[Off my Chest] Venting some feelings about my SO, nursing, sex, poly and AB/DL

[Creepymouse]

I don't hang out on DD as much as I once did. When my first wife/mommy left me, I started having less and less interest in AB/DL. I mean, I still 'get off' best to a good AB/DL story, but even when my current partner encourages me, I don't *want* to regress or diaper hardly ever. I also have a lot lower libido than I used to, even though I'm being treated for low testosterone. Anyway, I thought this might be the better place to vent than on Reddit or something.

My partner came out as NB around December, so some of my grammar may be confusing - I'm really trying to honor their identity.

Partner has always been supportive of my AB/DL side - once they realized it wasn't anything related to bio-children. They don't 'get it', but tries to make sure I'm happy and accepted. I still feel intensely judged for some reason and mildly uncomfortable being in diapers around them. Even before my partner came out as NB, they still didn't like 'Mommy' or the like as a term of endearment. We've been together like 7 years and never found a caregiver title we both could be comfortable with. The discomfort/awkwardness is enough that even when I'd otherwise want to, it feels like too much trouble. I think it's because they still have some obvious tells that it's 'gross' - they have a very sensitive nose and sometimes make comments, and just generally don't interact much when I do try. I want to get my little side back, I really do. I used to go 24/7 for weeks at a time, even had a few unintentional wet beds without diapers. Even at work, church, or the doctor. I loved how that felt, but the magic is gone.

Part of what interested me at first about my partner was the joy they took in mothering the bio-kid, and routinely talked about how much they loved breastfeeding kiddo despite the discomfort and difficulty they had. They had/have breasts on the large side (and doesn't have dysphoria about them) which I find quite important in a partner. They know I love nursing and want it almost all of the time, but we can never do more than a minute or two, and it's rarely relaxing for either of us. It really makes me sad sometimes - my ex and I regularly nursed and had a routine in efforts to start lactation (with some limited success). I understand their nips make it uncomfortable after a minute or two, but I guess I feel a little bait-and-switched. It isn't fair to my partner to say that, but it's how I feel sometimes. Yesterday they were complaining of a digestive problem and the symptoms reminded me of the symptoms domperidone is prescribed for - but that its side effect of lactation is common enough that women buy it for that purpose. "That's why I wouldn't want to take it. Without a baby there all of the time, it hurts too much to nurse, pumping doesn't work as well." Early on in our relationship I sorta pictured them as the kind of person who would induce and pump just to send to the milk bank, if they'd give it a chance. Anyway, that comment hit me pretty hard and I couldn't stop thinking about it, and it kept bringing tears to my eyes. Today is better, and I know my partner isn't my 'fantasy vending machine', but it still feels sad.

They are a good partner in life and we have a good relationship, but our sex is pretty boring and infrequent. Since they came out, they're making some esthetic choices that make them less appealing to me, but their confidence has improved. Partner often expresses that I don't show much interest. I try to initiate or at least push through when I have the energy, but sometimes the man downstairs just won't cooperate. They've been showing a lot more interest in me physically since I started going to the gym regularly after my T treatment, but doesn't really care much about what I find engaging.  I need engagement in the bedroom - sexy clothes and whispers and stuff. If they're in pajama pants and a holey tee-shirt, I'm kinda 'out'. They are a "pillow+vibe princess" that likes to space out, but I need engagement, talking, and eye-contact to really enjoy it. Most of the time I'd rather 'take care of it' in the bathroom quickly, it usually feels better. I find it hard to get interested in a physical way without the more traditional femme stuff - lingerie, hair, makeup - things they have become less interested in doing. Their hair is particularly awful IMO, but I keep my mouth shut about it.

We've agreed to try polyamory - I always figured we would eventually, they just had to be the one to make the leap. I have always felt like I can love different people in different ways. I've always known partner is bi and want to pursue a relationship with someone more femme. I identify as straight, but maybe more 'femme-sexual?' I definitely know I'm turned off by masc people. Maybe we'll meet someone that fits both of our lives, maybe we won't. I hope they find someone they're excited about, and I really want to also. I haven't had any luck finding anyone I'm attracted to, but partner has a date after V-day with a girlfriend they've been hanging out with for a while. The one woman I had a good friendship with moved away years ago. We were really close and 'benefits' were on the table, but partner was in a bad place and we weren't open/poly at the time. Even so, she was more of best friend than a romantic interest, it might have been fun though. I'm bad at making real friends - either we click immediately or it's always awkward, usually the latter. I'm feeling a little hopeless about poly romance for me. There is an active littles community in the area with some mommy-types, but none of the ones I've met are interesting, interested, and available. We have talked about getting some babysitter time with a friend who does pro-mommy/sitter work for AB/DLs.

Blah blah blah. I just wanted to get this out and maybe see what others have to say. I'm sure I sound selfish - I certainly feel selfish, having a kind and loving partner who supports me but whinging about not having everything I want.  lol  We're okay, really. We're both excited about going out dancing tomorrow. But I miss my ex a lot sometimes - there were some shitty awful things that happened and I made a lot of mistakes, but I don't think my little side has ever really recovered from that loss.

[newpad101]

It sounds like you're going through a lot. Sorry to hear that. From what you wrote, what you wish you still had most is your old partner/caretaker that way you could continue living out your AB side. Without that, even your desire for DL stuff is impacted. I can see how that would be really depressing given that we as AB/DL have an innate desire that never truly goes away to wear and enjoy the lifestyle. I've only just started actually exploring the lifestyle after 20 years of just reading about and looking at videos of it. I'm so glad I went more in. This is me, and I am who I am.

[Elfy]

Well done for getting all your thoughts and emotions out there/here. It's difficult to open up sometimes. I do have some thoughts and I don't want to insult anyone or anything so I'll preface my post with an apology in advance if I offend anyone, it's not intentional.

First things first... Have you considered you might be suffering from depression? You mentioned a drop in your libido and that sometimes things don't quite work properly. Low sex drive is a common symptom of depression and with other things going on in your life it's something I would definitely think about. A lot of your post talks about things you miss about your previous partner... How long has it been since you broke up? I ask because there are some things you say that make it sound like you're not "over" the last relationship.

Secondly, I think it's great that you are being supportive of your partner being non-binary... but it seems fair to say that this has affected the relationship. How is life with them generally? How is it compared to how it was before? Apart from the obvious are you two still doing things together, going on dates and that sort of thing? Obviously coming out as non-binary doesn't change who your partner is but with such upheavals it's easy to become a little disconnected from each other. They're finding out all sorts about who they are and what they like and coupled to the attachment you have for a past relationship it almost feels like you're both pulling in opposite directions at the moment. I think this is why your interest in ABDL things might have dropped. You had a partner who was clearly very good with this stuff and now you have one that... isn't. Might it be fair to suggest part of the reason why you don't engage as much is because it's simply not as good as it was with previous partner?

I'm not blaming your partner here for anything. If they're not into then they're not into it but it's clear you're very conscious of their lack of enthusiasm and it contrasts a lot with your previous partner and sours the whole thing. I don't really have much advice here. You can't really force someone to like something and, assuming you've been together a while at this point, it's not likely she'll wake up one day having done a 180.

Finally... The polyamory.

I say this next bit as someone in a polyamory relationship (there are four of us in it). You guys are NOT in a good place to be opening things up like that. Polyamory isn't something you can just do because you aren't 100% happy with your current relationship. It's like building a house on quicksand. From the way you've written it seems like neither yourself nor your partner are happy about things and the answer you've both come to is that you can get the things you want outside the relationship. It doesn't seem like a healthy foundation at all.

Now, not all polyamory relationships are the same, of course. I can only speak from my own experience but in our case it was a positive thing. Me and my wife love each other a lot and decided we had enough love for more people. She had a very close friend she had a crush on and I was the same. We've always been pretty open about things so it was actually relatively easy for us to do. To me it sounds like the idea for opening things up in your relationship is coming more from a negative point of view. That neither of you are getting everything you need and so want to look elsewhere. I might be speaking out of my ass here but, in my opinion, that's where polyamory fails. As someone with some experience though, if you want any advice or have questions about polyamory feel free to send me a message.

I want to put a asterisk on all that I said there and say that I obviously don't know everything about your relationship with your partner and that maybe you can indeed both thrive in a polyamorous one. I've got a rather negative impression of the relationship because the post is clearly about thnigs that aren't working right but if aside from all that things are going well for you both then you can probably ignore the previous couple of paragraphs!