Diaper Jokes

[StillinDi]

Bottle Fed Baby

A woman and a baby come into the doctor's office.

She is taken into an examining room and waits for the doctor.

After arriving there, the doctor examines the baby, and finds him not gaining much weight and asks the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?"

"Oh...he is breast fed!", replied the woman.

"Well then, strip down to your waist," orders the doctor.

She takes off her top and bra and sits on the examing table.

The doc starts pressing, kneading and pinching both breasts for quite a while in a very detailed and thorough examination.

The doc motions to her to get dressed, then the doctor says -

"No wonder this baby is so hungry. You don't have any milk!"

The woman with a wry grin on her face responds..."Well of course I don't."

"I'm his aunt - but I'm SURE GLAD I brought him in!"

Baby Birth

An old county doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby.

It was so far out that there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5 year old child.

The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the new born baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.

"Well, hit him again," the child said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!".

Forty Thieves

Three men were discussing at a bar about coincidences.

The first man said, " my wife was reading a "Tale of Two Cities" and she gave birth to twins."

"That's funny", the second man remarked, "my wife was reading 'the Three Musketeers' and she gave birth to triplets."

The third man shouted, "Good God, I have to rush home!"

When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed, "When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali baba and the Forty Thieves!!!"

The Private Detective (Rated R)

A woman was pregnant with triplets and they were inside of her talking to each other. The first one said, " when i get out of here and grow up, i want to be a cave explorer because i want to know why it's so dark in here." The second one said, " when i get out of here and grow up, i want to be a aqua diver because i want to know why it's so wet in here." "Well," said the third one," when i get out of here and grow up, i want to be a private detective because i want to find out who that bald headed guy is that keeps coming in and out of here!"

Things Not To Say During Childbirth....

-- Gosh, you're lucky. I sure wish men could experience the miracle of childbirth. -- Do you think the baby will come before Monday Night Football starts? -- I hope your ready. The Glamor Shot photographer will be here in fifteen minutes. -- If you think this hurts, I should tell you about the time I twisted my ankle playing basketball. -- That was the kids on the phone. Did you have anything planned for dinner? -- When you lay on your back, you look like a python that swallowed a wild boar. -- You don't need an epidural. Just relax and enjoy the moment. -- This whole experience kind of reminds me of an episode from I Love Lucy. -- Oops! Which cord was I supposed to cut? -- Stop your swearing and just breathe. -- Remember what we learned in Lamaze class! HEE HEE HOO HOO. You're not using the right words. -- Your stomach still looks like there's another one in there.

Little Johnny's new baby brother

Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm. He asked his mom, “Where'd we get him?” His mother replied, “He came from heaven, Johnny.” Johnny says, “WOW! I can see why they threw him out!”

It might be the light.

Deep In the back woods of Tennessee, a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am

doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. Whoa there, said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there's another one coming." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!" said the doctor.

Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby.

"No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor. The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "You reckon it might be the light that's attracting' 'em?

Diapers and Politics.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly ... and for the same reason. Very soon they are all full of shit.

[Dill_Pickle]

Bottle Fed Baby

A woman and a baby come into the doctor's office.

She is taken into an examining room and waits for the doctor.

(snip)

Got me in stitches...thanks....Dill Pickle