How To Tell One's Lover About Their Ab Side

[BabyLex]

Another "How do I tell my lover about my interest in diapers/being an AB".

Background is the boilerplate stuff: we've been together for almost 9 years, I've had cyclical periods of my life where diapers are more or less important, but nonetheless feel that I'd like to explore this side of my life more. I've worn and enjoyed diapers during times we've been apart, but am uncomfortable keeping secrets from the person I love. I'm not particularly concerned that it become a key point of our relationship or that it become a regular part of things, but I would like to wear from time to time without feeling like its a dirty little secret.

We've both been busy and there never really seems to be a 'right' time to bring it up. I'm not particularly sure how to. So at this point I'm soliciting all suggestions. Two points the best one. :-) Suggestions from those who have been through this and hearing their success stories would be great.

All help is greatly appreciated.

Nervous but hopeful,

--Lex

[tris]

Only you know her best and how best to approach her. Gauge her reaction and go with the flow. Breathe.

When I made the choice to no longer hide from my friends, I told them while we were drunk and still drinking. *shrug* it's just 'our' thing, we drink and end up having really deep talks, and this time, I decided I would choose the topic, so I just said, "Hey, I got something important I want to tell you. You're my friend, I love you, and I don't feel like I should have to hide from you."

Something along those lines works great, and so does anything else that might come out of your mouth, just as long as you don't make the whole ABDL thing sound scary, creepy, or disgusting. Give it a positive spin, and make sure this person understands how important this is to you.

And if you've been together 9 years - first, shame on you for not being honest! (Don't hate me, SHE might say it, too!) But, if you've been together that long... Well, I don't think you'll have too much trouble, my friend.

Good luck! Just go for it! It's not the end of the world, you're just admitting a kink!

[BabyLex]

<smiles> As expected, everything went smoothly. Actually it wasn't a big deal at all, sort of like going to the doctors and being in a nervous state of panick about getting shots and then when the moment finally comes, realizing it was no big deal... in fact one could barely feel it.

My 'coming out' was met with approval, kindness, curiosity, and a genuine sense of sincere care. It hasn't turned into a radical shift in our relationship, where I expect to being diapered and changed daily, but now everyone knows about my AB side, and it's out on the table. Where we go from here? We'll find out ;-)

Thanks for the encouragement.

--Lex

[tris]

'grats, brother. Telling the truth will ALWAYS set you free, even if it racks your nerves first.

[BabyLex]

'grats, brother. Telling the truth will ALWAYS set you free, even if it racks your nerves first.

Well said amigo :-) Well said ;-)

Thanks for your encouragement, it really helped.

--Lex

[tris]

Hey, everyone deserves a shot at living the dream.

Now be a good boy for her and do EVERYTHING she asks. (yes, even kiss her *there*)

I've found that when my needs are met, I'm not just consenting of her requests for pleasure/assistance/whathaveyou, I actually seek out the things I know she likes and I do them, just because she makes me so happy!

Even if it isn't going to be a recurring aspect of your relationship, take a lil bit of that satisfaction and turn it into some energy for Payin' it Forward.

[DIAPERPHANTOM]

My 'coming out' was met with approval, kindness, curiosity, and a genuine sense of sincere care.

Congratulations!!! Very happy for you, Lex. Nice to see you becoming more active on the boards and in chat as well.

[BabyLex]

Congratulations!!! Very happy for you, Lex. Nice to see you becoming more active on the boards and in chat as well.

Tris and Phantom,

Thanks again for the kind responses. It's been an interesting ride.

Friday night, we were sitting by the fire, and I summed up the courage to finally say "There's something I want to tell you..." My heart was racing, I could actually feel it thumping, and then without thought or thinking, I just started to explain "I like to role play as a two year old". Then with slightly shocked eyes the response came "Oh, okay." and I continued to explain who 'BabyLex' is. I gave some history, explained what I did, how I liked it, etc, without becoming too obsessed. In the end the bottom line is that our relationship is founded on love, trust, and loyalty: don't hurt me, don't hurt us, don't hurt anyone else, and don't get any of us in (too much) trouble. It was a great experience.

Now that my heart rate is down and I'm feeling sane again, I thought I'd share reflections on how it all went.

First some background, I've known about my AB side since I was 12, and cyclically enjoyed my play time. I'd be heavy into it for a few days, then take a few weeks off, which later turns into months. In my early twenties I didn't play much at all, although I got bit my the AB bug this past year and BabyLex (verus Lex) was started to cry for some attention.

This meant that I found myself in a unique situation that specifically is related to long term relationships. The idea of being with my lover for 9 years and never having mentioned it makes it increasingly difficult to bring up. The meta-question of "why haven't you told me before?" looms over the 'coming out' moment which exponentially increases the difficulty of bringing up the topic. The compounded difficulties in having to broach both topics was an acculumated sum total of fear, worry, and yeah, some embaressment, that had me nervous and scared about bringing up the subject. What if it didn't go over well? What if it led to judgements and questions that weren't being asked? What if it led to judgements and questions that were voiced? Ack! And how to I explain the whole thing anyways?

For those who know me, I tend to be hyperanalytical, and in my day to day life, enjoy the benefits of a keen mind and independent self image. BabyLex is the polar opposite extreme which maintains balance and peace in my life. It's calm in the midst of the chaos of the rest of life. :-) But sharing that with someone who knows me better than anyone seemed hard, and strange. Perhaps, it was in part due to that fact that the speech-act of saying something affirms its existence, and I was worried about fully admitted that BabyLex was a part of me that wasn't going away, but in fact was a part that was here to stay for the long run. He's not growing up, he's not getting older, he's still the same young age he always was, still in diapers, still sucking his paci, still making his little drawings, and enjoying his bottles... and he's been at it for a long time.

I think one of the most beautiful moments in the whole coming out experience, was the anti-climatic nature of it all. We talked about it, and yeah... it's a harmless past time that doesn't hurt anyone, is kind of silly and playful, and is hardly one of the stranger things out there. I was really prepared to start explaining my entire theories about how I developed my AB tendencies, what they mean, ready to quote Freud, Jung, the DSMIV, and explain from personal experience, how I developed these desires, and what purpose they serve now... and a really neat thing happened. My audience simply said "Hey... Lex... Don't overanalyze it, you'll take all the fun out of it.". Wow. That was awesome. And completely true!

It's really neat being with someone so astute, intelligent, kind and understanding. It's also been an amazing psychological unburdening, as I no longer have to keep my 'baby' supplies a complete secret, or pretend to be apathetic about baby things. Suddendly more things will be seen in context.

I didn't try to make baby play a team sport, nor did I try to change our relationship into a baby/parent kind of one. Realistically that's not really what I'm after. I like the way things are, and perhaps someday I'll introduce BabyLex, and maybe we'll all play together, and who knows, if a change comes out of it, all the better! But for now, it's enough to just know my AB side is not a secret. :-)

In closing, I think another great moment that came out of this experience was that the day after I 'came out', was a pretty mundane day. Lazy Saturday morning, good coffee, got some work done, had a friend over for a comfort food dinner, enjoyed a nice evening in bed together, and slept in the next morning. It was really nice to know that there were no new judgements made, and we were still a great team.

In a pay-it-forward kind of community, it's important to share the success stories. If anyone wants to know more or ask questions, feel free to PM me.

--Lex

[babylin]

[quote name='BabyLex' date='Dec 10 2007,

It's really neat being with someone so astute, intelligent, kind and understanding. It's also been an amazing psychological unburdening, as I no longer have to keep my 'baby' supplies a complete secret, or pretend to be apathetic about baby things. Suddendly more things will be seen in context.

--Lex

[BabyLex]

Hehe, interesting idea, but no, no kids, and no plans to have any. Many families have allowed us to be key players in their kids lives, but kids of our own isn't really in the stars at this point. Perhaps someday that'll change, but at this point, it's not in the plans ;-)

--Lex

[tris]

Right on, dude. Your story sounds really really great! I think more folks should pay attention to what you've done, because it's truly stellar! How much prodding from me/us here did it take for you to just 'go for it'?

I guess what I'm getting at, is those who are thinking about telling someone have already made up their minds, they're just looking for a validation of their idea. . .

Something good to note, Lex- I like how you said you weren't looking to make a dramatic change in your relationship. Something like this does have the potential to make HUGE waves between two people, but there's a lot to be said for the status quo and 'if it ain't broke, don't fix it'.

[BabyLex]

Tris,

<smiles> Thanks for your kind words. I think, for me, the key was knowing it was time to bring up the topic. The decision to make that a priority was an internal one for me, which was largely dictated by the fact that a part of myself, which is not insignificant, was being withheld from the one I love and know loves me. And my own sense of morality deems such secrets as damaging as they become a wedge in the relationship. Once I'd made that decision, I just needed a spank on the bum to actually bring up the topic, and I do appreciate the encouragement. It definitely helped.

As to others who are in a similar space, I highly recommend finding your own way, and asking others for the final push to make it happen. :-)

Also, if you like the person you're with, there's nothing wrong with adding/changing aspects of the relationship, but don't throw out the baby with the bathwater. Keep the good stuff that you've used as a foundation, and ensure you maintain the love, trust, and respect you've built. Let your partner choose their own involvement in your AB life, but don't hold them to any expectations.

I hope it goes as well for everyone ;-)

--Lex

[tris]

Thanks Lex!

I asked because I'm STILL in the long process of writing a 'coming out' guide for ABDLs, and much of the roadblock I'm running into is the personal dynamic. Every time I open it up to write something down, I think about how everyone's situation is different. Also, as you just proved - it doesn't have to be that hard!