Depression Over Diapers

[whiterabbit1023]

Hey all again, if you read my earlier post (and 1st one ever! yay) you already know that I just recently "discovered" my AB and sissy side. I have been a DL for a few years and never really was comfortable with that. So imagine my personal discomfort with being a baby, a lil sissy one at that. I want more than anything to act out these urges, and I am lucky enough to have a beautiful girl in my life that will help me do this. Sadly, she was in a really bad car accident while working in France, so we havent got to do anything yet. The waiting is really hard, but it brings up a lot of thoughts. I am absolutly terrified showing this side to another person...it goes against everything life has taught us in being a "man". I always idolized Scorsese gangsters, Tyler Durdens, and James Bonds...and instead of being like my heroes, i get the urge to be an infant, girl and wear diapers. I have been crushed a few times in my life but nothing compare to the self loathing i feel for having this lifestyle. Life teaches us boys to be the ones to comfort, be the ones to protect, but i feel i need it more than to give it. I feel this is the only place i can really talk about this; I don't really like talking to my girlfriend about these feelings, I am already shocked she is able to put up with this and am having this unrational fear of her leaving. And it may be my youth, so I'm asking the older babies out there if anyone has felt some severe depression over infantilism and how they dealt with it.

Sorry for the length (and whining)

[lynniehyde]

"I just recently "discovered" my AB and sissy side. I have been a DL for a few years and never really was comfortable with that."

I started as a DL. Though, it was at a much earlier age than you (For me, age 3). You say you've been a DL for only a few years, only recently discovering your AB side. I suspect that these feelings you have, have long lay dormant in your psyche. You were just unwilling to explore them out of guilt because of social and familial judgments. Don't get stressed about it. This is a common progression for most ABs. The main thing is to try and accept this part of you in your life. You're still young, with much to learn about yourself. It doesn't happen overnight. And know that there are many, many people like you. Those suffering, as Henry David Thoreau put it so succintly, "quiet lives of desperation". Depression about this is totally self-defeating and there is no need for you to beat yourself up about it. Accept this. If it means finding a whole new set of friends who do understand your feelings and can accept you for who and what you are, do it. They're out there. And, they will love you for who you are. Not some stereotype of what ignorant people say that you should be like.

Live your life as if it's the only one you're gonna get.

Cuddles,

--heidilynn

[Necare]

Rest assured, I know exactly how you feel, and while I unfortunately cannot give you any uplifting advice ( sorry about that), I can at least tell you a bit about how I personally feel having this particular fetish. Like you, I have never been able to fully accept that I have infantile, sissyish feelings, and as a result my self-esteem in this area is non-existent. Of course, it really goes without saying, the short periods while I indulge myself in the soft, cozy and fluffy world of nappies and pacis, all is well, and the more girly, pathetic, I feel, the better. But the depressing dilemma is how to unite this fact with playing black metal, and otherwise having a dominant personality, a dilemma I`m afraid I haven`t been able to solve, and which I personally deem to be unsolvable.

To make things infinitely worse and unbearable, my ex from three years back decided to stab me right in the back because of this, trampling on my vulnerability by taking pictures, telling all her aquaintances etc. Everyone which I used to call a friend have turned their back on me, and in my case involuntary loneliness( Voluntary loneliness, now that is quite another matter, something I think is all important), increased depression and anxietys, increased suicidal and compulsive thoughts are the lovely fruits being born out of this. I cannot stand to be around people anymore, so I have left the city, quit my studies in philosophy, moved back home, and so as to not awaken suspicion with my parents, pretending to write an exam paper, when I`m really sitting and rewriting an old one. Quite absurd, and yes, depressing as hell.

I really do not live anymore, I merely exist. On the other hand, I think it is somewhat easier to cope with this fetish if you have a loving girlfriend who actually is welcoming this with open arms, and last but not least, if your fetish has remained a well kept secret from the public eye. If I were in your situation, maybe I would have coped with the situation a bit differently, taken a more positive stance towards the whole matter, so to speak. Despite your fiendish feelings towards this issue, and as I said you have my full sympathy, you are at the same time also extremely lucky to have found someone willing to not only accept this side of you, but actually willing to participate. Cherish that fact, I wish you the best of luck with your struggle!

[tris]

I don't know how to tell you that you'll be OK, other than to just tell you -- You're gonna be OK. No matter what. I don't want to pit your happiness against your survival, but you WILL continue to live whether you're happy about your situation or not. Maybe that's a good thing for you, maybe it isn't --That's up to you.

But what I CAN tell you is that you need to love yourself FIRST. Take that step toward learning who you are and what makes you truly happy. From there, your relationships, your life, and your sense of self will be stronger, making you a magnetic personality.

You have the key to open your own door. . .

[BabyLex]

Greetings and welcome to the diaper forums. I can't imagine what your impressions of the diaper community is, save to say it's in conflict with your role models, but if, you'll permit me, I can share some of my own experiences which may or may not be relevant to yours. I'd like to think we may have something in common, and if so, perhaps it won't alleviate your depression, but may shed some light on a potential path.

I've valued independence as a core personal attribute. Independence, self-reliance, the ability to do the valiant and right thing when circumstances called for it and a general commitment to justice. I joined the military, got into my share of drunken fist fights and good times out with 'the guys', got into extreme outdoor sports, and even though I think of myself as more of a poetic type, I got the reputation as being more of a "guy's guy". I got into home repairs, car repairs, martial arts, etc, and love it. Simultaneously I'd known about my AB side since I was 12. The conflict of identies "Lex the Warrior" (Strong, independent, daring, and adventerous, versus "Lex the baby" (helpless, vulnerable, and infantile) did lead to depression. Try as I might I couldn't commit the infanticide it would take to reconcile myself as a whole. BabyLex was an important part of me, and while back then there were times I'd wished he'd go away and never come by, he never left. <sighs> How could I kick back brews with the boys after a day of shooting and want to go wear 'diapers'? Ack! Then the conflict of identity led to thoughts like these: "That's not right! That's not who I am! Why do I want to do these things? I must be mentally broken. I must stop thinking about it. I won't give in, I won't wear, I won't play, and I'll hate myself for wanting to. It's wrong!"

And of course, when you're feeling ashamed and embarassed about something, you're not likely to go talk to someone about it. Because to acknowledge it to someone else would be admitting its on your mind in the first place. So it sits in a dark corner of your mind, like a dirty secret that gets taken out in the dark of night when no one else is around... and then you enjoy it, and afterwards feeling guilty. But you can't stop yourself... and yet it's in conflict with everything else about you. And then you feel depressed. And then the cycle continues, spiraling deeper with each consideration of the conflict.

Being the completely overanalytical individual I am, I thought about this very topic for a long time... for years in fact. There comes a point where you have to consider the duality of yourself. Jung discusses this, and there's even a brief mention of it (although completely taken out of context) in the movie Full Metal Jacket. You are in fact the independent, confident, respected, adult you think you are. And you're also a soft, emotional, kind hearted, innocent individual. Are they in conflict? yes. They are. Is this a 'consistent' way to live to your life? Perhaps... perhaps not. Some parts of your own psychology aren't as straight forward as to have binary answers that you're one or the other. Some aren't even continuous functions... sometimes there are separations and gaps which require you to make an intellectual leap from side of yourself to the other and accept that the gap exists.

You can be someone with both sides. My own interpretation of it, is the philosophy of the Japanese Bushido warriors. These warriors were excellent swordsmen and scholars who could wield swords in the name of justice with pure instinct. However, they were also all artists of some kind. They were potters, painters, woodworkers, poets, gardeners, cooks, and individuals who created beauty. They did this because they learned to respect the work, care, love, and passion that goes into making such beauty, and therefore knew what it meant to destroy it. Not only did learn to respect the works of beauty, but to remember that the lives of others contained passion, artistry, and beauty and they would not destroy it without great cause or reason.

In a similar (albeit different) vein, an AB interest can be similar. You can have adult life which represents much of who you are, which has adapted to the hardships and difficulties of the world and upholds your obligations and responsibilities to yourself and others. At the same time, you have a side which enjoys shedding all that to celebrate the innocence and beauty of stepping out of the world for awhile. In doing so, you can develop new perspectives on balance in life, and what it means to enjoy the best parts of being an adult and the best parts of being a child.

I'm reminded of one of favorite quotes which I think best summarizes the points I (unskillfully) have tried to illuminate. One the world's greatest artists, Pablo Picasso, knew what it meant to celebrate and exemplify the best of skills as an adult and the beauty of his inner child. I think he said it best when he said “It took me four years to paint like Raphael, but a lifetime to paint like a child”

In closing, depression is something that takes a long time to climb out of. It's not easy and is a slow and gradual process, but if you find ways to see yourself a little differently and to come to understand that there are others here that you can, in fact, relate to, and that if you met some of us at a bar or a coffeeshop you'd probably be glad we struck up a conversation about all manner of things unrelated to AB/DL diaper interests, you may not feel so alone/depressed.

I wish you the best,

--Lex

[phogendpf]

Hey, Im 19 so im the same age as you. I feel though that Im a little farther along than you in the whole diapers thing. Basically at first you will hate this part about you. (The first time I put on an adult diaper. I waited 5 mins with it in my hand thinking,"I am REALLY about to put on a DIAPPPPPPER????". I did put it on and LOVED it with a passion. Other people have their thing. I have my thing. You need to learn to accept it and move on because it will never go away.

[lynniehyde]

"You can be someone with both sides. My own interpretation of it, is the philosophy of the Japanese Bushido warriors. These warriors were excellent swordsmen and scholars who could wield swords in the name of justice with pure instinct. However, they were also all artists of some kind. They were potters, painters, woodworkers, poets, gardeners, cooks, and individuals who created beauty. They did this because they learned to respect the work, care, love, and passion that goes into making such beauty, and therefore knew what it meant to destroy it."

Baby Lex, you are right on the mark. Yin and yang. Um and yang. Hard and soft, etc. Carl Jung's duality of mankind. There is definitely somthing to it. Eastern philosophy has much to offer to the un-enlightened. As you so knowlegably pointed out, the Samurai were skilled in not only the ways of war, but skilled in the refinements of human endeavor. Calligraphy in particular. Gardening, dancing (no doubt to hone their footwork for battle), Haiku etc.. Bushido. The way of the warrior.

The seminal idea here, is that in life, some sort of balance must be struck. For most, I believe this is possible. For some...I guess it depends on your individual situation.

Cuddles,

--heidilynn

[SS84onwards]

I've found being an adult means coming to accept yourself, that's the only real way to know you've matured. I resisted wearing nappies for years because I was already dealing with the abuse I suffered as a child, the yearning that I could just tell my parents what had happened and the desire to prove that I could be more than some disabled target for sick, twisted monsters who don't care that a child needs their innocence.

Then after dying from a heart attack when I was 13, and being forced back to life, I came to realise that I needed to let myself feel things again, but it still took years. Then back in 2003, I gave in to wearing nappies.

I wasn't sure at first, but I ignored the doubts and gave in and loved it, still do, though it's hard to find the right time to give in to wearing a nappy since there are too many ignorant people who have this fantasy notion of being an adult and 'normal' who don't understand that not everyone turns to drink, drugs and smoking to escape the stress of life.

I've come to accept myself since then, so I wear a nappy sometimes and like to curl up and enjoy the comfort, so what? I'm still a determined person who wishes to prove he can be of use, who loves to work hard and isn't someone to annoy since I've got a nasty temper in me. Being a 'man' isn't about being like those around you, being a 'man' is about accepting yourself. Same thing for being a woman, for being an adult and so on.

A lot of people who think they're all that and a bag of chips are usually highly insecure and want to force their insecurity onto others. Just be you, it's alright to be a 'manly man' and still want to curl up with a thick nappy on and cuddle a soft toy. If other people don't like you for you, then why bother being worried about what they say?

After all, anyone can be a strong person, but it takes a very strong person to admit that inside, they yearn to be cuddled, hugged and to feel safe and loved. Nothing wrong with that at all.