The 3rd Roommate: (10) The Wee Hours of the Morning (End of Part 1)

[direking]

Hey guys! Ever since writing 'Without Merit', I've been wanting to do a more 'classic'/'cliche' diaper story that focuses on the 'walls closing in' and the 'downward spiral into diapers'. A story without any sci-fi stuff attached and focus on the other elements that can get a college girl in diapers: blackmail, peer-pressure, coercion. This is a swing at that kind of story, I hope you guys like it. 

 

Warnings: A vulnerable character gets mistreated by people who think they're acting in her benefit. There are dark thoughts attached to being treated this way. There is some innuendo, but no bad language and no smoochie scenes.

 

As always, thanks for reading.

 

<Edit: I've changed to font to something more default, it looked good on computer screen, but I felt it was harder to read on a phone.>

 

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1 First Impressions
 
The first move into the dorm was a rite of passage for every college freshman.
 
It was no different for Kerri Summers.
 
There was something about putting the past eighteen years in the rearview before diving into the future with nothing but the baggage brought from home.
 
Of course, that baggage being both literal and figurative — and Kerri was no different in that manner as well.
 
Kerri stood among her baggage of both kinds, quickly realizing the best thing about going away to college was that no one here knew anything about her.

She cupped a hand to block the sun as she appreciated the multistory beige brick dorm hall. A welcome breeze tussled her violet sundress and her curly strawberry blonde hair swept across the back of her neck. Giddiness welled up inside her, causing her to shake a bit in her shoes.
 
Just look at all of those windows! Those would be for many rooms and for new friends. Which one was going to be hers?
 
The sweltering summer heat of southern Louisiana was something she appreciated less, but Kerri was used to the humidity, having lived in the bayou state for her entire life. However, that was living in ‘small town’ Louisiana, in one of the hundred tiny places that dotted the state. Nothing at all like this giant university campus that just about doubled the population of her hometown.
 
Five large suitcases that sat around her like a Samsonite Stonehenge. Her life was now a math problem: How does a ninety pound girl carry two hundred pounds for about twenty yards? Make sure to show your work.
 
No, seriously. How was she going to get them all inside?
 
The taxi driver had been kind enough to help her load his trunk from the bus stop. However, after getting his tip, he found better things to do than assist her into building. That yellow cab was gone in a flash, the hot breath of its exhaust still tickled her bare legs.
 
Which was okay.

Kerri was a big girl, and she'd do it herself. That’s what she told her parents who wanted to join her on move-in day.
 
This was all about making a first impression, and having a fresh start. You can never remake a first impression, or any impression for that matter. Kerri had found that out the hard way back home.

At the same time, there were things she couldn't change, no matter how many first impressions she made perfectly today. And Kerri had to respect that, too.
 
The most noticeable aspect of herself that she couldn't change was how short she was.
 
In internet terms, Kerri was smol. Not in little person territory, though. Kerri had fact checked that on the internet, and she was quite relieved to find that she wouldn’t be relegated to a life in the circus as a sideshow attraction. She was more akin to an olympic gymnast on the height-o-meter, just without the athletic prowess to flip her way into a scholarship.
 
Which was why she had to come with some kind of elaborate strategy to get all five suitcases from the sidewalk into the dorm hall.
 
A pair of birds chirped in a nearby tree whose green leaves swayed in the gentle wind. It captured her attention. Maybe it was move-in day for those little birdies, too. Were they as nervous as she was? She hoped not.
 
Her mind was wandering again. Not wondering, wandering — as in getting lost in her thoughts. She had a tendency to do that at the worst times. Kerri had been called ‘spacey’ or ‘clueless’ before, but that wasn’t the entire truth. Her parents said that her aloofness was what made her creative, but the school pathologists labeled it something else. Something with an acronym and a special folder.
 
Kerri looked around for someone to help her, but everyone else seemed too busy to notice the smol girl from a small town trying to get through a small problem in one piece.
 
No, she thought to herself, I can do this myself. I will do this myself.
 
A few minutes later, she was at the front door. A total of fifty paces from the sidewalk where she was unceremoniously left to fend for herself. College had already been an adventure, and she hadn't even broken the plane of a single classroom.
 
Kerri propped open the door with one of the heavier suitcases as she wrangled the rest into a much cooler lobby.
 
It smelled like school and summer inside, an overworked A/C unit was the true MVP of the day. The sweat from the exertion and humidity made her violet sundress stick to her body in unflattering ways. She hoped there wasn't any embarrassing discoloration anywhere; especially being so concerned about first impressions, but there was little she could do about it now.

She paused in the doorway to appreciate the inside just like the outside.
 
So this was what college looked like.
 
Random posters intermixed with a long line of mailboxes that required keys, there were polished squeaky floors and heavy wooden doors. And it was devoid of any students.
 
An older blonde woman in round glasses sat behind a counter, she wore a t-shirt with some kind of welcoming statement, but her unwelcoming frown is what caught Kerri’s attention.

She eyed Kerri as the smaller girl struggled to get the bags into the room, taking multiple trips without a complaint. It felt good to finally get inside, and to do it all herself, that was the something ‘extra’ that brought a smile to her face.
 
Time to share that smile with Miss Grumps-a-lot at the main desk.
 
Kerri shot her a grin.
 
The woman barked, "Are you going to let all the cool air out?"
 
"Um, what?" Kerri stuttered, taken aback by the tenacity of that southern hospitality.
 
"The cooled air that costs us money, sweetie. You're letting it out that door that you have propped open. We're already on a tight enough budget, and you don't want us to turn off the air for the rest of the semester."
 
"Oh, I'm sorry," Kerri said as she struggled to pull everything into the lobby. "I didn't mean to cause a problem, especially on my first day."
 
She let out a nervous giggle.
 
Miss Grumps gave her an icy stare as she stacked a pair of papers and grabbed a pen. Then she asked without looking up, "Last name and first name, please."
 
"Summers, Kerri. I'm so excited about moving in."
 
The woman quipped, "That's so nice, honey."
 
Kerri took the lack of friendly interaction as a cue to shut up. She bit at her lip as she rocked back and forth in her sneakers. That mind of hers was about to go a-wandering.
 
The not-so nice lady turned a stack of papers her way before handing her a ballpoint pen.
 
"Sign here and here. Your room is 201, you have two other roommates. They’ve already arrived. The bathrooms are in the middle of the hall, and the laundry room is in the basement level. This is your key, you lose it, you pay the $10 for a new one. My name is Lauren Spikes, and I'm the resident advisor for this girl’s dorm. You'll find the rules on the bulletin board, so it would do you good to get to know them. I'm not afraid to give demerits, young lady. Trust me."
 
Kerri nodded along with the words, trying to keep up with the rapid pace in which they came out. By the end, she was bugging out.
 
Was her last name really Spikes? That’s an awesome bad guy name, at least half a level above henchman. It would’ve been even better for a Dr. Spikes or Professor Spikes. A name like that could strike fear in the heart of every do-gooder.
 
“You okay there, sweetie?”
 
Oh, great. Kerri was doing it again. She lassoed her brain back into reality.
 
Kerri cleared her throat. “I’m sorry, I must have misheard you, but demerits?”
 
It sounded kinda childish for her, this was college not some high school drill team.
 
“Why, yes! Of course.” Miss Spikes sounded excited, and a smile peeked out like the sun through parted clouds. “I’m a bit old fashioned, but I find the most effective way to keep discipline is maintain good order.”
 
“I get it,” offered Kerri. “We all want this dorm to be… uh, safe and well-behaved.”
 
The RA studied her for a moment.
 
“Are you sucking up to me, Miss Summers?”
 
Kerri immediately felt put on the spot, she tried to think of what to say next as Spiky Spikes just glared at her.
 
“No, no. That’s not it. I just think it’s good that you keep this place safe. That’s all, Miss Spikes.”
 
“You can sometimes call me Lauren,” she corrected with a false grin. “I may be old fashioned, but I’d be upset if you thought I was old.”
 
It was hard not to think of her as old, she was like thirty or something like that. Maybe it was just the way she presented herself. The thick rimmed glasses and mature hairstyle made her look motherly, and her tired eyes didn’t help matters, neither did that permanent scowl.

Kerri thought Lauren looked middle aged, and acted older than that, but she could pretend for her sake.
 
“You can call me Kerri,” she said as she extended a welcoming hand to shake.
 
“Actually, I can call you whatever I want,” snapped Lauren as she refused the friendly greeting. “I’d prefer not to fraternize with those under my watch, it has a tendency to create confusion, and we don’t want any miscommunication. That’s why the rules are posted on the board, and that’s where you’re going to go read them.”
 
Kerri retreated with a “Got it.”
 
She tried to remain in a chipper mood, but this Lauren lady was quite the buzzkill. The back and forth between strict and friendly was enough to give her whiplash. Spikes reminded her of a teacher that would wear a smile as she handed out an unfair detention.

Kerri beelined straight to the bulletin board. The rules were pretty standard stuff. No boys, no drugs, no guns, no alcohol, no fun, etc. Kerri pretended to read it as her mind wandered into more interesting pastures.
 
When she pretended for long enough, Kerri took all of her baggage into the elevator without the help of Miss Lauren Spikes, who pretended to have better things to do than help little Kerri.
 
The door to room 201 was already open when she got there. From her hidden spot in the hallway, Kerri peered into the her new home.
 
This was it.
 
Her big moment.
 
It all started today.
 
A fresh start.
 
The other two girls were busy inside. Her new roomies! What an exciting time to be alive. 

They chatted together as they unpacked clothes from their bags and into the built-in drawers against a long wall. 
 
That was a good way to describe the room: long. 
 
A long and narrow rectangle with raised beds placed along the walls to form an L shape that encircled the rest of the room. Inside the L was a little living room with a weathered brown sofa, an equally well-experienced coffee table, facing a nice television. An off color wall-mounted sink was placed in the middle of a long wall, above it hung a small vanity mirror, and someone had already laid out a small mat on the bland tile floor.

Kerri looked about the room in childish wonder, she then studied her new roommates, aka her new best friends.

Roommate one was a lanky blonde with a tight ponytail and in even tighter running shorts. She wore a purple t-shirt with the school’s initials across the front, it looked fresh and new, and it was probably its first day as well.
 
Number two was a mocha skinned girl with long black hair that shimmered in the soft light. She was fuller than the other girl, not on the extreme side, and she carried it well. She wore a grey hoodie sweatshirt even in the summer, and there was something about how she smiled that made Kerri feel safe. It gave her a tingling sensation.

How could a smile be tingling? She didn’t know. Kerri was weird that way.  
 
It looked like the other two had already laid claim to the beds on the far end of the rectangle, the short side of the L with the windows. The last remaining bed was empty and awfully alone on the other side of the sink and vanity. But at least it was in the same room; unlike Kerri, who continued to hide in the hallway long past what would be considered to be polite.
 
"Chica, I don't run unless I'm being chased," said the tan girl with a laugh.
 
“I love running,” the lanky girl replied, “I get to eat what I want without gaining weight.”
 
The stockier of the two hesitated a moment.
 
“I’m Puerto Rican, Candice. I’ll be thick no matter what I eat. The big butts are an ancient tradition of my people. Are you implying that I have to look like you to be pretty?”
 
It got serious all of a sudden, as the girl called Candice stopped what she was doing, unsure if she should apologize or not.
 
Then they both broke into a fit of laughter, and Kerri felt relieved from her spying spot.
 
Candice shook her head to brush off the joke.
 
“You’re hilarious, Ana. You had me for a second there.”
 
“I did,” Ana agreed. “You should have seen the look on your face.”
 
Then she stopped and turned towards Kerri at the door.
 
“You can come in, you know. We’re not going to bite you or anything.”

Kerri froze.

She had just been caught ‘spying’ on her roommates. Great first impression.

“At least not me, Candice might be hungry from running or something. Have you had lunch, Candice? Wait a sec. Do skinny girls even eat lunch?”

Meeting new people was high on the list of things that made Kerri ‘bug out’. She practiced and practiced, and sometimes the practice paid off — but other times she let the moment get too big.
 
This moment was too big for this smol girl.

Kerri found the means to shuffle forward until she was fully revealed. All of that practice for perfect body language with perfect jokes turned into slumped shoulders and sealed lips. What a waste of a bus trip.
 
The other two girls were onto her before she could get a word out.
 
Candice was the first to talk.
 
“Hey, my name is Candice, and I’m from Texas. Yeehaw, right? But I’m from Dallas, so no cows or horses for me. I like what you’ve done with your hair. And your dress is cute, too. Where did you get it? This is going to be so great, all three of us are going to party. What do you like to do for fun? Oh, yeah. What’s your name?”
 
It was all a blur to Kerri. Words that came out fast forward while she moved slow motion. This happened from time to time, when things got ‘too much’.
 
“Are you okay?” Ana joined Candice next to Kerri. “Earth to chica — are you in there? I didn’t mean to scare you when I told you to come in, it was just… you know, creepy. I’m not so sure if that’s the right word. Seriously, though. Hablas ingles? Because that’s all I speak, besides the bad words of course, they’re more fun in Spanish.”
 
It took all the strength she had to open her mouth.
 
“I’m Kerri.”
 
Ana smiled. “Well, hi there Kerri.”
 
Candice placed a soft hand on the smaller girl’s shoulder. It was as a very welcome gesture after the run in with Lauren Spikes, RA extraordinaire.
 
“You look tired and sweaty. Let’s have you sit down, and I can get you a glass of water. It’s tap, but whatevs. Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”
 
About a minute later, Kerri sat on the old brown couch sipping the water. She had totally blown it. Absolute nightmare material, and she had practiced what she would say and everything. But it wasn’t too late, she could still prove to them that she was a fully functioning young adult.
 
She could do this.
 
Just get up and bring in your bags.
 
Then say something funny. Try to break the ice.
 
Kerri looked towards the door to find Candice easily carrying in her bags. Ana remained at Kerri’s side, trying to figure the quiet girl out with a kind expression on her face.
 
Ana asked, “You good, chica?”
 
“Yeah,” Kerri muttered. “I’m okay.”
 
“It’s the heat, right?” Candice added from the doorway. “It knocks the fire out of the best of us. That’s why I run so early in the morning, and why it is equally important to stay hydrated.”
 
Ana sounded impressed. “Are you a doctor or something?”
 
“No. I’m a sports medicine major, but I take nutrition seriously.”
 
Ana gained a predatory look all of a sudden, with the happy face of a kid that just saw a long line of cupcakes.
 
“Does that mean you get to give massages to all the hurt male athletes?”
 
Candice chuckled. “Yes… and I’ll let you know when I need an assistant.”
 
“Perfect. I specialize in working on inner thighs, tight butts, muscle-y chests, and big arms. They also need to be cute and rich, and have good personalities, too. You’re not writing this down, chica. This is super important.”
 
“You’re going to end up on a list some day, Ana.”
 
“You’re right.” Ana turned to Kerri to get a second opinion. “And it’s going to be totally worth it.”
 
Kerri smiled. The positive attitude in the room was infectious. It felt good to sit and be a silent part of it.
 
“So… lucky Candice is a sports med major, I’m an early childhood development. What are you here to learn, Kerri?”
 
“Um. I do art. I like to draw,” she answered timely and with a smile. She could do this.
 
“Art, huh.” Ana was up to no good again. “When is male nude model day?”
 
Kerri blushed.
 
Honestly, she had never even thought about that. She hoped that day was far, far away. She imagined herself drawing an opaque black bar over … parts. As for Ana, the girl was so direct and out there, while Kerri just hoped that she could put five words together without making a fool of herself.
 
Candice joined Kerri and Ana on the tired couch, forcing the cushions to shift over to support her weight. For a moment, all three of them shared a sofa like in a sitcom.
 
“I can’t believe that you’re into early childhood stuff,” Candice said. “That’s why you have that job.”
 
“What job?” asked Kerri. She was getting used to talking, maybe shyness could be blamed on the heat and not the nerves.
 
“I’m a nanny for a pair of four year old twin boys. Lucky me, right?” Ana rolled her eyes as if to say she wasn’t actually lucky. “And guess what the worst part is that they’re not even potty trained. No seriously, full on diapers. Not even pull-ups.”
 
“That ain’t right,” added Candice.
 
“No, it isn't,” Ana answered. “The parents were ‘very’ interested in me learning about potty training. So that’s what I’m going to be all about for the next few weeks. Yay, huh?”
 
Candice waved her hands around. “Totally yay.”
 
Ana took a moment to re-evaluate her patient.
 
“You look much better now, Kerri. Got a lot more color in the face. Not as much as me, but good enough.”
 
With that, Ana gave a sweet tap to her arm and left Kerri on the couch.
 
Candice did the same, and Kerri was once again alone with her wandering thoughts.
 
So all of this actually happened. If this was a video game she would have already hit the reset button and retried the level. There was no doing that, no remaking a first impression. Kerri had managed to dig herself into a hole, and she was unsure of the best way to crawl out. But she would do it.
 
Her bags were by the remaining bed, and she figured unpacking them would be the best way to start fixing her day.
 
However, a nasty creepy-crawly thought wiggled its way into her wandering mind: things weren’t ever going to change.

And it was all her fault.

Kerri Summers was an imposter. A bad one at that.

No matter how hard she pretended to be ‘with-it’, she would continue to be a hapless little girl who needed help from everyone. The ‘kid glove’ treatment would continue because that’s what her actions prescribed.

Who knows?

Maybe she was overthinking everything.

Maybe that’s why she was so overwhelmed with the simplicity of the moment.

Maybe it was too late to change the way things worked.
 
She couldn’t shake the thought that things were going to be the same here as it was back home. A re-run on a different set, with different actors to play as her friends, and no one re-cast as her parents.
 
And Kerri would be stuck in the same role forever.
 
The one being babied.
 
Maybe it had already begun.

Kerri internally debated that fact as her mind freely wandered while she unpacked her bags. Her clothes were organized into her drawers, her laptop placed on her desk, and her bed was perfectly made. 
 
But she didn’t ‘fully’ unpack. Her stuffies were still in her bag, which made her wonder why she even brought them from home in the first place.
 
Kerri would keep those in there until the other girls were more convinced of her adulthood, her real-sized, grown up human independence. Unless that never happened. Then maybe her stuffed animal buddies would just live in her bag. In the dark. With no friends. Okay, she would wait until her roomies were fast asleep to bust them out.
 
She mindlessly grabbed a stack of adult coloring books and…
 
“Are those coloring books?”
 
Kerri stopped. When did Candice get to her corner of the room?
 
“They’re adult coloring books,” snapped Kerri as she defensively brought them to her body. “I use them to help relax. That’s all!”
 
The taller girl backed off.
 
“Whoa! Simmer down there, Kerri. I didn’t mean anything by what I said. I think it’s kinda cool that you do your own thing. I came to your side of the room to see if you need any help, but now I see you got it all covered. I’m just trying to be friendly, that’s all. Are you okay? You have this weird look on your face. Totally catatonic…”
 
Kerri popped back into reality. “I’m… I’m fine.”
 
Candice asked, “Do you want any help, or not?”
 
“Yeah. If you want to help.”
 
“Cool,” Candice said, “Ana and I are going out tonight, do you want to come with us?”
 
Kerri said, “I’d like that. A lot.”
 
For some reason, the simple invitation to dinner seemed to turn her mood around. Dinner would be good, a place to ‘flip the script’, like a U-turn of possibilities. Little things like that were baby steps forward towards what she wanted. No, not baby steps. Little steps. No, normal steps forward towards normal interactions for normal, neurotypical lifestyles. Nothing like what she was before she got here.
 
“Aww! This is sweet!” Candice squealed from behind her back. “A Pony Princess, my little sister loves that show.”
 
Kerri turned to see the bag with the smuggled stuffies ripped wide open, revealing the childish contraband, and in her roommate's arms was her favorite unicorn, Princess Clarabelle. 
 
“Put that away!” Kerri pulled it free from the taller girl. Who was too taken aback by the intense physical reaction to put up a fight.
 
Candice shouted, “What’s your deal, Kerri?”
 
Kerri suddenly felt so smol. How do you explain this kind of stupid indignation in words? Princess Clarabelle stared back with its marble eyes demanding a reason as well. Kerri didn’t have a good one. She was totally blowing it again. And again. And again.
 
Kerri started to explain, “I just…”
 
“You’re acting like a little kid,” Candice interrupted. “First the coloring books, then the stuffed animals.”
 
She looked towards Ana who was trying to figure out the sudden hubbub from her side of the room.
 
“They’re cute though,” Ana tried to mend the gap.
 
Candice wasn’t as convinced. “Yeah, but… really?”
 
Ana said, “They’re not doing us any harm, right?”
 
Kerri found herself agreeing with Ana, tightening her fingers around Clarabelle in a death grip. She was breathing far too fast. Kerri needed to control her breathing, she was gasping for air.
 
She muttered, “The coloring book is for adults…”
 
“Yeah,” Candice laughed, “and I’m sure the crayons are adult crayons, too.”
 
“Don’t sweat it, Kerri,” Ana advised as she got up to join them. “It’s cool that you have things you brought from home. Candice is just trying to overcompensate for a personality built on exercise. Besides, she’s not cultured. She’s from Texas.”
 
“Har-har. And yee-haw.” Candice grinned as she backed off.
 
“Here you go.” Ana held a pair of Princess Ponies to add to the shimmering mane of Clara. “Kerri, let me help you.”
 
Kerri looked back at roommate one and two, the kind expressions they wore like fake masks, but the twinkle in their eyes gave away their true intentions.

Nothing was ever going to change.

Especially not here.

[Sylum]

Interesting start looking forward to the next chapter!

[Kaleros]

I'm not sure about Kerri making a good first impression, but you sure have made a first good impression with this chapter.

[Bel George]

I already like this story.

[direking]

Thanks for the kind words.

And thanks for reading.

.....

2 Lost
 
Kerri was an island.
 
A tiny speck of land floating along an endless sea.
 
That’s college, a vast ocean of possibilities, but no one warned her about the drowning.
 
Classes started a week after move-in day, and Kerri started the morning with a decent amount of optimism. She wore her most adult-affirming dress, and made sure her hair and make up were perfect to make a ‘second’ first impression.
 
But things weren’t going to plan. At all.
 
The first day had her hustling around campus trying to decipher a tiny map on her phone while interpreting the faded text on her paper schedule. Kerri tried her very best; only to repeatedly fail, to retrace her path, and still find herself in the wrong place at the wrong times.
 
It was so frustrating. The university had so many buildings that looked the same on the outside and inside. Even worse, they all were named after old people long dead, or were abbreviated, or were just stupid buildings that stupidly looked the stupid same. By itself that was more than enough to send Kerri into a tailspin. She kept getting them confused in her head, until she was literally spinning around in circles all day in the hot sun.
 
It only got worse when she actually got to class.
 
It was so embarrassing. Kerri died inside each time she had to apologize for being late, under the harsh looks from angry professors that she interrupted, and she wilted from the hushed whispers from the hundreds of normal students who could actually get to class on time.
 
But it was all okay, she’d be okay.
 
She muttered the mantra under her breath: 'Stay strong, Kerri. Stay strong.'
 
However, she didn’t feel strong.
 
Kerri felt lost in more ways than one, but she tried to keep telling herself that she was mature, and capable, and independent, and… and… a terrible liar.
 
It was all too much.
 
The campus too big.
 
The textbooks too heavy.
 
The buildings too ‘the same’.
 
The whispers too hushed.
 
The glares too angry.
 
The lectures too boring.
 
The homework too confusing.
 
Too much. Too much. Too much.
 
By the end of the day, Kerri desperately needed someone to talk to, someone to lean on - a place to rest her little head. Her two new roomies came to mind, maybe they could lend an ear and help a smol girl out.
 
Somehow, Kerri knew that wouldn't happen. They’d think she was childish for not being able to handle a single day of college life.
 
How could they understand what it was like for Kerri? They were so normal.
 
College life was an easy street for ‘normal girls’ like Ana and Candice. They probably already had great grades, and great new friends, because everyone liked them, of course. They were nothing like Kerri, which made them instantly more likable.
 
Her wandering mind guided her back home. Kerri quietly rounded a familiar fountain with familiar trees with familiar flowers next to familiar benches. She was almost back at the dorm, still double checking to make sure she was at the right place. It had been one of those kind of days.
 
She saw her reflection in the glass pane of the double doors. A poofy haired sweaty little girl stood in front of her. All of that effort on dress, hair and make up was for nothing. Kerri couldn’t face her roomies like this, so dejected and defeated. So she decided to collect herself before she ventured inside.
 
Breath one.
Breath two.
 
A much slower breath three.
 
Kerri braced herself against the brick wall just outside the door and slung her heavy backpack onto the concrete stairs. It felt so good to get that weight off her shoulders.
 
Her thoughts drifted off back home, back to her ex-boyfriend. He was sweet and he listened to her, no matter how stupid her problems sounded in her own words.
 
Maybe she should call Nick. No, text him. She might break down if she called him. It’s easier to hide tears from texts. In reality, she shouldn't even contact Nick at all, it was over between them. Kerri didn’t want to seem clingy to her old boyfriend. The last thing she wanted was for him to look down on her, too.
 
It was the same story for her mom and dad.
 
They’d asked her how things were going, and since they were just ‘going’ like crap, Kerri chose not to reply to their few texts and probing emails. She couldn’t bring herself to sugar coat reality. Kerri was struggling to keep up in so many ways; so she decided not to say anything at all. The unanswered messages burned holes in her conscience, but it was better than telling them the truth: Kerri was already a failure.
 
When she eventually went inside, she found the intrepid Lauren Spikes guarding the front door from the built-in main desk. No precious ‘cool air’ would be wasted on her watch.

Kerri tried to silently shuffle past her, but her giant overburdened backpack gave her away.
 
“Kerri?” the hawkish RA called out as she passed. “Can I have a word with you, please?”
 
What now? Kerri thought to herself. But she answered, “Yes, ma’am.”
 
“Oh, I love how polite you are. Your parents left a message at the desk. Um… How do I say this? You need to maintain contact with them, they were one step away from calling for a wellness check. Those are out of my hands, I’m afraid. Did you have a long first day? You look droopy in the shoulders and red in the eyes. Have you been crying?”
 
Kerri sniffled, “I’m fine.”
 
“Are you sure?”
 
The small girl just simply nodded and looked towards the elevator, hoping the RA would catch the hint.
 
“Well, I just got done speaking with Ana and Candice to let them know about the wellness check. So they wanted to talk to you about that, and I think there were other things on their agenda. They’re good roommates, they really care about you. You look completely glazed-over. Are you that tired? Hang in there, sweetie. Try to remember that it’s a marathon and not a sprint.”
 
Oh, lovely. Now her roomies got to be extra worried about Kerri. A spectacular way to make her day worse. Thanks mom and dad.
 
An invisible morose rope wrapped around her little body, tugging her step by step towards room 201.
 
The two other girls were waiting for her as soon as she opened the door.
 
Ana called out. “Hey Kerri, come sit down.”
 
If this was going to happen, she might as well get it over with. Kerri had a long night’s worth of math homework to do, and due to the fact she didn’t get any of the practice right in class, she was in for a rough evening.
 
She flopped down on the sofa next to Ana.
 
“Drink some water,” Candice said as she offered a clear plastic bottle.
 
Kerri took the water, and did what she was told.
 
Ana decided to dig into her first. Not before taking a deep breath and rubbing her palms on her jeans.
 
“Your parents are worried about you, Kerri. It’s not cool to leave them hanging on the line. Are they bad parents or something? Is there a reason you didn’t want to talk to them?”
 
Kerri swallowed her pride along with the water. "No."
 
"Then why aren't you talking to them?" Candice emphasized her righteous anger by adding her hands to her bony hips.
 
Kerri side-eyed the needless theatrics. It made the taller girl look stupid.
 
“Actually,” she said as snootily as possible, “it’s none of your business.”
 
“Whoa, wait right there," Ana snapped back.  "You don’t get to be rude, Kerri. Especially when we're being nice.”
 
Kerri bit her lip.
 
Ana was right.
 
Kerri deflated in front of them, her head dropped and her shoulders slumped as she sunk into the tired cushion.
 
"I'm sorry, I just had a bad day."
 
"I can tell, chica." Ana leaned close to Kerri, offering a hug.
 
Kerri wasn't usually a fan of hugs, or any kind of touching, for that matter. But she dove headfirst into her shoulder, allowing herself to be wrapped up in her roomie’s ‘comfy sweater’ arms. Ana combed through Kerri’s hair and patted the back of her head. It took a lot to keep Kerri from crying, it took everything she had. She wanted to melt into this soft embrace and never come back out.
 
"I want to let you in on a secret, nina. When I have a bad day, I like to go get pizza. Then I do ice cream. How does that sound?"
 
"Like heaven," muttered Kerri, her cheek pressed against Ana. "But I have math homework."
 
"You can just bring your homework," Candice offered. "I'll help you with whatever math you're in, I did the basic freshman stuff while in high school. That's easy peasy."
 
Ana made a goofy face for Kerri, an unflattering imitation of Candice. Yeah, the always overachieving Candice could get a little annoying. Kerri was glad to see that she wasn’t the only one who felt that way.
 
Ana continued to rub her hand up and down Kerri's back. "You see, we're here for you, chica."
 
That felt good to hear. Really good. Kerri allowed herself to be free for the first time all day. She too often wore a mask of normalcy, and that baby chaffed like something else. Her mind freely wandered as Ana tenderly combed through her curly hair with her fingers. Kerri began to softly hum a song from Princess Ponies, they had a lot of them, and she knew the words to most. Just this time, it was only the melody that left her lips.
 
Ana watched the smaller girl with an inquisitive twinkle in her dark eyes, seemingly keeping track of her little movements, almost as if she was studying her behavior.
 
“What’s wrong?” Kerri stopped as soon as she noticed that she was being watched.
 
“You have the mannerisms of a little girl, don’t stop — like it’s super cute. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you were a bit younger than you look. I wonder if you could pass for a kid.”
 
Kerri froze.
 
It was happening again.
 
Babying.
 
Mothering.
 
Overprotective baggage.
 
Candice smelled blood in the water, and joined in on the hunt.
 
“I think with the right clothes and hair we could get people to believe she’s under ten,” joked Candice.
 
Ana cracked, “We could probably get lower than that.”
 
It always went like this, especially when she let her guard down. Kerri glared burning daggers at the two of them, but they never noticed her smol reaction. They wore the strangest expressions, like she was some sort of challenging word puzzle that they were just dying to solve.
 
“Please stop,” Kerri muttered, then she cleared her throat. “Are we going to do pizza, or what?”
 
“You’re right,” Ana said as she was pulled from her wicked daydream. “Pizza, I’m hungry.”
 
“I hope they have something healthy there, like cauliflower crust,” Candice lamented on deaf ears.
 
They were dressed and out the door within minutes, there was a pizza place across the street from campus. At least, according to Candice, who jogged by it 'all the time'. The taller girl had Kerri's heavy backpack over her shoulder, while Ana had an arm around the smaller girl, pulling her into the hallway.
 
They were three amigas. Roomies.
 
Then all at once, they looked at each other, into each other, and a strange thing happened.
 
Ana grabbed Candice by the hand, then she did the same for Kerri, with a devious expression on her face. With childish glee, all three girls skipped and laughed their way to the elevator. Loudly bouncing from wall to wall, catching crazy looks from other girls as they passed. A trio of absolute weirdos, but they were young, cute, and fun, so it was excusable.
 
Kerri didn't let her mind wander during this moment. She captured it in her heart.
 
Maybe this was what college was all about.
 
And maybe, just maybe, things were going to be okay.
 
......
 
The pizza place had a nice round table outside for all three to sit and talk. And talk they did.
 
Ana talked about her huge family, like there were an army of them back home in Florida. They all had names that ended with O’s and A’s, as Ana tore through her chaotic family tree for their entertainment.
 
Candice talked about the many different races she’d ran in, how one runner wet her pants mid-race and still placed in the top three. She admired that kind of dedication.
 
Kerri talked about how lost she was going to class, and the other girls decided that they would skip ice cream in the name of a night time campus tour after dinner.
 
Conversation slowed as they waited for the pizzas, Kerri had a question for the other two.
 
With a glum face, Kerri asked, "So what should I say to my parents?"
 
"I've already talked to them," answered Ana.
 
"W-What?"
 
The soda almost came out of her mouth and nose, and Kerri had to choke it back.
 
"It's not a big deal,” explained Ana. “I told them that you're here and you're fine. I ran some smoke screen for you, chica. You owe me."
 
Kerri didn't know how to feel about Ana talking to her parents. Then again, if she wasn't going to do it, maybe Ana was the best one to run the 'smoke screen'.
 
"Thanks for doing that, Ana."
 
"No problemo, Kerri. Now, let's get out that math homework before the pizza gets here. We don't want any of that cheesy-greasy to cover up your answers."
 
Kerri giggled. "No, we don't want that."
 
The math homework was 'easy' according to Candice. She was working through each problem in 'gotta go fast' fashion, an absolute blue hedgehog when it came to numbers and figures. Kerri struggled to keep up, but by the time the dinner was done, she'd at least got a couple of them right.
 
It was dark by then, and the three walked around campus to see it at night. The university felt smaller, more manageable, with the other two girls around. They helped Kerri pick out the right places to go to class, ways to find short cuts, also places to scout for 'cute boys'. Ana was all about those spots.
 
They had just about walked themselves around the whole place when Ana got a phone call.
 
"Aw, crap. It’s the Anderson’s. I’ve got to take this.”
 
She ducked away from the other girls and started talking in a suddenly professional manner. Lots of ‘yes ma’am’, ‘please and thank yous’, with the tone of a telemarketer. All of which made Kerri raise an eyebrow.
 
It looked like Candice shared her opinion on Ana’s sudden transformation.
 
“Yeah, she’s like totally a professional babysitter. I didn’t even know that she normally makes thirty dollars an hour, but since they have twins, it’s double that. Ana is bringing in bank.”
 
Kerri gasped, “Sixty dollars an hour?”
 
Maybe math didn’t escape her smol brain after all. Simple math. Not math with Greek in it.
 
“Our roomie is a wanted lady,” Candice continued. “She has a history with small kids, lots of experience and certifications. Ana took care of all of her cousins, nieces, and nephews back home in Florida. It’s what she does, and Ana is obviously pretty good at it.”
 
“Pretty good at what?” Ana snuck up from behind.
 
“We were talking about the Anderson kids,” replied Candice.
 
“Yeah, those little brats. I knew it was going to be a battle to get them out of diapers. What I didn’t know about was the pacifiers.”
 
“Really?” Candice said in disbelief.
 
“Yeah, they even have cute stuffed animals that they carry around all the time. Not just for bed, like all the time they need their wittle bears!”

Ana mocked the four year olds by rocking an invisible teddy in her arms.

She then dropped the bomb. “They’re almost like our girl Kerri.”
 
Kerri froze.
 
A stabbing pain radiated in her chest where she kept her feelings, right next to her smol heart.

The blow came out of nowhere, what had she done to deserve that kind of backhand? Kerri wanted to instantly forgive her, Ana didn't know what triggered Kerri, she purposely kept certain memories under lock and key.

Then again, Kerri watched the other two roomies stumble as they laughed, clueless to the fact that Kerri fell further and further behind. They didn’t even stop to care, but this kind of thing happened all of the time, and no one ever stopped to care.
 
She whispered, "Kerri, you're overreacting."
 
Sometimes Kerri didn't listen to Kerri. Even when Kerri had the best ideas.

Her wandering mind shot straight to the dark thoughts. The ones that made her feel so very small, the ones that weren't worth remembering or thinking about.
 
Kerri was an island, walking by herself.
 
The baked-in summer humidity suddenly turned cold, from a betrayal wrong enough to make her shiver. So that’s how they saw her: like one of the pair of diaper wearing, pacifier sucking, stuffie-loving four year olds. Those were her peers in their eyes. How hurtful.
 
The whole night’s progress and goodwill just burned away, and no one dared to even catch the ashes. A total gut punch from what had been a great evening. However, this had just about confirmed her suspicions.
 
They were false friends just as much as Kerri was a fake college student.
 
All of the self-doubt opened a window to a far away place, in a town she once called home. On a night so much like this night. A slumber party at a friend's house, a disaster that flipped her smol life upside down. The long bus ride not enough distance to keep Kerri from her past, and the stowaway baggage from home whispered in her head.
 
'Kerri, baby, can you come here for a moment?'
 
No, Kerri. No.
 
The past didn't belong here; she was in a new place after all, a new woman so-to-speak.

But she didn’t feel all that new. Was a new ‘you’ supposed to kick in like a super power? Kerri didn’t know.
 
Try not to think about that night years ago. Or the following morning, or the next day. Remember something else for once -- the happy dorm hallway before pizza. Ana and Candice were nothing like the girls from back home. Unless they were, then.. then..

'Kerri, baby....'
 
A wandering mind was supposed to wiggle sideways and zoom ahead, never lag behind in the past. What they made her wear, what they made her do. The rumor that they spread in her small hometown.

Going off to college should have been enough to hide that map from her memories, a silver bullet to stop herself from constantly revisiting that trauma.

That didn’t seem to work like she had thought.

Sometimes it was easier to push through these icy waters, other times the dark thoughts dominated her wandering mind, and took her to places where shadows lived.
 
Kerri drifted away on a dark moonless sea. Just quiet and alone.
 
She was altogether lost.

[Traycie]

OMG, this is going to be an awesome story, looking forward to the next 100 Chapters!

[direking]

On 5/22/2022 at 8:27 AM, Traycie said:

OMG, this is going to be an awesome story, looking forward to the next 100 Chapters!

Thanks for kind words. Oh, man. I don't know if I have it in me to write a story that's interesting for 100 chapters.

Sorry to hijack this comment for a short announcement.

Chapter 3 is almost done. A chapter that puts all of the pieces on the game board, and then the games begin. It just needs a few more days to simmer, so don't get concerned if I'm posting other works. I'm still working on 'The 3rd Roommate'.

[direking]

Thanks for reading.

----------

3 Dark Thoughts
 
They came to her when she least expected them.
 
The dark thoughts.
 
Pretending to be many different things, and showing up in many different forms, but they were always dark thoughts.
 
Kerri sat magically sealed to her desk as imaginary eels slithered across the floor and ceiling of the crowded lecture hall. A sitting duck, blindfolded and gagged, and tied to a tree - completely hapless and helpless as usual.
 
'Kerri, baby, can you come here for a moment?'
 
'Just like our girl Kerri.'
 
‘The girls aren’t going to even notice, if you cover it up.’
 
Echoes of the past and present, spelling out a story from those dark thoughts.
 
Sometimes they arrived in the misty fog of doubt, or in the unmistakable shape of inadequacy. They drifted in on the wind, cruelly hinting at her childish nature, her lack of purpose and maturity. Into her waiting ears they whispered; not just what she already knew, but what she really needed to hear.
 
Kerri was an imposter, she didn’t belong in this class or this college or this earth.
 
All dark thoughts.
 
No one in this giant lecture hall could see her fighting this invisible battle, hundreds of other clueless students kept up with the professor’s lecture by writing notes in spirals or typing on laptops.
 
Meanwhile, Kerri fought shadow creatures. All in her head, of course.
 
She should have been paying attention; especially since this was her toughest subject and the home of her lowest grade.
 
The professor was a mean-mustached-man with a stupid bald head, and stupid tweed vests and even ‘stupider’ bowtie. Instead of being a good teacher, he pretended to be a clown on the stage. His cruelty evident in the way he mocked good questions and cracked bad jokes at his students’ expense.
 
A bad dude through and through. A bad dude in control of her future, a bad dude with a grade book.
 
On day one, her math professor joked about the number of kids in the class, saying that there were too many, and that it was his job to weed them out.
 
Kerri felt like the biggest weed in the garden, just waiting to be plucked from the dirt.
 
Dark thoughts. So many dark thoughts.
 
Thoughts that took her back to places she’d wanted to forget.
 
The womanly voice from her past chided her.
 
‘Kerri, baby, you know this is only for your protection, I won’t tell the other girls…’
 
The other girls at the party soon found out, then… then…
 
A loud voice boomed from the chalkboard down below.
 
“Miss Summers? It says here that she’s present. Miss Summers?”
 
Kerri shot awake. “Um. Yeah.”
 
Professor Mustache-man wagged a chalk stained finger. “It pays to pay attention, young lady.”
 
She felt the whole class watching her, felt their beady eyes and judging faces that had replaced the conjured up eels, eerie mist, and the dark shapes of inadequacy. It looked like it was her turn to be the target of the clown man.
 
Don’t panic, Kerri. Don’t panic.
 
“Miss Summers, would you care to answer the question for us?”
 
Oh, she was panicking.
 
She answered as loud as she could, “What question?”
 
The professor wildly threw his hands in the air like he’d given up on his life’s dream of being a college algebra teacher. It all looked ridiculous, which was probably his purpose. The entire class was now laughing at him, and at Kerri, while she tried to figure out what was going on.
 
“Oh, man! It’s like I’m teaching to a brick wall. You okay out there, honey? Please stand up, Miss Summers.”
 
Kerri fought her pounding heart and buckling knees to rise from her plastic stadium seat. She first thought of telling Professor Mustache that this was ‘too much’, but that wasn’t a sound exit strategy. Neither was the second one that came to mind: a swan dive from her nosebleed seat.
 
“I asked you to stand up, Miss Summers. I’m in the business of teaching math, not in repeating myself.”
 
“I am standing, sir.”
 
The class gasped and giggled. The awkward murmur of hushed voices from smirking lips.
 
The funny man judged the situation for a moment, quickly identifying the low hanging fruit that Kerri Summers represented.
 
“Oh, I didn’t realize that I was now teaching at the junior high. It explains a lot, actually.”
 
The class giggled again.
 
They were his personal laugh track at this point. Cue the applause sign and look out, you might get an ‘A’ for sucking up.
 
Kerri was a lot of things, stupid wasn’t one of them. She knew when she was being bullied, and she also knew when it was time to fight back.
 
Kerri returned fire. “I’m in college, sir.”
 
“What was that?” The professor picked up on the outright disrespect from Kerri’s voice.
 
“I said, I’m in college, sir. Not in high school, not in junior high. College. I expected my teachers to recognize the difference.”
 
She quickly returned to her seat, an attempt to slide back into the crowd after throwing a rotten tomato.
 
The good news was that she killed the laugh track, as an uneasy quiet came over the crowd. Now Kerri provided a different kind of entertainment, typically the show came from the stage and not the audience. Who knew what was going to happen next?
 
“Summers, huh?”
 
Professor Mustache set aside his work at the board and leaned over the lectern where he kept his open laptop.
 
He scrolled with his fingers until he found what he was looking for, and a cruel smile broke his stern expression.
 
“Well, based on your last test grade, I don’t expect for you to be in college for very long. Now, answer the question on the board… if you even can.”
 
Kerri froze.
 
The question on the board was everywhere, chalk lines and strange characters with denotations, the ramblings of a mathematical mad man. There was no way she could answer this thing, she had no idea where to even begin.
 
“I don’t… I don’t know.”
 
Kerri slunk deeper into her seat, then tried her very best to disappear. The bad dude would have his way with her now, and there would be no more snootiness. Only more laugh track.
 
“That’s what I thought,” he said with a cruel grin. “You’re spending too much time thinking of ways to be disrespectful, instead of doing your job. Now let’s see where she went wrong, which means we’ll start at the beginning.”
 
The class laughed at her expense, the professor had won an easy battle.
 
Kerri burned like a funeral pyre from her embarrassment. For the rest of the class, she hated herself for standing up and saying something stupid. At least she was free from whatever was going on in her little head. The land of her ‘make believe’ wasn’t always happy, but her hands still shook from the confrontation, and it took a lot of her willpower to still them.
 
Eventually, the class ended. And her butt was out of the seat the second that it did.
 
“Hey, Summers.”
 
Kerri turned to the girl’s voice behind her.
 
A guy and girl stood a few rows above her, more nosebleed than her nosebleed seat.
 
She had short black hair, wore a grey shirt, and her ripped jeans looked naturally worn, not store bought that way.
 
The guy was a twig of a boy, wore a baseball cap and had pierced ears, barely noticeable chin stubble and dressed like a stereotypical stoner in tie-dye and baggy khakis.
 
They had a look of a couple, with the black haired girl’s arm wrapped around the boy’s shoulders in a possessive manner, claiming him.
 
The girl was the one who wore the pants, as she spoke for her boyfriend.
 
“We just wanted to say that we loved how you stood up to our idiot Professor.”
 
“Um. Thanks.”
 
Kerri didn’t fight her smile. It felt good to hear a compliment, but awkward in the way it made her feel so appreciated.
 
The girl continued, “My name is Bez, and this is my boyfriend, Jeff.”
 
Jeff gave her a quick nod. “Hey.”
 
That’s all that left his lips, Jeff was a man of many words. His hands hid in the pockets of his pants as he scanned the lecture hall looking for nothing in particular. Was that a shark’s tooth necklace around his neck? How cliché.
 
Kerri yanked her fickle attention back to Bez.
 
“Well, I do my best to stand up for myself. I don’t like when people make fun of me.”
 
“Nobody does,” Bez replied. “Bullying is like a litmus test, it really points out the difference between good and bad people.”
 
It made sense.
 
Bez continued, “Some people can sit by and watch others get bullied, others can’t. It’s that simple.”
 
Kerri agreed. “Yeah, I guess you’re right.”
 
“I’m a girl, I’m always right.” Bez shoved an elbow into Jeff who was in la-la land. “Tell Summers how right I am.”
 
Jeff cleared his throat. “She’s totally right, all the time.”
 
She cradled his scruffy cheek with a gentle hand, then gave it a soft slap. Jeff shot her a glare before going back to Jeff-ing it up.
 
“You see, Summers, they can be trained!”
 
Bez shot her arms wide like a goofy carnival barker, then with a quick flick of her hand, she flipped his baseball cap to the ground. Jeff grumbled as he retrieved it, and as he bent over to pick it up, she cupped his vulnerable bottom with a devious grin. Jeff squeaked as she ‘goosed him’ and slid the hat back on now wearing an incredible blush.
 
Kerri wondered what that was all about, the display of dominance, completely inappropriate to do in front of her. She sheepishly pretended aloofness as she fought a quick forming blush as well.
 
“Summers, you're exactly the kind of girl that I need in my life. Jeff and I have got to go, you know, do things -- but I’d like to see you sometime later. You can find me at the coffee shoppe on campus on Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday afternoons.”
 
Was she making a new friend? Is this what it was like to feel accepted?
 
It felt like warm cookies fresh from the oven. How so? Kerri didn't know, she was weird that way.
 
Still, Kerri felt blindsided by this kind of good fortune. This was college stuff! The good stuff, and not the bad grades, mean-mustached math professors, strained relationship with roomies, or the overly 'the same' big, scary campus, etc. etc. etc.
 
“Um. Cool,” answered Kerri, sliding her hands into her own pockets Jeff-ing it up. “See you then.”
 
……
 
The university library was a box of a building that stood three stories tall. It had seen better days, to put it politely.
 
The school had tried to hide that reality by tacking on an avant-garde, multi-story window at its entrance. No one thought better of the fact that the front faced westward, and the current angle late afternoon sun forced everyone inside to shield their faces in some manner. There was little left in the budget to fix that problem, so the students would have to adjust.
 
It was a typical university library in every sense. An internal maze of shelves and stacks, overflowing book carts, and tiny study rooms on every floor. There was a line of a dozen computers, free to use with a student ID. Same with the printer, but it cost extra to print in color.
 
What it wasn’t: quiet.
 
At least not as quiet as advertised.
 
There was a hushed whisper that coated the first floor; a constant buzzing like a beehive over a long distance phone call, and somebody was hammering out a rag-time jam on the plastic keyboards in the small computer lab. Did they really needed to slam their stupid fingers into the keys like that?
 
Kerri tried to keep her wandering mind on the stupid math homework in front of her stupid face. Unfortunately, her brain had other plans. It had a tendency to disagree with what Kerri wanted, it was like her mind had a mind of its own.
 
All her thoughts drifted away from the contents of that desk. Her focus skipped out for the afternoon, thinking about Bez and Jeff, shadow creatures in her math class, and that girl twenty feet away that was chewing gum like a cow.
 
Chomp. Chomp. Chomp.
 
Cow girl! Quit chewing so loud. Translation: Moo! Moo!
 
Like everything else so far, college was going so wrong.
 
This was supposed to be a place outside of her dorm where she could set her head straight. Ever since that comment about her and her stuffies, and the comparison to the four year old baby twins, she’d had a hard time feeling comfortable around her new roommates.
 
A part of her wanted to forgive them, or at least tell them how she felt. The other part let it swallow her into the shadows.
 
Her wandering mind brought up the memory of their joke, putting extra emphasis on their cruel laughter, making her relive that painful moment over and over again. Thanks for doing your best, wandering mind.
 
Why couldn’t she forget how that felt like she forgot how to do math?
 
Unfortunately, it went beyond just that comment. It was a feeling that she couldn’t quite describe, even to herself.
 
A hierarchy of sorts was already being built, and her sweet roomies were already up a pair of steps, towering over the smol girl.
 
Enough of that. Back to math. Kerri leaned back in her chair, it was about time she got back to work.
 
Then her world went dark.
 
A stranger’s firm and feminine hands clasped over her tired eyes.
 
“Guess who?”
 
It was Candice. She had an inescapable Texas twang that Kerri had come to instantly recognize over the past month.
 
Kerri felt somewhat relieved that it actually was someone she knew. And not a kidnapping attempt in broad daylight; then again, if she were kidnapped, she wouldn’t have to do math.
 
“A stupid girl from Texas that likes to run all the time,” muttered Kerri.
 
The hands were removed.
 
Candice faked an emotional injury from the smol girl’s feisty words. “Hey, is that a way to treat a roomie?”
 
Kerri shook her head.
 
“I’m just in a math mood right now, positives and negatives. Mostly negative.”
 
“That’s too bad,” answered the taller girl.
 
Candice flashed a polite smile as she picked up Kerri’s textbook. She looked at the spine and flipped to the page where Kerri was having a hard time with her homework.
 
“Would you like me to help?” asked Candice.
 
“Well, I… You’d do that?” Kerri felt a ray of hope that banished the dark clouds.
 
“Of course I’d do that. What kind of bestie do you think I am? Never mind. I don’t want to know. I’m only here to pick up some software for class, it’s old school stuff still on CDs, but I’m free for the afternoon. So am I helping or not?”
 
The offer sounded genuine enough, and Kerri knew she could take all the help that she could get. Maybe she should give her roomies a second chance. Maybe she was being overly sensitive. Unfortunately, her overly sensitive nature came part and parcel with her wandering mind.
 
Kerri clasped her tiny hands together and begged. “Help. Please.”
 
She could tell by the way Candice happily pulled a spare chair up beside her that the taller girl relished feeling needed, being in control. Candice cracked her knuckles and did a little neck stretch, a little warm-up for… math?
 
“Alright, let’s get started.”
 
……..
 
About an hour later, they had finished up.
 
The two of them were in a much better place, literally. Candice helped Kerri find a cozy spot in a forgotten corner, further away from the librarians who shushed all over the place like a trio of garden sprinklers. It was also much easier to study without the sun in her face as well.
 
Now they had moved on from math problems to Kerri problems, which she had a bunch of those that needed solving as well.
 
Candice leaned over the table, a free flowing font of advice. All in sporty metaphors. Like a sneaker slogan or the side of a Gatorade.
 
“You’re taking yourself too seriously, Kerri. Quit trying so hard. You’re going to pull a muscle. Learn how to not sweat the small stuff.”
 
Kerri braced her chest with her hands, an inward pointing to herself.
 
“What if the problem is the small stuff?”
 
“See what I mean?” Candice laughed. “Learn to laugh at yourself, then you’ll see that things aren’t that bad.”
 
Har-har and Yeahaw. The smol girl suddenly felt bad about making herself a joke. Bullying was a litmus test for good and bad people. If Kerri put herself down, and made herself a victim, what did it say about Kerri?
 
Candice assured, “I’m just trying to help, Kerri.”
 
“Yeah, I know. But…”
 
Kerri was unsure about what she should say next. It was like her intuition caught onto a radio station too far for her antenna, and she couldn't quite pin it to the right signal, or correctly identify this feeling or where it came from.
 
“But…,” Candice muttered, waving her hands in a forthcoming gesture. “You’re leaving me hanging here, kid.”
 
Okay, Kerri. Here we go.
 
Kerri muttered, "You made fun of my stuffies."
 
"So?"
 
"It hurt my feelings when you made me feel childish."
 
Candice shrugged again. "And?"
 
It felt like Candice didn't get the radio station either, Kerri couldn't tell if she felt bad about making Kerri feel bad. Was it Candice’s fault that Kerri felt bad? Or was she again being over sensitive?
 
Kerri explained, "I didn’t like it."
 
"That’s your problem, Kerri." Candice playfully slugged her arm, hard enough to make it sting. "You’re the one who chose to get hurt by it. It was funny, not mean. Learn to laugh at yourself, and you’ll understand the difference."
 
No, they weren’t on the same wave-length - at all.
 
Then Candice asked a not-so-innocent question, "Kerri, what are you most afraid of?"
 
Where could Kerri begin to answer that? There was such a laundry list of bad thoughts, fears, and troubles that circled around in her little head, that it’d been much easier to count the things that didn’t scare her. Which would be a short list for a short girl.
 
“I’m not sure I want to answer that,” said Kerri.
 
Candice didn’t accept her deflection.
 
“You have to, I helped you with your math homework twice, you owe me twofold.”
 
Kerri exhaled. “What? really?”
 
“Yeah…” Candice failed to elaborate. Instead she lowered her gaze at Kerri, like a tiger about to pounce.
 
It was happening again.
 
Sensing danger, Kerri asked, "Why do you have that strange look on your face?"
 
Candice ignored her concerns, instead moving in closer from across the oak table.
Too close. Too much.
 
"Seriously. What are you most afraid of, Kerri? It pays to know what you want least, then realize it's not so bad. That's the way I look at it."
 
The smaller girl didn’t want to answer, but she was compelled to speak by her intimidating roommate.
 
Kerri admitted, “I hate when people think that I’m a kid… or something.”
 
“Totally understandable.” Candice nodded along in an ominous, uncaring way. “I’m thinking of a way you can get over yourself, fight your biggest fear, but you’ll have to follow along.”
 
“Okay?” Kerri didn’t follow along.
 
Candice ordered, "Stick your thumb in your mouth."
 
Kerri froze.
 
Her insides screamed in protest. Why couldn’t she just say ‘No!’ and move on with life. That just wasn’t how Kerri worked, not before and definitely not now.
 
Candice pressed her harder, firmer.
 
“Come on, Kerri. Suck your thumb. It’ll be good for you.”
 
No, it wouldn’t. At least not on this planet. To ‘suck her thumb’ would be seen as ‘childish’. They were in public, and everyone would catch Kerri acting unfit for their university. The dark thoughts were waiting in the wings for this very moment, the shadows sent away circled back with a vengeance.
 
"Well, what are you waiting for, Kerri? Are you there?"
 
She struggled to speak. “I… can’t…”
 
“You totally can, but you’re not. It’s nothing. Even toddlers can put their thumbs in their mouths. Even babies.”
 
Don’t use that word. Don’t use that word.
 
Kerri whispered, “People will see!”
 
The taller girl agreed. “You’re right, and they might.”
 
Candice slowly closed the distance between them, her head and shoulders well into Kerri’s personal space.
 
"Which is exactly why you need to do this! You're worrying too much about how other people see you, you’re so worried that it’s all you think about. It’s impossible to be focused on anything else when you’re so concerned about what other people think.”
 
Kerri fought oncoming tears as she growled an objection. "How does sticking my thumb in my mouth going to help me?”
 
Candice put aside her usual kidding-demeanor, tucked it away in her personality pocket; then she pulled out a stern one, her competitive running face. Tight brow, narrowed focused gaze, and clenched teeth.
 
Candice said, “Just do it, Kerri.”
 
But Kerri shook her head. No.
 
This was now a girl-battle for supremacy, a 1v1 that appealed to Candice’s alpha personality. She scooted her chair closer to Kerri, a way to make her physical presence more powerful, more intimidating than before. Gone was the happy feeling of getting her math homework done, now the anxiety would conquer all, leaving Kerri hapless and helpless in her chair.
 
"Kerri, let me help you with your 'little' problem. You're weak. You put off that kind of energy like crazy, I don't know how to tell you this without hurting your feelings."
 
No, Candice. You don't care about hurting my feelings, thought Kerri as she slipped further and further into her internal shadow.
 
“It’s about toughness, little girl,” continued Candice. "Just do it, learn to get it done with. Work through the hard parts."
 
"This isn't helping me," complained Kerri.
 
"No, it is. I can tell. I can see how weak you feel, make yourself feel strong."
 
Kerri looked at her innocent little thumbs on the end of her smol hands. She thought to herself, sometimes a thumb is just a thumb, and a mouth is just a mouth.
 
When is a thumb not just a thumb?
 
When it's in your mouth.
 
Then it’s pretending to be something else.
 
Unfortunately, this thumb-in-mouth business had potential to be much worse than her roomies’ offhand remarks. It would turn Kerri into a traitor in a sense, a betrayal of what she wanted to be seen as: a capable college student.
 
Candice watched as Kerri fought an internal battle against her demons.
 
“Come on, Kerri. You’d already be done if you weren’t so scared of something so simple. No need to be such a baby.”
 
Kerri objected, “Stop it.”
 
She didn’t stop it. “Baby. Baby. Baby.”
 
“Leave me alone, I mean it.”
 
Her roommate turned outright confrontational, squaring her shoulders, clenching her fists against the oak table. Candice meant business.
 
“Shut me up then, and just stick your thumb in your mouth. It’s not a big deal, unless you make it a big deal. So quit making it a big deal.”

No big deal.
 
A puppet person, that’s what Kerri became.
 
Her right hand rose from the table like it was tied to a string. It was an inevitability, the combination of dark thoughts and the falling apart at the first hint of conflict. However, this wasn't conflict as much as a one-way battle, a dominating massacre coming at the hands of Candice, who preyed upon Kerri.
 
Kerri was going to suck her thumb, and both girls knew it.
 
"There we go, sweetheart." Candice leaned close enough to whisper into her ear, it tickled her eardrums. "There's no one else in here but me and you, no one is watching, no one cares what you do — except you. This is all about you getting past everything holding you back."
 
The smaller girl closed her eyes as she softly traced the edge of her lips with the side of her thumb.
 
“Not good enough, Kerri. I want it all the way to the second knuckle.”
 
It felt harder to breathe, her chest tightened as she closed her eyes. Maybe if she wasn’t looking, she could pretend she was alone, in her own little world with talking ponies.
 
Kerri inhaled. Exhaled.
 
Breath one.
 
Breath two.
 
Thumb into mouth.
 
Her lips naturally rested around the invader, offering a soft tug at her thumb when she unconsciously suckled.
 
This was a stupid idea. The dumbest thing she’d ever done, and there was a long list that trailed her like a late evening shadow.
 
How’d she let Candice talk her into this?
 
Kerri went to pull her hand free from her mouth, but Candice wrapped her much stronger hand around her little wrist — making that impossible.
 
“What the heck, Candice?” Kerri mumbled around her thumb.
 
“Keep it in there, you’re not done.”
 
Kerri did as she was told.
 
The bigger girl took her time to slide away, carefully evaluating her living work of art: the smol girl sucking her thumb.
 
Kerri remained paralyzed. Her mouth made her thumb wet. Her heart beat free from her chest, rapidly rising and falling, a hyperventilating sculpture with a time bomb inside. She searched the room around her with her wild eyes, making sure no one was looking, no one noticing, and no one cared. If there was a lesson at the end of this thumb-suck, Kerri didn’t get it.
 
Her wandering mind remained focused on her puffing, burning cheeks, and not the thumb between her lips. Still, Kerri didn’t put a stop to this. She never put a stop to it, not even when it happened before. Dark thoughts.
 
Candice savored the moment, as Kerri didn’t savor the taste of her thumb. When was the last time she washed her hands? Ew.
 
“There we go,” whispered Candice, with a cruel grin. “You can pull it out now — you see, looking like a kid isn’t so bad, you’re so cute that it just ‘works’.”
 
Kerri ripped her thumb free, letting her angry glare break any pretense of friendship. Things were ruined here, and Candice had to have known that, but the girl from Texas looked oblivious to the effects of her harassment, her demeaning bullying. Completely ignorant to the fact that her litmus test read as ‘sour’ — or however a bad litmus test would read.
 
Kerri snapped, “What was that all about, Candice?”
 
“I dunno.” Candice shrugged, as she returned to her usual benign expression. “I was just wondering if you would do it.”
 
She continued to go about like nothing happened, then caught onto Kerri’s silent fuming, mostly her heavy breathing, and turned suddenly defensive.
 
“Hey, you shouldn’t blame ME for YOU sticking your thumb in your mouth. You’re the one that did it, Kerri. It’s your fault if you feel bad about it… not mine. Are you even listening to me? You always do this… especially when you’re … it’s your fault that… it’s your fault... Why can’t you see that, Kerri?”
 
The smol girl was zoning out, as reality’s frequency faded away.
 
One half of Kerri wanted to keep up with the conversation, fight the bad feelings away by standing up for herself, but the other half — the one with the dark parts — strangely found herself in agreement.
 
It was her fault. All her fault.

[ItsYourBoi]

Wow i like this

[direking]

Thanks for reading.

—————————
 

4 Project Kerri
 
Kerri stared at her progress report on the screen of the open laptop.
 
English Lit 1.8
College Algebra .9
Principles of Art 3.5
Biology 1.1
 
Big yikes.

If she wasn’t in public, she would have probably cried, but Kerri didn’t want to do that surrounded by the customers in the Coffee Shoppe and in front of Bez. 

Bez was technically ‘on the clock’, and she looked different in her Coffee Shoppe green smock-apron thingy. Her dark hair done up in a short ponytail, revealing a parade of multicolored stud earrings in her left ear.
 
The usually talkative girl had no comment on Kerri’s progress report; mostly because there was nothing good to say, aside from something clever about adding her grades together would get her a 9.0. However, this was such a disaster that even good humor could do little to lift her spirits.
 
What a miserable month and a half it had been. The relationship with her roomies could be best defined as ‘strained’, and things weren’t appearing to get any better.
 
Kerri couldn’t get over the thumb sucking incident in the library. Running it back and forth in her brain didn’t seem to help. She still didn’t know how to feel about that moment; whether it was her fault or not. Except it became easier to blame Candice for all of that nonsense, even if it was Kerri who put her thumb in her mouth.
 
Then there were the bad grades, this progress report, and the sudden quiet brought about by the laptop screen.
 
“Maybe Professor Mustache was right,” Kerri said to Bez as she folded the offending computer. “I won’t last long in college at all.”
 
She slumped into the cradle she made with her arms on the table.
 
Bez shirked her green apron, and plopped down in chair next to Kerri, fully prepared to be a shoulder to lean on with an ear to lend.
 
For some reason, she was smiling.
 
“Wait a minute,” Bez noted with a goofy grin. “You actually call him Professor Mustache?”
 
“Yeah.” Kerri couldn’t help but to giggle, sometimes it paid to be ridiculous. “He has a different name?”
 
Bez couldn’t believe it. “You’re funny, Summers. Little and funny.”
 
Kerri managed to shift her grimace into an awkward smile. Bez didn’t mean to trigger her; she seemed genuinely nice, a welcome respite from everything else.
 
“Aren’t you supposed to be working?” Kerri noted to Bez.
 
“Yes, and quit reminding me of the bad decisions I’ve made in life, Summers. When someone says making coffee prepares you for a career in poetry, they lie!”
 
Kerri asked, “There are careers in poetry?”
 
“No, there aren’t. Another bad decision on my part. In fact, I have no idea why you’re even talking to me. I’m the worst Bez on the planet, don’t take my advice.”
 
“I’m sure you’re not the worst,” Kerri said in a friendly manner. “But I doubt there are very many other Bez’s, it’s a strange name.”
 
“So is Summers,” retaliated Bez, then she gave Kerri a knowing look. “Go on, I know you want to ask.”
 
The smol girl fought the smirk that came with being clever.
 
“So, why do they call you Bez, Bez?”
 
“My real name is Elizabeth, but no one wants to be called Elizabeth, unless they’re a queen. Other girls might try a ‘Liz’, or a more conservative ‘Beth’. But me, I say smash them together like PB and J.”
 
Then she clapped her hands. “I’m a Bez.”
 
Kerri was less sure about that origin story. “That’s really how you came up with your name?”
 
“Yeah, girl.” Bez gave her a wink. “I think Professor Mustache was already taken. Maybe in the next life, who knows?”
 
They both laughed. That oven fresh cookie feeling kicked in again, their shared flavor was chocolate chip. Why? Because Kerri was weird, same as ever.
 
“You’re so great, Bez. I’m so lucky to have met you. It’s so hard to make friends in college.”
 
Bez snapped, “Who said we’re friends, Summers?”
 
Kerri froze.
 
Had she been misreading Bez this whole time?
 
Kerri knew she was clueless, but still, she had thought that they were connecting on a different level. This was a recurring problem for girls with wandering minds, with strange radio stations that entertained shadow creatures in their heads. For all that saw and heard things a tad bit different than everyone else.
 
It got quiet. Quiet like with the laptop.
 
“Oh, I was joking.” Bez quickly mended the unintended damage. “I didn’t mean to upset you, your face got all pale and dark — at the same time. I shouldn’t make light of things if you’re having a hard time adjusting to college life.”
 
“I’m doing fine,” answered Kerri, with a long accompanying sigh.
 
Bez smushed her lips together in a way that said ‘Nope’ with a big capital 'N'.
 
“When you say it with that much enthusiasm, I know you’re not ‘doing fine’. What’s going on in that head of yours, Summers? I want to know more about you… since we’re friends and everything.”
 
Kerri opened up. “It’s just my roommates…”
 
Bez asked, “What’s wrong with your roommates?”
 
“It’s just… I don’t know, really.”
 
Kerri started to answer, but was interrupted by an actual customer. You know, a paying one. Kerri didn’t drink coffee, it gave her the jitters even more than usual.
 
Bez lifted a single finger as she headed back behind the counter, tying back on the apron in mid-step.
 
She instructed, “Hold that thought.”
 
So Kerri ‘held that thought’. What WAS wrong with her roommates?
 
What could she possibly say about them that Bez would understand?
 
Earlier this week, a tall Texan made her suck her thumb in the library. Before that, her other roommate compared her to toddlers who desperately needed overdue potty training. These weren’t things you mentioned to new friends. Or anyone. It was too weird. Too embarrassing.
 
Then again, Bez had a sympathetic streak to her, and a sharp wit to relay her thoughts. A perfect sounding board for girls with wandering minds and roomie problems.
 
Kerri checked on Bez.
 
A second and third customer joined the first in line, Bez gave Kerri a quick shrug as she took their orders, and Kerri suddenly had much more time to herself.
 
So she got out her sketch pad from her backpack and went to work.
 
Kerri liked to draw.
 
She liked to color even more.
 
Sketching with pencil was a stripped down version of coloring. A chance to play with lights and darks, and varying shades of gray from applying various amounts of pressure. Shades that could relay emotion; in softness and hardness, in vicious streaks, tiny scribbles.
 
Drawing was simple. Everything was out on the paper. No hidden agendas, or misconstrued meanings. What you saw was all there, open to any interpretation. There was comfort in that, in the place where Kerri could communicate her thoughts without the ongoing static of the regular world. A place where she was a maestro instead of a ‘Kerri’.
 
She drew a galloping horse across a white plain.
 
Kerri started with the illusion of motion, pounding hooves raised mid-air, crisp darker shades along toned muscles, a wild mane flowed free from strong neck, she sketched a lean, focused face with flared nostrils. Eyes dark circles, a little bit of white page intentionally left blank to help them shine with intelligence.
 
Horses were so free on the blank page; they got to just be a horse, and do horse things. Not math. Not English. Not science. Kerri came to draw - not solve for X or wonder about Y, or worry about why. That was all bothersome noise.
 
Her wandering mind drifted to her problematic roommates. The sketch provided a background soundtrack of sorts; calm scratching of graphite to paper, swift flicks of her wrist, the comfort of creation while being in total control. A cushion for problems she could erase with the other end of the pencil.
 
The skillful curves and blurry lines on page kept her senses on track, so her mind was free to wander.
 
Her roommates.
 
They weren’t mean.
Or callous.
Or cruel.
Or anything like a pair of wicked stepsisters from a fairy tale.
 
Candice Sims and Ana Rodriguez were perfectly nice; especially to each other, and the two were quickly becoming best friends. Which left no place for Kerri, hence a big part of the ‘problem’.
 
Swish and flick. Scratch, scratch. A pair of half moons transformed into the horse’s chest. Chaotic squiggly lines became sinew and toned muscle.
 
The more concerning part of the problem was how they didn’t see her as an equal, or Kerri didn't see herself as their equal. She was something else to them - they were something different than Kerri.
 
Until Bez, there were no other friends outside the dorm room. They had all formed groups and cliques in secret, without bringing the smol lost sheep into the fold.
 
Kerri knew that freshman year of college was all about getting out of that familiar comfort zone and making new friends. Kerri tried, she really did, but she still found herself on the outside looking in — like a perpetual third wheel.
 
Then it hit her.
 
Kerri was the third roommate.
 
The unneeded, unnecessary, unwelcome.
 
Gosh, that was a dark thought.
 
Fitting in isn’t as easy as it’s made out to be; even truer for a girl like Kerri, with all of that mind wandering and head space-y whatnot.
 
Hanging around Bez helped a little. No, a lot.
 
Bez cared little for the fact that Kerri was different, or sorta out there, and her new friend was probably further from the trappings of normalcy than Kerri.
 
But did Bez have a past like Kerri? A dark spot to escape. A place where memories still cut like knives, and whispers still echoed while in coffee shops.
 
Kerri, baby, can you come here for a moment?'
 
Kerri pressed the pencil against the paper, the white horse was on the run, not in a freeform gallop across the white plain. There was a growing shadow behind it. She turned the pencil sideways as she applied more and more pressure, almost to the point of snapping its tip.
 
'Kerri, baby'
'Kerri, baby'
'Kerri, baby'
 
The shades of gray blossomed into an explosion of shadow, the place where the dark thoughts lived. The horse's face went from serene to terrified, and Kerri kept making it worse and worse and worse...
 
“Holy crap, Summers!”
 
It was Bez.
 
Kerri awoke to the soft sounds of Coffee Shoppe conversations. She turned to Bez, unsure of what to say about the picture of a horse against the dark thoughts. Bez had somehow snuck up behind Kerri when she was in her 'dark place'. The smol girl never even saw her coming, she had a bad habit of letting her guard down while drawing.
 
“You never told me that you could draw like this,” exclaimed Bez, “do you draw anything else?”
 
Kerri also drew Princess Ponies, but that was all in private, and Bez did not need to know about that.
 
“I can draw other things,” she answered sheepishly.
 
Kerri flipped through the black bound sketch pad to other drawings. Objects, people, a Princess Pony - Kerri blushed, then quickly skipped over that one.
 
Kerri shrugged, “They’re nothing special.”
 
“Nothing special, pwah!" Bez stole the sketch pad from her smol hands and did some flipping of her own. "They're beautiful. They're incredible. Shut up and take my money, Summers. Seriously, can I have the one you're drawing now?"
 
Kerri glanced at the horse that Bez held up for her to see.
 
"I don't see why not," said Kerri.
 
Her thoughts on what she just drew changed by the moment. The shadows made Kerri hate her picture, a horse should be a horse, not running from their past. That didn't matter to Bez, who delicately tore the page from the sketch pad before sliding it in front of Kerri. The small artist stared at the page, unsure what Bez wanted her to do.
 
"Sign it, Summers. All great artists sign their works. Plus, when you get famous, I'm totally going to sell this online. This poetry and coffee thing isn't going to pay the bills forever."
 
A quick blush traveled across her body, it came from the warmness of her heart - similar to the warmness of cookies straight from the oven. Yep, chocolate chip. Kerri picked up her pencil and stencil the words 'Kerri Summers' to the bottom of the page. This felt so good. So right.
 
Bez folded the thick paper into her apron. "Now, what were we talking about?"
 
Kerri mumbled, "My roommates."
 
The cookies had left the oven, taking its warm 'feel-goods' with them.
 
“And, what about them?” continued Bez. “I want to know everything, especially the bad gossip.”
 
Kerri tried explaining, “I can’t help but feel that they’re teaming up on me.”
 
“Oh, that sucks,” Bez said with legitimate enthusiasm. “They can’t be all that bad. I know Rodriguez, she’s in my psych class. She seems super nice.”
 
Kerri expressed her shock. "Wait, you know Ana?"
 
"Yeah, Introduction to Psychology," repeated Bez. "She's funny and nice, with a dirty mind. I have a hard time believing that she's mean to you or anything. Unless she has an alternate personality that is only revealed in private."
 
Kerri paused for a moment. The fact that these two different girls knew each other on this huge campus, and these connections coming out of nowhere, maybe it was a smol world after all.
 
She pointed out, "You two don't seem like the type to be friends.”
 
"Check out the ‘judgmental’ on you, Summers. I’m not so sure that it’s a good look.”
 
Kerri felt her face drop, Bez had put her in her place, and so fast.
 
“We're both in there for different reasons," Bez explained with a shrug of her shoulders. "I'm into how someone becomes a serial killer, and Rodriguez is all about potty training and fixing bad habits. I wonder if the two are related. Need to pee - killing spree. Yeah, that's not funny."
 
Kerri remained silent.
 
"That's not it, is it?" Bez continued. "That they're mean, I mean. ‘They're’ mean. Do they put snakes in your bed, or bring in tons of boys for wild parties? You're going to have to say something, Kerri. Otherwise, nothing will change, and you'll be a mope for the rest of your days."
 
Kerri tried to think of the best way to describe her situation. There was a set of empathetic ears in front of her, and she needed a second opinion from a more normal mind. She thought about Ana and Candice, and the masks they wore on day one.
 
“It’s like their nice is too nice," she said, "a nice that rings hollow.”
 
"Rodriguez does seem like the nice type," replied Bez.
 
"I know she seems that way, but that's not the entire truth,” Kerri explained as she stared off away from Bez. “They think that they're helping me, but they're not, it's just the opposite. I can never relax when I'm around them. They make me nervous, and scared, I think. Something about how they treat me is off-putting. I can't fully explain it, I know I sound like an idiot."
 
Bez seemed to understand, which came as a relief to Kerri, who always struggled to get her words right.
 
“I get it, Summers. We’re artists, sensitive creatures that are in love with the real, the genuine. Bad art exists as the opposite of that, as a pretense for something else. The same could be said of the kindness of strangers, or in this case, the niceness of roommates."
 
Kerri nodded.
 
She couldn’t help but to be in awe of this girl. Bez was smart, capable, creative and philosophical. And nothing at all like the short mess that made Kerri Summers.
 
“You know what I think, Summers?” Bez said. “I’m not privy to everything going on in that head of yours, but I think you should give them a second chance. And after that, a third. Nice is nice, even if it’s out of platitude. It starts with telling them how you feel - it's the same as talking to me. Maybe, just maybe, you guys can work out just what you need."
 
Kerri considered the advice for a moment.
 
“You really think that things would get better if I’d just talk to them?”
 
“Yeah,” Bez answered. “And if they want to help you, I think you should do what they ask. Who knows? It might just be the thing to turn it all around, a chance to prove Mr. Mustache wrong.”
 
“It’s Professor Mustache,” corrected Kerri, then she added, “Thanks for the advice, Bez.”
 
Bez smiled a cookie-fresh smile with perfect teeth.

“No problem, Summers. That’s literally why I’m here… unless you want a latte.”
 
……
 
Kerri felt good after seeing Bez, enjoying every step of the way back to the dorm. Their meeting of the minds made her feel talkative, somewhat confident, like she was *gasp* a normal smol girl with a wandering mind. 

The roomies had ambushed Kerri before she could get inside the room. The small girl ‘just had’ to do dinner in the cafeteria as a roomie-togetherness-thing, or however Candice described it. There was no choice in the matter. Which was more than fine, Kerri wanted to speak with both of them.
 
That night at dinner, Kerri turned herself into the topic of conversation. She talked about her grades, and how she felt lost on campus - in more ways than one. She explained how they made her feel - so, so smol. Not in those words of course, Kerri didn't exactly pick the words that she used, they just flowed from wandering mind and out her open mouth. 

“I’m sorry if you felt that way,” Ana apologized first. “I’m so glad you told me these things. The last thing I would want to do is patronize you, nina.”

This was working. Bez was right.

Kerri glossed over a few important details, skipping a few parts about thumbs and libraries. Also, she left out the existence of Bez. 

Throughout her tale, Kerri side-eyed Candice, whom she'd been avoiding since the thumb sucking incident. The girl from Texas had nothing to add to the discussion besides a blank stare.
 
However, Ana had some ideas of her own. The Latina immediately latched onto the idea of ‘fixing’ Kerri Summers. It was right up her alley, and she had a hard time containing her excitement. She thought the two roomies were in a good spot to help Kerri.
 
Ana announced, “We’ll call it Project Kerri.”

Kerri did not like the sound of that.

Ana attempted a patent tingling-smile to disarm Kerri. It somewhat worked.

“I’m not sure I want to be a project,” objected Kerri.

Ana replied, “But you said that you wanted our help?”

“Yeah, I did, but..”

Candice reminded, “Make sure you drink enough water, Kerri.”
 
Kerri coughed. “Yeah, thanks.”

She made sure to take a big gulp while Candice was watching. This was the kind of nice that was 'too nice', the 'help' that didn't feel like help. The hierarchy. The baggage. The mask. The bad art.
 
“That’s the spirit, chica.” Ana complimented Kerri, perfectly patronizing like she just said she wouldn’t do.

Why was Kerri like this? Always confirming to the wills of others?
 
Suddenly, their circular table felt like it was in the very center of the cafeteria. And all of its clammer siphoned right into her ears. The conversations, the chewing, the scraping of forks and knives. It all drove Kerri crazy.

Ana didn’t seem to notice that the whole room rose in volume and annoying-ness.

"Come on, Kerri. It's not like we'll poke you with sharp needles or stick electrodes to your head while you sleep. We will use research based methods to bring about a ‘new’ Kerri. And if research doesn’t work, we can always fall back on my experience as a babysitter.”
 
The Latina made a forthcoming motion with the utensils in her hands as she chewed. Kerri watched the shiny fork twirl in circles, trying to keep her mind focused on what she was saying over the cacophony of mind breaking noise.

Ana continued her pep talk.
 
“You said it yourself that you're having a hard time adjusting. We can help you, I know Candice agrees with me. We all want the same thing: a happy Kerri. You're not going to be happy if you drop out, chica. Plus, those grades aren't going to magically fix themselves. Admit it, Kerri, you have a hard time focusing. Just like right now, you’re off in la-la land, chica."
 
Ana snapped her fingers.

And Kerri’s alert conscience snapped back like a rubber band.

Ana said, “You need to admit that you have a hard time focusing, girl.”

"I'm not admiting to anything," Kerri glumly answered.
 
Ana softened her approach, then looked to Candice for 'help'. It wasn't coming. Candice had a mouthful of lettuce, and half a leaf was hanging from her lips. For being an avid nutritionist, Candice was an awful eater.
 
"Alright, I'm coming on a little strong. How do I rephrase this..."
 
Ana considered her words for a few seconds, then made a connection with Kerri with her dark eyes.
 
"We care about you, girl. You may not see it, but I can't help but feel responsible for you. You know, I do so much work with kids. I can help you, Kerri. I just know it."
 
Kerri argued in a weak voice, "I don't want.."
 
Then she thought about what Bez said earlier that afternoon. Maybe she was too hard on them, maybe they meant well, and Kerri was the one out of line.
 
But on the other hand, she remembered just how her thumb tasted in the middle of that library, and the sour humility that left an even longer aftertaste. Same with the helpless feeling that came from being in the close proximity of Candice.
 
“Come on, chica. Let us help you, there’s nothing to lose and everything to gain. I care about you.”
 
"Aww!" Candice squealed. "You're so sweet, Ana."
 
The smol girl didn’t agree on the level of sweetness. Her kindness dripped like honey, it was thick and creepy, and settled at the bottom of Kerri’s stomach - taking away her appetite. Was this niceness too nice, or too much like ‘bad art’?
 
Ana talked low, “You’re still not sure, are you?
 
“No, I’m not,” replied Kerri. “I mean just this week, Candice…”
 
“Made you suck your thumb in the library?” Ana interrupted.
 
Kerri froze.
 
How did she know about that? Did it spread all over campus like a viral video about cats? She didn’t know what to say next, her mouth just hung open, and a dull ‘uhhhh’ sound trickled out.
 
“It’s okay, Kerri.” Candice chimed in. “I told her about it. I didn’t feel right, you know.”
 
“Yeah,” Ana said in agreement. “We’ve already discussed what happened, and I’m pretty sure Candice has something she wants to say to you. Don’t you, Candice?”
 
Kerri turned in her seat to the blonde roomie, surely Candice wouldn’t actually apologize. The tall Texan seemed like the type to only say ‘sorry, not sorry’ or once again blame Kerri. More than a little bit of Kerri blamed herself, as well. There was enough blame to go around for everyone at this table to ask for ‘seconds’ and still leave with a doggie bag.
 
“I’m sorry that happened,” Candice said in a surprisingly clear and concise manner. “I was just trying to help. You know how ‘over-zealoutrous’ I get. I’m all intense, and I forget that not everyone is like that. Especially you.”
 
Wow. Kerri felt floored by that apology. And in a good way. Candice actually looked like she felt bad. Not bad about making up the word ‘overzealoutrous’, but Kerri had to take what she could get.

“Um. I accept your apology, Candice."
 
"You see, Candice." Ana turned to the Texan. "I told you she would forgive you."
 
Candice didn't appear to be too concerned with forgiveness, taking another cow-sized chomp of the greens on her plate. Kerri shuddered from the sound of her chewing, her grinding teeth was grinding on Kerri. And in the worst ways.
 
"That being said, I don't think things are even-Steven,” Ana said playfully, she had a hard time keeping that bright smile under control. “Do you, Kerri? I mean, do you think it's fair that she embarrassed you in public, and you didn't get to embarrass her?"
 
Candice stopped mid-chew. Her eyes wider than Kerri's.
 
"What does that mean?" asked Kerri.
 
"I mean, what kind of bird lives in Texas, has skinny legs, and likes to run around?" Ana broke into a giggle. "I'll give you a hint, it likes to say 'meep-meep'."

Kerri took a second to catch on, but when she did, a smile broke out on her face as well. Not the warm good feeling like fresh cookies, like with Bez. A different kind of mischevious thing, like a little imp that was up to no good.

She answered, "A roadrunner."
 
"Candice, you heard the girl. Go act like a roadrunner, chica. I want you to 'meep-meep' around the cafeteria. And watch out for coyotes.”
 
"Really?" Candice said as she got up from the table. "You want me to run around and flap my arms like this?"
 
Candice had a fun, but serious look, about her as she formed a pair of chicken wings at her side, with her bent elbows and hands tucked at her chest.
 
"And I'm supposed to say: 'Meep-meep!'"

And she did, very loudly. Too loud to just stay at their table. All of the other tables were looking at theirs, and Kerri wanted to crawl into a hole. 

If this was Ana’s idea of revenge, Candice didn’t get the memo. In a flash, she took off - flapping her wings while running around the cafeteria. She spent the next few minutes going table to table, ‘meeping’ to her heart’s content. All to raucous laughter.

Ana and Kerri remained seated, watching their ridiculous roomie act even more ridiculous than usual. Things felt alright again; like that feeling in the hallway on the first day of school.

There were important decisions to be made, changes that had to happen. Maybe the first change required was a change of heart from Kerri.

Kerri turned to Ana. “I’d like your help, Ana. It’s just so hard for me…”

Ana quickly shushed her as the two watched the ongoing road-running chaos.

“I know, Kerri. I know. I’ll make sure we get you set straight. I promise.”

Kerri beamed. “Thanks, Ana.”

“De nada, chica. I just want you to promise me that you’ll keep trying. If you keep trying, I’ll keep trying. There’s no giving up, we’re going to see this through. Promise me that.”

Kerri hesitated for a moment, taking the time to push down the sudden unease that came out of nowhere. It felt like she was giving away the keys to her life.

“I’ll see it through, I promise.”

[kerry]

1 hour ago, direking said:

Kerri hesitated for a moment, taking the time to push down the sudden unease that came out of nowhere.

Yup. Not sure you should push that down, girl.

[ItsYourBoi]

Like from a normal viewpoint, it seems like this girl needs to let go of whatever inner demons she has and just focus on the now. But, knowing what is probably in store, this is probably not the way to go.

Also great story. I really liked without merit, although i am not a huge fan of mindcontrol and some kinds of the supernatural. Also, i just realized that the psychological element is also in without merit.

[direking]

On 6/18/2022 at 1:19 PM, kerry said:

Yup. Not sure you should push that down, girl.

Yeah, Kerri isn’t the best at making judgment calls. Let’s see how that works out for her in the end.

On 6/18/2022 at 5:14 PM, ItsYourBoi said:

Like from a normal viewpoint, it seems like this girl needs to let go of whatever inner demons she has and just focus on the now. But, knowing what is probably in store, this is probably not the way to go.

Also great story. I really liked without merit, although i am not a huge fan of mindcontrol and some kinds of the supernatural. Also, i just realized that the psychological element is also in without merit.

Don’t worry, you’re not alone with your feelings on the supernatural in Without Merit.

As far as this story goes, I’m aiming for  a ‘what happens when kindness goes too far and turns into something else’ kind of thing. The reason for the conversation with Bez in this slow-moving chapter.

Kerri can’t handle college the way she is, with baggage, wandering mind, and lack of focus. That’s why her ‘nice’ roommates put themselves in a position to help - which also puts them in a position of power over her.

I don’t want to give too much more away. Except I appreciate everyone’s patience with this slower story. Fun stuff is coming soon.

The next chapter is 99% done, and it’s called ‘Diaper Bag’ for a reason.

Thanks for the kind comments.

[Bel George]

On 6/26/2022 at 6:08 AM, direking said:

The next chapter is 99% done, and it’s called ‘Diaper Bag’ for a reason.

I'm looking forward to that.  

I really enjoy this story so far.

[direking]

2 hours ago, Bel George said:

I'm looking forward to that.  

I really enjoy this story so far.

I'm glad you like it.

Thanks for reading.

.....

5 Diaper Bag
 
“Quit slacking, Kerri!”
 
Candice called out from at least twenty feet ahead on the worn path through the forest. Project Kerri was off to a bang, an early morning physical training session. Hurray.
 
Kerri took the insult in stride, literally — picking up the pace as her legs screamed, and her lungs felt like they were about to pop.
 
It helped to let her senses free while she ran, finding comfort in the soft 'shish-shush' of shoes on wet leaves, and the popping sound of shoe laces against the sides of her sneakers.
 
The jogging trail took them through a wooded park on the other side of campus, and the canopy of trees trapped the stifling humidity only to add to their suffering.
 
Kerri was sure her frizzy hair looked wonderful, the same with her sweaty face. Her muscles made their displeasure known, from her feet to her hips, and somehow her back was hurting. Kerri was weird, even physiologically.
 
“You can do better than this,” yelled Candice from even further away. “Push through that doubt, and the pain, it’s what’s holding you back.”
 
As Kerri pumped her arms and legs, her wandering mind sprinted alongside, making mini games out of the experience while popping strange ideas into her head.
 
A smattering of prickly bushes lined the dirt path, the perfect spot to hide a lanky body.
 
They had alligators in Louisiana, they’d probably like a bit of Texas BBQ. Then again, Candice didn’t exactly have a lot of meat on the bone, and the alligators would have to add a snack-sized Kerri to their breakfast.
 
Sheesh. That was a dark thought.

She did catch up to Candice, her make-do personal trainer waited for her in a small clearing. Unable to do anything other than double over, Kerri looked over the space with her smol hands on her smol knees, and her smol lungs trying to take in big breaths. There was an old bench and a wooden trashcan, but no alligators.
 
Candice appeared unfazed by their workout, she was just getting started, bending her leg behind her back in another stretch.
 
“You did pretty good, Kerri. Now I’m going to run another lap at my own pace. You can wait right here. Don’t wander off.”
 
Candice didn’t need to say it twice. Kerri wasn’t planning on moving her body for anything, except to the old park bench that was a few feet away.
 
In a short time, Candice passed again, this time coming to a stop next to Kerri on the bench.
 
Long distance running suited Candice, similar to how coloring suited Kerri.
 
The taller girl had a graceful nature, her short shorts showed off her toned legs, and a thin sheen of sweat made her skin glow. There was a cheerfulness that she normally didn’t associate with Candice - who Kerri chalked up as being hyper competitive, or a girl who just enjoyed winning. Maybe this was what winning looks like.
 
Kerri knew she didn’t look at all like Candice, as she watched her athletic roomie bend and stretch. The smaller girl didn’t need a mirror to see that she was a sunburned troll-doll on a bad hair day. The red face ran in her family, but the poof-hair was a recessive gene that had somehow landed on her parent’s only child.
 
“Are you ready to head back to the dorm?” asked Candice, when she was done being a pretzel. “You have to quickly shower, then get dressed, then head to math.”
 
Math. Why math?
 
“I’m ready for it all to end,” Kerri groaned as she flattened herself against the tired wood planks. “Do you think being eaten alive by a gator would hurt if they ate you headfirst?”
 
All she got as a response was a strange look accompanied by a ‘what?’ as Candice glided down onto the park bench next to her. Kerri knew she was trying hard to work with her, but working with Kerri was as frustrating as working with a broken crayon.
 
“You’re making yourself better, Kerri. I have a lot of respect for that, so be proud of yourself for once. Everyone else chose to stay in bed while you were out here running your little tail off.”
 
Kerri shot her a sideways glance. “Can I stay in bed next time?”
 
“No, you can’t,” Candice chastised her with the kindness of a camp counselor. “And as your personal trainer and math tutor - I don’t like to hear that. Make sure you drink plenty of water and replenish lost electrolytes when we get back to the dorm.”
 
….
 
The trip from elevator to dorm room was like walking in a suit of armor. Ouch. Step. Ouch. Step.
 
“Make sure you mark it down on your chart,” Candice said from behind her. “Otherwise, it won’t count.”
 
The chart, the chart. There was no way that Kerri was going to forget about the chart. It was the only reason she agreed to the torture by exercise in the first place.
 
The Project Kerri chart was fastened onto the wall next to her bed. It had the look of a paper calendar with the ideals of a to-do list. They’d already labeled daily goals and tasks in Kindergarten teacher script. Things like brushing teeth and getting dressed, or healthy eating and working out, mostly study times and grade improvement strategies. A lot of self care crap that she knew she needed, but she didn’t want to bother with on a daily basis.
 
Completed goals were to get stickers, or smile-faces, and there were supposed to be positive rewards involved. Kerri didn’t know them because Kerri didn’t exactly pay attention. There were also mentions of negative consequences, and those she did know.
 
However, she had to give credit where credit was due. The other two girls had put their hearts into this Project Kerri thingy, and it made her want to please them for some reason, even more than usual.
 
Still, she had to keep up appearances.
 
Kerri was about to say something sassy as she walked into the room, but the bag on the coffee table took the words from her mouth.
 
There it was, just out in the open.
 
The diaper bag.
 
At first glance, it was the run of the mill diaper bag. Navy colored with baby blue pastel accents, thick in the middle, with a long strap to throw over the shoulder. The larger pockets had white pinstripes, and on its side was an oversized teddy bear with creepy black buttons as soulless eyes.
 
Kerri froze.
 
Candice collided with Kerri in the doorway, her sudden stop turned their entrance into a clown show.
 
“Watch it, Kerri!” Candice groaned. “Why are you hogging the door?”
 
No answer.
 
Only diaper bag.
 
Candice circled around in front of Kerri.
 
“Kerri, you need to hurry up and shower, you’re already behind schedule for your 8 am. Seriously, what’s got you all in statue mode?”
 
The taller girl followed Kerri’s fixed gaze to the diaper bag on the coffee table. She was unable to put two and two together, a smarter girl would know that the diaper bag had Kerri paralyzed with fear.
 
Kerri stammered, “Wha- What’s that?”
 
“A diaper bag,” answered Ana.
 
The Puerto Rican girl appeared from around her desk. Her big monitor stood as a partition of sorts. Kerri couldn’t see Ana when she was at her computer, and that was probably its purpose.
 
For some reason, Kerri was surprised to see Ana, even if she did live there. Ana wore her typical hoodie and pj pants, and a patented tingle smile. Her smol heart beat faster as Ana positioned herself next to the diaper bag with a twinkle in her eye.
 
Kerri asked, “What’s inside?”
 
“Everything a diaper bag needs,” Ana said matter-of-factly.
 
The smallest roommate shot straight to the point. “Who’s it for?”
 
Candice answered this time. “Who do you think, Kerri?”
 
Not Kerri. Not Kerri. They didn’t know about what happened back home. Did they?
 
“I just…” — then she stopped. ‘Kerri, baby’
 
Ana giggled. “O-M-G, chica! Did you think this was for you?”
 
No. Yes. Maybe. There was no good answer. Kerri didn’t think it was for her; but then again, things went awfully weird around the smol girl. Weird baggage things. This time, diaper baggage things.
 
“That’s hilarious, Kerri.” Candice guffawed, she expertly played the part of a crony. “Yeah, after you go to class it’ll be time to change your diaper.”
 
“I know,” Ana added to the joke. “Let’s add a potty chart to Project Kerri!”
 
Candice laughed. “It’s for those Anderson brats that Ana sits - Duh.”
 
Kerri ignored the provocations. “Why is it here?”
 
“Why does it bother you?” Candice immediately shot back.
 
Ana eyed her smaller roommate from her side of the coffee table, cautiously checking for a response to stimuli. She snuck a curious hand to the teddy bear bag, wrapping careful fingers around a Velcro clasp.
 
Then she slowly opened it — while watching Kerri’s every reaction to the sound of ripping Velcro.
 
And Kerri didn’t disappoint.
 
The third roommate shuddered where she stood; with tight, tiny fists clenched at her side. Suddenly, her muscles hurt less and her mind hurt more. A dull foreboding, like a pencil-shadow forming behind a galloping horse. The ripping sound went deep, and down, and inside of her until she dreaded hearing it come to a stop; because now a pocket was open, and she wondered what was inside.
 
“Kerri, you’ve got to hurry…” Candice stopped mid-sentence when she caught the ‘goings on’.
 
Kerri couldn’t stop her physical reactions, this was going to happen - the prodding, the teasing. Hopefully, it wouldn’t deteriorate into anything worse.
 
“This is where I keep their bottles,” Ana purred as she pulled a long narrow baby bottle from the side pocket. “Even if they typically drink from sippy cups - I’m thinking of changing things up a bit.”
 
She then tapped the plastic bottle with her finger tips, a hollow tingling sound like rain on Tupperware.
 
Candice blurted out, “Those are some big bottles.”
 
“Yeah,” Ana agreed. “If you think that’s big, you should see the size of their diapers.”
 
Kerri cringed again. Her smol body curled and tightened to the oncoming damage, like a boxer who’d taken too many hits, too tired to raise the gloves in defense.
 
“Can I see them?” Candice asked, enthralled. “I think diapers can be cute, when they’re clean smelling.”
 
Ana seemed to take note of her clarification with a slight nod.
 
“Diapers are cute, when they’re clean smelling, but very useful when they’re not.”
 
Ana dug through the middle section of the diaper bag, wrapping a hand around a large pull up. Her dark eyes remained on Kerri as she overtly squeezed the disposable underwear, eliciting a slight crinkling noise.
 
Was she triggering Kerri on purpose? Unfortunately, Kerri couldn’t tell. She was too busy trying to reboot from the crash caused by an inert diaper bag.
 
“Toss me a pamper!” Candice said as she opened her hands.
 
Ana tossed her a ‘pamper’, and Candice snagged the flying pull up out of the air, before she played with it for a few long seconds. The pull up was cute, and perfect for little boys. Baby blue with superheroes on the crotch and bottom, drawn in stylish cartoon fashion.

Candice was more than amused by the pull up.
 
“It’s soft and stretchy. Here, Kerri, you hold it.”
 
The smol girl backed away. “No, I’m fine.”
 
Everyone in the room knew that she wasn’t fine, but only two didn’t know the reason why.
 
Candice shrugged. “Okay, suit yourself.”
 
“Those are their pull ups - pretty cute, huh?” Ana continued. “You guys want to see the real deal?”
 
“Yeah, let’s see them diapers,” replied Candice.
 
Kerri didn’t have an answer.
 
“They’re a Dinosaurs diaper family!” Ana announced as she held the diaper aloft. “Actually the Dino diaps are mine, they’re more of an environmentally conscious family, but their diapers didn’t look babyish enough for what I’m planning.”
 
Kerri stared at the raised diaper.
 
Thicker and whiter than the boy’s super hero trainer, the diaper had an eye-catching green stripe across the front. Dozens of baby dinosaurs crawled along the stripe, a cutting highway through the white diaper. These were baby diapers; for babies, not four year olds. Ana had to have known this when she picked them out.
 
Kerri didn’t want to say anything, but her wandering mind steered her straight towards the oncoming iceberg.
 
“What are you planning to do to them? —The, um, the Anderson twins?”
 
“Funny you should ask, Kerri.”

Ana examined the folded disposable like tradesman with their tools.

“The problem is that we haven’t hammered home the fact that diapers are for babies. I can say it until I’m blue in the face, but until I show them, it’s not going to put a fire under their pasty white bottoms. Aiden and Jayden are four year olds, it’s time to act like big boys.”
 
“Aiden and Jayden?” asked Candice.
 
Ana smirked. “Yeah…”
 
Candice looked suddenly in tune with the flow of the room. She picked at the pull up in her hands, her eyes narrow and her brow tight, just like when she was running.
 
She asked, “How exactly are you going to ‘put a fire under their bottom’?”
 
“I’m taking them to the park today,” Ana slyly answered with a mischievous grin. “And if there are accidents, which I expect there will be, I’m changing them at the park. In the open, where everyone can see. I need them to be embarrassed, not coddled, not cute. I want their sweet cheeks to burn, girl.”
 
No. This wasn’t right. This was bullying stuff. A litmus test that was absolutely sour. Kerri suddenly felt mad about these kids she’d never met, and she struggled with a desperate need to defend them.
 
At the same time, the new attitude was also very unlike Ana, and her tingling smile was something more chilling - almost sinister - and Kerri didn’t want to see it anymore.
 
Kerri challenged, “Is that research based?”
 
“No, it’s Ana-based,” snapped the professional babysitter.
 
Ana seemed to welcome this kind of questioning, it hardened her resolve. She crossed her arms against the comfy hoodie, which somehow made her shoulders broad.
 
“My standards are always much better, in my opinion. They haven’t failed me yet, and they aren’t going to fail the Andersons either. They’ve either got to grow up and get with the program, or they’re going to be treated like babies.”
 
“Yeah, I get it.” Candice nodded along. “It’s one of those ‘endings justify the beginnings’ kind of things.”
 
Ana laughed way too loud.
 
“Do you mean the ‘ends justify the means’? You’re a funny girl, Candice.”
 
“Well, I don’t think that it’s funny at all,” Kerri cut into the conversation like a chainsaw. “I think it’s mean, and cruel and… and..”
 
“And Effective.”
 
Ana finished her words, but not in the same way Kerri would have. There was a coldness that just seeped from her roommate, the kind that normally left vapor trails in the Louisiana heat.
 
“Listen, Kerri.” Ana collected herself beside the diaper bag. “Sometimes to get from ‘where we are’ to ‘where we need to be’ requires sacrifice.”
 
“That’s right,” Candice butted in. “Just like with exercise, sore muscles and getting the weakness out.”
 
“Exactly, Candice.” Ana appreciated the support of her jock roommate. “I know it sounds cruel, but this will force them to grow. Don’t you think it’s worse making them wallow in poopy-pants? Delaying their development? What about having long term potty problems through kindergarten? Or wetting the bed?”
 
Kerri took a big gulp, almost choking on the cold air.
 
Ana continued to make her point.
 
“I certainly didn’t make them this way, and I’m sparing the twins from an even worse situation as they grow older. Honestly, I blame suburban moms who over-coddle and helicopter. So you have to understand that I’ve been called in to solve a problem that I didn’t create. Maybe if someone did the same for you…”
 
Ana suddenly stopped herself, her hand went to cover her mouth as her niceness trespassed into something else: bad art.
 
“What are you trying to say?” Kerri adjusted her sweat-wet shirt against her chest. It felt so cold.
 
Ana and Kerri stared into each other; this was turning into something about Kerri and not the diaper bag. The silence came quick and sudden, but hung around long enough for the awkwardness to soak up the moment.
 
Candice stepped between them, playing the part of an over-excited peacekeeper. She tugged at the smaller girl’s shoulder, but Kerri didn’t budge.
 
“Come on, Kerri. You’re going to be late for class if we keep talking.”
 
“She’s right, chica,” Ana said as she checked the time on her phone. “You go hurry up and shower, I’ll put together a cute outfit for you.”
 
“I can dress myself,” protested Kerri.
 
She didn’t like the idea of Ana touching her clothes, or her underwear - especially after touching a diaper.
 
“I’m not saying that you can’t,” answered Ana. “I’m just trying to save some time. What’s your problem, chica?”
 
“It’s just…” Kerri faded as she reflected on what just happened. It was pointless to argue.
 
Without another word, Candice handed her the only pair of towels that she owned. Kerri yanked them free from her roommate, then grabbed her basket of shampoo and body wash, then slipped on her slippers. Her smol feet did not touch the nasty shower floor of the shared bathroom down the hall.
 
Before leaving the room, Kerri hesitated in the doorway.
 
The other two roomies stood silently by the diaper bag, and they eyed the smol girl in a strange way. At least, that’s how Kerri felt.
 
And she felt it long after getting into the shower, and while she soaped up and let the shampoo settle, also while she dried off from head to toe. It bothered her as she listened to the slip-slap of wet shower slippers as she marched back to her room wrapped like a tiny mummy.

They would be waiting for her - with a diaper, or - or, they’d hide one in her clothes.
 
The room felt colder to Kerri when she came back from her shower. She peeked around the door for an oncoming ambush, but nothing seemed off or wrong.
 
The diaper bag still sat innocently on the coffee table.
 
Kerri tried to ignore it, as she ignored Ana at her computer, and Candice making her own way to a morning shower. She tightened the towel around her chest before she opened the built-in closet on her side of the room.
 
Then stopped.
 
A message was written on the inward face of the wooden closet door. Clear as day, just like before, in sharpie and all caps:
 
‘Kerri Baby poops her diapers’
 
Kerri gasped and took a step back, trying to stop the locomotive of bad thoughts that threw her reality off track.

This wasn’t real. A hallucination belonging to a wandering mind. No. A memory making itself present as a warning of sorts, a premonition. Or something else. Evidence of a mental breakdown.
 
This was the same thing she saw on the inside of her locker back in junior high. Behind her would be three girls — no — four, or five, or six laughing faces. It grew in number and cruelty every time she remembered the moment. Which was less and less as the years went by; the passing of time turned into emotional padding, transforming the memory to something dream-like, but full of shadows and dark thoughts.
 
“Kerri, are you forgetting something?”
 
It took a moment to pull Kerri from her thoughts. Her jaw was still trembling as she turned to see Ana at the side of her bed, with an outfit neatly laid out. A tingling smile, a soft face, an outstretched hand.
 
“You already have clothes over here, nina. What are we going to do with your lack of focus?”
 
“I’m sorry - bad habit.”
 
She feigned a smile, so did Ana.
 
“That’s okay,” Ana started to apologize, “I’m sorry if I said anything wrong.”
 
Kerri cut her off. “No, it’s fine.”
 
Ana asked, “You sure?”
 
Kerri didn’t give a verbal reply, she only nodded and softly closed the door to the closet. She didn’t have to look again to know there was no writing there.
 
The sharpie had been scrubbed away years ago, amidst burning tears of shame, and much worse. Someone had called for a teacher, then someone called her mom. Then they talked and talked, and everything was supposed to be alright - even when it wasn’t.
 
The school counselor told Kerri not to let it bother her. That it was all in her head.
 
The expensive price of a wandering mind, what was real, or inferred, all mumbled and jumbled, and messed around. That’s the hard part about being a girl like Kerri, navigating emotions with a broken compass. It was hard to trust her own judgment, that’s why she depended on others, the same reason why she always felt vulnerable - was this all a matter of her eccentricity?

The writing on the inside of a junior high locker? Real.
 
The same message on the inside of her closet? Imagined.
 
Just like shadow creatures. Or evil intentions hidden within the niceness of roommates.

[Kaleros]

Things are getting interesting. I wonder what will happen with "Project Kerri" going forward?

[kerry]

8 hours ago, direking said:

“Are you ready to head back to the dorm?” asked Candice, when she was done being a pretzel.

I love little throwaways like this. ?

[LilSissyLynn]

Took me a bit to get in to this one, largely because its doing such a great job of conveying emotions that my impatient little brains all in a rush. But now I'm like 100% in! Lol

[direking]

On 6/27/2022 at 3:57 PM, Kaleros said:

Things are getting interesting. I wonder what will happen with "Project Kerri" going forward?

Probably things that are said to be done in her best interest, but we all know better.

On 6/27/2022 at 4:33 PM, kerry said:

I love little throwaways like this. ?

One of the reasons I wanted Kerri to think silly and quirky was so that I could write silly and quirky.

On 6/28/2022 at 9:01 PM, LilSissyLynn said:

Took me a bit to get in to this one, largely because its doing such a great job of conveying emotions that my impatient little brains all in a rush. But now I'm like 100% in! Lol

I agree that this story can be a little long-winded and slow moving. It's aiming at a slow-burn, realistic gradual regression, and those take time to set up. Now that we know a little about how all three girls operate, it'll begin move in the right directions.

Thanks for sticking with it, and I'm glad you like it. 

Thanks for reading.

<Edited for clarifying plot point>

....

6 Horny Magic
 
“This is the most important part of the show!"
 
Kerri paused the television with the remote, leaving her spot from the couch to get closer to the screen. It'd been about the twentieth time she'd done this, but Ana had to learn about Princess Ponies in one way or another.

“The trouble all started when the evil moon queen cursed the ponies of the five kingdoms with specific character flaws that they would each have to overcome.”
 
“Mmm-hmm. That sounds rough, nina. So what’s Princess Clarabelle’s curse?”
 
Ana didn’t actually care about Princess Ponies, but she did a good job pretending to play along. Knowing this fact didn’t stop Kerri from talking her head off.

Taking this time to ‘connect’ was all a part of Project Kerri.
 
The 'process' and chart had been somewhat successful over the past two weeks. Kerri was initially wary of their rigid rules and tight schedule, but everything was getting better: her grades, her mood, even her relationship with the other two girls.

However, all of these good things came at a cost.
 
They were 'babying' her without saying it, and it took everything she had to pretend otherwise. Ana picked out her clothes, reminded her to brush her teeth and take showers. The Latina worked her almost daily about staying 'in-touch' with her parents, who had been sending weekly texts to 'check in' on Kerri. She didn't like ignoring them, but she found so many excuses not to reply, justifications for her leaving them 'on read'. Ana didn't like that Kerri did this, but it was her parents, not Ana's.

At the same time, Candice was on top of her every moment, making sure she did her homework, and had a strange obsession with Kerri staying hydrated. It was weird, but Kerri could hardly argue with the results, even if it set her on edge every now and again.
 
“Well… Princess Clarabelle suffers from the 'Darkside of Venus' curse. She’s forced to be shy, worrisome, and unsure of herself. Which is ridiculous, if you ask me —”
 
“Sounds like someone else I know,” observed Ana, who had a way of making a message sink home with her dark eyes.
 
Kerri ignored the obvious attempt to turn the conversation into something about Kerri, and not Princess Clarabelle, or the other four Princess Ponies. She had very good reason to do so, because they WERE talking about Princess Clarabelle.
 
“No, Ana. Quit interrupting. Where was I? Oh. It’s ridiculous because she has a magic horn that can shoot friggin lasers, lift heavy rocks, and make people like her more. A real bonus to the power of making new friends, and to do it all so easily.”
 
Ana cracked a smile. “Horny magic, huh?”
 
“Yep. Horny magic.” Kerri nodded her head like she said something profound.
 
Then she caught the joke. Which was too adult for a children’s show, but her opinion didn’t matter much to Ana, who was already in a giggling heap on the floor.
 
Now that she thought of it, ‘horny magic’ was kinda funny. Kerri gently smiled as Ana rolled around, over-enjoying her unique and dirty sense of humor.
 
“Wait a sec,” Ana said when she finally caught her breath. “I’ve got to tell Candice about ‘horny magic’.”
 
Why did Kerri suddenly feel so jealous?
 
It was totally normal for roommates to text one another, except no one texted Kerri. Absolutely no one.
 
Kerri asked, “Do you guys text each other often?”
 
“What?” Ana didn’t even lift her head from her phone. “I mean, when we’re out and about. What are you getting at Kerri? You’re wearing that sad puppy face again. Do we need to talk it out?”
 
Kerri hung her head. It felt like a good time to spell out her anxieties.
 
“Sometimes I feel like I’m being left out.”
 
“That’s ridiculous!” Ana made a strange face. “Almost as ridiculous as horny magic. Listen, Kerri, I don’t know much about Princess Ponies; and after watching three episodes back to back, I’m more confused now than I was before we started watching.”
 
“Sorry about that,” Kerri winced a little as she apologized. “I knew I should have let you watch them in chronological order.”
 
“No, chica, you’re getting it all wrong." Ana shook her head, making her long charcoal hair extra wavy. "I may not care too much about Princess Ponies, kingdom curses, or moon witches. But I do care about Kerri. You have literally said more to me during these three episodes than you have for the past three weeks. I love how excited you are to share this with me. That’s real, Kerri.”
 
The blush came quick and warm, like a perfect hug in a movie. Kerri didn’t know what to say, because she knew she should say something nice back to Ana. That’s what a normal person would do, but Kerri struggled with normal the same way her mom struggled with perpetual diets.
 
It felt good to get this interaction with Ana. This one on one time was perfect. Candice had been spending more of her afternoons and evenings out of the dorm room, and both Ana and Kerri knew the reason why: his name was Mike.
 
For the past week, Candice seemed to always be out ‘personal training with Mike’. Air quotes were already being used by the two remaining single roommates. Why else would Candice make herself pretty before ‘heading to the gym’?
 
“Anyways,” Ana said as she put aside her phone. “I’ve got to head to the little girl’s room. Hopefully, I don’t run into Miss Spikes, wish me luck.”
 
Kerri giggled at her roomies’ funny salute and made herself more comfortable after Ana left the room.
 
The brown couch caressed her the way only an old sofa could, with soft yielding pillows at her neck and shoulders, and a hard wooden bar sticking painfully into her lower back.
 
There weren’t many times when she was alone in the dorm. This was a rarity. She had no idea what to do with herself. Her wandering mind flew about the empty room, searching for any kind of stimulation.
 
The wrong kind of stimulation came from the teddy bear diaper bag that sat alone among Ana’s things. Her third of the room was the most disorganized, not exactly clean and not exactly dirty. Just busy.
 
It felt better not to look at the bag, like it would go away as soon as it was out of sight, but it stubbornly stuck around like an anxiety inducing splinter.
 
She snapped her head away from the baggage, clicking her tongue in her mouth to remove the taste.
 
What to do? What to do?
 
Kerri’s eyes settled on the couch cushion to her right.
 
Ana’s phone sat innocently next to her, still unlocked from the text she shot to Candice. It was within arm’s reach, she could pick it up and… spy? No, she wouldn’t betray Ana’s trust so easily. Would she?
 
The phone became impossible to ignore, and Kerri tried to redirect her attention, but her wandering mind remained focused on what Ana left behind: a key to a door to her roomie’s inner thoughts.
 
Why did she want to look so much? Why was it so enticing?
 
A battle broke out against what was proper and her inquisitive nature. Her tiny fingers drummed along the edge of the stained armrest. She tried to think of something, anything, other than that abandoned phone. This quick obsession took over all her faculties, it grew in size and importance in her head until she needed it to live.
 
Then it buzzed, and the screen came to life.
 
A text.
 
From Candice.
 
Kerri was now helpless to her need to see, so she lifted the phone from the cushion and stared at the screen.
 
‘That sounds so much like our lil K. I’m sorry you had to sit thru so much Princess Ponies.’
 
Her roomie ended it with a tongue-face emoji. Har-har and Yee-haw.
 
Oh, great. Now the truth was out. It didn’t take a genius to see that Ana complained to Candice about watching Princess Ponies. That whole talk about spending time with Kerri, and all of that jazz, a lie as big as the brown girl’s tingling smile.
 
Hot air caught in her lungs as anger prodded her from the inside.
 
What else were her roommates saying about her when they thought she wouldn’t find out? Obviously, this was not the first time they’d mentioned Kerri in text. Well, she had the means to find out in her hands. This time their words were right in front of her face instead of behind her back.
 
Kerri returned to the phone without any hesitation, using her finger to swipe to other messages Ana had been sending with malicious intent. She'd find out what they really thought about Kerri, good or bad.
 
Then she paused when she immediately recognized a number. Oh no.
 
It was dad’s phone number.
 
Even worse, there was a message from him to Ana just yesterday. Was she talking to Kerri's dad without Kerri knowing? Was that why she always bothered Kerri about talking to them?
 
No. No. No.
 
Too much.
 
It was a bad idea to look, but now that she knew about it, she totally needed to see that text. Privacy only belonged to people who weren’t gossiping or keeping secrets, and if she already read one message, what was wrong with reading another?
 
Kerri pressed her finger to the message.
 
Then she read it.
 
‘Dear Ana’
 
‘Thanks for looking out for our Kerri.’
 
‘We were concerned about how she’d be able to handle so many new things in a new place. It gives us peace of mind to know you’re there for her. You’re so helpful. Once again, thank you.’
 
Her dad wrote so professionally in text, a tell-tale sign of his generation. He made sure to use perfect punctuation, applying his fatherly sensibilities with a simple message. She could almost hear his kind voice as she read the words.
 
But his words hurt.
 
The part of her that missed home blossomed inside, a weird feeling because she’d been itching to escape for years.
 
The distant memories of home weren't what hurt the most.
 
There was a new issue that she would have to come to terms with: her parents had conscripted Ana to be her babysitter, just without naming it that. There was no reason for them to maintain contact, no matter how many times she ignored their messages, or 'check-ins'. This was a breach of trust, a violation from both parties. At the same time, this was her fault for not being forthcoming about what was really going on in college.
 
Kerri angrily wondered if they paid the full thirty bucks an hour.

As that awful thought steamed through her, Kerri gripped the phone tighter and tighter — until the door to the room opened.
 
It was already too late, Kerri stared at the burning hot potato of badness in her smol hands. Without thinking, she tossed the phone onto the coffee table, where it clattered and slid to a spot next to a tattered magazine.
 
Smooth, Kerri. Super smooth.
 
Ana saw the entire ‘phone-throw’ from the doorway. She marched across the room as Kerri cowered into a couch corner.
 
“What were you doing with my phone, chica?”
 
“Nothing. I mean, I didn’t even touch it.”
 
“No, you totally touched it." Ana waved the phone in her face as Exhibit A. "I caught you trying to throw it across the room.”
 
Kerri stuttered, “I… I…”
 
“Yes, Kerri.” Ana pointed an accusatory finger. “You… You…”
 
Kerri needed a ‘smoke screen’, and in a big way. A distraction to stop Ana from tearing her from limb to limb. She didn’t like seeing a friendly face get so tight and angry, it was keeping her from conjuring up a believable lie.
 
Needless to say, Kerri was an awful liar.
 
“It started buzzing from a message, and I was trying to stop it. That’s why I had it in my hand. Then you scared me when you opened up the door."
 
Kerri waited a moment before adding a sheepish, “I’m sorry.”
 
Ana didn’t seem bothered by her lie, or care for the apology that followed.
 
“Yeah, whatever.”
 
Ana let out a long sigh as she assessed the phone from every angle, when she found it undamaged, she stashed it safely in the belly pocket of her gray hoodie sweatshirt.
 
Then Ana asked, "When's the last time you called your parents?"
 
Kerri shifted in her spot as she considered the secret back and forth between Ana and her dad. She knew it was bad to lie about something as simple as a phone call; but then again, they were the ones somewhat ‘lying’ by cahoot-ing in the first place.
 
Cahoots! That was it. Absolute cahoots.
 
There was no other way to explain the relationship that shouldn't exist between college roommates and their moms and dads. How was she supposed to move on from home with her watchful parents breathing down her neck?
 
It was just so aggravating, and it made her want to aggravate back in retaliation.
 
So she lied.  "Earlier today."
 
“Is that so?” answered Ana. Unconvinced for sure.
 
Kerri didn’t like lying, and not just because she was bad at bending the truth. Lying made her feel icky inside.
 
“I’m having a hard time believing that, Kerri. Are you sure?”
 
Kerri took a moment to think about what she was doing.
 
A particularly curly strand of hair captured her wily attention. She anxiously stretched it out with a pair of fingers to hide from her uncomfortable lie. Her eyes were all over the place, looking at the tiled floor and the popcorn ceiling before settling on Princess Clarabelle who sat prominently on her bed, but even her stuffie was in a judgemental mood today.
 
Kerri licked her lips. “Yeah, sure.”
 
"Uh-huh." Ana pulled her phone right back out of her pocket like a switchblade. "If I call your mom and dad right now, what do you think they'd say?"
 
“I don’t know,” Kerri answered with a shrug.
 
“Yeah, you do.”
 
“How do you know?” replied Kerri, making sure she sounded extra catty. “Are you a mind reader, Ana?”
 
Ana muttered a string of Spanish curses that didn’t need any translation.
 
“Are you really trying to play me this way, Kerri? Seriously? Even after all the things I do to help you, you’re still going to act like a stubborn child.”
 
Kerri screamed, “Take that back!”
 
“What?” Ana taunted the smaller girl, moving into her personal space. “You don’t like being called a kid, do you? It hits a little too close to home, don’t it?”
 
Ana was so right.
 
Too right.
 
Too much right.
 
Too much. Too much. Too much.
 
“I don’t let the kids I watch lie, chica. That doesn’t slide at all with me. Still, kids are kids, and there are slip-ups. You know what I do with my little ones when they lie too much?”
 
Kerri shook her head, her lips were stitched into silence. She thought about the Anderson twins and very public diaper changes.
 
“Mouths that don’t tell the truth lose their privileges. So I give them something to suck on. Sometimes it’s soap. Sometimes it’s a pacifier. I’ve made a six year old keep a binky in her mouth and stand in a corner. She never lied to me again, and her parents thanked me for it.”
 
Kerri had that dark thought deep in her head now. Her wandering mind painted the scene with impeccable detail. A crying girl stood in a corner, red faced and ashamed, pacifier between her lips. She had Kerri’s face.
 
“You’re a monster!” Kerri exclaimed.
 
“No, chica. I’m good at fixing kids, and I’m going to fix you — whether you want me to or not. Now, I’m going to ask again, what would your parents say if… “
 
Kerri slammed a foot to the ground and raised her voice.
 
“My parents would say that you shouldn't be calling them because… because you're my roommate! And not… and not my babysitter!"
 
Kerri hadn’t planned on shouting, but she was hardly in control. Her tiny fists clenched in a fit of rage. Her skin burned hot. Her mind felt explosive. Her fury heard by the entire hallway, the walls were notoriously thin in her dorm.
 
She became a smol volcano of scared and angry, erupting on her roommate. The bottled up rage eclipsed everything else, including what she was going to say next. Kerri hated confrontation so much that she fell apart in the heat of every battle.
 
Ana stood steadfast, unmoved by the outburst, same with the trembling lips and reddening cheeks. The professonal babysitter was a stone wall, with a stone face, and about to lay down some stone cold truths.
 
"Honestly, I'm finding it hard to tell the difference between being your roommate and your babysitter.”
 
Ana remained calm as she approached Kerri like she was a cornered animal.
 
“I’m beginning to think that’s what you need, you are begging me to treat you like you’re a little kid.”
 
“That’s not true!” Kerri argued as tears welled.
 
“Stop raising your voice at me!” Ana clapped back. “If you want to talk to me like an adult, you do it. If you want to throw a temper tantrum, I will correct that kind of behavior the same way I do when I’m with my little ninos.”
 
Kerri gulped.
 
“Two lies, chica!” Ana held up a pair of fingers so Kerri could count her mistakes. “I’ll drop the first lie, but you’re going to pay for the second. Now what am I going to do with you?”
 
Kerri’s eyes darted towards the diaper bag, an unconscious glance at what she feared most in the room.
 
Ana caught the lingering look to at the bag, the deep-set fear, she snatched it right out of the air. She was onto Kerri, right on target, and hit the bullseye. The smol girl felt like she was an open book being read page by page.
 
“Since you want to pretend to be a little nina, I’ll punish you like one. I think you could use a little time out, it’ll give you a chance to think about your actions.”
 
Too much.
 
Ana directed, “Stand in the corner, Kerri.”
 
Kerri froze.
 
“Did you hear me, chica?” Ana raised her voice. “I told you to stand in the corner, and you’re not going to like it if you keep disobeying me.”
 
This was actually happening. Not in her imagination, or her dark thoughts. Kerri shivered as she looked for the right corner to go for ‘time out’.
 
“Just stand in YOUR corner, nina. This isn’t rocket science — or college algebra,” Ana mocked with a laugh.
 
Kerri shuffled to a spot on her side of the room, the corner with her desk, and bed, and Princess Pony collection.
 
“Come on, face the wall. You know the drill.”
 
This was not a drill. A normal, everyday thing. Like getting up in the morning, or brushing teeth, or other Project Kerri nonsense. It belonged in an altogether different category. Kerri turned and faced the wall, doing her best not to cry, but she couldn’t make herself any promises.
 
“This isn’t good enough,” Ana said from behind. "It needs something more..."
 
Kerri didn't agree, it was already too much. Shame heated her cheeks, and it felt hard to breathe.
 
“How about…” Ana lingered on her side of the room, but Kerri didn’t turn to see what she was doing - not until she heard the sound of ripping Velcro.
 
The diaper bag!
 
Kerri tensed up. “Please, don’t!”
 
“What?” Ana questioned aloud. “Is there something in this diaper bag that you’re afraid of, Kerri?”
 
“Stop it, Ana!” Kerri couldn’t keep the terror down any longer, turning away from her corner.
 
“Oh, there it is!” Ana gleefully produced a white pacifier from the bag. “I have the medicine for lying right here. A little bit of quiet time will help everyone, don't you think? A little quiet time to think on, to 'suck on'.”
 
Kerri watched Ana dangle the pacifier from her fingers, twirling it about in a threatening manner. How can a pacifier be twirled in a threatening manner? Kerri did know, it was happening in front of her face.
 
“Come on, Ana,” Kerri pleaded, “You don't have to do this...”
 
It looked like Ana disagreed. "Why not?"
 
"It won't be helping me," Kerri answered, "I've been trying so hard.. and.. you care about me, don't you?"
 
"Listen carefully, girl. I hate having to teach the same lesson more than once." Ana pointed the pacifier like a chastising finger, rubber bulb facing Kerri. "Sometimes you make it very hard — I try, too. I’m ‘trying’ now, but you're unappreciative to the point where I don't want to try anymore. You’re just not worth the hassle, chica. Sometimes, I get mad at myself for thinking that, but you need to know the truth….”

Too much. Kerri felt the room spin. The world echoed, tunnel vision began setting in.

Ana kept digging into her.
 
“Are you even listening to me, Kerri? You start zoning off every time someone gets into a serious conversation with you. Next time you mess up, I'm going to do what I'm going to do.... You got that, Kerri? Come on, girl, snap out of it."
 
Ana waited for Kerri to say something, allowing a short pause for the smaller girl to pull herself together.
 
But that wasn’t happening.
 
Kerri was falling apart.
 
It was time for the tears.
 
When the tears came, there was no stopping them. Any attempt to sniffle them back would end with big sticky boogers.
 
Emotions are powerful enough for normal kinds of people, the neurotypical types. Kerri’s feelings contained a vengeful streak that dwelled within them. Her anger was much angrier, much more out of control. Her fear was terrifying to the point of paralysis, even over the simplest of things. Small annoyances ended up becoming big problems. Day to day interactions transformed into scary situations.
 
So when she let them all out, it wasn't a pretty sight. The constant bubbling frustration that had built up over weeks of being — not feeling — BEING inadequate showed itself without care of who was there to see her insides.
 
All of that frustration turned into hot, salty tears.
 
Tears that would not be stopped.
 
But Kerri wanted to cry.
 
It felt good to let it all out - to reveal her vulnerability for even the briefest of moments. Even if she knew there were going to be consequences to the way her roomies saw her. Extra steps built into their hierarchy.
 
"It's just so, so hard,” cried Kerri, shaking uncontrollably now.
 
The smol girl expected Ana to react uncomfortably to the college student just standing and sobbing before her, but once again, Ana was a stonewall. Ana softly returned the pacifier to a pocket inside of the diaper bag, coming to Kerri in a welcoming embrace.
 
“Let it all out, Kerri. I’m here for you.”
 
“No, you’re not. You would be so much happier without me as your roommate, the same with Candice, and I’m just standing in the way of all of that...”
 
Ana shook her head. “You know that’s not true.”
 
Kerri used a hand to wipe her running nose. Yep. Big sticky boogers. “Nuh-uh.”
 
“Candice and I are going to be more helpful from her on out.” Ana cracked a heart-tingling smile. “We can be like big sisters!”
 
“You still don’t get it," Kerri said, the tears were slowing, but she felt red faced and cheeks puffy. "This happens all of the time! I want friends, not big sisters, not caretakers, not babysitters. All Candice does is boss me around, all you do is treat me like a kid. Why is it so hard to just be my friend?"
 
"I am your friend," Ana corrected, then she pulled the smaller girl into a tight hug. "You're just having a hard time figuring yourself out, so you can't blame me for being out of the loop either. Remember how we’d agreed that we would see this through? I'll keep on trying if you keep on trying, Kerri."
 
The hug did its duty, now that the argument was finished, the volcano returned to its dormant state. Kerri's erratic reasoning and sudden pain faded into the thick fabric of a heavy hoodie sweater.
 
As Kerri agreed to keep trying, without saying it, hoping that Ana meant the part where she said she'd do the same.

All the while, Ana’s eyes remained on the diaper bag, giving Kerri a pair of pats on the back, her hands trailing lower and lower until she tapped the waistline of the smaller girl's shorts with her fingers.

[kerry]

29 minutes ago, direking said:

"This happens all of the time! I want friends, not big sisters, not caretakers, not babysitters. All Candice does is boss me around, all you do is treat me like a kid. Why is it so hard to just be my friend?"

It's so nice to see Kerri spell her desires out so clearly, but her actions are in themselves an answer to her question. 

I worry that you may have crossed a line when you showed her roommates in cahoots (fun word choice there!) with her father, but it was still a good moment. I too wonder if Ana might be getting paid for her troubles. ?

 

[direking]

On 7/17/2022 at 10:05 AM, kerry said:

It's so nice to see Kerri spell her desires out so clearly, but her actions are in themselves an answer to her question. 

I worry that you may have crossed a line when you showed her roommates in cahoots (fun word choice there!) with her father, but it was still a good moment. I too wonder if Ana might be getting paid for her troubles. ?

 

That's the rub here for Kerri, her childish actions lead to childish punishments; maybe her roomies will soon get a 'thrill' from handing out those childish punishments. Sorta like a Stanford Prison experiment kind of thing.

As far as the text from her dad, that's something I came back to re-clarify with an edit. To save time from re-reading the chapter, here's the deal: Ana isn't Kerri's babysitter, and her parents hadn't really hired her. Ana is just superseding the line of communication between Kerri and her parents just like from chapter 2, where she ran a 'smoke screen' and spoke to Kerri's parents to avoid a 'wellness check' from Miss Spikes. This line of communication, and control of the message, is an important point that shows up later in the story, so it needed to be clarified.

Everything Ana does is in the 'interests' of Kerri; at least at this point. If Kerri isn't going to talk to her parents to keep them at ease, Ana will happily fill that role.

How Kerri feels about this betrayal fits into her paranoia about being treated like a child. Mostly because of her 'dark thought' past at a slumber party where she was bullied and given the full baby treatment. Kerri has a hard time figuring out what is going on behind the scenes, so she equates it to Ana being her babysitter. That's why she accuses Ana of being her babysitter and not her roommate, and Ana is like 'I have a hard time telling the difference'. Honestly, Kerri's accusation leads to Ana's desire to force their relationship into that dynamic. Ana loves that kind of power, especially if she thinks what she's doing is 'right'.

[Nika_lb]

6

[D503]

Just caught up on Chapter 6 - excellent stuff. Ana's conviction that she's doing the right thing is a great dynamic. With a bit of good cop bad cop thrown in.

[direking]

Thanks for reading.

........

7 Tartan Jumper (3 weeks later)
 
Kerri felt pretty good about things as she walked back to the dorm.
 
The hours she’d spend with Bez at the Coffee Shoppe were always the highlight of her week. It was almost like a therapy session, one that came ‘free of charge’. They would talk about things, Bez would smooth over her worries, and for once, actually listen to Kerri.
 
It was the perfect time of day, the sun was just beginning to set; at an earlier time now that fall was beginning to roll around. A few of the leaves on the trees were beginning to change color, a rare gift in this part of the country, where autumn was more of a formality rather than an actual season.
 
A sudden gust swooped in from a fall breeze, forcing Kerri to hold down the short flaring skirt of her tartan jumper with both hands.
 
Kerri was quick enough to stop the damage, hunched over like a turtle in a heavy backpack, both fists wrapped around the edge of the cute skirt, tugging it down with everything she had. Kerri hadn’t planned on showing her underwear to anyone, let alone everyone.
 
So why did Ana buy her this jumper?
And why was she wearing it?
Short answer: Project Kerri.
 
Ana had picked out this ‘cute’ outfit at the mall and said it was perfect for Kerri. Yeah, it was weird having a roomie shop for her clothes, but Kerri couldn’t complain too much about the jumper. Even if it was kinda childish. Or really childish. The kind of clothing for an oversized elementary student.
 
Kerri looked cute, that’s all that mattered.

The tartan jumper made her feel perky and playful, super-extra girly, while the crisp fall air felt cool on her exposed legs. So she brushed aside the unease of looking childish and embraced her inner cuteness. Even Bez complimented on the way Kerri looked, which was great, because no one ever said anything good about Kerri. At least it felt that way to Kerri.
 
All in all, it had been a good day, a fine day, and Kerri was having more and more of them since the onset of ‘Project Kerri’. Which was weird - and concerning - at the same time.

Ana and Candice made sure that Kerri stayed 'structured' so that she could gain more 'confidence'. Her Latina roommate was all about this behavioral scientific nonsense, but was it really nonsense if it actually worked? Kerri didn't want to think too hard on that prospect. Especially the fact that she needed the same kind of intervention as one of Ana's charges.

That wasn’t the only part of their relationship that made her nervous. Kerri noticed a hint of inner darkness within Ana, a few weeks ago when they watched Ponies together, and even further back, when she talked about 'diaper disciplining' the Anderson twins.
 
What was in store for Kerri if she didn't do what Ana wanted? Now that's a dark thought, one worth brushing away. It was best not to ruin such a good day with those kind of 'dark thoughts'.
 
Kerri opened the heavy door to the dorm lobby, pressing her entire body against it as she had to fight another burst of wind. Behind her, she felt her skirt rise, as the stiff breeze exposed her panties - this time, too sudden for her to react. She blushed as she quickly slid the skirt back down, doing her best to hide her red face and her plain white underwear. Luckily, no one was watching.
 
The dorm lobby was a bit busier now that students were actually receiving mail. Groups made small talk around their individual boxes, mostly about their Friday night plans. Kerri didn’t have any Friday night plans - a blissful, freeing feeling.
 
Kerri twisted her lips, as a realization jolted through her wandering mind, she had these semi-'rememberings' from time to time. Something about it being Friday bothered Kerri, but once again, she was just off when figuring out what.

She leaned down to check her tiny mailbox to find nothing. Again. Kerri didn’t know why she kept checking, bad habit, maybe even wishful thinking. Her parents had stopped sending her care packages, maybe because she never thanked them. Maybe because they figured out that Kerri found them embarrassing. However, she never told them, she only told Ana.
 
“Miss Summers!”
 
Kerri jumped out of her skin at the sound of Miss Spike’s voice. The middle aged RA had somehow snuck up on the small girl while she was deep in her own head.
 
“Miss Candice Sims came by earlier to ask me if I’d seen you,” Spikes said haughtily, southern accent at maximum twang. “She didn’t seem very happy about having to wait, she said something about some kind of tutoring session?”
 
That’s what she had forgotten! Kerri slapped her hand to her forehead. Candice had moved their math tutoring to Friday. Dang it! Why did she have a stupid and useless wandering mind? Uggh!
 
“Yeah, it’s Friday,” Kerri tried to play it off, but her words came out in little gasps. “I was supposed to do math tutoring with her.”
 
“Oh, bless your heart!" Miss Spikes leaned in closer. Too closer. "Are you feeling stressed out again? Is that why you’re struggling with schedules?”
 
Kerri paused. She didn’t like the ‘prying’ feeling that came from Spikes’ words. It felt like the older woman was trying to pick Kerri like a lock.
 
“No, I’m fine with schedules,” Kerri answered, then cleared her throat. “My roommates and I have one we made together, it’s working out so far.”
 
“I’m happy to see that they’re taking good care of you,” Miss Spikes said in a way that was almost believable. “I was worried about how you would handle things. You know, after seeing you so glum during your first few weeks. Whatever they’re doing, it’s working. So keep doing it, Miss Summers.”
 
“Yeah…” Kerri wanted this conversation to end, and pronto.
 
But she never got what she wanted.
 
Miss Spikes made a clicking sound with her lips. “Come here, sweetie…”
 
Then she motioned for Kerri to come closer, but Kerri didn't budge, she was not moving in closer - she wanted to be far away.

So Miss Spikes came to Kerri.

Kerri watched in horror as Miss Spikes reached out to rustle Kerri’s curly hair. The shorter girl tried to shift out of reach, making this entire interaction even more awkward, but she was ‘dead to rights’. Kerri could only cower. Dodging or pushing the offending hand away would have only made a scene.
 
She was stuck.
She couldn’t get away fast enough.
She couldn’t get away at all.
 
Maybe she was overreacting. No, she wasn’t.
 
Because the woman’s touch felt creepy as soon as it made contact, as soon as Miss Spikes started petting her like she was a timid puppy, her hand was soft and firm, but the invading fingers danced along her scalp like spider legs. Kerri shrank where she stood, her shoulders tightened, she could only hope for the moment to stop, before it went on too long, and lingered in her troubled mind forever.
 
Miss Spikes slid her other hand under Kerri's chin, forcing the two to meet at the eyes, which was awful. Lauren Spikes had yellow eyes, like a reptile. Or maybe that was just a part of Kerri's wandering imagination.
 
The older lady purred, "I just love your cute dress, Kerri."
 
The long pause that followed seemed to go on forever, Kerri squirmed and screamed on the inside, another line to join the others among the other dark thoughts.
 
"I think you look absolutely adorable," the RA continued, taking on an uncomfortable and wistful demeanor. "Something about this dress that screams little sweetie, like a much younger girl. It reminds me of my young nieces, they’re still in grade school. I used to be a sitter for them, dress them up cute like you, feed them their little snacks and juices, and change their little diapers. That was years ago, though.”
 
Kerri's cheeks turned hot. "I'm not a little girl."
 
“I never said you were,” replied Miss Spikes. “I only said that you’re dressed cute. Calm down, Kerri.”
 
Kerri wobbled in her spot as she shook from head to toe.
 
These kinds of interactions destroyed Kerri, she always did her ‘darnedest’ to avoid them, but they came just the same. It was a part of that baggage, a part of those lingering dark thoughts. The manifestation of the waking nightmare, just like with Candice at the library, and that diaper bag that Ana kept in their room.
 
Miss Spikes continued to stroke Kerri’s hair, her hands like tendrils, her smile malicious.
 
"You’re always so troubled, Kerri. Things aren’t so bad here. Just remember to keep being precious and darling, and listen to those who care for you, and it’ll all work out in the end. Also, don't be so defensive when someone gives you a compliment."
 
Kerri went to argue, "It's that --"
 
"Tell me 'thank you', Kerri,” interrupted Miss Spikes. “I gave you a compliment, and it's polite to say 'thank you'."
 
"I know, I..."
 
Miss Spikes turned stone faced and stern. "Say 'Thank you, Miss Spikes'."
 
Kerri froze.
 
The room around her suddenly felt full to the brim. As if the whole dorm was there to check their mail, to read the flyers on the wall -- to hear Kerri say 'Thank you'. Or to see her in a cute, girly and childish outfit. Things could change so fast on the inside. Kerri hated this tartan jumper now, she hated her creepy RA, and most of all, she hated being here.
 
Kerri also hated the fact that she knew she was going to say 'Thank you', even if she didn't want to say it.
 
"Thank you, Miss Spikes."
 
“Good girl.” The older woman grinned. “I’ll catch you later, sweetie.”
 
Kerri spun away from Miss Spikes as soon as she could, hurrying down the opposite hallway. The elevator felt so far away. Mostly due to the yellow eyes that traced up and down her back with every step. Eyes that made her self-conscious about the length of her short skirt. Eyes that were somehow full of both empathy and malice in horrible, equal measure.
 
Kerri was definitely going to change into something warmer as soon as she could. She wrapped her arms around her chest, giving herself a warm hug for a rapidly cooling Autumn day. A kind of day to set the blood to fridge temp, nothing at all beautiful like the leaves on the trees, and nothing like the feeling she had before she came here.
 
Next, would be math tutoring - her favorite.

......

8 Solve for Y
 
Kerri was already grimacing as she opened the door to their dorm room. She was not looking forward to this conversation, and it’s start appeared worse than she could possibly imagine, and that said a lot about the smol girl with the dark thoughts.
 
Candice stood waiting in her tight fitting workout clothes, her blonde hair wrapped in a ponytail, which meant it was a date night. The tall girl from Texas had a wicked gleam in the eye, a slight snarl that curled the left side of her mouth, and a reason to be mad at Kerri. A legitimate reason, at that.
 
“You’re late!" Candice started digging into Kerri before the door even closed. "You know, I have better things to do besides tutoring remedial math on a Friday night. I have a boyfriend.”
 
"I know, I know," Kerri apologized. “I’m sorry! I just forgot, and I ran here as fast as I could, then there was Miss Spikes...”
 
Her quickly formed excuses were going as far as she expected - nowhere. Candice wasn't the type for excuses.
 
"I'll just get started,” Kerri said, “and... and... we can finish early today."
 
The smol girl rushed over to her desk to make up for lost time, pulling out a heavy textbook and a notebook for answering questions - then she searched for a pen or pencil, but couldn't find one. It was turning out to be one of those kind of days.
 
"It's far too late for that," groaned Candice. "I had to cancel my plans because of you. Now, we have all night to work on getting your grades up... and we're going to do it my way for once."
 
Kerri didn't know what exactly 'Candice's way' entailed, but she somehow knew it wasn't going to be good for little Kerri. It never was. She scrambled through her cluttered desk hoping to move onto her homework before things got nasty. Now, where was a pen or pencil? Who ate them all?
 
Candice moved overhead like a sun-covering stormcloud.
 
"Sorry, Candice,” Kerri stuttered and looked up to her looming roomie, “I can't find a..."
 
Now, there was a pen. A pen in Candice's hand, and her roommate was at the Project Kerri tracker. It didn't take a genius to figure out what was going to happen next.
 
“I’m marking it on your chart,” Candice announced as she unleashed the pen to the calendar and schedule. "You can't keep a schedule, or focus on anything, for more than a few days at a time."
 
"Come on, please," Kerri pleaded. "It's not fair that I forgot."
 
Candice glared down at Kerri with a burning heat that could only come from a girl that lost her date night.
 
So Kerri did what Kerri did best, let it happen.
 
Besides, this wasn’t the first time she’d received a ‘frowny’ face - or bad mark. There were six, no, seven bad marks now. More so in the past few days than in the previous three weeks.
 
It ‘did’ feel like she was heading in the wrong direction.
 
The first bad mark came on the day where she and Ana watched Princess Ponies. The one where she was threatened with a pacifier for lying. Other marks came from other mistakes, a pair of stupid lies where she was easily caught, and a bad quiz grade where Kerri forgot to study. The bad marks came from typical Kerri things, because typical Kerri things were bad for 'Project Kerri'.
 
She could fix it, though. She could 'buckle down'.
 
Kerri asked, “Don’t you think this whole ‘Project Kerri’ thing is stupid?”
 
Candice finished up writing. “Hey, this was never my idea. If you have a problem, you should take it up with Ana.”
 
Yeah. Take it up with Ana. Maybe it was time to ditch the whole thing altogether. Maybe she would say something to Ana when she completed her homework. Who was she kidding? Even she knew that she would never do such a thing.
 
After a whole-hearted sigh, Kerri settled into her desk chair, opened her book, and got to work. She was well aware of Candice being critical of her every move, just waiting for the smaller girl to make the smallest mistake, just so that she could pounce.
 
Evening rolled around, sounded out by the many crickets that dormed in the bushes outside the girls' window. The two were still in the ‘weeds’ so-to-speak. Of course, Kerri was having a hard time focusing, and Candice looked like she was doing her best not to blow a fuse. The study session had an edge to it, Kerri could pick it up on her internal radio, a constant static coming from Candice and her foul mood.
 
Kerri felt compelled to quell the tension, to cut through the static by making Candice laugh. That would calm things down, right? Kerri was sorta good at making people laugh… she sometimes talked a lot when she got nervous like this, when her little radio picked up on this much anxiety.
 
“The problem with word problems is that they're so wordy, and so problemy.”
 
Kerri paused for a second so Candice could catch up to her line of thinking.
 
“If they wanted you to do math,” she continued. “They wouldn't have you do reading first. If they’d just tell you what to solve, that would be so much easier. That’s half of the problem, finding the problem.”
 
Kerri justified her position on her math homework to an uncaring audience, as Candice remained focused on checking Kerri’s homework.
 
The Texan paced around the room like a trapped cheetah, the notebook paper held tight in her hands, eyes darting from one answer to another. Before she stopped and let out a long, exaggerated groan. Uh-oh. That was never a good sign.
 
“This isn’t how you do it, Kerri. I thought we were past this point. It’s like you’re regressing.”
 
Regressing. Kerri didn’t seem to like that word at all. Was she in the midst of a backwards slide? It was hard to tell. She looked over to the chart on the wall, it did seem like a visual representation of this ‘regressing’.
 
“Redo number twenty, Kerri.”
 
“Aye-aye, captain.” Kerri spun around in her chair and hunched back over her desk.
 
Candice didn’t seem to be tuned into the same station as Kerri. “Kerri, just cut the crap!”
 
Kerri grimaced. “Sorry.”
 
“Focus! Focus! And stop acting so stupid.”
 
Candice wrapped her hands around the sides of Kerri’s head, twisting and forcing her face over the homework, which hurt her smol neck.
 
“Ow! I am focusing!” Kerri complained as she rubbed the sore spot at the back of her head. “That really hurt, Candice!”
 
“Good… because you’re wasting my time.” Candice‘s typical sarcastic chastising was turning into outright belligerence. “You know, I should have never agreed to be your 'coach', or 'tutor', or whatever… I thought it would be worth it to help you.”
 
Kerri said softly, “Take that back…”
 
Candice shook her head.
 
“No. No. If you dropped out, it would actually make MY LIFE that much easier. I didn't come to college to wipe bottoms and sing ABCs like Ana. I came because I'm already grown up, like everyone else is around here. Everyone… besides little Kerri Summers.”
 
“I’m not a waste of time,” countered Kerri, she was trembling now, her soft voice started strong, but it was beginning to fade away. "I belong, I'm just struggling a little bit… I can do better.”
 
The room felt hotter. Smaller. They were both trapped in here together, and the cabin fever was beginning to set in like a bad itch that needed scratching.
 
“Start by getting this math problem right,” Candice offered sarcastically, “prove to yourself that you belong here.”
 
“Oh, I will…“ mumbled Kerri. “No thanks to you.”
 
Candice picked up on the obvious provocation. It fueled her competitive flames, as if Kerri's challenging tone fed the same demon that running did.
 
“I could be doing anything in the world right now, and I’m stuck with you." Candice leaned into the smaller girl, pressing her weight against Kerri's shoulders. "And how do you thank me? By being a baby brat.”
 
Kerri clenched her teeth. “Stop it, Candice.”
 
Baby. She hated that word. Hate. Hate. Hate.
 
“What are you going to do, Kerri?” bullied Candice. "You gonna cry on me like you did with Ana?”
 
"Wait?" croaked Kerri, spinning around in her chair with a wild look as tears began to form. “She told you?”
 
“Yeah,” Candice beamed, “she told me everything."
 
Too much. Too much. Too much.
 
Kerri felt violated. Why? It wasn’t like what happened was supposed to be a secret or anything. She could only stare blankly into Candice, and the taller girl seemed happy to strike a clean blow, one worth points.
 
So Candice struck again.
 
“Ana told me how you bawled like a baby because she caught you in a stupid lie with her phone. We’re both trying to help you act normal, or mature, but you’re acting more childish every day.”
 
“Not true…” Kerri shook her head.
 
But a dark thought came to mind.
 
Did Ana tell Candice about the threat of punishment?
The corner time?
 
Or… or the pacifier?
 
Kerri shifted slightly in her chair, battling a spat of nervous energy as subtle as possible.
 
“Ana didn’t say anything else about… you know, what happened?”
 
“Why?” Candice tilted her head, curiosity suddenly piqued. “Is there something she left out?”
 
"Um.. no…no.. I guess."
 
Her lie was hardly convincing. The taller girl spun Kerri around in her chair, and lowered herself to get into her face. Candice had that look again; the tight brow, the narrow eyes, the forceful tone. Even her face was flushed with excitement - 'Runner's High'.
 
Candice growled, “Tell me, Kerri.”
 
“Nope! I won’t tell you anything!” Kerri shrunk in her chair, it was all she could do.
 
”I don’t think it’s fair to keep secrets from me, especially when I’m being so nice. Tell me what freaking happened.”
 
“You’re scaring me, Candice.” Kerri searched for a way to escape.
 
She was cornered and trapped. If she moved quick enough, maybe she could slink away, because her brain was screaming for her to flee. She knew she was in danger - of what? Kerri couldn't quite put a finger on it, but it smelled of bad litmus test: Candice was being too much like Candice, and Kerri was too much like Kerri.
 
Candice seemed to read into her panicked state.
 
"Why are you trying to run, Kerri? What kind of secret are you protecting?”
 
"Please… just stop," pleaded Kerri. "This is getting out of hand."
 
Thwap! Candice slammed the sides of the chair, making Kerri jump.
 
"All you have to do is tell me what happened! You're totally freaking out for no reason...”
 
Candice paused.
 
“…unless there is a reason."
 
Candice ran her eyes up and down the smol girl, then over to where the diaper bag usually sat on Ana's side of the room.
 
"That's it! That’s what you've been keeping from me! Does it involve those diapers?"
 
"No... no.. of course not." Kerri licked her lips, and turned back towards her homework.
 
Things were turning bad again. Now it was beyond the soft stuff. The kid-glove treatment. The babying. The mothering. The kid-sistering. It would always start there, then it would turn into this kind of confrontation.
 
Kerri could feel the raging heat from Candice hovering above her, a looming shadow over the smol girl. This was past the point of no return, Kerri just hoped that she could get back to her math before it got worse.
 
“It’s true,” squealed Candice. “Totally, freaking true.”
 
Kerri asked, “What’s true?”
 
A Texas sized smirk extended from cheek to cheek of the taller girl.
 
"Ana told me that you had some strange reaction to the diapers, I didn't notice it when she was going through the diaper bag, but she did. It’s been bothering me for weeks now: Why would Kerri be scared of diapers? Then I figured it out, and I just kept it to myself.”
 
Candice giggled as her ‘aha’ moment came into fruition.
 
“You were a bed wetter when you were a little girl... weren't you? It'd make sense, the passive personality, the weakness, the... "
 
"I'm not a bedwetter!" exclaimed Kerri, she was already out of her chair, and she was already an erupting volcano.
 
Kerri lashed out, pushing Candice away with a flurry of slaps and shoves, blinded by her sudden rage and salty tears.
 
Candice backed away a few steps, shocked by so much fury from the tiny girl, but she soon recovered. And she was angry. Angrier than Kerri had ever seen her.
 
The world felt broken, with her fists clenched at her side, heaving shoulders and heavy breathes. Kerri stopped fighting Candice to take on her new enemy: regaining her composure. Kerri hated the feeling when she was out of control. The helplessness was what she hated the most, being smol and helpless.
 
It was now Candice’s turn, and she moved fast. Kerri held up her hands in defense, but Candice was lightning quick. She grabbed ahold of her forearm, twisting it, then using it to drag her away from the chair and desk.
 
"My arm!" Kerri cried in pain. "You're hurting me!"
 
"Good! Who do you think you are, trying to hit me? That hurt you little freaking brat. I’m tired of playing nice with you.”
 
Candice had the smaller girl with both hands, positioning herself behind Kerri, wrapping her arms into something that was part hug and part wrestling hold. How much of each part was up to debate, but Kerri couldn't escape, that was for sure, even when she struggled against the tight grip.
 
"Get off of me," muttered Kerri, turning calmer in the face of futility. “I didn’t mean to… please let me go.”
 
“Let you go?” Candice grunted. "Not while I'm having so much fun."
 
Kerri knew she played right in to the hands of the bigger girl, she shouldn't have swung at her in the first place. Candice lived for this kind of 'alpha' style conflict, being the ram with the biggest horns, the one with the most vicious headbutt.
 
"I'm sorry, Candice." Kerri looked around the spinning room for help. She was all alone.
 
"Oh, you will be. I promise you’re going to regret making me miss my date and trying to hit me.”
 
Kerri gasped, “What are you going to do?"
 
Candice gripped her tighter. “I don't know, but I'm going to do it."
 
They tussled a bit in slow motion, it wasn't a wrestling match, more like a slow, forceful waltz towards the couch. Their feet shuffled on the tile floor, Kerri pulled and pried as she tried to remove herself from the hold.
 
"It's a shame that Ana needed her diaper bag tonight, I'd love to see what exactly got your panties in a bunch."
 
Then she laughed. Har-har and Yee-haw.
 
"Stop it, Candice.” Kerri managed to catch her breath. “I'm going to scream."
 
Candice laughed again.
 
“Do it, and I’ll have you booked for assault,” Candice grinned at Kerri, she had perfect teeth. “A cute little inmate like you would last ‘like’ ten minutes in jail. They’d eat you alive, just like this place, because if it wasn’t for me and Ana you’d have already dropped out. You need us to teach you things: to help you understand that there are adult consequences that come with college life, even for idiots like you. Besides, I’m in control here, and it’d be best for you to understand that, Kerri.”
 
Kerri did understand that, that’s what scared her the most. The rest of the words were lost in the scuffle.
 
Candice glanced over to the Project Kerri chart, Kerri followed the gaze, unsure what Candice was trying to get to, but knowing that it was probably very 'not good' for Kerri.
 
"How many frown faces do you have on your chart, Kerri?"
 
Kerri squinted at the chart, then answered softly, "Seven."
 
"Wow. Seven. And we're not even counting the part where you slapped me. You’ve been a naughty girl, Kerri.”
 
"I said that I was sorry, Candice. I don't know what else I can do."
 
"I'm sure I can come up with something," answered Candice, ominously.
 
Their standing, shuffling wrestling match came to a stop behind the old brown couch. A last stop. The two lingered in terrible silence as Candice took her time to make up her mind.
 
"Seven, huh?“ Candice repeated to the empty air. “That sounds about right."
 
Kerri whimpered, "Right for what?"
 
"Kerri, can I ask you a serious question?" Candice used her feet to spread Kerri's stance wider. "Were you spanked when you were a kid? ‘Like’ really spanked?"
 
Of course Kerri wasn't spanked, her mom and dad were old fashioned, but they were still on the progressive side of the century. A dark thought came to mind - surely Candice wasn't hinting at actually spanking Kerri.
 
"Um.. no... I don't think..."
 
"Oh, I do think," Candice said as she gripped Kerri tighter. "I think I know exactly what you need. It’s probably where all of your problems started, soft parenting leads to soft kids, and you’re baby soft.”
 
Candice bent Kerri over the old couch with a pair of strong hands. Her tiny heart thudded in her chest as she folded over, the sound pulsed in her ears.
 
"What's happening?"
 
Candice replied, "What do you think, Kerri?"
 
Thud. Thud. Thud. Her heart belonged to a hummingbird.
 
Kerri asked, "You're not going to spank me, are you?"
 
Candice laughed.
 
Kerri began to squirm over the couch, trying to shift away from the position she was in, folded over in a ninety degree angle, her smol butt the vertex and soon-to-be target. Her wandering mind did some squirming of its own. Her thoughts and fears squirmed free from her mouth as questions; questions that didn't have any answers.
 
"What are you going to do, Candice?"
"What's happening?"
"Why are you doing this?"
"Why don't you let me go?"
 
"So many questions, Kerri," Candice softly chided as she glowered over the small girl. "The only question I have for you is: can you count to seven?"
 
"Of course I can count to seven!" Kerri snapped back at her attacker. “You don’t have to do this!”
 
“Sadly,” Candice said after a short pause, “I think I do.”
 
It was all horrible. The blood was beginning to rush to her face now, the room looked different from this crooked angle, the back of the couch pressed tight against her stomach.
 
Kerri tried to protect her modesty. She brought a hand to the back of the short skirt, but Candice pulled it away and twisted it against her back.
 
Kerri yelped. “Candice…. Please…”
 
"I want you to count each one, or we'll have to start over. Do you understand? Don't zone off now, Kerr-bear."
 
Kerr-bear? What the heck was up with that pet-name? Candice didn't 'care' about Kerri, there was nothing 'kerr'-ing about any of this pre-spanking ritual. This was all about dominance, the ancient tradition that belonged with the caveman. Me 'Big'. You 'Smol'. Now I spank.
 
This was the only language that Candice spoke fluently. Just like Kerri knew every word of the submissive dictionary.
 
This was a typical Kerri role. The one bent over the couch, with her bottom high in the air. Just like it was her role to be the one bullied back home, and at that slumber party back in junior high -- where she put up with so much worse than this.
 
Candice chastised, "You're zoning off, Kerri."
 
Then she flipped up the back of the tartan skirt, folding the fabric over her lower back, exposing Kerri’s panty-covered rump. Kerri gasped from the rush of air on her covered parts. The hideous tension made the room cold, and goose bumps ran up and down the back of her thighs, as some internal countdown began.
 
Kerri could feel Candice ready her hand. She had never been spanked, she didn't know how it would feel... a strange morose feeling that made her head swim.
 
"Cute panties, Kerr-bear." Candice let out a hurtful chuckle. "I can think of something cuter though - something thicker - something that you deserve.”
 
Kerri froze.
 
Candice brought her hand down precise and swift. Heat flared from a spot just below her panties and above her thighs.
 
Kerri cried out. She tried to move her body away from a second slap, her legs twisting against the tired sofa. There was no escaping; her upper half held down by the other hand of her roommate.
 
“Count them, Kerri!”
 
Kerri cried, “No!”
 
“Okay then, if that’s how you want to play.”Candice grabbed ahold of Kerri’s panties with her spanking hand, and in one tug, the underwear slid down to her mid-thigh. “If you want to keep being childish, I’ll spank you like a little girl. Now count, Kerri!”
 
“I don’t want to,” protested Kerri. She tried to protect herself, but there was no ‘handless’ way of covering her open butt. “And you can’t make me do anything.”
 
“I’m not afraid to bend you over my knee,” warned Candice, "and spank you like a baby... it's your choice."
 
Kerri took account of the situation. She was now half-naked, bent over, powerless and smol. It was always a matter of time, just like it always had been before.
 
And as always, Kerri did as she was told.
 
Her lips quivered, tears were hot and salty, the heat settled in her chest as her heart stopped.
 
“One!”
 
…..
 
Her bottom still burned an hour after the spanking. Candice gave her ‘seven’ swats by Kerri’s count, she made Kerri recount them before she could pull her panties back in place.
 
Kerri didn’t need a mirror to know her butt was as red as a sunburn; that’s what the pain told her. She curled up next to her line of stuffies, whimpering as quietly as possible, while Candice continued to loudly justify the entire incident.
 
"You're the one who hit me first," argued Candice, but Kerri wasn't hearing any of it.
 
It wasn’t right. Both girls knew this.
 
Kerri snuck a hand to her phone. Who could she tell about this kind of abuse?
 
Her mind first shot to her parents. Then she stilled herself. If she told them this, they would pull her out of college, or they'd do something even more drastic.
 
Then she thought about Bez, she was the only one who listened to Kerri. No. What would happen if she lost Bez the same way she always lost other people?
 
That ex-boyfriend of hers, Nick. No freaking way.
 
Ana.
She could tell Ana.
 
Ana would be against this kind of treatment, she was a hugger and not a spanker, and Kerri could have used a good hug right now. She thought about what would happen if Ana was in the room, she would have put a stop to Candice, maybe make her act like a road runner again. Maybe she would even spank Candice, even harder, if that were possible..
 
Kerri took her time with her words, it had to come out right. It was important to tell the truth, not to add or embellish.
 
'Candice spanked me'
 
She hit send. Then the waiting game began.
 
It didn’t last long. Almost as soon as she sent it, three dots danced below her text, Ana had received the message, and now she was writing back.
 
Dot. Dot. Dot.
 
'Well, Kerri. What did you do to deserve it?'

[direking]

Thanks for reading.

——————

9 Proper Punishments

It was getting pretty late, even by a college student’s standards.

The wild afternoon had somehow turned into a quiet night. Kerri and Candice were settled in bed, under the covers, but were hardly asleep. Both girls waited for Ana to come home from babysitting the Anderson twins, and both girls had a lot to say - well, at least Kerri did.

The ‘spanking’ had changed the whole feeling of the evening. A palpable tension hung about the room, strengthened by head-stabbing silence, and the invisible wall erected between Kerri’s smol corner and the rest of the world.

Yeah. Kerri felt every bit of it. The silent tension was almost as bad as her burning bottom. It was degrading, grinding, chiseling her apart.

When she couldn’t bear it any longer, Kerri rolled over on the bed and into her line of stuffed animals, grabbing Princess Clarabelle by the neck before pressing the pony to her chest. So many dark thoughts.

“Stop sniveling,” Candice ordered from her side of the dark room. “You’re such a cry baby, you’re making this into a bigger deal than you need to.”

Kerri didn’t say anything back - it wasn’t worth it. Candice would have explain herself to Ana when she returned.... any minute now.… but it was actually sooner than that. She first heard the door latch before it opened to bright light from the hallway outside, revealing their long lost babysitting roommate.

Ana seemed to relish the moment before entering the room. The teddy bear diaper bag hung defiantly over her shoulder — and uh-oh — a few extra plastic bags dangled from her hands. Ana had been shopping, for what?

Kerri clambered up from laying down, hoping to get the first word in on her roommate.

“Ana!” Kerri cried out to the shadow in the doorway. “Candice, she…”

“I know, Kerri,” Ana said without letting Kerri finish. “Candice has told me everything that happened.”

“Candice did?” exclaimed Kerri, she could practically feel the blonde Texan‘s toothy smile in the deep dark. “She’s lying! You cannot believe anything that she says. She’s the one that hurt me!”

“Candice said you would say that.”

Ana sauntered into the room, putting the diaper bag where it always sat, then softly lowering the plastic bags in the same spot.

“She also texted that you would be the one to explain what happened… so it would make it ‘fair’ when I pass judgment.”

That ‘judgment’ word didn’t sound good to Kerri, her wandering mind snapped to forthright attention.

“What else did she say?” Kerri trembled. “And what’s in the bags?”

Ana rose up from her side of the room then settled onto the couch, the very center of their living space.

“These bags? Well, I did a little last night shopping. I hope that’s okay with you, chica. But don’t you worry, we will get to the goodies in the bags after we settle down and have a good talk. As I said before, I want to hear your side of the story before we move forward.”

Kerri searched the room for any context clues to what was in the shopping bags. It didn’t even look like Candice knew what was in there. The tall blonde had a smoothie in her hand, circling a straw around in the cup, her sharp eyes evaluating everything.

The Latina paused for a moment. “Anything you want to mention before we get started?”

“I… I don’t know where to start,” offered Kerri. Everything was moving so fast and it was all so confusing. What was in those bags?

“I do,” said Candice. “I know exactly what to say: Kerri needs to be punished.”

“Punished?” questioned Kerri, her voice was rising to the occasion. “You already spanked me. You’re the one that was out of line.”

“You hit me first,” corrected Candice.

“Only because you backed me into a corner and were in my face about… stuff!”

The smol girl searched for reason within this madness, but she only found more dark thoughts. Her heart was seriously pumping now since she was on high alert, and every bit tense and tight.

“Calm down, Kerri,” Ana butted in from her spot on the couch. “We just want to help you be the best you can be. We got you, little girl.”
 
Kerri objected, “Little?”
 
“No, I meant ‘fat’,” Ana shot back. “We got your fat back, fat girl.”
 
“But I’m not fat.”
 
“Yeah,” chirped Candice, “but you are little.”
 
Things were going from bad to worse - they were outright bullying Kerri. Talks of punishment, calling her ‘little’ and then the arrival of more lingering doubts, emanating from those stupid plastic bags and the even more stupid diaper bag.

Ana sighed and whipped out her phone, Candice already had hers at the ready. The two girls stopped to exchange a text message in the dark. Kerri could hear the chiming phones, but she was equally in the dark for what was said. And why it made them laugh.

Even Kerri could see the trouble on the horizon, an oncoming storm with the hints of angry clouds just out of sight, and Kerri hated thunderstorms. They were loud and dark and scary. A huge storm was forming, and it had everything to do with her two roommates. More specifically, how they treated her.
 
“Hey Kerri,” purred Candice. “Did you drink enough water today?”
 
After all that happened that night, how could Candice play this so coolly? Something was ‘up’ and in a bad way.

Kerri groaned, “Are you serious?”

“Absolutely.” Candice didn’t even raise an eyebrow.

This was another Grade A example of the soft mothering behavior that derived from Project Kerri: the mothering with a sense of malice.

Even before the spanking, Candice had the tendency to pry into her nutrition needs, almost to the point of making her eat her veggies before any dessert. The funny thing was that she never stopped Ana from doubling up on cookies in the cafeteria.

Kinda hypocritical - just like the rest of Project Kerri.
 
Kerri growled, "I'm fine, Candice."
 
"Well, I don't want you to get all dehydrated from crying all night. That stuff can get serious for someone as small as you, don’t make us bottle feed you or anything."
 
Ah, there it was. Kerri knew there was a maturity insult in there just waiting to poke its head from the ground.
 
"I said that I was fine."
 
Ana joined in, "Why don't you just drink more water, Kerri?"
 
"Because I'm not thirsty, that's why."

Kerri turned away from the other girls and stared deeply into the beady eyes of a stuffed Princess Pony.
 
Candice snuck a slow drag from the straw of her berry smoothie, her face only visible from the soft blue light from her phone. The lanky blonde propped herself up on the bed with her long legs hidden under a blanket. Thankfully silent.

Ana on the other hand… Ana got up and pulled something from the plastic bag, Kerri craned her neck to find out what, but her night vision failed to crack the case.

“Please tell me what’s in the bags, Ana.” Kerri was beginning to shake.

“I’ll get to the bags as soon as you drink your water,” replied Ana.

“I’m not drinking any water,” grumbled Kerri.
 
Ana lingered near the diaper bag, using her presence as a threat left unsaid. “Are you sure about that?”

"Fine…" Kerri grumbled as she got out of bed. "I'll drink the stupid water, and you will both shut up about it.”
 
"There's a bottle in the mini fridge," Candice added. "It's like strawberry flavored mountain spring stuff, lots of extra electrolytes. You should try it. You might like it."
 
Whatever. Kerri pulled the right water bottle free from the fridge, side-eying Ana’s side of the room before opening the bottle to drink.

"Now, that wasn’t so hard,” Ana encouraged her with a smile. “You need to look more out for yourself so we don't have to, Kerri. I won't be afraid to bottle feed you, I’ve got the experience."
 
Kerri shuddered. That mental image was one that needed bleaching.

“Now,” Ana turned to face Candice, “where were we on Project Kerri?”

Kerri stopped mid-drink. “I want to quit Project Kerri.”

That brought the room to a sudden halt.

“Quit Project Kerri?” echoed Ana. “We are just getting started. Don’t let what happened this afternoon deter you from the results.”

“I know the results are…“ Kerri tried explaining. “I just don’t see the need for it anymore.”

This felt good, real good. Standing up for herself may be the final lesson of their little experiment. It would finally be over, then things would go back to normal.

But things never went back to normal. Not for Kerri.

“Everyone else thinks otherwise, nina. Your grades, your attitudes, your parents, Miss Spi…”

“My parents!” yelled Kerri, she was on her feet, maybe she even stomped one onto the floor. “You shouldn’t even be talking to MY parents.”

Ana snapped her fingers at Kerri, there was a pointed index in there as well.

“I warned you about that temper, nina. Best be careful, Kerri, it might get you into even more trouble.”

“Yeah,” snarked Candice. “No temper tantrums.”

Both of the other girls giggled again; their disembodied voices were as sinister as their shadowed faces.

“Listen, I know it’s kinda weird that I’m talking to your mom and dad,” explained Ana, who seemed to soften a bit. “It’s just we all care about you, and we all want what’s best for Kerri - even dumb ole Candice. Isn’t that right?”

“Yeah,” answered Candice, half-heartedly. “What’s best for all three of us, actually.”

“See, Kerri? We aren’t the bad guys here… this isn’t some Princess Pony show, there are no moon witches, just concerned sisters thinking about their lil sis. That’s all this is…”

“Really?” Kerri leaned her sore butt against the side of her bed and took another sip of the bottled water in the awkward silence.

Could her two roommates actually be in ‘the right’? Oh, man. Where would that put Kerri?

There were clear and present downsides of being a smol girl with big dark thoughts, with invisible baggage strapped to a tired back, with a broken internal radio that only picked up static stations. Kerri didn’t know what to think.. about anything. She just drank the water in her hands, berry-flavored water that actually tasted good.

“Kerri… Earth to Kerri…”

Kerri snapped back to the room where she went silent mid-convo.

“I’m sorry, I must have zoned off.”

“That’s okay, nina. I know you’ve had a long night, but we need to talk about what’s in those bags. We need to talk about Project Kerri and punishments, so we won’t have a repeat of this afternoon.”

Kerri choked on her drink. “I’m sorry, punishments?”

“Yeah, nina.” Ana was pretty matter of fact about it. “You can’t have a behavior plan without consequences. Project Kerri won’t work without them - good or bad rewards for good or bad behavior. You know this.”

Kerri shook her head. She should have known better. Give the roomies a psychological inch and they’ll take a mile.

“I can’t believe this!” Kerri loudly exclaimed. “So we’re not going to even talk about how Candice bent me over the couch, pulled down my underwear, and spanked me?”

“We are talking about it,” Ana said as calm as ever. “What else would you like to say?”

Kerri bit her lip. She wanted to throw all of her things into her bags and leave. That’s what she should do, but these girls made her feel powerless.

“I’ve been doing this stupid Project Kerri for weeks, and I haven’t received a single ‘good’ consequence this entire time.” Kerri was on a warpath, a smol, firey warpath. “I went jogging with Candice, I wore your stupid outfits, I studied and studied and studied until my brain hurt. I… and you…. and I…”

It didn’t matter. Kerri’s reasoning began to fade away as she knew she would never change Ana’s mind; she was trapped in the confines of this ‘experiment’.

“Look where it’s got you, Kerri.” Ana held her hands open like she won a prize. “You’re in better shape, you looked cute and you’ve made good grades. All positive results from positive behavior. What you haven’t received is negative consequences from being bad. That’s what we’ve been missing this entire time - I originally didn’t want to go there, but research has proven this kind of thing over and over again.”

Kerri remained skeptical. “Whose research?”

“Mine,” answered Ana. “That’s the only research that matters.”

“When are we going to cut to the chase and pop a diaper on her?” snarked Candice.

Kerri froze.

“Candice, we talked about this,” consoled Ana, her serene voice was supposed to be reassuring to Kerri - it wasn't.

“That’s what I want to happen to her,” continued Candice. “You know, as a consequence for scratching at me like a crazed cat. That’s what I want, I want what she wants the least.”

Too much! Kerri went to speak and found her mouth had turned into old play-doh. Useless. Tired. Stuck together. She collapsed onto the bed, it drew her into a welcome embrace. Maybe she could just disappear and this would all go away.

“Stop it, Candice, you’re scaring Kerri.” At least Ana seemed to notice Kerri’s pathetic flop into the mattress. “We need to remember a few things before we start this phase: This is not about revenge, it’s about correcting behavior. Besides, don’t you think it’s a little much to ‘pop’ Kerri into a diaper just for losing her cool?”

“I’m just stating my case,” Candice placated with a shrug.

Ana turned to Kerri with a sympathetic look in her eyes.

“Kerri, baby…”

Ana’s words immediately dredged up the ghosts from Kerri’s past. Kerri Baby. Here it was again, back in the flesh.

Where had Ana learned those words? Or were they just words?

There was no need to let them stab at her like they did. Still, stabbing was stabbing, and Kerri sank back into her awful fantasy world, the one full of shadows and whispers.

“Kerri, you listening? Girl, I think you’re in la-la land. You’re going to want to listen to this next part.”

Kerri blinked back into the darkness, towards the direction of Ana’s voice.

“We need to talk about compromise,” continued Ana. “You there, sweetie? Say something.”

“Something...” Her smol mouth felt dry and hoarse, and she was so, so tired.

“I totally get what Candice is putting down, and you would look totally cute in a diaper, and it would make a hilarious picture. It’s a decent counter for acting childish, but that’s a tad bit too far, mostly because the crime doesn’t justify the punishment. So I say, ‘why not meet in the middle?’ You two still following?”

“Of course,” replied Candice, she seemed thrilled.

Not Kerri. She softly shook her head, she was in full zombie mode. “I’m not so sure I’m going to like this middle.”

“Come on, it’ll be fun, and it might just be the thing to bring you back on track.”

Ana was hardly convincing, but she kept talking.

“I think Candice wants your childish behavior to receive a childish punishment. That’s what the spanking was all about, right?”

Candice agreed. “Right.”

“No. No. That’s not the reason. She just likes being cruel.” Kerri was beside herself, but her strength was waning fast. “And… and… she shouldn’t have spanked me in the first place! You just won’t listen.”

“You’re right, Kerri!” snapped Ana, who turned suddenly aggressive. “She should have went straight to Miss Spikes, then the dean of the university. Then you’d be charged with assault and heading back home. Is that what you want, Kerri? We CAN make that happen. You should be thankful that Candice handled it ‘in-house’.”

Kerri gulped.
This was all too hard. Too much.

“Are you ready to go back to the compromise?“ Ana offered Kerri the ‘poisoned apple’, as words that made Kerri feel like she was in the ‘wrong’. “I don’t want to see any of that happen to our sweet Kerri. At the same time, attacking Candice crossed many lines, and even you have to admit that you’ve been slipping lately.”

Ana turned to Candice who was lounging sideways on her bed.

“We need to remind our Kerri that she is in the process of ‘growing up’. If she doesn’t choose to act that way, we should reflect her behavior back on her like a mirror. Mirrors don’t lie, chica. Act like a kid, get treated like a kid. Remember - This is all on you, Kerri, every bit of this is your choice.”

“I don’t feel that way,” muttered Kerri.

“That’s part of the problem,” Ana answered with authority. ”That’s why we‘re going with such a drastic solution. A ‘fun’ solution.”

Candice creeped up from her pillow. “Tell me about this ‘fun’ solution.”

Everyone was smiling besides Kerri. Ana broke it down with a Cheshire grin in the dark.

”Here’s the deal: I went to the store and got a whole bunch of cute things we can dress Kerri up in this week. Shirts. Skirts. Hair-ties. Cute panties. I don’t want to give it all away, but let’s just say that they’re all on the ‘childish’ side. As a compromise, we will let Candice dress Kerri as ‘cute’ as she wants as a fair punishment — but just for a week.”

“No. No. No. She does NOT get to dress me!” whined Kerri. There were tears in her eyes, but the dark room hadn’t betrayed her… yet. “And for a whole week? That’s not fair!”

Ana glared at Kerri. “Lower your voice, Kerri. Quit screaming.”

“I agree with Kerri, Ana.” Candice leaned forward in her bed with her arms crossed. “It’s not fair. Not humiliating enough for drawing blood, or bruising me, or wasting my time. What would she have to do to be put back in diapers?”

Ana giggled at the notion of Kerri in a diaper, even as it was repeated again and again.

“I’d hate to be the bearer of bad news, Candice, but I’m not planning on putting Kerri into a diaper. Get that ‘funny’ idea out of your Texas sized head.”

That ‘idea’ was not let go so easily. There was blood in the water, and Candice was a long-legged shark. She wouldn’t let this slide without getting at least a good bite.

Candice asked, “What if she wets the bed?”

The room got suddenly quiet and cold as Ana considered the thought for a moment.

“Alright… if she wets the bed. Then I’ll think about ‘popping’ her into a diaper. But Kerri would never do that, and I don’t think I have diapers in her size, even if she is pretty little. However, she would look extra cute…”

“I said I’m not wearing your stupid clothes!” Kerri shouted from her bed. “So I’m definitely not going to wear a diaper!”

“Then we should let Candice spank you again,” Ana clapped back. “And I get to watch her bend you over her knee. Does that work for you, Candice?”

“Swimmingly,” replied Candice, “can I start now?”

Kerri curled up tighter on her bed. This place was a prison cell, and the walls were closing in tighter and tighter.

“It’s the clothes or the blows, chica. Which is it? As I said before, it’s all your choice.”

Kerri didn’t know what to say… she held out until…

A pair of sharp knocks came from their front door. It was Miss Spikes.

“Lights out means lights out. And it also means being quiet.”

A quick lullaby from their friendly Residential Advisor. Short, sweet and to the point.

“Good job, loudmouth.” Candice hissed across the room. “Way to wake up Miss Spikes.”

“I didn’t mean to wake her up,” Kerri whispered back. “And I’m not wearing anything in those bags… I didn’t agree to this.”

Ana clicked her lips. “You kinda did, chica.”

“No, I didn’t.” Kerri resisted the urge to throw a stuffie at her bossy roomie, she already had a pair of ponies in her arms.

“We both said that we’d keep trying, nina. So I’m not going to give up on you.”

“I am trying!” gasped Kerri. Why did she feel so desperate? Why was this happening?

“We can talk about this in the morning,” sighed Ana. “When we get started with phase two.”

“Phase two?” questioned Candice.

Ana shared a funny face with her blonde roommate, perfectly reading one another in silence, before each turning to their pillows and blankets, and to their cell phones, as they giggled like girls at a sleep over.

Kerri noticed that they laughed in tandem, just like they did everything together, two peas in a pod. She just eyed them from her little nook with her stuffie crowded bed and paper crowded desk, and equally crowded thoughts.

So much talk about diapers reminded her of what happened so long ago back home.

Shadow creatures had voices that echoed.

‘Kerri, baby…’
‘Let me get you out of your wet clothes…’

‘I think Kerri is wearing a diaper…’

‘Pull down her shorts so we can find out…’
 
Kerri silently fought the slow forming tears, she didn’t want the other girls to hear her crying in the dark, especially about things that happened inside her wandering mind.

No. There will be no more crying in college. It was probably against the dorm rules next to underage drinking and bed wetting -- Kerri blushed.
 
There would be no bed wetting either. Not here. Not with that kind of ‘punishment’ awaiting. That old baggage belonged to 'back home' Kerri, not the 'new' Kerri that she was supposed to be in college.

Kerri Summers would not wet the bed. Not here. Not ever.

The smol girl struggled to fall asleep, especially to the sounds of muffled giggles and reactions from vibrating texts back and forth. Ana and Candice were surely texting about their third roommate; the smol girl with the wandering mind, coming up with more mean things they could do to Kerri. At least they feigned the politeness to keep it quiet, but Kerri knew exactly what was going on between them.

Her mind was racing, bouncing from dark thought to darker thought, eventually dwelling on that infamous party at Haley Hutchinson’s house. Kerri. Baby. Kerri. Baby. The shadows taunted without reprieve. What if Ana and Candice found out about what really happened? What if they somehow contacted those girls back home? Haley could say so much about Kerri, or anyone of her many ‘friends’. Kerri. Baby. Kerri. Baby. Haley Hutchinson and that stupid slumber party ruined so many things. That, and Haley's cruel mom.

Kerri knew she shouldn’t be thinking about stressful situations because it only made things that much worse. Her powerful emotions were on a constant edge, just waiting to burst out and continue to ruin everything. Just like that terrible time so long ago. Kerri still carried that baggage in her heart, and it made everything feel so heavy.

And the heaviness needed a release.
 
Instead of crying like she did in front of Ana, which was a mistake, her wandering mind came to the rescue. The room spun in place as she could swear that she heard music: Princess pony music. In her mind, she saw horses running free, breaking out from the dark shadows, leaving behind whatever they were before as they galloped away. Kerri welcomed her meandering thoughts when it got rough like this, it was its own kind of coping mechanism, an instant vacation from feelings too strong and problems too big.

That’s what all of this was becoming, too big for someone so smol. Just… too much.

It made her feel sad, alone, and scared. Her emotional fabric felt pressed too tight like an over-folded napkin, or even worse, one being pulled apart.