Trying my best ?

[TomBoyAB]

Hey guys

Just had to vent for a sec

Life overall has gotten kinda hectic for the past year or so

On October 8th, 2021 I walked into my uncle's (Craig) bedroom to find him curled up in a ball, with a belt wrapped around his arm, cold to the touch

Needless to say, he overdosed

I never really talked about it after it happened, because I figured my mother was the one who REALLY needed the support (seeing as how he was her little brother)

A few days after that (October 12th) is when I had to put my anxiety aside and finally get my driver's license.

I had had God awful anxiety over driving since I was 15, so I constantly put it off

After my uncle's passing, I didn't really have a choice but to get my license, seeing as how he would have been the driver if my mother was too busy

I managed to focus enough to pass my test and get my license 

However, after the test, I heard my mother and step-dad talking:

"Well, Kat, you know that he had a bad heart... and he knew that once Chan (me) got her license, it was only a matter of time before he wouldn't have her car to drive anymore. He just didn't seem to see a way out."

" I know, Bob. But it doesn't make it easier to deal with... You know, the day it happened, Craig walked up to me and hugged me from behind and said 'I love my sissy!'...

I was so mad at him (I don't even remember why now) and I shoo'ed him off of me and said 'Yeah, I know you do'

And that was the last thing I said to him..."

I wanted to try and comfort my mother, but I've never been good with such things...

I try not to think about how he must have felt, doing that one last hit...

I called in to work, letting them know what happened

I took the next few days off to help with everything

And then I took my driving test and passed 

But I still felt... weird, about the whole thing

I know thats not the best way to describe it...

I guess it never really hit me that I lost a family member, you know?

I never knew Craig before he was on drugs...

So, about a month after it happened, I glanced at his Urn and I asked my mother:

"I honestly never knew him before his addiction, Momma... 

What was he like?"

We were watching Fresh Prince of Bel Air on TBS at the time

She pointed to the TV and said:

"Picture Will Smith as Fresh Prince, but White

That was the only difference, Chan

He LOVED music

Could beat ANYONE in basketball 

Loved learning about and fixing cars

Would give the shirt off his back to help others 

And could make anyone laugh or smile because he was the biggest goofball."

And that's when I had to excuse myself because it finally hit me

I started crying because thats when I finally realized just WHO had left us... 

 

Things were calming down for a few months. Then in March, my stepfather walks in one day and says:

"Hey we're moving!"

I went BALLISTIC. 

Where?!

Why?!

How?!

Everyone else was ECSTATIC because they were moving to a river house.

I, on the other hand, can go without seeing the water.

So, that meant I had to up and leave a house I had known for the past 18 years

And of course

It wouldn't just go smoothly with us leaving a home we had all known for damn near 2 decades and having to give up a job I actually enjoyed while actually being friends with my coworkers...

Because the Universe just had to ask "where's the fun in that?"... ?

On April 15th, my grandma passed away

And that hasn't been easy either, considering that my Nana and my Grandma were my REAL mother figures growing up

Nana passed away when I was 12 

And now Grandma was gone...

It felt so surreal to me... it still kinda does

The family was told that she was in the hospital, but no one seemed too concerned about it...

I could only assume it was because she seemed to be on the mend for awhile (?)

She apparently got a really bad infection, which was causing severe pain

When she was lucid, she told her doctors that if the pain became too much, to just let her go

So, that's what happened.

I've felt terrible ever since

We were given a phone number to call for her hospital room... but I just couldn't bring myself to call

What if she was resting, and I was disturbing her?

What if they were running tests, so I couldn't talk to her anyway?

What if this was going to be the very last time I ever spoke to the last mother figure I had left?

...

Dear God, I wished I picked up that damn phone

I wish I told her that I missed her and that I loved her (even if we were never THAT emotional with eachother)

I wish I could have let her know how much her guidance meant to me...

But I didn't

And now I'm here, in my Dad and stepmother's house

Feeling teary eyed and nauseous from being too emotional all at once

But I gotta try and get some sleep because Chan (Big me) has to go to work tomorrow 

Sorry that was such a long winded rant

I just had to get it out somehow

If you stuck around through all that built up drama, then thank you for putting up with all this emotional verbal vomit ??

I hope yall have a good night and stay safe! 

P.S. 

Always say "I love you"

You'll never know when it'll be the last time 

❤

 

 

[feralfreak]

i lost my granny in the early 90s, mammaw in late 90s and papaw early 2000s, it can be like wearing 20 grit sandpaper underwear on a good day, but none are REALLY dead, absent from the body is present with the Lord, for everyone, believer and non believer, and God knows all that was in someones life, you will see them again when your time is up, just PLEASE dont try to rush it.