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Critique request! First story


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Posted

Hello, I have been wanting to post a story for a long time. I'm finally getting around to writing it. I just finished the first chapter, which has taken way longer than I would care to admit. I have a tendency to get creative block. I also have strong perfectionist tendencies while writing, which I feel isn't beneficial, as I usually end up editing while writing, and constantly changing what I write. It sometimes takes me two hours to finish a paragraph. But I digress... I am hoping someone can take a look at this and give me some ideas of improvements I can make while in process of writing. I am already half way thru chapter 2, but I would greatly appreciate any and all feedback. Also if anyone has suggestions on how to combat perfectionism to gain productivity, as well as how to story board better. Is there a template anyone uses??

Thanks.

Here's the first draft of the first chapter of my story, Princess Allie.

 

Chapter 1. Friday

It's Friday morning, 6:45am. Right on queue, the ceiling light in her bedroom is slowly getting brighter. The amazon echo dot atop her dresser is quietly playing a lo-fi version of her favorite song, Reprise by Joe Hisashi, although she only knows it as "the song from Spirited Away." Allie wakes up, peacefully, and scratches her hair. She swings her feet over the bed, carefully taking her first steps of the day, and shuffles over to her dresser. She groans "Alexa, dismiss." which stops her alarm. Alexa responds, "Good morning Allie. Today is Friday, May 17th, 2024. Here is today's weather; slightly windy, with a high of 81 degrees, and a low of 48." One more month left of school, she thinks to herself. Allie walks over to the hamper in the corner of her room and tosses her PJ’s in the hamper. She then walks into the bathroom and brushes her teeth. While brushing her teeth, she notices the sagging goodnite swaying gently between her legs, reminding her that at 11 years old, she still wets the bed. Rather than paying attention to that fact, she focuses on getting ready in the bathroom. After finishing her morning routine, she slides her wet goodnite off, and tosses it in the diaper pail in her bathroom. Her mother elected to continue using a diaper pail as it was too wasteful to constantly empty the bathroom trash can.

What should I wear today?” she thought, as she pondered her outfit choices.

She decided to go with a nice pleated skater skirt, her favorite band tee shirt, and a pair of doc martens.

Good morning dear, breakfast will be ready soon,” said Mom as she passed her door.

Allie grabbed her book bag, stuffed in an extra pair of underwear just in case, and headed down stairs, following the smell of breakfast. Her little brother Danny (short for Daniel) was already at the table eating.

Happy Friday, are you excited for this weekend?” Mom asked, while setting a bowl of cereal and an apple in front of Allie.

I am! Gabbie is going to come over after soccer practice, if that’s okay?”

That’s fine. I’m sure Brianna won’t mind.”

Brianna is the family’s babysitter, who watches Danny and Allie most week day evenings, and Saturday, while Allies mom is working her evening shifts as a nurse.

I almost forgot to ask, do I need to wash your sheets?” Mom asked.

No, the sheets are dry. The bigger size goodnites work much better now.”

Being a chronic bed wetter, her mother never asks her if she woke up wet or dry. It is routine that she wets the bed every night, the only question is whether or not everything was contained in her goodnite. It’s rare that she leaks now that she fits into the large size goodnites, but it does happen on occasion. Still, her mother makes a point to ask each morning, even though Allie is good about telling Mom if she leaked, her mother doesn’t want to deal with the laundry if it’s not necessary.

Allie noticed her little brother Danny shifting in his high chair while eating his oat meal, obviously pushing out his typical morning bowel movement. Being only six, he is too short to sit in a normal dining chair, but too old for a baby high chair, so he sits in an elevated chair for toddlers while at the dining table.

Ummmmm Mom, I think Danny just pooped...” Allie said while scrunching her nose at the smell.

Daniel is also a bed wetter, and is delayed with day time potty training. This comes as no surprise, as this is a normal thing for this family. Potty training delays and bed wetting is often genetic, both their parents had similar issues as children. Their family doctor has attributed this to an unknown genetic condition that seemingly causes an under-development of nerves and muscle control in the pelvic floor, which leads to stress and urge incontinence, as well as bed wetting. For this reason, Danny wears diapers to bed at night, and wears diapers or pull-ups most days. Allie only has occasional day time accidents, but wets the bed nearly every night.

Uh-oh, is someone a little stinker?” Mom asks jokingly.

Even though the smell was self-evident, she always makes a point to check. After all, he could just be gassy… She walks over to Danny, pulls back the waistband of his diaper, and looks inside to find a completely full diaper. Danny whines a little bit in this process, as he wasn’t fully done yet. After she checked him, he leans back and grunts a little more, before relaxing in his seat, squishing down onto the fresh mess in the process. Gross

Alright Allie, I have to take your brother upstairs to get changed into a clean diaper and dressed. Brianna will be here when you and Danny get home from school. Have a good day, I’ll see you tonight when I get home from work. Love you!” her mother said while scooping Danny out of his chair, kissing Allie goodbye and heading up stairs.

Allie grabbed her school bag, and headed outside to catch the bus to school. She saw her best friend Gabbie also walking towards the bus pick up. She waved and shouted “Hey Gabbie!”. Gabbie returned the gesture, before crossing the street at the cross walk.

Hey Gabs, you ready for the game tomorrow?” Allie asks.

You know I am, you better score every pass I give you! The eagles are going down!”

Gabbie’s position is a midfielder, so she helps to defend and pass the ball to Allie, who is a center forward. The two of them work completely in sync on the soccer field, being best friends really helps. Allie and Gabbie share a lot of things, they both play soccer for their school’s team, the Badgers. They both love playing video games on the Nintendo, they both love older movies, and they both are bed wetters. It’s safe to say, Allie and Gabbie’s friendship is like sisterhood, they are two peas in a pod. Gabbie comes over nearly every day after school, and most Saturdays. Since Gabbie’s parents also work later shifts, they are often not home when she is home from school. Since Allie already has a babysitter, it works in Gabbie’s parents’ favor. They pay Allie’s baby sitter an extra 50% since she often has to watch an extra kid.

Allie’s morning classes went smooth, she spent most of the day thinking of the weekend and her big game. When lunch finally arrived, she looked for her bestie in the cafeteria. The two of them always sit together, along with the rest of the soccer team. She decided to go with pizza for lunch, along with a banana, and some apple juice, which is her favorite drink to get from the lunch line. The lunch employees always give her two juices, which makes her day just that much better. She sits back down at the table across from Gabbie and joins in on the ensuing conversation.

Posted

First issue you have going on here is an inconsistent tense.  You go back and forth between past/present tense, which makes it hard to establish a flow. 

As for the content, you're certainly setting a scene, but "unknown family genetics" doesn't really do a great job of explaining why the 6-year-old was *actively* filling his diaper like a 2-year-old (and sitting in a "highchair made for older kids" - which do exist, though they are made for special needs kids - instead of a booster seat, which are very, very common and commonly used by older children, and are much less expensive).  This kid certainly sounds like a special needs kid, but that isn't explained by "unknown family genetics" either. 

  • Thanks 1
Posted

Thank you SO much for the feedback! :) I am certainly struggling with tense. My internal dialogue while writing prioritizes avoiding clumsiness, but the sacrifice apparently is consistency. I think this is part of my perfectionist tendency; I am focusing on the story sentence by sentence, instead of as a whole. Do you have any suggestions for how I can improve? Do you have any resources like a website that gives a good explanation of tense and how to stay consistent? I've looked around on google briefly but nothing stood out to me as a trustworthy source.

As for the "unknown family genetics", I am still trying to figure out something better. My idea is that yes, they are disabled with incontinence. I do not necessarily want this to be a focal part of the story, or give a reason which would cause justification for medical intervention. The cause for incontinence has to be something that cannot be improved with medical intervention, yet improves thru aging. I want to write it as though the family is nonchalant about the situation, as if it was to be expected. The direction I want to take this, is that Allie is a normal, emotionally maturing, adolescent, who is struggling with bed wetting and moderate incontinence. I do not intend for this story to be regression based. The context for the younger brother is to show the reader a better glimpse into what Allie's earlier years would have looked like, experiencing a lot of babying and belittling from their mother. But now as she is entering her transformative years, she is no longer being babied to such a degree from her mother. Another reason for having the mom baby Danny so much, is because this family is Mexican-American. This is a part of the story I have yet to contextualize, but I do have a character sheet with backgrounds, jobs, all sorts of information I hope to work into the story over time. It is a common experience in Latin-American families, that boys are often heavily doted upon by their matriarchs. Do you have any suggestions that would better contextualize this level of incontinence? I could probably research some more on the causes of incontinence.

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