand to me.

In 1971, I was born. To some it was tragic that my mother had not aborted me. She had been advised to. During her pregnancy with me, something went wrong with the gas heater and when she was found she was in a coma. She remained in a coma two weeks. She was told that I would be born a vegetable. I wasn’t although I was born with a hip deformity. She and my Dad were told that I would be in a wheel chair all my life. About this, as about me being a vegetable, the Drs Where wrong.

I’ve been told that the news distressed my mother and that she did not interact with me. My grandparents made an action to legally adopt me but my father wanted to keep me – his little monkey – he didn’t care if I might never walk – or talk. These things were just unknown. I was his baby, never my mothers. In this sense he carried me. Not just emotionally, but everywhere with him. He fed me. He changed me. I slept beside him at night for years. When I was not with him, I was with my grandmother.

But, I never crawled. My father carried me as I had braces on my legs and halfway up my back. There was no ability to be apart from him. Eventually, out of belief in me, he became frustrated. As I understand it, one day he decided that as long as I had the braces, I would never learn to walk, so he started trying… over time he was able to get me to wobble about.

My mother was always a distant person to me but I do not feel I missed her any more than someone who has went through I divorce. She was there – in that time I don’t know exactly how much. I have no early memories of her. My earliest memory of her is much later, on the phone, pushing me away. In her own way she was coping with another tragedy then – I know – more on that later.

1975, my grandmother had a stroke. This had a big impact on me. I was there. She had been upset with me over something that I cannot recall. She went to the bathroom and the next thing I knew she was crawling out on her knees. She threw up and collapsed. My brother mike was there. He called 911, I recall it clear as day and can see it plain as a waking nightmare, while I sat with her whipping her face and telling her I was sorry.

The next time I saw her I could not understand what had happened at all. She was in ICU with her hair shaved off and head partially bandaged. My father lifted me up and I sat on the bed by her. I tried to show her my pretty little gold hoops daddy got me but she did not respond. They took me outside and told me she was dying, and that she was asleep. I didn’t understand as she did have her eyes open and blink but her face was blank. She did not die. I did not leave her in heart either. I would watch after her much of my life. She was mine like my dad was mine. I would be the only one capable of translating for her to adults because of the way that her speech was effected by the stoke. I would be the only one that could hold a conversation with her at all. She became a sort of playmate and living doll at the same time. I hate to say that, but in the sense that I made her shirts, made her lap blankets and bibs. I brushed her hair and made up her face and painted her nails. I fed her and later as the years went by I would bathe and change her, too for my grandfather. This was not crude, she had a nurse and the nurse taught me how to do these things for her. Between us there was a deep bond as well. When she finally passed I was an adult. She had actually been gone for a while mentally due to having other strokes over time. I did not feel this loss – not the way that I felt the stroke and on some level always felt that whatever it was I did wrong – had I not done it then maybe things would not have turned out this way. My brother had blamed me also.

But, in 1976 a second tragedy happened. My father fell suddenly ill. Again, I was there. I did not blame myself this time. He seemed asleep on the floor in front of the TV as he did a lot and I’d simply laid down beside him and went to sleep. When my brother came home from school he noticed Dad didn’t look so good and tried to wake him. He was in a coma. His kidneys had failed. They took him away too.

At this time my grandmother was still in the hospital ‘dying’ and now my dad was there, too – not expected to live. It was explained to me that they were ‘going to heaven together’ and I wanted to go, too. I knew my mom had said to me before, ‘you don’t eat, you will die’ – I stopped eating. I stayed with my grandfather – over the years I would spend perhaps the majority of my life with him – but during this time, under the stress, he was hospitalized as well. He had a heart attack. I was sent off to my grandma’s sister’s place down on the farm. I didn’t connect with her although she taught me to fish.

So, I spent a lot of time with elders. I became comfortable mostly in the presence of the aged. I loved their stories and the things they knew and did. As a child I would never connect with other children – instead I would seek out old people in the neighborhood and go there – talk with them – learn from them what they knew. Listen to the stories of their lives – old people love to tell these and they love to have someone listen. I don’t think I suffered for not having young friends, not really. With elders I had a sense of trust and stability and the outside world, kids, schools seemed painful and chaotic. Children were cruel and afraid of me at the same time.

In fact I will never forget my first day of school – never forget the boy on the playground that said ‘you walk like my grandma’. Before that I never realized that anything was ‘wrong’ with me. Later that same day my teacher caught me talking when I was not supposed to be. She spanked me in front of the whole class. I stopped talking – completely – altogether. In fact I would not talk in a school setting again for years and only to a few people away from school – my father – my special elders I found – and my cats. You might not believe me, but among other things I do speak cat as well.

To this day my cats are constant companions. I have heard people say that they did not like cats because they were aloof or did not really show efection. My cats are not like that, in fact sometimes I have to push them away. My youngest is very jealous of the computer and of daddy and will try to get between me and it or me and him. they are a constant source of comfort for me.

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note: special kitty is sometimes a 'baby fur' and i do recall from early childhood pretending to be a cat, even drinking out of the cat bowl and having my dad put down tuna in a bowl for me - and eating it with my kitty at the time. However, being a baby fur is more of a fantasy play FOR kitty... much like a child pretending to be a princess or a nurse. Special kitty also does like to pretend to be a princess and early on with her real daddy was dressed in frilly dresses with a tiara as he carried her around.

[BitterGrey]

This is something that I have been afraid to discuss with my psych. It’s not just ‘liking to play a baby’ for me.

I have heard all these terms applied here. My understanding is that regression and age play are voluntary and dissociation is often not voluntary and can involved different personalities.

Special Lil Kitty,

Thanks for sharing your background with us. You have been through a lot. Also, thanks for having the courage to openly explore yourself. This isn't easy to do - I know. There is a temptation to sweep things under the carpet and declare one's self OK. You're honestly exploring and dealing with your problems, and that makes you really OK. This is all any of us can do.

Now to the initial question. There should probably be an "and/or" there. Needless to write, Dissociative Identity Disorder and ageplay are not mutually exclusive. People with Dissociative Identity Disorder and a child alter might act a lot like ageplayers without DID. They will both act like children. One difference (that you pointed out already) might be that the ageplayer without DID would be able to drop the roleplay (un-regress) if needed. Another would be that ageplayers without DID would have access to their adult memories when regressed. (Similarly, when not regressed, they would remember what happened when regressed. ) If this awareness isn't there or is partial, then they might have DID. Of course, that wouldn't stop them from being an ageplayer as well.

I suspect that a percentage of ageplayers and AB/DLs also have Dissociative Identity Disorder, but don't know how small this percentage is.

The final diagnosis would need to be made by one's doctor. At least when compared to paraphilic infantilism, Dissociative Identity Disorder is reasonably well documented.

[curiositykilledthecat]

Personally I think there is probably a large percentage of multiples or something similar to DID or MPD if not the exact disorder itself(doesn't have to be a disorder) within the abdl community. You could have a ground layer of multiplicity, it does vary in presence, forms and manifestattions. The DSMIV does a piss poor job diagnosing the disorder so many who are multiples get told they're not and labeled as something other. I know multiples and I know schizophrenics and though both have their crazy moments, there is a big difference.

[Mary-Ann]

as for if you have d.i.d. I cannot say .

you are brave to post this . I don't think that any thing is wrong with being little . I like cats too .