Reconceptualizing incontinence as leaks at randomly timed intervals.

[Enthusi]

This weekend I did an experiment that resulted in me stumbling onto a new way of thinking, that has been revolutionary in my journey towards incontinence.  Even though my bladder control has been abysmal for years, I still can't help but obsess about the status of my bladder and the status of my diaper.  If anything, the obsessing has gotten worse as my control worsened because it's hard impossible for me to predict when I'm going to pee and spring a leak.  Plus whenever I am unusually dry, or I go without a diaper and make it to the toilet, I get all angsty that maybe I've made less progress that I thought.  

Recently I've dabbled with catheters (I've had training in sterile techniques, I know the signs of UTI, I only keep it in for 12 hours at most, and drink plenty of fluids).  I find that whenever I have a catheter in, I'm way more relaxed because I can freely ignore my bladder or continence.  With a catheter there's no need to pay attention to it because you can't control it anyways.  In a way it's much easier to manage because it's a slow constant drip and you can predict how long your diaper will last based on the rate it fills up.  This makes it easy to prevent leaks.  I wondered if there was a way to mimic that feeling without a catheter?  

That's when I had my AHA moment.  In the absence of a catheter, if you give it enough time, the urine output averages it averages out to a constant level.   Whereas a catheter might drip at a steady 1 mL/min, uncathed, I release 50 - 100 mL every 60 minutes.  (I didn't actually measure that, it's the normal range).  

So I did an experiment:  I pretended I inserted a catheter that drains on average 50-100 mL every 30-90 minutes, at random intervals, on an endless loop.  I then put on a Megamax and set a timer for 3 hours.  Similar to how I am with a real catheter, I didn't bother paying attention to my bladder or incontinence or the status of my diaper.  Instead I just relied on the average urine production rate.   

And the result was, IT FELT AMAZING.  So liberating!  There were times when I intentionally peed, times when I tried to hold it as long as possible, times when I tried to release the stream as slow as possible, and times I tried to squeeze as much pee out as possible.  It didn't matter because I was assured it would drain again at some random interval, in perpetuity. 

Looking back, I think it's difficult for ABDLs who previously had decent bladder control to appreciate this "intermittent leak" mentality. We are so used to thinking of peeing as discrete events (bladder fills, bladder pressure, bladder release, repeat).   Whereas when you're incontinent it's mostly bladder fills, bladder leaks.