Possibly Insane

I'm sorry if the following is a serious case of TL;DR, infodumping, and/or TMI, but I have nowhere else to turn at this point. In a nutshell: I don't understand my sexuality at all. I've been drifting in and out of a severe depression for the past decade. I'm approaching thirty now, and I'm no closer to understanding anything about myself than I was when I was first aware of sexuality. I've been taking an anti-depressant for most of 2019, but all that's really done is muted my ability to feel anything. I'm afraid that by continuing to take the damn pills, I am killing my ability to understand who I am. I don't feel anything strongly anymore: not love, not hate, not joy - nothing. But, when I've tried to take myself off of the pills, I've just wanted to end my life. I've always wondered whether or not I was gay. I remember being a teenager and feeling weird things about boys, but I always crushed those feelings. Diapers were always the overt object of interest, which sucked because I felt like shit about that, too. I had an OCD obsession with hell/god/all that religious shit, and, while I'm not in any way religious now, I have distinctive memories of wasting hours praying that I wasn't gay, that I wasn't ABDL, that I didn't have anything that made me "weird" or "different." The fact that I had - and still do have - an overtly DL sexuality, complicated my understanding of basic attraction. I know there were boys I found attractive, but there were traits in women I really liked and responded too. I tried like hell to date women only, but the relationships always ended because I didn't want them to discover my secret DL side, and, more over, I had a major fear I'd be disappointing in bed. Now, I'm in a relationship, going on three years, with a woman. We've had sex many times, but I really don't like it. I do it to make her happy and because I want her to feel attractive. The fact of the matter is, I was and am attracted to her as a person, but physically, I just don't have any interest. I've never told her anything about ABDL, and she has made it clear she is a very vanilla kind of person. I always have to imagine some kind of ABDL scenario when we're having sex - that's the only way I've been able to get anywhere. I just feel so guilty and miserable. I really hate the idea of hurting her. I hate the idea of letting her family down and letting my family down. I do love her and care deeply for her, but I don't honestly know if I am straight. It's all so mixed up with emotions and a lack of self understanding. All this confusion and unhappiness and guilt is doing a number on my head. I don't want to go out or be social. I'm working as many hours I can, coming home, and drinking alcohol. I have a therapist, but I can only go so far explaining with the sexual stuff - I've repressed so much it's like my body won't let me articulate what's going on in my head. It's just too fucking painful. Sorry for the vent. I just don't know what to do. I don't want anyone to be emotionally hurt because I'm trying to get this shit in order. I'm just in pain.

https://www.chicagoreader.com/chicago/dan-savage-love-adult-baby-diaper-fetishist-kinks/Content?oid=49694022 Check this out. In some circles of the 'straight world,' it seems as though acceptance is changing.

Note that CBS refers to the store as catering to people with a "baby fetish." Awful, awful wording choice.

Looks better, but those prices.

I ordered a sampler from Snuggies, to be delivered via USPS. I was just informed that it arrived in my mailbox at 11:15 am today, when I was not home, yet the package is nowhere to be found. I live in an apartment building with five other tenants. Needless to say, I am incredibly freaked out right now and very angry. USPS isn't open until Monday. I don't know what to do. A) Does USPS ever make mistakes in terms of updating their tracking info? B ) How should I proceed? I am so flipped out I can't even think.

I ordered a week ago, and it got here today. Got a tracking number and everything.

Producer/editor for various television shows.

I'm pretty sure this is satire.

^The SDKs are apparently in stock.

Well, according to the site, they're back in stock...

I've never had trouble ordering from them, but this round, I went with Bambino because I do not trust the company considering their recent reputation. The business has gone dark, they're not talking to their customers. Some people are getting their orders, most people aren't. I just can't risk it right now.

When did you order them? The website still says they're not in stock, and ABU isn't talking to any of their customers.

There's really no way of explaining it. It's traumatic and terrible to witness the death of another human being, and the depths to which it has shaken you says a lot about you as a person. You're a good person. Just let your brain process it - it will take a while.