kidnapping Academy M (Complete)

[BabyLexie]

Hottest story on this website, holy hell 🥵

[Mia Moore]

Mistake Twelve

Sure enough, Judith kept her word. We destroyed her underwear, and the defeat in her eyes was matched only by the bliss of her orgasm moments before. It was everything I wanted it to be.

Over the next two weeks, I got her to use two more of her Get Out Of Horny-Jail Free cards.

The first one was an accident: she was feeling a little under the weather, and I went into nurse mode. She asked for it because she said it was the only thing that would make her happy.

As it turned out, she'd forgotten to take her antidepressants two days in a row. I switched to a more proactive strategy, forcing her every morning to take her "good girl pill", which would help her obey me. They were still the same meds, but the roleplay engaged her.

The second time was on purpose: I told her that I was going to masturbate like a grown up. She was welcome to watch, but she didn't have permission to touch herself. In the end, she wound up on top of Papa and falling asleep on top of him in her wet and cummy diaper.

But there was one thing that kept eluding me. If I wanted her in diapers full time, without needing to use the bathroom, then she needed to mess herself. The only way I could convince her to do that was to have my time with her overlap with her need to poop. Unfortunately, she was obnoxiously regular. Once every two days, near bedtime. She never even asked for permission or tried to sneak away.

I tried a few different foods to make things less predictable, but she would just wait until I left. I gave her a laxative once, but it took so long for it to work that I was already gone. My "shifts" with her were only six to eight hours a day, and I couldn't make that timetable work in my favor.

We had a strong laxative at the Academy, but it was most effective with pink food. And pink food had other side effects. It would make her dumb and docile, and wet herself uncontrollably. It would make her mind mushy and malleable, easy to control. And when it was over, she'd remember everything. It was the last part that was the problem. Pink food worked great for other Candies, but I couldn't put Judith through all that and still keep her trust in me.

I practiced with some suppositories, to see how likely it was that I could get it in her ass without her feeling it. The results were very conclusive. Even if I slid one in before testing her temperature with a rectal thermometer, the suppository left a slight feeling of fullness deep in the body. That feeling went away after a while, but not long enough to keep a thermometer in her butt. And anyway, maybe that was too suspicious.

In the end, there were only two answers I could come up with. The first was to use the marker. The second was to wait. And I was never a very patient woman.

"I think I'm getting this diapering thing down," Judith said, almost proudly, when I entered the foyer of the beach house. It was so cute watching an adult woman express pride in taping on her own diapers.

"Lemme see," I said with a smile.

"Uh..." Judith didn't think that far ahead. She looked down at her jeans and pouted.

"Well?" I asked.

"Yeah, yeah, fine..."

Judith unbuttoned her own jeans and slid them down just a little. The tapes were in remarkably good spots, and it looked secure. Notably, she was also dry. Our "wet yourself" introductions had become more spontaneous than routine; that game had served its purpose.

"Hm... not bad... but..."

"But?"

"But I think it's a little lopsided. Let Nana change you into a fresh one." A diaper change was the perfect time to put my plan in motion.

"It's fine," Judith pouted. "I'm not even wet."

"Maybe you're just getting so used to diapers that you can't tell if you're wet?" I winked at her. A little casual gaslighting between friends. Then I took her by the hand and led her into her room.

"I still don't think this is necessary," Judith groaned, but she let me lay her down on the bed all the same.

It was so routine. Even though I wasn't diapering her on my arrival anymore, she almost always needed a change before I left. Every time she asked to use the bathroom, I would shut her down. So she would wet herself on my command. Today would be similar. She would have to ask to use the bathroom, and I would shut her down. I knew it would be a little trickier when it came to pooping her pants, but I had faith in my persuasiveness.

I balled up the unused diaper and threw it in the diaper pail we kept in her room. It was a must-have purchase after she gave up all her panties. Then I unfolded a new diaper and slid it under her butt, holding her ankles with one hand like I always did.

I tapped Judith three times on her inner thigh, then pulled the marker out of my pocket. I took off the cap and touched it to Judith's skin. I watched her look of embarrassed boredom fall away, and her eyes drooped a little. Her mouth became expressionless. I reached into the other pocket and grabbed the suppository. One should do the trick.

The marker was a powerful tool.  If I had wanted to, I could have taken away the feeling of needing to poop.  It would come on suddenly and always surprise her.  Or I could bond the sensation of pooping to arousal, so that each time she did she would cum.  But those options were too disparate from Judith's reality.  I'd established a baseline at the beach house, and altering it too drastically was dangerous.

Regardless, I didn't need all the bells and whistles Kenzō designed. Judith was already wrapped around my finger. All I needed to do was encourage her to use the bathroom a little, and the rest would fall down like dominos. I unwrapped the little suppository and took out a small tube of lubricant from my pocket. I oiled up my finger and lined the suppository up with Judith's rear end. Slowly, gently, I pushed it inside, my finger sliding in after it. Judith didn't so much as make a peep.

I checked my watch. I had to wait a good ten minutes before the sensation of the suppository started to fade away; I'd been testing them all week. In the meantime, I wasn't allowed to tidy anything. Anything out of place, and Judith might notice. So I stood in one spot for the longest ten minutes of my life.

After ten minutes passed - eleven, just to be sure - I tapped Judith's thigh three more times and she blinked her eyes open. I continued to diaper her as if nothing had happened. I generously powdered her and pulled the thick padding up between her legs.

As I taped each tape, I waited with bated breath for Judith to say something out of the ordinary. That her stomach felt weird, or that her butt was tingling. But she didn't. When I looked up at her, she was looking up at the ceiling. And when she did say something, it was just:

"I think you're just doing this because you like diapering me, and not because I actually needed a new one."

Thank goodness for the conversation starter, because it helped bring me back into "her" version of events, and not have to focus on pretending like I didn't just spend the past ten minutes outside of her chronology.

"Oh, is that what you think? Why is that?"

"Because I did a good job!" she said, filled with annoyance. But that annoyance came from pride. Pride at doing a good job diapering herself. So I smiled and told a lie, like I did so many other times.

"You're right. I just wanted to change you. You did a great job."

"You coulda just asked," Judith said.

"I'll keep that in mind.  But who knows, maybe soon you won't even notice what's happening in your diaper."

Judith rolled her eyes, but she blushed a little. I could tell that what I said had stirred up some uncertainty. Was she really on her way to not caring if she wet herself? It had become so much easier the past few weeks alone.

"C'mon. We can watch that movie you wanted to show me." I helped her off the bed and led the way out of the room.

"My pants!" she argued.

"You only keep your pants if I don't need to change you again, remember?" I teased.

"But you said yourself that you changed me for no reason!"

"But I did change you. Soooo..."

"Ughhhh... fine..." Judith huffed and pouted, but she was used to not wearing pants. A diaper and a t-shirt had been most of her wardrobe lately. She was lucky I didn't put her in more childish clothes.

As we made our way to the living room together, I did my best not to look at her as though she were a living time bomb, and thought about how best to leverage the experience. I could have her sit on the floor, playing with her hair when it happened. Or I could have her head in my lap?

"I want you to sit on my lap," I said.

"Uh, alright. That won't be too uncomfortable for you?"

There were a lot of downsides to Judith being a fully grown adult. One of them was that sitting on my lap for too long wasn't comfortable for either of us.

"If I get uncomfortable, you can move," I shrugged. "Let me get you a sippy cup first though."

Judith sat on my lap and I gently rubbed her back. She finished her sippy cup ten minutes into the movie and I got up to refill it.

"You're missing it!" Judith said, scrambling for the remote.

"What's so special about this movie anyway?" I asked, halfway to the kitchen, unscrewing the lid on her cup.

"It's one of my favorites. I watched it a lot when I was a kid."

"Well, if it's important to you, then it's important to me."

Which meant I'd have to actually watch the damn thing. I returned to the couch and passed her the sippy cup. She didn't get back on my lap, but she curled up at my side.

Okay, so the movie was called Oliver and Company, which was about a cat that joined a dog family or something. It really wasn't that interesting. I never really liked kids movies.

"Uhh..." Judith sat up a little, wincing.

"You okay, princess?"

"Yeah... fine. Um. Keep watching, my favorite part is coming up."

There was no way we were making it through this movie. But I pressed play anyway. The cat wound up adopted by a little rich girl. I wondered if Penny had seen the movie; I always thought that when I watched a kid’s movie. The rich girl made a huge mess in the kitchen, and I knew Penny would absolutely adore her. Maybe when this was all over, we could have another movie night with Eli and ———.

Thinking of Penny watching the movie made me smile. And that made me think of Judith. I was waiting for her to feel sick and humiliate herself in front of me, but she was actually showing me something important to her. So I decided to buckle in and take it seriously.

"This here," Judith said brightly. "This is my favorite song."

The little rich girl was playing a song on piano. It was about always being together, her and the cat.

We'll always be good company, you and me.

I looked at Judith out of the corner of my eye. I thought she'd be happy to hear her favorite song, but she just looked... sad.

"That was cute," I told her, when the song was over.

"Uhhuh." Judith smiled a fake smile and winced again.

"You okay?" I asked.

"Yeah, yeah. No. I'm okay." She turned her attention back to the movie.

I was right about not making it through the movie. It wasn't even five minutes later when Judith got to her feet.

"Where ya going?" I asked. "I can get you more water if you need it."

"No, um. I just need to use the bathroom..."

"You're already wearing your diaper, sweetheart." I watched her with a little smile on my face.

"I... I know that," she muttered, crossing her arms over her stomach, a little lower than her usual pout. She winced again and let out a sharp breath.

"So sit back down and let's finish the movie."

"No, I... I need to use the bathroom. Like... it's... an emergency..."

"Oh no, baby girl, what's the emergency?" I stood up and wrapped my arms around her. Judith whimpered and squirmed out of my hug and I tilted my head curiously. Her eyebrows pulled together as another cramp coursed through her stomach.

"I just... need to. I need the bathroom. Not for... diaper things. I'm just gonna..."

She stepped around the couch and headed for the bathroom. I didn't even chase after her.

"Judith," I said sharply. She froze in place. "Come here."

She gave me a pleading look. Then, painstakingly, she walked around the couch.

"What's going on?" I asked firmly.

"I... gotta use the bathroom..." Judith blushed. "I gotta... number two..."

Wow, this conversation really made her uncomfortable. Probably because it's not a conversation you usually have with a partner. It ruins the sex appeal to know that a woman poops. Well, for most people I guess.

"Okay? And do you think that the woman you're involved with, that likes when you're helpless and diapered, is going to have a problem with that?"

"I have a problem with that!" she said loudly, like the thought hadn't even crossed her mind. "No way, absolutely no way!"

"Judith. You're making a fuss over nothing."

"If it's nothing, then let me use the bathroom!" she shouted. Then another cramp hit and she whimpered a little.

"You tell me three reasons why you shouldn't be using your diaper, and I'll consider it."

"You have got to be fucking kidding me." Wow. Alright. I didn't see that coming. In all the months I'd known her, I think I had only heard her say fuck once before.

"Wow. I thought better of you." I crossed my arms.

Judith stared at me for a second, full of anger and... something else. Disappointment, maybe? Then she turned on her heel and walked away.

"Judith," I said sharply, but she didn't stop. She just walked into the other room and I heard the door slam.

What was I supposed to do? There was no point in Touching her again, not now. Her body and her mind were different things, and I could only control one of them. I'd have to use another Touch if I wanted to try this suppository trick again, but maybe that was a bad idea...

No, the best thing I could do was damage mitigation. The best thing I could do was to prioritize our rapport.

"Judith?" I waited a moment or two and followed her to the bathroom, but I stayed outside the door. I didn't have to give her privacy, but it wouldn't hurt to extend a little trust her way. I should have just been more aggressive with the marker. I shouldn't have left it to chance or agency.

"Go away," she said through the bathroom door. She was definitely angry, but she sounded tired too.

"I just want to talk, princess. Is that okay? I'm your Nurse before anything else, and I want to take care of my patient."

"I don't want to talk. Please go away."

I stood there for a moment. I didn't want to go away. I wanted to fix things. But part of any war is patience. If I barged into the bathroom now, it would only make things worse. But how was I supposed to make things better?

I took a deep breath and shook my head. No, if she needed space she needed space.

"Okay... I'll be out here if you need anything."

"No," she said sharply through the door. "Leave."

Like, the house? Was that really what she wanted? Or was she angry and overreacting? Then again, maybe letting her have her way, letting her tantrum play out, meant she would be more cautious in the future. Maybe I should just go.

"Alright baby girl, I'll see you tomorrow then." I waited a few moments to hear if she'd argue, but it didn't seem like she would. So I just left.

I watched her camera for a long time. She came out of the bathroom, checked the living room, and went right to bed. Oliver and Company was still on the TV.

She ignored me. She told me to leave. I thought I had control over her, that I could make her do anything I wanted. But at the end of the day, I was hardly a voice in her choir. How the fuck was anyone supposed to obey us? Even if we found the Star or the Chariot, how could we trust them? Was this whole plan doomed from the start?

I barely slept. I didn't know what to do about Judith. Everything was wrong. Everything I thought was wrong. I could Touch her again, but the suppository was my sixth. Seventh, since technically all Candies are Touched when they arrive. I only had three more, if that. I was so sure that I wouldn't need this fucking marker at all, and now look.

Fuck fuck fuck.

I could start her over, like Ai. She would forget everything. I could do better the second time around. But that thought made me sick to my stomach. I hated losing.

The next day, I went to visit Judith. I hesitated at the door. I didn't have a plan. I needed to assess the situation before I could do anything else. I stepped into the beach house and Judith was at the kitchen island. She looked up at me, but she didn't come running to her usual spot. I faked a smile.

"Good morning."

"Hey," she said.

"Are you feeling any better?" I asked.

She shrugged.

I hated this. I hated being at the disadvantage. I hated that she was mad at me and I had to dig my own way out of it.

"Did you want to talk about it?" I asked.

"No, not really," Judith said.

I sighed. Maybe this was wrong. Maybe I should just go back to basics. So I set down my bag and put on my best stern voice.

"Come here."

Judith looked over at me. She hesitated, but she got up. She walked over to me with her arms crossed. Okay, so it was working! But then I noticed Judith's jeans. I'd grown intimately familiar with those jeans, with how many times I'd washed them. I knew what they looked like on her body, and what they looked like over a diaper. And they certainly weren't over a diaper.

"You aren't wearing a diaper?" I asked, more confused than angry.

"No, I'm not," Judith sighed. "I'm not in the mood."

"The... mood?" I was floored. It wasn't a mood thing. Obedience wasn't about moods. She wore them because I told her to, because we had a deal!

"I see." I did my best to contain my frustration and bewilderment. "I suppose our deal is off, then?" I shouldn't have picked at the wound, but I was only human.

"Yeah, I guess..."

Judith looked down at her feet. Neither of us had anything to say for a minute. It felt like we were breaking up, and we weren't even together. She wasn't allowed to do this. Why was this happening?

"If what you want is for us to return to a strictly professional relationship, Judith, that's fine with me. But maybe it would be best if I assign you to another Nurse in that case." The threat was a nuclear solution, to be honest, but I was at a loss.

"It does seem like such a waste to throw away what we have over something so stupid, though," I added.

"It isn't stupid," she said. She spoke plainly and clearly, like she was reading it out of a book. "It hurt. You hurt me. And... I didn't think you would do that. So... fine. Assign me someone else."

Judith turned and walked away. I stood there for a moment, dumbfounded. Then I grabbed my bag and walked out of Judith's beach house, and into the quiet, lonely halls of Academy M.

[pizer]

My favorite chapter yet - very invested in this story!

[Mia Moore]

On 1/28/2024 at 11:41 PM, BabyLexie said:

Hottest story on this website, holy hell 🥵

Thank youuuuuuuuu!  

21 hours ago, pizer said:

My favorite chapter yet - very invested in this story!

Oh my gosh, I'm so glad!  

[Mia Moore]

Mistake Thirteen

I needed a break. I was going stir crazy at the Memoriam, and my fight with Judith had me on edge.  I reassigned the same attendant to take care of Judith that I had before, the one she didn't remember.  If Judith even mentioned my name, the attendant was supposed to text me.

If I was going to go on vacation somewhere, I wanted to go somewhere warm. Maybe back to South Africa, since it was late spring over there. I could visit family before the holidays.

But I wasn't going on vacation. Even if the Magistrate would approve the time off, I was too much of a workaholic to step away from the Academy project. So I went to the next best place: Academy Z.

Most of the Academies were in the United States; it was easier to keep track of them. But one Magister had land in Columbia. I wore a yellow sundress and a big floppy hat. The weather was perfect.

"Maryyyyy!" I couldn't stop the small woman from crashing into me. I almost fell down. She wore a children's school uniform and her hair in pigtails. I ruffled her hair playfully, but she broke our hug and slapped at my hands.

"I just did my pigtails," she said sourly. "Please be more careful."

"Sorry," I laughed. "Your hair still looks great."

"It better," she pouted, pulling on the ends to make them even. "Are those new glasses?"

"Ah, yeah," I sighed. "I mean, they aren't new.  But I got used to them, so…"

"Cool, cool, cool." But she didn't care about my glasses. "So what did you bring me?"

"Penny, manners." A man came up behind her with exhaustion written all over his face. He probably hadn't slept. Classic overachiever.

"Nice to see you, Kenzō," I said, pulling him in for a hug. He hugged me back. Both he and Penny were shorter than me.

"Marrryyyy," Penny whined. "Can I pleeeeaaaase have the thing you brought me?"

"Penny," Kenzō sighed.

"No, no, it's okay." I swung my purse around and reached inside. I pulled out a small candy, wrapped in red foil. Penny snatched it out of my hand.

"What is it?" she asked.

"Cherry Ripe. It's from Australia."

"Ooohhh..." She immediately started to unwrap it. Penny loved foreign candy, so I always brought something with me when I came to see her.

"How's M?" Kenzō asked.  Kenzō was a quieter guy with a lot of patience.  He was kind of spacey sometimes, because he would get lost in his head designing things.  He was the Academy's tech lead, and he was damn good at his job.  He was also Penny's boyfriend.

"It's so unbelievably dull," I groaned. "And Judith is really pissing me off, which makes it a thousand times worse."

"Things have been lively everywhere else," Kenzō said. "Now that all these places have residents, it feels like there's always something to do."

"Reassign me anywhere else," I joked, but not really.  If they took me off Judith's case, I wouldn't be held responsible.

"If I could, I'd have you working with us at Academy L," Kenzō said with a smile. "But your talents would be wasted there."

"Yeah?"

"None of the Candies would understand a word you're saying."

While Kenzō and I talked, I went over to Penny and lifted her skirt. Without breaking conversation, I stuck a finger in the leg band of her diaper. She nearly dropped her candy, slapping my hands away and taking two panicked steps backward.

"MARIA!"

"I'm surprised you're still dry," I teased.

"I changed her less than an hour ago," Kenzō added.

Penny blushed and went back to her candy. I knew she loved when people did stuff like that, teased her and checked her and treated her like a little girl. Thankfully, I'd had a lot of practice. Hell, Penny was the whole reason I'd had any practice at all. If it wasn't for her, we never would have come up with the regression angle for the Academies.

"Let's walk," I said, motioning down the path.

Academy Z was set up a lot like a zoo. The whole park was dotted with artificial environments. The outdoor playpens, parks, and playgrounds had high walls of glass around them. The indoor nurseries and daycares had a wall of glass to look in. There was never more than two or three Candies per exhibit, and the park was only half-full. Despite that, a hundred or so people were walking around, poking at the glass and cooing at the adult babies on the other side.

"This is a big turnout," I said, a little impressed.

"Some are Academy workers who wanted an all-expense paid vacation," Kenzō explained. "The rest are paid actors, participating in a 'psychological experiment'."

"You aren't worried about anyone taking pictures or telling someone about this?" I asked.

"We partnered with a few local colleges to offer credit for participation. They signed an NDA. If they say anything about it, they lose the credit and probably a lot of money."

"Hm... I guess when you act like something is normal, people think it's normal."

"Generally speaking."

"I wanna see the babies at the park!" Penny said excitedly.

She raced on ahead and Kenzō had to hurry to catch up. I waited on the bench while Penny made faces at the grown man in a diaper and a T-shirt. The man did his best to ignore her while he rocked on the little horsey ride. To him, Penny probably looked like an actual middle schooler and Kenzō her actual father. I mean, Penny was Korean and Kenzō was Hawaiian, but people are stupid. I imagined what it must be like to be watched like that by a dad and a little girl; the family angle was a strong move.

"Do you know what Eli and ——— are up to?" I asked, walking to the next exhibit.

"Problem solving, I suppose," Kenzō shrugged. He wasn't usually kept in the loop. Or rather, he didn't want to be. He wanted to work on his projects and not much else.

"Any new developments?" I asked, but that question was to Penny.

"Uhhhhh... well, the Hanged Man is out of the picture."

"Out of the picture?"

"Oh, he died."

Woah. Okay. I didn't expect that, especially out of Penny's mouth in her best little girl voice.

"He had to. It was inevitable," Penny said, maybe trying to assuage my concern. It must have been written all over my face.

"I know, I just... thought maybe it was a metaphor or something."

"He wrote poems," Penny said. "Even when he forgot how to write, he still kept trying to write poems. It was cute."

"How did he..." Did I even want to know?

"Well, I think he kinda fell apart," Penny pouted. "All the gaslighting, us pretending he was someone else. He wasn't sure of anything, and he wanted it to stop. When the attendant used the marker on him..."

The markers were prototypes at best. They had a lot of unexpected side-effects, and Kenzō was constantly updating them. But Penny was implying that the Hanged Man used the marker to create a reality where he wasn't alive anymore. That was a lot to take in...

"I've added a safety protocol since then," Kenzō added. "It won't happen again."

"And it doesn't matter," Penny added cheerfully. "In Eden, we can just bring him back! No harm done."

No harm done. The Academy was built around the idea that the ends justified the means. A few broken eggs now, but we would make it better. We could fix everything in the end. We could have our cake and eat it too. But knowing that we made a man so willing to die... I thought about Judith.

I went up to a glass pane and looked inside. A little girl was banging on the other wall, on the far side of the little room. She knew there had to be a way out of the cubicle, decorated with a dozen plushies and foam puzzle-piece tiles. She glanced sideways at me, and I smiled. I tapped the glass and cooed at her. I watched her shake her head.

Then the girl suddenly froze. She doubled over onto her hands and knees and I watched her face scrunch up. The seat of her onesie expanded as she pushed, filling her diaper. I imagined what the smell in that little room must be like for her. The next time she caught my gaze, I laughed. I pointed and motioned for Kenzō and Penny. They laughed too, and the girl inside began to sob.

Humans were so easy to break. But after we got what we needed, she wouldn't remember any of it anyway. Trauma is still trauma if you never remember it, but what if it never happened? What if we can go back and change our means after we get to the ends? Is that still a bad thing?

My day with Penny and Kenzō was calm and relaxing. It reminded me of our time together before we found Judith. It was just the vacation I needed, and I still got to work. But at the end of the day, as we were heading out of the park, I still had one question.

"Is this really the best use for me right now? Staying with Judith? There's so much else going on..."

"Penny thinks so," Kenzō shrugged.

"She's really powerful," Penny pouted. "I still don't know which Arcana she is, and I spend hours every day trying to figure it out."

"Do you think she's the Star?" I asked.

"No, I don't. But I can't be sure. And what if she's the Tower? Or the Fool? There's a lot worse things she could be..."

"Fool seems appropriate," I sighed. "She's far too trusting."

"If you keep her in check, and it won't matter who she is," Penny reassured me. "If we control her, she can't hurt us."

"Sure, sure." If we could control her.  But what if we couldn't?

"Just keep being you," Penny said brightly. "You can do anything."

Penny was sometimes an anomaly. Acting like a little girl was so natural for her, but then there were moments like that. She was smart. She did her job well. And I knew, in a perfect world, she wouldn't have to be smart or do her job well to matter. She could just be a little girl and be loved for it. Maybe that was why she was on this project in the first place.

As a reward for all her hard work, once we were away from the zoo and away from the Candies, I stuck my hand up the back of her dress again. Her cheeks went crimson.

"Seems like your little girl needs a diaper change," I said to Kenzō.

"Well, then we better get going."

I hugged them both goodbye. They wanted me to stay for longer, but I needed to get back to work.  I had to figure out what to do about Judith.

The flight back to Academy M took a while, and I thought a lot about my talks with Kenzō and Penny. My job was to figure out who Judith was, and why she mattered so much. I needed to figure out her role. But all I could think about was that man, the one that died. He died feeling broken. He died scared and alone. I should have taken another few days off. I should have gone to Rachel, my on-staff therapist. I hadn't had an appointment with her since I met Ai.

I thought I could handle it. I thought I was handling it. But I was mistaken.

[princesstreegirl]

Penny kinda reminds me of an Ageplay version of the young girl from Gundam 00, the one floating upside down in the colony from episode 1. So juvenile and yet so cryptic. She gives me the creeps and I love it!! Way to compound the stress onto Marry and up the stakes with the possibility of a mental breakdown like “The Hang Man.” I can see why Judith is taking it slow with Judith. I keep wanting to understand more about these Academics and their purpose. Keep up the great work!!

[Mia Moore]

8 hours ago, princesstreegirl said:

Penny kinda reminds me of an Ageplay version of the young girl from Gundam 00, the one floating upside down in the colony from episode 1. So juvenile and yet so cryptic. She gives me the creeps and I love it!! Way to compound the stress onto Marry and up the stakes with the possibility of a mental breakdown like “The Hang Man.” I can see why Judith is taking it slow with Judith. I keep wanting to understand more about these Academics and their purpose. Keep up the great work!!

Ahhh!  I'm so glad you're enjoying it!!   Yeah Penny is a downright genius, but she is also a Little.  She's one of my favorite characters right now.

I promise, you'll get all the answers you're looking for very soon!  Like, two or three more chapters, I think.  I have some exposition to give you.  

~Mia~

[Mia Moore]

Mistake Fourteen

I was away from Judith for almost a week. Paul - my replacement - kept me abreast of the situation. Judith never mentioned me. She never asked where I was. But he said she "seemed sad", for whatever that was worth.

I really didn't have any options. I had to erase everything. I had to take away the past week, along with the day she nearly messed herself. It was the only way I could get things back on track.

When I saw Judith again, she barely reacted. I could see the light in her eyes as they locked with mine, but that was it. Then she looked back down at her novel. Paul said he was giving her books now, and she would go through two or three a day. I set her medication down on the counter and went to sit on the couch beside her. Or, a few cushions away.

"Hey," I said, wondering how close I could get to her without her pulling back. If I could touch the marker to her skin.

"Hey," she said, a little distantly, lost in thought. Her eyes didn't move, even as she stared at the book. She wasn't reading.

"How's the book?" I asked.

"Fine," she said.

Not like she would remember it anyway. She wouldn't remember any of the two-dozen books she'd read. I sighed and uncapped the marker behind my back, then scooted a little closer to her.

This was for the best.

"Maria..." Judith said quietly, just as I leaned in to Touch her. I froze at my own name; she never called me that anymore.

"Yeah?" I asked.

"I'm... really sorry."

It was a good opening. I could have leaned in further for reassurance. A gentle Touch to her hand. But I... I guess I was curious about what she had to say. So I leaned back instead.

"Sometimes I feel like... our relationship... I don't know. That you don't care about me. That I'm just... something for you to play with at work."

"That's not true," I lied. "I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable."

"I know," Judith sighed, closing her book. She still didn't look up at me. "I'm a little insecure sometimes, and I love doing things for you... but that last day felt so... manipulative..."

Probably because it was. But I didn't say that.

"I just wish... you'd trust me a little more. To make you happy. Because sometimes it feels like you're playing a game, trying to trick me and stuff. But you don't have to. You can just tell me what you want."

"And you'd just do it?" I asked, more sarcastically than I'd intended.

"I think so, yes," Judith said, looking up at me with a fake smile. "I see how proud you get... when you get your way. When you... I don't know. Win?"

"I'm not trying to win," I argued.

"Yeah, you are," Judith laughed. "And that's okay! I don't mind losing. Just... tell me the rules. Let me play too. Don't lie to me or trick me..."

I wasn't sure what to say. Manipulating her into doing what I wanted was part of the game. Sure, her role had to be consensual, but informed was not a requirement to reach our goals. If she felt like my equal, was I ever really in control?

She always had a choice... I just didn't want her to know it. I wanted her to think her choices were mine to make.

"You okay?" Judith asked nervously.

"Yeah, um..." I clicked the cap back on the marker. "I'm sorry too. Maybe I'm also insecure sometimes?"

"Maybe," Judith smiled. "Do you want to talk about, uh... last time? With the..."

"Sure," I sighed. "I just saw an opportunity. I thought if you pooped in your diaper—"

Judith visibly shuddered. I stared blankly at her.

"Sorry," Judith blushed a little. "Bathroom talk is super weird to me. I've had some bad experiences."

"Oh." I didn't know that. "You seemed okay with it, with wetting..."

"I wasn't," Judith admitted. "It took a lot of getting used to. I'm still not great about it, but funnily enough the childish terms help a lot. Wetting, accidents, blah blah blah..."

"I'll try to avoid more... overt bathroom terms," I conceded.

We were both quiet for a moment, then Judith asked:

"So you really want this? For me to..."

"I do," I said. But now I wasn't sure why. It was supposed to be a demonstration of her lack of control, of her inability to do something as simple as use the toilet without my permission. But now it was just because I wanted her to. I couldn't tell if she was still in spec.

"Do you mind if I ask... why do you like all this stuff?"

"I've told you that," I said.

"No, you've told me that you like powerless girls. But there's a lot of other ways to make me feel powerless, other than... ya know. Treating me like a baby."

"That's just... what I want," I said. Because that was what the Academy was built on. Because we decided regression was the perfect bridge between acceptance, dependence, and imagination. It was necessary to meet our ends.

"You're lying," she said flatly.

Oh, now she can tell when I'm lying?

"Fine, um..." I had to think of a way to spin this.

"You know the saying, ignorance is bliss? Like, if we didn't have to be privy to everything all the time, we could be happy? It's like Adam and Eve and the apple. Sure, sin existed, but they didn't know any better. They were pure and innocent, and God never blamed them for it."

"God gave them the rule: don't eat the apple of knowledge or whatever," Judith continued the story. "But Eve was tempted by the snake, and she did. They learned about sin, and then they were culpable."

"Yes, exactly," I said. "But what if they weren't? What if you could take that apple away before Eve took a bite, or you could shoo the snake from your garden?"

"That's not possible," Judith said. "We're born with it. Even as babies, even if we don't understand it yet, we still have the capacity to know."

"Sure, but..." How was I supposed to explain it? The difference between a grown adult and a little kid? I never even thought about it myself until Penny.

"I have a friend," I said, speaking honestly for once.  I opened up to her.  A mistake, no doubt. "She and her boyfriend play this game, where he takes care of her. But it was her idea, not his. She asked him for it. And when he does it - when he dresses her up, or he changes her diapers, or he treats her like a little kid - she's just... different. She's the same girl, but so much lighter. So unencumbered. So happy. And when we... when I thought about you and me, I thought about the two of them. That, if there was a way to mix in my dominance while making someone else feel that way? That lightness? That's what I wanted. I wanted to give someone freedom from culpability, and to know that I could be responsible for them instead."

I never thought about it like that before, but wasn't that the whole reason we were doing this? The Academy wasn't entirely altruistic, but we were going to build a better world. We could take away sin. We could recreate Eden. If it took a bit of manipulation to get there... well, wasn't that worth it?

"I think that's very sweet," Judith smiled. "I think I understand a little bit better now. Thanks for sharing that."

"Sure." I felt relieved, but also… just a little bit lost. The structure upon which all this was built was supposed to be stable, and I felt like my footing was wrong.  My expectations and my reality were not lining up very well.

I just needed to talk about something else.  So we talked about something else.

I mentioned visiting some friends and taking time off work. She mentioned that Paul would only play one board game with her before he got bored, or he would check his watch when watching TV shows. Whenever she would ask a difficult question, Paul always said something about asking me and getting back to her. Like, when could she leave? And was her dad still getting her letters?

Despite our catching up, Judith and I didn't feel right. I remembered what Judith said about manipulating her, and the idea of using the marker still wasn't completely off the table. It would have been the easier path forward, but I'd used six Touches already. If there was another way, I had to at least try.

"I don't want to push you," I lied, "but do you think things could go back to normal? Acting like this feels... kind of awkward."

"Yeah, I think so too," Judith nodded. "I really appreciate you asking."

We were both quiet for a moment. Maybe those words were some magic panacea, that having said them would put that change out into the universe. I don't know if either of us held our breaths, but I did feel a little dry in the mouth when I spoke again, so maybe I had been.

"Let's watch a movie."

Judith took her meds and I set up a movie on the TV. We weren't ten minutes into it when I pulled Judith onto my lap. It wasn't ten minutes after that when I whispered in her ear:

"Wet yourself."

Heat pooled between my legs as she leaked through her denim jeans. I waited until she was completely done, when the couch cushion was soaked, before I threw her off me in a huff.

"Judith!" I snapped, filled with mock anger. I saw a bit of worry on her face, so I dialed it back. "Another accident? You just told me that you had been dry all week."

"I... uh..." Judith couldn't make eye contact. Even after so many accidents, she still had such a strong shame response.

"I'm not going to keep cleaning up after you," I said, sounding exhausted. "We're fixing this little problem once and for all."

I reached down and grabbed her by the wrist, pulling her up to her feet. I dragged her through the living room and into the bedroom. Before stripping her of her wet jeans, I held up one of the diapers from her top drawer.

"You'll be wearing these from now on, do you understand?"

Judith blushed deeply and gently nodded her head.

"Yes Nana..."

Judith kept good on that promise. We had another "cutting up your panties" moment after the diaper change, destroying the pairs Paul had brought her. Once again, Judith was my little diaper girl. And once again, I was bumping up to the same problem.

Two weeks later, the stars aligned: while I was at the beach house, Judith had to poop. I knew it just had to happen once, and it would be easier after that. Every ounce of me wanted to tie her to the bed until it happened. But I was nervous. I needed Judith to trust me. I wanted her to trust me.

"I'm gonna use the bathroom, okay?" she asked in a very quiet voice. At least she asked.

"You're sure?" I tried to sound condescending, but it came out a little forlorn.

"I'm sorry," Judith muttered, looking at her feet. She looked like she might actually cry. So I took her pacifier, dangling from her shirt, and put it between her lips.

"Get me when you're done," I said. "I'll put you in a new diaper."

She nodded and left the room. I slid down the couch and sighed. Ugh. What was I even doing? But a long con requires a long time. I needed to be patient.

Judith and I talked about it after that, as I was taping her into a fresh diaper.

"I want to," she said. "I'm just scared."

"I know," I said calmly. "There's no rush."

"But every time I use the bathroom, I feel a little guilty. It just feels wrong..."

"That's because you're a little girl," I teased. But honestly, the guilt of using the toilet was pleasantly unexpected. It was only a matter of time.

"I keep thinking, if you're here when I gotta go, I'll do it. But you aren't. And then this time, you were. And I chickened out."

"Why is that?" I asked.

"I don't know... it's really awkward. Worse than having accidents. It feels so intentional..."

"So are accidents, in your case." I powdered her and pulled the diaper between her legs.

"It's not the same..." Judith sighed.

"Well..." I taped each tape down as I thought, until she was snugly in her diaper. "What if I make it worth your while?"

"What do you mean?" she asked.

"I mean, you only wet yourself the first time so I would kiss you. And you only wear your diapers now because you got five passes for sex. Which you still have two of, by the way."

"I didn't forget."

"So maybe you just need some incentive."

"But... I have everything I want," Judith said. Which was very romantic, and an outright lie.

"What about grown up sex?" I asked. She blinked in surprise. "You want that, don't you?"

"I... yeah. I just thought... I mean, yes. I do." I could see the confusion swirling in her eyes.

"One time," I said. "As a thank you."

Judith gently nodded her head without giving it any thought at all.

I should write a book. Unpottytraining Someone Using Guilt and Promises. It really did have a nice ring to it, didn't it?

Judith didn't mention our deal again, not for a while. I was just about to start pushing the issue again when Academy M got some new residents. Jamie and Erik.

Erik was one of the Witting; he, and hundreds like him, knew what the Academy was doing and was eager to help. A Witting had no access to the outside world until the Academy project was complete, and in return for their services, they'd get a wish. The Academy needed workers and it was a sweet deal.

Of course, a majority of the workers at the Academy were Unwitting. They thought they were here for some other purpose, helping care for sick or damaged people. They were paid in money or favors, but their participation was voluntary. They could leave at any point, unless they started to learn things they shouldn't.

Jamie was a Candy. She was entirely unremarkable, as far as I could tell, but she had broke after only four Touches. It was a record low.

"You're not going to reset her?" I asked, looking over Erik's notes.

"She's wasting resources," Erik sighed. "She's a total handful, and Penny put her likelihood at 2%."

"I guess this is why we made the Memoriam," I sighed, signing the bottom of the document.

Erik kept mostly to himself as the days went on. I think I intimidated him, to be honest. It was kind of flattering. A week later, Erik got another charge. Felicia. She was another troublemaker, and a grade A liar. She played the system like a pro, and didn't find any shame in diapers. After two transfers and a chat with Penny, she had been sent to the Memoriam too. Penny thought she liked the attention.

I was so swamped with real work for a change that one day, I was caught by surprise when Judith tugged on my sleeve and said:

"I really have to use the bathroom..."

"Oh, you do?" There was disappointment in my tone. At first I made the assumption that she wanted permission to toddle off and take care of her business, but... well, her voice was small and quiet, and her cheeks were as red as the fake sunset over the ocean.

"Yeah, um..." Judith's voice was such a whisper that it was hard to hear, even in the silent living room. "But if... you had a reason I couldn't... that would be... understandable..."

And there it was - she wanted permission. Or rather, she wanted to not be given permission. I thought of a hundred ways I could stop her from going to the bathroom, and using her diaper for that instead. Deals. Threats. Promises. Instructions. In the end, I went for kisses. I sat down. pulled her into my lap, and I put one hand on her cheek.

"You're too busy kissing me to make it to the bathroom, Judith. Isn't that right?"

I leaned up and kissed Judith on the lips. My kisses were perfectly practiced. They were soft and hard, rushed and patient. They were a perfect ebb and flow, like the tide. Within a minute, Judith was out of breath and her eyes were glossy. It was so easy to turn off her brain sometimes.

Five minutes later, she wiggled a little on my lap and shook her head. She was struggling to focus, but there was a bigger issue. She couldn't get comfortable.

"I gotta use the bathroom..." she repeated again.

"You're my little diaper-trainee, Judith." I used kisses instead of punctuation, and I made certain to keep her off-balance, to keep her from coming up for air. "You're my baby girl, and I'm going to keep you this way; you're better this way. Helpless, and pliant, and all all all mine. Your body wants to fight, but your heart wants to give me everything, and your mind... well, it'll do what it's told, won't it? Just like you will."

"But..." The monologue had clearly affected Judith. Her gaze was flitting between my eyes and my lips, painted with soft red lipstick.

"Kiss me," I said. And she did.

A few minutes later, Judith whimpered into my mouth. She broke our kisses and ducked her head down, so that I could see the top of her hair.

"I can't do this," she muttered, trembling a little.

I wanted to just continue kissing her, but truth be told... I'd never shit myself in a diaper before. For all the experimenting I'd done, for all the practice I'd had, I never quite got that far. I thought back to all the videos I watched of cam girls filling their diapers... they made it look so easy. Then again, pissing myself the first time was a lot harder than I thought too. Maybe Judith wasn't playing obstinate; maybe this was just a rough pose.

"Let's go to your bedroom, then."

I led Judith by the wrist toward the bedroom. She tugged at my grip, which was either a playful attempt at getting away or the last bits of her pride taking momentary control of her body. Either way, it lasted only a moment and the two of us were in her room. Her eyes darted to the ensuite bathroom and I smiled.

"I gotta—"

"Shh," I cut her off.

Her face contorted in annoyance, then pain. She whimpered and crossed her arms over her stomach. She was wearing a frilly crop top with the word 'Princess' across the front, which did nothing to hide the thick white diaper with blue and yellow lines. I kept wanting to switch her to something more infantile, but her medical kink was still so strong. Maybe I could use that.

"Oh sweetheart, are you having tummy pains? Are you having other symptoms, too? Should I examine you? Put you up on the bed, run my hands down your body; listen to your heartbeat? I wonder what my stethoscope would find if I ran it over your diaper, mm?"

I watched her cheeks change color like a mood ring. She looked up at me with longing in her eyes. Over the past few months, she had become more accustomed to my role as her Nana, and a little less so as her nurse. The two were one in the same, but the latter definitely had a bit more sway when it came to arousal.

"I, um... gotta..."

"Lie down," I finished her sentence for her. "Can you do that for me?"

"Um..." Her eyes darted once more to the bathroom, then she nodded her head. "Yes, Nana..."

She gently got up on the bed, with movements like a jilted puppet, and shuffled around before lying down. I sat down next to her on the bed and put a hand to her forehead.

"Oh dear, you're quite warm... a fever, or could it be something else?" I moved that same hand down to her tummy... and then up her chest, to rest above her heart.

"Elevated heart rate, too..."

"Nana..." Judith whimpered.

Every touch and every word made her squirm. We hadn't had sex all week, and I knew she was needy. Why else would she even consider shitting herself?

"Let's see..." With careful professionalism, I touched the front of Judith's diaper. Then, with no professionalism at all, I squeezed it against her skin. She shivered and rocked against my hand, but I pulled away.

"No, you're still dry. So you don't need a diaper change."

"Nana!" Judith said a little louder. Then her face pulled together again and she whined. Another cramp.

"Warm cheeks, rapid heartbeat, whiny little needy noises, and a completely dry diaper? What a mysterious diagnosis for my favorite patient. Let's have a listen to that tummy then, shall we?"

I kept a stethoscope in Judith's room just for moments like this. Most days I still wore my pink scrubs too; my role as her nurse was never far from Judith's mind. I took the stethoscope out of her nightstand and put it in my ears. Then I raised Judith's already short top and touched the cold metal to her stomach. She twitched in response.

"Hmm..." I moved the stethoscope from one position of her belly to another, and then to another. I kept making pensive, curious sounds. The theatrics, of course, were mostly to distract her from getting too balled up in her own anxieties; if she could focus on me, she could focus less on squeezing her insides into knots.

"Well, I do find this quite distressing," I said, keeping that professionalism in my voice. "You seem to be having trouble using your diapers."

"Mmm..." Judith whimpered and tried to roll over, but I held her in place with one hand.

"That's probably just anxiety though," I said warmly, running my fingertips up her thigh, against her stomach, and to her neck. I twisted my fingers in her hair. "Maybe you just need a good cuddle and some reassurance."

I climbed into Judith's bed, forcing her onto her side. With a bit of maneuvering and a lot of whimpering on her part, I managed to pull Judith on top of me, so that her head was pressed against my chest and the crotch of her diaper was on my thigh. I was mostly lying down, with a bit of sitting up, and started playing with her hair again.

"Pull your legs up so that your weight is on your knees," I whispered to her. Judith did as she was told, so that her diapered butt rose into the air. It was like child's pose in yoga, except that her arms were curled around me and her head was on my chest.

"I dunno about this," Judith muttered. She tried to sit up, but I could easily hold her in place with one hand on her back and the other in her hair.

"That's because you're new to this, so it's scary and unknown. But get through this and it won't be new anymore; it'll become normal. Normal, and repeatable. And it just gets easier..." I bounced her just a little bit with my knee, "and easier, and easier…"

Judith whimpered a little as the diaper pressed between her legs, but these whimpers were ones of pleasure. Then, there was another whimper of pain and she dug her nails into my shirt. I played gently with her hair.

"Shh... you gotta relax, princess. You want to feel better, don't you? Your body is fighting back, telling you that you're a big girl who uses the potty. But you know that's not true. Your heart and your mind know better. Don't let your body be in charge. Listen to your heart. Listen to your mind. Listen to me."

"Mmm..."

"Don't let you body control you..." I lowered my voice to a whisper; a sexy whisper. "Let me control you. Be everything I've ever wanted you to be. Give everything else away, and keep only what I say to be. Relax, close your eyes, let it all go. Every bit of doubt, every bit of struggle, all your maturity, let it all out, push it all away."

I could feel her body relax in my arms. Then I could feel it tense. Any time a cramp would hit, she would whimper and squirm, and I would press my knee to the front of her diaper. Then she would settle back down. She shuffled her knees a bit and I kept playing with her hair.

"That's a good girl... soak up all my words. Let all your thoughts go. Let your body go. Trust your heart. Trust me to know what's best for you. This is best for you. A little girl in her nurse's lap, filling her diaper. Just like she's told. Can you do that for me?"

"Mm...mmhmm..." Judith's head nodded against my chest.

It was a long time coming, but I knew she'd surrender. I could tell by the way she sighed, like a deflating balloon. I played with her hair, and I spoke clearly:

"Push for me sweetheart, and burn this memory into your mind so it can never ever fight back. You do wear diapers, you do need diapers, you do wet your diapers, and you do mess your diapers. Helplessly, sweetly, casually, normally. Push for me sweet girl, show me the real you."

Judith's body tensed again, but this time it wasn't paired with a whimper. It was paired with a groan and the quietness of Judith holding her breath. Her body trembled, just a bit, and I could feel every muscle in her body squeeze together. I had seen enough people poop their diapers. I'd seen it Ai do it a lot. It was never a very grand experience from the perspective of the dominant, but I imagined it felt a lot different to Judith.

Finally, her body shuddered a little and the tension relaxed. It didn't spasm like when she would cum; it was a gradual exhale. The only reason I knew she was done was because of the smell. A thick stink. Noticeable, but not too bad. Or maybe I was just used to it.

I put my hand on her cheek, and I guided her flushed and sweaty face upward enough that I could look her in the eye. I kissed her. Passionately. The hardest part was over. She'd crossed her own personal Rubicon, and she'd earned a reward.

I flipped Judith sharply on her back and she landed on the seat of her diaper. The smell in the room grew stronger and I pressed my hand between her legs. There was no foreplay, no build up. I went from zero to a hundred, and every drop of expertise went into touching her diaper. So how she stopped me, I'll never know.

"Nuh uh, nuh uh," Judith was trembling, but she managed to shove my hand out from between her thighs. Her face was blistering red, but she wasn't crying. I thought that was a win.

"Shh," I whispered. "Be a good girl, and—"

"Nuh uh!" Judith cut me off. Her whole body was tense, like she was too afraid to move or fight. I could have overpowered her if I wanted. But I didn't. I sighed and sat up a little.

"You are such a good girl," I pouted a little. "Let me reward you."

Judith shook her head. "You promised..."

Ah, right. I smiled warmly and shook my head. "And I'll keep that promise," I said. "We can do it tomorrow."

Judith shook her head again. "Now."

"Princess..."

"I'm feeling... a little scared right now," Judith said, unable to look at me. "I want to feel like a big girl."

I was about to argue that she wasn't a big girl. That she was just a little baby in a messy diaper. But then she said: "Please..."

I sighed. Whatever. I'd gotten what I needed out of this. "This counts as one of your free sex cards," I chided.

"Deal." Judith got up off the bed so carefully. The seat of her diaper sagged with the weight of what she'd done. I wanted so badly to swat it, to sit her back down on it, and to make her cum in her messy diaper. But there would always be a next time.

When I was alone in the room, I pulled the marker out of my pocket. The cap was pink. It seemed like it was time to fast-track my plans.

Judith took longer than she should have in the shower. I wasn't surprised. Then I heard the blow dryer. She really wanted to look nice for this whole sex thing, huh? When she came back into the bedroom, she was wrapped in just a towel and her hair was dry.

"You look beautiful," I lied. She looked fine. Judith wasn't conventionally sexy or anything, but she was hot enough. And I hadn't had sex in months, not real sex. "How are you doing?"

"I'm still feeling a little insecure about... all that," she admitted.

"Was it as bad as you thought?" I asked. "No, not really... I just feel kind of gross."

"You'll get used to it." As I talked about promises of more diapers, I juxtaposed it by slowly and sexily sliding my pink pants down to my ankles.

"Tell me your fantasy with me," I said. "Tell me the grown-up sex you want."

"Oh, uh..." Judith blushed a little bit. "I didn't really get that far, I guess? I just thought... you and me. Like, you know. No games, no playing... an intimate me-and-you moment..."

"I think I can work with that."

Despite everything that happened, it seems Judith's libido was still going strong. The shower had cleansed her of her shame, and now she got to do something she had wanted since the first week we met. She was finally going to have sex with me.

I stripped off my own top and unclasped my bra from behind. Judith walked over to me in just her towel and put her hand on my cheek. Then we kissed. And then we stopped. I took half a step away and looked at Judith, with those faraway vacant eyes. I put the cap back on the marker and put it back in my pocket. Then I took a half step back to where I was and waited a moment or two for her to kiss me again.

From that point on, Judith would get turned on just like she always had. She still found nurses sexy. She still loved my red lipstick. She would still fantasize and daydream about me, about other women, as often as before. But after that moment, she wouldn't be able to cum without a diaper taped around her hips. And she was about to discover that the hard way.

She fell backward on the bed, where only an hour ago she was filling her diaper, and her towel slipped off her body. I hooked my thumbs in the waistband of my black panties and shimmied them down my legs.

"I'm going to make you feel so very good, Judith."

I was naked before I climbed on top of her; I wanted her to see me in all my glory. I wanted her turned on, I wanted her needy. I wanted her obsessed and crazed. I wanted her to be completely unable to understand why she couldn't finish.

There was a part of me that wanted to monologue and narrate, as though I was a video-game villain.  About how far she had fallen, and how adult sex was beyond her.  But this was her moment, so I kept my mouth shut.  I knew it would be the last moment she ever had like this.

I moved my hands to each of her wrists and pinned them to the bed, then moved one knee between her thighs.  I covered her lips with mine, but I knew she wanted more than just a passionate kiss.

I chained columns of kisses like marching schoolgirls down her neck, where I found her collarbone. I bit down firmly and possessively on her neck. Judith tensed up beneath me, and a little gasp of surprise escaped her lips. Hickeys were pretty juvenile, but then again… so was the person I'd turned Judith into.

As I kissed around the teeth-marks I'd left on her skin, I traced my fingers down her tummy to the inside of her thigh.  Judith's back arched, pushing her cunny into my hand.  She twisted and squealed as my fingers dipped inside her.  It was the first time anything had been inside her in so long.

In response, I shuffled back up and kissed her lips again. Slowly, in synchronicity with the movements of my fingers, like music at a fireworks display. An apt comparison. She squeezed her thighs around my hand, tensed up, and realized she needed to open her legs more if she wanted me to continue finger-fucking her. Judith forced herself to relax.

Judith needed this, and Judith needed me. I made love to the girl that had just shit her pants half an hour earlier, the girl who had become less and less of an adult with each passing day. But there was no end in sight for Judith.

"More, faster, please, more." Judith gasped in the moments I left her between kisses, and I figured I could get away with a little bit of mock-villainy.

"Oh, you want more, sweetheart? You want me to go faster? I don't know, you might finish before I say so, and that just wouldn't do…"

Judith whimpered and reached down with her free hand, gripping my wrist and trying to force my fingers deeper into the nexus of lust between her legs. Oh baby Judith, you really don't understand how futile this is, do you? But how could you?

"Maybe I don't turn you on enough," I teased. "Maybe you're just not needy enough…"

"Shut up," she whimpered, like a girl barely keeping her head above the ocean. "Get, go, kiss kiss… go down, N-Nana."

"Oh? What's that?" I snuck into her mind like a thief, stole her words, and planted them back into her brain through her ear. "My little baby girl needs me to kiss between her legs? Use your words."

"Y-y-yeah! Between my legs, my p-pussy."

"Nope, try again," I said. I could tell she was surprised by the instruction, and it was so clear from her eyes that any thoughts broadcast inside that head of hers were received like a snowy picture from an untuned television set. And like a TV set waiting to receive, I made sure to send the appropriate signal.

"Tell me to kiss your princess parts." I debated on "diaper area", but figured that could come later. Unlike Judith, who wouldn't be cumming at all. Well, not without her diapers.

"No… I… that's…"

I pulled fingers away from the soft hotness between her legs and that certainly motivated her. Compliance overflowed from her lips.

"My princess parts! Nana, Nananana…please kiss my princess parts."

That was much better. And who was I to deny her? I shimmied down her body like wet jeans being shimmied down her legs, and I set to work in demonstrating that my tongue wasn't just good at talking the talk. Her hands found the back of my head, and she tangled her fingers in my hair.

I didn't hold back. I didn't underachieve. And I didn't give her a moment of reprieve. But the curve of her arousal was perpetually cursed to hit 99% and then drop back down, like a sneeze that never came.

I didn't know exactly how long I was eating her cunt before her whimpers and moans became frustrated gasps. Then, eventually tears. Then, a sense of abject exhaustion. Abruptly, and with the backing track of her own frustrated crying, Judith let go of my head. Every bit of energy in her body faded away as she sunk deeper into the bedsheets. It was now time for me to be the supportive partner, the responsible lover, the concerned and ethical nurse. So I asked her in a clear and concise voice, removed from the arousal of the moment: "Judith? Are you okay? Are you green?"

"I can't!" She choked on her own tears and batted at her eyes with the backs of her hands, as though she could stop me from realizing she was sobbing.

"You can't…?"

"It's not, I can't, it, I… I don't know, it's not…"

"Calm down, baby girl, what's the matter?" I should have gotten an Academy Award for my playing dumb.

"I'm fine, it's fine, it's dumb, dumb dumb dumb, just, dumb, go, I…"

Wow, that was high levels of incoherence even for Judith. I could tell she was frustrated and confused, but most of all, I could tell she was… embarrassed.

"It's alright, baby girl. You've been under a lot of stress."

"You're so stupid sexy! You're a nurse, and your lipstick, and you're tall and sexy and hot and sexy and I don't know why I can't!"

She clawed at the covers and pulled them up over her naked body, and even over her head. Did she think that the problem would go away if she couldn't see me? Well, I had been training her to become a diaper-dependent child, so childish behaviors were definitely Judith de Jour.

"Hey, Judith..?"

"Go away, Judith's not home."

"Oh, she's not?"

The blanket mound shook as she shook her head, and I was actually delighted to see how childish her defense mechanisms had become.

"Well, can I leave a message for her?"

A momentary pause, and then she nodded. "Short one…"

"Well, I just want Judith to know that it's okay. This won't be the last time we make love. And I'll just do better next time."

Judith was quiet for a moment, and then I heard something inaudible.

"What was that? I didn't hear that quite so well, sweetheart."

"It doesn't matter…"

"Alright, well, I'm going to go freshen up in the bathroom. And then I'll come back and get you taped up in a nice fresh, soft, cottony, crinkly diaper. Does that sound good?"

I expected her to complain, to offer resistance, to make a big deal out of being little again. But she had a small amount of movement that I thought might have been a nodding of her head.

Oh Judith Levin, you have no idea just how deep the rabbit hole can go.

[Mia Moore]

Mistake Fifteen

I played with Judith's hair softly as her tongue darted around between my legs. I moaned when she would hit the right spots, and I'd sigh when she made a mistake. I was aroused, but I wasn't ravenous. I didn't grip her hair with my hands. I didn't force her into my crotch. I was gentle and loving.

"Good girl," I whispered between breaths. "Such a good little girl..."

"Mmm..." Judith mumbled something between my thighs, but her mouth was too busy to form real words. I felt her body tense and relax. She trembled a little.

"Shhh," I cooed. "You're a good girl. This is what a good girl does. She makes her Nana happy."

I didn't plan this particular turn of events. It was spontaneous. Judith was too nervous to mess her diaper again without any incentive, and we both knew sex wasn't going to work a second time. So if I couldn't pleasure her, then I offered for her to pleasure me. In all the months we'd known each other, Judith had never brought me to orgasm before. It was an opportunity she couldn't pass up.

"Mmm..." Judith's mumble turned into a whimper. She pressed her face deep between my legs and felt very still for a moment. She groaned a little as she sat there. Then a hot exhale cooled the wetness between my legs and she was shaking. I didn't have to wait for the smell to hit my nose: Judith had messed her diaper for a second time.

"Keep going," I said calmly. So she did. I had immaculate control over my body. I had been waiting for the right moment to cum, and all it took was another few licks of Judith's tongue to get me there.

When I looked down at Judith, her face was hot and red with embarrassment, but her eyes were shiny and pleading. She wanted my approval. She needed it.

"Good girl," I said between labored breaths. I rubbed her cheek with my thumb. Her mouth was wet and slippery, so I put my finger between her lips. She sucked obediently. When I could move again, Judith was eager to change. She wanted out of her stinky diaper as soon as possible, but she had no power this time. No inevitable "grown up act" on the horizon. Now I could show her the true joy of messing her diapers.

Judith's glossy, shimmery pride was impossible to ignore. She may have filled her diaper, but she'd also given me an orgasm. Her first one, after dozens of ones I'd given her. And with my finger in her mouth, she was submissive and pliable. So she got up.

"C'mere," I said, pulling her toward me. She resisted, because she knew what I was doing, but my assertiveness was overwhelming. I positioned myself into the corner of the couch, on the chaise, and away from the little wet patch I'd left on the cushion. Then I tugged her down into my lap, so she was forced to sit with all her weight in her messy diaper like an oblivious infant.

"Nana," she pleaded. I could see tears in her eyes, so I took the pacifier that was clipped to her top and pushed it between her lips.

"Shh," I said gently, whispering in her ear. "You made Nana feel so wonderful. It's only fair I do the same."

"Wait, no!" Judith said through her pacifier, welled up in panic. But between my legs, she had no leverage. I held her firmly in place and hugged her tightly from behind. It was the same pose we sat in the first time I rubbed her diaper, all those months ago.

I knew how much she hated it, I knew how much she'd have fought me if she thought there was any other way here, but the truth of the matter was simple: if she wanted to get off, if she wanted to finish, she'd be doing it at my hand, in her stinky diaper. As she squirmed, I gently bit on the bottom of her earlobe and shushed her, and my hand traced fingernails up the inside of her thigh, teasing her delightfully.

"Such a good girl for Nana. Oh, you deserve so much right now."

"Nana, dun..." Judith knew better than to spit out her pacifier without permission, so she talked around it. It didn't add any credibility to her request, and it only sunk her further into submission.

"Why not?" I asked, playing naïve. "It doesn't feel good?"

At those words, I pressed my fingers to the front of her diaper, just a bit, and drew a line up between her legs. I felt her shiver in my arms. Her diaper was mostly dry, with just the right amount of wetness to make each of my touches electrical. I'd had so much practice rubbing Judith's diapers; I knew exactly what I was doing.

"Um... that's not it... I just..."

Already, she was struggling to form words, and her pacifier slurred them. She tried again to push me away, so I bounced her on the sofa. Just once, but that was all I needed. She squished down in her messy diaper and froze solid. No more fighting.

"There's my good girl; I knew you wanted this." I was more passionate and aggressive with my ministrations, so that she couldn't regain her composure, so that she wouldn't find any further fighting spirit. And this time her only squirming was to arch her back. She tried her best to keep in the tortured little gasp that bubbled up between her lips. Association was easy to build, even outside the Academy, and I was the world's best construction firm when it came to that type of building.

"Nana, please..." She squirmed a little more, but her movements only shoved her diaper more firmly into my hand. She sent her body signals to flee, but her body took that movement and turned it into a reason to stay.

"Don't fight it," I whispered. "It feels so good... it feels good to be a good girl, doesn't it? To make your Nana cum... to fill your diaper for her... to sit in her lap while she rubs between your legs..."

"Mmmm..." Her whine was one of protest, of disagreement, but she didn't dare try to form the words. She wanted to escape the situation so badly - the sensation of her full diaper, the smell of what she'd done - but the pressure against the front of her padding was intoxicating.

"This is all about sensation, darling girl. Focus on how it feels. Focus on my hand. Focus on the feelings in your diaper, on your princess parts all hidden away good and proper. Listen to the crinkling of your plastic, listen to the shallowness of your breath, listen to my words that pull on your little brain like strings on a marionette. Look down, look down at my hand moving, look at your diaper, look at your gorgeous pretty thighs. Take a deep breath in, fill your lungs, breathe in your situation, breathe in my lust, and breathe in…"

I paused and whispered the next part right into her ear.

"Smell your messy diaper. Smell what you did. Smell that you're never going to be a big girl. My little princess sitting in her own mess, bouncing on her Nana, wanting, wanting, needing…"

She shook her head. Judith's boundaries had been pushed so far that they were mere lines in the sand. I could step over them whenever I wanted. I could get a bucket of water, wash them away, and draw a new one a ways down the beach. And for what I couldn't accomplish with associations and mind games, I could make up for with my hand on the front of her diaper.

"I... can't... please..."

"Of course you can," I cooed. "You want it so badly..."

"No, I... I can't..."

At first I thought Judith was referring to a figurative "can't". That doing this would be too humiliating, too much for even her. But she was referring to the literal. Last time she'd messed her diaper, she couldn't get off. Sure, she had cum a few times since then, but that wasn't right after pooping herself. To her, this was a repeat of last time. But how wrong she was. It wasn't messy diapers that turned her off; it was not wearing a diaper at all. And I could prove it.

"You just need the right situation, sweet princess. You just need to be in your Nana's arms, you need to be in your diaper, you need to be helpless, you need to be needy." I rubbed her diaper, strategically punctuating my words with my hand between her legs. Her arousal was a beautiful song, and I was the bass track hidden under it all.

"Mmmmm..."

This time, her whimper was closer to a moan. She leaned into me without an ounce of control over her own body. I played her like an instrument, like a puppet on strings. My touching turned to squeezing and I gently rocked her in my lap. Forward and back, squishing the full diaper against her bottom with each movement. And each movement rocked her princess parts against the soggy padding of her diaper. And her body quivered with lust.

Suddenly, it didn't matter what I said. It didn't matter what I did to her. As long as she got off. Trapped in that hopeless limbo, just before an orgasm.

"Does it feel good, Judith?" I asked.

"Mm...hmm..."

"Sitting on Nana's lap in your messy diaper?" Hesitance. But her head nodded. Because she didn't have a choice anymore. She was a slave to her libido.

"That's right, precious! It feels so good to be sitting on your Nana's lap in your messy diaper."

More.

"It feels so good to have Nana rub your messy diaper."

More. More.

"It feels so so good to have Nana making you cum in your messy diaper."

And now I stopped, just for a moment, putting her on edge.

"Doesn't it?"

"Mmmmmhmmm..."

"Doesn't it?" I repeated, because I wouldn't take her mumbling as an answer.

"Yes, Nana..." she moaned through her pacifier.

"Good girl," I said one more time, before bringing Judith to climax. Before she came in her full, stinky diaper. Before she proved to herself that she didn't really want to be a big girl anymore, and that diapers were the only way she'd ever feel true pleasure again.

After that, it was easy. She asked to use the toilet, and I said no. Soon, she stopped asking.

A while later, I took her bathroom rights away altogether. I got little locks for the toilet, so she could still shower and bathe. And so she could stare at a symbol of her surrender. Of the thing she'd never get to use again.

When I mentioned her diapers, Judith would still blush. She was still embarrassed about the turns our relationship had taken. But her embarrassment didn't diminish her love for them. She knew they brought us closer together. She knew they were what I wanted her to wear. A collar. Proof that she was mine, all the time. She loved being mine.

Every time she pooped her diaper, I made her cum. It was the only time I would make her cum. By the time she realized that, it was too late. It was routine.

She stopped sending letters to her dad. I think she was embarrassed. The path her life had taken was so vastly different to anything she could have ever imagined, and it was hard to pretend a parent could be proud of what she'd become. But I was proud. That seemed to be enough.

Meanwhile, Academy M was filling up. We had eight Candies, including Judith. There were only twelve rooms. Erik and I were getting along well. It was nice to have company again.

I was sitting in the cafeteria, drinking coffee. Erik was on an errand for me, so when someone approached I just about jumped out of my skin.

"Maria. I like the glasses."

"Jesus Christ..." I muttered, trying to get my heart rate under control again. I almost spilled my coffee everywhere.

"Not quite," the woman laughed.

She took a seat across from me and entwined her fingers in front of her. She was gorgeous. Her hair was long and blonde, but her eyes were sharp and grey. It was the kind of woman I'd ask out, if the world weren't coming to an end.

"Who are you? How did you get in here?"

"Ah, right," the woman said. "We haven't met yet. Or, re-met. My name is Justice, and we are actually quite good friends."

"I'd remember a friend who looked like you," I smirked.

"Always the flirt," Justice sighed, rolling her eyes. Then she pulled a marker out from her pocket, the same kind I had in mine. A part of the Source.

"I'm one of the project managers," she said. "You. Me. Kenzō. Eli."

"Sorry, hun. There's no fourth manager."

"Twelve markers," Justice said, starting a list. "Academy I. Academy T. Academy M. Academies A through E. Academies W through Z. Plus two, for the rest. The Magistrate. And that leaves..."

"Three," I said.

"Four," she corrected. "But I suppose no math in the universe could help you solve that problem."

Then it clicked. Woah boy, did it click.

"You're a candidate," I said, awestruck.

"Yep," Justice said.

"You were a manager?"

"I AM a manager," she corrected again. "Though it did take a lot of convincing for the Magistrate to admit it."

"Fuck... a candidate working for the Academy..." I couldn't even wrap my head around it. Then I thought: "This is great though! We don't need to find anyone else; we just use you. Right?"

"If only it were that easy," she laughed. "The Magistrate doesn't remember me, so they don't trust me with that kind of thing. I'd love to be God, Maria. But Penny says I already have a role."

"Justice," I guessed. "So that's not your real name."

"Nope."

"What's your real name?" I asked.

"Nothing you can ever find out," she teased.

"I have ways," I smirked. True, every record of her existence was gone. Every person forgot her. There was no one in the universe who knew her old name... other than her. And I was nothing if not persuasive.

"Don't go down that road, Em," Justice said with odd familiarity. "We've been down it before."

"Oh..." Well, that sure took the fun out of it. I sat back in my chair and sipped my coffee. "How do I know you're really you. That you're working for us."

"Penny cleared me already," she shrugged. "Text her."

So I did.

M > Someone here named Justice?

M > Friend or foe?

P > Friend!!

P > 88% Likelihood

M > She can't be two Arcana? Justice and...

P > Uhmmm yea some people can be

P > Not Justice tho!! She's gonna find the ⭐ for us

M > I don't suppose you can explain that in less than a paragraph?

P > Nuh uh.. it would take at least 200 pages.

P > Want me to write it up??

M > Pass. Thanks P.

P > COME VISIT MEEEEE I AM LONELYYYY

M > I'll send a cake.

P > Confetti pls

"Welp, you check out I guess. So what can I do for you?"

"Ai Sinclair," Justice said.

I groaned.

"She's been through five Academies already," Justice said. "We're not having a ton of luck keeping her in check."

"Isn't that a good thing?" I sighed. "She's the Magician, right? Let her roam around."

"There's a problem with that. The High Priestess escaped."

"What do you mean, escaped?"

"Truth be told, I have no idea. Kione has hallucinations, and they seem to give her some resistance—"

"To the markers, I know," I said. "I read the file."

"What the file doesn't say is: Kione Williams is really fucking smart. She questions everything. She knows how to talk to people. She's convincing. She's authentic. Most alarmingly, she's effective. I'm afraid that if we put her in the Memoriam, she'd find a way out. She’d think of something we haven’t."

"Is Kenzō tracking her?" I asked.

"Judith's signature tracks Candies that haven't been Touched," Justice explained. "Kione has been removed from consciousness. We are doing it the old fashioned way. But in the meantime..."

"In the meantime, Ai has to be quarantined."

"We were thinking Academy M was the safest place..." Justice said. "Which means you'd be in charge."

Justice was right: there was no better quarantine than Academy M.  But…

"She's no use to us here," I said, and not just because I wanted to shirk my responsibility. "What about using an Academy with sub-populations like B or C. That's like hiding her in a box in a box in a box."

"B could work..." Justice tapped her finger on the table in thought.

"She won't find the Chariot sitting on the bench," I shrugged.

But then Justice said: "I want you to take her case."

"Not a chance in Hell," I said. "Give her to Eli."

And almost on cue, I got a text message from Eli's assistant. Jill or Jan or something.

EA > Eli says

EA > Oh shoot what was I supposed to tell you.

EA > BRB

"What's this all about?" I asked, holding up my phone for Justice to see.

"One of the Candies at Academy T figured out that nobody can remember who they are. Which is probably the worst Academy to figure that out."

E > ----------------------------------------

M > --------------?

E > -----------------------

E > -----------

E > ----------------------------------------------

M > -?

E > ---------------

M > ---------

M > ------

I put my phone down and looked back to Justice.

"What was all that about?" she asked.

"Uh..." I paused to think about it. "I don't... remember..."

I looked back at my phone, but there were no new messages since the ones from Eli's assistant. Either classic forgetfulness or some fucked up collective consciousness shit. I could never be sure these days.

"So you'll take Ai's case?" Justice asked.

"Not a chance."

"Let me rephrase," Justice said. "You're taking Ai's case."

"And why would I do that?"

"Because I'm a candidate," Justice said simply.

I blinked.

"Well?" Justice asked.

"Fine," I sighed. "But you know, it's rude to use your power over others to get what you want."

"Said the pot to the kettle."

If there was any version of me that would have said yes to Justice's demand, then I would have said yes to her demand. And I did, so there must have been. In the grand cosmology of the universe, candidates were angels. Or demons. They were basically synonyms. Arcana were archangels. Or archdemons. In short, Justice could always have what she wanted, as long as what she wanted was fair.

But it really was a mistake for Justice to trust me.  Not my mistake, but hers.

[princesstreegirl]

Can’t wait to read her point of view about what takes place in Academy B!

[Bonsai]

It's nice to finally see Maria the manipulatrix being manipulated!

Arcana powers are fearsome.

[Mia Moore]

On 2/13/2024 at 3:52 AM, princesstreegirl said:

Can’t wait to read her point of view about what takes place in Academy B!

I've been waiting to write this chapter for a LONG time!!   I had all this planned out since Academy B ended.

3 hours ago, Bonsai said:

It's nice to finally see Maria the manipulatrix being manipulated!

Arcana powers are fearsome.

Arcana are super powerful!  And it's nice to have the tables turned on our protagonist.  

[Mia Moore]

Mistake Sixteen

"Wait, you can't leave..."

"I'm really sorry," I said, and I wasn't lying. "My boss is assigning me to another case. But it's temporary, I swear. A few weeks, max."

"Weeks?!" Judith was visibly panicked. From her point of view, we had only had a few days apart in all our time together. And now, things were different. We'd just established our new routine, our new relationship. She was entirely dependent on me.

"Paul is going to help you with anything you need," I said.

"I'm not letting Paul change me," she said sharply. "Oh my gosh, and what about my diapers? He can't know about that!"

My diapers. So normal.

"He already does," I said simply. "You think I can get forty diapers a week in here without someone asking questions?"

Judith's face burned with embarrassment.

"He thinks it's a medical issue," I reassured her. "That it might be a side-effect of your memory loss."

"But that's a lie. Doesn't that skew your data?"

"It sure does," I laughed. "But short of telling them it was a fetish of yours, it was all I could do."

Judith weighed that up. She sure didn't want anyone to think that of her. So she nodded.

"Do you think I'll ever be able to leave?" Judith asked. Which was a question she almost never asked, much to my surprise.

"Do you want to?" I countered.

"Not really," she admitted. "But I don't want you to go..."

"I promise, I'll be back soon. Write me letters, okay? Paul will send them to me."

"Will you write back?" I hesitated.

I should have focused on Ai, but what the hell.

"You know what. Yes, I will."

That seemed to assuage some of Judith's concerns. But not all of them.

"So until you get back, I can't... like..."

"When you're in a stinky diaper, you can spend time with Papa. That's what he's for, after all."

That was the first time I openly gave her permission to masturbate without me around, and she was too nervous to lose the privilege to argue. Judith looked like she had something else to say, but she kept her mouth shut. I was curious what was on her mind, but I didn't have the time. So I kissed her goodbye.

Justice and I agreed that Academy B was the best place to keep Ai out of trouble. It had small pods of interactions, with no more than four Candies in a room. It had minimal interaction with staff and most things were automated. As long as we didn't introduce anyone new to her environment, other than known variables, we could keep her out of the way. It wasn't the most efficient use of our time, but it was the safest.

"You're going to be her registered nurse," Justice said, as she led the way down a corridor.

"Fun," I lied.

"You don't have to do anything but observe for the first couple weeks," she said. "The cold room will do the rest."

Ah, yes. The Cold Room. Ripped straight out of an ageplay story, with a few modifications. But the behavioral conditioning was sound. It was one of our most successful Academy models, and one of the earliest. Back then, the letters didn't stand for anything. B was just the second one.

"You'll need these too," Justice said, handing me a box of unmarked pills.

"Pink stuff?" I asked. "No, they're just hormones. By the time Ai comes out of the cold room, you will need to be able to lactate."

"It's a good thing I don't get a say in what happens to my body in this country anymore," I sighed, turning the box over in my hand. I didn't trust Justice exactly, but she had no reason to lie to me either. And unmarked experiments were a staple of the Academy.

I spent the next two weeks doing four things:

1.) Reading up on case reports for Ai and other Candies

2.) Taking pills that made my breasts swell

3.) Writing letters to Judith, and

4.) Watching Ai through the video monitors

The last one was the most enjoyable. I watched as automation effectively broke her down. I watched her pee her pants. I watched her drink from baby bottles. I watched her adapt to a quiet, soundless room. I watched her put on her first diaper, again. I watched her mess her first diaper, again. I watched her potty training deteriorate, and her body to obey a set schedule with unflinching rigidity. I watched Ai lose, and it was so fucking satisfying.

The only thing I controlled was her dreams. I only used four Touches on her in total, recreating her memories through her unconscious. She would be hard pressed to tell which was real: the fiancé she fucked, much to the disappointment of her parents, or the fiancé that helped her realize the joys of innocence and obedience. A life of labor at a grocery store, or a life of diaper changes and supportive coos.

Soon, she was ready. We released her into the nursery, where I met her again for the first time.

"Why hello there, little one!"

I reached down and rubbed the top of Ai's head. There was no recognition in her eyes.

"You must be Ai, am I right?" I asked. She nodded her head, but I pretended like I didn't see it. "You must be, with a smell like that following you around. Your diaper must be absolutely bursting!"

Ai blushed. Of course her diaper was full.

"Let's get you changed, shall we? I bet you'll feel a lot better once you're in a fresh diaper."

Again, Ai nodded her head, because prescriptive logic was what Candies in Academy B responded best to. Rather than let Ai try to problem solve, which would only frustrate her, I gave her a path to follow.  Fresh diaper equals feeling better.

I leaned down and lifted Ai up underneath the arms, and helped her to her feet. I could have hipped her at that point - we were all trained and able to do so with adult-bodied people - but I enjoyed watching how unsteady she was on her feet. She toddled from one foot to the other, and I made sure that I was the reason she stayed stable.

"Hold my hand, baby girl. Let's get you to the changing table."

I helped Ai onto the table and she looked up at the ceiling with a bit of heat on her cheeks. I could see the bliss wash over her face as she laid back onto a soft surface. For so long, she'd been sleeping on that hard tile floor. She didn't know softness. Now, she was ensnared in it.

I clipped a little bracelet to her wrist. She examined it. Sinclair, Ai. #1091. While she did that, I untaped her diaper. Messy diapers were no problem to me these days, but changing Ai was different to changing Judith. You think getting an adult out of a stinky diaper would be the same no matter what, but with Judith it felt like a game. She was messing her diapers for me, because I'd won. With Ai, it was because she was helpless. She needed me. Neither was better or worse than the other, but they were certainly different.

When I put Ai in a new diaper - one with little baby prints, the kind that I never put on Judith - she didn't argue or complain even once. She didn't say she was a big girl, or that she should be wearing panties. It was so unlike our first meeting last time. It almost made me feel sorry for her. But I didn't. This was as happy as she would ever be, so there was no room for my pity.

Once she was taped in a fresh diaper, I lifted her up. I put her on my hip, walked her over to the crib, and set her inside. I put a bottle of pink milk between her lips and raised the side bars. She looked up at me and I watched the clarity leave her face. She sucked on that pink milk and became less and less focused. I brushed her short hair out of her face with a smile.

"See you soon, little one."

I left Ai alone to think about her new life. Not with fear or shame, the way she had her new life at Academy I. This time, it was with relief. But how long would it last?

The next day, I doted over Ai. I had to build an attachment, and I was good at doing that. A few kind words. A lot of praise. Rewards for the simplest things. Even encouragement for using her diapers.

"Am I... in trouble?" Ai finally asked. It wasn't the first thing she'd said, but it was the first question.

"Why would you be in trouble?" I asked sweetly. "You're such a good girl!"

"I... dunno..." Ai looked around the room and I tilted her head back to me, a finger under her chin.

"This is a reward," I said warmly. "You deserve to feel warm and happy. Don't you?"

"Uh huh..."

"Would you like me to help, little one?"

Ai hesitated, but then she nodded. She wanted my help to be happy. So I picked her up and set her on my hip, then walked her over to the rocking chair in the corner. Like a baby girl, lost and confused with no mother to keep her safe, all Ai needed was some attachment. She needed someone to latch onto. That was what Academy B was all about.

I positioned her on the edge of my lap, and held her with one hand like a mother steadying an infant in the crook of her arm, and then I began to unbutton the snaps on my top and the maternity bra I'd started wearing. I wasn't sure if she knew what was coming, but to be quite honest it didn't matter what she knew. We were going to take all of that away.

Ai's resistance was confusion more than anything else. As I pressed her lips to my nipple and her cheek to my breast, as the warmth of my body filled her up and my arms wrapped around her like shields on a battlefield, she didn't know what was going on. And then, after so many days with a pacifier between her lips, it clicked. Ai latched onto my breast and started to suckle.

Immediately, I felt relief. I had to pump my breasts a few times in the intervening time, but I'd been holding out for that exact moment. I had to change my shirt before coming in earlier that day.

I watched Ai sink into me like butter into a pan. Melting was an apt term. As she nursed, her eyes fluttered closed. And she looked so... soft. Fragile. That was the first time in a long time I had any kind of empathy for Ai. I reached up and touched her hair - short and dark - and cradled her against my chest.

My body ached, but not in a bad way. Like it did after exercising. And the sucking of my breasts was associated a lot more with sex than childrearing. But the girl in my arms, curled up to me, felt so small and light. Probably because she was small and light. But it felt light in my heart too. As I looked down at that little girl's face, I felt two things.

The first was so unfamiliar, so asinine. Something I never had growing up, a broken part of me. I felt maternal.

The second was a lot more familiar, because I'd been feeling it all week. I missed Judith.

The following week, they found Kione. After resetting her, Eli put her in Academy K. We agreed that the reality distortions would get in the way of her powers, and the only Touches it required were time lapses. The rest was social engineering.

With Kione in confinement, I tried to get off Ai's case. Justice wouldn't have it. It seemed like she was running the show now, and the Magistrate didn't dare argue with a candidate. Or, rather, Justice probably knew there was always a way to get what she wanted. And where there's a will, there's a reshuffling of collective fate to bend to that will. I'm pretty sure that's the saying.

But the truth is, I couldn't keep Ai under control. No one could. Justice made a mistake keeping me there, because I got reckless. I risked too much.

Two weeks later, disaster struck: Ai did the impossible, and found a way out of Academy B.

"Where's Ai?" I asked. The little shit that helped her escape was flanked by two other women. An Indian girl. She was in the same room as Ai, but I didn't even know her name.

"She's gone," the girl replied meekly. She was crying, clinging to her dress.

"She can't be gone," I said sharply. The Indian girl cried and mumbled something, but I wasn't listening. I was angry.

"Send her to the Memoriam," I said flatly. The other two women stared at me like I'd said something crazy. I probably had.

"Um... are you sure?" the blonde one asked. "She's been a model—"

"You think this is the behavior we want our Candies to model? Drugging the staff? Breaking out of their rooms? Helping other Candies escape?" Granted, the plan was absolutely genius. Getting one of the caregivers to try even a drop of pink milk would put them in a small haze. Either Academy B was too complacent, or Ai was too smart. Likely both.

The Candy kept crying and the blonde woman kept defending her. It was annoying me, but this was a waste of my time. The girl seemed innocuous enough, and I had bigger things to worry about.

"We have to find Ai," I sighed. "This isn't like Kione; there's no room for error. She's too important."

"Miss Porter!" someone called from down the hall. They were running toward me, out of breath. "We got her!"

"What?"

But sure enough, Ai rounded the corner with a worker in pink scrubs.

"How did..."

"She was wandering the halls, looking for something. Maybe she didn't escape?"

"I escaped just fine," Ai said sourly. "I came back."

She looked at me and I looked at her. For a moment, I worried that she recognized me from before. That I was more to her than the doting caregiver in the nursery. But then her eyes flickered to the other girl, the crying Candy.

"You came back for her?" I asked. "That's so noble."

"No, I came back for my own reasons," Ai said.

"Your reasons aren't important," I said sweetly. "Now let's get you—"

"Yes they are!" Ai said loudly. "I didn't need to escape; I just had to prove that I could. I'll find a new way out. I'll find a hundred. I'll keep running the Academy in circles. And you know I will, because I've done it before. Haven't I?"

I paused. What the hell...

"Tell me why you're doing this," Ai demanded.

"It's strange that you think you have any position to negotiate, Ai. Little girls like you should be taking the orders, not giving them."

I smiled and stepped forward, reaching for Ai's hand.

"You came back because you belong here. You know that. Why don't you let Nana take all those silly thoughts away?"

But Ai pulled away.

"I'm never going to stop wondering what this is all about," Ai said. "I can't help it - we both know that - and the more I wonder the more trouble I cause."

"Perhaps you're supposed to cause trouble," I suggested. "Maybe that's your destiny."

"Am I supposed to know about #254? Or the Preamble?" 

Uh... no, she sure wasn't. #254 was Kione. And the Preamble was the first part of the Source's prophecy. How could she know anything about that? I'd been by her side since she was erased.

"I see..." I said quietly. She was more powerful than I thought. Than any of us thought. And she was willing to use anyone to meet her ends. I looked back at the crying Indian girl.

"Then you don't care what happens to your friend?" I asked Ai.

Ai hesitated, looked at the other girl, and then shook her head. So I shrugged and said to the other women:

"Take her back to Processing."

The girl's eyes went wide and she started to plead and beg. I wasn't listening. I had to figure out what to do next. The Academy had tried a dozen times to keep Ai in check. We couldn't erase her curiosity, even through resets. But maybe we could sate it.

"Come on," I said to Ai, putting a hand on her shoulder. "There's a lot to explain."

Ai turned to the girl one more time, then followed me down the hall. I led her into a room with two sofas, a table, and a kitchenette. There were two other people in the room.

"Out," I told them both. And they left.

"What are you gonna do to me now?" Ai asked, when the two of us were alone.

"Nothing," I said. "You win."

I took a seat on one of the sofas and motioned to the other. Ai sat down nervously.

"What do you mean, I win?" she asked.

"I mean, there's no point keeping things from you. You'll find the answers you want sooner or later, and you'll destroy everything along the way. So let's just stop playing this stupid game. I'll give you all the answers you want to know."

"This is a trick…" Ai said cautiously, and she had every right to be cautious. But…

"It's not," I said plainly. "It's going to sound insane no matter what, and I can't convince you. Just ask your questions, and I'll answer them. Belief is your choice."

We were both quiet for a moment. For the first time since I met Ai, I felt like I really had her on the back foot.

"Why…" she said. A grand starting question.

"Why are we turning you and others like you into babies?" I clarified.

"Yes."

"Well, that's a long story. In short, we are trying to decide which one of you will rebuild the universe."

"Bullshit."

"I don't care if you believe me," I reminded her. But it didn't matter if she believed me; I was giving answers, so Ai would ask questions. She could figure out later if she believed it or not.

"How do you know that?" she asked.

"In the 1400s, someone uncovered a relic in Italy," I said. "We call it the Source. It's kind of like, uh… a ball?" I made a sphere with my hands, a little smaller than a volleyball. "Anyway, it came with a set of prophecies. When translated, they talk about how the world will end."

"So then, how does the world end?" Ai asked.

"Honestly, I have no idea," I sighed. "The prophecies are really cryptic, so we have someone who works on deciphering them. But there are implications that this has happened before. Probably many times, every two thousand years or so. Our universe is just the newest iteration."

"Sure…" Ai clearly didn't believe anything I was saying, but she kept asking questions anyway. "What does that have to do with me?"

"Well, since they found the Source in Italy, it's passed through a lot of hands. It wound up in the possession of one of my bosses: a member of the Magistrate. It was more of an expensive showpiece at the time. But twenty or so years ago, it activated. Turned on. Something like that. It started giving off a lot of weird energy, so my boss got a team of scientists to study it. As it turns out, the Source is a gateway to the collective unconscious."

"The what?"

"Uh… let me think…" How did Penny explain it to me? "Imagine you are the whole universe. Everything that exists is you, and you are everything that exists. You can do anything you want; you have unlimited power. But you're bored, and you're lonely. So you split off parts of yourself and turn them into separate beings, each with their own wants and needs and reasons. You do it again and again and again, until you have an entire universe filled with people who are you, but also aren't you. And after they live their lives - they love, they hate, they play, they cry, they smile - they die, and they come back to be a part of you again."

"So, what? We're all just the imaginary friends the universe made up?"

"We're more like characters in a story, and the collective unconscious is the reader.  We were created to experience a world it couldn't experience on its own.  Humans are different from each other to give those experiences subjectivity and uniqueness.  Through differentiation, we get perspective.  Then, when our bodies die, we take everything we've learned back to the collective.  All the places we've explored, all the new things we've experienced.  And together, as one, we continue to learn and grow."

"Then why end the world?" Ai asked, frustration welling up in her voice. "Just let us keep learning and growing in this universe!"

"Every story has to end," I sighed. Who knew explaining the end of the known universe to an adult in a soggy diaper and a pink party dress was going to be so exhausting? "In an ordinary story, the characters never get a say. But the Source gives us the power to choose the ending we want. If the collective unconscious is the reader, and we are the characters, then the Source is the pen. We get to decide what the next story is going to be about."

"And what about all the people alive right now?" Ai asked.

"They'll be fine. Our souls are just a means of exploration; when the world ends, we will return to the collective unconscious. Then, under the Star's guidance, we will will be born again."

"Star?"

"One of the special candidates," I said. "The one who will remake the world."

"Can't they just decide to turn off the universe?" Ai asked. "What if they say we shouldn't be born again?"

"That's what we are trying to avoid. The Academy project is a means to control the reset and make a better world."

"Then why do all this stupid baby stuff!" Ai shouted.

"There are rules we have to follow," I explained. "When the Source activated, so too did the people with the potential to use it. Those are the candidates. Most of them were children at the time, or even infants. But one of the rules is that the reset must be done consensually. That is, the person doing so must know what they are doing and choose willingly to do it. Since our society believes children can't consent, the Source also follows that rule. You have to be at least eighteen." 

"I definitely didn't consent to this," Ai said sharply.

"We don't need you to consent to this," I said, motioning around us. "We need you to consent to rewriting the world. The Academies are built to manufacture obedience, and we need a candidate who will listen to what we say and do it without question."

"Consent can't be coerced," she argued.

"That's only recently true," I shrugged. "Our theory is that the Source set its rules when it activated." We also believe that there was a proximity element to it.  When the Source activated, it was in North America; it seemed to snapshot more a lot of western beliefs, and almost all of the candidates were also found in North America.

"Then why not just torture us?" Ai asked, exasperated. "The baby stuff doesn't make any sense!"

"Well, blind obedience isn't enough," I answered. "When adults are confronted with the impossible, they say that it must be a dream. Or an artificial world. Or they are going crazy. They use logic as a framework, because things have to make sense. But when you are recreating the universe, logic is a roadblock."

Ai looked confused, so I thought up an example.

"What if I told you to 'go up the stairs', but there are no stairs? An adult gets stuck. They try to solve the instruction like a puzzle, rather than listening to what was instructed. We need someone willing to be creative and absolute. To go up stairs that don't exist. To write a world outside of physics and reason and established laws. The easiest way to get an adult to behave like that is… well, regression."

It helped that, for many people, regression was also torture. It was a way of instilling obedience and wonder, while also breaking down a person's psyche.

"This is the stupidest thing I've ever heard…" Ai said, but she didn't sound dismissive. She sounded thoughtful.

"Any other questions?" I asked.

"A million. But let's start with… how. How are you doing all this to us?"

"One of our tech guys found a way to break off parts of the Source, to make portable tools that manipulate your connection to human consciousness. We call them markers, because they look like markers. If we touch you with one, it cuts you off from the collective unconscious. You are forgotten by everyone, and any trace of you ever existing becomes imperceptible."

"Is that… what happened to me? To all the people here?" Ai looked terrified.

"Technically, yes."

Of course, there was the matter of figuring out who could recreate the world and who couldn't; very few people had the potential. Our answer to that was pure trial and error: find someone we thought was special, touch them with the marker, and see what happens.

I'd like to say we didn't go through too many people, but if we did, we wouldn't remember them. There could be millions of test subjects out there, imperceptible and unable to code themselves into our memories. We might talk to them every day, then forget. Those people would live out the rest of their lives as ghosts, until their souls deteriorated.  There was no salvation for them.  They might not even come through to the new world.

But they were essential.  They were the cost to find Judith.  Once we did, Kenzō isolated what made her special and created a tracker for the rest of the candidates.  After that, we never used a marker on an ordinary person again.  Or, I guess… not that we know of.

"So… nobody remembers me? My fiancé? My parents?" Ai's tone fell, lost in the sudden realization: she wasn't anybody anymore.

"No one remembers you," I confirmed.  In fact, that side-effect was serendipitous for the Academy; nobody ever came looking for a Candy. If only I could purge Ai Sinclair from my memory as well…

But that wasn't how it worked. Contact with the Source - and in turn, the markers - turned the candidates into something new, something deific. Their old selves were erased from history, but their new selves were too powerful to be ripped out of anything. After that first touch, when you met a Candy, you never forgot them.

With the markers, we could tap into a candidate's power and use it against them. We could alter their memories, thoughts, and emotions. We could reset their minds, control the flow of time, and influence their dreams. But there were limitations, and there was no greater limitation of divine providence than free will.

Ai sunk further into the couch. It was hard grappling with existentialism, and she had no idea how truly powerful she was.

"Do I matter?" Ai asked. "Am I supposed to be… God?"

"Yes, but no," I said plainly. "Some candidates are special; we call them Arcana. There are prophecies about them, and how they impact the end of the story. The one that will become God is called the Star. You're the Magician. Since there's a prophecy with both the Magician and the Star in it, you can't be both."

"What's the Magician?" Ai asked.

"Essentially, it means you're going to make our lives a living hell."

"Good," Ai said flatly.

"But you'll also help us find what we need."

"The Star," Ai guessed.

"And the Chariot," I added.

"What's that?"

"According to the Source," I sighed, actually getting tired of answering these questions, "you need two parts to activate the reset. The first is the Star, who will embody all the power in the known universe. And the second is the Chariot, who will be a representation of human will. Because there's no point having a writer without a muse."

We were both quiet for a moment. I thought Ai might actually be out of questions, but that was too much to hope for. She was, after all, Ai Sinclair.

"What world are you going to make?" she asked.

"Truthfully… I'm not sure. The fact is, our minds can't comprehend this kind of upheaval. We can't imagine a world without planets, or the sun. We can't conceptualize life as squiggles in the air, or a world without hate or anger. The human mind isn't capable of that. So instead, the workers at the Academy have requests. Things we want in the next life. Some want power or money. Others just want a dead relative back, or something like that."

"What do you want?" Ai asked.

"I want to see what comes next," I said solemnly. "I just want to exist in the new world, in whatever form. I want to be a better version of who I am now. Whatever that means. Whatever that looks like."

"You could start by not kidnapping and torturing people," Ai said flatly.

"Yep, I could. Maybe a world where I don't have the memories of having done this. But the ends justify the means. You understand that, don't you? You used that girl to satisfy your curiosity, just like I've used all the candidates."

Were we really so different, Ai and me? She hesitated and looked down at her feet.

"I have a question," Ai said.

"Of course you do."

"What is going to happen to me now? There's no way you're letting me go after all this..."

"No, I'm not," I said. "I'm going to reset you again. I'll strip you of everything I can think of, every memory, every ounce of your identity. And I'm going to pray to whoever my God will be that knowing all this, somewhere deep in your subconscious, will be enough to keep you out of our way."

"It won't," Ai said flatly.

"We'll see."

We'll see.

[BabyLexie]

 Holy heck this chapter was so gratifying. Two years of answers, spilling out all at once.

I'm rereading the series right now. Until Academy M, I hadn't considered that any of the caretakers were recurring. But Maria's been in at least half the stories. I love the intricate groundwork you've been laying. I just got to this part in Academy T:

On 6/21/2022 at 7:38 PM, Mia Moore said:

"Mrs. Hopper?" the man asked, though he knew the answer. 

"Is it time?" she asked. 

Sure seems like she was talking about The Big Reset!

Also... I feel like Maria's undoing will be writing those letters to Judith. It's so easy to see a scenario where Judith realizes the "nonsense letters" she wrote at the beginning of her stay too closely match Maria's.

If Penny is right, Judith probably is not the Star. Even still, she's a Candie. How badly will Maria's mistakes break reality?

[Mia Moore]

On 2/17/2024 at 11:17 AM, BabyLexie said:

 Holy heck this chapter was so gratifying. Two years of answers, spilling out all at once.

I'm rereading the series right now. Until Academy M, I hadn't considered that any of the caretakers were recurring. But Maria's been in at least half the stories. I love the intricate groundwork you've been laying. I just got to this part in Academy T:

Sure seems like she was talking about The Big Reset!

Also... I feel like Maria's undoing will be writing those letters to Judith. It's so easy to see a scenario where Judith realizes the "nonsense letters" she wrote at the beginning of her stay too closely match Maria's.

If Penny is right, Judith probably is not the Star. Even still, she's a Candie. How badly will Maria's mistakes break reality?

I'm so glad!  I was actually very worried about this chapter being too much of a lore dump... but my plan was always to have Maria giving Ai her answers at the end of A:B off-screen.  I've been trickling in bits of information since the start of A:M, but this really is the moment of payoff. 😊

More soon, I promise!

[Mia Moore]

Mistake Seventeen

I sat on the edge of the bed in my private room at Academy M. I spent a week working on Ai, taking out as much of her as I could. As much as the marker would allow. I was on the phone with Kenzō every day, refining my work. I used six Touches total, and recommended Academy A for transfer. The semester at A was just ending, and Academy A required a low Touch count to function. Best of all, it didn't have handlers or Nanas or whatever the fuck else. Candies were students, and they could take care of themselves. So I could go back to the Memoriam.

I laid back and looked up at the ceiling. A nice ceiling. A nice room. I had a lot of perks, as one of the Academy managers. I was well respected. I was good at my job. But Ai's question kept swirling around in my head: why was I doing any of this?

Was it really just survival? I lucked into a senior position because Eli and I were friends? In the end, couldn't the Star or the Chariot just do whatever they wanted? Would I die at the end of all this? I didn't want to die. But why did I want to live?

I sent a group text.

M > I've been thinking...

E > Don't hurt yourself.

M > Omg is your tablet always in your hand or something?

E > It is literally my job.

P > What's up Mary????

M > When all this is over. What are you excited for?

E > To be done,

M > I'm serious, Eli.

E > I am too.

E > This fate of the world shit is a lot of fucking pressure.

E > And there's a new problem every day

E > Maybe we could just have world where we take a break from problems

E > For like, a day. Sunday. Get biblical and shit.

P > I wanna be a kid

P > Like a real one.

P > Or, maybe 18 but suuuuper small and cute and I never age

M > You're already small and cute

M > And you only seem to age down to me.

P > 😤

K > Magic.

K > Like fireballs.

M > What?

K > I want magic.

K > Real magic, like something I can't explain.

K > And then I want to try to explain it

J > Rewriting the universe isn't enough magic for you?

K > It is not.

K > We're in like Tolkien magic.

K > Something mystical and grand and poorly defined

K > End of the world, blah blah blah

K > I want FIREBALLS.

K > Also cure spells

P > Shrink spells!!!!! omg

K > Pretty much just fantasy tabletop game come to life

E > We never finished Delta Green

J > We fucking LIVE Delta Green

E > Our game was more fun

P > At least we were togethhherrrr 😭

K > Movie night Friday?

K > I'll sync our tablets

E > I'm on a plane

K > I'll hack a satellite or something

J > Can you really hack a satellite?

K > No I mean I can use whatever satellite I want whenever I want anywya

K > Hacking it sounded cooler

M > It did

E > It did

P > It did

J > It did

M > What about you Justice?

J > Huh?

M > I feel like we don't know anything about you

M > But you're one of our best friends?

J > Ha, yeah.

J > We aren't really best friends anymore.

J > Or, we weren't.

P > ???????

K > Drama bomb.

J > I did some shitty stuff. I messed up a lot of things.

J > I could never admit it before

J > Too proud.

J > But now I'm just a stranger to all of you again

J > I feel like I can be someone better

M > So you could say that you really got your....

E > Don't.

P > DONT!!!

M > JUST DESSERTS

J > This is why we broke up.

M > 😄

K > Maria's puns aside

K > You should still answer the question

J > Right, well

J > I hope that in the new universe...

J > I can keep being friends with you guys

E > Sappy.

M > So sappy.

P > Awww I think it's cute!

K > Well we're glad to have you around.

K > And get to know you

J > Thanks

J > So, movie night on Friday?

M > I'm there

K > We'll be there too

P > I wanna pick the movie!!

M > Oh Penny!  I have a movie recommendation for you

M > It’s called Oliver and Company

E > That's a good movie.

P > 😮

E > I like the homeless dude.

E > What a wild card

K > I'll get us a connection with low latency

M > You're the best

P > Bedtime for me.

K > Yeah and I should get her dressed

E > TTYL

J > Thanks for including me

M > Anytime

M > Night

I clicked off my tablet and smiled. Something to look forward to.

When I returned to the beach house, I expected Judith to come running out to hug me like the over-excited child she'd more-or-less become. But as I turned around to examine the living room and kitchen, I didn't see her.

Paul gave me an update an hour before. After a week or so of my being gone, Judith's sleep patterns had changed a lot. I talked to Penny about it, but she said it didn't line up with anything in the prophecies. Chances were, she was too bored to stay awake all day and slightly manipulated her environment. Days seemed to move faster and night seemed to move slower, so that she could sleep more than half the day without it feeling unusual. The time dilation got a little worse every day, until she started taking naps. Then it seemed to level out.

Sure enough, I found Judith asleep in her room. She was cuddled up to Papa and the lingering smell was familiar. I smiled to myself and quietly approached her. I leaned down and put my hand under the blanket to check her diaper.

"Mmm..." She swatted at me without opening her eyes.

"Looks like someone is a stinky little girl, huh?" I said, and her eyes opened wide.

"Nana!" She rolled over and hugged me tight, pulling me down into bed with her.

I tumbled down on top of her and tickled her playfully, causing her to go from sleepy to squealing and giggling in half a second flat. Rolling around in bed with a baby-brained girl in a stinky diaper wasn't something I could have ever expected to be part of my life.

"Hey my little giggle guts, I missed you!"

"I missed you!" She was absolutely beaming. And then she realized where she was, and the state she was in. Papa was in bed next to her, and her diaper was messy. It was obvious what had happened. Her cheeks went scarlet.

"I um... should change..." Judith muttered, climbing awkwardly out of bed in some pointless attempt to not make a bigger mess than she already had.

As she stepped out of bed, I swept one arm around her and pulled her back in, mirroring how she'd pulled me into the bed just moments earlier.

"Oh? And I'm not good enough to be around my little princess in her post-orgasmic haze? Let's cuddle, okay?"

"Nooooo," Judith whined. "I really gotta change! I fell asleep... and... and I gotta change..."

"Well, then I'm changing you."

I booped her on the nose and she pouted. But she didn't get up again. She hated when I changed her messy diapers, but it had happened a handful of times. She was getting used to it.

"Tell me what you fantasized about, when you were humping Papa in your full diaper?"

"Nana..." she mumbled under her breath. "This is not how our reunion is supposed to go..."

"How is it supposed to go?" I asked, pulling Judith into position and getting the wipes and baby powder.

"Well... I was gonna greet you at the door," Judith said evenly. "And obviously I'd be dressed really sexy. Like, lingerie or something. And panties, of course. Since I'm a big girl. And I'd get you all hot and bothered. Ya know. Normal stuff."

"And if I told you that I'd find it much sexier if you were wearing a diaper and a cute lil' printed tee, with your hair in pigtails?"

"Nana!" This time her tone was a little sharper, but the blush on her cheeks was a lot deeper. I untaped her diaper and started wiping her clean, so she couldn't get up or try to pull away.

"I'm just saying," I said dismissively.

"It's just a story," she pouted. "At least let me pretend I can be sexy in my stories!"

"I think you just need to reframe what sexy means, that's all." My tone was light and almost whimsical. Like a toddler, Judith squirmed to one side and required me to maneuver her back into place.

"What do you think I'm doing?" Judith muttered, a little annoyed.

I was riling her up a little bit, but I didn't want to tear her down after so long of not seeing each other. So...

"Okay, okay. I open the door and you're in panties and lingerie. What happens next?"

"Uh... I dunno. I didn't get that far. I seduce you or something."

"Seduce me?"

"Yeah, like... I dunno. Be seductive?"

Clearly Judith didn't do seduction that often. I wondered what kind of women Judith dated before coming here. Surely no relationship like this one.

"And how do you seduce me?" Having this conversation while I was balling up her messy diaper was an odd juxtaposition.

"Like... touch you. And kiss you. And move you around, like you do with me. Like, uh... pulling on your wrist and stuff. And telling you what to do."

"Is that how you usually seduce women?"

"Uh... sometimes?"

But it seemed like Judith was really unsure of her answer. Her eyes were staring up at the ceiling and her eyebrows were pulled together, like she was skimming through the catalog of her past sexual escapades.

"And so you pull on my wrist, you tug me into the room where you want me." I finished rubbing lotion into her skin as she told her story. "What do you do then? How do you get me wrapped around your little finger?"

"I kiss you?" She said it more like a question than a statement. "And... pull you onto the bed. And... kiss you all over your body?"

"That sounds like some smooth moves, and then what happens next?" I noisily fluffed her new diaper between my hands to get it to maximum volume.

"Um... I kiss all down your stomach. And take off your pants. And your underwear. And I kiss between your legs." Judith's cheeks were a touch pink at her recount of her imagined scenario.

"Well you are very good at being between my legs, and that is pretty seductive. Buuuuut... what if instead of those icky cloth undies, you were in a thick medical diaper?  Can't I have just this one little change?" I lifted her legs and slid the diaper beneath her butt.

"...well..." Judith pouted a little. She was just starting to get turned on fantasizing about being a big girl, and I had intervened. But what else could she do but nod her head? "I guess you can change one thing…"

"So now, you have me on the bed. You've got some lingerie coordinated with your diaper; something pretty and white and sweet, maybe some pale blue to match your diapers too?  And you're between my legs. You're kissing, you're pleasing, you're making me feel so good. What do I call you, to praise you, what do you wanna hear?" I sprinkled powder over her - lots and lots of powder - and began to gently rub it in.

"Um... well..." She stopped to think about it.

Praise isn't really a thing in sex all that much. You imply it, with moans or whimpers or whatever your deal is. The sounds you can elicit are the metric to know how good you're doing.

But with Judith, I always praised her the same way. I always called her the same thing. My reassurances were two words, burned into her libido. So after a moment, unable to come up with something better, Judith said quietly:

"Good girl...?"

"Good girl!" I pulled the diaper up between her legs and then audibly pulled one of the tapes to start fastening it. "That's right! You are my good girl. But let me tell you, sweetheart: I don't think I've ever been more turned on than when I got here today you were asleep in your diaper, cuddled up to Papa, waiting for me to change you. You are such a good girl, and so good at seducing me."

Judith blushed a little deeper and shook her head. "My story would have been better..."

"Maybe we'll have to compare one day," I teased.

Judith sat up and played with the hem of her shirt. It wasn't very long, and it had a pair of shorts that went with it. But she wasn't wearing them when I came in, and she wasn't wearing them now.

"Did Paul say anything about your new underwear?" I asked.

"Um, kind of... I had to ask him to get me some more, when I ran out. And I had to describe the kind I wanted... but I always wore pants when he was here and stuff. I forgot how restrictive pants are."

"You're cuter without pants anyway," I said.

We spent a lot of that day catching up on our month apart. I talked to her about my other client: a woman who was a lot less charming. Judith talked to me about some of the books she was reading, and the letters she exchanged. But all in all, we both agreed: life was far more dull without each other. When the sun started to set, I looked longingly out at the artificial horizon. I looked around the beach house, lit warmly by the natural light. Oranges and pinks. And I looked at Judith's face.

"I want to do something new," I told her. "Is that okay?"

"Well, that depends what it is," Judith said with a laugh.

"Trust me," I said.

Judith looked at me for a moment and nodded her head. "Yeah, okay."

Ever since I left Academy B, I kept taking those pills Justice gave me. Without a Candy to suck on my breasts, I had to go back to pumping them. But I didn't pump them today. They were achy and full. And Judith's lips were just a little glossy in the evening light.

I knew that once she'd committed to trusting me, Judith would follow through. So I wasn't shy or subtle in unbuttoning my top, letting it drop to the floor, and then unclasping my bra. I saw the way she looked at my boobs, and I wondered how long the thoughts in her head would ping around like a pinball table until she got the ball in the right hole and realized where this was going.

"Come lay in my lap, baby girl."

Judith's eyes were fixated on my chest until I spoke to her. Then she looked up.

"Uh... yeah... okay..."

Judith scooted a little closer to me and tried to sit in my lap like she usually did. This time, I repositioned her a little more ergonomically, the same way I did with Ai in the rocking chair. It wasn't exactly the same, since the couch was shaped differently, but soon I had her comfortably in my lap with her head near my chest. She looked at my nipple, inches from her mouth, then up at me.

"Nana..." Her cheeks were pink. She knew what I was going to do next.

"You're going to love this, baby girl." I wanted her to latch. I wanted her to take the initiative. "It'll bond us together in the deepest way."

Judith gently nodded her head. She looked away from me, to my breast, and leaned up just a touch, tilting her chin, until her lips could wrap around my nipple. She sucked, just a little, and the milk started dripping onto her tongue.

At first, it was awkward. She wasn't sure what to do with the milk as it filled her mouth, and eventually she swallowed. Then the rhythm of nursing took root, an ancient memory in her brain. After that, it was easy.

I played gently with her hair and looked down at her face. Her round cheeks. Her eyes, casually looking up at me every few seconds. And then, as she nursed, as the warm milk filled her tummy, she started to close her eyes. Just a little, half opened and half closed. Fluttery. And the suction felt nice. Relaxing, like a massage. But arousing, like a massage between my legs. I squirmed a little bit and so did Judith. How could something feel so safe and easy, and so sexy at the same time?

"You've transformed for me, like a butterfly." My words were soft, gentle, storybook even. "You're diaper-dependent now, you breastfeed now.  You changed for me, you gave yourself to me. And now you're mine, and there's nothing else you could ever be. There's no going back from this; you're a baby now. You're my baby now."

A bit of color reached Judith's cheeks. I used my free hand to stroke one of them, the one that wasn't pressed up against my breast. I was so warm, in a good way. Like I was siphoning Judith's heat from her body like I siphoned the rest of her.

"That's a good girl," I whispered.

The tension on my nipple. The softness of her skin. The look of helplessness on her face. My hand wandered to her own chest, covered by her shirt, and gave it a soft squeeze.

"Look at you, nursing on Nana's breast. Letting me feed you. Relying on me for everything. For food. For water. For diaper changes. How small you've become... so small you fit in my arms. So small, you can't take care of yourself anymore."

"Mm..." The sound that escaped Judith's mouth didn't break her connection to my breast. She was still latching tight, but her breathing was a little uneven.

"Soon, you'll need me to fall asleep.  You'll need me to give you baths.  You'll need me to dress you, take care of you, dote over you, and make every decision for you.  And with a mind no longer needed to make decisions, or think, or struggle, what will be left? Only happiness. Only devotion."

"Mmm....." The sound was lighter that time. I'd grown to know that sound well, when she was sucking a pacifier. She was aroused. Aroused to be nursing on me. And I was in such a stupid haze of contentedness and - weirdly enough - lust. My hand journeyed down her stomach and rested on the front of her diaper.

Then I did something I shouldn't have. I let my fantasy run away from me. I let my mind come through my mouth, unfiltered. And I started to tell Judith about our life after this place, and how we would be together. What the rest of her life would look like.

It was innocent, really. Well, not innocent - lust was the antithesis of innocence - but I only meant to stoke the fires of her libido. I loved to see how much I could arouse her with my words.  So I talked about how everyone would learn to love the new Judith, the baby girl. I talked about her "baby coming out party", where she would be the center of attention, where she could show everyone who she was now.  More importantly, whose she was.  The narrative quickly began to spiral.

"Your cheeks will be pink with embarrassment, but you'll know it's okay. It's okay to be you. It's okay to wear diapers. It's okay to fill them in the living room, while you're opening all your presents. I'll praise you for being such a good little girl, and everyone will know. There will never be any doubt."

My hand rubbed the front of her diaper as she suckled on my breast. Her lips on my nipple. My breast milk finding its way into her stomach. Helplessly, soon, into her diaper. The sight of her soft face. The heavy breathing. Both of ours.

"And on days I have to work, I'll bring you along. Every day will be bring your little girl to work day. Every day I'll dress you up, show you off. You'll be coveted, you'll be desired, you'll be an inspiration for others. Other couples who know their lives would be better if instead of asking 'who's the boy and who's the girl' people asked 'who's the Nana and who's the baby'. Maybe you'll kick off a trend, start a craze, be everything every pretty girl wants to be when they grow up."

I had remarkable control over my body. But as I imagined a future with Judith, I felt like I wasn't really in control at all. Not just the things I whispered to her, about her life as a little girl. About all the humiliating situations I would put her in. About how happy she would be.  But the other things too.

Not just changing her diaper in the morning, but waking up together.

Not just making her order off the kid's menu, but trying new restaurants with her.

Not just pushing her in a stroller through the park, but going on nature walks.

But the worst part was - the best part was - I imagined what it would be like if I faltered. If I couldn't get her off one day, or if work was too hard. And how she'd act so grown up, to make me feel better. She'd greet me at the door in panties and lingerie. And then, if I wanted her to wet herself, she would. Because it was for me. Because she was mine. And I was hers.

Judith and I both finished, probably around the same time. We were both out of breath. We were both spent. We were both lost in the bliss of orgasm and each other. And even though she was in a soggy diaper, we didn't feel all that different. And that didn't scare me.

"Woah..." Judith finally said.

"Yeah..." I said, more to the ceiling than to her.

"Nana...?" Judith asked.

"Hm?" I asked. "I wanted to tell you before you left. But I didn't. But I want to now. That I love you."

I looked down at her, but it wasn't with shock or confusion. It was with a little smile. Because,

"I love you too."

Thirty seconds later, I'd have a bad time. I'd kiss her goodbye and tell her I had to finish some paperwork. I'd go out into the hall and have a panic attack, the first one since I was in high school. But until then, those thirty seconds were the best of my entire life.

[Bonsai]

This chapter looks like the last bittersweet episode in all Gainax anime, right before the catastrophic ending.

[Mia Moore]

3 hours ago, Bonsai said:

This chapter looks like the last bittersweet episode in all Gainax anime, right before the catastrophic ending.

What an APT DESCRIPTION!!  

[Mia Moore]

Mistakes et Cetera

I looked up at the ceiling. My thoughts were swirling around like a hurricane, but I was in the eye of it. I wasn't panicking anymore. I was rationalizing.

I didn't love Judith. I'd said those words to lure her deeper into our relationship, the same way I'd said them to countless others in my life. Love was just a word. A tool to get what I wanted.

Sure, I loved people. My parents. My eighth grade math teacher. My first boyfriend. The girl I met at Pride in San Francisco in 2015. The guy in my building that drove me to Houston. Penny, the day I laid eyes on her. Maybe Justice, if she was to be believed. So maybe I loved Judith, like I loved some of those people, and not like I loved some of the others. The problem was: which ones were the same and which ones were different?

Or perhaps Judith was forcing me to love her. It was some kind of Arcana power, shaping the universe the way she wanted it. But that wasn’t how it worked. She could tamper with reality, but not with people. People had free will. I had free will. Though, in that moment, it sure didn’t feel like it.

As time went on, I kept telling Judith I loved her because that was the smart thing to do. It gave me more control over her. Or maybe it was a mistake. Maybe I was reinforcing that feeling, when I should have been squashing it. Because it wasn't going away.

I wanted to talk to Eli about it, but I didn't want to do it over text and he was too busy to visit. The only one of my friends I saw was Justice. I knew we had a history, one I couldn't remember, but it felt too soon to talk about something like that. She knew me, but I didn't know her. She was still hard to trust. Maybe that was a mistake.

I had a quarterly meetup with my therapist, Rachel. If there was anyone to talk to about Judith, it was her. But she was loyal to the Magistrate first, and me second. What if the Magistrate took me off Judith's case? That would have been best. Maybe I could have avoided everything that happened if I'd just been honest with someone, even myself. But I wasn't. Mistake. Mistake. Mistake.

"You okay?" Judith asked, speaking around her pacifier. She was curled up in my lap and the TV was on, but I wasn't watching it.

"Yeah, I'm fine princess." I leaned down and kissed her on the forehead.

"That's just not true," Judith pouted. Every one of her mannerisms had been mutated by regression. There wasn't a thing she could say or do anymore I hadn't tampered with. And it made me feel sick.

"Are you happy?" I asked. "Here? With me?"

Mistake.

"Yeah, I am," she said brightly.

"What about your dad? You don't write letters anymore."

Mistake.

"I know, but... I dunno. Writing letters isn't very on-brand with my new self-concept, right?" She was teasing. Flirting. She knew how to get my attention.

"You can still write letters," I said. "And you can want more than this. More than you have."

Mistake.

"I know I can," Judith said simply. "I just don't."

"I can't possibly make you that happy," I sighed. It wasn't like me to be self-depreciating.

Mistake.

"Don't underestimate yourself," Judith smiled. "And there's more to it than just you. Life here feels... nice..."

"Nice is enough for you?" I asked.

Mistake.

"Nana," Judith sighed. "What's up?"

"Nothing... sorry." I sighed too. "I'm just worried. You've been here for a while, and... you can't stay here forever. Even if you never remember what happened to you... do you think all the months you've spent here are justified?"

"I don't know," Judith admitted. "I always believed that when we finally crossed that line, you'd say something. And you are now, so I guess I was right."

Why the fuck did she trust me so much? How stupid could she be? Talk about mistakes!

"I don't know how to explain it," Judith said, sensing my agitation. "I wanted to do so many things in my life, but since I woke up in this room, even before I met you... I feel like this is enough for me. That being happy is enough."

That's the Memoriam for you... it was always meant to be the closest thing a candidate could get to Heaven. But it wasn't Heaven. It was just a pretty backdrop.

"Now c'mon," Judith said with a little pout. "I gotta go potty, and I don't want you to be in a bad mood when that happens."

"Yeah... I bet I'll have a full heart when you have a full diaper." I faked a smile and brushed the hair from Judith's face. Then I kissed her on the lips.

A few weeks later, the Magistrate had a new assignment for me. That Indian girl from Academy B, the one who had helped Ai escape. Her name was Bala.

"Hello there," I said, sitting down on the floor of the nursery. She was wearing a diaper and a tight crop top, sticking stickers haphazardly into a coloring book. Bala looked up at me and waved, not bothering to take out her pacifier. Her handler - a woman younger than Bala in pink scrubs - was waiting in the corner. She looked nervous.

"Do you remember me?" I asked Bala, tilting my head.

She nodded.

"What do you remember?" Then I plucked the pacifier from her mouth so she could speak.

"You took Ai away, an' I went to the Cold Room," Bala said, a childish inflection in her voice.

"Why did I do that?" I asked.

"'Cuz you did," Bala said simply.

Curious.

"Do you think it's my fault you went to the Cold Room?" I asked.

"Nuh uh. It's Ai's fault. 'Cuz she made my choices, an' tha's not nice."

"She made your choices?" I asked. "But I didn't?"

"You just did a thing you did. But she tricked me to do somethin' I didn't wanna do," Bala said, a touch of annoyance in her voice. She stuck a sticker down with vigor.

"What did you want to do?" I asked.

"I wanted to be a good girl," Bala said, and her annoyance quickly turned to sadness. I saw tears in her eyes.

"What do you want now?" I asked.

"To be a good girl, still," she said. She stuck another sticker down. There was no rhyme or reason to where she was placing them, often overlapping at the corners.

"What are you making?" I asked.

"Nothin. Just doin' it 'cuz I wanna."

"What if I told you to stop?" I asked.

She stopped. I didn't even ask. She closed her book and looked up at me earnestly. Interesting...

"You don't want to do your stickers anymore?" I asked.

"I wanna be a good girl," she said simply.

"I'm not tricking you like Ai did?"

"No. Because this is what I want."

Fascinating.

"Bala," I said. "I have a request."

What I did next might seem cruel. It wasn't, not really. There was no danger to Bala, unless she truly wanted to die. Unless she could manifest a bullet into the handgun I pulled out of my purse. In which case, it wasn't cruel to give her what she wanted.

"Wait! Miss Porter!" The woman from the corner took a step forward and I held up a hand to her. She froze in place, trembling with anticipation.

My request for Bala was carefully worded, and Bala followed that request without any hesitation. When it was over, I took the gun back and the handler in the corner slid to the floor with relief.

"You're very obedient," I said warmly.

"I'm a good girl," Bala said with supreme confidence.

"That you are, Bala. That you are."

Over the next week, I continued to test Bala. Penny's confidence was only 75%, but mine was 100%. Bala Khatri was the Chariot we were looking for, and Ai led us right to her.

I started splitting my time between Academy B and Academy M. Judith wasn't thrilled about it, but she understood. She knew there was something grander going on, and that I was useful in more ways than just getting her off in her diapers.

And still, she never probed. She never asked any questions. The Memoriam was enough for her. I was enough for her. I thought it might stay that way forever. But I was mistaken.

Time flew by. I accepted how I felt about Judith, and I accepted that it didn't matter anyway. What we had was built on manipulation and coercion. So even if it was real for me, it could never be real for her. Not really.

Then one day, in early summer, it was over. The Magistrate sent out an official announcement: they had found their Star. I thought I'd be happy, but it felt so bittersweet. Everything with Judith and I was about to end.

J > I'll be over tomorrow to pick you up.

M > You're sure?
M > Like, 100%?

J > You know Penny. 100%s don't exist. But 95% is pretty high.

M > Ok
M > See you tomorrow

I stood outside of Judith's door for an hour. I didn't know what to say to her. Goodbye? But what was the point? It would all go away soon. No Judith, no Maria. Not in the sense of who we are now. It was pointless. Nonsense rotations of the planet. Things that shouldn't even exist.

I thought about telling her the truth. I thought about telling her everything. But that was cruel. I just wanted her to yell at me. To hate me. Because that was what I deserved. What did she deserve? The best day of her life.

"Hey princess," I said, entering the foyer of the beach house for the last time.

"Nana!" Judith ran across the beach house and tackled me like an excited child.

I wrapped my arms around her back and squeezed her closely, resting my cheek against her hair as I savored what would be the last excited-hug-of-greeting I'd ever get. The melancholy was akin to graduating school, knowing I'd never see those people again. An entire chapter of my life was coming to an end, and things would never be the same.

An author I used to read once wrote about people with terminal diseases enjoying their 'last good day', and how you would never know that day was the last until it was over. But I knew before it began: that day was today.

"I missed you," I said. "How have you been?"

"Pretty good," Judith said with a smile, rocking back and forth on her feet. She was dressed in a cute pink pajama shirt with her medical diaper on full display. She didn't even try to hide it, and she'd only get embarrassed if I pointed it out. Which I did.

"Let's see if you need a change," I said, slipping my hand between her thighs. Her cheeks turned pink and her gaze fell to the floor.

"Nana..."

"Nope, still dry! How impressive."

"Nana!" she said again, pulling her shirt down to try to cover her diaper. It didn't work.

"Now, there's nothing to be embarrassed about. You're dry, remember?"

She grumbled a little, but she kept her shirt pulled down.

"Now, what would you like to do today? Anything you want!"

"Anything?" Judith asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Anything," I said, which was not what she expected. She lowered her eyebrow and gave me a look. I could tell she was changing her tactic a little.

"Then I'd like to watch a movie. Oliver and Company, because we never finished it."

"Oh, right."

The last time we'd tried, she had to use the bathroom and we got in that big fight. I didn't like the idea of reliving that experience, but maybe replacing the memory with a good one would be therapeutic for the both of us. I wanted to erase all the bad things I'd done to her, but I had to just settle for this one.

"Alright Princess, you get to have anything you want for this movie. Do you want popcorn? Do you want to cuddle up in a beanbag? Do you want to sit on my lap while I feed you a sippy?"

A while back, I'd stopped hiding that I could procure just about anything as needed, and Judith had just come to accept it that way that any young child accepts that food just ends up in the pantry and toys just end up under the Christmas tree. Prudent Judith, though, she was a simple girl of simple tastes.  She just wanted to watch a movie.

"You're awfully attentive today," Judith said skeptically, as the two of us took our seats on the sofa. She had a sippy cup of juice and I had my arm around her.

"You deserve some attention," I said brightly. "Would you rather I ignore you all day?"

"No, I just..." Judith shook her head and faked a smile. "Nevermind."

A few minutes into the movie, Judith's head was on my lap and I was holding her sippy cup for her. I had seen dozens of movies with Judith already, but this time I was paying special attention to the screen. I knew it was one of her favorite films, and I wanted to give it the respect it deserved. I wanted to do one thing right.

"I'm really liking the music," I said, after we got through the one with Dodger running around New York City.

"Yeah, the music is good. I'll tell you when my favorite song comes on."

"The piano one?" I asked. I remembered that.

"Yeah!"

She seemed genuinely happy that I remembered, so I leaned down and kissed her on the forehead. It was a real demonstration of my flexibility.

Halfway into the movie, we paused so I could refill her sippy cup. Then the little rich girl started playing the piano song. It was about always being together, her and the cat.

We'll always be good company, you and me.

I looked at Judith out of the corner of my eye. I thought she'd be happy to hear her favorite song, but she just looked... sad.

"You okay?" I asked, playing with her hair.

"Yeah, I'm okay," Judith said around the spout of her sippy cup. I wasn't going to push it, but... well, was there ever going to be a better time?

"Talk to me, princess."

Judith shrugged her shoulders and took the sippy cup out of her mouth.

"I just... really like the song. But it's a little scary too, you know? You and me, forever. Always. But nothing can be forever, right? Nothing can be always."

"I guess not..." I admitted.

Both of us were quiet for a long time, until Judith said, under her breath, so I nearly didn't hear it: "I wish forever was longer than it is."

I played with her hair and nodded my head.

"Me too, Judith. Me too."

Judith and I kept watching the movie, and we were just about near the end when Judith tugged on my sleeve.

"I gotta go potty..."

"The movie is on, princess," I teased. "You can wait a sec."

"No, but I gotta go... it's an emergency."

Emergency. That was a key word she used when she had to poop. I was having flashbacks to the first time we watched Oliver and Company.

"And what would you like to do?" I asked. I didn't do that anymore, not when it came to using the bathroom or using her diapers, but the last thing I wanted to do was make her sad.

"Uh, I'd like to..." Judith hesitated. She looked up at me, then at the TV screen. I kept waiting for her to finish her sentence, but she didn't. Things felt a little off. I was playing too cautiously, and she was picking up on it. Judith from a few months ago may have appreciated how considerate I was acting, but that just wasn't our dynamic. It had never been.

The movie ended.  Happily.  But when Judith looked up at me, she didn't seem happy.

"So, um..." she started.

"So you should put on another movie," I interrupted. Confidence. Certainty. I didn't want Judith to think anything was wrong. She smiled and nodded her head.

"Okay, I'll change the DVD."

Ten minutes into the next movie - another Disney film that Judith didn't seem half as attached to - she tugged on my sleeve again.

"I gotta go potty," she mumbled.

"The movie is on, princess," I said. It felt like we were repeating our dialogue like lines in a play.

"But I gotta go..."

"A big girl could hold it. You're a big girl, aren't you?"

"Yes, but..."

"Then you can hold it."

Judith pouted. A mock pout. She crossed her arms and sunk into the sofa. I looked over at her with a small smile, but when she looked at me I turned back to the TV.

Ten minutes later, Judith's whimpers were louder than the TV. I ignored them.

"Nana..." She tugged my sleeve again.

"Yes, sweetie?" She didn't need to tell me, but it was all part of the song and dance, all part of the ritual.

"I gotta go potty..."

"I know, you mentioned," I said, with a touch of impatience. "If you're such a little girl, just use your diaper."

"I'm not!" she argued.

"Then you can hold it, like a grown up."

"I... ugh..." Judith whimpered and I could feel her hand trembling on my sleeve.

"Shh, c'mon now. Lie down." I grabbed her by the arm with one hand and her shoulder with the other. I turned her around so that she was lying on her back, with her head in my lap. Her feet dangled a little ways over the armrest, and she was quick to tuck them in so that her knees were in the air.

"Nana..." she begged. I could hear the desperation in her voice.

"Nana will change you after the movie, sugarplum, so you just go ahead and do your business in your diapers. And no more fussing, understand?" Judith always responded very well to my stern directness, especially if she couldn't detect any kind of manipulative intent.

"I'm not... gonna do—"

I silenced Judith with her pacifier, pushing it between her lips. She looked up at me with crimson cheeks and an ounce of panic. I smiled down at her.

"Go ahead and use your diapers. You'll feel so much better when you're done, when your diaper is nice and full. Won't you? Yes, you will."

I played with Judith's hair as I teased her, as I watched her body tense. Her feet pushed on the arm of the sofa, so the seat of her diaper was lifted a little bit off the couch cushions. Her cute little face scrunched up as she pushed. Filling her diaper. Messing her diaper. Pooping her diaper. Because she'd done it a hundred times before, and it was so easy now. Because she was my helpless little girl.

Every muscle in her body finally got to relax. Judith exhaled and melted back down into the sofa, sucking softly and contentedly on her pacifier. I played with her hair as the smell floated up around her, and the redness swelled in her cheeks.

"Good girl, Judith."

"Nana..." Judith tried to say around her pacifier, but I shushed her.

"The movie is on."

To her credit, Judith waited a good ten minutes before asking again. And ten minutes after that before asking again. But she soon grew fed up with my dismissiveness.

"I gotta change," she tried to argue.

"I said the movie is on, princess."

"Nooo, I gotta change!"

"Judith," I said sharply. "Remember your place. You're a little girl in a stinky diaper, and I'm your Nana. You'll do what you're told."

"But... I gotta change..." Had Judith's voice been meek and needy, maybe I would have let her argument slide. But it wasn't. It was whining and pleading. So I grabbed her under the arms and pulled her onto my lap, flipping her onto her stomach.

"Hey! Wait, wait!" she quickly begged, letting the pacifier drop from her lips in surprise.

"You're acting very whiny and willful and disruptive, Judith," I said. "You're a good girl, and this isn't what good girls do. So I'm just going to give you a little reminder of what happens to naughty girls who whine and whimper and make a fuss."
"No! Nana!"

But with one swat on the seat of her messy diaper, she shut up. She sunk into my lap and I could feel the heat of her blush all throughout her body.

"Now, let's see... you were making demands. You were fussing. You were acting like you had a say. But that can't be true, now can it?" I swatted her diaper again and a shiver ran up her spine. Judith quickly shook her head.

"You're just a little girl, and words are hard to use sometimes, so you should just suck on your binky and let your Nana handle the decisions."

Smack. Smack. Smack. The spanking couldn't have hurt, not anything more than her pride, but what adult gets spanked in a full diaper? It was an adulthood-destroying experience.

"Right, sweetie?" I prompted.

Judith nodded again, but I knew her pacifier wasn't in her mouth. So I swatted her stinky diaper one more time - harder than the rest - and gave the order:

"Put your paci in."

She quickly scrambled to put her pacifier in.

"There's a good girl. Grown-ups talk, grown-ups make decisions. Baby girls are cute, and pretty, and stinky, and don't make decisions."

I gave her three more spanks for good measure, and then I ran my fingers down the back of her thigh and rubbed her skin gently as a kind of 'you did good' gesture.

When I finally let Judith off my lap, she wasn't crying, but her face was scarlet. She wouldn't look at me, even as I placed her down on my lap. She winced, sitting in her own mess, and we returned to the movie.

Half an hour later, Judith looked exhausted. The humiliation of sitting in a stinky diaper all hour was certainly a lot for her, and the spanking definitely compounded it. My time with Judith was almost up for the day, and I wanted to change her, maybe give her a bath, and cuddle until I had to go. I wanted us to end on a good note. But one more thing first.

I helped her into the bedroom and laid her down on the bed. I fetched a clean diaper and baby wipes from her dresser. And her vibrating wand. After that first messy diaper, I always made her cum before a change. I wanted her to know that submission and pleasure went hand in hand.

But this time, my motives were a little more selfish. I wanted her to feel good and be happy.

"Nana..." she muttered, blushing deeper. "Please, not this again…"

"Oh, please not what, sweetie? Please… don't make you feel good? Please… don't reward you? Please… don't show you how much I adore you?" I wanted to say love there, I really did, but the word got stuck in my chest and never made it to my lips. God I'd fucked up.

"Lemme change first," she begged. It wasn't uncommon at all for her to want to be in a fresh diaper before something like this, but her insistence was greater than usual. No doubt the messy diaper spanking had done a number on her.

"Nonsense," I said cheerily, pressing the wand to the thick soggy padding between her thighs. With the press of a button, it buzzed to life and Judith quivered on the mattress.

"Na…Na… Na… Nanuuuuuuhhhhhh"

Judith squirmed and arched her back. I pressed the wand against her diaper the way I always did, and I praised the way that I always did. I wanted her to remember this.

It didn't take more than a few minutes to bring her to orgasm, for my little Judith to cum in her messy diaper. She laid there, exhausted, and I went about changing her. She was helpless and weak as I untaped her diaper, cleaned her up, and lifted her legs to slide a fresh one under her bum. I thought a bath would be a better idea, but I liked the simplicity of her submission. Of being too spent after an orgasm to stop me dressing her in another diaper.

Afterward, Judith and I cuddled in bed for a few minutes. I whispered kind things in her ears. And I told her I loved her, because I did. And I probably sounded a little sadder than I had meant to.

Then I had to go. I gave her a kiss goodbye, leaving her in just her diaper and crop tip, with a lipstick print on her forehead. But just before I closed her bedroom door, I heard her voice.

"Nana?"

"Yes, princess?" I asked.

"I wanna... have sex."

I laughed a little and looked at the girl on the bed. So cute. So helpless. Everything I'd turned her into. And at the same time, so uniquely untainted. So sincerely Judith. I smiled to myself. I'd miss her so much. Until I didn't.

"You've had enough sex for one day," I said.

"Yeah, but... but I have one more freebie. Sex, anytime I want. Remember?"

I blinked. That was so long ago. Did she really have one left?

"You sure you want to use it now?" I asked.

"Yeah..." Judith said, nodding her head. "It feels like... now is the right time."

I really should have left. I was already aching inside, having to say goodbye. And the goodbye was so ordinary, so typical. It was everything I needed it to be. I didn't want to stay. But I'd made a promise to Judith. So I nodded my head.

"Alright. If you're sure."

It made me wonder how much she knew, if maybe she'd picked up on my body language, my word choices, my decisions and actions. Or maybe she knew innately. She was a Candy, after all. Maybe she'd always known. But it didn't matter.

I sat back down on the edge of the bed, right next to her, and began to slowly unbutton my scrubs. But Judith shook her head.

"Keep those on, please... I wanna remember it like this. With you as my nurse. In big girl panties. And me, like this. In diapers. Helpless. For you."

I blinked, frozen in place on the bed. She stared at me with such confidence, I wasn't sure what to say. Then she corrected herself.

"Actually, a different top for me... a gown, I think. Like the hospital ones."

"Sure, princess," I said, getting up off the bed. "Anything you want."

She wasn't advocating to be anything she wasn't, not anymore. She was my helpless little girl, and I was her nurse. I was her Nana and she was my patient. We were everything to one another in that moment, and I was inclined to allow her the scenario she wanted.

In short order, I returned to the bed with a patient gown, the type that tied at the back and never fit just right.

"I'm happy I met you," Judith said, playing with her fingers while I tied the gown.

"I'm happy I met you too," I admitted. A mistake, probably.

"Even if we have to live at this beach house, or hospital, or whatever you think it is. I hope our forever lasts a lot longer."

I should have just asked her about all the things she was saying. Why she sounded so final. Why she was acting like today was different to any other day. But I didn't. Another mistake. Instead, I said:

"Me too..."

Once the gown was tied on, she looked up at me shyly and bit her lip. There was still lipstick on her forehead from my goodbye kiss.

"Nurse Maria," Judith said, using a name I hadn't heard in a long time from her lips. "Are you sure I should be in diapers at my age?"

"In your condition, there's simply no other choice," I said. "You're going to be in diapers forever now; you're never going to be out of them. Which means you'll always need someone to take care of you, someone to keep you healthy and safe. That's why you have me. I've been assigned to be your caregiver and your nurse from now on."

Terms like 'from now on' and 'forever' certainly had a difference in meaning when the world would end soon.

"But I'm a grown woman," Judith said with a blush. "I can't be in diapers all the time. What about... what about if I'm intimate with someone? There's no way that could work..."

What a cute angle. Almost antiquated, in the context of our relationship. A girl who didn't believe diapers could be sexy. It reminded me of our first time, and a wave of nostalgia welled up in my heart.

"Well, as it turns out, you have a very dedicated nurse, and I'll help with any adjustments and lifestyle changes. I'd be more than happy to demonstrate intimacy with you; you're my favorite little patient, after all. And I'd be very remiss to let this go without showing you what a wonderful sex life you can still have, once you change your perspective."

"Wha...?" Judith feigned surprise. "You can't... I mean... you're my nurse! I couldn't possibly do something like that with my nurse. Be reasonable!"

"Oh you don't have to worry about that, even for a second. I'm fully trained to take care of all your problems you might experience."

"That's not what I mean," Judith said with a hint of annoyance. Something from long ago. Something I didn't see much anymore. The nostalgia was like a brick to the stomach.

"I mean, I'm not letting my nurse do... that stuff to me! And... and anyway, it doesn't matter. You can't have sex in a diaper. That's ridiculous..."

"Oh Judith, you have so much to learn. You most certainly can have sex in a diaper, and I can show you how. You know, out of a sense of medical professionalism. Think of this as a form of physical therapy, okay? Can you do that for me?"

She looked up at me with bright surprise in her eyes. Her face took on another shade of embarrassment. Then she bit her lip and nodded her head.

"I suppose... if it's... professional..."

"In my medical opinion, it certainly is," I said. "I'm very well prepared to take care of your every health need, Judith."

I took a step forward and leaned down, close to Judith. My glasses fogged up just a little as I touched my lips to hers. Softly. Gently. I tucked her hair behind her ear and pushed her backward, until she fell back onto the bedsheets. Her cheeks were pink.

"Um... that's... maybe a little overboard for a professional?" she asked.

"Is it? I just want to prepare you for a realistic experience."

"I... guess so..."

"Being in diapers full-time, helpless and needy… none of that means you have to give up proper love-making, Judith. You just have to trust in my medical opinions, and I'll take good care of you."

Judith nodded a little and I crawled onto bed after her. I didn't have to spread her legs, as her diaper did that for me already. Truthfully, she almost never closed her legs anymore.

I took my fingers and touched the top of her thigh, pushing the gown up and out of the way. Judith quickly tried to pull it back down to hide the diaper. Gently, I slapped the back of her hand and tutted with my tongue, admonishing her in the way I imagined a particularly handsy and unprofessional nurse might have done, and continued exactly what I was doing.

"Don't squirm, Judith. Be good."

Be good. I could see those words bouncing around in her head, and she finally nodded.

"Yes, Nurse..." she mumbled.

I moved my hand up her thigh again, taking her gown with it. All the way up, until her diaper was fully exposed. Until her bare stomach was visible. I was slow and meticulous, taking my time with each movement.

"I look silly," Judith blushed.

"You look stunning," I said, crinkling the plastic on her hip. I pressed my fingers against the diaper between her legs, enough for her to be able to feel the pressure.

"You think... I look sexy?" Judith asked.

"I do," I said honestly. Because lying on her back like that, with pink cheeks, in her diaper... she was sexy. Maybe that's what love does to a person, or maybe I was building my own associations these days. I leaned down and kissed her once again.

From there, things happened very naturally. One kiss into the other. My hand on the seat of her diaper, rubbing it. Her hand under my top, against my bare breasts. My shirt grew damp from the milk, because I never did stop taking those pills. I never could give up the idea of breastfeeding Judith. Her mouth latched onto my nipple. I moaned and trembled in her arms.

I wound up on my back. Judith crawled on top of me and planted the front of her diaper on my bare thigh. Her lips wrapped around my other nipple and her hand slid down into the front of my pink pants. I played with her hair as she straddled her diaper against my leg, grinding the thick padding into her clit. And I was awash with love. Not just lust, but love. For Judith. And a bit of lust, too.

I moved my thigh against Judith's diaper, rocking her and bouncing her. And whenever I felt her come close to orgasm, I'd stop. With her hand in my underwear, my mental tricks were only working so well. Every time I felt myself getting close, I'd grab her wrist and move her hand away from me for a moment.

Because I didn't want to cum. Because she didn't want to cum. Because we didn't want it to end.

It felt like days. It felt like minutes. But it could have only been an hour or so of edging each other. When I couldn't take it anymore - or maybe she couldn't? - I bounced her on my thigh and she rubbed her fingers in circles against my clit. We both fell apart in each others arms, quivering and moaning, our respective underwear soaked.

For a long time, neither of us wanted to move. We wanted to find Father Time and kill him ourselves. Hand in hand. And if I could have been honest with Judith, if I could have told her the truth, then maybe we could have made that moment an eternity. Maybe she could have stopped the clock, and forever could have lasted forever.

But I didn't.

Maybe that was my biggest mistake of all.

[Salinas98]

This is very hot! I'm curious how things will develop from this point. I hope that maybe both of them end up in diapers and then have sex again. That would be awesome :D

[Bonsai]

Is there some sort of connection between Judith (the #1 candy) and Justice, aside from the starting J?

And Maria's memory was erased by Judith early on. If that was done with a marker, that proofs that Maria is somethin more than a common human with no powers at all, else she would have become a hollow shell zombie like it happened to all humans before the first Candy was found and Kenzo was able to find a way to distinguish Candies before having to touch them.

In the end, was it Maria giving her last farewell to Judith, or in reality was it the other way around?

[Personalias]

On 2/23/2024 at 3:29 PM, Bonsai said:

Is there some sort of connection between Judith (the #1 candy) and Justice, aside from the starting J?

And Maria's memory was erased by Judith early on. If that was done with a marker, that proofs that Maria is somethin more than a common human with no powers at all, else she would have become a hollow shell zombie like it happened to all humans before the first Candy was found and Kenzo was able to find a way to distinguish Candies before having to touch them.

In the end, was it Maria giving her last farewell to Judith, or in reality was it the other way around?

This is just my fan theory but look at the prophecy at the beginning.

"The just are blind to love, and the lovers are blind to everything else."

With all the tarot prophecy stuff, I think Judith (with Maria) are "The Lovers".  Which means one or both of them are going to be sneak under Justice's radar.  And "Blind to everything else".  I think Maria missed something important or WILL miss something important that will possibly backfire on her in a big away.  That's why all these chapters are labeled "Mistakes".  It's only in hindsight that she realizes she fell in love with Judith and that distraction sabotaged the stated mission in some way.  And Justice missed the crucial moment too.

[Bonsai]

I agree with the theory of Maria and Justice making fatal mistakes and believe Maria has already been fooled to consider one tarot for another.

[Mia Moore]

I Don't Fucking Know.

I held it together until I left the beach house. I held it together until I signed off on some of Erik's new paperwork. I held it together as I answered a few texts. I held it together until I made it to my room, and then I couldn't hold it together anymore. I started to cry. To really cry.

I didn't sleep at all that night. Maybe that factors in a little bit. Is that a mistake? Is any of this? I don't even know anymore. I'm so fucking tired, and I'm so fucking scared. Because I don't know what is right or wrong.

I get a wish. Justice reminded me to send it to the Magistrate, so that when it all went down, I'd be okay. I'd have everything I wanted. What I want was Judith.

But how could I ever make up for all this? Even if I were to erase her memories, or mine? What would that guarantee? If she didn't have the trauma I'd caused, or the fetish I gave her, or the months of conditioning, would she ever love me? Could she ever even like me?

And what about me? Before I met Judith, I hadn't wanted any of this. Was it because of the way we bonded? The way I played with her mind? The way I trapped her and tricked her and lied to her? Could I ever really love her, as her own person? As something other than what I made her?

I keep going through it, over and over and over. I keep wondering what I could have done differently.

What if I didn't reset Judith? Or what if I never used the marker that first time? What if I didn't lie about the hospital and the beach house? What if I saw my therapist? What if I never took Ai's case, or Bala's? What if I didn't let her have five of those free sex things, and last night never happened? What if we never kissed?

What if I never let her write those letters to her dad? Would she have still wanted to write letters to me at Academy B? Would she have thought of writing me a letter last night too? Would she be powerful enough to break through the laws of physics that governed the Memoriam, just enough to slide a letter under the door?

I found it on accident. I was meeting with Justice in the cafeteria and my feet went the long way around, out of habit. I almost didn't see it on the ground, in a white envelope. I almost didn't think to pick it up, but I thought Erik dropped it. I almost didn't read the front of it. Maria. And I almost didn't open it, because I was too fucking scared. But I did.

Maria,

I know there's something going on. Something big, right? And I get the feeling I'll never see you again. I hate that feeling. I hate to think that this letter is all there is left of you. But, well...

I know you're lying to me. I've known for a long time, since... gosh, I don't know. Remember when we had our fight, and you left for a week? Things felt different after that, and I started to snoop. But I didn't like what I was finding. I didn't like thinking that everything we had was a lie.

So I'm not going to think that, okay? Because the truth is, no matter what mistakes you've made, I still trust you to do what's right and good. Even if you haven't done that historically. Every day is a new chance to make the world a better place, and you've made my world a million times better.

I know you don't believe me. I know you think I'm just saying this stuff, because you're really the only person I know anymore. But I promise. I feel at home here, not because this place looks like my family's beach house. But because there was the promise of you.

So, I promise you... things will be okay. We'll be okay.

See you soon, Nana.

I love you.

~Judith Levin

I shook my head.

How? How could she still think like this? How can she have faith in me? Sure, she doesn't know the extent of what I've done. But come on! I'm just not a good person! I'm just not good! Why do you think I want this world to be different? Why do you think I need to change the entire fucking universe? Because, how else am I going to be a good person? How else can I change?

According to Judith... just by trying. Just by doing what is right and good. How could that possibly make up for all the bad I've done? How can I justify all this, unless I get to the end? Unless I unravel everything and start from scratch? That's the only way to be better. That's the only way to be different!

Right? Isn't it?

I thought so. I've thought so for so long. And now Judith comes along, and I see the way she believes in me. The way she believes in everything. She wants to care just because she wants to. She wants to believe just because she wants to.

But that isn't enough! Not for me! Not for normal people! We aren't angels! We aren't special! I'm not special...

I'm not...

How can she think I am?

I don't... understand... anything...

"Maria?" Justice got up from her seat and looked at me. With. Um. Concern? I don't know. My head was spinning.

"Hey, Maria, are you okay?" Justice asked. She took a step forward but I shook my head. I folded the note and shoved it in the pocket of my dress. A nice dress. Not scrubs. Because I'm not a nurse anymore. Not anymore.

"Sorry... I didn't sleep well," I said, taking a seat. Justice hesitated, then took a seat too.

"Is this because of Ai?" Justice asked. "I didn't have anywhere else to put her."

"Ai?" What the fuck did she have to do with anything?

"Yeah? I transferred her here yesterday. Your signature is on the papers."

"The... papers..." That thing Erik needed me to sign? I wasn't even reading it. Then... "Ai's here?"

"Yep, room twelve. We just needed her out of the way while we set up for Eden."

"Eden." Right. We decided on that name months ago. The new world. Eden.

"It shouldn't be long. A few weeks, maybe a month. We are prepping the Star."

"So... we decided?" I asked. "Who is going to be God?"

"Her name is Ayoka," Justice said. "She was at Academy A. Top student. Highly responsive to praise. She's perfect. Just wait until you meet her."

"Ayoka..." The name of my soon-to-be maker. Not many people can say that.

"Yep. You're going to introduce her to Bala, and we'll go from there. Honestly, I'm feeling really good about this."

"Yeah..."

"You sure you're alright, Maria?"

The funny thing is, if I knew more about Justice, maybe I would have been honest with her. Maybe if I hadn't forgotten everything we had, I would have felt like I could have leaned on her a little. But I didn't. So I shook my head and faked a smile.

"I'm okay." I was always a very good liar.

"Well, get your stuff and let's get out of here," Justice said. "And don't forget your marker. I've collected all the others, and Eli is meeting us there."

"Yeah, uh. Let me get my bag."

I agreed to meet Justice out front of Academy M and made my way back toward my room. The long way around.

I stopped at Judith's door and checked her monitor. She was sitting in the living room, watching Oliver and Company. I put my back to the wall and looked up at the ceiling. I'd never see her again...

It was selfish to go in there. It would only hurt both of us. But one more look at her, one more kiss, one more touch...

I could let her leave. She could run. Maybe find a way to escape rapture. But not even an Arcana could do that. Even if she could, I didn't even have time to explain, let alone point her in the right direction.

The right direction.

I looked down the hall. It was empty. Everyone was evacuating Academy M. There was no point running any of the Academies anymore, now that we had what we needed. I reached forward and touched Judith's door.

"I'm sorry... I'm sorry I'm not a better person. You deserved a better person."

I kissed the front of her door, leaving a smear of red lipstick. Then I turned and headed down the hall.

I'm not special, but Judith is. And if Judith thinks there's something good about me, then maybe I'm the one that's wrong.

I slid all the sliders on my tablet to one side and clipped the marker to the top of it. The cap started changing colors, vacillating between every shade of the rainbow, even as I disconnected it. The marker was hot to the touch, and I had to quickly slide it into my breast pocket before it hurt my fingers. I dropped my tablet on the ground without a care and shoved open the last door in the hall.

Room twelve.

I was accosted by bright green trees and bushes. Thousands of flowers. Millions of them. A veritable forest, right out of a fairy tale. And in the center of a clearing, right in front of me, was a bed. On it, sound asleep, was Ai Sinclair.

I took a few steps forward. The trees seemed to bend away from me in fear. I approached the little bed, framed in hard wood and vines of unusual flowers. Ai was dressed in a beautiful blue gown, dripping like waterfalls over the sides of her altar. She looked so peaceful, so serene.

I stepped up to her and brushed the hair out of her face. Short hair. Hair I'd cut.

Then I slapped her. Not hard. Just gently, on the cheek.

"I could kill you a million different ways right now," Ai said under her breath.

"Do it then, and get this over with."

Ai's eyes blinked open and she looked up at me. Then she sat up. And as she did, the flowers began to wilt. The leaves fell from the trees and the wood began to rot. The whole world around us fell apart.

Then, it was gone altogether. The dark gray grew brighter and brighter. It was just us, dressed in matching white dresses, in a vast sea of white. The only discernible feature was the altar Ai was still sitting upon, speckled with budding seeds.

“It was bold of you to come here," Ai said, because it was her world. She had control over everything in the Memoriam. Her Memoriam.

"I wanted to talk," I said.

"Right. And reset me again? Mind-wipe me? Turn me off? Well, you did it. You finally found a place I can't escape from. No matter what I do. No matter what I make."

That was because Judith was the access point, a security feature. Also, one of the reasons it was so important that I keep her in check. As long as she felt she couldn't leave, then no other candidate could leave either. The Memoriam was Ai's playground and her tomb.

"No, Ai," I said. "It's over. The Academy has what it needs."

"The Star, the Chariot."

"So you remember?"

"Kione helped," Ai shrugged. "With everything she taught me, you can't reset me anymore.  I remember everything. I remember everything you did to me too."

"Yeah, and you know..." I sighed and crossed my arms. "I'm sorry. I'm... actually sorry."

"Bullshit."

"I thought what I was doing was right," I said. "I thought it was necessary. I still do, kind of. I feel like... nothing can change unless everything does. That the whole world is so big and impossible. That I'm so... impossible..."

"Well, I hope your new life is as shitty and awful as this one was," Ai said sharply.

"Yeah, I deserve that, I guess."

I reached into my pocket and pulled out the marker. Ai visibly stiffened. She could have tried to take it from me, but coming anywhere near that marker was dangerous for her. So she kept her cool.

"I'm not going to hurt you," I said. "I wanted to ask a favor, actually."

Ai glared at me. She didn't believe me. She never believed me. Why would this be any different? I sighed.

"To be honest, I'm scared," I said. "Because we're all so erratic, as human beings. Because everything we want can change so quickly. But we change so slowly. I've been wanting to be a better person for years, but I feel like today is the first time I might actually be. Because I'm sorry. Because what I did to you was wrong, and... and my intentions aren't an excuse. But I want to make it up to you, if you'll let me."

Ai didn't say anything, so I held up the marker and kept talking.

"Usually we use the markers to work in our favor, but I think I can do the opposite. I think, the way I set this one up... it can help you fight against the Academy."

"Or kill me," Ai said flatly.

"Sure, or kill you," I sighed. "But I'm hoping it's the first one."

Ai stared at me for a moment, crossing her arms.

"Why do you want me to help me all of a sudden?"

"I have no fucking idea," I said, angry at myself for my own inconsistencies.

My whole life, I had been afraid of doing the wrong thing.  I didn't want to make any mistakes.  I didn't want to learn to be better, because I wanted to be the best at everything right away.  But the only things I was ever good at were hurtful.  Lying.  Manipulating.  Twisting the world to fit my narrative, to make me the hero.  Everything I did had a reason, a purpose.  Everything I did was worth it.

I thought Judith was a mistake.  I thought letting her write those letters was a mistake.  I thought her kissing me was a mistake, and showing her any kind of true emotion was a mistake.  I thought loving her was a mistake.

But if I never did those things, then I would never have learned.  I would never have realized that things didn't have to be like this.

"Maybe people who would do this to people," I said, “people like me... we shouldn't be in charge of the new world."

"And I should be?" Ai asked.

"Absolutely not," I said sourly. "But you're the Magician. If anyone can make a difference this late in the game, it's you."

We were both quiet for a long time. I uncapped the marker, still swirling with colors, and nearly dropped it from the heat. The tip was a metal ball, strung together with wire and coils. The space around it - even in Ai's Memoriam - was distorted and fractured, like broken mirrors. We both stared at the marker, then at each other.

"Well..." I said. "What'll it be?"

With a deep sigh, and with a clear mind, Ai took a step toward me. And in return, I took a step toward her.

That step was the biggest I have ever taken, and the biggest I'll ever take.  A step toward something harder, something scarier.  A step toward betterment.

[End]

[BabyLexie]

For some reason, I thought Academy M was the final chapter, so I really wasn't expecting such a wild cliffhanger!!! 🥺 I'm hyper-fixated on the series' timeline. I really need to rejoin your Patreon/Discord to see if anyone has put it together properly yet.

I'm not surprised Ayoka is the Star. I finished rereading Academy A right before the final chapter of Academy M. The foreshadowing is pretty explicit: the debut of Justice (who is hunting the Star), the smash cut to the Calm after Aya's victory, even the star-shaped stickers she's been collecting.

Like Pers, I think Maria is a Candy, but more because of metatextual hints. I'd been reading the Academy titles as corresponding to developmental stages: Academy I(nfant), Academy B(aby), T(oddler), K(id), A(dolescent), M(ature). But I just now realized they also correspond to the protagonists' names: I(Ai), B(ala), T(alia), K(ione), A(yoka), M(aria). If Maria is a Candy, I don't think we can take anything Justice told her to be true, including the Eden timeline.

This chapter makes it seem like we're barrelling toward a finale. But there remain so many outstanding mysteries:

• What's the deal with Justice? - My crackpot theory: Justice is Maria. We've only seen Justice have in-person convos with Maria. Even Justice's debut in Academy A could have been her driving Maria's body. They're like Superman/Clark Kent: you never see them together in the same place.
• Who are Jamie, Felicia, and Erik? - I can't remember if these characters were ever mentioned before Academy M. But Academy M hints pretty strongly at an upcoming narrative for these characters. Maybe Academy J, for Junior/Jamie?
• Where are Talita and Tomas? - The siblings from Academy T, I think Talita is the only protagonist who hasn't appeared in a second story. Unless it's a Wendy/Ai situation, where they showed up elsewhere under different names.
• What role will Angela play? - For those who don't remember, that's her whole deal: she can't be remembered. She was originally Tomas' Mommy, got stuck with a pen, and now she's a ghost baby in Academy K who can't be remembered by anyone else. She's referenced in this story, and is probably the character I find most intriguing.
• The other staff - I think the big ones are Eli, Penny, and Kenzō. I'm not sure they need full chapters/backstories or anything like that: their motives are pretty clearly defined at this point. But I still find them intriguing characters, especially Penny: she's arguably the only actual little in this story.

This story is like Lost, but with diapers. I love the sprawling mystery box we're trapped within. Amazing, amazing story Mia!!!