There are Times........

[~Brian~]

Hello Everyone:

As the title of this post indicates, I wish there were some things that we could change about the world around us! there are times that I wish that I wouldn't have to deal with some of the pain that I'm dealing with! I end up dealing with pain all the time 'cause my legs either hurt or my allergies are killing me, just or I just don't have the energy to get up and move. I know I have to move, and I will do it later on, but it is a pain in the neck!

Most of this week I have been down because of the fact that I've been dealing with either the snowfall, the weather being cold, or me not feeling well. For the last week i've been battling my allergies on and off, and it constantly wants to make my eyes water burn or be uncomfortable. all the lights in my apartment are too damn bright, they want us to have the brightest lights so we can see at night! These lights are so bright, that anybody that didn't have any vision at all, but could see changes in light, would be able to see the lights on or off. I contend that these lights are way too bright, they cause my eyes to burn in water, and they're not any good. When you wanna sleep, you don't want bright light, you want calm relaxing light, and with all the things that we use in today's society that throw light, your eyes need to rest.

I've also been dealing with pain in my hips and my legs. I know that I need to move to make these things be less of an issue, but it just seems like I'm pumping myself full of Medicine, so that I can function, and while it is OK for me to do this, I wonder if I'm overdoing it. I wish that I could do some of the things I used to do 10 years ago, and I wish that I would be able to just do my best. and I do it, And one of the things I wanna do is lose weight, but I don't wanna do it the wrong way, and I don't wanna end up not being able to eat some of my favorite foods. Some of the things that have been happening to me lately just make me feel like it sucks it sucks! I can't get enough sleep, or my eyes just burned so I don't have any energy, and I'm not even sure! if the doctor wants to see me, then I will go to see him, but I'm just feeling like I'm tired, and I'm not sure why, these weather changes are wreaking havoc on me, I miss my job, I miss the people that I work with, and even if I can call them and I can talk to them, or I can email them or I can help them, there's a reason why I do I do what I do when I go out every day.

My thrift store used to be open three days a week. because of the pandemic back in 2020, we ended up doing 1 sale in that year, and then we shut down for two years straight. It means that we didn't have any way to stay open except for under very very very strict circumstances, and I understand the reason why we have to do the COVID protocols, but I hope to heck that some day we'll be able to return to a time when we can be able to do what we used to do. Because of what happened in the past, we will never be able to return to a life before COVID, before we had any of restrictions at all, before we had everybody scaring the live in daylights out of everyone because of what COVID does, and still we have COVID around, but you have to be careful. I get sick and tired of feeling like I'm just rundown and I don't have any energy. Sometimes I wish I could go to a nice place, where I can just relax and draw myself and have fun with friends, laugh and have fun and enjoy and joke around, and be in a position where people will people will be around.

I've also been having strange dreams that emanate from me being little. by this I mean that my brother used to go to 1 care facility, and that was what they call a training school. anyone that was disabled severely would be going to a place like this, and my brother was one of the candidates that went there. he was in the pediatric wing, and that was really really nice, airy, warm, inviting, and everything and everything else. even the people that were taking care of my brother were awesome. They took care of his needs, and they tried real hard to make sure that he was happy. I missed him a lot when he was in that facility, but I visited him a couple of times.

That part of the dream goes good: But my problem is is I have these stupid dreams where I go for a walk with my dad which I actually did, and he took me to different places in the facility, walking up and down hallways. these hallways contained individuals that were in their rooms, that were locked down, or for whatever reason unable to be walking around, they were locked in near rooms, it was dark, it was dank, it stunk, and most of these places had had these windows that were no bigger than large rectangles with these diamonds in the doors, which I have been told The diamonds were wires that would hurt you if you tried to break the glass. long story short, I end up having these stupid dreams where I end up walking with my dad, visiting my brother, having an awesome time, and then we take a walk to the other end of the facility, and all these monsters and weird things happen. because of the things that happened in my life I've been able to repress a lot of that stuff and be able to deal with it, but a lot of times the stuff comes flying back in my head, and brings back bad memories of when I was in rehab facilities myself, because I was pulled away from my school, my friends, my social life, even if it wasn't much, and I was whisk away to someplace that sounded like club med, they had this awesome gym, they had a Olympic sized swimming pool, that was supposed to help me with my therapy and my schooling and everything else, To worry about anything:

that's Bull poopie!  while the place did have a nice pool, And while the place did have a nice gym, and they had really nice people that I met, once the honeymoon was over, and my parents were gone, weird things begin to happen, I wouldn't be able to sleep good at night, I ended up arguing with many people, because they didn't care about me or what I felt like, they forced fed me, and they caused all this negative things to happen. And then they would say that because they were the adults and we were the kids we had to do everything they said, the way they wanted it done, when they wanted it done, or we would be punished. some of the punishments weren't even fit to be done to a dog! I remember that they wanted me to open the door, they wanted me to do whatever they wanted to, and the last time I did that, all I was subjected to was the fire alarm treatment common where they'd stick me under a fire alarm and ring it because they knew I was afraid of it.

Then of course there's a time when I didn't I didn't wanna eat the food they prepared. my dad had said that there were certain foods that I didn't eat, and they forced me to eat those types of foods. they were telling my dad that I wouldn't eat, And then they were telling me they were force feeding me because they were afraid I was going to end up not eating enough. My dad asked them what that I was being fed, and they told them, and my dad told them that I didn't eat any of the things that they provided, because that wasn't what I usually ate. They had to hear my dad tell them that I ate certain foods like cereal, bananas, apples, toast, and other things, but I wouldn't eat fried eggs and other types of things that they would feed us. it seemed like they would feed us the same things every day, and we wouldn't have a choice. my dad insisted that I be given a choice, and I told him that they were scaring the heck out of me, and he asked and he asked me why and how, And I told him that I'm afraid of the fire alarm now because they keep on sticking me under it.

And then there were times when I was in bed, and they wouldn't come get me to take me to the bathroom, I wet my bed, and they would punish me, then they would diaper me, and then they would make fun of me, or they try to hurt me, like for example that time when I didn't want to eat what they gave me that day, they said go to my room, so when I decided to do that, I backed away from the table and they says where are you going: I told him I was going to my room, and they didn't like the way I was doing it, so they grabbed onto my chair wound me up to the other end of the hallway, and pushed me as hard as they could toward a whole bank of windows and a table, And then I end up turning left awful hard going into my room slamming the door And then I start yelling at them. because of this and because of me talking to my dad and some of the people that ran the facility, I got what I wanted. I told them that I was lied to, and this was not clubbed med, it's not fun to be here, I'm here and I feel like a prisoner, and I want some respect. Told them that I wanted a shower every day, radio in my room, and to stop treating me like I didn't have any rights!

i've posted about this before, but it's really really heart wrenching when I have a friend for example that went through some bad times, he's OK now, but every time I think of what happened to him, these particular memories come flying back in my head! memories that I thought were long dead, memories that should be locked away in my head, and things that make me what I am today! I am a diaper lover and I'm incontinent. I am that way because I like diapers, I think it was partially because I like the diaper and the way it smells and the way it feels, and the fact that you can release and not worry about it, but then when you're in a facility and they diaper you and they keep you in a wheelchair, and they make sure that you are literally incontinent and immobile, even when they want you to be, it is very hard to have good memories of a place like this.

Thank God I knew about 5 or 6 people that I trusted! they help me get through this hell, And thank God the place I was at doesn't exist in the way it exists any more. no child should have to go through the **** I had to go through, and I think some of these nightmares are the result of my troubles that he had, which he's working through. It truly hard when you feel like the world around you doesn't care about what you're dealing with, and I know that people here on DD do do care, So that's not the issue, But these ridiculous frightening and recurring dreams our dreams I thought were long dead. Apparently they are not, because they bring back the trauma and bad things that happen to me when I was a child! I told my parents that I never ever ever wanted to go to a facility like this again! the reason I think that is because most of these facilities are just there because there are people that need it, and some of the people that take care of people like this forget that they're supposed to be kind, that they're supposed to be helpful, and they're supposed to give a care about who the heck they're taking care of. facilities like that are only out there to make money, and I swear to God sometimes I think that facilities don't care about the person they're taking care of, all they want is the person's money And to be able to make them as immobile as possible, so they can impose whatever rules they want on you.

Sure I've had good dreams, but when you have good dreams and you know how dreams go: dreams are based on what you end up taking in in your head in your life and every it happens around you. Then what happens is your brain ends up mixing up all these signals and images and things like that, so it's like a mixmaster. you have a dream that sounds good, and then you have something ridiculous, like my dad saying OK now I'm gonna run the car off of Cliff, or I'm gonna do something that's even more ridiculous! whatever you end up with pieces of your life weave together, and you have the strangest stupidest dreams alive! that's what it feels like to me: my head is like a mixmaster, and I wish it would stop mixing!

I'm so glad that I have friends here! I'm so glad that most of you understand what it feels like to go through what I am going through! I thought these stupid dreams and stupid things that happen to me when I was young were long dead. I like to say that yes I learned a lot while I was in rehab, But there was a lot of things that I shouldn't have had to face, and I did it anyway, and I survived, because I was a hardened individual, just like you would be a hardened individual if you had to do time in a prison: that's what it felt like to me. when you're that young you are expected to do certain things and you're supposed to be able to mind your parents and respect adults and trust adults, but in this case, in that facility, I trusted no one and was on the defensive because no one cared. when I talked to the director, I told her that comment, and she goes why would you have to be on the defensive?

I told her that I was lied to as I said before, I was misled to believe that this place was good for me. I told her that while they were able to help me do certain things, the way they did things was ridiculous. another example of how ridiculous it was. I was in a cast, and that was part of my pediatric rehab. They did this to be able to do something with my leg so that it were they were stronger, and I'm not sure why. it comes to pass, that they want to take the cast off: So if anyone is aware of how they take a cast off, they use a saw, attached to a vacuum cleaner hose, which has a vacuum cleaner bag to take care of all the plaster. basically this thing is a vacuum cleaner hose attached to a saw that has a Round blade similar to a grinder. They start cutting with this thing, and it is supposed to tickle, and they tell you that it's not gonna hurt you! being six years old, and having them having to cut your cast off, it does tickle for a few moments until they end up cutting through the cast and they're standing there with this blade, which isn't supposed to cut you, and then they cut through your entire cast and they keep on going at your skin. on several occasions I've got red marks because of this, And I didn't like it. I was afraid of it. So I told them I was afraid of it I was screaming bloody murder, told him to stop I was hurting I didn't like it, So the idiots tied me down, And then completed the operation be screaming bloody murder at the top of my lungs! I know they had to cut my cast off, but when they tell you it's not supposed to hurt, and you know it hurts and you have cuts on your legs because of how they're using that thing, it does kick back and it does leave marks!

When I was older, I understood what was going on, and I didn't worry, because I wasn't restrained like I was when I was a kid. I guess those type of memories will always be with me, but I wish they would just turn off every once in awhile, because the bad memories cause me to think of things I shouldn't have to think about, or worry about. I'm 50 years old now, so these things happened 44 years ago or more, and I shouldn't have these ridiculous memories but I do! I guess I'll never have never have those leave, but at least I can keep them in check, But it's kinda hard when a friend of yours is going through hell, and you remember your own!

I've talked to that friend and he's made a decision, I guess he may decide to make changes where he's living or how he's living. I don't blame him for making changes, if he feels that they're appropriate, but I wish the heck that my bad dreams would just go away, and I could go to that special island where I wouldn't have to worry anymore, where people got along, or where people cared about people around you, but this whole world, it's so screwed up, and it's one person against the other, one party against the other, and one person's belief versus the other, Rather than all for one and one for all, And to make the world better!

I might be rambling, but does this make any sense? I don't know, but I've been feeling like this for like 4 nights, and my eyes are burning like they're on fire, and I wish I didn't have to worry about that anymore!

Brian