Dummy? 1-30

[Les Lea]

Part 30

Everything’s going to be alright - what the hell was that supposed to MEAN for heaven’s sake? I’d heard it so often but had become one of those refrains that was intended to put me at ease but didn’t quite fulfil its obligation. For instance, why wasn’t it... alright now?

Anyway, she wasn’t going to start with the explanation until I’d been to see Billy but was curious so thought I’d nip over straight away and get that sorted before I did anything else. I was almost out the door before I realised I was still only wearing my padding. Although the pink disposable and matching plastic pants looked terrific, I quickly hoofed it back to my room for fleecy shorts and jumper.

I wasn’t looking forward to this meeting because I was nervous of what Billy might still be thinking... and then with my pressy... would he appreciate such a reminder. Also, what if things between the Edwards family had deteriorated and even Mark wasn’t speaking to me... what then? All these negative thoughts were in my head but when I got to the house I saw Mark in the garden wearing his school football kit whilst playing keepy-up with a black and white football.

“Hi Mark,” he hadn’t seen me approach.

“Oh hi Jase... fancy a kick about?” He seemed pleased to see me so that was something.

“What in the park?”

“Afraid not, mum doesn’t want me to leave the garden so...” He’d resigned himself to staying where he was.

His white polyester football shorts were quite flimsy so the padding underneath was fairly apparent but he didn’t seem that bothered. Mark had been the one who’d objected most to having to wear nappies at the beginning but now...

He kicked the ball to me but without any force so I simply tapped it back. This wasn’t going to be that exciting a game but I did notice that his padding looked firm and tight and again I wondered if it had been Billy who’d fastened him in.

“On your own?” I said looking toward the house but he just shrugged and deftly kicked the ball up and into his hands like a professional.

“Yer, just little old me,” he replied looking a bit fed up.

“I see. Sorry, I just came to give Billy this,” and held out the plastic bag for him to see I’d brought something.

“What is it?”

“Well, it’s his birthday in a couple of days’ time and I won’t be here, so, thought I’d give him his card and pressy now.”     

“Oh, that sounds nice... but he’s not here at the moment he’s in the school’s swimming competition down at the pool. Dad’s there... in support.” He shrugged again.

“Didn’t you fancy it?” I know normally he’s a big supporter of whatever his brother does but this time I saw that shrug.

“He’s being a bit... you know... annoying since your last visit...”

He didn’t say any more so I could only guess what might have transpired but if Mark was here, then I guess he must have ticked him off as well as his mum and dad.

However, I thought things might have become more difficult but wasn’t going to take the blame for something I thought his mum had caused.

“Does he blame me...”

“No, no, no Jase, of course not, no one’s blaming you but he said something to mum and dad and, if it hadn’t been a school gala, he’d not have been allowed out.”

“Does that mean there’s not going to be an eighteenth party for him?” I wondered.

“I don’t know mum and dad are pretty annoyed with him right now but... well...”

“Is he still wearing,” without actually saying the word I pointed to his padding, “like you?”

“Yes, that’s not changed but said he doesn’t want to return to school next year so that’s caused a bit of an argument.”

I knew that his parents had been very disappointed that he failed his exams and thought he might have done it on purpose. I also knew to a certain extent he had but his mum and dad wanted him to go to University. It was all a bit of a mess because he also fancied Uni but of course the nappies had played a big part in his refusal to do as they wanted. He’d sat his exams at a particularly angry time but think he actually regretted his action. I remember him saying after he’d got his results that he wanted to find work like I had. I just hoped his parents didn’t blame me for that influence as well.

Meanwhile, Mark was standing holding the ball to his chest and swaying on the spot looking like an innocent little ten year-old. I think without his older brother around Mark does become more unworldly and slightly more childlike, well, his bulging shorts at least adding to that perception.

“Oh, poor Billy.” I was glad it wasn’t me that had caused the problem but still. “Well, Mark, can you take this and give it to him on his birthday with all my best.”

I passed him the package. I could see he wanted to know what it was but told him with a smile he’d find out soon enough. He checked to see that his mother wasn’t looking and whispered he’d go straight to their room and hide it until then.

“The offer still stands for you both to come up to the Lakes and stay.” 

“I’m sure we’d like that.” But shrugged because he knew that it would be down to what his parents decided not what they wanted.

He seemed down and I didn’t know if it was because of the family situation or the fact I was leaving. Part of me hoped that it was because he was going to miss me because I knew I was going to miss him and his brother.

“OK Mark,” I gave him a strong hug and of course patted his padded bottom. It was nice because he did the same to me. “I hope to see you both again soon... please keep in touch.”

There was a slight grope from each of us which was very pleasant... mutual appreciation I hoped.

There was so much more I could have said, wanted to say, to tell him and Billy just how much I’d miss them but perhaps it was better that a hug would convey all that.

So, that was my duty done and glad Billy didn’t see me as the culprit of whatever his disagreement with his parents happened to be. However, it was quite a wrench to leave here and my emotions were beginning to add weight to my disposable.

I told Mark again I’d miss him and clung on for perhaps longer than I should but he didn’t seem to mind. “Give Billy a hug from me.” I said and was surprised that tears were streaming down his face. The sentiment was more than I bargained for so quickly finished the clinch and left trying to hide my wet face. I could feel my nappy warming and didn’t know if that was a good sign or bad because at that moment there was so much going on in it. I needed a distraction... time to get home and find out what mum had to say for herself.

#

“Oh baby, have you been crying?” She knew straight away. “Come here let me give you a cuddle.”

I went over and despite my determination to get to the bottom of what mum had to say, I appreciated her embrace even more. Once again, I felt tears streaming down my face as I thought that I might not see the boys ever again... and that was painful. Mum knew how emotional I can be so kept her hug going until I was calm. By then my nappy was absolutely sodden and she released her grip.

“OK sweetheart, I think you need a change so... let’s get my sweet, compassionate baby cleaned up and ready for bed...”

“Mum,” I interrupted, “we have something else to talk about.”

“Yes I know baby but why not after we’ve changed that soggy nappy” she said reasonably.

Reluctantly I pulled away and wiped my eyes. That heavy weight returned and it felt like I’d never come to terms with leaving.

“Poor baby,” mum said as she patted my saggy bum. “Don’t worry love, everything will be alright.”

I set off upstairs.

“I’ll be up in a minute sweetie so just leave everything to me.”

“Mum it’s OK I can see to it myself.”

“I know love but... just leave it to me, mmm?”

She went off to the kitchen whilst I made my way upstairs. As I’ve mentioned, the bedroom looked quite stark without the posters and stuff that used to adorn the walls and surfaces but the mirror showed that I did indeed look like I needed help. My face was streaked, my eyes puffy and my hair unkempt. I eased the fleecy shorts down and thankfully, as always, the plastic pants had done a fantastic job of holding everything in place, but the disposable had filled out quite a bit.

As always it had done its job of containment and I was grateful.  To some it might seem incredible that at my age I was still thankful for my fantastic babyish underwear. But the number of times they have prevented a pee stain, or worse, I’ve lost count. What I do know is that they give me confidence and when I see how solid and firm they become because of my unruly bladder I’m truly thankful to whoever invented disposables and plastic pants.

I was still looking in the mirror when mum arrived and immediately started to pull down the plastic cover. I wasn’t going to complain I’d already decided to let her get on with it and mum’s a master at sorting such things out quickly. Next she released the tapes and held it so it didn’t splat on the carpet. I just hoped she wasn’t going to inspect it too closely otherwise she’d have seen just how emotional I’d got about leaving the boys.

I looked at mum because I knew just how much I relied on her to ‘make things right’. However, even with my naked, greasy teenage bits and pieces on show it felt like I was back to being a toddler and needed her more than ever before.

“OK baby, go and give yourself a good wipe down whilst I get you a fresh nappy.” She hadn’t missed a thing.

It didn’t take long but when I returned after a thorough sponging she’d laid out my changing mat, had all the powder and lotions at hand and had another large pink disposable all fluffed out and waiting. I knew the drill.

In seconds she had all my dangly bits nicely oiled, powdered and fitted the lovely soft, thick disposable with barely any effort. There was a pair of clear plastic pants that she flapped out and fed up my legs and finally, what was probably my last clean t-shirt, slipped over my head.

“OK baby I think you’ll do,” pushing my hair to one side. “Shall we have that chat?” She held out her hand and we toddled back downstairs and into the living room.

#

I sat on the sofa wearing only what mum had just put me in, which once more I hadn’t thought twice about. She went to the kitchen and returned with another baby’s bottle of milk, which I anticipated was sweetly flavoured.

“Right,” she joked looking down on me, “assume the position.”

Like last time mum settled herself into the corner whilst I draped myself onto her lap so I was looking up at her.

“There now... get comfortable...” and she brought the bottle to my lips.

I nudged it away. “Mum I can’t speak or ask questions if I’m sucking on a bottle.”

“No baby you can’t but I’m hoping what I’m going to tell you will answer all your concerns.”

She slipped the latex teat in as I was trying to make up my mind what to say next.

This was quite a bizarre situation and I had no real idea of how we’d got to this place, this moment, this acceptance of so meekly becoming a little kid. Perhaps I was about to find out.

“There now... just enjoy the milk for a moment and then I can start.”

Once I’d got the flow going, and the sweet warmness filled my mouth. Granny’s Magic Milk was some kind of elixir that ticked all the boxes - I was hooked and I think mum knew that too.

“OK, let me start with something you may have worked out already.”

But I was now only considering the honey and milk combo that seemed to be something the God’s must have invented... was this Nectar?

Why I’d suddenly forgotten my original question and focused on the drink I don’t know but... hell, was it tasty.

With her holding the bottle in one hand and softly patting my silky plastic bottom with the other she began.

#

“You asked me who Granny and Aunt Jane were talking about when they mentioned someone being autistic,” she stroked my bottom affectionately. “Well, it wasn’t all about you it was daddy.”

For a second I stopped sucking taking in this information and wondered why she’d said daddy and not dad. I was about to ask when mum pushed the teat back between my lips and continued.

“Your daddy was autistic and although it was not spoken about much when he was young, HIS father recognised he was different, though not necessarily why.”

She nodded to herself as I sucked.

“From an early age your granddaddy, on your father’s side, would recognise some little quirk or foible and react positively to it. After all, his boy, his only son, was his pride and joy...

“Wike I am youshhh.” I spoke around the bottle.

“Yes... like you’re mine... and gran’s... and aunties,” she returned the teat to my mouth and encouraged me to drink. “But back then it was something few people were aware of or simply didn’t understand. However, your granddaddy would have none of that; his son was perfect - just different - so worked with him rather than dismissing those little, or to some, strange idiosyncrasies.”

I’d got my sucking rhythm back so was enjoying the sweetness more than ever. However, mum was telling me something I’d not heard before and I knew it was leading to something about me.

“In many ways your granddaddy was ahead of his time because nothing was too much trouble as far as his son was concerned. He passed that empathy and understanding onto his son and explained he wasn’t strange or peculiar, just different in the way he thought... and that was a good thing. “Who’d want everyone thinking the same, nothing would ever get invented if that was the case?” was something your granddaddy used to say.

This was incredible news. Daddy, erm, dad was autistic but how come it had never been spoken about.

“Mum, why are you telling me this now?”

“Well sweetheart... your daddy and my daddy, your grandad, seemed to bond over you and the way you were. Even as a little kid you loved being a little kid even as you got older. It was one of those ‘foibles’ you daddy recognised and explained to grandad.”

She was patting my bottom...

I slid the teat out. “Mmmuuumm,”

“Yes love.”

“Have I inherited dad’s idiosyncrasies?”

She stopped patting my padding. “Well you have cut to the chase haven’t you?”

She eased me back into what was left of the milk and waited until I started suckling again.

A quick cuddle and then she was back with more of her explanation.

#

“No, but you have your own ways...” She hugged me to take the sting out of what she was about to say, “but yours are now becoming the main thing in your life.”

In spite of the calming influence of the drink this was news. In what way was I ‘different’? I was about to ask if she meant the nappies but she beat me to it. She stroked my padded bum.

“These are the way you appear to want to live and have come to define you.” She smiled an encouraging smile, “and we all love you for it.”

I had to think about this for a moment. In some ways she was right, I had slipped into being a big kid but surely that’s because she’d encouraged it. I mean, I had a grown up job, I was mixing with others and passed exams and such... I had SEX... that’s not what a little kid did.

“I can see the thoughts in your head sweetheart,” mum frowned a little as it looked like she could actually read them. “You’re thinking about how grown up you’ve been. Am I right?”

I nervously nodded because it appeared she could read my mind.

“You’re thinking that the colourful clothes and encouraging you to appear like you are now wearing just a nappy and these lovely crinkly plastic pants is all down to me, right?”

Again I nodded guiltily around the milk that was almost gone.

“The thing is baby, I have done all those things because I’ve seen the anxiety in your eyes and in the way you react to the world when you’re unsure. I’ve seen what you need to make that stress go away and I’ve provided it.” She was patting my padded bum again, “These are what you needed to keep the pressure away. Daddy recognised all this very early on that once you had them you could have fun... you could relax... you could be you.”

I sucked harder thinking this through and wondering about daddy... erm... dad.

“Even as a youngster himself, after his parents died and was sent to live with his aunt, uncle and cousins, he knew how to care for people. It was like a special sense; he had this connection with people and instinctively knew what was needed. He was a very special man.”

Was mum telling me I was special or only that he saw I needed something special?

#

I slurped the last taste of the milk down and pondered if mum was correct, I did feel better wearing a nappy and little else, I did have fun when wearing them, I did enjoy the childish side of it all. I mean, look at me, drinking from a baby’s bottle, wearing nothing but a nappy, being curled up and cuddling mum, this is not what a nineteen year old does... well except for me. Then the words of the Deliveroo chap entered my head “...so the rumours were true.” I mean, WHAT! What rumours? Who else knew?

Mum changed tack.

“When I went up to Gran’s to help out you were the main topic of conversation. Believe it or not she predicted that you wouldn’t be at Collins’s for much longer and pleaded with me, if that happened, to move us both back up to be with her and Jane.”

How the hell had Gran been able to forecast losing my job? My head was back to thinking about conspiracy theories to get me back to the Lakes. Was Gran some kind of soothsayer, or Nostradamus or some such...?

“Once she’d played on my guilt for not being around,” mum gave a small laugh as if thinking how clever her mum had been to manipulate her, “I’d told her you were happy and settled and had no intention of moving. However, as we talked wondered if she could get you to agree if she did something special for you... she settled on the refurbishment of the basement.”

“But why if you said we weren’t coming?” I didn’t understand how she could make that leap.

“Well, as I’ve mentioned Granny had already done a good job of making me feel guilty so one way or another I’d promised that we’d visit more often...”

I interrupted. “But how did she know to fill it with...?”

“Well, to be honest, that was mainly me. I’ve been your mum all your life,” she grinned at her silly observation, “and I hope I can tell when my little boy needs something special in his life. I’ve watched how you are around your friends, what you watch on TV and see your eyes light up when certain programmes or features come on screen. I remembered things we’d talked about over the years and suddenly realised, like how you missed dad, you missed some of those things as well. So sweetheart, we put together what I hoped would be something that would make you happy because that’s who you are... a sweet little boy... who just happens to be nineteen.”

“But I have, erm, had a job, I’m a grown up...” I reiterated but wasn’t sure if I was angry or just trying to justify myself.

“Look love, although you wanted to be upset when you lost your job... I suspect it was a kind of relief.”

I shook my head but said nothing.

“Your body language always tells me when you’re anxious, happy, sad or excited... like now when you’re unsure.”

“But mum...”

“It’s true love, you recovered from the news very quickly and I suspect you’ve hardly thought about your job, um, ex-job, since you’ve left...”

The thought of screaming a denial, swearing a protest and simply saying she was wrong flew into my head. That weight returned and I felt it pressing heavily on my chest and finding it hard to breath but there was nothing I could do.

Was this guilt about something I wasn’t aware of or simply realising the big changes that have happened so recently and so quickly? I could feel on the verge of a panic attack yet knew that I had nothing to fear... it was a strange and confusing event.

But my head was spinning, the basement was absolutely full of things, how did she know I would like them?

Mum continued to point out a few ‘facts’ like how I became more reliant, and indeed insistent, on wearing nappies to work and using them. How I needed to have my dummy with me ‘just in case’.

Mum continued pointing out my reaction to the sacking but of course she’s correct, the only real time I’ve thought about the work was after I’d received texts from Tom and Terry... even then I wasn’t thinking about work exactly. I tried to defend myself.

“But I’d cried when Mrs Garfield said I had to leave.”

“Sometimes that’s all a little boy who wears his heart on his sleeve can do... it’s what we love about you but, think about it, without Tom in the picture how long do you think you really would have lasted, mmm?”

It was true. With the likes of Tridwell I didn’t stand a chance but with a ‘hero’ like Tom I was saved. He protected me, included me, was special... oh God!

I thought about what she was saying and tried to refute her opinion but then shamefully remembered Terry and how, when I couldn’t play with one ‘toy’ (Tom), quickly found another to occupy me. Thankfully, mum didn’t know about him, or at least I hoped not, unless Gran had foretold that... oh God, it didn’t bear thinking about. I was hopeless.

“I’m not having a go sweetheart just giving you some specifics as I see them. You know that everyone loves you for who you are. Gran’s happiest memories are when you were a little toddler and the antics you two got up to were ‘epic’. You just loved being together and...

I zoned out a bit at that moment because another thought entered in my head and not for the first time; No, really... just how did Gran know I’d lose my job?

#

As I lay there in mum’s arms I could feel myself getting more and more upset because I wasn’t sure I agreed or that any of it made sense despite mum painting a pretty convincing picture. There were too many what ifs... I mean, what if Mr Tridwell hadn’t instigated his claim? What if Tom and I were still together? What if... but my argument ran dry when I realised that none of that was the case now. We were where we were and I was on my mummy’s lap and I’d just finished sucking on a baby’s bottle... and it seemed fine... even if the conversation was a bit difficult to take in. The thing was, I thoroughly enjoyed the fact that mum was stroking my silky padded bottom as she spoke. It was like no matter what was said, THIS would never change. I latched back in to what she was saying...

“...Granny made me promise that if our circumstances altered then we’d move in. I was happy to agree because it didn’t seem likely that anything would change... but then it did... so...”

So Granny had easily convinced mum to move back but why had I been so easily charmed into returning... surely not simply because of a new childish bedroom... even if it was quite spectacular?

Whenever Gran and I had talked she kept insisting that her home was my home and the safest place to be. The people who loved me would all be together and added with her inevitable twinkle, the place lit up when I was around.

To add to the debate the milk had gone straight through me and I was flooding my nappy and the warmth was making me doubt any conviction at all that I was a grown up. Mum’s and Gran’s words were bouncing around my head and I tried to deny or at least argue all the points made but I was numb.

How I got to this stage was still a mystery but mum had given me plenty to think about. She’d made it sound like it had all been anticipated and was a natural progression. Despite the evidence I still wasn’t convinced.

She pushed a dummy between my lips but I spat it out. Despite filling the front of my padding I didn’t want to admit defeat. However, mum was having none of it and a tap, the equivalent of a chastised baby slap, on my warming slippery yet soggy bottom made it so that when she tried again I accepted.

She smiled sweetly and rubbed my silky bottom now I was no longer putting up any resistance.

“There now sweetie, it’s been a pretty intense day and we have a lot to do tomorrow. So, I think we should get you into a nice fresh, fluffy nappy and into bed... don’t you?”

# # # # #

Just over a week later was my birthday and received a huge new train track to expand the one laid out. It was a present from Gran who said the oddest thing...  “the bigger the track, the more fun”. I remembered when daddy and I talked about getting a train set just before he died, he’d said exactly the same and we laughed at the prospect of taking over my entire bedroom with mass tracks leading to weird and wonderful destinations. That was when I was eight, I’m nineteen now and yet... the new gift excited me though Granny’s words haunted me. Weird or what?   

I also received loads of other things to have fun with from mum and aunty, like a bubble machine, LEGO and Play-doh, things I’d loved playing with as a kid and more models and scenery for the track. It looked like what dad and I had spoken about was happening; the train track was going to take over the entire area.

My bedroom became a favourite place to be and a fortress where I played. The fact that toys I’d planned to give away were now residing back with me, and the video games and console had all gone, meant my only electric entertainment was the train set. Some of the toys I hadn’t played with since I was at junior school had found their way back into joyful use. It all seemed so natural that I should find so much pleasure in the simplest of games and toys. Toys, just a few weeks ago I would never have given any thought at all to were now my favourite play things. Everywhere in my bedroom was a fun space so there was very little spare flooring that hadn’t been designated for entertainment purposes.

Even on my own it never felt like I was alone... I’d talk to the little figures that were going on their train journeys and they’d chat back. I’d explain to no one in particular what I was building or where the toy cars I was pushing were going. All the stuffed toys also seemed to have their own personalities and we’d discuss the events going on in the basement and between us make decisions. There always seemed to be a loving presence participating in my enjoyment... even if I couldn’t see it.

It all felt such a long time ago since I was an Assistant Lab Technician. In fact, I wasn’t sure if that wasn’t all some weird dream and this was what I’d always done... soggy nappy and all.

#

It was a pleasurable indulgence when I went to bed because I would be changed and wrapped in nice thick layers of fabric. Mum said that her, Gran and Aunty were wrapping me in their love and it certainly felt that way. They were all frequent visitors to my domain and we shared many happy hours playing and having fun whilst enjoying their own special journey... everyone seemed to love trains.

What was nice, on my birthday I got a card from Billy and Mark which, apart from wishing me a Happy Birthday, said that in the next school break their mum and dad were coming up to the Lakes to stay at The Grove for a long weekend and they would love to come and stay with me if the offer was still there. There was no mention of my present as to whether it was hated or loved although I suppose the fact that they wanted to come was a good enough response.

I must admit that I was bit saddened that on his birthday I hadn’t received a thank you or even an acknowledgement about his present and wondered if things might have gotten worse. However, with this card there was no indication of what had been agreed, or what punishment had been applied, to get Billy back in his parent’s good books if they were allowing them both to come and stay. I hoped that it was all agreeable and that Billy had realised, like Mark had, when things were ‘better’... nappy or not... it was better.

I suppose I could have called them but I’d more or less stopped using my mobile, in fact I didn’t know where it was, but also didn’t want to call in case I made matters worse. I’d needed them to call me but the birthday card would suffice. I’d call them later to try and fix up the actual dates.

I looked around the basement and although there was very little free space I was already planning on where they could sleep. At a push my bed was big enough for all of us but wasn’t sure if that would be acceptable. I also planned, if the weather was good, that we could camp outside in the back garden or maybe...?

It was ‘brain overload’, however, just the thought that they were able to come had me so excited that I filled my nappy but then I do that all the time now. Actually, I suppose I did it all the time before but now there are three people who just love to rush to change and slip me into something thick and colourful. I don’t complain I love the attention.

#

That Monday evening, before we moved, and the explanation mum offered as to why we should be with family hit me quite hard. Not in a boxing ‘knock out’ type of way but knowing that so much had been going on with me that although I knew was happening, I hadn’t connected any dots as to what it could mean.

I was thinking, like dad, I must be somewhere on this autistic spectrum (whatever that was) but I didn’t feel it. I mean, what did it entail? What were the symptoms? Why had no one mentioned it before? Surely because I liked to wear nappies wasn’t... but perhaps it was. Was escaping back to childhood one of the pointers? I wasn’t sure. Perhaps, it had always been a possibility and they were just waiting for me to accept it. This was awful because although stuff was in my head I just couldn’t formulate the words and when I did, they seemed stupid. I wish dad had been here to explain it all.

I couldn’t equate the two different parts of who I thought I was – I loved nappies of course, that was obvious to everybody. I also loved the fact, for a short while at least, I was working with others and had found a boyfriend... and we’d done the deed. Surely that meant I was an adult but mum had inferred that I had just been playing at it. I know she wasn’t trying to be unkind or belittle my achievements but the fact that every time I set off to work she knew there was ‘her little boy still inside’... well that just seemed a strange thing to think. I had no idea what signals I must have been sending out for her to think that way.

What was even more worrying was... was it just mum that could see it or was it obvious to anyone with eyes? Was I only fooling myself that I was a ‘big boy’ and really everyone knew about that ‘little boy inside’?

#

Mum lay with me that night and gently stroked my head until she was sure I had no further questions. To begin with there seemed loads and loads of arguments but whenever I was about to voice them I got it into my head that dad agreed with mum and I should just relax and become the person I am... not the one I thought I should be. There was no denying I was growing up, well you can’t grow backwards, and yet...?

Mum had said at some point that I was a conundrum – I was very enthusiastic but that very enthusiasm caused anxiety. It wasn’t something I could always balance and then anxiety took over and when it did a dummy was needed to help calm the situation.

As I slept that night I was trying to piece it all together and find areas where I disagreed but the truth was I did want my comforts; the nappies, I did like a bottle, I loved the fuss and I’d been so happy when I could just let go and play with my toys. Living with my family meant that I’d be loved and protected and not only allowed to live such a life but positively encouraged to toddle as a toddler would. I smiled around dum-dum at that particular thought.

Of course, that was the other thing... all my life I’ve relied on a dummy and nappy to see me through any upset. If I looked around I still had those things and although I’d harboured thoughts about losing them, they were still very much part of my life. How often I’d relied on dum-dum to calm me I couldn’t think, maybe thousands of times over the years.

Another thought entered this head of mine – why had everything happened so fast? It seemed only a short while ago I was excited about getting a job and embarking on my adulthood and now... well... did I ever even have an adulthood to talk about? Was I always a little boy just playing at it? Did time stop for me when dad died and I’d been living a dream?

I thought of dad and this situation... the one he’d seemed to be getting me ready for since I was a toddler. I wish dad was here now.

After he’d died mum had taken up the challenge and now the family wanted to be part of letting me be just that... me. The realisation that my future had all been planned out but I just had to find my own way there came as a shock. Dad’s voice in my head seemed loud and clear, “Sweet baby boy everything’s going to be all right.” At that moment the weight on my chest lifted and all seemed well. He’d tried to prepare me from when I was little and ‘different’ not to be scared of who or what I was... so now was the chance to be that boy daddy, erm, dad, ummm, daddy knew me to be all those years ago.

#

I wondered if everything happened for a reason and found when we arrived at Gran’s all the things I’d put a blue sticker on had been brought to the house, and all those with a green sticker had been given away. The green to GO was as mum explained stuff to go that I no longer needed. The Blue was stuff to stay, what I wanted to keep and stay with us. This was the complete opposite of what I thought the colours meant. However, the result being... all I wanted to get rid of was back with me and all the grown up stuff I wanted to keep had been given away.

Gran said it was Kismet but I had no idea what that meant.

However, we couldn’t have had a more enthusiastic greeting when we finally moved in. Aunty had made a welcome meal, which was rich with flavour and unlike anything I’d tasted before... and that included the KFC bucket from Deliveroo. There were cakes and buns and pop (wine for mum) hugs and kisses and a glow about Granny that lit up the room. It was quite fascinating to see the difference that our permanent arrival meant to her.

I got quite giddy with it all and made an excited mess in my protection, which Gran said she’d see to, much to mum’s relief as she’d had a couple of drinks by then. When I was laid out on the changing table in the basement Gran ran her hand over the thick hard bulk of the disposable that I’d peed so much and so often into.

“Well little love,” she smiled, “it seems that my sweet little grandson likes to fill his nappy to capacity.” She said pulling the plastic away and ripping the tabs apart. “So, let’s get you into something such a clever boy needs, eh?”

It was like she still thought of me as a toddler but there was something I desperately wanted to know.

“Granny,” I waited until she’d inspected the full nappy and had begun to grab the wipes. “How did you know I’d lose my job?”

She smiled. “That would be telling... don’t you like a mystery?”

I saw she was teasing me but I wanted to know. “Please Gran...”

“Well love, I didn’t know for certain... we have shares in several companies. Your granddaddy was a master at investment and I suppose he got me into reading the business section and taking an interest. So, I read the papers and follow the news,” she confided, “and noticed a paragraph that had a brief mention of where you worked and were looking for investment. However, a few days earlier I’d noticed a piece about a Dutch company that was expanding into the UK and put two and two together... “

So, no sorcery just simple business knowledge. It seemed an obvious reason and I was suitably enlightened but a bit disappointed. I shouldn’t have asked and it would have remained a wonderful mystery.

All the time this was being explained she’d effortlessly cleaned me up and sorted out a thick fabric nappy with extra soaker pads. That was the great thing about this changing area, there were shelves, drawers and cupboards just filled with a large assortment of nappies, disposables, pads and covers, oils, powder and who knew what else. It was like an Aladdin’s cave but instead of jewels and gold it was a treasure-trove of items for a big baby who loved to wear and use his nappies.  

“I want my baby boy to be comfy, secure and happy,” she whispered as she pulled up the final piece of containment, a pair of shiny thick baby blue rubber pants that tightly held everything in. “I know this is what you want because your daddy thinks they suits you.”

I wasn’t sure what she meant except she looked toward the train set and nodded as if in some kind of acknowledgement.

“Your daddy and granddaddy... all of us are so happy you decided to come and stay here.”

“What?” but I didn’t get a chance to pursue the question as she slipped a dummy she had in her pocket between my lips. The sweet taste of honey reminding me of the special milky treat mum had reintroduced me to and I relaxed.

I was home but my thoughts suddenly swerved to why had Gran decided now was the time for our return to the family home?

#

A few days later and mum and aunty had gone to see a local production of Fiddler on the Roof, which I didn’t fancy. Granny was sitting on the sofa, which had been unusual for her as she found the upright orthopaedic chair more comfortable and easier to get in and out of.

“Well love, it’s just the two of us tonight... fancy a movie and some popcorn?”

“That sounds great Gran but don’t get up I’ll do it.”

“Nonsense sweetheart,” she sprung up and was on her way to the kitchen before I had chance to move. “We have caramel popcorn, salted popcorn or cheese and onion crisps... any of those tickle your fancy?”

It was quite remarkable that since our arrival at the house Gran’s health had improved in leaps and bounds. She was even finding the stairs up and down to the basement easy to manage, which had been quite a surprise. She put this down to a new ‘energy’ that my presence had given the place but, I’d also heard her mention to mum that it wasn’t just my presence that energised our home.

Meanwhile, I was waited on hand and foot and dressed permanently in the clothes of a toddler; dum-dum pinned to my shirt for easy access. I didn’t think I was under any pressure to dress a certain way I just did. I liked the freedom a nappy covered with plastic pants gave me but I also had a wardrobe full of other clothes. When we went out there was always something appropriate, if childish, that I was dressed in without any complaint from me. I loved the short dungarees there was something both childish yet grown up about them. Well I thought so anyway. They all seemed to know automatically what I wanted to wear... it was like magic. However, there were no long pants, nothing to cover my legs so shorts were the main item if we went shopping or somewhere special, which suited me just fine.

“Caramel please Gran.”

“I thought my little sweet-toothed baby would prefer that.” She chuckled in a most un-granny like fashion.

As I listened to her getting things together in the kitchen it seemed she wasn’t only talking to herself but there was a conversation going on with someone else. But there was only her and me so who?  

As I say I couldn’t get over how the last few days had seen a massive improvement in Gran’s movement and stamina. She said that having me around made her feel young again and that certainly appeared to be true. The thing was, it wasn’t only Gran who was feeling young again so did I. For now, I didn’t have to do anything except be me. Everything was done for me and, at that moment; I just lay there in thick padding and let Gran pamper her favourite (and only) grandson.

#

Since arriving I’d felt myself slipping back to when a little kid. No one tried to stop me, in fact, if anything, I was urged to let go of any pretence of being grown up. Aunty would regale me with memories of when I was a baby and the fun we had. The twinkle in Granny’s eyes when she reminisced about what I was like as a loving toddler encouraged me to cast off any reservations I may have had and live life like Granny said, “When the family was at its happiest”.

All those heavy questions I’d had in my head just a few days earlier had now slipped away and it was simply down to playing and hearing about how terrific it was to live here in the Lakes, and what a wonderful time we all had when I was little and were going to have again.

Of course, the air is clean and fresh, both the mountains and lakes providing a non-stop variety of mini-climates. The views spectacular, even the sheep in the field behind us made living here a wonderful experience. It’s a return to how things had been and I took to it like a duck to water and embraced all that was offered.

One night Granny led me up to her room, she was as nimble as anything and I was pleased to see such an improvement. I thought she’d invited me up to show me some old photos or some such thing but instead she’d run a tub in her en-suite bathroom.

“Now love, I want you to leave everything, and I mean everything to me... don’t speak just relax and let Granny treat you to a lovely foamy bath time.”

This was completely unexpected but in the few days I’d been there I just simply accepted everything I was told and did as everyone asked. There was no shame or bashfulness about being seen naked seeing as they’d all changed my nappy a few times by then. To them I was simply a little boy who needed looking after and they would do their best to make sure I was in need of nothing.

She slowly stripped me and looked most pleased when I was down to my protection. I was wearing clear plastic pants and a rather thick, lush cartoon disposable.

“My, my sweetheart, you certainly look content in those.”

I was about to say something about them being my favourite but again Gran just gently shushed me and slipped a dummy between my lips. Once I was naked she helped me into the warm suds and commenced giving me a complete and thorough wash.

Gran seemed to slip back into reminiscent mode. “You know sweetie, your daddy loved it here in the Lakes. If it hadn’t been for work I don’t suppose he would ever have left. It was a shame his adopted family couldn’t keep their house over the road but whenever he could he’d bring you all back up here for a visit.”

I loved it when Gran spoke about dad because there was always a great deal of affection in what she said. With the warm water soothing every part of my body, and as she gently sponged my skin, it felt glorious. However, a flash of guilt made me shiver because I do know that since dad died our visits had got less and less. It wasn’t that we didn’t like it at Grans... actually; I’m not too sure why we didn’t come up as often.

“... but you’re here now so that’s all that matters”. I caught the last bit of Granny’s thoughts; she was smiling and appeared to be so content. My head was empty so was just enjoying this bit of juvenile bath time fun with all my toys and Granny looking after me.

Of course she was very thorough. She checked I kept my ‘down there’ hair-free though wasn’t that hairy a person anyway so the fine body hair could hardly be detected. Meanwhile, there wasn’t even the smallest place her probing cloth and sponge didn’t reach.

Gran moved to another area of her memories.

“You know...” she whispered as if telling me a secret, “When your mummy and daddy wanted time on their own I used to treat you to a lovely sudsy bath just like this. You’d giggle and pretend to swim or build soapy bubbly towers... it was one of our most favourite times together.”

It was strange because as she was saying this I was also remembering what fun being in this place used to be and once again it made me wonder why we ever left.    

Meanwhile, from a small plastic toy watering-can she dribbled clean warm water over my head, which for no apparent reason had me giggling.

She got me to stand up in the bath and rubbed more cream all over my body, again not an inch wasn’t covered. We waited a few minutes as she checked the bottle and re-read the label.

“In a minute sweetheart you can slip under those suds again and you’ll be as bright and clean as any little baby should be.” She smiled and I was so relaxed it didn’t quite sink in what she was telling me, except, as she had since I’d arrived, speak to me like I was a little kid.

Effortlessly I’d slipped into becoming what seemed to be the general opinion, I actually wasn’t nineteen, or anywhere near that age. I stopped trying to be anything else and it was incredible just how much it didn’t seem to matter.

Gran’s obvious love and devotion eventually gave way to getting me out of the bath and a comprehensive drying down. Once every little crevice had been patted dry and inspected, then came the oils, creams and powder for all those ‘at risk’ areas. I was completely smooth, I could feel that something had changed the different way the oils slipped over my skin but I wasn’t worried, Granny knew what she was doing so everything was fine. Once that had been carefully rubbed in I noticed she’d already got nappies ready. Thick white terry cloth squares were folded and extra soaker pads added as she spent a great deal of time making sure, with large colourful safety pins, it was held together just right.

Once the huge cloth pillow was in place she wriggled up a pair of pink plastic pants, which was followed by a nice pink onesie that clasped under my crotch. Next came a fluffy footed sleeper with vivid cartoon safari animals all over it that she helped me into and zipped up the back.

“My lovely baby boy, mmmmmm” she said with approval, “it’s just like it used to be... you look all nice and settled now.”

I was. My eyes were heavy and although it was barely 9pm I was ready for bed. That night, with dummy in mouth, I slept in Granny’s bed with her and had the most wonderful night’s sleep I’d had since arriving.

When in bed she snuggled up to me and held me in her arms and whispered in my ear.

“When you were little you used to love this, Granny making sure you slept all cuddly wuddly.” It was true, I did feel safe and secure as she rubbed my tummy in circles like daddy used to do.  

“Just relax baby boy... you have nothing to worry about... everything is...”

“Gwanny.”

“Yes baby.”

“Oh... ish oo wate.” My dummy adding a babyish context to the slight hiss as my nappy flooded under her gentle circular motions but I was almost asleep so it didn’t matter.

“That’s OK sweetheart...” she continued to make those relaxing circles, “little boys are allowed to fill their nappies.”

No guilt, no thought as I simply drifted off knowing Granny was there to look over me. It was a wonderful feeling of genuine love.

#

There didn’t seem to be one definition for autism so the family had settled on being ‘different’.

Over the past few weeks, and quite possibly for even longer, mum had watched as I immersed myself in nappies and the pleasure they gave me with the excuse to be a kid again. There was no more talk of autism, or more especially about me being autistic, I was simply ‘special’. She was convinced that it was only a matter of time before I realised where and what I wanted to be and that Granny’s house was the safest place on Earth to pursue that essential part of who I was.

At times it felt weird that I could think like an adult (though less and less these days) but behave like a pre-schooler. I loved being able to walk around wearing a onesie or footed sleeper holding my thick padding in place. The women in my life made sure I wanted for nothing and the house was indeed full of love and security. It was wonderful to be able to snuggle up to any of them and be received with a smile, a cuddle and of course a loving pat on my padded bottom.

In fact, whenever and wherever I needed changing there always seemed to be a supply of nappies nearby to accommodate my need. Mum had gone mad ordering loads and loads of different styles, colours and designs, they weren’t exactly piled high on every surface but each cupboard or drawer seemed to harbour a stash that could quickly be pulled into service.

They seemed to get as much from me wearing them as I did.

Actually, it felt very comfortable when there was just me and Gran, she encouraged me to suck on dum-dum as she said it not only made me look incredibly cute but could see in my eyes the lack of worry. Like mum, she was a great devotee for the use and effectiveness of that wonderful silicon bulb in a boy’s mouth.

“You know sweetheart,” she’d often say as she tucked me in on a night, “Why parents take away a child’s dummy is beyond me when they’re so obviously needed to soothe away problems... no matter how old they get.” With that she’d slip it cheerfully between my lips and settle down next to me.

Sometimes when we spoke it was like she was sharing a secret. She would tell me of earlier times when I visited, some I’d completely forgotten about. Like one time me and her and daddy had gone into the village only to be chased by a ram that had somehow walked in and decided it was its territory. It chased everyone but seemed to take a liking to our little group but wouldn’t leave us alone; that is until the farmer came and took it away.

She told loads of stories of bubble chasing (still a great favourite), camp outs, fishing expeditions and insect hunts, all including daddy or granddad and finished her tale with a whispered ‘thank you’ to their spirit.  

“I thank you for bringing the family back together...” I heard her murmur more to herself than me.

That was when; sucking dreamily on my dum-dum, I convince myself that after all, she was some kind of sorceress but a fairly benevolent one. However, I’d decided that it was her who’d made everything that had happened to me happen. Also, dressed as I was in my babyish attire, was how she liked to see me. It reminded her of earlier, happier times, which I suppose to an extent she was reliving.

“Gwan, I wuv oo tewing mi abow dada bu I weawy do schwill mwiss himmm.” Dum-dum giving me a childish lisp but she seemed to understand.

“I know love, and I miss your granddad,” she gazed down at me and looked serious but happy. “But, whilst we have them here,” she pointed to my head, “and here,” she pointed to my heart, “they’re with us always and you can feel their presence all around when you think of them.”

#

It appeared that whatever had made Gran terminal was in remission, which she said was down to me being “the sweetest boy in the world”. Don’t ask me why she’d come to such a daft conclusion because not a moment of it made any sense but there again, I couldn’t make sense of much of my current situation... except I was like Gran... getting younger by the minute and happier than I thought I could be.

Meanwhile, I’d shuffled down the list of movies available and settled an old Disney classic “Snow White and the Seven Dwarves”. The poster for this ancient piece of cinema history was one of those on my wall in the basement. I loved the colourful artwork and was surprised to see just how old it was, however, I’d never actually seen this original version. Gran said it was one of her favourites and when she saw what I’d chosen hoped I’d enjoy discovering such a trailblazer for animation. She started singing a song which I vaguely knew and it was only then it dawned on me that this was a musical. I liked the idea of me and Gran sharing this experience together. Surprisingly, Gran had a very soft and melodic voice and knew all the numbers. I knew Hi-ho.

It was good, and so was the sweet flavoured popcorn but my eyes were fluttering a little towards the end. As the credits rolled Gran took the empty bowl and bottle back to the kitchen and I heard her turn on the microwave. I suspected we’d both be having hot chocolate to finish the night. It was a drink I remembered having when visiting in the past.

A couple of minutes later she returned with what looked like milk in a baby’s bottle.

“Now sweetheart, I just want you to relax and let Granny nurse you.”

I was already pretty relaxed but wasn’t sure I wanted milk on top of all that popcorn. However, mum had gotten me used to taking the bottle and reintroduced me to the fabulous concoction that was simply milk and honey.

Anyway, there was absolutely no resistance as she slipped the rubbery teat between my lips and I snuggled into her arms. She let me get comfortable and then tipped it for me to drink, Granny knew me so well because I immediately sucked in the warm sweet treat.

“That’s my boy.” She patted the thick padding and stroked the lovely new slinky rubber pants that held it all in. “You make me feel young and vital Jason... and I love my sweet little baby enjoying Granny’s special milk.”

Granny’s soothing words and gentle rocking soon had me slipping into a total contentment. In fact, I doubt if anything of any note was there as my mind blanked and just relied on any natural reflexes.

I slurped it down with not a care in the world relishing the creamy honey flavour as she patted and stroked my slinky padding whilst encouraging me and to drink it all.

“There, there sweetheart, there’s plenty of that for our special little boy.” She rocked me in utter pleasure. “You just need to keep enjoying your milky treat, wearing those lovely thick fluffy nappies and delight in the love of your family because daddy thinks...  now everything’s alright.

# ##### #

END

######

##

[BabySerenity]

Fantastic story!!

[wetdiaper55]

I just loved the story. I felt like you were reading to me.💜  I wish it go on..... ( I know you have other things to do)  Your writting are great.  Again one of the best .  🤩 

[Eagle0769]

Great story read it from the begging when you first posted it.

So as I understand it he is autistic and getting worse.

I would love to be in his place to have a Mommy,

Granny and Auntie taking care of him. I wonder if

his Mommy will take some pills and start nursing him

like a real baby.

Great great story Les Lea. Thanks for sharing it with us. 🙂

[maly]

Thanks Les Lea for another masterpiece.

Maly.

[Les Lea]

Many thanks for the kind comments and I'm so pleased you've all enjoyed the story.

Your comments are the lifeblood for us writers, those encouraging words really do mean a lot so, THANKS again.

Hugs top each and all.

Les😀

[CDfm]

Awesome story Les Lea!  

I truly enjoyed the story.  I couldn't help but feel a little off about the sex though.  I just felt that Jason was a young  innocent boy and that Tom and Terry were taking advantage of him.  Then to add the possibility of autism to the mix makes me want to go beat the both of them.  I am not sure they are even any  better than Tidwell was.  I was especially pleased with the ending, knowing that Jason had accepted the loving care of his family and was embracing his need to be a baby again. 

I know it has been some time since I have had the opportunity to read and or comment.  I truly did enjoy the story and look forward to reading more of your awesome stories.  

[Les Lea]

Hi CDfm

Glad you enjoyed the story.

Sorry you didn't like the fact that Jason enjoyed having sex but I don't think Tom and Terry made him do anything he wasn't up for... although maybe Terry took more advantage of that fact.

The fact that even when he was at his Grans and the text arrived, he still wasn't sure he didn't want to try again... he was an adventurous lad after all.

Thankfully, now he's happily regressed and at one with the life of a toddler... my main concern was... how are his visitors going to react... and will his Gran, aunt and mother... help them in the same way?

Hugs to everyone who enjoyed the story... and those who didn't... OK... you still get a hug.

 

Les

[Like2bwet]

What a lovely story and as always very well written and kept me enthralled throughout. Would love to know what happened to Billy & Mark. Thanks again for a great story Les 

[Les Lea]

Hi Like2bwet

Sorry it's taken me so long to reply.

Thanks for the comment and glad you enjoyed  it.

I had thought about a supplementary piece on the boys but thought it just might get too complicated (for me) to get what happens to them when they visit. I imagined that those who liked the story might like to fill in their own adventure... as I'm sure it would be better than what I could think up.

Have fun and again thanks for leaving a comment it is appreciated.

Thanks

Les

[Jax233]

I did love the story, it was so good, but how i wish things worked out for Jason and Tom in the end. But again the story was amazing.