The Summer I Wanted To Stay In A Boring Motel Room Chapter 14

[spark]

18 hours ago, Ishigreensa said:

Thank you for your encouragement.  Actually, I had a hard time telling stories before when I used the traditional third person.  You might find a couple of stories on here by me from nearly two years ago or earlier.  One comment I got, was that the characters didn't feel alive.  So I am trying to write as if I am the character, from first person, and it seems to be working better.

I have a much easier time writing in the first person.  I wrote My New Mommy in first person (the last chapters are done- and I swear to GOD, I'll release them.  I just need to edit- which is a PITA sometimes).  I tried to write that same story for several years, and it never worked.   Ironically, it was when I changed the name of the CG (which is based on a real person to a version that sounded right.

I did a 3rd person story, but it is usually in 3rd person limited and focused on the main character

All of my main characters are usually based on me, and I sure hope that you that's not true with you.  The characters that you have written are the ultimate survivors.  You just want to hug them.   

BTW- nice job giving Margaret a motive.  I'm not surprised

[Kahlez]

So finally done with some rough working days.

First i now can understand Margaret from personal experience being the oldest child can actually give you that feeling, even when its not true. So even if she was mean i guess at least i can give her a pass on that one, since she got her punishment. I had a theory she was just jealous for some reason, one idea was maybe she liked being diapered herself but was too embarrassed to admit it.

Secondly Valana is really in a bad position abuse and alcohol at a young age that will give her surely a lot of trouble especially her kidney. I heard know someone who got alcohol as a 3 to 5 year old and it didn't turned out to be a good thing...

And there is the mother i wasn't sure about her being part of the problem or another victim but clearly she just needs helps as well as those kids.

So the parts are coming together now and to be fair most of them are not really a surprise anymore but the alcohol definitive was.

12 hours ago, Ishigreensa said:

“Yeah, she peed her pants when we first me,” Lacey told him.

  I assume "first met" just friendly grammar service i noticed xD

[Ishigreensa]

Hopefully, I caught all the errors in chapter eight and reposted it in an edit.  There were some left out words here and there and so it kind of cut the fluidity of the story.  Hopefully, it reads more smoothly now.  I am working on Chapter 9 now.

 

On 1/25/2023 at 2:07 PM, spark said:

nice job giving Margaret a motive.  I'm not surprised

Well, she is a kid, not a moustache twirling villain, so of course, I knew she needed a motive to be so mean. But thank you for your support as always.  I was never treated this badly as a kid, and I'm not a girl, so, no, this story isn't exactly related to anything that happened to me, though it is related to stuff I've been exposed to.  I just think it is more powerful to tell a story from the person's perspective that survived it, than someone that was a witness or just heard about something as was more my case.

 

19 hours ago, Kahlez said:

So finally done with some rough working days.

First i now can understand Margaret from personal experience being the oldest child can actually give you that feeling, even when its not true. So even if she was mean i guess at least i can give her a pass on that one, since she got her punishment. I had a theory she was just jealous for some reason, one idea was maybe she liked being diapered herself but was too embarrassed to admit it.

Secondly Valana is really in a bad position abuse and alcohol at a young age that will give her surely a lot of trouble especially her kidney. I heard know someone who got alcohol as a 3 to 5 year old and it didn't turned out to be a good thing...

And there is the mother i wasn't sure about her being part of the problem or another victim but clearly she just needs helps as well as those kids.

So the parts are coming together now and to be fair most of them are not really a surprise anymore but the alcohol definitive was.

  I assume "first met" just friendly grammar service i noticed xD

Yeah, I was struggling on just where mom was in this mess.  I am still not sure, so there might still be surprises, but she was definitely mistreated though.
I know alcohol and drugs can be very bad, again not from personal experience, but from a witness and observer's experience.

[Kahlez]

2 hours ago, Ishigreensa said:

Yeah, I was struggling on just where mom was in this mess.  I am still not sure, so there might still be surprises, but she was definitely mistreated though

Yeah I guess there is a lot of room to play around sometimes victims liker her start to protect themselves at the cost of their kids or at least to a certain degree.

[Ishigreensa]

Chapter 9

Wishy Washy Margaret

 

We were at the kitchen table because even though Margaret brought down some dolls and stuffed animals for little Lacey, Lacey was sensitive to the fact that these were Jessica’s things, and she didn’t want to play with them without Jessica’s explicit approval. So, instead, Margaret got some coloring books and crayons that she showed her mom, and got her mom to agree that they were hers, and we all started coloring for a while.

It must have been about three in the afternoon, and though I did skip through it, we did have some lunch on the way home from the doctor’s earlier. But at around three, the front door opened, and I jumped.

“Well?” Jason came in with Jessica and Mike. “How are my little cousins?” he asked. “And are you okay?” he walked over and patted Margaret on the shoulder.

“Yeah, I’m okay,” Margaret frowned. “I’m not the one that had to see a doctor.”

“No, but you are the one that was upset that you were afraid that you were not cared about,” Mike reminded her. “Did you pee your pants, Margaret.”

She looked down.

“Um…, Jason?” I tried to get their attention off of her.

“Yes, sweetheart.”

“It’s embarrassing to admit you pee your pants. I don’t think she only wanted to know what Uncle Scott and Aunt Susan will do because she is afraid they don’t like her anymore. You or Mike asking her like that, it’s… it’s sort of hurtful.”

Jason frowned and squatted down so he was face level with Margaret. “I’m sorry, sis. I wasn’t trying to be mean. I was just trying to pay attention to you so you wouldn’t think your brothers don’t care.”

“Yeah,” said Mike. “If you wet your pants, but you don’t want to tell us, then that’s okay. I think I get it.”

Margaret was just blushing and looking down.

 

“My toys!” Jessica had seen the dolls and stuffed animals in the living room. “Who went into my bedroom?”

“I did,” Margaret mumbled. “It’s just Lacey just got back from the clinic, and I didn’t want her to be bored, so I went and got your toys, but she didn’t even play with them.”

“You didn’t give me permission,” Lacey told Jessica. “I would never touch your things without you saying it’s okay.”

Margaret smiled. “But I had to try. You wouldn’t want Lacey to be bored, would you?”

Jessica shook her head and frowned. “No. I forgot she didn’t bring any of her own toys. Lacey, from no on, you can come in my room and get anything that is not my favorite or that can get used up like the beads, okay?”

Lacey nodded.

“And you, too, Valana.”

I smiled and nodded though I had not intention of doing that. I’d just wait for my little cousin. Besides, I’m older and really shouldn’t be playing with dolls and stuffed animals anymore.

“So?” Jason turned to Aunt Susan when he saw her again. “Are the cousins okay?”

“Jason, I don’t want to talk about that stuff in front of Jessica or Mike.”

“Oh, okay.”

 

That stuff. I wasn’t sure if that stuff was just the idea I needed surgery, or if she was afraid of the other stuff behind me needing surgery, as far as I had come to understand it.

“If her back hurts, then just give her some of this. It will help her pains, whatever they are.”

“She should see a doctor.”

“Oh, right! Do you want to take her to see a doctor? Do you know what they will do if you take her in like this?”

I shivered and somehow blocked out the answer to that question. I wasn’t sure what would happen, but if it was worse than how my back originally got hurt, then I didn’t want to know. I didn’t want to see a doctor. I reached for the glass of amber liquid that he had poured for me, and I started drinking it down.

 

Jason was watching us now, and it was nearing six, so Aunt Susan disappeared, upstairs, I think, and I didn’t see her for awhile. I started to pee my pants, but I knew it would be a while before I finished, so I just kept coloring.”

“Margaret,” Jason asked calmly. “How about you and I start dinner for mom?”

She smiled and stood up immediately. “Good idea. What do you want me to do?”

“Can you get the macaroni ready? I have to peel some potatoes for mashed potatoes, and you can start the macaroni and cheese, and maybe when mom gets back down here at seven, she’ll just have to fry the hamburger.”

“Okay.”

I continued coloring and Lacey went off to the living room to play with Lacey.

 

Uncle Scott came into the house at around 6:30, and he saw his kids getting dinner started, and me coloring, and the little girls playing in the living room.

“Where’s your mom?” he asked Mike was sitting at the table with me, watching me color.

“I think she’s upstairs, having a private phone call or something.”

“Oh, okay.”

He walked over to me, and patted my shoulder gently and smelled my hair. Was he checking if I peed my pants? I shivered a little bit.

“Honey, what is it?” Uncle asked seeming as if he didn’t realize that that was one way to check if I peed or not.

I looked up at him, still shaking a little bit. “You not mad?”

“Mad about what, sweetheart?”

“You smelled it. You know I’m wetting my pants, right?”

He reached down and picked me up and hugged me. “Honey, no one is mad at you for accidents. It’s okay.”

I nodded.

Margaret came into the kitchen looking down, and I could tell she wished that her dad would pick her up. “Margaret went with Lacey and me to the Clinic.”

“She did?” Uncle Scott was a little bit surprised. “Did you bug your mom to come?” he turned on her.

“It’s not like that, Uncle Scott. Please, I’m not telling on her. Aunt Susan decided it on her own because Margaret is….”

Margaret cut me off. “Daddy? Do you love me?” she asked.

Uncle Scott gently put me down, and he walked over to her and kneeling down so he could look her in the eye, he asked. “What kind of question is that, sweetheart? Of course I do.”

“Well, you been mad at me every since we picked them up, and you never even put me in your lap anymore, but you are always picking Valana up and holding Lacey, and you put Jessica in your lap sometimes. I was just wondering….”

He suddenly picked Margaret up and kissed her on the cheek, but as he did, her dress accidentally moved a little and though she had panties on over her diaper, you could still tell that she was wearing one. He felt it as he put her in his arms.

“Honey?” he asked a little surprise in his voice. “Are you wearing a diaper?”

I spoke up afraid he’d be mad at her. “Aunt Susan put it on her.”

He looked at me, and said “shush, honey. This is between Margaret and Uncle Scott, okay? If you are worried about hitting, I’m not hitting her, just asking her to explain, and she doesn’t need your help, sweetheart.”

I looked down. At least he was nice about the way he said that.

“I… I peed on mom earlier,” Margaret told him blushing with teary eyes.

“And why would you do that, sweetheart?”

“Well…, like I said, you always pick up Valana, you hold Lacey and Jessica, and you always treat the boys like they are special, and I just….” she started to shake a little bit and sob. “And mom…, she was always mad at me, and she babied the cousins every time they wet, and I…. I felt like if I peed my pants, I’d just get in trouble or scolded or just make you mad, and I felt like, it got so bad, I didn’t care if I got in trouble, it would get mom to look at me, and to… I don’t know what… but I wanted her to know I was here, and so I… I got picked up when I asked her if she loved me, and the I … I really didn’t intend on it at first because it was scary, but somehow, I just did it, and I peed my pants. Then mommy talked to me, and she said she loved me, and she put me in a diaper to prove she would treat me like… special… like Lacey if that is what I want.” And then she looked down and still had a blushed face and tears.

He rocked her a bit and swayed as he held her. “So you peed your pants on purpose because you were jealous?”

Margaret nodded.

“Is that why you were giving your cousins such a hard time? You were jealous?”

Margaret nodded.

“You’ve just peed your pants a little bit ago, haven’t you, baby?”

She nodded again.

“I’ll get mommy to clean you up.”

“But… you helped Lacey clean up, and you even helped Valana. Is it so bad to help your daughter?”

He smiled. “Honey, I just thought being thirteen years old, you’d rather your mom did that.”

She shook her head. “I want to know if daddy loves me, too. But if you don’t, then mom can do it.”

He shook his head. “Well, if you’re putting it that way, then I’ll take you upstairs. Come on, Valana, you need changed, too, sweetheart.”

I followed Uncle Scott carrying Margaret right up to her bedroom first. He sat on her bed putting her in his lap, and rubbing her back a moment, he gave her the choice.

“You are my little child,” he told her. “Valana needs help, too, but you are my baby. Valana is my niece, so you come first, baby. Now, do you want me to change Valana first so she doesn’t have to see you getting changed, or do you want me to change you first so you know you come first, honey?”

I could see Margaret thinking about it, and it seemed to take a few minutes for her to make up her mind. Of course, it was embarrassing to wet yourself at all, but then have someone see you changed by a parent at thirteen, of course, that would be humiliating, but it seemed she was weighing that against being treated like she was first.

“Alright, honey,” Uncle Scott finally decided for her. “Since you are having a hard time deciding, then I think I better change you first. You need to know you do come first. When I say you, I mean your mom, your brothers, your sister, and you. Valana is important, but you are my child.”

Margaret nodded, and I nodded. That made perfect sense to me. I was hoping he wouldn’t change me yet anyway because I wasn’t sure I was done wetting my pants.

He patted my bottom, and whispered to me. “Why don’t you go to your sleeping area, and I’ll be there as soon as I’m done with Margaret.”

I smiled and nodded gladly giving Margaret some privacy with her daddy.

When I was going to Jason and Mike’s room, I noticed the door partly open to Aunt and Uncle’s room and I crept over and listened a bit. I knew aunt was going to talk to my dad or mom, so I wanted to know if she was, and if she was telling them something I didn’t already know.

“Carl, I’m telling you, she’s scared to let you take her, but you need to get her to the doctor. There is a reason she is scared to let you take her, and I found out from the girls, the mom wouldn’t let you take them because Valana’s abuse started after Lacey’s dad took Valana to see a doctor, and the doctor didn’t find something out right away. He started thinking she did it on purpose and started hitting her. If Elizabeth won’t let you take her to see a doctor, it means she wets herself whether you know it or not, and hides it, and is scared you found out and you want to confirm what it is, but if the doctor finds nothing, then what will you do if she’s doing it on purpose?”

“….”

“I know, Carl. But trust me. I took Valana to the doctor, and she is going to need surgery. One kidney is already gone, and the other one is on its way out.”

“….”

“I know, Carl. But you know by now what I was thinking of Elizabeth, and I thought since I had them the whole summer, I’d try to potty train them, and as a first step, I put them back in diapers full time for a while, and one day, I was giving them a bath… well, actually, I gave them a bath because I had suspicions. You know that Lacey has a few bruises that are old, and that Valana’s body is covered on her backside in bruises, right?”

“….”

“Well, I think you should have noticed. You did hit that man that attacked Elizabeth and Valana that day.”

“….”

“Yes, well, I know it’s not normal to have to look at a ten year old’s body, but that was not a normal situation. You really should have checked the girls more carefully and their mother at that time. But that is beside the point. Take Elizabeth To See A Doctor.”

“….”

“Okay. I should get going, too. I do love you, and I did think you should at least know that we took Valana, and we are going to take her back to the doctor at least twice, and if they find a kidney for her, we will have her put in surgery for you.”

I hurried off to my room because I could feel the call coming to an end, and didn’t want to get caught spying. So, I had one kidney that wasn’t even working? And the other one was starting to fail me? I am not sure exactly what that means, but it sounds like something really bad especially the way aunt was so worried the way she was talking to dad about it, and the way she didn’t even ask him permission to take me, but just told him she was taking me.

I waited in the room, and I felt pain in my stomach, so I pushed hard and suddenly started to flood my diaper so much that it didn’t have time to absorb anything, and pee went down my legs and make a little bit of a puddle on the floor. I stood there a moment in my puddle, a little nervous.

 

“Will you look at what…,” but before my daydream torture could take hold, the bedroom door opened, and Uncle Scott, I could not have been happier for someone to interrupt than that moment, when I saw him look down at my puddle and then back up at my face with a smile, and right next to him, Margaret saw me. She blushed but instead of being mean, she ran over and hugged me.

Margaret helped Uncle Scott with getting me out of my wet clothes, and while they had my bottom bare, Aunt Susan looked in on us, and she smiled. “You helping your cousin this time?” she asked Margaret.

Margaret blushed and smiled. “She couldn’t help it. She peed over there,” and she pointed at the puddle I made by the dresser.

I was soon dressed into a pair of pink sweats over my diaper, and then Uncle Scott picked Margaret up, and carried her patting her on the bottom, and she seemed to enjoy it, all the way down to the dining room where Uncle let her down, and Aunt went over to already cooked mac and cheese and mashed potatoes.

“Oh, wow, thank you,” Jason.

“Margaret helped, but she saw dad come in, and so he had a talk with her, and found her wetting her diaper again, so he took them to change.”

Aunt Susan went over and kissed Margaret on the head saying “Thank you, sweetheart,” to which Margaret was smiling ear to ear. It seemed that Margaret was finally getting the attention that she desired and honestly, as your own family should give you.

“I’ll get right on the burgers,” Aunt Susan told everyone. “I’m so sorry I was running late, but I had some important stuff to talk with Uncle Carl about.”

“Daddy?” Lacey asked.

“Yes, honey.”

“I wanted to say hi.”

“I know, baby, but we were talking about stuff that you didn’t need to hear.”

“About my sister’s scary potty problems?”

“You are a clever little one, aren’t you?” Susan asked her.

Lacey shrugged. “I lived with her a long time, and I can tell you worried in the car on her, and you said she got poisoned, so um….” She was trying to tell Aunt Susan that it wasn’t hard to figure out what was important to talk to dad about.

I didn’t say the part I heard because I wasn’t supposed to even know about it, and because if mom really was still peeing her pants and needed to see a doctor for that, it would just scare Lacey more.

 

Uncle Scott prayed for dinner, and this time, he prayed that God look over our family, that all the children at the table feel his love and the love of those that care about them, and he prayed that I recovered from my injuries and that Lacey would have peace, and know that she was safe, and the Margaret, especially, knew she was truly loved, and he prayed for my mom: “...And dear God, please watch over my sister-in-law, and help her see reason and to do what is best for her health in the interest of her children.” And then we ate.

 

There were no accidents at the table that night. I had already been just changed, and because dinner was a little later, and Lacey’s body was used to a certain schedule, she easily went before dinner was even on the table. Over all, the dinner table was a happy one as Aunt and Uncle kept away from talking about the subject of my health and our mother’s possible health.

 

Margaret continued to pee her pants for a couple of days, but by Friday evening, she got bored of it, and it started to get red and itching on her as I knew it would from my own experience, and she called it off.

“Mommy, I want my panties back,” she said on Saturday morning. “But please still love me like this week?”

Aunt Susan hugged her, and while changing her wet diaper for a pair of panties in front of the room, she nodded. “Of course, honey. You can be my big girl and still have as much love as you get as a little girl.”

Margaret hugged her mom. She had gotten where she didn’t even care that mom changed her in front of Jason or Mike, which I thought was a little weird at first. I only agreed to let Jason see or change me if Aunt and Uncle were too busy to do it, which wasn’t that often. But it seemed Margaret wanted everyone to see her as a little girl for a couple of days, and surprisingly, neither Mike or Jason made fun of her.

Even though I hated to have Jason and Mike see me get changed, Susan decided that I was to be changed in the living room along with Lacey and Margaret on this Saturday because there was a lot to do, and she just felt like she wanted to get that chore done with all at once. Mike helped with Margaret, but after that, the boys were sent to go help their dad while Lacey and I was changed.

“This must be the most loving family on Earth,” I thought to myself that Saturday morning as Mike even handed mom the pair of panties for his sister and patted her back as though she was his little sister, even though she was a bit older than him. It was like, he didn’t care about her age, only about that she was his sister, and even if he said he hated her and told everyone else she was a brat, he really loved her.

The thing that seemed to not be able to wait for us all to be changed, was that Uncle was announcing our first camping trip this summer and he had to get our attention so we would know what to make a list of for what we needed, so he could buy it. So, while Aunt started to change Lacey, before getting to me, Margaret and my other cousins ran up to their rooms to go through their stuff to see what they needed. Uncle Scott meanwhile, was in the garage checking what he needed out there.

“Well, you girls are going to need a lot of stuff,” Aunt Susan told us. “We hadn’t thought to have your mom and dad get your camping gear ready, so we’ll need to get you a whole camping set.”

“You make it sound like we need a lot,” Lacey told her.

“Well, you do, sweetheart. You need your own water canteen, your own mess kits for eating off of, your own sleeping bag and some warm pajamas because nature is typically cooler than a house, and you’ll need your own camping towels, and other stuff.”

“We could just use Margaret’s and Jessica’s old stuff,” I offered. “I mean, we might never really use it again after this year anyway.”

“Nonsense,” Aunt Susan said as she now reached for me to get my wet diaper off of me. “You kids are just as important as the other people in this family, and you’ll get your own stuff. Besides, this is probably the only way your mom will let us spend money on you. I got you swimsuits because your mom couldn’t stop me, and we’ll get you camping gear because your mom can’t stop me.”

I looked down. “But I might wet in the sleeping bag?”

“So?” she said to me. “It’s yours, so no one will care, sweetheart. And we’ll try to fix something up so you don’t get it all wet when you pee heavily. I’m sure there is something we can do to help that.”

I nodded. “But… but… if Uncle Scott buys me stuff and then I ruin it…,”

“But nothing,” Aunt Susan put a finger on my lips. “Just like your daddy wants to buy you stuff, and he will not ever get mad if something happens and it gets broken or ruined, your uncle and I want to get you nice stuff, and we are not going to blame you if something happens and it gets broken or ruined. Your uncle and I know that you peeing in your sleep or in your pants is not your fault, baby.”

She was now dressing me into a pair of panties over my diaper, and then putting a dress on me. Lacey already had a dress on. The dresses were not our nicest ones, and I think she expected us to play in them, but honestly, I didn’t really wear a dress except to special occasions these days, so I wasn’t really feeling like playing in it.

Once I was dressed, she brought me to Margaret’s room, and Lacey was carried there. She knocked, and Margaret opened her door.

“It’s been so long since I had to get all the camping stuff for one of you, that I forgot everything a child needs, so do you mind if we snoop in your stuff to make sure the girls get their camping lists complete?” Aunt Susan asked Margaret.

“Oh, sure, you can help me look for my stuff, actually. I have it all around here and there because, sometimes, I used parts of my camping stuff for different things, and honestly, I might have lost a couple of things.”

Susan smiled. “Well, if you did, we’ll compare your stuff to your brothers’ later, and see what you kids are missing. Even Jason loses one thing or another year to year.”

“Remember?” Margaret suggested to Aunt Susan. “When Jessica was like six, you used to put that bubble plastic stuff on the bottom of her sleeping bag at night, and then you slipped another blanket in there over that, so she was warm, and the pee only went on the one blanket and on the plastic, and then you turned it inside out and hung it in the sun to dry all day when we were camping so it would be okay to use the next night, and sometimes, you even had an extra blanket or two in case the one blanket didn’t dry fast enough.”

“Oh, yes, thank you for reminding me. I suppose we should get that for both your cousins.”

Margaret nodded. “And maybe it wouldn’t be a bad idea to get for all us girls?”

“Honey, I thought you were done wearing diapers.”

“I am. But out there camping, with wild animals and stuff around and everything, I think I’d rather wet the bed than get up in the night.”

“Honey, if you do that, I’m putting you in a diaper at night while we are camping.”

“Okay.”

Well, I guess Margaret is going to be diapered when she sleeps while camping then. She seemed to be all over the place on whether she wanted to wet her pants or not. Maybe she just didn’t know what she wanted, but there was something she wanted.

Aunt Susan and Margaret had helped us make our lists by comparing all the things all the kids had, and figured out what the boys had misplaced, what Jessica had misplaced which was a lot, and what Margaret didn’t have, and they now knew what the set they needed for Lacey and me. It seemed like so much.

“You could just get Lacey and me blankets, cheap ones, and we can sleep together and share,” I told Aunt Susan.

“Nonsense, baby. Sleeping bags are warmer, and believe me, you’ll see how much you need them when we are actually camping out by the lake.”

I nodded.

Uncle Scott came in, and he looked around and saw the different assorted kids’ camping sets.

“So? How much is missing?” he asked Aunt Susan.

“Pretty much like last year,” Aunt Susan said smiling. “And remember Valana and Lacey…”

“...need whole sets of stuff,” Uncle Scott said along with Aunt Susan as he predicted what she was saying.

“… And all the kid girls need diapers,” Margaret said when she found a pause.

Uncle Scott looked at Margaret.

“Actually, that is a good idea,” she told him. “I’d even have Mike wear one, if I thought we could get him into one without a fuss.”

“Mom!” Mike complained. “I’m twelve years old!”

“Age has nothing to do with it, Mike. Your sister is thirteen.”

“And she is having some needy issues because of feeling like she was left out and not important,” Mike told Margaret. “It’s not my fault she felt that way, and I didn’t. So I don’t need them.”

Aunt Susan sighed and looked at Scott. “So… just the girls.”

Uncle Scott nodded and sided with Mike a little bit. “Well, he has a male ego, you know. Boys are supposed to be strong, and diapers are, well, not for strong young boys.”

Aunt Susan nodded accepting the verdict on this.

 

 

I soon found myself in the car, but this time, Lacey, Jessica, and Mike were in the far back of the car, then Jason sat next to me in the middle, and Margaret was in the front closest to the front of the car, where her dad sat in the driver’s seat and her mom in the front passenger seat.

“It would be best if Jason sat next to Valana,” Aunt Susan had reasoned and Margaret sat near the front since I’m sure exactly how Margaret is feeling, and if she will pee her pants again or not even though she doesn’t want to wear a diaper, and Jason can keep an eye out for Valana signaling a need or see if she has started to wet her diaper or not.”

I couldn’t argue with her logic, and where Margaret was, I could still reach up and talk to her, and I could reach behind and talk to Lacey, so I actually like this position better, and knowing that Jason was next to me, I knew that he would not be trying to make me do stuff against my will.

Within about twenty minutes, we were at the shopping mall, and again, Uncle Scott gate kept the doors, letting Mike and Jason out first, then Jessica, then Lacey, and then Margaret to which he felt her butt.

“Honey, you insisted on wetting for the last few days, so daddy is still going to check for a couple more days to make sure you haven’t changed your mind again, and started to wet your pants again,” Uncle told Margaret. Then he felt my butt and helped me out.

As we started to walk, Aunt Susan gave directions as she held Margaret’s hand.

“Jessica and Lacey, I want you two to hold Mike’s hand, and Valana, please hold Jason’s hand. Boys, if one of the girls needs to be changed, you need to tell me, okay?”

Jason and Mike nodded.

We went towards the camping section and the first couple of things they decided they needed, were a couple new tents.

“You boys will continue to use the one in the yard for you. Your mom and I will sleep in the trailer, and then Margaret, you will sleep with Jessica in one tent, and Valana, you and Lacey will sleep in another tent.”

“Don’t we already have two tents?” Mike reminded him.

“Yes, but if you remember, the tent you are not using in the backyard has some leaks in it, and the girls didn’t like that last summer, remember Margaret?”

Margaret nodded.

Once a couple of tents were picked out, we started looking at individual gear, and that included, to my surprise, that aunt and uncle were getting Lacey and me our own backpacks.

[Kahlez]

7 hours ago, Ishigreensa said:

“I know, Carl. But trust me. I took Valana to the doctor, and she is going to need surgery. One kidney is already gone, and the other one is on its way out.”

So you are going the really bad route here I see. By the sound of it her mother probably has some damage as well. Not a real surprise and I am hopeful you tell as more about her in later chapters.

But the real interesting part this chapter was Margaret for me. I am not sure what is up with her I got the feeling she may like wearing diapers but maybe is too embarrassed. Her excuse to wear them at night seems fitting right into that theory and I am not sure if her parents really believe that or just play along. Lets see what happens next.

[Ishigreensa]

Chapter 10

Camp Shopping

We spent a few hours at the mall going to this place and that, and I could see the dollars quickly racking up. I wondered where uncle and aunt got all this money, but it seemed that they were having fun spending it, even though nearly everything they bought had nothing to do with themselves, but more so for the kids. Lacey and I, needing everything, it seemed they were spending a fortune on us.

We were looking at new pajamas, and again, I tried to tell them that dad and mom just bought Lacey and me some.

“Aunt Susan, Lacey and I have new pajamas with us,” I told her as we looked at them.

She patted my head. “I know, baby, but we’ll be camping, and you pee pretty heavily when you are in bed, and Margaret is right, it will be scary even if you get the nerve to try to go out on your own, the wildlife will scare you back into your tent, and you’ll just pee your pants, baby. I want to make sure you have plenty of pajamas so you won’t have to wear wet pajamas to sleep in the next night.”

I sighed. I hated that I wet my pants all the time. I wish I could just tell the voices to stop and leave me alone, and let me use the toilet. But even without the voices, there was that dark feeling that I’d get when I tried to break a rule, and I knew aunt was right. I would just wet my pants anyway.

They bought even Lacey four sets of pajamas and told her that she was allowed to wet her pants in the day while we were camping if she got nervous pulling her pants down.

Lacey looked down. “I don’t want to pee my pants.”

“That’s okay, baby. You don’t have to. Aunt Susan just doesn’t want you to get scared or feel bad if it happens, okay?”

She nodded.

“But if you do get scared and want to pee not in your pants, you can get me, your uncle, or even Jason if you want, and one of us will take you to a private place to let you go potty. I’d prefer if you take one of us anyway because we don’t want you getting lost or hurt.”

Lacey nodded. “I’ll get someone to take me. I just don’t want to wet my pants on purpose anymore.”

Aunt Susan nodded.

Margaret whispered to Lacey. “It’s not that bad to wet on purpose while camping. No one is around, so the only ones that know you peed your pants are the people you are with, and that’s just us, so no one will be mean to you.”

I looked at Margaret. “You’re not trying to make my little sister wet herself?”

“No, honest. I was just trying to make sure she isn’t scared to pee her pants. It can be a little bit scary even for a normal kid, the first time, and I know you and Lacey have been having a bad life now, so I wanted her to not be scared.”

I put my hands on my hips. “How would you know it’s scary to pee your pants the first time?”

She looked down blushing.

“I was a lot younger, so you might not think it counts, but when I was like eight, we had our first real camping over a weekend experience because that was when Jessica was five, so our parents thought it was okay to take us, finally. And I… I pooped my pants on that first trip. I was so scared I was gonna get in trouble and stuff.”

I hugged her. “I’m sorry, then. Yeah, it’s really scary to pee your pants at eight years old.”

“Daddy used to carry to carry me a lot in those days, and he would put me in his lap and even though I pooped my pants camping, and wet myself a few times on that camping trip because I refused to pull my pants down outside the tent… I was so stupid… he just smiled at me and joked to mommy that I was going to be nun because I was too modest to do anything else.”

I smiled at the joke. “Well, I think Lacey is actually okay peeing outside,” I told Margaret. “I mean, as long as she knows she won’t be yelled at for it.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, I taught her how to pee outside at the park, when no one is watching after our daddy rescued us from her daddy, afraid that our new daddy, if he was like her daddy to me, might get mad at her if she wet her pants.”

“How’d you teach her to do that when you potty your pants all the time?”

I looked down ashamed of myself. “I don’t know why she listened to me. I just knew by then, it was really hard for me to make people happy no matter what I did, but I didn’t want my little sister to start getting hurt and stuff. Her daddy did already have some rules, like she can’t ask to go at the table and when he thought it bad to ask like when he couldn’t take her because he wouldn’t go in a girls’ room at all, and he wouldn’t take us in the boys’, and he didn’t even like mom taking her into the girls’.”

“Well, if your mom couldn’t take her to the girls’ room, what did Lacey’s dad expect.”

I looked down. “I always just peed my pants.”

“I know, cousin. Did your sister, too?”

“Um… she tried to hold it as long as she could. But he was her daddy, so he never blamed her when she wet. He just yelled at mom for not potty training her better, and he blamed me for being a terrible influence since I was peeing my pants all the time.”

Margaret hugged me. “That’s crappy.”

I looked down. “All I care about right now, is that Lacey doesn’t get kicked or hit in the stomach or get stuff used on her to spank her, or that she doesn’t drink mysterious medicine that comes in glasses instead of spoons.”

“I don’t blame you,” Margaret kept hugging me. “You peed your pants?” she asked me.

I nodded. “I’m wet. I just don’t want to tell anyone. I don’t think Uncle will hit me anymore, but I still don’t want to embarrass aunt and uncle.”

Margaret nodded. “We’ll tell them when we get back in the car.”

I nodded.

We continued on and started to get our camping dishes. I saw some tin ones, and pulled aunt to look at them, but she frowned and lifting me in a hug for a minute, “No, baby. You are getting some fun dishes. Only soldiers like those tin things, sweetheart.” then aunt turned to uncle. “I think Valana is wet,” she told him.

He picked me up, and felt under my dress at my panties, and then put me down. He just touched my butt, of course, and was just looking for wetness. “Yeah, this one is wet,” he told my aunt. “Maybe we should take the children to the bathroom before we get their dishes, and you can change Valana while Margaret, Jessica, and Lacey use the toilet, and I’ll take Jason and Mike.”

“Can I go with you, dad?” Margaret suddenly asked.

“Um… I was going into the boys’ room, sweetheart.”

“What about that one?” she pointed at the family restroom.

He smiled. “Yeah, I can take you there. Jason, keep an eye out for your brother. He shouldn’t need you to watch him per se, but just make sure no one bothers him.”

Jason and Mike gave him a thumbs up.

Then Lacey looked up at uncle. “Can I go with you, Uncle Sco…” but I cut her off.

“You’re coming with us, Lacey,” I told her firmly not wanting uncle to find out she leaked and be alone where something could happen. Margaret was his own kid, so Margaret had the right to fully pee her pants in front of him, but I wasn’t taking a chance of Lacey’s panties just looking damp or stained and me not there to get in the way of her getting it in the mouth or something.

Lacey looked at me sadly, but as she saw the set look on my face, my determination to protect her, she nodded. “I changed my mind. I want to go with my sister.”

Uncle Scott and Aunt Susan looked at each other, but as we sisters settled what would happen, they decided to just let us be.

 

When we went into the bathroom, Aunt Susan brought both Lacey and me into the same stall with her in the handicap one because she first had Lacey pull up her dress and show her, and checked her panties. They looked dry to me from where I could see. Then she let Lacey go sit on the toilet while she started to have me lift my dress up while she worked on changing my pull up for me.

“Don’t worry, sweetheart. What would be bad right now,” she told me smiling into my confused eyes, “...is if you don’t pee at all, either in a toilet or your diapers, sweetheart.”

“Is that cause of the thing that hurt her and poisoned her?” Lacey asked from the toilet where I started to hear a tinkle of water bouncing in the water in the toilet.

“Yes, little one. If your kidneys don’t work, sometimes, they don’t get the waste from your body or send it to the right place, and then that can hurt you. Sometimes, other bad things happen too when they don’t work, so as long as your sister is peeing somewhat normally, it means her good kidney is still working.”

Lacey nodded.

“I’m not potty training you yet,” Aunt Susan told me, “because first of all, while you have problems with your body, that is just going to frustrate you, and second of all, I don’t think I want you trying to hold it more than you are already doing. If anything, I’d like you to relax and pee sooner, sweetheart. I’m not a doctor so I don’t know how long you should be waiting, but common sense tells me that you shouldn’t be holding it in your condition.”

I nodded. “I don’t have a choice, Aunt Susan. My body just goes as it feels the needs, and the needs get strong enough to get worse than my fear that I’ll get in trouble.”

She nodded. “So even after everything so far, you are still scared you’ll get in trouble for wetting your pants?”

“I’m thirteen,” I nodded. “I know it’s bad behavior for a thirteen year old or even a ten year old to wet our pants.”

Aunt Susan hugged me. “Well, that’s the first thing we need to get rid of,” she told us. “The idea that you’ll get in trouble and that it’s bad to try to keep from hurting yourself from trying to pee. In your pants or in a toilet, it is most important your pee leaves your body as soon as it can. Keeping it in not only makes your other problems worse, but even by itself, if you keep holding it all the time, you can make your bladder back up and cause infections in your kidneys.”

I shrugged. “Well, that’s not a big deal, is it?”

“Honey, it is a big deal. Infections are more than hurting and itching and being uncomfortable when you pee. They can cause other kidney damage and yes, can lead to you losing your kidneys same as alcohol likely did to yours.”

I sighed. “I was always told there is medicine for infections, and that kids just need to learn to obey.”

“From your mom?”

I shook my head, but then paused. Mom did sometimes agree that they had medicine for infections, and she nodded that kids needed to learn to obey, so I stopped shaking my head. I wasn’t sure what to think. I don’t think mommy wanted to make me wet my pants though, and then yell at me for it. I think that was Lacey’s dad. I know that mom sometimes told me not to make a big deal of needing the toilet sometimes in the last two years. But was it because she thought I was being a baby with wetting my pants, or was it because she was afraid that daddy would get tired of me and of Lacey not being able to hold it long enough, and then would start hitting? I kind of wasn’t sure, but I guessed it was so that we didn’t annoy daddy too much.

“I’m sorry I can’t go in the toilet,” I told Aunt Susan.

“Honey, you need to stop that,” she told me. “I don’t care if you go in the toilet or not. I just want you to pee and get it out of you a little quicker than you usually do. I would try to teach you to do so, but I’m really lost on what would work in this case.”

Lacey finished peeing as Aunt Susan let my dress fall, and covering my new diaper.

“Sweetheart, you were peeing and stopping and peeing just now,” Aunt Susan turned to her.

Lacey looked down. “Did I do it wrong?”

“Honey, I’m just worried you’ll train yourself to be unhealthy like your sister was trained to be. It’s not good to stop and go like that. Is it because we were in here with you?”

Lacey shrugged.

“She usually goes to the bathroom without wetting her pants,” I told Aunt Susan. “Except at night. Sometimes, she wets the bed in her sleep, and sometimes, she wets because we are afraid to get up before we are woken up.”

Aunt Susan reached an arm around Lacey. “Well, maybe I should start checking on you girls earlier in the morning?”

“NO!” both Lacey and I screamed at her. “Please, no.”

“Why not, babies?”

“Because. Then you’ll get less sleep,” I said leaving unsaid what would happen if we caused Aunt Susan to get less sleep. Leaving unsaid that it might make Uncle Scott mad at us. Leaving unsaid that it was bad to think of only ourselves and not think that other people have needs too.

Aunt Susan shook her head and put her finger to her lips. “Babies, I have raised four children, and I still check on three of them regularly in the mornings. I might not have to check them for going to the bathroom, but I do worry about them and look in on them any time I get up for any reason.”

My sister and I looked at each other.

“Just remember, girls. Carl is my brother, and just the way he has been treating you, at least I hope he has been, that is how it is around my house.”

I nodded knowing that Aunt Susan and Uncle Scott have been nothing but understanding and nice, even about a thirteen year old that has to stay in diapers all the time because I can’t seem to pee right.

“Can you stop saying our mommy is bad?” Lacey suddenly asked.

“Honey, I thought we had already crossed that bridge. I know that most of what has happened with both you and your sister is not her fault, now. I promise, when I see her again, I’ll be apologizing and not blaming her for your lack of potty training at all, okay?”

Lacey put out her pinky at Aunt Susan. “It is just words you are saying unless you are willing to swear by it.”

Lacey was ten years old, and the pinky swear was probably a bit juvenile, even for her, but again, Aunt Susan, Uncle Scott, Jason, not even Margaret said she was a baby for doing it. Mike smiled and nodded his approval, and even Jessica said. “This is a big deal, so of course it needs to be sworn. Aunt Elizabeth isn’t the one that is wrong. I told you mom, that something was not right with how you thought her.”

Aunt Susan looked at her ten year old, a look of bewilderment for a moment, and then she nodded. “And you were right, little princess. Your Aunt Elizabeth is not to blame for anything. I wish I knew how you knew.”

Jessica just shrugged. “Because she has a mommy feel,” she said. “I can’t explain it, but I think someone with the mommy feel, is well, a mommy for real.”

I sort of got what Jessica was talking about. Aunt Susan had a “mommy feel” about her. She was kind and sensitive, and she seemed to know when she was needed, and when she needed to give a kid some space. She was… well, as Jessica put it, she had the mommy feel about her.

Actually, I guess that’s why I started to trust Uncle Scott. He had a mommy feel about him, too. I didn’t know what a daddy felt like. It had been so long since I had a decent man before our daddy came along, and I’m not sure if I know of a feel from him, more than I just trust him because of the way was from when we first met. He saved mom, and he kept me from getting cut again, and he never once hit me with something. I think he is what a daddy is supposed to be, but he doesn’t have a feel. He’s just… well, daddy, and someone I really trust.

When we were done in the bathroom, we started looking at warmer camping clothes because Uncle Scott said it could get cold out there, and he wanted all us kids to be comfortable, both his own kids, and his nieces.

By the time we left the mall that day, It was around four. We had had lunch there, and we were leaving with the car so full of stuff, it was a wonder that us kids, well that even four of the six of us could find a place to sit. As it was, I ended up sitting in Jason’s lap and Lacey ended up in Margaret’s lap.

I loved spending the day at the mall and shopping with my uncle and aunt. It seemed they were very attentive to us, and the really surprising thing to me, was that Uncle Scott was not only patient, but he like asked us kids, especially the girls, like nearly every time Lacey peed, if we had to go, so Lacey never had to say something embarrassing to not wet herself. She just had to nod. But he not only asked us, but he asked Margaret and Jessica, too, and every time a girl said we wanted to go, he told his boys that it would be a good time for them to try, too.

We got home with a mountain of stuff for each of us, and not just practical stuff, either. They bought Lacey two stuffed animals of her own, and they bought me a bead-necklace craft set, and they got all us kids a coloring book and some crayons, and they got a bunch of games for us to play when the excitement and bewilderment of nature was not entertaining enough for us. Of course, they got our cousins stuff, too, but then they should since those are their real children, and we were just nieces.

No matter how many times I embarrassed them because I peed my pants at the mall, the only thing that Aunt Susan was concerned with, is if I was holding it too long.

 

[Ishigreensa]

Chapter 11

Confidants in Diapers

On that Sunday morning, Aunt Susan came into our room, and she sat on the edge of our bed, even though she knew I’d have wet my pants and maybe the bedding, and knowing that my sister, who incidentally did, wet in her sleep, and got the bedding even wetter, and she had a little talk with us.

“I am really worried about both of you,” Aunt Susan told us. “Of course, Valana is in serious condition, but Lacey, you could be putting yourself at risk later, too, if you continue to pee the way I saw you doing at the mall yesterday.”

Aunt Susan had gone into the bathroom with us every time we peed, to change my wet diapers, and to observe my sister peeing, who was peeing pretty much the same way I learned to do it safely in my pants so I wouldn’t be discovered.

“I don’t know if you intended to teach your sister to pee like that,” Aunt told me looking at me. “But somehow, I am sure she has learned the behavior from you. It is an unhealthy behavior and can lead her to the same problems you have, and what is more, even though alcohol can cause damage to your kidneys much faster, overtime, if your sister continues to let her bladder get too full because she can’t empty it, and she starts backing up into her kidneys, she could be in the same danger that you are in, sweetheart.”

I nodded. “So, how do I make her stop doing it how I do it?” I asked.

“That’s not your job, sweetheart. Right now, as your caregiver, it is my job to figure that out. But your job is to encourage her to do what is healthy, baby. If I tell her to do something, and you realize that what I’m telling her to do is for her health, then your encouraging her to do what I tell her to do would help.”

I nodded.

“It also means you need to try to do what I tell you to do so she can learn by example that this is the right thing to do.”

“Aunt Susan, I do try to go to the toilet and pee, when I get to go, but it just doesn’t come out.”

“I know, baby. I’m not blaming you. I’m just asking you that you try very hard to do what you are told.”

I nodded.

“Well, Aunt Susan is going to talk to Uncle Scott and maybe get a pediatrician to give us some help and guidance on this. I don’t yet know what to do to get you to release the urine in your body so you are not backing up your only good kidney, but it is important to find a way to get your body to release.”

I nodded.

“Okay, well, I’m going to put a diaper on both of you for church. I know that Lacey is potty trained, but my concern is, if she is in primary by herself, and she isn’t sure when or how to ask, that she’ll be scared to release her pee, so wearing a diaper will at least give her a place to go without drawing attention to her wetting her pants.”

I nodded.

“Lacey, Aunt Susan is going to put you in a diaper for church, and I’d like you to not worry and just wet your pants in primary, okay?”

She looked up at me.

“I know. It’s a strange request coming from me since I try so hard to protect you and let you go, but if you are in primary, and don’t know who or how to ask, I don’t want you holding it because I’m afraid you’ll hold it too much and cause trouble for your body. I don’t want you to get sick. So, just wet in primary for big sis, please?”

She nodded. “I will.”

“I’m going to just wet my pants today at church, too. I know uncle and aunt won’t be mad at me, and Margaret already told some of the girls in Sunday School last week that I can’t help peeing my diaper. Don’t get mad at her, Aunt Susan. Because she did that, it makes it a little safer to wet my diaper today.”

Aunt Susan smiled and nodded.

She stood up, reached out a hand to both of us, and she took us down the hall to the bathroom, and she put my sister on the toilet first, and told her to try. My sister peed a lot in the toilet even though she had really wet the bed. I was a little bit surprised, but Aunt Susan looked satisfied, as if she knew. Then she took off my wet pajama bottoms, my wet diaper, and then put me on the toilet. I looked up at her. She remembered I couldn’t pee all the way on the toilet, didn’t she?

I sat there for a while, wondering if it was going to come, but then I started to feel a little bit come out. Aunt smiled as she heard a little bit go in the toilet. I stopped. I didn’t mean to. My body just does that, but as I started to reach for toilet paper to finish, Aunt Susan shook her head at me, and put her hand over mine stopping me getting toilet paper. “Not yet,” she told me.

I sat there a few more minutes, and then I felt a little more come out and pee drizzled into the toilet.

For a second time, Aunt Susan stopped me getting toilet paper to finish up. “Not yet,” she told me. I felt nervous. Was I hogging the toilet? Was someone else trying to hold it because of me? Still, I was made to sit there a few minutes, and I drizzled again, only to my surprise, a little bit more opened up, and though it was probably not on full blast, I knew that somehow, I relaxed a lot more, and more pee pushed through and I felt my body pee, stop, pee, but in a way that the pauses were not far apart. I paused like twice and then I peed so I thought I was empty. This time, I didn’t reach for the toilet paper, though. I looked up and waited for Aunt Susan to let me.

“Good girl,” she told me. Then she presented the toilet paper to me, so I could take some. I felt funny, and knew I shouldn’t have had to pee in front of her, and wipe in front of her, but she seemed like she was going to watch until I was finished, and then she took me, bottom naked, to the bath where she put both me and Lacey in the tub and she started to run some water.

“Take off your tops,” Aunt Susan told us for she had already removed our bottoms, so the water filling the tub around us didn’t even get anything wet yet.

We obediently complied and started to take off our shirts. There was a knock on the bathroom door.

“Can I pee?” Margaret asked.

“Come on in,” Aunt Susan said. “You are all girls.”

Margaret smiled sheepishly at me and Lacey, and then she went over to the toilet. I saw her pull her pajamas down, but she seemed to be trying to use her pajama bottoms to hide her panties. Of course, thirteen year old girls are very sensitive about things, so I didn’t register that anything was wrong, but Aunt Susan went over and pulled her pajama bottoms off her, and I saw a sizable wet stop in my cousin’s panties.

Aunt Susan hugged her, and she whispered to her. “I’ll give you a bath after your cousins are done, honey. Don’t be embarrassed. No one in this room has a right to say anything. Everyone in this room except mommy has wet the bed, so it’s okay.”

Margaret nodded and looked down.

“Remember how you felt like mommy would be mad and you might get in trouble for peeing your pants?” Aunt Susan asked her.

Margaret nodded looking up at her.

“Well, I’m not mad, and you are not in trouble. Whether you did it on purpose or you had an accident, but do you want to tell me if it was an accident?”

“It… it was, kind of. I was waiting outside the bathroom, and I knocked because I leaked and peed a little bit.”

She hugged her daughter and smiled. “See? Mommy isn’t going to punish you, honey.”

“Aunt Susan?” Lacey felt like something needed corrected. “Margaret didn’t even wet the bed. She just had a tiny accident because the toilet was being used.”

“I know, sweetheart, but to me, it’s all the same. The three of you just had accidents, and no one deserves to be punished or made fun of for it, okay?”

Lacey nodded.

Margaret smiled at Lacey, and she blushed a little bit.

Aunt Susan started to wash me first, and when I was done, she had me step out, and she called Margaret to the tub and helped her undress and get in, then she washed Lacey, and then nodded at us.

“Go to your room and wait for me there, girls. I’ll put a diaper on you both for church.”

“Mom? I thought Lacey doesn’t pee her pants, really,” Margaret asked a bit confused.

“Well…, normally she doesn’t, but her older sister was concerned about what would happen if she was in primary and scared to ask to go, so I’ve told her to just wet her pants.”

“Oh,” Margaret looked down.

“Would you like permission to just pee your pants at church, and mommy diaper you, too?”

I saw a look in her face that didn’t look too displeased with that idea, but Margaret seemed to argue about it just the same. Yeah, I had not left the bathroom yet because I wanted to know what to expect, and Aunt Susan was too focused on Margaret’s worries to think I was still there.

“Mom, I can’t,” she said. “My friends….”

“Wouldn’t know, honey. I’d put a thick one on you like Lacey uses to sleep if that helps you feel better and a nice long dress, so you won’t have to worry about your panties being seen.”

“But I’m thirteen…,” she said shaking a little.

“Yes, honey. You are thirteen. You are confused about who you are, what you are allowed to do, where you have the right to make your own choices, and a lot of things. It’s okay. The diaper will take stress away, if you decide not to wet, you can ask me before the third meeting starts to take you so I can undo your diaper for you.”

She looked down. “But if I have it on, I don’t want mom going in the bathroom with me. That will really make me look like a baby.”

“Well, it’s up to you on the diaper. You can decide while I bathe you, and then I have to diaper your cousins, so when I come to your room to talk to you, you can decide then, okay?”

Margaret nodded.

Aunt Susan just realized we were there listening to everything. She looked over at me. “You aren’t going to tell the church friends at school about her diapers or her wetting this morning, are you?”

I held out my pinky, as juvenile as that was, and I looked Margaret in the eye. “I know, but just do it. Lacey is standing right here, and if she sees me do this, I will not go back on it because it is the most serious form of promise to her. I would never break her trust, Margaret.”

Margaret held out her pinky to me.

“Whatever Margaret decides to do about my bedwetting, pants wetting, or whatever, I will never tell anyone of any of the accidents that I’ve seen or will see no matter what, except to her mom and dad who care about her and might need to help her change her wet pants. I promise.”

Margaret looked up at me, her mouth wide. “Should I do that? Make the same promise to you?”

“No,” I said. “Because I don’t know if you have the ability to keep a promise like that yet. You were mean to us for three years about it, and it’s hard to change, and this is the most important promise you can ever make in front of Lacey. I will not let you involve me in a promise that I don’t know you can keep, and let you pink swear on it.”

Margaret looked down. “Okay.”

“Maybe after we get to know each other, really know each other, and I find out you can keep promises that are serious to you, then I’ll let you pinky swear in front of my sister, but please, you have to understand, I have to protect her.”

Margaret nodded. “I would do the same for Mike or Jessica. I get it.”

I was a little surprised she said she’d do the same for Mike. He was twelve years old, and didn’t look that sensitive or weak to me. But then, I really didn’t know my cousins that well.

I took Lacey to the bedroom, and we waited naked for Aunt Susan to come and take care of us. Meanwhile, Lacey asked me:

“Valana, does it hurt?” she asked.

“Does what hurt?” I asked.

“Well, Aunt Susan says one of your kidneys doesn’t work. Does it hurt?”

“I don’t feel like it hurts right now,” I told her. “I don’t know if it is related or not, but I used to hurt a little bit when I tried to pee.”

“How long ago?”

“I don’t remember. Maybe a year or two ago, maybe?”

“Was that the first time it hurt to pee?”

“No…. I think the first time it hurt to pee, probably while your dad was still the dad of the house.”

She looked down. “Did you ever tell daddy?”

 

“What are you doing?” I heard the dark voices just outside my vision, the vision of Jason’s and Mike’s room starting to blur.

“It hurts!” I heard the sound of a little girl, a girl whose voice I didn’t immediately recognize. “It hurts a lot.” and there were little sobs within those declarations.

“Well, it should hurt,” the dark voice told the little girl in my daydream void. “You keep peeing your pants, so it is going to hurt.”

“But I’m trying not to. Honest. I hate peeing my pants,” the little girl was using words like I say them, but I still don’t remember that to be my voice. The little girl definitely sounded younger than ten years old.

“If you were trying, you wouldn’t keep peeing your pants all the time especially at the dirtiest and most embarrassing times.”

 

“Valana…!” I heard a different little girl trying to cut through the dark conversation that was taking place. “Valana, do you hear me?”

 

“You do this every time. You ruined dinner.”

I felt tears in my eyes, and I felt my hand holding my side. Pee was pouring down my legs as I felt he presence of the dark man chastising me on what I did wrong again.

 

“Valana!,” the voice was sharper this time. “Valana, can’t you hear me?” It was the voice of my little sister. I started to blink, and the dark world again faded into the void it came from.

“Lacey?”

Lacey pointed down my legs at the puddle on the floor. “I thought aunt got your pee all out.”

I frowned. “I told her it was no use. I always end up wetting anyway, even when I try to use the toilet.”

Lacey sighed and walked over and hugged me. She didn’t even act like anything was wrong, but she was standing right in the puddle I had made in the carpet on the bedroom floor.

“How come you sometimes get a look on your face, and you are awake, but you look like you are thinking about something that has nothing to do with what is going on now?” she asked.

I shrugged. Even if I wanted to explain it to her, and I didn’t, but even if, I had no word for this not-a-daydream. It was a dark presence that I could never get rid of, and it came from the void at the most inconvenient times. I hated the void dreams, I think I will call them now.

“Sometimes, like just now, you scare me when you look far off like that and can’t answer people talking to you,” Lacey told me. “It’s like you are not really in your body, and you look so terrified at something that I can’t even see.”

I looked down. “I think I just remember stuff sometimes. You shouldn’t worry. It’s just memories, not anything that can hurt us now.”

“I don’t like your memories, then,” she told me. “They make you look so scared and helpless.”

I nodded. I do feel scared and helpless, especially when the void dreams are about the dark daddy that was Lacey’s dad.

 

Before I knew it, we were in the second hour of church, the part where I was sitting in a room with both boys and girls around my age. We were talking about something to do with being a good neighbor. There was the parable of the beat up Jew, and there was story of Jesus at the Well with a woman. Of course, I knew these stories well, and I felt a little braver today, raising my hand on my interpretation when the teacher asked me: “Who is your neighbor?”

“I don’t think Jesus just meant neighbor,” I said. “Sometimes, words in another language have a different meaning. Sometimes, Japanese call a stranger uncle or aunt. Sometimes, people in Mexico call people something that is different in English. I don’t think neighbor is the right word Jesus said. I don’t think he spoke English.”

Everyone was listening to me. I blushed.

“I think Jesus said brother or sister or sibling. Doesn’t church teach us that we are all brothers and sisters in the world, from the eyes of heaven? So he was saying to us, look out for each other, and he explicitly gave the example of the Jew that was beat up and the three men passing, so as to show, that even when you think someone is less than you, or you hate their race or culture, or you don’t understand them, they are still your brother and sister.”

I heard someone sniffle at the table we were at.

“I’ve never had a student answer that way,” the teacher told me. “But you’re probably the most complete answer I’ve ever heard. We are the world and all are children of God. We should see each other as brothers and sisters no matter what anger or disagreements we have. We are brothers and sisters.” The teacher confirmed everything I said.

I heard a sniffle again, and then I saw Margaret looking down.

I put a hand on her hand and held it until everyone left the room. After everyone was gone, and I asked the teacher for a private moment.  The teacher left, and I put my hand on my cousin’s dress, to check through it, and I felt a thinner diaper, like I wear in the day. I felt it was wet.

“Are you okay?” I asked her.

She nodded. “I peed my pants.”

“Yes, I know. It’s okay. No one knows. Now, do you want me to slip Aunt Susan back her to where you are?”

She stood up shaking. “Is my back wet?” she asked.

I felt her to make sure of good measure. She didn’t pee that bad.

“Do you still need to pee?” I asked. “Because you didn’t leak.”

She shrugged.

“Well, I can get aunt to take you.”

“Please, no,” Margaret said a little fear in her eyes.

“Well, girls go together,” I told her. “I can take you, and if you get in trouble, you can just stay in there until I tell you the bathroom is clear, and then if you need me, you can open it so I can help you.”

She nodded. “I have an extra diaper for both you and me in my bag.”

I smiled. I was wet, but I planned to just wait until I got home. I was used to wearing wet diapers.

 

We were in the car, getting ready to go home, when I asked if I could talk to Aunt Susan by myself. I looked sadly at Uncle Scott because I knew he wouldn’t hit me, and I didn’t mean to leave him out, but I wanted to make sure the other kids were kept away, so I needed him to make sure the others didn’t come out and hear what I told Susan. I pinky swore I would not tell anyone but Aunt Susan and Uncle Scott.

“Margaret had an accident in Sunday School,” I told her when I looked again to make sure no one was close enough to hear me. “I peed my pants, too, but it was like I usually do. I don’t know how to do it right, yet. But back to Margaret, she is still wearing a wet diaper. She was kind of scared of how to change herself, and where to leave the dirty diaper, so we agreed she could just wait until after church. I was going to do that anyway, and just get you or Uncle to change me when we got home.”

Aunt Susan smiled and hugged me. “Thank you for telling me this in private, honey.”

Then we were on our way home.

 

When we got home, Aunt Susan called Jason over to her. “Jason, will you change Jessica into some panties in the living room, and then fix everyone some lunch, and make sure everyone but your uncle, Margaret, Valana, and I stay down here until both Valana and Margaret have come down?”

He nodded. He did raise his eyebrow at Margaret and at me, as if he might have guessed what happened, but I know I didn’t tell him anything. We went upstairs, and Uncle Scott took Margaret to her room while Aunt Susan first got Lacey some panties and took them back to Jason, and then in our room, she sat on a dry area of the bed and had me stand in front of her.

“Did you finish peeing?” she asked me.

I shrugged.

“Well, I’m not removing this diaper until I see you try to finish. I want you to either finish in your pants, or if you prefer, you can go to the bathroom and try in the toilet, but you need to finish.”

I shrugged. I didn’t really care if it went in my pants or not. I tried to pee my pants in front of my aunt, looking at her, blushing, knowing that somehow, her wanting me to pee my pants had something to do with toilet training me, but more than that, to try to make me healthy again.

Surprising myself, I started to pee a little bit drizzling a little in my diaper, but it turned off. I put my hands instinctively down at my dress front, as I blushed, but I also smiled.

“You are wetting?” Auntie asked me.

I nodded. “But it just dribbled a little bit and stopped.”

“Well, try again, baby. We don’t want anything in your bladder if we can help it. Come on. You know Auntie Susan and Uncle Scott are not going to hit, baby.”

I nodded and blushing some more, knowing I was doing it, like on just on purpose on purpose, because my tummy was full, but because I was actually trying to wet myself, and my aunt was sitting there, her hands around me hugging me, and making me stand in front of her and making sure I peed. I pushed and I peed some more, another little drizzling that quickly stopped, and I took a breath.

My aunt pulled me over and into her lap, and she rubbed my tummy as she sat me sideways on her lap.

“It’s okay,” she whispered to me. “I know it’s embarrassing and hard to do after everything you’ve been through, but you need to learn to get your pee out of your body. Come on, sweetheart, just pee your pants and try not to think about it, okay?”

I nodded and pushed again, only it didn’t take a hard push at all this time. I felt it start to drizzle, and then it picked up and started to turn into a real little stream. I pushed some more though, and then it started becoming a a regular little stream before it quickly reduced to a little drizzle and then into a few little squirts and then nothing.

I sat there, panting a moment, and then I turned to Aunt Susan, feeling exhausted but relieved. Feeling ashamed but somehow satisfied, and I knew she wanted it, so I tried to push again, but nothing was there. I pushed again and again, and that’s when Aunt Susan smiled and lifted me up. My diaper leaked and Aunt’s pants were wet.

“Good girl,” she said putting her hand on my wet bottom. “Good girl. As soon as we can get you used to doing this on your own, then we can start the long road to actually getting it into the toilet, but first thing is first, and first is getting you to let go of it and relax, just peeing so you don’t hurt your other kidney and destroy before you get a new one, sweetie.”

I nodded.

She pulled her towards her, and I saw the soaked dress front from sitting in her lap, and I blushed because I knew I peed on her. But Aunt just hugged me. She rubbed my wet bottom and my tummy, and she smiled.

“Now, I think a certain little teenager wants to get cleaned and out of a wet dress?”

I nodded.

She went over to my clothes in the dresser just as the door opened, and Margaret was there wearing jeans and t-shirt. She saw that her mother had pee on her, and she had to know what I did. I was encouraged though, and I hope she didn’t think I was taking her mommy intimacy from her.

She laughed when she saw what I did.

“Daddy told me to just pee my pants, too,” she told me. “Like he forced me to wet my pants, but not in a mean way. He just said that he could tell I didn’t pee all the way because your daytime diapers are not really that good, and he said that if a teenager pees right, they shouldn’t be able to hold a full wetting, so he told me he wasn’t changing me until I peed, and so I peed my pants again.”

I smiled. “Well, I won’t tell anyone but your parents if you pee your pants. So don’t be scared that you told me.”

She nodded. “That’s why I told you. I understood how much that pinky swear thing meant to you, so when I took a quick look over the railing and didn’t see you in the living room with the others, I thought mom either had you in the bathroom or in here, trying to make you pee since everyone in the family now knows that you can’t fully pee on your own without it taking forever.”

I nodded. “She does kind of make it come out somehow. She made me pee all the way in the bathroom this morning even though it was in my pants, and she made me pee all the way just now in my pants. I think…. I think it’s getting easier as long as she is making me pee my pants.”

Margaret smiled. “Good. Even if I did think it was funny at first and made fun of you for it, that was because I thought you were healthy. I really feel bad about that now, because I now know you were never really healthy, and my being mean to you and your sister couldn’t have helped. And I won’t be telling anyone else outside the family you pee in your pants, even if you can’t trust me with a pinky swear in front of your sister yet.”

I smiled. Somehow, I felt like she was starting to become a friend I could somewhat confide in, especially since she just told me that she peed her pants on purpose in front of her dad, and she really didn’t have to do that

[spark]

Who would have guessed that Margaret would become a protagonist? 

This is really good

[Ishigreensa]

3 hours ago, spark said:

Who would have guessed that Margaret would become a protagonist? 

This is really good

Thank you for your comment.  Yeah, we'll see that Margaret is just... well, needy in other ways, so she has her own issues that are slowly coming to surface, or maybe I've already played my hand, you can see them already.

[Ishigreensa]

Chapter 12

Sunday Afternoon

 

We went down that Sunday afternoon, and the six of us kids started playing in the backyard. We were just really playing tag, but it was fun, and then Jason’s friend came over with Ruth, and he joined the game, but I went over to talk to Ruth because she’d be left out, so they didn’t really gain a player, but they didn’t lose one either.

“Hi Ruth!” I called to the brunette girl in a wheelchair.

She smiled and waited for me to reach her, and then she reached up and I hugged her. “My brother said he was going to get out of the house, and so when I said I wanted to come, and he told me where he was going, I hoped to see you and Lacey.”

“Jessica is over there,” I pointed to the other ten year old. “She’s as old as Lacey, and I think you might be surprised by some of the changes that Margaret has recently been experiencing.”

“Well, I won’t really care about her changes unless she’s nicer.”

“Well, I don’t know if she is suddenly nicer on a whole because it takes time for people to change if they are going to, but she’s been a lot better just to Lacey and me since last weekend.”

“That’s nice. You can go run and play. I don’t mean to ruin your fun,” Ruth said.

“Nonsense,” I said. “You are a guest here, too. Come on, I’ll take you inside and see if we can do something there.”

We walked into the house, me pushing Ruth in her chair, and I saw my aunt on the phone with my mom or dad.

“Excuse me, Elizabeth, but your daughter came in. I don’t think this is the right time to startle her with what we are talking about.”

Aunt Susan then looked over smiling at us.

“You must be Ruth,” she said pleasantly. “Valana, you can go get the toys we bought you for camping, if you want to do something with her, or you can go out and ask Margaret if she would be okay with you playing with something of hers.”

“We’ll be okay with a deck of cards, Aunt Susan.”

Aunt Susan gave us a deck of cards, and then went back to my mom.

“I’ll talk to you in a minute, Elizabeth. Valana is in the kitchen with a friend, so I want to go grab the phone upstairs.”

Then she left us sitting there.

“So, do you have any favorite card games?” I asked Ruth.

“Oh, I like a lot of card games. And I’m game for learning new ones, so if you have a favorite, I definitely would like to learn it if I don’t know it.”

I smiled at Ruth’s enthusiasm, and while I was setting up, Jessica and Lacey came in to sit at the table, too. I guess Margaret was having too much fun with her brothers, or maybe she really didn’t like Ruth. I guess not everyone has to like everyone.

 

We played for a while, and before I knew it, I had drizzled some in my diaper, but I just kept playing with Ruth. I wasn’t going to be able to use the toilet by myself anyway because even if I tried to pee some, it would never all come out.

I continued to drizzle every now and then while we had fun talking and playing “slap jack.” and at one point, Lacey looked over at me. “I have to go pee, but you guys are going to continue, and I’ll not have a fair chance to get more cards,” she pouted.

“Go to the bathroom,” I told my little sister. “We’ll wait for you.”

She ran off to use the bathroom, and Jessica got down from the table and went with her. That left Ruth and me to talk.

“How come your sister didn’t just go? Do you usually do unfair things to her?” Ruth asked me.

I looked down. “I can be a little unfair to her at times, but no, I never make her choose between the toilet and being fair. That’s just mean.”

“I don’t understand why she didn’t just go, though?”

I sighed. “It’s private, Ruth. There is a lot of stuff that’s just… well, private.”

She nodded and looked down at herself.

“What’s wrong?”

“Well, I understand the private or embarrassing things, I guess. You might not know, but the day you came last time, I accidentally peed before you came, and I didn’t tell my mom because I was too excited, so I played with you the whole time in wet pants.”

I smiled. “So?”

“So, I think that’s why Margaret hates me. I think she just sees a baby because that can happen sometimes.”

“Well, I think she’s changed a little bit.”

“How would you know?”

“Because…. Um…. I pee my pants all the time cause I can’t get it all to come out in the toilet.”

She looked at me. “Really?”

“Yeah. It’s also the same personal reasons that Lacey always has to check that something can stop for her, and she has to ask permission to pee all the time.”

“Is it a rule at this house?”

“No. It’s something that happened a long time ago. Look, I really don’t feel comfortable talking about it.”

“Okay. I’m sorry. I was just ….”

“Curious?”

“Um… yeah? But more than that.”

“I’m sorry. Maybe I’ll talk about it when we are better friends.”

She nodded. “I understand.”

I leaked some more pee.

Jason, his friend, Margaret, and Mike came in and saw just Ruth and me at the table.

“Where’s Lacey?” Jason asked.

“I think she went to the bathroom,” Ruth said. “The other little girl, your little sister went with her.”

“Oh, okay. We just came in for some drinks. How about you girls? Thirsty?”

I smiled and nodded and nodded at Ruth.

Ruth slowly nodded.

Jason put four drinks at our table, apple juice, so that the other two would have them there when they came back, and then he got the others a drink that had just come in. That finished the apple juice, but it seemed like he didn’t feel bad about it at all. He just wrote a note on the fridge probably for Aunt Susan.

When Jason turned back to look at me, and I was leaking again in my diaper, I saw the look on his face, and I knew he knew what I was doing.

“Margaret, be nice to Ruth for a few minutes until Jessica and Lacey get back,” he told his sister. “I need to have a word with Valana. Keith, would you sit at the table and watch the kids for a minute, please?”

His friend nodded and sat next to his sister.

I looked down and sheepishly followed him because I knew what he wanted to do really do. He caught me peeing my pants, and he was going to change me, but he was trying to make it so that I didn’t get embarrassed, telling Keith and Ruth what I did.

He put a hand on my shoulder as we walked up the stairs once we were away from the main group, he whispered to me. “I can go get my mom or I can change you, little cousin.”

“Can… can you get Aunt Susan?” I asked nervously, still a little on the scared side, even after these two weeks, to get permission for something I wanted. I couldn’t help it. It was because of….:

 

While Jason left the room, I felt the dark void dream coming back. I knew it was happening. I shook my head, I tried to slap myself, I tried to open my eyes further, anything to not remember.

“You think you just ask for anything you want after you disobey me, and you embarrass your family, and you ruin yet another pair of pants?” the dark figure loomed up over me. I couldn’t have been any older than six or seven. “Look at yourself! You shit your pants!”

I looked down. I was shaking. I was scared.

I felt his strong arms inches from grasping me, when the bedroom door came open, and light chased the void dream away.

I got up from where I had retreated and sat waiting for Aunt Susan, and I ran to her hugging her, glad she was there, and I felt myself fully peeing my pants, not just drizzling, but full on wetting. I was crying.

She reached down and picked me up a moment hugging me, but it was all she could do with her strength, and she had to let me back down on my feet. “It’s okay, Valana,” she told me. “It’s okay. You’re safe, sweetheart.”

She took me to the bed, and she helped me get on my back, so she could get to my soaked pants. I really peed this time. But Aunt was not mad at all. She smiled.

“Are you finished, sweetheart?”

I shrugged. I could never be sure if I was nor not.

“Well, before I take your diaper off, how about you try one little push for me to see if anything comes out?”

I nodded and tried to push, but nothing was in there that I could feel.

Satisfied after a moment that I was empty, Aunt Susan started to rip my pull up at the sides to take the soaked thing off of me. I was glad she was changing me so soon after I just flooded it. I don’t know why, but it feels a little easier to pee when Aunt Susan is near.

Aunt Susan got my wet diaper out of the way, and she reached down and pulled me to sitting again, and she hugged me. “Do you want to talk about what scared you?” she asked. It seemed she was not in a hurry to put a clean diaper on me. Maybe she wasn’t really sure I was finished wetting. I didn’t blame her. I couldn’t even be sure I was done.

I shook my head no, not wanting to invite the dark void dreams again. I hated everything to do with the dark figure in those dreams, or anything even related to that time in my life. I don’t know why I still remember that stuff, or why it haunts me. I have a good life now, with daddy Carl and mommy, and now even Aunt Susan and Uncle Scott are not bothered by my immature problems.

Aunt Susan pulled me into her lap. I thought that was a little bit careless of her given that she had no diaper on me yet, and I could leak some pee at any moment.

“Sweetheart, you need to open up to someone, and tell us what is bothering you.”

I shrugged. Wasn’t it obvious that I was just scared of the old dark figure and of messing up and either making someone else become the dark figure, or maybe causing someone else to have the same pains I had received earlier in life?

Aunt Susan brushed a strand of my hair behind my ear. She held me, and she whispered. “I know that you do seem scared of certain things, but I wish I knew more about how to make life less scary for you, baby.”

I shrugged. I didn’t supposed it was even possible. The dark void dreams always came when I least wanted them, and normally when I was alone with my thoughts. They were sometimes triggered by things I wasn’t supposed to do, or by what someone said or did, or sometimes, just by nothing at all.

I leaned back in Aunt Susan with a sigh. While she was here, I felt safe. It seemed that the dark void couldn’t penetrate her severe personality. While it was used for so long to judge my mom, and make us uneasy, at the moment it seemed to make the dark void uneasy and kept it at bay.

I looked up at her smiling. I loved sitting with her.

After a little while, Aunt Susan decided that I was finished with my waters for the time being.

“Well, I think you are done. Let’s get you a diaper on, and then we can put a clean skirt on you, sweetheart.”

I nodded.

 

Upon reentering the kitchen in a blue skirt and pink top, I saw Margaret sitting with Lacey and Ruth, and Margaret had been talking:

“I don’t know everything because I don’t think Valana…,” and Margaret froze in her speaking as she saw me. Her mouth was still open as she looked at me, her hands in her lap and her legs together under the table. Ruth was hanging on everything she said, and Lacey was looking down at her lap.

I frowned. Was she talking about me? Did she tell Ruth why Jason took me upstairs. I thought she wasn’t going to tell anyone on me. I blushed. I should have known better than to trust her. Ever since this trip started, she had found new ways to torture me, and worse, to torture Lacey! I turned on my heel and ran back up the stairs crying.

 

“I told you, didn’t I?” the dark voice was in my head as I ran into Jason’s bedroom slamming the door. “You never trust what I tell you, and then you get yourself into worse trouble. Do you really think you are going to have friends while you sit there and piss and shit your pants?”

I looked down with a tear running down my cheek.

“You don’t try hard enough, and now, you are being completely lazy. By the time you are in middle school, everyone will be calling you a baby. If you are lucky, they will ignore you, and no one will pay you any mind at all, but you won’t have any friends. You’ll just have a messy diaper to accompany you. Is that what you want?”

I shook my head no.

“You pottied your pants again. You caused trouble for your aunt…,” but the word aunt should have actually been called mother because that’s who the voice always said I made trouble to. I wonder why it now included aunt?”

“Do you want your aunt to get embarrassed, and then start spanking Lacey because you are teaching Lacey to be bad in front of Lacey?”

I shook my head no.

“Maybe you’d like your Uncle Scott to teach Margaret a lesson for being mean to you?” the figure said.

I looked down. I was mad at her for telling Ruth about me. I don’t know everything they talked about, but they had no right to talk behind my back. Now, Ruth was going to hate me, and I’ll be friendless even here. Margaret would make sure I had no friends, it seemed. I wondered if she was making fun of my little sister. Lacey seemed to have her head down when I was down there.

“Lacey wasn’t hurt,” the dark figure said in my ear. “She was in on it. She had her head down because you caught her. She’s always been against you since she found out you are only her half sister. She doesn’t love you. She is mad at you because you cause people to think she’s not toilet trained like yourself.”

I started to feel tears running down both cheeks.

“Lacey knows I’m not doing that on purpose,” I whimpered at the dark voice.

“Are you sure? Why was she looking down while Margaret made fun of you to Ruth?”

“I don’t know!” I screamed out and wiped my tears fiercely off of my blushing cheeks.

There was a knock at the door, and the dark figure hovered over me. “Who is out there now? Is it your aunt? Is she going to come in and yell at you for screaming? You know I’ve told you a hundred times that after the age of six, screaming just gets on people’s nerves. You never listen to me, do you? Now, she’s going to come in here with a belt….”

I shivered as the door parted open. I covered my head, scared that it was Uncle Scott with the belt. Even if it was Aunt Susan, it would probably hurt.

“Valana?” Margaret’s voice was soft and cautious.

I peeked my head over a part of the blanket I still had ready to completely cover my head with.

“Valana, it’s okay,” Margaret told me as she walked in. “Ruth is here. She’s crawling because she can’t get her wheelchair up the stairs. She’s taken a long time and a lot of hard work to get to you. Can’t you at least listen to what she wants to say?”

I pulled the blanket down a little so I could see them with my eyes. Ruth was on the floor, pulling herself through the door using only her hands. Her legs didn’t seem to help at all.

When the girl got herself in the room, and was sitting on the floor, her legs nearly behind her, and she was panting from the exertion, I sighed and pulled the blanket all the way down. The room I was in smelled like pee, I thought. It might have even smelled like the other. She could likely see some stains on the floor, and the other bed that had no blankets on it at all had a plastic sheet out for all to see. She would surely, by now, know my full shame.

“Valana,” Ruth looked up to me once she caught her breath. “I’m sorry. I was just asking about you because you seemed so scared when Jason took you from the table.”

“So? What did Margaret tell you?”

“Only that you have to be kept an eye on because you have been hurt bad. Only that Jason makes sure you see your aunt or uncle when you need them, and sometimes, he helps you when you are upset.”

“Margaret told you…,” I accused them. “And you know, and you’re going to tell everyone else.”

“Tell everyone what?” Ruth asked. “What could I possibly tell anyone that is worse than what I do?”

I looked down at the floor. The girl’s diaper was sort of sticking out of her pants in back, and she was still not fully sitting up. It seemed getting up the stairs and getting to this room so quickly, was a lot more exerting than anything that Valana had ever done herself. The girl still looked out of breath.

“Well, what did Margaret tell you?”

“I told you, that Jason has to watch you when your uncle and aunt aren’t around because you have some difficult problems.”

I sighed.

“I have problems, too,” Ruth told me. “Did you know that I pee my pants a lot just because I don’t find someone to help me?”

I shook my head no.

“Well, I do. It’s hard to not be able to walk, and stuff, and anyway, my point is I’m not going to make fun of you. I know how embarrassing it is.”

“What did Margaret tell you?”

“She just told me, because I asked, that you have something emotional and something else wrong that was caused by you getting hurt really bad.”

I sighed.

“I’m sorry, cousin. I told her because she was asking if you were okay, and so I thought that if she knew a little bit more, maybe you’d be really good friends.”

“You… you thought telling her would make her my friend?”

Margaret nodded.

“Well, most people just laughed at me and called me a baby when they were told I was doing it cause I’m emotional and because I have been hurt a long time ago that has nothing to do with today.”

“But I didn’t say it has nothing to do with today. I told her the doctor says your kidneys are bad. One is already gone, and the other one is getting in trouble.”

“You told her my kidneys are bad?”

“Yeah, because I wanted her to know that you are not wetting on purpose. I told her that it embarrasses and that it scares you to pee your pants. And so, I did tell her someone used to hit you for wetting your pants, so wetting does scare you like really bad.”

“I thought you weren’t going to tell anyone that I pee my pants at all.”

“I’m sorry. I wasn’t going to, but she saw the back of your butt, and it was wet from when Jason took you, and she said you peed your pants at her house the first day, so she knew you had a problem and asked me why you pee your pants.”

“I’m sorry,” Ruth said. “I meant to just understand. I didn’t want to hurt your feelings, and I know how embarrassing it is. I told you, I have to have someone take me to the toilet, so if no one can, then I pee my pants, so I know how embarrassing it is.”

I frowned and looked at them for a minute, but there was only guilt and sorrow in their faces. Maybe my cousin was trying to make sure that Ruth didn’t misunderstand, and maybe Ruth was just concerned that I pee myself, and wanted to know how bad the problem was.

“I pee my pants all the time,” I finally told Ruth. “I can’t use the toilet even when I’m taken to the toilet.”

“You can’t?”

“I… I go some, because I really want to, but it doesn’t all come out like it’s meant to. It takes forever, and then I feel like I don’t have to go, but then later, I peed my pants some, and a little later, some more, and maybe again a little more until eventually I’m wet, but it takes a long long time to pee in a toilet or in my pants.”

Ruth looked down. “At least I finish faster than that. It must be really hard at school.”

I nodded. “I just pee my pants at school, and eventually, I know I’m all wet, but I’m too scared to go see the nurse because of bullies, so I wear my wet diaper all day and get it changed by my mom when I get home.”

Ruth nodded. “I do the same at school. Kids already make fun of me for peeing my pants, so I don’t like seeing the nurse because then they’ll know I peed, so I just avoid the nurse and pee my pants once or twice completely at school, and sometimes, I get it on my pants.”

I nodded and sniffled. She did understand what it felt like then, if she was telling the truth, and I doubted she had a reason to lie. She could just ask to see the nurse and pee in the toilet, if she just needed help getting to the bathroom. So, she must have trouble holding it, too.

“I haven’t wet my pants at school,” Margaret told us both. “But I peed my pants at church today, remember, Valana? It was embarrassing, but I can’t explain why I did it.”

I nodded and looked at Ruth.

Ruth looked at her funny. “I thought you were one of the kids in the neighborhood that was always making fun of me because you might see me at the park, and sometimes, I had peed in pants in my wheelchair?”

“I’m sorry about that. Yeah, I was part of that, but I’m going to ask some of those girls, the ones I’m friends with, to lay off you. I know how embarrassing it is now.”

“Well, can I ask you why you peed your pants at church?”

“Um…, no, I don’t want her to talk about it,” I said.

“Why?” Ruth and Margaret both looked at me.

“Because I don’t want Margaret to feel shame and fear,” I told them both. “There are some things that people don’t understand, and that could make you mean to her especially since she was mean to you. She’s my cousin. I don’t want her to feel that shame. Just talk about something else, please?”

Margaret came over and hugged me.

Ruth looked at us both, trapped there on the floor, and we both went over to her to hug her, and then I smelled her. She had peed her pants. I didn’t say anything though, and Margaret didn’t either.

“Let’s get Ruth back down to her chair,” I told Margaret who nodded.

As I opened the door, so that Margaret and I could try to help Ruth get down there, I saw Aunt Susan about to knock and check on me.

“What’s going on in here?” she asked us.

“Oh, um, Ruth needed to talk to Valana really bad because of a misunderstanding, and because I told Ruth that Valana had been hurt bad, but Valana only caught the part where I was finished talking, and I said I didn’t know everything. She guessed I told Ruth that she pees her pants.”

“But Margaret didn’t tell me she pees her pants,” Ruth told my aunt. “I saw a big wet patch on her when she went up with Jason, and I also knew she peed her pants at my house last week, so I just asked if she was okay to Margaret, and so Margaret told me about why I saw that she peed her pants. She was hurt and that she has emotional problems from getting hurt, and that she has bad kidneys.”

Aunt Susan frowned. “Well, it sounds like you know everything Margaret knows about it.”

Margaret looked down. “I only wanted her to understand so she wouldn’t think that Valana wasn’t doing it on purpose, and hoping that she still wanted to be Valana’s friend.”

“Well, how did you get up here, honey?” Aunt Susan asked Ruth.

“I crawled up the stairs on my butt, and I pulled myself down the hall on my arms. My legs don’t work.”

“You really wanted to talk to Valana, then, didn’t you?”

“She was upset. I wanted her to know I was never going to be mean about what I found out, and that I still wanted to be friends. I know what it’s like to lose friends because you can’t… because… because…,” and she sniffled.

“She’s peed her pants, mom,” Margaret told. “I don’t think she meant to, but she explained that she needs help to get on a toilet, and I guess there was just no one that could held her get on a toilet.”

Aunt Susan went over to her and checked her over. “Your pants are not wet, honey.”

“I wet my diaper.”

“Well, if that’s all, then I have a solution, sweetheart. But I’ll need help to get you on the bed. Do you mind if I call for someone to pick you up for me?”

Ruth sniffled but shook her head.

“Margaret, go get your dad, honey. He should be in the living room now, watching TV. If anyone gets nosy, just say Valana needs help.”

Margaret ran off.

Aunt Susan and I stayed with Ruth.

“Sweetheart, how about this,” Aunt Susan told her. “How about I talk to your mom, and from now on, when you come to my house, you bring an extra change of clothes in case you need it, and I have plenty of diapers because of both Valana and Lacey. Lacey is in better condition than Valana, but she still needs them at night. So, what if I changed your diapers when you come and visit, and if you get some pee on your pants from wetting, then if you bring some extras, then we can change those too?”

Ruth looked up at us as I nodded.

“Is it okay if Valana brings extra diapers and clothes with her to my house and lets my mom help her if she wets her pants?” she asked.

“That is up to Valana,” Margaret told her. “I will be okay with it as long as Valana doesn’t get nervous or scared about it.”

“Why would she be scared about it?”

“Valana?” Aunt Susan sighed. “It’s your problem. How much can I tell her, sweetheart?”

“Do you mean about me being… nervous… and can’t use the toilet?” I asked.

“Yes, baby. She wants her mom to change you, but with as nervous as you are, it might help her to understand why you’d be scared to let her mom help you.”

“I… I mean, if he is going to hurt me for telling you anyway, he’s already going to hurt me. I guess you can tell her. If you think it will help me not get hit.”

Aunt Susan frowned. “You know what, I think I’ll just wait and tell her mom about it, honey. There’s no point in scaring all your friends, right?”

I nodded.

“She gets scared of being changed?” Ruth asked.

“Believe me, once your mom knows why, I’m sure she won’t want you to know all the details either, baby. There is a horrible story to all this, and it’s better to just not think about it, okay?”

Margaret came in with Uncle Scott.

“Their little friend can’t get up on the bed on her own, and she needs her diaper changed, honey. Can you lift her up for me, and then when I’m done changing her, I’ll send Margaret for you again so you can take her down to her wheelchair?”

“Oh,” he said as he picked Ruth up with a nod. “I wondered who that wheelchair belonged to. Of course I’d be happy to help anyone who is a friend of either Margaret or Valana.”

“She’s my friend,” I said. “But I hope Margaret and she want to be friends, too.”

Margaret blushed as she looked at her. “I really am sorry for being mean to you until now. I was awful to you.”

“I comes with my problems,” Ruth said. “I don’t necessarily blame you. You were just acting like a normal kid. Normal kids always laugh at me for not getting to the toilet on my own, and for not running with everyone, and other stuff. But honestly, I like it better when they laugh at me than the others who look at me with pity because I can’t do what they do. Somehow, it hurts more when they feel sorry for me just because of my legs, but then they won’t play with me normally in other ways that I really can still play like a normal kid.”

Margaret nodded. “Like when we were playing cards?”

“And she can play basketball,” I told Margaret. “But you just have to do it with different rules a little bit so it’s fair.”

Margaret nodded, and now Ruth was on the bed with just plastic, on Mike’s bed, and Uncle Scott left the room. I took Margaret’s hand and pulled her out of the room so that Ruth could have a little privacy.

“What?” Margaret asked when I got her out of the room.

“Well, do you like it when someone watches you get changed, especially if your dad changes you?”

Margaret blushed. “No one has really watched.”

“Because your parents wouldn’t let them. They know it’s embarrassing to be changed by someone else.”

Margaret nodded. “Oh, okay.”

“We can just wait outside the door, so Ruth doesn’t feel funny us watching her getting changed.”

 

It was bedtime, and I had had a long day with learning that Margaret wore a diaper to church, Ruth came to our house and learned that I have problems, and I learned that she’s had her share of emotional problems because of how others treat her so differently just because of the wheelchair, and her being unable to use the toilet without help, and now, learning that she didn’t even think I was a freak for being scared all the time.

Aunt Susan was helping us into our night diapers and pajamas, and she suddenly turned to me, and she asked me. “How much does Lacey know about you being scared, honey?”

Lacey is the one that answered though because I just shrugged.

“She has these memories that come at her sometimes, and they make her so scared that she stands there, shaking and looking helpless, and she can barely move her chin, like she is trying to talk, and then she squats down putting her hands over her head and back, like she used to when my dad said she was bad and had a belt.”

I didn’t know that I was so obvious to my sister when she saw it, nor did I really realize that she remembered him hitting me.

“He used to hit her before she peed her pants, Aunt Susan. Before, when she was peeing in the toilet. But the more he hit her, I think, it made her more and more scared to get to the toilet, until she peed her pants when he hit her, and then started to pee her pants if he hit her or he didn’t, and then now, she just can’t control it anymore.”

Aunt Susan sat on the bed between us. “So, you are remembering a lot of bad stuff, still,” she looked at me expectantly. “Is that because my brother hits you, too?”

I shook my head no, and so did Lacey.

“Daddy Carl never even picks up the belt even if Valana or me do something really really bad,” Lacey told our aunt. “One time, I got scared and bit daddy. I don’t know why, but I remember how my dad hit Valana for… I think I peed on him or something, so I got scared and bit him to get away.”

“Yeah, I remember that,” I told our aunt. “Daddy looked at Lacey surprised and a little bit upset, but she was shaking and she ran behind me, and I got ready to fight him, and he saw me peeing my pants when I was getting ready to fight him because he a man, and I know he could easily just throw me. I think it was the first year he lived with us. He looked at Lacey shaking behind me, and he saw me, I think I was crying, and I was kicking my feet at him….”

“What did he do?” I had paused so of course Aunt Susan was interested in knowing the outcome.

“He backed off from me, and he gave me a sad pout with his lower lip. Then he asked me. ‘Why are you trying to kick me?’ and ‘Why did Lacey bite me?’ and I just stood there, looking up at him, and then I remembered, he never hit us when I peed my pants at the table, and he just waited for me to think, and then I said I was sorry. I turned to Lacey and I asked her if she was scared, and she nodded and was still shaking. And then I told him, she peed on him. He smiled and said that accidents happen. She doesn’t have to be scared because of an accident. And then he just waited, I think until bed time when we finally talked it over and decided he wasn’t going to hit us, and Lacey crawled in his lap again, and hugged him, and said she was sorry.”

We both looked up at her.

“So you got hit for peeing in your pants often when you were little?” Aunt Susan asked us.

“More Valana than me,” Lacey said. “I was allowed to use the bathroom at home almost anytime I wanted without asking, and even if I wet my pants, sometimes, because I did, daddy blamed Valana for giving me a bad example because she peed and … um… did that other in hers.”

Aunt Susan nodded. “But Valana, you get scared, even now, and if my brother doesn’t hit you…?”

I shrugged. “No one hits me. No one hits Lacey. But I am always scared someone will. And then, sometimes, when I know something bad happened. When I know I would have gotten hit before, sometimes, I see him.”

“You see Lacey’s father?”

I nodded. “I mean, not for real, but when I see him, he is like real to me. I get really scared, and he says stuff that makes me really scared and I know I’m going to get hit, and I’m afraid Lacey will get hit because Uncle Scott, Daddy Carl, and you are not her daddy, I mean, like, her daddy. So maybe if someone gets mad at her enough or tired of her bed wetting or her… I don’t know, making noise, that she will get the belt on the legs, she will get knocked off a swing, she will get beaten and at first, she won’t know why or what she did wrong. So I always have to protect her and tell her to do strange things to make sure no one gets mad at her.”

“You see this man when you dream?” Aunt Susan asked.

“I see anytime,” I shrugged. “I saw him just before Margaret and Ruth came in to talk to me. I see him when I know I did something wrong, or when I think Lacey did something that people might get tired of, and he is always reminding me, don’t relax. Don’t let Lacey make you mad. Don’t leave her alone with anyone. Watch her because even if she doesn’t know what she did, it won’t stop someone being mad and hitting her.”

Aunt Susan pulled me to her side. “And this thing you see, it makes you feel this way?”

I nodded.

“But you know your Uncle and I are not going to hit Lacey or you, don’t you?”

I nodded.

“Do you?” she asked me as though somehow she guessed I had doubts.

“I… I mean, I do…, but sometimes, especially when I hear the sounds of the dark void dreams, the ones that are like daydreams, but they are scary, I worry I’m trusting you too much, and I am the one that can protect my sister.”

I shivered. Did I say too much? Will Aunt Susan get mad and hit me? I hope she hits me and not Lacey.

Aunt Susan hugged me. “I think it’s time to get you some counseling, baby.”

“Is that like seeing a crazy doctor because I’m crazy and stupid?” I asked her.

“It’s nothing like that,” she told me. “It’s a doctor to help me process what has happened to me. You don’t have to be crazy to be hurt so bad that you need help to process that hurt. Your mom and dad should have taken you to the hospital a long time ago about your physical issues, and likewise, they should have taken you to see a doctor to help you process things, honey.”

I looked down. “It’s not mommy’s fault. Don’t be mad. She is trying to make sure we don’t get hit again. She is telling us to do what will keep us from getting hurt, and keep daddy Carl from getting mad enough to get tired and to start using the belt on us.”

“You think your mommy thinks that Daddy Carl will get tired of you and hit you?” Aunt Susan asked me.

I nodded. She tries so hard to protect us. She tries really hard not to use the toilet at all in front of him, and I’ve seen her, cooking, and bouncing, and I knew what she was doing, the potty dance because I used to do that all the time before I got used to just peeing my pants, and with Carl being okay with it, only I still get scared to pee my pants at the table or in certain places. I don’t want to embarrass him or to make things dirty. I want to show him I’m a good girl.

“If your mommy thinks that, then she needs help, too, baby. I’m certain my brother would never hit her for anything.”

“Not even peeing her pants?” I finally admitted to myself that mom does, even now, still, pees her pants. I know it wasn’t her fault, but saying she did it, I felt like… well, she was the adult that protected me. Admitting she pees her pants makes me a little more scared. It means she can’t protect me anymore than I can really protect Lacey. She wants to, and I want to protect Lacey, but in the end, we are powerless, and that leaves Lacey vulnerable. “I don’t care if I do get hurt, I’m never letting Uncle Scott use a belt on Lacey,” I told Aunt Susan.

“Your daddy that you have right now, and your uncle will never ever use a belt on you girls,” Aunt Susan told me kissing my head. “Your daddy loves you, and your uncle knows that you’ve been through a lot, and he looks at you as if you are his nieces. We don’t care that I used to think your mom just married my brother for some reason that was not good. I don’t anymore, by the way, but even when I did, your uncle has always said that my brother chose to marry your mom, and we needed to respect his decision. Then he would tell me, besides, every time I’m mean to their mom, your mom, I’m taking it out on children.”

I looked down.

“I was as wrong with your mom as Margaret was with you when we started the vacation this year, baby. I admit that. She is a victim, too. Even if I didn’t like some of the stuff she did, hearing your words and what you think you had to do, I’m starting to understand why she didn’t potty train you even after you got away.”

I looked up at her. “You think she didn’t potty train me on purpose, still?”

“Yes, baby, only the reason she chose not to has become much more clear. She thought if you were not potty trained, then maybe she could take the blame if Carl got mad, and it might make him hit her, and be mean to her for not potty training you instead of hitting you for accidents.”

“Only, I used to be potty trained.”

Aunt Susan nodded. “Key word, used to, before bad things happened to you, sweetheart. It’s not your fault, and I don’t want you worrying about being potty trained right now. I don’t want Lacey to worry about wetting the bed right now. I want you both to feel safe first.”

I nodded and took a breath.

Once Aunt Susan had us in pajamas and our diapers, she took us down the hall to the bathroom, and she helped Lacey pull her diaper down so she could sit on the toilet. Lacey started to drizzle, much like I do. She doesn’t wait as long between her drizzles, but she does have trouble peeing all at once. Aunt Susan shook her head each time my little sister stopped her stream and then it started again.

“Still not able to just push a continuous stream, are you, baby?” she asked Lacey.

Lacey looked down.

“It’s okay, honey. You just need some encouragement and some help. I’ll support you, baby.”

Then she put me on the toilet. I got tears in my eyes. “Aunt Susan, I never finish in the potty,” I told her starting to shake.

“I know, sweetheart. I know. Just try to go a little bit, baby.”

I nodded, and I sat there until I drizzled a little bit. I stopped, but Aunt Susan took her time reaching for the toilet paper for me, and by the time she went to pull some off, I drizzled again. I drizzled three times before Aunt Susan took me off the toilet and helped me redress.

“Don’t worry if you pee some more in your diaper, soon, baby. I know you can’t help it, and that you are not done. You probably only half emptied your bladder, but I had to see if I could help you go.”

I nodded and she took us back to bed. We laid down, and soon I was sleeping.

[Night Rain]

Will Lacey's dad show up for real or will we only see him in flashbacks?

[Ishigreensa]

5 hours ago, Night Rain said:

Will Lacey's dad show up for real or will we only see him in flashbacks?

I dare not answer that right now.

[Ishigreensa]

Chapter 13

The Birthday Surprise

Chapter 13

The Birthday Surprise

 

The dark air around me felt cold, and I was sure that a certain presence was around. I shivered. I felt the shaking small hands of my little sister behind me. I heard pee pouring down her pants and hitting the tile floor. The dark figure didn’t really punish her, so badly, but the figure still scared her. She shook behind me. I felt my pants were already sticky and wet. I was going to get it, but that couldn’t be helped. I’d get it anyway.

I kept between the figure coming for us, only when I looked up, it wasn’t Lacey’s father! It was daddy. I shook a little bit as I looked up at him. I was uncomfortable. I felt something of a lump in my butt. I think I did the other in my pants. I couldn’t think about that though. I had to keep Lacey protected. I had to make sure he hit me, not Lacey.

“Honey?” My mom called at him from behind. “What’s wrong?”

“Your daughters made a mess,” daddy told her.

“Honey, are you going to hit them?”

“No,” daddy said. “I just want Valana to come to me. She smells worse. I think she’s sh…”

“Please, don’t say that word in front of her. It scares her.” But mom’s voice betrayed her. It didn’t just scare me, it scared mom, too. “I… I can clean them up,” my mom said.

“Honey, don’t you want your girls to get use to me?” daddy asked her.

“It’s going to take time, sweetheart. They’ve been through a lot, especially Valana. You can’t expect her not to pee her pants.”

“I am not expecting that, ho…,” and he paused as he seemed to turn around and look at her. I felt the air change. There was sudden concern from him towards mom. I ran over and held Lacey while daddy took mom to another room.

 

The scene shifted in my sleep. I felt darkness again, and I felt scared. I felt myself laying in a toddler bed, though I was a little big for it. My feet were almost at the foot board while My head was nearly on the head rail. My pillow was actually over the head rail. I was soaked under me, and I was peeing my pants again. I was awake. I think I was around eight years old, maybe?

The bedroom light came on, but I still couldn’t see the dark figure’s face. I completely blocked out of my mind what Lacey’s father used to look like. I am glad though. I don’t want to remember. I shook looking up at the dark figure, knowing what was going to happen. He had a belt. It rose high in the air….

 

The scene shifted again. I was in sixth grade, in school, in class, and I was wiggling my legs. I shivered a little bit, and I slowly rose my hand about chest high, and put a finger up. The teacher was taking forever to notice. Maybe it was because I was too scared to raise my hand any higher. I had already told her I thought I’d be late for class that time, and she said if I was, I’d be marked late, and I was scared of that, so I went to my desk instead of the toilet. I sat there, wiggling, hoping that this time, she would know I needed to go. It was the first time I was ever scared to pee at school.

“Yes?” the teacher finally acknowledged me.

“Please, Miss, I really need to go to the bathroom,” I said softly.

“Young lady, you sat there talking to your friends before class. You should have gone then,” she said to me. Did she forget what happened before class started? I was too scared to remind her though. “You can wait until class is over.”

I wiggled and fidgeted for a little while, but then I started to squirt and then squirt, and then a little drizzled, and then a while later some more drizzled, and about fifteen minutes before the bell, I drizzled the last of it in my pants. I felt my face heat up as though it was on fire. I shook. I felt like everyone was staring at me, that they all knew the floor around me had a lake on it, that my pants were soaked, that I had been bad again. I wasn’t with Lacey’s dad, but still, would daddy hit me for peeing my pants in school and embarrassing him? He probably would. The teacher saw the lake five minutes before the end of the bell, and I heard her start to yell at me, everyone looking at me. I started to cry as the dream ended.

Monday

June 21

I woke up, crying, and I felt pee gushing into my diaper. It wasn’t a normal drizzle. It was gushing, and even if I tried, I couldn’t slow it down to stop it until I was completely soaked, and the bed under me was filled in a lake, wetting all over my little sister who was curled up next to me with a hand over my stomach. I felt bad. I peed all over her, and couldn’t stop it even just long enough to get away from her. Her pajamas were soaked because of me, but then, I felt pee coming from under her, and she started to leak into the bed too. Did I make her do that by peeing on her? Probably.

Lacey woke up and started to sit up, pee still coming out uncontrollably from under her. She looked at me, and though it was dark in the room, I could tell she was emotional. She was shaking and I felt like she was going to cry. I pulled her all the way into my wet lap, her lying on top of me, and faced each other as she finished peeing on me.

“Sorry,” Lacey sniffled as I held her.

“Sorry?” I asked her. “I peed on you first, little sis. It’s okay.”

She hugged me.

I was still crying and we laid, her on top of me for a few minutes, both of us crying a little bit. The bedroom door opened, and turning, I saw Aunt Susan.

“Are you two okay?” she asked turning on the light.

The blankets had fallen away, and she could see my sister’s soaked butt in the air as she lay on me, and we both were blushing hot red, and were still crying. She walked over and sat at the edge of the bed, and put a hand on my sister’s wet back. The pee had wet her all the way to mid back. My mid back was wet, too.

“I peed really bad,” I sniffled at Aunt Susan.

“Me, too,” Lacey told her.

“Well, of course you did,” Aunt Susan rubbed my sister on her wet back. “I thought I got here earlier this morning for you, but I guess it wasn’t early enough.”

“It wouldn’t have been anyway,” I said my face glowing red, I think, because it felt on fire with shame. “I peed all over her in my sleep.”

Aunt helped her off of me, and took stock of the puddle around me. “Oh dear,” she said as she seemed to confirm that I peed really bad. But then she helped me stand up, and I noticed something else about the pee. It was a little bit a different color. I felt my face get several shades more fiery.

“It’s okay, Valana. This was bound to happen with your problems, sweetheart. Didn’t you count the days from your last time?”

I whispered. “I lost count.”

“Well, with everything happening, it’s no wonder, sweetheart.”

“Are you mad?”

“No, baby. Even if you were correctly potty trained, there is no way you can prevent this. It’s not your fault. The fact that you have potty trouble just makes it look worse than it is, sweetheart.”

She pulled me towards her, and hugged me. “We’ll put you in a thicker diaper for today, sweetheart.”

I nodded.

Aunt Susan helped me first this morning, getting my icky wet and messy diaper off of me. It didn’t have the other in it, but I don’t want to talk about it. She just cleaned up my mess on me a little bit, and then she undressed my wet and messy top and then led me to the bathroom naked. I was a little embarrassed to walk in the hallway naked, but I would have been more mortified if I had to walk to the bathroom the way my pajamas looked. Aunt must have known. She let Lacey walk in her wet clothes to the bathroom, and then she started a bath for us while she undressed Lacey.

While Lacey got into the bath, she put me on the toilet. “Try to pee, sweetheart,” Aunt Susan told me. “Just in case you still have some inside, sweetheart. I still don’t want you holding it, and we don’t want you getting the bath peed in, do we?”

I shook my head no, and sat down on the toilet for Aunt Susan. She rubbed my back while I tried to pee. It was soothing, but no pee came out. After probably five minutes? Maybe it was only two or three, but she helped me up and put me in the bath with Lacey. We were being washed.

There was a light knock on the door, and then it opened and I heard Uncle’s voice. “You helping the little nieces?” he asked without showing his face.”

“Yes, honey. Oh, I forgot, you want a shower, don’t you?”

“Well, yeah, I have to go to work today.”

“Well, honey, I’m sorry, but can you give us fifteen minutes. There was a bit of a bigger problem today.”

“Oh, did one of the little ones shit herself? Do you need some help?”

“No, honey, but for Valana, it could be almost as embarrassing. Just let me have fifteen minutes.”

“Alright, but that is the limit. I need time, too, honey.”

“I know. I’ll be as fast as I can.”

He walked away.

I looked up at Aunt. “You could have chased us back to the bedroom?” I offered.

“No, baby. You are already naked and in the bath, and you need to be cleaned up. He’ll be okay.”

I looked down. Things would definitely not have gone that way with the dark figure of my dreams. Mom would definitely have to let him come in, and he’d have laughed at the way my pajamas were, only they weren’t on the floor this time. Aunt left them in my room. I hope the boys don’t go in there right now. It’s their room. They’d have the right, but my messy clothes are still on the bed with everything right there. It would be so embarrassing if Jason, but also even if Mike saw what happened in my sleep.

Aunt Susan got us both washed, and she put a towel around me for decency and she put one around Lacey, too, and she carried Lacey while she held my hand, taking us back to the bedroom. The pajamas were still there, on the edge of the bed, the wet and bled through legs showing to the world, and my diaper plopped on the floor, the wet yellow and pink-red inside it smelling badly. I felt my face heat up again.

Aunt Susan saw me look and blush, and she took my hand. “I don’t want you to think about those things,” she turned my head away from where I was looking and towards her eyes lifting my chin to do so with her index finger. “I’ll take care of those things in a minute, but let’s get you in a clean diaper first, baby.”

I nodded. “But I can take my own pajamas down and wash them out.”

“No, sweetheart. Aunt Susan will do that because I want to make sure to get the stains out, and if a thirteen year old already knows how to do that, then you’ve not really been able to be a child, sweetheart.”

I just looked down. Children don’t wet themselves all the time. I’m worse than a child. I’m a baby.

She unfolded a diaper, meant for Lacey at night, actually, but it was big enough, or could be adjusted big enough, so that it fit under me. Then she put a couple of thick pads in it, and poked some holes in the first pad. Then she put some lotion on me, and she powdered me before she closed up the diaper.

“You’re just going to wet your pants anyway,” she told me. “So don’t worry about the toilet today. We don’t want to deal with trying to keep you from leaking while you are having your period,” she told me.

I nodded.

“The diaper will help keep the pee out of view, and as soon as you feel like you’ve wet your diaper completely, come and ask me for a change. I’ll do your changes today, so if I’m busy, just wait for me. You don’t want your uncle or Jason changing you while you are dealing with this, sweetheart.”

I smiled and nodded. She was right. I like Jason, but letting him see me pee my pants, and do this, too, would be too much. It was just so dirty and it was so emotional. I couldn’t deal with it if he was to change me today.

Once Aunt Susan had me in a diaper, and it was really thick, not only because Lacey’s night diapers are thick anyway, but with the two thick pads, and actually a third one that smelled like lavenders in there, it was so thick, I wondered if I could actually move.

I was then put in a skirt and a green top, the skirt coming all the way to my knees. Aunt Susan said this would help me from being noticed I had a diaper on. Then it was Lacey’s turn to get put in panties. I noticed that Aunt did put a pad in her panties.

“Just in case you leak on the way to the toilet,” Aunt Susan told her.

Finally, after Lacey was put in a pair of jeans and a yellow t-shirt, Aunt Susan picked up our messy clothes and diapers, and left the room. I knew she’d be back to clean the plastic sheets on both beds because I accidentally peed and leaked on Mike’s bed, too when I was being changed.

We went downstairs, and saw Uncle Scott going up to get his shower. I looked down. “Sorry for making you wait, Uncle.”

He just patted my head. “That’s alright, sweetheart.”

In the kitchen, I saw that Jason and Mike were already awake.

I looked down.

“Did you wet the bed again?” Mike asked me, but Jason thumped him on the head. “How about a good morning?” he chastised Mike. “You don’t have to bring it up all the time. Mom keeps our room smelling fresh, and our beds are protected, so lay off her on that.”

“I wasn’t asking to be mean, sheesh,” Mike sounded upset that Jason thought he was just worried about it being dirty.

“Then why would your first words out your mouth, be accusing them of something we know they can’t help?”

“She just looked sad,” Mike said. “If she said yes, I was going to hug her and tell her it was okay.”

Jason nodded. “Then I’m sorry. But I’m supposed to be watching out for them when mom and dad are busy, so of course, I was worried you embarrassed her, Mike.”

He nodded. “Well, I’m sorry I embarrassed you.”

I smiled and looked down, my face a little hot. I was a little embarrassed, but I also felt like they really understood how I felt, too. I wish Jason didn’t thump Mike though. Even if Mike was going to be mean, hitting was hitting.

Jessica came downstairs next while Jason was pouring cereal for everyone. She ran over to Lacey and hugged her, and she said: “Happy Birthday!”

Both Lacey and I looked at her funny. I was wondering why she would say that. Lacey’s birthday was at the beginning of the month before they even came to get us. Why now?

Jessica looked down. “I just found out your birthday was this month,” she told us. “I saw it on mom’s calendar last night when we were talking. I got scared and was in her bedroom for a few minutes, and when I saw it, I asked, and she said you had a birthday earlier this month, and you just turned ten?”

Lacey looked down. “Yeah, I turned ten on the eighth.”

“I didn’t realize that I was technically a little older than you.”

Lacey blushed. “Yeah, I guess so.”

“My birthday is in April. So are you going to be in fourth grade next year?”

“No, fifth,” Lacey told our cousin. “I’m one of the youngest in our class every year.”

“Oh, okay. Anyway, Happy Birthday,” and then she gave Lacey a box. It wasn’t wrapped up pretty, but inside the box was this purple and white rabbit, and a little red-brown and white fox.

“Those are your toys,” Lacey told her.

“Not anymore! I don’t play with them that much, and they are still kind of new, so want to give them to you.”

“But if they are kind of new….”

“It’s okay, Lacey. I have lots of stuff. You seen my room! They aren’t exactly special, so honestly, I don’t mind. Please accept them?”

“Can I ask your mom if it’s okay first?”

“How come?”

“Because your mom is the one that bought them.”

Jessica smiled. “You are too cute. But you can ask her if you want, as long as I can tell her what I wanted to do, too.”

Lacey shrugged. “Okay.”

 

Margaret came down stairs eventually, and rubbing her eyes, she had something wrapped up in a box and a towel, and she put it in front of Lacey on her way to the table. “That’s for you. Happy Birthday.”

Lacey’s mouth dropped, and I’m not sure, but I think mine did, too. Jessica, maybe? Margaret was just starting to be nice though. Why would she care that Lacey recently had a birthday?

Lacey reached in, and she pulled out some beads, and then the whole set was soon revealed as she just tilted the box enough to show me inside. It was Margaret’s bracelet making set.

“I’ve used some of it,” Margaret admitted. “But I think there is still enough there for you to have fun with it for a little while.”

Lacey put the box down and ran around to her, and she hugged her. “Thank you!”

I smiled and lipped thank you to her, too, because it was the first real nice gesture I had seen from her towards my little sister.

 

When Aunt Susan eventually came down probably from cleaning up my sister’s mess and my bigger one, I was in the living room with Jason and Mike watching television. Margaret was outside with Jessica and Lacey. I figured that if Margaret was mean, and I doubted she would be, that Jessica would run in and tell on her.

“I need to go shopping in a while,” Aunt Margaret told Jason. “I’d like you to watch the younger children, but I need to take Valana with me.”

Jason nodded.

“Of course, we’ll pay you for babysitting.”

He nodded again, this time with a little smile.

“Remember to remind Lacey to use the bathroom at eleven, just in case she forgot, and check her pants. She’s wearing panties with some pads in them, so it won’t be hard to tell if she completely wet herself, but make her show you her pads, too, and change them if they are wet.”

Jason nodded.

“If she has completely soaked her pants or started to poop her pants, have her get a bath, too.”

He nodded. “Okay.”

I rose my hand a little bit to my chested and tried to speak up, but my voice was small. “Aunt Susan? Aunt? Um…. Excuse me? Aunt’s Susan?”

They finally realized I was trying to say something. I guess I get really quiet when I’m nervous about going against someone in charge.

“Yes, honey?” Aunt Susan looked at me.

“How come Lacey isn’t coming with us? I don’t like her being alone.”

“She won’t be alone, sweetheart, and Jason will take care of her. He won’t hurt her.”

I nodded. I kind of trusted him, as much as I could trust anyone, really. “But she’s still a girl, and he’s going to give her a bath?”

“Only if she really needs one, sweetheart. I already bathed her this morning, so only if she poops her pants or she wets enough to go through her pads and soak her pants.”

I looked down. “She uses the toilet, though.”

“You keep saying so, yes, honey.”

I dropped it.

 

When we were in the car, and I saw that Aunt Susan had a bag with her that was big enough, that I knew that there were extra diapers and probably even pants in there, I knew we were going to be a while. She didn’t talk until we had come to the first red light.

“So, Lacey had a birthday at the beginning of the month,” she told me. “Jessica asked me last night if we could have a party for her, and of course your uncle agreed on the spot. We are going to get her a cake, and I need your input to get her favorite, and we’ll get ice cream, and then I want you to help me get her a present. The kids showed me the toys they wanted to give her last night, and I agreed that they could do that, and I told them to show her in the morning, that way, you’d know what she was already getting so you could help me pick out a special present for her while we are out.”

I smiled. “Aunt Susan, her birthday was on the eighth, and I know you don’t think much of my mommy…,” but she cut me off.

“Baby, I’m sorry about before. I know it’s hard to forgive me, but please, I don’t blame your mommy anymore. I do believe she was doing the best she could with what was going on. I know she and your daddy gave her a party, sweetheart.”

I looked down. “Sorry.”

“It’s okay, sweetheart. I understand how much you feel like you have to protect your sister, and you have to make excuses for your mom. I know that a lot of things have been unfair to you and to your mom, and that I haven’t made that easy in the last couple of years.”

I looked up at her. “Well, mommy really did get in the way a lot more than you might think, and she got hit more than I did.”

“I know,” Aunt Susan told me. “I know. Your mom just had a difficult time with Lacey’s father.”

I nodded.

 

I felt the car grow quiet, and I felt a dark presence starting to seep in. The daylight dimmed and then darkened. The car felt like a prison. I wondered when the figure was going to be standing over me, and then like the sun, Aunt suddenly spoke and chased it away.

“Valana, does your sister like to do up her hair, still, you know, like little girls?”

I nodded. “She loves barrettes and ribbons and bows.”

“How about we get her some of those, not as the special present, but just so she can do up her hair tonight for her birthday party?”

I smiled and nodded. “She’d love that.”

“I know you’re thirteen, and please forgive me for asking you if you think it juvenile, but how do you feel about bows and stuff in your hair?”

“Oh, I still love it, though I’m a little more picky than my sister, so you don’t need to get me stuff.”

“Honey, I want to. Can I please spoil my little nieces? You didn’t bring any hair stuff with you, did you?”

I shrugged.

“Well? Can I please buy you at least something?”

I sighed. “You and uncle already bought us a millions things just for a little camping trip.”

“Honey, you need those things. They are not just for you to have fun with.”

“But you bought us some toys….”

“Yes, because sometimes, camping can get boring if you are not doing something especially at night. It’s for camping, though it will still be your stuff after the summer is over to do with as you like. But it’s for camping. I want to give you something, just because.”

I smiled. “I guess it will be okay. I just feel a little bit….”

“Scared?” Aunt Susan offered.

I nodded. “Lacey’s daddy….”

“Isn’t here,” she told me. “Your daddy that is with your mommy right now will not let him come back, baby. It will take a lot to get Lacey’s daddy withing fifty feet of you.”

I smiled. “I know.”

 

We got to the department store first, and Aunt Susan put her hand between my legs to check before we went in. I was a little surprised and I think I shook a little bit at first. “I just want to make sure you’re not wet when we start,” she told me. “It is uncomfortable to go around in wet pants for any length of time.”

I nodded. It definitely was.

Then she let me get out, and she came around to check that I shut the door good, and she walked with me to the store, but she left my big bag of stuff in the car. I suppose it was a little too much to carry around especially since we were getting more stuff.

We went about the store looking here and there until I was able to point out something that Lacey would really like. There was this electronics gadget that she had sometimes seen and wanted, but somehow, she never got. It was something where you had to use a lot of double A batteries, but it came with wires and other interesting pieces, that if you connected it in certain ways, you could make something like a radio, an alarm, and other interesting stuff. The set that Aunt got her was not the most expensive, but it was a middle of the row set.

“Are you sure?” Aunt asked me a few times. “This toy is very technical, and is basically for someone that understands electronics.”

“Yeah, I’m sure,” I told her. “I mean, I understand that it’s expensive, and I think mom was always worried that she wouldn’t really use it, so she always got her something else, but Lacey always looks at stuff like this when we are in a place like this. She has also taken some of our electronics apart trying to understand how they work.”

“Well, if she’s interested, then yeah, I guess we should get it for her,” Aunt Susan said.

We walked around the store some more, and Aunt stopped in a clothing place and had me looking at cute dresses and skirts for my little sister. I looked up at her.

“You don’t think your sister wants some new clothes?”

I shrugged. I knew she’d love some new cute things, but I felt so guilty. I just couldn’t believe that anyone would spend so much money on us except daddy that was with mommy now. I was so worried about staying with Aunt Susan at the beginning of all this, and I told mom and dad that Lacey and I would be fine in a motel room all day. I begged them thinking that Uncle Scott was scary because I didn’t know him, thinking that Aunt Susan would be strict, and would yell at Lacey for always wetting the bed, and that Margaret would always be getting us in trouble this summer with Aunt and Uncle. But now… I was glad that we were getting to know the real Uncle Scott and Aunt Susan, and I was even sort of glad I was starting to understand Margaret.

As we were looking at cute stuff, and my eyes gravitated me towards the most beautiful fiesta dress that I had ever seen, wondering how expensive it was, I wandered a little further from my aunt.

I was looking at the cute dress, and I felt the dark presence. “It’s not real. It’s not real. It’s not real,” I told myself over and over, rocking on my feet. “Aunt Susan!” I tried to yell, but somehow, I couldn’t feel the air escape my lungs. It was swallowed. A hand touched my shoulder. I shivered. Looking up, I saw the dark demon eyes of the man that had black scruffy face hair and brown eyes. His darker but white tone skin had seen plenty of sun, and he wore a tank top and worn blue jeans. His mouth was tight with the tension of a volcano about to pop its top. I felt water welling in my eyes as I stared up, for the first time in a couple of years, recognizing the face that tortured me for years.

“Where is your aunt,” the man had a thick southern accent.

My voice couldn’t get past the lump in my throat to make a sound in order to respond to him.

“Your mother didn’t do a good enough job hiding you and your sister from me,” he told me. “Your mother had no right to take my little angel from me. And now, you know, don’t you. I am going to get her, soon, and there is no stopping me.”

I started to collapse to the floor because my knees were weak from shaking and the pressure of what I was witnessing. I thought this man was forever in my past, just something that haunted my memories! Maybe it is. Maybe I just need to wake up. I tried to call for Aunt Susan again, but again, a lump in my throat prevented my mouth making any sound.

“I see the look in your face,” the torturing giant told me. “You intend to embarrass me. I’ve told you again and again what happens when you intentionally embarrass adults, but you refuse to learn, don’t you? You intend to scream! Well, go ahead. You know what will happen if you do.”

I closed my mouth. Indeed, I did know what could happen if I did. There was no safety from him. I always thought I had seen him throughout the last couple of years, just at the edge of the park, just around the corner of the house, or just hidden in a car across the street. Now, I was sure it was him that I saw, and this scared me only more.

“Good,” he said clasping his hands together. “I have a note. You will tell Lacey to read this, or I will get her anyway I can, even if that means hurting your family.”

I shook and shivered as the man walked back through the shop, and I felt the cold necrotic air warm back to normal, and though I was still on the floor, sitting on my butt, looking up, everything seemed to be returning to the light. Did I just see Lacey’s Daddy again?

“Aunt Susan!” I suddenly yelled. “Aunt Susan!” and in moments, she was running towards me, and picking me up from the ground.

“Did you have another daydream?” she asked me.

I nodded my head quickly and violently, but it was so different this time. I saw the man’s face that I had spent the last two years forgetting, that I always saw a void of before. I didn’t understand.

Aunt Susan helped me up, and I reached up and she hugged me, and she walked me out of this section, and out of the store that had the forgotten dress for my sister. I was still shaking. I was still unsure of anything. It felt so real. I could feel his breath, his touch, and his push that sent me to the floor. I shook and Aunt held me as she guided me away from the shop. I didn’t know if that shop was significant or not. I had no memory of what the shop’s name even was as we quickly left it behind.

We got out to the car, and we did have the radio and electronics experimenting thing. We drove towards a cake shop. I was still shivering even ten minutes later as the car pulled up to the cake shop.

“Honey, do you want to go in with Auntie, or do you want to stay out here?” Aunt Susan asked.

I didn’t answer with words, but simply unlocked my car door, and I ran to her side of the car once I was out of the car. I didn’t have any intention of leaving Aunt’s side now. I was scared to be alone.

I walked with my arms around my Aunt Susan, not wanting to be disconnected from her for a second. I was probably in her way, but she didn’t say anything. I was still shaky. I could feel my feet and legs vibrate even as I walked unsteadily. Something was different about this dark void dream. I couldn’t get the man’s face out of my head.

I sniffled.

Aunt picked out the cake she wanted to take home with us, and she asked the baker to wrap it. I think I was meant to tell her what cake to take, but I was so nervous, so shaky, so close to bursting from sniffles into a violent storm of sobs, that Aunt Susan must have just decided to get the cake and get out of there. I was embarrassing her.

I shook as she got me into the car, and then she put my seat belt on, and held my hands for a minute.

“It’s okay, baby,” she said her voice trying to be soothing, but somehow, the fear of the man’s face was still more vivid and pronounced than her soft voices. She seemed to fall silent though I could still see her mouth moving. The man’s eyes were set in the air, inches in front of her silent admonishments, and they blocked out any comfort she tried to give me.

The car door shut in slow motion, and I looked down at my lap. I felt a pressure in my pee pee place, and it started to sent water downward at first, into the seat of my diaper, just starting to drizzle from the front down through the mid slit of my crotch and around under my bottom. I could feel my legs shaking, and my knees swaying, but it was hard to tell if I felt that from the fear that I still saw in the face that plagued my mind, or if it was the attempted control my body tried to exert in keeping leaking waters inside.

My Aunt got in the driver’s side, and she turned on the car.

I felt more pressure on the pee pee place, and then some more water pushing down into the seat of my diaper, and then a gush that went a little weirdly upward, and it sent water at the front of the padding in my diaper, and then it filled that padding before I felt more water pouring down into my crotch both from the pee pee place and from the excess leaking from the watered down pad in my diaper and it drained down where my thighs met my butt as I sat wetting my bottom and the diaper in that area.

The car was pulling out of the cake shop as I felt more pee push through, and it flooded out in front, drenching the already soaked padding, and when it couldn’t take anymore, it sent waters over the top sides of my thighs inside my diaper, and pee went up towards the front top part of my diaper before it seeped down through my legs as the stream lost power, and then it wet the diaper in my butt even more. My legs were trying to close. I thought Aunt was okay with if I peed my pants, but I was too scared. I didn’t want to pee my pants. I felt the presence of the man that would surely cut my legs if he caught me leaking even a bit, and now, my bottom was wet, my legs had water on them, and the front of my lower stomach, the part just inside the diaper felt like it had water on it. I would get it if the face came back.

The car was a red light when I next noticed where we were, and then a flooding pressure sat at my openings, and I squeezed my legs together, and they vibrated against each other, and Aunt Susan put a hand on my thigh.

“Honey, if you have to pee,” she said to me as I looked up at her. “It’s okay if you just pee. You have a diaper on.”

“I … um… already…,” I looked down defeated and unable to finish saying the shameful thing I had already started.

Aunt Susan patted my thigh again, squeezing it lightly to show me that she was there. I gushed more pee into the diaper and peed full force. It had been a while since I could last gush like that, but today, I did it twice. Once while just before getting up, and once in the afternoon, trying to shop for a special day for my sister. I felt my face get a little red.

Aunt Susan kept her hand on my thigh as much as she could, when she didn’t need it to shift gears or touch something else to control the car, and she used her left hand almost exclusively for steering.

We pulled up to the house, and Aunt took me by the hands and led me into the house as if I was blind being led by someone inexperienced in leading the blind. As we came into the kitchen, Aunt called for Margaret and asked her to get the stuff from the car. She whispered something to her, I guess so Lacey wouldn’t hear her, and then Margaret went outside.

Jason kept Lacey playing with Jessica while Margaret dealt with the shopping, and Aunt Susan took me upstairs, to lay me on Mike’s empty, save for the plastic, bed, and she sat on the edge, not yet removing my diaper or even touching my skirt.

“Honey,” Aunt Susan softly called to me. “Do you hear me?”

I nodded.

“Are you okay, sweetie?”

I nodded. I think she was trying to see if I was alert to her, and not having a dark void dream.

I was already finished peeing my pants, not something that usually would have happened. I just lay there, for a moment, and then Aunt put a tender hand on my thigh.

“I don’t care if you are finished,” she finally told me softly. “I’m going to change you, okay?”

I nodded.

She helped me stand up, and then she unzipped my skirt and help me out of it, dropping it to the floor under my feet. I could see the back of it was a bit wet. I must have wet the car seat. Then she helped me back on the bed, and she pulled the tabs off because I was wearing a thicker diaper today. Was I just more emotional because of my period? I wasn’t sure, but the diaper showed the mess that my mind was in when she pulled it away.

“It’s okay, baby,” Aunt Susan told me. “You’re safe now.”

I nodded.

I felt her put another diaper as thick as the first one on me, and then she changed my shirt, putting a t-shirt with a rainbow on it, but didn’t put anything on my legs to cover my diaper. I looked up at her.

“It’s okay,” she whispered to me. “We are just family. No one will be looking at you, and there is nothing to see. Your diaper blocks anything important, baby.”

I nodded.

I reached for my messy skirt.

“No, no, honey,” Aunt Susan picked up my skirt and other shirt for me. She started to straighten it out a bit, and checking the pockets, she pulled out the note I had stuffed in a pocket. She seemed to be taking my dirty skirt to go clean it out and I took the paper automatically, not really thinking, and I started to walked down to the kitchen to sit at the table. My legs under the table made me feel more decent than sitting in the living room with my diaper and upper thighs exposed.

As I sat at the table, I looked down, thinking, and there was the paper in my left hand. I unfolded it, and I started to read it…

[spark]

Valana needs some counseling, and it would take a long time to make her whole again.   This is a vivid picture of an abuse victim.

 

[Ishigreensa]

Chapter 14

How Much is Just the Memory?

 

Dear Baby girl Angel,

Daddy is sorry, but mommy and her no good friend won’t let me see you even on your birthday, but I’m going to get you back. I hope you are not letting that dirty sister of yours influence your behavior. You know she gets bad grades at school, she makes trouble, and she is not going anywhere. Daddy has a surprise for you as soon as I can get you, and I do promise to get you this Summer.

Love Daddy.

 

But Lacey’s daddy was no better to her than he was to me. Sure, he didn’t hit her so hard with the strap or belt or something to cause her legs to bleed like he did me, but he still hit her. He told her that she had to stop doing stuff like I do because I was teaching her to be bad, and he had to punish bad. He would blame mommy for not parenting right. Lacey was not really spared as much as his letter of sunshine tried to pretend that now was displayed under the table, above my naked legs, where I tried to read what he wrote to her secretly. Lacey remembers, though, I’m sure. She couldn’t be fooled, right?

 

The dimly lit living room that had windows enough to let any outside light in, but it was an overcast winter’s day. I was sitting in front of the television. Lacey was in my lap, and we were watching a funny cartoon. I felt Lacey pee a little. I pushed her up, and reached for her hand to take her to the bathroom.

“Where are you two going?” the scruffy face man asked from the kitchen only a few feet from where we were watching television.

“I was going to take Lacey to the bathroom.”

“Lacey’s a big girl. She can go by herself. Sit down, Valana.”

I sat down. The front of my pants were a little damp from Lacey almost wetting her pants on me. I put my hands over the wet spot and watched TV, and then I laid on my stomach thinking that would better hide it.

Lacey had not made it past the kitchen for the short hall towards the back rooms, and the toilet, when her father caught her arm and looked in her eyes. She was six years old, I think. She started to shake, and she started to pee her pants.

“What are you doing, Lacey?” he asked her as he held her arm preventing her getting away to go run to the toilet.

I turned around, and frowned. He was making her pee her pants, but of course, that’s not how he saw it.

“You just standing there, pissing your pants?” he yelled at her.

I got up and ran to him, trying to goad him into hitting me instead.

“Pick on someone your own size, you monster!” I yelled at him. He pushed her, with his hold on her arm, and she fell on her back, crying out as I got in front of her to protect her.

“You pissed your pants, too?” he yelled at me. I knew he was talking about the wet spot that was on my pants from Lacey, but I didn’t deny what he wanted to believe. I used it.

“Leave Lacey alone!”

“It’s no wonder your sister just stood there and pissed her pants! She watched you do it, probably felt you pee on her while you were holding her, watching television, right?”

I hovered over Lacey, and he took off his belt.

I covered Lacey with my body as much as I could, and I started to feel the sharp painful stings that slapped outwards against my back! The darkness started to fade. He would have hit Lacey….

“Va...LAN...a!” someone was yelling my name, and it sounded like it was right in my ear! I shook my head, and turning, I noticed that my little sister was right there, reading over my shoulder, the letter that that man gave me.

 

“Where did you get that?” Lacey asked reaching down for the paper.

“Nowhere,” I said quickly trying to jam it under my legs, hoping she had not really had a chance to actually read it.

“It’s not a letter from mommy and daddy, is it?”

I shook my head no. “No. It’s nothing Lacey. It’s just teenager stuff.”

She shrugged and nodded. “Okay.”

Disaster averted.

Lacey smiled at me, and she said that Aunt Susan was calling Uncle. “Aunt Susan said you forgot ice cream, and that they were out of my favorite cake at the cake shop, so she just got me something. I guess there was something else she was going to get me, but she didn’t remember it in time, so uncle is bringing it for the party tonight.”

I smiled up at her. I was glad that Aunt didn’t tell her that she thought I had had an episode at the store. That would just worry her, and there was something that worried me. Where did the letter come from, if it was just a dark void dream? Why did I see his face this time? I am afraid he is in town. I looked over, and I saw Aunt Susan on the phone, still. Should I show Aunt Susan the letter? I was worried if I did, that the monster would do something else.

“I can’t believe Margaret gave me these beads,” Lacey was still talking to me, and I had been a bad sister because I had missed some of what she was saying, thinking about other stuff. I tried to play it off, hoping that she wouldn’t catch me or get upset that I hadn’t heard everything.

“I know, right?”

“Yeah! Like I was telling you, I think this one was the biggest set in that store we were at for camping stuff! And she says she used some of it, but there is almost nothing missing from it!”

I smiled. “Maybe she really does like you, Lacey.”

“Maybe…. But how do I even think about repaying her for something like this?”

I shrugged. I had no idea. That was a really good set, and I’m almost sure, that she didn’t have another set quite like this one.

“Maybe we can think of a way later,” I told Lacey.

“And Jessica said the toys she gave me were nearly new, and she wasn’t lying! I am just really….” and she seemed to run out of steam or words for what she wanted to say.

“Really grateful?” I tried to help.

“Well, yeah, that too,” she agreed with me. “But more than that, I’m… um… I don’t know how to describe it.”

“How about surprised?”

“Um… yeah, that too.”

I gave up. I didn’t know what word would work, but I thought I knew what she was trying to say. I was feeling the same way about the fact that Margaret even cared Lacey had a birthday, let alone give her something half as nice as that.

“Sis?” Lacey suddenly realized that I was sitting without a skirt or pants on. “How come you took off your skirt?”

“I peed my pants,” I told her. “Aunt told me to just wear a diaper for now.”

“Are you in trouble for peeing your pants again?”

“I don’t think so. Aunt Susan hasn’t really punished us for it at all. I think she just wants me to be noticeable, so it’s easy to see if I need to be changed again.”

“Jason helped me,” Lacey told me. “I got to the toilet, but I had a little bit of an accident wet in it, just a tiny little bit,” and she showed me a very small pinch with her fingers. “But Jason said it was still wet, so he made me change the padding, but my pants didn’t get wet.”

I nodded. “I’m glad you didn’t wet, Lacey. Did you pee all the way in the toilet the first go?”

She shook her head. “It took like five goes before it started to really come out, but Jason told me it was okay to stay on the toilet as long as I needed, and he wouldn’t let me up until he heard me actually pee in the toilet. I’m glad though. I don’t want to pee my pants.”

“I know,” I agreed with her. “I wish there was a way to make me stop doing it, but right now, it like takes Aunt to help me most of the time, and it takes forever.”

Lacey hugged me.

 

That evening, Uncle came home a little later, and all the children were outside, running around, playing tag. Even Jason was out there, trying to touch us as we decided on freeze tag, and he was it until either he caught everyone, or we got bored.

I stayed out of the front yard, and when Lacey went towards the front yard, I grabbed her.

“Hey! You’re going to get me tagged,” she said a little huffy.

“I’m sorry,” I said quickly. “Just stay in the backyard, please?”

She nodded and both of us stayed in the backyard until Jessica came to the back and from the front and let us know that we needed to go in the house then.

When we went in, there was a grocer bag on the counter in the kitchen, and there were some of the presents for Lacey sitting at the head of the table, with a smiling Uncle Scott sitting in a seat next to the head of the table.

“Well, there is the birthday girl!” he said as soon as he saw Lacey.

I smiled. She ran over and crawled in his lap.

“Oops, wrong place,” he told her and stood up and placed her in the chair at the head of the table. “Tonight, you get the head of the table.”

I rose my hand about chest high and my first finger went up to try to get someone’s attention, but with all the noise and all the attention on trying to make Lacey happy, no one noticed I was trying to say something, so eventually I gave up. I just hoped Lacey didn’t pee in that seat. That would be a big no-no.

The presents were placed in a pile at the head of the table, and though she had already gotten a few presents from our cousins already, it seemed that Aunt Susan and Uncle Scott were going to really spoil her this evening.

I really loved that they made Lacey smile and laugh so much tonight. She found the radio thing that I picked out, and she looked right at me, as if she knew. And Aunt Susan told her: “That’s right, I took your sister with me so she could pick something special for you, and she had said you always wanted one of these.”

Lacey clapped her hands.

She had some barrettes in her hair and a red ribbon tied into a bow making a pony tail of curly hair coming down the back. I thought she looked adorable. That was what Aunt Susan had done with her stuff she gave her, but she had bought her a lot more, so Lacey would have a lot of hair doodles now for the rest of the summer, and I had a few, too.

Then, even though I had not been able to get the dress I thought I was going to get Lacey, somehow, it ended up in the presents! Did Aunt Susan know what dress I had seen? But we left, how did she get it? Did she tell Uncle Scott to do it?

Lacey also got another new stuffed animal, this one was a penguin, and she got some other fun things that Uncle had obviously picked up for her. I guess while we were outside playing, and I was still in my diaper only for my legs, but somehow, it was still warm enough even in the evening for that.

No one even looked at my legs, I noticed, which is what Aunt Susan said would happen. Even the boys didn’t look at my legs, and I did wonder if Jason even liked me, but then, I guess we are really cousins, so how could he? It was wishful thinking that he’d be like… thinking about his cousin like that, right? I was just an immature little kid in what was it called? I think mom probably called it puppy love, or maybe daddy called it a crush. Well, I guess I do have a crush on Jason.

I felt a little bit of a pressure in my stomach, but Aunt Susan was bringing food to the table, so I wasn’t allowed to ask to go off somewhere. I guess I could try to hold it even if Aunt doesn’t want me to. I can’t be dirty at the table.

She made a big dinner for us. There was some kind of chili-like macaroni that she made, some potato salad and a lot of other things. My plate looked like it had been served for two or three dinners, or maybe like it had a feast for Thanksgiving on it. I wondered if I could eat it all. I looked at Lacey, and wondered if she could eat all of hers, and then there was the cake Aunt Susan bought her, and I think Uncle got her ice cream, too, well for all of us, but it was her birthday cake and ice cream.

We ate a very filling dinner, and it seemed to take forever to eat. I really felt some pressure in my stomach, and I couldn’t be dirty. Please, somehow, make me able to wait and go after we all eat? Please? I didn’t know who I was thinking this to. Was my stomach? Was it God? Was it something else. All I knew, was that it was too gross, and I had to be a good girl.

I felt a little rumble, and a tiny high pitched squeak that I felt heat my face with fire as I looked around, afraid it had been heard. Thankfully, no one was reacting. Maybe they didn’t hear it. I hoped it didn’t smell.

I couldn’t do anything I wanted to do about this. Even if I hurried and ate, and didn’t get any cake, even, I’d have to wait for everyone else to finish. There was no way I could get away, and I felt the pressure pushing. I felt like I was going to get it. The heaviness settled against the hole, trying to push it open.

I was shaking.

Margaret, next to me, pushed me lightly, and whispered. “Are you okay?”

I felt my face redden again, and nodded. “I’m… I’m not dreaming,” I told her thinking she thought I was.

“Okay, but you’re shaking, Valana. Do you need something?”

“No?” I whimpered, but my aunt smiled and she mouthed at Margaret to leave me alone.

I continued eating, wiggling a little bit, stiffing my legs until they hurt, and trying to push my butt closed with just the butt muscles. I forget what you call those muscles. It was a fancy but also a strange dirty word that I think I first learned in science, or maybe it was somewhere else.

I bit into the chili-mac, and started to eat some more, for I had put the spoon down for a moment so I could rub my stomach. I didn’t know how I was going to get all the way through dinner.

“I think Valana is going to wet her pants,” Jessica suddenly told the table, and made me feel more fire on my face.

“Honey,” Aunt Susan put a hand on her shoulder. “Just leave your cousin be. She’s scared to leave the table, remember? I think even if I sent her from the table, she wouldn’t go, honey.”

“Really? But the bathroom is right there,” she pointed down towards the one on the first floor.

“I know,” Aunt Susan said. “But she also has a thicker diaper on. She’s not supposed to worry about going right now.”

Jessica nodded.

Lacey spoke up though. “Aunt Susan, can You please take my sister to the bathroom? Please?”

My jaw dropped. Lacey knew better than that.

“Well,I guess we can,” she said. “Scott, will you pick her up for me?”

I shook my head no, not wanting to be bad.

“It’s okay,” Uncle Scott whispered to me. “This is what we should be doing anyway, honey.”

He lifted me up, but that connection to the chair was the only thing stopping what was about to happen. The moment he lifted me, I felt the push, and first a little liquid, and then a bunch of lumps started falling into the thick padding. I started peeing. I started to cry.

Uncle Scott held me as he carried me towards the bathroom, my had over his shoulder, and his hands pulling me into him, as if he was trying to comfort me, and Aunt Susan was following us for a moment, and I think she noticed.

“Honey, just take her into the bathroom, and I’ll go up to her room to get some stuff, and meet you there in a minute.”

He nodded, and we went into the bathroom, but I already pushed a bunch and the back of my diaper was so messy, I gave up and continued pooping my pants, and as I did, I felt gushing water, for the third time that day, as I peed completely within the matter of a few minutes, and as if I had no control over my bladder at all.

He sat down on the edge of the bathtub, and Aunt Susan came in.

“Well, I guess after we get her mess off her, we can put her in the bath, and I’ll clean her up, and you can go back to the others to distract them with cake and ice cream,” Aunt Susan said.

“No,” Uncle Scott said. “I’m going to help my little niece, too. She is a mess, and you’re going to need help with this one.”

“Jason!” Uncle Scott called from the bathroom, and he kept me in his lap, his hand over my tapes to keep my diaper on me for the moment.

Jason came in.

“I want you to watch Lacey carefully, and let her cut as bit a piece of cake for herself as she wants. If she gets greedy, don’t worry. I did buy a second one just in case. The only thing I’m worried about, is her cutting herself.”

Jason nodded.

“And Ice cream?”

“Yes. You cut up the rest of the cake after she takes a share, and give the rest of us a reasonable portion, including your little cousin, Valana.”

He nodded. “I knew to include her, dad. I’m not st….”

Uncle cut him off. “Jason, I said it so she would know she still gets some. I know that you already knew what to do.”

“Oh,” Jason blushed. “Yeah, I guess that makes sense.”

He left the bathroom, and then Uncle and Aunt helped me stand up, and they took my diaper off me, Uncle actually handling it, and keeping the disgust inside it somehow, he got it out of the way while Aunt wetted a rag and started to wipe at me, getting my mess off of me.

While she wiped me, Uncle started the bath, and then he took off my shirt. I didn’t care. I mean, he wouldn’t be the only one to see me completely naked as a man. My daddy saw me sometimes, but worse, Lacey’s daddy had seen me, and he had been mean about it. I don’t think Jason ever saw me naked, that I could remember. He only changed me if I wet my pants, and that was only like twice that I could remember, so far.

They double teamed it, and soon had me clean, and then took me upstairs, naked to get clothes. The other kids were so involved in eating, and singing “Happy Birthday” and talking about the presents that Lacey had gotten so that they didn’t even look our way, not even the boys.

Once I had a shirt on, another heavy diaper with pads, and a skirt this time, I was taken back down to the table, and at my place, there was this huge piece of cake, well actually, there were two pieces of cake as I looked closer. One was the cake that Aunt Susan had picked out, and one was a little bit like they tried to give me more from the one Uncle Scott got at a regular store. It was good though. I also had a bowl of ice cream, and once I was at the table, no one even brought up how I did that dirty thing. I had to talk to Lacey though. It was bad of her to ask Uncle and Aunt to take me to the toilet at that moment, not because I made a mess. That was me being bad, but because we were at the table. We aren’t supposed to.

That night, after we both had had another bath, I let my sister lay holding me, and I whispered to her.

“Lacey, you know that we have to be careful not to embarrass those in charge, and not to do dirty stuff, right?”

“Because if we do something bad, I might get it with a belt or something?”

“Yeah,” I whispered a little sad I had to warn her not to push her luck with anyone. It has taken a while to teach her to be careful how much to even push daddy. But I knew I was teaching her how to live without getting it from the person in charge.

“So, did I do something wrong?” she asked.

“Well, sort of,” I sighed and rubbed her arm as I spoke to her about the facts of life. “You know you shouldn’t have asked uncle to take me to the toilet while we were at dinner.”

“But you were about to do something worse,” she looked up at me as she was lying with her head down at my stomach.

“I know. But if I do something bad, then I get punished,” I told her. “I don’t want you getting punish like I used to get.”

“I know,” Lacey whispered. “It’s just… I don’t really think Uncle Scott and Aunt Susan have the same rules, just like, I don’t think daddy that we have right now, is really like what you are thinking.”

“I wish I knew if you were right, Lacey,” I told her. “But at first, your daddy wasn’t mean to me. It took some time of me doing stuff that embarrassed him, grossed him out of dinner, and getting in trouble at school, before he started to hit me. I don’t want you to learn the hard way, that you should be careful, especially if somehow, I’m not here to protect you when it happens. You are my little sister.”

Lacey frowned and sighed. “I’m sorry I almost got you in trouble.”

“I’m not worried about me getting hit. I’ve been hit before. I know what it’s like, and I’m okay getting it, if it’s just me.”

Lacey sighed. “But I don’t like you getting hit, Valana. It makes me hurt, in a different way I can’t explain.”

I rubbed her arm some more. “Let’s just go to sleep, little sis. Remember, don’t make a scene at the table tomorrow. If one of us wets, we try to do it secretly until a few minutes after dinner, then we can show what we did, and they won’t ask if it happened at the table. It’s only lying if they ask and we tell something that didn’t happen.”

Lacey nodded and with a sigh, she closed her eyes.

I had stored that letter in the very back of the dresser that had my underwear in it. Of course, I would not be wearing panties for a while, probably, while with Aunt Susan, so I figured there would be no reason for her to open that drawer, and the letter would stay out of sight and out of mind. I just had to keep a better vigil so that my little sister wouldn’t be kidnapped by that madman. No matter what Aunt Susan said, from now on, I could not let Lacey out of my sight until daddy and mommy were back, and would take us where he wouldn’t know again.

Eventually, I found my eyes closed and I was in the dreamworld. I really hoped I would not dream about Lacey’s daddy.

 

Darkness, necrotic fear, movement, and noises were around me. I shivered. I put my hand inside my panties, feeling them. I didn’t wear diapers at this time. I had no idea that older kids could even wear them. I was still very young. My panties were wet. I thought so. I peed the bed. I lie there, shaking, scared that at any minute, he would come in and get me, and see that I had peed the bed. I was too old to wet the bed. I must have been at least seven years old, maybe eight. I don’t think I was nine yet.

“Your kid is always doing stuff that Lacey mimics!” I heard voices in the other room.

“That’s just natural!” that was my mom’s voice.

“Well, it’s okay when the older child is doing what they are supposed to do! Look at this! Lacey has peed in her sleep! That is disgusting, and she’s learning it from your daughter!”

I’m sorry Lacey. I didn’t mean to teach you to pee in your sleep. A tear rolled down the left side of my face, the side of my face that was laying against the pillow as I heard them yelling about how bad I was.

“Now, I have to spank my own kid! And this is Valana’s fault!”

I shook in bed. “No! Don’t hit Lacey!” I wasn’t eight years old yet. When I was eight, I’d run in and bend my body over her to stop him hitting her.

I heard mom crying in the other room. I heard a loud bang that seemed to vibrate the floor and I felt it through under my wet bed. Then I heard screaming! He was hitting Lacey. I started crying.

I wasn’t seven years old yet. I couldn’t be. I would have been used to him hitting Lacey if I was, and this felt like, it felt like the first time! If I was six, then Lacey was only three! I shook in fear! How can you hit a three year old for wetting the bed? I thought he told me that a kid learned not to wet the bed by age six? Do you beat them into not wetting the bed?

The scene went away, and there was darkness for a while.

I was at school. I think I was in second or third grade, I think. The teacher’s face is not visible. I don’t know what the teacher looks like. Kids around me are working on worksheets. The teacher is at the front, making us write one at a time at the board. The rest of us are filling in the worksheet while the one at the board gets one right. It is my turn to go to the board. I walk over to the teacher, and I whisper up at, him, I think.

“Can I go to the bathroom?” I asked.

I think he smiled. “Yes, sweetheart. We’ll have you do one when you get back.”

The scene went away, and there was darkness again.

I was in the principal’s office. Lacey’s dad was there and my mom was there. There was a lady there that I felt like was new to my life at the time, but I didn’t know how important she was then.

“Her teacher discovered something about Lacey,” the principal told my parents.

“I was giving her permission to use the bathroom during class,” he told my parents. “When I place a comforting hand on her shoulder so she would go, she winced in pain, and so I had to look. I pulled back her collar by her neck, and….”

He pulled it back like in class, and the principal and the lady gasped at what they saw.

“She was fighting with her sister,” Lacey’s dad told them. “She is always mean to her sister, and her sister finally shoved her and she hit her shoulder on the door knob.” that lie was so specific, that the other adults in the room seemed to nod that that could happen. “Of course, we punished both children for fighting,” he told them.

They looked at my mom, and my mom agree with what he said. Mom always agreed with him in those days. I was probably eight at this time. I could just sit there, and accept what was said.

The scene went dark again, and I woke up, my diaper soaking wet again, but at least my pajamas were not wet. My sister climbed up on me, and smiling, she whispered. “I had a wonderful second birthday yesterday.”

I smiled. “I’m glad I didn’t ruin it.”

“Ruin it?” she asked me as if she had forgotten I pooped my pants and nearly made everyone sick and ruined it for her.

“Yeah, you know.”

“Oh, just because you had to go to the bathroom?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, remember, we are not in that old place no more,” Lacey said looking at me with wisdom-aged eyes. “My daddy can’t hurt us anymore, and our daddy will not be mad at all, and Aunt and Uncle let you go even if you didn’t make it. So try to be happy.”

“Okay, but Lacey, I have something serious to tell you.”

“Okay?”

“Can you please never go anywhere outside without Aunt Susan and Uncle Carl, ever, and always stay where I can see you at all times?”

“Um… I usually do. But why all the sudden, you are talking like that? What happened?”

“Yesterday, at the mall….”

“Your memory dream thing?”

“I am scared it wasn’t just a memory,” I told her. “There were strange scary things that happened, that I can’t explain. Please, don’t ever leave my sight outside again?”

“What about hide and go seek?” she asked me.

“Let’s only play that in the house, if we are allowed, and promise me to never go outside while we are doing that or even opening the front door or looking out the window, no matter what.”

“You are really scared, huh?”

I nodded. “I’m sorry. I can’t explain. Just please?”

“I’ll do anything you ask,” she hugged me. “You’re my big sister, and I know that if you are scared of something that will hurt me, that’s the only time you make me do something I don’t really like.”

I nodded. I decided not to address her toileting right now. As long as she was safely in the house and with Aunt Susan, it was probably okay.

Aunt Susan came in and she got us up from sleeping. I smiled up at her, and she sat on the edge of our bed, pulling back our blankets. The bed under us was dry. Of course my diaper was soaked, but my sister’s diaper, when Aunt checked her, it was dry, so she took it off her and patting her butt, she sent my little sister to the bathroom.

I looked up at Aunt while she started to undo the diaper I had on, still one of Lacey’s heavier wetting ones.

“Your Uncle and I were talking last night,” she told me. “We have to take you to see that doctor again today, but we were thinking after that, you should see another doctor.”

“Is this doctor not finding what you think he should?” I asked.

“It’s not that, sweetheart. It’s what your sister is calling your memory dreams, and what I think I’ve hear you refer to as Dark Void Dreams.”

“Oh,” I nodded. “Because I’m crazy, right?”

“No, sweetheart. Because you experienced some real problems in your earlier childhood, real horrors that if not treated, can cause worse problems as you try to grow into your teen years.”

I shrugged. “I don’t need a doctor. I just need to be more careful about what I do and where I go.”

Aunt hugged me and I was naked from the waist down at this point.

“Sweetheart, you need to feel safe, and you are not going to feel safe while you are constantly worried about Lacey’s dad coming back into your life.”

I sighed. I wasn’t supposed to argue with adults anyway, and I think she has already decided. “Where will Lacey be?” I asked her.

“I’ll take care of her.”

“No. I’m not going anywhere where I can’t see her from now on.”

“Sweetheart, you can’t go to her school when you have school.”

“Watch me,” I said though it was more a whisper because I didn’t mean to be rebellious at her.

Aunt Susan hugged me tightly. “Let’s get you changed,” she said. “To tell the truth, Lacey probably needs counseling, too.”

“She’s not crazy,” my protective I don’t care if you hit me big sister attitude stepped in.

“No, sweetheart, she’s not,” Aunt Susan agreed with me. “But she was hit, wasn’t she?”

I nodded.

“She was taught to potty her pants secretly at the table if she couldn’t hold it, wasn’t she?”

I nodded.

“She was taught to hide her accidents and not tell anyone out of fear?”

I nodded.

“Those things are not natural, baby. Hiding accidents out of fear or shame, is a little natural, but not out of fear, sweetheart. Going to the bathroom on yourself, secretly or not is not natural. She needs to talk to someone about how all this makes her feel, okay?”

I sighed. “But only if I am there to be with her.”

“What if we put you both in the same counseling?”

“Can you do that?”

“Your uncle and I will look into that today, sweetheart. We are worried about both of you.”

I sighed. “Okay. But if it makes her cry, I want it to stop.”

Aunt didn’t answer me though. She just started to get me into another thick diaper. It would be my third day that I’d need this.

“Your sister has also learned to pee strangely,” she told me.

I looked up at her. She had already addressed that a few days ago. I taught her to pee like that by mistake.

“Honey, I think that is also another symptom of her needing to talk to someone about her fears.”

“She just copies me,” I told Aunt Susan. “When she sees me not doing that anymore, she’ll stop.”

“Honey, she is ten years old. She hasn’t done that in a long time simply because that’s how you do it. If she does, then that is another troubling sign that she needs help.”

I sighed. I couldn’t win. Aunt Susan was a lot smarter about this stuff, at least for normal people. I only know what my sister and I’ve been through, and of course, our now daddy is trying to treat us right, but I do see a sadness in his face sometimes and mom’s. I think there is something that is missing. I don’t know what it is, but they never say I’m being bad

[Night Rain]

So, the dad did appear and he's going to try and kidnap Lacey. Are we going to witness when Valana's problems first ever happened?

[Ishigreensa]

8 hours ago, Night Rain said:

So, the dad did appear and he's going to try and kidnap Lacey. Are we going to witness when Valana's problems first ever happened?

Maybe later, but it will likely be a while before she gets where she will talk about how it all started.  It will mostly just be flashbacks to what is relevant at the moment for a while.

 

[spark]

I can't help but think how Valana and Lacey would do in school.  Valana is clearly in need of counseling, but she is afraid to open up that it would be tough to help her.

[Ishigreensa]

8 hours ago, spark said:

I can't help but think how Valana and Lacey would do in school.  Valana is clearly in need of counseling, but she is afraid to open up that it would be tough to help her.

well, I'd like to think I've given some idea of what happens at school to Valana here and there, but if you are talking grades or socially, yeah, that could be something to explore.  Lacey would be a little better off than Valana socially, but maybe not with authority.

[spark]

3 hours ago, Ishigreensa said:

well, I'd like to think I've given some idea of what happens at school to Valana here and there, but if you are talking grades or socially, yeah, that could be something to explore.  Lacey would be a little better off than Valana socially, but maybe not with authority.

I think it would be both.  You haven't written anything that indicates either girl has other deficits, but Valana appears to be immature compared to her typical peers.  I would say that Lacey appears even further behind her peers emotionally.  Lacey appears to be closer to a child who is ready for Kindergarten, and would likely be entering 4th or 5th grade socially.  She is still young enough to be kept a grade behind to allow her to catch up with her peers.  I would say that Valana is closer to a rising 6th grader, even though she is old enough for 9th grade.  Ideally, she could into 8th grade and use that year to help her gain independence.

Based on my experience, that level of the emotional deficit would definitely affect a child's academic progress.   Also, in most cases, there is disrupted schooling, because parent's like Lacey's dad will school shop to avoid their abuse being detected.   Fortunately, as a high school teacher, I would have numerous resources available to support a student like Valana.   We have mental health professionals onsite, she would have a guidance counselor and a school nurse at the site.  Unfortunately, she would need to be identified with a disability to access my support, which would require the parent to be proactive.   With an IEP, it would take more than two months to get her services.   In Valana's case, counseling might not work, because she isn't going to open to it.   I could see her coming to school, never saying a single word to anybody, and nobody ever knowing that she is sitting in a soggy diaper.  I can't help when I don't know what is happening.

[Ishigreensa]

4 hours ago, spark said:

for Kindergarten, and would likely be entering 4th or 5th grade socially.  She is still young enough to be kept a grade behind to allow her to catch up with her peers.  I would say that Valana is closer to a rising 6th grader, even though she is old enough for 9th

Actually, I have Lacey going into 5th grade the next year as she is a summer baby, so she starts 1 year ahead of most others, and is the youngest in her class.  Her cousin is also a summer baby, who will turn 14 before the end of the summer, so she also starts 9th grade this coming year, but Valana is December baby, so she will start the year at 8th grade, 13-14 year olds.  Age wise.  
Yes, Valana is definitely not going to tell anyone she is wet because especially because of what has happened to her in 6th grade, even when she felt "safe."  Lacey's teachers, until now have let her use the bathroom when she needed it unless there was a good reason to make her wait, so she is less likely to wet her pants at school so long as she is still in elementary school, and if she gets into a middle school that isn't that strict, and she feels she can go when she needs to.

[spark]

3 hours ago, Ishigreensa said:

Actually, I have Lacey going into 5th grade the next year as she is a summer baby, so she starts 1 year ahead of most others, and is the youngest in her class.  Her cousin is also a summer baby, who will turn 14 before the end of the summer, so she also starts 9th grade this coming year, but Valana is December baby, so she will start the year at 8th grade, 13-14 year olds.  Age wise.  
Yes, Valana is definitely not going to tell anyone she is wet because especially because of what has happened to her in 6th grade, even when she felt "safe."  Lacey's teachers, until now have let her use the bathroom when she needed it unless there was a good reason to make her wait, so she is less likely to wet her pants at school so long as she is still in elementary school, and if she gets into a middle school that isn't that strict, and she feels she can go when she needs to.

I thought Valana was 14, and turns 15 in December.   That would make her a rising 9th grader.   When I taught middle school, I had 8th graders who turned 15, but they repeated a grade.   

A little off-topic, but the starting age for school is a bit of a pet peeve for me.   I see it all the time, and it is not just readiness for Kindergarten.   I believe the cut off was Dec 1, which means fall babies start K at 4, 7th at 11, and 9th grade at 13.   It's not fair to send a 13-year-old to high school, especially if you're forced to spend 1/3 of 7th grade and all of the 8th grade at home for reasons.  I'm a early September, and my mom choose to wait another year.   It was a smart move.  While I was potty trained, even at night, that was a recent development for me.   The potty training lag was due to me developing slower than my peers.  In every single facet, I was slower than other kids, even though I have slightly above-average intelligence.  Even with the delay, and was one of the older kids in my grade, I still lagged behind my classmates.  It wasn't until I was in 11th grade that I actually caught up emotionally with my peers.

I think you are on target about middle schools likely as big of an AH about kids using the bathroom during class.  Especially if teachers are aware that a child has an issue.  This should also happen in elementary school, but there are some old-school type teachers who seem to take pride in keeping kids from the toilet.   I saw some it when I taught middle school, but then I had to remind the teachers that the kids get 4 minutes between class, 30 minutes for lunch, and that was it.   140 8th graders with two stalls for each sex available, and only a 4-minute window to complete the task, and you'll get yelled at for walking in after the bell.  That would destroy both of the girls.

[Ishigreensa]

6 hours ago, spark said:

I thought Valana was 14, and turns 15 in December.   That would make her a rising 9th grader.   When I taught middle school, I had 8th graders who turned 15, but they repeated a grade.

I think you got this part confused.  Of course, I was a little playing around with the ages the first three chapters, so that might have led to some of your confusion as well as the ages of the kids.
Jason is 15-16  Margaret is 13-14, turning 14 in July, so will start 9th grade in the next school year, Valana is 13-14, turning 14 in December, and I'm making the cut off in August, which is what I'm used to... so I really don't agree with December cut off anyway, then Mike is 11-12 I think, and then Jessica just turned 10 around April, and Lacey just turned 10 in June, so Lacey will be on the young side in 5th grade.

I'm kind of basing the junior high school on what I remembered I went through since I have only taught elementary school since then, and I have taught private lessons for English, but I don't make kids wait if they gotta go since I'm not really in a school system.  It is extracurricular.  If a kid is playing around, I might ask them to wait like a minute or two if I'm trying to finish something with them, but that is the max...  Well, a minute easily turns into five, but not if I see the squirming around.  To me, that's just mean.  

30 minutes for lunch!  Damn!  Japanese kids get an hour and 20 minutes for lunch time activities that include eating 30 minutes, 25 minutes play or hang out time, and 15-20 minute where kids clean designated in schools, but they really only spend 5 minutes cleaning, and they basically hang out besides that.  I have been in elementary and junior high schools in Japan, but not as the regular teacher, so I saw it outside looking in.  In Japan, junior high school kids will talk with thier friends until the bell rings, and THEN ask to go, and the teacher actually lets them, even if it was right after lunch!  I witnessed it first hand!  Japan doesn't believe in making the kids wait, however, kids are asked to be mindful, and the teachers won't tell them what they missed, so they better have friends or another way to catch what the teacher said if they had to leave the room.  TEachers will help you after school, but JHSstudents are so busy, they don't really have time for that, either.

Anyway, yeah, Valana is definitely not going to be asking in middle school since she was turned down from 6th grade from going.  She just waits as long as she can, and then wets.  Lacey still thinks she has a right to go (at school) because so far, her elementary school teachers have always let her go at school.

I am also a December, nearly January kid, so I was in the grade that I was supposed to be, I think, though there seems to be a point that doesn't make sense, but I won't go into that.  I am sure I started Kindergarten when I was 5-6, but somehow, I was in ninth grade when I was 15-16, so not sure how that happened.  I think I may have had a year of absences or something because my dad tended to pack up in the middle of the year in the middle of hte night when we moved, and we did move a few times when I was a kid.

[Ishigreensa]

Chapter 15

Another Opinion

I was taken, bottom half naked, to the bathroom and Aunt Susan put me in the tub to clean me up. She helped me wash everywhere like I was a little kid, and she checked some of the areas on me that concerned her more. Lacey was just getting off the toilet, when Aunt Susan waved her over, and she got in the bath, too.

“You babies need to see a doctor today, and Valana will see two doctors, but you might get in to see the second one with your sister,” Aunt Susan told Lacey.

“Why I need two doctors?” she asked. “The doctor last week said I was okay. It’s Valana that is hurt bad.”

“Yes, honey, but there are other concerns that that doctor can’t help with.”

Lacey looked at me.

“She’s our Aunt,” I reminded her. “Remember what mom said?”

She nodded and sighed. “Okay.”

 

When Lacey and I were down in the kitchen, I heard uncle on the phone.

“Yes, I need to take today off.”

“….”

“I know, but this is very important for my family.”

“….”

“I understand. Thank you.”

 

Then, uncle was upstairs taking a bath, and Jason and the other cousins were sitting at the table with Lacey and me. I saw Jason looked at me a little differently this morning, and he kept looking at my hands and then at my legs. He knew I had a diaper on, and my arms didn’t pee, so I was wondering what he was looking for, but it seemed he kept looking.

I looked down trying to think of how to ask him why he was staring without being rude or mean about it.

As I was thinking, I heard water dropping to the floor in a pattern that was hard to mistaken, and I looked over at Lacey, but she was smiling and talking to Jessica. There was no nervous stuttering, no redness in her face, and no shivering in her body movements. But if she didn’t….

I felt my hand under the table feeling around the pink sweats, the crotch area of my pants, but it didn’t feel wet or bulkier than usual. I felt under my thighs, but it wasn’t wet. I had not peed. Lacey had not peed. I looked over at Margaret.

Margaret had a light pink face, and she was looking more interested in her food, and seemed to avoid talking. I sighed. She must have wet her pants, and I thought she was going to stop wearing diapers. She said she was tired of diapers on Saturday. Why did she pee her pants at the table? Oh, yeah, we are eating? Maybe it is more polite to not get up at the table, even if Uncle and Aunt were saying it was allowed?

I decided not to stare at her and bring her shame to everyone’s attention. It was really embarrassing to wet your pants, especially in a place that would make it more dirty or more embarrassing to others that might care. I would keep her secret.

Aunt Susan came in, and she smiled at all of us. “Okay, so your dad took the day off,” she told her kids. “He is going to drop the cousins and me off at the doctor’s office and then take you all to the park for a while. When we finish at the first doctor’s, he might be taking us to a second doctor, and then you will all be taken to get lunch.”

The other kids around us nodded.

“Now, I know some of you might understand the meaning of the sign for the second doctor, so I want to talk to the whole table about this now.”

Everyone was watching Aunt Susan, even Margaret’s pink blush face.

 

There was a faint void in the air, one that wasn’t exactly scary at the moment, but one that started to deafen Aunt Susan’s voice to my ears. I already had an idea of what she might be telling the others, but I did want to know what Margaret and the others would know.

The world looked blurry, and I knew that I was going into that void dream again, only this one didn’t have a cold fear to it. It was not peaceful, but it wasn’t scary. I was just slipping away from the normal world for a moment.

 

“The doctor hasn’t found a physical cause for Valana’s problems,” the face of Lacey’s dad was telling my mom. “I don’t know what we are supposed to do! If there is nothing physically wrong with her, then maybe we should seek other kinds of help.”

“What other kind of help are you thinking?”

“She could see a mental doctor.”

“Are you saying that Valana is crazy?”

“She might be,” he told mom. He wasn’t shouting. He wasn’t hitting. He was just talking calmly like he was trying to solve a hard problem along with my mom. “The only way we’ll know if she is crazy, is if we have her see someone who can diagnose it.”

“Valana knows where she is, though,” my mom told him.

“That doesn’t mean she’s not crazy,” he told her. “Some crazy people look normal all the time, but then, boom, something happens, and they are uncontrollable and they don’t know where they are.”

“Valana has never been violent though,” my mom defended me. I could barely understand, really, what they were saying at this time, but now, I do remember they had had this conversation before. I think I was younger than seven.

“She doesn’t have to be violent to be crazy,” Lacey’s dad said. “Look, she wets her pants, not only at home, but in public, and even in her classroom at times. She poops her pants at the table, and she is always doing stuff that she knows will get her into trouble. That’s not normal, is it?”

My mom nodded as he talked, and at the end, answered: “No, I don’t think so.”

 

“So, we are going to have a special counselor talk to Valana, and maybe Lacey to see how much they were hurt,” I heard Aunt Susan wrapping up what she said to the others. I missed it all. I didn’t understand why I wasn’t afraid of Lacey’s dad in this dream, but I felt a little calm in it, and as Susan finished, I saw Lacey looked in down at her lap.

“What’s wrong?” Aunt Susan asked her.

“Am I crazy?”

“No, sweetheart,” Aunt Susan told her. “You are just really hurt, and you and your sister need to talk to someone that can pull you out of your bad experiences and help you make sense of it, so you can better understand yourselves.”

I frowned. I barely understood what Aunt Susan said, so I was sure Lacey didn’t. Lacey looked over at me.

“Yes, Lacey,” I told her simply. “We are probably crazy, but not in a dangerous way.”

She smiled at me and nodded.

 

The visit in the medical clinic didn’t take that long. They mostly just wanted to tell aunt other things they found, things that sort of went over my head and got boring to me. Things that knowing what was wrong, was not going to mean I’d magically stop wetting my pants, so it didn’t matter to me. But my aunt was very interested, so I sat there being a good girl and let them explain to her about me. They also said some other things about Lacey, that again, I wasn’t really sure what they were talking about, but it did make my aunt frown a few times.

Then we were whisked away for a car ride to the other clinic that I really wasn’t sure I wanted to go to, but even though I didn’t want to go there, I wanted Lacey next to me, not because I was scared or because I thought Lacey needed this, but because I was scared of what would happen to her if I didn’t see her.

Being safely in the car, where I knew that no one would hurt me, and aunt was there, and I had to pee on the way, I was able to flood in my diaper before we got to the counselor’s office, as aunt called her, but I think the doctor actually had a scarier title or work thing attached to it.
We walked into this place, and it looked so quiet and so forbidding of any shenanigans, that I wondered if I was bad for wetting my pants in the car, and if they found out I was wet, if I was going to embarrass Aunt Susan or my little sister. I guess I better really try to hide it. There was a front desk that we walked up to, and we saw eight names on plaques behind there. Pah… ps… psee… I really wasn’t sure of what that word was. Have they taught me that word yet? There were two kinds of words that started with the letters PSY… one was written: psychologist and the other was written psychiatrist. I couldn’t read those words because I don’t really remember any word like those except when we studied dinosaurs, and there was something called a pterodactyl. In that word, the p was silent, but the next letter wasn’t a y. Whatever those words were, they sounded a bit scary to me.

Lacey and I hugged almost huddling on each other while Aunt Susan guided us over to sit and wait our turn. I hoped I wouldn’t have to remember or say those words to the person, or especially my sister wouldn’t have to. They looked too hard to say. I was afraid I’d sound stupid, so I didn’t ask my aunt how to read them.

“Ms. Valana and Lacey Ross?” a lady called us back that had a name tag that read Dr. Laura Kuhnz.

Aunt Susan stood up with us, and started to walk us back and into a room with a desk, a lounge sofa like you see in those movies where crazy people tell a doctor their problems, and a small round table. The doctor had us girls take a seat at the table while my aunt went to her desk for a minute.

“So, these are your nieces?” I overheard them talking about us.

“Yes, they are actually my brother’s wife’s children because he married her after she had the kids, but I think the girls each have different fathers, too.”

“I see. And you said that you fear the kids have some deep emotional scars likely caused by the man before your brother?”

“Well, I know they do,” Aunt Susan said. “I’ve talked with them a little bit, but I don’t think they even know how to really open up to me, and I thought maybe a real professional might get through their wall.”

“Well, if it is a deep hurt, sometimes, it can take years depending on different factors.”

“I understand, but I only have the children for the summer, so I’ll pay for three months of sessions with them, and after that, it will be up to their parents.”

“Very well. Are there any particular issues you’d like me to address with them?”

“Honestly, I just want them to be comfortable telling someone anything that could help them get on track of figuring out how to heal and how to process what has happened to them. Let me show you something.”

Aunt Susan came over to me, and she pulled the collar of my shirt back some so the lady could look down my back. I pulled my shirt back saying “Hey! I don’t even know her!”

Aunt Susan bent down and looked me in the eye where I was sitting. “Valana, she is going to help you, but she needs to know something about what has happened to you.”

“Look, we don’t even live with that guy anymore,” I told Aunt Susan. “Why does it matter what he used to do, and why do we have to talk about it with someone I don’t even know?”

Aunt Susan sighed. “Sweetheart, you still have a lot of emotional problems, most of which, were likely caused by that man, and the only way you can learn to deal with your emotional problems, is by facing the things that was done to you. You need to learn to recognize what was done to you, and that what happened, none of it was your fault.”

I shook my head. “I don’t understand,” I told her thinking that I knew that we didn’t do anything wrong so that we deserved to be hit all the time. I knew when I deserved it, and I knew when I didn’t. So this was really a waste of Aunt Susan’s money and my time.

Dr. Laura Kuhnz smiled and she put a hand on Aunt Susan’s shoulder. “So, I have them for ninety minutes, is that right?”

“Yes,” Aunt Susan said.

“Then go do something for that time, and I’ll try to see what we can accomplish today.”

When Aunt left the room, I sat back folding my arms, and prepared to be probed, but I was going to put up as many barriers as I could. I didn’t want my brain probed, and I didn’t think I needed to talk about my feelings or about what happened several years ago. It wasn’t important to today, was it?

My privates felt a little clammy, and I knew I was wet. I might even smell a little bit from it, but the doctor didn’t seem to know about my secret yet.

“Alright,” Doctor Kuhnz said. “How about we begin with something simple, shall we?”

I shrugged. I didn’t really understand the context of simple or complicated. I was in an environment that was completely out of my experience, and I was with a stranger with my sister, and I don’t ever remember being with a stranger with just my sister and me for as long as I could remember. Lacey’s dad was a jerk, but he didn’t leave us with strangers.

“My name is Doctor Laura Kuhnz,” the doctor told us, as if we didn’t already know or couldn’t figure that out. I shrugged, and Lacey looking at me, copied me, folded her arms and shrugged.

“Well, it is polite when someone tells you their name, for you to do so in return.”

“But you already know our name,” Lacey said truthfully. I looked at her with pride in my eyes. She wasn’t going to fall for this woman’s act either. Whatever she thought she could get from us, I am sure that she is going to be disappointed.

“Honey, it’s still polite,” the doctor said. “Besides, I forgot. Can you please tell me your name?”

“Fine,” Lacey said with a little pout, tightening her grip on her arms that were folded in front of her. “I’m Lacey,” and she looked over at me.

I shrugged. I didn’t care what was polite, did I?

 

The room started to feel a little chilly, and I decided, maybe telling her my name isn’t so bad. “Alright, I’m Valana,” I said thinking that she wasn’t going to get anything else out of me.

“You are sisters, aren’t you?” the doctor asked us.

We looked at each other, and reluctantly nodded.

“So, do you fight often over stuff, like toys or food?”

I shook my head no. “Why should we? Lacey has her own favorite things, and I have mine. And there is nothing to fight about with food. If it is limited, it just makes sense that you feed the younger child first because she can’t wait as long as the bigger one can.”

The lady nodded. “Lacey? What do you have to say about this?”

Lacey frowned. “It’s like Valana said. If there is too little, my sister gives me the food, and Valana doesn’t really play with the things that I like to play with, so there is no problem with sharing toys.”

The chill in the place seemed to be getting worse.

“Does anyone ever pick on you, Lacey?” the woman asked.

“That’s not your business,” I told the lady. “If anyone picks on Lacey, she just comes to me. I will set anyone straight that she doesn’t have a chance with, and I teach her how to deal with people her age.”

“And how do you deal with people your own age who bully you?” Doctor Kuhnz asked me.

“That depends, and honestly, I don’t think I want to go through and tell you about how I’d do it.”

The lady frowned at me, but I just kept my arms folded. Do I have to be polite to her? Do I have to do what she says? I don’t think Aunt Susan told me I had to. She wasn’t telling me to stop that, and to be good and do what I’m told. Honestly, I didn’t want to talk to her because of something else.

The room felt like it got a couple of shades darker than it was at the beginning. The chill in the air was getting cooler. My leg was shaking, but I didn’t have to go potty. I had already peed all the way in the car.

“I see,” Dr. Kuhnz took down some notes.

Her taking notes made me a little more nervous, and my legs were now bouncing and my knees vibrated on each other as has they knocked into each other.

“Honey, do you need the toilet?” the lady asked me.

“No?!” I exclaimed in surprise.

She smiled and turned to Lacey. Lacey was moving nervously in her seat.

“You don’t need to talk to her,” I told the lady, but Lacey nodded at me and looked down thinking I was talking to her. I didn’t correct Lacey on her thinking for the moment. I felt like the less that Lacey said to her, the better.

Dr. Kuhnz turned my direction. Good. Her attention was on me, not on defenseless little Lacey.

“That wasn’t very nice,” the lady chastised me. I knew it wasn’t, and I flinched when she said something, expecting her to backhand me or something, but she never went to slap me.

The room grew even yet darker. I shivered at the chill I felt. I knew it was coming, but I tried to keep my wits about me. Just a little longer, I figured, and we could get out of here, and aunt would chase it away.

“I’m not going to hurt you,” Dr. Kuhnz told me, but I shrugged at her. I didn’t care if she hurt me, as long as she left my little sister alone. I could see Lacey starting to shuffle a little more and I gave her a look and shook my head slightly at her. She knew what I was signaling. She had to know. If I made her wet her pants, she knew it was to protect her.

She looked down again, and nodded. She understood.

The lady looked from me to Lacey and saw Lacey just looking down. “What was that about?” she asked me.

“Nothing,” I told Dr. Kuhnz. “It’s just between my sister and me.”

“I see.”

The lady got up from where she was and went and got a cat and a dog stuffed toy, and she went over and got in front of Lacey. I frowned. She didn’t look like she was hitting her, so I let her talk to her, but I was trying really hard to listen to what they were saying.

The dark presence was behind me. The cold voice of disappointment and anger rang out from beyond a past time. I was slipping. It felt as if I was free falling, and had no idea of how long it would take to get to the ground, but when I did, it would probably break all my bones….

 

The darkness was clearing, and I felt myself sitting in an office. I wasn’t wearing a diaper, and my pants were soaking wet. I was sitting on a hard wood chair, and there was a man I didn’t know, the principal, and my mother. Of course, Lacey’s dad was there, too.

“Your teacher says she keeps finding bruises on your shoulders and your back,” the strange man told me.

What could I do? I am just a kid in fifth grade, or was I in fourth grade? I don’t remember this particular episode so well, but I know it happened. I wanted to get away from the teacher when I was checked, but I was told not to fight adults, but I was told not to show under my shirt to anyone either. I thought it had to do with decency before.

“Can you tell me where your bruise on your lower back came from?” the strange man asked me.

“I don’t know,” I said. “I was playing outside and something hit me in the back at school during recess the other day. Maybe someone threw a rock or something at me. I am not sure.”

The man looked at the principal and my teacher.

“And you were fighting with your sister and your sister pushed you into the door knob?” the man asked me.

I nodded.

“I’ve had a talk with her little sister yesterday,” he told my parents and me which I could tell surprised them. “There is no way a little kid that size can push her into a door knob so hard as to make a bruise like this,” the man told us. “Now, if there are problems at home, we can help you, but you have to be willing to accept our help.”

“It’s nothing like that,” Lacey’s dad said.

“Are you sure?” the man asked him and my mom, too.

My mom looked down. “Lacey did push Valana into a door, and it looked like Valana’s back did hit the door knob, but Valana has been getting bullied at school, too. She could have been hit by her bully.”

The man made some notes. “And what have you done about the bullying problem?”

“We reported it once, but as the school didn’t seem to take it seriously, we didn’t know what else to do.”

The principal frowned when the man looked back at him. “I have her file with me because it’s not just the marks on her that concern me, and the reason I have brought him in to talk,” he told my parents.

I felt a sudden fear well up in me. I was actually scared more so than when Lacey’s dad hit me, and something about that man really made me feel like something bad was going to happen.

“She’s been peeing at her seat in class,” the principal went on. “And she’s not been doing any homework, but when the teacher talks to her, the teacher can tell there is no rebellious tone to her at all. Even when she is defensive about why she didn’t do an assignment, she is far more apologetic than her peers. There are a lot of things that look suspicious to me.”

Those last words echoed out as I remember hearing somewhere within the darkness that we have to move now, and that that man was going to separate Lacey from me, and we would be taken from our mother, and our mom was going to prison, just because I have to pee my pants all the time and they caught me at school! I forgot I had peed my pants sometimes in elementary school. I didn’t remember I did it much in school because the teachers almost always let me go at that time. I shook. This lady reminded me of that man, and the less said in front of her, the better.

 

I came out of the darkness, crying, tears streaking down my face, and I had been moved to the sofa, where they laid me down. I felt a cool breeze on my privates, and reaching my hands down, realized they had taken off my pants and my diaper. The doctor knew I peed my pants! I embarrassed my aunt. Where was Lacey?

“Lacey!” I cried harder.

Lacey came running over and held my hand. “I’m here,” she said. “You had another memory,” she told me. “I had to tell her about your memories because you were crying and upset, and saying no, no no, a lot! When she carried you over, she found out you peed, so she took off your pants and your diaper.”

“I want my pants back,” I whined.

“I was about to put them on you,” Dr. Kuhnz said. “Your pants are dry. But I do know what a wet diaper feels like. I’ve dealt with a lot of traumatized kids, so don’t be scared, honey.”

I only got more scared though. Was she going to call that man back and have him take Lacey from me, and take our mom from us, and force us to live somewhere where you don’t eat, you don’t have even a minute to think, and you are always doing something for the people that run the kid place?

As I was holding Lacey, I could feel the back of her butt was wet. I caused her to pee her pants. I am so stupid. I shouldn’t have told her not to ask to go. Now the woman will call that man! I’m sorry Lacey. “I’m sorry, Lacey.” I spoke aloud.

“Why are you sorry?” Lacey asked.

I looked up at the woman, and didn’t want to give her any ideas she already didn’t have, so I whispered to Lacey. “I’ll tell you later if we still get to see each other.”

The woman bent down and looking at me, she asked. “What makes you think you won’t get to see each other. She noticed that my little sister’s pants were wet at that moment, and she smiled. “You wet your pants, too, honey?”

Lacey looked down and nodded.

“It’s okay, sweetheart. Let me get your sister’s pants back on her, and then I’ll see if I have something you can wear until your aunt comes back.”

I hugged Lacey while the woman was looking for something for Lacey.

“I got scared when you went into your memory. The doctor asked you like six questions, and then asked me why you were ignoring her, as if she knew, you couldn’t answer.”

“I’m sorry,” I mumbled ashamed I let the void dream pull me away and not be there to help my little sister. I hoped my mistake didn’t get her taken from me. Wait. Lacey’s dad said he would get her. Was this woman in on helping him get Lacey back? I shook some more.

The lady came back with a skirt, and then she started to help Lacey undress. “Let’s get your wet things off, sweetheart.”

“Okay,” she said looking down. Both Lacey and me know better than to argue with an adult if the adult is in charge of something, and changing our pants, that was usually always an adult’s job, so I had no choice but to let her change Lacey.

 

Finally, our aunt came in just as the lady finished putting clean clothes on Lacey.

“What’s going on?” aunt demanded.

“Your nieces both wet. One soaked her diaper, but didn’t get her pants wet, so I just changed her diaper, and the other one wet all over her pants, so I put her in a skirt, but I’m afraid I don’t have any panties to put on her.”

“Oh,” Aunt Susan blushed.

I knew it. I embarrassed Aunt Susan. I shouldn’t have wet my pants in the car. I shouldn’t have told Lacey to wet her pants. But would the lady have let us to go the bathroom together? I didn’t want Lacey out of my sight, and I was hoping she would not be found out until Aunt came to get us.

Aunt Susan put down a bag, and she pulled out a pair of panties for Lacey, and she told her to put them on. Lacey did so with a smile. She knew better than to take off her panties, but the woman seemed to think it a good idea to take them off her anyway.

 

Once Aunt Susan had us out of the office with the doctor, she took us to the bathroom, where she helped Lacey put a pad in her panties, and she helped me get a diaper on with pads before putting my pants back on me.

“It’s okay, little ones,” Aunt Susan told us. “She’s a professional. She’s seen little kids pee their pants before. You are not the worst case she has ever seen, okay? You can come back, and I bet she doesn’t even bring up you peed next time.”

“Can Lacey wear a diaper next time we meet her?” I asked Aunt Susan. “I don’t want her going off on her own, and I don’t trust her not to let us go together.”

“I could ask her to let you go together.”

“But I don’t trust her no matter what she tells you,” I said looking down. “Lacey is really important to me, and I… um… I need to show you something.”

Aunt Susan nodded and when we were in the car, I waited by the front seats before going to my place by Jason, and after Aunt Susan was in, I pulled out the paper from my pocket, and I gave it to her. I was scared, and I was shaking, worried something worse could happen, but I wasn’t sure I could protect Lacey by myself, and my Aunt and Uncle seemed to really care.

“Where did you get this?” Aunt Susan demanded.

“Yesterday, when you caught me all scared. He showed up, I think for real, and he told me to give it to Lacey, but I didn’t want to scare her.”

Aunt Susan showed Uncle Scott the paper, and he frowned.

“Go sit by Jason,” Aunt Susan told me, and I took my place where Jason buckled me in.

“Do you think it’s safe to take them camping this weekend?” I heard my aunt though she thought she was whispering, I was very attentive when adults were talking about my sister or me.

“How would he know where we are going? When we get close to where we will camp, I’ll do some crazy turns and stuff and make unnecessary stops to see if we can identify if anyone is following us. Meanwhile, tomorrow, I’ll talk to the police, too, and show them the note.”

Aunt Susan nodded.