kaworuchan

Peaches - Billionaire Such a catchy song, that one is.

Why, oh why, do so many of the people in Hollywood always feel the need to remake every horror film that grossed five cents over the last century? I guess that I lost all faith in horror film remakes after sitting through the 2003 Texas Chainsaw Massacre (which is easily one of the worst movies I have ever seen) and the new Friday the 13th (which was not quite as bad, but still a disgrace to the original). As far as to how this one will hold up, I haven't a clue. The trailers look decent, but we all should know that doesn't mean much. Instead of trying to create a cash-cow horror remake film, I would rather see more filmmakers try to create more original horror cinema. Show off some creative colors, for a change.

The only way I would want to be little again was if it were under the circumstances that my mother would not treat me like some kind of freak because of my developmental and mental disabilities, and if my stepfather was not a violent man who liked to smack me around. Happy childhood memories truly are elusive for some folk, I am sad to say. Perhaps this is why I am an AB - I crave for a taste of being young under circumstances where I have no reason to be afraid of what humiliating or degrading situation I would be placed into next. Ah, I'll end this whiny post here.

I think in having those desires in myself, a part of me was wishing to absolve myself from my desires to wear diapers all of the time - "I'm not wearing them just to satisfy a sexual fetish, I actually need them!" - or something like that. When the time came that I actually did need to wear some form of protection to keep my clothes from getting completely ruined, I realized the folly of having such fantasies. When I went on the job, to a customer's office, and started to worry if my pullup would leak, I realized the folly of having such fantasies even further. I now realize that diapers are only fun when I have some degree of control over the situation, and when an actual case of incontinence (it may have been minor in comparison to other cases, but I still had more than a few nasty cleanup jobs as a result of it) does not put my social standing at complete risk. Fantasies about losing control of my bladder and bowels for the rest of my life no longer do anything for me after having this experience.

I guess my biggest AB fantasy would be to actually have a loving paternal figure in my life. A man who will diaper and dress me before we curl into each other's arms in front of the television at night. Not exactly a "Daddy" - but somebody who can provide me with a taste of the love and nurturing that was severely lacking in the early years of my life. I imagine a perfect night in that respect would be - I clean the house and cook a nice meal for me and my dream man. We eat dinner at the dining room table, and we talk, and we listen to each other. After dinner, I do the dishes while he gets the fun and games ready. Then a descent into the fun and games, as a reward for all of the cooking and cleaning I did earlier that day. I know, that probably sounds terribly perverse and dependent. But then again, I want to please my dream man as much as he will please me. The whole idea of a relationship built on one-sided pleasure is so terribly antierotic for me. And this is not really about the sex. I enjoy sex just fine, but I want to form a bond with a man where, at least for a few hours, he takes care of me and I respond by doing everything I can to please him when bedtime finally rolls around. So, that is my primary AB fantasy.

I used to have strong desires to be incontinent, both bladder and bowel. Those desires pretty much died a couple of months ago, and I have a reason to explain why. I actually experienced a form of bowel incontinence that lasted for a couple of months, that I am still dealing with now (although it is getting better). It was not all-out bowel incontinence, but there was a constant, heavy and very nasty seepage that happened several times a day. Many pairs of white underpants were completely ruined. I started wearing pullup protective underwear as a resort to the problem, and then I was always worrying if anybody around me noticed them. Whenever I went to work and the seepage started leaking into my pullup, my nerves got severely on edge. It felt even worse when it happened when I was dealing with customers at my job. Add in the fact that I could not always change when I had to (seeing as I kept everybody around me in the dark about what was going on with my body) - and that led to some nasty rashes. Well, the doctor pinned down what the problem was. It was a combination of a couple of things in my case - due to my recent dietary changes and my decision to work out at the Y twice a day in an effort to live a more healthy lifestyle, I lost 20 lbs in less than two months, and my body did not know how to handle that. Add in the fact that I was contradicting the "healthy lifestyle" concept by engaging in binge drinking during the weekends, and that really screwed up my system. So, no more drinking alcohol, and add more calories to my diet, was the advice that the doctor gave to me. The concept of incontinence made for a fun fantasy while I was thinking about it before this development. But I really don't want to wear diapers 24 / 7. I like my current lifestyle way too much for that. I think I will keep my diaper pleasures in the privacy of my apartment, only sharing them with those I trust enough. I don't want to spend all of my time worrying about whether or not people notice what I am wearing under my pants (which are now having a tendency to slide down quite often because of all of the weight I lost recently). I used to think it would be fun to lose control of my functions, but now I have realized that can be very far from the case. So, consider my incontinence desires to be deader than dead. Often, fantasy is a lot more fun and exciting than the ugly reality.

I am a 30yo gay AB, but as important as that is to my sense of identity, it is far from being my entirety. I live my life doing as much as I can for the people I care about. I volunteer for causes I believe in (which involves a lot of work in the mental health communities, but that's OK with me). I also work out at the YMCA twice a day - one day I just decided I did not like being as overweight as I was, so I started that, and now if a day goes by without me getting a workout in, I feel as if that day as been sort of wasted. I also enjoy hiking Mt. Ranier in the summer and fall. What else is there? I plan on becoming a FT student at TCC starting in the spring quarter, and I am very much looking forward to that. I am not sure what I want a degree in yet, but I did feel like a baby in a candy store while I was looking at the class catalog, seeing so many very interesting classes in there. In any case, I thought I would make this introduction post here, and see where it leads me. Take care!