ABDL shame with partner

[Luvschild]

Ok this could get a bit wordy so I’ll try to keep it simple. If anyone wants/needs more context I can give me details. 

 

So my vanilla wife has always been accepting of my abdl side and she has also been indulging me by playing mommy. My wife is like me in the way that she will do anything for someone else but she has a hard time speaking up when something is too much for her. I have been very way into my abdl side for the past month and I know I have been a lot for my wife, and I keep telling her to tell me if I’m ever too much. I only recently got her to finally admit that my abdl has been very needy lately and it is stressing her out with how abdl needy I have been

 

So I think I am in the binge part of a binge and purge cycle (and I thought I was years past having one of those.). So even though my logical brain has been telling me to pull back and regulate my little side, my little side tends to override my logic and I then I overwhelm my wife with texts of abdl stuff. 

 

I now realize that she is my only ABDL outlet and that’s not fair to her that I put all that on her. She has been talking about finding me a support group, which only makes me bitter because from my experience, it is impossible to find consistent people to talk to in this community that aren’t just thirsty. 

 

My shame for my ABDL side does not come from the actual shame of the fetish but rather how I act when my desires override my logic and I get too needy, especially toward the people that accept me. 

 

My question is can anyone relate this situation and how you deal with it if you do? I also wanted to know what, if any, are your abdl copping mechanisms so you don’t overwhelm your partner with your abdl side?

[Little Sherri]

This is an interesting and complex question. 

I am a DL with some AB tendencies, who has a very vanilla wife. She does not participate, other than cracking jokes at my expense, and buying me diaper cream when she goes shopping. However, she does "let" me wear diapers 24/7, and so far, hasn't thrown my stuff out on the front lawn and suggested that I go live in a van somewhere. It's been 5.5 years, so while that could still happen, we seem to have found a detente. 

It's good that you recognize that you are asking her to indulge you, when she is engaging in ABDL play or activities. The fact that she does so willingly is huge - there are so many people here who would envy you for that - indeed, people have expressed envy towards my situation, and my wife doesn't participate, she just hasn't poured gasoline on my inventory. Yet. 

So, you want to value what you have, and it sounds like you do. My advice would be to count your blessings, and to do your utmost to meet her halfway on things that she desires or is interested in, so that she feels valued and fulfilled in the relationship as well. If travel is her thing, make sure you put aside time & money for that, just like you put aside time & money for your interests. It doesn't have to be directly proportional, as long as the other person's needs are being met - maybe you want a mommy for what amounts to a lot more time than you can spend traveling (or breeding ferrets or taking cooking classes or whatever her things are), but while the diaper budget for the year is $900, you allocate $3000 for trips. You get the idea. 

The shame you feel when your desires override your logic is similar to the shame a person could feel when they, say, drink too much on a work night, and then can't perform the next day. That person would have to realize that if they want to continue having a relationship with alcohol (or weed, or name your drug of choice), then they are going to have to moderate their behaviour, no matter how much fun they might be having in the moment. People who can do that are called casual drinkers (or functional alcoholics...), and as long as their livers hold out, they can drink whenever a reasonable opportunity presents itself - they have a history of not going out of control, or doing it too often, or in inappropriate times or places. 

Whereas people who can't do that are problem drinkers - the ones who crash cars or show up at work still drunk, or pass out at children's birthday parties. For a lot of them, the only path back to living a functional life populated with good, mutually-beneficial relationships, is to never drink again. 

I was determined right from the beginning to never shove too much of "this" in my wife's face, and to read the room, and understand that maybe she's fine watching a movie with me while I'm wearing a printed diaper on a Friday night, but that she'd really, really appreciate it if my Pampers were quiet and slim-fitting while we go to church with her parents. 

It sounds to me like you need to have similar considerations, perhaps - draw a box around times when you are going to totally indulge (like a "healthy drinker" getting cutting loose on a Saturday night), and then understand that, as much as Saturday night might have been epic, you can't do that again on Tuesday night. On Tuesday, just have the equivalent of a quiet glass of wine with your dinner, by maybe wearing a diaper under normal clothing, rather than crawling around in a onesie (or whatever your thing is...), and go with her to the opera, or whatever she wants to do. 

That gives her a break, so that she's recharged, and feels valued and fulfilled, and then you will value your special time all the more, because it's not what you do everyday, just like cutting loose on a Saturday is fun, because you didn't spend the whole week drinking (ideally...).

Hopefully, that will allow you to banish the word "shame" from your description of your feelings. If she's an engaged, willing participant, and you're an engaged, giving partner, then there is no shame. 

[Luvschild]

Thank you for your long reply and it really did make me feel better to read. Thank you, you have a good heart. 
 

The analogy with drinking heavily was a very helpful way to look at things. 

[technomonkey]

I have been with my wife for 24 years. she wants nothing to do with diapers. I have tried showing her a little of the ABDL side and she is like if i am like that she is out or i am out on the street. so i can't wear any printed diapers around her. when she was 18 to 21 i got her to wear a diaper a few times and that was because she wanted money or new phone. but that was only white one for short time. After we had our first kid if she found my diaper she would cut them or just put them in the trash and tell me your not an F***ing baby. but after i got hurt and back messed up i am diapered 24/7 had to have my DR tell her its going to be that way. so now i wear mostly all white diapers plastic backed i have a few printed ones i wear now and then that i hide under my clothing.

[Little Sherri]

On 11/1/2024 at 10:56 PM, technomonkey said:

After we had our first kid if she found my diaper she would cut them or just put them in the trash and tell me your not an F***ing baby. but after i got hurt and back messed up i am diapered 24/7 had to have my DR tell her its going to be that way. so now i wear mostly all white diapers plastic backed i have a few printed ones i wear now and then that i hide under my clothing.

That's a very interesting dynamic! If I sustained an injury that put me in diapers fulltime, I think I'd have to have my doctor explain it to my wife, as well, because I'm sure her first response would be, "Well, well, how convenient... you skied over that cliff deliberately, didn't you?"

Not that much would change, in terms of our lifestyle, because I wear diapers all the time, anyway, and I do wear ABDL ones about half the time, but, she'd still have her doubts about the veracity of my claims, I'd imagine. She has never drawn a line regarding prints; I think that to her, a diaper is a diaper is a diaper, and they all look ridiculous on me, whether they be white, or festooned with winged ponies, or whatever. She has given me a particularly noticeable eyeroll if my diaper is really pink, so I tend to mix those in judiciously. I once "explained" to her that ABDL diapers are the best ones, and if I can get them on sale, they offer the most value, because I can use a 2-3 a day, versus probably 5 or 7 crappy medical diapers. And, I tend to buy whatever is on sale, so if they have mermaid on them, or baby lions, that's not my fault... 

[widdlemikey]

Well, a short history of me might be...  instructive.  Kept my AB side hidden for many years.  Only indulged rarely, usually when I was traveling alone on business.  As the kids grew and went off to college, I came out a bit more.  First just told her, then a couple times let her 'catch' me in a diaper.  Well she didn't throw me out, or call me any names.  But...  we drifted along.  I ended up indulging a bit more, then a bit more even though she never actively participated.  Started sleeping in separate rooms, but she knew I was falling deeper.  Looking back I pushed too much, she had always been reluctant to voice her needs in any area and I just took her quiet to be 'tacit concent'.  Eventually she divorced me, gave me a hug and said, "I hope you can find someone that can accept that side of you...."  Well we still talk around Christmas, or when one of the adult kids has something going on, but not otherwise.

So I guess if I had advice, it would be to find a time to set down and talk.  Tell her you want to set some limits, respecting her needs/ wants, try to work out something.  And if she does have limits, do your utmost to respect them.

[Little Sherri]

On 11/14/2024 at 5:50 PM, widdlemikey said:

So I guess if I had advice, it would be to find a time to set down and talk.  Tell her you want to set some limits, respecting her needs/ wants, try to work out something.  And if she does have limits, do your utmost to respect them.

Good advice. 

[Luvschild]

First of all, thank you everyone that gave their 2 cents on this.
 

So I believe me and my wife have had a large breakthrough on all of this and I thought I would give an update. 

 

In hindsight I think most of my shame came from the fact that I just took it for granted that my wife wouldn’t want me in little mode when things got hard in real life. I feel like I am being indecent for mentioning anything about diapers or little space when anything isn’t going well for the most part. But I suppose I have being treating my abdl side like something strictly sexual (with nothing deeper).
 

So anyway my wife said that she now realizes that I am much happier when in diapers and I can be little and still help my wife with hard things.
 

We haven’t come up with a set way we are going to go about things yet, but she says she wants to keep me in diapers as much as possible because she thinks it’s good for me.
 

One last thing. I know I am very lucky to be in my situation and I hope I don’t ever come off like I am rubbing my situation in anyone’s face while still talking about how my life is hard. I post this stuff because I know there are others here that have experienced much more than I have and I seek wisdom in the abdl world. Thank you again everyone, and I’ll post any updates.  

[SparklyPrincess]

It's OK. I think it's just about balance. I have a tendency to wear nappies every single night or even in the daytime, if something is upsetting me. For me, it's turning to ABDL maybe instead of addressing the thing that is causing me upset in an adult way. At that point, I realise I need to engage my healthy adult and just put ABDL to the side for a little while. 

I'm also learning how to set boundaries and say "no" when peoples' requests of me get overwhelming. I understand your guilt of putting too much on your wife but she sounds very accepting and maybe it's worth checking in with her that she's OK and not feeling drained. I really appreciate it when someone does that for me when I'm not feeling strong enough to set boundaries and it leads to a healthy conversation and problem solving, which brings us closer and validates my overwhelmed side. 

So instead of maybe spending weeks in little space myself, I learn to balance it better. You're not bad or wrong. I think just have this kind of conversation with your wife so you're both getting what you need. 

[Nat]

Maybe be solo about it and not expect her to be your mommy.